Funny / Mock the Week

To be honest, there's far too much of this to all fit on the page. But there are moments which stand out:

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General/Outtakes

• This clip by Frankie Boyle, probably one of his most offensive jokes EVER.
  • Closely followed by this.
  • And this.
• "Infuriate the yak!"
  • From that same episode, in the "Scenes We'd Like to See" segment, under the category of "Unlikely Things for a TV Announcers to Say", Hugh tosses out the line "For those of you interested, I'd like you to know I'm completely naked and playing with myself." The funny comes in when the credits roll and (if you have the fortune of watching the original broadcast) the female BBC announcer adds, after talking about the shows coming up next, "...and by the way, I'm not naked."
• From the second DVD, the panelists are asked not to make jokes about David Blunkett's blindness. So what do they do? Yeah.
  • What can get missed but is still quite funny: After the first round of jokes, Dara exasperatedly says, "It's like I'm in charge of a special school on a day out." Adam Hills, the Australian comedian with an artificial foot, jokingly takes offense. Dara then says "No, not physical stuff."
• "FIND A WOMAN! LEAVE THE PASTRIES ALONE!"
• At one point during the series 12 outtakes, this happens:
  Alistair McGowan: [picking a category] Ah... "Sport".
  Dara: Okay, your category is "Sport" -
  Hal Cruttenden: [while adjusting his legs under the desk, he whacks his knee hard on the underside, visibly flinching in pain] Oh, fuck!
  Miles Jupp: [seated beside Hal, he collapses into wheezing giggles]
  Dara: Sorry - [to Hal] You want to do that again, are you all right?
  Hal: Hit my knee! [he groans in pain while he rubs it]
  Dara: You hit your knee for no reason. Somebody said the category is "Sport" and you had a spasm in your leg?!
  Hal: [he nods sagely] I know!
• Due to series 19 being filmed in the middle of the COVID-19 Pandemic, the live audience is replaced by a video call audience. In episode 5, Dara jokes that it allows the panelists to spot potential points of entry in the audiences' houses. Later in the episode, Dara points out they wouldn't dream of breaking into their houses, and says they're probably ready for such an event. Cut to the audience, the vast majority of which pull out knives, hammers, a gun, and even a scimitar.
  • One episode has Dara and Ed Byrne keeping themselves occupied by playing Guess Who with the Zoom crowd - every time Dara asks if one thing about the secret face is true and Ed says it isn't, Dara eliminates all those outside of said description by getting those audience members to disable the video from their side.
    • A similar thing happens during a series 20 filming, when Dara realizes that one of their Zoom crowd has them in a split-screen setup while he works from home - cue pretty much everyone (Zoom crowd and comedians) trying frantically to get the man's attention until he finally looks up and blushes bright red as he realizes.
    • During another series 20 filming, Dara becomes passive-aggressive after noticing one audience member having a Would I Lie to You? background.
• Dara whiffs the pronunciation of his own name and Hugh immediately zings him:
  Dara: I'm Dara O'Brigeen - oh, for goodness - my own name. That's my name now!
  Hugh: What was fantastic about that is that it almost came out as "Dara Aubergine".
  Dara: Dara Aubergine. Perhaps you know me from my emoji? [knowing look]
• During the Season 19 Christmas Special, when discussing "Must Have Toys for Kids this Christmas", Dara brings up one of them: a "Got-to-Go Flamingo", which is basically a flamingo sitting on a toilet. One of the features was that it eats a sherbet and "does it's business". But unexpectedly, another feature was that it is able to repeat what other people are saying, which results in predictable results when placed next to Dara.

Episode Main Body

• During a discussion on the etiquette in polo and the idea that you're not meant to turn your back on the queen, Hugh states he did this after the queen showed up at his school after someone burned it down. Because he doesn't specify who it might have been, the result is jokes about it being the stage of her career when she was solving mysteries.
• Series 9 episode 5, where Dara introduces a story about how research has shown that people with large heads may be less affected by Alzheimer's disease. Specifically, an article he showed the panel that had referred to him as an example of someone with a 'giant head', even including a picture of his head with the caption 'EXTRA LARGE'. The panel proceeds to spend five minutes mocking Dara's big head non-stop. Poor Genre Blind Dara, though he does get the last laugh in the end.
  Dara: I was expecting sympathy!
  Ed: You were expecting sympathy?!
  Chris: "I revealed a weakness in front of six comedians, and I thought 'There's a group that'll help me through this!'"
  [audience laughs]
  Dara: I think of you all as friends; I don't think of you as comedians.
  • The outtakes show the panel mocking him further with such lines as "Oh, Dara, is it you, or an eclipse?" until finally, Russell shouts out "Fuck, your head's big!"
    • Lost in the shuffle was the "Forget about it!"
• In the first Christmas special, one of the viewers (an eleven-year-old boy) sends in a picture of what the Mock the Week studio would look like if it was under attack by Daleks.
  Dara: The worrying detail that Felix has picked up on is Frankie's role, where Frankie's, in fact, the king of the Daleks!
  (Audience Laughs)
  Frankie: I'm not the king of the Daleks, I'm their creator, Dara.
• The opening sequence, which proudly proclaims in a blink-and-miss-it way that "The programme makers accept no liability for anything whatsoever, at all, ever", amongst other gems.
• The whole discussion about Frankie Boyle's apocalyptic future visions, with the cities on legs.
• The first-episode exchange about the dangerousness of owls, culminating in John Oliver predicting (inaccurately) "I think we all know, hand on heart, that this is not making the edit."
• The DVDs have extra helpings of this. Of particular note are the "Porno Songs of Praise" discussion from the first DVD and the "Blunkett" section from the second.
• From Series 6 Episode 2, Russell Howard's method of stealing a chicken from a supermarket, which involved putting it on his head and simply walking off in the confusion. The reactions from the other hosts were priceless.
  Frankie: Why not go the extra mile and have sweeties for eyes and sausages for fingers? Was there nothing for dessert in your plan, Howard?!
• The 'what year will all the world's major cities will rise up on hydraulic legs and wage war for resources?' discussion.
• Dara pondering what the computer who randomly selected the 2012 Olympic tickets would sound like:
  Dara: The poor computer who picked these things randomly! There's some computer who's going "Computer didn't want to make people sad! Computer picked tickets randomly! Computer like all sports! Computer sorry he made people unhappy! No, computer not like diving! Diving bad for computer! Diving make computer not work! Why computer talk like Hulk?"
• Hugh Dennis' voice-overs in "Newsreel". Just about all of them. "The Machine" is probably the crowning example, due to his Diabolical Mastermind imitation of Lord Mandelson's voice.
  • Another was when he redubbed a world summit to make it like a pub quiz.
    "No decorations, I see. That's good. I'm Scottish, I don't do joy."
• Several of the Between the Lines segments with Frankie and Hugh. Notable mentions to the Replacement Scrappy example, David Beckham, Prince Charles, and this;
  Frankie: (as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad) "The American president is the son of a swine! I hope that one day, his body is identified by the teeth marks on my penis!"
  [Audience explodes into laughter. Hugh stares at the ground while Frankie presses his lips together to suppress his own laughter. Eventually -]
  Hugh: "I don't like George Bush."
  • Another example involving Osama Bin Laden starts off as you'd expect.
    Frankie: INFIDEEEEEEEEEEEELS!!!!!
    Hugh: ...Hi.
    Frankie: Try as hard as you like, I'm somewhere that you'll never find me.
    Hugh: I died five years ago.
    Frankie: Terror is the only way for Al-Qaeda to spread our message.
    Hugh: We tried T-shirts, but the overheads were monstrous.
  • The David Beckham segment of Between the Lines:
    Frankie: (as Beckham) I'm glad to have this opportunity to let you know what I'm thinking.
    Hugh: (stares blankly)
    Frankie: It's great to have left Real Madrid.
    Hugh: (still staring in front of himself with his mouth slightly open; Frankie has to suppress a smile) I hate Poland.
    Frankie: I've bought a house in LA, right next to the big HOLLYWOOD sign.
    Hugh: I'd love to know what it says.
  • And this bit from the Tony Blair one:
    Hugh: (in response to "Tony" declaring his method of choosing a successor) WHOMSOEVER PULLS THIS SWORD FROM THIS STONE...!
• The entire discussion about Adam Werritty (starts about 3 minutes in).
• In the seventh episode of season five, the entire panel teases Dara about him fancying Blue Peter presenter Konnie Huq, with Andy writing "Dara fancie Konnie Hoq" on a piece of paper. This show really is like a classroom, isn't it?
• The entire "pies with legs" discussion from episode 10 of the fifth series.
• The discussion, which starts at 19:44 in this video, on how David Davies described Sven-Goran Eriksson as "a seagull who wraps around people". As noted by Dara, "crazy-ass seagulls live in David Davies' mind!"
• Any time Mickey Flanagan does an accent.
  (later that ep, "Scenes we'd Like to See" does "Unlikely Agony Aunt Letters")
  Alan Cochrane: "Dear Deidre, I am from Nigeria and I'm fed up with Mickey Flanagan mocking my accent."
• "The ants, the ants, the ants are electric ..."
• Dara's 'conversation' with a hypothetical signer, consisting mostly of him waving at the corner of the screen.
• Any time Adam Hills takes out his prosthetic foot.
  "I think you'll find that defines sexy and creepy."
  —
  Russell Howard: Adam, have you ever put beer in your foot and drunk out of it?
  Adam: ...Yes.
• Frankie's plan for improving cricket: "Day three: release the jaguar."
• Hugh imitating an ill-timed Botox injection.
• From Series 7 Episode 9, Frankie and the racist door. This joke went on throughout the entire show.
  Dara: Do you actually have a racist door?
  Frankie: Yes, I do, on my children's show! Hello children, shall we open the racist door? Who's behind it? Ooh, it's Ching Chong Chinaman!
• From Series 6 Episode 9, most of what Frankie says about the Large Hadron Collider, "or to give it its proper name, the Black Hole Machine!"
  Frankie: It'd be nice if, when they find this particle, the whole of our reality dissolves, and a big sign comes up that says "Level Two."
  —
  Frankie: If my kid said: "can I have a train set in the attic?" I'd say yes. If my kid said "can I have a train set that might end the universe?" I'd say "hmm, what about a bike?"
  —
  Frankie: If it's a small one, that's the worst. This studio will be slightly dragged towards Switzerland every week until we look over and Russell will have been replaced by the gaping jaws of infinity.
  Russell: Hang on, he just said I'm gonna die on telly!
  Dara: We'll be banging on your fingers as you cling to the desk. "Go! Go proudly!"
  Russell: [miming holding onto the desk and losing his grip] "There's more space on Scenes We'd Like to Seeeeeeeee...!"
• Frankie's comment on the Polar Ice Caps melting.
  Frankie: The only hope after they melt is finding a button that says "press to restore the Earth's factory settings."
• From Series 11, Episode 9: A discussion of the remains of Richard III being found is sidetracked by Dara's AMAZING impression of Emperor Palpatine.
• From Series 11 Episode 10, Ann Romney is an arsonist and Mitt Romney doesn't know much about airplanes or fire. As seen here.
  Dara: Douse it in petrol, that will keep it quiet for a while! Old newspapers! Old newspapers! Smother it in shavings of wood! IT SEEMS TO BE GETTING BIGGER! How is this happening?!
  • "HELLO, I'M ANN ROMNEY! YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR MY HUSBAND AND HE WILL MAKE ALL OF THE WINDOWS ROLL DOWN IN YOUR PLAAAANES!"
  • Also, from the same episode, everything about badgers.
    Dara: It's the people who are killing the badgers. Why, Mummy? Why, Mummy, are the people killing the badgers?
  • Aaand the plebs.
• Greg Davies' impression of Peter Andre. Dara tries to stop him, but he keeps going to the point where everyone, Dara included, is absolutely losing their shit laughing.
  • In the Series 11 outtakes, Chris can't help noticing that Greg's impression of the Queen sounds like his Peter Andre impression, to which Greg responds, in the voice:
    "DON'T COMPARE ME TO THE QUEEN!"
• S13E11: The "Private Browsing" discussion.
• From Series 13 Episode 7, the ENTIRE conversation about the harp. All. Of. It.
  • They continue the gag in "Unlikely Small Ads"
    Josh: For sale: One harp. Really, really used.
    Katherine: Comedian seeks harp for no-strings-attached sex.
• "I love that! The hundredth program, and the first time we've been heckled by the audience!"
• The "Greek dance" episode. Newcomer Sara Pascoe's analogy comparing the Greek deficit and the EU with a pub and its storage of alcohol, which starts becoming ridiculously detailed.
  Andy: And this is supposed to simplify things in your head?
• Series 14, Episode 9. All of it.^note The episode was dominated by riffs on the spurious allegations against UK Prime Minister David Cameron supposedly having sex with a dead pig's head, and it pretty much Crosses the Line Twice... multiple times even..
• After one early Clip Show showed Dara dancing to the Real Song Theme Tune, the Christmas Episode of Series 14 takes it to its logical conclusion.
• Also from the Series 14 Christmas special, Dara's incredibly creepy talking teddy bear.
  Feddy the Teddy Bear "I would really like to eat you."
  Dara "WHAT!?!?"
• In Series 15 Episode 6, when the panel talks about the Conservative leadership election, and Dara pretends to be a dictator:
  Miles Jupp: You weren't elected, were you, to this position, Dara?
  Dara: I wasn't. I stole it in a bloody coup. And would do it again, my friend. People have disappeared from this show, Miles - and would again - for raising those exact kind of questions. Where's Frankie now, where's Russell now? Gone.
  Miles: You will be dragged through the streets, Dara. You will be dragged through the streets like Gaddafi. Then they'll be laughing.
  Dara: There were five regulars on this show - how many regulars now? Just poor, weak Hugh. Poor, weak Hugh, who I own. Hugh will always give the correct answer when I ask him to - won't you, Hugh, won't you, Hugh?
  Hugh: Your shoes are almost polished, sir!
  Dara: Thank you, Hugh. Hugh knows what's right for him. In other news...
  Hugh: I think you're terrific on the Megabus, sir.
• Series 16 Episode 2:
  (The answer is "8")
  Ed Gamble: "Is it 'The supermodel was fired because she what?"
  (groans from the audience)
  Dara O'Briain: "Are you booing him or society?"
  Nish Kumar: "Is it an all-supermodel audience?" (looks out at the crowd) "No!"
  (laughter from audience)
  Ed Gamble: (mock outrage) "What?! You're not gonna boo that? He just called you all fat!"
  Dara O'Briain: "He literally called you ugly."
• Series 16 Episode 4 has both Nish Kumar and Romesh Ranganathan, which Nish is delighted about because apparently, people have been approaching him in the street thinking that he is Romesh. It goes up to eleven when he mentions that his own mother describes him as a "poor man's Romesh".
  Romesh: Mate, if you dream of being a poor man's Romesh, you'd better wake up and apologize!
• Series 16 episode 10 leads up to this lovely Black Comedy moment:
  Hugh: My mum, for example, cannot turn on an induction hob - you know you have to put your finger on it like that, but it does not turn on because my mother, her circulation is so bad, her fingers are too cold. (cut to Dara looking aghast) When she used to come to babysit and stuff, she couldn't cook anything. You had to leave stuff on because she couldn't...
  Dara: Hugh, Hugh, Hugh... your mum's been dead for years.
  (laughter explodes across the panel, cut to Kerry Godliman doing a full Head Desk)
  Hugh: I'm thinking, it would be t...
  James: We all went to her funeral, Hugh!
  Angela: You gotta let it go, mate!
  James: We all sat in this formation!
  Hugh: Wouldn't it be awful if my mum went into a shop and had to do this...
  Dara: "Yes, because you scare people! "Oh my god, there's dead Mrs. Dennis! You died all those years ago! Why can't you be at rest?!" "Because my son will not acknowledge that I'm dead!"... So sorry by the way, to your mother... Lovely woman, I've met her a few times...
  James: Lovely woman.
  Dara: Lovely woman.
  James: And dead as hell!
• From Series 16, Episode 11:
  • A discussion of troubles within the Conservative Party leadership led to Dara comparing Theresa May to a schoolteacher and Boris Johnson as "the kid who starts the humming." Naturally, the panelists kept humming to undermine Dara's supposed authority as host.
    Dara: (stage whisper) "Stop undermining me!"
    (Miles Jupp starts the humming.)
    Dara: "Stop humming!"
    (The other panelists join in.)
    Dara: (starts banging on the buzzer)
  • When Hugh pulled out an old stick-on name tag, the rest of the panel found name tags for other panelists from the series. Nish Kumar was annoyed to find that his said "Tez," to which Dara replied, "I'm sure we've got a Romesh one somewhere."
  • While discussing the electric cars vs petrol cars, Nish compared it to going into a bake shop:
    Nish: "This cake has poison in it, this one has not-poison in it, I'm gonna go with the not-poison."
    Ed Gamble: "Wait, does the poison one have chocolate?"
    Nish: "Well, I don't know, but 'Chocolate Poison' was my wrestling name."
    Felicity Ward: (after the laughter has died down) "I never wanna see you in a unitard."
    Nish: (shaking his head) "Very hairy."
    Ed: "'Unitard' was actually my wrestling name."
    Hugh: (putting the 'Hugh' name-tag on his forehead) "My wrestling name is 'Hugh.'"
• In the Series 16 Christmas Special, one Milton joke has the entire panel groaning and laughing at the same time:
  Milton: Don't get confused, though. I rolled up a newspaper to hit a black widow, and the next thing I knew I wasn't allowed near Winnie Mandela.
  • This oddly shaped exchange:
    Dara: Meanwhile, remaining in Europe, what are the French facing a shortage of?
    Gary Delaney: Croissants.
    Dara: That's right. Why are they facing a shortage of croissants?
    Gary: Because they've run out of butter.
    Dara: They have - Why have they run out of butter?
    Gary: Because of Last Tango in Paris. (everybody melts down)
• In series 17, Dara brings up a story about schools in Devon banning a dance move, flossing aka Backpack Kid, although Hugh thought it originated from Fortnite - Nish deliberately asks Dara if he ever learned it, and Dara makes the mistake of starting his answer with the words "I can floss", which immediately has all the panelists and then the audience goading him into it:
  Dara: You can do that as long as you want, it really has no power over me...
  Ed Byrne: (to the audience) You're approaching this all wrong; I know this man, it's as simple as this... I don't believe you CAN do it!
  • And they finally convince him to do it, with Angela Barnes and newcomer Suzi Ruffel as his left and right sharks (both of whom turn out to be flexible enough to pull it off too):
    Rhys James: Watching that is the youngest I have ever felt in my life.
    Nish Kumar: If anyone thinks that had no satirical value, right, in a topical show, let me just say this: what happened there was the will of the people was respected no matter how stupid the idea.
• On the subject of people getting overly offended by innocuous comments:
  Ed Byrne: He also said that the UK's battle with Europe was like a seven-stone weakling doing battle with a 500-pound gorilla. I wasn't offended at the term 'seven-stone weakling'. (audience laughs) Dara, were you offended that he used the term 500- (audience laughs harder)
• Gary Delaney once accidentally referred to Princess Grace of Monaco as "Princess Monaco of Kent". The others (Dara, Hugh, Andy Parsons, Romesh Ranganathan, Tiff Stevenson, and Josh Widdicombe) proceeded to gleefully mock Gary for it for the entire episode, but he got his own back during "Scenes We'd Like To See" when the category was "Unlikely Things to Hear at the Dentist" (it's also worth noting that this was one of Hugh's top ten favourite moments of the show):
  Gary Delaney: This is most unusual, madam - you don't seem to have any teeth at all! What's that? You're here for a smear test? That's next door! [cue the audience and other comedians collapsing in grossed-out laughter] See, now if I'd have added Princess Monaco of fucking Kent to the end of that...
• Despite not really covering it like the other subjects, the story of Stormy Daniels' tell-all book and the resulting comparison of Donald Trump's... umm... little Donald still gets mentioned:
  Dara: It is literally in my notes, "how long till Donald Trump's penis is mentioned"...
• Series 17 episode 10 - the series' end is staring them in the face, leading to quite a bit of Serial Escalation when Ed Byrne starts picking at Angela Barnes' delivery, followed by Angela pointing out who on Ed's table she would do but then stopping at Ed, and then Ed Gamble questions Dara on how soon he would agree to do Dr. Brian Cox, which immediately has Ed Byrne physically throwing something at Ed Gamble, demanding he shut up while demanding a Say It Isn't So from Dara.
  Ed Gamble: (pointing at the stuff Ed Byrne threw) All of your humor is over there... (goes to pick it up)
  Ed Byrne: I literally have to bring a notebook so it looks like I thought of stuff.
  Ed Gamble: (reading from said notebook) "Ohh dee doh dee doh, leprechauns..."
• The series 17 Clip Show has several golden moments:
  • Dara has to read a particularly long bit off the cards concerning the English team at the World Cup, which he ultimately found to be generically boring, then sought to spice it up by re-reading all of it in increasingly hamtastic fashions.
    Dara: (very official-sounding) At the time of recording, we don't know the result of England's semifinal match at the World Cup...
    Ed Byrne: (even more official) No one could have believed...
    Dara: Across the universe, they gazed upon us with envious eyes...
  • One Scenes We'd Like to See led to Ed Gamble and newcomer Rachel Parris approaching the mike at the exact same time, and for some inexplicable reason neither of them thought to slow down or step back for a bit, leading to both of them actually meeting in the middle and coming within a hair's breadth of a Big Damn Kiss or something. And then Hugh steps in...
  • Speaking of Scenes We'd Like to See, longtime viewers will have noticed how certain sessions started a bit oddly with the way the guys on the far side couldn't reach their stand in time, the sort of takes that normally wouldn't have made it to broadcast. Naturally, the clip show has an example of one take that definitely didn't get broadcast, with Ed Byrne grabbing the mike and taking it to his side.
  • Tiff Stephenson realizing that she looks like the single mother of both Ed Gamble and Rhys James, which only serve to draw attention to the fact that Ed and Rhys even resemble each other to a degree:
    Rhys: I know I look like an ill you...
    Ed: No, you look like me if I was 12 and died in a coal mine.[...]
    Rhys: "Oh I used to be fat, but now I'm thin!" I've been thin forever, shut up!
    Hugh: I thought you looked like Russian doll-you.
    Rhys: I've never been inside Ed.
  • When they cover the story about a Japanese space probe picking samples off of a meteor still in motion, Dara going into "science guy" mode immediately leads to loud snoring from Kerry.
• More Ed and Rhys ribbing at the start of series 18, with all the guys playing around with the Gender Flip Snapchat filter - Ed ends up looking like "Rhys' fit mum", while Rhys comes out looking like what Ed loudly declared to be "Jailbait!"
  Kerry: (admiring her Perma-Stubble) This is what I'd look like if I got paid 25% more. (knowing look)
  Ed: (falsetto voice) "Oh, Rhys! I've come to pick you up from school wearing my shortest skirt!"
  • Sindhu Vee opts out of the gender-swap filter:
  Sindhu: Look, I'm from India. We have great hair, not just here (Hair Flip). I've spent so much on lasering stuff, so I never have to look like my brothers, never have a beard—and then you get this thing! And my daughters think it's funny, and I'm like "Wait till you're fifteen."
  • Rhys then had fun with it by swiping to a different filter, resulting in "It is me, Ed Gamble!" And then he swipes over to the "big teeth" filter for "It is me, Rob Beckett!"
• From the first 2020 episode after the American election, Tom Allen expresses his frustration that despite having an incredibly eventful week (Dominic Cummings being sacked, the presidential election, and a vaccine for coronavirus being found), they're still being asked about Brexit.
  Angela: The problem is when they did that vote, they should have made that clear. People were voting for different things. Like say you have a fancy dress party and the theme is just the word "risque", you're gonna have some going as Naughty Nuns and you're gonna have someone with a strap-on.
  Tom: That is a very naughty nun...
  [later]
  Angela: We've got to deal with it now, don't we? We can't just go back now. It'd be like expecting to be let back into the garden party after you just did a shit in the punch, you can't just...
  Tom: What are these garden parties you're going to?! Nuns with strap-ons? Shitting in the punch?!
  Dara: Our social life is really not up to Angela Barnes' standard...
• In episode 12 of series 19, Maisie Adam makes the mistake of mentioning that she grew up in "a dip" in Yorkshire. This led to a running gag about everything about Maisie's upbringing and family being extremely Oop North. The next week, when the answer is 'if this is the answer' was 40 million, Maisie's reply was "How many tweets have I received since last week asking me how's life in The Dip?"
• During the discussion on Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng's u-turn on income tax in that week's episode, Rhys announces that he has a list of 'u-turn' suggestions - none of which appear to be u-turns at all, or in Truss' control for that matter. Among the things he proposes are things that would never actually fly - such as an increase to the speed limit outside private schools and mandatory drinking on the London Underground - as well as uncanceling the show.

Headliners

• Crosses the Line Twice incarnate Frankie Boyle's answer to the acronym round DIRB?
  Frankie: "Is it [Alistair] Darling's Inuit Robot Butler?"
  • ICE FISHING.
  • Also his response to BTAD, with a photo featuring fleeing men in hazmat suits:
    Frankie: Is it "Bathtime Arse Disaster"?
    Dara: Yes, the answer was in fact, "Bathtime Arse Disaster".
• Gordon Brown Tickles Chickens.
• “Church Deny Wearing Bedspreads”
• The outtakes gave us: "Cherie: That's Anal Lube." And the ensuing conversation.
  • In another outtake as the group are getting ready; Russell starts talking to someone in the audience, who apparently had someone make him toast during college. This leads to Hugh announcing, "And if it's tasty, you can suck my cock!" Just as he says this, Frankie sits down next to him, looks up in confusion, and says, "That was a bad time to come in." After it's explained to him, Frankie says, "Toast? No one can suck my cock after toast!" just as Andy is coming in, leading Andy to respond "I picked a bad time to come in, then."
    Frankie: That's what I said.
• Due to the show's format of having a camera for every panelist, it was possible to keep filming certain bits when one or more panelists weren't at the table for whichever reason, even with the studio audience all present - this led to a Running Gag in the Clip Show each series when the wide shot camera would reveal that it was sometimes just Dara and Hugh, or just Dara and Ed Byrne alone at that table.
  Hugh: (grim tones) We don't need the others.
• The acronym round PTSD (Prescott To Stand Down) is full of fat jokes at John Prescott's expense.
  Frankie: (On Prescott's future memoirs) It's just going be the Domesday Book of food. "1976 was a great year for snacks, as that is when Marathon changed its name to Snickers."^note This is incorrect, the actual year was 1990.
  Hugh: "The Life of Pies."

Picture of the Week

• This epic moment:
  Milton: Apparently the Cabinet is becoming Euro-skeptic. I would imagine, thinking that Europe doesn't exist. (audience laughs) I had a near-Europe experience once when I was on holiday in Kent. I found myself in a tunnel, walking towards the light. And at the end, someone said "bonjour". It's not fair, I thought I led a good life.
  (extended beat as audience just keeps laughing, Dara is rendered speechless, Milton just starts writing something down)
  Andy: You're never quite sure which week Milton is actually mocking, are you?
• Also from the blown light episode mentioned below, a highly offbeat story about the use of tortoise mating sounds to lure a lost tortoise back to a garden.
  Ed Gamble: By the time they get to the money shot, the currency's changed.
  • Then the show breaks new ground in use of "news footage", a video where apparently the male is on top doing some hideous sounds while the female remains motionless and disinterested.
    Sara Pascoe: I know that that's tortoises, but can you see what it's like from our point of view now?
• Series 14 episode 9: The picture is David Cameron holding a pig. ^note See the above note to learn why this is important. As soon as the audience starts laughing, Dara announces that comedy is obsolete and starts packing his briefcase.
• Events are summed up quite succinctly in Series 15, Episode 5: ^note in which not only Britain's leaving the EU was discussed, but also their leaving Euro 2016 by way of Iceland and subsequently sacking manager Roy Hodgson.
  Rob Beckett: This has got to be the shittiest week ever, innit?!
  • And, subsequently, when asked to sum up what had happened to cause that comment:
    Rob Beckett: Hodgson's shit and we're out.
• Series 15, Episode 10: Dara reveals that Theresa May's nickname is apparently "Submarine", and he and Josh Widdicombe agree that it's actually a pretty cool nickname while debating the meaning. Then Hugh Dennis, of all people, points out the real meaning of the nickname: "always full of seamen". This is funny enough by itself, but Dara is seemingly left so upset that he (and everyone else) had avoided the low-hanging fruit that he begs the producers not to air the clip. Twice. They didn't listen.
  • It gets even funnier in the extended outtakes, in which Ed Byrne comes up with several more submarine-related innuendos. Mass Corpsing ensues.
    Ed Byrne: "I thought the point of a submarine is that it went down on you!"
    Dara Ó Briain: (exasperated) "Theresa May was called a submarine because she tends to disappear when she was most needed..."
    Ed Byrne: "I thought it was because she was always soaking wet!"
    [Dara completely loses his shit]
• Series 15, Episode 11:
  • Hugh Dennis going on a rant to defend British jam and the rest of the panel's reactions to it.
    Hugh: Can I just say, the jam thing irritates me, though, 'cause the jam thing is that we've been told there's an opportunity for Britons to sell jam to Europe. [Dara affirms this] That's the big opportunity, right? And all the Twitter comments were [he adopts a mocking tone] "Ha-ha, trying to sell jam to the French? All the French provide the - " [normal voice] All of that. They do, but we make really good jam. We make really, really good jam. And I hate this thing - I hate this thing, whereby...
    Dara: [mock scolding] Stop doing down the country!
    Hugh: Yeah, whereby everything that comes from France is more "sophisticated". Their jam just comes from a big jam factory near Marseilles. When I was a kid, we all thought Ski yogurt was incredibly sophisticated. It was made in Swansea!
    John Robins: When you started that, I thought "where is he going with this" and it's just like "Oh, he just loves jam!"
    Hugh: [still going] French jam is really complicated. I mean, it's not good for, because, you go to Waitrose -
    Dara: [exasperated] Jesus Christ...
    Hugh: You just want a jar of raspberry jam. Can you find it? You can find "framboise"^note Raspberry in French, what the fuck is that?
    Ed Gamble: I'd never expected jam to turn you into Nigel Farage!
    Dara: Hugh Dennis: jam fascist.
    Hugh: What I'm after is the freedom to boil our own fruit with sugar. That's what I'm after.
    John: Hugh, if you feel this way, you should join the Conserve-ative Party.
  • Dara's next question gets interrupted a couple of times, and then:
    Dara: Who gave a particularly impassioned speech in Parliament this week?
    Hugh: Can I just ask one question?
    Dara: Oh my God. Genuinely, oh my God!
    Hugh: Why isn't there - Why isn't there orange jam?
    Dara: Marmalade is -
    Hugh: No, that's not jam, that's got bits in.
    Dara: [listening to something from his earpiece] Yeah, I'm happy to move on as well. [he asks the question again]
    Ed Gamble: Was it Hugh about jam?
  • John Robins' rant about the career of Boris Johnson:
    John Robins: We knew he was a joke man fifteen years ago and he was on Have I Got News for You and I thought, fine, I like him on Have I Got News For You, and then he ran for mayor, and I thought "no one is going to elect the joke man to be mayor", and then he's the mayor, TWICE, and then he leads the Leave campaign, and you think, "no one's going to actually vote for economic suicide because the joke man tells them to", and they do, and then finally he's revealed to be the sort of self-serving toerag, Gove stabs him in the back, and you think "Woo-hoo! It's done, everyone knows the joke man is an idiot", and then, HE'S THE FOREIGN SECRETARY! I JUST HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE!
    Dara: (to Sara) Is he like this around the house as well?
    Sara Pascoe: He always gets jealous of my exes.
• Series 19 episode 2's picture, according to Dara, looks like someone's bleached the Minions. Dara suggests this despite stating he doesn't take part in the rounds, leading into nearly the whole panel (Eshaan Akbar, Ed Gamble, Hugh Dennis twice, Ed Byrne) claiming his idea as their own. This extends to the same episode's Scenes We'd Like to See.
  [during "Unlikely Lines from a Thriller"]
  Maisie Adam: You're not going to believe what they've done! They've bleached the Minions!
  Dara: (annoyed) My joke! My joke!
  [during "Unlikely Things to Hear in a Nature Show"]
  Hugh: I cannot believe it. Someone has bleached the Minions.
  • From the same Picture of the Week:
    Eshaan: Is this the wedding party at my big fat Muslim wedding?
    Dara and audience: Oooh!
    Ed Gamble: You know Eshaan is Muslim, right? You've all been reacting like I said those.
    [...]
    Ed Gamble: Is this the reception at my big fat Muslim wedding?

Spinning The News

• Can we just say "all of the alternate titles" and get it over with?
• Ed Byrne's rant about the DVD piracy warning.
  "Ooh, this music's so funky it makes me want to obey the law!"
• Any time Milton Jones gets a turn at Spinning the News. It's gotten to the point that the audience will pre-emptively start laughing before he even reaches the microphone. A few other comedians get this as well, such as Gary Delaney.
  • One of Milton's jokes had such a seemingly nonsensical set-up that the audience broke out into bemused laughter before he even got to the punchline, only for the punchline itself to be masterful:
    Milton: Tricky, isn't it, if you're both a moth and a sea captain? [bemused laughter] In charge of a ship... but up ahead... you see a lighthouse...
    [Milton mimes steering while gazing off into the distance in wonderment; the audience bursts out laughing again]
    Milton: You know you shouldn't... [yet more laughter]
• At one point, the chosen topic is "Scotland". The comedian who steps up to the mic? Frankie Boyle.
  Frankie: I have this covered …
• Russell Howard's fucking hilarious and extremely accurate summary of Britain's newspapers.
  The Daily Express: DON'T GO OUTSIDE!! IT'S FULL OF QUEERS, BLACKS, AND CRIME! OH, IF ONLY DIANA WAS HERE!
  The Daily Mail: "ASBOs, Muslims, speed camera, speed camera, ASBOs, Muslims, speed camera...
  The Sun: Are you a pedo? Are you a pedo? Having a banger in her tits - sixteen today - are you a pedo?
  The Independent: (Russell holding his hand out like he's choking someone) ARE YOU RECYCLING?! ARE YOU?! YOU JUST KILLED A POLAR BEAR!! YOU!!
  The Guardian: (Fanning with a wallchart) You silly little things. Tell them, Telegraph.
  The Daily Telegraph: CRICKET! CRICKET!
• During Russell's routine on travel, he laments how travel has become scary since 9/11, noting that people are stereotyping others as terrorists based on gender, ethnicity, and behaviour (‘Are they male? Are they shifty? Are they beige?’) and decrying how people have to take their shoes off in case they are hiding bombs - before suggesting that the real shoe bomber might be the man approaching the security area with a gait that would not be unseen at the Ministry of Silly Walks.
• Stewart Francis' skit on Family in Spinning the News - even Frankie burst out laughing!
• Series 15 Episode 11 John Robins gets the topic "Homelife". His then-girlfriend, Sara Pascoe, is also one of the panelists, which means he makes a lot of jokes about their lives.
  "As she pulled up on the bin bag I saw it stretching because I told her to get the heavy-duty bin bags, but she didn't because she doesn't listen... All of a sudden I heard a scream that I've never really heard before, because I'm not much in the bedroom, and I thought 'Well, that bin bag's split, hasn't it? Time to lighten the atmos with a few choice quips about why we use the heavy-duty bin bags.'"
• Right after that, James Acaster starts his turn with this golden bit:
  (The topic is 'Movies')
  James: Speaking of the movies, Sara Pascoe's an idiot.
  • Lost in the hubbub after that is this:
    James: I watched The Theory of Everything. Only complaint, it should have been called Look Who's Hawking...
• Milton gets the topic of "safety". The very first thing Milton does is take a massive spill on stage.
• Tom Allen goes into an extended bit similar to his grade school teacher's mental breakdown routine, this time about attending a hen party in Reading where he met someone who was somehow more Camp Gay than him, and somehow a better fit with the girls as a result. Up next is Milton on the subject of travel, and after a few internationally-themed jokes, he ends by mentioning one of the oddest things he ever saw on his travels... a hen party in Reading.
• Speaking of Milton Jones, an episode with Ed Gamble in an oddly Milton-like goofy print shirt inexplicably led to him adopting Milton's shtick - newcomer Larry Dean, who is Straight Gay, mentioned that he was in Dubai and experienced the persecution of homosexuality when his usual gay porn sites were blocked, and settling for straight porn earned him a knock on the hotel door and a chocolate from the hotel staff. Then Ed comes on...
  Ed Gamble: In my last job I was handing out chocolates in a hotel in Dubai.
• Newcomer Glenn Moore gets the topic of "Growing Up", represented on the Mockatron screen as a picture of the same boy at different ages (roughly 12, 18, 25, and 39) - except that the boy gains spectacles from the second stage onwards, making him look curiously like Glenn.
  Glenn: That's offensive...
  • Then Tom Allen is up next, with the subject of "Exercise", represented as an uber-ripped guy doing dumbbells (which he eyes up before going to the mic).
    Tom: Also a picture of me.
• Series 18: In Episode 11, Tom Allen has been given the topic of travel.
  Tom: I travelled from over there.
  • He then goes on about he went on a school tour trip to France, which he had to be part of the choir to qualify for. When he gets to the point where he's talking about his experience in a French hypermarket attempting to buy a croissant, things get hysterical.
    Tom: (sing-song voice) What is the date of your birthday? What is the date of your birthday?
• For the Grand Finale Dara joins Rhys James for the last edition of Spinning the News (with Hugh taking over as Host for the round), but decides to ask for a different topic when presented with Job Loss, to the shock of the panel.
  Angela: (from the desk) Is that an option!?
  Dara: Yeah, it's always been an option. Did you guys not know that?
  Rhys: Dara, I just had to improvise a Tom Allen impression!
  • Of course all the next topic was basically the same thing (Seeking New Employment), and Dara eventually settled on the third (Retirement).

If This is the Answer, What is the Question?

• During the fifth episode of series three when during If the Answer is... the quality control on Dara’s earpiece are apparently worn down to begging the panel to change the topic
• One answer is "Chickens, Nurses, and Rain". Hugh links them to a fictitious drama called "Monsoon Poultry Hospital", specifically the opening scenery and stage directions. The panel shortly follow suit.
  • Before it spread across eps, there was this gem from Milton:
    "Is it "Name three things"." (extended Beat before everyone laughs)
• From Series 14 Episode 6: A light explodes after Hugh makes a joke against a taxi company during If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question.
  The answer is 33.
  Hugh: If a Minicab says it's 3 minutes away... how minutes, uh—
  (light goes off, show momentarily grinds to a halt)
  Rob: Don't talk bad about Uber!
  Dara: Well, the Minicab industry has long fingers, doesn't it?
  (everyone starts laughing it off)
  Hugh: Well, from now on I'm taking a Black Cab!
  Dara: (apparently listening to his earpiece) We'll just carry on! It's easy for you to say! WE'RE BEING SHELLED HERE!
  Ed Byrne: The weird thing is, there was a very loud bang, but the light stayed on for ages!
  Rob Beckett: Is it "how many people just got sacked after that light exploded?"
  Dara: Okay, correct answer so we can get this thing done and get somewhere safe.^note It's the age of Serena Williams upon winning Wimbledon.
  • The image of Romesh Ranganathan, Sara Pascoe, and Rob Beckett reacting to the light was chosen to represent the episode on BBC iPlayer.
• When the question is "How long until they build a spaceport in the UK", Dara is astonished at how jaded the panel is about the idea of going into space - to the point Ed Byrne suggests it could be made more interesting with a faked alien attack. The crowner:
  Milton Jones: What a bunch of weirdos.
• One time the answer is just a 6. It's the number of North Korean nuclear missile tests.
  Angela: There are precisely 1500 (nuclear bunker) keyholders across the UK, precisely enough for 1% of the population... That 1% being government and not us.
  Ed Gamble: Not Dara, he's the science man. (audience laughs)
  Dara: I'll be at the door going "Hello? I think I'm the science guy", and on the other side of the door Brian Cox will be going "ah, no you're not."
  [later]
  Dara: Who is in the middle of all this?
  Ed Byrne: China?
  Nish: The whole of the rest of the world.
  Ed Gamble: South Korea.
  Hugh: (raised hand and all) It's Japan.
  Dara: Japan!... Because they fired it over Japan. In the same week they did the underground tests, they also fired a missile over Japan...
  Ed Byrne: But not on Japan... So it's really the Pacific Ocean that needs to worry.
  Dara: Yes, they fired a possible nuclear weapon over Japan and into an ocean that has life that reacts badly to having nuclear weapons fired into it...
  Ed Byrne: Do you know this because you're the science man? (audience laughs again)
  Dara: I am and the science man and (mock agitated) for god's sakes listen to me! There's a giant lizard out there and it's going to attack everyone! (audience laughs harder)
  Ed Byrne: But we can't close the beaches! It's Labor Day weekend!
  Dara: BUT MY WIFE DIED!! (to the camera) In the remake, that is....
• The answer is "Fat, Nappies and Condoms":
  Gary Delaney: (realising that he's alongside Hugh Dennis and James Acaster) I think that was all our nicknames in high school from right to left!
  James: I'll be glad to have that last one.
• The answer is "10 Minutes":
  Sophie Duker: "What is the average length of a woman's orgasm, if you're doing it right."
  Dara: Now you tell me.
  Ed Byrne: Man, who's bringing down that average?
• The answer is "95 Percent":
  Hugh: "How sure am I (Merry Christmas) that this answer will end up in the Christmas compilation?"
• Ed Gamble's reaction when one of the joke questions (the answer being '3.4 billion') was the number of times vegans would tell you they're vegan.
  Ed Gamble: I'm sorry, I find that offensive! I am vegan!
• The answer is "One Million A Week":
  Rhys James: Is it "During any given 'Mock the Week' series, how many tweets do I get calling me an 'anemic Ed Gamble'?"
• The answer is "Sparrows, Otters and Hedgehogs":
  Andy Parsons: What is the least favorite Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor?
  Frankie Boyle: What's on the menu at a Gypsy wedding?
  Frankie Boyle: As a kid, what animals did I dress up in Russian uniforms to reenact the Battle of Stalingrad - with the German forces being played by a lawnmower?
• The answer is 1/3.
  Andy: How many of the words spoken by Kanye West are about Kanye West?^note Even better, he pronounces Kanye as "Can-Ye", causing the others to rib him mercilessly, like Romesh saying "It sounds like you are asking someone if they are able to 'west'!".
  Miles Jupp: What emoticon would I use to tell someone that I've wrapped a rubber band around my scrotum?
  Rob Beckett: What I'm always missing from a threesome?
  Romesh Ranganathan: I'll tell you what it could be - honestly - what proportion of [the other] team have I seen completely butt naked? [Andy shrugs, Tiff looks to either side of her...and Rob cheerfully raises his hand and indicates it was him]
  Miles: [with an evil grin] Think of a fraction that sounds funny if you say it with an Irish accent?
  Dara: [he sighs] Yes, the fraction I say as "one-turd"...
  Miles: Yes, that's it - what a funny country!
  Dara: [he glares at him as the others break down in laughter - including some hilarious wheezing from Romesh - and then sweetly replies] You're not on Radio 4 yet!
• During Series 20 Episode 7, in which the answer was 1.5 seconds, Maisie Adams asks "how many seconds into a party does Hugh mention that he was in the new James Bond film?!" And cue everyone making fun of Hugh and his small role in it.
• Series 21, Episode 2: Milton pretends to feel betrayed when Dara announces that this episode (Milton's 50th) will be his last.

Scenes We'd Like to See

• Whenever the topic in "Scenes We'd Like To See" involves rejected exam questions, you know there's got to be at least one good question. Examples:
  • Andy: If sine 'a' over 'a' equals sine 'b' over 'b' equals sine 'c' over 'c', what are the chances you're ever going to use this in your sodding adult life?
  • Hugh: Amy is 16. At least she said she was. How much trouble are you in?
  • Ed B.: Biology: Without singing, what is the knee bone connected to?
  • Frankie: Tick the box A, B, or C to receive the grade A, B, or C.
  • Russell: Wayne lives 3 miles away from Kaylie and Martin lives 6 miles away from Wayne. Who got her pregnant?
  • Ed B.: Chemistry: What's that smell?
  • Andy: Katie Price is supposedly worth 8 and a half million pounds and has got a thriving TV career. Explain.
  • Frankie: Describe Uranus without telling your parents.
  • Ed B.: Biology: Take the dead rat, dissect it, remove its head, and nail it to the canteen door as a warning to other rats.
  • Russelll: Using Darwin's Theory of Evolution, explain Boris Johnson.
  • Frankie: There are six lines of equal length. How long will Kerry Katona be in the bathroom?
  • Andy: Your mum's a slag. Discuss.
  • Hugh: Two cars are speeding. One is being driven by a black man. Which car will be stopped?
  • Andy: English: Is standards declining?
  • Ed B.: What does the French phrase "deja vu" literally translate as?
  • Milton: Who predicted the first fridge? Was it A: Nostradamus, B: Prepostradamus, or C: Defrostradamus?
  • Frankie: If I add ¹⁄ ₈ to ¹⁄₁₆, how stoned will I be?
  • Andy: Using the paper provided, roll up a joint and pass it round.
  • Holly Walsh: What is amnesia? Is it: A. Memory loss, A. Memory loss, or 4. the Battle of Hastings?
  • Milton: Quantify n in terms of q when q is a positive integer that dissects a parabolic curve— how's your lucky pencil case now, eh, eh, eh?!
  • Ed B.: Metal work: Fashion a toast rack. Heavy metal work: Release a double album about your love of Satan. (throws the horns)
  • Russell: With illustrations, describe the prophet Muhammad.
  • Hugh: Modern politics, question one: What the fuck?
  • Andy: A lot of people have complained that these exams are too easy. Is the answer A. Yes or B. David Beckham?
  • Ed B.: Why do mummy and daddy not love each other anymore? Was it something you did?
  • Angela Barnes: Please open your biology question books where you will find a picture of the male sexual reproductive organ. Mr. Tyler keeps doing that, that's why we had to let him go.
  • Hugh: History of Modern Arts, Question 1: What the fuck is that meant to be?
  • Ed B.: David has one banana in his pocket or is he just pleased to be in an exam question?
  • Frankie: Spell "Mississippi" without looking at how we've spelt it in the question.
  • Ed B.: Write an essay about your favorite hobby, but write it in foreign.
  • Hugh: Was Elizabeth the first... no? Then who did you lose your virginity to?
  • Russell: What is the name of the force that pulls objects towards the centre of the Earth? Is it a) gravity or b) magic?
  • Hugh: This is a picture of Napoléon Bonaparte. Which part of Napoleon's boner is it?
  • Stewart Francis: Without swearing, describe Peter Andre.
  • Ed G.: Advanced Bullying Question 1: Dickhead says what?
  • Micky: What is the name of that round thing they throw at the Olympics? Discuss.
  • Ed B.: Geography: Locate Copenhagen. Den mark it on de map.
  • Chris: Mental arithmetic: Count up the voices in your head.
  • Hugh: Animal husbandry, Question 1: Do you take this sheep to be your lawful wedded husband?
  • Ed B.: What does the French phrase "deja vu" literally translate as?
  • Hugh: If Mary has six apples, Thomas has four apples, and Gavin has a knife, who has the apples?
  • Stewart: Does this look infected?
  • Ed B.: Theoretical physics: Discuss the theoretical possibility of time travel. You have one hour, starting three hours ago.
  • Frankie: If everybody in class A is called Tom, Thomas, or Tommy, and every second boy in class B is called Tim, Timothy, or Timmy, what the fuck is going on?!
  • Ed G.: If a boy is bullied at school for eight hours a day and has to use comedy as a defense mechanism, WHO'S THE REAL LOSER NOW, NEIL JOHNSON?!
  • Hugh: Using only the English language... [Beat] write something!
  • Ed B.: Using only the mass of the ass and the angle of the dangle, calculate the measure of the pleasure.
  • Stewart: What are Canadians renowned for saying? A.
  • Nish Kumar: Why is Piers Morgan...? (walks off)
  • Larry Dean: If you have two lines of equal length, how long is it until you can run for office?
  • Ed G.: If Tony is 35 and Jane has just left a relationship with him, WHY DID SHE WASTE THE BEST YEARS OF HIS LIFE?!
  • Hugh: Translate the following into German: "Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo-dah, doo-dah".^note A Crowd Chant sung by supporters of the England national football team to the tune of "Camptown Races" as part of the England–Germany football rivalry. It refers to the United Kingdom's victories in the First and Second World Wars, and England's 4-2 victory against West Germany after extra time in the final of the 1966 FIFA World Cup.
  • David Mitchell: Vladimir has 10,000 tanks; you have three. Why would you start a war? Discuss.
  • Hugh: Discuss the metaphysical meaning of the following poem: "My friend Billy has a ten-foot willy."
  • Holly: What is amnesia? Is it: A. Memory loss...
  • Rhys James: This is your practical PE exam. For thirty marks, bully that little pale boy until he has to become a comedian.
  • Andy: If you mix blue and yellow, how crap is your government?^note Blue and yellow being the colours associated with the Conservative Party and the Liberal Democrats, who were in a coalition government at the time
  • Ed G.: Solve X and Y by asking my ex, "WHY?!"
  • Hugh: Teaching practice, question one: Who threw that?
  • Andy: Do you think kids spend too much time with their PlayStation? Answer Cross, Triangle, Circle, or Square.
    • Andy Parsons adds another: "If Sally buys three oranges and two apples, how far south of Scotland is she?" Frankie immediately walks to the microphone and stares at him for a good five seconds before finally cracking a smile. He then follows up with: "Discuss the idea that Willy Wonka was a pedophile."
  • Milton: Cornwall has no capital: false or Truro?
  • Hugh: Theology: Is there a God? You better hope so, look at this next question.
  • Rhys: This is your politician entry exam. Please avoid answering any of these questions.
  • Andy: Discuss the use of juxtaposition in Macbeth. Alternatively, write down everything you know about Macbeth in a blind panic because you have no idea what the word "juxtaposition" is.
  • Hugh: Identify the white powder. Good, isn't it? Thirty grand a kilo...
  • Andi Osho: Jonathan is a Nigerian prince. What are your credit card details?
  • Ed B.: If a man can make 400,000 pounds a year as an estate agent, why is he wasting his life setting exam questions while locked in a loveless marriage?
  • Nish: Discuss the use of symbolism in the Of Mice and Men books; which are of course, Of Mice and Men, 2 Mice 2 Men, and Of Mice and Men: Tokyo Drift.
  • Hugh: Which of the following is not a hydrocarbon: kerosene, ethylene, Come on Eil-ene?
  • Ed G.: Biology Practical Exam Question 1: (Gestures as though he's pulling something out of his fly) Cock or ball?
  • Rhys James: (lewdly) So, you've just turned 16, did you? (Beat) All right... (backs out)
  • Hugh: Who knew?
  • Ed B.: Panel show host qualification exam: Can you work a poxy buzzer? (cut to Dara deliberately navigating the buzzer button for a while before buzzing)
  • Rhys: Philosophy: if a man says he sets the bar high in limbo, is he saying he's good or bad?
• "WELCOME TO MY DALEK POETRY READING! THIS POEM IS CALLED DAFFODILS! EXTERMINATE DAFFODILS!'' Made even funnier by Dara's frantic buzzing between each line, as if Frankie's going to stop when he's on a roll.
• "Things You Wouldn't Hear on Songs of Praise":
  • Frankie: "HELLO, CANTERBURY! LET'S MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE!"
  • Hugh: Well, the goat's strapped to the altar, so let's begin!
  • Ed Byrne: That was beautiful. Such a shame there's no one actually up there to have heard it.
• "Tara removes her top to reveal a horrifying skin infection. Look away now if you're eating Rice Krispies." Cue groans from the audience and an undignified "pfftt" from Milton Jones.
  • "The Siamese twins were joined at the most embarrassing place imaginable, and known by friends as 'the skipping rope'."
    • You can make out an undignified cackle from Andi Osho amidst the laughter. Andy's reaction makes it even funnier. The crowd is still laughing at Hugh's joke. Andy walks up to the mike, looks back and forth a couple times, shrugs *buzz* and walks off.
• "Unlikely Things to Hear on a Survival Show":
  Russell: I'm in the Congo, let's settle this once and for all. Do you boys like Um Bongo?
  Frankie: "...But who are the truly civilized? Is it the Umbupi tribe, or is it us, with our books, our medicine, and our internet? Oh yes, it's us.
  Hugh: I've been living in these woods for three weeks now. But that's what happens if you're married to the Home Secretary and she catches you watching porn.
  Russell: I'm Bear Grylls, and this is my brother - Wolf Stir-fry.
  Frankie: I've just achieved my life's ambition - climbing Mount Everest with no food, and no equipment. Now do you love me, daddy?! Now do you love me?!
• "Things You Wouldn't Hear In A War Film":
  Hugh: (German accent) Why are we speaking English?
  Hugh: I'm saving Private Ryan... money on his car insurance!
  Frankie: You've each been selected for this mission because you're unknown to the enemy and you each have a special skill. Professor Hawking, John Leslie, Phil Neville, the Wu-Tang Clan, Usher, the Sugar Puffs Monster, and Daniel Day-Lewis! Welcome to Operation Mind-Fuck!
• Things that Would Change the Atmosphere at a Dinner Party.
  Andy: Ignore the banging, she's been in there for 24 years!
  Frankie: There is a vegetarian option, you can fuck off!
  Frankie: I hope nobody's allergic to nuts, because I like to rest mine on the table.
  Russell Howard: Ten of you arrived... only one will leave.
  Hugh: Well, this is all very lovely. I think we should all raise a glass...TO ZE FUHRER!
  • When the topic was later revisited:
    Maisie: Before we start, I'd like to say Grace - you weren't invited.
    Milton: Greta Thunberg, thanks for coming round for the meal. We're going to finish off with Baked Alaska. (realizes what he's saying)
    Ed: And then after dessert, I thought we'd hunt the deadliest game of all - man!
    Hugh: No, no, it's not parmesan actually, I wondered where I put my pedigree foot file.
• Andy Parsons, in the category "Unlikely Things To Hear At An Awards Ceremony":
  "And the winner for best envelope glue goes to..."
  "And the winner of the Suicide Bomber of the Year Award... I'm afraid they couldn't be with us tonight..."
  • Couple years later, same subject, but with a couple new ones:
    Rob: "And the award for Most Dramatic Pause at an Awards Ceremony goes to..." (ten seconds pass as the audience laughs)
    Andy: "And the award for the Most Disappointing Sound Effect in a TV Show goes to..." (Dara buzzes, and then make funny faces at the camera)
    Hugh: "This is the Identity Theft Awards, and I'm your host, Dara O'Briain."
    Hugh: (walking towards the mic) "Welcome to the Accidents at Work Awards." (trips and falls over)
• Ed: "Am I invisible in this fucking jacket?" And the entire rest of that scene.
  • When he finally steals the mic away from Hugh (after manhandling him), makes a big show of running off with it, carries it back, and then says "It's not going to be worth it is it?". Dara agrees and presses the buzzer.
  • Also from that clip, a cut joke by Frankie: "This dish needs a little extra salt, so I'm going to fuck it."
  • At the end, Dara swaps to the next setup just as Ed is approaching the mic again, leading to a lengthy debate on how to proceed.
    Ed: How about we go in order of hair length?
    (Andy immediately steps towards the mic)
    Russell: You ought to see my pubes. I got Bob Marley near my wang... Please don't let that bit be recorded.
• On horror films:
  • [Talking about Regan McNeil] "Her head's spinning round, she's vomiting everywhere, she's seemingly possessed by the devil, and yet Social Services have been around twenty times, and say that there's nothing wrong!"
  • Ed Byrne: (Regarding zombies) Yeah, I'd rather you not say 'zombie', the term now is 'differently alive'.
  • Romesh Ranganathan's once in a lifetime Out-of-Character Moment:
    "Heeeeere's JOHNNY! And I'm gonna put it on my WILLY! (already corpsing) And then we're gonna have SEXY!!"^ExplanationA "johnny" is British slang for condom
  • "A séance? No, I've been pronouncing it 'Ce-yon-say'!"
  • There was quite the amusing Bait-and-Switch from Tom Allen on the topic one year.
    "Yes, I've got a sixth sense; it's called style. You wanna see dead people, when you can have clothes like this?
• From "Unlikely Lines to Read in The Bible."
  Andy: The characters in this book are entirely fictitious.
  Hugh: And Samson said "Lord, why have you given me all my strength in my hair?" And the Lord replied: "Because you're worth it."
  Chris Addison: And then the Lord said "Shit, I've made a wasp!" [flails around]
  • Continuing with the Bible jokes:
    Andy: He's not the Messiah! HE'S A VERY NAUGHTY BOY!!! (The audience reaction really makes it awesome)
  • Another take on the same subject:
    James: And it had all been a dream.
    Rob Beckett: Oh, I shoulda known it would be you, with a name like bloody Judas.
    James: And Jesus passed out cans of Dr. Pepper, and said, "Drink this in remembrance of me. Yes, my full name is Dr. Jesus Pepper."
    Gary Delaney: People who enjoyed this book also enjoyed the Quran and the Torah.
    Rob: This book has been rated 18 due to graphic violence, moderate threat, and homophobia.
    Elis James: Uh, no actually, my mum couldn't have done that, 'cause she's a virgin.
• "We have three priorities: education, education, and free handjobs for the blind!"
• Series 8 Episode 1. Scenes We'd Like To See. Topic was "Unlikely Things to Hear on a TV Election Debate".
  Patrick Kielty: The truth.
  Andy: And the lines have closed. Gordon, it could be you. David, it could be you. Nick...it's not gonna be you.
  Patrick: It's me who got you into this mess, and it's him that will get you out of it.
  Hugh: And, at the end of that round, Gordon, you've scored no points.
  Andy: Cheryl, tonight, you're gonna be mentoring the Lib Dems.^note A reference to The X Factor, where following the audition rounds, the members of the judging panel are each given a group to mentor (for example: Boys, Girls, Over 25's, Groups) for the rest of the series. In addition, Cheryl was a former judge on the UK version of the show.
  • And then there's this from Milton Jones:
    Milton: Helloooo! I am the Messiah! And the Queen is a biscuit!
    Hugh: I am almost certain that was a floating voter. [Milton cracks up]
• Hugh: "Bucket and mop to aisle three please, bucket and mop to aisle three. Someone's come on the broccoli."
• These gems from Series 13.
  Romesh Ranganathan: Russell Crowe stars as Bob Marley; the accent so offensive, you won't even care that he blacked up. (Cue Audience Laughter)
  Milton: Troy. Certificate 15. If you're too young, why don't you make a giant wooden adult...
  • The same segment, "Unlikely Film Trailers", had this Rule of Three from Milton Jones.
    Milton: From the makers of Cockaone - (caws twice) - Cockatwo.
    "Look, an ancient African city!" From the makers of Timbuk One...
    "It looks like a runner bean only smaller." From the makers of Mange One...^explanationThe resulting pun is "Mange Tout
• In Series 10 Episode 8, one of the categories in Scenes We'd Like To See is "Commercials that never made it to air". Eventually it starts a brief Running Gag on "Cash for Gold" agencies, starting with Cash for Cash ("Send us your money in an envelope, and we'll send it back minus commission.") by Miles Jupp, then Andy Parsons takes over with Ash for Cash ("Put your cremated relatives in an envelope...") and Smash for Cash ("Put your mashed potato in an envelope...").
• This in a Series 10 Scenes We'd Like To See ("Things You Wouldn't Hear At A School Assembly"):
  Hugh: I'm delighted to say that during the summer holidays, Mr. Wang married Ms. Kerr.
  • This causes wild laughter from the audience, then after it dies down, he adds this:
    Hugh: His nickname will remain the same.
  • From a later "Things You Wouldn't Hear At A School Assembly":
  Milton Jones: (Hunched over, speaking in a deep caveman voice) Ofsted man...he come. He say school not good!
• From the Unlikely Things To Read In A Valentine's Card:
  Holly Walsh: Roses are red. Poppies are red. The grass is all red — SHIT THE GARDEN'S ON FIRE!
• When Andy Parsons takes a show title literally during Scenes We'd Like To See, such as these examples:
  "Welcome to Watchdog. Here's a dog."
  "Welcome to Crimewatch. Here's a crime. Let's watch."
  "Welcome to another edition of 'Homes Under The Hammer' where we attack Eamonn Holmes with a hammer."
  "You're watching Sky News. At the moment, the sky is blue."
  • Milton Jones gets into the act a couple of times.
    "You're watching Fox News. (barks like a fox)
  • Hugh Dennis delivers one in "Unlikely Things to Hear on Daytime TV":
    "Next on Flog It, the team meets their greatest challenge yet: a dead horse."
• Also on Unlikely Things to Hear on Daytime TV, were Ed Byrne's turns:
  "Hello and welcome to Let's Decorate The Shit Out of This House!!! This week, we're decorating the shit out of a three bed semi in Orpington, (claps hands) so LET'S DO IT! LET'S DECORATE THE SHIT OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!"
  "Hello and welcome to Let's Cook Some Shit Out of Some Dinner!!!"
  "Hello and welcome to I'M GOING TO SELL THESE ANTIQUES IF IT FUCKING KILLS ME!"
• What the Queen Didn't Say In Her Christmas Message.
  Frankie: I've had a few medical problems this year: I'm now so old, that my pussy is haunted.
  • After this joke, Hugh walked up to the microphone, realized he can't follow this up, and left without saying anything.
  • Significantly funnier when repeated deadpan by Kirsty Young on Newsnight in a piece about declining standards at the BBC.
• "Things You Wouldn't Want to Hear on a Cruise":
  Hugh: We've had reports of an iceberg, but don't worry, no ship has ever been sunk by lettuce.
  Russell: If you look on your left, there's a man-eating squid. After that, he's having chips.
  Andy: There appears to have been an incident in the swimming pool. If a Mr. Barrymore could contact the captain...^note Stuart Lubbock was attending a party at Barrymore's luxury home in Roydon with eight other people on March 31, 2001, when he died in the swimming pool. A post-mortem examination showed the thirty-one-year-old had suffered severe internal injuries, suggesting he had been sexually assaulted.
• Unlikely Lines from Children's Books:
  Hugh: The railway children gesticulated wildly at the driver. "You've left us behind, you wanker!"
  Micky Flanagan: And as Eeyore put the noose around his neck...
  Chris: A stringfellow? What's a stringfellow?
  A stringfellow? Why, didn't you know?
  It has tanned, leather skin and a massive libido
  And bad '80s Hair and a grin like a pedo!
  Micky Flanagan: And so Emily learned; if she'd been a nicer little girl, Mummy and Daddy would've never gotten divorced.
  Stewart Francis: Once Upon a Time in a faraway land, there was a handsome young prince named Dara.
  • And from a revisit to the topic 2 years later...
    Hugh: "I'm Paddington Bear, from Peru!" said Paddington. "And if you show me where the toilet is, I'll poo out this condom of cocaine!"
    Ed Gamble: From under the bridge came the voice of the troll - "Waah, women can't be Ghostbusters, send!"
    Angela: "And the beautiful woman was cursed to sleep for a hundred years." And that's your defense, is it, Mr. Cosby?
    Ed: There's an Indian in the cupboard! I think he's hiding from UKIP! (Sees Romesh Ranganathan^note Sri Lankan, just off the Indian coast approach) Oh, come on, that's unfair.
    Romesh: I've been in this cupboard for bloody ages.
• In a similar vein, Rhys James on "Things You Wouldn't Hear in a Nature Show"
  Rhys: The major difference between an Indian and an African elephant, is that one of them - is an elephant.
  (buzzed, walks back cautiously as Nish Kumar strides to the mike)
  Nish: Hello - I'm not an elephant. (buzzed, Death Glare at Rhys as he walks off)
  Rhys: Told ya.
  Zoe: Dawn rises on the Serengeti. Dawn has no idea how she got there.
  Zoe: And here we see two majestic birds of prey. Or "nuns", as they're also called.^note "Birds" of pray
• Unlikely Things To Get Through Your Letterbox: Andy Parsons makes a joke as follows: "Are you looking for a dog-walking service? Then call Ace Kebabs on 318-318!" This is swiftly followed with "Looking for an undertaker?" and, for Rule of Three, "The Taj Mahal Indian Restaurant... formerly..."
  • Ed Byrne had a couple of good ones this round too:
    "Have you seen this dog? No? Maybe your windows are too dirty. Call Kevin, the window cleaner!"
    "How's my driving? Call 1-800-CRASHED-INTO-YOUR-HOUSE!"
• Things you wouldn't want to hear at work: "Get off, you're shit!" Bonus points for just how fitting it is.
  Hugh: He's the CEO, he's the COO, and I'm head of the Agricultural Division: The C-I-E-I-O.
  Andy: Imagine that. My first day at work, and I appear to have slipped on a wet floor. Hmmm... I think I might be entitled to compensation!
  Frankie: Do you mind if I leave early? I've got to pick up the kids, before their parents get there.
  Frankie: I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO WORK AT A LIBRARY! IF ONLY I COULD READ!
• Unlikely Things to Hear at the Olympics:
  Hugh: "And, uh, the French have four faults: their language, their food, underarm hair, and the fact that they are French."
  Frankie: And to show you just how polluted this city is, the javelin has gotten stuck in the sky.
  Andy: "AND IT'S GOLD FOR IRELAND!"
  • Dara wouldn't let Andy do another one after that; whenever Andy tried, Dara just buzzed him. When he did finally get a chance to go, it became apparent that he was counting on Dara to buzz him, so he had to bail on the joke halfway.
    • Four years later, the subject appeared again. Stewart Francis opened with "And that's another gold medal for Ireland". Dara responded: "One thing I grew tired of was the Canadian national anthem".
• "Bad Things To Hear From a Tour Guide":
  Frankie: You may be wondering why we have so many foreign treasures here at the British Museum. And the answer is simple: gun beats spear!
  Hugh: Well this is the deepest, darkest bit of the caves. And unless you give twenty pounds each, that's where you're staying.
• Deleted Lines From Star Trek: The Original Series:
  Hugh: Kirk to Enterprise! <beat> Okay, how about if I stand over here?
  Frankie: This is the Federation of Gay Planets! Open your docking bay and prepare to be boarded!
• "Bad Things To Hear At The Psychiatrist's"
  Frankie: I don't want you to think of me as a psychiatrist, I want you to think of me as a mental patient who killed a psychiatrist before you got here.
  Ed: Oh, that's a classic dream. It means you're a pedophile.
  Russell: I see you've tried to commit suicide five times. Your dad was right. You are useless.
• "Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Flatmate":
  Frankie: My last flat was just like Friends. Have you seen The One Where Joey Kills Everybody?
• "The Worst Person to Be Married To":
  Frankie: You want me to put my ding-a-ling into your fairy-cave? ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN!?
  David Mitchell: Oh, you can't use that toilet...that's MY toilet.
  Andy: Of course we're going out tonight! It's Hitler's birthday!
  Russell: I love you lots. Oh, let's see what Mister Tiddles thinks of you. (To his hand) What do you think? "Die, bitch!"
  Russell: But he's my dad! We do everything together!
• "The Wrong Things to Say on your First Day in the Army:"
  Andy: (fancy accent) You guys look great.
  Frankie: When they said it was gonna just be like the movies, I didn't realise they meant Brokeback Mountain.
  John Oliver: I beg your pardon, drop and give me 20, please. (pause) You'll get nothing by shouting.
• "Unlikely things to read on a health insurance form"":
  Andy: Would you describe the condition of your heart as A: very good, B: Mediumly good, or C: BOO!
  Gary: Are you the only black guy in a horror film?
  Andy: Buddhists, what was your last cause of death?
  Hugh: Do you suffer from dizziness, double vision, or seizures? Then why did you take a penalty for England?
• "Bad Ways to Start a Party Political Broadcast":
  Frankie: My fellow pedophiles...
  Hugh: As you know, the football is on the other channel.
  Jo Brand: During the next three and a half hours...
  Hugh: I think our policies are best expressed... (starts singing) in song!
• "Unlikely Lines to Hear on a TV Show":
  Frankie: So get dialling, because, remember, those phone lines close at midnight. Yesterday.
  Hugh: And now, the Antiques Roadshow. This program contains scenes of tedious dullness right from the start.
  Frankie: Hello, and welcome to Mock the Week After Dark. I'm Dara O'Briain, and this... is my penis. (Cue Dara looking at his crotch and nodding his head suggestively as Hugh comes on and pauses)
  Andy: Hello, and welcome to India with Sanjeev Bhaskar, and me, Jade Goody.
• From another episode:
  Russell: This is what happens when you get questions wrong.
  Frankie: Or right.
  Russell: Or interesting.
• Unlikely Things to Hear on a TV Talent Show:
  Greg Davies: You're right! I can't sing! Thanks!
  Milton Jones: I'd like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital. [singing] The wheels of the bus go round and round, round and round...
  Greg Davies: Hello! Where's my double act partner? Oh, he's in here. (puts microphone to crotch and starts singing "Feelings")
  Andy Parsons: Yes, I have been on the show before. I was once trapped inside somebody else's underpants going, "Feelings..."
  • Seann Walsh's SPOT-ON impression of Michael McIntyre.
  • And from the outtakes:
    Greg Davies: I'M TOM AND THIS IS DAVE, MY DANCING GUINEA PIG!
    (He mimes sticking the guinea pig onto his thumb.)
    (yells off-screen) PLAY THE MUSIC! PLAY THE MUSIC!
• Unlikely Things to Hear at an Awards Ceremony
  Chris: "And the winner is... Dara Ó Briain!" ^note A reference to Dara losing the "Best Entertainment Performance" BAFTA to Graham Norton in spite of the fact that he hosted that year's awards.
  • To which Dara responds by simply flipping Chris off.
  • Greg Davies is a bit irritated when his joke goes over everyone's head:
    Greg: And predictably, for the fiftieth year running, the Rear of the Year has been won by the same man. Come on up, Chris... [awkward silence, Greg looks slightly annoyed] ...it's a Chris Rhea joke.
    • Nathan Caton's follow-up irritates Greg even more:
    Nathan: And the award for best film... Cling! Cling film! [the audience cracks up]
    Greg: [very dramatically] Oh! That was all right, though, was it?! It's bullshit, Dara!
    Dara: It's all politics, man.
    • And Greg's attempts to recover:
    Greg: And the winner for Best Posthumously Released Rap Record goes to Kim Jong, for 'I Told You I Was Il!' [wild applause, he wags his finger] Too late!
    Greg: And the winner of Rear of the Year goes to... Chris Rhea! [wild applause]
  • When the category was reused (again):
    Hugh: (in a passable New York accent) Welcome to the Tonys! If you're not called Tony, fuck off.
    Ed Byrne: And the winner of Most Drawn-Out Pause at an Awards Ceremony goes to...
    (Beat)
    (Beat)
    (buzz)
    Nish Kumar: And now we move to the In Memoriam section of the evening—or as it's now to be known, "The ones who didn't turn out to be paedos."
    Ed: (walks back up to the microphone, continues the dramatic pause from earlier until Dara buzzes him off again)
    Ellie Taylor: Oh, wow—I tell ya, this statuette's going right up my husband when I get home! (laughter) A bet's a bet, darling!
    Angela Barnes: And the winner of the Origami Award goes to... (mimes unfolding a very complicated envelope, before finally throwing up her hands and walking off)
    Ed: (Walks back up again, pausing before opening the envelope) It's me!
• Other contributions to 'Unlikely Agony Aunt letters', aside from the above:
  Zoe Lyons: "Dear Aunty, I'm a very nervous person and sudden noises really startle me. In fact, even if I hear a buzzer, a little wee comes out." [Dara presses the buzzer and Zoe looks distinctly uncomfortable before walking off. Mickey Flanagan bursts out laughing in the meantime.]
  Alan Cochrane: "I work in the public sector-" [adopts a mocking tone] "- and I'm really, really, really worried about my pension!" [He rolls his eyes before walking off.]
  • When the subject gets reused in Series 14, episode 11:
    Holly: (visibly pregnant) Dear Deirdre, why does semen make you fat?
    Ed Gamble: Dear Deirdre, my girlfriend's livid because I got drunk and did a shit on the roof. Please tell me, how can I wipe the slate clean?
    Rob Beckett: Dear Deirdre, I'm not going to beat around the bush. Is there any other tips on satisfying my wife?
    Holly: Dear Deirdre, My husband has been pressurizing [sic] me to try Alan. Also how do I turn off predictive text?
    Ed: DEAR DEIDRE! HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPSLOCK?!
    Ed Byrne: Dear Deirdre, I have a mole on the end of my penis. How much trouble am I in with the RSPCA?
    • Once more for luck:
      Hugh: (in a very "working-class" accent) All that emotional stuff, is that agony? I once caught my bollocks in a lift door.
      Kerry Godliman: Since my children left to go to university, my life feels so meaningful and rich! How do I tell them I don't want them to come home for Christmas?
      Rachel Parris: (in a Russian accent you could cut with a knife) Dear Deirdre, I am very into steeples.
      Rachel again: Dear Deirdre, in the daytime I come across as a really smart, cheerful guy who everyone loves, but in secret, I am definitely a psychopath. Yours, Nish Kumar.
      (cut to Nish, laughing his head off)
• Series 14, episode 4 had "Things You Wouldn't Hear on a Science Documentary", which devolved into potshots on Dara starting here^note Miles Jupp had previously been teasing Dara earlier in the episode as well - see above in "If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question" for "1/3":
  Miles Jupp: Well, we could ask a proper scientist about this, or we could ask Dara O'Briain. [Dara reacts with shock before buzzing him off]
  Andy: Hello, my name's Dara O'Briain. [cut to Dara, who has a "Really?!" expression] And to try and bring science to the masses, I'm going to appear in a programme with Stephen Hawking, wearing a ridiculous hat!
  Dara: [cuts in, annoyed] Just - just - just - Just enough with the - just, y'know? I loved that hat, by the way! [Andy cracks up]
  Andy: [barely holding back laughter] Hello, I'm Dara O'Briain, and I've got a massive head, and a massive brain. But all I get to do for this bit is just push a little button! [he mimes pushing the button before Dara buzzes him off]
  Hugh: Mr. O'Briain, I award you a Ph.D.: Phenomenal Head, Dara.
  Romesh: I would just like to say that I think Dara O'Briain is a legend. [smirks smarmily as Dara smiles and nods]
  Hugh: I work with Dara O'Briain. [Dara looks resigned] And today, my experiment is to turn this joke into a P45.
• Series 14, episode 9 has "Lines You Wouldn't Hear in a Kids' Film":
  Gary: Half grizzly bear, half buffalo. The Gruffalo was the biggest, scariest animal in the whole wood until one day, he got a job presenting Mock the Week.
  James: So as you can see, we... filmed the whole movie over Skype, which is why... [Beat] we call it Frozen.
• "Unlikely Lines from a Superhero Movie":
  • As usual, Frankie Boyle had a few lovely zingers:
    Frankie: You're trapped, Spider-Man. Trapped in this enormous bath.
    Frankie: Is it a bird; is it a plane? Whatever it is, it's heading straight for the World Trade Centre.
    Frankie: What's that Joker; you'll be back? Somehow, I don't think you will be!
  • Andy gets in on it later.
    Andy: BIFF, BAM, KAPOW, NUTTED, BOTTLED, SLASHED!
  • When it's revisited a few years later:
    Stewart Francis: Worry not: Procrastination Man is here! Where is everybody? What's with all the blood? (Realizes and walks away with a Not-So-Innocent Whistle)
  • And once more a few years later:
    Hugh: Spider-Man is dead. And so is Fly Man, swallowed by There Was an Old Lady Woman.
    Andy: Spider-Man, Spider-Man, Does whatever a spider can... HELP! I'M STUCK IN A BATH!
    Josh Widdicombe: A gas leak at the orphanage? Sounds like a job for me, The Human Torch.
    Ed Byrne: I am Patient Man. I work out every day, eat a high-fibre diet, and simply outlive my enemies.
    Hugh: You are the superhero every man wants to see: Girl-On Girl.
    Ed: "They're getting away! What do we do Patient Man?" "We wait."
• Unlikely lines to hear in a disaster movie:
  Milton: (singing) There is a house in New Orleans- blublublublublublublublub...
  Seann: (nonchalantly) "Eh, just press that, and it'll be alright."
  Andy: "Do you not realise, if this contagion spreads the entire X-Factor judging panel could be wiped out?"
  [Crowd laughs and cheers]
• Unlikely things to hear on a news programme:
  Andy: Behind me, a man lies dead. That's what happens if you pull faces in the background when I'm doing a piece to camera.
• Ditto, on a science programme:
  Milton Jones: I was the man who discovered DNA. I wasn't going to call it that but I was giving a lecture to the Royal Society and I said, "Gentlemen, I believe I've discovered the genetic fingerprint of all human life ... da-na!"
  Holly: Apart from the humans, the only animal to enjoy sex is the dolphin. I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out.
  Russell: I'm a meerkat; she's not lying...
  Miles Jupp: In our next experiment, we're going to prove that putting Dara O'Briain in a room full of young people still doesn't make science interesting.
  Gary Delaney: (to Chris) I think we've got the points.
  Chris: (Impersonating Dara) So, this is amazing right, so what you're saying is that somewhere, Professor Cox, in a parallel universe, there is a me with hair! (Impersonating Professor Cox) That's right, Dara!
  (cut to Dara, his hand descending on the buzzer like the judgment of God)
  Dara: At the end of that round … no one gets any points at the end of that round …
• Unlikely things to hear over a tannoy:
  Hugh: Would the parents of the lost child please pick him up from the meeting point? Madonna is trying to buy him.
  Chris: Would the owners of a black Jaguar please move it, as it's attacking the customers?
  Hugh: Would the man on pump #4 please remove the nozzle from the backside of the man on pump #6?
  Micky: Could the owner of the Ford Fiesta 1100 in the carpark with the tinted windows and the 'Go Faster' stripes - sort your life out, mate, will ya?
  Chris: Would the small boy with the owl please stop running at the wall between platforms nine and ten?
  • Same subject in series 16:
    Milton: We welcome our guests from Weight Watchers; remember, it doesn't matter how many pastries- PAST TRIES you've had...
• Alan Cochrune's contributions to "Unlikely things to hear at Wimbledon":
  "What a fantastic slice! But I do think the All-England club will insist she wears knickers again next year."
  "And the mound has taken a real pounding in the last fortnight...." (He grins guiltily since the reaction is the same as his previous entry; camera cuts to Zoe Lyons who is desperately trying to swallow her laughter) "...I think the All-England club are fine with it as long as it doesn't affect her tennis."
• Seann Walsh: "And now, Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares for the hard of hearing."
• For the 2013 Christmas special, one of the Scenes We'd Like to See topics was "Unlikely Things to Hear at Christmas Time." The crowd, as expected, responded with groans.
  Dara: "Don't judge me!"
  • Immediately after that, Josh Widdicombe's first joke:
    Josh: "Yes, it's just what I wanted: a Seann Walsh DVD!"
    • Which made Walsh nearly double over laughing.
  • Milton Jones' spin on a holiday song:
    Milton: "George Michael, you are accused of organ trafficking. Last Christmas, someone gave you their heart."
    • Later, Andy Parsons took another spin on a holiday song:
      Andy: Last year, I went to Africa. They do know it's Christmas.
  • Another with a play on words and accents:
    Hugh (in Cockney accent): Ryan, when I told you to serve mulled wine to the next-door neighbors with no cloves...(beat for laughter)...put your pants back on, son.
  • And last, one of the filthiest jokes ever aired on the show:
    Andy: I know we said we'd take turns with our parents, but I just don't fancy your mum.
    • Andy was on a roll with Frankie-level Crosses the Line Twice humor on that topic:
      Andy: Santa, that wasn't the sack I wanted empty. (Miles: He's out of control!)
      Andy: I know you don't like the fairy, but he's our son's boyfriend and he makes him very happy.
  • 2016's version was similarly hilarious, starting off with this exchange from (at the time) real-life couple Sara Pascoe and John Robins
    Sara: Oh, John, thank you so much for my electric toothbrush. No, it's everything I wanted and more. Oh, you got lots of Nectar points on it? Good.
    Dara: (As John marches up to the mic) You, uh, you four can take a pew. This one might go on for a while.
    John: Oh, Sara, a holiday to Barbados? That's gonna help in the fight against plaque!
    • And later...
      John: Chestnuts roasting on an open fire... Mmm, Christmas with a vegan!
      (Sara responds gleefully from her spot)
  • James Acaster comes up with this gem.
    James: No, I will not "calm down", Alfred! Did you hear what they were singin'? "Jingle Bells, Batman. Smells!" That's not the original lyric! They wrote that to hurt my feelings!
  • 2017 had some doozies:
    Hugh: No, I love it when your parents come for Christmas. I just wish we couldn't hear them through the ceiling.
    Ed: I can't believe there are this many needles under the tree already! We're really going to have to talk to Grandma about her heroin habit!
    Miles: Oh, charades then, right ... two words, you'll act the whole thing? Okay - oh, it's The Human Centipede, GRANDMA STOP!!
    Milton: Wow, Abba's Greatest Hits ... oh no! It's a video of assassinations by PLO leader Mahmood Abbas!
    [Ed Gamble, Nish Kumar, and Miles Jupp all lose it.]
• "Commercials That Never Made It To Air"
  Andy: Do you ever have that bloated feeling? Why not try having a shit?
• "Unlikely Things for Andy Murray to Think" (keep in mind that Murray and his girlfriend Kim are both in the audience)
  Milton: [TERRIBLE Scottish accent] I remember when I used to train - [the audience loses it, including Kim and Andy themselves]
  Dara: What is that?! He's in the room!
  Milton: [pauses and then tries again with a slightly less terrible accent imitation] I remember when I used to train in Scotland, I was a lot more unhealthy. I used to serve with a potato instead of a ball so I could have lots of chips afterwards!
  Ed: Well, now that I've won Wimbledon, they'll at least stop making fun of me on television.
  Hal Cruttenden: I wonder if my mum is watching. Of course she is. She's always watching.
  Ed: I wish Kim would shut up. "Oh, that Ed Byrne, he's so funny!"
  Milton: (miming playing tennis and the same dreadful accent) Why do I spend my life... hitting a fuzzy green apple... with a snowshoe?
  Andy: I think I just saw Ivan Lendl raise his eyebrow. That means he's just ejaculated. (cut to Kim with her face in both hands)
  Ed: Venus has the arse, Serena's got the tits.
• "Unlikely Complaints to TV Channels":
  Chris: Dear Dave: Have you seen Phil? Yours, Bob.
  Chris: Dear Dave ja vu: Have you seen Phil ja vu? Yours, Bob ja vu.
  Holly: Dear Dave, you repeat Mock the Week so often, I swear I've seen Holly Walsh do this joke before!
  Hugh: Dear Al-Jazeera, I wonder if we're related? Yours, Dave Jazeera.
  Holly: Dear Dave, you repeat Mock The Week so often...
• "Unlikely Things to Hear on Crimewatch":
  Andy: The police are saying it's all right to approach the gunman, as he's sawn off the wrong end of the shotgun.
  Hugh: Sometimes victims of crime don't even know they have been robbed because they use the items taken so infrequently. Take Dara Ó Briain. Burglars stole his legs six months ago.
  (Dara looks down, checking if his legs are there)
  • The ribbing between Sara Pascoe and John Robins leaks into a later series here:
    John: According to police, there were wet footprints leading across the bedroom carpet... (forced smile) 'Cos one of us doesn't know what a bath mat is!
    James Acaster: The murderer said she did it 'cause "he made so many jokes about me on Mock the Week I couldn't hack it anymore."
  • The same segment had this bit.
    Ed: The man broke into Battersea Dogs' Home and released all the dogs. Police are desperately searching for leads.
    Sarah: Oh no! A city up north has gone missing! It begins with L and is great - police are desperately looking for Leeds. (Ed is giving her an enthusiastic thumbs-up)
• "Unlikely Lines To Hear In a Kids' Film":
  Miles Jupp: Mary Poppins, I arrest you on suspicion of supercalifragilisticsextrafficking.
• "Unlikely Small Ads":
  Frankie: Did you see a hit-and-run on Cromwell Road on Tuesday night? Please get in touch, because I'm keen to silence any witnesses.
  Hugh: House prices falling? Debts rising? Feel like you can't quite cope? PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!
  • When the topic was reused:
    Ed Byrne: Free to good home — fucking printer.
    Hugh: Rubbish collection services. Yep, we are genuinely shit at it.
    Josh Widdicombe: Do you want a hardworking plumber for a reasonable rate? Then you shouldn't have voted for Brexit.
    Ed (very enthusiastically): Learn English on owner home! Good examplings, quick books, disbelievable price! You buy?
    Zoe Lyons: Wanted—the internet, as I seem to be the only person in the whole bloody world still using the small ads.
    Zoe again: Respectable, middle-aged lady would like to meet gentleman for cozy nights in, country walks, theater visits, and occasional eye-popping anal. (everyone loses it)
• "Things You Wouldn't Hear From a Weather Forecaster":
  Russell: A hurricane tonight will be caused by low pressure and God’s hatred of homosexuality.
  Hugh: Well let's go to Carol on the roof of television center. She's not meant to be there; she's just a bit depressed.
  Andy: Humidity's rising. Barometer's going low. [According to all sources, the street's the place to go, because] tonight for the first time, just about half past ten; [for the first time in history,] it's gonna start raining men.
  • Same subject a few series later...
    Ed: Thanks very much, Dave. Yes, it's pretty much easy reporting on things that have already happened. Now, predicting the future.
    Hugh: Well, you'd be glad to know that scientists have finally explained why we've been enduring this rather long spell of disappointing weather. Apparently, we live in Britain.
    Ed: And over the next 3 days, we will see some spells of rain. The entrails never lie!
• Unlikely Things to Hear in the House of Lords:
  Russell: Please welcome our newest member: Lord Voldemort!
  Frankie: As a life peer, I would like to tender my resignation. (shoots himself in the mouth)
  Hugh: This is Davina. You are live in the house. Please don't swear!
  Frankie: I am the Lord...of the dance. (starts doing a terrible Irish jig)
  Ed: I have changed my name to E. Lordey. I want you all to call me Lord E. Lordey.
• "The Worst Thing To Say When Running For U.S. President:"
  Hugh: (with a fake Texas accent) Hi there, I'm like George Bush only less intelligent.
  Frankie: I will never forget the terrible events of 9/12.
  Andy Parsons: Yes I smoked marijuana... and I inhaled... just now...
  Ed Byrne: I've got a bad one. Bad one. Whilst at college I did experiment with marijuana. I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, but I did not...in hail. [dorky dance]
  • When the topic got revisited a few years later:
    Sara: I'm Hillary Clinton, and if you elect me the first female president of the United States, I promise that on my first day in office I will hire a very attractive intern. He will be on his knees not having sexual relations with me all day. #Payback #LongGame.
    Ed Gamble: I know the value of family! Because I sold one of my children to pay for this campaign.
    Ed Byrne: I would now like to talk to you in a language of my own devising. (several phrases of high-pitched gibberish) Thank you.
    Hugh: (in a portentous, "the-only-thing-we-have-to-fear" voice) What you must remember is, the people we need to convince are the great American people. And most of them... are as thick as pig shit!
    Ed Gamble: I am American through and through. Cut me, and I will shoot you in the face.
    Nathan Caton: We Republicans want to reach out to all Americans! Blacks, whites, Chinesey-lookin' ones...
  • And again in 2020:
    Ed Byrne: SILENCE, WORMS!
    Hugh: I will not be running in 2020. I will be skipping. (skips around the stage, then returns after Sukh Ojla can't think of what to say to do a victory lap)
    Ed Gamble: The allegations of voter fraud are ridiculous; my opponent is just jealous of my popularity with the dead!
    Mark Simmons: Tax havens, tax Butlins, tax Pontlins...
    Maisie Adam: Why should black voters trust me? Well, if you check my college photos, I even used to dress up as you guys back in the day!
• "Things You Wouldn't Hear at a Party Conference":
  Milton: Good news if you're a small mother - we are going to raise the mini-mum wage!
  • And from another visit to the topic
    Kerry: MAZEL TOV!^note This episode came out around the time allegations of antisemitism in the Labour Party were getting more media attention
    Larry Dean: I know some of you have been challenging my leadership, and to you I say... bring it on, ya ballbags!
    Ed B.: They told us Brexit was undeliverable. They told us Brexit was unworkable. But where are they now? They are outside with banners saying "I told you so".
• From the blown light episode, "Unlikely Things to hear on a Travel Program":

  Romesh: And the wonderful thing about a trip to China is, you get the opportunity to meet the child who made your trousers. (audience reacts) Yeah, I said it!
  Romesh: The weather, the accommodation, the food, all of these wonderful things help you to forget how smelly the locals are. (buzzed) Yeah, I said it!
  Rob Beckett: Something about travel. (barely a beat) Yeah, I said it!

  • They do travel programs again in series 17:
    Ed Byrne: They call Paris the city of love, and it's easy to see why. It is wall-to-wall fanny.
    (cut to Dara laughing his head off - Angela Barnes steps up after Ed but ends up corpsing)
• "Lines You Wouldn't Hear In An Action Movie":
  Carl Donnelly: I want your clothes, your boots, and your unicycle.
  Andi Osho: They beat him, they kicked him, they shot him, they left him for dead. Now... he's dead.
• "Things You Wouldn't Hear on a News Programme":
  Milton: Sad news now—Wally has been found. His funeral is next week; no one knows where, but that's what he would have wanted.
  Hugh: The fighting here has been drawn-out and bloody, but I have finally got my microphone back from that bastard at Sky News.
  Ed Byrne: I'm on the scene, where the search continues for the beloved pantomime star... What's that? He's where?? (looks around in exaggerated fashion)
  Hugh: This is the first time I have reported from the Pamplona Bull Ru— FUCKING HELL! (runs back to, and past, Ed and Milton on the steps.)
• In Series 15, episode 5, during the "Rejected Exam Questions" segment of "Scenes We'd Like To See", James Acaster delivers a hilarious joke but cracks up halfway through and doesn't get to finish it. He tries twice more during the round to tell the whole thing, but on the third occasion, he can't get more than a few words out.
  Which of the following is a quote by Winston Churchill?
  A. We will fight them on the beaches,
  B. Goddamn, I love these peaches,
  C. — [bursts out laughing]
  • Later on, he tries again:
    Which of the following is a quote by Winston Churchill?
    A. We will fight them on the beaches,
    B. Goddamn, I love these peaches,
    Sorry, I can't do that, it makes me laugh too much. (as he walks away) I love "Goddamn, I love these peaches" so much!
  • And finally:
    Which of the following is a famou—fuck it!^note James never swore in a single episode before this.
• Then, for "Unlikely Things To Hear On A Train":
  James: [screaming in mock horror] AAGH!! AHH! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! ...ugh, it's tunnels, I'm so scared of tunnels.
  [as James walks off, Ed Byrne is doubled over in absolute hysterics]
  • Same prompt, different day:
    Kevin Bridges: We're now arriving in Sheffield. Could all passengers in first class please pull back your window blinds and take a look at the real world.
    Milton: (in a quiet, high-pitched voice) Hello... this is the train speaking. I know we're running a bit late... but don't worry. I know a shortcut!
    Kevin: Would the passenger causing a disturbance in the quiet coach please settle down and stop shouting about your heart medicine?
• Series 15, Episode 10, "Things You Wouldn't Hear In A TV Cookery Show":
  Milton Jones: Anyone can make this. [suddenly glares at the camera] You can't, Beatrice. [beat] ...sorry, "you can't beat rice."
  [Milton walks off looking annoyed at his "mistake", leaving the audience (and Ed Byrne) in hysterics]
  Ed Byrne: Let's just all go home. Let's just go home.
• A suggestion by Sara Pascoe for "Lines you wouldn't hear on a detective show": "I shoot my gun like I shoot my load — into my hand." The reaction is so strong that Hugh steps up to the mike, thinks, then walks away.
  • Hugh's eventual follow-up is decidedly more clean but no less funny:
    Hugh: You're under arrest. You're not obliged to say anything, but anything you do say means that you're an actor rather than an extra and you get paid a bit more.
• On a related subject in series 16 (it says "police show" instead but the execution is identical):
  Nish: I told y'all to play this by the book! Now I got the FBI and DA on my ass - and also, everybody keeps thinking on the phone I'm African-American when I'm clearly a Chinese lady!
  Hugh: Hate crime?... No, I love crime... It's what I do, it's... (buzzed)
  Glenn: We've searched the suspect's room and found traces of semen, alcohol, and cocaine. Our conclusion: absolute legend.
• "Bad Things to Say or Do When Naked"
  Frankie: Good morning, class 2B. Today, we're going to learn how to count to 21!
  Jo Caulfield: Ooh, I'm a bit laden-down with this shopping. (Lifts her leg up) Could you just reach in and get my keys for me? Thanks.
  • And later, we get this gloriously impromptu exchange.
    Jo: Yeah, I-I understand why I had to have gas for the... what the fuck do you call that thing? Oh, I know! Alright, again - I understand why I had to have gas for the- you know what it is? I wanted to say-
    Andy: Say whatever you want to.
    Jo: No, the thing in your mouth.
    Voice: Tongue!
    Jo: It's 'cuz of- Frankie! (Frankie looks confused) I want to say- what is that thing, root canal, but I kept thinking "anal"! I'm thinking that "It can't be anal. Can't be anal."
    Frankie: I'll be honest with you, they both hurt.
• On the topic of dentistry, 2014 brought us "Unlikely Things to Hear at the Dentist's, with Gary Delaney contributing two marvelous jokes, with the latter being a bit of a showstopper.
  Josh Whiddicome: Hello, is that Mr. Chang? We need to change your appointment. No, we can do 2:15 or 2:45.
  Gary: Welcome to Dick Van Dyke the Dentist. I'm afraid it's worse than bad breath - you've got supercalifragilisticextremehalitosis.
  Gary: This is most unusual, madam. You don't seem to have any teeth at all! What's that? You're here for a smear test? That's next door.
• "Things You Wouldn't Read In A Romantic Novel":
  Ed Gamble: He pressed his lips to hers and slid his tongue in. "That's not how you're supposed to do it!" shouted the other paramedic.
  Hal: He was everything a woman wanted in a man. He was 47, graying, chubby, slightly camp.
  Hugh: He put the chocolates down beside her. Silence, and then, at last, she spoke..."Unexpected item in the bagging area."
  Ed Gamble: "Oh, Mr. Darcy, you're so becoming." "Really?" He replied, "Because I think it's you that will be coming."
  (a slight delay as both Ed B. and Hugh negotiate the mic, then...)
  Ed Byrne: I want to see you shit in this bin.
  (cue everyone in a brief meltdown and Dara looking like he can't breathe)
  Dara: (now composed, buzzes) It does fulfill the criteria...
  • They covered the same topic three years prior.
    Hugh: "This is the last time that we can be together," he said. "Aren't you going to say... something?" (Beat) "Baaaa!"
    Romesh: Sean knew that the love of his life had to have a good sense of humor... because while she was laughing, she wouldn't be watching her drink. (Audience groans and boos) Sean! It's not even me, for God's sake... (Audience laughs again)
    Andy: He looked at her naked body, and then he looked into her eyes. His heart started pounding, and he felt a tingling sensation... what a shit time to have a coronary.
  • And once again:
    Andy: The dark stranger emerged from the sea, his wet shirt clinging against his muscular torso. Soon, she held him, and said the words she'd been dying to say for ages: "I'm UK border patrol, and you're under arrest!"
    Katherine: She felt every part of his eight inches. He was stiff, absolutely rigid, and even in her innocence she knew—her hamster was dead.
    Ed Gamble: He felt a swelling "down there." Shouldn't have tried to bang a beehive.
    Hugh: He took her hand in his, and squeezed it. "Now," he thought, "I wonder where the rest of her body is."
    Milton: "You could make love!" she said. "Or 'vole'," he replied, looking up from their game of Scrabble.
    Milton again: "Marjorie, I'm going to kiss you like you've never been kissed before!" (pinches his lips together with his fingers and sticks his tongue out)
• "Strange Lines from a Thriller" has a lovely little Call-Back:
  Rhys James: This elevator company is corrupt, and I think it goes all the way to the top!
  (a few later)
  Ed Byrne: You're trying to expose corruption in my elevator company? You're going down.
• Another gem from James Acaster that broke Dara during "Unlikely Film Trailers":
  James: Part man. Part machine. Part bird. Part drum. Yes, it's Robo Bongo Cuckoo Cop!
• Gary Delaney on the same subject:
  Gary: Thanks to an unfortunate typo, it's the most one-sided action film ever - Alan Versus Predator.
• They do "Commercials that never made it to air" again in series 16, leading to a rare direct dig from Milton Jones of all people:
  Milton: [sounding sexy... kinda] Mmmmm... Nish Kumar. [Beat] Sounds exotic... [another beat] But it turns out... he's just a bloke.
  [camera cut to Nish laughing so hard he can't show up the following week]
  • Other gems from that topic
    Ed Gamble: Nike now sponsors the Panda mating program at the London Zoo. JUST DO IT!
    Nish: MySpace. WE'RE STILL HERE! WHY DON'T YOU EVER VISIT US!? *breaks down sobbing*
    Ed Byrne: Budweiser. For when you only sort of want a beer.
• Another reused one, "Unlikely Things for a Continuity Announcer to Say":
  Zoe: And now on Channel Five, we explore the bizarre underworld of bondage ballroom dancing. It's Cum Strictly.
  Ed Byrne: And now, our Friday night horror film - Bruce Willis stars as a ghost who doesn't realize he's dead, in The Sixth S- Oh, I've ruined it, haven't I?
  Zoe: If you're sat at home this afternoon and you're not in your 80s, this programme's just like you: it's Pointless.
  Ed: And now, our Saturday night thriller - Kevin Spacey stars as the shady gangster Keyser Soze, in- I've done it again, haven't I?
  James: We just bought Bakeoff... 'cause anyone can. We're a porn channel! We bought BAKEOFF! Just as a joke! Just as a joke - we got it now! A new series of Bakeoff! We're just gonna show it! Just... banging, banging, banging, Bakeoff... banging again! It's just a joke!
  Hugh: This is 'Dave Deja Vu', where we repeat the repeats we repeated earlier.
  Ed: (sexy voice) Now ladies, you know what time it is; time to pour yourself a glass of wine and light some candles, 'cos up next it's... Dara O'Briain's Go 8-Bit.
  [cut to Dara laughing until he's wheezing, while Ed marches up to the Mockatron screen in the back to point out the word "UNLIKELY"]
• "Things You Never Hear on Daytime TV":
  Glenn Moore: Coming up now on BBC 2, you can use the red button to choose your daytime show. It's either a travel documentary about alcoholic narcoleptic rabbis on holiday or a current affairs and arts program. It's You Snooze You Lose Booze Cruise for Jews or News and Reviews; you choose.
  Angela: And this week on Location Location Location, will Kirstie and Phil finally find that garage to bang in?
  James: Today on Escape to the Country, we're escaping the law, and the country in question is Meh-hee-co.
  Hugh: (dripping with contempt) Well, because they're all the same, I can't be bothered to announce them all. Here's Flog Dickinsons Antique Some Hammer Pointless Breakout in the Country. Fucking finishes at 5.
• "Unlikely Lines from a Blockbuster Movie". Sounds like another reused one due to dressing up the title:
  • Hugh experiences an odd little interruption like everyone else anticipated the punchline:
    Hugh: Imagine a world where monkeys have given up tobacco... (Beat as everyone else laughs way too hard) Planet of the Vapes!
  Hugh: That's Mad Max, and those are his brothers - Sad Max, Bad Max, and Glad Max. And this is the fellow who started it all - Dad Max.
  • Milton once again in top form:
    Milton: Thesaurus: The Movie... The Film... The Flick... (Beat as audience laughs) The (buzzed) Motion Picture... (clearly corpsing as he backs out)
    Milton: (funny voice) I am Loki, Mischief God of Norse... Why is no one else dressed up... Oh, you said "dress low-key"...
  • Worth noting here is that Milton is dressed completely in green.
• Unlikely things for a vet to say has this opening salvo from Milton:
  Milton: (in an absurd, high-pitched voice) Welcome to the bakery!
  Cue half a minute of Corpsing from everybody, with Ed Gamble and Nish Kumar bent double at different points.
• Unlikely things to hear at the World Cup has Ed Gamble start out with "Here comes the Irish team!" Like Andy before him, Dara makes clear that Ed will pay for the joke.
  Dara: Here with the first answer is Hugh. (Audience laughs)
  Hugh: And here come the Irish team.
  • Followed swiftly by Milton putting on an Irish accent and apologizing for not making the cut this year.
    Angela: So it's Panama's first time at the tournament, but they have been doing FIFA's accounts.
• Things You Wouldn't Hear in a Charity Appeal.
  Hugh: Stuck in a chair. Barely able to move. Please help us get Dara walking again. (Dara silently buzzes him off, then continues buzzing while looking at the camera forlornly)
  Angela: For just 50p, Dara O'Briain will toss you off in Comic Hand Relief.
  Dara: (offended) 50p? Give me a quid at least, I'm classy! Kiss them and everything.
  Ed: Pale, sad, and hungry. We're raising money for the Irish football team.
• Due to a joke about Dara being booted off the show, the ripping on him continues into the next week:
  • From "Things You Wouldn't Hear on a News Programme":
    Hugh: Scientists say it could save the corporation millions, but the question still remains: can the robot be taught how to press the buzzer?
  • From "Unlikely Lines in a Children's Book":
    Hugh: "Well guess what", said the Big Friendly Giant. "I've just been fired from Mock the Week!"
  • Also from the latter segment...
    James: (chanting, clapping) We're going on a bear hunt!... We just shot Paddington and turned Winnie the Pooh into a fucking rug! We're not scared...
    Ellie: And then Paddington told the lady bear to brace herself before flipping her over and opening a fresh jar of marmalade... (mimes opening a jar and scooping out a pawful of marmalade, with a perverted and worryingly intense look on her face)
• "I'm going to walk like a dinosaur now", followed by Russell lassoing the Hugh-asaurus.
• "Unlikely Things to Hear in a Travel Documentary"
  Nish Kumar: I'm not Romesh Ranganathan. Please stop coming up to me in the street. Thank you.
  Suzi Ruffell: Welcome to the brand-new travel show about younger guys who want to date older women. "A Place in the Sun While Banging Your Mum."
  Ed Byrne: Paris is known as the City of Love. And it's easy to see why: it is wall-to-wall fanny.
• "Things You Wouldn't Hear on the Radio". Milton Jones silently waves and gives a thumbs up.
  • Similarly, Sara Pascoe's one-word response: "Mime."
    • Similarly, "Unlikely things to hear on a morning show":
      Milton: Goodnight.
    • And "Things you wouldn't hear on a survival show":
      Milton: No, everyone's dead...
  • See if you can guess what song Rhys James thinks is overplayed:
    "...and that was No. 2, Ed Sheeran with "Galway Girl", and now the No.1 for the 50th week in a row, Ed Sheeran with "Galway Girl"."
    (later)
    "On Jazz FM it's a new No. 1, it's skippitybabbapbibbitybapbee... sorry I was having a stroke, it's Ed Sheeran, "Galway Girl".
    (again later)
    "We interrupt with the news that Aretha Franklin has sadly passed away - and what better way to show our respect than with "Galway Girl" by Ed Sheeran."
• "Unlikely Lines from Kids' Films & TV Shows"
  Ed Gamble: (anguished) To me! (a Beat passes, then the Audience groans)^note Barry Elliot died from bone cancer just a month before this episode aired.
  Rhys: The Brave Little Toaster's owner was about to take him on his wildest adventure yet - all the way to the brave little bath.
• "Unlikely Lines from a TV Detective Show"
  Kerry Godliman: Two inches to the left, and that bullet would've gone right through your eyeball. But as it is, it went through the other eyeball.
  Ed Byrne: Ugh, God, I have to go to the morgue. He's always eating a sandwich! We get it, you're desensitized, well done!
  Ed Gamble: Ms. Harris, I'm sorry to have to do this, but we want you to identify a body... this body! (Hums out stripper music) Uh, but no, seriously, there is a body, and we think it's your fiancee.
  Larry Dean: Sigh Fourteen bullet wounds to the head...classic suicide.
  Kerry Godliman: Welcome to Sun Hill police station. I'm PC Every-British-Actor's-First-TV-Gig and this is Sgt. Too-Ugly-For-Hollyoaks.
• "Things You Wouldn't Hear on a History Documentary" had a slew of Punny Name jokes.
  Hugh: Henry VIII liked his wives to be athletic, and that was her downfall. She wouldn't run - she wouldn't walk. She would simply... Amble in. [Ed Gamble and Glenn Moore come over to raise Hugh's arms in victory for the masterful punnery]
  Hugh: As the door opened, he would utter the words which would start the Russian revolution. "Excuse me," he said, "Is Len in?"
  Glenn: This was a time before Sigourney Weaver, when everyone else had to weave their own Sigourneys. (Hugh pauses on the way to the mic to laugh, prompting Glenn to take a victory lap)
• They bring back the "romantic novel" suggestion, and Milton manages to find the least romantic occupation of all time:
  "Turn the light off," she said. "...what about all the boats?" said the lighthouse keeper.
  (later)
  "Carry me upstairs," she said. "I'd rather not," said the lighthouse keeper.
  (later)
  "Our relationship is on the rocks." (Everyone starts laughing) "That's inevitable," said the lighthouse keeper.
• "Unlikely Things to Hear in a Survival Show"
  Milton: No, everyone's dead.
  Angela: Now these worms are actually edible, and are a really good source of protein. Yet Brian still refuses to go down on me until I've seen the doctor.
  Milton: Three years I've been on this island with nothing to look at but the sea and the sand and that bridge. (Double Takes)
  Tom Allen: Well tonight, I'll be eating in the bush, which is a first for me.
• Unlikely Things to Hear on a Gardening Programme.
  Ed Gamble: These are my peonies, and this is my penis.
  Ed Byrne: There are hard and fast rules when it comes to laying turf... sod's law. (Audience groans) Come on!
  Ed Gamble: I keep all my gardening equipment in different places. I've got hoes in different area codes! (Audience laughs)
  Ed Byrne: No way! No way!
  Ed Gamble: I've got one more... There's hard and fast rules when you're laying turf... (Ed Byrne cracks up) ...sod's law!
• From Series 19, Episode 1 (the first to be recorded since the Covid-19 lockdown):
  • "Commercials that Never Made It to Air"
    Athena Kugblenu: Eight out of ten cats prefer your neighbour's house. Cats are traitors.
    Hugh: Ryanair. Not just an airline; it's also the name of our cheapest sandwich. (dead silence for three seconds) Rye-and-air.
    Athena: (visibly pregnant) Poundland condoms. You Get What You Pay For, yeah?
    Rhys: Rhys James. Because Ed Gamble's busy.
  • "Unlikely Lines from a Sci-Fi Movie"
    Nigel Ng: How can we tell you're not a robot? Hold up. Which of these squares contain a traffic light?
    Hugh: I tell you what, I just got it. Rye-and-air.
    Tom Allen: Okay, I'm gonna beam myself down to the surface of the planet. (jumping about) Oh, it's hot! It's so hot! It's molten hot! Why didn't anyone tell me?! *to the side, Angela Barnes goes into hysterics*
    Angela: Master Luke, I'm afraid the ship's crew have refused to go any further until they've had smashed avocado on toast. I knew we shouldn't have tried to get home in the Millenial Falcon. (stumbles over the pronunciation of 'falcon', swears and returns to the steps)
    Rhys: The crew refuse to go home until they've had avocado on toast. We shouldn't have- (also stumbles) Oh, I can't do it either.
    Hugh: Ryanair.
• It takes three episodes for Ed Byrne to bring this one back:
  Ed: It's another lockdown and you know what that means, it's another series of COOKING WHILE PISSED! [audience cheers] Today we're going to put an oven-ready meal into the microwave for TOO LONG!
• They do "things you won't hear in a kids' show", and Ed Byrne brings it again with an unlikely Call-Back to Angela's line about going back on Brexit:
  Ed: But before Cinderella had left the party she had did a shit in the punch bowl; and the prince said "Whosoever arse this shit fits, I will marry!" (already corpsing)
  • Another gem from Ed from an earlier version of the same topic.
    Ed: Look, Iggle Piggle! It's the Ninky-Nonk! Oooh, look, the... *sigh* Olivier said my Hamlet made him weep like a little girl...
• "Things a News Reporter Would Never Say":
  Angela Barnes: Now the traffic news. There's a terrible mess just past junction 16 on the M4—Swindon.
  Tom Allen: And now, to find out how those peace talks are progressing, we're going to cross now to Camp David. "Oh hellooo, ducky, how are youuu?"
  Ed Byrne: And I'm just getting word now that half of the hostages have been released! Which can only—oh hang on, sorry. Oh no, half a hostage has been released.
  Milton: The following scenes contain flash photography. Very flash. Terry's got a new camera!
  Milton again: And now, back to Phil Collins in the sussudio.
  Hugh: Water has been discovered on the moon, very close to the spot where Neil Armstrong said "Hey Buzz, I'm just nipping behind this rock for a minute."
  Ed Byrne: Eyewitnesses say that the flasher bears a resemblance to Gru from Despicable Me, and emits a short buzzing sound just before exposing himself.
  (cut to Dara hitting the buzzer with a lewd expression)
• "Unlikely Lines from a Fantasy Film or Show":
  Maisie Adam: He may only drink blood, but he eats everything. He is... "Vampire the Buffet Slayer"!
  Ed Gamble: Unfortunately, sir, your dragon has failed its emissions test. May I interest you in an electric eel?
• "Bad Things to Hear from Your Flatmate":
  Rhys James: Welcome to your new home! I forgot to tell you that every evening in this flat, we watch the Dara O Briain DVD!
  Dara: Firstly—"the" Dara O Briain DVD?
  Michael Odewale: Hey man, I'm sorry your dog died... but I did tell it to stop barking.
  Ed Gamble: Who's your friend who keeps coming over in the middle of the night—the little Victorian girl with no eyes?
  Rhys: Okay, okay, I know you're a bit sick of the last one, so I managed to get the other Dara O Briain DVD!
  Catherine Bohart: Oh good, you're all settled in! Hey, if you watch a lot of porn, you might recognize our kitchen.
• Milton goes 3-for-3 when they do "Unlikely Things to Hear in a Costume Drama":
  Milton: They're all naked. (extended Beat before he shuffles off stage and audience reacts)
  • From the same prompt:
    Ed Byrne: Ah! Batman! I mean, it's technically a costume...
    Ed Gamble: Well, why d'you think the duchess is crying?! You just referred to her husband's coffin as "the Duke Box!"
    Rhys: Hi, yeah, is that King Arthur? I'm hoping you can help. It's not really a Sword in the Stone thing; more of a "cucumber-arse" situation.
• Rosie Jones knocks it out of the park for "Things You Wouldn't Hear On A Breakfast Show":
  Rosie: [smiling brightly] Morning, cunts!
  • And who's the only person to try and top that?
    Hugh: Just checking, this isn't live, is it?
• Earlier in the show, Alasdair Beckett-King had done a bit about the scarcity of gingers (during "Spinning the News") leading to "Things You Wouldn't Hear At An Awards Show" getting briefly derailed:
  Alasdair: Welcome to the MOGO Awards - Music Of Ginger Origin. (buzzed)
  Ed Byrne: Tonight's MOGO Awards had to be cancelled due to Ed Sheeran not feeling well. [taunting Alasdair] What else ya got?! What else ya got?!
  Alasdair: Don't make me shout out 'Mick Hucknall'! Come on! Give me my dignity! [massive audience meltdown]
  Ed: That is actually something he says while having sex. "Don't make me shout 'Mick Hucknall'..."
  • Ed Byrne rounds off the segment about 'Unlikely things to hear on a medical show' by pretending to be a doctor who puts his patients at ease during their rectal exams by singing a little song, before miming the process while singing 'One finger, one thumb (keep moving)'.
• "Unlikely Lines from the Final Harry Potter Book":
  Frankie: It was a magic mirror that showed the future, and in it, Harry seemed to be a 30-year-old man, appearing in something called "The Bill".
  Hugh: "I'm sorry, Harry, I'm having a baby, and it's yours," said Professor McGonagall.
  • One of the Too Hot for TV lines was this:
    Frankie: Harry awoke to find the whole thing was a dream and he was being raped by an orderly.
• "Unlikely Things to Hear from a Sports Commentator":
  Hugh: So, just eighty metres to go and the building of this running track will be finished.
  Jack Whitehall: Unfortunately, the Man United team have turned up with the wrong kit, so today, they're gonna have to play in their pants.
• "Unlikely Things to Hear at the Oscars":
  Rory Bremner: The dress? Oh... Primark.
  Frankie: Unfortunately, King Kong can't be with us tonight...
  Andy: Thank you. This'll be on eBay tomorrow morning.
• "Unlikely Things to Hear on Question Time":
  Ed Byrne: Allow me to answer your question with a question. Why don't you f**k off?!
  Frankie: I'm going to take a question from a black man without mentioning that he's black. The man in the red jumper, please.
  Hugh: David Dimbleby, you haven't answered a question all night. You are The Weakest Link, goodbye.
  Frankie: Tonight, we're in Norwich. Let's say hello to the audience. Look, men from magic picture box go speakey speakey!
• "Ill-Advised Things to Say in Court":
  Andy: How could you see me?! I was wearing a balaclava!
  Frankie: And I put it to you, m'lud, that child is sexy.
• "Unsettling Things to Hear from the Cockpit of a Plane":
  Frankie: We're about to experience a bit of turbulence, and then a lot of falling.
  Rory Bremner: This is your captain speaking. We're out at the moment. Please leave a message after the tone.
  Rory Bremner, again: *Humming Ride of the Valkyries*
• "Lines That You'd Never Hear in a Bond Film" (as a coincidence, Casino Royale was released in the United Kingdom at the time this episode aired):
  Ed Byrne: (impersonating Blofeld stroking his cat) Mr. Bond...have you ever kissed a man?
  Frankie: You're very good at poker, but let's how you do on the fruit machines.
  Andy: Here's your new car, Bond...a Ford Focus.
  Frankie: (Sean Connery voice) We'd better slow down, there are speed cameras.
  Hugh: I hope you're not going to be one of those Russian agents whose name is just a cheap sexual pun, Miss Sukmioff.
  • The subject appeared again six years later ahead of the release of Skyfall:
  Hugh: Agents aren't what they used to be, 007. Meet 118 118.
  Josh: One dry Martini, shaken, not stirred, and...four Jägerbombs.
  Andy: We're really pushing product placement in this film, so here's your new secretary, Miss MoneySuperMarket.com.
  Chris Addison: (in a rather good Sean Connery voice) Goldfinger, what are you doing with that laser? You've nearly burnt my cock off!
  Milton: MI-6?^note Am I six? ...No, you're a lot older than that, Bond.
  • And again:
  Hugh: We've got the latest news on Thunderball, 007. No one won last week, and it's a rollover.^note Thunderball shares its name with one of the National Lottery games. In Lotto, should there be no jackpot winners, then the jackpot up for grabs is carried over and added to the jackpot up for grabs in the next draw.
  Gary Delaney: This is the easiest fight on top of a train I've ever had. Thank you, Southern Rail.
  Sara Pascoe: Oh, Mr. Bond, I'm very flattered by your advances, but, err, you are a complete stranger, you work for my enemy, and I'm menstruating very heavily.
  James Acaster: It's another gadget, Bond. This is something to distract your opponents: Some light-up trainers for no reason. (cuts to a shot of Sara's shoes)
• Series 5 had "Unlikely Things for a Royal Correspondent to Say", and the regulars had a few nice zingers here:
  Frankie: Isn't it wonderful to see Prince Charles being made King at the age of 137?^note Either Hilarious in Hindsight or Harsher in Hindsight now that Charles III has officially ascended to the throne at the age of 73.
  Andy: And the Queen there, majestically taking her place in the queue to withdraw her savings from Northern Rock.
  Hugh: Well, the crowd are absolutely loving this event. The night sky is dancing with life. Yes, the Queen set fire to Windsor Castle again.
  Frankie: It's great to see the whole family waving from the balcony through the sights of my AK-47.
  Hugh: And as Prince Phillip cuts the tape to open this mental institution, the doctors have got him!
• Some more rejected lines from movies:
  Frankie: Milk? Bread? Rich Tea biscuits? Are you sure this is the right list, Mr. Schindler?
  Also Frankie: A census taker tried to test me once. I ate his liver with some fish fingers and a bottle of Jacob's Creek.
• Continuing with the Harry Potter lines:
  Frankie: Harry thought of his magical adventures very differently, now that he'd been diagnosed as a schizophrenic.
• "Things You're Unlikely to Hear on a Quiz Show":
  Frankie: Hello, and welcome to Ask the Family. Mr. Fritzl, where's the rest of them?^note Just in case you don't know what he means...
  Andy: Hello, we're Ant and Dec, and welcome to Double Our Money...oh, Double Your Money.
  Frankie: It's the banker. He says he's got your kids.
• Milton Jones once again shone when the topic was "Unlikely Things to Hear at a Wedding or Funeral":
  • "It was always Alan's dream to be buried with his wife. So, this afternoon, we shot her."
  • "I know it's customary as father of the bride to give my daughter away, but I'd like to try something different...eh, 55, 55, 55, do I have 60 in the room? Do I have 60 in the room?"
  • "Sadly, today, we all know exactly where Wally is."
  • The other contestants were in great form as well.
    Hugh: Just because he was morbidly obese doesn't mean he can't be buried with dignity. Gary, get the forklift.
    Kerry: We choreographed our own first dance because We. Are. Assholes.
    Ed B.: Does anybody else find there's a seriously inconsistent tone at this "Wedding or Funeral"?
• The same episode had "Unlikely Things to Hear at the Royal Variety Show":
  Milton: (perfect Scottish accent) Hello, I'm Frankie Boyle.
  Angela Barnes: Welcome Ginger, Baby, Sporty, Posh, and the other one - yes, it's the Royal Family!
  Kerry: Unfortunately, Prince Andrew is running late because he's stuck in trafficking
  Hugh: This next act needs no introduction. (walks off)
  Ed: Yes, she bends, she twists, she contorts herself... But The Queen cannot get out of her obligation to attend this shitshow.
  • Also covered in an earlier episode (it says "Inappropriate Acts for the Royal Variety Performance" but the idea is the same):
  Frankie: Stephen Hawking Unplugged.
• "Deleted Lines from a Fantasy Film":
  Hugh: I don't know why you're so upset, Harry. The original Dumbledore died three films ago and no one gave a s**t.^note For Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Michael Gambon took over Richard Harris in the role of Dumbledore due to the latter's death before the release of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
  Frankie: My friends, we will never hear the word "Mordor"^note A play on the word "murder", which the latter series frequently used with a very Scottish flavour. again. Taggart has been cancelled.
  Greg: (embracing Lucy Porter) This will never work, Frodo.
  Russel: Did you find Narnia in the wardrobe? No Edmund, we found your porn stash.
  Greg: You alright, John? How's it going? Yeah, how's the kids? Alright, see you later.
• "Bad Things for a By-Election Candidate to Say":
  Frankie: I would like to catch your baby, but we don't want to go down that road again.
  Hugh: I am the perfect candidate. This is an election, and I am by.^note bisexual
  Michael McIntyre: Knife crime must end! Just last week, I was given a steak knife when I clearly ordered a fish.
• Unlikely Lines From a Cosmetics Commercial
  Ed G.: Do you long for the soft skin of a teenager? And just to remind you, you are under oath, Prince Andrew.
  Sophie Duker: Stop aging in its tracks! Die!
  Ed B.: Kiss goodbye to wrinkles. Seriously, tell your granny you'll miss her.
  Ed G.: I want my face to have a Matte finish. Which is why I let my mate Matt finish on my face.
  Sophie: Do you have a face? Well, it's wrong.
• "Unlikely Things to Hear in the Government COVID Briefing":
  Angela: So tonight's COVID briefing will be hosted by Matt Hancock, Chris Whitty, and due to a scheduling mix-up, Gyles Brandreth in Dictionary Corner.^note Countdown and Gogglebox air on the same channel in the UK.
  Hugh: Due to an administrative mix-up today, can I please urge everyone who was inoculated with the Tizer to return to the vaccination centre?^note Tizer is a British brand of citrus-flavoured soft drink
  Alasdair Beckett-King: I've got a little man in my pocket. His name is Quincy St. John. (to himself) What's that, Quincy? (to the audience) He says I shouldn't have told you...
• Andy Murray returned to the audience after winning the 2016 Wimbledon championships, just in time to bear witness to "Unlikely Things for a Sports Commentator to Say":
  Josh: And there you have it, Andy Murray has won his second Wimbledon. Thank you for watching. I'm Tim Henman. This is the worst day of my life.
  (camera cuts to Andy and Kim losing it)
  Milton: [Wayne] Rooney to [Jamie] Vardy. Back to Rooney. To Vardy...nope, none of them can open that packet of sandwiches.
  Hugh: McIlroy takes out the driver... Uber aren't gonna be happy about that.
• Some more unlikely film trailers from series 13:
  Hugh: (deep, raspy voice) One man fights his greatest peril... laryngitis.
  Andy: No, this isn't the day the earth stood still. It's just you're in Norfolk.
  • Series 17 had some corkers:
  Hugh: Stay at the Chigwell Holiday Inn. Essex plumbers for all your plumbing needs. Visit our beautiful forest. Three Billboards Outside Epping.
  Ed Byrne: Coming this summer, the sequel to La La Land... Po Land.^note "La-La" + "Po" = A hidden Teletubbies reference.
  Glenn Moore: She was a Hollywood actress in a sordid version of Snog, Marry, Avoid. Winona Ryder: Win, Own or Write Her.
  Milton: A Welsh thriller... (Welsh accent) The Dragon With the Girl Tattoo.
  Glenn: Coming soon to an illegal streaming site near you... Jurassic.Park-hdcam-japanesesubtitles.mp4.
• When "Unlikely Things to Read in the Bible" returned in series 10:
  Andy: And lo, they finally saw the sign that God has promised: "You are now leaving Swindon."
  Hugh: But when they got there, the temple was empty. "RIKES!" said Scoob.
  Milton: And the children of Israel wandered around the desert for forty years, until eventually, Moses' wife said: "Are you gonna ask for directions?"
  Andy: And Moses saw the burning bush, and said to his wife, "I think you've overdone that bikini waxing!"
  Hugh: And David smote Goliath. He meant to smack him, but he was using predictive text.
• Series 10 episode 9's take on "Unlikely Things to Hear in a Science Documentary" has this glorious combination from Greg Davies and Andy Parsons:
  Greg: And as the sperm swim towards the eggs, it's hard not to think that I've ruined this fried breakfast.
  Andy: *Beat* ...I'm never again going to have a fried breakfast.
• When "Unlikely Things to Hear Over a Tannoy" returned in series 14:
  Rob Beckett: Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon, and welcome to Waitrose, you smug, rich pricks.
  Andy: The 16:25^note 4:25pm has unfortunately been cancelled, and has been replaced by replacement bus service. easyJet would like to apologise for passengers who are going to Greece.
  Milton: I only work in the post office for the crumpet. Watch this... Widow No. 2, please.
  Hugh: Welcome to the Sexist Supermarket... Checkout No. 3!
• In Unlikely Lines from a Children's Book in Season 21, Episode 4, Hugh managed to get a fly that had been pestering the panel throughout the whole show, and after his line ("No one fucks with me!"), Ed Byrne follows on with one of his own:
  Ed: And the Baby Fly said to Mummy Fly, "But where's Daddy?"
  Dara: You've gone dark in your old age, haven't you?
• From Season 21's "Commercials That Never Made It to Air":
  Hugh: At WeBuyAnyCar.com we buy any...fuck off, it hasn't even got wheels!
  • And from the previous season's take on the topic
    Hugh: Nom nom nom, cocks are nice.
    Ahir: BP. *Beat followed by Ahir giving the hammiest Evil Laugh he can*
• The final episode ended with Unlikely Things to Hear on Mock the Week, and everyone is on top form to end the show with a bang:
  Hugh: After you.
  Angela: Welcome to Series 22!
  Rhys: Some people say that this show is scripted and rehearsed, but as a British Asian man^note referring to Ahir- sorry, that's your one.
  Zoe: What I've never actually told Dara is that I've connected his buzzer via Bluetooth to my... love eggs. [Dara puts his hands off the buzzer as Zoe looks at the camera knowingly, before pressing it several times.]
  Rhys: And the show has been saved by an anonymous benefactor! Still the same old show you know and love. Now time for our first round, "Ooh, Isn't Putin Handsome?"
  Ahir: After seventeen years, the greatest "will-they-won't-they" in British television history finally comes to an end, as Hugh and Dara finally fuck.
  Hugh: Vigorously. [the crowd erupts into cheers]
  Rhys: Well, now it's time for the final scores! In second place, it's Angela with twelve, and in first place, it's Hugh with forty-eight billion and six.
  • The line about Hugh and Dara fucking is made funnier by the final scene in the last ever episode, where Dara wakes up in bed announcing he's had a terrible dream in which he was hosting Mock the Week for 17 years, only for his partner to awaken and turn out to be Hugh.

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