Web Video: Sword Art Online Abridged

Sword Art Online Abridged is an abridged series of Sword Art Online, made by Something Witty Entertainment. It currently has five episodes. The series stars a Jerkass version of Kirito, who, along with other characters and the rest of the unfortunate players, work their way up to the top of Castle Aincrad... as if it was in a typical internet fashion. Hilarity Ensues.

Contains examples of:

  • A God Am I: Kirito lapses into this after Rosalia intentionally pushes all three of his Berserk Buttons, and he reveals that his level is so high that his wounds "heal faster than [they] can make them."
    Kirito: We could do this all day, and you would not be any closer to beating me, not that it wouldn't be fun. But, I've got good news. You see, there's no need to wonder where your god is! 'Cause he's right here! And he's fresh out of mercy!
    In the background, a random Mook begins crying in despair.
  • And Your Reward Is Clothes: That mystery item that is said to be able to res' players? Well, in the words of Kirito:
    Kirito: It's a hat. It's a goddamn hat.
  • Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!: Happens a lot with the background characters/random players. Crosses over with Too Dumb to Live a lot of the time.
    Diabel (in the first boss battle): Squad F! For fuck's sake, stop playing Bejeweled! Arrgh!
  • Artificial Stupidity: The NPC Companions that make up the bulk of the Moonlit Black Cats guild in Episode 3. Two are from quests that Keita never finished so they would stick with him and do most of the work for him, and one is from the tutorial... Which he never finished. They tend to spout dialogue from their specific quests that loops every few minutes or so, and act just as problematic as most A.I. 'bots in other games. Only in SAO, the consequences of their stupidity result in the death of the only human player on the guild besides Kirito and Keita, Sachi.
  • Berserk Button: Kirito has several of these, including, but not limited to:
    1. Insulting his level/stats, or implying he's on par with weaker players.
    2. Insinuating that he sounds like a girl.
    3. Being psycho-analyzed by someone with what amounts to a single class of experience, who's obviously posturing.
  • Break the Cutie: Let's just say episode 4 was not kind to Silica...
  • Break Them by Talking: Seems to be (or have been) Rosalia's method of choice, using what Kirito aptly described as "first-year psyche-student" analysis to try and get inside her opponents' heads and psyche them out, breaking them until they're a "gibbering mess" so that her Titans' Hand goons can finish the job. Needless to say, this comes back to bite her when she pushes Kirito too far.
  • Bring Me My Brown Pants: During the fight with Illfang the Kobold Lord.
    Illfang: Massive roar.
    Pop-up appears that reads "Bonus Item: Soiled Pants".
    Random Player: Hey! Rare drop.
  • Character Development: In the Beginning, Kirito was a dick, nothing out of the ordinary for a typical player in an MMO, but as the series has progressed he has gone from merely a dick, to a Jerkass, to caring for others, to Becoming a complete Sociopath who killed a player who, although tried to harm or even kill him, wasn't even capable of harming him.
  • Cool and Unusual Punishment: What Schmit's more... "Verbose" commenters have threatened to inflict on him for his video-game reviews back in the real world. Nothing out of the ordinary, given the rule of GIFT, but the nature of the Death Game within Aincrad leaves him Properly Paranoid that they might find him and make good on their threats. Using his spine as a pitching wedge and hacking off all of his limbs to ride him "like some kind of meat toboggan" are just two of the inventive ways they've threatened him in the past.
    Kirito (for the lulz): You hear that, Asuna? "Meat toboggan." Yeah, try gettin' that one out of your head. Grippin' his entrails like the reins of Santa's sleigh (The sound of sleigh-bells can be heard), streaking through the fresh morning snow on a trail of bile and gore, as his eyes beg the same question as the horrified children in his wake: "Why?"
    Schmit (understandably freaked): OH GOD!
  • Conservation of Competence: In episode 4, two members of the Titans Hand guild seem to realize pretty quick that Kirito may be a major threat before they even attack, one even putting together the following:
    Mook 1: Um, Boss? A thought occurs, this guy thought he was going up against Laughing Coffin note , but he still just brought himself and a small child. Are we sure we want to mess with this guy?
    • And another when Kirito tells them he will let them attack first responds to their boss with:
    Mook 2: Boss, I think this might be a trap.
  • Chronic Hero Syndrome: As a result of the events of Episode 3, Kirito's PTSD Trigger pretty much forces him into this role, compelling his brain to act against his will and involve him in other people's problems, which he would never do normally, being the Heroic Comedic Sociopath that he is.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Kirito, oh so much.
  • Death by Adaptation: In the original show, Kirito merely sends Rosalia to jail. Here? He straight up murders her in cold blood, despite her being not threat to him. Also Pina.
  • Driven to Suicide: The sheer stupidity of the other players cause Diabel to refuse the health potion.
    • In Episode 3, Keita of the Moonlit Black Cats also gives up and jumps off the side of Aincrad, due to both his entire guild dying in a dungeon he sent them into to replace an item he sold to the mob, and the knowledge that the mob would be coming for him to pay back the debt for not being able to recreate said item.
  • Embarrassing Nickname: Poor Klein. His character's name is "BallsDeep69." The jokes practically write themselves. Kirito usually refers to him as either "Balls" or "Ballsy," much to his chagrin and despite his insistence that he use his real name.
  • Everyone Has Standards: Even Kirito. Upon entering SAO on launch day and discovering tons of ads everywhere, he is outright disgusted. And it only goes downhill from there.
    Kirito (upon seeing the ads): AH! Come on, really? That's just disgusting. Activate ad-blocker.
    Popup appears: "SAO STORE: Purchase "Ad-Blocker" DLC for $29.99?"
    • He also lapses into a Tranquil Fury state again in Episode 3, after the mystery rare item that is said to be able to res' players turns out to be "A goddamn hat."
  • Evil Laugh: Kirito does one at the end of Episode 2.
    • He does this again in Episode 4, after devolving into Laughing Mad after Rosalia hits his berserk buttons.
    • And again in Episode 5, when he mauls Gary to death as vengeance for his stupidity that led to the deaths of the rest of the Moonlit Black Cats.
  • Explain, Explain... Oh, Crap!: What happens during the fight with Illfang during the second episode when it brings out the nodachi instead of the Talwar listed in the beta-tester's guide book. Instead of outright saying why it's bad that the weapon's a nodachi instead of a talwar, Kirito proceeds to give a small lecture over the history of both weapons first, only summarizing his point after Diabel is mortally wounded.
    Diabel: And why couldn't you say that first?
    Kirito (fishing for a potion in his inventory): I like to think of myself as a teacher.
  • Face Doodling: Kirito does this to Asuna while she sleeps in Episode 5.
  • Freeze-Frame Bonus: When the players finally face Illfang, one of the boss' minions has a pop-up error.
    Error: Sentinel_Shriek.wav not found.
  • From Nobody to Nightmare: It is hinted at the end of episode 2 that Jeffrey may have started the Laughing Coffin Player Killing guild just because his hallucination of Jesus told him to "Kill Them All." The Stinger is the Laughing Coffin symbol with "Jesus Loves Me'' playing in the background.
    • The Cat from Episode 2 is now the The Don of the game's mob.
  • Heroic Comedic Sociopath: Kirito is this, big time, to the point that Klein straight up calls him a sociopath in the third episode.
  • The Gadfly: Kirito has shades of this.
  • Gone Horribly Right: Well, Rosalia did want to break Kirito's resolve with her limited understanding of human psychology. Too bad it worked a little too well, and ended up with Kirito going full sociopath on her and killing her.
  • Hopeless With Tech: Asuna. Full stop. She doesn't even know how to open the menu, which is literally a matter of life or death given that most of the interactions within SAO are done through the menu. How she managed to survive the first month is nothing short of a miracle, and the ending of episode two shows she still has no idea how to open the damn thing. Also, while she is a competent fighter and strategist, she obviously hasn't played MMOs before, having no idea what "XP" stands for, and thinking that "DPS" has something to do with sex. She eventually gets over it by Episode 5.
  • How Do I Shoot Web: Again, Asuna. Not with the game's combat engine, but with opening the menu. The most basic requirement for doing literally anything in the world of SAO, or any VMMORPG out there. Best evidenced in a flashback to where she tries to eat a pastry of some sort.
    Asuna (exasperated): ... HOW DO I EAT YOU?!?!
    • Klein also has shades of this in the first episode, but this is justified in both that it's his first time using Nerve Gear, and that they're just discovering the "logout" button doesn't exist. Or, as he himself put it:
    Klein: Dude, its Nerve Gear, I can't ALT+F4 this shit.
  • Jerkass: Kirito.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Kirito became this after having an all night talk with Sachi. However...
  • Killer Rabbit: Sheeptar the Sheep King, who apparently managed to kill 12 players, yet everyone agrees it's a stupid boss.
  • Kindness Button: In the aftermath of Episode 3, Kirito has developed a particularly nasty emotional trigger that causes him to lapse from his jerkass persona into actually caring about someone else' problems for a fraction of a second before relapsing, in the form of the phrase "Not your fault," or just "your fault."
  • Laughing Mad: Kirito goes utterly nuts after one too many jabs from Rosalia. He repeats this with Gary, when he resurfaces in Episode 5.
  • Leeroy Jenkins: Par for the course, with SAO being an MMO and all. A lot of the background characters tend fall into this category under duress.
    Diabel: All right men, form up an—
    Random Player: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!!
    Zerg Rush ensues
    Diabel: What?! NO! GOD DAMN IT GUYS!
  • Like an Old Married Couple: Kirito and Asuna. Even during boss battles.
  • Medium Shift Gag: First, the in-universe YouTube video of "Subject Theta" in Episode 1. And then, Sir Jack Dapper doing the narration for Episode 3.
  • Metaphorgotten: From episode 3:
    Sir Jack Dapper: And in time, Kirito found that he could almost tolerate [the Moonlit Black Cats], much like a fat man tolerates the tapeworms in his intestines. And like those tapeworms, that guild burrowed deep into his innards, and gorged themselves on his leftovers, until they began causing abdominal pain and diarrhea.
  • Mugging the Monster: In Episode 4, where it's even Lampshaded by a Titan's Hand member that messing with Kirito may not be such a good idea.
  • My Kung-Fu Is Stronger Than Yours: As Kirito so aptly puts it after the Titan's Hand mooks can't land a scratch on him.
    Random Mook: I don't understand! We threw everything we had at him, how is he still standing?!
    Kirito: "How"?! Well, it's quite simple really. You see (to Rosalia), "Girlie," you may think ya got me all figured out, but there's one thing, you didn't account for: my numbers (unveils Level 78 stats) are bigger than yours!
  • Only Sane Man: Kirito mainly, given that most of the other background/random players are complete idiots. Diabel also qualified, before his untimely demise, being the only one with any real drive to try and clear the boss room, rally the other players, and try to come up with workable strategies that wouldn't result in all of them getting brutally slaughtered. His exasperated order-barking during the battle with Illfang was not unlike that of a Raid leader trying to rein in a party of n00bs, with the same amount of success.
  • Pass the Popcorn: Cited nigh word for word by Asuna, describing Kirito's usual response to human suffering.
  • Precision F-Strike: Made possible by Kayaba/Taka disabling the profanity filter following his speech in the first episode. Given that this is the Internet and an MMO though, this was bound to happen regardless of whether or not it was bleeped out.
    • In fact, the very first words said after Kayaba disables the profanity filter are "We're fucked!"
  • Punch! Punch! Punch! Uh Oh...: When the Titan's Hand thugs are slashing at Kirito, he giggles madly with each strike they land on him.
  • Red Eyes, Take Warning: When Kirito has gone full crazy, his face darkens and his eyes glow an ominous red. You have a brief window of time to back off though, when his eyes shrink to the size of pinpricks in rage. It signals the start of nerd rage driven madness.
  • Shaggy Dog Story: The timer on Pina's heart runs out just as Silica tries to resurrect him.
  • Shaped Like Itself: "Always remember: To jump, jump!"
  • Shout-Out: Quite a few, especially to games, as one would expect.
    Kirito: Wow, what brilliant insight! It's so deep it loops right back around to being stupid.
    Rucks: The Kid ranted at no one, it slowly dawnin' just how alone he truly was.
    Kirito: Wait, what was that?
  • Shut Up, Hannibal!: Kirito delivers a particularly awesome one to Rosalia before he kills her. Doubles as a Pre Mortem Oneliner as well.
    Kirito (to Rosalia): I'm gettin' real tired of your first-year psych student bullshit.
  • The Sociopath: In Episode 4, it's shown the events of the previous episode have taken a major toll on Kirito's psyche. Where he was once merely a dick, he is now a full blown sociopath, with little remaining of his emotions other than rage and a bit of sorrow, in fact he straight up kills Rosalia note  when she and Titans Hand were clearly no threat to him. Can be considered Character Development.
  • Surrounded by Idiots: Pretty much the reason why Kirito is a solo player and a sociopath.
  • Take That: Given that it takes place in an MMORPG and this is the Internet, this is pretty much expected. Goes hand in hand with a lot of self-depreciating humor.
    • A good example is shown early on during Kayaba's introductory speech to the players about the death-game:
    Kayaba: Much like the World of Warcraft, none of you are hear by choice anymore. Unlike WOW, however, you're being held here by me, not by your need to escape your empty fucking lives.
    • Another one from Kayaba:
    Random Player: When was the last time you heard of someone beating EverQuest?
    Kayaba: When was the last time you heard of someone playing EverQuest?
    Random Player: ... That's fair.
    • Later shown in the list of acceptable losses to be sacrificed to defeat the first boss, Illfang the Kobold Lord, as listed in the guide book written by the beta-testers:
    "Good rule of thumb, if a player asks you for gold two seconds after meeting you, front lines. If they hijack conversations to rant about their political views, front lines. If they ask female players for pics of their boobs, front lines."
    • From Episode 3, the stupidity of the NPC Companions that Keita roped into the Moonlit Black Cats by not finishing their respective quests seems to be a stab at the short-comings of A.I. characters and 'bots in gaming, and the tendencies for their programming to either hinder progress or outright derail the gameplay and end in everyone getting killed.
    • Episode 4 seems to be one to people who think that learning a small amount of psychology (or any kind of "important" knowledge for that matter) automatically makes them an expert at it, and that it applies to real-life situations with little to no reprecussions on their part. This takes the form of Rosalia, who's "first year, psyche-student bullshit" ends up being her undoing when she tries to use it to break Kirito.
    • Also from Episode 4, shots are taken at the repetitive nature of questing in MMORPGs and games in general with, instead of simply collecting the flower like in canon, Kirito and Silica collecting fifty flowers to trade back into the town for a gem, which they'd give to a gate-keeper, which would unlock a dungeon where they would fight a series of bosses in order to get the real flower. As Silica so aptly put it:
    Silica: That's insane! Who would design a game this way?!
    Kirito: You don't play a lot of RPGs, do you?
  • Tranquil Fury: Kirito can lapse into this in a more level-headed and sane mindset, though pushing one or more of his berserk buttons will cause him to go Laughing Mad.
  • Troll: Asuna wanted half of the rare item that Kirito got, but since it's only one item, Kirito offers a trade, but Asuna is unable to do so. Why? Kirito told her to open the menu, knowing she had no idea how to.
  • Verbal Tic: The NPC Companions in the Moonlit Black Cats. All they can say is dialogue from their specific quest-lines. Two are regular quests, while one is from the tutorial.
    Gary: We must save my family!
    Charlie: The bandits are coming!
  • Video Game Cruelty Potential: Keita takes advantage of the fact that the NPC Companions for the quests in the game have to stick with them until their specific quest is completed to basically turn them into slaves by never finishing said quests and thus making them the bulk of the Moonlit Black Cats. However, their aforementioned Artificial Stupidity ends up being the guild's undoing, as well as his own.
    • Episode 4 opens with Rosalia arguing with Silica to let her skin Pina just so she can upgrade her Leatherworking skill!! Yes, apparently, you can use your pets in SAO as emergency ingredient items for boosting your own stats. Screw emotional attatchments, I need dragonskin leather pants!
    Kirito: She's right, you know. Dragon Leather is surprisingly comfortable.
  • Viewer-Friendly Interface: Sometimes shows up when the game does something that it didn't do in the original.
    • In episode 1, the dialog box that prompts Kirito to buy the Ad-Blocker DLC is twice as tall as him.
    • Episode 4 has the game vocally announcing "Item has expired!"
  • We Have Reserves: The basic strategy listed in the guide book for dealing with Illfang the Kobold Lord in Episode 2 is basically this. Kinda grim, given that the weaker players suggested to be used as canon-fodder are actual people. Although, to be fair, when the guide book was written, killing the noobs was simply dickish, not outright murder. That didn't start until the game's official launch.
  • Zerg Rush: See the We Have Reserves entry above.