From that same episode, in the "Scenes We'd Like to See" segment, under the category of "Unlikely Things for a TV Announcers to Say", Hugh tosses out the line "For those of you interested, I'd like you to know I'm completely naked and playing with myself." The funny comes in when the credits roll and the female announcer adds, after talking about the shows coming up next, "...and by the way, I'm not naked."
From the second DVD, the panelists are asked not to make jokes about David Blunkett's blindness. So what do they do?...Yeah.
What can get missed but is still quite funny: After the first round of jokes, Dara exasperatedly says, "It's like I'm in charge of a special school." Adam Hills, that Australian comedian guy with the artificial foot, jokingly takes offence. Dara then corrects himself, saying, "Not physical stuff."
Series 9 episode 5, where Dara introduces a story about how research has shown that people with large heads may be less affected by Alzheimer's disease. Specifically, an article he showed the panel that had referred to him as an example of someone with a 'giant head', even including a picture of his head with the caption 'EXTRA LARGE'. The panel proceeds to spend five minutes mocking Dara's big head non-stop. Poor Genre Blind Dara.
The outtakes show the panel mocking him further with such lines as "Oh, Dara, is it you, or an eclipse?" Until finally Russell shouts out "FUCK, YOUR HEAD'S BIG!"
[Talking about Linda Blair from The Exorcist] "Her head's spinning round, she's vomiting everywhere, she's seemingly possessed by the devil, and yet Social Services have been around twenty times, and say that there's nothing wrong!"
The entire Blunkett discussion from the second DVD.
From "Unlikely Lines to Read in the Bible."
Samson: Oh Lord, why have you supplied me with all of the strength within my hair?
God: Because you're worth it.
"We have three priorities: education, education and free handjobs for the blind!"
Series 8. Scenes We'd Like To See. Topic was "Things You'd Never Hear On A TV Election Debate".
Dara pondering what the computer who randomly selected the 2012 Olympic tickets would sound like:
Dara: The poor computer who picked these things randomly! There's some computer who's going "Computer didn't want to make people sad! Computer picked tickets randomly! Computer like all sports! Computer sorry he made people unhappy! No, computer not like diving! Diving bad for computer! Diving make computer not work! Why computer talk like Hulk?"
Whenever the topic in "Scenes We'd Like To See" involves rejected exam questions, you know there's got to be at least one good question. Examples:
Andy Parsons: If sign 'a' over 'a' equals sign 'b' over 'b', what are the chances you're ever going to use this in your sodding adult life?
Hugh Dennis: Amy is 16. At least she said she was. How much trouble are you in?
Ed Byrne: Biology: Without singing, what is the knee bone connected to?
Frankie Boyle: Tick the box A, B, or C to recieve the grade A, B, or C.
Russell Howard: Wayne lives 3 miles away from Kaylie and Martin lives 6 miles away from Wayne. Who got her pregnant?
Ed Byrne: Chemistry: What's that smell?
Frankie Boyle: There are six lines of equal length. How long will Kerry Katona be in the bathroom?
Andy Parsons: Your mum's a slag. Discuss.
Hugh Dennis: Two cars are speeding. One is being driven by a black man. Which car will be stopped?
Andy Parsons: English: Is standards declining?
Frankie Boyle: If I add 1⁄ 8 to 1⁄16, how stoned will I be?
Andy Parsons: Using the paper provided, roll up a joint and pass it round.
Holly Walsh: What is amnesia? Is it: A. Memory loss, A. Memory loss or 4. the Battle of Hastings?
Milton Jones: Quantify n in terms of q when q is a positive integer that dissects a parabolic curve— how's your lucky pencil case now, eh, eh, eh?!
Russell Howard: With illustrations, describe the prophet Muhammad.
Holly Walsh: What is amnesia? Is it: A. Memory loss...
Andy Parsons: A lot of people have complained that these exams are too easy. Is the answer A. Yes or B. David Beckham?
Frankie Boyle: Spell "Mississippi" without looking at how we've spelt it in the question.
Russell Howard: What is the name of the force that pulls objects towards the centre of the Earth? Is it a) gravity or b) magic?
Stewart Francis: Without swearing, describe Peter Andre.
Micky Flanagan: What is the name of that round thing they throw at the Olympics? Discuss.
Chris Addison: Mental arithmetic: Count up the voices in your head.
Stewart Francis: Does this look infected?
Frankie Boyle: If everybody in class A is called Tom, Thomas or Tommy, and every second boy in class B is called Tim, Timothy or Timmy, what the fuck is going on?
Hugh Dennis: Using only the English language, <beat> write something!
Stewart Francis: What are Canadians renowned for saying? A.
Andy Parsons adds another: "If Sally buys three oranges and two apples, how far south of Scotland is she?" Frankie immediately walks to the microphone and stares at him for a good five seconds before finally cracking a smile. He then follows up with: "Discuss the idea that Willy Wonka was a pedophile."
Milton Jones:(singing) There is a house in New Orleans- blublublublublublublublub...
In Series 10 Episode 8, one of the categories in Scenes We'd Like To See is "commercials that never made it to air". Eventually it starts a brief Running Gag on "Cash for Gold" agencies, starting with Cash for Cash ("Send us your money in an envelope, and we'll send it back minus commission.") by Miles Jupp, then Andy Parsons takes over with Ash for Cash ("Put your cremated relatives in an envelope...") and Smash for Cash ("Put your mashed potato in an envelope...").
This in a Series 10 Scenes We'd Like To See ("Things You Wouldn't Hear At A School Assembly"):
Hugh Dennis: I'm delighted to say that during the summer holidays, Mr. Wang married Ms. Cur.
This causes wild laughter from the audience, then after it dies down, he adds this:
Hugh Dennis: His nickname will remain the same.
Stewart Francis' skit on Family in Spinning the News.
"Roses are red. Poppies are red. The grass is all red - shit! The garden's on fire!" from the Unlikely Things To Read In A Valentine's Card skit
When Andy Parsons takes a show title literally during Scenes We'd Like To See, such as this example:
"Welcome to 'Watchdog'. Here's a dog."
What the Queen Didn't Say In Her Christmas Message.
Frankie: I've had a few medical problems this year: I'm now so old, that my pussy is haunted.
Significantly funnier when repeated deadpan by a presenter on Newsnight in a piece about declining standards at the BBC.
Unlikely Lines from Children's Books
"The railway children gesticulated wildly at the driver. 'You've left us behind, you wanker!'"
"Ooh, this music's so funky it makes me want to obey the law!"
Several of the Between the Lines segments with Frankie and Hugh. Notable mentions to the Replacement Scrappy example, David Beckham (Hugh staring blankly at the camera) and Prince Charles, and this;
Frankie: (as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad) "The American president is the son of a swine! I hope that one day, his body is identified by the teethmarks on my penis!"
Audience explodes into laughter. Hugh stares at the ground while Frankie presses his lips together to suppress his own laughter. Eventually -
Hugh: "I don't like George Bush."
During the fifth episode of series three when during If the Answer is... the quality control on Dara’s earpiece are apparently worn down to begging the panel to change the topic
Unlikely Things to Get in Your Mail Slot: Andy Parsons makes a joke as follows: "Need a dog-walking service? Call Ace Kebabs, 318-318!" This is swiftly followed with "Need an undertaker?" and, for Rule of Three, "The Taj Mahal Indian Restaurant... formerly..."
The entire discussion about Adam Werritty (starts about three minutes in).
Things you wouldn't want to hear at work: "Get off, you're shit." Bonus points for just how fitting it is.
"And, uh, the French have four faults: their language, their food, underarm hair and the fact that they are French."
"AND IT'S GOLD FOR IRELAND!" Dara wouldn't let Andy do another one after that; whenever Andy tried, Dara just buzzed him.
Unlikely lines to hear in a disaster movie:
Andy Parsons: "Do you not realise, if this contagion spreads the entire X-Factor judging panel could be wiped out?"
Crowd laughs and cheers
Unlikely things to hear on a news programme:
Andy Parsons: "Behind me, a man lies dead. That's what happens if you pull faces in the background when I'm doing a piece to camera."
Ditto, on a science programme:
Milton Jones: "I was the man who discovered DNA. I wasn't going to call it that but I was giving a lecture to the Royal Society and I said 'Gentlemen, I believe I've discovered the genetic fingerprint of all human life ... da-na!'"
Unlikely Things To Hear on Holiday:
Frankie Boyle: You may be wondering why we have so many foreign treasures here at the British Museum. And the answer is simple. Gun beats spear!
Hugh imitating an ill-timed Botox injection.
"This is the Federation of Gay Planets! Open your docking bay and prepare to be boarded!"
Unlikely things to hear over a tannoy:
"Would the parents of the lost child please pick him up from the meeting point? Madonna is trying to buy him."
"Would the man on pump #4 please remove the nozzle from the backside of the man on pump #6?"
"Could the owner of the Ford Fiesta 1100 in the carpark with the tinted windows and the 'Go Faster' stripes - sort your life out, mate, will ya?"
"Would the owners of a black Jaguar please move it, as it's attacking the customers?"
Alan Cochrune's contributions to "Unlikely things to hear at Wimbledon":
"What a fantastic slice! But I do think the All-England club will insist she wears knickers again next year."
"And the mound has taken a real pounding in the last fortnight ...." (He grins guiltily since the reaction is the same as his previous entry; camera cuts to Zoe Lyons who is desperately trying to swallow her laughter) "... I think the All-England club are fine with it as long as it doesn't affect her tennis."
The outtakes gave us: "Cherie: That's Anal Lube." And the ensuing conversation.
In another outtake as the group are getting ready; Russell starts talking to someone in the audience, who apparently had someone make him toast during college. This leads to Hugh announcing, "And if it's tasty, you can suck my cock!" Just as he says this, Frankie sits down next to him, looks up in confusion, and says, "That was a bad time to come in."
Frankie and the racist door. This joke went on throughout the entire show.