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- The pilot has the sequence with the BB gun.
- Phil's introduction scene where he presents himself as the "Cool Dad".
Phil: I'm the cool dad, that's my thing. I'm "heap", I surf the web, I text. "LOL", Laugh Out Loud, "OMG", Oh My God, "WTF", Why The Face. Uhm, you know. I know all the dances to High School Musical.(Gilligan Cut to Phil dancing and singing "We're All in This Together" for his embarrased kids)Phil: (singing) We're all in this together. Yes we are were all stars something something you know it
- Cameron introducing Lily to the family, a la The Lion King with 'The Circle of Life' blasting (right after Mitchell has argud with his father's referring to Cam as "overdramatic").
- Mitchell and Cam accidentally lock Lily inside the car with the keys in there with her. Hilarity Ensues.
Mitchell: Did we just lock our baby in the car?Cam: Did you put the keys in the bag?Mitchell: I put the keys in the bag.Cam: Oh, Mitchell, I told you NOT TO PUT THE KEYS IN THE BAG!Mitchell: Don't freak out! Come on, don't freak out!Cam: Lily, it's okay!Mitchell: [starts singing] A—B—C—D...Cam: What are you, singing to her?! PEOPLE GET ARRESTED FOR THIS, MITCHELL!Mitchell: [continuing] H—I—J—K—L—M—N—O—P.Cam: DO ALL FOUR DOORS LOCK?!Mitchell: Do you have your phone?
After some time passesCam: [holding a trash can over his head and running toward the car] I'M BREAKING THE WINDOW!Onstar woman: Emergency assistance. This is Trina.Mitchell: We locked our baby in the car, and people are judging us!Cam: [shrieking] I SWEAR TO GOD, I'M GONNA BREAK IT!Mitchell: [turns to Cam] Do NOT break the window! You'll get glass on her!Onstar woman: Sir, please tell your wife to relax. Everything is going to be okay.Mitchell: That's a man.Onstar woman: [incredulous] Really?
- Dylan's song at the end of "The Incident."
- Phil attempting to be "cool" while talking to Haley in the same episode.
- "What's Jagermeister?"
- "You know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castleó-you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation."
- Mitchell's first time at Costco. "What IS this place!?" accompanied by a look of epiphany.
"I'm like Costco. I'm big, I ain't fancy, and I dare you not to love me."
- Several in "Hawaii", including Manny and Luke's rooming together, and the whole "Lily in the elevator" segment.
- The latter being followed by "Don't worry, I used to lose Manny all the time."
- Luke: I had bread, I had cheese, and I had an iron. What was I supposed to do?
- The whole intercutting of the ADHD discussion between Alex and Claire and Phil's actions in the garage.
- Phil and Luke coming up with absolutely ridiculous ideas for what the "collection" in their basement supposedly is, and their later, similar conversation about what may be in a box in their attic. Their funniest guesses include gold and the Declaration of Independence.
- The end of "Not In My House", with Jay and Barkley the dog butler. The entire episode seems to be a set-up for that one joke, but it is COMPLETELY worth the effort. "It's a dog and a butler!"
- Cam turning to Mitchell and saying, "Wow. You just made figure skating sound even gayer." From a straight character, it'd be perhaps a little off-color. Coming from Cam who has N-Word Privileges, it works.
- Jay spraying Manny in the face with water to stop him creeping on Haley.
- Kobe Bryant's cameo in "Family Portrait"
(Phil, Gloria, Alex, and Manny are watching Kobe warm up in the hallway, with Phil calling out Kobe's name.)
Kobe: Hey, what can I do for you?
Phil: Do you like being a basketball player?
Kobe: [incredulous] You serious?
Phil: I choked! I didn't think you'd look up at me!
Kobe: A little preparation next time. [points to head] It's a mental game.
Phil: Duly noted.
- From the Valentine's Day episode:
Jay: Honey, you can't turn Valentine's Day into some silly competition. It defeats the whole point.Gloria: Shaddap, I win.
- "Yesterday's lazy cures today's crazy." And pretty much the rest of that subplot.
"I'm trapped in the men's room and all I have on is a Spider-man costume!" "Hot! Who is this?"
- "Halloween" Gloria angrily speaking in a bad American accent after Jay makes fun of being hard to understand. Especially funny when she participates in Claire's haunted house "Welcome to your nightmare! Ha Ha Ha Ha!"
- After Claire tells her dad to make sure he doesn't forget the fog cue: "This whole thing is a colossal fog cue".
- Phil and Claire's kids walking in on them while they were having sex... in the "doggy-style" position.
Luke: Whatever they were doing, I think dad was winning.(Haley looks horrified)
- Even funnier is Luke's reaction:
Gloria: Ay... ay, why the whoosh?! What is - where is the email - it sended! *taps Jay's hand* Ay, make it come back!
- From the same episode, Gloria accidentally sending an angry email to Claire before she can edit it to be a little nicer.
Gloria: *staring at the screen in horror* ...IT SENDED! *desperately* Please come back!
- Shortly after:
- From "The Musical Man", there's the sequence at the end of the school play:
WE LOVE THE F WORD
"I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes."
- Also, the harness jamming and Luke becoming stuck in mid-air.
- Phil's real estate ad on the car, which makes Claire and Haley look like prostitutes.
Gloria:More toast, Manny?Manny:Why won't you call me, Emma?Gloria:'More toast, Emma?
- Also this exchange from "The Musical Man"
- In the "Mother's Day" episode, Luke talking about coyotes attacking them on their hike, and he'll protect them with a popsicle stick he sharpened that smells like lemon-lime, because that's a flavor coyotes hate.
(the Dunphy kids are sitting on a rock waiting for their mom)Luke: Did you know more people have died hiking than in the entire Civil War?Alex: Okay, what book did you get this information from?Luke: Book? Wake up and smell the internet, grandma.
- From "See You Next Fall":
Haley: You'll be a social piranha!Alex: Yes, I will be an Amazonian carnivorous fish!
- From "Someone to Watch Over Lily":
Luke: Dad, I'm going to teach myself how to juggle.Phil: (as he attempts to put out a kitchen fire) Good for you, buddy.
- "Manny Get Your Gun":
Jay: I just wanted you to be a bit more organized, you can be a little scatterbrained sometimes.Gloria: You're the one whose brains are going to be scattered! Manny, hand me the gun!
- Gloria keeping and using Manny's bb gun.
Cameron: You cheated on me.Mitchell: How did I cheat on you?Cameron: You cheated on me with choreography. And that is the worst kind.Mitchell: How is that the worst...Cameron: You danced without me, Mitchell!
- Mitchell participating in a flash mob (it was for Cameron), and Cameron's reaction to it.
- Luke and Dunphy Towers. "There's no fire escapes, they cut corners! I'll cut your corners!"
- Everything about Mitch and Cam's interview at Billingsley.
Mitchell: What if I was a single dad?
- "Lesbians! In a wheelchair!"
- In an attempt to rival with interracial lesbians, one of which in a wheelchair, who adopted an African baby, Cameron tries to pass as part-cherokee. It being Cameron, his improvisation is over-the-top and extremely stereotypical. When Mitchell finally gets to put a word in, he manages to wrap his current embarassement with Cameron and his desire to get Lily in a good school in a neat little package:
- Gloria asks Luke to teach her to ride a bike. His idea of a bike lesson is to blast her with a super-soaker until she tries to escape on the bike.
- He later does the same thing to Haley to help her study.
Phil: I don't always make good decisions under pressure.(flashback)Claire: What the hell is that?Phil: It's an alpaca. I got the last one.
- Claire trying to have a serious conversation with her daughters, as the sounds of Phil falling off a tightrope keep interrupting.
- The traffic video Phil and Luke made.
- And Phil getting hit on the face with a basketball right after the vid.
- From Lifetime supply:
Mitchell: I was so glad I talked to Alex, because she agreed with every thing I was feeling...which made me realize that I was acting like a fourteen year old girl.
- Lily is aged to being able to talk, and the first thing we hear her talk about at any length is wanting to kill her prospective new brother.
- From "Express Christmas
Claire: Oh, thank God, here comes Phil with the butterball!Manny: I have a name!
- For the record, she was referring to a turkey.
- Phil's Stupid Statement Dance Mix about how much he loves sleeping with his wife. "Some sick bastard autotuned me."
- Phil freaking out that Claire, Alex and Haley are all PM Sing on the same day.
"You all ganged up on me like when the Wolfman, Frankenstein, & Dracula show up in the same movie, except it wasn't awesome!"
- The Little Fizbo bit in the episode "Send Out the Clowns". Be prepared to not breath for a bit, it's that gut-bustingly funny.
- Cam's zombie-like interview after having to stay up all night consoling Lily on losing one of her toys.
- From the Disneyland episode, the whole "Lily on a leash" arc—first Lily barking, then Jay ordering her to heel, then Lily getting tangled up with another leash kid (named Rex!), then Lily running after Chip and Dale (Cam: "And now she's chasing squirrels."
- Also from Disneyland: Dylan's time in costume as Little John.
- The whole family arguing through clenched smiles while imitating a Norman Rockwell painting.
- Mitchell, Cam go to the hospital where the baby they want to adopt is being born and witness a Real Life "Telenovela"(Spanish Soap Opera) with Gloria translating for them what's going on. Turns into a Tear Jerker when it ends with them not getting the baby.
- "SNORKELS!! WHERE ARE YOU SNORKELS?!" screamed by Mitchell whilst running fully clothed into the ocean.
- Mitch and Cam realizing they've tied two giant stuffed animals to their car in an unfortunately sexual looking position, and then being unable to find a less problematic setup.
- Gloria reveals to Claire that she's pregnant, and the first thing Claire says? "You're gonna get fat!"
- Followed with her desperately asking Jay exactly how much weight Gloria has gained.
- Claire finds out Gloria is pregnant before Jay does and remembers instances of Jay having a bad initial reaction to big news. She tries to avoid this with Gloria's pregnancy announcement by telling Jay that someone is going to tell him something big soon and to please be supportive of that person. Within thirty seconds, Cameron and Mitchell show up and Mitchell tells Jay about their decision to get a cat.
- Phil and Claire destroying Haley's college roommate's first impression of her by Phil mistaking her for Claire and grabbing her butt, Claire apparently ordering My Little Pony sheets for Haley's bed, and Phil spilling the condoms Claire bought her all over the floor.
- When the parents of a boy who bullied Lily turn out to be a lesbian couple, Mitch and Cam simultaneously mutter "Lesbians" in a tone worthy of "Hello, Newman."
- The Venn Diagram explaining how gay men and lesbians have nothing in common.
- The rest of the episode features a lot of Cam and Pam, one of the lesbians, making constant homophobic snipings at each other.
- The ending to "Schooled" features members of the cast reading selections from the "Phil'sosophy" (a bound collection of sayings by Phil he created as a gift for Haley), then looking up in utter bafflement as to what they just read
Claire: "Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed." (glares at Phil)
- Some quotes:
Alex: "Older black ladies make the best iced tea."
Jay: "Genius is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail."
Gloria: "You can tell a lot about a person by from his biography."
Luke: "Watch a sunrise at least once a day."
Manny: "If you love something set it free. Unless it's a tiger."
Mitch: "If you're ever in a jam, a crayon scrunched up under your nose makes a good pretend mustache."
Phil: "When life give you lemonade. Make lemons. Life will be all like 'Whaaat?"
- The ending of "Snip" where the family shares embarrassing photos of each other, especially Jay's pic of Phil.
- Cam singing on his keyboard in the middle of the night and Lily coming out and unplugging it looking extremely un-amused.
- Phil being trapped under a motorcycle in the LA hills and recording his plight a la 127 Hours.
- The discovery of Gloria's old dummy "Uncle Grumpy" that she used for a ventriloquist act in beauty pageant. She still won despite freezing onstage doing the routine ("Imagine this at 18!") but she was humiliated and vowed never to perform again but Luke convinces her to do it for the family. ("I know how to push buttons to get what I want. And what I want is a puppet show.") Gloria is a pretty terrible ventriloquist with her mouth clearly moving when "Uncle Grumpy" talks but it's the jokes are funny in a corny way and it's still charming. Then Jay comes out dressed in the same color clothes as Grumpy and complaining about something Claire realizes "Oh my god, she married her puppet!"
- While trick-or-treating, Manny is tempted to go with Durkas, the school cool kid. Luke tries to push him into it, while his other friend Reuben argues the opposite. The dialogue in the scene comes off as a bit contrived until you realize that Luke's dressed as Satan and Reuben's an Angels player.
- The whole subplot with Phil being Mistaken for Gay by Matthew Broderick, who just broke up with his partner. Finally he kisses Phil as he leaves, and Phil just stands there confused for several seconds before a Late to the Punchline moment as he goes up the stairs. "Ohhhhhhh."
- Cam, dressed as a cat, getting stuck in a tree.
- Jay explaining Gloria's "pregnancy brain":
Jay: The other day, I found a bar of soap in the kitchen and a stick of butter in the shower. I smelled like a bucket of popcorn the whole day.Manny: Better than the toast I ate.Jay: Yet you ate the second piece.
- Jay, a little drunk, telling the other dads at the birthday party a story about Phil:
Jay: What's that movie with the boombox?Jerry: Say Anything....Jay: Right, with John Mahoney...
- Cam reading the newspaper seeing his "bizarre protest" making the front page...then he turns to the back.
Cam: "This production of Cats should be put to sleep?"Mitch: Don't read that!
- Phil and Mitchell's text fight concerning who will take the blame for being the wet blanket on Cam and Claire's house flipping plan, the entirety of which Cam and Claire can see because the fight's in a group text.
- Lily on her New Years Eve sleep over with Haley and Alex.
Lily: Who's watching me?Cam: Haley.Lily: No really.Mitch: Alex.Lily: Okay, let's go.
Lily: I'm cold and I saw a coyote.
- And then neither Haley nor Alex are watching her because Manny and Luke have girls over. Cue a knock at the door, revealing Lily standing outside.
- The family attempting to figure out how they're all related to Gloria's new baby.
Luke: So he's our uncle?Alex: Half-uncle, not full uncle.Haley: What's a fulunkle?
- Manny and his date sharing a kiss, then the lights go on to reveal the rest of the family there for the surprise party, only she realizes it before Manny does.
- Lily continually getting accidentally injured by Cam throughout the episode, from getting an eyepatch and neck brace and then pushed into the pool.
Cam: (at Manny's birthday party) Sweetie I brought you a cookie!Lily: I ate at the emergency room.
Mitchell: Cam!Cam: Please do not blame me. We always knew there would be a strong possibility she'd be a terrible driver!
- Lily getting hurt when she rammed her toy car into the wall while Cam and Mitchell arguing:
- Gloria's sister Sonia screaming "You stole my life!" at her in church when she learns that she might have wound up marrying Jay if she hadn't gone to the bathroom at the wrong moment.
- The very next scene is one long CMoF. The best part of which being Gloria's sister threatening that Gloria might take a walk in her closet one day and never come back, with wide, unblinking eyes.
- And now to submit Dylan's T-shirt in "A Slight at the Opera," the one with a lion saying, "Moo! I'm a horse!"
- Jay's reason why Gloria's mom shouldn't pick the baby boy's name:
Fulgencio Umberto. The initials spell F.U. Pritchett.
- Lily's exchange with Sal about her wedding in "Best Men."
Sal: Sorry that you couldn't come. There were no kids.Lily: That's okay, I'll come to your next one.Sal: Wooooow.Mitchell: That's okay! She just means when she's not a kid anymore.Lily: She knows what I mean.Sal: (whispering) I don't like you.Lily: (whispering) I'll get over it.Sal slaps down the toy mirror Lily is holdingLily gives a kid version of a FU face
- The climax of "The Wow Factor", right after the Crowning Moment of Awesome when Cam turns "The Dancing Waters" on, when they realize the water intakes are sucking in the goldfish he added to the two neighboring pools.
- The entire scene at the Vietnamese restaurant in "The Future Dunphys", with Lily being less than enthusiastic about the food and her birth country, Mitchell trying to explain to her how just because her fathers are gay doesn't mean she is and in the process saying "you're not gay; you're just confused" then suddenly catching himself, and finally Cam, trying to reaffirm the value of connection to one's native culture, loudly saying "Everyone should go back to where they came from!"
Mitchell: Lily, you're not gay, you're just confused. *Cue lesbian couple walking by and glaring at him*Gloria: (Lamenting about how Manny forgot his Spanish and Joe may not learn any) My children are going to become boring old white people! *Cue old white couple walking past and looking at her*Cam: (Reassuring them) Most of our friends are white. *Cue black couple walking past and glaring at Cam*
- Moreso, the way everything they say seems to come at exactly the wrong moment. Paraphrased:
- Javier's lady has a Freak Out after he proposed to her so she accidentally runs into Manny's room.
"I thought this was the bathroom. It smelled like potpourri."
- Jay and Gloria find out that Cam and Mitch had a game night without them with their friends, Pepper among them.
Jay: (looking devastated) But Pepper loves me...
Gloria: No questions!
- In the same episode, Jay, Gloria and Manny need to get into the Dunphy and Tucker-Pritchett family houses. Both times, the camera pans away, pans back, and then Gloria opens the door... from the inside.
- Lily gets skeptical about a letter from the Tooth Fairy.
"Let me see that... (Takes letter) I can't read."
- The entire scene where, in desperation to get the hundred dollar bill back, Cam and Mitchell recruit Haley to be the Tooth Fairy.
Haley: Do you guys mind if I borrow this costume?Mitch: What for?Haley: I'd rather not say.
- The entire scene where, in desperation to get the hundred dollar bill back, Cam and Mitchell recruit Haley to be the Tooth Fairy.
- After Manny leaves on a plane to Colombia for the summer.
Lily: What if he never comes back?Jay: Don't worry, people always come back home.Lily: I didn't.
- Cameron showing up to the AP US History class he's been assigned to sub in dressed as George Washington, while improvising his lecture (he knows very little about the subject) and constantly being corrected by Alex to the point that she finally winds up teaching the class.
- Phil and Gloria being distracting Large Hams as background extras in a commercial.
- Mitch and Cam in "Larry's Wife".
Mitch: Hello my fiance.Cam: Good morning my intended.Mitch: That makes it sound like you're gonna murder me.Cam: [creepy monotone] You are my intended.
- In the same episode, Gloria and Jay talk about Gloria's family curses:
Jay: You do realize how many of your family stories end with someone getting carried off by a giant bird?Gloria: I only know what I've been told.Jay: I'm just saying after the third or so time, you might want to think about moving the party inside.
- In the same episode, Gloria and Jay talk about Gloria's family curses:
- In their front yard, Mitch and Cam finally confront each other about the fact that they ought to be planning their wedding together rather than having Cam make the arrangements by himself. Just as they've admitted the need for Mitch to help reign in Cam's tendency to let things get crazy out of control, this happens - It Makes Sense in Context to the viewer, but bear in mind that from Mitchell's point of view it comes out of nowhere:
A bagpiper, in full kilt and regalia, bursts out of the front door.Bagpiper: I cannot be in a house with snakes!
- Everyone's Oblivious Guilt Slinging after Phil destroys a bird's nest in his gutter.
Jay: It makes me feel like Ann Margaret in Bye Bye Birdie.Phil: WHY????
- Luke, lying in wait in "The Late Show" for the shifty pizza delivery men Claire had been concerned about, paintballing her and ruining her blouse when she and Phil return to the house unannounced.
Cam: Did you girls see anything?
- Mitch and Cam pick the same outfits and start fighting over who gets to wear it. Then they try and get Lily and Alex to pick which one wore it best. Then, Cam opens a soda he got from Mitch and gets sprayed all over, and thinks Mitch shook it so he wouldn't have to change.
Lily: [hands Alex a crayon] Just pretend you're coloring.
[Alex wordlessly takes crayon and begins scribbling on the inside cover of her copy of Little Women.]
- And later in the episode, Mitch turns out to have worn the same outfit as Claire.
- Phil's reaction to his recently widowed dad bringing home a middle aged prostitute the night before.
- Jay's fair cop partner getting his new shirt messy, while a nearby saxophone player makes the scene feel like a Lethal Weapon movie where one of them just got shot.
- Joe flying a model airplane into Phil's face as he's celebrating the repair of the Apollo 13 model.
- "Under Pressure" has a sub-plot where Mitchell meets his new neighbour Asher, who criticises his decision to leave the air-conditioner on when it isn't even hot outside. This descends into an environmentalist debate. You'd initially believe that Asher's hypocrisy would be revealed at some point, but it turns out he's the greenest man on the planet. Finally Lily chimes in and tells Asher that his drought-friendly garden looks like kitty-litter, which manages to get under his skin.
- Mitch arrives with some wrapped gifts that Cam suddenly wants to donate to underprivileged kids. Only these aren't gifts for kids, but for Pepper's party Cam and Mitch were going to attend. "No presents please" means something else when Pepper says it. "No presents? Please!"
Random Kid #1: His and his shower clogs?Random Kid #2: What's a Himalayan salt plate?Cam: You can season your food while you serve it.Random Kid #3: Body fat scale?Cam: I wish I had one of those when I was your age. You're welcome.Random Kid #4: Who's Robert Mapplethorpe?Mitch: Actually, I'm gonna need that one back.
- Also from the episode Gloria gets jealous when her visiting mother and Claire spend the day getting along baking. She gets in an argument with Claire and her mother tries to top it. "Girls, girls I don't have a favorite." Gloria screams; "WHY THE HELL NOT?!"
- Phil and baby Joe's nanny Andy using a green screen set up at Phil's house to recreate the movie Gravity:
Andy: Don't let gooo!
Phil: I won't George Clooney! You're too handsome! Watch out for incoming space junk!
Andy: From wheeere?
Phil: You're zipper's dooown!"
Andy: Oh is it? (zips up fly)
- Any scene with Stephen Merchant as the very open-minded Vegas hotel bellhop.
- In "Australia", Claire spends the entire episode calling her bid to get a dealer to work with her and Jay's company her "baby". Near the end of the episode, a Dingo sneaks by and grabs the laptop with the bid on it, making the audience guess what she's about to say. Instead...
Claire: Phil! Phil! A dog just stole my laptop!
Alex: Seems like a missed opportunity.
- Luke and Manny hanging out at Bondi Beach. Luke goes swimming and loses his shorts, so a topless woman offers to help him find them. She puts on a pair of goggles to protect her eyes and-did we mention that she was topless?
- Pepper on an alternate wedding venue when a wildfire threatens the first one:
"Its top selling point is that IT'S NOT ABOUT TO BECOME A KILN!"
- As everyone is leaving that venue, they learn that they've been given school buses to transport all the guests. Mitchel is not amused, which Cam deals with very efficiently.
Pepper: Come on, dear, how often do your fathers get married?
- After the ceremony gets interrupted several times, Pepper tries to get Lily back into the mood:
Lily: So far, one... two...
Lily: It's like they never left.
- Luke and Manny's subplot in the second part of the episode. Phil, who turned out to be an Internet-ordained priest earlier in the episode, ends up explaining the procedure to them while they're standing side by side under the wedding arch. Both of them answer "I do" to one of his questions and he ends his explanation sounding like he's telling them they are now married. After that, they are seen together acting like a married couple a few times. Finally, in The Stinger, Lily is staying with the Dunphys while her fathers are on their honeymoon and Alex asks her if she misses them. Meanwhile, Luke and Manny are having a domestic dispute of sorts.
- Mitch and Cam try to have a dinner without discussing wedding planning or Lily. They find that they cannot find anything to talk about, and their evening continues to get make awkward as their dinner progresses.
- When Claire is trying to appear to be the perfect neighbors, she orders the kids to begin appearing to garden. Luke is told to grab a hoe, and he hugs Haley.
- Phil trying to teach Marco Polo to a Nigerian family.
- The Dunphy's time at the hotel turning into a camping experience, with the family being so cramped inside.
- "We're a family of fire starters, poison eaters, and online prostitutes!"
- Alex becoming "a living Roomba" after foregoing sleep for days before a big test.
- Phil buying another alpaca.
- The ending of "Connection Lost" has Claire attempt a laggy connection in Facetime, but fails as the background is moving just fine.
- Claire has a favourites tab on her computer marked "porn". It's a pinterest board called "Organizational Porn", and consists solely of well-designed closests and shelving units.
- Dylan makes a remark about feeling that he and Haley share the same brain. Alex ask which of the two currently has it.
- While getting Cameron his popcorn, Claire has a random middle-aged lady watch her computer. While two Facetime windows are open: one with Jay, one with Cameron and Mitchell, while the latter is showing off his new hat. After having what seems to be a "what the hell?" moment, she chimes in and tells Mitchell she likes his new hat.
- Haley Bailey
- This exchange when Jay is trying to potty train Joe:
Jay: I raised two fully functional children.
Gloria: You have two kids I don't know about?
- Haley messing with Claire by telling her that she and Andy have been spending their frequent meetings having stress-relief sex, then telling the camera she and Andy have just been working on something together (it later turns out that they were practicing for job interviews). Then Andy comes in and says he "wants to try some stuff he found online"...
Haley : Who says Kay?! You're so stupid!!
- Haley's breakdown in the car in the tag scene.
- Phil's attempt with the grill he buys Jay for his birthday.
Phil : WHY IS THIS EVEN A SETTING?!
- Phil going viral again!
- The family's Thanksgiving in "Three Turkeys." In short, Phil's attempt at cooking Thanksgiving dinner goes south due to a power outrage; Claire's 'back-up turkey' get discovered by Cam; and Jay and Gloria's small turkey gets mistaken for Phil's, prompting Phil to freak-out over the size of the turkey. All in all, it culminates in three turkeys present, and a massive amount of craziness amongst the family.
- "You have the face of a cartoon lamb!"
- Lily explaining to Luke, Alex, and Manny where babies come from at the end of "Haley's 21st Birthday".
Lily: You just put eggs and tadpoles in a glass and the woman has to drink it. Then, the woman and man kiss and jump on their bed. After a year, she pees and their baby comes out.Luke: Wow!Manny: Okay, then.Alex: Oh, my GOD!!
- One of the first scenes, when Haley discovers that Andy loves her, and is going to propose to Beth on a beach, so she needs to go stop him.
Haley: ...I know what beach he likes.
Luke: I thought you were the beach he likes.
[high-fives Lily without even looking]
- Andy and Haley repeatedly overhearing Claire and Phil talking about the Andy/Haley situation.
Phil: We have got to start talking in the garage.
- Andy's freaked-out laughter and scoffing down a cupcake upon hearing that Haley tried to stop his proposal.
- When Andy comes back after a couple months away planning his wedding, he's gotten really fat.
Phil: Lots of people gain weight when they're engaged. You did.
Claire: I was pregnant.
Phil: I am trying here!
- Mitchell is hired for a job by Jay's rival, and Jay is extremely ticked off about it. When Mitchell goes to meet him, he acts decent, and even takes a picture with Mitchell. Mitchell later starts telling Jay off for not burying the hatchet with— cue a truck pulling up with said picture and the caption: "Jay Pritcheet— Even your son hates you".
Jay: (With the smuggest grin ever) You were saying?Mitchell: Nothing.
- When Haley, Dylan, Andy and Beth awkwardly bump into each other at the movies, they watch the movie together. The movie's plot mirrors Haley and Andy's situation, with Haley appropriately acting uncomfortable. She looks across to Andy... who's nonchantly eating his popcorn playfully.
- Haley telling the Confession Cam about how she snuck into one of her dad's houses for a party, but accidentally left her watch next to the hot tub.
Haley: I'm usually super careful not to leave any trace I was there, but this tub has sixteen pulsating jets and the entire floor vibrates with something called 'Swedish Release.' It took me twenty minutes to find my car in the driveway.
- Haley and Andy in Phil's house, with music playing, lights on, and the couch turning into a bed.
- The opposite happening for Mitch and Cam, with the radio playing un-sexy noises and Mitch's unsuccessful attempt in appearing sexy.
- Mitch and Cam have a few hours spare, and they proceed to spend their time.... flipping Lily's mattress.
Mitch: So other than Lily, we have no real reason to be alive.
- Magic Mitch
- Mitch and Cam's numerous attempts to sing 'Silent Night' at Christmas, only to be eventually upstaged by Alex.
- "What are you guys doing? Having a staring contest? I call winners."
- "She's a stone-cold 10 and you're a Utah 7!"
- When Lily gets nervous whenever a young boy and her father come over, Cam sees she has her first crush and is overjoyed. He tells Lily how it's perfectly okay, gives her tips on winning the boy over and beaming with pride...only to realize it's the boy's father that Lily is crushing on.
- Mitch, Cam and Lily's reaction upon hearing that ASHLEY W is coming to Lily's party
- Pepper's anguish over being reduced to low budget quickie weddings. "If you ever had feelings for me, you'll push me out a window!"
- Phil comes home to find the house blacked out because he forgot the pay the electric bill as Haley was doing her hair and Alex doing three weeks worth of laundry. The lights come back on and Haley laughs at the shirt Alex is wearing but Alex responds by grabbing a silver plate and holding it up so Haley can gasp in horror at the reflection of her messed-up hair.
- Lily reveals she's been RSV Ping "no" to weddings for Mitchell and Cam because she can't stand how they dance. When they ask her why, we get a cut to her in the Confessional Cam saying "WHY?!" We then briefly see the two dancing at another wedding and it's no surprise why all the kids at Lily's table are laughing.
Lily: Punish me, ground me, I just can't watch it again.Cam: We always knew there was something you wouldn't like about us.Mitchell: We're just glad it's something we're so good at.
- They go about dancing as Lily tells an Asian family "if anyone asks, I'm with you."
- Phil and Mitchell struggling to hide that they're stoned. "There's two ways we can play this..."
- Bonus for Mitchell randomly eating a bag of chips as the conversation takes place.
- Also, Phil continually wearing the weird mask on his head the entire time.
- The fact that no one realizes that they're high until Jay casually points it out. Cue Oh Crap!.
- "Do I call her cupcake?"
- Phil is freaking out when it seems Luke is sneaking girls into his bedroom. Alex replies that all the kids did it at his age...then goes into Oh Crap! mode upon realizing she just revealed she's not a virgin either and slowly backs away.
- And it isn't the first time that Alex accidentally revealed one of the kids lost their virginity, either. Haley's aversion, anyone?
- Phil mistaking every obvious clue of Luke having a girlfriend just for him training hard.
- Jay and Manny engaging in a hysterical talk on how "double-clicking" is not the same as "clicking twice."
- It's bad enough for Alex to come home for the summer to find out no one saw her messages (and the monster drawing on the calendar) about it. It's another to constantly hear the family talk about her "dropping in without notice" constantly.
- Mitchell's antics in general. First the pigeon thing, then the Princess Castle thing, then the Spider-Man thing...
- Cam fighting with Barry (James Marsden) in Lily's pink backyard castle in the he finds out he's been living in there and not the upstairs apartment.
- Luke's method of teaching Gloria how to ride a bike.
- And then applying that method to Haley's studying. "Teacher of the year" indeed.
- Same episode as above, Luke's lack of faith in the police.
Luke: (to Claire) You call the cops, I'll order a pizza. Let's see who arrives first.
- Phil and Claire walking straight into a clearly labeled non-exit door after calling each other "Doctor" and "Professor."
- Catching Jay singing karaoke, Manny pulls the plug on the machine and waves it threateningly at him.
Manny: Keep this up, and this won't be the last plug I pull on you.
- Even funnier is how he reacts to Jay's lack of action earlier in the episode.
- Even funnier is how he reacts to Jay's lack of action earlier in the episode.
- This little clip from when the family is talking about The Blind Side:
Alex: Offensive line.Phil: Sorry. African American kid.
- Cam "sleep-clowning."
- Mitchell asking Lily if she wanted a princess hat, then spraying shaving cream all over her head.
- Gloria buys a helicopter for a boy whose house burned down.
Luke: Is that one of those helicopters with the camera that you can control with your phone?!Manny: Isn't that the one I asked for?Gloria: Well when your house burns down you can have one. (beat) Don't burn your house down.
- Gloria ordering a box of baby cheeses for Jay.
Jay: What did you said you ordered?Gloria: I told you! A box of baby cheeses!Jay: (Pulls out a figurine of Baby Jesus from the box)
- Betty Luke.
- Manny tries to invoke All Girls Want Bad Boys by driving Cameron's car past a girl he likes. Then he comes to a dead end, and since he doesn't know how to turn the car around, he has to sheepishly drive it backwards past her again.
- Gloria: "There are blind models? That's so sad! They can not see how pretty they are!"
- Jay argues with a neighbor whose dog keeps crapping in his yard. The guy says he never complained about Jay's parrot. Cue a montage showing Gloria shouting "Jay!".
- Starving Mitch crying about Snorkles the sea lion.
Mitch: I don't know sports. I'm a fan of musical theater.Cam: Surprise!
- "You know *gasp* who else needed air? SNORKLES!!!!" The way he suddenly screams it, spit flying out of his mouth and his face red, is fantastic.
- Does Gloria really have all the answers?
Jay: He says my presentation needs more "wow".Gloria: What does this mean, "wow"?Manny: It's the Bieberization of America.Jay: What's Bieberization?Gloria: It's the beavers building all the dams and blocking the rivers. It's the beaverization of the Americas.Manny: I find we have less and less things to talk about.
- Gloria cannot seem to ever remember the word "helicopter" in English. Instead, she refers to them using onomatopoeia: "The takatakatakataka."