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1. Peel onion and potatoes, cutting them into appropriately-sized pieces.
2. Pour some oil into a pot and saute the onions.
3. When the onions become translucent, add the cut beef and potatoes and saute.
4. After stirring to a good amount, add water, sugar, soy sauce, and salt. Let the mixture simmer.
5. When the sauce's color changes a bit, add 45cc of sulfuric acid.
6. After a bit of simmering, shut off the heat, and add the chloroacetic acid and potassium nitrate. Mix well, and turn on the heat again to simmer.
7. Turn off the heat, contact a professional to process the remaining liquid in the pot, and it's done. Remember not to dirty the kitchen, as this is a rule that any chef must obey. With this meat and potato stew, that special person's tongue will definitely, definitely become addicted! You can't go wrong!
2. Pour some oil into a pot and saute the onions.
3. When the onions become translucent, add the cut beef and potatoes and saute.
4. After stirring to a good amount, add water, sugar, soy sauce, and salt. Let the mixture simmer.
5. When the sauce's color changes a bit, add 45cc of sulfuric acid.
6. After a bit of simmering, shut off the heat, and add the chloroacetic acid and potassium nitrate. Mix well, and turn on the heat again to simmer.
7. Turn off the heat, contact a professional to process the remaining liquid in the pot, and it's done. Remember not to dirty the kitchen, as this is a rule that any chef must obey. With this meat and potato stew, that special person's tongue will definitely, definitely become addicted! You can't go wrong!
— Excerpt from one of Mizuki Himeji's recipes, Baka and Test: Summon the Beasts
Asuka's cooking isn't just bad, it's almost supernatural. When she steps into a kitchen, strange things start to happen. It's like she turns off the Earth's magnetic field.
— Yuuki on his sister, E's Otherwise
Hurry! Put it in your mouth before the bowl melts!
— Sera, Is This A Zombie?
Aisha: This is a Ctarl-Ctarl specialty! Geckji double stew! Eat some of this and you'll have the strength of five men!
Jim: Now wait a minute! Is this safe for human beings to actually eat and survive?
Jim: Now wait a minute! Is this safe for human beings to actually eat and survive?
King Dedede: (tasting samples of Kawasaki's food) Tasteless! Nasty! Awful! This stinks! This too! Lousy! Putrid! Rancid! TREASON!!! Kawa-yucki, I oughta fry you up like a fritter!
Escargoon: I know this came out of the oven, but it tastes like it came outta the sofa cushions!
King Dedede: There's a word for this here stuff, and it ain't "food!"
Escargoon: I know this came out of the oven, but it tastes like it came outta the sofa cushions!
King Dedede: There's a word for this here stuff, and it ain't "food!"
— Kirby: Right Back at Ya!, "The Big Taste Test"
Sumika: What kind of food explodes when cooked, and who invented it?
Miyako: ...You did.
Miyako: ...You did.
Marisa: All right! I made all this food to cheer you up!
Reimu: Th- thanks. But, what is it?
Marisa: Bamboo shoots with rice, fire belly newt soup, pickled narcissius...
Reimu: OKAY STOP THERE. Isn't the narcissius poisonous?!
Marisa: Hahaha! Aren't poisonous plants more effective? But don't worry, I kept it cooking for as long as I could, to get rid of all the poison. Incidentally, the newt was also poisonous.
Reimu: *sigh of relief* Okay, so the poison was cooked out.
Marisa: Up next is the hemlock salad.
Reimu: *Face Fault* OKAY, I'M REALLY NOT LIKING THE SOUND OF THAT! THAT DEFINITELY DOES NOT SOUND LIKE SOMETHING I SHOULD EAT!
Marisa: Don't worry, *winks* the poison's been cooked out.
Reimu: From a salad?
Marisa: And then... there's a whole bunch of other foods that are really nutritious.
(cue panel with censored out trays of "food")
Reimu: Are you trying to kill me?
Marisa: I even brought out this viper sake
I've been holdin' on to.
Reimu: Th- thanks. But, what is it?
Marisa: Bamboo shoots with rice, fire belly newt soup, pickled narcissius...
Reimu: OKAY STOP THERE. Isn't the narcissius poisonous?!
Marisa: Hahaha! Aren't poisonous plants more effective? But don't worry, I kept it cooking for as long as I could, to get rid of all the poison. Incidentally, the newt was also poisonous.
Reimu: *sigh of relief* Okay, so the poison was cooked out.
Marisa: Up next is the hemlock salad.
Reimu: *Face Fault* OKAY, I'M REALLY NOT LIKING THE SOUND OF THAT! THAT DEFINITELY DOES NOT SOUND LIKE SOMETHING I SHOULD EAT!
Marisa: Don't worry, *winks* the poison's been cooked out.
Reimu: From a salad?
Marisa: And then... there's a whole bunch of other foods that are really nutritious.
(cue panel with censored out trays of "food")
Reimu: Are you trying to kill me?
Marisa: I even brought out this viper sake
I've been holdin' on to.— Touhou Ibarakasen ~ Wild and Horned Hermit, chapter 34
Rimuru: Don't tell me that this is going to be that overused trope where the seemingly-skilled hot woman turns out to suck at cooking!
(Shion brings out the food, and it is purple, oozing, and emanating an evil miasma)
Rimuru: Why, trope, why?!
(Shion brings out the food, and it is purple, oozing, and emanating an evil miasma)
Rimuru: Why, trope, why?!
I'm detecting a truly unique flavor, and a distinct bouquet of insecticide. If, as people say, "cooking is a form of love♥", this dish is clearly Stockholm Syndrome.
— Suu, Monster Musume, I ♥ Monster Girls, volume 2
Brock: That's a very strange flavor.
Max: I think calling it a flavor at all is going too far.
James: There is a hint of how you say, jet fuel, and an after taste of burning truck tires... and for some reason, I can't seem to quite swallow it. It is my conclusion that these PokéBlocks should be destroyed before anyone eats any of it by mistake.
Max: I think calling it a flavor at all is going too far.
James: There is a hint of how you say, jet fuel, and an after taste of burning truck tires... and for some reason, I can't seem to quite swallow it. It is my conclusion that these PokéBlocks should be destroyed before anyone eats any of it by mistake.
Chibiusa: It's on fire!
Usagi: I'M NOT BLIND! Every time I try to cook I always mess up!
Usagi: I'M NOT BLIND! Every time I try to cook I always mess up!
Luffy: It's my Kitchen Sink Curry!
Nami: Luffy... rice is inedible unless you cook it.
Chopper: What's this bitter purple stuff?!
Carrot: It's full of fish bones.
Brook: An enormous mass of jam!
Pedro: There's something clear... and sticky!
Pekoms: What did we ever do to you?
Nami: Luffy... rice is inedible unless you cook it.
Chopper: What's this bitter purple stuff?!
Carrot: It's full of fish bones.
Brook: An enormous mass of jam!
Pedro: There's something clear... and sticky!
Pekoms: What did we ever do to you?
Megumi: Well, this is nothing special. Anyone can make a tasty ohagi...
Kenshin: Ah, but the last time Miss Kaoru tried to cook ohagi, they turned out like mud balls—(is backhanded)— Oro!?
Kaoru: Don't spill out unnecessary details!
Kenshin: Ah, but the last time Miss Kaoru tried to cook ohagi, they turned out like mud balls—(is backhanded)— Oro!?
Kaoru: Don't spill out unnecessary details!
Comic Books
Calamity Jane (pulling a gun on the "volunteers" trying her crumpets): Crumpets or bullets! Your choice!
Volunteer: Calamity?
Calamity Jane: Yep?
Volunteer (opening his shirt): Shoot.
Volunteer: Calamity?
Calamity Jane: Yep?
Volunteer (opening his shirt): Shoot.
Fan Works
Ren: "Sumire told me about your cooking curse. I refuse to let you set fire to Leblanc.”
Kasumi pouted. “I’ve never set fire to anything-”
“You melted a pan.” The others stared at Kasumi in shock as she tried to deny it… only for Ren to pull out a picture Sumire sent him. It was impressive how deformed the kitchen utensil was.
Kasumi pouted. “I’ve never set fire to anything-”
“You melted a pan.” The others stared at Kasumi in shock as she tried to deny it… only for Ren to pull out a picture Sumire sent him. It was impressive how deformed the kitchen utensil was.
"Oh, and since you just woke up you must be hungry." She got up, heading for the pantry. "Why don't I—"
Asuka's eyes widened, and she leapt after Misato. "No, that's okay! I'll make breakfast!"
"Aw, but I had this neat idea for an experiment! All I need is some horseradish and some curry and—"
"No, really, that's fine! I'm good here. Shinji made some rice balls before he left, so that'll be fine. Better than fine, great even! Shinji makes great stuff, right?" Her voice had a bit of a panicked edge to it.
"Oh, you're no fun," Misato pouted, sitting down. "Fine, fine, we'll have Shinji's boring-yet-tasty food. But you'll have to try mine eventually."
"Heh heh, sure, sure." Asuka's face turned a shade of green as she headed to the refrigerator to get the rice balls. She rolled her eyes and whispered a silent prayer to whatever deities might still exist that she be spared Misato's cooking for as long as possible.
Asuka's eyes widened, and she leapt after Misato. "No, that's okay! I'll make breakfast!"
"Aw, but I had this neat idea for an experiment! All I need is some horseradish and some curry and—"
"No, really, that's fine! I'm good here. Shinji made some rice balls before he left, so that'll be fine. Better than fine, great even! Shinji makes great stuff, right?" Her voice had a bit of a panicked edge to it.
"Oh, you're no fun," Misato pouted, sitting down. "Fine, fine, we'll have Shinji's boring-yet-tasty food. But you'll have to try mine eventually."
"Heh heh, sure, sure." Asuka's face turned a shade of green as she headed to the refrigerator to get the rice balls. She rolled her eyes and whispered a silent prayer to whatever deities might still exist that she be spared Misato's cooking for as long as possible.
Nanoha: Fate, the pudding is angry!
Fate: I told you not to let Arf cook!
Arf: It wasn't my fault, Tsuku was distracting me!
Tsukuyomi: The color of this dish is a bit off. Also, I believe that it is lethally poisonous to most forms of organic life, and probably will provoke allergic reactions in Thaxillian crystal birds.
Arf: You could have helped a bit, Tsuku!
Tsukuyomi: I did, I told you not to put in that much pepper.
Arf: Oooh, you are such a little... Fate, the whipped cream has grown teeth!
Fate: I told you not to let Arf cook!
Arf: It wasn't my fault, Tsuku was distracting me!
Tsukuyomi: The color of this dish is a bit off. Also, I believe that it is lethally poisonous to most forms of organic life, and probably will provoke allergic reactions in Thaxillian crystal birds.
Arf: You could have helped a bit, Tsuku!
Tsukuyomi: I did, I told you not to put in that much pepper.
Arf: Oooh, you are such a little... Fate, the whipped cream has grown teeth!
— Infinity
"Determined to get better at cooking, especially now that she had a house guest, Pearl had decided that she wanted to prepare a meal for her and Marina. What was supposed to be a nice, elegant serving of homemade lasagna ended up being a sloppy, burnt around the edges, bubbling cheesy volcanic eruption of a science experiment gone terribly wrong.
Pearl ended up throwing the entire pan into the trash and ordered pizza instead."
Pearl ended up throwing the entire pan into the trash and ordered pizza instead."
— I've Got Your Back, Chapter 7
Ranma: Soup, Akane. How did you manage to burn soup? You'd better hope the EPA never finds out about you...
Akane: You could have at least tried it!
Ranma: Tried it? It was on fire! The bowl was melting! And I didn't like the look of that portal the fumes were forming...
Akane: It was only a tiny portal. And the chanting wasn't that ominous...
Ranma: Damnit, Akane, good cooking isn't supposed to break the laws of reality!
Akane: You could have at least tried it!
Ranma: Tried it? It was on fire! The bowl was melting! And I didn't like the look of that portal the fumes were forming...
Akane: It was only a tiny portal. And the chanting wasn't that ominous...
Ranma: Damnit, Akane, good cooking isn't supposed to break the laws of reality!
Misato: I’ll cook you a huge welcome home meal!
Shinji: Oh... great. (thinking) Oh God in Heaven, not again, I can't go through that... food... again...
Shinji: Oh... great. (thinking) Oh God in Heaven, not again, I can't go through that... food... again...
It'd be surprising if Chef Hatchet could make toast right. Toast that isn't soggy or green or is still on fire, or somehow all three at once.
— Tyler, Total Drama Comeback Series
"Of course, it was either him or Misato doing the cooking. And I'd rather than starve to death than eat Misato's culinary disasters. That crazy woman could set cereal on fire, and she'd still eat it and consider it a masterpiece!"
— Asuka, You Are (Not) At Fault
"I mustn't run away." He muttered, causing Shiki to freeze. He sat down at the table and weighed his options. Deciding that the bowl of what looked like soup would be a good starting point, he took a spoonful and instantly regretted his decision. As soon as the broth entered his mouth he was assaulted by a sense of dryness as if all moisture was sucked out of his mouth by the broth. His hand shot out for a glass of nearby water, gulping it down before nearly spitting it back out. Why does the water taste burnt!? He gazed at the final dish, a plain plate of rice covered in a non-Newtonian magenta mass that he swore was staring at him. He grabbed a spoon and scooped some up, noting it was both like an airy cream and a solid rock. He was barely cognizant of Shiki shaking him, begging him to stop, but he still took a bite out of wait, why was he staring at a vaguely familiar ceiling?
He was then informed by a very worried nurse (and two screaming tiny redheads) that he was in the Geofront hospital's ICU after getting his stomach pumped. Apparently, he broke a world record by eating two spoonfuls of Misato's cooking and only being unconscious for eight hours.
"It's official, I'm banning Misato from the kitchen." He grumbled as Leader and Shiki were pummeling his head.
He was then informed by a very worried nurse (and two screaming tiny redheads) that he was in the Geofront hospital's ICU after getting his stomach pumped. Apparently, he broke a world record by eating two spoonfuls of Misato's cooking and only being unconscious for eight hours.
"It's official, I'm banning Misato from the kitchen." He grumbled as Leader and Shiki were pummeling his head.
Loni mystifies me sometimes. The guy knows fifteen different ways how to tie a tie but he can't make scrambled eggs without starting a grease fire.
— Lane Loud, Peeking Through the Fourth Wall, Episode 38
Film
Major West: Jones, did you notice while cooking that these eggs are off?
Jones: I thought the salt might cover the taste, sir...
Jones: I thought the salt might cover the taste, sir...
I'd offer to cook you dinner, but you look pretty miserable already.
— Steve Rogers, Avengers: Endgame
Miss Plunkett: She sounds pretty distressed.
Mr. Farquhar: She's probably tried some of 'er own cooking!
Cookie: What is this?
Helga: That would be lettuce.
Cookie: Lettuce? LETTUCE!?
Helga: It's a vegetable, Cookie. The men need their four basic food groups.
Cookie: I got your four basic food groups: Beans, bacon, whiskey an' lard!
"TYLER'S BULLSHIT
undercooked lamb,
inedible shallot-leek butter sauce,
utter lack of cohesion"
undercooked lamb,
inedible shallot-leek butter sauce,
utter lack of cohesion"
— The Menu
Imaginary Auguste Gusteau: "You know what I always say: anyone can cook!"
Remy: "Well, yeah, anyone can. That doesn't mean that anyone should."
Gusteau: "That is not stopping him — look!"
Remy: "Oh... He's ruining the soup!"
Olive: Anyway, if it makes them ill, it'll make you ill too.
Stan: Not me, love. I've been eatin' your grub for years.
Arthur: 'Ere, it's like snake charmers. After they've been bitten a few times, they become immune.
"Vitaly, I've tasted your borscht. You're no fucking chef. I can eat in the restaurant for free, and I still don't eat there!"
— Yuri Orlov, Lord of War
Robin Hood: What have I got to offer [Maid Marian]?
Little John: Well, for one thing, you can't cook.
Little John: Well, for one thing, you can't cook.
Literature
Invidia: Terrible, isn't it? On a scale of one to ten, ten being the most revolting and one being almost edible, I believe that rating this recipe would require the use of exponents.
Isana: I suppose food does not absolutely need to taste good in order to keep one alive.
Invidia: But to keep one from committing suicide, it does need to taste better than this.
Isana: I suppose food does not absolutely need to taste good in order to keep one alive.
Invidia: But to keep one from committing suicide, it does need to taste better than this.
— First Lord's Fury, on the Vord Queen's cooking
Molly once burned my egg. My boiled egg. I don't know how.
— Harry Dresden, Small Favor
Me-me's hamburger-olive loaf is so bad, it should be in jail.
— Penny, Penny from Heaven
The cook-house staff consisted of two ex-dustmen and the 'Chef', Sergeant Paddy Harris, with multiple B.O., black fingernails and halitosis; medieval court poisoners couldn't have picked a more lethal trio. I could never help feeling they were paid by the Ministry of Bacteriological Warfare. Sergeant Harris was a regular. He went every morning without fail. In 1923 he was downgraded to B2 because of varicose veins that made his legs look like maps of England's inland waterways. Still a citizen of the Republic, he spent his leave in Dublin. As far as the Irish were concerned, he was sabotaging the British war effort, and the way he cooked they weren't far out.
Mrs. Dunwoody has incinerated the bread and smothered it in something that is not marmalade but seems more like a type of ointment. She has also put sago rather than tea leaves in the teapot. I'm not sure if this is a deliberate act of sabotage or if Mrs. Dunwoody is exhausted to insanity by my mother's constant demands.
—The Life Of A Teenage Body-Snatcher
Live-Action TV
Hank: How do you blow up a salad?
Oscar: Happens more than you think.
Oscar: Happens more than you think.
Cole: Did you tell them what you told me about Gina's cooking?
Gina: What?
Cole: He said it's so bad, the homeless give it back.
Gina: What?
Cole: He said it's so bad, the homeless give it back.
— Martin
Carl, you don't cook, you burn. You burn eggs, you burn toast. You're the only man I know who burns Jell-O.
— Harriette Winslow, Family Matters, "Baker's Dozen"
Gordon Ramsay: What is that?
Jamie: It's a creamy chicken Kiev.
Ramsay: What in the fuck is that?! (picks something out of the dish)
Jamie: That... that... is a toothpick. Please don't... eat that.
Ramsay: Can you imagine if that hit someone's throat? I'm not even gonna taste it.
Jamie: It's a creamy chicken Kiev.
Ramsay: What in the fuck is that?! (picks something out of the dish)
Jamie: That... that... is a toothpick. Please don't... eat that.
Ramsay: Can you imagine if that hit someone's throat? I'm not even gonna taste it.
Lister: Rimmer, proper dumplings, when they are properly cooked to perfection, Rimmer, proper dumplings should not bounce!
Rimmer: True, but after the way I thought they were going to turn out they were quite superb.
Lister: So how's the Cat?
Rimmer: Oh, he's just sleeping off the stomach pump... He'll be all right. The lamb was a bit of a flop though.
Lister: The lamb? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese. And that lemon meringue pie, man, what was in that?!
Rimmer: I thought you liked it, you brought some back.
Lister: Yeah, to try it out on my Athlete's Foot!
Rimmer: True, but after the way I thought they were going to turn out they were quite superb.
Lister: So how's the Cat?
Rimmer: Oh, he's just sleeping off the stomach pump... He'll be all right. The lamb was a bit of a flop though.
Lister: The lamb? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese. And that lemon meringue pie, man, what was in that?!
Rimmer: I thought you liked it, you brought some back.
Lister: Yeah, to try it out on my Athlete's Foot!
Red Green: Water!
Eddie: Do you wanna take some cookies with you?
Noel: Oh yeah, thanks! Wouldn't want to go out there unarmed.
Eddie: Do you wanna take some cookies with you?
Noel: Oh yeah, thanks! Wouldn't want to go out there unarmed.
Ranek: Can [the food replicator] be used to create bio-weapons?
Doctor!Seven: Not unless you count Mr. Neelix's Bolian soufflé.
Doctor!Seven: Not unless you count Mr. Neelix's Bolian soufflé.
— Star Trek: Voyager, "Body And Soul"
Doctor: Hmm. It looks like he's having an allergic reaction. What did he ingest?
B'Elanna: Just a cup of Neelix's coffee.
Doctor: It's a miracle he's still alive.
— Star Trek: Voyager, "Threshold"
Even Hannibal Lecter couldn't keep that woman's cooking down!
—Frasier Crane, Frasier
Mr Sherman: Oh, my god! Nadine, this tastes like shit! What the hell is wrong with you?! I thought you were gonna make a salad!
Nadine: It is. It's my overnight salad.
Mr Sherman: Mayonnaise and-and-and-and lettuce left out all night?! You need help, Nadine!
Daughter: Mommy, Baxter's not moving.
Baxter: *whine*
Nadine: I gave him a bite of my overnight salad.
Mr Sherman: Are you happy, Nadine? You killed the fucking dog. Are you stupid? Your brain is sick!
Nadine: Maybe does it need a big scoop of mayo?
Mr Sherman: There's a quarter in my salad! Why?!
Nadine: (starting to sing) Well, the quarter is the thing...
Mr Sherman: Nadine, Nadine, no, no, no, no, just stop! C'mon, girls, let's go. Come on.
Nadine: Well, guess I'm gonna have to eat this all myself. (singing) Doo dee doo dee, overnight salad...
(Smash Cut to gravestone reading 'Nadine Sherman - "Her Brain Was Sick"')
Nadine: It is. It's my overnight salad.
Mr Sherman: Mayonnaise and-and-and-and lettuce left out all night?! You need help, Nadine!
Daughter: Mommy, Baxter's not moving.
Baxter: *whine*
Nadine: I gave him a bite of my overnight salad.
Mr Sherman: Are you happy, Nadine? You killed the fucking dog. Are you stupid? Your brain is sick!
Nadine: Maybe does it need a big scoop of mayo?
Mr Sherman: There's a quarter in my salad! Why?!
Nadine: (starting to sing) Well, the quarter is the thing...
Mr Sherman: Nadine, Nadine, no, no, no, no, just stop! C'mon, girls, let's go. Come on.
Nadine: Well, guess I'm gonna have to eat this all myself. (singing) Doo dee doo dee, overnight salad...
(Smash Cut to gravestone reading 'Nadine Sherman - "Her Brain Was Sick"')
— Saturday Night Live, "Salad"
"This guy makes hamburgers with his hands. Then he comes and picks up this knife; now there's raw meat all over the knife! Rubs his hand all over this; now there's raw meat all over this! Touches the buns; cuts them with his hands; RAW MEAT ALL OVER EVERYTHING IN THIS KITCHEN! This place is completely cross-contaminated!"
— Jon Taffer, Bar Rescue, "Fear and Molding on Pineapple Hill"
Amy: Yeah, it might be the same thing. I'm not much of a cook.
— The Punisher (2017), "My Brother's Keeper"
"In the two days I've spent at Bonaparte's, I've witnessed total incompetence in the kitchen, a total lack of direction from the management, and last but not least, they've tried their best to kill me with a rotten scallop."
— Gordon Ramsay, Kitchen Nightmares UK, "Bonaparte's"
Music
Maloney was took with the colic,
O'Donald's a pain in his head,
McNaughton lay down on the sofa
And he swore that he wished he was dead
Miss Bailey went into hysterics
And there she did wriggle and shake
And everyone swore they were poisoned
From eating Miss Fogarty's cake.
O'Donald's a pain in his head,
McNaughton lay down on the sofa
And he swore that he wished he was dead
Miss Bailey went into hysterics
And there she did wriggle and shake
And everyone swore they were poisoned
From eating Miss Fogarty's cake.
— Final verse, "Miss Fogarty's Christmas Cake," an Irish Christmas Song
They say that in the army,
The biscuits are mighty fine,
One fell off the table,
And killed a friend of mine.
The biscuits are mighty fine,
One fell off the table,
And killed a friend of mine.
— "They Say That In the Army"
Our old mess sergeant's taste buds have been shot off in the war,
But his savoury collations add to our esprit de corps!
To think of all the marvellous ways
They're using plastics nowadays,
It makes a fellow proud to be a soldier!
But his savoury collations add to our esprit de corps!
To think of all the marvellous ways
They're using plastics nowadays,
It makes a fellow proud to be a soldier!
— Tom Lehrer, "It Makes A Fellow Proud To Be A Soldier"
Have you ever went over a friend's house to eat and the food just ain't no good?
I mean the macaroni's soggy, the peas are mushed and the chicken tastes like wood
And so you try to play it off like you think you can by saying that you're full
And then your friend says, "Mama, he's just being polite. He ain't finished, uh-uh, that's bull"
And so your heart starts pumping and you think of a lie and you say that you already ate
And your friend says, "Man, there's plenty of food" so you pile some more on your plate
But while the stinky food's steaming, your mind starts to dreaming of the moment that it's time to leave
And then you look at your plate and your chicken's slowly rotting into something that looks like cheese
Oh, so you say "That's it, I got to leave this place, I don't care what these people think
"I'm just sitting here making myself nauseous with this ugly food that stinks"
Oh, so you bust out the door while it's still closed, still sick from the food you ate
And then you run to the store for quick relief from a bottle of Kaopectate
And then you call your friend two weeks later to see how he has been
And he says "I understand about the food, Baby bubba, but we're still friends"
I mean the macaroni's soggy, the peas are mushed and the chicken tastes like wood
And so you try to play it off like you think you can by saying that you're full
And then your friend says, "Mama, he's just being polite. He ain't finished, uh-uh, that's bull"
And so your heart starts pumping and you think of a lie and you say that you already ate
And your friend says, "Man, there's plenty of food" so you pile some more on your plate
But while the stinky food's steaming, your mind starts to dreaming of the moment that it's time to leave
And then you look at your plate and your chicken's slowly rotting into something that looks like cheese
Oh, so you say "That's it, I got to leave this place, I don't care what these people think
"I'm just sitting here making myself nauseous with this ugly food that stinks"
Oh, so you bust out the door while it's still closed, still sick from the food you ate
And then you run to the store for quick relief from a bottle of Kaopectate
And then you call your friend two weeks later to see how he has been
And he says "I understand about the food, Baby bubba, but we're still friends"
—The Sugarhill Gang, "Rapper's Delight"
Newspaper Comics
We'll have to blast 'em out. They heard we feed our prisoners C rations.
— Bill Mauldin's Willie and Joe, commenting on a German bunker that has refused to surrender
Radio
Arthur, you’re aware the point of giving us separate meals is so that we can’t both get food poisoning? There’s really not much point if you’re just going to poison us in two different ways.
— Douglas Richardson, Cabin Pressure, "Abu Dhabi"
Video Games
"You do realize you're a horrible chef, right? Do the world a favor and give up!"
— Cammy White to El Fuerte, Street Fighter IV
What that 'something' was defied description. It didn't sit on the plate so much as squat malevolently, hating all and being hated by all...
— Narrator, describing Noel Vermilion's cooking, BlazBlue
Hyde Kido: I-Is this curry?
Noel Vermillion: Hm? Yeah, just regular curry.
Hyde Kido: Why does it look... metallic?
Noel Vermillion: Oh, well that's interesting. Maybe it's because we used ingredients from this world. Oh, but don't worry about the flavor. It's real curry, through and through, I guarantee it!
Hyde Kido: (H-Hell no, it's not! This is DEFINITELY not curry... There's no way. The pressure coursing out of this dish... It's as if the Hollow Night was simmered in a pot and served up on a plate... Screw the flavor guarantee, I just want to know if I'll survive.)
Noel Vermillion: Hm? Yeah, just regular curry.
Hyde Kido: Why does it look... metallic?
Noel Vermillion: Oh, well that's interesting. Maybe it's because we used ingredients from this world. Oh, but don't worry about the flavor. It's real curry, through and through, I guarantee it!
Hyde Kido: (H-Hell no, it's not! This is DEFINITELY not curry... There's no way. The pressure coursing out of this dish... It's as if the Hollow Night was simmered in a pot and served up on a plate... Screw the flavor guarantee, I just want to know if I'll survive.)
— BlazBlue: Cross Tag Battle (Episode UNIB)
Yu Narukami: .....
Yosuke Hanamura: Is is just me, or does that look a little, uh...
Yu Narukami: They've definitely taken some poetic license with the definition of pudding.
Yosuke Hanamura: Can we get that license revoked somehow? It's like something out of a nightmare. It was looking almost edible a minute ago. What happened? And how can it be black and weirdly rainbowy at the same time?
Yu Narukami: ...The same way the puddles at a gas station can.
Yosuke Hanamura: This is 100% not good!
Yosuke Hanamura: Is is just me, or does that look a little, uh...
Yu Narukami: They've definitely taken some poetic license with the definition of pudding.
Yosuke Hanamura: Can we get that license revoked somehow? It's like something out of a nightmare. It was looking almost edible a minute ago. What happened? And how can it be black and weirdly rainbowy at the same time?
Yu Narukami: ...The same way the puddles at a gas station can.
Yosuke Hanamura: This is 100% not good!
— Blazblue Cross Tag Battle, describing Noel Vermillion's attempt to make pudding (Extra Episode)
You better prepare yourself. Because this... this will be the most difficult quest yet. Supreme Kai of Time's cooking is... well, it's more destructive than any Shenron out there.
— Future Trunks, Dragon Ball Xenoverse
Luke: P-Professor! There's smoke coming off this tea!
Layton: We may have created something that was never meant to be.
Luke: I'm no coward, but even I'm not brave enough to drink that stuff.
Layton: Well then, our next course of action is obvious. Let's seal up this recipe and never make it again.
Layton: We may have created something that was never meant to be.
Luke: I'm no coward, but even I'm not brave enough to drink that stuff.
Layton: Well then, our next course of action is obvious. Let's seal up this recipe and never make it again.
— Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box, if you screw up on the tea minigame
actually, that spaghetti from earlier...it wasn't too bad for my brother. since he started cooking lessons, he's been improving a lot. i bet if he keeps it up, next year he'll even make something edible.
— Sans, Undertale
Drake: I can see a dark river. Where will it lead me?
Linus: To hell, man! Obviously!
Lucy: This is what happens to anyone who eats [Ricardo]'s cake. It touched you to the depths of your soul.
Linus: To hell, man! Obviously!
Lucy: This is what happens to anyone who eats [Ricardo]'s cake. It touched you to the depths of your soul.
—Time and Eternity, after a bite of Ricardulce cake.
"Everyone says my cooking is to die for… and then they laugh."
— Felicia in Fire Emblem Heroes, when her Picnic variant talks about her "reputation" with her cooking.
Dorothea: I just got to thinking about how hard it must be (for you) to live somewhere so far away from home and... No. It can't be impossible. I'll fix you a real meal of Brigid. I'll just find a recipe and similar ingredients!
Petra: Wait, Dorothea. It is the thinking that counts. But your cooking is...what is the word...horrendous. That is what everyone is saying, anyway.
Dorothea: Horrendous? Nobody's cooking can be that bad!
Petra: The thinking is enough for me. You have my biggest gratitude.
Dorothea: Fine. I'll do something instead of cooking for you. I just want to be sure that you feel at home here.
Petra: Wait, Dorothea. It is the thinking that counts. But your cooking is...what is the word...horrendous. That is what everyone is saying, anyway.
Dorothea: Horrendous? Nobody's cooking can be that bad!
Petra: The thinking is enough for me. You have my biggest gratitude.
Dorothea: Fine. I'll do something instead of cooking for you. I just want to be sure that you feel at home here.
— Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Dorothea and Petra's C support
Milton: Don't encourage her. You wouldn't talk that way if you knew the atrocities of Mythra's cooking.
Lora: ...Atrocities?
(flashback to an incident where Milton and Addam get knocked out by Mythra's cooking, which is Censored for Comedy)
Milton: It does more damage to you than any Artifice ever could...
Lora: ...Atrocities?
(flashback to an incident where Milton and Addam get knocked out by Mythra's cooking, which is Censored for Comedy)
Milton: It does more damage to you than any Artifice ever could...
— Xenoblade Chronicles 2 - Torna ~ The Golden Country
Persona (yes, it needs its own folder)
Fuuka: I'm learning how to cook, but I'm still just experimenting... I'm not even sure if it's edible at this point...
If you volunteer to help her, you might regret it. You're not quite courageous enough to take that risk. You need to be a badass first.
If you volunteer to help her, you might regret it. You're not quite courageous enough to take that risk. You need to be a badass first.
I'm sorry I made you taste test my cooking. I just figured that I could count on you for an honest opinion. Well... Thank you for your time today. I'm going to keep at it. I should focus on making it edible first though...
— Fuuka Yamagishi, Persona 3 Reload
Yosuke: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!? I mean, what kinda— (cough cough) Curry's supposed to be like "really spicy" or "kinda mild"... This just stinks! And it's gritty too! It's somehow both gritty and slimy… And it's got squishy parts in it... It's so frickin' nasty I can't swallow it!
Chie: Well, it just didn't mix too well... but it does offer a wide variety of textures...
Yosuke: It's nauseating!!
Chie: Come on, it's not that bad! That's just your opinion! (looks at the protagonist along with Yukiko)
Yosuke: (to the protagonist) I'm telling you as a friend... Don't. Do it. I wouldn't even joke about trying that slop!
Narration: You're being looked at with expectations... [...] The second you put it in your mouth, you sense that something is wrong... You can tell after one bite that it isn't edible... There's no way you can swallow it...
(the protagonist gets knocked out cold)
Chie: We're sorry.
Yukiko: Sorry...
Yosuke: (sigh) What're we gonna do? Our group's the only one without food. I mean, if was even slightly edible, that'd be one thing... But I'm not taking another bite of this Mystery Food X.
Chie: Well, it just didn't mix too well... but it does offer a wide variety of textures...
Yosuke: It's nauseating!!
Chie: Come on, it's not that bad! That's just your opinion! (looks at the protagonist along with Yukiko)
Yosuke: (to the protagonist) I'm telling you as a friend... Don't. Do it. I wouldn't even joke about trying that slop!
Narration: You're being looked at with expectations... [...] The second you put it in your mouth, you sense that something is wrong... You can tell after one bite that it isn't edible... There's no way you can swallow it...
(the protagonist gets knocked out cold)
Chie: We're sorry.
Yukiko: Sorry...
Yosuke: (sigh) What're we gonna do? Our group's the only one without food. I mean, if was even slightly edible, that'd be one thing... But I'm not taking another bite of this Mystery Food X.
Nanako: I had one more chocolate! I made it myself! [presents something resembling a Slime]
A strange object sits on the plate... By some miracle, it has no smell at all...
Nanako: The big girls taught me how to make homemade chocolate creations! That's why I made one for you!
Just who taught her how to cook? Your instincts, honed after a year of battle, are ringing warning bells in your mind...
Nanako: Chie said that I should mix in iced coffee to add flavor. Oh, and bacon, since everyone likes bacon. Luckily, there was some bacon and iced coffee in the fridge!
Protagonist: [begins sweating]
Nanako: Rise-chan said that the chocolate should "assert itself," so it needs to be either really sweet or really spicy. You're a grown-up, big bro, so I thought you'd appreciate a bitter taste. So I put bell peppers and wheatgrass juice in it! I think that "sour chocolate" sounds really assertive, so I added vinegar and ponzu sauce, too!
Protagonist: !?
Nanako: Yukiko said that my chocolate would have "depth" if I added fish. So I added fish sausage and some of Dad's fermented squid!
Protagonist: [sweats profusely]
Nanako: And Naoto told me she'd let me borrow a recipe book... ...and when I told her I was already done, she told me that you'd enjoy anything that I made for you!
Nanako looks at you expectantly...
Nanako: Um... Big bro, thank you. ...I love you!
...... You HAVE no options!
[protagonist takes a bite out of the "chocolate"]
It's...!
[protagonist drops dead]
Nanako: Big bro!? What's wrong, big bro!?
You can hear Nanako's voice from far away...
A strange object sits on the plate... By some miracle, it has no smell at all...
Nanako: The big girls taught me how to make homemade chocolate creations! That's why I made one for you!
Just who taught her how to cook? Your instincts, honed after a year of battle, are ringing warning bells in your mind...
Nanako: Chie said that I should mix in iced coffee to add flavor. Oh, and bacon, since everyone likes bacon. Luckily, there was some bacon and iced coffee in the fridge!
Protagonist: [begins sweating]
Nanako: Rise-chan said that the chocolate should "assert itself," so it needs to be either really sweet or really spicy. You're a grown-up, big bro, so I thought you'd appreciate a bitter taste. So I put bell peppers and wheatgrass juice in it! I think that "sour chocolate" sounds really assertive, so I added vinegar and ponzu sauce, too!
Protagonist: !?
Nanako: Yukiko said that my chocolate would have "depth" if I added fish. So I added fish sausage and some of Dad's fermented squid!
Protagonist: [sweats profusely]
Nanako: And Naoto told me she'd let me borrow a recipe book... ...and when I told her I was already done, she told me that you'd enjoy anything that I made for you!
Nanako looks at you expectantly...
Nanako: Um... Big bro, thank you. ...I love you!
...... You HAVE no options!
[protagonist takes a bite out of the "chocolate"]
It's...!
[protagonist drops dead]
Nanako: Big bro!? What's wrong, big bro!?
You can hear Nanako's voice from far away...
Yukiko: U-Um...sorry, I did make some [cookies] with Shinjiro-san, but those are his. The ones I made turned out like this...(takes out cookies)
Kanji: Huh, are those mud balls in the shape of pigs?
Yukiko: They're bear-shaped cocoa cookies!
Teddie: This is what bears look like to you, Yuki-chan?note
Yukiko: I'm sorry, they're a bit off, aren't they?
Kanji: "A bit"?
Yukiko: They didn't turn out so well, so I asked Shinjiro-san to give you the ones he made.
P4 Protag: I think the thought alone is enough to make Rei happy.
Rei: Mm-hm! Can I have those too, Yuki?
Yukiko: Huh? But...
P4 Protag: Sorry, no. You really shouldn't. I'm not kidding! It's dangerous!
Rei: Thanks for the food! (takes bite of cookies)
Yosuke: Ack, don't do it! You're taking your life in your hands!
Rei: Hrm? That's an interesting texture. It's delicious, too!
Shinjiro: Wha—! How could those be!?
Junpei: Whose cooking do you think is dangerous? Hers or Fuuka's?
Shinjiro: That's...that's...nnh...ughhh. Just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt.
Kanji: Huh, are those mud balls in the shape of pigs?
Yukiko: They're bear-shaped cocoa cookies!
Teddie: This is what bears look like to you, Yuki-chan?note
Yukiko: I'm sorry, they're a bit off, aren't they?
Kanji: "A bit"?
Yukiko: They didn't turn out so well, so I asked Shinjiro-san to give you the ones he made.
P4 Protag: I think the thought alone is enough to make Rei happy.
Rei: Mm-hm! Can I have those too, Yuki?
Yukiko: Huh? But...
P4 Protag: Sorry, no. You really shouldn't. I'm not kidding! It's dangerous!
Rei: Thanks for the food! (takes bite of cookies)
Yosuke: Ack, don't do it! You're taking your life in your hands!
Rei: Hrm? That's an interesting texture. It's delicious, too!
Shinjiro: Wha—! How could those be!?
Junpei: Whose cooking do you think is dangerous? Hers or Fuuka's?
Shinjiro: That's...that's...nnh...ughhh. Just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt.
P3P Heroine: That's so cool that [Yukiko is] the next manager of an inn. I bet you're great at housekeeping - and cooking, too!
P4 Hero: Don't... mention cooking again.
Futaba: I sense great tragedy in that comment...
P4 Hero: Don't... mention cooking again.
Futaba: I sense great tragedy in that comment...
(The boys have just convinced the girls to forage for garnish while they prepare a gigantic slab of meat, as they don't trust Chie and Yukiko not to screw the cooking process up.)
Teddie: Whew, it worked... Excellent job, Yosuke!
Yosuke: If we'd have left the cooking to them, we wouldn't end up with bait — we'd get a chemical weapon...
Ryuji: Dude... Are the girls on your team really that bad at cooking?
Yosuke: Don't even ask... There are things in this world you're better off not knowing.
Teddie: Whew, it worked... Excellent job, Yosuke!
Yosuke: If we'd have left the cooking to them, we wouldn't end up with bait — we'd get a chemical weapon...
Ryuji: Dude... Are the girls on your team really that bad at cooking?
Yosuke: Don't even ask... There are things in this world you're better off not knowing.
P3P Heroine: I know all about you too, Fuuka. Let's see, Fuuka's codename... Maybe Hacker? Or, Killer Chef?
Futaba: But "hacker" is my deal too.
Yosuke: Oh—in that case, "killer chef" is the deal for the girls on our team, too.
Chie: EXCUSE me!?
Fuuka: Oh... So, the me in your world isn't that great at cooking either...
P3P Heroine: Uhhh, not great isn't quite the idea... It's more like, it could result in a murder investigation?
Futaba: But "hacker" is my deal too.
Yosuke: Oh—in that case, "killer chef" is the deal for the girls on our team, too.
Chie: EXCUSE me!?
Fuuka: Oh... So, the me in your world isn't that great at cooking either...
P3P Heroine: Uhhh, not great isn't quite the idea... It's more like, it could result in a murder investigation?
Visual Novels
Hisui: ...I understand. If you do not mind, then I will make something [to eat].
Shiki: —! Yes! For real, Hisui!?
Hisui: Yes. But since you insisted, you are bringing this on yourself.
Shiki: Eh...?
(Narration): Saying something incredibly ominous, Hisui heads towards the kitchen.
Shiki: —! Yes! For real, Hisui!?
Hisui: Yes. But since you insisted, you are bringing this on yourself.
Shiki: Eh...?
(Narration): Saying something incredibly ominous, Hisui heads towards the kitchen.
— Tsukihime, after Shiki manages to convince Hisui to cook something.
Web Animation
Mario: That's a so nice looking burger!
[The camera zooms out to reveal the good burger is just a picture. Mario puts it away to reveal his own disgusting looking burger.]
Mario: Why doesn't mine look like that?!
[Mario kicks his burger away into the air]
Chris: Hey Mario, how'd you go with that burg- [Mario's burger flies into his mouth] Oh god! Oh, it's killing me!
[Chris falls behind the counter. He flies above it a few moments later glowing with a halo.]
[The camera zooms out to reveal the good burger is just a picture. Mario puts it away to reveal his own disgusting looking burger.]
Mario: Why doesn't mine look like that?!
[Mario kicks his burger away into the air]
Chris: Hey Mario, how'd you go with that burg- [Mario's burger flies into his mouth] Oh god! Oh, it's killing me!
[Chris falls behind the counter. He flies above it a few moments later glowing with a halo.]
Asmodeus: Lemme guess, I'm handling [breakfast] too.
Fizz: I mean, unless you want me to take a crack at cooking again!
Fizz: Whaaaat? Maybe I can burn the milk this time!
Web Comics
Artax: Don't touch that! It's a deadly mould!
Yeager: How do you know?
Artax: It looks like your cooking!
Yeager: How do you know?
Artax: It looks like your cooking!
—Nodwicknote
Florence: You said you had a cargo bay explosion, but this hole started in the kitchen and blew outwards.
Sam: Oh, yes. I should warn you about that. If Helix asks if he can make popcorn, tell him 'no'.
Web Original
Guy's restaurant should be shut down and he should be prosecuted to the furthest extent of the law for making toasted marshmallows taste like fish. That's like a dream wrapped in a nightmare. That sounds like something you'd find on the floor of a strip club in Thailand after the strippers ran out of ping pong balls.
— Michael K., "Guy Fieri's New Restaurant Is A Gourmet Wonderland"
, "Guy Fieri's New Restaurant Is A Gourmet Wonderland"It's already gone wrong, Kay, you're boiling saran wrap! Kay, it's gone as wrong as it could! This is an FDA violation and most likely illegal!
— Cr1TiKaL
Why do my meals turn out bad? It was the controller, not me!
— Scott The Woz, Review of Personal Trainer: Cooking
Western Animation
Fry: My vision's fading! I think I'm gonna die!
Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was ten percent less than a lethal dose.
Zoidberg: Uh-oh. I shouldn't have had seconds...
Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was ten percent less than a lethal dose.
Zoidberg: Uh-oh. I shouldn't have had seconds...
— Futurama
Fry: Man, I don't want to hurt Bender's feelings, but this food actually tastes better as vomit.
Leela: It's unbearable! How much do you think it would cost to get my tongue removed?
Leela: It's unbearable! How much do you think it would cost to get my tongue removed?
— Futurama
Helmut Spargle: Your meal is... acceptable.
Bender: Then why did you only take one bite?
Helmut: Because my stomach is about to explode.
Bender: Then why did you only take one bite?
Helmut: Because my stomach is about to explode.
— Futurama, showing how literally Bender takes this trope.
I didn't know you could burn juice.
— Rarity, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic
"Pee-ew! You call this food?!"
"My sandwich tastes like a fried boot."
"My sandwich is a fried boot!"
"My sandwich tastes like a fried boot."
"My sandwich is a fried boot!"
— Various extras, SpongeBob SquarePants
Squidward: But I thought you were the head chef on the SS Gourmet!
Mr. Krabs: Did I say that? No, I cleaned the bathrooms on the Gourmet. I was the head chef on the S.S. Diarrhea.
Mr. Krabs: Did I say that? No, I cleaned the bathrooms on the Gourmet. I was the head chef on the S.S. Diarrhea.
— SpongeBob SquarePants, showing what happens when you use Exact Words.
[Chowder force feeds Mung Daal his newly created "Foof N' Scoops", with the scene cutting to Chowder just outside the restroom as Mung Daal vomits out the dish. After flushing the toilet, Mung sticks his head out the door.]
Mung: Uh, Chowder... I neglected to tell you the most important quality a chef must have.
Chowder: More important than hands?
Mung: YES! It's not to kill anyone with their recipes!
Chowder: But... I know customers will want to eat my Foof N' Scoops. They're magically fooflicious!
Mung: No, Chowder... Believe me, no one will want to eat this.
Mung: Uh, Chowder... I neglected to tell you the most important quality a chef must have.
Chowder: More important than hands?
Mung: YES! It's not to kill anyone with their recipes!
Chowder: But... I know customers will want to eat my Foof N' Scoops. They're magically fooflicious!
Mung: No, Chowder... Believe me, no one will want to eat this.
— Chowder, "Chowder's Catering Company"
"I think she's using the same recipe I used to make my topographical map of Mexico."
— Arthur, Arthur, "The Half-Baked Sale"
Amity: We've been here for months and we've made no progress on the portal door. We can't expect Camila to take care of us forever.
Gus: In the meantime, we could pull more weight around the kitchen. My mustard ravioli did bring tears to her eyes.
Vee: Those weren't the kind of tears you're thinking of.
Gus: In the meantime, we could pull more weight around the kitchen. My mustard ravioli did bring tears to her eyes.
Vee: Those weren't the kind of tears you're thinking of.
—The Owl House, "Thanks to Them"
Return to Lethal Chef, and take your burning cereal with you.
