Funny: Bob's Burgers

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    Season One 

Human Flesh
  • Bob is just not good with dates.
    Bob: Today's your birthday?
    Linda: *pan out to her holding balloons* Yes, Bob!
    Bob: *wearing tinted glasses* Today's my birthday?
    Linda: *pan out to Bob holding balloons* Yes, Bob!
    Bob: Your due date was today?
    Linda: *pan out to Linda and Bob wearing hospital gowns with Linda holding a baby* Yes, Bob!
    Bob: did it go?
    Linda: How do you think?! went very well.
    Bob: Boy or girl?
  • Bob explains to Gene that heavy children don't get molested. Also, the health inspector claiming that the restaurant will be shut down if their burgers show more than the 4 percent of human flesh allowed by the FDA.
  • The kids are stuck at the top of the Ferris wheel while their parents make out below them.

Crawl Space
  • Gene playing the sounds of his grandparents having sex for his report on prohibition.
    • What sells it is the happy look on his face, even while being told to go to the Principal's office immediately.
  • Bob tells Linda she nags like her mother. Linda denies it while she herself is nagging.
    Bob: (In the wall) What was that, Nag-atha Christie?
  • Tina's dream of having a threesome with zombies devolves when she starts imagining they sound like her grandparents.
  • Bob's The Shining inspired delusions.
  • Grandpa's Maxim magazine.
  • Bob turning Louise's nightlight buddy into a Companion Cube due to his increasing isolation-induced madness. At the end of the episode, although free from the wall, Bob refuses to give it back to Louise.

Sacred Cow
  • Bob sneaking the cow into the apartment in the middle of the night, and then telling Linda she "won't even notice it's there". The cow then promptly urinates on the rug.
  • Bob pointing out that beef is made from steers, not cows, and that the "cow" the filmmakers brought is in fact male. And that they didn't milk it, no matter what they think.
  • Bob discovering that cattle can't walk down stairs.
  • The film crew and the Belchers finding out who kidnapped the cow: an elderly couple who make their intentions clear while doing an Evil Laugh on camera. Both groups are disturbed.
    • The irony that the film crew didn't want to make the couple's life miserable since they ran a made-up cheap zoo with clearly abused animals and still want to make a big deal out of Bob trying to supposedly kill the cow for the 1,000th burger.
  • Bob's attempts to keep the cow safe, culminating with the cow barely being run over by a police car. The car manages to stop in time but the cow gets a heart attack out of it and dies.
  • Bob's dream of making out with a cow.

Sexy Dance Fighting
  • Louise gets the Capoeira teacher to come cheer up Tina after the bowel incident and tells Bob "You're welcome". Then she puts a knife in his hand and says "You're still welcome".
    • In the same episode, Louise tells Bob she is going to try and get Tina to come back. She proceeds to shout that Tina is dead to her and should never come back.
      Bob: Thanks.
  • Linda refers to Tina's Capoeira demonstration as a "Karate concert".

Hamburger Dinner Theatre
  • Linda refusing Bob sex, in song.

Sheesh! Cab, Bob
  • Gene's Internet Adventure.
    Bob: Guess who learned a lot about transvestites last night?
    Gene: I was only on that website for like two seconds!
    Bob: What? No, I was talking about me. I picked up a group of transvestite hookers who showed me a side of this town I never knew existed. And Gene, you're banned from the computer for two days.
    Gene: After what I saw, I'm fine with that.
  • Bob might have been a pimp.
    Louise: You're gonna need a bigger hat.
  • Bob on crack. The whole scene is just Bob stumbling around the kitchen as walking Mood Whiplash, and it's fantastic.
  • Linda's less upset about the fact that Bob tried crack and more upset that he did it without her.
  • Bob shaving off the 'stache.
    Linda: Awww, Bob, you made yourself ugly to save Tina's party!

Bed and Breakfast
  • When Linda turns the house into a bed and breakfast, the entire family has to share a bed. Tina welcomes Louise to the bed, saying, "This is where I thrash", and proceeds to do so. Apparently she spends every night flopping in place like a fish.
  • Gene's pretty sure he knows who wrote The Chronicles of Narnia:
  • Teddy beating up the Fuzzy Buddies that Louise summoned on him to flush him out of her room.

Art Crawl
  • Pretty much the whole thing, but notable moments include:
    • Linda's dream sequence. Complete with music.
    • Bob forcing Edith and Harold out of the restaurant with the pictures of anuses.
    • Louise trying to cut Gene's ear off a la Van Gogh so he could be a better artist. What really sells it is how enthusiastic Gene is about it.
      Louise: If you're going artsy, then you're going all the way. Someone's cutting off an ear.
      Tina: I need both of mine. I wear glasses.
      Louise (to Gene): Welp, what's your excuse?
      Gene: Don't got one. Have at it!
    • Bob. Just Bob. He seemed like a demented madman in this episode, especially the Big "OMG!" and his "Anus!" chant.
    • "And I can only paint THE TRUTH! The robots are coming!"
    • Tina painting Dr. Yap in the nude. She took some artistic license.
    • Louise and Harold's shouting match.
    • Edith refusing to let Harold drink water from Bob's even though he's choking.
    • "Bob, you are in direct violation of my wife."
    • Gale's flashback depicting how she got her inspiration for the anus paintings, complete with Celine Dion-esque music as she looks at a gopher's anus.

Spaghetti Western and Meatballs
  • After performing a skit about talking things out rather than using violence, Tina tells her costar that if she ever really gossiped about her...
    Tina: I will punch you...and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again...
  • Tina attacking the other girl in "Spaghetti Western with Meatballs" for gossiping about her.
    Tina: I warned you, skank!
  • Frond uses his ABS: It makes me feel... like pinching the eye!
  • BANJO! He's strummin' for you...
  • Gene attempting to deal with a school enemy (a kid Gene is angry at for stealing his punchlines), by imitating the western movie Banjo.

Burger Wars

Weekend At Mort's

  • Bob getting drunk at Jimmy Pesto's and falling asleep in a casket in Mort's funeral home. When the kids hear him snoring, they think he's a zombie and try to incinerate it in the crematorium.
    Louise: It's trying to sweet talk us!
    Tina: That's classic zombie.
  • Bob constantly referring to Mort's date as "lady mortician"

  • Gene reading Tina's "mating list" after Linda tells them that they might have to repopulate the Earth.
    Gene: Gay, gay, mythical creature... gay mythical creature...


    Season Two 

The Belchies
  • Gene, as he licks the old machinery in the taffy factory: "I can taste The Korean War!"
  • "Ironic detachment is great, nothing means anything!"
  • Taff. Just, just Taff. There's nothing more heartwarming than a young girl bonding with a man made out of taffy with a disturbing face.
  • "If boys had uteruses they'd be called 'duderuses'."
  • "I'd like to thank this brick and ?uestlove."
  • Linda calling Bob's penis "Girl".
    Bob: Wait, wha, why is it a girl?
    Linda: Because it's a pretty brunette, like Catherine Zeta-Jones.
  • Taff sticking to Bob's erection.
  • Linda saying she's gonna sleep like a baby. A horny baby.

Bob Day Afternoon

Synchronized Swimming
  • The entire last sequence from "Synchronized Swimming," but especially Louise's attempts to get out of the titular demonstration... culminating in Louise making a "doody" in the water.
    Bob: You did a Caddyshack? Nice move.
    Louise: What's a "Caddyshack?"
    • And to top it off, Louise named it Jezebel.
      Linda: Aw, my little grandoodie.

  • Bob's painkiller freak-out while playing "Burgerboss".
  • Gene's line, "That's the song I want to lose it to!" (in reference to the "Burgerboss" video game music).
  • Bob's blatant disinterest in Darryl's bullying problems
  • Bob high. Full stop.
  • When the kids attend a birthday party uninvited.
    Mother: Uh, how do you know Kevin again?
    Louise: Church.
    Tina: Soccer.
    Gene: Desert Storm.
  • Bob and Jimmy Pesto hosing down their sidewalks turns into a makeshift "pissing contest".
    • Linda refering to said pissing contests as "peeing races".
  • Linda and her porcelain babies.

Food Truckin'
  • This exchange:
    Tina: I don't want to die a virgin!
    Randy: Me neither!
    Tina: Wait, that gives me an idea...
    Bob: No! No!
  • The Oil Spill song. Its really about her vagina. She's not very subtle.
    "Oh, it's hot and wet and slick, and it's makin' everybody sick!
    Oil spill! Oil spiiiiiill!
    It's on my fish, and it's on my crabs! It's oh so close, but you can't grab!
    Oil spill! Oil spiiiiiill!"
  • The spot-on skewering of hipster culture when Tina goes to give out burgers to concertgoers.
    Hipster 1: Nice glasses.
    Tina: Thanks. I need them to see.
    Hipster 1: Ha! Is this organic?
    Tina: Sure.
    Hipster 2: Is it grass-fed?
    Tina: Yes.
    Hipster 3: Cruelty-free?
    Tina: Yep.
    Hipster 4: Is it bison?!
    Tina: That one is...
    Hipster 5: Do these pair well with an IPA?
    Tina: It goes well with all letters. IPA, CSI, PTA, IRS, HMO, OMG...
  • This exchange:
    Gene: It's not a lie if you lie to vegetarians! You taught us that!
    Bob: I...I did teach you that...
Dr. Yap
  • "Dr. Yap" in its entirety, but highlights include:
    • Gene and Lousie's war over the jawbreaker
      • "Rubby rub ear ear!
      • Hug of War "I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!"
    • Dr. Yap: [In an autotune voice] Children lead to intercourse.
    • Everything involving The Prince of Persuasia, especially his list of tips over the credits, with highlights including "Push her in a lake!", "Be the tallest guy in the room and brag about how long your buttcrack is" and "Never make her pancakes. Make her make you pancakes, in the middle of the night!"
      • Dr. Yap putting the "Trap your princess" step from the initial three step program into action.
    • The entire sequence of Doctor Yap torturing Bob by pulling his tooth out with no anesthesia out of jealousy, mostly Bob's panic and confusion.
      Bob [To Doctor Yap] Why did you just kiss me?
  • "Let's all kiss our sisters!"

Moody Foodie

Bad Tina
  • "Bad Tina" ends in Tina telling "an erotic friend fiction story" to the school, about how butt-touching was banned and that she managed to revoke it by going around touching people's butts, and then they start touching each other's butts.
    • This is followed by her new friend-turned-enemy Tammy trying to make fun of Tina, until Tammy farts and Louise turns it around. And then Tammy can't stop farting as everyone laughs at her. She runs out of the cafeteria crying and farting, and some of them hurt.
  • The Pesto twins finding tampons in their lunch. Gene and Louise switched their bags with Tammy.
    Andy: Cool, Mom packed tampons for lunch.
    Ollie: Ooh, share!
    • They also call Tina and Tammy "bathroom clowns" after Tina gets a makeover.

  • In a flashblack, Gene teaches a kid to dance
    Gene: What kind of god would give you those legs AND NO RHYTHM!
  • The three times Gene declared, "THIS IS ME NOW!" (as a cowboy, as a David Bowie-style glam rocker, and a Buddhist).
  • When Bob takes the kids to the TV station, anchorwoman Pam and Louise have this exchange:
    Pam: And what do we have here? Are you a little bunny?
    Louise: [Sniffs] I smell fear on you.
    Pam: I don't like this one.
  • Linda's failed attempts at stopping the broadcast by "swearing". And when that fails, she just flashes the camera. "A-boobity-boobity-boobity-boo!"

    Season Three 

Ear-sy Rider
  • When Louise sees Mudflap open a beer bottle with her boobs:
    Louise: Now I want them.
  • Louise's screaming at Logan at the shoe shop he goes. There are three female clerks talking to him, and one of the shoes Louise tosses is avoided by Logan, but it hits a clerk in the face and knocks her down in the background. This is all pretty silent as she keeps screaming to Logan.
  • When Mudflap is giving birth, Linda has a conversation with Logan's mother about painful child birth.
    *Linda points at Tina and Louise*
    Linda: These two? Piece of cake.
    * Linda points at Gene*
    Linda: That one? The whole cake.
  • "It was spring. I know because the azaleas were in bloom. The azaleas are beautiful in Macon. Second only to their crank, that sweet Macon crank."
  • Louise's Laughing Mad turns into a Failed Attempt at Drama moment when she thinks her bunny ears were destroyed.
    Louise: REVENGE!!!!
    Dump guy: Is this it?
    Louise: No.
    Dump guy: Are these it?
    Louise: It's pink with ears. Its a hat.
  • The Belcher kids talk about cooking meth.
  • Critter explaining how he got his badges.

Full Bars
  • "Run! It's Helen Hunt!" Gene when the HELL Hunt shows up.

Bob Fires the Kids
  • A couple send back a box of Bob's toys. They thought it was vibrators.
    Tina: If you think about it, any box could contain vibrators.
  • Mickey the Bank Robber's calypso singing as he's digging a hole to the bank.
  • Mickey thinking that double jeopardy protects him from getting arrested for robbing the same bank twice.
  • A fairy queen pooping under a tree.
  • Bob literally pushing the kids out of the shop and trying to make them have fun.
  • Bob mistakes a groaning refrigerator for Tina.
    • "I wonder what Gene's doing. Probably farting."

Mutiny on the Windbreaker
  • Linda, Tina and Gene imagining getting drawn in the nude, while Louise imagines herself laughing at the cruise ship as it sinks.
  • Louise getting insanely long, Flo-Jo-style finger- and toenails.

An Indecent Thanksgiving Proposal
  • Bob's My Neighbor Totoro inspired dream while under the influence of absinthe.
  • Mr Fishowder rewarding the kids for the most convincing performances pretending to be his children with arcade tickets. Unsurprisingly, Louise knocks it out of the park.
    Louise: The only prize we need is your love, father.
    • Tina, on the other hand, not so much.
      Tina: Hey dad, remember when we did that thing that was fun and memorable?
  • Bobs hilariously overenthusiastic selection process for picking out a turkey for dinner, including holding it aloft yelling "YOU ARE THE ONE!!!"
    Gene: That turkey is our mom now.
  • Linda's stilted attempts at acting as Fishowders wife.
    Mr Fishowder: This is my lovely wife, Linda.
    Linda: AND I'M LINDA!

The Deepening
  • Bob's attempts at stopping the shark make it stronger.
    Bob: Okay, we made the shark faster/okay, we gave the shark spikes/OKAY, NOW THE SHARK IS ELECTRIFIED!!
  • Bob, Teddy and Mort making their bellies talk when they're supposed to be stopping the shark.
  • Teddy gets swallowed by the shark yet he has time to talk about "The Deepening's" original ending.
    The shark was supposed to die of cancer but it tested bad. It didn't have enough "pow".
  • Bob literally grasping at straws.
  • The close up of the shark's eye after its stopped.
    Louise: I've had dreams like this.
  • Tina's empathy for the shark in "The Deepening" results in a lot of great moments, but this is perhaps the best one:
    Tina: It's confused, it doesn't know why we want to kill it. It just wants to go home.
    Bob: Tina, it's just a machine. It's dumber than our toaster.
    Tina: Our toaster is also confused. It doesn't know why we put bagels in it.
  • Bob finally killing the shark by jamming its internal mechanics with soft serve ice cream.
  • Bob finding out that The Deepening was a bit more fanservicy than he remembered.
    Bob: Jeez, this movie is like, 90% nude carwash.

Tina-Rannosaurus Wrecks
  • Of particular note is the opening scene where Tina, driving for the first time, manages to be so scared out of her wits that she rams the only car on the lot, with Bob shitting bricks the entire time. Essentially, there are few characters on TV that are as funny when they're uncomfortable/awkward as Tina.
    • "Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
  • "Can you believe he was poisoned with a shovel?"
  • Linda's "Diarrhea" song. Can be seen here though a better quality fuller length version would be nice.
  • Any time Tina freaks out and goes "Ah! Ah! Ah!..."
  • Helljail
    Tina: What's for lunch today?
    Lunchlady: Your LIES!
  • Bobs reaction to the insurance agent trying to get them into his insurance fraud scheme.
    Bob: You are the worst insurance agent.
  • The agent playing along when Bob and Linda fakes the kids dying in a flooding accident, only to reveal he knew the whole time.
    Agent: Bob, you're a terrible actor. You closed the door, you didn't even try to revive your kids.

The Unbearable Like-Likeness Of Gene
  • The break up practice scene that culminates in all of the children screaming.
  • Tina and Louise screaming while they run down the school hallway, trying to stop Courtney Wheeler from proclaiming her crush on Gene.
    • What's important to note about that scene is that it's one of the few times Tina and Louise have ever been on the same page about something.
  • The "congenital" conversation.
  • Tina's flashback to hearing Courtney talking on the phone in the school bathroom and getting confused about whether Courtney was talking to her.
  • Linda chewing on Tina's hair.
  • The Grease parody montage.
  • Tina and Louise (and later Bob as well) inhaling helium throughout the later part of the episode.
  • The prominence of Lenny DeStephano in the episode.
  • The fact that David Wain AKA The Warden is the girl that falls for Gene makes the whole episode that much funnier.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentle-Mannequins
  • Tina, sympathizing with a guy who thinks he used to be a mannequin.
    Tina: So one day you woke up and discovered you were anatomically correct? I just went through that

Mother Daughter Laser Razor
  • The flashback of Linda changing baby Louise and trying get her to say "Mama". Being this is Louise, you can guess how it goes.
  • The guy running the Mom/Daughter class locking Louise and her teenage nemesis in the Womb Room, which has Freaky Friday playing on a loop.

Nude Beach

Broadcast Wagstaff School News
  • Gene realizes he's gonna grow up to look like Bob, so he embraces it and spends the rest of the episode doing a dead on impression of his dad.

My Fuzzy Valentine
  • "You're the worst storyteller! Where's Maya Angelou when you need him?"

Lindapendent Woman

O.T.: The Outside Toilet
  • The fact that Jon Hamm still sounds smoldering as a electronic toilet is hilarious within itself.
  • The kids succeed in getting the toilet to repeat things back to them, but when Tina tries to get the toilet to say it loves her, it simply responds "No."
  • When Gene tells the toilet goodbye by saying "I love you", the toilet registers it as "vomit", causing Gene repeat "I love you" in a frustrated manner.
  • When Max Flush gives the kids the "I'm watching you" gesture, Gene screams thinking he wants to switch eyes with him.

  • Linda unveiling the Spice Rack. She was at her hammiest.

Two For Tina

It Snakes a Village
  • Linda's reaction to finding out that her parents are staying in a swinger's community
    Bob: Linda, your parents are adults, it's none of our business. I'm telling everyone when we get home.
  • When the family is leaving:
    Louise: Can we come back when they're not cleaning the pool?
    Bob: No.
    Linda: Absolutely not.
    Bob: Never.
    Linda: Not a chance in hell.

Family Fracas
  • Louise's "pleeeease" going from precocious to demanding.
  • Tina's competitive side manifests
    Tina: Your ass is grass and I'm gonna mow it.
    Jimmy Jr.: Leave. Me. ALONE!
  • Quack quack.

The Kids Run the Restaurant
  • "The Belcher kids are running the restaurant because this time, It's Personal!"
  • The whole girl group subplot. Coupled with Gene's surprise that one of his singers actually has talent.
  • Fischoeder's calm reaction to being sprayed by Bob's wound:
    Fischoeder: Could you point that in another direction?

Boyz 4 Now
  • Louise losing her mind over having a crush.
  • Louise tries to get backstage by pretending she's Brenda from The Closer.
  • When they arrive at the concert hall:
    Louise: [confused at the screaming Boyz 4 Now fangirls] THEY'RE JUST BOYS!
    Random Girl: Boys?! WHERE?! [throws up]

Carpe Museum
  • Gene had no idea there's such a thing as a boob fetish.
  • Regular-sized Rudy rather suffer from his asthma attack than have Bob give him CPR.
    Bob: Uh, CPR. I know how to give CPR.
    Rudy: No, thank you.
    Bob: Uh, wh-why don't I just try it? And if you hate it, I'll stop.
    Rudy: No!
    Bob: Yeah, okay, you're right.
  • Linda joins in with the workers on strike outside of the museum. Eventually she goes off on a tangent and the rather...strange chants she comes up with have NOTHING to do with what they are protesting about.
    Protester: No, I don't want to drop my pants.
    Linda: [disappointed] Whhyy?

The Unnatural
  • Tina becomes addicted to espresso... and it quickly goes downhill from there.
    Tina: I think I can hear my hair growing. Especially the bangs. Hey, maybe that's why they call them bangs. Hey, keep it down.
    • Followed by her withdrawal when the machine goes missing. She snaps at Jimmy Jr.:
      Jimmy Jr.: I have a speech impediment.
      Tina: Well fix it!
    • And later smashes Linda's porcelain babies with a napkin dispenser with no hesitation to get her to admit what she did with the espresso machine.
    • The episode ends with Tina drinking coffee straight out of the pot in the Sand Flea's lobby, even though the owner tells her it's a week old and he puts his cigarettes out in it. She does two spit takes and goes back to drinking it.

    Season Four 

A River Runs Through Bob
  • Tina's "Thunder Girl" song, thanks to her inability to stay on-key and reach high notes without her voice cracking. The dance routine helps too.
  • Bob getting diarrhea from the fish he caught, and is forced to spend the whole hike constantly darting off into the woods.

Fort Night
  • Louise's delusional/psychotic would-be best friend Millie, who spends the whole episode dressed in a bunny suit and tormenting Louise and the other kids when Louise finally snaps at her.
  • One of the Pesto Twins thinking the other has died.
  • Bob and Linda trick-or-treating in the crappy dragon costume they made for the kids.
  • The "Candy Randy" song.
  • The kids tricking Millie into thinking she killed them. She's more worried about getting a therapist and if she'll like said therapist because of what she did.

  • 'Looks like Curt's trying to land with his penis again.'

My Big Fat Greek Bob
  • When Bob meets Hefty Jeff, the fraternity historian.
    Hefty Jeff: Ask me anything about the history of this frat.
    Bob: Uh, okay. When was it founded?
    Hefty Jeff: Crap. Ask me something else.
  • Linda kicking out the kids from Gretchen's "lady goods" party when she finds out that the goods are actually vibrators.
    Gene: I want a magic vibrating club, just like any other boy!
  • Bob's reaction to Beta house's prank of putting a dead fish in the air conditioner of Alpha house.
    Bob: That's a good prank... kinda... no it's not.
  • When the Dean Dixon puts Beta house under probation for the pranks they did:
    Turd: What about Dean Dixon's letter? Shouldn't we lay low?
    Pud: Turd's got a point.
    Turd: Thank you.
    Pud: I'm one semester away from graduating.
    Bob: Oh, Pud. There are no jobs out there. You know that, right?
  • When Bob and the kids confront Dr. Yap about stealing Beta.
    Gene: (holds Beta by the tail) Recognize this iguana?
    (Beta's body snaps off from his tail)
    Gene: Oh!
    Bob: Aah!
    Dr. Yap: (Gasp)
    Gene: Recognize this iguana tail?
    Tina: (wearing one of the frat boy's underwear outside her skirt) Or these briefs? Just curious they're mine now.
  • After Dr. Yap sucker punches Bob and runs away.
    Bob: We're definitely switching dentists.
    Tina: No!
    Dr. Yap: You're never get a better family dentist who's in your provider network. (laughs evilly)
  • Dean Dixon's joke before his introduction.
    Dean Dixon: Hello, I'm Dean Dixon. And you're all expelled! Just kidding. (beat) Except for you, you're expelled. Just kidding.
  • Bob trying to stop the Beta house prank:
    Dean Dixon: Now I would like to introduce a truly outstanding young man...
    Bob: Me! Hello. I am the honorary's twin brother. Not identical twins, obviously. But I'm 20-years-old.
    Dean Dixon: Excuse? Um...
    Bob: It's okay, Dean, thanks. Have a seat. (to the audiences) You know what I like about my brother? He's nice, he... he wouldn't hurt a fly, must less, I don't know. I'm just naming animals here, (to Beta house under the stage) an iguana...
    Louise: (Tries to stop Bob from stopping the prank) No!
    Bob: Please have her removed. (back to the audiences) I want everyone in the room to know, (to Beta house) even people who might be under the stage right now, that the Alpha president would not hurt or kidnap an iguana, right?
    Dr. Yap: Maybe he would!
    Bob: No he wouldn't! Those are the kind of things our crazy oldest brother would do though. You know, (to Beta house) our crazy Asian dentist older brother would do. I'd point him out but I have a slow hand. (to Beta house) A slow hand.
    Gene: Dad should leave the jokes to Dean Dixon.
    Tina: Haha! Hahaha! Come on, help dad out.
    Pud: Are you talking to us?
    Bob: Don't set off the spit keg.
    Pud: Um, let's go out and ask him what he means.
    (Beta house crawls out from under the stage)
    Hefty Jeff: (to the audiences) Hi. How are you?
    Dean Dixon: Excuse, who are these young man. I probably should have come to rehearsal.
  • Bob inviting Beta house to his restaurant to eat (after forgetting to feed them) at the same time Linda and Gretchen are having their "ladies goods" party that's full of cougars (one's a "cougar-doodle" that's known to be smart) and they all start dancing while waving vibrators.
    (A cougar-doodle persuading Hefty Jeff to dance with her by purring and barking like a dog)
    Hefty Jeff: What is... what is happening right now? What is this?
    Turd: Go for it, man!
    Hefty Jeff: (being dragged away) I don't know what to do from here.

Turkey in a Can
  • Everyone accusing Louise for putting the turkey in the toilet.
    Bob: Okay, so really! No one is gonna confess? Louise?
    Louise: It wasn't me.
    Linda: Louise?
    Louise: It wasn't!
    Bob: Fine! So no one, including Louise, wants to admit they did this? I'm giving you guys one more chance to confess, and then I'm grounding everyone, including your mom and Gayle!
    Linda: Bobby!
    Gayle: No, it's fine with me. I don't have any plans.
    Linda: Bobby it wasn't us. It was Louise, come on. Or, uh, maybe Gene.
    Gene: (gasps) How dare you! I put food in the toilet the way God intended. It had to be Louise.
    Louise: Unbelievable. Does everyone think I did this?
    (Everybody admits that they think it's Louise)
    Louise: Then I must be guilty. That's how it works, right!
    Gene: Yep. Perfect system.
    Bob: Well I have to go get another turkey...But I'm not forgetting this. I will figure out who did this. Even though I'm pretty sure we all still think it was Louise.
    Louise: Make sure you save room for Thanksgiving for the words you'll be eating!
  • Louise making a chart of the people who could have put the turkey in the toilet. She took pictures of them by surprise, like when Gene was eating a sandwich and Linda coming out from the showers.
    Louise: Dad, if I may, I taken the liberty of drawing up a little chart here. Let's review our suspects: Tina. She stand at nothing for some grown up stuff. Did her table envy drive her over the edge?
    Tina: No.
    Louise: Gene. He thinks there's only room for one bird at this table. A songbird!
    Gene: (gasps) Do-Re-Me?!
    Louise: Or was is Gayle? Dad went after her cats, she went after his turkey. Classic revenge tale.
    Gayle: Classic.
    Louise: Or maybe. Or maybe Linda. Oh, sweet Linda. A lost, suffering wife stuck in a bad marriage.
    Linda: Aw, poor thing.
    Bob: Lin!
    Linda: What? I got caught up in the story, she's good.
    Louise: And that leaves Louise. Who had no motive at all. Thank you, the end. Thank you.
    Tina: (claps, trying to act like an adult) What an imagination on this one, huh. Kids, hmm.
    Bob: So do you know who did this?
    Louise: Oh, no. Uh uh.
    Bob: Then what's the point of all this?
    Louise: Hold on, I just had an idea. (walks up to Gayle and then grabs and shakes her) Was it you Gayle, huh, confess?! Damn it, Gayle!
    Gayle: (screams)
    Louise: (turns to Tina and grabs and shakes her) Or you?! Confess you're guilty as hell!
    Tina: Uh...
    Bob: Louise.
    Louise: What?
    Bob: Stop.
    Louise: Why?
    Bob: This isn't working.
  • When the turkey is put in the toilet a second, Gayle accuses herself of doing because she didn't want to feel left out. Gayle then accuses Linda because she's untrustworthy due to an incident where Linda changed the channel when she left the room.
  • When Louise thinks she figures out who put the turkey in the toilet:
    Louise: At first I wondered, who could be mad enough at dad to do such a thing. I mean sure, no one likes him.
    Bob: Louise.
    Louise: And he smells. But then I realized that I was looking at the wrong motive. The person who put the turkey in the toilet was actually angry... at me!
    (Everyone gasps)
    Linda: Oh my, God!
    Teddy: What are we doing?
    Louise: You see, this person knew that I would be blamed and potently punished for this heinous crime. So, was it mom?
    Linda: Don't think so.
    Louise: Correct. It was not. Was it Gayle?
    Gayle: I don't know.
    Louise: No, it wasn't.
    Gayle: Oh.
    Louise: Which brings up to Gene and Tina. At first, I actually believed that Gene was too scared of the shower ghost to go in the bathroom at night. And I believed dad's theory that Tina was too mature to do something like this, if she was acting alone. But what if... (Dramatic Pause) they were working together.
    (Everyone gasps)
    Linda: I knew it.
    Gayle: I can see it, (pointing to Tina off-screen) that one has crazy eyes.
    (Later in the conversation)
    Louise: They worked together to frame me because I have been slowly stealing their allowances over the last five years.
    Tina: Wait...
    Tina & Gene: You have?
    Louise: Yes. Wait, you guys didn't know that?
    Tina & Gene: No.
    Louise: Oh, never mind. Because I haven't been.
    Tina: (relieved) Good.
  • Bob having to constantly buy a new turkey. Eventually leading the guy behind the counter to think he's trying to hit on him. The kicker is that you think it's leading up to a Gay Panic joke, but instead, Bob's more worried the deli guy will think he's a bad cook.
    • Hell, the whole thing with the deli guy and the conversation it leads up to.
    Bob: I'm straight. I mean, I'm mostly straight. You should call Tony. I should just..... sorry. I gotta go cook this. Also I'm married. But if I wasn't- who am I kidding; you're out of my league, it'd never work.

Purple Rain-Union
  • After Gale finally agrees to come back to the band, she wonders if her cat is telling her not to do it. Louise proceeds to threaten him.
  • "Let's You and Me make a We-Union"
    • And the following song "Still Got Two Of My Sexy Parts" especially the followup in the credits.

Bob and Deliver
  • Bob losing controlling of his class and threatening to pepper spray them.
    Bob: You're animals! You're all animals!
  • Bob, disappointed how the Home-Ec class just watches videos instead of doing any actual cooking, tricks them into getting interested in cooking by making kettle corn.
    Bob: Oh, anybody want some microwave popcorn to go with the movie? (rips the microwave popcorn bag making the kernel drop onto a frying pan) Whoops, I ripped the bag.
    Zeke: (groans) Now we can't have popcorn! Idiot!
    Bob: Hey, everybody, (turns on the stove and heats the popcorn) maybe there's another way to make popcorn.
    Jocelyn: He's trying to microwave without a microwave.
    Zeke: Mr. B's lost. God, he's lost it!
    Tina: Let's see where he goes with this.
    Jocelyn: Oh, my God! What's happening?!
    Bob: We're cooking, Jocelyn. That's what's happening.
    Jocelyn: What's cooking?
    Zeke: Aw, poop, he tricked us!
    Tina: Or, aw, poop, he taught us.
  • Louise and Gene annoyed that the students Bob is teaching likes him.
    Student: Your dad is really cool.
    Gene: He's married... to a friend of mine!
    Louise: What the heck happened here?
    Tina: I'm not sure. I think dad might be a great teacher.
    Peter: Your dad rules.
    Louise: Hey! I don't appreciate your lack of sarcasm.
  • Pretty much everything Hildy the lunchlady does.
  • Mr. Platt failed attempt to kick Bob out of his small and crowded car.
    (after Bob gets out of the car)
    Mr. Platt: Got you. Ha, ha!
    Bob: No, you didn't.
    Platt: Well, yes, I did. I pushed you out, and you're fired. So, double burn on you.
    Bob: I got out on my own.
    Platt: Well, then, uh... you're rehired. Get back in the car.
    Bob: No. I'm not falling for that.
    Platt: No, just... just sit down on the edge of the seat here.
    Bob: No, I'm walking away now. Thank you.
  • Teddy getting a guy to dance with him.
    "Bob, I got this guy to dance with me, just using my body!"
    "Yeah, its alright."
  • Bob trying to convince Zeke that he has a talent for cooking.
    Zeke: (sobbing) GO TO HELL! GO TO HELL!
  • The ending credits where Teddy gets drunk and dances in the bounce house, leading to him vomiting and telling everyone not to go in it.
    Teddy: Someone threw up in the bounce house. Kids, kids you can't go in the bounce house, someone threw up in it.

Christmas in the Car
  • Jingle in the Jungle.
  • Tina describing the kids' obsession with kidnapping Santa.
    Tina: We're chubby chasers.
    Bob: Tina, don't say that.
    Tina: ÖFat fetishists?
  • The "bang your ass" conversation.
  • Linda put up the first tree the day after Halloween. When Bob points this out:
    Louise: Stop ruining Halloween by not celebrating Christmas, dad.

Slumber Party
  • Louise's wild stories to drive off Jodi and Harley, which include a violent twin brother of Gene's that speaks in farts, and Linda having "whooping butt".
  • A raccoon shows up in the bathtub. Gene immediately starts yelling "CODE ORANGE, CODE ORANGE!" You have to wonder about the code system in the Belcher household.

Presto Tina-O
  • Tina's Evil Laugh.
    Louise: Do you have something caught in your throat?
    Tina: That was my evil laugh. I also have something caught in my throat.
  • Louise and Gene's reaction to Tina and Jimmy Jr.'s improvised magic act.
    Gene: Huh. I thought we were getting revenge.
    Louise: More like revenge on us, having to watch.
  • Bob's revenge on the magician includes licking a platter of cold cuts in his dressing room. Later he finds out the magician farted on the meat.
    "I hope you learned your lesson, Bob. Don't lick meat."

Easy Com-mercial, Easy Go-mercial

The Frond Files
  • Tina flirting at the zombie horde.
    Tina: If your butts fall off, pick them up and put them back on.
    • Mr Frond locking himself in his office during the zombie attack and refusing to let the kids in with the justification that the survivors will need his guidance.
  • Gene's story: Fart School For the Gifted, which is every glorious "screw the establishment" 80's music flick wrapped up in one segment.
    • Gene literally blowing the roof off the school with the fart sound he had recorded on his keyboard.
    • Mr Frond dressed as Mrs Garret from The Facts of Life, and his portrayal in the story as a Dean Bitterman.
  • Louise's story, which is a parody of The Terminator. Mr Frond sends a robot duplicate of himself into the past to stop Louise from executing The Brownie Chair Surprise, where she put a brownie on Frond's chair during a school assembly, making it look like he crapped his pants. The best part? She actually went through with it in real life, as Bob notices when Mr Frond leaves his office.
    Bob: *barely containing himself from laughing* Linda, get your purse. And Gene's keyboard. Let's get out of here.

Mazel Tina
  • Tina's explanation of why she wants to go to Tammi's Bat Mitzvah so badly:
    Tina: There'll be boys from other schools there. I need fresh faces! And fresh butts.
    Gene: You'll take the butts you're given and you'll like it!
  • When Louise and Tammy are stuck in the Giant Tammy Head and trying to break through the floor, you can hear Louise cry out:
    Louise: OH MY LITTLE LEGS!
  • Tammy on the phone planning her Bat Mitzvah:

Uncle Teddy

  • Teddy throwing the delivery guys moped off a cliff, then immediately regrets doing so.
  • Linda and Bob pouring burger condiments into the jacuzzi to get back at the burger fanatics.

The Kids Rob A Train
  • Bob avoiding to talk with Linda and Rick by trying to befriend a kid riding his bicycle:
    Bob: Look, I'm perfectly happy enjoying my wine, staring out the window at that... (sees a kid outside the train) kid on a bike, going the same speed as us? And we are friends. I call him "Ramon". (to "Ramon") Hi, "Ramon"!
    "Ramon" What?
    Bob: Hi!
    "Ramon" I can't hear you.
    Bob: What? I...
    "Ramon": I...
    Bob: I can't hear you. I'm in a train. Okay, have a nice bike ride.
    ("Ramon" throws a rock at the train window)
    Bob: Ramon just threw a rock at me. (Beat) We're still friends.
  • Bob attempting to guess what his wine is blindfolded:
    Bob: This one is probably... wine. I would say red. Or it could be white. I'm also realizing that I'm not as good at this as I thought I'd be.
    Rick: No, you're not.
    Bob: Chablis is a wine, right? (Beat) You guys aren't answering me. I'm gonna say that's a good sign. I'm going with Chablis.
    Linda: Oh, I'm sorry, Bobby. You're not good at this.
    Rick: Poor Bob. I can't see your sad, pathetic face right now, but I bet it's crying.
  • Ethan getting suspicious of the kids:
    Ethan: Wait a minute. Something's up. Why are you out of breath?
    Rudy: Well, my trachea constricts due to the histamines that my body produces...
    Ethan: Okay, okay, Rudy, stop talking. (to Louise) Why are your shoes muddy?
    Louise: Because I'm-I'm poor. Oh, I'm so poor.
    Ethan: (to Gene) And why are you in your underwear?
    Gene: Because I am rich.
  • Linda tricking the snobby wine taster into drinking from the spit bucket.

I Get Psychic Out Of You
  • Those sounds Linda makes with every prediction. Even Bob comments that she sounds like Jerry Lewis.

The Equestranauts
  • A line that pretty much sums up many a brony: "Oh my God, why am I analyzing this show?"
  • The Belcher Family trying to stop the the Equesticles from tattooing Bob.
    Tina: Don't tattoo my dad!
    Louise: Counterpoint: Do tattoo him!
    Linda: Make it say "I Love Linda".
    Gene: Or give him some more nipples! You can never have enough! Ask a cat.
    • Tina tries to bust down the door but it's revealed that it's unlocked.
    Horseplay: Yeah, it's so we don't have to get up when every time someone else arrives.
  • When Bronconius gloats to Bob that he'll never get Tina's doll out of the hotel safe because the combination to the safe is based on an obscure reference to "The Equestranauts" that only he knows, how does Bob get the safe open? He calls the hotel front desk and has security open the safe for him.
    Bronconius: Oh, well, that was actually easy.
  • Bob, after going through all that trouble getting Tina's doll back, forces Tina to play with her doll after she decides she's too old to play with it.
  • The entire cast singing "The Equestranauts" theme song during the credits.

  • When Tina has identified the strange waxy scented lump (ambergris from a whale) they found on the beach with the Internet.
    Tina: Hey guys, remember that lump we found on the beach?
    Gene: My name is Gene!
    Tina: No, I mean the smelly lump.
    Louise: His name is Gene!

The Kids Run Away
  • Gail's poetry:
  • Louise fending off Dr. Yap while he screams like a little girl.
  • Louise trying to check into a hotel using Bob's credit card and an ID with a school picture on it. She claims to be a Vietnam Veteran.

Gene It On
  • The cheersquad adviser, Mr. Ambrose the librarian, who wanted to advise drama, attempting to enforce drama rules by turning the entire cheerleading competition into a Bring It On ripoff.
    • When he reveals his reason for leaking Gene's routine to the other school.
    Mr. Ambrose: Because having you cheers stolen five minutes before you perform is incredibly dramatic! Now you really have to scramble!
    Todd: You are the worst cheer adviser.
  • Linda's ridiculous ideas for cheerleading maneuvers. Even GENE can tell at first glance how dangerous and impossible they are.
    • When Gene needs a new cheer routine, he decides to do it and introduces it to his squad:
    Gene: (showing the flip book of the routine) It's never been accomplished before except by stick figures.
    Todd: I don't want to be "that guy," but if we do that, we're all gonna die a tragic death in front of our families.
    Mr. Ambrose: Stop, no, I never meant it to come to this! It's too risky! Do it! Do it!
  • Tina attempting to do a somersault as part of her cheerleader audition, and smashes headfirst into the judges table.

Wharf Horse
  • "You can't just run away from a kidnapping and go shopping! This isn't Florida!"
  • When Felix tries to disrupt Tina's bike-locking to Mr. Goiter (her favorite horse in the carousel)
    Felix: Leave now, or I will make you leave!
    Tina: Oh, I'm sorry, do you have the ability to make 13 year old girls poop out keys?
    Gene: He might. Don't look into his eyes!
    Louise: (To the onlookers) This guy's trying to make my sister poop!
    Felix: No, I'm not.
    Gene: Girl-pooper! Girl-pooper!
    Louise: Girl-pooper!
    Gene: Boarding school sounds fun.
  • When the contractors start smashing the other horses on the carousel:
    Tina: Lady Big Nose, no! (smash) Mr. Down There Hair! (smash) Henry Human Feet! (smash)
    Gene: His feet were more human than mine!
  • When Bob tries to get Tina to stop protesting:
    Bob: Tina, I know you love the carousel, but I have to tell you something. (whispers) They're tearing down Wonder Wharf to build condos.
    (Crowd gasps)
    Tina: NOOOOOOO!
    Bob: Uh, you weren't supposed to hear that. It's for the best. You understand, right, honey?
    Bob: Yeah, so, great.

World Wharf II: The Wharfening

    Season Five 

Work Hard or Die Trying, Girl
  • Ms LaBonze slapping Doug over his apparently phony promise to have Carly Simon attend the school play.
    Ms LaBonze: You probably think this slap is about you!
  • Bob's explanation for why he pushed Doug:
    Bob: Hey, I was just pushing you away from Linda, she's crazy!

Tina and the Real Ghost

Friend With Burger Fits
  • The kids have frozen the floor in the basement, making it ice, and invited the kids to play and push each other on it. Linda finds out, loves this, and has arranged a sort of ice-wrestling tournament for all the kids and is trying to get them fired up.
    Linda: [Sweetly] Everybody got their pillows? Everybody safe?
    Kids: Yeah.
    Rudy: Really?
    Linda: [sweetly] No, no, you're just out, honey.

Dawn of the Pecks
  • The competing theories on why the birds are attacking humans: Teddy thinks that their "pecking order" has been thrown out of whack because the turkeys, chickens, and geese were all stored together; Linda thinking that Thanksgiving is punishing them for not staying at home with Bob; and Micky believes that the birds have decided to overthrow the human race.
    Linda: We didn't do Thanksgiving right. We didn't listen to you and now it's attacking us.
    Bob: That makes sense.
    Teddy: No, it's biological!
    Mickey: No, it's the beginning of the Turkey revolution, Bob! (whispering) We gotta pick sides.
  • When the gang escapes from Wonder Wharf, Linda decides to "give the bird to the birds". The Belcher children, the Pesto twins, and Regular-Sized Rudy ask if they can as well; Linda agrees, but just once since it's a holiday. Cue the children flipping off the birds (all conveniently obscured) to triumphant music.
    Louise: It's so insulting!
  • Rudy saying he wants to go with Teddy and the Belchers to rescue Bob.
    Rudy: I kinda want to see how this one ends.
    Louise: Oh, Sweet Rudy. You probably won't live to see the end.
    Rudy: Oh...
  • Bob getting literally "fall-on-his-ass-drunk" while staying at home, and being completely unaware of what's going on with the birds. Including not seeing the horde of birds following him until he encounters the "cyclopes bird" after getting a turkey for Thanksgiving.
    • The scene where Bob does a dramatic scene with a turkey baster is just awesome. Not that kind of Awesome. (Well, maybe.)
  • Mickey breaking down and needing Louise to slap him.
  • Finally, after everything is done, Bob is upset that the others find that they have no desire to eat turkey.
    Mickey: I can still smell it, Bob. They're inside my mind nose.

Best Burger
  • When the three judges are tasting Bob and Skip's burgers, the third judge, who is an old man, said that their burger has exquisite (for Bob) and exceptional (for Skip) "mouth-feel", which Linda points out that his comment is creepy.
    • Linda trying to comfort Bob on the judge's results when Skip is likely to win:
      Linda: You got a "Fantastic" and a "Ooh", but [Skip] got an "Amazing" and a really weird "Ah", and [the third judge] liked both your "mouth-feels". I say it's a tight race.
    • When the judges decides the winner:
      Bob You know what. I did my best, I held my own with Skip, and no matter what happens, Lin, I feel pretty good.
      Chuck: And the winner is: Skip Marooch.
      Bob: Oh my God, I feel bad!
      Linda: Aw, dammit! (slaps a cooler off the table) Piece of garbage!
      Bob: How could we lose?! Are you kidding me?!

Father Of the Bob
  • Linda reminding Bob that its been 7 years since they last visited Bob's father. Gene says he remembers it because he was still breastfeeding.
    Linda: No you weren't!
    Gene: Not with you.
  • The reason they hardly ever see Bob's father? Bob can only stand to be in his presence for 15 minutes before his obnoxious attitude drives him off. Gene says its like speedating, but with your dad.
    Bob's Dad: *at the grand opening of Bobs Burgers* Well good luck...I give it three months.
    Bob: I'm gonna go inside.
    Bob's Dad: *at Bobs birthday* You're a lot fatter than I was at your age.
    Bob: Gotta go
    Bob's Dad: *meeting the newborn Gene* Aw cute kid...So you named him Gene, huh? Is it too late to change that?
    Bob: I'm gonna leave now.
    Bob's Dad: But this is YOUR house.
    Bob: That's okay.

Tina Tailor Soldier Spy
  • Troop 257's handshake.

Midday Run

Speakeasy Rider
  • Tina manages to be a great go-kart racer by flirting with the kart while driving. It weirds out the other kids listening on the radio.
    Tina: Hi Mr. Car. I must feel different than your old driver. Because I have a girl butt. Or so Iím told. Good job wheels. You too steering wheel! And engine? You did your part.
    Sascha: ...Tina I'm going to mute my headset now.
  • This conversation Tina has with one of the rich boys at the track:
    Sascha: Wanna take a little walk and talk? I have a proposition for you.
    Tina: I'm taken. Well, it's complicated.
    Sascha: Honey, if I was hitting on you, you would know. Because you would be TERRIFIED.
    Tina: ...Trust me, you're hitting on me.
  • Gene gets WAY into waving the flag at the go-kart track. Gus (one of the employees) even mentors him.
    Gene (waving flag): Flutter flutter flutter! Shimmy shimmy shimmy! And SNAP IT OFF!
    Gus: Hell of a snap-off, Gene!
    Gene: Yea, but my shimmy was shabby.
  • Three words: Gene's hairy mole.

Late Afternoon In the Garden of Bob and Louise

Cant Buy me Math

The Millie-churian Candidate
  • Louise's attempts to get Jimmy Jr. to win the election involved creating a cheesy campaign video with him singing about why everyone should vote for him. When that doesn't work they do a smear campaign on Millie that leads to people feeling bad for her. So what does Louise do? Create a smear campaign on Jimmy jr, in the hopes that people will think Millie was the one responsible for it.
    Narrator (Gene): Wagstaff has questions for Jimmy Jr. Why does he dance all the time? What's he hiding? Does he have to go? Why doesn't he stop dancing and go? Tell Jimmy Jr. to go to the bathroom already! By the way, here's his 5th grade picture (flashes an embarrassing photo of him with Braces of Orthodontic Overkill) it's terrible!
    • The initial response to the first commercial endorsing Jimmy Jr.:
      Regular-Size Rudy: Oh barf.
      Ms. LaBonze: I wanna slap that kid.
      Regular-Size Rudy: I know, right?
  • Millie murmuring "Power... Power..." while she rubs her sandwich between her hands until peanut butter is smeared all over her hands like soap. All the while Henry looks on, disturbed.
  • When Louise, Tina and Gene are going through Mr. Frond's files because of a tip they got about Abby Gene goes through his Zen garden.
    Mr. Frond: Who touched my Zen garden?! It's gonna take all afternoon to re-zen that thing.
  • When Bob and Teddy tie in their competition to see if Bob's knife is better than Teddy's hammer, Linda decides the tie breaker will be who can make a hole in the counter quicker.
    Bob: We're really going to regret this!
    Teddy: I'll fix it later, with my hammer!
    Mort: (Walks in as they're both destroying the counter)...I'll come back later.
  • In the end where Henry reveals that he intentionally planned for Louise and Millie to run against each other, and get the other disqualified
    Louise: How could you play with people's live like that?! Who the hell do you think you are Henry Haber?...You're going to be an amazing president.
  • Gene's reaction to the claim that Millie's actions were just an improv game.
    Gene: That's impossible. The only losers in improv are the audience.

The Gayle Tales
  • "Gayle of Thrones" - Louise's Game of Thrones inspired story, featuring Bob as Bobdor, and Louise as a knight, taking on the Mortain with one quick swing of her slapping sword.
  • The not-so flattering portrayal of Linda throughout the three stories, as the kids are mad at her for grounding them.
    • In Gene's story, "Lindette" is a loud and shrill country singer who loses her future stardom to "Jo Gene and Gayle," becomes an alcoholic, and ends up marrying a random drunk (Bob).
    • In Tina's story, Linda is Lord Bob's loud and obnoxious American fiance he's marrying for money. And they end up having a kid with a tail because they're cousins.
    • In Louise's story, Linda is "Lindaria," an evil hag who gets eaten alive by her pit of ravenous porcelain babies.

Eat, Spray, Linda
  • Tina getting rose petals from Mort only to find out there's only six petals:
    Bob: That's, like, six... six petals.
    Tina: Yeah, not a lot of funerals this month. Mort said to check back around the holidays.
    Louise: Maybe just one in the hallway, one in the doorway, and then one at the tub.
    Gene: We, we could get some branches.
    Bob: I'm not sure that will have the same impact.
  • Gayle freaking out on the phone when Bob tells her he doesn't know where Linda is. To calm Gayle down, Bob lies telling her Linda is back causing Tina to look to see if she's back two times.
  • Andrew the bus driver getting confused by Linda pointing at certain directions.
    Linda: Okay, so if I'm gonna walk it, (pointing behind Andrew) I could cut through that way.
    Andrew: You're pointing at me. Where did you learn to point?
    Linda: No, I'm pointing through you.
    Andrew: But it's at me.
    Linda: The other side of the...
    Andrew: Oh, behind me? Well, that makes a lot more sense.
  • Linda managed to get sprayed by a skunk two times. The first time was because she's accidentally awoken one when it was sleeping and the second time was when after she trips and breaks half of her glasses a skunk just runs past her and sprays her.
  • Louise asking the baker why some of his customer were banned from his bakery:
    Louise: (pointing to a photo) What did that guy do?
    Baker: He wants his crusts cut off.
    Louise: What did she do?
    Baker: She touches everything. Everything.
    Louise: What did he do?
    Baker: He's really racist.
    Louise: What did that baby do?
    Baker: He's just a jerk.
    • Bob getting mad at the baker for making fun of Linda's large hands:
    Bob: Guess what? (grabs a pumpernickel and throws it on the ground) No one (grabs a pumpernickel and throws it on the ground) talks about...
    Baker: Hey.
    Bob: (grabs a pumpernickel and throws it on the ground) wife's (grabs a pumpernickel and throws it on the ground) giant hands...
    Baker: Easy.
    Bob: (grabs a pumpernickel and throws it on the ground) ...on her birthday!
    Gene: (grabs a pumpernickel off the ground) Except (eats the pumpernickel, grabs another pumpernickel) for Teddy, because...
    Baker: All right.
    Gene: (eats the pumpernickel, grabs another pumpernickel) ... he also... (eats the pumpernickel, grabs another pumpernickel) complimented... (eats the pumpernickel, grabs another pumpernickel) her wrists! And this pumpernickel is dry! And a little dirty.
  • When Linda hitches a ride and has to ride in a horse trailer along with two horses due to being sprayed by a skunk, her smell is so bad that the horses move away from her.
    Linda: (to the horses) Oh, like you guys smell so good.

  • Bob high on pain medication and calling everyone "Gene".

Hawk & Chick
  • Bob trying to talk Louise out from following Kojima:
    Bob: This is weird. Let's go home, live our lives the best we can. I mean, we're poor, but we're happy.
  • Gene complimenting Tina, who doesn't get it at first:
    Gene: Wow. She can't do long division, but the girl can slide a saltshaker.
    Tina: Who? Oh, me.
  • Gene trying to figure out the concept of "Hawk & Chick":
    Gene: Wait, so these movies are about traveling barbers who fight weird Japanese monsters? So, it's like a less sexual Incredible Hulk?
  • Kojima revealing came to this town to find his Yuki, his daughter, and Gene misinterprets it:
    Gene: Is that Japanese for getting your groove back?
  • Gene trying to distribute flyers for the secret film festival to the people:
    Gene: Psst. You like movies?
    Guy: Yeah, I like movies.
    Gene: Are you cool?
    Guy': What do you mean?
    Gene: Forget it! Keep moving.
    (The guy leaves and Tina arrives)
    Tina: How's it going?
    Gene: Some of these people seem cool, but they're not!
    Tina: How can you tell?
    Gene: You can tell.
  • Louise attempting to imitate the sound of crowd cheering but it ends up sounding like a ghost.
  • Louise asking Dominic if he could put subtitles on the film:
    Dominic: Oh, sure. Yeah, I'll just add some words to the screen. What do you think this is, future world?
  • Bob discovering spell check on the computer:
    Bob: Did you guys know about spell check? It's amazing. It tells you if you misspell something. I mean, it's... Some of it is open to interpretation. But, you know, it's helpful.
  • Linda getting mad that despite dubbing more characters than Tina, Tina has longer lines which Linda tries to steal which angers Tina.
  • Bob instructing the crowd who came to see the movie on how to act so the movie theater manager will not notice them:
    Bob: All right, don't forget, secret screening, so we cannot look like a line! The manager's gonna come out pretty soon and go home. We're just 40-some-odd people who happen to be standing here. So, look at your phones or up at the sky and whistle or something.
    (Several people are on their phone, looking at their watch, facing different directions, or tying their shoes)
    Guy: Oh. Okay. Like this? (turns to the side and whistles)
    Bob: (to the guy) Great. (looking at the other people) Wait, wait. Too many shoe tie-ers, one of you hail a cab.
    Kevin: Taxi! (a taxi arrives) What do I do?
    Bob: Commit, commit, get in, circle the block.
  • The Belcher's improv dubbing when the audio speaker's batteries dies:
    • When dubbing the villagers:
      Bob: (dubbing Hawk) Which way did the Seaweed Monster go?
      Linda: (dubbing a villager) That way!
      Tina: (dubbing a villager) No, that way!
      Gene: (dubbing a villager) Aah! Monster! Green! Green! Aah! Aah!
    • The audience's reaction to the improv dubbing when Bob and Louise are trying to convince Yuki to stay in the theater:
      Male Audience Member: I don't remember this part.
      Female Audience Member #1: Are the actors really bad?
      Male Audience Member: Yes. They're horrible.
      • After Bob reassures Louise they will never not talk to each other when they get older:
        Female Audience Member #2: Foreign films are so much more complex than Hollywood movies.
    • Bob improv dubbing the Seaweed Monster:
      • "No! (Seaweed Monster smashes a house) Smash this house! Chick doesn't need to apologize for anything. Chick was just a kid. (Seaweed Monster hits a villager) And I hit this guy!"
      • "Seaweed Monster suddenly thinks this might be about something else. (Seaweed Monster is squeezing Chick while she swings her sword at it) And I'm squeezing you. Sorry about that.
      • "I'm the monster again. (Hawk and Chick stabs the Seaweed Monster) Aah, I'm getting stabbed. (Seaweed Monster explodes) I'm getting... I exploded. I'm not sure why I... I explo... I'm dead. I'm gone.
  • Bob discovering that they had the film festival during a school night:
    Bob: So I should get you kids home, right? What time is it?
    Tina: It's after midnight.
    Bob: Is it a school night?
    Gene: Yes, and I have a big test tomorrow. It's, like, half my grade.
    Bob: Oh, sorry.
    Gene: Hmm.

    Season Six 

Sliding Bob's
  • Tina's story about an alternate Bob's Burgers where Linda married Hugo. In an inverse of the first episode, Hugo's restaurant is accused of using wiener dogs in their hot dogs.
    Bob: Obviously, this is a baseless accusation.
    Hugo: No, it's true.
    Linda: WHAT?