By the time you finish reading this page, he'll probably be dead... again.
I don't like this movie, It doesn't look too friendly, These monsters seem so fake, my nerves are gonna break. Phelous, don't let me down, You need to be around, Grab that running one-up and blast that thing a new one!
— "Oh Phelous", Phelous' ending theme by Ze SadPanda...
Phelan Porteous is a Canadian guy that makes funny videos on the Internet. His claims to fame are his reviews of really bad horror movies, both B-grade and big-budget, and Mortal Komedy, a parody of the Mortal Kombat series. He's also well-known for being a Meta Guy who mocks the hell out of poorly-used tropes, as well as his unique delivery which involves lots of deadpanning with occasional bits of hamminess. He also used to die a lot in his reviews, but that gag's (mostly) been retired.His main review "show" doesn't have an official title; for all intents and purposes, Phelous hosts a show called "Phelous". (This has, of course, been lampshaded in the series itself.) For some time, he used a title sequence referring to it as Phelous Who, likely because of all the shoutouts to said series present in his videos. The title sequence has since been retired, with the explanation given that he wanted to make better use of the title cards drawn for his episodes. IMDb lists his show title as "Phelous & The Movies" for some reason, which he's used in-series to make fun of whoever wrote that.He has also started a review series called "Bootleg Zones with The Phaylus", in which he "reviews" (talks about while playing with) various bootleg toys, including Karate Turtles Warriors, Prodigy Pet, Steffi Love and Bat Hero.His videos can be viewed at That Guy with the Glasseshere, as well as at his own website here. A list of films he's reviewed can be found here.
Tropes found in this show:
Aborted Arc: The review of Stephen King's Boogey Man, ends with Phelous regenerating into a cat, and one of his dead selves turning into Phelous D1, hinting at a new expansive storyline for the mid-Review sketches. The next review, Jeepers Creepers, starts out with Cat-Phelous turning into a human again via a Deus ex Machina, shorty after which he nonchalantly shoots Phelous D1, ending the storyline in less than 3 minutes.
He thought the bratty kids getting blown up in Santa's Slay was pretty funny until they ruined it.
In his review of The Boogeyman, a little boy, after sticking his head through a window and shouting "BOOGEYMAN!", is killed pathetically when the window half heartedly closes on his neck. Phelous says that death scene almost makes up for everything else. Almost.
Almost any goofy surprised death face seems to cheer him up.
In Turtles Forever, he points out that 1987 Raphael's second breaking the fourth wall gag was pretty funny, but by that point was too pissed about the lack of respect with which the 1987 turtles were handled to laugh at it.
Admits that in the Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers review that John Strode's death in the theatrical cut (With his head exploding) is stupid, but also funny and was the only change between the two cuts of the film he approved off.
Adam Westing: Lampshaded at the end of Incubus when he says all the performances were terrible. Except for Tara Reid who did an excellent job playing Tara Reid.
Santa's Slay, starring Goldberg, has him repeatedly use Goldberg's wrestling theme whenever Santa shows up, along with other wrestling themes when appropriate, as well as wanting Gillberg to show up as Santa's evil elf.
Awesome McCool Name: Pops up in his Bootleg Zone reviews of all places, with the Robocop knockoff figure called Robert Cop 2. Phelous gives it a perfect 10/10 overall score based on the name alone.
It's not as bad as some of the other buttons, but Phelous dislikes horror movie teenagers/college students/cops/killers who are obsessed with drinking and partying; oftentimes wishing that they'd get killed already.
The partying cop from the Cabin Fever series earns an especially large chunk of his disdain when he reviews those movies.
He hates reality shows, judging by his Wrong Turn 2 and ''Halloween: Resurrection" reviews.
Most horror movie remakes; mostly ones that remove subtle atmospheric horror.
The director of The Curse of Michael Myers claiming Donald Pleasence's Dr. Loomis boring and cutting large portions of his final performance.
Inconsistency between movies and their sequels tends to anger him as well (Ulli Lommel's The Boogeyman trilogy being a prime example of this).
"Lock-you-inside" locks may still exist in modern times, but they're rarer and they mostly only exist in horror movies to act as an inconvenience to anyone trying to get out of the house. He hates them.
Contrived reasons to disable cell phones in horror movies, such as the signal mysteriously vanishing in the vicinity of slashers or monsters.
He often gets annoyed by large amounts of jump scares in movies. However, in his review of Jacobs Ladder, he did point out a Jump Scare done right; a surprise shot that's been built up and has relevance to the movie's theme.
Big "NO!": Parodied during the ending of the Skinned Deep episode, when it turns out that the end credits of the movie play while the Final Girl screams "NOOOOOOOOO!" over and over again throughout the whole thing.
Phelous: NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOoooo way I'm doing that.
Played straight when he realizes Eli Roth wrote and directed Hostel II, unlike the second Cabin Fever.
In his Jeepers Creepers review, Phelous D1 claims part of his plan involved turning the show into one that reviews Romantic Comedies. At the start of the Amityville Horror review, another evil counterpart Phelous claims he reviews romantic comedies, before getting shot by Phelous.
Camera Abuse: Finding out that Incubus was originally called Pulse drives him over the edge and he attacks the camera, flipping it over before composing himself.
Parodied again in his review of Quarantine (specifically the part where a guy kills a zombie by smashing the lens into its face). Phelous's camera breaks and we get a title card with the words "One new camera later..."
Canada, Eh?: Well, in the sense that he is Canadian, but his review persona doesn't fit much in the way of Canadian stereotypes.
Mortal Komedy takes place in "Oatworld". That's Canadian enough.
Captain Obvious: Captain Explainy Pants in his "Aladdin" (not that Aladdin) review.
Cluster F-Bomb: In the Satan Claus review, Phelous turns the captain's exclamation of "Fuck! Fuck shit fuck!" into his catchphrase.
In the opening to his review of Mortal Komedy he screams profanity, until he realises he has to turn into his old self.
Completely Missing the Point: of Funny Games. In his original review he treated the anti-horror film as a simply bad horror film, apparently oblivious to its intended message. However, a great many episodes later he reviewed it again, focusing solely on its intended message, arguing that it's still a bad movie any way you slice it.
Dead All Along: Phelous often dies at the end of his reviews. Sometimes he reveals that he's not going to die because "I'm already dead!" *Evil Laugh*
His "Jacob's Ladder" review cements this even further with a Cerebus Retcon: he died while reviewing "Mac and Me" and the last five years of reviews were his spirit holding on to the last few minutes of his life while refusing to move on.
Look again at the intro to his Seventh Moon review. He's looking in the mirror, saying "The face in the mirror, it wasn't me!" with a terrorized expression on his face. He's foreshadowing how in the Jacob's Ladder review, he will see his true dead self in the mirror at the end, but is still unable to accept it yet.
Deadpan Snarker: He started off extremely deadpan, almost lifeless really, but over time he's become much livelier and more extreme. He's still a huge snarker though.
Death Is Cheap: No matter how messily he dies at the end of an episode, he'll be back next time as if nothing happened.
Special mentions: Cabin Fever, where he explains that by making the jerk such a jerk, you've got everyone just wondering when and how that character will die and not about the rest of the cast or what is going on. The Party Cop gets frequent call backs as well, as do "teenagers who just want to party!"
In Crocodile, his favorite character is Princess the dog. Even more so when he thinks she's purposefully inciting the crocodile to go after the kids. Also noting that the jerk of that movie continues being a jerk even when he needs the other two survivors to keep carrying him.
"So, we are supposed to be rooting for the crocodile, right?"
Distaff Counterpart: Sort of. In Hostel 1 & 2 Reviews in 5 Seconds, his sister does the Hostel 2 portion. Making fun of how Hostel 2 is the same thing as the first movie only with female characters.
Linkara: No wonder one of us got really popular and the other one died a whole lot and does stupid meta jokes. Phelous: But — Linkara — I — Linkara: The one who died a lot and does stupid meta jokes is you. Phelous: Yes. I got it.
Cute Kitten: After the seventh Boogeyman movie, Phelous regenerated into his cat Tiniqua. He followed up with a review of Meow Mix and a "cameo" from his other cat Kisa. Phelous D1 later gets turned into the same cat.
Evil Counterpart: Several; there's Phelous D1 from the Ghost Ship and Dawn of the Living Dead review, a Phelous version of the villain from Incubus, a Silent Hill-style Nurse Phelous from his review of Silent Hill Homecoming and Case 39, and the romantic comedy reviewer "Selouph".
Evil Laugh: Phelous is rather entertained when the 'unlikable teen' in Cabin Fever 2 goes to cut his own arm off.
Eye Take: Arguably his funniest reaction ever to the events happening on screen in a movie he reviews was in his review of the Black Christmas (2006) remake, when the killer's mother rapes him (the killer, not Phelous). Phelous sits slack-jawed, eyes open wide in stupefied horror.
He has the same reaction when Michael Myers crossdresses in a blue dress and shows some leg. And it's still the best moment of that review.
Failure Hero: Bat Hero from Bootleg Zone. He is even sentenced to hang for all the trouble his attempted heroics cause.
Fan Disservice: At the end of his Silent Hill Homecoming video: Phelous in one of the nurse outfits. Complete with short skirt.
Foreshadowing: In his review of House Of The Dead II Dead Aim, when a character makes reference to wanting to have sex with a zombie, Phelous reacts by saying, "Contemplating Zombie rape?! I better never see anything that stupid again!" to which Sad Panda appears saying "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Fast forward a couple months to the La Horde review done alongside Sad Panda...
Gag Dub: The Killdozer, Amityville 4 and Man's Best Friend review all feature dubbed-in voices for the respective villains. The movies on their own had ridiculous premises, but the voices just make them impossible to take seriously.
Gambit Roulette: One of his main complaints with Cry_Wolf was that Dodger had no way of knowing how a number of things of key parts of her plan would work, and simply got very lucky.
Go Mad from the Revelation: Phelous breaks into a fit of insane laughter after it's revealed that the Big Bad of Skinned Deep is a headless bodybuilder wearing nothing but a pair of underwear that says "DYNOMITE!" on the front.
The end of the Jacob's Ladder review not only justifies his hysterics, but turns it into a very brilliant bit of foreshadowing.
His review of Cabin Fever 2 is full of this. Take your pick, his reaction to Party Cop returning, his reaction to Party Cop still being obsessed with partying, or his insane laughter over a scene where the girl cuts off the boy's infected hand with a buzzsaw and torches the wound.
From the Pulse 3 review: "The internet ghost of a record player? The internet ghost of a record player! The internet ghost of a record player?! It made me do the overhead spinning scream thing again!!!"
Taken to the extreme in Thankskilling when the killer turkey (which is more like a vulture) encounters a couple mid-coitus, kills the man and fucks the girl in the ass. Phelous falls to the ground, laughing or crying, for over a minute, before just staring at the camera in the next few scenes.
Gorn: Since he specializes in horror films, expect this to crop up from time to time in his reviews. Not all of them are for the squeamish. One prime example is Automaton Transfusion where a zombie rips out a fetus from a woman and eats it.
In his "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer, he warns the viewer to consider, in light of the scenes he's shown in previous episodes, the fact that this is the first time he's found it necessary to put up a content warning. The film he was reviewing? A Serbian Film.
Ha Ha Ha No: A funky version when he reviewed House of the Dead: Funny Version. The tape rewound for some reason (an attempt at wacky humor?) Phelous starts laughing, then Phelous' laughing is itself reversed and when he starts speaking again he says, "Actually that's not funny at all."
Harmless Villain: Phelous D1 sure tries to hurt Phelous, but mostly just ends up getting humiliated.
Taken to an extreme in his reviews for House of the Dead, House Of The Dead II Dead Aim, and Dead and Deader (which was originally planned to be a sequel to House of the Dead) which he reviews back-to-back-to-back. Ellie Cornell played a role in all three, and Phelous incredulously comes up with a theory as to why.
Hypocritical Humor is generally a Running Gag with Phelous; often he'll either criticize a movie for doing something that he constantly does in his reviews, or criticize something and then do the same thing right after.
Idiosyncratic Episode Naming: Most of the title cards have a portmanteau of his name and the movie title, such as "Phinculous" or "Resident Phelous".
Lets See You Do Better: At times, he demonstrates that he can do better special effects than the movies he reviews (case in point, his cheap editing was a damn close match to the "effects" from Birdemic).
Machinima: The "Resident Hazard" videos, which all consist of various lines from the first Resident Evil game spliced together to make the dialogue even more bizarre.
Medium Awareness: He likes making fun of "conversational" narratives, such as someone saying "Oh, hello!" to the camera. "Oh, hello! I didn't realize I put the camera near my door and left the camera running and edited it into my video!"
Meta Guy: To the point where Linkara punches him for it during their Airzone Solution video...and then he complains that he wasn't really punched and it didn't hurt. So Linkara promptly hits him for real.
Narm: In-universe, one of his running gags involves placing subtitles over particularly narm-tastic lines.
He says that Case 39 would be pretty unremarkable without all the unintentional comedy.
Nausea Fuel: Subverted in-universe in his A Serbian Film review, where he states the film isn't WORTHY of his puke.
Negative Continuity: While the show theoretically has continuity, almost every story arc will usually just abruptly end and never be brought up again. Particularly notable at the end of Jacob's Ladder and the start of Aladdin and the Adventure of All Time.
No Name Given: His review show has no official name. This fact is Lampshaded occasionally, especially after IMDB listed it as "Phelous & The Movies" for no clear reason.
Also assured the audience that the casting in the second Boogeyman movie was not him making a joke.
In his review of Man's Best Friend, Phelous points out that he's not joking when he claims that the dog killed a thief and cut the boyfriend's brake lines. When the film reveals that Max's pee is acidic, Phelous says that scenes from the movie resemble the silly jokes he would be making during the review, not the actual content.
The Nth Doctor: Parodied in the "Funny Games Again" video, where Phelous gets shot and regenerates into a new form in the style of the Tenth Doctor. It was an April Fools joke, reset in the next video. Additionally, it's a parody of Replacement Scrappy, since New Phelous says he hates everything Phelous regularly does and isn't going to do it any more.
Our Zombies Are Different: He's reviewed dozens of zombie movies, but the zombies in Nightmare City take the cake as far as being nebulously-defined. They run around like humans and kill other humans with guns, knives and whatever they've got available, yet despite being intelligent, they never speak. They do consume human flesh and blood, but seemingly as an afterthought. Some of them have more caked oatmeal on their faces than others; some seem almost normal. How new zombies are made is totally unexplained, and whether or not headshots are needed to kill them differs from scene to scene.
Portmanteau: "Phelous" is a combination of his real name, Phelan Porteous.
The title for each review is similarly a portmanteau of "Phelous" and the title of the movie, such as "Phinculous" for "Incubus."
At the beginning of one of the Pulse reviews, he realizes that Mischa Barton is in the movie:
Phelous: I guess that means I'll be using that [song] a lot in this review! (Beat) Actually I won't be using it at all.
In one review, when a character was shot multiple times in the movie he was reviewing, it instead played Sad Panda's acoustic cover of the song...until the final shot that put the character down, where it switched to Imogen Heap's version.
Phelous dying at the end of his videos.
Playing The Syncopated Clock over especially tedious scenes
Sometimes, if something really unpleasant happens plot-wise, he'll use a clip of Tina from Skinned Deep yelling "WHYYYYYYYY?!", complete with a goofy polygon with the word "Why?" written on it. This one started with his review of The Deaths of Ian Stone.
Often when there is a Red Shirt character that gets killed, Phelous would go, "And he/she dies."
In Wrong Turn 2 Dead End, which takes place during the filming of a reality show, one main character eats another's granola bar to prove that he doesn't care about her. Phelous mourns the loss of the potential "Granola Bar Alliance" and cracks jokes about it for the rest of the film.
Self-Inflicted Hell: He died while filming his original Mac and Me review which never made it on the internet. The following five years of weirdness is just Phelous refusing to accept his death so he can move on.
Shoddy Knockoff Product: Has recently started a show called Bootleg Zones, where he reviews bootleg toys and products.
Downplayed by the second episode, where it is clear that the show extends to reviewing bootleg products that are of decent quality almost matching (or in some aspects succeeding) the originals. Part of the rating system used for the reviews is how well they fare as a substitute for the originals.
Soundtrack Dissonance: One of his often used gags is adding silly music to gory, (melo)dramatic and scary scenes.
In his review of Ghost Ship, he complains because the film itself plays inappropriate music, rendering this gag unnecessary.
Also complains that Man's Best Friend has a soundtrack that at times sounds like a Beethoven sequel instead of a killer dog movie.
In his review of Santa's Slay (wherein Goldberg played a killer Santa Claus), he had a habit of inserting Goldberg's WCW theme into scenes of Killer Santa (even dubbing in chants of "San-Ta! San-Ta!"). Until the movie starts playing a Suspiciously Similar Song version of the song...
"Oh, apparently I didn't even need to put his theme in there. The movie's gonna do it for me now!"
In the Halloween II review, Phelous points out he didn't need to play silly music over Laurie's death to make it funny, the film already plays Love Hurts over it.
Space Whale Aesop: In his Fear Dot Com review, he states: "If you smoke... a little girl with powers will kill you."
Stable Time Loop: Triangle is a movie about a woman trapped in a series of time loops who becomes her own worst enemy and is Driven to Madness, so of course his review mirrors this by having a second Phelous popping around trying to stop himself from finishing the Triangle review.
Staying Alive: His returns to life lack a consistent explanation, and what reasons are given frequently make as much sense as the movies he reviews.
Stylistic Suck: The Halloweenie videos are full of this. Also used to parody genuine suck in the movies he reviews, such as the second part of Birdemic where his poorly-integrated bird stock footage is a pretty close match to the movie itself.
Talking to Himself: Taken to the point where he doesn't even really try to pretend he's playing two different characters, just two different Phelouses talking to each other. For example, he reveals at the end of Pulse 2 that he was really an "Internet TV Distortion Ghost" all along so he doesn't have to review Pulse 3. Another Phelous dressed as a Ghostbuster bursts into the room and zaps the ghost before taking over the review.
Take That: He makes a few subtle ones towards his fellow reviewers, lampooning ideas such as cameos and continuity in the reviews.
Probably more of an Affectionate Parody, especially because his reviews seem to have some sort of continuity and do feature cameos often.
On the less affectionate side of things, he's made a few subtle and not-so-subtle digs at the Irate Gamer's cereal reviews, culminating in kitty!Phelous' Meow Mix video.
What Could Have Been: In Dead and Deader he wonders what it would have been like if he had decided to not review that stupid House of the Dead quasi-sequel at all. Cue a flash to alternate-reality Phelous with glowing red eyes shrieking he needs to review a bad movie or he'll kill everyone.
In his review of Santa's Slay, he repeatedly comments on disliking a scene, only for it to cut to a similar scene from in Mortal Komedy.
In his House of the Dead 2 review, he starts the review by reviewing his own reviews, pointing out the inconsistencies in his apparent resurrections and why he would even try to review, considering he's only likely to die at the end.
During the Seventh Moon review, where Jitter Cam and Hollywood Darkness result in a "slight" visibility problem, Phelous sings "I can't see a fucking thing, fucking thing, fucking thing" to the tune of Hall of the Mountain King.
You Get What You Pay For: Phelous reviews an Aladdin discount ripoff that has a 1$ price tag as part of the cover art. He got it as part of a 3-for-a-dollar deal and choose this one to blame for costing 34 cents as opposed to 33 for the other two. He repeatedly enrages that he paid too much because of the horrible animation and multiple gratuitous jump cuts.
Your Princess Is in Another Castle: "Hostel part 2 is the same thing as Hostel, but with women as the main characters. The End!" * Cut to credits* * Cut back to Phelous* "Yes, I don't know why I ever bother with that, it never works."