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Quotes / Lethal Chef

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    Anime and Manga 
1. Peel onion and potatoes, cutting them into appropriately-sized pieces.
2. Pour some oil into a pot and saute the onions.
3. When the onions become translucent, add the cut beef and potatoes and saute.
4. After stirring to a good amount, add water, sugar, soy sauce, and salt. Let the mixture simmer.
5. When the sauce's color changes a bit, add 45cc of sulfuric acid.
6. After a bit of simmering, shut off the heat, and add the chloroacetic acid and potassium nitrate. Mix well, and turn on the heat again to simmer.
7. Turn off the heat, contact a professional to process the remaining liquid in the pot, and it's done. Remember not to dirty the kitchen, as this is a rule that any chef must obey. With this meat and potato stew, that special person's tongue will definitely, definitely become addicted! You can't go wrong!
— Excerpt from one of Mizuki Himeji's recipes, Baka and Test: Summon the Beasts

Asuka's cooking isn't just bad, it's almost supernatural. When she steps into a kitchen, strange things start to happen. It's like she turns off the Earth's magnetic field.
Yuuki on his sister, E's Otherwise

Hurry! Put it in your mouth before the bowl melts!

Aishi: This is a Ctarl-Ctarl specialty! Geckji double stew! Eat some of this and you'll have the strength of five men!
Jim: Now wait a minute! Is this safe for human beings to actually eat and survive?

King Dedede: (tasting samples of Kawasaki's food) Tasteless! Nasty! Awful! This stinks! This too! Lousy! Putrid! Rancid! TREASON!!! Kawa-yucki, I oughta fry you up like a fritter!
Escargoon: I know this came out of the oven, but it tastes like it came outta the sofa cushions!
King Dedede: There's a word for this here stuff, and it ain't "food!"
Kirby: Right Back at Ya!, "The Big Taste Test"

Sumika: What kind of food explodes when cooked, and who invented it?
Miyako: ...You did.

Marisa: All right! I made all this food to cheer you up!
Reimu: Th- thanks. But, what is it?
Marisa: Bamboo shoots with rice, fire belly newt soup, pickled narcissius...
Reimu: OKAY STOP THERE. Isn't the narcissius poisonous?!
Marisa: Hahaha! Aren't poisonous plants more effective? But don't worry, I kept it cooking for as long as I could, to get rid of all the poison. Incidentally, the newt was also poisonous.
Reimu: *sigh of relief* Okay, so the poison was cooked out.
Marisa: Up next is the hemlock salad.
Marisa: Don't worry, *winks* the poison's been cooked out.
Reimu: From a salad?
Marisa: And then... there's a whole bunch of other foods that are really nutritious.
(cue panel with censored out trays of "food")
Reimu: Are you trying to kill me?
Marisa: I even brought out this viper sake I've been holdin' on to.

RIMURU: Don't tell me that this is going to be that overused trope where the seemingly-skilled hot woman turns out to suck at cooking!
SHION: *brings out the food, and it is purple, oozing, and emanating an evil miasma*
RIMURU: Why, trope, why?!

Suu: I'm detecting a truly unique flavor, and a distinct bouquet of insecticide. If, as people say, "cooking is a form of love♥", this dish is clearly Stockholm Syndrome.
Daily Life with Monster Girl, I ♥ Monster Girls, volume 2

    Fan Works 
"Oh, and since you just woke up you must be hungry." She got up, heading for the pantry. "Why don't I—"
Asuka's eyes widened, and she leapt after Misato. "No, that's okay! I'll make breakfast!"
"Aw, but I had this neat idea for an experiment! All I need is some horseradish and some curry and—"
"No, really, that's fine! I'm good here. Shinji made some rice balls before he left, so that'll be fine. Better than fine, great even! Shinji makes great stuff, right?" Her voice had a bit of a panicked edge to it.
"Oh, you're no fun," Misato pouted, sitting down. "Fine, fine, we'll have Shinji's boring-yet-tasty food. But you'll have to try mine eventually."
"Heh heh, sure, sure." Asuka's face turned a shade of green as she headed to the refrigerator to get the rice balls. She rolled her eyes and whispered a silent prayer to whatever deities might still exist that she be spared Misato's cooking for as long as possible.

Nanoha: Fate, the pudding is angry!
Fate: I told you not to let Arf cook!
Arf: It wasn't my fault, Tsuku was distracting me!
Tsukuyomi: The color of this dish is a bit off. Also, I believe that it is lethally poisonous to most forms of organic life, and probably will provoke allergic reactions in Thaxillian crystal birds.
Arf: You could have helped a bit, Tsuku!
Tsukuyomi: I did, I told you not to put in that much pepper.
Arf: Oooh, you are such a little... Fate, the whipped cream has grown teeth!

Ranma: Soup, Akane. How did you manage to burn soup? You'd better hope the EPA never finds out about you...
Akane: You could have at least tried it!
Ranma: Tried it? It was on fire! The bowl was melting! And I didn't like the look of that portal the fumes were forming...
Akane: It was only a tiny portal. And the chanting wasn't that ominous...
Ranma: Damnit, Akane, good cooking isn't supposed to break the laws of reality!

Misato: I’ll cook you a huge welcome home meal!
Shinji: Oh... great. (thinking) Oh God in Heaven, not again, I can’t go through that... food... again...

Major West: Jones, did you notice while cooking that these eggs are off?
Jones: I thought the salt might cover the taste, sir...

I'd offer to cook you dinner, but you look pretty miserable already.
— Steve Rogers, Avengers: Endgame

Invidia: Terrible, isn't it? On a scale of one to ten, ten being the most revolting and one being almost edible, I believe that rating this recipe would require the use of exponents.
Isana: I suppose food does not absolutely need to taste good in order to keep one alive.
Invidia: But to keep one from committing suicide, it does need to taste better than this.
First Lord's Fury, on the Vord Queen's cooking

Molly once burned my egg. My boiled egg. I don't know how.
Harry Dresden, Small Favor

Me-me's hamburger-olive loaf is so bad, it should be in jail.
Penny, Penny from Heaven

The cook-house staff consisted of two ex-dustmen and the 'Chef', Sergeant Paddy Harris, with multiple B.O., black fingernails and halitosis; medieval court poisoners couldn't have picked a more lethal trio. I could never help feeling they were paid by the Ministry of Bacteriological Warfare. Sergeant Harris was a regular. He went every morning without fail. In 1923 he was downgraded to B2 because of varicose veins hat made his legs look like maps of England's inland waterways. Still a citizens of the Republic, he spent his leave in Dublin. As far as the Irish were concerned, he was sabotaging the British war effort, and the way he cooked they weren't far out.

Mrs Dunwoody has incinerated the bread and smothered it in something that is not marmalade but seems more like a type of ointment. She has also put sago rather than tea leaves in the teapot. I'm not sure if this is a deliberate act of sabotage or if Mrs Dunwoody is exhausted to insanity by my mother's constant demands.
The Life Of A Teenage Body-Snatcher

    Live-Action TV 
Hank: How do you blow up a salad?
Oscar: Happens more than you think.

Carl, you don't cook, you burn. You burn eggs, you burn toast. You're the only man I know who burns jello.
Harriette Winslow, Family Matters, "Baker's Dozen"

Gordon Ramsay: What is that?
Jamie: It's a creamy chicken Kiev.
Ramsay: What in the fuck is that?! (picks something out of the dish)
Jamie: That... that... is a toothpick. Please don't... eat that.
Ramsay: Can you imagine if that hit someone's throat? I'm not even gonna taste it.

Lister: Rimmer, proper dumplings, when they are properly cooked to perfection, Rimmer, proper dumplings should not bounce!
Rimmer: True, but after the way I thought they were going to turn out they were quite superb.
Lister: So how's the Cat?
Rimmer: Oh, he's just sleeping off the stomach pump... He'll be all right. The lamb was a bit of a flop though.

Red Green: Water!
Eddie: Do you wanna take some cookies with you?
Noel: Oh yeah, thanks! Wouldn't want to go out there unarmed.

Ranek: Can [the food replicator] be used to create bio-weapons?
Doctor: Not unless you count Mr. Neelix's Bolian soufflé.

Doctor: Hmm. It looks like he's having an allergic reaction. What did he ingest?
B'Elanna: Just a cup of Neelix's coffee.
Even Hannibal Lecter couldn't keep that woman's cooking down!
Frasier Crane, Frasier

Maloney was took with the colic,
O'Donald's a pain in his head,
McNaughton lay down on the sofa
And he swore that he wished he was dead
Miss Bailey went into hysterics
And there she did wriggle and shake
And everyone swore they were poisoned
From eating Miss Fogarty's cake.
— Final verse, "Miss Fogarty's Christmas Cake," an Irish Christmas Song

They say that in the army,
The biscuts are mighty fine,
One fell off the table,
And killed a friend of mine.
— "They Say That In the Army"

    Newspaper Comics 
We'll have to blast 'em out. They heard we feed our prisoners C rations.
Bill Mauldin's Willie and Joe, commenting on a German bunker that has refused to surrender

Arthur, you’re aware the point of giving us separate meals is so that we can’t both get food poisoning? There’s really not much point if you’re just going to poison us in two different ways.
Douglas Richardson, Cabin Pressure, "Abu Dhabi"

    Video Games 
"You do realize you're a horrible chef, right? Do the world a favor and give up!"
Cammy White to El Fuerte, Street Fighter IV

What that 'something' was defied description. It didn't sit on the plate so much as squat malevolently, hating all and being hated by all...
Narrator, describing Noel Vermilion's cooking, BlazBlue

Hyde Kido: I-Is this curry?
Noel Vermillion: Hm? Yeah, just regular curry.
Hyde Kido: Why does it look... metallic?
Noel Vermillion: Oh, well that's interesting. Maybe it's because we used ingredients from this world. Oh, but don't worry about the flavor. It's real curry, through and through, I guarantee it!
Hyde Kido: (H-Hell no, it's not! This is DEFINITELY not curry... There's no way. The pressure coursing out of this dish... It's as if the Hollow Night was simmered in a pot and served up on a plate... Screw the flavor guarantee, I just want to know if I'll survive.)
BlazBlue: Cross Tag Battle (Episode UNIB)

Yosuke Hanamura: Is is just me, or does that looks a little, uh...
Yu Narukami: They've definitely taken some poetic license with the definition of pudding.
Yosuke Hanamura: Can get that license revoked somehow? It's like something out of a nightmare. It was looking almost edible a minute ago. What happened? And how can it be black and weirdly rainbowy at the same time?
Yu Narukami: ...The same way the puddles at a gas station can.
Yosuke Hanamura: This is 100% not good!
Blazblue Cross Tag Battle, describing Noel Vermillion's attempt to make pudding (Extra Episode)

You better prepare yourself. Because this... this will be the most difficult quest yet. Supreme Kai of Time's cooking is... well, it's more destructive than any Shenron out there.
Future Trunks, Dragon Ball Xenoverse

Luke: P-Professor! There's smoke coming off this tea!
Layton: We may have created something that was never meant to be.
Luke: I'm no coward, but even I'm not brave enough to drink that stuff.
Layton: Well then, our next course of action is obvious. Let's seal up this recipe and never make it again.
Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box, if you screw up on the tea minigame

actually, that spaghetti from wasn't too bad for my brother. since he started cooking lessons, he's been improving a lot. i bet if he keeps it up, next year he'll even make something edible.
Sans, Undertale

Drake: I can see a dark river. Where will it lead me?
Linus: To hell, man! Obviously!
Lucy: This is what happens to anyone who eats [Ricardo]'s cake. It touched you to the depths of your soul.
Time and Eternity, after a bite of Ricardulce cake.

"Everyone says my cooking is to die for... and then they laugh."
Felicia in Fire Emblem Heroes, when her Picnic variant talks about her "reputation" with her cooking.

Dorothea: I just got to thinking about how hard it must be to live somewhere so far away from home and... No. It can't be impossible. I'll fix you a real meal of Brigid. I'll just find a recipe and similar ingredients!
Petra: Wait, Dorothea. It is the thinking that counts. But your cooking is...what is the word...horrendous. That is what everyone is saying, anyway.
Dorothea: Horrendous? Nobody's cooking can be that bad!
Petra: The thinking is enough for me. You have my biggest gratitude.
Dorothea: Fine. I'll do something instead of cooking for you. I just want to be sure that you feel at home here.
Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Dorothea and Petra's C support

Milton: Don't encourage her. You wouldn't talk that way if you knew the atrocities of Mythra's cooking.
Lora: ...Atrocities?
(flashback to an incident where Milton and Addam get knocked out by Mythra's cooking, which is Censored for Comedy)
Milton: It does more damage to you than any Artifice ever could...
Xenoblade Chronicles 2 - Torna ~ The Golden Country

    Persona (yes, it needs its own folder) 
Yosuke: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!? I mean, what kinda— (cough cough) Curry's supposed to be like "really spicy" or "kinda mild"... This just stinks! And it's gritty too! It's somehow both gritty and slimy… And it's got squishy parts in it... It's so frickin' nasty I can't swallow it!
Chie: Well it just didn't mix too well... but it does offer a wide variety of textures...
Yosuke: It's nauseating!!
Chie: Come on, it's not that bad! That's just your opinion! (looks at the protagonist along with Yukiko)
Yosuke: (to the protagonist) I'm telling you as a friend... Don't. Do it. I wouldn't even joke about trying that slop!
Narration: You're being looked at with expectations... [...] The second you put it in your mouth, you sense that something is wrong... You can tell after one bite that it isn't edible... There's no way you can swallow it...
(the protagonist gets knocked out cold)
Chie: We're sorry.
Yukiko: Sorry...
Yosuke: (sigh) What're we gonna do? Our group's the only one without food. I mean, if was even slightly edible, that'd be one thing... But I'm not taking another bite of this Mystery Food X.

Nanako: I had one more chocolate! I made it myself! [presents something resembling a Slime]
A strange object sits on the plate... By some miracle, it has no smell at all...
Nanako: The big girls taught me how to make homemade chocolate creations! That's why I made one for you!
Just who taught her how to cook? Your instincts, honed after a year of battle, are ringing warning bells in your mind...
Nanako: Chie said that I should mix in iced coffee to add flavor. Oh, and bacon, since everyone likes bacon. Luckily, there was some bacon and iced coffee in the fridge!
Protagonist: [begins sweating]
Nanako: Rise-chan said that the chocolate should "assert itself," so it needs to be either really sweet or really spicy. You're a grown-up, big bro, so I thought you'd appreciate a bitter taste. So I put bell peppers and wheatgrass juice in it! I think that "sour chocolate" sounds really assertive, so I added vinegar and ponzu sauce, too!
Protagonist: !?
Nanako: Yukiko said that my chocolate would have "depth" if I added fish. So I added fish sausage and some of Dad's fermented squid!
Protagonist: [sweats profusely]
Nanako: And Naoto told me she'd let me borrow a recipe book... ...and when I told her I was already done, she told me that you'd enjoy anything that I made for you!
Nanako looks at you expectantly...
Nanako: Um... Big bro, thank you. ...I love you!
...... You HAVE no options!
[protagonist takes a bite out of the "chocolate"]
[protagonist drops dead]
Nanako: Big bro!? What's wrong, big bro!?
You can hear Nanako's voice from far away...

Yukiko: U-Um...sorry, I did make some [cookies] with Shinjiro-san, but those are his. The ones I made turned out like this...(takes out cookies)
Kanji: Huh, are those mud balls in the shape of pigs?
Yukiko: They're bear-shaped cocoa cookies!
Teddie: This is what bears look like to you, Yuki-chan?note 
Yukiko: I'm sorry, they're a bit off, aren't they?
Kanji: "A bit"?
Yukiko: They didn't turn out so well, so I asked Shinjiro-san to give you the ones he made.
P4 Protag: I think the thought alone is enough to make Rei happy.
Rei: Mm-hm! Can I have those those too, Yuki?
Yukiko: Huh? But...
P4 Protag: Sorry, no. You really shouldn't. I'm not kidding! It's dangerous!
Rei: Thanks for the food! (takes bite of cookies)
Yosuke: Ack, don't do it! You're taking your life in your hands!
Rei: Hrm? That's an interesting texture. It's delicious, too!
Shinjiro: Wha—! How could those be!?
Junpei: Whose cooking do you think is dangerous? Hers or Fuuka's?
Shinjiro: That's...that's...nnh...ughhh. Just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt.

(The boys have just convinced the girls to forage for garnish while they prepare a gigantic slab of meat, as they don't trust Chie and Yukiko not to screw the cooking process up.)
Teddie: Whew, it worked... Excellent job, Yosuke!
Yosuke: If we'd have left the cooking to them, we wouldn't end up with bait—we'd get a chemical weapon...
Ryuji: Dude... Are the girls on your team really that bad at cooking?
Yosuke: Don't even ask... There are things in this world you're better off not knowing.

    Visual Novels 
Hisui: ...I understand. If you do not mind, then I will make something [to eat].
Shiki: —! Yes! For real, Hisui!?
Hisui: Yes. But since you insisted, you are bringing this on yourself.
Shiki: Eh...?
(Narration): Saying something incredibly ominous, Hisui heads towards the kitchen.
Tsukihime, after Shiki manages to convince Hisui to cook something.

    Web Comics 
Artax: Don't touch that! It's a deadly mould!
Yeager: How do you know?
Artax: It looks like your cooking!

Florence: You said you had a cargo bay explosion, but this hole started in the kitchen and blew outwards.
Sam: Oh, yes. I should warn you about that. If Helix asks if he can make popcorn, tell him 'no'.

    Web Original 
Guy's restaurant should be shut down and he should be prosecuted to the furthest extent of the law for making toasted marshmallows taste like fish. That's like a dream wrapped in a nightmare. That sounds like something you'd find on the floor of a strip club in Thailand after the strippers ran out of ping pong balls.
Michael K., "Guy Fieri's New Restaurant Is A Gourmet Wonderland"

It's already gone wrong, Kay, you're boiling saran wrap! Kay, it's gone as wrong as it could! This is an FDA violation and most likely illegal!

    Western Animation 
Fry: My vision's fading! I think I'm gonna die!
Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was ten percent less than a lethal dose.
Zoidberg: Uh-oh. I shouldn't have had seconds...

Helmut Spargle: Your meal is... acceptable.
Bender: Then why did you only take one bite?
Helmut: Because my stomach is about to explode.
Futurama, showing how literally Bender takes this trope.

I didn't know you could burn juice.

"He burnt my fries!"
"He burnt my Krabby Patty!"
"He burnt my shake!"
— Various extras, SpongeBob SquarePants

Squidward: But I thought you were the head chef on the SS Gourmet!
Mr. Krabs: Did I say that? No, I cleaned the bathrooms on the Gourmet. I was the head chef on the S.S. Diarrhea.
Spongebob Squarepants, showing what happens when you use Exact Words.

Return to Lethal Chef, and take your burning cereal with you.


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