From that same episode, in the "Scenes We'd Like to See" segment, under the category of "Unlikely Things for a TV Announcers to Say", Hugh tosses out the line "For those of you interested, I'd like you to know I'm completely naked and playing with myself." The funny comes in when the credits roll and (if you have the fortune of watching the original broadcast) the female BBC announcer adds, after talking about the shows coming up next, "...and by the way, I'm not naked."
From the second DVD, the panelists are asked not to make jokes about David Blunkett's blindness. So what do they do?...Yeah.
What can get missed but is still quite funny: After the first round of jokes, Dara exasperatedly says, "It's like I'm in charge of a special school." Adam Hills, that Australian comedian guy with the artificial foot, jokingly takes offence. Dara then corrects himself, saying, "Not physical stuff."
Series 9 episode 5, where Dara introduces a story about how research has shown that people with large heads may be less affected by Alzheimer's disease. Specifically, an article he showed the panel that had referred to him as an example of someone with a 'giant head', even including a picture of his head with the caption 'EXTRA LARGE'. The panel proceeds to spend five minutes mocking Dara's big head non-stop. Poor Genre Blind Dara.
The outtakes show the panel mocking him further with such lines as "Oh, Dara, is it you, or an eclipse?" Until finally Russell shouts out "FUCK, YOUR HEAD'S BIG!"
[Talking about Linda Blair from The Exorcist] "Her head's spinning round, she's vomiting everywhere, she's seemingly possessed by the devil, and yet Social Services have been around twenty times, and say that there's nothing wrong!"
The entire Blunkett discussion from the second DVD.
Dara pondering what the computer who randomly selected the 2012 Olympic tickets would sound like:
Dara: The poor computer who picked these things randomly! There's some computer who's going "Computer didn't want to make people sad! Computer picked tickets randomly! Computer like all sports! Computer sorry he made people unhappy! No, computer not like diving! Diving bad for computer! Diving make computer not work! Why computer talk like Hulk?"
Whenever the topic in "Scenes We'd Like To See" involves rejected exam questions, you know there's got to be at least one good question. Examples:
Andy: If sine 'a' over 'a' equals sine 'b' over 'b' equals since 'c' over 'c', what are the chances you're ever going to use this in your sodding adult life?
Hugh: Amy is 16. At least she said she was. How much trouble are you in?
Ed: Biology: Without singing, what is the knee bone connected to?
Frankie: Tick the box A, B, or C to recieve the grade A, B, or C.
Russell: Wayne lives 3 miles away from Kaylie and Martin lives 6 miles away from Wayne. Who got her pregnant?
Ed: Chemistry: What's that smell?
Andy: Katie Price is supposedly worth 8 and a half millon pounds and has got a thriving TV career. Explain.
Frankie: There are six lines of equal length. How long will Kerry Katona be in the bathroom?
Andy: Your mum's a slag. Discuss.
Hugh: Two cars are speeding. One is being driven by a black man. Which car will be stopped?
Andy: English: Is standards declining?
Frankie: If I add 1⁄ 8 to 1⁄16, how stoned will I be?
Andy: Using the paper provided, roll up a joint and pass it round.
Holly Walsh: What is amnesia? Is it: A. Memory loss, A. Memory loss or 4. the Battle of Hastings?
Milton: Quantify n in terms of q when q is a positive integer that dissects a parabolic curve— how's your lucky pencil case now, eh, eh, eh?!
Russell: With illustrations, describe the prophet Muhammad.
Andy: A lot of people have complained that these exams are too easy. Is the answer A. Yes or B. David Beckham?
Frankie: Spell "Mississippi" without looking at how we've spelt it in the question.
Russell: What is the name of the force that pulls objects towards the centre of the Earth? Is it a) gravity or b) magic?
Stewart: Without swearing, describe Peter Andre.
Micky: What is the name of that round thing they throw at the Olympics? Discuss.
Chris: Mental arithmetic: Count up the voices in your head.
Hugh: Discuss the metaphysical meaning of the following poem: "My friend Billy has a ten foot willy."
Andy: Do you think kids spend too much time with their Playstation? Answer Cross, Triangle, Circle, or Square.
Andy Parsons adds another: "If Sally buys three oranges and two apples, how far south of Scotland is she?" Frankie immediately walks to the microphone and stares at him for a good five seconds before finally cracking a smile. He then follows up with: "Discuss the idea that Willy Wonka was a pedophile."
Hugh Dennis' voice-overs in "Newsreel". Just about all of them. "The Machine" is probably the crowning example, due to his Diabolical Mastermind imitation of Lord Mandelson's voice.
Another was when he redubbed a world summit to make it like a pub quiz.
In Series 10 Episode 8, one of the categories in Scenes We'd Like To See is "Commercials that never made it to air". Eventually it starts a brief Running Gag on "Cash for Gold" agencies, starting with Cash for Cash ("Send us your money in an envelope, and we'll send it back minus commission.") by Miles Jupp, then Andy Parsons takes over with Ash for Cash ("Put your cremated relatives in an envelope...") and Smash for Cash ("Put your mashed potato in an envelope...").
This in a Series 10 Scenes We'd Like To See ("Things You Wouldn't Hear At A School Assembly"):
Hugh Dennis: I'm delighted to say that during the summer holidays, Mr. Wang married Ms. Kerr.
This causes wild laughter from the audience, then after it dies down, he adds this:
His nickname will remain the same.
Stewart Francis' skit on Family in Spinning the News.
From the Unlikely Things To Read In A Valentine's Card:
Holly Walsh:Roses are red. Poppies are red. The grass is all red - shit! The garden's on fire!
When Andy Parsons takes a show title literally during Scenes We'd Like To See, such as these examples:
"Welcome to 'Watchdog'. Here's a dog."
"Welcome to 'Crimewatch'. Here's a crime. Let's watch."
"Welcome to another edition of 'Homes Under The Hammer' where we attack Eamonn Holmes with a hammer."
What the Queen Didn't Say In Her Christmas Message.
Frankie: I've had a few medical problems this year: I'm now so old, that my pussy is haunted.
After this joke, Hugh walked up to the microphone, realized he can't follow this up and left without saying anything.
"Ooh, this music's so funky it makes me want to obey the law!"
Several of the Between the Lines segments with Frankie and Hugh. Notable mentions to the Replacement Scrappy example, David Beckham, Prince Charles, and this;
Frankie: (as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad) "The American president is the son of a swine! I hope that one day, his body is identified by the teethmarks on my penis!"
Audience explodes into laughter. Hugh stares at the ground while Frankie presses his lips together to suppress his own laughter. Eventually -
Hugh: "I don't like George Bush."
Another example involving Osama Bin Laden starts of as you'd expect.
Frankie: Try as hard as you like, I'm somewhere that you'll never find me.
Hugh: I died five years ago.
Frankie: Terror is the only way for Al-Queda to spread our message.
Hugh: We tried T-shirts, but the overheads were monstrous.
The David Beckham segment of Between the Lines:
Frankie: (as Beckham) I'm glad to have this oppurtunity to let you know what I'm thinking.
Frankie: It's great to have left Real Madrid.
Hugh:(still staring in front of himself with his mouth slightly open; Frankie has to suppress a smile) I hate Poland.
Frankie: I've bought a house in LA, right next to the big HOLLYWOOD sign.
Hugh: I'd love to know what it says.
During the fifth episode of series three when during If the Answer is... the quality control on Daraís earpiece are apparently worn down to begging the panel to change the topic
Unlikely Things to Get in Your Mail Slot: Andy Parsons makes a joke as follows: "Need a dog-walking service? Call Ace Kebabs, 318-318!" This is swiftly followed with "Need an undertaker?" and, for Rule of Three, "The Taj Mahal Indian Restaurant... formerly..."
The entire discussion about Adam Werritty (starts about three minutes in).
Things you wouldn't want to hear at work: "Get off, you're shit." Bonus points for just how fitting it is.
Hugh: "And, uh, the French have four faults: their language, their food, underarm hair and the fact that they are French."
Andy: "AND IT'S GOLD FOR IRELAND!"
Dara wouldn't let Andy do another one after that; whenever Andy tried, Dara just buzzed him.
Four years later, the subject appeared again. Stewart Francis opened with "And that's another gold medal for Ireland". Dara responded: "One thing I grew tired of was the Canadian national anthem".
Unlikely lines to hear in a disaster movie:
Andy Parsons: "Do you not realise, if this contagion spreads the entire X-Factor judging panel could be wiped out?"
Crowd laughs and cheers
Unlikely things to hear on a news programme:
Andy: "Behind me, a man lies dead. That's what happens if you pull faces in the background when I'm doing a piece to camera."
Ditto, on a science programme:
Milton Jones: "I was the man who discovered DNA. I wasn't going to call it that but I was giving a lecture to the Royal Society and I said 'Gentlemen, I believe I've discovered the genetic fingerprint of all human life ... da-na!'"
Holly: Apart from the humans, the only animal to enjoy sex is the dolphin. I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out.
Russell: I'm a meerkat; she's not lying...
"Bad Things To Hear From a Tour Guide":
Frankie: You may be wondering why we have so many foreign treasures here at the British Museum. And the answer is simple. Gun beats spear!
Hugh: Well this the deepest, darkest bit of the caves. And unless you give twenty pounds each that's where your staying.
Alan Cochrune's contributions to "Unlikely things to hear at Wimbledon":
"What a fantastic slice! But I do think the All-England club will insist she wears knickers again next year."
"And the mound has taken a real pounding in the last fortnight ...." (He grins guiltily since the reaction is the same as his previous entry; camera cuts to Zoe Lyons who is desperately trying to swallow her laughter) "... I think the All-England club are fine with it as long as it doesn't affect her tennis."
The outtakes gave us: "Cherie: That's Anal Lube." And the ensuing conversation.
In another outtake as the group are getting ready; Russell starts talking to someone in the audience, who apparently had someone make him toast during college. This leads to Hugh announcing, "And if it's tasty, you can suck my cock!" Just as he says this, Frankie sits down next to him, looks up in confusion, and says, "That was a bad time to come in."
Frankie and the racist door. This joke went on throughout the entire show.
Frankie: I don't want you to think of me as a psychiatrist, I want you to think of me as a mental patient who killed a psychiatrist before you got here.
Ed: Oh, that's a classic dream. It means you're a pedophile.
"Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Flatmate"
Frankie: My last flat was just like Friends. Have you seen The One Where Joey Kills Everybody?
"Commercials That Never Made It To Air"
Andy: Do you ever have that bloated feeling? Why not try having a shit?
"Unlikely Things for Andy Murray to Think" (keep in mind that Murray is in the audience)
Milton: (TERRIBLE Scottish accent) I remember when I used to train — ''(Dara admonishes him here..."He's in the room!") — I remember when I used to train in Scotland, I was a lot more unhealthy. I used to serve with a potato instead of a ball so I could have lots of chips afterwards!
Ed : Well, now that I've won Wimbledon, they'll at least stop making fun of me.
Hal Cruttenden: I wonder if my mom is watching. Of course she is. She's always watching.
Ed: I wish Kim would shut up. "Oh, that Ed Byrne, he's so funny!"
Andy: I think I saw Ivan Lendl wink. That means he's just ejaculated.
Ed: Venus has the arse, Serena's got the tits.
"The Worst Person to be Married to":
Frankie: You want me to put my ding-a-ling into your fairy-cave? ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN!?
David Mitchell: Oh, you can't use that toilet...that's MY toilet.
Andy: Of course we're going out tonight! It's Hitler's birthday!
"Unlikely Complaints to TV Channels:
Chris: Dear Dave: Have you seen Phil? Yours, Bob.
Chris: Dear Dave ja vu: Have you seen Phil ja vu? Yours, Bob ja vu.