Funny: The Dark Id
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- The LP of Chrono Cross has plenty of hilarious moments, most of them brought about by his writing Serge as the Only Sane Man in the clusterfuck of Mind Screw and Gambit Pileup. Probably the best part of it, though, is Serge's interactions with ZOAH, who seems to have latched on to Serge like an awkward rookie cop and has somehow become this adorably awkward dork despite being a ridiculously large muscle-bound bruiser. One particular great moment:
Serge: Stop Lynx from doing...what exactly? What? I honestly have absolutely no idea why I should give a crap about that prick anymore. Not a clue! Zoah, do you know?
ZOAH: HE IS A BAD MAN!
Serge: ...Why do I even talk to you?
ZOAH: I AM A GOOD LISTENER.
- Upon Zoah's suggestion that Another World Norris join the party, despite Home World Norris already being in the party:
Serge: No... No, Zoah... We already HAVE a Norris. We can’t get another one. We can’t even keep track of the one we already have. This is far too much responsibility having two! I mean...what are we going to call the second Norris? Have you thought about this? What happens when both Norris...es are in the room? Huh?
ZOAH: I HAD NOT CONSIDERED THE POSSIBILITY. WE COULD ASSIGN NAME TAGS.
Serge: Name tags...?! They are literally the same person! Not virtually identical... Not clones... It is the same exact guy times two! I’m not sure why the universe hasn’t exploded with them being in the same room together. But, name tags would not work. What next?! Do we make one of the Norrises put on blackface and we start calling him black Norris? Is that what you are proposing, Zoah? Blackface Norris?!
- Zoah just has a lot of these, really. No wonder the LP thread turned him into an Ensemble Darkhorse.
Serge: So are we like in the future now? Or is this another dead timeline where everyone was doomed to a fate of being shadows that only spout exposition?
ZOAH: A GRIM FATE.
Serge: Eh? I thought you’d be all about the grim dark future, Roadwarrior?
ZOAH: NONSENSE. I ADVOCATE GOING GREEN AND A BRIGHTER, CLEANER FUTURE FOR THE CHILDREN OF THE TOMORROW.
Serge: Tch...whatever. That tin can of yours recycled too?
ZOAH: YES. IT IS 100% PROCESSED RECYCLED MATERIAL.
Serge: Oh...uhh... I really wasn’t expecting that... Uhh...well... Good for you...
ZOAH: I DO MY PART FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.Serge: You can't make fun of a jester... That...well, it just doesn't work, kiddo... Go steal Zoah's helmet or something.
Marcy: Nah... I like tried that once and stuff already.
Serge: Oh yeah...? What was under there...?
Marcy: You're like totally lookin' at it. Geez.
Serge: (Beat) ...I don't follow.
ZOAH: WEATHER IN EL NIDO CAN BE ERRATIC. I LIKE TO DRESS IN LAYERS.Serge: Alright, Harle, let's practice fire safety this time, yeah?
Harle: Oui, Monsieur Lynx. Je vous promets.
Serge: I understood like one word of that. But, I'll take that as a yes. Just no starting fires, okay?
ZOAH: OUI. LA SÉCURITÉ INCENDIE EST IMPORTANT.
Serge: Zoah, if that blue robot wasn't so idiotic looking and the dream chef wasn't a cannibal you would be so out of the A-team right now...ZOAH: ACTUALLY, THIS MAN IS NOT LYNX!
Serge: Zoah... You do not actually have to tell everyone that... Especially, ass clowns we are going to kick the crap out of anyway... In fact, it's better they DON'T know who I am to leave the element of surprise. Aren't you like... supposed to be some elite soldier? Shouldn't you know this stuff?
ZOAH: THIS CONCEPT OF SURPRISE IS UNFAMILIAR TO ME.Serge: Welp...at least we got today's stupidest thing I've ever seen out of the way early. You guys wanna go grab some lunch?
ZOAH: I COULD GO FOR A SALAD AND A LATTE.
- And finally, there's the verbal smackdown delivered to the Dwarf King.
Dwarf king: Is there no land on this planet where we can live in peace? Oh, Goddess of Fate, why are we dealt such a hand...
Kid: Yer mob literally just commit ethnic cleansin'. You seriously ain't trying to act sympathetic are ya? I just recovered from me death bed. I really don't wanna get sent back for my eyes rollin' outta my head.
Dwarf king: Are humans really the greatest species on this planet? These heretics of evolution, these destroyers of the planet?... Ugh...
Kid: Seriously, pal. You were just smashin' about with a soddin' smog spewing tank. I don't think that thin' popped outta damn turnip patch.
Dwarf king: Silence human. We are the ones dying! It is entirely your fault for having driven us out of our incredibly toxic swamp that was only being held together by a load-bearing monster from turning into an uninhabitable quagmire! Don't you see? You greedy humans and your wrecking of the environment caused us to mercilessly butcher another peaceful race so we could move into their much more vibrant and hospitable land to turn it into our new industrial stronghold. You monsters! Hi-ho!
Serge: Seriously, you're as sympathetic as the shit I took this morning. Have fun hi-hoing in hell.
- Serge after waking up from a dream where kills Kid.
Serge: Welp, that's an uncomfortable dream to wake up from with morning wood...
- The bar tab ending:
Dark Serge: MY SPLEEN!
ZOAH: INCORRECT, SIR.
Dark Serge: WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
ZOAH: THIS IS YOUR SPLEEN.
- Serge's homecoming after the... incident at Fort Dragonia.
Serge: Welp, mom... You know how you're always saying I should get out of the house and do something with my life...? LOOK WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I LISTENED TO YOU!!!
- His footnote about Skelly the Clown's Japanese name.
Likewise, poor Skelly is just called "Skull". Who the hell would hire Skull the Clown?
- Fourth Wall? WHAT fourth wall?
Chief Direa: ...Do you speak the truth? Hmm, I see... So that's why you have an odd air about you. As for a way to return to your original world, I do not know. But there are always reasons why such phenomena occur...
Serge: There wouldn't be a plot otherwise...?
Chief Direa: You say that as though there is one right now...Fargo: You said you were headin' to Fort Dragonia to go after Viper and his men. Let me give ya some advice. Mount Pyre is a fiery hell. Without any protection against fire, you'll lose strength fast.
Serge: How fast are we talking here?
Fargo: Lower Norfair without a Varia Suit fast.
- Due to the game's Loads and Loads of Characters, not all of them see much usage (if any). So when the ending rolls around, and each character says their farewells:
Neofio: Bye-bye, Serge... Take good care! Iph you come across a phlower somewhere, remember me!
Serge: ... Have we met...?Van: Good-bye, Serge. We'll probably never see each other again. I won't be sad... Well, maybe just a little bit... Sniff...
Serge: Who *are* you...?Sprigg: Wot an adventure! 'Twas just wot I expected. I think it's about time I retired in peace. So long, Serge!
Serge: Geez... how many of these people have I forgotten all about...?
- Upon Zoah's suggestion that Another World Norris join the party, despite Home World Norris already being in the party:
- Clock Tower 3: The entirety of the Dark Gentlemen Collection: Whimsical Children's Bedtime Poems. Also:
Oh yes, she does have one more ability at her disposal: Mind Numbingly Politeness. To the point she will not enter areas barred off with a 'Do Not Enter' sign because that wouldn't be proper. Case in point, the surly fellow who just felt her up and insinuated her mother is dead still qualifies for 'gentleman' status.
The oddity of the males taking the Hamilton name aside...Dick Brown...? The man's name is Dick Brown? Does he have a cousin named Penis von Fecal? Your name is Richard, you moron!
- In chapter 27, on the issue of imprisoning people in a kitchen:
One of the bars in the kitchen, you say. I'm not going to even get into how idiotic it would be to imprison people in a kitchen. What dwells in a kitchen?
[picture of frying pans]
[picture of kitchen knives]
[picture of Gordon Ramsay]
Goddamn Chef Gordon Ramsay.
Any of these three things could be easily used to murder the shit out of the skinny carnie villains of the day. To spoil a bit further into the stage, there's an actual dungeon. But, they decided to use the kitchen for their holding cell and put upward of ten people in it. Ten plus against a force of presumably the Scissortwins and a butler. Was this a village populated by quadriplegics or the French?
- "And as a last bid for escape, Alyssa drops an epic steamer."
- His reaction to the game's ham-fisted insistence on referring to Dick Hamilton/Brown as "Dick" in dramatic instances when "dick" is shorthand for the far less Narm-y sounding "Richard." Especially when he learns his name is in fact, Dick Brown.
Philip: What are you doing, Dick?!Dick: Living up to my name!
- And earlier during the scene when Dick murders Alyssa's father Philip:
- In chapter 27, on the issue of imprisoning people in a kitchen:
- Drakengard has a few:
Caim: Are you calling my sister a whore?
Dragon: I was suggesting nothing of the sort. Merely, I feel you should loo-
Caim: 'cause this one prick back in Caerleon once suggest something like that. Let's just say the amount of damage a tea cup can inflict shouldn't be underestimated.Dragon: Why do I even bother talking to you?
Dragon: Does [Inuart] have... Furiae's body?Caim: Does he have WHAT?! Oh...that creepy little fucker!*After about a minute of boss battling*Caim: Sorry, sis. Looks like I can only afford a cremation.Dragon: That was in poor taste...Caim: Will you just incinerate that slimy asshole before he starts dry humping her corpse or something!Dragon: As you wish...
- After Verdelet gives another unwarranted Captain Obvious comment:
Caim: See what I mean. He’s telling us how a pact works.
Dragon: <strains voice> “Caaaaaaiiim! You can inhale aaaaaair and process it with a straaaaange mechanism known as luuuuuuungs! With this daaaaaark proceeeeesssssss you can perform the aaaaaaancient rite known as breeeeaaaathing!”
Caim: Hehe. Let me try. "Caaaaaaaiim! By puuuuuuting ONE foot forward THEN the oooooootheeeeer you will be able to TRAAAANSPOOOORT yourself. They caaaaaall this dark gift WALKING!"
- The dragon gets fed up with Inuart yapping about the elf village;
Dragon: I already told you the village has fallen. I heard a voice from one of the elves residing there. They said:
Elf: Oh god stop stabbing me no...! Stop stabbing me! Nooo what are you doing?! What is he doing? No... NO! Not the bees! AUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH! They're in my eyes! My eyes! AURGHAFFFA!!!
Dragon: It just became unpleasant after that.
- Caim spots Inuart making out with Furiae's corpse. It does not end well.
- Really, all of Caim's interactions with Inuart post-Face-Heel Turn are drop-dead hilarious. From squicking out
Legnathe Black Dragon to taking relentless potshots at his manhood, Caim and Angelus do everything in their power to systematically destroy every last ounce of Inuart's dignity.
- When rescuing Seere from the Coliseum:
Goblin: Well, out with it, man!
Caim: Dragon, say it for me.
Dragon: No, Caim. I shall not.
Caim: Come on, it's a good one liner!
Dragon: ’My name is Caim and it’s killing time’ is not a good one liner. I’m embarrassed to just repeat it aloud to you.
Caim: Dammit, dragon! You’re ruining this for me!
- And then comes the part where Caim gets a glowing sword that shoots lightning from the sky when he holds it up:
Dragon: What, Caim? Not going to quote He-Man now?
Caim: Dragon, please. He-Man was gay as shit. I wouldn't be caught dead quoting that crap.
Dragon: Good. At least you have some tas-
Caim: Thunder... Thunder!
Dragon: Oh good grief...
Caim: ThunderCats! HOOOOOOOO!
Dragon: My shame being in a pact with you grows with each passing hour...
- After Verdelet gives another unwarranted Captain Obvious comment:
- During the big battle in Chapter 5, as Verdelet asks where Furiae is, this scene happens.
Enemy Soldier/Spy: Kind sir, I've been working from within the foul Imperial ranks for years now gathering a small resistance in secret! I have vital news involving the Goddess' location! My allies within our network report the Goddess has been mo-
Caim: Oooh. Yeah, I see lots of little pieces. That's one for the highlight reel.
- While Drakengard 2 is mostly pain and suffering and Nowe being an idiot, Caim finally gets his due in the Where Are They Now epilogue:
Caim: Caim went on to become the new Grim Reaper of the land. His application to the position simply said 'I murdered the shit out of the last guy'. He was hired on the spot.
Angelus: I don't see why you need to become the reaper...
Caim: Dragon, we've been over this. First of all... come on... If there's one thing I have a goddamn encyclopedic knowledge about, it is death.
Angelus: That still seems a silly reason to me.
Caim: And also...a KILLED the grim reaper! I killed DEATH, dragon. I topped out. I don't want the new guy to be some pussy that dies in like a month after some jackass with a whip comes along and slaps him around a few times. Nah. Goddamn Caim was the only one to kill someone so hard that it killed Death and it's gonna stay that way for a very long time.
Angelus: Why did I put up with you in the first place...
Caim: Ah, come on, Angelus. You know you've missed this shit!
Angelus: Well...perhaps a little bit...
Image of a VERY gleeful Caim: Caim's status: Loving this shit!
- Caim's first proper cutscene appearance gets this brilliant gem:
Image of Manah's eyes wide with terror: Manah's pants status: Thoroughly shat!
Seere: It seems like every day it is 'Hierarch Seere, Nowe was fighting with his fellow knights again' or 'My lord, Nowe's dragon startled our horses with his theatrics. Sir Viper fell and broke his arm and Sir Zoah dinged his prized helmet and is vowing to tear out the dragon child's spleen' or 'Hierarch, the dragon child was questioning the holy practices of the Knights of the Seal.' Every day, I hear this kind of stuff when I just want nothing more than to sit in my chambers and enjoy a good book in peace.
- In one of the additional cutscenes unlocked in New Game+, Nowe meets with Hierarch Seere. Id edits it to Seere chewing Nowe out on poor conduct.
- Legna's allusions to his pact with Inuart in Drakengard 1 and how much it strained the limits of his sanity.
Legna: You haven't got into some woman trouble when I wasn't looking, have you? Be careful of women. They'll lead you astray. I'm telling you now, my boy, I don't want any of their type riding on my back. The last time I allowed that it took me weeks of bathing to feel clean again. Ruined the shade of my scales in the process.
Nowe: I have made an enemy out of General Gismor. He... He was the one who killed my father, Oror!
- Later in Part 13:
Legna: I'm not surprised. Jealousy, hatred, treachery. Sounds like a typical human story.
Nowe: Damn him!
Legna: Reminds me of a man I once flew with... He had all those traits in spades. It was nearly unbearable.
Nowe: Huh... Who was that...?
Legna: Ancient history, my boy, from before your time. Don't worry yourself about it. We have bigger problems to deal with.
Nowe: Adversity... Yes, times don't get much more adverse than now.
- Part 15 has an utterly hilarious one as Legna explains how his species can transform themselves in response to adverse conditions.
Legna: Oh, come now. This is a minor setback on the scale of dire times. So you've lost your job with a bunch of nancy knights and need to relocate to the countryside. Pah! It could be much worse.
Nowe: How so?
Legna: Why, you could be enslaved by a band of possessed humans and forced into a pact with an insufferable whiner who mumbled incoherently about a woman he loved non-stop, day after endless day, until you wanted to fly straight into the sun just to make the ceaseless drivel STOP!
Nowe: That...does sound bad... And oddly specific.
Legna: Oh, you know. Just a story I'd heard over the years...
- After Zero wakes up from a nightmare, Id talks about his own nightmare as well.
- Id: Tell me about, lady. Man... I had this one dream the other day I was bored and went "what if I went and did another LP now that I have some free time" and looked at my video game collection and remembered I owned Drakengard 3. And for some crazy, fevered reason only my deep subconscious could explain I went ahead d—wait... wait... that was a dream... r-right?! RIGHT! Oh god... OH GOD! AAAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!
- Id going into Sarcasm Failure at Zero's painful regeneration.
- During Chapter 2-2, we get this bit.
- Mikhail does his best Kool-Aid man impression. I bet somewhere out there in Drakengard land there is a mace holding the tale of some grimdark Kool-Aid man analog terrorizing peasants. Cuz let's face, Kool-Aid man is fucked up if you just sit there and think about him for a minute. A glass golem filled with an unidentified red liquid smashing through your damn wall? No thank you! That is a bad scene.
- Also in Chapter 2-2 is after the bit where Zero practically pratfalls after falling off of Mikhail.
RIP Zero. You died as you lived. Abusing and yelling obscenities at a dumbass baby dragon mostly brought on yourself by the lack of anything resembling common sense.
- Chapter 2-4 has a Fission Mailed where Zero's mouth ends up causing an avalanche to fall on her and Dito. The game acts like it's The End until she gets up and says it's not over. The way Dito turns to the camera and shrugs is like the game acknowledging Id going "Drakengard!"
- Id puts up a list of the many excuses the game's had for Mikhail not to be used in the game.
Final Fantasy VII: Dirge of Cerberus
- Dirge of Cerberus gives us this gem.
- Vincent: I desire a piggy-back ride.
Yuffie: Wait, hold on! Just-
Vincent: If my heart weren't filled with such darkness and sorrow, I would be going 'weeee'. Do you too enjoy the pleasures brought by a good piggy-back session?
"Wait. Wait. Wait. Now wait just a fuckin' second here. Let me get this straight... We're going to all this trouble fighting these blowhards [Deepground] all because the planet is... fucking... RETARDED?!"
- This line from Reeve and Vincent's response:
Reeve: 1200 people simply vanished without a trace. The WRO conducted a private investigation, but we came up empty handed. Except for the rumors. Since the Junon disappearance, people in Edge have been on edge.
Vincent: In stark contrast to the relative calm in Kalm and the lovers of fans of Jason Reitman's Juno in Junon, I'm sure.
Reeve: You used to be a lot less snippy.
Vincent: The weight upon my shoulders brings forth my turmoil to the surface.
Reeve: Forget I said anything...
- One of the later Imagine Spots:
- Witness as a boss dies in three shots.
- The Dark Id says this about the plot:
The plot is... How can I put this...? Ten kinds of batshit with a healthy, healthy dose of retarded.So, basically it's my specialty.
- I nominate the crowning line of funny, courtesy of Cid Highwind (click link for context):
Limbo of the Lost
- Limbo of the Lost. His reaction to Cranny Faggot's name.
"CRANNY. FAGGOT. As silly as a name Spooner may be, you have shit, good captain, on a name like Cranny Faggot. Indeed, I'd be hard pressed to find any character with a more absurd name than Cranny Faggot. Hell, I just played a game with a man named "Hot Coldman" and it might as well be John Smith in comparison.
- The reaction to Benjamin Briggs putting a jaw clamp on the Worrymeister's eyes. Even more so when we find out he did that to get a pen and ink.
Metal Gear: Ghost Babel
- This exchange in Metal Gear: Ghost Babel that outright takes the piss out of the game's almost half-hearted attempt at bowdlerization that still got it rated E For Everyone by the ESRB.
Brian McBride: Metal Gear's development was a classified Army project. Even the CIA is not aware of all the details.Ronard "Weasel" Lensenbrink; In other words, you know jack.McBride: Yes. Thanks for the clarification for the audience. You know, just rephrasing the obvious in a rude and suspicious manner doesn't make you clever. It makes you an asshole outlaw.Weasel: Identifying assholes outlaws. There's one thing the CIA excels at.McBride: It doesn't take CIA Intel in your case. It's written all over your face. Where'd you get the beauty scar, tough guy? Eatin' pussy pineapples.Mei Ling: That's enough you two. Rated E. For 'Everyone'! Enough of the colorful language!
- What finally pushes Fei over the edge during a chat with Queen Shevat at the near end of disc 2.
- Queen Zephyr: I understand. So let's keep believing... And hope for a miracle...
Fei: ......Good lord, lady! Howabout an ‘I believe in you’ or ‘I know you can do it’ or something? It’s gonna take a *miracle* to succeed?! Tch. You know what? I’m friggin’ GLAD your stupid hippie Cloud City UFO got shot down! You Shevat people are just...just the WORST everything ever! You never help when you ought to. You make everyone else do your fighting for you while you sit around getting baked. And even then there's a chance you backstab everyone when you succeed. And even when you're not actively screwing over nations, you're still fucking up. Hey, remember your adviser, Wiseman? Yeah. That guy was my dad, Kahn, wearing a funny mask. And it was also GRAHF! Your top adviser was goddamn GRAHF! 'I used my POWER to kill everyone on the planet' Grahf. That is how goddamn awful a ruler you are Zephyr. So I’m now to go kick Deus ass. Why don't you go trip into a carbonite freezing cage or something so after this ends I can stick you in some courtyard somewhere as a monument to the biggest fuck up ruler the planet has every seen! Thanks for fucking NOTHING, Queen of Shevat.
Bart: Holy crap, dude.
Fei: *grumble* “I’ve been holding that one in for like a month... C’mon. Let’s go do some sidequests or something...
**Upon being faced with the massacre of Billy's entire church**
- "Father, forgive them for they know not what they chu."
- The Running Gag of, "Really? Fei Fong Wong? That's what you're going with?"
- Any time the tldr recaps make fun of the use of proper nouns without context, but especially:
Cain: Goddammit! I told you kids not to use the Proper Noun! Now go back to bed!
Gazel Minister: No, fuck YOU dad! We're using the Proper Noun!
Cain: Me and my flatscreen TV laser says otherwise!
Gazel Minister: RAAAAAHHH!!!
Cain: I'm taking off the belt next time I have to come back here.
- The summary of all the crap that's happened to Billy in about 24 hours mostly because it Crosses the Line Twice.
- Not, of course, that this isn't in line with the rest of the party:
Ellie: *sigh* Again...?
Bart: *yawn* Looks that way...
Billy: What are you two talking about?! This is...this is a massacre.
Bart: Yeah...probably should have mentioned we kinda run into a lot of massacres, disasters, and otherwise bad news... At first I thought it was just because of Fei being some sort of jinx. But...well...here we are...
Billy: What...? You two make this sound routine.
Bart: Look kid, in the last month I nearly drowned in quicksand. Twice. Was involved in a botched coup where I almost got shot up by like 50 dudes. Had my base invaded by a Gebler hit squad. And had that ship we were just riding dropped on me. On land.
Ellie: I had a botched mission result in contributing to the destruction of a rural village. I was nearly eaten by a dinosaur. Committed several acts of treason before deserting the military. I nearly had a giant bomber ship fall on me. And I had the airship I was riding blown up by a SAM.
Bart: Sorry about that. But, don’t forget when you got mind controlled and nearly blew up my ship’s engine.
Ellie: Oh yes. That too...
Bart: And that Rico guy. Don’t even get me STARTED on what happened to him...
Billy: I am afraid to ask...
Bart: You know how he’s a giant green-skinned eyesore? Let’s just say he wasn’t green when he started rolling with us.
Bart: Heh. Nah, I’m just bullshitting you with that last one. I’ve only talked to that guy like once ever. But I wouldn’t be surprised if that were the cases.
We go straight from bible quotes to space: the final frontier. What does God need with a starship? Well, just because it is God doesn’t mean He lacks the occasional lazy afternoon where He just feels like hitching a ride across town.
- Also from the Xenogears LP, the very first post holds some great lines:
Anyhow, it is a very big starship. Or...well, maybe the cameraman is just massive and the spacecraft is really tiny due to a screwed up perspective...? Kinda makes you think, doesn’t it? Very deep.
See...? There’s even cute little space cities inside the thing. It looks like a lil’ human ant farm. Wait... No! Don’t tap on the glass! It specifically states you shouldn’t tap on the glass!
Well, Goddammit... I hope you’re happy now! Now nobody gets to look at the tiny space people anymore!
Anyhow, something seems to be going very wrong aboard the Galactica. Some jerk networked the mainframes to get more FPS in The Witcher 2 and now the Cylons are all up in everyone’s shit. Good job, Phil. I bet you couldn’t even make it past the tutorial fight.Gazel Minister #1: Purchase the cloaking upgrade.
Gazel Minister #2: We do not have enough points to purchase the upgrade.
Gazel Minister #3: -He- would have had enough points to activate cloaking.
Gazel Minister #4: I didn't ask for this.
Gazel Minister #5: It is just as it was 6 years ago.
Gazel Minister #6: Nay. The unclean -Lambs- Invisible War heresy is buried and forgotten.
Gazel Minister #7: That does not rule out the possibility he planned it this way intentionally.
Gazel Minister #8: Ohmigod. JC. A bomb.
Fei: I'm the Dragon-slaying Slacker.
- Fei explaining the name he used to enter into the Bledavik tournament.
Bart: I get the second part... but isn't 'dragon-slaying' a bit much?
Fei: I beat a tyrannosaurus to death with Weltall a couple days before I met you.
Bart: Yeah right.
Citan: It is true. I delivered it to him with my Land Crab. He was attempting to fight it on foot prior to that.
Bart: ...Remind me not to piss you off.Billy: ...Do I know you from somewhere?
And so Chuthulhu grew five stories tall. Hello. WHAT?!?!Achtzehn/Nikolai: ...
- EVERYONE'S reactions to Chuthulhu the giant Chu-Chu. Even The Dark Id himself can't contain his disbelief.
Achtzehn/Nikolai: ...You’ve got to be shitting me.Fei: Hey, Bart.
Fei: Am I high as shit or did the pink furry thing just grow like 20 times bigger...?
Bart: Man, I don’t even care anymore.
Billy: Welp. I am officially an atheist.
Elly: *sighs and grumbles something in Solarian*
- The whole Resident Evil series. All of them belong here. ESPECIALLY Resident Evil 4.
"Leon ditches Ashley out in the open in an area just filled with people trying to capture her. Nice guy. Then again, she's not remotely awesome enough to ride... The Fantabulous Magma Transversing Gearmatic Device!"
Mendez: Legs are for Bears fans.
- The U3 fight. The entire U3 fight. The horrible abomination Boss Battle turns into a Musical Episode with the monster (which has the head of Gene Simmons) and Leon singing. And then Bono enters into the picture...
- The fight against the Verdugo is turned into a grudge match between Leon and his half-brother Todd (yes, a monster happens to be Leon's half-brother, just roll with it), and ends with an out-of-nowhere interlude where Bitores Mendez welcomes the Verdugo to "Second-Banana Heaven".
- Leon vs Mendez. Starts with a dance-off in which Leon cleans Mendez' clock, then Mendez gets angry and lashes out at Leon who promptly kicks over a drum of Mountain Dew and shoots it, igniting it. It then becomes a showdown between Packers fan Mendez and Bears fan Leon.
God: COEN!! WILLIAM LESTER COEN!! THAT IS QUITE ENOUGH!
- There was this gem from his Resident Evil 1 remake LP, when Chris finds the articles about S.T.A.R.S..
S.T.A.R.S. TEAM INVESTIGATES MISSING BICYCLE. SIX DEAD.
R.P.D.S FINEST DEFUSE HOSTAGE SITUATION WITH GRENADE LAUNCHERS. FIFTEEN DEAD.
RACCOON CITY SPECIAL FORCES TEAM CRACK DOWN ON FOURTH OF JULY FIREWORK BAN. FOURTEEN DEAD.
S.T.A.R.S. LAUNCHES NEW PR CAMPAIGN. HIRES MINORITY MEMBERS AND 18 YEAR OLDS. THREE DEAD.
BRIAN IRONS LAUNCHES BID FOR MAYOR. S.T.A.R.S. SECURITY DETAIL STOP ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT BY 81 YEAR OLD REPUBLICAN TERRORIST. FOUR DEAD.
BRAVO TEAM GOES MISSING IN ARKLAY MOUNTAINS. ALL PRESUMED TO BE DEAD.
ALPHA TEAM LAUNCHES SEARCH AND RESCUE MISSION FOR MISSING BRAVO TEAM. NINE DEAD.
- The Rant Inducing Slight caused by meeting zombie sharks:
The Dark Id: Now, it's a bit far fetched that you'd find sharks in the middle of a mid-western wooded mountain. But, it's Umbrella and I can see them importing that shit here. What I cannot fathom is the need for zombie sharks. Look at this fucking thing◊. This creature does not, in any way, need the 'undead' attribute under its belt. What is it going to do? Spread the virus to the hand it left behind because it fucking ate everything else in one chomp? The fruits of the T-Virus labor here seem to be, surprise, making a really big ass shark. Now at least if James fucking Bond is trying to sneak into one of Umbrella's secret underwater bases, they've got that covered. Assuming they could control the sharks, which they cannot, and we assume the shark would not eat James Bond otherwise, which it would. In what other instance will a shark be any remote use for a biological weapon? This isn't like the usual 'whoops, we had an accident' monster creations. Umbrella actually built a multi-million dollar underground "Aqua Ring" to culture shark bio weapons to sell to the highest bidder. Which brings us back to James Bond. Since who in the fuck else but Bond Villains would be in the market for gigantic fucking zombie sharks? Even then, you know they're just going to be stuck into a pit while Bond and the secretary he's fucking that week is lowered slowly into said pit! In summary, zombie sharks are fucking retarded, even for Umbrella standards. Thank you for your time.
- The epic but ridiculous battle in the center of what maybe either Chris's mind or time and space itself between him and the vengeful Billy "FUCKING" Coen. To wit: The Dark Id shows Ghost!Billy possessing a Hunter and killing poor Rebecca as revenge for killing him at the end of Zero (It Makes Sense in Context) and Chris kills him in retaliation. After that, things get weird as during the Resident Evil 2 LP, Rebecca was supposed to repair Todd Kennedy's window. The result is a Time Paradox of mad proportions resulting in Chris ending up in Sprite style and being menaced by Billy possessing a bird and trying to rip his eyes out. THEN they have a battle in the style of Soul Calibur 3, custom characters and all with Chris wielding a simple knife and Billy armed with a giant fuck-off zweihänder. THEN it becomes a brief battle film as done in The Movies with Chris winning a knife fight by pulling out his shotgun and plugging Billy right in the chest. THEN it comes to a head when various members of the STARS team from beyond the grave (From various Resident Evil comic panels) attempt to encourage Chris to fight back. After that, he ends up rescuing Rebecca. TWICE for good measure (One in PSX style, the other in the remake). And it is so ridiculous as to be the funniest thing an LP of Resident Evil can be.
- The earlier acid trip Chris has after getting poisoned by Yawn, done like a Text Adventure game, complete with a cameo from the very posh El Gigante and Claire. It comes out of nowhere and makes for a surprisingly chortlesome sequence.
- The climax of the Resident Evil (1) LP. Tyrant-Billy has Chris and the others on the ropes. Brad drops down a boombox leading to a brief screenshot-music-video thing to the tune of "Paint It, Black". Then Brad drops down the rocket launcher after realising his mistake. Of course, it turns out Tyrant-Billy's having trouble adjusting to his new body, and then...
God: YOU'VE TAKEN A PISS ON MY CREATIONS LONG ENOUGH!
Tyrant-Billy: But... Err... But... Have you taken a look at this thing? I... I don't think you made this one...*Shows the rocket launcher*
God: LET ME TAKE A CLOSER LOOK THERE! HMM! WOAH! WHAT IS THAT THING?! I'M NOT BITING THE BULLET ON THAT ONE!!
Tyrant-Billy: So... You're giving me a pass here, right?
God: YOU'RE AN ABOMINATION, WILLIAM! IT IS ONLY FITTING THAT THIS BE YOUR NEW CAGE OF FLESH! YOU WILL WALK THE ETHERAL LIMBO NO LONGER! YOU ARE BOUND HERE UNTIL YOUR UNDOING!
God: I'LL DO NO SUCH THING!
Chris: Hey! Fuck you... Billy... FUCKING... COEN!
- Then Chris gives the final shot to Billy with the perfect Bond One-Liner:
Before I begin my description of the following events, are you all familiar with Castlevania 64? The black sheep first 3D installment of a rather mediocre line of 3D entries into the Castlevania series. This title had a laundry list of problems going for it, but I found it to be somewhat enjoyable. That is, except for one portion midway through. At the "Castle Center" area of the game, the player is tasked with recovering some "Magical Nitro" to blow up a wall or something of that nature. The catch? You have to transport it clear across the area. The bigger catch? If you jump, fall down anything larger than a step, or get hit by an enemy, the nitro would explode and you would die instantly. So, there was of course moving platforms, unguarded rails, turning gears, a load of enemies and other hazards designed to blow your character's ass to vampire slaying heaven. This section was so ill designed that not only was the entire development staffed [sic] shunned from society, but the effects of its shittiness traveled down the family line causing a mass of seppuku among developers' ancestors several generations back in time. Of course, with their ancestor's death, the development staff never existed to design the stage in the first place, thus ripping a hole in the space/time continuum. Though the universe has a way of sorting itself out and Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness sprung into existence. This would still give a valid excuse for the developer's ancestors to kill themselves, but still have the existence of a subpar Castlevania spin-off in the future. The Castlevania 64 we all know today was a product of time ninja meddling. Thus balance was restored.
- His sudden comparison of the Nitro Express part in the laboratory to a similar part in Castlevania 64 which becomes a tale of a time paradox:
Narration: Just when Leon thinks it can’t get any goofier…
- The near entirety of his Resident Evil 0 LP, which gives us gems as Billy "FUCKING" Coen being an incredible Jerk Ass (and Jewish), the T-001 Tyrant being a mad drunkard, the leeches as Gang Bangers and Rebecca paying back Billy's cruelty at the end by shooting him in the head. The crowning moment of hilarity comes when, while reading James Marcus' diary expressing his adoration for his prized leeches, Dark Id comes to a horrifying conclusion. Leeches!
The Dark Id: ALERT: DR. MARCUS IS FUCKING LEECHES! I REPEAT: DR. JAMES MARCUS IS GOING DOWN ON LEECHES!
- Billy comes back in the REmake LP as a ghost merely antagonising Rebecca and Chris before moving on to full blown villainy when he gets Richard Aiken killed and possesses various creatures in an attempt to kill the heroes.
- A combination of both a CMOF and CMOA came during the LP of Resident Evil 4 during Episode 32, especially when Leon stabbed Salazar in the hand. ICE BURN!
Narration: Leon does the usual in the farm (read: pillage and plunder.) There's not much talk around the water cooler these days.
- At one point, Id exposits that "ganado" (the villager mooks) means "cattle". Then, Leon comes across the decrepit farm about 20 minutes into the game:
Leon: (seeing a hay bale filled with corpses) I can't believe this. These are all dead bodies
Narration: After Googling what Ganado means, he decides to play it safe.
Leon: (blows up a cow with a hand grenade)
- When he sees the giant mechanical statue of Ramon Salazar...which later comes to life and chases him...
(Statue of Ramon Salazar starts charging down the pathway after Leon)
Narration: …he is proven gravely wrong.
Leon: (fleeing for his life) “Join the Secret Service, they said! See places, protect the leader of the free world, they said!” They never tell you midgets with giant fucking walking clockwork statues would be chasing me around. Just had to drop out of college. Just had to have a job where you shoot things. Just like in the movies, right Leon? I could have been a doctor, a lawyer, a blogger. Stupid Leon… Stupid!
(Leon finally escapes into the next area...only for it to keep chasing him)
Leon: WHERE DOES HE KEEP GETTING THESE THINGS?! (makes a flying leap just as it collapses, destroying the path and falling into the abyss) That did not just fucking happen to me…
(Leon enters the next tower, only to be met by Salazar)
Salazar: So nice you could join us, Mr. Scott Kennedy
Leon: You again. What the fuck were you thinking with that just then? Serious, I fought a giant blob with a teethed vagina for a mouth on the back of a speeding train in an exploding secret underground laboratory during a zombie outbreak and it wasn't a tenth as out of line with what I just went through.
- Said statue also bellows out "REMEMBER ME" with flames shooting out of its eyes.
- Beeeeeeeeesss! They're in my shoes! They're in my shoes!
- In the Resident Evil 2 LP, the perfect response to the revelation of the G-virus reproductive method:
Alright, when you've created a monster who's [sic] base instinct is incest, it's time to go right the fuck back to the drawing board.
- One of the twin El Gigantes giving a thumbs up as it sinks into molten metal. The fact that they're both in what seems to be a gay BDSM relationship is icing on the cake.
- Imagining what will happen if, after going One-Winged Angel for the final boss battle, Saddler kills Leon and recaptures Ashley, but then can't change back:
The President: What do you want?
Saddler: (appears on viewing screen) Just a simple donation to the tune of...
The President: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?! JESUS CHRIST! GET ME THE PENTAGON!!
* nuclear explosion*
- In-game during the REmake, Jill asks Wesker what he's planning. Id's response?
The Dark Id: It's going to take a godawful amount of retcons to answer that question...
- Id's reaction to Tyrant Morpheus's first appearance in Resident Evil: Dead Aim.
- Id's reaction to an electricity based puzzle in an industrial section of Raccoon City in Resident Evil 3:
- The Dark Id: Right...so these are unlocked by fucking with the city's power grid.
Larry: Hey, Lou I forgot my keys in the back room.
Lou: Larry, this is the third time this week!
Larry: Look, just power down the south east grid so I can grab them and get home in time for That 70's Show.
Lou: But the hospital is on that grid.
Larry: Don't be a baby. I'll just be a second.
Lou: Tch... Fine.
- Resident Evil 2 has the first few instances of Señor X... wearing a sombrero and sporting a moustache. Leon takes him down and tries on his hat before discarding it and tossing it out the window because it doesn't suit him. What Señor X says as his first line sets the tone for what The Dark Id has in mind for him:
Señor X: *Bursts through a wall*
Señor X: ?Donde esta mi sombrero?note
Señor X: Oficial de policia, yo necesito mi sombrero.note
- His sudden appearance on a security monitor turns into this as he's still looking for his hat, and Leon was just looking for something to watch:
Leon: Yuck, subtitles.
Señor X: Sí, señor. It's a boss fight, ese.
- And their final battle with the now mutated Señor X having one last pop at Leon. Oh yeah, and he's wearing a sombrero again. MADE OF FIRE.
Leon: Wait, you can speak American?
Señor X: It's called English, idiota.
Señor X: Your discrimination over de country of my origin is most disrespectful, mah. At least I can hold a job. What are you doing, eh? Lost your job on your first day? Itz pathetic, ese. What kinda cop are you?
- And the resulting exchange not a minute later with Señor X losing his patience and Leon finally admitting the truth:
Leon: Shut up! Shut up! I hate essays! I cheated on my final exam at the academy! No... I never even went to an academy. I got my certification on some website I Googled. I put down I had 20 years of law enforcement experience I was on a Counter-Terrorist team on my application... That was a fucking Counter-Strike clan... How was I to know they'd actually hire me?!
Señor X: Man, too much information...
- Leon's final one liner...
- Code Veronica: Claire's "fight" with Nosferatu/Alexander Ashford. Said monster dons a top hat and a monocle and has swatted Steve aside. And then...
Nosferatu/Alexander: Madam. I would like to have a brief moment of your time. For, I am Alexander Reginald Ashford. Master of the esteemed Ashford Family and descendent of the brilliant Veronica Ashford. After a long and most unfortunate slumber, I have returned to restore the Ashford Family name to its rightful place among the world's first and finest[...]Now, madam. If you will, allow me to give you a brief history on the lush history of my fine family line. The Ashfords were founded by the legendarily beautiful and intelligent Veronica Ashford. Truly, our family would have never reached the highs it has today, lacking the foundation she built upon it. Following her, came her son Stanley Ashford. A nobleman of true character he was-Narration: Some time passes...
Nosferatu/Alexander: Following his death, his twin brother, Sir Arthur Ashford took the reins of the family seat. Under his leadership, the Ashford family reached new heights. At which point, there was-
Narration: Another span...
Claire: Ugh. I think this lecture is giving me a headache...
Nosferatu/Alexander: Under Sir Edward Ashford, my father, the Ashford Family oversaw the creation of Umbrella Incorporated alongside Lord Ozwald Spencer and Sir James Marcus. With their help the Ashfords-"
Narration: Nearly as long as a single average Fetch Quest...
Claire: *Snaps and draws Alfred's sniper rifle*
Nosferatu/Alexander: Ah, yes, madam. That rifle was handed down to my son, Sir Alfred Ashford, on his sixth birthday. Finely crafted by a master gunsmith in Switzerland, the rifle was fine tuned to a standard only fitting for the fine Ashford line. But why, dear lady, do you possess my successor kin's weapon?
Claire: I've got you now! *Fires and blows out his heart*
Nosferatu/Alexander: One moment, please, madam. *dons a monocle*
His monocle: *Classic monocle pop. Nosferatu falls down dead.*
We are back at the train wreckage in the basement of the Training Facility... Which means the training facility is apparently built right on top of the warehouse to Birkin's lab and is, in turn, right on the outskirts of Raccoon City. Except, we rode a cable car, underground again, mind you, from this facility to the same point as the elevator we just got off of. *Psyduck emoticon*
- The Show Within a Show MST of Survivor courtesy of Claire, Steve, Alfred controlling their cargo plane via remote control, and said plane having cable TV installed.
- Resident Evil Zero has Rebecca accidentally stumble upon the underground Umbrella lab from RE2. Then she finds an elevator that...takes her back to the train wreck bit underneath the training facility despite how abso-fucking-lutely nonsensical it is.
- Onimusha Warlords:
Kaede: Samanosuke! I ignited the gunpowder!
- From the same LP, Dr. Cyrus Norman's increasing incredulity at the historical inaccuracy of the game, which results in him having a seizure halfway through the LP. His co-host, Dr. Albert Wily, has him temporarily replaced with Dr. Historiman, whose slanderous non-sequiturs tap-dance on the line of good taste.
- This video of NieR gameplay. In case you're wondering, that's a boar he's riding...
- His reaction to the reward for Life in the Sands.
- THE BOXMAN COMETH! THE TYRANNY OF PUSHING THE KING OF CUBES' BRETHREN ONTO WEIGHTED SWITCHES IS AT AN END!
- I can't believe there's no section here for Final Fantasy X.
Tidus: ...What in the actual fuck...?!
Exterior shot of the three of them at a strip club.
- Auron's flashbacks to a misadventure that he, Jecht and Braska got into.
Braska: I don't know about this...
Jecht: Come on, it'll be fine! What are you worried about?
Braska: But I'm married...with children!
Jecht: Yeah ditto. So what? Are you gonna see them anytime soon on this pilgrimage thing?
Braska: I suppose not.
Jecht: And HOW far did you say the next city was?
Braska: It is going to be a ways...
Jecht: Right. And we’re all still men here, last I checked. Men got needs! And we’re gonna go ahead and get those needs out of our system tonight so we can focus on this pilgrimage crap fresh tomorrow.
Jecht: You know it’s the right thing to do. C’mon Auron. I know you could use some relief for that stick up your ass.
Auron: ...I suppose it can't hurt.
Braska: *sigh* Fine.
Jecht: Hahaha! There it is! Let’s get this party started up in here!
—>One hour later... the club is on fire.
Braska: ...Yevon help us...
Jecht: Okay, serious. NOBODY told me that a ‘Guado Firecrotch’ meant that the chick would literally shoot fireballs outta her business when she got pissed.
Auron: What did you think would happen?!
Jecht: I THOUGHT I was gonna get a show from a freaky tree elf chick.
Auron: There was a STRICT no touching policy.
Jecht: Look, I didn’t know there would be reading in a titty club. I don’t know how Spira works! This place is WEIRD! You guys gotta tell me this kinda stuff!
Yuna: Come on. What is that…? You can do better… Is that your best. Come on! Smile harder! Harder! Harder!
- TDI's take on Yuna teaching Tidus to fake smile (with a bit of Photoshopping) brings forth equal measures of hilarity and horror.
Tidus: Gimme a break, man. This is early 2001 graphics’ peak! Anymore and the polygons on my face are gonna…
Then this happens.◊
Yuna: Oh my gosh! Too hard! You’re smiling too hard!
Tidus: I…I CAN’T STOP!! I CAN’T STOP IT!!
Yuna: W-What?! What… what should I do?!
Tidus: Get me a… Umm… Go get a doct—no! A scientist! Go get a scientist!
Yuna: Okay. Just hold on!
- Despite his PS2 dying on him and forcing him to retire, he can still give gems such as this.
Nohman: Odd thing to ask about but does anyone know whatever happened to The Dark Id? That guy went from consistently banging out great LPs with updates near daily to off the map in short order. Did he die or something?
Id: Yes I died. TV in hell is all PewDiePie LPs, the latter seasons of 24 and Prison Break, alongside DOTA2 matches. It really isn't that much worse than modern programming back in the living world to be honest.
- Now adding the Fallout section.
- Id shows what happens when you give your character 1 INT. His character for this? Nowe!
- Id starts off with one of the pre-made characters, Albert note , and takes his first few steps into the Wasteland, rationalizing that although he's not the best fighter, he can surely survive. Cue Gilligan Cut of him being shot to death by bandits.
Id: Maybe… Maybe… we ought to go check out that character creator properly, huh…?
- Id's thoughts on Claire's redesign for Resident Evil: Revelations 2, after someone else points out the angry look on her face in a concept CG◊ and notes "how done she is with all this shit":
Id: Look, Claire made it through Raccoon City and made it through an Umbrella concentration camp and fucking Antarctica. That was enough shit for a lifetime. If her brother wants to go punch boulders in volcanoes and fight mutant supermen, good for him. Claire went "fuck that noise", went back to college, and got a real ass job. Of course she's pissed to be in BOW clusterfuck land again.
Especially if she got stuck with Barry Burton's fucking daughter and not the actual man. That's like getting stuck in a highrise full of terrorists and being paired up with John McClane's..... nephew. That's just some spiteful shit the universe is doing to her and she's not having any of it.