Cameron introducing Lily to the family, a la The Lion King with 'The Circle of Life' blasting (right after Mitchell has argued with his father's referring to Cam as "overdramatic").
The Funny Back Ground Event of Cam rushing towards the car holding a trash can to break a window (Lily having been locked inside) as Mitchell is calling Onstar to unlock the car. All the funnier when the Onstar woman tells Mitchell to calm his wife down, only for Mitchell to tell her "that's a man."
"You know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castleó-you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation."
Mitchell's first time at Costco. "What IS this place!?" accompanied by a look of epiphany.
"I'm like Costco. I'm big, I ain't fancy, and I dare you not to love me."
Several in "Hawaii", including Manny and Luke's rooming together, and the whole "Lily in the elevator" segment.
The latter being followed by "Don't worry, I used to lose Manny all the time."
Luke: I had bread, I had cheese, and I had an iron. What was I supposed to do?
The whole intercutting of the ADHD discussion between Alex and Claire and Phil's actions in the garage.
The end of "Not In My House", with Jay and Barkley the dog butler. The entire episode seems to be a set-up for that one joke, but it is COMPLETELY worth the effort.
"It's a dog and a butler!"
Cam turning to Mitchell and saying, "Wow. You just made figure skating sound even gayer." From a straight character, it'd be perhaps a little off-color. Coming from Cam who has N-Word Privileges, it works.
Jay spraying Manny in the face with water to stop him creeping on Haley.
From the Valentine's Day episode:
Jay:Honey, you can't turn Valentine's Day into some silly competition. It defeats the whole point.
Gloria: Shaddap, I win.
"Yesterday's lazy cures today's crazy." And pretty much the rest of that subplot.
"I'm trapped in the men's room and all I have on is a Spider-man costume!" "Hot! Who is this?"
"Halloween" Gloria angrily speaking in a bad American accent after Jay makes fun of being hard to understand. Especially funny when she participates in Claire's haunted house "Welcome to your nightmare! Ha Ha Ha Ha!"
After Claire tells her dad to make sure he doesn't forget the fog cue: "this whole thing is a colossal fog cue".
Phil and Claire's kids walking in on them while they were having sex... in the "doggy-style" position.
Even funnier is Luke's reaction:
Luke: Whatever they were doing, I think dad was winning.
(Haley looks horrified)
From "The Musical Man", there's the sequence at the end of the school play:
WE LOVE THE F WORD
Also, the harness jamming and Luke becoming stuck in mid-air.
In the "Mother's Day" episode, Luke talking about coyotes attacking them on their hike, and he'll protect them with a popsicle stick he sharpened that smells like lemon-lime, because that's a flavor coyotes hate.
(the Dunphy kids are sitting on a rock waiting for their mom)
Luke: Did you know more people have died hiking than in the entire Civil War?
Alex: Okay, what book did you get this information from?
Luke: Book? Wake up and smell the internet, grandma.
From "See You Next Fall":
Haley: You'll be a social piranha!
Alex: Yes, I will be an Amazonian carnivorous fish!
From "Someone to Watch Over Lilly":
Luke: Dad, I'm going to teach myself how to juggle.
Phil: (as he attempts to put out a kitchen fire) Good for you, buddy.
Jay: I just wanted you to be a bit more organized, you can be a little scatterbrained sometimes.
Gloria: You're the one whose brains are going to be scattered! Manny, hand me the gun!
Mitchell participating in a flash mob (it was for Cameron), and Cameron's reaction to it.
Cameron: You cheated on me.
Mitchell: How did I cheat on you?
Cameron: You cheated on me with choreography. And that is the worst kind.
Mitchell: How is that the worst...
Cameron: You danced without me, Mitchell!
Phil: I don't always make good decisions under pressure.
Claire: What the hell is that?
Phil: It's an alpaca. I got the last one.
Claire trying to have a serious conversation with her daughters, as the sounds of Phil falling off a tightrope keep interrupting.
The traffic video Phil and Luke made.
And Phil getting hit on the face with a basketball right after the vid.
Lily is aged to being able to talk, and the first thing we hear her talk about at any length is wanting to kill her prospective new brother.
Later on in the season, Lily starts saying fuck around the house causing Cameron to laugh every time and Mitch to cringe every time. This eventually cumulates into a Cluster F-Bombin church during a wedding where the entire audience begins to crack up.
From "Express Christmas
Claire: Oh, thank God, here comes Phil with the butterball!
The Little Fizbo bit in the episode "Send Out the Clowns". Be prepared to not breath for a bit, it's that gut-bustingly funny.
Cam's zombie-like interview after having to stay up all night consoling Lily on losing one of her toys.
From the Disneyland episode, the whole "Lily on a leash" arc—first Lily barking, then Jay ordering her to heel, then Lily getting tangled up with another leash kid (named Rex!), then Lily running after Chip and Dale (Cam: "And now she's chasing squirrels."
Also from Disneyland: Dylan's time in costume as Little John.
The whole family arguing through clenched smiles while imitating a Norman Rockwell painting.
Mitchell, Cam go to the hospital where the baby they want to adopt is being born and witness a Real Life "Telenovela"(Spanish Soap Opera) with Gloria translating for them what's going on. Turns into a Tear Jerker when it ends with them not getting the baby.
"SNORKELS!! WHERE ARE YOU SNORKELS?!" screamed by Mitchell whilst running fully clothed into the ocean.
Mitch and Cam realizing they've tied two giant stuffed animals to their car in an unfortunately sexual looking position, and then being unable to find a less problematic setup.
Gloria reveals to Claire that she's pregnant, and the first thing Claire says? "You're gonna get fat!"
Followed with her desperately asking Jay exactly how much weight Gloria has gained.
Phil and Claire destroying Haley's college roommate's first impression of her by Phil mistaking her for Claire and grabbing her butt, Claire apparently ordering My Little Pony sheets for Haley's bed, and Phil spilling the condoms Claire bought her all over the floor.
When the parents of a boy who bullied Lily turn out to be a lesbian couple, Mitch and Cam simultaneously mutter "Lesbians" in a tone worthy of "Hello, Newman."
The Venn Diagram explaining how gay men and lesbians have nothing in common.
The ending to "Schooled" features members of the cast reading selections from the "Phil'sosophy" (a bound collection of sayings by Phil he created as a gift for Haley), then looking up in utter bafflement as to what they just read
"Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed." "Older black ladies make the best iced tea." "Genius is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail." "You can tell a lot about a person by from his biography." "If you love something set it free. Unless it's a tiger." "When life give you lemonade. Make lemons. Life will be all like 'Whaaat?"
The ending of "Snip" where the family shares embarrassing photos of each other, especially Jay's pic of Phil.
Cam singing on his keyboard in the middle of the night and Lily coming out and unplugging it looking extremely un-amused.
Phil being trapped under a motorcycle in the LA hills and recording his plight a la 127 Hours.
The discovery of Gloria's old dummy "Uncle Grumpy" that she used for a ventriloquist act in beauty pageant. She still won despite freezing onstage doing the routine ("Imagine this at 18!") but she was humiliated and vowed never to perform again but Luke convinces her to do it for the family. ("I know how to push buttons to get what I want. And what I want is a puppet show.") Gloria is a pretty terrible ventriloquist with her mouth clearly moving when "Uncle Grumpy" talks but it's the jokes are funny in a corny way and it's still charming. Then Jay comes out dressed in the same color clothes as Grumpy and complaining about something Claire realizes "Oh my god, she married her puppet!"
While trick-or-treating, Manny is tempted to go with Durkas, the school cool kid. Luke tries to push him into it, while his other friend Reuben argues the opposite. The dialogue in the scene comes off as a bit contrived until you realize that Luke's dressed as Satan and Reuben's an Angels player.
The whole subplot with Phil being Mistaken for Gay by Matthew Broderick, who just broke up with his partner. Finally he kisses Phil as he leaves, and Phil just stands there confused for several seconds before a Late to the Punchline moment as he goes up the stairs. "Ohhhhhhh."
Cam, dressed as a cat, getting stuck in a tree.
Jay explaining Gloria's "pregnancy brain":
Jay: The other day, I found a bar of soap in the kitchen and a stick of butter in the shower. I smelled like a bucket of popcorn the whole day.
Manny: Better than the toast I ate.
Jay: Yet you ate the second piece.
Jay, a little drunk, telling the other dads at the birthday party a story about Phil:
Cam reading the newspaper seeing his "bizarre protest" making the front page...then he turns to the back.
Cam: "This production of Cats should be put to sleep?"
Mitch: Don't read that!
Phil and Mitchell's text fight concerning who will take the blame for being the wet blanket on Cam and Claire's house flipping plan, the entirety of which Cam and Claire can see because the fight's in a group text.
Lily on her New Years Eve sleep over with Haley and Alex.
Lily: Who's watching me?
Lily: No really.
Lily: Okay, let's go.
And then neither Haley nor Alex are watching her because Manny and Luke have girls over. Cue a knock at the door, revealing Lily standing outside.
Lily: I'm cold and I saw a coyote.
The family attempting to figure out how they're all related to Gloria's new baby.
Luke: So he's our uncle?
Alex: Half-uncle, not full uncle.
Haley: What's a fulunkle?
Manny and his date sharing a kiss, then the lights go on to reveal the rest of the family there for the surprise party, only she realizes it before Manny does.
Lily continually getting accidentally injured by Cam throughout the episode, from getting an eyepatch and neck brace and then pushed into the pool.
Cam:(at Manny's birthday party) Sweetie I brought you a cookie!
Lily: I ate at the emergency room.
Lily getting hurt when she rammed her toy car into the wall while Cam and Mitchell arguing:
Lily's exchange with Sal about her wedding in "Best Men."
Sal: Sorry that you couldn't come. There was no kids.
Lily: That's okay, I'll come to your next one.
Mitchell: That's okay! She just means when she's not a kid anymore.
Lily: She knows what I mean.
Sal: (whispering) I don't like you.
Lily: (whispering) I'll get over it.
Sal slaps down the toy mirror Lily is holding
Lily gives a kid version of a FU face
The climax of "The Wow Factor", right after the Crowning Moment Of Awesome when Cam turns "The Dancing Waters" on, when they realize the water intakes are sucking in the goldfish he added to the two neighboring pools.
The entire scene at the Vietnamese restaurant in "The Future Dunphys", with Lilly being less than enthusiastic about the food and her birth country, Mitchell trying to explain to her how just because her fathers are gay doesn't mean she is and in the process saying "you're not gay; you're just confused" then suddenly catching himself, and finally Cam, trying to reaffirm the value of connection to one's native culture, loudly saying "Everyone should go back to where they came from!"
Javier's lady has a Freak Out after he proposed to her so she accidentally runs into Manny's room.
"I thought this was the bathroom. It smelled like potpourri."
Jay and Gloria find out that Cam and Mitch had a game night without them with their friends, Pepper among them.
Jay:(looking devastated) But Pepper loves me...
In the same episode, Jay, Gloria and Manny need to get into the Dunphy and Tucker-Pritchett family houses. Both times, the camera pans away, pans back, and then Gloria opens the door... from the inside.
Lily gets skeptical about a letter from the Tooth Fairy.
"Let me see that... (Takes letter) I can't read."
The entire scene where, in desperation to get the hundred dollar bill back, Cam and Mitchell recruit Haley to be the Tooth Fairy.
Haley: Do you guys mind if I borrow this costume?
Mitch: What for?
Haley: I'd rather not say.
After Manny leaves on a plane to Columbia for the summer.
Lily: What if he never comes back?
Jay: Don't worry, people always come back home.
Lily: I didn't.
Cameron showing up to the AP US History class he's been assigned to sub in dressed as George Washington, while improvising his lecture (he knows very little about the subject) and constantly being corrected by Alex to the point that she finally winds up teaching the class.
Phil and Gloria being distracting Large Hams as background extras in a commercial.
Mitch and Cam in "Larry's Wife".
Mitch: Hello my fiance.
Cam: Good morning my intended.
Mitch: That makes it sound like you're gonna murder me.
Cam: [creepy monotone] You are my intended.
In their front yard, Mitch and Cam finally confront each other about the fact that they ought to be planning their wedding together rather than having Cam make the arrangements by himself. Just as they've admitted the need for Mitch to help reign in Cam's tendency to let things get crazy out of control, this happens - It Makes Sense in Context to the viewer, but bear in mind that from Mitchell's point of view it comes out of nowhere:
A bagpiper, in full kilt and regalia, bursts out of the front door.
Jay: It makes me feel like Ann Margaret in Bye Bye Birdie.
Luke, lying in wait in "The Late Show" for the shifty pizza delivery men Claire had been concerned about, paintballing her and ruining her blouse when she and Phil return to the house unannounced.
Mitch and Cam pick the same outfits and start fighting over who gets to wear it. Then they try and get Lily and Alex to pick which one wore it best. Then, Cam opens a soda he got from Mitch and gets sprayed all over, and thinks Mitch shook it so he wouldn't have to change.
Cam: Did you girls see anything? Lily: [hands Alex a crayon] Just pretend you're colouring. [Alex wordlessly takes crayon and begins scribbling on the inside cover of her copy of Little Women.]
And later in the episode, Mitch turns out to have worn the same outfit as Claire.
Phil's reaction to his recently widowed dad bringing home a middle aged prostitute the night before.
Jay's fair cop partner getting his new shirt messy, while a nearby saxophone player makes the scene feel like a Lethal Weapon movie where one of them just got shot.
Joe flying a model airplane into Phil's face as he's celebrating the repair of the Apollo 13 model.
Mitch arrives with some wrapped gifts that Cam suddenly wants to donate to underprivileged kids. Only these aren't gifts for kids, but for Pepper's party Cam and Mitch were going to attend. "No presents please" means something else when Pepper says it. "No presents? Please!"
Random Kid #1: His and his shower clogs?
Random Kid #2: What's a Himalayan salt plate?
Cam: You can season your food while you serve it.
Random Kid #3: Body fat scale?
Cam: I wish I had one of those when I was your age. You're welcome.
Also from the episode Gloria gets jealous when her visiting mother and Claire spend the day getting along baking. She gets in an argument with Claire and her mother tries to top it. "Girls, girls I don't have a favorite." Gloria screams; "WHY THE HELL NOT?!"
Phil and baby Joe's nanny Andy using a green screen set up at Phil's house to recreate the movie Gravity:
Andy: Don't let gooo! Phil: I won't George Clooney! You're too handsome! Watch out for incoming space junk! Andy: From wheeere? Phil: You're zipper's dooown!" Andy: Oh is it?(zips up fly)
Any scene with Stephen Merchant as the very open-minded Vegas hotel bellhop.
In "Australia", Claire spends the entire episode calling her bid to get a dealer to work with her and Jay's company her "baby". Near the end of the episode, a Dingo sneaks by and grabs the laptop with the bid on it, making the audience guess what she's about to say. Instead...
Pepper on an alternate wedding venue when a wildfire threatens the first one:
"Its top selling point is that IT'S NOT ABOUT TO BECOME A KILN!"
Here is the clip advertising Modern Family that was shown at the Emmys. While its not canon and breaks the fourth wall, it still hits the characterization and tone of the series perfectly. And its hilarious.
Cam and Mitchell accidentally locking Lily in the car.
OnStar Operator: Sir, please tell your wife to calm down. Everything will be okay.
Mitchell: That's a man.
OnStar Operator: Really?
Luke and Dunphy Towers. "There's no fire escapes, they cut corners! I'll cut your corners!"
Mitchell asking Lily if she wanted a princess hat, then spraying shaving cream all over her head.
Gloria buys a helicopter for a boy who's house burned down.
Luke: Is that one of those helicopters with the camera that you can control with your phone?!
Manny: Isn't that the one I asked for?
Gloria: Well when your house burn down you can have one. (beat) Don't burn your house down.
Gloria ordering a box of baby cheeses for Jay.
Jay: What did you said you ordered?
Gloria: I told you! A box of baby cheeses!
Jay: (Pulls out a figurine of Baby Jesus from the box)
Manny tries to invoke All Girls Want Bad Boys by driving Cameron's car past a girl he likes. Then he comes to a dead end, and since he doesn't know how to turn the car around, he has to sheepishly drive it backwards past her again.
Gloria: "There are blind models? That's so sad! They can not see how pretty they are!"
Jay argues with a neighbor whose dog keeps crapping in his yard. The guy says he never complained about Jay's parrot. Cue a montage showing Gloria shouting "Jay!".
Starving Mitch crying about Snorkles the sea lion.
Mitch: I don't know sports. I'm a fan of musical theater.