- Mitch and Cam realizing they've tied two giant stuffed animals to their car in an unfortunately sexual looking position, and then being unable to find a less problematic setup.
- Gloria reveals to Claire that she's pregnant, and the first thing Claire says? "You're gonna get fat!"
- Followed with her desperately asking Jay exactly how much weight Gloria has gained.
- Phil and Claire destroying Haley's college roommate's first impression of her by Phil mistaking her for Claire and grabbing her butt, Claire apparently ordering My Little Pony sheets for Haley's bed, and Phil spilling the condoms Claire bought her all over the floor.
- When the parents of a boy who bullied Lily turn out to be a lesbian couple, Mitch and Cam simultaneously mutter "Lesbians" in a tone worthy of "Hello, Newman."
- The ending to "Schooled" features members of the cast reading selections from the "Phil'sosophy" (a bound collection of sayings by Phil he created as a gift for Haley), then looking up in utter bafflement as to what they just read
"Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed."
"Older black ladies make the best iced tea."
"Genius is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail.
"You can tell a lot about a person by from his biography
"If you love something set it free. Unless it's a tiger."
"When life give you lemonade. Make lemons. Life will be all like 'Whaaat?"
- The ending of "Snip" where the family shares embarrassing photos of each other, especially Jay's pic of Phil.
- Cam singing on his keyboard in the middle of the night and Lily coming out and unplugging it looking extremely un-amused.
- Phil being trapped under a motorcycle in the LA hills and recording his plight a la 127 Hours.
- The discovery of Gloria's old dummy "Uncle Grumpy" that she used for a ventriloquist act in beauty pageant. She still won despite freezing onstage doing the routine ("Imagine this at 18!") but she was humiliated and vowed never to perform again but Luke convinces her to do it for the family. ("I know how to push buttons to get what I want. And what I want is a puppet show.") Gloria is a pretty terrible ventriloquist with her mouth clearly moving when "Uncle Grumpy" talks but it's the jokes are funny in a corny way and it's still charming. Then Jay comes out dressed in the same color clothes as Grumpy and complaining about something Claire realizes "Oh my god, she married her puppet!"
- While trick-or-treating, Manny is tempted to go with Durkas, the school cool kid. Luke tries to push him into it, while his other friend Reuben argues the opposite. The dialogue in the scene comes off as a bit contrived until you realize that Luke's dressed as Satan and Reuben's an Angels player.
- The whole subplot with Phil being Mistaken for Gay by Matthew Broderick, who just broke up with his partner. Finally he kisses Phil as he leaves, and Phil just stands there confused for several seconds before a Late to the Punchline moment as he goes up the stairs. "Ohhhhhhh."
- Cam, dressed as a cat, getting stuck in a tree.
- Jay explaining Gloria's "pregnancy brain":
Jay: The other day, I found a bar of soap in the kitchen and a stick of butter in the shower. I smelled like a bucket of popcorn the whole day.
Manny: Better than the toast I ate.
Jay: Yet you ate the second piece.
- Jay, a little drunk, telling the other dads at the birthday party a story about Phil:
Jay: What's that movie with the boombox?
Jay: Right, with John Mahoney...
- Cam reading the newspaper seeing his "bizarre protest" making the front page...then he turns to the back.
"This production of Cats
should be put to sleep?"
Mitch: Don't read that!
- Phil and Mitchell's text fight concerning who will take the blame for being the wet blanket on Cam and Claire's house flipping plan, the entirety of which Cam and Claire can see because the fight's in a group text.
- Lily on her New Years Eve sleep over with Haley and Alex.
Lily: Who's watching me?
Lily: No really.
Lily: Okay, let's go.
- And then neither Haley nor Alex are watching her because Manny and Luke have girls over. Cue a knock at the door, revealing Lily standing outside.
Lily: I'm cold and I saw a coyote.
- The family attempting to figure out how they're all related to Gloria's new baby.
Luke: So he's our uncle?
Alex: Half-uncle, not full uncle.
Haley: What's a fulunkle?
- Manny and his date sharing a kiss, then the lights go on to reveal the rest of the family there for the surprise party, only she realizes it before Manny does.
- Lily continually getting accidentally injured by Cam throughout the episode, from getting an eyepatch and neck brace and then pushed into the pool.
Cam: (at Manny's birthday party) Sweetie I brought you a cookie!
Lily: I ate at the emergency room.
- Lily getting hurt when she rammed her toy car into the wall while Cam and Mitchell arguing:
- Gloria's sister Sonia screaming "You stole my life!" at her in church when she learns that she might have wound up marrying Jay if she hadn't gone to the bathroom at the wrong moment.
- The very next scene is one long C Mo F. The best part of which being Gloria's sister threatening that Gloria might take a walk in her closet one day and never come back, with wide, unblinking eyes.
- And now to submit Dylan's T-shirt in "A Slight at the Opera," the one with a lion saying, "Moo! I'm a horse!"
- Jay's reason why Gloria's mom shouldn't pick the baby boy's name:
- Lily's exchange with Sal about her wedding in "Best Men."
Sal: Sorry that you couldn't come. There was no kids.
Lily: That's okay, I'll come to your next one.
Mitchell: That's okay! She just means when she's not a kid anymore.
Lily: She knows what I mean.
Sal: (whispering) I don't like you.
Lily: (whispering) I'll get over it.
Sal slaps down the toy mirror Lily is holding
Lily gives a kid version of a FU face
- The climax of "The Wow Factor", right after the Crowning Moment of Awesome when Cam turns "The Dancing Waters" on, when they realize the water intakes are sucking in the goldfish he added to the two neighboring pools.
- The entire scene at the Vietnamese restaurant in "The Future Dunphys", with Lilly being less than enthusiastic about the food and her birth country, Mitchell trying to explain to her how just because her fathers are gay doesn't mean she is and in the process saying "you're not gay; you're just confused" then suddenly catching himself, and finally Cam, trying to reaffirm the value of connection to one's native culture, loudly saying "Everyone should go back to where they came from!"
- Moreso, the way everything they say seems to come at exactly the wrong moment. Paraphrased:
Mitchell: Lily, you're not gay, you're just confused. *Cue lesbian couple walking by and glaring at him*
Gloria: (Lamenting about how Manny forgot his Spanish and Joe may not learn any) My children are going to become boring old white people! *Cue old white couple walking past and looking at her*
Cam: (Reassuring them) Most of our friends are white. *Cue black couple walking past and glaring at Cam*
- Javier's lady has a Freak Out! after he proposed to her so she accidentally runs into Manny's room.
"I thought this was the bathroom. It smelled like potpourri."
- Jay and Gloria find out that Cam and Mitch had a game night without them with their friends, Pepper among them.
Jay: (looking devastated) But Pepper loves me...
- In the same episode, Jay, Gloria and Manny need to get into the Dunphy and Tucker-Pritchett family houses. Both times, the camera pans away, pans back, and then Gloria opens the door... from the inside.
- Lily gets skeptical about a letter from the Tooth Fairy.
"Let me see that... (Takes letter) I can't read."