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Funny: Mock the Week
  • To be honest, there's far too much of this to all fit on the page. But there are moments which stand out:
  • This clip by Frankie, probably one of his most offensive jokes EVER.
  • "Infuriate the yak!"
    • From that same episode, in the "Scenes We'd Like to See" segment, under the category of "Unlikely Things for a TV Announcers to Say", Hugh tosses out the line "For those of you interested, I'd like you to know I'm completely naked and playing with myself." The funny comes in when the credits roll and (if you have the fortune of watching the original broadcast) the female BBC announcer adds, after talking about the shows coming up next, "...and by the way, I'm not naked."
  • From the second DVD, the panelists are asked not to make jokes about David Blunkett's blindness. So what do they do?...Yeah.
    • What can get missed but is still quite funny: After the first round of jokes, Dara exasperatedly says, "It's like I'm in charge of a special school." Adam Hills, that Australian comedian guy with the artificial foot, jokingly takes offence. Dara then corrects himself, saying, "Not physical stuff."
  • Series 9 episode 5, where Dara introduces a story about how research has shown that people with large heads may be less affected by Alzheimer's disease. Specifically, an article he showed the panel that had referred to him as an example of someone with a 'giant head', even including a picture of his head with the caption 'EXTRA LARGE'. The panel proceeds to spend five minutes mocking Dara's big head non-stop. Poor Genre Blind Dara.
    • The outtakes show the panel mocking him further with such lines as "Oh, Dara, is it you, or an eclipse?" Until finally Russell shouts out "FUCK, YOUR HEAD'S BIG!"
  • "WELCOME TO MY DALEK POETRY READING! THIS POEM IS CALLED DAFFODILS! EXTERMINATE DAFFODILS!'' Made even funnier by Dara's frantic buzzing between each line, as if Frankie's going to stop when he's on a roll.
  • "Things You Wouldn't Hear on Songs of Praise":
    Frankie: "HELLO, CANTERBURY! LET'S MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE!"
    Ed Byrne That was beautiful. Such a shame there's no one actually up there to have heard it.
  • "The Siamese twins were joined at the most embarassing place imaginable, and known by friends as 'the skipping rope'."
    • Andy's reaction makes it even funnier;
    The crowd is still laughing at Hugh's joke. Andy walks up to the mike, looks back and forth a couple times, shrugs *buzz* and walks off.
  • Any time Milton Jones gets a turn at Spinning the News.
  • In the first Christmas special, one of the viewers (an eleven year old boy) sends in a picture of what the Mock The Week studio would look like if it was under attack by Daleks.
    Dara: One of the worrying things I've noticed is Frankie, who appears to be the king of the Daleks!
    (Audience Laughs)
  • "Unlikely Things to Hear on a Survival Show":
  • The opening sequence, which proudly proclaims in a blink-and-miss-it way that "The programme makers accept no liability for anything whatsoever, at all, ever", amongst other gems.
  • The whole discussion about Frankie Boyle's apocalyptic future visions, with the cities on legs.
  • The first-episode exchange about the dangerousness of owls, culminating in John Oliver predicting (inaccurately) "I think we all know, hand on heart, that this is not making the edit."
  • The DVDs have extra helpings of this. Of particular note are the "Porno Songs of Praise" discussion from the first DVD and the "Blunkett" section from the second.
  • The Frankie joke in the category "Things You Wouldn't Hear In A War Film":
  • Things that Would Change the Atmosphere at a Dinner Party.
    Frankie Boyle: There is a vegetarian option, you can fuck off!
    Russell Howard: Ten of you arrived... only one will leave.
    Hugh Dennis: Well, this is all very lovely. I think we should all raise a glass...TO THE FUHRER!
  • Russell Howard's method of stealing a chicken from a supermarket, which involved putting it on his head and simply walking off in the confusion. The reactions from the other hosts were priceless.
  • Andy Parsons, in the category "Unlikely Things To Hear At An Awards Ceremony":
    Andy Parsons: "And the winner of the Suicide Bomber Of The Year Award... I'm afraid they couldn't be with us tonight..."
    Andy Parsons: "And the winner for best envelope glue goes to..."
  • The 'what year will all the world's major cities will rise up on hydraulic legs and wage war for resources?' discussion.
  • "FIND A WOMAN! LEAVE THE PASTRIES ALONE!"
  • Ed Byrne: "Am I invisible in this fucking jacket?" And the entire rest of that scene.
    • When he finally steals the mic away from Hugh (after manhandling him), makes a big show of running off with it, carries it back and then says "It's not going to be worth it is it?". Dara agrees and presses the buzzer.
    • Also from that clip, a cut joke by Frankie: "This dish needs a little extra salt, so I'm going to fuck it."
  • Frankie Boyle, incarnation of this trope's answer to the acronym round ADRIB?
    Frankie: "Is it Allistair Darling's Robotic Inuit Butler?"
    • ICE FISHING.
    • Also his response to BTAD, with a photo featuring fleeing men in haz-mat suits:
    Frankie: Is it "Bathtime Arse Disaster"?
  • [Talking about Linda Blair from The Exorcist] "Her head's spinning round, she's vomiting everywhere, she's seemingly possessed by the devil, and yet Social Services have been around twenty times, and say that there's nothing wrong!"
  • The entire Blunkett discussion from the second DVD.
  • From "Unlikely Lines to Read in the Bible."
    Hugh: And Samson said "Lord, why have you given me all my strength in my hair?" And the Lord replied: "Because you're worth it."
    Chris Addison: And then the Lord said "shit I've made a wasp!" *flails around*.
  • "We have three priorities: education, education and free handjobs for the blind!"
  • Series 8. Scenes We'd Like To See. Topic was "Things You'd Never Hear On A TV Election Debate".
    Patrick Kielty: The truth.
  • "Bucket and mop to aisle three please, bucket and mop to aisle three. Someone's come on the broccoli."
  • Seann Walsh's SPOT-ON impression of Michael McIntyre.
  • Dara pondering what the computer who randomly selected the 2012 Olympic tickets would sound like:
    Dara: The poor computer who picked these things randomly! There's some computer who's going "Computer didn't want to make people sad! Computer picked tickets randomly! Computer like all sports! Computer sorry he made people unhappy! No, computer not like diving! Diving bad for computer! Diving make computer not work! Why computer talk like Hulk?"
  • Whenever the topic in "Scenes We'd Like To See" involves rejected exam questions, you know there's got to be at least one good question. Examples:
    Andy Parsons: If sign 'a' over 'a' equals sign 'b' over 'b', what are the chances you're ever going to use this in your sodding adult life?
    Hugh Dennis: Amy is 16. At least she said she was. How much trouble are you in?
    Ed Byrne: Biology: Without singing, what is the knee bone connected to?
    Frankie Boyle: Tick the box A, B, or C to recieve the grade A, B, or C.
    Russell Howard: Wayne lives 3 miles away from Kaylie and Martin lives 6 miles away from Wayne. Who got her pregnant?
    Ed Byrne: Chemistry: What's that smell?
    Andy Parsons: Katie Price is supposedly worth 8 and a half millon pounds and has got a thriving TV career. Explain.
    Frankie Boyle: There are six lines of equal length. How long will Kerry Katona be in the bathroom?
    Andy Parsons: Your mum's a slag. Discuss.
    Hugh Dennis: Two cars are speeding. One is being driven by a black man. Which car will be stopped?
    Andy Parsons: English: Is standards declining?
    Frankie Boyle: If I add 1⁄ 8 to 116, how stoned will I be?
    Andy Parsons: Using the paper provided, roll up a joint and pass it round.
    Holly Walsh: What is amnesia? Is it: A. Memory loss, A. Memory loss or 4. the Battle of Hastings?
    Milton Jones: Quantify n in terms of q when q is a positive integer that dissects a parabolic curve— how's your lucky pencil case now, eh, eh, eh?!
    Russell Howard: With illustrations, describe the prophet Muhammad.
    Andy Parsons: A lot of people have complained that these exams are too easy. Is the answer A. Yes or B. David Beckham?
    Frankie Boyle: Spell "Mississippi" without looking at how we've spelt it in the question.
    Russell Howard: What is the name of the force that pulls objects towards the centre of the Earth? Is it a) gravity or b) magic?
    Stewart Francis: Without swearing, describe Peter Andre.
    Micky Flanagan: What is the name of that round thing they throw at the Olympics? Discuss.
    Chris Addison: Mental arithmetic: Count up the voices in your head.
    Stewart Francis: Does this look infected?
    Frankie Boyle: If everybody in class A is called Tom, Thomas or Tommy, and every second boy in class B is called Tim, Timothy or Timmy, what the fuck is going on?
    Hugh Dennis: Using only the English language, <beat> write something!
    Ed Byrne: Using only the mass of the ass and the angle of the dangle, calculate the measure of the pleasure!
    Stewart Francis: What are Canadians renowned for saying? A.
    David Mitchell: Vladimir has 20,000 tanks; you have three. Why would you start a war? Discuss.
    Hugh Dennis: Discuss the metaphysical meaning of the following poem: "My friend Billy has a ten foot willy."
    Andy Parsons: Do you think kids spend too much time with their Playstation? Answer Cross, Triangle, Circle, or Square.
    • Andy Parsons adds another: "If Sally buys three oranges and two apples, how far south of Scotland is she?" Frankie immediately walks to the microphone and stares at him for a good five seconds before finally cracking a smile. He then follows up with: "Discuss the idea that Willy Wonka was a pedophile."
  • Hugh Dennis' voice-overs in "Newsreel". Just about all of them. "The Machine" is probably the crowning example, due to his Diabolical Mastermind imitation of Lord Mandelson's voice.
    • Another was when he redubbed a world summit to make it like a pub quiz.
  • Russell Howard's fucking hilarious and extremely accurate summary of Britain's newspapers.
  • Milton Jones: (singing) There is a house in New Orleans- blublublublublublublublub...
  • In Series 10 Episode 8, one of the categories in Scenes We'd Like To See is "commercials that never made it to air". Eventually it starts a brief Running Gag on "Cash for Gold" agencies, starting with Cash for Cash ("Send us your money in an envelope, and we'll send it back minus commission.") by Miles Jupp, then Andy Parsons takes over with Ash for Cash ("Put your cremated relatives in an envelope...") and Smash for Cash ("Put your mashed potato in an envelope...").
  • This in a Series 10 Scenes We'd Like To See ("Things You Wouldn't Hear At A School Assembly"):
    Hugh Dennis: I'm delighted to say that during the summer holidays, Mr. Wang married Ms. Kerr.
    • This causes wild laughter from the audience, then after it dies down, he adds this:
    His nickname will remain the same.
  • Stewart Francis' skit on Family in Spinning the News.
  • From the Unlikely Things To Read In A Valentine's Card:
    Holly Walsh: Roses are red. Poppies are red. The grass is all red - shit! The garden's on fire!
  • When Andy Parsons takes a show title literally during Scenes We'd Like To See, such as this example:
    "Welcome to 'Watchdog'. Here's a dog."
  • What the Queen Didn't Say In Her Christmas Message.
    Frankie: I've had a few medical problems this year: I'm now so old, that my pussy is haunted.
    • After this joke, Hugh walked up to the microphone, realized he can't follow this up and left without saying anything.
    • Significantly funnier when repeated deadpan by a presenter on ''Newsnight'' in a piece about declining standards at the BBC.
  • Unlikely Lines from Children's Books
    Hugh: The railway children gesticulated wildly at the driver. 'You've left us behind, you wanker!'
    Micky Flanagan: And as Eeyore put the noose around his neck ...
    Chris Addison: A stringfellow? What's a stringfellow? // A stringfellow? Why, didn't you know? // It has tanned, leather skin and a massive libido // Bad 80s hair and a grin like a pedo!
    Micky Flanagan: And so Emily learned; if she'd been a nicer little girl, Mummy and Daddy would've never gotten divorced.
  • Ed Byrne's rant about the DVD piracy warning.
    "Ooh, this music's so funky it makes me want to obey the law!"
  • Several of the Between the Lines segments with Frankie and Hugh. Notable mentions to the Replacement Scrappy example, David Beckham, Prince Charles, and this;
    Frankie: (as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad) "The American president is the son of a swine! I hope that one day, his body is identified by the teethmarks on my penis!"
    Audience explodes into laughter. Hugh stares at the ground while Frankie presses his lips together to suppress his own laughter. Eventually -
    Hugh: "I don't like George Bush."
    • Another example involving Osama Bin Laden starts of as you'd expect.
    Frankie: INFIDEEEEEEEEEEEELS!!!!!
    Hugh: ...Hi.
    Frankie: Try as hard as you like, I'm somewhere that you'll never find me.
    Hugh: I died five years ago.
    Frankie: Terror is the only way for Al-Queda to spread our message.
    Hugh: We tried T-shirts, but the overheads were monstrous.
  • The David Beckham segment of Between the Lines:
    Frankie: (as Beckham) I'm glad to have this oppurtunity to let you know what I'm thinking.
    Hugh: (stares blankly)
    Frankie: It's great to have left Real Madrid.
    Hugh: (still staring in front of himself with his mouth slightly open; Frankie has to suppress a smile) I hate Poland.
    Frankie: I've bought a house in LA, right next to the big HOLLYWOOD sign.
    Hugh: I'd love to know what it says.
  • During the fifth episode of series three when during If the Answer is... the quality control on Daraís earpiece are apparently worn down to begging the panel to change the topic
  • Unlikely Things to Get in Your Mail Slot: Andy Parsons makes a joke as follows: "Need a dog-walking service? Call Ace Kebabs, 318-318!" This is swiftly followed with "Need an undertaker?" and, for Rule of Three, "The Taj Mahal Indian Restaurant... formerly..."
  • The entire discussion about Adam Werritty (starts about three minutes in).
  • Things you wouldn't want to hear at work: "Get off, you're shit." Bonus points for just how fitting it is.
    (yells off-screen) PLAY THE MUSIC! PLAY THE MUSIC!
  • Gordon Brown Tickles Chickens.
  • Unlikely Things to Hear at an Awards Ceremony
    Chris: "And the winner is... Dara O'Briain!" note 
  • Greg Davies' impression of Peter Andre. Dara tries to stop him but he keeps going to the point where everyone, Dara included, is absolutely losing their shit laughing.
    • In another episode, Chris can't help noticing that Greg's impression of the Queen sounds like his Peter Andre impression, to which Greg responds, in the voice:
    "DON'T COMPARE ME TO THE QUEEN!"
  • The entire "pies with Legs" discussion.
  • The discussion, which starts at 19:44 in this video, on how David Davies described Sven-Goran Eriksson as "a seagull who wraps around people". As noted by Dara, "crazy-ass seagulls live in David Davies' mind!"
  • Any time Mickey Flanagan does an accent.
  • Alun Cochrane: "Dear Deidre, I am from Nigeria and I'm fed up with Mickey Flanagan mocking my accent."
  • Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
  • "The ants, the ants, the ants are electric ..."
  • Lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie: "BIFF, BAM, KAPOW, KNUTTED, BOTTLED, SLASHED!"
    • Before that: "You're trapped, Spider-Man. Trapped in this enormous bath."
  • From series 11 episode 10, Ann Romney is an arsonist and Mitt Romney doesn't know much about either airplanes nor fire. As seen here.
    Dara: Douse it in petrol, that will keep it quiet for a while! All the newspapers! Smother it in shavings of woods! IT SEEMS TO BE GETTING BIGGER! How is this happening?!
    • "HELLO, I'M ANN ROMNEY! YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR MY HUSBAND AND HE WILL MAKE ALL OF THE WINDOWS ROLL DOWN IN YOUR PLAAAANES!"
    • Also, from the same episode, everything about badgers.
      It's the people who are killing the badgers Á__Á
    • Aaand the plebs.
  • Dara's 'conversation' with a hypothetical signer, consisting mostly of him waving at the corner of the screen.
  • Any time Adam Hills takes out his prosthetic foot.
    I think you'll find that defines sexy and creepy

    Russell Howard: Adam, have you ever put beer in your foot and drank it?
    Beat
    Adam: Yes.
  • Frankie's plan for improving cricket: "Day three: release the jaguar."
  • Unlikely Things to Hear at the Olympics:
    Hugh: "And, uh, the French have four faults: their language, their food, underarm hair and the fact that they are French."
    Andy Parsons "AND IT'S GOLD FOR IRELAND!"
    • Dara wouldn't let Andy do another one after that; whenever Andy tried, Dara just buzzed him.
  • Four years later, the subject appeared again. Stewart Francis opened with "And that's another gold medal for Ireland". Dara responded: "One thing I grew tired of was the Canadian national anthem".
  • Unlikely lines to hear in a disaster movie:
    Andy Parsons: "Do you not realise, if this contagion spreads the entire X-Factor judging panel could be wiped out?"
    Crowd laughs and cheers
  • Unlikely things to hear on a news programme:
    Andy Parsons: "Behind me, a man lies dead. That's what happens if you pull faces in the background when I'm doing a piece to camera."
  • Ditto, on a science programme:
    Milton Jones: "I was the man who discovered DNA. I wasn't going to call it that but I was giving a lecture to the Royal Society and I said 'Gentlemen, I believe I've discovered the genetic fingerprint of all human life ... da-na!'"
    Holly Walsh: Apart from the humans, the only animal to enjoy sex is the dolphin. I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out.
    Russell Howard: I'm a meerkat; she's not lying...
  • "Bad Things To Hear From a Tour Guide":
    Frankie Boyle: You may be wondering why we have so many foreign treasures here at the British Museum. And the answer is simple. Gun beats spear!
    Hugh Dennis: Well this the deepest, darkest bit of the caves. And unless you give twenty pounds each that's where your staying.
  • Hugh imitating an ill-timed Botox injection.
  • "Deleted Lines From Star Trek:
    Frankie: This is the Federation of Gay Planets! Open your docking bay and prepare to be boarded!
    Hugh: Kirk to Enterprise! <beat> Okay, how about if I stand over here?
  • Unlikely things to hear over a tannoy:
    Hugh: Would the parents of the lost child please pick him up from the meeting point? Madonna is trying to buy him.
    Chris Addison: Would the owners of a black Jaguar please move it, as it's attacking the customers?"
    Hugh: Would the man on pump #4 please remove the nozzle from the backside of the man on pump #6?"
    Micky Flanagan: Could the owner of the Ford Fiesta 1100 in the carpark with the tinted windows and the 'Go Faster' stripes - sort your life out, mate, will ya?
    Chris Addison: Would the small boy with the owl please stop running at the wall between platforms nine and ten?"
  • Alan Cochrune's contributions to "Unlikely things to hear at Wimbledon":
    "What a fantastic slice! But I do think the All-England club will insist she wears knickers again next year."
    "And the mound has taken a real pounding in the last fortnight ...." (He grins guiltily since the reaction is the same as his previous entry; camera cuts to Zoe Lyons who is desperately trying to swallow her laughter) "... I think the All-England club are fine with it as long as it doesn't affect her tennis."
  • The outtakes gave us: "Cherie: That's Anal Lube." And the ensuing conversation.
    • In another outtake as the group are getting ready; Russell starts talking to someone in the audience, who apparently had someone make him toast during college. This leads to Hugh announcing, "And if it's tasty, you can suck my cock!" Just as he says this, Frankie sits down next to him, looks up in confusion, and says, "That was a bad time to come in."
  • Frankie and the racist door. This joke went on throughout the entire show.
  • "And now, Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares for the hard of hearing."
  • For the 2013 Christmas special, one of the Scenes We'd Like to See topics was "Unlikely Things to Hear at Christmas Time." The crowd, as expected, responded with groans.
    Dara: "Don't judge me!"
    • Immediately after that, Josh Widdicombe's first joke:
    Josh: "Yes, it's just what I wanted: a Seann Walsh DVD!"
    • Which made Walsh nearly double over laughing.
    • Milton Jones' spin on a holiday song:
    Milton: "George Michael, you are accused of organ trafficking. Last Christmas, someone gave you their heart."
  • "Bad Things To Hear At The Psychiatrist's"
    Frankie: I don't want you to think of me as a psychiatrist, I want you to think of me as a mental patient who killed a psychiatrist before you got here.
    Ed Byrne: Oh, that's a classic dream. It means you're a pedophile.
  • "Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Flatmate"
    Frankie: My last flat was just like Friends. Have you seen The One Where Joey Kills Everybody?
  • "Commercials That Never Made It To Air"
    Andy: Do you ever have that bloated feeling? Why not try having a shit?
  • "Unlikely Things for Andy Murray to Think" (keep in mind that Murray is in the audience)
    Milton Jones: (terrible Scottish accent) I remember when I used to train — ''(Dara admonishes him here..."He's in the room!") — I remember when I used to train in Scotland, I was a lot more unhealthy. I used to serve with a potato instead of a ball so I could have lots of chips afterwards!
    Ed Byrne: Well, now that I've won Wimbledon, they'll at least stop making fun of me.
    Hal Cruttenden: I wonder if my mom is watching. Of course she is. She's always watching.
    Ed Byrne: I wish Kim would shut up. "Oh, that Ed Byrne, he's so funny!"
    Andy Parsons: I think I saw Ivan Lendl wink. That means he's just ejaculated.
    Ed Byrne: Venus has the arse, Serena's got the tits.
  • "The Worst Person to be Married to":
    Frankie: You want me to put my ding-a-ling into your fairy-cave? ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN!?
  • "Unlikely Complaints to TV channels:
    Chris: Dear Dave: Have you seen Phil? Yours, Bob.
    Chris: Dear Dave ja vu: Have you seen Phil ja vu? Yours, Bob ja vu.
  • "Unlikely Things to Hear on Crimewatch":
    Hugh: Sometimes victims of crime don't even know they have been robbed because they use the items taken so infrequently. Take Dara O'Briain. Burglars stole his legs six months ago.
    (Dara looks down, checking if his legs are there)
  • "Unlikely Lines To Hear In a Kids' Film":
    Miles Jupp: Mary Poppins, I arrest you on suspicion of supercalifragilisticsextrafficking.
  • "Unlikely Small Ads"?
    Hugh: House prices falling? Debts rising? Feel like you can't quite cope? PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!
  • "Things You Wouldn't Hear From a Weather Forecaster"
    Russell: A hurricane tonight will be caused by low pressure and Godís hatred of homosexuality.
    Hugh: Well let's go to Carol on the roof of television center. She's not meant to be there; she's just a bit depressed.
  • "The Worst Thing To Say When Running For U.S. President:"
    Hugh: (with a fake Texas accent) Hi there, I'm like George Bush only less intelligent.
    Frankie: I will never forget the terrible events of 9-12.
    Andy Parsons: Yes I smoked marijuana... and I inhaled... just now...
  • "The Wrong Things to Say on your First Day in the Army:"
    John Oliver: I beg your pardon, drop and give me 20 please. You'll get nothing by shouting.
  • "Bad Ways to Start a Party Political Broadcast":
    Frankie: My fellow pedophiles...
    Hugh: As you know, the football is on the other channel.
    Jo Brand: During the next three and a half hours...
    Hugh: I think our policies are best expressed... (starts singing) in song!

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