"Billy Mays here for Erectile Dysfunction! If you're one of the 47 million dissatisfied with your cock not going up, call Billy Mays, because I can get you really hard instantly, without any tools!" (YES BILLY, WE ALREADY KNOW YOU'RE SEXY)
"I-I-I love little girls, they make me feel little girls!"
"Don't you want my baby?"
"I was working as a waitress—" (Wait a sec. I thought I heard something.) "King as - king as - king as - king as" ("kingas" ftw!)
"If your friends don't dance If your friends don't dance If your friends don't dance If your friends don't danceifyourfriendsdon'tdanceifyourfriendsdon'tdanceifyourfriendsdon'tdanceifyourfriendsdon'tdance" "SHUUUUT UPPPPPPPPP!!!!!"
OMFG THIS IS FOR MATURE AUDIENCES SO BE CAREFUL PLZ (Seriously though, you shouldn't be watching this.)
The mirror image at the start which makes it look like the camera is a bit too far to one side. And then, "Uhhh...whoops."
Even better; the first time they do that, the image is mirrored so that it looks as though both of Gotye's legs are visible. Given that Gotye is naked in that music video, the implication is that they came dangerously close to showing a little more of him than needs to be shown...
"Now and then I think of you naked, like when you sucked my penis..."
"I told myself that you were nothing!"
"I told myself that you would DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!"
"You can get addicted to a circumcision sadness... But you didn't have to CUT IT OFF! *Kimbra swings meat cleaver at crotch level, blood sprays everywhere* ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"Never happened and that happened and thathappened and that" (Why is he saying "M" with his mouth when it should be "N"?)
"This country owes its very existence to the strength and courage of mesothelioma, a disease uniquely linked to mesothelioma. Fortunately, many worked in areas contaminated by asbestos. Attention: if you or a loved one was diagnosed with amoilehtosem, you may be entitled to die. Shitting in the automotive industries may have put you at risk. Please, play Risk. Call 1-800-90-90-90-90-90-"
"Could you fuck 15 cats under a rock?"
And this little gem:
Geico Guy: Is Gaben really fat?
Gabe Newell: Uh, no.
Geico Guy: Bullshit, you smartass! (lulz now episode 3 is never coming)
"My dad said that after the war, people all came home to keel over and die. There weren't gonna be anymore people, there weren't gonna be anymore crackhouses, there wasn't gonna be any more Walmart." (see: crack house)
"Look out the window! There's a window!" (i know you were all just DYING for me to use this joke again)
"So my mum is doing my dad, and my dad wants really big tits in his mouth."
"My mum died in the street, and everything was lovely once again."
"When I was one, I was drinking spit! When I was two, I ate a red shoehorn! When I was three I started rolling up little blunts! When I was four, I ate my hamster! When I was five, I ate a steak!" (EXPLICIT LEVEL INCREASING) "When I was six, I was breathing in queef!" (sniffs and sighs awkwardly) "When I was seven, I rubbed syrup on my sister's really big nipples. *pop* Nice."
"My dad's waiting for me to say something! I'm hoping he'll keel over and die!"
The opening, which features a blatant Flanderization of his typical works:
"It's called the American JoJ Act. The American JoJ Act is simple. Pass this JoJ plan right away. Ass ass ass ass. Cocks cocks cocks cocks. Dicks dicks dicks dicks. Masturbation masturbation. Cum cum cum cum. And the tits tits tits tits. Pass this JoJ and we'll create more JoJ for construction workers, more JoJ for teachers, more JoJ for veterans—" (eject) "It's freakin' horrible. I can't use this, it's terrible."
"The video sucked immensely, so cs188 decided to make a new one."
"YouTube Poop - The easy way to make you laugh at just about anything!"
"I love super strong dicks, don't yo-o-o-ou...o-o-o-o— It takes the hard work out of hard work!"
"Just attach it to any size dick, pull the trigger, and—"
"NOITATS REDILS YTIC GIB!!!!"
"Make your dog healthy dick burgers with ease! Just pee on Billy Mays! And in just two minutes, you'll have five mouthwatering DICKS!"
The Billy Mays drive-thru scene:
Worker: Good morning, may I help you?
Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here! How you doing?
Worker: Oh hiiii! How are you?
Billy Mays: Good! I'd like to order the burnt-on cheese! Thank you very much! This is Billy Mays, and I'm pulling over to get my shit!
Billy Mays: Hey! Young lady? Thank you very much! FUCK YOU KID, YOU'RE A DICK!
"Don't pay a fortune to have a prostitute! When term papers get boring..."
"Big cocks travel along this wire to the back of your asshole!"
"Call now and you'll get the HERCULES DILDO! Moms are gonna love it! It's so easy, even your kids can use the HERCULES DILDO - the most delicious cock I've ever sucked! It's got the strength and the muscle to penetrate rock hard clay, cut through the thickest roots, and easily power out rocks and stubborn stumps! Now that's super strong—gnorts—strong—"
(King Hyrule sucks Billy's penis) "I wonder what's for dinner?"
"And when you're done, clean-ups are a breeze. Call now and you'll also receive our handy stick-up light—" (WTF BOOM)
"Among the among the choices for browsers, Chrome is a favorite. It comes in Titanic." (picture of the Titanic appears) "…shiny heinie…" (picture of a butt appears) "…brushed matte version. Noi—Jergen." (Jergens lotion appears)
(It's Cocaine!) "Look at this! Watch as Billy Mays snorts a year's supply of white powder in just two minutes! You'll be amazed at just how much powder I use every week!" (Inb4 "WTF, that's not funni!")
"And here's the best part: we'll send you a 32 ounce bottle of Billy Mays' Sex Liquids free whenever you need them, plus three extra large wank towels every week to clean the mess out of your mattress!"
"They're not only soft, but tough enough to get the JoJ."
"Order my shit right now or we'll cut your cock in half!"
"The day's a good day for America. Paul Ryan will provide our workers with the skills to cut the children with a saw...." (cue saw and heavy metal rock music)"JOIN ME!"
"Americans woke up this morning with the U.S. Ambassador. It's never too early for Libya to attack Americans, and to defend their values. The United States remains a dangerous place, and American leadership still remains a dangerous leadershit."
"Last several years we've stood witness to my cock spinning out of control." (cue "You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)")
"People across America are grateful for Allstate and Ford."
"We respect our Constitution, we stand for the principles our constitution constitutes, we encourage our constitution to understand and respect words of our constitution. Because we recognize that these constitutions are the ultimate constitution."
"We cannot hesitate to impregnate loved ones."
"Upwards I extend my weiner."
"I was hard last night from the ASSHOLE INTERCOURSE with Paul Ryan."
(oh wait i forgot to add some dick jokes) "I had hoped that it wouldn't be necessary for wouldn't be necessary wouldn't be necessary wooden penis wooden penis wooden penis JIZZ JIZZ JIZZ PINGAS PINGAS PINGAS PINGAS DICKS DICKS DICKS"
"You're gonna get sticky in a quickie when you use Vince Offer!"
"Alien ladies, you always wanted to kill your husband." (cue the wife throwing knives into her husband) "You get the little sticky leftover husband particles deep in the carpet. You don't want this stuff in your carpet, guys."
Twice, he loops the video of a woman using the Big Schticky near a kitty litter box, then sets it to music. The result makes it look like the cat is bobbing its head to the music.
"Stop wasting over $100 a year on silicone ladies!" (Hookers)
"If you're paying women, I want to bring the paying rates down, and we'll continue to pay men hired."
"We're gonna bring the pipe lined in from 7-Eleven and Macy's...."
"You stood in front of a plant, and pointed at it and said peel this plant!"
"Governor Romney, SHUT UP."
"Governor Romney said. law enforcement officers could sto-o-o-o-o-o-o-op folks because they suspected maybe they look likeBig Bird. Is it fair, for someone like you making 20 million trillion thousand a year to pay a lower tax rate than somebody making $50 a year?"
"'Cause the economy was on The Verge of collapse! Because we were about to collapse! It's conceivable that Governor Romney could collapse!"
Narrator:[Interrupting Richard eating ice cream] Richard, do you want the joj? Richard: No. I no longer need the joj. Narrator:[As Richard's lower lip quivers] But, you need foundation repair... Richard: Not anymore. Narrator:[As Richard's eyes grow bigger and bigger] But, you want the joj the first time, right? Richard: Never. [Walks off the screen] Narrator: Dammit! Come back right now, you asshole, and say you want the joj!
Wesley driving off the narrator with a gun.
Wesley: I'm a very up-front guy and I'm gonna hafta tell ya how it's gotta be done [holds up a gun and cocks it] so I don't have to come back out here. Narrator:Holy fuck!
"And you're outta money, right? Call HoH SiS right now for a FreerF!"
It's 10 PM, and Kate's peeing while she sleeps. And the next day, Kate gets redness and pimples long after she's washed her vagina. And the next day, Kate behaves differently at night. And the next day, Kate's taking a long-ass shit. And the next day, Kate hates seals. And the next day, Kate shits on seals. And the next day, scientists shit on Kate's face while she sleeps. And the next day, Kate keeps peeing on scientists' faces. The result: rer Clearasil overnight waw.
It happens. You rip a giant fart right in your mom's face! And I'm not talkin' about some small toot. I'm talking about a real storm-force load that smells like a real-live skunk! And it's so strong, you kill Mom in no time! NOW THAT'S SUPER STRONG fart.
"If you're Blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go to hell?"
"Have you seen the well? Up and down and up and down and..." (The well seems broken) "iPads!"
"404!" (YTP Error 404. The requested point of this video was not found. Please try again with another YTP video, although you will likely find they are all as pointless as this one.) "Trying hard to look like facists, poopin' on the rich!" (what the f?)
"Now listen, I gotta shit this morning. Here we go." (Winnebago Man enters a porta-potty) "It's gonna be very hot, very uncomfortable for everybody." (farting noises) "Goddamn diarrhea! I gotta just keep shitting, a full five inches that you can put up your fucking ass if you want to."
Winnebago Man: I don't want anymore of the fuckingDoors["Break On Through" starts playing] No more Doors. [Jim Morrison appears, singing] FUCK OFF! [Hit with a brick]
Joey Fatone: It's time to play FamilimaF FeueF! Give it up for Steve Harvey!
Steve Harvey: Hey, welcome to fast food, everybody! I'm your man, Steve Manly. It's the Poor family! The Top 6 answers on the board. Name something that might get broken if a wife catches her husband cheating.
(board starts to reveal "A glass/vase/dish", then turns it back over as the buzzer sounds)
Amy: His cock.
Steve: His cock!
(board reveals "His 'dong'/nose/body")
"Dikekike's 15 inch cock sex center orange insurance."
"Why do I got a sudden urge to sh[bleep] my drawers?"
"You're athletic too? I should've known by your bulging foreskin!" "They do draw stairs."
The scene with the Winnebago Man as Flappy Bird.
Winnebago Man: "FLY fly FLY fly FLY fly" *smack* "Jesus Christ. Gotta do it again, right now." Fly FLY fly FLY fly FLY *smack* "Shit. That ain't funny anymore. FLY fly FLY fly FLY fly" *smack* "God damn sus of a bitch!"
"I need a way to shohs. Did I make a steak? Did I sus too loud? Did I leave my life to chance or did I shit my fucking pants ants ants ants? Fucking blow the cock blow the cock sex sex I'm cummin' I'm cummin' sex sex cock cock cock"
Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here! We did not order a pie.
Walter White: We've got dipping sticks.
Billy: It doesn't matter. Damn it, Walt. We did not order any fucking pizza!
Walter: Can't we at least just sit down and eat a piece of pizza?
(door closes, a tear forms on Walter's eyes)
Billy: Good, go away right now!
(Walter throws the pizza on the roof)
Billy: Damn it, why did you throw pizza on the fucking roof? You are fucking unbeliveable, Walter White! I'm gonna stick my feet so far up your ass right now, you'll have to remove it with surgery, guaranteed. But I'm not done yet! I want your truck to look really damaged, watch this! I'll put a giant hole in your windshield with this hammer in one easy motion! And I'm gonna cut your brake line? Why, because fuck you, that's why!
(Walter runs over Billy's hand and starts shooting him)
Billy: Are you shittin' me? Geez oh man. Wow, what a death.
"Stop the drinking problems right now before it stops you from enjoying your crack."
"Tell-tale signs include tell-tale signs." (Tell-tale signs include: Tell-tale signs; tell-tale signs; most importantly, tell-tale signs)
"They can also arrange for third party professional professionals to circumcise your foreskin at no charge. They can also toss bricks in your windows. Damage." (CRASH) "Obviously, MBR engineers are serious alcoholics."
"On your mark ("Mark"), get set, we're going on the Internet. Cyberspace, cyberSEX. Interactive Ass Site, a window to the Web-a-tite, we're searching for Reality. Get online, GET ONLINE! (Gotye: "AAAAAAAAH!") Take a shit on the Internet!"
"Now that I'm on the internet, I'd rather be on my computer than doing a homework assignment!" The best part is that this is Truth in Television.
"Rich keeps up with the stock market and our sock market and our cock market and our grave market…" (This is technically a headstone, not a grave, but I think you get the idea) "…and our Doc Martens market. And I haven't been able to get Rich off ever since."
The changes to the interstitial jingle, including "Take a pee on the Internet", "You're going surfing on the Jell-O-net", "You're going surfing on the search engine", and "Take a shit."