Funny / Urinating Tree – Congrats, (Team Name)!

Football

Congrats, Texas Football!

• UT tried to cheer up Houston after it was devastated by Hurricane Harvey with some good ol' Texas collegiate football. Except that the choke-jobs probably did more harm than good...
  (footage of the devastation caused by Hurricane Harvey)
  UT: Man. Hurricane Harvey has been awful for Texas. I know what will cheer them up: some college football! The Longhorns are playing the walking doormat of the Big Ten in Maryland at home as a ranked team! This should be a cakewalk.
  (footage of Texas getting run over by Maryland, 51-41)^note At the time, Maryland hadn't beaten a ranked opponent in seven years.
  UT: Damn. The board already wants Herman fired after one game. That's impressive—(door opens)
  Redneck: You think that's impressive? Look what I just did against Liberty!
  (footage of Baylor choking against Liberty, 48-45)
  Redneck: We one-upped you guys. Again!
  UT: ...you deserved it.
  Headline: RHULE QUICK TO TAKE BLAME FOR BAYLOR'S EMBARRASSMENT AGAINST LIBERTY: "THIS ONE IS ON US, THE COACHES."
  Redneck: Those were alleged crimes—(door opens; Musical Sting following Dramatic Thunder)
  Caption: A NEW CHALLENGER ENTERS THE RING!
  (footage of Texas A&M players celebrating on the way to racking up a 34-point lead over UCLA)
  Southern Gentleman: We of the A&M delegation would like you two to hold our bourbon.
  (footage of the Aggies blowing the entire 34-point lead to lose 45-44, with clips of Stu from Mrs. Doubtfire choking with an A&M logo superimposed over his face and Billy Madison yelling "YOU BLEW IT!")
  Caption: (above Texas, A&M, and Baylor logos) Conglaturation!
  UT: Jesus.
  Redneck: Gawd damn!
  Southern Gentleman: Microphone, drop. (audio feedback upon mic drop)

Congrats, Falcons! (2018 Edition)

• Tree didn't have a working microphone for this video, so had to deliver his snark with captions. He starts by reminding the Falcons that they went into this game with high expectations - and failed utterly to meet them:
  ALRIGHT, YOU CAN'T SCREW THIS ONE UP, RIGHT?
  YOU'RE FAVORED AGAINST AN INJURY-RIDDLED EAGLES SQUAD
  YOUR OFFENSE IS RETURNING THE SAME STARS AS LAST YEAR
  PHILLY IS COUGHING UP THE BALL LIKE THEY CONSUMED TUSSIN
  [Matt Ryan passes 6 yards to Devonta Freeman for a touchdown to make the score 10-6 to Atlanta]
  YOU NEED TO GET REVENGE FOR LAST YEAR'S EMBARRASSMENT
  [Inception "BWONG"] BUT YOU DIDN'T
  Vaas: Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity...
• As Tree says, "START WITH A KEANU KNEE"; Eagles quarterback Nick Foles recovers a Falcons punt and misfires a pass to tight end Zach Ertz... only for the ball to bounce off Falcons defensive back Keanu Neal's knee and into Eagles wide receiver Torrey Smith's hands, respectively accompanied by the Super Mario Bros. "Mario hitting head on unbreakable block" and "1-up" sound effects.
• The recovery gets the Eagles into field goal range, and Jake Elliott makes the 53-yard kick as the clock runs out in the second quarter; 10-9 to Atlanta. But worse is to come in the second half of the game:
  [as the Eagles smother a Falcons drive] THEN ADD A VANISHING OFFENSE
  JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER YEAR THEY'RE IN THE PLAYOFFS
  [the Eagles drive into field goal range, and Elliott kicks 37 yards to make the score Eagles 12, Falcons 10]
  ALSO THE DEFENSE CRATERS AND BENDS
  JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER YEAR
  [ding!] AND DEVONTA MISSED A BLOCK AGAIN. [a flub that results in Ryan being sacked for a 10-yard loss to end the third quarter]
  [as the Falcons fail utterly to slow down Eagles drives] CLUTCH MOMENTS? NONEXISTENT!
  IN FACT, WHAT IS A THIRD-DOWN STOP? [Elliott kicks a 21-yard field goal to make the score Eagles 15, Falcons 10]
• But the gap is only five points and the Falcons have the ball on the Eagles' 9-yard line with 1:19 left. Redemption is within their grasp... until they remind us why Tree nicknames them "Definition of Insanity".
  [Super Mario Bros. "Time's running out!" music]
  SARKISIAN PLAYCALLING 101
  PLAY 1: PASS THE BALL [Ryan passes to Julio Jones... who misses the ball]
  PLAY 2: PASS THE BALL [Ryan tries to pass to Terron Ward, but the pass is incomplete again]
  PLAY 3: BE FORCED TO PASS THE BALL [Ryan passes to Jones for a 7-yard gain]
  PLAY 4: PASS THE BALL... BY PUTTING A FULLBACK IN A SLOT AND WITH A ROLLOUT PLAY. GENIUS. [Ryan passes to Jones again... and Jones misses the ball again]
• And so, as the "Victory" theme from the arcade version of Mortal Kombat (1992) plays on the soundtrack, Tree puts up another mock MK victory screen, and ends with another Call-Back to "The Atlanta Falcons: A Legacy of Failure":
  CONGLATURATION! THE FALCONS UNDERACHIEVED YET AGAIN! THE LEGACY OF FAILURE IS STILL SECURE AND STRONG!
  EVEN IN WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THEIR BRIGHTEST MOMENT, THE FALCONS WERE ONCE AGAIN STYMIED BY AN OLD FOE THAT HAD THWARTED THEM IN YEARS PAST, NO THANKS TO THEMSELVES. [on the Eagles' first down, the Falcons are slapped with a 5-yard encroachment penalty, putting the game completely beyond them]
  THE CITY OF ATLANTA ADDS YET ANOTHER NOTCH OF TORTURE AND MISERY TO THEIR SPORTS BELT. THE FALCONS AND FAILURE ONCE AGAIN COMBINE TO BRING ABOUT DESTRUCTION. HAVE A NICE DAY. [footage of the Eagles' post-game locker room celebrations]
  UT: Only a brick wall could stop you... its name is "the Eagles". ^note And unlike either of the two previous times as mentioned previously, this time, the Eagles actually went on to win the Super Bowl.

Congrats, Steelers!

• UT showed the Steelers no mercy, as this was less a satirical ribbing on their defeat and more of a long-winded "The Reason You Suck" Speech to the entire organization.
  UT: [as Tommy Bohanon catches a 14-yard pass from Blake Bortles to give the Jaguars a 42-28 lead] Told you. I told you. I've been telling you this would happen for weeks now. But did any of you listen? All you kept saying was that I had "an agenda", that I had "an axe to grind". Well, where are you now? Don't get me wrong, I take no pride in being right about this. It was just something I came to expect. I saw it with them constantly playing down to teams, I saw it with all of the drama, fuck, I saw it when Jacksonville beat their asses back in Week 5! Once again, ego was this team's downfall. The absolute ARROGANCE of this squad from top to bottom, coaches to benchwarmers, was on full display all season long! Every fucking time that I would hear these fuckers open their mouths, it was about how they were going to get back at New England, last year was just a fluke, they were going to go to Foxborough and kick their asses and prove how great they really are! Well, guess what, you didn't even fucking get to them. You got completely fucking owned on your home field by the fucking Bologna Sandwich Man! But you know what? With how all you little shits treated James Harrison on his way out, how you sniped him at every waking moment, it's time for the cannons to be turned back on you. Two can play at this game, motherfuckers, and this mockingbird doesn't exactly sing!
  • During his rant, Tree refers to Ben Roethlisberger as 'Captain Fat Fuck'.
  • After laying into Mike Mitchell for nearly a full minute, he then claims to have "caught up with" him:
    (cut to: Stock Footage of a dumpster fire)
    UT: Oh look, I have Mitchell right here! I know it's a burning pile of trash, but WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?!!!

Congrats, Saints!

• After the Saints' shocking last-second loss to the Vikings thanks to the Minneapolis Miracle play, UT declares them "The Biggest LOLcows of the Postseason", complete with pageant-style musical number.
• Tree gives Saints safety Marcus Williams' botched tackle that led to Stefon Diggs' winning touchdown for the Vikings a "10/10 form! Such grace! So elegant!"
• Tree mentions that Saints fans are burning effigies of Williams and head coach Sean Payton on Bourbon Street (Williams for the missed tackle; Payton for wasting two timeouts on back-to-back challenges in the fourth quarter on plays that were ultimately upheld by the refs).
  UT: I hear Witness Protection has a few spots that just opened up! See you next year, Saints!
• The end of the video:
  UT: (singing) Here's to you, the biggest LOLcows of the Postseason! (fade to black as the Conglaturation, Saints! logo appears; switches to normal voice as wall-punching is heard in the background) WHY MUST I ALWAYS BE WRONG?! WHY, WHY, WHY?!^ExplanationIn yet another example of one of Tree's predictions aging poorly, his "Hater's Guide to the 2017-18 Playoffs" video had him predicting the Saints to make the Super Bowl. For added humor, his "Congrats, Steelers!" video from earlier that same day (see above), had ended with him complaining about always being right all the time.
  cow pops up from the bottom of the screen as mooing is heard in background

Congrats, Patriots!

• Much of the video is set to the climax of Star Wars: A New Hope, with Bill Belichick as Grand Moff Tarkin, Carson Wentz as Red Leader, Nick Foles as Luke Skywalker, the Philadelphia Eagles as the Rebels, Tom Brady as Darth Vader, and Eli Manning as Han Solo.
  • During the "Use the Force, Luke!" moment, it instead plays Tree's prediction that the Eagles will lose, prompting Luke (with a headshot of Nick Foles superimposed over his face) to hit a button playing the "NOPE!" sound effect.
  • When the Eagles bat down the ball on the last play and secure the win, the Death Star blows up, prompting a cry of "The son of a bitch did it!"
  • After Philadelphia wins, it cuts to random scenes of destruction from the resulting victory riots, along with Carson Wentz as the ghost of Anakin Skywalker at the end of Return of the Jedi.
  • The footage is sometimes interspersed with EDP at the Super Bowl during the final seconds, including a shot of EDP crying when the Eagles win, along with the triumphant soundtrack from the Ewoks' victory celebration.

Die, Eagles, Die! - 2019 Heartbreak Edition (AKA: Congrats, Eagles)

• With the Eagles' Super Bowl title defence having died in the Superdome in the NFC Divisional Round, Tree engages in a bit of shout-singing and gravedancing over an instrumental version of "Fly, Eagles, Fly":
  [the lyrics appear at the bottom of the screen throughout]
  UT: DIE, EAGLES, DIE
  ON THE ROAD TO AGONY
  FILL US WITH LIFE
  WITH A FOURTEEN-NOTHING LEAD [sure enough, the Eagles storm to a 14-0 lead in the first quarter...]
  WATCH THEM BLOW [... that is soon cut to 14-10...]
  WATCH THEM WRITHE
  AND KILL OFF BIG DICK NICK [... then the Saints take a 17-14 lead, then a 20-14 lead...]
  THANK YOU, ALSHON [... and as the Eagles sit on the Saints' 27-yard line with two minutes left, wide receiver Alshon Jeffery lets a pass slip through his hands, with Saints DB Marshon Lattimore waiting directly behind him to pick the ball off]
  PLEASE GO HIT FREE AGENCY [a very long list of potential Eagles free agents appears, headed by "Possibly Nick Foles"]
  I! G! G! L! E! S! IGGLES!^note How "Eagles" sounds when pronounced by a Philadelphia native with a very noticeable accent
  [footage of eatdatpussy445 reacting badly to the loss]
  Caption: [under an Eagles logo] Conglaturation!

Congrats, Saints! (2020)

• Tree's feeling clickbaity today. It's time for the Saints' "Most Painful Eliminations of the Day"!
  • Number 6: "Welcome to Beast Mode" — Accompanied by the Super Mario Bros. "Starman" theme, the Seattle Seahawks' Marshawn Lynch scores the "Beast Quake" touchdown late in the 4th quarter of the 2010-11 Wild Card game, breaking nine tackles in the process (with each tackle accompanied by such sound effects as "Invincible Mario knocks enemy aside" from Super Mario Bros. and the Engineer's "NOPE!" from Team Fortress 2). The Super Mario Bros. "Bowser defeated!" music plays as Lynch steps into the end zone.
  • Number 5: "Buckle-roni: The San Francisco Treat" — In the 2011-12 Divisional game, the San Francisco 49ers' Alex Smith passes to Vernon Smith twice in the last minute, the second time for the touchdown (accompanied by the Final Fantasy VI version of the series' classic "Victory!" fanfare). "You blew it!" indeed.
  • Number 4: Marques Colston throws an illegal forward pass beyond the line of scrimmage in the last seconds of the 2013-14 Divisional playoffs, resulting in a penalty and a ten second runoff, giving the win to the Seahawks.
    UT: Marques Colston! Who likes to throw more than football games! ["BOO! You suck!"] (See what I did there?)
  • Number 3: "Marcus Williams and the Disconnected Controller" — it's the Minneapolis Miracle in the 2017-18 Divisional game! Stefon Diggs brushes by Williams on his way to scoring the game-winning touchdown for the Minnesota Vikings.
  • Number 2: "In Which the Saints get Fucked by Refball" — but rather than focusing on the controversial no-call, the focus is on Brees' intercepted pass in overtime of the 2018-19 NFC Championship to the Los Angeles Rams' John Johnson and the resulting Rams field goal.
  • And finally, Number 1:
    UT: Being a heavy favorite against the Vikings, only to sink lower than the city is below sea level. Prepare yourselves for having absolutely no answers for the Vikings' defense. Don't put Sean Payton in a watch store because he can't manage a clock to save his goddamn life. Drew Brees needs another ring, and that's why he's going to throw into double coverage and cough up the football. [the Sonic the Hedgehog "Sonic gets hit and loses his rings" sound effect plays as Brees gets hit and loses the football] Will people focus on the Saints' insufficient play, no it's on those damn overtime rules! They need to be changed! It's called a team game for a reason.
    Caption: THE SAINTS GOT THE BALL FIRST IN OVERTIME LAST YEAR. LET'S IGNORE THAT, THOUGH.
    UT: If your defense can't stop a 75-yard drive when it matters, you don't deserve the chance at offense. Also the touchdown was borderline due to a lot of contact between both defender and receiver. Review the play? What, and bruise the refs' egos? The team that bitched to get the rule instituted was screwed by the same rule they petitioned for.
    Caption: [over footage of the game winning touchdown] MARCUS WILLIAMS AGAIN. DUDE IS A LIVING POSTER FOR THE VIKINGS.^note Ironically, the Saints defender on the play wasn't Marcus, but PJ Williams
    UT: If that ain't irony then I'm not a total fucking asshole. Who dat? Failures.
    Kirk Cousins^note Vikings quarterback: [after the game, in the locker room] I got three words for you: You like that?
    [Vikings players are heard cheering]
    Caption: [under the Saints' logo] Conglaturation!
  Like 9th century England, the Saints have no answer for the Vikings.

Congrats, Ravens! (2020)

• The video compares the Ravens' implosion in the Divisional round to the Chernobyl explosion, inter-cutting footage from the HBO series with highlights of the Tennessee Titans' road victory. And if you listen carefully, the "FUCK YOU, BALTIMORE!" snippet from Big Bill Hell's can be heard a couple times throughout as well.

Congrats, Texans! (2020)

• This video is mostly Tree ripping Texans coach Bill O'Brien for terrible coaching that saw his team to go from a 24-0 lead in the Divisional Round against the Kansas City Chiefs to a 51-31 loss, including having said lead disappear in ten minutes before halftime. To put in perspective just how angry Tree truly was, instead of the usual "Conglaturation!" at the end, it says "Wow! You suck!"

Congrats, Seahawks! (2021)

• The Seahawks are depicted as a failing cook in one of Gordon Ramsay's shows, ending with the Seahawks' character being stripped of his chef's jacket.

Congrats, Steelers! (2021)

• Once again, Tree shows the Steelers no mercy after their Wild Card loss to the Cleveland Browns, for the team's first playoff win in over two decades.

A Chief Equation on How to Lose the Super Bowl (AKA: "Congrats, Chiefs (2021)")

• UT explains the self-inflicted ways the Chiefs lost, with the offensive line doing no favors for Patrick Mahomes and a general lack of discipline being a large part of their undoing.
  • (Referring to the Chief's heavy aerial offense):
    UT: Remember PEMDAS!
    Caption: PASSING EVERY MOTHERFUCKING DOWN AMPLIFIES STRUGGLES
  • Then at the end:
    UT: The final solution to the Chief equation? [Antonio Brown's "Whole Lotta Money" plays in the background] Antonio Brown and Ndamukong Suh are Super Bowl champions. All of Pittsburgh is now dead. [cuts to UT's livestream of the game]
    Caption: TONIGHT... ON WHERE'S MY LIQUOR?
    UT: Fucking Antonio Brown! Give me one second. [moves away from the camera, screaming]
    Caption: [under the Chiefs' logo] Conglaturation!
    Second Caption: STAY SALTY, YINZER

San Francisco 49ers vs. Dallas Cowboys (January 16, 2022) - The Greatest (Playoff) Game

• The entire video is a long Congratulations video primarily directed at the undisciplined Cowboys, with some criticism towards the 49ers for nearly blowing the game as well. In the end, Steven A. Smith laughs at Cowboys fans for their team's ineptitude.

The Scorpion and The Frog, Starring the Green Bay Packers and Tennessee Titans

• A two-in-one Congrats video involving Tree's retelling of a classic fable, with both divisional number ones representing the frog while the Green Bay special teams unit and Ryan Tannehill respectively represent the scorpion. With the former keeping opponents in far too much and the latter not able to carry the team with Derrick Henry out with injury, there was skepticism that the two teams would take them through, but they went ahead anyways. It ended tragically for all parties of course, because it's in those weaknesses' nature to suck.
• When going over the Packers' scorpion sting:
  UT: Worst of all, on the San Francisco field goal that ended them, they only had ten players on the field, after they had called a time out. [the laughter taunt accompanied by "You played two hours to die like this?"] Their scorpions stung them in brutal fashion, since this was their last chance to make that crossing. [Cosmo Kramer says "You blew it boy! You really blew it!"]

Broncos Country, Let's Ride!

• Simply consisted of a montage of footage and headlines accompanying the Denver Broncos' 2022 season, accompanied by the initially optimistic Brandon Perna glowing over the Russell Wilson trade before it gave way to hopelessness.

Congrats, Ravens! (2023)

• Tree does a reading of The Raven, only replacing the moments that drive the narrator to madness with the problems that the Ravens got through the year, and perhaps even before hand. And in place of the lost Lenore, we have the saga of the Lamar Jackson contract holdout.

Congrats, Cowboys! (2023)

• Like with the Broncos video months earlier, Tree elects to humiliate another one of his Clickbait Sports co-hosts, this time playing Scooter Magruder's rant in the preceding episode about how the Cowboys would defeat the San Francisco 49ers in the Divisional Round over highlights of the 49ers' ensuing victory. The video closes with a Smash Cut to Krusty the Clown going "What the hell was that?!"

Congrats, Dolphins! (2024)

• Given that it's a Wild Card matchup between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Miami Dolphins, Tree used the South Park scene of that very matchup where the latter got brutally slaughtered by naginata-wielding Japanese men to represent how badly the Dolphins got thrashed.

Congrats, Cowboys! (2024)

• Tree's video on the Packers beating the Cowboys was literally just three minutes of him laughing his ass off, and you just can't help but laugh with him. And to top it off, his tweet about the video being ready came out before the game had even finished.

Die, Eagles, Die! (2024)

• Tree sings an off-key parody of the Fly, Eagles, Fly song, complete with the I-G-G-L-E-S spelling^note once again, poking fun at the Philadelphia accent pronunciation. And then he ends the video saying, "You guys fucking suck. I called you guys merely shit, I might have been nice to you fuckers."
  Caption: [under an Eagles logo] Wow! You're pathetic!
• The credits for the song had it under "10-1 Records", given the utter collapse where they only won one game since the point in question: a home struggle against a bad Giants team before losing to the same team two weeks later.

The Steelers Hired Arthur Smith as OC

• For Tree's own team, he did give a Congrats video after their playoff loss, but not for the game itself. It was because for offensive coordinator, they decided to hire...
  UT: Arthur Smith. The Steelers hired Arthur Smith as their offensive coordinator. 'Scuse me for one second. [proceeds to move away from the mic] FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- [cue a We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties card]

Baseball

Congrats, Rockies! (2017)

• The video opens up with the 2017 NL Wild Card Game between the Colorado Rockies (dubbed as the enemy troops looking to surrender unconditionally) and the Arizona Diamondbacks (dubbed as "the men of the 9th Bearded Infantry") being narrated in the style of The Simpsons during a Civil War reenactment battle. It showed off the highlights of the Diamondbacks winning 11-8 over the Rockies that match... with highlights including a kid crying out "Stop! Stop! He's already dead!" at the sight of what the Diamondbacks were doing to the Rockies, a wail of pain toward the exclamation point run the Diamondbacks did, and kids clapping in shock and awe over what the Diamondbacks did that match (with the expected "CONGLATURATION!" on top), with the Colorado Rockies (played by a beaten up burglar) saying his final words before "dying" on the spot (and the line "Way to waste that hitting performance." below it).

Congrats, Indians!

• A montage of the Cleveland Indians choking in the 2017 American League Divisional Series, set to the Crying Indian commercial and "Indians".

Congrats, Dodgers!

• With the Dodgers losing their first World Series appearance since 1988, Tree pokes fun at their star pitcher's postseason woes in "The Many Faces of Clayton Kershaw", to the tune of the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme tune:
  [in Game 1 of the 2009 NLCS, the Philadelphia Phillies' Carlos Ruiz homers to left field to give the Phillies a 3-1 lead]
  BEWILDERMENT
  [moving to the 2013 NLCS, where the St. Louis Cardinals score 2 runs in Game 6 on a base hit by Shane Robinson]
  STUNNED DISBELIEF
  [the next year, Kershaw gives up a double to the Cardinals' Matt Carpenter to give the Cardinals a 7-6 lead in Game 1 of the NLDS]
  DESPAIR
  [Kershaw gives up a three-run homer to the Cardinals' Matt Adams in Game 4]
  EATS SALAD
  [in the 2015 NLDS, Kershaw gives up a home run to Daniel Murphy of the New York Mets to open the scoring in Game 1]
  MEETING THE METS
  [in 2016, the Chicago Cubs' Anthony Rizzo homers off of Kershaw to extend the Cubs' lead in Game 6 of the NLCS to 5-0]
  TAKES THE L
  [in the 2017 World Series, Kershaw gives up a three-run home run to the Houston Astros' Yuli Gurriel, tying the game at 4 apiece]
  TOO GOOD RIGHT NOW
• To the accompaniment of the Super Mario Bros. "Time's running out!" music clip, a new challenger appears! The Curb Your Enthusiasm theme tune speeds up accordingly, and as more clips of this new challenger failing appear the Running Gags run out the clock:
  YUUUUUUUUUUU!
  Yu Blew It!
• The icing on the cake is a reminder of Tree's prediction of the Series' outcome — one which, as future predictions would show, would be unusual for its accuracy:
  UT: In this regard, I firmly believe the Dodgers' pitching staff is the hot hand. They have effectively stifled several outstanding hitting corps so far this postseason with no signs of letting up...
  [the Super Mario Bros. "Bowser defeated!" sting plays over footage of the final out of Game 7]
  UT: But it's logic, the Dodgers' pitching will completely fall apart and the Astros will win in seven games.
  Caption: [over the Dodgers' logo] Conglaturation!
  [the Super Mario Bros. ending music plays over the Astros' celebrations]
  UT: Fuck you, Spanos!

Congrats, Indians! (2018 Edition)

• The video opens up with Call Backs to the Indians blowing a 3-1 lead in the 2016 World Series and then choking in Game 5 of the 2017 ALDS, after which the bulk of the video is devoted to them getting almost effortlessly swept by the Astros in the 2018 ALDS, accompanied by the "Lacrimosa" from Mozart's Requiem. But the funniest part is the sting in the tail; the "Conglaturation!" screen appears with over 20 seconds left in the video. Fade to black, and...
  STAY TUNED FOR A SPECIAL PRESENTATION OF CONGRATS, ROCKIES!
  [six seconds pass]
  EXHILARATING, ISN'T IT?
  IT'S JUST LIKE THE ROCKIES PERFORMANCE IN THE NLDS:
  NOTHING.
  [under a Rockies logo] Conglaturation!^note The Rockies were swept by the Brewers in the NLDS, and managed just two runs in the entire series - both in the ninth inning of Game 1.

No, Cubs, No - Steve Bartman and the Billy Goat Band (AKA: Congrats, Cubs)

• The video is an actual song dedicated to lampooning the Cubs collapse late in the season. The cherry on top, however, is that the official MLB YouTube account commented on it.
  MLB: lol

Congrats, Yankees!

• The video uses clips from The Patriot (2000) to frame the ALDS meeting between the Yankees and the Red Sox as a battle between the Continental Army and the Redcoats. Game 2, the Yankees' only victory, is represented by musket fire from the Continental Army, followed by a clip of Benjamin Martin (Mel Gibson) with a Yankees logo over his face muttering, "That Gates is a damn fool. Going muzzle to muzzle with the Redcoats in open field. It's madness." Game 3 is represented as a Redcoat counterattack, with the film's notorious cannonball decapitation shot superimposing "16-1"^note The final score in Game 3, the heaviest postseason defeat in Yankees history; to add insult to injury, they had home field advantage. over the cannonball, accompanied by "Fatality!" and Martin saying, "This battle was over before it began." Finally, Game 4 is shown as a Redcoat cavalry charge to "New York, New York", and after the final out gives the Red Sox a 4-3 victory, Cornwallis (with a Red Sox logo on his face) grumbles, "These rustics are so inept. Nearly takes the honour out of victory. Nearly."^note The premise is also a nod to the perception in the eyes of most fans of the other 28 MLB teams, including Tree himself, that Yankees-Red Sox series are Evil Versus Evil. Summed up in the description: "We are all Red Sox fans... for about five seconds, then we hope for you to be crushed in the next round as well."

Congrats, Dodgers! (2018)

• Another year, another Dodgers defeat in the World Series. Cue the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme tune, it's time for more Clayton Kershaw memes in "Many More Faces of Clayton Kershaw"...
  [Brewers relief pitcher Brandon Woodruff hits a home run off Kershaw in Game 1 of the NLCS]
  DRINKING THE BREW
  [later in the game, pinch hitter Domingo Santana hits a two-run single off Kershaw]
  ROOFIED BY CHEESHEADS
  [World Series Game 1, bottom of the first inning; the Red Sox' Andrew Benintendi hits a single off Kershaw that gets Mookie Betts home]
  BOSTON STRONGED
  [later in the inning, J.D. Martinez hits a single that gets Benintendi home]
  COMPARABLE TO MADBUM?
  [in the fifth inning, Benintendi hits another single off Kershaw, who is promptly relieved as pitcher]
  DOING DAMAGE TO LA'S COLLECTIVE LIVER
  [fast forward to Game 5, with the Dodgers trailing 3-1 in the series; in the top of the first, Steve Pearce hits a two-run homer off Kershaw]
  DEJA VU
  [top of the sixth inning; Kershaw gives up another home run to Betts]
  LET'S JUST BLAME RYAN MADSON
  [top of the seventh inning; Kershaw gives up yet another home run, this one to Martinez]
  THE DIRTY MACHADO
  [in the bottom of the second inning, Red Sox pitcher David Price strikes out Austin Barnes]
  RIP DAVID PRICE MEMES
• With Yu Darvish no longer a Dodger, the mantle of joining with Kershaw to destroy the Dodgers' World Series aspirations is passed to manager Dave Roberts. Cue the Super Mario Bros. "Time's running out!" music, and a sped up Curb Your Enthusiasm theme...
  DAVE ROBERTS OVERMANAGER 2018!
  [in the bottom of the seventh in Game 1, Eduardo Nunez hits a home run off Alex Wood]
  LET'S PLAY PERCENTAGES!
  [fart noise] DERP
  [in Game 2, Ryan Madson walks Steve Pearce... with the bases loaded, getting Christian Vazquez home]
  RYAN MADSON, ALWAYS
  [fart noise] HE DIDN'T SUCK LAST YEAR
  [on the very next pitch, Martinez hits a line drive to right field that gets both Betts and Benintendi home]
  THE BURNING BRIDGES OF MADSON COUNTY
  [over a shot of the Dodgers' dugout, one team member with his head in his arms] [fart noise] LA'S COLLECTIVE EXPRESSION
  [in the bottom of the seventh, Betts hits a double off Kenta Maeda]
  NEEDS MORE SOULS
  [over a shot of Red Sox fans] [fart noise] GET IN YOUR SHELTERS
  [in the top of the seventh inning in Game 4, Mitch Moreland hits a three-run homer off Madson, slashing the Dodgers' lead from 4-0 to 4-3]
  STARTING PITCHER THROWING A ONE-HITTER? THROW IN MADSON AGAIN!
  [over a reaction shot of a dejected Rich Hill, the starting pitcher in question] [fart noise] POOR BASTARD
  [eighth inning; Martinez hits another home run, this one off Kenley Jansen]
  KENLEY JANSEN IN THE EIGHTH INNING!
  [fart noise] COUNSELL-ITIS
  [ninth inning; Pearce hits another home run, this one off Kenta Maeda]
  THIRD PITCHER IN THE INNING, BECAUSE FUCK EVERYTHING
  [fart noise] GET FIRED, DAVE
  Simpsons anchor: [points at screen] You stupid...! [trails off laughing]
  [the Red Sox' Craig Kimbrel gets Cody Bellinger out on a fly ball to end Game 4, 9-6 to Boston]
  [fart noise] YEP, GET FIRED
• Finally, Tree points out that much worse might come for the Dodgers:
  [the Super Mario Bros. "Bowser defeated!" sting plays over footage of the last out of Game 5]
  UT: Oh, but Dodgers, you have yourselves a nice consolation prize for your efforts.
  Caption: [as the Red Sox' Chris Sale strikes out Dodger Manny Machado] EAT SHIT, MACHADO
  Caption: [under the Dodgers' logo] Conglaturation!
  [the Super Mario Bros. ending music plays over the Red Sox celebrations]
  UT: You remember that little thing about being probed for your teams' actions in Latin America? Turns out you might have violated federal law.
  Headline: THE DODGERS MIGHT BE IN ACTUAL LEGAL TROUBLE
  UT: What happened to the Braves could be a mere slap on the wrist compared to what happens to you fuckers. The US government might be coming for blood. You guys might have triggered RICO. You are fucked.
  Caption: I WISH I WAS BEING HYPERBOLIC
  UT: And I'm not just saying that to be an edgelord, you might be legitimately fucked. Pray to whatever gods you have that this shit blows over because this could be getting ugly. Here's to making that marathon Game 3 completely irrelevant.^note Those prayers evidently worked: MLB and the US government decided not to investigate the Dodgers, and the Astros and Red Sox were later implicated in their own scandal, one that resulted in the suspensions and later firings of the Astros' General Manager and field Manager and later the firing of the Red Sox field Manager.
  Caption: AT LEAST DAVE ROBERTS CAN OVERMANAGE THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE?

Congrats, Orioles! (2019)

• UT does this in the style of the Big Bill Hell's video, right down to the original text slides^note Only the "Challenge Pissing" slide is omitted, as Tree uses the term "Challenge Hitting" and the original background music^note "Deadline" from Network Music Ensemble. And then:
  UT: You guys do realize you guys just broke the single-season record for most home runs allowed and it's not even the final week of August, right? And conveniently on the anniversary of 30 to 3 as well. Trying to migrate to the Inner Harbor to drown, I see?
  Bugs Bunny: I'll get up there and WHAM! [one such home run] A homer! WHAM! [another one] Another homer! [a string of other home runs at the Orioles' expense] WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! ["Boo, you suck"]
  Caption: [under the Orioles logo] Conglaturation!

$400 Million Reasons to Die (AKA: Congrats, Phillies!)

• A bright start for Philadelphia in 2018 was followed by a humiliating collapse after the All-Star break, leaving the Phillies a game below .500 at the end of the season. Things have to change, right?...
  • Tree starts by reminding his viewers of the sad side of 2018, with a black and white montage of a routing by the Rockies and losses at Citizens Bank Park to the Nationals (in extra innings) and the Braves. The solution? Spend, spend, spend:
    UT: Did you hate last year's epic collapse? [superimposition of a building being imploded] Did you want to die after finishing under .500 yet again? Don't worry, because you now have 400 million reasons not to! It's the slow winter of discontent in the City of Brotherly Love. Ownership and the fanbase alike has grown impatient with the stench of "Ruin Tomorrow Jr."^note A common disparaging nickname for Rubén Amaro Jr., who was the Phillies' general manager from 2008-2015. A new mark has to be made. The shopping spree would begin. [the video switches to colour for the ensuing montage] Let's start ourselves off in the reliever aisle with David Robertson!
    Caption: [accompanied by a vintage cash register's "Ch-ching!"] $23 MILLION GUARANTEED
    UT: The former MVP section for a little Andrew McCutchen.
    Caption: ["Ch-ching!"] $50 MILLION GUARANTEED
    UT: Here's the West Coast Island for a nice Jean Segura.
    Caption: ["Ch-ching!"] $60.4 MILLION GUARANTEED
    UT: The Miami liquidation sale got them this mint condition J.T. Realmuto-
    Caption: ["Nope!"] PROBABLY GOING TO BE PAID HANDSOMELY
    UT: -but they need icing on the cake... something to assert themselves... [Ethereal Choir] Oh my God, that's it. Bryce Harper. The face of their revival. What's the price tag here, [glass breaking] an extra crack on the Liberty Bell!?
    Caption: $330 MILLION GUARANTEED
    UT: Fine! It's worth it! The time is theirs to secure the NL East!... Please?...
  • But footage of the Phillies getting thrashed by the Cubs at Wrigley Field heralds the unfortunate truth: the big signings mostly underperformed, and they got no help from their teammates or the management.
    UT: Unfortunately, this is now why you have 400 million reasons to die. David Robertson gets injured in April.
    Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!", Stock Scream of pain] PHILLIES PLACE DAVID ROBERTSON ON INJURED LIST WITH SORE ELBOW
    UT: Never returns. Andrew McCutchen ended up getting recalled due to a torn ACL.
    Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!", Stock Scream of agony] PHILLIES' ANDREW MCCUTCHEN OUT FOR REMAINDER OF 2019 SEASON WITH TORN ACL
    UT: Thank Jean Segura for not running out a pop-up.^note In the first inning of a game in San Diego with McCutchen on first base after a leadoff walk, Segura hit a pop-up toward second base; the Padres' Ian Kinsler let the ball drop to get Segura out at first, and McCutchen twisted his knee awkwardly as he tried to avoid being tagged out in the ensuing rundown. The Phillies went on to lose 8-2. Jake Arrieta's not only alleged of PED usage in a past life, he's also alleged of not being a pitcher.
    Headline: JAKE ARRIETA BECOMING $75M LETDOWN IS BIGGER PHILLIES PROBLEM THAN BRYCE HARPER
    UT: Maikel Franco shows up... like... once every ten games.
    Headline: PHILLIES NOTEBOOK: MAIKEL FRANCO DEMOTED AS MORE VERSATILE SEAN RODRIGUEZ KEEPS JOB
    UT: Odubel Herrera decided the only thing he liked hitting are women.
    Headline: PHILLIES OUTFIELDER ODUBEL HERRERA SUSPENDED FOR REST OF SEASON OVER DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ARREST
    UT: Rhys Hoskins just doesn't like hitting anything.
    Headline: RHYS HOSKINS THINKS HE'S 'ONE SWING AWAY' FROM SNAPPING HIS FUNK. THE PHILLIES HOPE SO.
    UT: Remember how much Héctor Neris sucked? Good news, he's your best reliever and still sketchy as hell.
    Headline: PHILLIES MANAGER GABE KAPLER ON HIS JOB STATUS: 'I THINK I GAVE US A GREAT CHANCE TO WIN'
    Caption: ERM... NO
    UT: Gabe Kapler too smart for his own good! Or at least you would think. Hiring a pitching coach with no experience coaching pitchers.
    Headline: PHILLIES PITCHING COACH CHRIS YOUNG IN DANGER OF LOSING HIS POSITION
    UT: Bullpen and lineup management under the logic of your computer overlords. This apparently includes giving a regular role to Sean Rodriguez.
    Headline: SEAN RODRIGUEZ CALLS PHILLIES FANS 'ENTITLED' FOR BOOING SLUMPING PLAYERS AFTER HITTING WALKOFF HOMER
    UT: The computer's AI is probably Charlie Manuel. By the way, say "hi" to your new hitting coach.
    Headline: CHARLIE MANUEL TAKES OVER AS PHILLIES HITTING COACH
    UT: As for the golden goose, Bryce Harper? Well, he's all right. Decent numbers, not a total liability on the field. Here's the problem: you don't pay $330 million for "all right".
    Headline: BRYCE HARPER LOST A BREAKUP ABOUT AS BADLY AS YOU CAN LOSE A BREAKUP
    UT: Dude only had about two clutch hits all year. Here's one of them. [Harper hits a two-run double in the bottom of the ninth against the Dodgers to hand the Phillies a 9-8 win]^note As if to add insult to injury, the Phillies finished twelve games behind Harper's former team in the Nationals... who proceeded to win the World Series for the first time in franchise history.
  • So where has all of this spending left Philadelphia?
    UT: Let's take a live look at Phillies management reacting to this team's destruction!
    [footage from the Game of Thrones episode "The Bells" of Cersei, with a Phillies logo superimposed over her face below the caption "Matt Klentak", watching Drogon, who has the word "Reality" superimposed over him, raining fire on King's Landing, various parts of which have "Bandaids to pitching staff", "Situational hitting", and "NL Playoff hopes" superimposed over them]
    UT: This is why you don't forget about the pitching when making those moves! Fourth place in the NL East! A bitter disappointment of a season! Even better, there's still a good chance they won't finish over .500!^note And they didn't; they finished exactly on .500.
    Headline: WITH OWNER WATCHING, GASPING PHILLIES FALL TO .500 MARK FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS SEASON
    UT: Want to not suck the life out of your fans? How about not losing to Miami so frequently?^note The Marlins may have finished dead last in the National League at 57-105, but they won ten of their 19 games against Philadelphia, including the final game of the season that condemned the Phillies to a .500 record. [as pitcher Jared Hughes runs toward the mound] Look out, here comes the anti-clutch! [over footage of a dejected J.T. Realmuto shaking his head] We're as disappointed as you are, J.T. We can only hope people are fired, but probably not. Tune in next year when the Phillies learn absolutely nothing and throw a shitload of money at Gerrit Cole and Anthony Rendon. And then see someone like Carlos Santana return to form on a different team. [footage of Santana hitting a solo homer for the Indians against the Twins] I mean, it's not a Philly issue?...
    [the Mets' Pete Alonso hits a single to left field; through haphazard fielding, the Phillies allow Sam Haggerty to get home and give New York a 3-2 lead in the bottom of the eighth inning]^note The Mets went on to win the game 5-4.
    Caption: [under a Phillies logo] Conglaturation!
    UT: ... oh, wait, it is.
    [Test Pattern]

No, Cubs, No! (2019 Edition)

• Much like the first one in 2018, he sings about how their season utterly collapsed late and allowed the St. Louis Cardinals and Milwaukee Brewers to pass them for playoff spots. This time, the vocals were deliberately awful and was cut off before completing:
  UT: ♫Fundamental lapses, total collapse!♫
  ♫The bullpen's overtaxed and gassed!♫
  ♫Oh, there's another home run blast,♫
  ♫Given up by-♫ (stops singing) Oh right, your savior!
  [cuts to video of the announcement of Saddam Hussein's capture, with a Cubs logo over Paul Bremer's head as Bremer says "Ladies and gentleman, we got him!" accompanied by a headline of the Cubs acquiring pitcher Craig Kimbrel for a 3-year, $42 mil contract, followed by footage of him allowing homers, accompanied by a caption of $14 MILLION PER YEAR, headlines of his injuries to the knee and elbow, another caption of RUSH HIM BACK FROM INJURY AGAIN, and with "Baby I'm Yours" by Breakbot behind the footage]
  UT: Seriously, how? There are implosions and then there's this! [alongside a graph showing how the chances took a nosedive after a 76.5% playoff chance on September 16 with a caption of JUST LOOK AT IT]
  Caption: (under a Cubs logo) Conglaturation!
  UT: Someone shoot this zombie of a team in the head, would you please?

Congrats, Dodgers! (2019)

• In a similar vein to "Congrats, Steelers!" and "Congrats, Lightning! (2019)", Tree eviscerates the Dodgers for their collapse in the 2019 NLDS to the Washington Nationals. And then the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme tune plays, marking the beginning of PLAYOFF KERSHAW: A BOUNTY FOR THE OPPOSITION:
  [With the bases loaded, Howie Kendrick singles off Kershaw in the first inning of Game 2, scoring Trea Turner]
  ALREADY?
  [Adam Eaton lines a single to left center field, scoring Victor Robles]
  COULD YOU WAIT, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES?
  [Anthony Rendon hits a double off the outfield wall at Dodger Stadium, sending Eaton home]
  AT LEAST YOU HAVE BUEHLER
  [In the fifth inning of Game 5, with the Dodgers leading 3-0, Walter Buehler strikes out Stephen Strasburg on a foul bunt]
  WHAT A GAME FIVE
  [Eaton flies out to end the top of the 5th]
  THEY'RE BRINGING IN KERSHAW, AREN'T THEY?
  [Rendon hits a home run off of Clayton Kershaw in the top of the 8th, to reduce the Nats' deficit to one run]
  PREDICTABLE
  [Juan Soto homers to right field to tie the game]
  [as a Stock Scream and "Boo, you suck" are heard] EVEN ASH KETCHUM WON A PITY TOURNAMENT EVENTUALLY.

October 9, 2019 - The SunTrust Massacre (AKA: Congrats, Braves! (2019))

• Tree recounts the Braves' struggles in the NLDS, culminating in a 13-1 drubbing of the Braves by the St. Louis Cardinals in a little less than two and a half minutes. But the video still has a minute to go when the Braves' Conglaturation screen appears... and then immediately switches to a bonus "Congrats, Twins!" video. And unlike "Congrats, Rockies!" the previous year, it's not a minute of nothing...
  ["New York, New York" plays over footage of the ALDS between the Twins and Yankees]
  UT: Greetings, Yankee overlords! Congratulations on your successful acquisition of the Minnesota Twins franchise. If you've ever desired to own slaves, yet were always turned away by that pesky Bill of Rights, this is a good alternative. Fine owners like yourselves should do the miserable Land of 10,000 Lakes some good. Please enjoy your stay as home runs are the king of conquering the easily conquerable. Unfortunately for us poor peasants, our harvest was raided by the baseball gods. Our soldiers believe in three true outcomes: home runs, strikeouts, and bending over to pinstripes. Our pitching scenario was so dire that we had to start a villager whose past life was as a carriage driver. You killed him. Foolishly going all in on the offensive made us sacrifice our defensive walls. You just walked in and raided the castle. The Bombas Squad has delivered us a bounty of 16 straight postseason losses; a tie for the all time record in the four major sports.^note The MLB, NBA, NFL, and NHL.
  Caption: [under headlines on the Twins' postseason losing streak] THAT'S, ERM, DEPRESSING
  UT: New York, you'll enjoy this one: 13 straight postseason losses to the Yankees.
  Caption: WHO SAID THE GODS DON'T LOVE THEIR NARRATIVES? [over an headline on the Yankees' 13 straight postseason wins over the Twins]
  UT: You're our masters, and we bow and cuck to your totalitarian wisdom. There's just one thing we ask.
  Caption: [under the Twins' logo] Conglaturation!
  UT: When you rule over us, please make our deaths quick.

Vichnaya Pamyat: An Aftermath of the 2019 World Series (AKA: Congrats, Nationals!)

• The Washington Nationals' first ever World Series win elicits a different kind of "Congrats!" video, with Tree surmising the bitterness of a number of different entities (and if the title isn't clear, the video is done In the Style of the epilogue of Chernobyl, something so weird it just helps the video be funnier).
  • The Detroit Tigers are forced to watch yet more of their former players - including Max Scherzer, Anibal Sanchez, and Fernando Rodney (the last remaining active player from the 2003 team that infamously went 43-119) - win a World Series with another team, further twisting the knife into their late owner Mike Illitch.
  • Although a Washington team won the World Series for the first time since 1924, they were swept in their three home games, meaning that the city hasn't seen a home team win a World Series game since 1933. In fact, since all seven games were won by the road team in the World Series, the first time this has happened in the history of North American team sports in any best-of-seven playoff series (whether in baseball, hockey, or basketball), Tree declares the baseball gods "cruel, merciless bastards".
  • The city of Montreal, still seething with anger at MLB for screwing the Expos over repeatedly in their final decade of existence, now have the added indignity of seeing their team win a World Series after being forcibly removed from Montreal.
  • "Baby Shark" has been immortalized in baseball legend, despite being, in Tree's words, "an annoying Ear Worm of a song." He delivers a pre-emptive apology to future generations.
  • As for the Houston Astros, Tree takes aim at their inability to score with runners on base (with sixty runners left stranded by the third out of an inning across all seven games), points out that starting pitcher Justin Verlander has now gone 0-6 in World Series games, and suggests that fellow starter Gerrit Cole will get a huge payday in free agency (he suggests the Los Angeles Angels, having learned nothing from blowing a fortune on Mike Trout's contract, may offer a similar sum to Cole).^note Cole would eventually sign with the Yankees for 9 years and $324 million.
  • Tree is unimpressed by the umpiring in the series, describing it as "mostly terrible" and praising Nationals manager Dave Martinez for arguing a blown call in Game 6 (for which he was ejected from the game).
  • Tree suggests that, far from sounding the death knell for the team, Bryce Harper's departure freed up the cap space the Nationals needed to get the last pieces of a World Series-winning team in place. As for Harper, Tree reminds us that he has been merely adequate since joining the Phillies.
  • But the Nationals had some help getting to the World Series, and Tree suggests that Brewers pitcher Josh Hader deserves a complementary ring for his meltdown at the end of the NL Wild Card game, and that Dodgers manager Dave Roberts deserves a similar "reward" for his disastrous decisions in Game 5 of the NLDS.
  • Meanwhile, the Seattle Mariners are now the only team in baseball without a World Series appearance (Tree says that with their rebuild just beginning, this is unlikely to change any time soon), the Baltimore Orioles have paid for their mockery of the Nationals after their move to Washington by dwindling into irrelevance under Peter Angelos' ownership, and the Texas Rangers are forced to watch the team that replaced them in Washington win a World Series while their own wait goes on (Tree predicts they can look forward to mediocrity in their expensive new stadium).
  • Tree even takes potshots at himself due to getting his World Series prediction right but having another Legacy of Failure video become a historical artifact in less than a year.
  • Then to cap it all off:
    [over footage of the Nationals celebrating their World Series win, "Baby Shark" plays]
    CONGRATULATIONS
    YOU ANNOYED BY THIS YET?
    I MUST SUFFER, SO YOU WILL TOO.
    OKAY, I'LL STOP.

Tree/Schlasser 2020: Abolish the Twins (AKA: "Congrats, Twins!" (2020))

• With the 2020 presidential elections coming up, Tree presents this video (and follow up videos on the Cleveland Indians and Cincinnati Reds) in the form of a political advertisement. Specifically relating to the Twins, there's one small change Tree performs to their name:
  UT: [over an image of the Twins' logo] There's only one thing I have to do before I get started.
  [The "w" in the "Twins" fades away]
  UT: You'll get that back when you win a playoff game for once.

Meet the Mets: 2021 Edition (AKA: "Congrats, Mets!" (2021)

• Normally posted on Bobby Bonilla Day, the 2021 edition of the annual roast of New York's second team ended up being delayed to late September, as an abnormally strong first half from the Mets that had them up to five games ahead in the NL East gave way to a second half collapse that saw them miss the playoffs again. The intro recaps that even Tree was believing in the team, replaying the Mets segment from the MLB Haters Guide at the All-Star break in monochrome. Then fade to black...:
  Mets Man: They said I was dead. [fade back in to full color "highlights" of the Mets' second half] They put four bullets in the back of my head and called it a suicide. They thought I was lying at the bottom of the Atlantic. The bastards failed to realize one thing....you can't kill ideas!
  [fade in to a Jerad Eickhoff pitch getting hit for a home run, accompanied by a Home Run Bat sound]
  Did you miss me, Mets fans? You thought the laughs were over! You thought this was going to be a new era! One without shame or indecency! You believed things were going to be hopeful this time around! What don't you understand? This is far more than an ownership change. LOLMets is eternal! The joy it brings to millions will never die!
• Time for another roll call!
  Mets Man: Meet the men on this journey yourself! Yoenis Céspedes!
  Headline: ["Dadgum!"] METS SPOKE TO YOENIS CESPEDES ABOUT RETURN WHEN THEY WERE DECIMATED BY INJURIES: REPORT
  Mets Man: The golden god, Robinson Canó!
  Headline: [bankrupt sound] NEW YORK METS ROBINSON CANO BANNED FOR 2021 MLB SEASON BECAUSE OF PED
  Mets Man: Peter Alonso!
  Headline: [bone crunch with grunt of pain as Alonso smashes his bat in two upon striking out against the Cardinals] METS' PETE ALONSO PLACED ON 10-DAY IL WITH HAND INJURY
  Mets Man: Jeff McNeil!
  Headline: [bone crunch with grunt of pain] METS' MICHAEL CONFORTO, JEFF MCNEIL LIKELY OUT UNTIL LATE JUNE
  Mets Man: James McCann!
  [stock scream as McCann's atrocious batting stats are shown, with his expected on-base average, expected batting average, and expected slugging average all in the bottom 10% leaguewide]
  Mets Man: Luis Guillorme!
  Headline: [bone crunch with grunt of pain] METS' LUIS GUILLORME LANDS ON IL FOR 2ND TIME THIS SEASON
  Mets Man: J.D. Davis!
  Headline: [bone crunch with grunt of pain] METS' J.D. DAVIS STILL DEALING WITH HIS 'NAGGLING' INJURY
  Mets Man: Dominic Smith!
  [strained screaming as Smith's bad Outs Above Average stat was shown]
  Mets Man: Brandon Nimmo!
  Headline: [bone crunch with scream of pain] NY METS NEWS: BRANDON NIMMO INJURIES STEALING ANOTHER SEASON
  Mets Man: Michael Conforto!
  Headline: [bone crunch with scream of pain] METS' MICHAEL CONFORTO TALKS 'FRUSTRATING' HAMSTRING INJURY AS HE AWAITS OFFICIAL DIAGNOSIS
  Mets Man: Albert Almora, Jr!
  Headline: [bone crunch with scream of pain as Almora slams into the outfield wall, accompanied with bad stats led by a .115 batting average] ALMORA AVOIDS SERIOUS INJURY AFTER HITTING WALL
  Mets Man: Cameron Maybin!
  Headline: [Shao Kahn laughing and "MY EYES!" accompanied with bad stats led by a .036 batting average] NY METS TRADE FOR CAMERON MAYBIN HASN'T EVEN BEEN WORTH THE BUCK THEY PAID FOR HIM
  Mets Man: Thor!
  Headlines: [to Noah Syndergaard remarking "Guess I'll watch the shitty Pirates!"] NOAH SYNDERGAARD'S LATEST HEALTH SETBACK COULD FACTOR INTO HIS UPCOMING FREE AGENCY
  [coughing] NEW YORK METS' NOAH SYNDERGAARD REPORTEDLY TESTS POSITIVE FOR COVID-19, SCRATCHED FROM REHAB OUTING
  Mets Man: Jacob deGrom!
  Headlines: [stock scream] JACOB DEGROM INJURY UPDATE: METS ACE HAD 'LOW GRADE' UCL STRAIN; RETURN TIMETABLE STILL UNCLEAR
  [Robotnik laughs] JACOB DEGROM IS ONE OF THE UNLUCKIEST ACES IN BASEBALL HISTORY
  Mets Man: Taijuan Walker!
  Headline: [Home Run Bat sound accompanied by a stock scream, accompanied by diminishing pitching stats] WHY TAIJUAN WALKER HAS HAD A NIGHTMARE 2ND HALF FOR METS
  Mets Man: Tylor Megill!
  Headline: [buzzer accompanied by a scream] METS ROOKIE TYLOR MEGILL'S DEBUT SPOILED BY A 'STRIP SEARCH'
  Mets Man: David Peterson!
  Headline: [bone crunch with "Unit lost!"] METS' DAVID PETERSON BREAKS FOOT IN 'FREAK' INJURY WHILE ON IL
  Mets Man: Cookie Carrasco!
  [buzzer accompanied by "MY GOOOOOOOOD!" as bad stats are shown, led by an ERA of 5.24]
  Mets Man: Drew Smith!
  Headline: [bone crunch with grunt of pain] METS LOSE ANOTHER CONTRIBUTOR AS RELIEVER DREW SMITH HITS INJURED LIST
  Mets Man: Robert Gsellman!
  Headline: [just after the Home Run Bat sound to one of Gsellman's pitches being hit, bone crunch with grunt of pain] SOURCE: METS' ROBERT GSELLMAN HEADING TO IL WITH INJURY
  Mets Man: Joey Lucchesi!
  Headline: [bone crunch with scream of pain] JOEY LUCHESSI SUFFERS UCL TEAR IN SERIOUS METS BLOW
  Mets Man: Brad Hand!
  Headline: [crashed roller coaster sound accompanied by losing horns] METS SIGN RECENTLY RELEASED RELIEVER BRAD HAND IN ATTEMPT TO BOLSTER BULLPEN
  Mets Man: Sean Reid-Foley!
  Headline: [Home Run Bat accompanied by a bone crunch with a scream of pain] NEW YORK METS PITCHER SEAN REID-FOLEY (ELBOW) LANDS ON 10-DAY IL
  Mets Man: Jerad Eickhoff!
  [foghorn accompanied by bad pitching stats, led by an ERA of 8.69]
  Mets Man: Jeurys Familia!
  Headline: [bone crunch with grunt of pain] METS PLACE JEURYS FAMILIA ON IL WITH A RIGHT HIP IMPINGEMENT
  Mets Man: Trevor May!
  Captions [the Age of Empires II laughing taunt plays alongside "Oh brother, THIS GUY STINKS!"] HOW IT STARTED: "TREVOR MAY TAKES DIG AT YANKEE STADIUM AHEAD OF CRUCIAL SUBWAY SERIES"; HOW IT ENDED: "TREVOR MAY CALLS PERFORMANCE AGAINST YANKEES HIS 'WORST ALL YEAR'"
  Mets Man: Seth Lugo!
  Headlines: [toilet flushing] WHY SETH LUGO's ROUGH PATCH HAS METS SO CONCERNED; THE METS HAVE A SETH LUGO PROBLEM
  Mets Man: Miguel Castro!
  ["I knew I was fucked!" accompanied by a sharp rise in Castro's Base on Balls % from 2020 to 2021]
  Mets Man: And who could forget about the closing might of Edlose Diaz!
  Caption: KEEP POINTING, EDWIN. YOUR CLOSING IS AS RELIABLE AS YOUR DEPTH PERCEPTION.
  Headline: [breaking glass and the SMB3 lose a life track as Diaz's name appears in the blown saves leaderboard] LUCAS ROJAS TRUSTS METS CLOSER EDWIN DIAZ, BUT HE HAS HIS LIMITS
• During Mets Man's closing ranting, the lowlight footage at one point has an MS Paint rendition of FivePointsVids' dejected face superimposed over it, with the caption POV: YOU ARE A METS FAN.

SD Padres Diss Track! Go Dodgers! (AKA: "Congrats, Padres!" (2021))

• With the Padres eliminated from playoff contention, Tree puts his mockery in song, this time as a response to a couple Padres fans' parody of "California Love". With awkward autotune and offbeat verses.

Congrats, Yankees! (2021)

• Tree focuses on the disastrous performance of Yankees pitcher Gerrit Cole (four hits, three runs (all earned), two home runs and two walks in two innings for an ERA of 13.50), before juxtaposing footage of Cole's equally poor performance for the Pittsburgh Pirates against the Chicago Cubs in the 2015 NL Wild Card Game (four earned runs on six hits and a walk in five innings).
  Caption: GERRIT COLE: THE $324 MILLION DOLLAR MAN
  [Xander Bogaerts homers to center field in the first inning with two out]
  Caption: LAUGHS IN SPIDER TACK
  [Kyle Schwarber hits a home run to right field in the bottom of the third, accompanied by the Super Smash Bros. Home Run Bat sound effect]
  [clip from Ratatouille, showing Anton Ego flashing back to his childhood upon eating the film's titular dish]
  [heading back to the 2015 NL Wild Card, when Schwarber hits a home run for the Cubs in the top of the third that extends the Cubs' lead over the Pirates to 3-0, accompanied by the Super Smash Bros. Home Run Bat sound effect, followed by the final out of the game]
  [another clip from Ratatouille, showing Anton Ego dropping his pen, as "New York, New York" plays]
  [transition to footage of Gerrit Cole being pulled from the game]
  Caption: TOUGH LUCK, YANKEES: YOU GOT PITTSBURGH GERRIT COLE
  [over footage of the final out]
  Captions: TONIGHT, THE RED SOX FEAST ON TURTLE SOUP^note During the last two weeks of the MLB regular season, the Yankees adopted a pet turtle named "Bronxie", and went on a 9-3 run after the adoption to close out the regular season.
  WE ARE ALL RED SOX FANS... FOR TWO DAYS
  A CRUELER FATE THAN GIANCARLO BEING TROLLED BY THE GREEN MONSTER^note Giancarlo Stanton had two long fly balls bounce off the Green Monster
  [under the Yankees logo] Conglaturation!
  David Ortiz: Theeeeee Yankees lose!^note A take on Yankees radio announcer John Sterling, who would announce Yankees wins with "Theeeeee Yankees win!" after the final out.

Congrats, Blue Jays! (2022)

• Vladimir Guerrero, Jr. stated at an interview that 2021 was a trailer and 2022 the movie. Tree honors this request by making it into a horror in light of the Blue Jays' meltdown against against the Mariners in the Wild Card round, and documenting said meltdown in the form of a trailer.

Congrats, Mets! (2022)

• Tree introduces a new hit song from Timmy Trumpet, which turns out to be Tomahawk Chop as it plays through a series of headlines about the Mets Metted their 10.5 win division advantage over the Atlanta Braves.
  UT: Pretty disappointing, isn't it? Kind of like the Mets this last week and a half. You thought you escaped LOLMETS but it only manifested in a different form. Even with a 101-win season, Atlanta is now the owner of your team. By the way, enjoy having Jacob deGrom go there in the off-season. Should be a lot of fun.
  [under the Mets logo] Conglaturation!

Congrats, Blue Jays! (2023)

• The Blue Jays' ineptitude against the Minnesota Twins in the 2023 Wild Card Round was so bad that Tree actually called the latter Twins for the first time in years, since they've got their wins back.

Congrats, Texas Rangers! (2023)

• Among the tidbits in the summation of the futile history of the Rangers: Nolan Ryan beating the crap out of Robin Ventura in a fight on the mound, and Jose Canseco having a home run bounce off his head while playing right field for the team.

Hockey

Congrats, Capitals! (2017)

• "Mario Lemieux may be mortal, but he will forever own the Caps!"
• The ending:
  UT: (archived audio as footage of Tidus' ridiculously fake laugh plays in the corner) You get eliminated in the 2nd round to WHADDYA KNOW, THE FUCKING PENGUINS!!!
  Windows error message: Could not find capscup.exe - Please delete offending franchise before running program.

Congrats, Preds!

• The most memetic statements UT has made in his videos so far ("I just think Pekka Rinne is too good right now..." "...dumpster fire..." and "THE FUCKING PENGUINS") are repeated over and over again while showing footage of the Predators loss to the Penguins, including numerous shots of a shell-shocked Pekka Rinne staring out at nothing. All done in the style of the climax to 2001: A Space Odyssey. And the end shows a hooded figure with UT's YouTube logo on his face. When he pulls the cloak back...
  Vince McMahon: (with a Penguins logo over his face) IT'S ME, AUSTIN! IT'S ME, AUSTIN! IT WAS ME, ALL ALONG, AUSTIN!

Congrats, Ducks! (2018)

• The video opens with the Duck Hunt title screen, complete with music, followed by the intro screen of the dog leaping into the grass after catching the scent of ducks. The ensuing montage of the Ducks' sweep at the hands of the Sharks is accompanied by the shark's Leitmotif from Jaws, and is interspersed with clips from YouTube instructional videos of chefs, including Gordon Ramsay, Jamie Oliver, and Matt Kemp, preparing roast duck, at one point accompanied by the Duck Hunt musical cue for successfully shooting a duck, and clips of hunters shooting ducks out of the air, at one point accompanied by Shao Kahn laughing and saying "That was pathetic!". Inevitably, the video ends with a shot of the Duck Hunt dog laughing, accompanied by a sound clip of the adviser from Total War: Shogun 2 shouting "SHAMEFUL DISPLAY!".

Congrats, Pens!

• The Pens are treated like Alex DeLarge (with a Penguins logo on his face) being subjected to The Ludovico Technique (by a doctor with an NHL logo on her face). As he's being tortured, we're treated to footage of the Penguins' other defeats throughout history, from throwing away a 3-0 series lead against the Islanders in 1975 to losing to the Capitals in six games in 2018, while being bombarded with all sorts of subliminal messages...
  [Johann Gottfried Piefke's Königgrätzer Marsch plays over footage of the Penguins losing Game 7 to the Islanders after leading the series 3-0 in the 1975 quarter-finals, losing the deciding game to the Blues in double overtime in the 1981 Preliminary Round, and losing to the Flyers in the early 1980s]
  YOU TANKED FOR LEMIEUX.^note The Penguins were accused of throwing games toward the end of the 1983-84 season to "undertake" the Devils for last place in the NHL, thus securing the No.1 pick in the 1984 draft, which was predicted (correctly) to go to Mario Lemieux, then aged 18. Then-GM Eddie Johnston denies this, but then-coach Lou Angotti claims that Penguins management feared that if they didn't draft Lemieux, their financial problems would get worse and force them to contract or relocate.
  [footage of the Penguins losing the deciding game to the Islanders in overtime in the 1982 Preliminary Round and being scored on by the Flyers en route to a 4-3 series loss in the 1989 Division Finals]^note The 1989 footage is from Game 5, a strange choice as not only did the Penguins win the game 10-7, but Mario Lemieux tied four playoff records: most goals and most points in a period, and most goals and most points in a game.
  PIERRE CREAMER.^note Though Pierre Creamer's single season in charge of the Penguins (1987-88) resulted in them finishing with a winning record, they were still last in the Patrick Division and missed the playoffs.
  [footage of the Penguins' Kevin Stevens checking the Islanders' Rich Pilon in Game 7 of the 1993 Division Finals, only to knock himself unconscious on Pilon's visor and hit the ice face first]^note Stevens required extensive reconstructive facial surgery after the fall.
  POOR KEVIN STEVENS.
  [footage of the Penguins losing said Game 7 in overtime to a goal from the Islanders' David Volek]
  Penguins!Alex: Ugh...I'm gonna be sick...
  [footage of the Penguins losing to the Devils in the 1995 Conference Semifinals, the Panthers in the 1996 Conference Finals, and the Canadiens in the 1998 Conference Quarterfinals]
  HOWARD BALDWIN. GREATEST OWNER EVER.^note Under Baldwin and co-owner Morris Belzberg, the Penguins' finances sank so far that they asked players to accept salary deferments to pay the team's debts, and had to file for bankruptcy protection when the deferments ended. Mario Lemieux was able to use this to his advantage by offering to convert his deferred salary into equity, thereby buying the franchise away from Baldwin and Belzberg in 1999.
  [footage of the Penguins losing to the Flyers in quintuple overtime en route to a 4-2 series loss in the 2000 Conference Semifinals and losing to the Devils in the 2001 Conference Finals]
  GO BOO JÁGR MORE.^note With the Penguins still bleeding money, Jaromír Jágr was traded along with most of the other expensive players in 2001 to cut costs, and got a very hostile reception when he returned to Pittsburgh with the Rangers in the mid-2000s and the Flyers in 2011-12.
  [excerpt from the Penguins' "Next Generation" video from the mid-2000s featuring Marc-Andre Fleury, Evgeni Malkin, and Sidney Crosby, followed by footage of the Penguins losing to the Red Wings in the 2008 Stanley Cup finals as a goalmouth pile-up leads to Fleury accidentally backheeling the puck into his own goal in Game 6]^note The exodus of expensive - and talented - players in 2001 caused the Penguins to crash and burn for the next three seasons, which allowed them to draft Fleury in 2003, Malkin in 2004, and Crosby in 2005.
  TIME TO MOVE TO KANSAS CITY.^note The Penguins were still losing money by the 2004-05 lockout, and with the city of Pittsburgh refusing a deal to replace the crumbling Civic Arena (the Penguins' home since their inception in 1967), Lemieux considered selling them or relocating to Kansas City. They remained in Pittsburgh, but wouldn't leave the Civic Arena until 2010.
  [footage of the Penguins losing to the Canadiens in the 2010 Conference Semifinals]
  GREATEST DEFENSE EVER.
  [footage of Sidney Crosby getting concussed after a hit to the head by the Capitals' Dave Steckel in the 2011 Winter Classic]
  POOR SIDNEY CROSBY...
  [footage of the Penguins losing to the Lightning in the 2011 Conference Quarterfinals]
  Penguins!Alex: AHHHHH!
  [Penguins!Alex continues to scream over footage of the Penguins losing to the Flyers in the 2012 Conference Quarterfinals, the Bruins in the 2013 Conference Finals, and the Rangers in the second round in 2014]
  Penguins!Alex: STOP IT, STOP IT, PLEASE! I BEG YOU!
  [footage of the Penguins losing to the Rangers again in 2015, this time in the first round]
  NHL!Dr. Brodsky: I'm sorry, Alex! This is for your own good!
  [the remaining footage shows the Penguins' loss to the Capitals in the second round in 2018, starting with losing Game 3...]
  #3LIEVE, AM I RIGHT?
  [... and Game 5...]
  Penguins!Alex: But it's not fair! It's not fair I should feel ill when I hear lovely, lovely Ludwig van!
  KRIS LETANG: CAPITALS TEAM MVP
  THE MEMES ARE DEAD.
  NHL!Dr. Brodsky: You must take your chance, boy! The choice has been all yours.
  YOU GOT SCHOOLED BY A WHINY EGGHEAD.
  Penguins!Alex: I see now what I've never seen before! I'm cured! Praise God!
  [... and Game 6 in overtime]
  John Walton:^note The Capitals' radio commentator. Now the counter, here come the Caps, Kuznetsov - gets loose! Evgeny coming down the middle, a shot! And it comes in over - HE SCORES! HE SCORES! EVGENY KUZNETSOV WINS IT FOR WASHINGTON!
  Caption: [over Penguins logo] Conglaturation!
  BUT SERIOUSLY, FUCK KRIS LETANG.

Congrats, Lightning!

• Like "Congrats, Steelers!", this video is more of a "The Reason You Suck" Speech than anything, as Tree is pissed with Tampa Bay for not only choking on their own hype again, but choosing to do so against the Capitals while on the verge of another trip to the Cup Finals.
  UT: Well done, Lightning! You've done the unthinkable and shit yourselves royally in a game seven on home ice. I couldn't be more proud of you worthless pieces of fuck than I could imagine! Holy fucking shit, it's like you embodied the spirit of Florida Man, chose to go snort meth and tried to breed with a python! You're goddamn pathetic! I spit in your faces and shit on your logo repeatedly!
• It turns out he has quite a few questions for the Lightning in regards to their latest failure:
  UT: How does one go about not scoring a goal in over two and a half games? What kind of black magic must I conjure for such ineptitude? I wish to use it against my enemies.
  [Test Pattern]
  UT: What do you think will be found first, Jimmy Hoffa's corpse or Steven Stamkos at even strength?
  [Test Pattern]
  UT: Why did your game plan only read "Vasilevskiy" on it? You seriously expected him to bail you out again?
  [Test Pattern]
  [Over footage of several players crashing into the net, with Victor Hedman nearly landing on Braden Holtby while batting the puck behind him inches from the goalline; Yanni Gourde streaks in and takes a whack at the puck, only to miss and have Brooks Orpik clear it to the other side, where Alex Ovechkin takes possession and streaks off toward the neutral zone]
  UT: How the fuck do you whiff on this opportunity? For fuck's sake, a kid in midget league could have bagged that home! [Moe Tilden yells "You blew it!"] Guess that's what you get with some fucking guy named "Yanni"! [Billy Madison yells "YOU BLEW IT!"] Fucking midget!
  [Test Pattern]
  UT: If Tyler Johnson were to be any smaller on the ice, could he file for disability as being unable to work?
  [Test Pattern]
  UT: And one thing, can anyone find Victor Hedman?
  [a montage of Hedman getting repeatedly owned on the ice kicks in]
  UT: ...hello, Hedman? You there, Mr. Norris Candidate?^note Norris winner, as it turned out Only thing I saw was a candidate for the "Missing Persons" list.
  [Test Pattern]
  UT: Hey, Mr. Cooper, how about you adjust something besides your crotch?
  [Test Pattern]
  UT: If a team doesn't get any power play opportunities because the refs swallowed the whistle come playoff time, does it make a sound?
  [Test Pattern]
  UT: What will come first, Halley's Comet or Nikita Kucherov bothering to give a damn?

Congrats, Lightning! (2019)

• Rather than invest his usual over-dramatic snark, Tree is in stitches over the fact that the Tampa Bay Lightning were the first team in NHL history to win the Presidents' Trophy (tying the 1995-96 Detroit Red Wings for most wins in a season in the process)... and not win a single playoff game, losing 4-0 in the first round. On top of that, they didn't just get swept; they got swept by the Columbus Blue Jackets, who hadn't won a playoff series in their entire existence before beating the Lightning. The video features Tree openly breaking out into laughter several times, almost as if he can't believe that it happened.
  Tree: Wow. Wow. I mean... wow. You are pathetic. Like, I'm not even surprised by you not making the finals; I knew you were going to choke. But in Game 1 of the playoffs?! (wheezes with laughter) Do you realize what you have just done? This is quite possibly the greatest failure in the history of sports! (nerdy voice) 62-win season. Art Ross and Hart-winning forward. (over footage of the Blue Jackets' three empty net goals in the last two minutes of Game 4) Vezina Trophy winner. Norris Trophy winner.^note At the time the video was made, speculation was that the 2019 Hart, Vezina, and Norris trophies would respectively go to Kucherov, Vasilevskiy, and Hedman (the previous year's Norris winner). They all made the final three for their categories; Kucherov and Vasilevskiy won, but Hedman lost to the Flames' Mark Giordano. LIGHTNING IN THREE!
  Announcer: A new record!
  Caption: (accompanied by a graphic of confetti and the Super Mario 64 "Key get!" fanfare) WORLD RECORD ACHIEVED!
  Billy Madison: YOU BLEW IT!
  Tree: You're pioneers, lads. You're the first team to win the Presidents' Trophy and not win a single fucking game! (dissolves into riotous laughter as the shot of a group of men slow clapping, one of whom raises a glass in a sarcastic toast, appears bottom right) This is the best comedy on television! (Billy Madison yells "YOU BLEW IT!" again) Maybe I can find that talent you kept teasing us with in the regular season if I squint at the TV, because I sure as shit can't find it otherwise. But wait. It gets even better. You guys lost... to the Blue Jackets! This team hadn't won a playoff series in their existence.
  Caption: (as Ryan McDonagh angrily swats the puck into his own net after the Blue Jackets' Cam Atkinson scores an empty net goal to put Game 3 to bed) MOST ACCURATE SHOT BY A LIGHTNING PLAYER
  Tree: I wasn't expecting this to be a cakewalk, but holy fucking shit, did you guys even try to adjust?! You had one period. (a shot of Squidward choking on a fork in the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Naughty Nautical Neighbors" appears bottom left) Congratulations, you had your time of the month like most women on Earth!
  NFL Blitz announcer: What a truly pathetic display!
  Tree: Perhaps next time you can learn other basic responsibilities like cleaning up the diarrhea you spewed all over the ice!
  • Tree then turns his attention to individual players, starting with Steven Stamkos and Brayden Point, whose stellar regular seasons were not reflected by their almost total anonymity in the series against the Blue Jackets:
    Tree: (cut to a shot of a desert) Behold, everyone! STEVEN STAMKOS! (crickets chirping) I think I can see him in the distance. (over footage of Stamkos' goal in Game 4, his only point of the series) Oh, there he is, just in time to watch his team be embarrassed again!
    Caption: I TRIED TO FIND BRAYDEN POINT
    ALL I GOT EVERY TIME I SEARCHED WAS A BLANK SCREEN
    STILL MORE VISIBLE^note Like Stamkos, Point scored just one point in the entire series courtesy of a goal in Game 4.
  • Next in the firing line: Nikita Kucherov. Art Ross winner by a mile? You'd never know it from his performances against Columbus:
    Tree: (as Sergei Bobrovsky saves a shot from Nikita Kucherov) Just look at this treasure in Nikita Kucherov! (over footage of Kucherov smashing Markus Nautivaraa into the boards in Game 2, for which he was slapped with a one-game suspension) He's so deadly that he's going to cheap shot opposing players into the boards!
    Caption: (accompanying a quote from Tampa Bay sportswriter Joe Smith's Twitter account in which Kucherov said "It just wasn't our time this year.") MOST POINTS IN NHL HISTORY. NOT OUR YEAR. FUCKING LOL.
    Caption: (flashing) PROBABLE HART TROPHY WINNER (on the fourth flash, "winner" gets swapped out for "choker")
    Tree: Look, Nikita, I know you vanish at the most inopportune times, but that's no reason to start decking people illegally! Great sportsman you are.
    Shao Kahn: That was pathetic.
  • Tree follows this by likening Andrei Vasilevskiy, who went from a leading contender for the Vezina Trophy to conceding fifteen goals in four games, to the viral video of a fish still writhing after having been beheaded, gutted, filleted, and put in the oven. The video is accompanied by a voice yelling "BOOOO! You suck!"
  • His venom spewed at the players, Tree then turns to head coach Jon Cooper:
    Tree: Jon Cooper. Why the hell did I think this guy was a good coach? Hold on, let me adjust myself for this... (grunts) In this time frame, I have probably done more adjusting than Cooper has done in this series.
    Caption: DUDE GOT TACTICALLY RAWDOGGED BY TORTORELLA
    Tree: Perhaps we can also adjust how you respond to the media on adversity.
    Headlines: LIGHTNING'S JON COOPER: 'FOR SIX DAYS IN APRIL, COLUMBUS WAS THE BETTER TEAM'
    LIGHTNING COACH JON COOPER: 'THIS IS A FIVE-ALARM FIRE'
    Tree: (as the "dumpster fire" GIF appears in the background) "The other team wanted it more"?! HOW THE FUCK IS MOTIVATION AN ISSUE, YOU GUYS GOT PUNCHED IN THE MOUTH LAST YEAR BY THE CAPS! You knew the goal was a Cup and you failed miserably at it. You're a fucking fraud!
    Caption: ALSO A FIVE-ALARM FIRE: YOUR JOB SECURITY
    Tree: I would say get your ass fired out of the cannon they have at Nationwide Arena, but they extended your contract before the playoffs.
    Headline: JON COOPER SIGNS MULTI-YEAR EXTENSION WITH THE LIGHTNING
    Simpsons anchor: (points at screen) You stupid...! (trails off laughing)
    Tree: Bet you're regretting that one, eh?
    Moe Tilden: You blew it!
  • Tree then delivers a few final kicks, including a suggestion (which he knows they won't take) that they overhaul the entire franchise:
    Tree: (over footage of a press interview with Steve Yzerman)^note Who connects the 1995-96 Red Wings to the 2018-19 Lightning as a player on the former and a member of the front office for the latter. Fucking hell, no wonder why Stevie fled this ship last year. He wanted to keep his reputation intact as Her Majesty's Lightning choked in the Atlantic!
    Voice: These guys SUCK!
    Tree: This is more embarrassing than that time you were owned by the Yakuza. Hey, maybe the Lightning chose to pay homage to their old owner and just never show up to the arena. You didn't even have to, because (as a Lightning logo appears over a flashing "CONGLATURATION!" caption, a graphic of fireworks, and the winning bell and theme music from The Price Is Right) congratulations, you're the new meme of the NHL. I would offer you some celebratory cake but you'd probably choke on it.
    Billy Madison: YOU BLEW IT!
    Tree: You want my advice, even though you won't take it? Purge some big pieces. I'm dead serious, start chopping off some heads. This was the year you had to show me something and you pissed all over it. You aren't winning a Cup with this core, you aren't winning a Cup with this coach, and you most certainly aren't winning a Cup with these mentally soft players who can't handle a shred of adversity that comes their way! I wouldn't even hang a banner for the Presidents' Trophy.
    Caption: THE 62 WINS MEAN NOTHING. THE GOALS FOR THIS SEASON WERE IN THE PLAYOFFS. THIS SEASON WAS A TOTAL FAILURE. SORRY.
    Tree: It will only remind you of failure. Just treat it like a college scandal and say the year was invalidated. At least you'd have won as many playoff games with that scenario!
    Caption: (over an embarrassed, apologetic tweet from the Lightning's official Twitter account) DAMAGE CONTROL ACTIVATED
    Tree: "Thank you for being there the entire way", huh? If you act quickly I think you might be able to get a refund on the season. I can't say the same for the cap hell coming your way.
    Caption: (under a Lightning logo) Conglaturation!
    Tree: How many wins does it take to gain dignity? More than 62.
    Mr. Kincade: You blew it! You had it all and you blew it!
    Billy Madison: YOU BLEW IT!
  • Rewatching this video may be interesting, given that the next season, the Lightning won the Stanley Cup with pretty much the same core and under the same coach. And when they did it again the following season...
    Tree: (in comments) Farewell, legendary meme. Your time on this earth was far too short, but fate decided differently. I shed a tear for this catastrophic loss to memedom.
    
    They really should've blown it up, though. It would've been hilarious.

Congrats, Jets! (2019)

• Tree parodies a David Attenborough style nature documentary, featuring the Jets being attacked by the Blues:
  UT: [in the Richard Shittenborough accent] Here we see the pride of the True North, peacefully grazing on the postseason grasses and ambition for the cup. Despite this auspicious nature, a predator lurks in the shadows.
  [African-style drumbeat plays, as a clip of a cheetah labeled "A lead" is shown]
  UT: A thorn in the side of Winnipeg all year, it's a dangerous situation! The Jet knows what's coming. He looks nervous. It appears to be the third period of his life. [another cheetah labeled "Sluggish season"] Let us watch this chess match.

Congrats, Capitals! (2019)

• The "Groundhog Day" Loop returns once again for Washington sports, with a twist:
  [clip from Groundhog Day of Phil Connors' alarm clock going off at 6 am to the sound of Sonny & Cher's "I Got You Babe"]
  Capitals radio announcer John Walton: ...and as the puck drops, the words that D.C. fans have been waiting to hear—
  [cue Record Needle Scratch]
  UT: Wait, wait a minute, this isn't right! Why the hell are they deviating from the script? This is supposed to be routine and predictable failure. Let me just take a look here and... Ah! Here's the problem: somebody accidentally turned off the "Choke" button. There we go, good as new.
  [cue test pattern, followed by the clip from Groundhog Day of Phil Connors' alarm clock going off at 6 am to the sound of Sonny & Cher's "I Got You Babe"... followed by clips of the Hurricanes' goals in Games 6 and 7, and Washington's disallowed goal in Game 6 that would have tied the game.]
  ["Brass Bonanza" starts playing as the Hurricanes score in the second overtime of Game 7 to win the series.]
  UT: Congratulations! You once again can't make it past the second round. Ehh.. it's not the same. I can't laugh at them anymore, I feel... nothing. They were just outplayed, there's nothing to really mock. This video has disappointed you just like the Capitals this postseason. Kind of ironic. You know who ruined this? The Lightning. Thanks for choking last year, you fucking bums.
  Caption: (under a Capitals logo) CONGLATURATION?

The New York Islanders: A Tale of Two Arenas (AKA: Congrats, Islanders! (2019))

• The video starts out as a long Juxtaposition Gag between the Islanders' two home arenas, the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum (used for the first round series against the Pittsburgh Penguins) and the Barclay's Center (used for the series against the Carolina Hurricanes):
  [As the clips shift between the Coliseum and Barclay Center]
  Captions: NASSAU VETERANS MEMORIAL COLISEUM [over images of enthusiastic support after an Islanders goal]
  BARCLAY'S CENTER [where the fan support is lackluster]
  WHERE MOST OF THE FANBASE RESIDES
  ONE HOUR AWAY FROM FANBASE [and then, GLORY TO THE SUV!]
  OLD ARENA, BUT STILL BUILT FOR NHL HOCKEY
  GARBAGE HOCKEY, ICE SURFACE, AND SIGHTLINES
  GOOD BOY BROCK [over footage of Brock Nelson tying Game 3 and then tapping the head of Carolina Hurricanes goalie Curtis McElhinney]
• And then "Brass Bonanza" rings out as the Hurricanes complete the sweep in Raleigh.
  Captions: KARMA
  ROBIN LEHNER RUNNING OUT OF ISLAND MAGIC
  COME TO OUR GAMES!
  BRASS BONANZA CONSUMES YOU WHOLE
  THE HOCKEY GODS ARE CRUEL BASTARDS
  SWEEP THE PENS ONLY TO BE SWEPT
  BUFFALO WELCOMES YOU
  A GREAT SEASON ENDS ON A VERY SOUR NOTE
  GO BACK TO NASSAU. YOU LEFT YOUR MOJO THERE.
  THE ONLY BENEFIT TO BARCLAY'S IS THE CAR
  JUST BRING IT WITH YOU WHEN YOU MOVE TO BELMONT
  TOO BAD WE'LL ENJOY THESE SCRAMBLED EGGS ^note A reference to Barry Trotz, AKA "Eggman"
  [under an Islanders' logo] Conglaturation!

Steamed Caps (AKA: Congrats, Capitals! (2020))

• Tree manages to outdo himself once again, this time by resurrecting the long-dead "Steamed Hams" meme for the sole purpose of roasting the Capitals over yet another embarrassing first-round exit. It's hard to pinpoint any given moment, as arguably the entire thing is one prolonged CMoF in and of itself.
• In a meta-example, the idea for "Steamed Caps" originated back in 2018, but was postponed due to the Capitals' Stanley Cup victory that year.^note The script that was posted was overwritten with the script from the published video.

Redemption (AKA: Congrats, Lightning! (2020))

• Tree frets over how the Lightning overcoming the 2019 sweep to win the Stanley Cup in the 2020 season is a devastating blow to the meme economy. He decides to claim he shit on them so hard that they reacted by becoming nigh unstoppable.
  UT: I have 400,000 people laughing at me now. A true success story. Remember kids: bullying works! (sotto voce) Goddamn Lightning have to ruin everything. I liked them better when they were chokers.

A Goalie's Questionnaire

• This video for the 2021 NHL Playoffs is five Conglaturations in one, summing up the failures of the Capitals, Penguins, Oilers, Blues and Panthers in the form of a series of "What do you do?" scenarios, with the exception of the Blues:
  UT: You are the St. Louis Blues. That's humiliating enough. Take your series sweep and fuck off!

Congrats, Lightning! (2021)

• "Congrats, Lightning! (2019)" aged very poorly with the Lightning winning back-to-back Stanley Cups in the following two seasons. This time, Tree turns the walk of shame he had for Philadelphia 76ers fans from his "Trust the (Failed) Process" video right onto himself.
  Caption: I hate this. The memes they gave in 2019 were fantastic. Now they are dead. Stone cold dead in the ground. I'm just going to pretend I shit on them hard enough to make them 2X Cup winners. It will help me ignore my crippling reality. I should've said they were too good right now. Damnit.
  Tree: They should've blown it up. It would've been hilarious. Eh, if only I could see into the future.

Congrats, Avalanche!

• UT's video congratulating the Avalanche on their Stanley Cup win pretty much was a running commentary of funny:
  • JACK JOHNSON IS A STANLEY CUP CHAMPION
  • Get a room, you two. (Nathan MacKinnon tackled Erik Johnson to the ice when they won, and it looked...well, let's just say it probably belongs on a Ho Yay page)
  • Too many men? (A constant complaint that Tampa kept trying to get Colorado penalized for)
  • No Bettman? (Love to Hate Commissioner Gary Bettman was unable to present the Cup himself cause he contracted COVID-19)
  • RIP Leafs Fans (The Leafs traded Nazem Kadri to the Avs, where he became a key player)
  • WHY IS HE SO GOOD. (Cale Makar winning Conn Smythe at 23)
  • Special Thanks to Jim Rutherford (who bought out Jack Johnson's contract, setting him on the path to sign with the Avs)

Congrats, Bruins! (2023)

• The 2022-23 Boston Bruins had a record breaking regular season, a Presidents' Trophy, an advantageous playoff matchup in the Florida Panthers, and stormed to a 3-1 series lead. Then they unraveled, losing to the Panthers in seven games and leaving Tree both stunned to see such a great team implode like they did and gleeful that he finally has a replacement to the pre-2020 Tampa Bay Lightning as his meme punching bag:
  Tree: Oh my god. How? HOW THE FUCK DID YOU LOSE?! You had the series won, for God's sake! You were a Brad Marchand breakway from ending the series in five! All of the accomplishments you had over the season, sixty-five wins on the year, the most points and wins in NHL history, a roster that rivals the late 70's Canadiens in talent, the best goalie tandem in the league, an unbelievable all-in push, a team with no goaltending as your opponent, a 43 point difference in season outcome, a 3 to 1 series lead!
  Caption: [over a "A new record"! soundclip and the "YOU WHAT?!" clip] NEW RECORD CONFIRMED!
  Tree: We have reached the summit. [the Billy Madison "YOU BLEW IT!" clip plays] After years of searching, we have finally found it. THE ULTIMATE MEME!
  Caption: [as the Fortress Clear theme plays, the Bruins logo and the "YOU'RE WINNER!" graphic slide onto the screen] MEME OF MEMES!
• He then calls them "the biggest joke in sports", rips Jim Montgomery for his performance, and laments that this performance could be how several core players could end their NHL careers.
• The Bruins don't even get the dignity of a "Conglaturation" message at the end of the video. Instead, Tree proceeds to absolutely tear them apart for their constant postseason choking for the last decade and a half, and states that he now believes the only reason they won the Cup in 2011 is because Vancouver out-choked them:
  Tree: We can't deny the truth any longer: The Bruins are nothing but massive fucking chokers. I am now under the belief that they only won a Cup in 2011 because Vancouver out-choked them. This isn't hyperbole! It's been nearly every fucking season for the past fifteen years! I'm dead serious, look up their history!
  Captions: [scrolling from bottom to top] 2009 - #1 SEED, SCOTT WALKER OT GOAL
  2010 - REVERSE SWEEP
  2012 - GAME 7 OT AGAINST CAPS
  2013 - 17 SECONDS
  2014 - PREZ TROPHY FAIL AGAINST HABS
  2015 - MISS PLAYOFFS BY A GAME
  2016 - MARCH COLLAPSE, MISS PLAYOFFS
  2017 - OTTAWA'D
  2018 - BLAME OFFICIALS FOR TAMPA LOSS
  2019 - GLORIA'D BY THE BLUES
  2020 - BUBBLE POPPED BY LIGHTNING
  2021 - LEFT ON AN ISLAND
  2022 - DEATH BY CANING
  AND THEN WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS YEAR WAS
  Tree: Choke after choke after choke after choke, and it keeps fucking happening! The only explanation I have for this one is retribution for trying to sign Mitch Miller. There is literally no other reason for this! How the fuck do they keep doing it?! A series they should easily win they keep blowing like they're Angela White! Socrates, give me the knowledge to understand! There's no way it should be with all this talent! SOMEBODY TELL ME! DO YOU HEAR ME?! SOMEBODY TELL ME HOW THEY DO IT! I HAVE TO KNOW! I HAVE TO KNOWWWWWWWWW!
  Caption: [under a Bruins logo, as Shao Kahn laughs and declares "That was pathetic!"] LMAO

Congrats, Golden Knights! (2023)

• UT does congratulate the Golden Knights on their run...and then congratulates the decisions everyone else made that made their Cup happen, such as...
  • Bruins: firing Bruce Cassidy which got him hired by Vegas. "Your power play maneuver to fire Bruce Cassidy when he wasn't close to the reason the team was struggling was a resounding success...just not for you."
    • Winning is the best revenge.
  • Senators: trading Mark Stone. "As he lifts the Cup in celebration, the return Ottawa got hasn't come close to expectations." (Egor Sokolov has a chance, but they'd rather have Mark Stone, I reckon.)
  • Blues: choosing not to re-sign Alex Petrangelo. "You chose Justin Faulk and Marco Scandella over Alex Petrangelo. That's all that needs to be said." (Play Gloria?)
  • Sabres: trading Jack Eichel. "I'm dead serious, the Jack Eichel trade has been win-win for both franchises."
    • "Still kinda sucks to see Eichel shed the previous assumptions about him, regardless." (RIP GM Jack Eichel memes.)
  • Sharks: trading Adin Hill. "I just LOVE the fact that they have goalies that keep running out of gas yet trade goalies that have resounding success. Adin Hill is now the new regret.
    • "You also lost the firepower of the ONE THING you could lord over Vegas with." (Can you tell I'm bitter?)
  • Panthers: exposing Jonathan Marchessault in the expansion draft and trading Reilly Smith to Vegas. "Protected Alex Petrovic over these two. Petrovic hasn't played in the NHL since 2019. Marchessault just won the Conn Smythe. Good work playing yourselves, boys. You can join the Miami Heat as fallen brothers in arms."
    • He does give props though for Florida fighting to the end, even as he's lamenting how short the 'end' was.
    "When Matthew Tkachuk can't play in a pivotal game five ^note And Tkachuk would've played with a severed leg, you know it's bad.
  • The video ends with a very inebriated William Karlsson introducing Marchessault at the victory parade.
• He also gets a dig in at Calgary for trading Matthew Tkachuk to the Panthers, as now everyone else is wanting out of Calgary.

Basketball

Congrats, Warriors! (2019)

• Another year, another predictable NBA Finals... or not?
  UT: Perhaps I can be foolish in my assumption that the Warriors were going to win easily this year, a lot of people did. I mean, that lineup with Boogie Cousins? Easy ring. These playoffs showed us some warning signs, but nothing too severe. They barely escaped the claws of the Clippers. They literally broke the Houston Rockets. Portland, what team are they? What I said remains true. Easy ring. There was only one thing they didn't take into account. The gods of the hardwood demanded tithes for the Warriors dynasty. Golden State refused to bend the knee and the gods were not kind. Nearly all of their living men dropping down one by one.
  Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!" and Stock Scream of agony] WARRIORS' DEMARCUS COUSINS OUT INDEFINITELY WITH TORN QUAD
  UT: Boogie Cousins injured again and a mere shell of his abilities in the Finals.
  Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!" and Stock Scream of agony] WARRIORS KEVON LOONEY OUT WITH INJURY, WON'T RETURN FOR GAME 5
  UT: Kevon Looney being severely compromised by the Grim Reaper's blade.
  Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!" and Stock Scream of agony] WARRIORS' ANDRE IGUODALA LEAVES LATE IN FIRST HALF WITH APPARENT HEAD INJURY
  UT: Andre Iguodala, just repeat the same thing I said about Looney. But oh, there were more prizes to come. Kevin Durant. Who knew that snakes had Achilles tendons?
  Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!", Stock Scream of agony, "Unit lost!"] KEVIN DURANT ACHILLES INJURY: EXPERTS SAY WARRIORS STAR MAY NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN
  UT: His was ruptured after trying to return to the core too quickly. Such an injury leaves the remainder of his career potentially fucked. You got your rings, now pay for them. Klay Thompson, on the other hand, did nothing wrong, but the gods are feeling quite merciless. Torn ACL.
  Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!", Stock Scream of agony, "Unit lost!"] KLAY HAS TORN ACL IN LEFT KNEE, WARRIORS CONFIRM
  UT: Out for at least the majority of the next season.^note (Turned out to be very generous timing at the time, considering Thompson could not play again until the start of 2022 with that injury of his becoming more gruesome than expected.) You'd say the Raptors are the favorites now, but this is Toronto, they're just going to choke like they always do. Congratulations, NBA, you're... [the "Hallelujah" Chorus begins playing over footage of the Raptors holding onto the lead in Game 6 to win the series 4-2] not... fucked?? Oh my God, it happened... I suddenly feel a new lease on life itself! QUICK! EVERYONE! COME QUICK! THE NBA IS NOT FUCKED!^note Ironically, to Tree, it became fucked again in 2020 (not by the NBA Bubble, though)... only to then become unfucked again in greater fashion in 2021.
  Caption: [over footage of crowds celebrating in Toronto, graphics of fireworks and church bells ringing (the latter with sound effects)] YOU'RE NOT FUCKED!
  UT: The gods have answered our prayers. May they be praised for their mercy. And something about a potential legacy of failure being averted, that's always a good thing. The Raptors won a championship. Good. I was getting tired of all the choking they did over the years. Perhaps Kawhi will stick around a little longer with another championship in tow.^note Kawhi decided not to stick around with the Raptors, with him later signing with the Los Angeles Clippers. But Golden State, the tides have turned. I have two words that may comfort you in the future: "You're fucked."
  Caption: [under a Warriors logo] Conglaturation!
  UT: The hunter may now be the hunted. Have a nice day.
  [Test Pattern]

Congrats, Clippers! (2020)

• This one gets the laughs out real early and never lets up on them.
  UT: I fucking hate you! I really do. You make all of these splashes in the offseason and you still can't get past the second round? God damn it. How can a team be so pathetic? No matter what they do, they shit the bed. "Oh, we got another 3 games to 1 series lead? Welp, better forget how to play basketball. Pack it in, boys! The league wants the Lakers to win, so might as well get the fuck out of the Bubble before we run out of life! Oh shit, we have double-digit leads in Games 5 & 6? Better stop giving a shit!"
  Headline: Several Clippers players were so fatigued during Game 7 against Denver that they struggled to play stints longer than three minutes and asked out of the game for a breather in the fourth quarter, sources say.
  Caption: MUH LOAD MANAGEMENT
  UT: We need some more "load management" up in this bitch. Hold on, I just ate some Chipotle, maybe my sphincter will put more of an effort than the Clippers did in these last three games! No wonder why nobody gives a fuck about the Clippers. Now everyone wants me to do a Goddamn "Legacy of Failure" vid on you when the time to do it is when Kawhi and PG13 leave!^note Only a year after making that series, the Clippers actually went farther than they ever went before, though they did not reach the NBA Finals that time either. By the way, how much did you trade to George? I forget.
  Caption: IT'S OKAY, YOU'RE STILL IN THE DRIVERS SEAT FOR GAME EIGHT
  * bonk noise*
  Headline: The Clippers are sending the Thunder four unprotected first-round picks, one protected first-round pick and two pick swaps, league sources tell ESPN. Those picks go to OKC with [Danilo] Gallinari and SGA.
  UT: A package that included four unprotected picks, a couple of pick swaps, and Shai Gilgeous-Alexander?! *Laughs with Titus' fake laugher in the background and an "Aw, come on, boo!" clip on the side to go with it.*
  Headline: Paul George: "Internally, we've always felt like this isn't a championship or bust year for us. We didn't have enough time together."
  Caption: YOUR DEFLECTION GAME IS STRONG, PANDEMIC P
  UT: Do you know how fucked you are if you don't win a ring in the next two or three years? You're going to make the Nets' trading for Garnett and Pierce look like a mere Andrew Bynum to the Sixers. I'm not going to say much more because you're not worth it, so I'll leave you with this...
  The screen then turns into a proper celebration mocking the Clippers' failures in the 2020 NBA Playoffs with a "Conglatuarion!" caption flashing by as the Denver Nuggets celebrated their series win over the Clippers along the way, followed by a cut of the 2020 NBA Playoff bracket, zooming into the area where the Clippers are near the second round of the playoffs.
  UT: Congratulations, your team still can't make it past the second round!
  Mocking UT: The Clippers can't make it past the second round of the playoffs! The Clippers can't make it past the second round of the playoffs! The Clippers can't make it past the second round of the playoffs! Second round of the playoffs! Second round of the playoffs! Second round of the playoffs! Second round of the playoffs! Second round, second round, second round, second round, second round, second round, second round, second round, second round, second round, second round, second round, second round, second round, second round, s-^note Turned out the madness ended only a year after that point, since they finally passed the second round of the Playoffs in 2021 under new head coach Tyronn Lue, despite the initial perception of looking worse during that season. However, they did not reach the NBA Finals that year, in part due to losing Kawhi Leonard and Serge Ibaka for that series. Worst yet, they didn't even make it to the Playoffs properly the season after that despite starting out as Seed 8 in the Play-In Tournament that time! (Though in defense of that one, not only was Kawhi Leonard out for the entire season (with Serge Ibaka out for most of the season himself), but Paul George also had serious injury problems during the season, with him capping it off with a COVID-19 infection announced on the very day of their do or die match-up against the New Orleans Pelicans.)
  Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
  Adam Sandler: You blew it!
  Caption below the Los Angeles Clippers' logo: Conglauration!
  [Test pattern]

Trust The (Failed) Process

• The video proceeds like Tree's typical Congratulations video (this one done in a step-by-step process) after the Philadelphia 76ers lost a series to the Atlanta Hawks, only this time, in a Take That! to his viewers, there is a special epilogue (The Walk of Shame) dedicated to comments calling him out for supposedly jinxing the Sixers from last year's video.

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