Hero Critique Thread (Because it's about damn time for this too!)

, You're supposed to review the previous character before submitting your own.

I am? Sorry, I missed that information. That's so typical of me. I'm reading something, and then I gloss over something important. Gaaah... Let's make a new try, shall we?

Luca sounds like a very complex character. It's hard to tell if we should like him or not, but I would never want to push one of that guy's Berserk Buttons! I would actually have a hard time having an anti-hero like that as my protagonist...

Here comes a description of one of my protagonists.

Name: Hanny Grebduza

Age: 15-16 years old in the first book, 18-20 years old in the second one.

Personality: Hanny is an intelligent non-conformist, who will often fight for the right thing.

Weaknesses: Hanny is not a Mary Sue (I hope), but still, it's hard to say if she has any real weaknesses. She has a phobia though about being out in the woods when it's dark outside.

Goals: Hanny refuses to become like her mother, who has become stuck in an unhappy marriage to an abusive alcoholic. She fights to graduate from (her country's equivalent of) High School, and she also is determined to not give up her forbidden love affair with her love interest Atreb, a slave.

Role in the story: Hanny is the protagonist of two different books.

Backstory: Hanny is born as an illegitimate child, which is considered shameful in her culture. She was three years old when her mother got married to a man, who turned out to be a Domestic Abuser. Hanny's story is really about her fighting for her right to decide for herself how she should live her own life.

Relevant Tropes:

• Blue Eyes: In a culture where the ideal is to have brown eyes, Hanny's blue eyes are considered a negative trait.
• Brainy Brunette: Hanny is the intelligent one, who gets an education and loves to read and write.
• Daughter Of A Whore: Hanny's mother wasn't really a prostitute, but having three children out of wedlock was considered a very shameful thing.
• Foolish Sibling, Responsible Sibling: To a modern audience, Hanny is the responsible Smart Gal and her sister Bella is the foolish Brainless Beauty. And that is also how their mother sees them. But to many people around them, Hanny is the foolish rebel, who is prepared to risk everything for her forbidden love affair with a slave, while Bella is the responsible daughter, who obeys her father and never causes any scandals.
• Masculine Girl, Feminine Boy: Hanny and her love interest Atreb kind of are this according to the standards of their culture. Hanny is an assertive proto-feminist, Atreb is a sensitive academic.
• Plucky Girl: Hanny is very reluctant to give up, and she can stand up to people like her abusive step-father.
• Sibling Yin-Yang: Hanny is the intelligent and rebellious proto-feminist, who dreams about changing the world for the better. Her sister Bella is a beautiful Girly Girl, who dreams about marrying a rich man.
• Single-Target Sexuality: Hanny never shows any interest in anyone else than Atreb. Neither does he show any interest in anyone else but her.

edited 13th May '14 9:24:27 AM by Furienna

And here comes the description of Lirla, Hanny's oldest daughter.

Name: Lirla Entsaza

Age: 15-16 years old in the first book, 18-20 years old in the second one.

Personality: Lirla is very much like her mother was at the same age (intelligent, plucky, assertive).

Weaknesses: Lirla can be too aggressive and too impulsive.

Goals: Lirla generally has a much better life than what her mother used to have, and to be honest, it's hard to say if she has a goal in her life. But still, she has to fight against prejudices (Lirla is not only the daughter of a former slave, but she also becomes pregnant before she's married). And she also tries to have a relationship with her love interest Mickel, despite how his stuck-up parents don't like her at all. She will later also become the first girl in her family to go to university.

Role in the story: Lirla is the protagonist of two different books.

Backstory: Lirla's parents have been able to give their children a nice upbringing, that they didn't get themselves. But still, Lirla is forever haunted by the fact that her father once was a slave. And it becomes especially difficult after she falls in love with Mickel, who's the only son in his posh aristocratic family.

Relevant Tropes:

• Fiery Redhead: Lirla is an assertive and impulsive girl, who can get into fights and stand up to people.
• Green Eyes: Lirla has the most unusual hair color and the most unusual eye color.
• Masculine Girl, Feminine Boy: Lirla and Mickel definately are this according to the standards of their culture. Lirla is assertive and impulsive, while Mickel is a sensitive painter and musician.
• Red Oni, Blue Oni: Lirla is an assertive and impulsive red, but her friend Abgyl, her sister Ijly and her cousin Pawlyn are all calm blues.
• Single-Target Sexuality: Lirla never shows any interest in anyone but Mickel, neither does he show any interest in anyone but her.
• Spirited Young Lady: Lirla is very much this, especially when she tries to be more "lady-like". But she can't hide her true fiery personality. It's not like she even wants to hide it.
• Tomboy and Girly Girl: Lirla is assertive and impulsive (which makes her seem tomboyish according to her culture), while her best friend Abgyl is docile and demure (more like a young lady should be). Lirla has a similar dynamic with her cousin Pawlyn as well.
• Tomboy with a Girly Streak: Even though Lirla is more "tomboyish" than most other girls in her social class, she's also the only one her in family to have pierced her ears and to ever wear make-up and corsets.
• Youthful Freckles: Just like many other redheads, Lirla easily gets freckles, especially when it's summer.

edited 25th May '14 6:15:38 PM by Furienna

Lirla seems fine to me. I like that she is more than just a tomboy and has that girly side, and some more complexity, but I'd give her just a bit more goal than being with her love interest. You have the university part, which is great, but is that also a huge goal of hers, or just a side thing? I think it would be interesting if the university and Mickel were both very important to her, so you see a bit more complexity. Although, that may be just me. Overall, I like her.

Name: Warren Riley

Age: 24 years old

Personality: When he's in his leadership mode, he comes off as pretty strict, emotionless, and almost mean; But outside of that, he is actually caring, funny, and complex. He is also rather ambitious and a bit of a control freak, yet will never kill anyone (himself, his followers can do what they want) and cares for his followers more than anything.

Abilities: His leadership abilities, he's also pretty smart and good with weapons.

Weaknesses: His personal conflict between wanting to lead and take command over the country in the story, while also dealing with his own personal scars and The Chains of Commanding.

Goals: Remove the (secretly) corrupt leader out of office and take over as the newer, better leader and fix what went wrong.

Motivation: He wants to end the corruption in their government and let the public know the truth; He also wants to lead.

Role in the story: Rebel Leader, Main protagonist for the time being

Backstory: He joined the rebellion when his dad got taken by the secret police for their secret needs and he and his little sister needed somewhere to go; He was fourteen at this time, and accidentally shot his mom, thinking she was one of the agents. He told his little sister that the police killed her and not him, and then they managed to find and be taken in by the rebels, and eventually became their leader.

Relevant Tropes:

• Thou Shall Not Kill- Not since he shot his mother
• Mr. Vice Guy- Struggles with greed and ambition
• Rebel Leader
• Being Personal Isn't Professional- Believes this
• The Chains of Commanding
• Badass Longcoat- Wears one, it was his father's, and it's still a bit large on him
• Ambition Is Evil- Worried that this might be true
• The Protagonist- Main protagonist of the story
• Big Brother Instinct- To where he believes that letting his sister think the world is all goodness and rainbows is better than letting her find out about the danger and possibly allow her to get hurt by dealing with these things.
• Sweet Tooth- He loves sugar.
• Oblivious to Love- Comes off this way in regards to the affections of his closest friend, at least to others; He actually cares for her a lot but is worried that love will distract him from his mission

edited 24th May '14 9:45:16 AM by Sibuna

I have now worked on Lirla's goals department, so it looks better (I hope).

edited 25th May '14 7:00:00 AM by Furienna

Looks better to me, because bringing up the prejudice opens new questions and problems for her in the story to overcome.

Good. I have to say that Warren Riley sounds good as well.

Thank you :)

Warren sounds lightly byronic to me, if nothing else. I like that he seems to hide the possibility of becoming something of a corrupt leader himself, with greed and ambition being the big things that secretly drive him. Also, paranoia? Warren, imo, has the potential to be a study in paranoia if you're going to take him that direction.

This one is one of the three viewpoint character from an old (and unfinished) story of mine, set in an almost-industrial era fantasy world.

Name: Deral Pashvic

Age: 25

Personality: The only things Deral personally cares about are himself, his younger brother, gold, and to some extent his friends. Used to be his mother, too, but she's long dead. He's the type too typical of former mercenaries; washed up, without a plan for future, and never too bright. The one thing he's good at, though, is finding the just right person to talk to or work for to get what he wants. A natural negotiator, he's survived to this day nearly entirely through use of the talent to appease people and make bargains. As it should be, because greed is his most powerful motivator.

Abilities: His ability to talk his way out, or talk someone into doing something for him. Far from being a manipulator, Deral is adept at striking a favorable deal, even if sometimes it gets him in trouble. He's also very determined on surviving, if that can count as a skill. Despite his mediocre combat skills and horrendous aim with crossbows and rifles, he always finds a way to come out alive and relatively intact. He's also always very aware of his surrounding.

Weaknesses: He's a coward. Pure and simple. Former mercenary and all that, and yet when it comes to actual dangerous situations, Deral can be one of the last people you can depend your life on. Then again, whether this is a weakness or a perk is subjective. He's survived this long because he's a coward, after all. He's also not very smart, and only educated in the most basic of things, like only enough to read his own name.

Goal: To make enough to get himself and his younger brother Dorel away from the Haven continent and the perpetual war waged by the two empires that rule it. Later, it became simply to survive.

Motivation: Deral wanted a better life for himself and his brother. Since this better life can only be attained through migration to other continents, he needed a large sum of gold in order to accomplish it.

Backstory: Born to a Prismiarian commoner woman and her soldier husband, whom he never once saw and died in one of the battles, Deral and Dorel were raised alone by their mother. When he's 14, his mother passed away, and, without a family to turn to, Deral has to choose between letting his brother and himself starve to death, or find a job. Anything. This landed him in the Alleighgren Mercenary Company, one of the 'reserve' companies under the Prismia Empire's paycheck. He'd continue to work for them for nearly ten years, but would never progress anywhere. When the realization hit him, he quit, and turned to smuggling rare wild animals for the nobles. While comparatively lucrative, the job's risky, and with his foolish friends associating themselves with the unsavory type such as the Silverbell Alliance, the infamous assassin guild of the empire, it seemed that he'd have to quit this one job too, and finally move away from this hellhole. But, as always, there's always time for one last job. One that promised huge reward, and something completely unexpected. Death, for his entire group, as it turned out their cargo wasn't a wild animal, but something far worse: the shadow creature. Only him and his partner, Rosendel Ize, survived the ordeal, and Deral, now infected with something unknown, suddenly became the target of a mysterious group bent on capturing him. The future didn't look bright for him, even after the Church in Pichcrawl City opened its door for the two of them and offered refuge. Even worse still, his brother, Doren, the one he always wanted out of harm's way, was now out looking for him, an act that would get him tangled in the web of conspiracies grander than they knew could have existed.

Tropes

And I Must Scream: The infection that got into Deral caused him to feel constant, excruciating pain. On top of that, it also caused him to hallucinate, as he experienced what claimed to be Larane, the Fourth Seraph herself, greeting him in a world of mirrors. Unfortunately, this infection had a side effect of not letting him die, no matter what.

Big Brother Instinct: Despite being a self-proclaimed coward, Deral would go to hell and back for his brother. He took hits for Doren, suffered many hardships, deadly jobs like mercenary work, even delved into crime, all for him, because his brother was the only person left that he held dear.

The Chosen: In a manner of speaking. This infection was an attempt to blanket the continent with shadow creature possession, in order to find the bearer of the Lakachia blood. Those with the Lakachia blood would respond to the possession, growing into what 'they' believe to be the key to humans and hybrids' solution to coexistence. Deral happened to be the only one possessed to also be the bearer of the blood.

Distressed Dude: Throughout his short journey with Rosendel, and his subsequent refuge under Sister Trabiz, sister superior of the Church of Nhak in Pichcrawl City, Deral remained almost entirely helpless. It's only near the very end that the possession violently assisted him in defending himself.

Non-Action Guy: Deral flat out sucks with weapons, and he's not even close to being a mage material. The only thing that allowed him to stay in the business for so long was his keen perception, allowing him to 'sense' danger.

One Last Job: What dragged him into this mess in the first place.

The Woobie: His life sucked despite his best effort to improve it, and it's not like he's ever done harm to anyone outside of the battlefield. After the event that resulted in his infection, it all seemed much worse.

edited 2nd Jun '14 9:37:26 AM by Arreimil

When I started reading, I didn't like Deral. There didn't seem to be anything likable there. But as I got further into his story, I felt more and more sympathy for him, to the point where his initial actions became rather "Fridge Logical in Hindsight". I'm not sure that was the effect you were going for, but it's nice all the same.

Name: Jenna St.James

Age: 28

Personality: Jenna is a paranoid and arrogant borderline misanthrope who dislikes humans and Transhumans fairly equally, vastly preferring her machines to living things. Consequently, she is hostile and awkward around others, using her technopathy to learn everything about those around her and using that knowledge to her advantage.

Abilities: She can mimic the abilities of any Transhumans through touch or take on the entire personality of a normal human.

Weaknesses: If she takes on another personality, it will eventually overtake her own. With Transhumans, she can only hold two abilities at a time, and will lose one should she try to take on a third. Also, she is physically vulnerable at all times.

Role in the Story: The Lancer

Backstory: Jenna was raised by her normal (but not fully human) parents alongside her older brother and sister. She was the only Transhuman in the family besides her maternal grandfather and mother and, while her parents loved her, they pushed her to hide her burgeoning abilities for most of her early childhood. Jenna grew to resent them, practicing her empathetic powers in secret and planning to get away as soon as possible. When a woman named Iona Ventura, a famous/infamous Transhuman with technomacy, came to Jenna's hometown of Boston, MA, Jenna saw her chance and snuck out to see her. Under the pretense of an autograph, an eleven-year-old Jenna was able to touch Iona's skin and gain her power. Pointing out that Iona couldn't let her run loose with the power to control machinery in the early 2000s, Jenna cajoled Iona into letting her go live with Iona in New York City, with Jenna's relieved parents' blessing. Jenna lived with and learned from Iona for seven years, coming to see the woman as a surrogate mother rather than an overbearing teacher. When Jenna was eighteen, Iona and her bodyguard were assassinated by the US government, due to Iona's continual blackmail of high racking officials. As a result, Jenna withdrew from the world, hiding in Iona's penthouse while giving small technological advice to various engineering companies; she was allowed to do so as she showed no signs of taking after Iona in accumulation of knowledge. After the July 4th incident, Jenna ended up bullying her way into a position as a tech consultant for the US government in exchange for more Transhuman rights. When the Renascence started attacking, Jenna was assigned to a team, Beta 3, to destroy the Renascence.

Relevant Tropes:

• Action Girl: Iona's bodyguard taught Jenna the basics of capoeira. She got very good at it.
• Blackmail: Her brains alone would have been enough to get her in the upper echelon of military clearance, but she likes to have back-up. On everyone. It makes her absolutely no friends on her own team and puts her at risk of being killed should the Renascence fold.
• Chrome Champion: Technically speaking.
• Combat Stilettos: Wears them regularly and gets made fun of for them just as often. Not so much when she steals Wren Summer's powers and can make them out of her own living-metal body.
• Combo Platter Powers: She can pick up any two powers at a time, sometimes ending up with weird mash-ups like Multipurpose Tongue and technomancy.
• Commander Contrarian: Jenna is often convinced that she is the smartest person in the room and acts accordingly.
• Confusion Fu: Jenna got the basics of capoeira, but her training wasn't finished when her teacher died. She filled in the gaps herself, to the Big Bad's frustration.
• Dance Battler: Naturally.
• Despair Event Horizon: Iona's death pushed her past it. It took her nine years to leave her house, and seven to speak again, afterwards.
• Deadpan Snarker: Only at her "boss", Kay.
• Discard and Draw: She can only have two powers at a time.
• The Empath: To humans, as they lack abilities. Oddly enough, being able to understand humans on an emotional level does not make her any more sympathetic towards them. It's often speculated by Beta-3's psychologist that Jenna's empath is not from understanding people, but from her lack of it.
• Eye Scream: Deals this out via her high-heels whenever she gets thrown into a fight.
• Kick Chick
• Pet the Dog: Jenna dislikes/fears most Transhumans/humans, but she does care deeply about her A.I. ( Eva ), refusing to let Eva into combat or be called an "it".
  • When Rick, a young man assigned to her sub-team and Bertram's little brother develops a crush on her, she tries to let him down much easier than she normally would as she knows his background, though she's personally kind of disgusted, him being a human-frog mutant.
• Red Oni, Blue Oni: The Red to everyone's Blue.
• Sinister Surveillance: She does it so the government can say that they don't. Of course, she tends to go past what's strictly necessary, gathering intel on her team members and using it against them regularly.
• Sour Supporter: She does not like people for the most part, but she is for Transhumans having rights.
  • Kay creeps her out, and then frustrates her after Kay's mind control is removed, but Jenna does have to admit that Kay gets the job done.
• The Spymaster: Jenna can tap into tech anywhere, anytime. She does need to sleep/fall unconscious sometime though, so she leads a team of loyal A.I. and not so loyal tech geniuses to do the work while she's otherwise occupied.
• Technopath: Since she was eleven.
• Token Evil Teammate: In a group that highly values human life, she stands out as the strategist who openly recommends rather immoral actions, such as a Zerg Rush as a distraction or outright murder, when she deems it necessary. To quote: "If I have to rip your throat out, Kay, I will."
• Unscrupulous Hero: Jenna is not a very moral person, her favorite weapon being blackmail or, failing that, a stiletto to the eye/brain. She does take umbrage with killing or letting people be mistreated when it isn't necessary.

edited 14th Jun '14 11:56:28 PM by UmLovely

After reading your villains from this story, I'm glad to finally meet a hero from there...even if she isn't quite what I expected. Jenna's a great Anti-Hero, though I have to admit she put me off a little with her amoral nature and willingness to do nasty things for the greater good (I'm a massive Hypocrite in that sense; I have several characters like that and I think they're cool). But on further reading, I can understand her mindset, sort of—you didn't come right out and say it, but it looks like her mentor Iona's death is what made her into the person she is now and inspired her distrust of other human beings, normal and...not so normal. Her powers are pretty cool too.

edited 15th Jun '14 10:32:53 AM by Swordofknowledge

This isn't exactly a character, but a race of beings from an old Orwellian Dark Fantasy Steampunk story Clockwalkers. I have to admit that I'm a little uncomfortable putting an entire race of beings in a "heroic" catagory, but since I already put the entire dragon species for this same story in the Villains section...oh well. This profile mainly is here because I have several heroic characters belonging to this race so I wanted to give it some background.

• Name: Nuriel

• Age: Due to the harsh nature of their existence within Ylati's borders, the natural limits of a nuriel's lifespan are unknown, as many die unnatural deaths. It is known that they live significantly longer than humans; the oldest nuriel encountered within the story is over two hundred years old and showed no signs of weakness or infirmity, suggesting longevity similar to dragons.

• Appearance: Nuriel are gray-skinned humanoids. Their brains are bigger than those of humans, resulting in large heads, slightly disproportionate to their bodies. They tower over most other races, with adults being seven feet tall despite a hunched over, ape-like posture. Their arms are actually slightly longer than their bodies and their five fingers end in razor sharp claws, though most are ordered by their human masters to file these down to almost nothing. They are heavily muscular by default, with short but powerful legs ending in clawed feet. Nuriel are born naturally inter-sexed, but become distinctly male or female around ten or eleven years old. Many of them have Barbarian Long Hair.

• Personality: Many nuriel are resigned to their lot in life as slaves to the human citizens of Ylati. Even though they accept the state-sponsored explanation—that their race caused the magical disaster that left the world mostly uninhabitable, and they are “atoning” for that long-ago atrocity—they privately sneer at the idea that they should suffer for their ancestors' sins. Nearly all of them hate their human owners, and their obedience is not from "repentance" but terror of the punishment for any sort of uprising. These believe that it is better to endure humiliation and discrimination from the humans than suffer for striking back. Even so, some revolt in subtle ways, such as doing tasks incorrectly or breaking objects important to their owners, or simply trying to learn more about the history and culture of their people before the Rain. Truly defiant individuals not only question the justification for their race's slave-status but openly rebel against the system in hopes of attaining freedom for their people by whatever means necessary. These rebels will commit acts of violence against humans—sometimes wantonly—and merely laugh at being painted as "enemies of the state", stating that the Kingdom was never their friend to begin with. Nuriel are the only race left on Rica who worship Goddess Zalakshi, believing themselves to be the ones "closest to her".

• Abilities: Despite their size they are both graceful and extremely agile, more so than the most nimble human. Combined with their long arms and finger-claws, they are capable of easily scaling vertical surfaces within seconds. When moving in a forest, nuriel can easily outrun horses, humans and even the forest-dwelling elves, moving at over nineteen miles an hour by swinging and leaping from tree to tree. Their claws and length of their arms can keep an opponent away from their vital points in a battle. Though their speed is reduced when on level ground, they are capable of jumping over ten feet in the air above their enemies. Nuriel can heal cuts, bruises and broken bones hours and sometimes minutes after receiving them, depending on their severity. They can even regenerate lost limbs, though this takes at least two days. It is subtle, but living things seem to do better in their presence. This is especially true of plants, which is why their dwellings are almost always overgrown. This is because they overflow with Life Energy, almost to the point of being made of it.

• Weaknesses: Nuriel have a severe phobia of fire, shrinking away from it and all but refusing to go near it at all and many break down at the mere sight of it. Fire does more than cause fear in them—it retards their Healing Factor to the point that fire-inflicted wounds take years to even begin to heal. Their speed is significantly reduced when on a flat level surface, slowing down to a human level. However their main weakness is psychological. They have been raised in a culture of slavery for their people for over seven thousand years, it is hard for many of them to see that there is a way out and they fear the brutality humans inflict on those who rebel and try to seek freedom.

• Goals:
  • Many want to simply survive their day-to-day lives and ensure as best a life possible for those they care about. Others want to either force the Kingdom of Ylati acknowledge them as citizens with rights and freedoms, and if that fails, topple the government and form a new one which will.

  • Later their goal as a whole becomes not to die when the Big Bad's ancient plan to convert all of them to pure Life Energy and absorb them into itself is revealed.

• Motivation:
  • For those obedient or simply resigned: Not be punished or sold to either a worse owner or to the Kingdom itself, where they will become "public property" and put to work on state projects.

  • For the rebels: They want a better life for themselves and for their offspring so they won't have to live in a world where they will be forced to serve others merely for being what they are.

• Role in the story: A Slave Race for humans living in the Kingdom of Ylati. Living Macguffins for the villains running things behind the scenes.

• Backstory: The nuriel race’s backstory is largely unknown due to their culture and history being eradicated when they were taken to Ylati as slaves. The Green Dragon states that the nuriel originated in a land of mists and titanic trees, far from the continent containing Ylati, the Atnar forests, and the dwarf kingdom. These trees, hundreds of feet tall, were their homes, and they traversed the branches sometimes not seeing the ground for decades at a time. Seven thousand years ago a war broke out between the nuriel race and the magic-using human Empire of Sinestel when it sent ships across the sea and attempted to explore and colonize the nuriel’s forests. Sinestel’s warrior-mages were useless, against the nuriel's agility and knowledge of the land. The warriors fell prey to the fast, agile creatures and were soon decimated. At some point the Empress Los demanded a way to kill them from the Denizen of the Mirror, an enslaved magical entity that provided her with arcane knowledge. Using her dependence on it, the Denizen tricked Los and Sinestel’s magic-users into summoning a rain of flaming stones that destroyed most of the world and damaged the planet’s Ley Line network, causing magic to disappear and forming mutagenic, reality-breaking Miasma from the spilled energy of the billions of deceased. Human survivors from other nations, commanded and tricked by the Denizen—now calling itself Azelas after a servant who had befriended it—stormed the nuriel’s forests and took hundreds of them captive, transporting them in ships to Sinestel’s ruins across the sea, where they would be enslaved in the country now calling itself Ylati.

• Relevant Tropes

• Absurdly Sharp Claws: Nuriel claws are incredibly sharp and can cut through flesh and bone like scalpels. It is for this reason that humans force many to file down their claws to useless nubs, as it both prevents the actual threat of human injury (accidental or intentional) and it just looks "less threatening".

• The Ageless: Nuriel reach adulthood at age twenty. However they show no signs of aging afterwards, and apart from things like hair growing and claws lengthening, they show no signs of change either. Furthermore no nuriel has ever been recorded dying of old age. One of the nuriel characters, Natalia, is over seventy five years old and apart from the knowledge and experience that comes with her age, she shows no signs of deterioration or infirmity. Later it is confirmed that they are this when a two-hundred year old individual shows up. However they are all too vulnerable to injury and disease and can be slain by both.

• All Trolls Are Different: They are the version of trolls for Clockwalkers. Interestingly enough, "troll" is a Fantastic Slur against them, which many find so offensive that even extremely racist humans won't use it in mixed company.

• Alien Blood: Nuriel don't really...bleed. Instead a sort of bluish luminescent mist expels itself from wounds that break the skin. It has been noticed that living things such as plants touched by this are greener and some actually start flowering.

• Amazonian Beauty: All nuriel females are this, as they are heavily muscled by default—though the "beauty" part applies only to other members of their species and Niccolo.

• And I Must Scream: Their bodies are able to be broken down into raw Life Energy and absorbed into the body of another individual to extend that person's life. However even in this state they are fully aware of what has happened to them and that there is no way for them to die or escape—it is the ultimate form of enslavement. However this can only be done if the person is willing to do such a thing and possess the right knowledge of the spell to do so. Azelas plans to do this to the entire nuriel race living in Ylati and has been using the country as a breeding ground to expand their numbers so that it will be able to "harvest" the maximum number when the conditions are right. Cornelius Jinnette did this to his nuriel cellmates in the Red Prison he was imprisoned in, to heal his failing health and extend his life, and boost his powers. However this was entirely voluntary on their part, as they were his friends and were awaiting execution—and they wanted to be there when he helped change the country. So in a way that example was more an Emergency Transformation.

• The Atoner: Subverted. The reason for their slavery to the humans of Ylati is supposedly because their ancestors destroyed the world by causing the Rain. Thus it is perfect justice that they are forever subservient to the human race, one of the few surviving victims of that terrible time. In reality, Azelas caused the Rain by manipulating the people of Sinestel and then conned the remaining humans about the cause, in order to create a "farm" of nuriel with humans acting as its guard dogs to prevent them from leaving until conditions were right for it to break them down into energy and absorb them.
  • Even if this story about them causing the end of the world was true, many nuriel balk at the idea that they should suffer eternally for something their predecessors did seven thousand years ago.

• Barbarian Long Hair: The hair on their heads grows extremely quickly, thus many of them have this. They usually tie it back or work it into many braids or decorate it with ornaments.

• Because You Were Nice to Me: The dragons still living on Rica are proud, haughty creatures with serious Blue-and-Orange Morality. However they are willing to destroy Ylati and slaughter its human population to rescue the entire nuriel race from Azelas and the Inner Circle's plans. Why is this? Because long ago the nuriel saved their race from a Mystical Plague that would have decimated them.

• Bizarre Alien Biology: Nuriel are born with both male and female traits. As they age one set of traits slowly atrophies while the other set grows more pronounced until they are either a conventional male or female by age ten or eleven. They don't bleed but instead expel a bluish mist from their wounds, which has been observed to accelerate plant growth on several occasions, and the limits of their life-spans are entirely unknown. However, one of the few dignities given to the nuriel by the Ylatain government is that no doctor or intellectual is allowed to study them. Of course many have done so in private to their own slaves (including some actually buying slaves just to study them). But these studies have never been published and their authors, if found out, have met strange and mysterious ends.

• The Chosen One: They believe that they are the "closest" to Goddess Zalakshi, though their civilization (and thus much of its myths and culture) is so fragmented and shattered that none of them even know what this means anymore, merely using it as a catchphrase or a comfort. On a nastier level, they are the "chosen" of Azelas, the creature planning to use their energy to create a soul for itself. This actually ties into their mention of being closest to Zalakshi— they are the real first race Zalakshi created, meaning that their bodies are made of the same energy that composes the souls of everything on Rica.

• Creepily Long Arms: Their arms are noticeably longer than their bodies, meaning that their fingertips drag across the ground when they walk. This along with their claws make sense, as they come from a land of massive trees and swinging across the branches of those trees like primates was their primary mode of transportation.

• Does Not Like Shoes: Many of them do not wear shoes, which allows them to use the claws on their feet to aid in climbing. However this is minor when one understands that they didn't even wear clothes in the days before their race's enslavement.

• Fantastic Ghetto: All Ylatain cities and towns are set up with an area of human habitation called an Up-Town and that is then divided based on the class of the citizens. Mid-Town is the commercial sector where shops and businesses are located. End-Town is the very last area, a vast and dilapidated area for nuriel families whose owners allow them to live independently from their properties. Despite the run-down nature of the place, it is considered a great honor and symbol of trust to be allowed to live there.

• Fantastic Racism: Many humans have this towards them, and while the elves and dwarves don't believe they should be enslaved, they too dislike them and haven't lifted a finger to aid them at all. This all stems from the state-sponsored story that Ylati circulates in its history about who is responsible for the Rain. They are all rather unsettled when it is revealed to be a lie spread by the Ancient Conspiracy running the country.

• Fragile Speedster: Nuriel possess unrivaled speed within a forested setting. Experienced combatants don't even bother chasing them into a wooded area and instead wait for them to come out on flat land rather than waste time on a useless chase. However nuriel are easily overwhelmed by sheer numbers and unless wearing armor, they cannot stand many direct blows even with their Healing Factor.

• Good Thing You Can Heal: Their accelerated regeneration allows nuriel to shrug off damage relatively quickly. This makes them ideal workers for projects deemed too dangerous for comparatively fragile humans such as fixing unstable mines, ascending high places when building tall towers, etc.

• Green Thumb: Sort of. Plants seem to just do better around them; thus their homes and End-Towns are almost always overgrown with vegetation of some sort. The first nuriel made by Zalakshi created the forest that is their home and its gigantic trees by focusing this power.

• Half-Human Hybrid: Humans can interbreed with nuriel, though it is extremely rare. The results are not pretty at all however—the children born from such unions favor humans more than their nuriel parent, but are grotesquely deformed and though they are capable of surviving, many...don't.

• Healing Factor: Their regeneration allows them to heal cuts and bruises and even broken bones within minutes to hours and even lost limbs are replaceable within a few days. The only thing exception is heat-related wounds such as fire or even something like hot liquid or objects. These take longer to regenerate. Part of the reason for the "death-chip" system is because merely threatening them with violence wouldn't be enough of an incentive to force them to follow orders and using fire risks inflicting fatal damage and depriving the human race of a perfectly viable worker.

• La Résistance: Two hundred years prior to the start of Clockwalkers a nasty nuriel slave-revolt led to the formation of the resistance group calling itself Helios. It was regarded as a dangerous nuisance by most of the Kingdom, stirring up revolts and rebellion and acting as a guerrilla force that constantly bedeviled the martial service (military) of Ylati...until fifty years before the story's start, they attacked the North Quadrant with a massive force, slaughtered or drove away the human citizens, killed its overseer (who happened to be a member of the Inner Circle) and his family, and seceded from Ylati, creating a "free nuriel nation".

• Living Macguffins: They are targeted by the villains because "eating" them using a Black Magic ritual will grant immortality and vast magical powers to whoever does so. The Inner Circle, the real power behind the Kingdom of Ylati has worked for thousands of years to turn Ylati into a Place of Power to essentially force-feed nuriel Life Energy to all human inhabitants of the Kingdom, creating a utopia of "perfect beings". What they don't understand is that they are being used by Azelas who originated the plan so that it could consume all the power for itself and gain a soul and freedom from the spell binding it to the ancient city that created it.

• More Teeth than the Osmond Family: Nuriel's teeth structure is similar to humans, but they have wider mouths and a greater number of teeth than any human.

• My Brain Is Big: Their brains are larger than those of humans, elves and dwarves, resulting in large heads disproportional enough to their bodies to be unsettling. However this doesn't really affect their intelligence in any visible way, as they seem to have the same range of intellect as any other race.

• No Body Left Behind: When nuriel do die, their body shreds away into a flood of the same glowing blue mist that leaks from their wounds when their skin is broken. This also goes for any limbs that have been removed; they also disintegrate into nothing within minutes of being separated from the main body.

• Pure Magic Being: They are literally the first sentient race the Goddess Zalakshi made when she created life on Rica, thus they are the most "rudimentary" of all her creatures. While all inhabitants of Rica have a flesh and blood body and a soul made of Life Energy that "anchors" them to the physical plane, nuriel are entirely composed of that energy, soul AND body. That is why mortals can consume them with the proper magic in order to become immortal, and why doing so gives otherwise soulless creatures an anchor to the physical plane.

edited 20th Nov '14 6:22:51 PM by Swordofknowledge

It's an interesting concept, but I'm massively confused as to how a race with such physical prowess as they have were even conquered by humans to begin with. Did they use fire to subdue them? Superior technology? From the looks of it, the humans suffered a massive defeat just prior to taking the nuriel captive; how did they manage to do that if they were recovering from so great a loss?

Anyway, this is a character concept I've been mulling around recently for a Lord Of The Rings fanfic called The Iron Orc of Mordor. I do take^note quite a number of liberties with the canon here, so keep that in mind.

• Name: Overlord Shongar later Emperor Shongar

• Age: Indistinct, though he's between 20 and 30. He's one of the few non-artificial orcs around after the defeat of Sauron.

• Personality: Unusual for his people, Shongar is a thinker. During the War of the Ring he was notable among Uruk-hai commanders for being rather reserved in his tactics, often being the "last to attack and the first to retreat." However, this does not stop him from being brutal and ruthless; he tends to favor singular, vicious, decisive attacks, rather than the Zerg Rush attacks his peers are more comfortable with. Since the defeat of Sauron, Shongar, like many orcs, has struggled with some of the atrocities he committed during the war, though he never really questioned them at the time. As a result, he detests Sauron and everything he stands for, even establishing his capital where Sauron was destroyed and naming it "Sauron's Fall." However, he holds an even lower opinion of men and elves, who, he believes, view his race as nothing but a pest to be exterminated from Middle-Earth.

• Abilities: Much as he was ridiculed for "cowardice" and "fear" for his reserved tactics during the war, Shongar was undeniably successful. He was the captain of the unit that successfully eliminated Prince Theodred at the First Battle of the Fords of Isen; unlike most of the rest of the orcs, who were charging headlong into the fray, Shongar's orcs kept their primary mission in mind and hung back until they could make a beeline for the prince. He is very objective-oriented and a shrewd tactician. His status as a survivor of both the Hornburg and Isengard^note He actually managed to pull his entire unit back to Isengard after the disaster at the Hornburg; immediately seeing that his enemies were not pursuing the fleeing orcs and deducing it was a trap, he had his soldiers take an alternate route. Unfortunately for them, they could not escape the rout that was the Battle of Isengard. shed light on his adaptability and survivalism. He is also a skilled and brutal fighter himself, and does not exaggerate when he claims that dozens of elves and men fell to his sword.

• Weaknesses: Shongar is proud. Very proud. He views his use of deft tactics as making him superior to other orcish commanders and thinks it justifies his claim as the ruler of all orc-kind. Additionally, he suffers from a bad case of Revenge Myopia; bizarrely, he views the atrocities committed by the orcs during the War of the Ring as justification for his ruthless war of conquest across Middle-Earth. He reasons that elves and men despise orcs wholeheartedly after the war and they could never be convinced otherwise; they'll be looking for any chance to strike the surviving orcs down, hence necessitating a preemptive strike against them. He is also plagued by PTSD following some of the stuff he did under Sauron's sway; most notably, he killed a boy no older than nine without hesitation at the Hornburg. In his own words, "That man-cub's face haunts every one of my dreams, turning even the most pleasant into nightmares."

• Goals: Stake out a real kingdom and homeland for his people, the orcs, and show the races of Middle-Earth that they are a force to be reckoned with. While that is his primary goal, he also has his sights firmly on Rivendell and Gondor as places to trample with his war machine.

• Motivation: After the end of the War of the Ring, the formerly united orcs fell into disarray. They lurked in forests and caves as common bandits and scavengers and generally were laughably irrelevant on a global scale. Shongar, however, saw bigger things in store for his people. He envisioned a future where orcs had their own nation, united as a force but free from the sway of evil. He envisioned a future where the orcs had risen up and overthrown their "destiny" to be used as pawns and then discarded when no longer useful. Screw Destiny is a major part of Shongar's personal philosophy and that of those who follow him — which, by the end, includes virtually all orcs.

• Role in the Story: The unifier of the scattered orcish warbands into a single cohesive force. He is the conqueror of Gondor and Rivendell and the first orc crowned as Emperor of Mordor (a title retained by his successors even after the orcs leave Mordor for good).

• Backstory: Shongar was one of a few Uruk-hai living near Mordor when Sauron began to manifest and begin his preparations for the War of the Ring. When Sauron returned fully to begin the war, he put Shongar and the rest of the living orcs under a form of quasi-mind control^note It's complicated; suffice to say, the orcs had much less free will than they thought they did, and they were instilled artificially with a fervent loyalty to Sauron and began to crank out huge numbers of artificial ones. Shongar made a name for himself on the battlefield and rose quickly in the ranks, enough to be the equivalent of an officer by the time the first real battles began. He is a veteran of several battles, including the Hornburg (a.k.a. Helms Deep), the Fords of Isen, and Isengard (where he was one of only a dozen-odd orc survivors). Saruman's death, however, loosened the grip Sauron had on their minds, and they began to think clearly for the first time in years. Disgusted by their actions fighting for Sauron, but unwilling to slaughter their own brethren, Shongar and the other survivors of Isengard fled into the wilderness. When they felt their minds were finally free entirely, they knew Sauron had been destroyed, and they reveled in their slaver's destruction.

Will add relevant tropes later. I'm le tired.

edited 19th Jun '14 3:50:35 PM by somerandomdude

He looks like an interesting case of Heel-Face Turn, even if it doesn't sound like a complete one, considering Shongar still sounds very much a villain (but in this case maybe a villain protagonist or an antihero?). While I'm not very much into Lot R as a whole (read Fellowship, didn't like it much, short attention span, etc etc.), I still think this kind of perspective, specifically from a former minion turned free, can be refreshing to see.

Now, this one is from a short, unfinished story of mine, set in a pre-industrial fantasy world. I already posted the villain from this story, so here goes the hero.

Also note that in this case 'witch' is synonymous with 'outlaw mage'.

Name: Adept Class Witch Hunter, Marbel Volen, 'The Child'

Age: 33

Personality: In the modern day, Marbel'd be labeled a clinically depressed individual. He's nothing short of suicidal, completely self-destructive despite appearing cool and collected. He has a terrible habit of ignoring nearly everyone that he doesn't have o directly deal with, choosing only to converse with, and even acknowledging the existence of, a selected few, mostly his close colleagues or whoever he has to work with at the time, and on top of that he displays a penchant for snarking, like an aspiring sarcastic asshole. Even then this facade is slowly breaking down and it shows, him being increasingly unstable and violent each day. Alcoholism and and addiction to narcotics don't help the matter much, either.

Abilities: Like all fleis, mutants with immense natural magical aptitude but frail, nearly alien physique, Marbel is an incredibly powerful mage, capable of what most call 'raw magic', or an incantation method that foregoes calculations and formulae required by traditional spells and instead directly manipulate the elements using sheer force of will. What sets him apart, though, is his mental strength, being so strong that he develops telepathy, a feat so rare it was previously thought to exist only in theory. Marbel can access an individual's memory, see through their perspective, feel their emotions, 'assume' their identity even, but only when he wishes to, as he can 'turn off' this mental connection as he pleases.

Weaknesses: The aforementioned telepathy also comes with the nasty side effect of getting him too 'immersed' with his victim. Seeing through their eyes, thinking their thoughts, feeling what they feel at the instant, overtime it erodes the fine line that separates his identity from his victims'. Being a flei, his body is also physically frail. His bones break easily, and most wounds, even the smallest ones, heal more slowly than those on a human.

Goal: Initially, to die, or at least to be free of the nightmares that haunt him. When the Faust case, the one where a retired Adept Class witch hunter was brutally murdered, turned up, it became Marbel's goal to catch the culprit, feeling that somehow, this particular event was connected to him, that he was 'called' by whoever was behind the murder.

Motivation: Marbel simply wants out. While he serves the Witch Hunt Association out of a twisted sense of self-loathing, his mental integrity can only take so much hunting his own kind and being the worst kind of 'interrogator' imaginable. In the end, Marbel wants an end to his descent into madness.

Role: The main protagonist.

Backstory: He was told that he had parents. Not that Marbel knew of them, or if it'd make a difference, him being raised by the Institute, like nearly all flei children on the continent sent here at only a few months old, to be properly trained and controlled. Fleis are hated and feared everywhere, but at least in Anzus Institute of Sorcery, they are properly leashed and employed to do what they do best. At the age of ten it was found that Marbel possessed a unique gift, telepathy, which caused an uproar within the Institute. Many wanted him studied, many wanted him dead or at least purged of all magical capability for safety, many wanted him to be their agent. By the end of the dispute, the Witch Hunt Association, a subsect of the Institute, seemingly won, and Marbel was inducted into it, trained to be a hunter. Like most fleis working for the Association, he's a capable hunter, proving to be a valuable asset in their fight against outlaw mages and, more dangerously, those who dabble in Kij magic, or channeling of the chaos energy. Telepathy, through years of training, became his most dangerous weapon, allowing him to stay ahead of his enemies, and to forcefully extract their knowledge, an ability that helped the Association take down several elusive circles of witches and dangerous individuals. It took only a few years though for Marbel to start losing grip of his coherence, as he began to confuse, in a way, the memories and thoughts of those he interrogated and his own. There were nightmares, auditory hallucinations, thought lapses, each one worse than the last. He resorted to ale and whisky, a terrible idea considering his weak body, and eventually, the ruby dust, a form of strong, highly illegal narcotic. Needless to say, this only served to break down whatever integrity he had left, which led to him trying to shoot himself in the head. Through intensive medical care, helped by him being a horrible shot with guns, even at point blank, Marbel survived, but with much worse psyche to work with. Considering retirement and voluntary purging, he accepted to investigate the Faust murder case, one believed to be connected to three other murders of high ranking hunters, out of the feeling, without evidence or even justification, that it might be related to him somehow. He's right, in a way.

Tropes

Asexual: Marbel's a he, but that's because labeling a flei according strictly to what they look like can be confusing. Flei males and females are only marginally different, mostly in the genitalia aspects. They are otherwise very similar, deathly thin, blue skin, and completely infertile. In fact, they don't have a proper reproductive system at all, or even the ability to have sex.

Death Seeker: Is this to some degree.

Fantastic Racism: Fleis are generally hated and feared by the people all over the world, being basically mutants. Fleis of the Haven continent are required to be sanctioned by Anzus, and each one registered and runed, so that they may be tracked and easily eliminated if they turn rogue. Even fleis working for Anzus aren't exempted from this, being viewed as subhumans with more power than they should rightfully have. Marbel is especially subject to this, being one of the more powerful, and this aspect of his life fuels his self-loathing so much that he eventually becomes a ruthless witch hunter.

Hunter of His Own Kind: Marbel excels at hunting witches and outlaw fleis precisely because he hates himself as a flei so much. Years of childhood abuses and discrimination by other children and adults alike led him to hate the mutants. Jealousy also fuels this hatred, as the outlaw mages and fleis represent a sort of 'freedom' he could never have, power without responsibility and prejudice that come with it. They represent what he wants to be but could not.

Imaginary Friend: He has a 'guardian angel', a female figure that exists in his mind, who always comfort him. Marbel acknowledges that she isn't real. She's his mother, Matheld Chandler, or rather, his fracture of memory of her pre-mindwipe

Loss of Identity: Those whose minds he delved into have over time become parts of him, despite Marbel's effort not to allow this. 'Those' include some of the most depraved witches on the continent. For example, he still has a vivid memory of an outlaw serial killer lifemage(a mage dealing in medical matters) who killed and mutilated children in the most gruesome ways. He also has visions and nightmares of many things that don't make sense to him, but feel as though they stem from events he took part in. This is the remnants of his pre-mindwipe memory of his mother

Mind Rape: This is Marbel's specialty. Not only is he an efficient interrogator, able to extract all sorts of information from the witches the Association holds captive, he also delights in tormenting them by messing with their memories and emotions, many times leaving them husk of humans (or fleis) incapable of continue living. This sadistic tendency worries other hunters and his superiors. Sadly, in the long run this proves to be as unhealthy for him as it is for his victims.

Mindwipe This is in fact what happened to him during his childhood. He had a mother, a loving and caring one, but as witch she has hunted and killed, and Marbel, a flei child seemingly with potential, was inducted by the Institute, where the experimental mind wiping process was used on him. Suffice to say, the process was incomplete. His mental breakdown has a lot to do with this.

Sadist: Marbel takes pleasure in tormenting the Association's captives. Some of his interrogations result in the captives' death at his hand.

Well-Intentioned Extremist: In a way. Marbel wholeheartedly believes that his kind and the outlaw mages, and more importantly demons, are dangerous and should be controlled if not eradicated. This changes completely when he found out that his mother was in fact a witch, a benevolent one at that, and that the Association mindwiped him in order to create this Marbel Volen they could use.

Telepathy: What sets him apart from other fleis.

edited 6th Jul '14 8:58:08 PM by arreimil

Name: Guy LaMontagne

Age: 14

Personality: Helpful, Friendly, Witty, Protective of friends, Persistent

Abilities: Able to summon a Demon (in this setting, Demons are more like Animated Armor than anything else), pretty good with a sword

Weaknesses: Not very well-protected

Goals: Find out and stop whoever is responsible for all the supernatural goings-on

Motivation: The people he cares about are at risk because of said supernatural goings-on

Role in the story: He's the protagonist, and fills up the niche of The Leader eventually

Backstory: His upbringing is mostly irrelevant; the most important thing being that his father, a soldier in the Army, died while his mother was pregnant with him. He ends up moving to this suburban town in central California. On his first night there, he has a dream wherein he eavesdrops on a meeting among the setting's Powers That Be. He makes some friends, accidentally solves a murder case, and ends up deep in a mess of mystery, demons and responsibility.

Tropes

Aliens in Cardiff: The town he lives in is totally unremarkable except for the fact that it's the portal between our universe and that of the Demons.

Character Development: A while after becoming The Leader, he slowly starts to crack under the pressure that entails. However, dealing with this strengthens him.

Determinator: In both combat and mystery solving; there are a lot of rough spots he pushes through to solve his problems for good.

Earn Your Happy Ending: He has to, and does so.

Glass Cannon: He can kick ass in a fight, but can't take too many hits himself.

Katanas Are Just Better: He wields one.

Mama Bear: Inverted; he's fiercely protective of his mother.

Seen It All: Weary Traveler type after familiarizing himself with the supernatural world.

The Lancer: He fills this role early on.

The Leader: He becomes this after the previous leader of the party steps down and becomes his right-hand man. Deconstructed eventually.

The Generic Guy: Before he begins to develop as a character.

edited 6th Jul '14 9:32:25 PM by Inceptiond

Wow. Marbel is a seriously tortured and messed-up individual, that's for sure. I feel bad for him...like, really bad for some reason. Perhaps its because he belongs to such a frail and fragile race, not to mention his powers and mental trauma...yeesh. Anyway, he certainly is a well thought out character. If I remember correctly, the Demon Matheld summoned is seeking this poor guy out in order to...understand humanity, I think? I'm curious to find out what happens when they meet, especially after he found out the truth about his origins.

Guy seems pretty interesting. I'd like to know more about the world he lives in, but you seem to be doing pretty well with him as a character. If he can summon a Demon like armor, is it sort of a mech vs mech battle in this world then?

edited 6th Jul '14 10:20:50 PM by Swordofknowledge

No, not really. Guy's Demon (a Familiar) is different from normal ones, which are independent and not able to be summoned. Shoulda included that in the description...

Summoner-v-summoner battles don't happen because all six of them happen to be working together.

edited 6th Jul '14 10:59:11 PM by Inceptiond

This is a roleplay character that I've been rolling with for a while. Just wanted to gather some opinions.

Name: Jiyeon "Chloë" Song

Age: 27

Personality: Chloë usually is amiable with a dry sense of humor and isn't afraid of teasing her teammates. She is bisexual but doesn't really seem too interested in intimate relationships in general. This is most likely because of her celibacy, as in her current position she believes that romantic and sexual relationships are impractical and only serve as a distraction. She is happy to do things like cook for other people, and will throw herself into the line of fire to protect her friends.

However, on the other side of the coin, Chloe is cold and professional, disdainful of those she sees as either weak or unable to take the situation seriously. She doesn't have many close friends despite the loyalty and commitment to her task force and the [[wiki/SCPFOUNDATION Foundation]]. She's got a cruel, sociopathic streak that comes up when she's under duress, and doesn't really care about some of the awful things she's forced to do, preferring to laugh it off and jokingly acknowledge that she is a "terrible person".

Abilities: No supernatural abilities here, but Chloë is a physically fit human being with all of the pluses that entails, along with her extensive training as a combat diver, her knowledge of hand-to-hand fighting, her expert marksmanship and urban combat training. Besides her training, she has extensive field experience working as a Field Agent, and a Mobile Task Force Operative for two years. Beside her experience and training within the Foundation, Chloë has been part of the Republic of Korea Marine Corps for six years prior to joining the Foundation.

Weaknesses: Chloe's biggest weakness is that she is a normal human being, with all of the disadvantages that comes with. She is very much mortal, psychologically vulnerable, and falliable as the next person. In Chloe's line of work, a small mistake or miscalculation can mean a Fate Worse than Death for not only her, but for everyone she knows and loves. Because of this, Chloë has adopted a "shoot first and let God sort 'em out" working philosophy, a philosophy that hasn't always worked well for her. Inversely, Chloe will put her teammates first and everything else afterwards, putting herself into unacceptably high risks to ensure the safety of her team, instead of choosing the more pragmatic choice of cutting her losses.

Goals: Chloë's goals are fairly straightforward. Do your job, complete the mission and make sure no one tries to get hurt more than necessary. It helps that she's getting paid a lot of money for this.

Motivation:Once upon a time Chloë wanted to achieve her Call of Duty pipe dreams by chewing gum and kicking some ass. Now that she's older and wiser, much of the intrigue and the fire of protecting humanity from the Unknown had faded away into a steady feeling of duty, the inability to escape the truth about the now very frightening world, and the knowledge that she could never return back to the civilian world as the same person she was when she left.

Role in the Story: She is an intelligence analysist type character, but supplies a decent amount of gunshoot power.

Backstory: Jiyeon Song was born in Seoul, South Korea in 1986. At the age of 10, she immigrated to the United States and stayed for a duration of five years; during this time she became fluent in English. After graduating high school with honors, she enlisted in the Republic of Korea Marine Corps. After six years of service, Jiyeon was offered to be inducted into the Foundation, where she worked as a Field Agent for approximately six months before reassigned to a temporary assignment in Mobile Task Force Tau-9. During that time, she attended multiple schools and courses in marksmanship, close-quarters combat, urban combat, and obtained a military diving license. After her training and work with MTF Tau-9, she was assigned to Area-354. After approximately a year in Northern Canada, Jiyeon was temporarily transferred back into Site-17 to do additional work back in MTF Tau-9.

Relevant Tropes: I'll fill this in later.

edited 7th Jul '14 1:33:04 AM by Tehpillowstar

I thought how this thread works is for each poster to review the previous poster(s)'s character(s) before posting their own? Just saiyan

edited 7th Jul '14 2:02:00 AM by arreimil

Name: Yu Ryuugami

Age: 27-35 (depending on point in story)

Personality: Yu has a strong sense of loyalty; thought of betrayal would never cross his mind. He's an unusually honest person, with a sense of honor. Despite this, however, he will resort to underhanded methods to win a fight. Yu is persistent in accomplishing his goals.

Abilities: He has the Archis Ragnae implant, which allows him to summon a sword from light. He's very skilled using this sword, and is physically fit.

Weaknesses: He doesn't know how to swim

Goals: He wants to escape Intelligence Corps custody, clear his name, capture his brother and stop Commander Mayonaka's attacks.

Motivation: He needs to escape and clear his name to do the other goals; his brother Langston is an anti-heroic rebel, and he fails to see any reason for the Commander to attack the capitols.

Role in the story: He's the protagonist, and narrator of the majority of the story.

Backstory: He and his brother Langston grew up in a military family, and both joined different branches. Yu worked his way up the ranks until he found himself in the Arcane Shock Troops Division, among soldiers who used Arcana Machina implants to wage war against the Confederacy's enemies. He successfully identified and captured the rebel leader, his brother, but his squad fell into a trap; everyone but him died, and Langston escaped.

He made his way to a nearby city, which, for some reason, was under siege from his allies, the Confederate armies. Among the invading troops here was a TOWER Siege Engine. He entered the ruins in search of the city's mayor, hoping to find out what went wrong. The mayor had died, so Yu began to weave his way through Confederate soldiers and frightened civilians until he was ultimately captured by an agent of the Confederate Intelligence Corps.

Tropes: To be added later.

edited 7th Jul '14 10:19:34 AM by Inceptiond

@arreimil Didn't that poster already get a review?

Anyway

@Inceptiond
I highly suggest that you characterize your characters not with traits but with descriptions. People aren't defined nor characterized by single traits, but rather how those traits are affected by their surroundings, their upbringings and the situations they find themselves in. Saying that this person is dutiful and pragmatic tells me nothing about this person. Why does he have such a strong sense of duty? What drives him to be loyal? Does his sense of pragmatism clash with his ideals? The best way to understand a character is not to define them by a bunch of standalone traits, but to provide context to them, so we can understand how the traits define the character.

Right. Not sure how I would go about that with Yu here, so let me think of something.

E: How'd I do?

edited 7th Jul '14 10:27:11 AM by Inceptiond

I guess it's a start.

Now I don't want to be impolite here, but could someone at least comment on my character?

@Tehpillowstar, I would be happy to comment on your heroine.

Chole is an interesting character. I'm only vaguely familiar with the SCP foundation, so I can't exactly comment on that angle of it. Despite that, she is certainly a person I can relate too. Chloe strikes me as the typical "dutiful soldier" archetype, which is always a welcome person to introduce into a story. Her not having any powers of her own certainly heightens the danger level for her and adds a nice bit of tension to the story.