Series with their own page:
- Lolcows in Sports
- A Legacy of Failure
- The Haters Guide
- This Week in Sportsball
- Congrats, (Team Name)!
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The Vegas Golden Knights
- The video starts with black and white clips from Tree's previous videos on the Golden Knights, all of them expressing pessimism for the team's success and future. It seamlessly transitions into newly recorded audio of Tree, as the video turns to color, and the Golden Knights defy expectations:UT: Expansion is foolish, everyone said it, not just me. I mean look at these guys, they're going to be completely fucking terrible.
Headlines: LAS VEGAS IS A TERRIBLE PLACE FOR AN NHL TEAM
WOW THE GOLDEN KNIGHTS ARE GOING TO BE BAD
[Two tables of projected standings appear, showing the Golden Knights at or near the bottom of the Pacific Division]
UT: Everyone said it, not just me! Like they're actually going to prove me wrong and make me eat a bag of shit.
[Record Needle Scratch, as a headline stating GOLDEN KNIGHTS ROLL INTO MIDSEASON BREAK WITH WIN OVER RANGERS and Vegas's standings (29-10-2) appear.]
UT: God damm it.
The Cleveland Cavaliers
- In The Stinger, Tree splits his sides laughing at 76ers fans who thought LeBron James would sign for Philadelphia when he entered free agency, complete with the Simpsons clip of a TV anchorman pointing, laughing, and saying "You stupid...!".
- Over the Sonic the Hedgehog "Game Over" tune, Tree lays into DeMarcus Cousins for deciding to join the Golden State Warriors and "possibly win a championship ring on the cheap", further undermining any notion of league parity.UT: Thanks for proving me right at every turn, NBA! This league is a joke...
Caption: ONLY TWO WORDS SOUND THROUGHOUT THE DEEP... YOU'RE FUCKED.note
- Tree's second livestream:
- A fair bit of it consists of him ranting about Fortnite while playing it for the first time (most of which is sitting around and doing nothing). This is followed by a switch to NHL Hockey 94, wherein the chat demands the Hartford Whalers be one of the teams for the sake of hearing the 16-bit "Brass Bonanza". Shortly after one of the CPU Whalers gets knocked out of the game, a donation notice chimed in with a "*crunch* Oh no, there's a man down!" to Tree's amusement.
- Eventually, to honor a bet, UT ate a Pitts-Burger while Here We Go plays on repeat in the background. He dreaded this experience.
- In Tree's third livestream on the 2019 NHL trade deadline, Tree expresses his pleasure that the Pittsburgh Penguins did not make any significant trades, only to see the news break that the Penguins traded Tanner Pearson for Erik Gudbranson, who he describes as "quite possibly one of the worst players in the league". Tree put together a video of the highlights of the debacle.UT: Im really happy the Pens didnt do anything though. Cause if they had traded their first found pick for like a Cody Ceci I would have flipped shit, and it would have been very very ugly.
Voiceover: It was at this moment that he knew, he fucked up.
[A fanfare, the clip of the laughing anchor from the Simpsons, and A new record! play as an on-screen caption (OPENING SALVO FIRED) points out the first comment made about the Gudbranson acquisition]
UT: [continuing on as normal, answering a fans question] You didnt really miss much on the Buffalo-Anaheim trade,note I mainly felt that, um
[UT falls silent as he sees the many comments on the Gudbranson trade]
UT: Erik Gudbrno, no, no Erik Gudbranson to the Pens, please! No! Wait, wait, please! Dont tell me they traded for Gudbranson, Gudbranson sucks. No! NO!!! Fffffffffffffuck.
UT: They traded their first-round pick for Gudbranson didnt they?note Son of a fuck, the moment I say like Im glad the Pens didnt do something at the deadline, that fucking comes up. Are you fucking serious? NO!
- Related to the example above, in a weekly livestream with FivePoints, the two are covering the 2019 NFL Draft, with FivePoints hoping the New York Giants use the number six pick on either Dwayne Haskins or Josh Allen. Instead, the Giants went with Daniel Jones. FivePoints did not take it well at all, silently leaving to retrieve a beer while UT laughed heartily.[Tree's mom's dog barks in the background]
Caption: THE DOGS ARE USUALLY THE FIRST TO SENSE IMMEDIATE DANGER.
FPV: What the fuck was that?
UT: That was my dog. Er, my mother's dog.
Caption: BUT LITTLE DID WE KNOW WHAT THE DERP HAD UP THEIR SLEEVE.
FPV: Oh, okay.
Caption: [as the chat blows up with news of Daniel Jones being picked] FIRST SHOTS FIRED!
UT: What the hell, oh my god! WHAT?! [laughing]
Caption: THE LAUGHTER BEGINS.
UT: Oh my god!
Caption: A REALIZATION SLOWLY SETS IN FOR THE POOR GIANTS FAN: HIS TEAM'S OFFSEASON HAS SOMEHOW BECOME EVEN WORSE.
UT: Dude, did he have a deal with Dan Snyder?
UT: [cracking up] You've gone deathly silent! AHAHAHAHAHA!
[as Tree bursts into laughter and The Derp Song beings playing, FPV leaves his seat]
Caption: HIS REMAINING SHREDS OF HOPE AND OPTIMISM: GONE.
UT: (still laughing) WHAT THE FU—(keeps laughing) Whaaat?!
(As UT continues laughing, FPV walks back into frame, hand over his mouth and beer in the other)
UT: (still laughing)
Caption: DEATH HAS A FACE: AND IT'S BALD
FPV: (looks around, disgusted, as camera zooms in)
UT: KEEP THE CHAT GOING, PLEASE! (keeps laughing)
(FPV walks back to his seat, normalizing the zoom, and quickly downs his beer)
UT: Aw, sh—! (breaks down laughing again)
Caption: YOU'RE GONNA NEED MORE OF THAT WHERE YOUR TEAM'S GOING, MAN
UT: (wheeze-laughs as FPV spikes the empty can off-camera)
Caption: HE EXPECTED NOTHING, YET HE IS SOMEHOW STUNNED AT THE DERP
FPV: (turns away from the camera while UT is still laughing)
UT: Aw, man. What the f—(laughs again)
Caption: THE OUTCOME IS STUNNING
DANIEL JONES OVER JOSH DANIELS AND DWAYNE HASKINS
UT: How do you feel about Gettleman now, Mr. Five Points?
Caption: THE GIANTS PROBABLY COULD'VE GOTTEN JONES WITH THE 17TH PICK
FPV: (returns to his seat) Did Gettleman serve our country in the armed forces and receive some type of metal plate in his fucking head?! What the—?! (Face Palm into Angrish)
UT: I dunno...
Caption: YOU CANNOT REPLICATE THESE LEVELS OF SALT AND LOST HOPE
UT: Because people are idiots, that's why.
Caption: IT'S A FEELING MANY GIANTS FANS ARE EXPERIENCING AS WE SPEAK
UT: Was Daniel Jones even projected to go that far?
FPV: (severely indignant) He's not on anyone's fucking draft board at six!
Caption: MOST DRAFT BOARDS AND MEDIA PUNDITS RANKED HASKINS OVER JONES
Caption: SOME EVEN HAD DREW LOCK RANKED OVER JONES
FPV: They could've waited 'til 17! And now fucking...(leans back in his seat with a Face Palm; meanwhile, a partially-transparent clip of a building being imploded is played over FPV's despair) Nobody was talking about him as the 6th pick, alright? Fucking...nobody...wanted Daniel Jones...as the 6th pick...it's fucking Dave Brown all over again!
Caption: DAVE BROWN INSULTS. OH SHIT, WE'VE STRUCK A DEEP NERVE.
UT: (a bit in awe) Dave Brown—that's a name, my friend! That is a name.
Caption: NEXT COME THE RAY HANDLEY AND BEN MCADOO QUIPS
UT: Dude...if Dan Snyder throws a load at Jacksonville, I'm just gonna laugh hysterically. And your reaction was priceless! I LOVE IT! (laughs again)
Caption: SPOILER: HE DIDN'T
Caption: THAT HILARIOUS FEELING WHEN DAN SNYDER HAS MORE FOOTBALL SAVVY
- The Penguins make another questionable acquisition when the NHL's free agency opened in 2019. After the Pens signed Brandon Tanev for $3.5 million per year for 6 years, Tree melted down during his livestream. Once again, there's a highlight video.UT: Three point five mil for six...what?....Did I read that correctly?
Caption: YES, YOU DID, YINZER
- During the 2019 NFL Season Prediction edition of the Dumpster Fire, Tree, FivePointsVids, Brandon Perna of ThatsGoodSports, and one of the stream supporters were also following the New York Mets entering the bottom of the ninth in a crucial game against the Washington Nationals.
- The Mets had a 10-4 lead and a 99.9% chance of winning. The Nationals proceeded to chip away at that lead because of New York's shoddy bullpen, resulting in utter disaster once much-maligned Edwin Diaz came in to bail the Mets out with a slim 10-8 lead and another death of all optimism for FPV:FPV: Tell me they're not going to walk Kurt Suzuki to load the bases? What the fuck are they doing?!
Caption: WHEN A SHITPOSTER HAS MORE SENSE THAN A MANAGER...
UT: Because it's the Mets. This is Edlose Diaz, what do you expect?
Caption: SADLY, "BECUASE IT'S THE METS" IS A LOGICAL EXPLANATION HERE.
THEN IT HAPPENS...
[Suzuki proceeds to hit a three-run walkoff homer to complete the comeback]
Bob Carpenter:note Kurt Suzuki...see...you...LATER!
UT: OH GOD, THE METS LOST!
FPV: WHAT?! [cue uproarious laughter from everyone else on stream]
Caption: WE HAVE WITNESSED LOLMETS ON A GRAND SCALE.
UT: [in his Mets Man voice as "Meet the Mets" plays in the background] YET ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL METTING!
[Tree resumes his uproarious laughter as FPV is completely dejected.]
Caption: THE METS SOMEHOW OUTMETTED THEMSELVES YET AGAIN
AND IN A GAME THEY DESPERATELY NEEDED TO WIN
A POTENTIAL DEATH BLOW TO THEIR PLAYOFF AMBITIONS
NOW WE SEE OPTIMISM DIE...
BACK TO THE DUMPSTER FIRE...
[On the stream feed, FPV scrolls through his Twitter feed; a .gif of the conga line around the bases can be briefly seen.]
Caption: THE JOY THEY BRING TO THE REST OF BASEBALL IS IMMENSE
SUCH FAILURE CONDENSED INTO A BITE-SIZED PACKAGE
SPOILER: THEY'LL PROBABLY FINISH A GAME OR TWO OUT OF A SPOT.note
GAMES LIKE THIS WILL HAUNT THEM FOR A WHILE.
@FivePointsVids: Fuck Edwin Diaz.
Caption: THE SALT IS VERY, VERY REAL.
- Oh, but things get better once UT and the rest of the chat notice the Stunned Silence from FPV going on a little longer than anticipated...UT: I feel like Five Points has just left the building now...
Caption: WE DID NOT EXPECT TO SEE SUCH MISERY PERSONIFIED, HOWEVER...
(Back on FPV's screen, it shows his Twitter feed and his browser, but not him. He then makes himself visible on his window...and the laughter doubles in intensity)
FPV: (stares at his computer screen with a look of quiet dejection)
UT: (incoherent jibberish through hysterical laughter while numerous voice shout "BALD!" over and over again, followed by a "MY EYES!")
Caption: LOOK AT THIS MAN
YOU CANNOT REPLICATE HOW BROKENN THIS MAN IS AS A FAN
HIS OPTIMISM FOR HIS TEAM: ONCE AGAIN DEAD
FPV: (Face Palm)
Caption: THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS SIMPLE
NEVER HAVE HOPE FOR THE METS
THEY WILL ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO MESS THINGS UP
A FANTASTIC HITTING CORE AND EXCELLENT STARTING PITCHING
POTENTIALLY WASTED BECAUSE THE METS KEEP METTINGnote
UT: Let's do that again tomorrow!
Brandon Perna: Oh, that was pathetic.
Caption: NOW HE HAS A YINZER AND A GUEST CONTRIBUTOR DUNKING ON HIM
UT: It was! LOOK AT HOW DEJECTED HE IS! (more laughter)
Caption: HE CAN'T EVEN COUNTER WITH THE PIRATES, BECAUSE WE KNOW THEY SUCK
Caption: IT LOOKS LIKE A PICTURE OF A STAVRING ORPHAN FROM A 90'S PSA
"THANKS TO THE METS, THIS POOR CHILD WILL GO HUNGRY TONIGHT"
"FOR JUST $1 A DAY, YOU CAN HELP HIS TEAM GET A REAL MANAGEMENT GROUP"
THEN THE MONEY IS PILFERED BY THE WILPONS IN A PONZI SCHEME
- The Mets had a 10-4 lead and a 99.9% chance of winning. The Nationals proceeded to chip away at that lead because of New York's shoddy bullpen, resulting in utter disaster once much-maligned Edwin Diaz came in to bail the Mets out with a slim 10-8 lead and another death of all optimism for FPV:
- The December 10, 2019 edition of Dumpster Fire had FPV promising that if a viewer donates $200, he will wear a male romper for the next broadcast. It actually happened, and the following week he followed through, dancing to the introduction while wearing it. And then Tree promises the same thing if someone donates '''$500'''. The donation happened on the December 30 edition, and the following week he too obliged.
- In the Dumpster Fire podcast covering the 2020 NFL Draft, FPV was hoping that the Giants would use the fourth overall pick on a much-needed defensive player, where Derrick Brown and Mekhi Becton were the highest-ranking prospects for that niche. He took the fact that they chose Andrew Thomas about as well as when they picked Daniel Jones the year prior. UT was having a hearty laugh at the reaction rather than the pick itselfnote , and to rub salt in the wound, a few minutes later a viewer made a $500 superchat to make FPV honor a wager that he'll wear a plunger like a yarmulke. All of this by the way beautifully recapped on UT's own channel.
- UT's guest spot on Five Points Vids' TRIGGERING ALL 31 NHL TEAMS. He's brought in specifically to roast The Fucking Penguins(tm):UT: What the hell can we say about Those Fucking Penguins(tm), a team that has had luck and bullshit spew out of their ass so fast that it almost jettisoned their asses to Kansas City? A team that has conveniently lucked into three generational talents as they were bankrupt and on the verge of moving? A team that nobody in Pittsburgh gave a flying fuck about until they realized they didn't suck a bag of dicks anymore?note The only thing more embarrassing than yinzers viciously pleasuring themselves to beating Philly and the Caps is their tank-job to get Lemieux back in The '80s. If you mention this at all to them, they'll whine like Crosby and the rest of their blue-blooded ilk while Matt Cooke ends someone's career. Never forget the '04-'05 squad, either. Nobody can name three players on that team if they got beaten in the face with them. May the spirit of David Volek haunt Pittsburgh for eternity for their ignorance. Now please excuse them while fans boo Jágr for crimes of dying alive.
- 0-16: The Story of the 2017 Cleveland Browns: A montage of the Browns' legendarily awful 2017 season, laced with callbacks to Tree's original Lolcow video and fury from Browns fans.
- After a 7-0 routing of the Flyers by the Penguins, UT took the win about as well as you'd expect...
- 2018 was not a good year for Tree. He had so many sport predictions go wrong, as well as seeing a lot of his easy targets go down, he made a Twitter post about it while changing his username to UrinatingREEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
- When discussing the MLB's declining attendance, UT uses a series of dramatic transitions for why each team is suffering from attendance problems. The last one, however, has his logo with the text "Just wanted to do this transition again" under it.
- Days after the World Cup passed, Tree decided to do a video on the aftermath, admitting that there may be some mistakes along the way.
- When going over the performance of Costa Rica and Panama:UT: Thank God I don't have to see that pathetic excuse for a US soccer team be trotted out to get blown the fuck out at group stages. Now we get to settle for Panama and Costa Rica get blown out and their fans treating it as an honor to be there. This is why you don't lose to fucking Trinidad, kids! (test card; cut to footage of a Sweden vs. Italy qualifying match) Speaking of failures, where the fuck did Italy go? (headlines of organizational upheaval among Italy's national team and FA upon failure to qualify for the first time since 1958, coupled with a "SHAMEFUR DISPRAY!")
- UT keeps erroneously referring to Croatia's national team as the Three Lions (the nickname for England's national team). He did at least catch it after recording his lines:
- At the end, going over how France "celebrates" its victory:UT: France however also gets a glorious trophy. You know what that means, it's time for some riots! (footage of various riots and lootings with La Marseillaise playing in the background, occasionally with Glass Joe's "Vive la France!" sprinkled in) Well done, chaps! That's another exciting tour of the World Cup! May Russia enjoy financial misery as FIFA rakes in shitloads of cash for being a nonprofit! It's one of the greatest scams in all of sports! We will see you all in four years as football's holy grail travels to- (needle scratch) Qatar?! They're still hellbent on going there? This is gonna be a shitshow and a half!
- When going over the performance of Costa Rica and Panama:
- A meta example, but it turns out the Steelers have blocked Tree on Twitter. The kicker? He never even posted anything on their page.
- In "A Yinzer in Jerryworld," he's shown on-screen attempting some practice drills at the Cowboys' facility, outright saying "this is going to be a fail montage". When it comes time to try the vertical leap, Tree fails to hit even the lowest possible marker. The video goes black and white with a Grand Theft Auto V "WASTED" graphic flashing on the screen.
- In the 2019 AFC Divisional Round, the Kansas City Chiefs raced to a 24-7 lead in the first half against the Indianapolis Colts, and Tree clearly expected Full Reid to take hold as it did when the Chiefs led the Colts by 28 points in their 2014 AFC Wild Card game. The end result did not go unremarked upon...*COLTS DOWN 7-24 AT HALF*
FOOTBALL GODS: "It's cool, guys. Full Reid will be commencing shortly. We need our humor quota to be fulfulled. [sic]
*CHIEFS PROCEED NOT TO GO FULL REID, WIN GAME*
FOOTBALL GODS: [GIF of a stunned Pikachu blinking in and out of focus]
- In the 2020 AFC Divisional Round, the 14-2 Baltimore Ravens were heavily favoured against the 9-7 Tennessee Titans, despite the latter having de-throned the New England Patriots in the Wild Card round. The surprising end result led to an unfavourable comparison to a similar matchup from the previous spring's Stanley Cup playoffs...TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING - "We can embarrass ourselves on a national scale against a team we're expected to pulverize."
BALTIMORE RAVENS - "That's amateur shit. Watch and learn from the master."
*BALTIMORE PULLS OFF A PRO GAMER MOVE*
The Lightning even lost at imploding.
- FPV's video for If Every NFL Team Interviewed New Fans where UT stands in as a potential new Steelers fan:FPV: What are your thoughts on Iron City Beer?
UT: (in a dimly lit room being filmed on a shitty webcam...and with a heavy Yinzer accent) I love it!
FPV: What do you think of Eagles fans?
UT: Dere a buncha jagoffs!
FPV: What's your favorite salad topping?
UT: I prefer French fries and a nice, healthy dustage ah ranch dressin'!
FPV: What do you think of the Primanti Bros.?
UT: (normal voice) Eh, it's overrated.
FPV: Get the fuck outta here!