To be honest, there's far too much of this to all fit on the page. But there are moments which stand out:
- This clip by Frankie, probably one of his most offensive jokes EVER.
- "Infuriate the yak!"
- From that same episode, in the "Scenes We'd Like to See" segment, under the category of "Unlikely Things for a TV Announcers to Say", Hugh tosses out the line "For those of you interested, I'd like you to know I'm completely naked and playing with myself." The funny comes in when the credits roll and (if you have the fortune of watching the original broadcast) the female BBC announcer adds, after talking about the shows coming up next, "...and by the way, I'm not naked."
- From the second DVD, the panelists are asked not to make jokes about David Blunkett's blindness. So what do they do?...Yeah.
- What can get missed but is still quite funny: After the first round of jokes, Dara exasperatedly says, "It's like I'm in charge of a special school." Adam Hills, that Australian comedian guy with the artificial foot, jokingly takes offence. Dara then corrects himself, saying, "Not physical stuff."
- Series 9 episode 5, where Dara introduces a story about how research has shown that people with large heads may be less affected by Alzheimer's disease. Specifically, an article he showed the panel that had referred to him as an example of someone with a 'giant head', even including a picture of his head with the caption 'EXTRA LARGE'. The panel proceeds to spend five minutes mocking Dara's big head non-stop. Poor Genre Blind Dara, though he does get the last laugh in the end.
- The outtakes show the panel mocking him further with such lines as "Oh, Dara, is it you, or an eclipse?" until finally Russell shouts out "Fuck, your head's big!"
- In the first Christmas special, one of the viewers (an eleven year old boy) sends in a picture of what the Mock The Week studio would look like if it was under attack by Daleks.
- The opening sequence, which proudly proclaims in a blink-and-miss-it way that "The programme makers accept no liability for anything whatsoever, at all, ever", amongst other gems.
- The whole discussion about Frankie Boyle's apocalyptic future visions, with the cities on legs.
- The first-episode exchange about the dangerousness of owls, culminating in John Oliver predicting (inaccurately) "I think we all know, hand on heart, that this is not making the edit."
- The DVDs have extra helpings of this. Of particular note are the "Porno Songs of Praise" discussion from the first DVD and the "Blunkett" section from the second.
- From Series 6 Episode 2, Russell Howard's method of stealing a chicken from a supermarket, which involved putting it on his head and simply walking off in the confusion. The reactions from the other hosts were priceless.
Frankie: Why not go the extra mile and have sweeties for eyes and sausages for fingers? Was there nothing for dessert in your plan, Howard?!
- "FIND A WOMAN! LEAVE THE PASTRIES ALONE!"
- The 'what year will all the world's major cities will rise up on hydraulic legs and wage war for resources?' discussion.
- Dara pondering what the computer who randomly selected the 2012 Olympic tickets would sound like:
: The poor computer who picked these things randomly! There's some computer who's going "Computer didn't want to make people sad! Computer picked tickets randomly! Computer like all sports
! Computer sorry he made people unhappy! No, computer not like diving! Diving bad for computer! Diving make computer not work! Why computer talk like Hulk?
- Hugh Dennis' voice-overs in "Newsreel". Just about all of them. "The Machine" is probably the crowning example, due to his Diabolical Mastermind imitation of Lord Mandelson's voice.
- Ed Byrne's rant about the DVD piracy warning.
"Ooh, this music's so funky it makes me want to obey the law!"
- Several of the Between the Lines segments with Frankie and Hugh. Notable mentions to the Replacement Scrappy example, David Beckham, Prince Charles, and this;
Frankie: (as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad) "The American president is the son of a swine! I hope that one day, his body is identified by the teeth marks on my penis!"
[Audience explodes into laughter. Hugh stares at the ground while Frankie presses his lips together to suppress his own laughter. Eventually -]
Hugh: "I don't like George Bush."
- Another example involving Osama Bin Laden starts of as you'd expect.
Frankie: Try as hard as you like, I'm somewhere that you'll never find me.
Hugh: I died five years ago.
Frankie: Terror is the only way for Al-Qaeda to spread our message.
Hugh: We tried T-shirts, but the overheads were monstrous.
- The David Beckham segment of Between the Lines:
Frankie: (as Beckham) I'm glad to have this opportunity to let you know what I'm thinking.
Hugh: (stares blankly)
Frankie: It's great to have left Real Madrid.
Hugh: (still staring in front of himself with his mouth slightly open; Frankie has to suppress a smile) I hate Poland.
Frankie: I've bought a house in LA, right next to the big HOLLYWOOD sign.
Hugh: I'd love to know what it says.
- And this bit from the Tony Blair one:
Hugh: (in response to "Tony" declaring his method of choosing a successor) WHOMSOEVER PULLS THIS SWORD FROM THIS STONE...!
- The entire discussion about Adam Werritty (starts about three minutes in).
- The entire "pies with legs" discussion from episode 10 of the fifth series.
- The discussion, which starts at 19:44 in this video, on how David Davies described Sven-Goran Eriksson as "a seagull who wraps around people". As noted by Dara, "crazy-ass seagulls live in David Davies' mind!"
- Any time Mickey Flanagan does an accent.
(later that ep, "Scenes we'd Like to See" does "Unlikely Agony Aunt Letters")
Alan Cochrane: "Dear Deidre, I am from Nigeria and I'm fed up with Mickey Flanagan mocking my accent."
- "The ants, the ants, the ants are electric ..."
- Dara's 'conversation' with a hypothetical signer, consisting mostly of him waving at the corner of the screen.
- Any time Adam Hills takes out his prosthetic foot.
"I think you'll find that defines sexy and creepy."
Russell Howard: Adam, have you ever put beer in your foot and drunk out of it?
- Frankie's plan for improving cricket: "Day three: release the jaguar."
- Hugh imitating an ill-timed Botox injection.
- From Series 7 Episode 9, Frankie and the racist door. This joke went on throughout the entire show.
Do you actually have a racist door? Frankie:
Yes, I do, on my children's show! Hello, children, shall we open the racist door? Who's behind it? Ooh, it's Ching Chong
- From Series 6 Episode 9, most of what Frankie says about the Large Hadron Collider, "or to give it its proper name, the Black Hole Machine!"
Frankie: It'd be nice if, when they find this particle, the whole of our reality dissolves, and a big sign comes up that says "Level Two."
Frankie: If my kid said "can I have a train set in the attic?" I'd say yes. If my kid said "can I have a train set that might end the universe?" I'd say "what about a bike?"
Frankie: If it's a small one, that's the worst. This studio will be slightly dragged towards Switzerland every week until we look over and Russell will have been replaced by the gaping jaws of infinity.
Russell: Hang on, he just said I'm gonna die on telly!
Dara: We'll be banging on your fingers as you cling to the desk. "Go! Go proudly!"
Russell: [miming holding onto the desk and losing his grip] "There's more space on Scenes We'd Like To Seeeeeeeee...!"
- Frankie's comment on the Polar Ice Caps melting.
Frankie: The only hope after they melt is finding a button that says "press to restore the Earth's factory settings."
- From Series 11, Episode 9: A discussion of the remains of Richard III being found is sidetracked by Dara's AMAZING impression of Emperor Palpatine.
- From Series 11 Episode 10, Ann Romney is an arsonist and Mitt Romney doesn't know much about airplanes or fire. As seen here.
Dara: Douse it in petrol, that will keep it quiet for a while! Old newspapers! Old newspapers! Smother it in shavings of wood! IT SEEMS TO BE GETTING BIGGER! How is this happening?!
- "HELLO, I'M ANN ROMNEY! YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR MY HUSBAND AND HE WILL MAKE ALL OF THE WINDOWS ROLL DOWN IN YOUR PLAAAANES!"
- Also, from the same episode, everything about badgers.
Dara: It's the people who are killing the badgers. Why, Mummy? Why, Mummy, are the people killing the badgers?
- Aaand the plebs.
- Greg Davies' impression of Peter Andre. Dara tries to stop him but he keeps going to the point where everyone, Dara included, is absolutely losing their shit laughing.
- S13E11: The "Private Browsing" discussion.
- From Series 13 Episode 7, the ENTIRE conversation about the harp. All. Of. It.
- "I love that! The hundredth program, and the first time we've been heckled by the audience!"
- The "Greek dance" episode. Newcomer Sara Pascoe's analogy comparing the Greek deficit and the EU with a pub and its storage of alcohol, which starts becoming ridiculously detailed.
- Series 14, Episode 9. All of it.note .
- After one early Clip Show showed Dara dancing to the Real Song Theme Tune, the Christmas Episode of Season 14 takes it to its logical conclusion.
- Also from the Season 14 Christmas special, Dara's incredibly creepy talking teddy bear.
Feddy the Teddy Bear "I would really like to eat you."
- In Series 15 Episode 6, when the panel talks about the Conservative leadership election, and Dara pretends to be a dictator:
You weren't elected, were you, to this position, Dara? Dara:
I wasn't. I stole it in a bloody coup. And would do it again, my friend. People have disappeared from this show, Miles
- and would again - for raising those exact kind of questions. Where's Frankie now, where's Russell now? Gone. Miles:
You will be dragged through the streets, Dara. You will be dragged through the streets like Gaddafi. Then they'll be laughing. Dara:
There were five regulars on this show - how many regulars now? Just poor, weak Hugh. Poor, weak Hugh, who I own. Hugh will always give the correct answer when I ask him to - won't you, Hugh, won't you, Hugh? Hugh:
Your shoes are almost polished, sir! Dara:
Thank you, Hugh. Hugh knows what's right for him. In other news... Hugh: I think you're terrific on the Megabus, sir.
- Series 16 Episode 2:
(The answer is "8") Ed Gamble:
"Is it 'The supermodel was fired because she what?" (groans from audience) Dara O'Briain:
"Are you booing him or society?
" Nish Kumar:
"Is it an all-supermodel audience?" (looks out at crowd) "No!" (laughter from audience) Ed Gamble: (mock outrage)
"What?! You're not gonna boo that? He just called you all fat!" Dara O'Briain:
"He literally called you ugly."
- Series 16 Episode 4 has both Nish Kumar and Romesh Ranganathan, which Nish is delighted about, because apparently people have been approaching him in the street thinking that he is Romesh. It goes Up to Eleven when he mentions that his own mother describes him as a "poor man's Romesh".
Romesh: Mate, if you dream of being a poor man's Romesh, you'd better wake up and apologize!
- Series 16 episode 10 leads up to this lovely Black Comedy moment:
: My mum, for example, cannot turn on an induction hob - you know you have to put your finger on it like that, but it does not turn on because my mother, her circulation is so bad her fingers are too cold
. (cut to Dara looking aghast) When she used to come to babysit and stuff, she couldn't cook anything so you have to leave stuff on because she couldn't... Dara
: Your mum's been dead for years.
(laughter explodes across the panel, cut to Kerry Godliman doing a full Head Desk
: I'm thinking, it would be t... James
: We all went to her funeral, Hugh! Angela
: You gotta let it go, mate! James
: We all sat in this formation
: Wouldn't it be awful if she went into a shop and she had to do this... Dara
: "Yes, because you scare people!
"Oh my god, there's dead Mrs Dennis! You died all those years ago! Why can't you be at rest?!" "Because my son will not acknowlege that I am dead!"... So sorry by the way, to your mother... Lovely woman, I've met her a few times... James
: Lovely woman!... And dead as hell!
- Whenever the topic in "Scenes We'd Like To See" involves rejected exam questions, you know there's got to be at least one good question. Examples:
- Andy: If sine 'a' over 'a' equals sine 'b' over 'b' equals since 'c' over 'c', what are the chances you're ever going to use this in your sodding adult life?
- Hugh: Amy is 16. At least she said she was. How much trouble are you in?
- Ed: Biology: Without singing, what is the knee bone connected to?
- Frankie: Tick the box A, B, or C to receive the grade A, B, or C.
- Russell: Wayne lives 3 miles away from Kaylie and Martin lives 6 miles away from Wayne. Who got her pregnant?
- Ed: Chemistry: What's that smell?
- Andy: Katie Price is supposedly worth 8 and a half million pounds and has got a thriving TV career. Explain.
- Ed: Biology: Take the dead rat, dissect it, remove its head, and nail it to the canteen door as a warning to other rats.
- Frankie: There are six lines of equal length. How long will Kerry Katona be in the bathroom?
- Andy: Your mum's a slag. Discuss.
- Hugh: Two cars are speeding. One is being driven by a black man. Which car will be stopped?
- Andy: English: Is standards declining?
- Milton: Who predicted the first fridge? Was it A: Nostradamus, B: Prepostradamus, or C: Defrostradamus?
- Frankie: If I add 1⁄ 8 to 1⁄16, how stoned will I be?
- Andy: Using the paper provided, roll up a joint and pass it round.
- Holly Walsh: What is amnesia? Is it: A. Memory loss, A. Memory loss or 4. the Battle of Hastings?
- Milton: Quantify n in terms of q when q is a positive integer that dissects a parabolic curve— how's your lucky pencil case now, eh, eh, eh?!
- Russell: With illustrations, describe the prophet Muhammad.
- Andy: A lot of people have complained that these exams are too easy. Is the answer A. Yes or B. David Beckham?
- Ed: Why do mummy and daddy not love each other anymore? Was it something you did?
- Frankie: Spell "Mississippi" without looking at how we've spelt it in the question.
- Ed: Write an essay about your favorite hobby, but write it in foreign.
- Hugh: Was Elizabeth the first? No? Then who did you lose your virginity to?
- Russell: What is the name of the force that pulls objects towards the centre of the Earth? Is it a) gravity or b) magic?
- Stewart: Without swearing, describe Peter Andre.
- Micky: What is the name of that round thing they throw at the Olympics? Discuss.
- Chris: Mental arithmetic: Count up the voices in your head.
- Holly: What is amnesia? Is it: A. Memory loss...
- Stewart: Does this look infected?
- Ed: Theoretical physics: Discuss the theoretical possibility of time travel. You have one hour, starting three hours ago.
- Frankie: If everybody in class A is called Tom, Thomas or Tommy, and every second boy in class B is called Tim, Timothy or Timmy, what the fuck is going on?!
- Hugh: Using only the English language... [beat] write something!
- Ed: Using only the mass of the ass and the angle of the dangle, calculate the measure of the pleasure!
- Stewart: What are Canadians renowned for saying? A.
- David Mitchell: Vladimir has 20,000 tanks; you have three. Why would you start a war? Discuss.
- Hugh: Discuss the metaphysical meaning of the following poem: "My friend Billy has a ten foot willy."
- Andy: Do you think kids spend too much time with their PlayStation? Answer Cross, Triangle, Circle, or Square.
- Andy Parsons adds another: "If Sally buys three oranges and two apples, how far south of Scotland is she?" Frankie immediately walks to the microphone and stares at him for a good five seconds before finally cracking a smile. He then follows up with: "Discuss the idea that Willy Wonka was a pedophile."
- Hugh: Theology: Is there a God? You better hope so, look at this next question.
- Andy: Discuss the use of juxtaposition in Macbeth. Alternatively, write down everything you know about Macbeth in a blind panic because you have no idea what the word "juxtaposition" is.
- Ed: If a man can make 400,000 pounds a year as an estate agent, why is he wasting his life setting exam questions while locked in a loveless marriage?
- Nish Kumar: Discuss the use of symbolism in the Of Mice and Men books; which are of course, Of Mice and Men, 2 Mice 2 Men, and Of Mice and Men: Tokyo Drift.
- "WELCOME TO MY DALEK POETRY READING! THIS POEM IS CALLED DAFFODILS! EXTERMINATE DAFFODILS!'' Made even funnier by Dara's frantic buzzing between each line, as if Frankie's going to stop when he's on a roll.
- "Things You Wouldn't Hear on Songs of Praise":
- Frankie: "HELLO, CANTERBURY! LET'S MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE!"
- Hugh: Well, the goat's strapped to the altar, so let's begin!
- Ed Byrne: That was beautiful. Such a shame there's no one actually up there to have heard it.
- "Tara removes her top to reveal a horrifying skin infection. Look away now if you're eating Rice Krispies." Cue groans from the audience and an undignified "pfftt" from one of the guys.
- "The Siamese twins were joined at the most embarrassing place imaginable, and known by friends as 'the skipping rope'."
- You can make out an undignified cackle from Andi Osho amidst the laughter. Andy's reaction makes it even funnier. The crowd is still laughing at Hugh's joke. Andy walks up to the mike, looks back and forth a couple times, shrugs *buzz* and walks off.
- "Unlikely Things to Hear on a Survival Show":
: I've just achieved my life's ambition - climbing Mount Everest with no food, and no equipment. Now do you love me, daddy?! Now do you love me?!
- The Frankie joke in the category "Things You Wouldn't Hear In A War Film":
- Things that Would Change the Atmosphere at a Dinner Party.
- Andy Parsons, in the category "Unlikely Things To Hear At An Awards Ceremony":
"And the winner for best envelope glue goes to..."
"And the winner of the Suicide Bomber of the Year Award... I'm afraid they couldn't be with us tonight..."
- Couple years later, same subject, but with a couple new ones:
Josh: "And the award for Most dramatic Pause at an Awards Ceremony goes to..." (ten seconds pass as the audience laughs)
Andy: "And the award for the Most Disappointing Sound Effect in a TV Show goes to..." (Dara buzzes, and then make funny faces at the camera)
Hugh: "This is the Identity Theft Awards, and I'm your host, Dara O'Briain."
Hugh: (walking towards the mic) "Welcome to the Accidents at Work Awards." (trips and falls over)
- Ed: "Am I invisible in this fucking jacket?" And the entire rest of that scene.
- When he finally steals the mic away from Hugh (after manhandling him), makes a big show of running off with it, carries it back and then says "It's not going to be worth it is it?". Dara agrees and presses the buzzer.
- Also from that clip, a cut joke by Frankie: "This dish needs a little extra salt, so I'm going to fuck it."
- On horror films:
- From "Unlikely Lines to Read in the Bible."
: The characters in this book are entirely fictitious. Hugh
: And Samson said "Lord, why have you given me all my strength in my hair?" And the Lord replied: "Because you're worth it." Chris Addison
: And then the Lord said "Shit, I've made a wasp!" [flails around] James Acaster
: And Jesus passed out cans of Dr. Pepper, and said, "Drink this in remembrance of me. Yes, my full name is Dr. Jesus Pepper."
- Continuing with the Bible jokes:
- "We have three priorities: education, education and free handjobs for the blind!"
- Series 8 Episode 1. Scenes We'd Like To See. Topic was "Unlikely Things to Hear on a TV Election Debate".
- Hugh: "Bucket and mop to aisle three please, bucket and mop to aisle three. Someone's come on the broccoli."
- "Unlikely Lines from a Disaster Movie"
- This gem from Series 13.
- The same segment, "Unlikely Film Trailers", had this Rule of Three from Milton Jones.
: From the makers of Caca One
- (caws twice
) - Caca Two
"Look, an ancient African city!" From the makers of Timbuk One
"It looks like a runner bean only smaller." From the makers of Mange One
- In Series 10 Episode 8, one of the categories in Scenes We'd Like To See is "Commercials that never made it to air". Eventually it starts a brief Running Gag on "Cash for Gold" agencies, starting with Cash for Cash ("Send us your money in an envelope, and we'll send it back minus commission.") by Miles Jupp, then Andy Parsons takes over with Ash for Cash ("Put your cremated relatives in an envelope...") and Smash for Cash ("Put your mashed potato in an envelope...").
- This in a Series 10 Scenes We'd Like To See ("Things You Wouldn't Hear At A School Assembly"):
Hugh: I'm delighted to say that during the summer holidays, Mr. Wang married Ms. Kerr.
- From the Unlikely Things To Read In A Valentine's Card:
Holly Walsh: Roses are red.
Poppies are red. The grass is all red — SHIT THE GARDEN'S ON FIRE!
- When Andy Parsons takes a show title literally during Scenes We'd Like To See, such as these examples:
"Welcome to Watchdog. Here's a dog."
"Welcome to Crimewatch. Here's a crime. Let's watch."
"Welcome to another edition of 'Homes Under The Hammer' where we attack Eamonn Holmes with a hammer."
"You're watching Sky News. At the moment, the sky is blue."
- Milton Jones gets into the act a couple of times.
"You're watching Fox News. (barks like a fox)
- Hugh Dennis delivers one in "Unlikely Things to Hear on Daytime TV":
"Next on Flog It, the team meets their greatest challenge yet: a dead horse."
- What the Queen Didn't Say In Her Christmas Message.
Frankie: I've had a few medical problems this year: I'm now so old, that my pussy is haunted.
- After this joke, Hugh walked up to the microphone, realized he can't follow this up and left without saying anything.
- Significantly funnier when repeated deadpan by a presenter on Newsnight in a piece about declining standards at the BBC.
- Unlikely Lines from Children's Books
- In a similar vein, Rhys James on "Things You Wouldn't Hear in a Nature Show"
- Unlikely Things To Get Through Your Letterbox: Andy Parsons makes a joke as follows: "Need a dog-walking service? Call Ace Kebabs, 318-318!" This is swiftly followed with "Need an undertaker?" and, for Rule of Three, "The Taj Mahal Indian Restaurant... formerly..."
- Things you wouldn't want to hear at work: "Get off, you're shit!" Bonus points for just how fitting it is.
- Unlikely Things to Hear at the Olympics:
Hugh: "And, uh, the French have four faults: their language, their food, underarm hair and the fact that they are French."
Frankie: And to show you just how polluted this city is, the javelin has gotten stuck in the sky.
Andy: "AND IT'S GOLD FOR IRELAND!"
- Dara wouldn't let Andy do another one after that; whenever Andy tried, Dara just buzzed him.
- Four years later, the subject appeared again. Stewart Francis opened with "And that's another gold medal for Ireland". Dara responded: "One thing I grew tired of was the Canadian national anthem".
- "Bad Things To Hear From a Tour Guide":
: You may be wondering why we have so many foreign treasures here at the British Museum. And the answer is simple. Gun beats spear! Hugh:
Well this the deepest, darkest bit of the caves. And unless you give twenty pounds each, that's where you're staying.
- Deleted Lines From Star Trek:
Hugh: Kirk to Enterprise! <beat> Okay, how about if I stand over here?
Frankie: This is the Federation of Gay Planets! Open your docking bay and prepare to be boarded!
- "Bad Things To Hear At The Psychiatrist's"
- "Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Flatmate"
My last flat was just like Friends
. Have you seen The One Where Joey Kills Everybody
- "The Worst Person to be Married to":
Frankie: You want me to put my ding-a-ling into your fairy-cave? ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN!?
David Mitchell: Oh, you can't use that toilet...that's MY toilet.
Andy: Of course we're going out tonight! It's Hitler's birthday!
- "The Wrong Things to Say on your First Day in the Army:"
John Oliver: I beg your pardon, drop and give me 20 please. (pause) You'll get nothing by shouting.
- "Bad Ways to Start a Party Political Broadcast":
Frankie: My fellow pedophiles...
Hugh: As you know, the football is on the other channel.
Jo Brand: During the next three and a half hours...
Hugh: I think our policies are best expressed... (starts singing) in song!
- Unlikely Lines to Hear on a TV Show"
Frankie: Hello and welcome to Mock the Week After Dark. I'm Dara O'Briain and this... is my penis. *Cue Dara looking at his crotch and nodding his head suggestively.*
- Unlikely Things to Hear on a TV Talent Show
You're right! I can't
sing! Thanks! Milton Jones:
I'd like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital. [singing] The wheels of the bus go round and round, round and round... Greg Davies:
Hello! Where's my double act partner? Oh, he's in here. (puts microphone to crotch and starts singing "Feelings") Andy Parsons:
Yes, I have been on the show before. I was once trapped inside somebody else's underpants going, "Feelings..."
- Unlikely Things to Hear at an Awards Ceremony
- To which Dara responds by simply flipping Chris off.
- Greg Davies is a bit irritated when his joke goes over everyone's head:
"And predictably, for the fiftieth year running, the Rear of the Year has been won by the same man. Come on up, Chris..." (awkward silence) "It's a Chris Rhea joke."
- Nathan Caton's follow-up irritates Greg even more:
Nathan: "And the award for best film...cling! Cling film!"
Greg: "Oh! That was all right, though, was it?! It's bullshit, Dara!"
- And Greg's attempts to recover:
Greg: "And the winner for Best Posthumously Released Rap Record goes to Kim Jong, for 'I Told You I Was Il!'" (wild applause) "Too late!"
Greg: "And the winner of Rear of the Year goes to...Chris Rhea!" (wild applause)
- Other contributions to 'Unlikely Agony Aunt letters', aside from the above:
: "Dear Aunty, I'm a very nervous person and sudden noises really startle me. In fact, even if I hear a buzzer a little wee comes out
." [Dara presses the buzzer and Zoe looks distinctly uncomfortable before walking off. Mickey Flanagan bursts out laughing in the meantime.] Alan Cochrane
: "I work in the public sector-" [adopts a mocking tone]
"- and I'm really, really, really
worried about my pension!" [He rolls his eyes before walking off.]
- When the subject gets reused in Series 14, episode 11:
Holly: (visibly pregnant) Dear Deirdre, why does semen make you fat?
Rob Beckett: Dear Deirdre, I'm not going to beat around the bush. Is there any other tips on satisfying my wife?
Holly: Dear Deirdre, My husband has been pressuring me to try Alan. Also how do I turn off predictive text?
- "Unlikely Lines from a Superhero Movie":
- As usual, Frankie Boyle had a few lovely zingers:
You're trapped, Spider-Man. Trapped in this enormous bath. Frankie:
Is it a bird; is it a plane? Whatever it is, it's heading straight for the World Trade Centre. Frankie:
What's that Joker; you'll be back? Somehow, I don't think you will be!
- Andy gets in on it later.
Andy: BIFF, BAM, KAPOW, KNUTTED, BOTTLED, SLASHED!"
- Similar subject a few years later:
: Spider-Man is dead. And so is Fly Man, swallowed by There Was an Old Lady Woman. Andy
: Spider-Man, Spider-Man, Does whatever a spider can... HELP! I'M STUCK IN A BATH! Josh Widdicombe
: A gas leak at the orphanage? Sounds like a job for me, The Human Torch
- Unlikely lines to hear in a disaster movie:
Andy Parsons: "Do you not realise, if this contagion spreads the entire X-Factor judging panel could be wiped out?"
[Crowd laughs and cheers]
- Unlikely things to hear on a news programme:
- Ditto, on a science programme:
Milton Jones: I was the man who discovered DNA. I wasn't going to call it that but I was giving a lecture to the Royal Society and I said, "Gentlemen, I believe I've discovered the genetic fingerprint of all human life ... da-na!"
Holly: Apart from the humans, the only animal to enjoy sex is the dolphin. I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out.
Russell: I'm a meerkat; she's not lying...
Miles Jupp: In our next experiment, we're going to prove that putting Dara O'Briain in a room full of young people still doesn't make science interesting.
Chris: (Impersonating Dara) So, this is amazing right, so what you're saying is that somewhere, Professor Cox, in a parallel universe, there is a me with hair. (Impersonating Professor Cox) That's right, Dara!
- Unlikely things to hear over a tannoy:
Would the parents of the lost child please pick him up from the meeting point? Madonna
is trying to buy him. Chris:
Would the owners of a black Jaguar please move it, as it's attacking the customers?" Hugh:
Would the man on pump #4 please remove the nozzle from the backside of the man on pump #6?" Micky:
Could the owner of the Ford Fiesta 1100 in the carpark with the tinted windows and the 'Go Faster' stripes - sort your life out, mate, will ya
Would the small boy with the owl
please stop running at the wall between platforms nine and ten?"
- Same subject in season 16:
: We welcome our guests from Weight Watchers; remember, it doesn't matter how many pastries- PAST TRIES
- Alan Cochrune's contributions to "Unlikely things to hear at Wimbledon":
"What a fantastic slice! But I do think the All-England club will insist she wears knickers again next year."
"And the mound has taken a real pounding in the last fortnight...." (He grins guiltily since the reaction is the same as his previous entry; camera cuts to Zoe Lyons who is desperately trying to swallow her laughter) "...I think the All-England club are fine with it as long as it doesn't affect her tennis."
- Seann Walsh: "And now, Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares for the hard of hearing."
- For the 2013 Christmas special, one of the Scenes We'd Like to See topics was "Unlikely Things to Hear at Christmas Time." The crowd, as expected, responded with groans.
Dara: "Don't judge me!"
- Immediately after that, Josh Widdicombe's first joke:
Josh: "Yes, it's just what I wanted: a Seann Walsh DVD!"
- Milton Jones' spin on a holiday song:
Milton: "George Michael, you are accused of organ trafficking. Last Christmas, someone gave you their heart."
- Another with a play on words and accents:
Hugh (in Cockney accent): Ryan, when I told you to serve mulled wine to the next-door neighbors with no cloves...(beat for laughter)...put your pants back on, son.
- And last, one of the filthiest jokes ever aired on the show:
Andy: I know we said we'd take it turns with our parents, but I just don't fancy your mum.
- 2016's version was similarly hilarious, starting off with this exchange from (at the time) real-life couple Sarah Pascoe and John Robins
- James Acaster comes up with this gem.
: No, not
"calm down", Alfred! Did you hear what they were singin'? "Jingle Bells, Batman. Smells
!" That's not the original lyric! They wrote that to hurt my feelings!
- "Commercials That Never Made It To Air"
Andy: Do you ever have that bloated feeling? Why not try having a shit?
- "Unlikely Things for Andy Murray to Think" (keep in mind that Murray and his girlfriend Kim (take note, this is important) is in the audience)
Milton: (TERRIBLE Scottish accent) I remember when I used to train — (Dara admonishes him here..."What is that? He's in the room!") — I remember when I used to train in Scotland, I was a lot more unhealthy. I used to serve with a potato instead of a ball so I could have lots of chips afterwards!
Ed : Well, now that I've won Wimbledon, they'll at least stop making fun of me on television.
Hal Cruttenden: I wonder if my mom is watching. Of course she is. She's always watching.
Ed: I wish Kim would shut up. "Oh, that Ed Byrne, he's so funny!"
Andy: I think I saw Ivan Lendl raise his eyebrow. That means he's just ejaculated. (cut to Kim with her face in both hands)
Ed: Venus has the arse, Serena's got the tits.
Milton: (miming playing tennis) Why do I spend my life... hitting a fuzzy green apple... with a snowshoe?
- "Unlikely Complaints to TV Channels:
Chris: Dear Dave: Have you seen Phil? Yours, Bob.
Chris: Dear Dave ja vu: Have you seen Phil ja vu? Yours, Bob ja vu.
- "Unlikely Things to Hear on Crimewatch":
Hugh: Sometimes victims of crime don't even know they have been robbed because they use the items taken so infrequently. Take Dara Ó Briain. Burglars stole his legs six months ago.
(Dara looks down, checking if his legs are there)
John: "There was a trail of wet footprints across the crime scene... (forced smile) 'Cos one of us doesn't know what a bath mat is!"
James Acaster: "When questioned, the suspect said 'he made so many jokes about me on Mock the Week I couldn't hack it anymore'."
- "Unlikely Lines To Hear In a Kids' Film":
Miles Jupp: Mary Poppins, I arrest you on suspicion of supercalifragilisticsextrafficking.
- "Unlikely Small Ads":
Hugh: House prices falling? Debts rising? Feel like you can't quite cope? PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!
- "Things You Wouldn't Hear From a Weather Forecaster":
Russell: A hurricane tonight will be caused by low pressure and God’s hatred of homosexuality.
Hugh: Well let's go to Carol on the roof of television center. She's not meant to be there; she's just a bit depressed.
- Same subject a few seasons later...
Ed: Thanks very much, Dave. Yes, it's pretty much easy reporting on things that have already happened. Now, predicting the future.
- "The Worst Thing To Say When Running For U.S. President:"
Hugh: (with a fake Texas accent)
Hi there, I'm like George Bush
only less intelligent. Frankie:
I will never forget the terrible events of 9/12. Andy Parsons:
Yes I smoked marijuana... and I inhaled... just now... Ed Byrne:
I've got a bad one. Bad one. Whilst at college I did experiment with marijuana. I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, but I did not...in hail
. [dorky dance]
- "Things You Wouldn't Hear at a Party Conference":
Milton: Good news if you're a small mother - we are going to raise the mini-mum wage!
- "Unlikely Film Trailers":
- From series 14 episode 4, the round of "Things You Wouldn't Hear In A Science Documentary" that turned into everybody repeatedly having a go at Dara.
- From the blown light episode, "Unlikely Things on a Travel Program":
Romesh: And the wonderful thing about a trip to China is, you get the opportunity to meet the child who made your trousers. (audience reacts) Yeah, I said it!
: The weather, the accommodation, the food, all of these wonderful things help you to forget how smelly the locals are. (buzzed) Yeah, I said it!
- "Lines You Wouldn't Hear In An Action Movie":
They beat him, they kicked him, they shot him, they left him for dead. Now
... he's dead
- "Things You Wouldn't Hear on a News Programme":
Hugh Dennis: This is the first time I have reported from the Pamplona Bull Ru— FUCKING HELL! (runs back to, and past, Ed and Milton on the steps.)
- In Series 15, episode 5, during the "Rejected Exam Questions" segment of "Scenes We'd Like To See", James Acaster delivers a hilarious joke but cracks up halfway through and doesn't get to finish it. He tries twice more during the round to tell the whole thing, but on the third occasion he can't get more than a few words out.
Which of the following is a quote by Winston Churchill?
A. We will fight them on the beaches,
B. Goddamn, I love these peaches,
C. — [bursts out laughing]
- Later on, he tries again:
Which of the following is a quote by Winston Churchill?
A. We will fight them on the beaches,
B. Goddamn, I love these peaches,
Which of the following is a famou—fuck it!note
- Then, for "Unlikely Things To Hear On A Train":
James: [screaming in mock horror] AAGH!! AHH! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! ...ugh, it's tunnels, I'm so scared of tunnels.
[as James walks off, Ed Byrne is doubled over in absolute hysterics]
- Series 15, Episode 10, "Things You Wouldn't Hear In A TV Cookery Show":
Anyone can make this. [suddenly glares at the camera
] You can't, Beatrice.
] ...sorry, "you can't beat rice."
[Milton walks off looking annoyed at his "mistake", leaving the audience (and Ed Byrne) in hysterics]
- A suggestion by Sara Pascoe for "Lines you wouldn't hear on a detective show": "I shoot my gun like I shoot my load — into my hand." The reaction is so strong that Hugh steps up to the mike, thinks, then walks away.
- Hugh's eventual follow-up is decidedly more clean, but no less funny:
- On a related subject in series 16 (it says "police show" instead but the execution is identical):
- "Bad Things to Say or Do When Naked"
Frankie: Good morning, class 2B. Today, we're going to learn how to count to 21!
Jo Caulfield: Ooh, I'm a bit laden-down with this shopping. (Lifts her leg up) Could you just reach in and get my keys for me? Thanks.
- And later, we get this gloriously impromptu exchange.
: Yeah, I-I understand why I had to have gas for the... what the fuck do you call that thing? Oh, I know! Alright, again - I understand why I had to have gas for the- you know what it is? I wanted to say- Andy
: Say whatever you want to
: No, the thing in your mouth
: Cock! Jo
: It's 'cuz of- Frankie! (Frankie looks confused
) I want to say- what is that thing, root canal, but I kept thinking "anal"! I'm thinking that "It can't be anal
. Can't be anal." Frankie
: I'll be honest with you, they both hurt
- "Things You Wouldn't Read In A Romantic Novel":
(a slight delay as both Ed and Hugh negotiate the mike, then...)
Ed Byrne: I want to see you shit in this bin.
(cue everone in a brief meltdown and Dara looking like he can't breathe)
Dara: (now composed, buzzes) It does fulfill the criteria...
- "Strange Lines from a Thriller" has a lovely little Call-Back:
Rhys James: This elevator company is corrupt; and I think it goes all the way to the top!
(a few later)
Ed Byrne: You're trying to expose corruption in my elevator company? You're going down.
- Another gem from James Acaster that broke Dara during "Unlikely Film Trailers":
James: Part man. Part machine. Part bird. Part drum. Yes, it's Robo Bongo Cuckoo Cop!
- Gary Delaney on the same subject:
Thanks to a unfortunate typo, it's the most one-sided action film ever - Alan Versus Predator
- They do "Commercials that never made it to air" again in season 16, leading to a rare direct dig from Milton Jones of all people:
: (sounding sexy, kinda) Nish Kumar. (beat
) Sounds exotic. (another beat) Turns out he's just a bloke.
(camera cut to Nish laughing so hard
he can't show up the following week)
- Another reused one, "Unlikely Things for a Continuity Announcer to Say":
- "Unlikely Lines from a Blockbuster Movie". Sounds like another reused one due to dressing up the title:
- Hugh experiences an odd little interruption like everyone else anticipated the punchline:
: Imagine a world where monkeys have given up tobacco... (Beat
as everyone else laughs way too hard) Planet of the Vapes!
- Milton once again in top form:
: Thesaurus: The Movie... The Film... The Flick...
as audience laughs) The (buzzed) Motion Picture...
as he backs out) Milton
: (funny voice) I am Loki, Mischief God of Norse... Why is no one else dressed up... Oh you said "dress low-key"...
- Worth noting here is that Milton is dressed completely in green.
- Unlikely things for a vet to say has this opening salvo from Milton:
Milton: (in an absurd, high-pitched voice) Welcome to the bakery!
Cue half a minute of Corpsing from everybody, with Ed Gamble and Nish Kumar bent double at different points.