Okay, my first thought is that this guy's motivation is an outright contradiction.

"Peace. He knows what it's like to live under a tyrannical rule, and doesn't want that fate to befell on anyone else."

Peace and a just peace are not the same thing. The guy started a war to dethrone Targus, so clearly he cares more about destroying tyranny than peace. Not that this is strictly a bad thing, since some internal struggling can be really interesting- just that you should acknowledge it's here.

Second thing: I don't like the second rebellion being caused by people with eviler intentions. If this is supposed to be the downfall of King Jelani Walker, surely he should be responsible for his own demise? Taking away a character's agency to avoid their own demise borders too close to Darkness-Induced Audience Apathy to me. I mean, just looking over this, I can think of at least a few reasons people would want to oust this guy (I know some of these may not apply due to cultural differences between reality and Silversun) :

• Gets the country involved in a war that the people don't benefit from; what's it to them if some faraway place gets conquered, and why should they die for that? This ties in very well to the "Honour Before Reason" flaw mentioned earlier, if you're going with that.
• Has two wives; might offend some of the more religious or conservative members of society.
• Bastard child: see above
• Some former revolutionaries who aren't happy that he got all of the power.

I know this seems more like critiquing the villains than the heroes, but if this is a revolution spurred directly by his rule, surely that should have something to do with his actual choices and flaws?

Another thing is that him sleeping with a prostitute kinda seems out of character for him, given his "nice guy" characterisation. Still, this could be justified more if you tie it into the "war vs tyranny" theme; at his utter low point, after he's seen the horrors of war and is beginning to doubt his cause, he stops caring and just cheats on his wives. When he decides that a just war is better than an unjust peace, his decision carries weight since he's aware of the negative consequences, and still decides that it's worth it. His stance against tyranny becomes all the more noble and meaningful if he's given an out, a choice to just say, "I've got mine, Jack", and do nothing.

Minor point, but subjecting the villain to a Fate Worse than Death also feels out of character for him.

Overall, you've got a good character going on here, but I'd say he probably needs a proper arc in order to fully flesh him out. The fact that his two goals can contradict themselves is already a great way to have an internal dilemma, I just think you should expand on it more.

Right, what am I doing?

Name: Alfred "Alfie" Hoare

• Age: 67 (Story's set in 1978)

• Personality: Alfie is a Deadpan Snarker who never smiles. He will usually make a smartarse comment that will make others laugh, but he himself never joins in. However, he's not cold, and will only transcend to outright nastiness if you are either infuriatingly stupid or annoyingly uncooperative. The one person he's openly warm to is his son, William. He also has a Ph D in biology and is a trained medical doctor.

• Abilities: Alfred's main weapon is his intelligence; he's a master at strategy and predicting how others will react.

• Weakness: His desire to keep his son safe and see that he follows him into an intellectual profession can drive him to do unsavoury things, from screwing over colleagues to outright denying what's in front of him. He can also come across as pompous and arrogant at times; when he gets something wrong, it takes him a very long time to admit it. His Lack of Empathy leaves him unable to understand why people would value anything more than intelligence.

• Goals: To become a widely respected member of the scientific community and promote his study in the field of reversing brain damage.

• Motivation: Having seen his mother's slow descent into incoherence thanks to a head injury, he wants to preserve both his mind and those of all people everywhere. He also wants to use his fame to promote his son William, as he believes him to be even more intelligent than him.

• Role in the story: He is a member of The Resistance working against the corrupt bureaucratic government, ran by war hero General Mc Ginnis. Of his small five man squad (consisting of The Hero Connors, The Lancer Watkins, The Big Guy Taylor, and The Chick Biggs), he takes upon the role of the Smart Guy, giving out smart strategic advice and doing his best to prevent in-fighting within the group. The influence carried by Mc Ginnis's second in command, Donnell, has lead to rising tensions- especially since Nepotism resulted in Donnell's son, the matricidal Captain Douglas Donnell, getting an important promotion. While Hoare certainly doesn't *like* the Donnells- especially since Douglas's squad consists of cowards, former criminals, and traitors- he recognises that their support is necessary to dispose of the corrupt government.

• Backstory: Alfred was born to Brandon and Mary Hoare on December 27th, 1911. His father was a deeply religious man who worked as a carpenter in the small town of Godwinston. His mother worked as a teacher. As a child, Alfred would spend days locked up in his room reading books borrowed from the school. However, when Alfred was fourteen, his mother sustained a head injury after she was kicked in the head by a horse. She spent three months slowly dying before she was finally coherent enough to beg Alfred to kill her. He strangled her to death while crying. Rather than let her body go to waste, however, he hid her in a nearby cave and dissected her to get a better understanding of the human body. Everybody presumed she ran off and Brandon fell into a depression.

A few months later, Brandon discovered the body inside the cave and hanged himself after seeing what his son had done. Alfred, once more, dissected his body. A few weeks later, after his fifteenth birthday, he sold everything his parents owned and left for New York. While there, he bought his way into a university and began studying biology. There, he met and later married a woman named Rebecca Pomroy. In 1929, they had the first and only child, William. The two would split up a few years later due to an argument over William's upbringing; Alfred wanted him raised at home, with an intense focus on learning as much as possible, while Rebecca wanted him sent to school like everybody else.

William did not go to school like everybody else.

In 1944, the nuclear apocalypse destroyed civilisation. Alfred and William survived together by scavenging the local area for three years and growing their own plants until they were rescued by Connors and Taylor. Alfred joined the two in working for General Mc Ginnis under the newly established state.

Tropes:

• Deadpan Snarker: Usually mouthing somebody off.
• Lack of Empathy: He just doesn't understand why anyone could consider anything more important than knowledge.
• Like Father, Unlike Son: In one regard only; William was far better at understanding the plight of others. Part of Alfred wishes he could understand them too. Alfie himself couldn't have been further from his father if he tried.
• Non-Action Guy: Prefers to let Taylor, Connors, and Biggs handle the fighting. That said, he can still pack a punch- he reckons if he whacked somebody hard enough, he could do something like give them permanent brain damage.
• Not In This For Your Revoltution: Mc Ginnis's promise of funding and equipment is Alfred's main allure to support his coup.
• Only Sane Man: To some extent. Biggs can usually be found making a fresh meal in the kitchens, while Connors can allow his hatred of Donnell to get in the way of things. Watkins doesn't have the confidence to voice any of his plans, and Taylor just isn't as smart as him.
• The Smart Guy: Extremely intelligent.
• Taking You with Me: Attempted at one point.
• Unreliable Narrator: For all his intelligence, he is unwilling to see things right in front of him.
• Vitriolic Best Buds: With Taylor.
• Would Hurt a Child: Only once. He would do anything to take it back.

edited 8th Feb '17 7:04:20 PM by bravo104

Sounds like a flawed hero, who is following the causes he supports for reasons more his own than any sincere belief in whatever ideology is guiding the revolution or even what person is guiding it.

His belief in knowledge and the paramount importance of it combined with his empathic problems give me the impression of either an Ambiguous Disorder or someone that has soured towards others due to some event or dark history.

• Name: Shin Oumitsunu
• Age: 17 in the present. Time Travel, Possible Universe Hopping, Possible Resurrective Immortality and other such things make telling his age in the future very, very difficult. The only surefire thing is "looks about thirty, maybe a little younger some times".
• Personality: Shin in the present is basically the Otaku to end all Otaku - as Matthew puts it, even the other nerds found him a little weird. "Shin is a guy who turned in a precise geographic recreation of the third battle of Cadia for an AP Geography assignment and passed. That is seriously freaking nerdy." Shin seems to have trouble differentiating between reality and fantasy, and is disillusioned with reality and seems introverted. He is however a very brilliant student - he takes all AP Honors classes except Physical Education, and he has even studied battle strategy and tactics "on my free time". While withdrawn, he's very supportive of the other members of the 317th, even though he could not undergo what they went through due to his frail constitution. He has develops a sense of when to be realistic, even saying that all jokes and references aside, the Umbral Horde is an existential threat to his hometown, and he's not so feeble as to let that slide.
  • In the future, he's essentially a riddle wrapped inside an enigma, clothed in conspiracy and questionable actions, and then further draped in secrecy, willing obfuscation and a seeming inability to tell the whole truth. To put it that he's a Double Reverse Quadruple Agent would do a disservice to the number of people he's worked with / double-crossed / led on wild goose chases / assisted in odd and oblique fashions. He's become a vague and utterly secretive person with a number of oddities about him, none of which he's interested in elaborating upon.
• Abilities: In the present, he's only got the odd surveillance ability through his Spell Core that lets him look over a battlefield. in the future...hooboy. This'll be fun. In the time between 300 years in the future and the present, he has learned eight martial arts, mastered fighting with both a sword and guns, uses an assassin's creed style assassination blade hidden up his sleeve, and is in much better shape physically. Now here's where it gets weird; his sword can go between not existing and existing, due to being forged by the departed soul of a god that doesn't exist any more. As a result, blocking his attacks with that sword is nigh on impossible. His pistols are magitech, but are much more devastating than any magitech that existed prior. He can outright vanish if not watched, has time travel somehow, and can No-Sell abilities he should be more strongly affected by.
• Weaknesses: In the present, he's basically a Non-Action Guy, and incapable of much combat outside of improvised weaponry. in the future, the New Association, a new version of the present government of the magical world, basically throws a fit whenever he shows up and tries to kill / capture him, so he cannot do anything overt without everything around him tending to blow up. He also alludes to being unable to explain himself what kind of weird mojo he uses, due to the peculiar nature of it.
• Goals: Help his friends survive. That goes for the future too, with a side order of Screw Destiny and Make Right What Once Went Wrong.
• Motivation: He feels if he does enough, he might be able to find out who his father is, due to suspecting more realistically that he's involved in the Magic Side. In the future, it is very, very complicated.
• Role in the story: The Smart Guy in the present, Reverse Mole Double Reverse Quadruple Agent in the future sort of, but an Enigmatic Minion no matter what.
• Backstory: Even in the present his backstory is kind of...odd. His mom, a Japanese migrant, was impregnated by a white drifter, who then...left. She doesn't even remember the guy's name, just that he took her into a whirlwind of a relationship before disappearing "for her safety." Shin's mom, ever since, has tried to keep her son from getting involved in the Magic Side due to whatever happened with his dad.
  • in the future, due to a direly unpopular and disastrous order by the New Association, he went rogue...kind of, and left with 26 other people, forming what came to be called the Network of Abelos. He trained and became the mysterious man he came to be known as, disappearing many times, and not even other members of the Network knew where he went.
• Relevant Tropes:

• The Atoner: After one screw up by him got Matthew almost killed by Caine, Shin got dead serious about defeating the Horde, and atoning for his wrongdoings in viewing this like one of his games. "This isn't metatextual. This is real. I'm real. You're real. And I'm getting us out of this - I owe Matt that much for rescuing my sorry ass."
• Badass Boast: To an assassin from the Blackened Praetors; "I trust Daniel. I'd trust him if the world was ending." Followed by Daniel rushing in and One Hit Killing the assassin.
  • In the future, he makes his presence known, No Sells a Magical Eye's effects on him and simply replies to a What the Hell Are You? "I am Me. You should fear me."
• Badass Longcoat: In the future - it is foreshadowed by a coat he gets at the end of Book IV. He wears it over his powered armor, and it seems to resist magic.
• Been There, Shaped History: he claims to have been at a number of formative battles, taking sides incredibly many times. He has rescued the imperiled, made corruption become obvious, and knows SOMETHING the New Association would rather remain hidden.
• Cool Sword: Future Shin has Apocrypha, his sword that goes between existing and not existing. The blade, while existing, constantly lets off black and white smoke from the blade. It was forged by the Old God of the Forge, Zaleleth, who...no longer exists, technically, himself.
  • The sword on his back just as much - there are a number of weapons it could be including the sword of Light God Jenon, but he has said nothing about it and in fact answers evasively when asked about it. All that is clear is that even swinging it in its sheath has some devastating effects.
• Cryptic Conversation: Nearly every conversation Future Shin has with anyone - ever. He alludes to switching destinies with someone else "for their sake" so as to insulate them from a curse, and said in response to no selling Daeth's difficult to comprehend and extremely powerful causality magic that "causality is being rewritten every minute I'm in an area - be aware of the shift in fundamental forces."
• Disappeared Dad: The source of his disillusionment with reality - he knows the explanation will probably be uncool and banal, and all he'd get from finding out would be disappointment.
  • Daddy Had a Good Reason for Abandoning You: Shin had a...has a...its temporal, and if he didn't leave it would've let Magic God Mitra kill young Shin. Whether Future Shin is telling the truth about that possibility however makes the whole thing more complicated still.
• The Dreaded: In the future - Allan has an Oh, Crap! when he realizes who he just randomly stumbled upon. Shin calms him down; "Cool down, kid. I'm here to help...for now. Believe it or not, you can take me at my word."
• Enigmatic Minion: Future Shin, fullstop. He works for six different villains at once, and betrays half of them for three new villains...and then suggests one of the new villains is actually a hero in deep cover. Enigmatic is putting it lightly.
• Escape Artist: In the present, he escapes armed escort by a series of tricks and deceptions. In the future, this is a man who can escape a huge airship with nobody noticing, steal the commander's identity, guide them toward a vicious Umbral Horde commander's unit, and then still get out of the resulting battle with a quip and a smirk.
• Future Badass: Shin in the future, full stop. Among other things he did, he fought a Magic God in a world made entirely out of Mana, and the resulting death of Magic God Mitra and his stint in that world made him have a number of extremely weird effects. He's carrying another blade on him that seems to be a localized vector of extreme power contained only by its scabbard and a seal he applies to it every morning. He either fights the heroes, helps the heroes, or does both at the same time. The New Association made an entire army led by his old affiliates to capture him and even they cannot catch him.
• Geek Physiques: In the present, as he puts it "I'm 120 pounds sopping wet, and my only weapons to defend myself are sarcasm, my knowledge of obscure fandoms, and strong friends." In the future, a lot of exercise and training takes him from this straight to looking rugged and hunky. The one facial feature most people remember of him is "he was astonishingly handsome".
• Grin of Audacity: When he seriously suggests to Michael Flynn that "nothing happened - we didn't fight the Umbral Horde today." When the 317th 1) absolutely did and 2) saying such made it crystal clear that they had no intention of cooperating with the new administration and the fights it picked with Umbral Horde Carta.
  • In the future, while thought captured, he replies to being told "seek redemption for your sins", with both this and a chuckle "I think, for one, I repent for leading you guys on." He then reveals he cut the ropes holding him, and nonlethally defeats the guys sent to capture him.
• Guile Hero: In all incarnations, he is a guileful and capable man who if not capable on the battlefield at first, assists characters who are with strategy and advice. He makes use of many of the thirty six stratagems, and in the future, is the reason The Voiceless rebellion is going on as long as it is.
• The Gunslinger: Another of Future Shin's names. He's a downright uncanny shot with those guns, and fights with them just as much as he fights with his sword.
• I Have Many Names: He has gone by a lot of names in the future. The Morningstar, the Voice of the Voiceless, Executor of Life's Equations, The Dynamist...
• In the Hood: A hooded, mysterious anti-hero as an adult.
• Master Swordsman: in the future, Shin has that sword - he's quite good at using it. Considering how it works, he needs to be good with it, otherwise it'd flicker in and out beyond his control. He seems to fight using it as if its alternatively a longsword, a rapier, and a broadsword.
• Mind Screw: His origins and nature as revealed in the future. He either hopped universes or switched fates with someone else purely so he could temporarily lead a group to victory when they were otherwise destined for defeat due to prophecy. He might well be his own father. Shin broke physics by killing a Magic God, in the one place the said Magic God should not have been able to be killed. He doesn't seem to manipulate Mana to do anything he does, which is a trait shared only with Lishana the Heavens' Daughter, a Mind Fuck of a character on her own. He's either the mastermind of all Umbral Horde forces connected to the Abelos Network, or he's the loyal one and the New Association is unwittingly in cahoots with the Horde. And that's barely scraping the surface. There's also the time he was thought captured and somehow traded places with a torturer who he didn't like. Nothing about him makes any amount of sense.
• Multiple-Choice Past: Shin has two theories for his past - one being extremely nerdy and the other being more plausible. In the future, he tells Allan Ersdos six backstories - all of which contradict one another, and any of which could be lies but could just as well be the truth as far as Allan knows. Including that he's the Arthurian Green Knight, reincarnated over and over throughout the years, that he's Lucifer the Fallen Archangel made to be a human being to atone for rebellion against God, or just as well that he's some random dude that discovered something terrible about the New Association and is now being hunted for it. Allan even says "friend, you just gave me a headache."
• My Own Grandpa: He may well have fucked up his own physics and spot in space / time so much he is his own father by this point.
• Mysterious Past: One he is intent on solving. Apparently his future self solved it...and it was so classified the New Association wants him dead for that too. He's also piled on some more mysteries to his past.
• Nerd: In the present. He's basically the nerd that even other nerds have an Even Nerds Have Standards moment towards. We see his room, and it involves a lot of miniatures, eighty six DVD's of anime, and an entire laptop devoted to his online gaming activities. In the future, he cannot let these habits die - he tells one young girl watching a show "I like that one. Trust me, it gets good."
• Powered Armor: His is teal color, and much more closely trimmed to his body than other suits - it functions to maximize agility and enable absolutely quiet movement, as well as a built in assassin's creed style blade.
• Really 700 Years Old: Still alive after 300 years - whatever happened to him, he did not age much, and even the secret of his vitality is one sought after.
• Rebel Leader: Voice of the Voiceless, basically guiding people who do not want to work with either the Umbral Horde or the New Association.
• Revealing Cover Up: In the modern time, he basically calls this trope out - Trump's agent amidst the 317th tried to cover up the initial steps in Book V, which included some spy intrigue, but the method he used was so obvious that Shin called it out that trying to cover stuff up like that just made it obvious things had gone on.
  • He made use of this trope's effect in the future, too. He declares at one point, ominously, that he would reveal a ground moving fact about the Generals in charge of the New Association, particularly Eisenmann. Queue the powerful schemers moving to try to intercept, intercede and control whatever message came out in a vastly more overt fashion than usual. The message used Exact Words and a different definition of ground moving than what they'd thought; "General Eugene Eisenmann wears Year 2297 grade combat boots." It was then they realized, he had well and truly outplayed them by having never been playing at all.
• Shout-Out: Shin is the good guy for that as opposed to Caine. He has what can best be described as "reference storms". Daniel even puts in some earplugs when Shin really starts going upon seeing Caine's battle positions via his Spell Core.
  • Averted, however, when Shin ascertains the truth about Caine's own Shout-Out, the Hell Brute (basically a walking tank with a prisoner inside giving it human intelligence). He refuses to acknowledge that thing as anything but Caine's Moral Event Horizon on legs, owing to the fact Caine kidnapped a noncombatant close to Matthew and the others explicitly just to make killing the Brute hurt.
• Stealth Mentor: Future Shin, to Allan. Its made clear by him that he does not want Allan dead, and in fact sees him as the best possible person to reform the Ardent Knights. Its just he thinks Allan needs to be...tested first.
• Troll: Here is a list of troll moves he's made;
  • Trolled the shit out of Michael Flynn, possibly contributed to his resignation in this 'verse in a small part.
  • Trolled Trump himself in a display of astounding gall by hacking the President's personal twitter account and making him call his followers "an army of tweedle dumbs".
  • In the future;
  • Trolled the New Association by claiming he was gonna release some info, and then promptly merely said what one of their most prominent members liked to wear on his feet.
  • Used highly advanced tech to guide people trying to track him to the now closed down high school that functioned as New Dawn's primary setting in the past.
  • Made the entire council of the New Association look bad when they proclaimed a group of their troops "could not be saved" - by saving them anyway and airing the members of the New Association saying they didn't think that group could be saved and to "focus resources elsewhere, on relevant projects instead of doomed idiots."
• Vitriolic Best Buds: Shin and Daniel - the former is a shout out obsessed nerd and the latter is an overly serious guy who cannot stand the shout outs...yet, in spite of everything and a rocky introduction, they become and remain the closest friends in the 317th.
• Walking Spoiler: Notice how many spoiler marks there are here. Surely he's just a normal nerdy guy...
• Xanatos Speed Chess: How he keeps ahead - he never really makes one long, lasting plan - he improvises and makes basically a million little plans interconnected and which can succeed even if other connected plans fail. He keeps a mental tally of which plans are failing and which are succeeding, as well as reminding himself to make new ones in response.
• You Are Better Than You Think You Are: One of the few concrete messages he has - for all that the New Association, revealed by him to be actually representing the Light God forces, push repentance and theological dues to the battle between the Pantheons, he says that outside outstanding circumstances, chances are you're not as vile as you think you are in the grand scheme of things, and nobody deserves the "manacles of that word irredeemable". He even says if he could, he would give this message to Khaos himself.

edited 2nd Mar '17 7:59:23 PM by NickTheSwing

lemme just say that this character will be awesome in the making. There’s really nothing i can say to fix him to be honest.

Name: Nackie "archer" brown/García (or captain liberty)

Age: 17

Appearance: very dark brown, spiky hair and khaki colored skin, wears reading glasses regardless of the situation. His outfit is an open button shirt with a long sleeved, white shirt underneath it. His frame is underweight with a noticeable lack of muscle mass. His superhero identity on the other hand, stands at around 50ft tall with a build similar to a comic book superhero (but a tad bit near up to eleven). His dark purple hair reaches past his shoulders and his chin is chiseled. He wears something similar to a masked wrestler with an American flag color scheme and googles.

Personality: to say that Nackie was the world's greatest man would be a full blown lie. Nackie is a coward and for good reason. When navigating the dangerous world that is life, sometimes, it makes sense that Nackie took the flight option in flight or fight. He avoids anything that has the slightest hint of conflict in it, preferring not to get involved because of threat of violence erupting. It doesn't help that he has a major case of self-esteem issues. He believes that he can't stand up for himself since his timidness is hindering him from his confidence.

When he's not sulking about his worries being a small guy in a big world, however, he has a large fondness of comics and everything wrestling related. He also has a tendency to be a bit of a cute dork.

But as captain liberty, his confidence grows along with his ego. He's headstrong if not full of himself. Which, can lead to him underestimating the kaiju he fights. He has his fair share things to be wary of. Swinging from mood to mood, liberty would be happy in some moments and frustrated in others or even full on angry in a millisecond. The mood swings can cause some to be alert since well, he's a titian of a man. We wouldn't want him going a rampage now do we?

Abilities: as I've stated before, he can grow up to 50ft in height with the added bonus of super strength and plasma manipulation (like plasma breath and plasma fist). his fighting style is mix of wrestling you see in wwe and a bit of martial arts, which comes in handy when you beating the crap of monsters for a living.

Weaknesses: Nackie, as I've say in this sheet, has low self-esteem, which are unfortunately connected to his powers. If he's angry or stressed out, he begins to grow in size. Whereas, if he's unhappy, sadden, or his self-esteem leaves him, he shrinks. Although captain liberty has impervious skin, certain metal alloys can do damage to him which explains why Beowulf has them in stock in case he goes rouge. His large size can get in the way of his movement due to his reluctance of hurting people or destroying property. And, his overconfidence blinds him from seeing the actual danger of the situation.

Goals: Nackie doesn't have much of a goal but he does dream of finally gaining the recognition he longs for such a long time. Later on he wants to find out about the whereabouts of his birth parents, who had a connections to both Beowulf and Biogenix.

Motivation: the reason he even does all this is in hopes of finding a cure after he finds out that constantly dealing with kaiju most of the time he nearly ruining his life. If he finds his birth father, maybe he might know a way to cure him. unfortunately for him, his father can’t find the solution to his plight.

For his first goal, as a boy, he wanted to be as famous and well recognized as his role model, el libre but never managed to get that wish due to his constant self-esteem issues.

Role in the story: Whelp, due to how rare human kaiju are, Biogenix and Beowulf both take interest in him. In addition to this, he’s the main protagonist we follow around throughout the story. he even becomes the “king of kaiju” in order to round up the kaiju of earth to fight against the alien threat.

Backstory: his father, Professor Garcia, was a well renowned scientist and famous for his understanding of kaiju. He and his wife had figured out a way to open portals to other dimensions where undiscovered species of kaiju resided. But the machine that would lead them inside had malfunctioned, creating a black hole which suck them into regions unknown. Left without his birth parents, 5 year old Nackie was given to Mr. Douglas brown, one of Garcia’s close colleagues. He and his wife promised to take good care of him as if he were their own son.

Years gone by and during those years he was teased from time to time. For a kid his age, he was shorter than average, leading to some to take advantage over him. Nackie tried to prove them wrong only to screw up every now and then, further receiving ridicule. As a teenager, ended up preferring to be alive with his close friend, Ardy being on side. It felt his dreams of becoming big went be coming true any time soon until the meteor shower happened. There, he stumbles across a crash site where a gathering of crystals began to appear. Without a second thought, he came into contact with crystals which caused a change in DNA. The next night, Nackie was invited to a party at some warehouse. There, he was unaware that some people have mysteriously disappeared as a pack of mutant gerbils have been killing them one by one. He finally notices when he realizes something’s wrong with him. Upon entering the bathroom, he sees that his eyes are glowing a light purple hue. He began to grow in size and muscle mass until he busted through celling. Shocked at the change, he didn’t know he ended up naked as a result of the transformation until now. He took a hold of a party banner and makes it into a makeshift loincloth. Outside the warehouse, screams from two girls alerted him to bust out of the bathroom and into the woods.

A pack of killer mutant gerbils had them surrounded but he came in just in time to save them. The girls were about to say thank you to him only for him to run off into the deepest parts of forest. He came across a cave where he decides the stay there til morning. The very next day, he wakes up to what appears to be prison. A female scientist by the name penny lowyle tells him he’s now in the custody of Beowulf. Not pleased by the news, he grabbed her up and demanded answers before he got electrocuted by her gadget. Her boss, general reedman, tells them to cut it out. Nackie asked the general as to why their keeping him here. She tells him it’s classified and leaves. The two scientist do the same with penny doing a raspberry at him.

The next morning, he hears something in the TV and sees a news report about giant gerbil heading its way to the nuclear reactor. With great force, he busts himself free, alerting the guards to try to neutralize them. Penny tells them to hold fire and askes what’s going on here. Nackie tells her he has city to save and asked if got any “super suits” in stock. Decked out in a modified version of his prison uniform, he goes out to stop the gerbil from reaching the nuclear factory. Upon chasing the gerbil there, the two duke it out until he punches a hole into one of the vats. A flood of nuclear waste began pouring out. The flood pushes the mutant off the edge, plummeting down to regions unknown.

He gets out of the nuclear factory, victorious. One of the news anchors comes up to him and asked what his name is. He considers for a moment until settling for the name: captain liberty. The crowd chants his name, increasing his pride.

He gets back to the HQ where the crew congratulates him on his success. The blonde girl, now called Penny, even suggests a party. But the time for celebration was cut short when the alarms sounded off. Liberty figures out that someone must have breached the security. He and the two girls run into the containment facility. The gerbil, who now goes by the name Meggerba, types in the password to set all the giant monsters free. Liberty had to fight his way through the crowd to reach Meggerba, trying to open the entryway to the outside world. Confronting the now sapient gerbil, liberty's mind is read by him, revealing liberty's true identity. Meggerba promises to destroy the lives of those he loved. Filled with intense anger, Liberty beat him until he was unconscious. After that, he let out a deafening roar, signaling the rest of the monsters to run away in fright. The soldiers neutralized them just in time.

After that was over, liberty is happy, but still misses his former life. Penny reassures that he'll like it here. He liked that but isn't sure to accept the offer. Suddenly, however, he begins to shrink down to his normal stature and look again. This gave him the chance to eventually get his life back, albeit, with a few changes..

relevant Tropes:

adorkable

attack of the 50ft whatever: he's basically this trope.

expy: of Nancy archer in some respects as well as Godzilla.

edited 4th Mar '17 8:07:10 AM by ewolf2015

[anyone or the guy who owns this thread, is it mandatory for someone to critique and make a character at the same time? because it seems like it's taking forever for anyone to review these post]

edited 13th Mar '17 5:09:24 AM by ewolf2015

bump

this is my last bump, if no one else wants to review this, fine by me.

I'll admit, the lack of proper capitalization makes it a bit hard to follow. To me he comes off a bit static. Does his character(ization) change during the course of the story?

is that all you can give?

yes he does. lots of it even

I'll confess that I can't help much. I did mostly respond because of your repeated requests.

Not bad. An Adorkable teenager who becomes a human kaiju. I like the fact that he's unique, as human kaiju are pretty rare.

Another one from The Gods Can Bleed. I posted Zayne, the leader of the Four Horsemen earlier, so for reference you can read that too on the previous page. I think I'll post one for each of the four. Admittedly, they fall into a gray area, but I believe they aren't evil enough to be considered villains.

Name: Skarlett Beaufort

Age: Refuses to say (physically in her twenties)

Appearance: Skarlett, being a succubus, is naturally tall, voluptuous, and oozing an aura of sexual desire. She stands at 5'9" without her knee high heeled boots. Her hair is long and red, she has green eyes, and her figure includes extremely large breasts, curves, and long legs complimented by red nylon pantyhose. This is in her human form, where she suppresses her powers to appear normal. When she awakens her powers, she grows horns and wings that are fitting of a succubi. Additionally, when things really need to be done, she can access a One-Winged Angel form where she appears considerably more demonic than before.

Abilities: As a succubus, Skarlett has a hand in magic that she typically uses to engage enemies at a range. Usually, she favors casting spells to attack from a distance, and depending on how much power she is using, her energy becomes extremely deadly. She also has uses for magic outside of combat, such as making her clothes materialize out of nowhere, for one. As you can imagine, her magic is powered by the souls the many men she has taken through sex. In order to grow more powerful, she must satisfy her sexual desires, or else she will grow weaker.

Weaknesses: As dangerous as she is at a distance, she loses power considerably up-close. While she is easily capable compared to a normal, there are many stronger foes who could easily beat her in hand-to-hand combat. Additionally, there's the fact that she grows weaker if she goes too long without having sex, but for obvious reasons this isn't really an issue.

Goals: To help Zayne achieve his revenge on Albian Chastain, as she owes him for rescuing her and it's fun.

Motivation: Her libido is the biggest one. She travels all over the lands alongside the other Four Horsemen so she can have more "fun".

Role in the Story: Skarlett acts as the lone female of the Four Horsemen, accompanying POV character Zayne on his quest for revenge.

Backstory: Skarlett Beaufort was born as a human girl to a Fletcher, a hunter of monsters, and Marissa, a housewife, in Olaius, a rural landscape, in the land of Arcania. Despite what she father did, she lived as a normal girl, and she was about what one would expect. As she became an adult, Skarlett had a desire to travel and see the world around her. She lived with her parents up to when she was 19. Having known what her father did, she wondered why he would hunt people down for being different, even if they caused no harm. He would always say that the money was too good. Everything changed one fateful day, when she ventured out and encountered a woman named Iris.

A succubus on the run, Skarlett felt sympathy for her. She helped her out by getting her food and accompanying her in the forest. They became friends, as Skarlett didn't view her as a monster as much as she was misunderstood. However, Iris was a target for her father, who wanted the money he would get by killing her. When Fletcher discovered this, he made Skarlett show him where she was, under the threat of physical and verbal abuse. Tearfully, she led him to Iris at her spot in the forest.

When he encountered her, he was ready to kill. Iris took many lives in her sex spree, and he was ready to bring justice. Not willing to give up the life of her friend, Skarlett stood in the way of Fletcher and his poison-dipped crossbow, begging him not to kill her. Iris made a move, which made Fletcher shoot. He intended to shoot around Skarlett, but she moved in front of the shot without thinking. Skarlett was impaled in the side, and the poison was spreading through her veins. Angered by what happened, Iris wasted no time in killing him, Fletcher having begged for his life as he was being killed.

As Skarlett was dying, Iris approached her. She made her a deal, one that would transform her forever, which she accepted. Iris passed on her energy to Skarlett, which transformed Skarlett into a succubus like her.

Afterwards they parted ways, but still remained in contact. Skarlett, with a new lease on life, began wandering the world, exploring as she always did. With her now being a succubus, Skarlett would have sex with many men, stealing their souls to power herself. Eventually she was found, overpowered, and caught. She was incarcerated at the Solitude Asylum in Cutven. Eventually, she was rescued by Zayne, who needed people to help him enact his quest for vengeance against King Albian Chastain of Thorn. She finds amusement in the cause, and joins along for the fun.

Alongside Zayne, Lancian, and N'Khal, they become known as "The Four Horsemen", a band of criminals who commit crimes against politicians and big-name aristocrats.

Relevant Tropes:

• Anti-Hero: A soul-stealing succubus who fights against people much worse than her. She does act benevolent while she's at it, though.
• Chivalrous Pervert: Rare female example. Though she quite literally lives for sex, she'll refuse it to those she likes, and always helps others under the motivation of good.
• Combat Stilettos: Has no problem fighting in heels.
• Dangerous Forbidden Technique: Her One-Winged Angel significantly drains her energy after a certain amount of time, which can backfire on her. That's why she doesn't use it unless she needs to.
• 11th-Hour Ranger: Downplayed. Originally, Zayne wanted to recruit a hellbourne named Blisto, but he refused, which lead to Zayne finding and recruiting her instead. He admits this was for the best, as four men sharing the same journey would be less natural, as oppose to three men with female company.
• Emergency Transformation: How she became what she is today. She nearly died from a poison-dipped arrow from her father, and the only way to save her was for Iris to transform her into a succubus, which healed all injuries through magic.
• Foil: To Lancian. She's a hedonistic succubus who seeks thrill and pleasure, and fights her targets at a distance. Meanwhile, he's a human who is Not Distracted by the Sexy, is highly dutiful in getting the job done, and uses swords to fight his enemies head-on. Naturally, Lancian has little tolerance for her, while Skarlett often engages in teasing him.
• The Hedonist: She seeks pleasure in her journey above all else.
• Horny Devils: She's a succubus. Though not born as one, she was transformed into one on the brink of death.
• Ms. Fanservice: Considering what she is, it's to be expected.
• Nice Girl: Surprisingly enough, she's quite a benevolent figure. She's always there for her friends when they need it, even Lancian, and always acts polite to others (besides teasing people on occasion). She'll also refuse sex with people who she deems are good, so as to avoid the risk of stealing their souls.
• Offing the Offspring: Nearly became the victim of one (albeit accidental), having been shot by her own father, which lead to her Emergency Transformation.
• One-Winged Angel: She has this form as a last resort. She transforms into a demon-like creature with horns, wings, and a tail, which increases her power greatly. It also drains her of her power, hence she doesn't use it unless necessary.
• Really Gets Around: As one could expect from a succubus, since she requires stealing the souls of men to stay strong.
• The Smurfette Principle: The only female member of the Four Horsemen.
• The Tease: Likes to evoke this reaction from others. It only works outside of the Four Horsemen though, as Zayne and Lancian are Not Distracted by the Sexy while N'Khal is a lizardman who naturally doesn't find humans (or human-like creatures) to be attractive. This was rather disappointing for her, to say the least.
• Your Soul Is Mine!: When she seals the souls of the many men in herself through sex, they exist as part of her. To her, she is giving them bliss, as they exist in a state of eternal pleasure inside of her power.

Let me get this straight: Skarlett needs to have lots of sex to stay powered, and she drains the souls of those she has sex with? Sounds like mass murder to me and not at all something a Nice Girl would do, even if she only bangs bad guys, which I kind of doubt. The bit with all her victims living on in eternal bliss inside her is insanely creepy (not that there's anything wrong with it, I like it actually) and kind of puts her into Villain Protagonist or at least Sociopathic Hero territory if you ask me.

Also, I don't think her father should be judged all that harshly for trying to put down Iris. You did mention her killing a lot of people, and I don't see what's there to be misunderstood about her.

Still, seems like an entertaining character.

edited 4th Apr '17 7:21:03 AM by ilili

Thanks for the feedback, anyways...

It's a bit tricky because there's no "Morally Ambiguous Character Critique Thread", but I decided that the members of the Four Horsemen were more on the side of good than evil despite their questionable actions, because the evil characters are far worse. In general, Skarlett does try to target people who are bad, because she doesn't want to risk taking the souls of any innocents.

She's also very polite, if also very teasing, to the people who are on her side, which is where the Nice Girl part comes in. Succubus in the world of the story are high persecuted, and those captured will often die or be subject to a Fate Worse than Death. There are also two types, those born as succubus and those who were transformed into one. It's for that reason why she has a very different view on the world than a normal person would.

As soon as characters are described with morality tropes they open themselves up for questions concerning how appropriate they are, so this thread is plenty.

I gathered they're supposed to be Anti Heroes, but having the antagonists be worse doesn't disqualify the protagonists from being Villain Protagonists if they are sufficiently heinous themselves.

The "In general" here worries me. Try not to downplay the fact that Skarlett, no matter how seldom, has killed innocent people, and that she puts her victims into an eternal pleasure-existence inside her soul (I might be overreacting to this, but I'm sure there are others it would creep out aswell). I think that aspect of her could be really awesome, but only if you make sure to play it for all the horror that it's worth.

You might wanna give the Nice Girl trope page a re-read because (Laconic:)"An overall pleasant character with no glaringly dark traits." doesn't seem to fit her. Sucking souls out of people, no matter how polite and friendly otherwise, is plenty dark. That said, perhaps my definiton of a Nice Girl is too narrow so take it with a grain of salt. So narrow in fact that I'm wondering if "polite" and "teasing" aren't kind of contradicting each other.

The info on succubi in your setting is neat and all, but I don't get how it ties into what we're talking about. Having Skarlett be a target of persecution would make a certain attitude more plausible, but wouldn't really excuse the whole murder-thing.

I do hope I'm not being too negative here.

edited 4th Apr '17 4:54:43 PM by ilili

@Ultimate Lazer: Yeah, I have to agree with the above poster that Skarlett doesn't really count as a Nice Girl. If anything, I think the applicable trope is Good Bad Girl.

edited 4th Apr '17 1:45:45 PM by MapleSamurai

Put this into perspective, imagine being permanently hooked to a machine that pumped bliss-inducing drugs into your bloodstream that were so potent you couldn't do anything but mindlessly enjoy it.

Now imagine a character who kidnaps people aand forces this fate upon them.

Now imagine an entire group that does this and sees it as completely natural.

Now, is it easier to see why people may not see your succubi in a better light than those who kill them, and why some readers are going to oppose the notion that Skarlett is in any way heroic, no matter how worse your villains are?

Now, that is not saying you can't have a Villain Protagonist facing a greater evil, or that you can'tmake her sympathetic at all. Just that from a moral/ethical standpoint, you'd probably have a little more luck with a fundamentalist terrorist.

Well maybe I am taking it too far, since fundamentalist terrorists exist in our world, which for some reason makes then even less sympathetic. But that is besides the point.

edited 4th Apr '17 2:02:08 PM by EternaMemoria

I thank you for illustrating so perfectly what I didn't quite manage to put into words with your example.

I understand. It was kind of hard to find a trope that fits her situation. Because I don't really consider her to be a villain, so I don't think Affably Evil fits.

What they said.

Name: Anne Tsu

Age: 31

Personality: Ice Queen meets Broken Ace meets Transhumanism. She's died over twenty different times, and been restored from back-up or CCS(Cerebral Copying System) each time. This has given her an intense irrational fear of death, even though she knows that it would only be temporary for her.

Abilities: She's an excellent marksman, and she's probably used every weapon in the [[ MegaCorp Explorer Conglomerate's]] catalog at least once. Despite being the captain of a relatively small crew, she holds a lot of clout and connections to those higher up in the Conglomerate for reasons she keeps to her self. Also, her body has been modified incredibly heavily for survival. She can survive limbs being torn off due to them being partially cybernetic, her bones are nigh-unbreakable, she no longer needs to eat or drink and her brain has been replaced with a cybernetic computer that has an eject button.

Weaknesses: The aformentioned thantophobia. She's incredibly adverse to situations which might actually cause her to die. As a result, she feels intense amounts of stress and anger from her incredibly risky job. She also suffers from a great degree of self-loathing, as she feels that she's a coward. She also knows that she, conciously or unconciously, puts her own well being ahead of her teams as a result of her mental illness, and hates herself for it.

Goals: She'd love to retire early and live a signifigantly less fast life. Unfortunately, she's under contract, and until that's up, she needs to keep on the job.

Motivation: To live happily, and with continuity of self.

Role in the story: She's the leader of one of the teams headed into a previously uncharted area of space. She's both a source of conflict, due to her illness and her crewmates effectively protecting her from oversight, but also a resolver of conflict due to her role as leader. Eventually, when it really comes down to the wire, she dies to help save her team from catastrophe, overcoming her fear. She Gets Better, though.

Backstory: She's an ace with over nine years of service to the Explorer Conglomerate. She's under contract for another 21 years (this is actually considered relatively short, due to the life extending transhumanism prevalent in the setting). Despite her skill, she's died multiple times in the field.

Relevant Tropes:

Death Seeker: Completely inverted. Despite transhumanism making death less harmful to her, it has made her all the more afraid of it.

Broken Ace

Ice Queen

Artficial Limbs: And stomach, and heart, and bones, and brain...

Cybernetics Eat Your Soul: Inverted. Her cybernetics are influenced by her mental state, not vice versa.

Noodle Incident: How she got her connections despite her low rank, and a couple of the times she's died.

Noodle Implements: Apparently, she once broke out of a jail with a dust-bin, some water and a battery.

edited 13th Apr '17 8:36:29 AM by madprophet

not much going on with her but I do say it's refreshing for more people to portray cybernetics as not something that dehumanizes you.

ok guys, with a lot of thinking and what not, I have finally reworked Ezainel, a character I introduced earlier. there are a few things that one must note about him: he's a video game character, and there will be some video game tropes there as well as others from the other adaptations.

and here's his picture (I'm going to redraw this soon)

Name: Ezainel revins

Age: about 17 realm cycles old (in earth years, he's about 15)

Personality: Ezainiel has what some might call a inferiority-superiority complex. he is very intelligent for a boy his age but he wastes it on doing pranks on people he distaste. but when the situation arises, he is crafty. and, some cases, resourceful in his environment. one notable drawback, he can be a bit hard to work with. he likes doing things his own way and does not like it when people tell him something he doesn't agree with.

of course that, and he likes to point out his know-at-all tendencies, sometimes, which can be useful when he's the sane one in the situation. I almost forgot he has a sense of humor...a dry, dark, sense of humor. and, he finds white magic to be a waste of time to learn since he sees it as worthless, contrary to what it's capable of.

over the course of the story, he's able to become more mature and accepting of white magic after mastering it. this was all without his mentor after he was gone for so long...well, for the true ending atleast

in the white ending, Ezainel had succumbed to the commands of the white order and became their ambassador, making him mostly the complete opposite of his rebellious self. now he was obedient and orderly as well as naive of the authoritarian crapsaccharine world he lives in.

in the black ending, the world had devolved into an anarchic world where the people dictate what happens. ezainel has became second in command to his mother, who uses him as her own personal dragon. he is ruthless as he is a bit psychotic and his mind has since slipped from sanity. the only thing keeping him alive is the bargain he made with Chavoira to in order to live in this realm.

Abilities: although he's by no means a child prodigy, he magic skills are a bit on the professional level. after becoming "god-marked" by Chavoira, the god of black, his black magic has risen tenfold. he now can wield more advanced levels and black magic, channeling it through his channelyst ( an object used for channeling magic into) to dish out melee attacks with his staff. later on he ends up getting god marked by orwha, god of white, increasing his white magic capability, to his displeasure.

after he meets with his step sister, he learns of gray magic, one of the rarest magic of this realm. he's slowly beginning to understand it but has yet to master that, too.

Weaknesses: after becoming a god marked, he got markings all over his right arm which is slowly draining him of his life energy. if he exerts too much magic, he might end up in a coma for awhile. secondly, although his white magic had increase in power, that doesn't mean his knowledge got better. he actually has much to learn if he's able execute white magic spells efficiently and not get people killed in the process. that, and the tendency for his magic to backfire in the wrong moments. with him being mostly a black magic user first and foremost, he is susceptible of being counterattacked by white magic users.

psychologically speaking, his complex can get the best of him since he feels like he can't save his mentor in time. he's constantly let down when some thing good arises but turns out to be a disappointment. with the additional baggage of two gods fighting over to assume control over him, it gets worse. he's in constant unease with them tempting him to either side, which can manifest in a screw up in his magic. I almost forgot to mention he has to deal with making sure the world doesn't have his head since he's one of the god marked? in addition, he cares deeply for his mentor although they get on each others' nerves and seeing him in harm's way makes him feel powerless.

p.s: on a trivial note, he has a specific fear of caves due to fact that as a child, some kids pranked on him by provoking a dragon (giant arachnid-reptile hybrids) in there. now he rarely goes there since. however, since it's a video game, he has to get over that fear for the player to enter the many cave like dungeons.

Goals: after he ends up getting his mentor trapped in the black dimension, he has to save him before it's too late. he also wants to know what ever happened to his father and mother, who went there separate ways when he was very young.

Motivation: he sees his mentor like a father figure and to see him gone pains him. and, he has to find answers as to why his parents had to left him, although in his father's case, it was to protect him from his mother who went insane from using black magic too much.

Role in the story: as usual, he's the main character, as well as a spectator of the many events occurring during the game.

Backstory:

as a young boy, his parents had left him with his aunt after he presumed they parted ways from each other. during his childhood, he was a bit of an outcast due to his interest in black magic, which was very rare in his town. kids whisper over their backs as they watch him reading stacks upon stacks of books on the history and analysis of it. his only friends were tito, a plump kid and Ioren, some tall kid with a laid back demeanor. they were the only few people who take an interest in his quirks and had been friends for a while. that didn't stop people from mistreating him sometimes. he even got pranked once, which caused his irrational fear of caves to arise.

in his preteen years, he inspires to became a powerful mage one day but his aunt asked why he's not walking his mother's footsteps to become paladin? he told her the white order was full of crud and wanted to join the school for the magically adept instead. his constant insisting finally got to her and he was off to enroll in it. it was there he met his mentor, Gallenor. at first, he praised young Ezainel for his obedience and willingness to obey. as he grow older, however, he become more rebellious and wanted to do things his own way. He wielded his magic staff like a melee weapon rather then what it was actually meant for. he refused to learn white magic and even did a few forbidden spells in secret, like summoning imps to cause mischief on people. and lastly, he was lazier than his mentor remembered. Gallenor thought he was being too easy on him and gave some vigorous assignments to do. It didn't do much to change his attitude. the last thing he told Ezainel to do was study on some techniques on white magic and on that faithful night, that's where it all happened.

and on that very night, something called to him. he got from his place of study and climbed up the stairs to a small room. lying on the table was a book with strange symbols on it with a black insignia resembling an eye. tempted by curiosity, he flipped open the book. inside were pages of spells he never heard before with some being blank. he stopped at one page in particular. unlike the rest, it was written in a language he could barely understand until he began to recite it under some strange trance. he heard the door slam open. his mentor tried to stop him but it was too late. a portal began to materialize in the room. a gathering of black blob like energy crept out of it and latched on to Gallenor's leg and dragged him into the portal. Ezainel tried to grab a hold of him but some bits of black energy latched on to his arm, causing him to let go of his mentor. he watched helplessly as his mentor was dragged inside the portal before it closed, leaving the young apprentice in an empty room with a book. he noticed that, after the incident, his right arm was covered in strange purple markings now, with a eye-like shape on the shoulder.

he now realized that his mentor was gone because of him. so, what should he do now? try to find someone who could help him, of course. and so his quest begins and how exactly who will save his mentor is unknown. but he must hurry now, god knows what will happen Gallenor, or himself.

Relevant Tropes:

• Black Mage: arguably this, as he prefers to use offensive spells to take down enemies swiftly and efficiently. with the added bonus of a staff he uses for melee combat, it isn't too hard unless he's dealing with a tough enemy to beat.

• Squishy Wizard: played with. He is no doubt has a low defense compared to his other party members, but that doesn't stop him from holding his own in close range combat. however, because of his lack of defense at first, he can get taken down quite easier with a few hits.

• Butt-Monkey: being a god-marked does not change the fact that he sometimes becomes the butt of some jokes. He's picked on him for being too much of a pretty boy and his party members only see him as the guy who heals them although he's a bit of a battle mage in actuality.

• Deadpan Snarker: if he's not freaking people out with his condition or beating the crap out of monsters, he's notably quite snarky. albeit, in a dark humorous way.

• Perky Goth: Ezainel isn't all gloom and doom, however. he's very lighthearted and just likes to joke around with his pals once and awhile.

• informed deformity: in the beginning of the game, a lot of npcs make comments on him being ugly, although he's somewhat attractive for a skinny guy. but that's due to the fact he's one of the few wielders of black magic. with the instances of fantastic racism against them, it's not surprising.

• Parental Substitute: Gallenor serves as this to some extent, which explains why Ezainel has to find him since he's the closet he had to a father.

• Disappeared Dad/Missing Mom: Ezainel hasn't seen his parents for a long awhile. the reason for that is simple. his dad was one of the mage medics that his mother had fallen in love with and after finding out she's been using black magic (which is forbidden for a paladin to use). the 2 had promise to keep a secret between them until they given birth to Ezainel. it came apparent that his mother was going insane as Chavoira was influencing her to do heinous acts. with no other choice, his father had to take him away somewhere safe so she wouldn't hurt him.
  • upon finding his dad, he's now the leader of the the rebellion of the gray, a freedom fighter group meant to stop the opposing sides from destroying the balance. they had some talking to each other and ezainel begins to bond with his father again. though, he's still mad that he left him behind and never told him what happened.

  • his mother ,however, is a much different case. she constantly enters his dreams in order to persuade him to join her side but refuses her every offer. it goes to the point that she sends black beast to hunt him down.

• Mark of the Supernatural: the tattoo on his right arm indicates that he is a god-marked and he was chosen by Chaviora to be their "champion". meaningless to say, he was both thrilled and pissed at the same time.

• Strong, But Unskilled: Ezainel is very powerful, but he still has alot to learn if the wants to control his newfound power.

• Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: Ezainiel could have finally gotten one of the portal crystals if he wasn't so dumb to hand it to Kander, who turned out to be a spy for the white order.

• Kung-Fu Wizard: in an addition to using his staff as a melee weapon, he knows a thing or two on kicking some butt.

• Mr. Fanservice: fits like a glove. He sometimes wears somewhat revealing attire but prefers to wear something tasteful.

• Third-Person Seductress: rare male example. although he doesn't provide too much fan service (not to alienate the presumed prudish audience), he can be this sometimes, especially with those tight pants he wears.
• Archnemisis mother: Ezainel's mother, oldorinel, turns out to be this, being the leader of a cult and all.

• And Your Reward Is Clothes: upon beating certain quest, you unlock new outfits for ezainel. some range from modest, to somewhat fanservicey, to smack dab in the middle. if you beat all endings on the archmage mode , you get the arch-mage armor, which is one of the more op outfit sets. add to that, it's pretty nice looking too.

• Chainmail Bikini: downplayed. some armor pieces might show some skin with some only bearing his midriff at best or showing his arms. most of them are sometimes form fitting as well.
• Character development: goes from being an immature trickster to a mature-for-his-age mage over the course of the game. if you picked the black ending, he would have became the second in command badass, dragon to his mother or in the white ending, a kind and remorseful ambassador of the white order.

• Armor and Magic Don't Mix: averted. Ezainel wears armor occasionally and it rarely impedes his magic prowess.

• Dark Is Not Evil: he wields the power of black magic but is surprisingly an alright guy, if you don't get on his bad side, that is. then, things get personal.

• Adaptational Wimp: in the manga and novel, he was slightly less badass than he is in the game but can still kickass. He eventually becomes even more badass in the second book.

• The Smart Guy: he's fairly intelligent for a kid his age. he never seems to put in good use, however.

(more shall be added)

edited 17th Apr '17 9:12:01 AM by ewolf2015

Doesn't the word "catalyst" already describe the term channelyst?

Name: Favian Nathaniel de Biville

Age: 17 years old

Personality: Is a somewhat shy person who can be very distrusting (but not hateful) towards strangers; is also very pleasant to those who he does like, and is a generally merciful person.

Abilities: He possesses a good amount of skill as a vampire hunter (close quarters combat, knowledge of vampire weaknesses, knows how to use crossbows, knives, swords, etc), and when exposed to vampire blood (especially from the vampire Rosali), enters a berserker rage in which all his senses and physical capabilities are enhanced.

Weaknesses: He is extremely dangerous to himself and his allies in his berserker rage. if in a violent situation, can potentially kill them if not restrained, something that takes supernatural strength (as it stems from vampiric power). If outside of a combat situation; he may manage to think enough through his rage to calm down; however, he will immediately pass out from exhaustion. If he is exposed to minute qualities of vampire blood but not enough to trigger his powers, he will instead experience gradually worsening amounts of pain.

His self-restraint and sanity slowly erodes if he doesn't consume enough human blood; he also needs both normal food and blood to survive; if he hasn't recently drank blood, he'll slowly overheat in sunlight.

Also, he doesn't have fangs.

Goals: What does he want to accomplish?

Motivation: Wants to stop the experimentation on vampires, humans, and other races by Cole Delsorla, a former associate empowered by a forgotten vampire-hating deity. While he initially wishes to imprison Cole, later on resolves to kill him.

Role in the story: Is the protagonist.

Backstory: Grew up in the capital of the kingdom he hails from; had a fairly pleasant family life, the youngest child in a family of two sister and one brother. His family is fairly well off.

Relevant Tropes: The Berserker, Blood Lust, With Great Power Comes Great Insanity, Because You Were Nice to Me

(The main reason he falls in love with the vampire Rosali was because she was the only person nice to him while he was captured by vampires, and merely wanted somebody to spend time with; she even brought him cake on his birthday.)

edited 16th Apr '17 1:23:58 AM by PastryPerson

not much to say for that? so, nothing really that wrong? i might take that as a grain of salt. but my bad for the mistake.

so far, this character actually intrigues me. i have yet to see his goals or nuances but overall i hope to see what more you bring.

so, anyone else? just to remind anyone, you don't always need to post a character after you critique.

edited 15th Apr '17 8:39:57 AM by ewolf2015

Honestly, I skimmed it; was in a hurry, hadn't eaten anything and wanted to cook some eggs

I'll go over it in depth and see what else I can tell you

...alright; the concept actually seems pretty solid; I'm liking everything I'm seeing.

edited 15th Apr '17 9:09:28 AM by PastryPerson

actually me too.

And what kind of concept exactly?

The concept of a yin yang bomb-er wielding contrary forces in order to achieve his own goals; I'm curious as to the god's motives and how they'll end up at the end of the story, as well as the fate of the mentor in the different endings

edited 15th Apr '17 9:59:25 AM by PastryPerson

well for good old gallenor, in the white ending, he's alive but he's now a prisoner for being associated with ezainel's mother.

in the black ending, he's more or less dead after Orwha had taken a hold of him during the boss battle.

in the true ending, he's more or less alive and well, albeit, he's in a coma after the events of the rejoining (since the gods were the split halves of Greuis, god of the grey).

for the gods, every 10 years, they choose several people to be their pawns in order to overtake the other. those "god-marked" are either unaware of this or at least accept this to some extent. if one was to go against this geas, they'll most likely die. ezainel is one of the few that ended up having 2 gods marked on him, which leads to some mishaps over who assumes control over him. sometimes, they are a few who end up being marked by the remaining essence of greius, which his father and his step sister have.