Kirito Quotes
"'How'?! Well, it's quite simple really. You see (to Rosalia), 'Girlie,' you may think ya got me all figured out, but there's one thing, you didn't account for: my numbers (unveils Level 78 stats) are bigger than yours! Funny thing, really. Get to a high enough level and you're basically untouchable, my wounds heal faster than you can make them! We could do this all day, and you would not be any closer to beating me, not that it wouldn't be fun. But, I've got good news. You see, there's no need to wonder where your god is! 'Cause he's right here! And he's fresh out of mercy!" (In the background, a random Mook begins crying in despair.)
"Of course not. Obviously, it was a hit by the mermaid mafia paid in leprechaun gold. But who was the puppet master? The unicorns? No, they’ve had a feud with going with the mermaids for years."
Yoko: "But like I said in the hotel room, a ghost wouldn’t have to follow the rules of a game. How did you realize I was lying?"
Kirito: "Ah, well that part was quite simple. You see, I’m not an idiot."
Keinz: "...That'd do it."
Kirito: "Ah, well that part was quite simple. You see, I’m not an idiot."
Keinz: "...That'd do it."
Kirito: "Not a fan of that one? note I have others. How about... you look like Benjamin Button fucked an old catcher's mitt. Like four inches of face stretched over twelve inches of skull. Like a moldy jack-o-lantern that some frat guy barfed in and then crushed against his forehead because he was super drunk and thought it was a beer can and immediately regretted every single life choice he ever made!"
Kuradeel: "Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!"
Kirito: "Well, how would you like me to mock you, then? I take requests."
Kuradeel: "Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!"
Kirito: "Well, how would you like me to mock you, then? I take requests."
Yoko: [Schmitt] used to review games back in the real world. But ever since he's been trapped in here, he's been terrified that his more... verbose commenters are going to make good on their threats.
Schmitt: I used to laugh at their comments! You hear me? LAUGH! But now, what if they actually DO chop off my limbs, rip out my intestines, and ride me like some sort of meat toboggan?!
Kirito: Ya hear that, Asuna? "Meat Toboggan." Try gettin' THAT image out of your head. Gripping his entrails like the reins of Santa's sleigh, streaking through the fresh morning snow on a trail of bile and gore, as his eyes beg the same question as the horrified children in his wake: "Why...?"
Schmitt: I used to laugh at their comments! You hear me? LAUGH! But now, what if they actually DO chop off my limbs, rip out my intestines, and ride me like some sort of meat toboggan?!
Kirito: Ya hear that, Asuna? "Meat Toboggan." Try gettin' THAT image out of your head. Gripping his entrails like the reins of Santa's sleigh, streaking through the fresh morning snow on a trail of bile and gore, as his eyes beg the same question as the horrified children in his wake: "Why...?"
"You know something? I really hate people! They're selfish, ignorant, loud obnoxious pricks, with basically no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I mean really, look at all they've achieved! Genocide, global warming, reality TV, and just a never ending parade of failures and fuck ups! They are, without question, a complete write-off of a species, and how dare you make me care about them!"
"Pair that with a well hidden teleport crystal and you'd have an instant recipe for mysterious death. Serves one per conspirator, may contain trace amounts of called it!"
"Hey! At least they had the guts to be here without a freakin' cheat code! They volunteered to be here. Even though they knew it could get them killed! Which is just a few magnitudes more than I can say about you."
"Oh, don't worry about me, Kayaba. This won't be anything like last time. Because now... I've got something worth fighting for!"
"All this time... I thought Sugou was my true nemesis. But in reality... you were always the one pulling my strings, weren't you, Alfheim Naming Screen Guy? Heheheheh I may be losing my mind, can I please just play the game now?"
"Man... it's good to be home."
"Hey, I'll have you know that I did the sex a bunch of times with my... online... wife... Oh god. Why did I word it that way?"
"No. I... I will not let this stand. If you think I fought tooth and nail for two years just so I could kowtow to some ass-clown like you, then you are in for a rude awakening. Prepare to reap the fucking whirlwind that is the unbridled fury of the Hero of Aincrad! [writes an angry tweet] Yeah. Take THAT! "Sugou"? More like... "Su-go fuck yourself"!"
"Oh, man. I wonder if all my items carried over, too! [sees that all his items are corrupted] Ah, well. Can't have everything, I guess. All I'm really losing is my sword, some armor, an- MY DAUGHTER!!!"
"Oh, don't worry about me. My wife punches me during sex."
Asuna Quotes
Kirito: "Oh, spare me, Wonder Woman. You're only doing this to prove I was wrong."
Asuna: "Hey, at least I pretend to be nice to people!"
Kirito: "Yeah, whatev... wait, pretend?"
Asuna: "Hey, at least I pretend to be nice to people!"
Kirito: "Yeah, whatev... wait, pretend?"
Tiffany: WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU!? WHY WOULD YOU BRING HER HERE!? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!
Kirito: What? I don't understand! What's the problem?
Asuna: Hey T-Dawg, what is up in dis hiz-ouse?
*beat, Kirito starts sobbing*
Tiffany: Are you crying!?
Kirito: There's just so much beauty in the world, you know!?
* scene transition*
Asuna: So dat's da sitch. Think you can scope da deets on this gat for us, homeh?
Tiffany: *dead look, speaking slowly* Sure thing, Kirito. Anything for a friend.
Asuna: Um, but I'm da one dat asked you, Chocolate Rain. T-Pain? Why you ignoring me, bro? You got cotton in your ears— OH GOD, I- I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
Kirito: I am sorry, Tiff. Grand Wizard Asuna here's not what you'd call a people person.
Asuna: Um, excuse me? Mr. Kettle? Mr. Pot just called! HE SAYS YOU'RE *pan to Tiffany* BLAAAaaaaaaa...ck.
Tiffany: What? It's a turn of phrase. Ain't got nothing to do with race.
Asuna: I'm sorry! It's just, you looked like a very angry black man.
Tiffany: Okay, now you see that? That was racist.
Kirito: What? I don't understand! What's the problem?
Asuna: Hey T-Dawg, what is up in dis hiz-ouse?
*beat, Kirito starts sobbing*
Tiffany: Are you crying!?
Kirito: There's just so much beauty in the world, you know!?
* scene transition*
Asuna: So dat's da sitch. Think you can scope da deets on this gat for us, homeh?
Tiffany: *dead look, speaking slowly* Sure thing, Kirito. Anything for a friend.
Asuna: Um, but I'm da one dat asked you, Chocolate Rain. T-Pain? Why you ignoring me, bro? You got cotton in your ears— OH GOD, I- I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
Kirito: I am sorry, Tiff. Grand Wizard Asuna here's not what you'd call a people person.
Asuna: Um, excuse me? Mr. Kettle? Mr. Pot just called! HE SAYS YOU'RE *pan to Tiffany* BLAAAaaaaaaa...ck.
Tiffany: What? It's a turn of phrase. Ain't got nothing to do with race.
Asuna: I'm sorry! It's just, you looked like a very angry black man.
Tiffany: Okay, now you see that? That was racist.
Asuna: (quietly) I think if you touch a single hair on [Kirito]'s head, I'm going to be wearing your guts like my mom's pashmina.
Sugou: ...Excuse me?
Asuna: I'm sorry, did I freaking stutter? (glares at Sugou) I said, if you hurt him, you will experience pain and torment beyond anything you could possibly imagine. Your body will be torn apart piece by piece as you beg for a mercy that will never come. I will add your screams to MY GOSH-DARN SPOTIFY, AND I WILL SEE YOUR HEAD MOUNTED ON A FUDGING PIKE!
Sugou: (trying — and failing — to play it cool) Y-you should hear how ridiculous you sound right now! Th-that profanity filter's doing you no favors...
Asuna: [Burns with the fury of a thousand suns with a demonic choir in the background]
Sugou: ...Excuse me?
Asuna: I'm sorry, did I freaking stutter? (glares at Sugou) I said, if you hurt him, you will experience pain and torment beyond anything you could possibly imagine. Your body will be torn apart piece by piece as you beg for a mercy that will never come. I will add your screams to MY GOSH-DARN SPOTIFY, AND I WILL SEE YOUR HEAD MOUNTED ON A FUDGING PIKE!
Sugou: (trying — and failing — to play it cool) Y-you should hear how ridiculous you sound right now! Th-that profanity filter's doing you no favors...
Asuna: [Burns with the fury of a thousand suns with a demonic choir in the background]
Yui Quotes
Yui: That is not at all what irony is. I believe the turn of events you just described would be best classified as completely expected.
Yulier: Wha... what are you talking about?
Yui: Irony, noun: A state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects, and is often amusing as a result. Example: Your leader is named Thinker, yet he appears to be something of a dullard.
Yulier: [gasp]
Kirito: Holy cow, Yui! That was amazing! I wish I had like a tiny mic for you to drop!
Asuna: Oh my god, that would be adorable!
Yulier: How dare you defile the good name of Thinker! He is the greatest, most intelligent man I have ever known!
Yui: Statistically speaking, that says more about you than it does about him.
Yulier: Wha... what are you talking about?
Yui: Irony, noun: A state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects, and is often amusing as a result. Example: Your leader is named Thinker, yet he appears to be something of a dullard.
Yulier: [gasp]
Kirito: Holy cow, Yui! That was amazing! I wish I had like a tiny mic for you to drop!
Asuna: Oh my god, that would be adorable!
Yulier: How dare you defile the good name of Thinker! He is the greatest, most intelligent man I have ever known!
Yui: Statistically speaking, that says more about you than it does about him.
Yui: (muffled) Evidence of what? (emerges from Kirito's pocket)
Leafa: (yelps) Uhhh, I wasn't doing anything!
Yui: Ohhhh? I think we both know that is not the case... Suguha Kirigaya.
Leafa: You're not really a pet item, are you? You're like, one of those...
Yui: Fully autonomous and sentient artificial intelligences?
Leafa: Nonono, I mean, you're like one of those robots that can talk and think and junk!
Yui: ...Huh. I sure am, sport!
Leafa: (yelps) Uhhh, I wasn't doing anything!
Yui: Ohhhh? I think we both know that is not the case... Suguha Kirigaya.
Leafa: You're not really a pet item, are you? You're like, one of those...
Yui: Fully autonomous and sentient artificial intelligences?
Leafa: Nonono, I mean, you're like one of those robots that can talk and think and junk!
Yui: ...Huh. I sure am, sport!
Kayaba Quotes
"Much like the World of Warcraft, none of you are here by choice anymore. Unlike WOW, however, you're being held here by me, not by your need to escape your empty f***ing lives."
"Alright, now that I have your ears as well as your spines, allow me to indulge myself for a moment and tell you all what every content creator has always wanted to say to their audience."
[clears throat]
[clears throat]
"FUCK! ALL Y'ALL!"
"Oh, you know how it goes; it's a tale as old as video games themselves: You've got a deadline looming for your new console's launch and your only game's not exactly playable. So you panic and work for three weeks straight without sleep so you can get the damn thing done on time. Unfortunately, in your sleep-deprived state, you accidentally manage to create a glitch that kills players when their avatars die! Next thing you know, your tutorial NPC is nowhere to be found and players are dropping like Dorito-encrusted flies! Now, in this case, any sane man would simply turn off the servers before anyone else got hurt. But because you've now been awake long enough to think the government is run by Flubar, King of the Mole Men, the best idea that comes to your mind is to double, triple, and quadruple down. So you lock everyone in the game, tell them they'll die if they don't finish it, and try to make it look like this was all part of your master plan instead of an ever-spiraling series of events that you have long since lost control of."
Ballsdeep69 / Klein Quotes
Klein: Wait, there's something scrolling across mine. Ha ha ha ha HA, ha ha ha ha HA ha, ha ha HA ha ha, ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha HA-
Kirito: I get it...
Klein: Wait wait wait wait, there's more. ........Ha.
Kirito: I get it...
Klein: Wait wait wait wait, there's more. ........Ha.
Dying ALF Soldier: Gloria, my darling...is that you?
Klein: Kiss me and I drop you.
Ballsdeep69: My name is Klein!
Tiffany / Andrew Gilbert Mills Quotes
"Hand the black guy a murder weapon, a tale as old as time."
Tiffany: But I mean...you'll at least let me have some [of the rabbit] too, right?
Kirito: Sure thing, buddy. Just drop by Asuna's place, we'll save ya a plate.
Tiffany: That's...that's not fair. That's not fair! [Kirito and Asuna leave the shop] That's! Not! Fair!
Kirito: Sure thing, buddy. Just drop by Asuna's place, we'll save ya a plate.
Tiffany: That's...that's not fair. That's not fair! [Kirito and Asuna leave the shop] That's! Not! Fair!
Laughing Coffin Quotes
Video Announcer: Boss won't get off your back? Girlfriend won't stop nagging you? Did that fuckstick Tiffany sell you a bullshit dagger that broke almost immediately despite the fact that you spent half your goddamn Col on it? Have you considered... murder?
Gary Quotes
Gary: We must save my family!
Don Fluffles Quotes
Meow.
Leafa (Suguha Kirigaya) Quotes
Suguha: Well, you would've gotten out a lot sooner if you hadn't been a 'tard and ripped your dick in hal-
Kirito: Can, can we not? Please? Sometimes? Late at night? I can still hear it... tearing...
Suguha: Oh boo-frickity-hoo. It's not like you were ever gonna make much use out of it anyway. Fuckin' virgin...
Kirito: HEY, I'll have you know I did... the sex... a bunch of times with my... online... wife. Oh god, why did I word it that way?
Suguha: Oh, yeah, got some real game there, bro! Stormin' the castle to pound one out with Princess Peach!
Kirito: Her name is Asuna, and you know she's real, I visit her every day!
Suguha: Hey, all I know is you leave the house for hours at a time, and then come home crying. You know, like bitches do.
Kirito: I have shown you pictures!
Suguha: I mean, it seems way more likely that you're just going to go jerk off in the abandoned Bennigan's! (dramatically) Staring longingly at the nameless girl on the menu... her picture may have faded with time, but you know, you know... her beauty never will. Not... in your heart!
Kirito: Unbelievable, you haven't changed a bit...
Suguha: I'm sorry, the bitch-ass nerd's gonna have to speak up, what was that?
Kirito: N-n-nothing!
Kirito: Can, can we not? Please? Sometimes? Late at night? I can still hear it... tearing...
Suguha: Oh boo-frickity-hoo. It's not like you were ever gonna make much use out of it anyway. Fuckin' virgin...
Kirito: HEY, I'll have you know I did... the sex... a bunch of times with my... online... wife. Oh god, why did I word it that way?
Suguha: Oh, yeah, got some real game there, bro! Stormin' the castle to pound one out with Princess Peach!
Kirito: Her name is Asuna, and you know she's real, I visit her every day!
Suguha: Hey, all I know is you leave the house for hours at a time, and then come home crying. You know, like bitches do.
Kirito: I have shown you pictures!
Suguha: I mean, it seems way more likely that you're just going to go jerk off in the abandoned Bennigan's! (dramatically) Staring longingly at the nameless girl on the menu... her picture may have faded with time, but you know, you know... her beauty never will. Not... in your heart!
Kirito: Unbelievable, you haven't changed a bit...
Suguha: I'm sorry, the bitch-ass nerd's gonna have to speak up, what was that?
Kirito: N-n-nothing!
"Oh no, it looks like he couldn't quite stick the landing there, folks! The judges are really gonna ream him for that one!"
Kirito: What the heck is this? Is that... Asuna?! Where was this taken?! Wait, why is she a fairy?
Suguha: (through the wall) YOU'RE a fairy! (Evil Laugh)
Kirito: Suguha, SHUT UP! I'm gonna tell mom!
Suguha: (through the wall) YOU'RE a fairy! (Evil Laugh)
Kirito: Suguha, SHUT UP! I'm gonna tell mom!
Kirito: Aww, crap, why did I come in the back door?
Suguha: (with her mouth full) Oooh, ooh, That's What She Said!
Suguha: (with her mouth full) Oooh, ooh, That's What She Said!
Leafa:I may not know exactly how to conquer that tree, and sure, everyone who's tried has met a gruesome end! But I am Princess Flippin' Leafa, and if there's one thing I do know, it's how to throw wave after wave of loyal subjects at a problem until they either figure it out for me, or their corpses stack up so high they ring Oberon's doorbell! Because that, good sir, is how a princess... do.
Kirito: ...Sooo, you wanna come with?
Leafa: You bet your sweet patootie I'm coming with! You two wouldn't last a day without me!
Kirito: ...Sooo, you wanna come with?
Leafa: You bet your sweet patootie I'm coming with! You two wouldn't last a day without me!
"Son of a horse dick-fucking shit weasel-fucking bitch whore... ASS!! What is that FUCKING cock-sampler doing in MY GAME?! Oh Jesus fuck! I said my brother had a sweet patootie! Nooooo! Noooooo! NOOOOOO!!"
Oberon (Nobuyuki Sugou) Quotes
Shouzou Yuuki:Ah, good, you're here! Allow me to introduce you to my daugther's fiancée! Kazuto, Versace. Versace, Kazuto.
Sugou: (exasperated) Ah ha ha, sir, that's not my name. That was the brand of briefcase I put all the money in.
Sugou: (exasperated) Ah ha ha, sir, that's not my name. That was the brand of briefcase I put all the money in.
"After that imbecile Kayaba deep-sixed an entire industry, no one dared even consider a future in VR. Enter stage right, the real hero of this tale, Nobuyuki Sugou... Oh, right, you still think I'm a briefcase — I'M Nobuyuki Sugou. Anyway..."
Sugou: Well, I just think it's fascinating, is all. Increase your Strength stat, and even a child could wield the mightiest weapons. Increase Dexterity, and you could move with the grace of a world-class gymnast. Increase Charisma...
Asuna: Yeah, yeah, it would let you... ohhhh. Oh no...
Sugou: By Jove, I think she's got it!
Asuna: Yeah, yeah, it would let you... ohhhh. Oh no...
Sugou: By Jove, I think she's got it!
"Listen here! I am your king! And you will not disrespect me like this! Threaten me all you want, spit on my face, stomp on my balls, but you and I both know you're powerless to stop me. Like it or not, you are going to clean up your act, we are going to have a beautiful wedding, and you are going to spend the rest of your life in blissful, mindless servitude! Now will you please help me pick out a gosh-darned china pattern!"
