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The Cleveland Browns - Professional Football's Lolcow

The Jacksonville Jaguars: Professional Football's Forgotten Lolcow

  • Three words: Shocked Jaguars Fan.
    UT: Let me put it to you this way: This is the most notable thing to come out of that franchise in the past decade. Look at it. Soak. It. In.
  • "I know this'll probably piss off Jaguars fans. But there's a part of me that feels sorry for all eight of them."

The San Francisco 49ers: Professional Football's newest Lolcow

The New York Jets - Professional Football's Buttfumble

  • "J-E-T-S SUCK, SUCK, SUCK!" (crowd cheers as man flips everyone off)
  • The painful Hope Spot of the Jets possibly making it into the playoffs at the end of the '15-'16 season against the Bills:
    UT: The final game of the Jets' 2015 season was one filled with a surprising amount of hope for Jets fans: win and they're in the playoffs. And, even better, they're playing the walking mediocrity that is the Buffalo Bills. This is one of those rare years that they aren't in the league's cellar. Who knows what happens to them in the playoffs. They've literally got their ticket punched for them...oh, right, this is the Jets. They completely prolapsed the entire game with Fitz-ceptions all around. The Jets lose, and fail to make the playoffs. Their fans immediately increase their alcohol consumption tenfold. Jack Daniels and Fireball immediately sell out within a five-mile radius. (sound of glass shattering) The New York Jets, everyone!
  • According to Tree, the only bright spot in Jets history is their upset win in Super Bowl III over the Baltimore Colts, which cemented the legacy of Joe Namath - "the most overrated quarterback of all time".note  And he's still one of the best they've ever had - especially compared to their then-current quarterback:
    UT: Who else have they had play QB over the years? A bunch of past-their-prime entities, gobs upon gobs of failed draft picks, [a clip of Mark Sanchez appears, captioned "FULL SANCHISE"] and a swath of forgotten mediocrities. Their most successful quarterback over the past twenty-five years... is Chad Pennington. Jesus fucking Christ in the ass with no lube... To be fair, he's still a hell of a lot better than Duck Dynasty imitato Ryan Fitzpatrick, who fits both the ageing journeyman and forgotten mediocrity checklist. He somehow pulled a strong year out of his ass last season - well, excluding that shitshow in the most important game - and suddenly decided he was hot shit. He demanded all of the money from the Jets. The Jets respond by laughing him out of the building. They have in-house options like Bryce Petty, and Geno Smith!... [scoffs] I can't even pretend to be optimistic about that! It was the most hilarious contract holdout in recent history. Fitzception never got a reasonable contract offer from any other team, and the Jets did nothing to try and replace him. What's a more Jetsy thing to do than re-sign such mediocrity to a one-year pity contract? It's like a couple getting into a massive argument, and then reconciling with an incredibly depressing handjob.
  • "It's also pretty hard for the Jets to build from within as well. There's no other way to describe their drafting than 'legendarily bad.'" So begins a montage of hilarious failure entitled "Jets drafting in two minutes", many clips in which feature reaction shots of Jets fans in utter misery. Lowlights include:
    • Drafting Ken O'Brien in 1983 when Dan Marino was still available.note 
      Pete Rozelle: Jets take, as their first round selection... quarterback... [shouts of anticipation from Jets fans; a video clip of a young Marino appears in the top right of the screen]
      Caption: Marino intensifies
      Pete Rozelle: ... Ken O'Brien of California-Davis. [reaction shot of Jets fans groaning and facepalming]
      Caption: Pete Rozelle, 10/10 epic troll
    • Drafting fullback Roger Vick from Texas A&M in the first round in 1987.note 
      Pete Rozelle: New York Jets' first round selection... fullback...
      Offscreen Jets fan: OH, GOD, NO! (a shot of Darth Vader's Big "NO!" from Revenge of the Sith appears in the top right of the screen)
      Pete Rozelle: ... Roger Vick, Texas A&M. (reaction shot of dumbfounded Jets fans)
    • The choice of Nebraska tight end Johnny Mitchell in the first round in 1992note  prompts cries of disgust and dismay from the Jets fans in the audience. Fast-forward to 1995, with Miami defensive tackle and future Hall of Famer Warren Sapp still available...
      Jets fans: [chanting] WE WANT SAPP! WE WANT SAPP! WE WANT SAPP! [the broadcast footage cuts to a shot of a young Sapp, the broadcasters anticipating the Jets will select him]
      Paul Tagliabue: ... the New York Jets select tight end, from Penn State, Kyle Brady. [reaction shot of dismayed Jets fans]note 
      Simpsons anchor: [points at screen] You stupid...! [trails off laughing]
    • Drafting OSU kicker Mike Nugent in the second round in 2005; the announcement of his name is followed by slack-jawed shock from a horrified Jets fan.note 
    • Drafting OSU defensive end Vernon Gholston in 2008, greeted with enthusiasm from both Jets fans at the draft and ESPN's Chris Berman, who exclaims "And the Jets have just won the Super Bowl!" The caption No sacks, cut in three years appears with the 1980s Mac OS "quack" sound effect,note  summing up why Gholston is considered one of the biggest draft busts in Jets history (and as this list makes apparent, there's a lot of competition for that title).
    • Drafting USC quarterback (and future butt-fumbler) Mark Sanchez in 2009. A reaction shot of cheering Jets fans at the announcement, captioned "Before Sanchise", is followed with footage of Sanchez throwing an intercepted pass against the Titans and a shot of Jets fans with green paper bags over their heads with Sanchez' name written on them, captioned "After Sanchise".
    • Outdoing themselves in 2013 with three terrible draft picks in the first two rounds.
      [first round, the Jets have pick No.9]
      Roger Goodell: The New York Jets select... Dee Milliner, defensive back, Alabama.
      Voice: [from behind the handheld camera pointed at the TV screen in this footage] Dee Milliner, nice pick! Nice pick!
      [the Jets fans in the audience at the draft disagree, greeting the news with a mass double thumbs down and sneers of disapproval]
      Caption: [quack!] Cut in three years ["Nope!"]
      [four picks later...]note 
      Roger Goodell: ... the thirteenth pick in the 2013 NFL draft...
      Caption: [rushing across the screen, echoing the audience] What???
      Roger Goodell: ... the New York Jets select... Sheldon Richardson, defensive back, Missouri.
      [footage of an irate Jets fan at a game standing up in his seat]
      Jets fan: I SWEAR TO GOD, WE SUCK! [turns to the other fans and motions them to join in] WE SUCK! WE SUCK!
      Headlines: Sheldon Richardson Arrested After Being Clocked at 143 MPH in Bentley
      Jets discipline Richardson for profanity-laden Snapchat post
      [the next day, the Jets have the 39th pick overall]
      Wayne Chrebet:note  New York Jets select Geno Smith, quarterback, West Virginia.
      Caption: His jaw: Permanently brokennote 
    • Drafting Penn State quarterback Christian Hackenberg in the second round in 2016, as announced by 2000 Jets draftee Chad Pennington and greeted with enthusiasm by a fan at the draft. Cue footage of Hackenberg hopelessly misfiring an easily-intercepted pass against the Eagles, accompanied by the Engineer's "Nope!"
  • He lets them have it with a diatribe on the most notorious moment in the franchise's recent history (footage of which is accompanied by the Super Mario Bros. sound effect for Mario hitting his head on an unbreakable object at Sanchez's "moment of impact"):
    UT: [as Grieg's "In the Hall of the Mountain King" plays in the background] So if you can't draft, can't play, and can't care, what the hell is this team even notable for anymore—oh, that's right! The Butt-fumble! One of the greatest plays to ever be devised by the Football Gods for our comedic enjoyment! Shocked Jaguars Fan may be a depressing offering, but he at least has dignity; "Butt-fumble" is so full of shame it's now a figure of speech. It is the perfect representation of failure, buffoonery, submission, and outstanding comedic timing that football has been dying for since Jim Marshall ran the wrong way for a safety. I could play this clip on repeat for five minutes with "Yakety Sax" in the background and it would just as strongly prove my case! In fact, I'll go further and say that this play is the perfect microcosm of the Jets organization. Everything surrounding this team is a butt-fumble. Their performance [in 2016-17]? Butt-fumble. The free agent signings are usually butt-fumbles. How they play in critical games? Absolutely a butt-fumble. Brett Favre sending dick picks? He butt-fumbled. John Idzik's tenure? Total butt-fumble! Rex Ryan constantly butt-fumbled his way around the sidelines for six seasons. Rich Kotite? That dude even looks like a butt-fumble! Bill Belichick butt-fumbled by accepting a head coaching position with the Jets, then gloriously un-butt-fumbled on a paper napkin! The Jets butt-fumbled by injuring Drew Bledsoe!note  Ryan Fitzpatrick's contract holdout was a double-butt-fumble! They continue to draft butt-fumble after butt-fumble after butt-fumble. Even their fan base, like Fireman Ed, is a butt-fumble. They drink themselves into a stupor after witnessing such butt-fumbling, and then butt-fumble their way into creating more butt-fumbling bastard-spawn.note  This play should be enshrined and bronzed as a statue outside of MetLife Stadium for all of us to bask in and enjoy, courtesy of a donation from the Mara family.note  Our future children and grandchildren should be able to laugh like we all did on that glorious day for millennia to come!

The Cincinnati Bengals: Professional Football's Recurring Lolcow

  • The embodiment of From Bad to Worse that is the final minutes of the 2016 Wild Card game between the Bengals and the Steelers. The Bengals haven't won a playoff game since 1990 and have been flushed out in the Wild Card game four years running, but backup Steelers quarterback Landry Jones has a pass intercepted by Vontaze Burfict with 1:36 left in the fourth quarter and Cincinnati leading 16-15; is this the year they finally turn things around? No.
    • Tree congratulates Cincinnati on the interception, and notes they just need to run down the clock to clinch victory and emerge from the shadow of their 1990s/2000s lolcowdom. The wheels fall off on the very next play:
      [Jeremy Hill tries to run the ball - and the clock - but fumbles to the Engineer's "Nope!", and the ball is recovered by Steelers linebacker Ryan Shazier]
      UT: Oh, God, not this again. To have the game so, so close to victory, and make yet another basic mistake has the potential for disaster. Thoughts of the past ten years are rushing into the heads of Bengals fans everywhere. Nearly every year was full of postseason promise, only to crumble, choke, or blow away games with amazing fashion. Carson Palmer's knee getting destroyed at home in 2006 against the Steelers. [the play in question is overdubbed with a Sickening "Crunch!", Fred from SpongeBob SquarePants yelling "My leg!" and Pat Summerall declaring "Oh, no, there's a man down".] A stunning loss to Mark Sanchez and the Jets. Giving up twenty unanswered points to the goddamn Chargers. And being humiliated by the Houston Texans. Twice. You haven't even made it out of the Wild Card game in all of these years. This season can't end in yet another failure. This year has to be different. It has to be. They're forced to bring out a Big Ben loaded up with enough painkillers to put an elephant in a coma.note  The Steelers can not humiliate the Bengals again.
    • And then the axles break in half as the Bengals start destroying their own hopes more than the Steelers could hope to do:
      [having driven 43 yards to the Bengals' 47-yard line, Ben Roethlisberger tries to pass the ball to Antonio Brown; the pass is incomplete, but Vontaze Burfict smashes into Brown's helmet with his own, taking him out of the game and getting the Bengals slapped with a 15-yard unnecessary roughness penalty]
      UT: [disgusted] Vontaze Burfict. He had to pick this fucking time to try and kill somebody. On one of the biggest plays of his career, he egregiously makes a blatant helmet-to-helmet hit. He went from hero to goat in world record time. This is nearly every goddamn week with this guy. Don't even argue with me about his abilities. Burfict has been trying to target people since his rookie season. The NFL preaches about player safety, yet this guy is still on the field!? This man is a total thug, plain and simple. The only true potential he has is to share a jail cell with Greg Hardy in ten years. Get this piece of shit out of the league. [footage of the infamous clip of Steelers free safety Mike Mitchell's high-pitched screaming after being hit with a face mask-pulling penalty against the Browns in January 2017] And take Mike Mitchell with you. Can this get ANY worse?
    • And then, to continue the metaphor, the engine blows up...
      [arguments erupt over the penalty call against Burfict, culminating in Adam "Pacman" Jones taking a swipe at an official and getting the Bengals hit with another 15-yard penalty, giving the Steelers the ball on the 17-yard line]
      UT: Are you motherfucking kidding me, Pacman?! You hit the goddamn ref when you know damn well another penalty will put them in field goal range!? Are you fucking dense?! All we kept hearing about was how [various headlines appear claiming that Jones is cleaning up his life and his attitude] Adam Jones was doing so well to contain his emotions, and he does this!? It doesn't even matter if Joey Porter was trolling people on the field. You do not touch the ref. [a red "No" symbol appears with a buzzer over footage of the incident] Even worse are your postgame rants.
      [the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme plays over handheld camera footage of Jones]
      Adam Jones: You got fuckin', um, uh... Jared Porter [a picture of Joey Porter, captioned with his name, appears in the top right] in the middle of the fuckin' field talkin' shit to everybody, [a Trollface rises into frame in the bottom left] why didn't somebody say somethin' to him, when he pushed me on the fuckin' field!? [the Trollface ducks out of frame again]
      [cut to footage of Jones calling Dan Patrick on his eponymous show]
      Dan Patrick: Was Antonio Brown actually hurt?
      Adam Jones: [over phone] Man, Antonio Brown was not hurt.
      Dan Patrick: You think he was faking it?
      Adam Jones: I know he was faking. Go back and look at the play. [slow-motion footage of the play appears] If you go back and slow-motion the play, [at the moment of impact, an arrow appears next to Brown with the caption "TOTALLY FAKED CONCUSSION"] you tell me that, that, uh, Vontaze hit him in the head, or did his shoulder pad barely touch him. [the hit is shown from another angle, this time with the caption "'BARELY GRAZED' -DR. PACMAN"] I think he need a Grammy award [with a Mac OS "quack", a picture of a Grammy appears, captioned "EMMY"] for that.
      UT: Fucking Pacman. You had more goddamn dignity when you were in TNA.
      [back in the game, Chris Boswell kicks the winning field goal; 18-16 Steelers]

The Chicago Bears: Professional Football's Legacy Lolcow

  • The Bears have been so bad for so long, and UT ponders as to why...
    UT: I don't know what's more amazing—the fact that the Chicago Bears are such a lower-profile circus act, or that there are still avid fans of the team.note  Having a good year as often as Halley's Comet will take a lot of enthusiasm out of people. But here we are—another forgettable season and more wasteful stenches coming out of Soldier Field. Did I mention this has been almost every year for the last 25 years? I think I know why you've been punished like this...
    1985 Chicago Bears: ♪ We are the Bears shufflin' crew ♪—
    Filthy Frank: (via green screen) THIS NEEDS TO STOP. NOW.
  • His rants on the family that owns the Bears...The McCaskeys!
    (Musical Sting and Dramatic Thunder as The McCaskeys!!!! Wreathed in Flames shakes back and forth on-screen)
    UT: I don't know why it keeps doing that...

The Pittsburgh Steelers: Professional Football's Pharisee

  • Sure he took his local team to task, but the setup for it reeks of Excuse Plot...
    UT: Hmm...I'm bored. I'm open to some requests for material. Fire away, everyone.
    Requester: DO THE STEELERS!
    UT: ...you know what? You're on!
  • Le'Veon Bell is another target of his ire, citing his abject greed and stubbornness despite his talent.
    UT: Hate to say it, because he sheds talent like he does tackles, but the dude's a lolcow. "But how can he be a lolcow?" you ask. He's one of the best runningbacks in the game. The man just wants to get paid, you ignorant hack!" Simple. Two words: rap career.
    Caption: What you are hearing is not a parody track. This track is 100% legit. As terrible as this track is, it's one of the better ones he has. And fuck Skip Bayless, too.
    UT: (disgusted shudder) Don't quit your day job anytime soon, buddy...
  • "Then there's Antonio Brown—(shows a picture of Narcissus staring at his reflection in a pond)—sorry, Antonio Brown. (shows footage of him being chauffeured to training camp in an antique, open-top Rolls Royce limousine)
  • He's had it with fans in his hometown area, too...
    UT: Do you want to know the worst part of this organization? The fan base. Oh, jumpin' Jesus Christ, the fan base. You thought the Eagles' fans were bad? Steeler Nation makes them look like choir boys. Growing up and marinating in this shit, I'd rather waltz into the old Vet and get pelted with snowballs all game long than deal with a yinzer. Everybody talks about how "loyal" the fans are. How they wouldn't give up on the team no matter what happens! They obviously drank the Kool-Aid. In reality, we are some of the most knee-jerk sacks of shit you will ever meet! [shows fans walking out during a fourth quarter blowout against the Ravens] Look at the stands every time they are losing in the second half of a home game and THEN lecture me about their "loyalty". We are the type of people that will go from gloating about how this team is going to win the Super Bowl one week, to demanding everybody and their mother be fired the next! Mike Tomlin may be a walking cliche dispenser who doesn't know how to manage a game clock if his life depended on it, but he's still a Top 10 coach in the league. Most fans want him fired after every loss and even some victories!

The New York Giants: Professional Football's Sentient Derp

  • The Recurring Riff that is The Derp Song throughout the video.
    [Week 2, 2017; the Lions are paying a visit to MetLife Stadium and lead 17-10 in the fourth quarter. The Derp Song plays in the background as the Giants' Brad Wing punts the ball after a failed drive]
    Jon Gruden: ... dropping the football's a big reason for [the Giants not scoring points].
    Sean McDonough: Odell Beckham Jr. dropped eight in the regular season last year, that was sixth most in the league. [Lions cornerback Jamal Agnew catches the punt...] Booming punt by Wing... [... and the Giants fail miserably to stop him from running 88 yards for a touchdown] Jamal Agnew, a nice return!
    Jon Gruden: Look out!
    Sean McDonough: Goes by the punter, Wing, and he is off to the races!...
    UT: Welcome to Giants country, a land where the Derp is a way of life. Where the ways of Derp are passed along from generation to generation until it evolves into a sentient being.
  • Playing up Eli Manning as some kind of football Idiot Savant:
    UT: Look at that guy, he's a Derp-and-a-half! The other half comes from his performance in games—one moment, he looks like he should be sitting next to Archie in the stands; then comes the fourth quarter, in which he develops incredible quarterbacking powers, and somehow Derps his way into two Super Bowl victories against the Patriots' juggernaut. You guys remember when he was fucking terrible and the Giants nearly ran him out of town? That might happen again soon. That man may be one of the most overrated quarterbacks in the game today, but he gave us 18-1. So I'd say he gets a pass for pawning off fake game-worn memorabilia to purveyors...right?
  • Describing Odell Beckham Jr. as like Antonio Brown, but just a sliver less of a diva...a sliver...
    UT: When he's not openly abusing kicking nets, he's demanding to be paid all of the money. It doesn't matter if he blew it in the playoffs and skipped OTA's, with his talent, there is sure to be some team desperate enough to throw him all of the boat parties he desires. I mean, he's gotta get his hair on point! He has to look good while he's catching all those—(footage of OBJ kneeling and slumped over in the tunnels leading away from the field)—oh, dear...
  • The video is an Unintentional Period Piece, as the Giants were predicted to go to Super Bowl LII at the time of recording. They went 3-13, and their division rivals, the Philadelphia Eagles, won it, instead.
  • The ultimate Derp, Ben McAdoo.
    UT: [as the Derp Song plays in the background] Heck, I think I hear some theme music in the background. Why, it's none other than the ultimate Derp, Ben McAdoo! Slowly bumbling his way around the sidelines pretending to be an NFL coach, his tactical incompetence only matched by his borderline sex offender profile. This man is a pair of sweat pants and a wifebeater away from being a 7th grade phys ed teacher at a New England prep school. [headlines about player suspensions and allegations that McAdoo has lost control of the locker room appear] If you figure something is going wrong with the Giants, it's probably this guy's fault.
    Caption: Fucker makes Ray Handley look competent in comparison
    UT: Hell, he's probably slipping in shots of vodka in the office. Look at his motivational tactics: reading a book! Game of Thrones! An old-ass lion! [a headline appears for each "motivational tactic"] That's gonna motivate his players to not get injured!
  • This season was supposed to give Giants fans hope for another Super Bowl run. This Hope Spot is exemplified by their Week 8 mollywhopping at the hands of the Rams (NFL: Woeful Giants fall to 1-7 as the Rams rout them 51-17), complete with footage of a burning building superimposed onto game footage, the sounds of air raid sirens and bombs going off, and a clip from the Simpsons episode "Bart's Comet" of bystanders standing around, cringing, and tugging at their collars. Of course, the Derp Song is playing throughout these highlights as well.
    UT: For fuck's sake, Giants, I didn't expect you to imitate Holodomor, but you did just that.
  • The Giants have had a rather...straightforward offensive game...
    UT: The running game hasn't existed in over five years; but look at that wide receiving core!
    Headlines: (Sickening "Crunch!") Giants lose return man Dwayne Harris for year with broken foot
    Sterling Shepard Suffers Ankle Injury vs. Chargers, Reportedly May Miss 2 Weeks
    Brandon Marshall to have season-ending ankle surgery
    UT: ...at least you've got OBJ?
    (Sickening "Crunch!" and sound of someone screaming)
    Headline: Odell Beckham Jr. to undergo season-ending surgery on ankle injury
    UT: Did I mention this all happened during the same week?
  • Their "vaunted offensive line" is traffic barrels being pushed into place by a slow-moving truck.
  • But Ben McAdoo knows the problem with the Giants' offensive line! Or so he claims...
    UT: But don't you worry, Giants fans, Ben McAdoo knows what's up. He has pinpointed this problem to a tee!
    Ben McAdoo: [in a press conference] Uh, sloppy quarterback play. [cut to later] We have a veteran quarterback who's played a lot of football... I expect us to get the ball snapped.
    Cartridge Unit: [puts a cartridge in his mid-section] WHAT??
    UT: Really, man? All the turmoil and chaos on the team and you're going to blame Eli?
    Headlines: In a Game Packed with Mistakes, Ben McAdoo Shoulders Eli Manning with Much of the Blame
    Ben McAdoo won't rule out benching Eli Manning
    UT: You're more of a fucking idiot than I imagined. Have you seen that utter lack of a running game? Do you have any idea what your O-line is looking like- [video of a traffic cone being chewed on by a horse] oh, hey, it's Ereck Flowers!
    Caption: Surprisingly accurate
  • He tosses it off to Five Point Vids to finish up the video.
    UT: The best comedy always comes from misery; Giants fan, give us some perspective on this bullshit!
    FPV: Thanks, Tree! It's fitting that you intro me using the word "Misery", since the scene where that fat bitch hobbles the main character has pretty much been the theme for this fucking Giants season. Now normally, I would be miserable at the thought of my [then-]one-win team slogging through a season that has been more terrifying than a minor waiting on the results of a pregnancy test, and having to take the season-long lumps from my fellow Eagle, Redskins, and Cowboys fans, who love to shove bamboo under my fingernails every time my squad loses. But there is one thing I have learned from all this: all things must come to an end, and the Derp Era is coming to an end. And the proper way to end a legend's career...is to tank like operation mother-effing Desert Storm! That's right, I'm trusting Jerry Reese and his accidental string of terrible front office decisions that backed into two Super Bowls...and not much else in between. Yep, it's time to clean house like Walter White's Pest Control Company and cook up a fresh batch of championship meth! That is, of course, if we don't waste the #1 pick on Saquon Barkley and think, "next year is the last ride!" because I doubt Derp Man has another championship left in his arm. Ah, screw it, just draft Barkley! I mean, look at all that speed! Sure, Eli has another year, all we have to do is replace both lines, shoot Eli Apple, get DRC to stop giving up on plays and the team, fire Ben McAdoo, bring back Tom Coughlin, and add Saquon Barkley! Shit, all we need to do is draft Barkley; he is the football equivalent to the cure for herpes that is this Giants season. Screw it! G-Men! Super Bowl champions, 2019, you goddamn assholes!note 
    (The Derp Song cues back up)
    Headline: McAdoo still talking about sex-crazed lion as Giants sink to 1-7
    FPV: (mocking wail) I had you! You thought I was serious. Screw you. Anyways, I'm gonna go cry now and post on social media about my feelings. This team is going to suck. For a long time...

Jerry Jones: Professional Football's Palpatine

  • This video is more a rant about how Jerry Jones, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys, has corrupted the organization and has led to the team's long misfortune since their success of the 90's. But the icing on the cake is the last bit, which is narrated over a clip of the final play of Super Bowl LIInote .
    UT: Cowboys fans, I wish I could say that you could pick on the usual suspects, but one of your main rivals just won the Super Bowl. It's far more than your team will ever accomplish while Jerry Jones is still alive!

The Arizona Cardinals: Professional Football's Retirement Home

  • The mockery starts right off the bat:
    [a clip of a Life Call ad plays]
    Old lady: [with a Cardinals logo on her face] I've fallen, and I can't get up!
    UT: This frail old lady is the Arizona Cardinals. You may be wondering how they got into this situation. Let's just say that osteoporosis might be just another injury for them to deal with, like they have over the last few seasons. I would do the whole song and dance about the glory days and hope for the future, but that requires compassion. Let us be blunt: the Cardinals are horrible. They are more embarrassing than any sex scandal that the Catholic Church can conceive. How many children has this organization traumatized over the years? The entire Phoenix area now deals with PTSD as a result of this team destroying their minds with teasings of glory only to give in to the Inquisitors.

How to Destroy a Career 101: Starring Martavis Bryant

  • As Tree examines how former Steelers wide receiver Martavis Bryant's career was ruined by numerous failed drug tests, a Running Gag develops as the final line from "The Next Episode" by Snoop Dogg (feat. Dr. Dre) punctuates the headlines about his marijuana problems.
    • A stellar career at Clemson leads to his being drafted in the fourth round by Pittsburgh, but things quickly go downhill...
      UT: Martavis immediately makes a splash in the Steel City by being the impact deep threat that the organisation needed. The promise that he shows after being unlocked halfway through the season is apparent. Look at how he burnt through these secondaries like a wick through candle wax. Time can only make him stronger.
      Headline: [breaking glass] ["SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY!"] Report: Martavis Bryant suspended due to multiple failed marijuana tests
      UT: And then comes his major weakness in the drugs.
      Headline: Martavis Bryant: The NFL Must Change Its Marijuana Policy
      UT: You see, Martavis had a penchant for enjoying the wonders of cannabis, a drug that is disallowed by the NFL. Not that I'm against a dance or two with Mary Jane, they are still the rules. Fortunately only his first strike, [Sonic the Hedgehog buzzer] [Headline: Steelers WR Martavis Bryant suspended 4 games for violating substance abuse policy] a four-game suspension. Everyone makes mistakes, we can let this one slide. [over footage of Bryant making an improbable catch in the 2016 Wild Card round against the Bengals]note  Bryant once again flashes his supreme potential [Caption: WHAT EVEN IS THIS CATCH?] as a legitimate wideout in his sophomore season. Even with being a marquee deep threat the hopes of him developing a short range game would make him into one of the deadliest receivers in all the land. With the mistakes of the past behind him, of course!
      Headline: [breaking glass] ["SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY!"] Reports: Steelers' Martavis Bryant facing year-long suspension
      UT: Alas, he has fooled us twice. This time it robs us of a full season [Sonic the Hedgehog buzzer] [Headline: NFL Suspends Steelers WR Martavis Bryant 1 Year For Substance Abuse Violation] of play and creates a most unpleasant reputation.
      Headlines: Martavis Bryant planning to check into rehab
      Roethlisberger says suspended Steelers receiver Bryant lied to him
      UT: Martavis can't stay on the field due to his own actions.
    • And when he returns from his suspension, his relationship with the Steelers from top to bottom becomes certifiably toxic:
      UT: Even with him coming back the next year, it was obvious that Bryant just wasn't the same. He was failing to develop any other aspects of his receiving game, in fact he may have regressed from his earlier promise. In this situation, you may look to find answers from within, but Bryant chooses to go on the offensive and bite the hand that feeds. May he demand a trade due to his inability to thrive in the Steelers offence.
      Headlines: Martavis Bryant requested trade from Steelers
      ["BRUH!"] Martavis Bryant downplays reported trade demand from Steelers
      UT: Scratch that, he's talked with Tom Lennon, he's cool... for about a week.
      Headline: Martavis Bryant rips JuJu Smith-Schuster on Instagram
      UT: Bryant immediately criticises the new kid on the block in JuJu Smith-Schuster.
      Headline: Martavis Bryant says JuJu Smith-Schuster is Sammie Coates' replacement
      UT: [over a tweet from Bryant claiming his superiority to Smith-Schuster] He was stealing the spotlight, he took what rightfully belonged to him. He even had a social media presence, the nerve of such a young man!
      Headlines: JuJu Smith-Schuster on Martavis Bryant's Instagram comments: "I don't take it personally"
      Martavis Bryant, targeted twice in win, 'wants out'
      UT: The trade demands were back on, he wants to be the guy despite a massively disappointing season. A prodigal son finally gets his wish by being traded to the Oakland Raiders for a third round pick that offseason.
      Headline: Steelers trade Martavis Bryant to the Oakland Raiders
    • Time for a fresh start in Oakland, then! Or... more of the same:
      UT: They still see potential in Bryant, a great foil for Amari Cooper. Think of the possibilities!
      Headline: [breaking glass] ["SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY!"] Martavis Bryant, no stranger to suspension, could be getting suspended again
      UT: This is when the Raiders fear he failed a third drug test. Add a lacklustre camp [Headline: Martavis Bryant is apparently having some problems learning the Raiders playbook] and a looming suspension ["GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!"] [Headline: Martavis Bryant cut by Raiders, facing suspension] and Martavis is suddenly out of the league entirely!
      Headline: [quack!] WR Martavis Bryant signing 1-year deal with Raiders
      UT: And then brought back as he's apparently not getting suspended anymore.
      Headline: NFL allows Martavis Bryant to play until verdict in suspension appeal
      UT: [over footage of Bryant failing to make a potential touchdown catch against the Browns] Only then the football gods deliver a far more painful punishment than suspensions.
      Headline: ["NOPE!"] Jon Gruden dissatisfied in play of Raiders WR Martavis Bryant
      Caption: No touchdowns all season
      UT: Ineffectiveness.
      Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!"] Report: Raiders fear PCL tear for Martavis Bryant
      UT: And injuries.
      Headline: ["Unit lost!"] Season is Done for Raiders' Martavis Bryant
      UT: A PCL tear ended his season prematurely with any future career in serious jeopardy.
      Headline: [breaking glass] ["SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY!"] Martavis Bryant Suspended Indefinitely by NFL for Substance Abuse Violation
      UT: Probably got high off of whatever was left of it anyway.
      Headline: [Losing Horns] Former Steelers WR Martavis Bryant To Appeal Suspension, Arguing Lack Of Access To Mental Health Resources
      UT: Another indefinite suspension.
      Caption: Should've been a good boy and taken painkillers
      UT: For Martavis, there may never be another chance to roast secondaries into a blunt. This is a truly wasted talent. He strayed away from striding on the grass to being content with merely smoking it.
      Caption: [as Bryant is tackled just outside the endzone in a Steelers loss to the Seahawks] Pictured: The NFL to Martavis' career
      UT: As such, his career and the potential millions he could have earned if he stayed clean are also up in smoke. May we lament such a self-imposed tragedy.

    Hockey Lolcows 

The Vancouver Canucks: Professional Hockey's Lolcow

  • Tree introduces his audience to the wonders of hockey lolcows:
    UT: The scene begins in an NBC TV studio. Today, a man like Mike Milbury can hold his head high. He can look at himself in the mirror with confidence and pride. "It's okay", he thinks to himself. "I'm not the GM of the Vancouver Canucks".
  • After running through their history of futility and recent stubbornness in terms of play style and personnel, he then comes to their leadership:
    [while showing footage of a group of Canucks executives riding in a car]
    UT: And now we get to the elephant in the room: A man that is completely tactless, bumbling, laughed at by everyone, and falls in love with absolutely terrible players for "intangibles" -
    [cuts to footage of the Canucks' then-head coach glowering from behind the bench]
    UT: But enough about Willie Desjardins -
    [cuts to a press conference with one of the executives from the car ride]
    UT: Let's talk about Jim Benning, a man who firmly believes his son is a quality NHL scout, and an embarrassment of a scout in Calgary is a quality assistant GM.

The Carolina Hurricanes: A Brass Bonanza

  • Apparently the Hurricanes' marketing department may have gotten desperate...
    Hurricanes Man: LOOK OUT, RALEIGH! THERE'S A HURRICANE OF ICE COMING THROUGH! MAYBE THIS'LL BE THE YEAR WE PULL ANOTHER DEEP PLAYOFF RUN OUT OF OUR ASS! CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ACTUALLY WON A STANLEY CUP TEN YEARS AGO?! YES, IT'S TRUE! LOOK AT ALL OF THE WONDERFUL FANS WE HAVE IN ATTENDANCE!
    (cue photos of a half-empty PNC Arena with "Brass Bonanza" fading out in favor of Chirping Crickets)
    Headline: Carolina Hurricanes have lowest attendance - by nearly 12 percent
    UT: (normal voice) Shhhhhhhit...
    (test pattern)
    Hurricanes Man: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE COME TO OUR GAMES! OUR OWNER IS BANKRUPT AND BEING SUED BY HIS SONS FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS HE TOOK FROM THEIR TRUST FUND!
    Headline: Peter Karmanos sued by his adult sons for $105M
    UT: (normal voice) What a great family man!
    Hurricanes Man: SPEAKING OF FAMILY, YOU CAN ATTEND GAMES ON THE CHEAP! WE'VE GOT TICKETS AS LOW AS FIFTEEN DOLLARS!
    Second voice: That's like a meal at Red Lobster!

The Detroit Red Wings: Decline and Fall of an Empire

  • Okay, so Ken Holland refusing to be Kicked Upstairs in favour of Red Wings legend Steve Yzerman as general manager resulted in Stevie Y joining the Lightning as GM in 2010. But the Red Wings still have a talented roster and can attract top class free agents, right?... Right?...
    UT: [screen wipe] Remember when the Red Wings had Borje Salming and Bernie Federko that one year?note  It's time to bring back the magic. Mike Modano, lead us to glory! [a headline announces Modano's one-year deal with the Wings]
    Caption: [to Windows 95 "Chord" sound effect]note  Ineffective and injury-prone, Forgettable final season.
    UT: [screen wipe] Todd Bertuzzi is ageing rapidly, but still producing? Extend him! [a headline announces Bertuzzi's two-year extension]
    Caption: ["Chord"] Numerous injuries after extension, steep decline in performance.
    UT: [screen wipe] Niklas Kronwall is one of our legends! It's time for a nice reward. [headlines anounce his...] Seven-year contract on a $4.75 million cap hit. Physical defencemen don't fall off of a cliff, right? [screen wipe] I mean, look at the contract we gave to Zetterberg! $6 million cap hit until he's 40! What a stud! [screen wipe] We have the new heir to Lidstrom: Ian White! [a headline announces his two-year contract; after a screen wipe, a second headline announces his departure] He sucks too? It's not like he shit on Bettman or anything [Headline: Red Wings' Ian White calls Gary Bettman an 'idiot'] [Caption: AKA: Common sense] aaaand he did. [screen wipe] Shit, we need to block the prospects from making the team... mmm, ehh, how about... Carlo Colaiacovo, Jordin Tootoo, and... bringing back Mikael Samuelsson.
    Headlines: Carlo Colaiacovo signs two-year deal with Detroit Red Wings
    Red Wings sign disturber Jordin Tootoo to three-year deal worth $1.9 million per season
    Red Wings bring back forward Mikael Samuelsson on two-year deal
    UT: That'll do it. [screen wipe; the "dumpster fire" GIF appears over footage of the Red Wings throwing away a 3-1 series lead over the Blackhawks in the 2013 Stanley Cup playoffs]
    Headlines: [Sickening "Crunch!" and Stock Scream of agony] Wings to use buyout on Colaiacovo
    [Sickening "Crunch!" and Stock Scream of agony] Detroit Red Wings to buy out Jordin Tootoo
    [Sickening "Crunch!" and Stock Scream of agony] Red Wings place Mikael Samuelsson on waivers
    UT: How were we supposed to know this would happen to those three!? Fucking nerds... [screen wipe] Remember that Kyle Quincey guy we told to fuck off a few years ago? Turns out he's good now! Let's re-acquire him for a first-round pick! [screen wipe] That pick turned out to be Andrei Vasilevskiy.note  Is this supposed to be reparations for refusing to budge for Yzerman? It's okay, let's sign Quincey to an extension. [a headline announces his two-year, $8.5 million extension; screen wipe] In fact, we're on a spending spree! Jimmy Howard is our rock! Have some money for six years, boy! [screen wipe] Jim Nill is a Red Wing for life! He will never leave us.
    Headline: ["Chord"] Dallas Stars announce hiring of Jim Nill as new general manager
    UT: [screen wipe] That Modano signing worked out so well for us that we need to bring in another legend. Even better: a Swede. Danny Alfredsson, baby! [a headline announces Alfredsson's one-year contract]
    Caption: ["Chord"] Does not win cup, retires at season's end.
    UT: [screen wipe] We locked up Johan Franzen to a nice eleven-year deal. This won't backfire on us.
    Headline: Red Wings' Franzen (head) out indefinitely — again
    UT: Nope. Not at all. [screen wipe] We now have the future replacement for Datsyuk: Stephen Weiss. [a headline announces his five-year contract; screen wipe] What the hell d'you mean he gets injured a lot, sucks chunks, and has to be bought out!? [headlines confirm this] Get out of here with that garbage! [screen wipe] Dan Cleary has settled into organisational cheerleader very nicely.
    Headline: Daniel Cleary to sign with Red Wings on one-year deal
    UT: Let's overpay him for another year! [screen wipe]
    Headline: Detroit Red Wings sign forward Daniel Cleary to a one-year contract
    UT: And again... [screen wipe]
    Headline: Red Wings re-sign Daniel Cleary to one-year deal
    UT: ... and again. [screen wipe] Jonathan Ericsson is a nice third pairing defenceman nearing the end of his prime. Let's overpay the shit out of him! [a headline announces his six-year, $25.5 million contract] And have a complimentary no-trade clause for the trouble! [screen wipe] We need to keep the streak alive at all costs. Time to trade for washed up David Legwand! [a headline confirms this; a screen wipe shows the Red Wings losing to the Bruins in five games in the first round in 2014] The streak is ALIVE! [screen wipe] We need to keep the streak alive at all costs. Time to trade for washed up Erik Cole!
    Headline: ["Chord"] Erik Cole done with Red Wings after spinal contusion
    UT: [screen wipe; the Red Wings lose Game 7 to the Lightning in the first round in 2015] THE STREAK LIVES! It's so beautiful... [screen wipe] We need another old man because our prospects haven't gestated for five years yet. Brad Richards, come on down! [a headline announces his one-year contract; screen wipe] The fans miss Lidstrom, huh. Well, how about Mike Green? He does things! Have a shitload of money! [three years and $18 million, to be exact; a screen wipe shows the Red Wings losing to the Lightning in five games in the first round again in 2016] The streak continues with one playoff win! A brilliant sendoff for Datsyuk. Time to reward our great players! [screen wipe] Justin Abdelkader is really starting to develop into a nice top six anchor. It's time for the local boy to get a payday! Seven-year extension at a $4.2 million cap hit for fucking Abdelkader!? [screen wipe] We can't have Darren Helm leave! Who will be our assistant leader on injured reserve? Four million dollars for five years should do it. [screen wipe] NOW we have the replacement for Datsyuk: 32-year-old Frans Nielsen! [a headline confirms his six-year, $31.5 million contract] He made the All-Star team, though... long live the Empire? [screen wipe] Danny boy, just write a number on this blank cheque with the number of years you want; we will do the rest. [per a headline, DeKeyser wrote "6" in the blank and "$30 million" for the price tag] Have a no-trade clause too! [screen wipe] Luke Glendening is a nice find as a fourth-liner.
    Headline: [Record Needle Scratch] Luke Glendening signs 4-year, $7.2M extension with Red Wings
    UT: And you signed him to a bloated extension... [screen wipe] Drew Miller is still here? Didn't he get cut a few years ago? [screen wipe; the Red Wings lose to the Wild in the 2016-17 regular season] And the streak is over. Maybe they'll realise the course they're going on will lead to disaster- nah, that would use too many brain cells. Let's go all in on Trevor Daley! [three years, $9.5 million, to be exact; screen wipe] At least Athanasiou is a good player. Nice depth piece to aid a playoff contender. [unfortunately, as a graphic of the Red Wings' cap numbers reveals...] And you don't have the cap space to pay for him. [followed by a tweet that reveals...] And he's fucking off to Russia. [sighs, pounds desk] HOLLAND, GIVE ME BACK MY LEGIONS!
    Caption: Have fun dealing with Mantha and Larkin next year.

The Montreal Canadiens: Professional Hockey's Bergevin

  • The Marc Bergevin guide to player acquisitions:
    1. Is he French-Canadian?
    2. Does he have grit and veteranosity?
    3. Does he look French?
      UT: If they meet one of these criteria, then ol' Bergie-boy wants you on the Habs!
  • While talking about the Habs' terrible trades and contract extensions in the 2017 offseason, Tree punctuates each one with footage of the infamous moment in Game 2 of the 2000 Western Conference Quarterfinals when Bergevin, then a defenceman for the Blues, caught a shot on goal by the Sharks' Gary Suter in his glove - and threw it into his own goal.note  Each time, the blunder is accompanied by the Super Mario Bros. "Mario hitting head on unbreakable block" sound effect.
    UT: Vadim Shipachyov has been rumoured to go to Montreal for a few years now. Let's shore up our [Headline: Russian forward Vadim Shipachyov signs 2-year, $9M deal with Vegas] he signed with Vegas.
    [Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]
    UT: Nathan Beaulieu? Bah! He is useless to us! Trade him for a third-round pick. We have the prize of free agency in our midst: Karl Alzner. Another physical defenceman with injury issues and doesn't solve our offensive woes. Five-year contract.
    [Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]
    UT: Alex Radulov has been a massive success, but we have to save up some cap space. We can lowball him in free agency. What's this? He's about to sign in Dallas!? Quick! Let's simply match the contract even though taxes are significantly higher in Canada!
    [Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]
    UT: Shit, there isn't much to choose from in free agency now. [sighs] How about washed-up Ales Hemsky, he won't get injured again!
    [Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]
    UT: Andrei Markov is a Montreal lifer and our power play quarterback but he's a fossil! One-year deal for him, he wants two years but he'll be back!
    Headline: ["Oh NO!"] Former Canadiens defenceman Markov signs with Russian club
    UT: You mean he's not coming back?...
    [Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]
    UT: Mikhail Sergachev should be able to replace Markov pretty easily, though.
    Headline: Jonathan Drouin traded by Lightning to Canadiens for Mikhail Sergachev
    UT: Oh. Right. We traded him for Drouin.
    [Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]
    UT: Uh... Mark... Streit? Welcome back to Montreal?
    Headline: Canadiens' Streit on waivers to terminate contract
    [Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]
    UT: It's time to deal with this Carey Price situation once and for all. The price is right—[Record Needle Scratch]
    Headline: Price inks richest goaltending contract ever with eight-year, $84 million extention
    SFX: [The Price Is Right Losing Horns]
    UT: [loud, shocked coughing] HOLY SHIT, BERGEVIN, HOW MUCH DID YOU DRINK?!
    [Bergevin throws the puck into his own net]
    UT: The Canadiens still lack an elite centre. They fail to get one through free agency or by trade. Meh, just put new acquisition Jonathan Drouin as the 1C, he's a natural winger, but fuck it. Baptism by fire! [the Canadiens are scored on by the Ducks to the Sonic the Hedgehog death sound effect]

The Edmonton Oilers: Professional Hockey's Al Bundy

The Los Angeles Kings: Professional Hockey's West Coast Relic

  • Tree gets to the current people in charge of running the Kings, former Kings, Rob Blake and Luc Robitaille...
    UT: Because that's what the hockey world needed to see - another boys' club...
    (A montage begins as "Ante Up (Robbin Hood Theory)" by M.O.P. starts playing, with the following supers:)
    West Coast represent!
    Reverse sweep the leg!
    Organizational inbreeding!
    Relive the glory days!
    Cups? We got two!
    Party like it's 1993!
    Rob Blake!
    Lucky Luc!
    (over a shot of Darryl Sutter) This guy's gone!
    (over a shot of the Stanley Cup) This thing might be too!
    Eat shit, Vancouver!
    People gave a shit about us!
    Us to Pacific Division:
    But look at the Cups!
    (Record Needle Scratch as the music and montage end)
    UT: Alright, I'll give them a chance! I mean, I was wrong about Joe Sakic…
  • Tree discussed Drew Doughty's contract extension:
    UT: But the big prize, oh yes, that would be re-signing Drew Doughty. The man wants to win championships and is the cornerstone of the defense. Good news LA, you got him. A tremendous scoop for the boys club. Eight years and—
    Headline: (accompanied by Musical Sting): Drew Doughty signs historic 8-year, $88 million contract with Los Angeles Kings
    UT: HOLY SHIT!! [Clip of Arsenio Hall doing a Spit Take] Eleven million per year?? Were you guys paying the free agent tax when there were no other buyers? You do realize the highest paid defensemen are making around 8 million, right? No knock on Doughty, he's a great player, but that much for Drew's latter years? [A caption reads "The issue isn't giving him a contract, it's that they paid too much."] Ever hear of the aging process? Hope you have the Fountain of Youth lying around for that. If I'm Erik Karlsson note  I'm sending you guys a fruit basket for the next decade.

We're A Team: The 2018/19 Ottawa Senators Story

  • While this video largely focuses on the tragedy and failure of the 2018-19 Senators, one particular moment sticks out as Tree recaps the Senators' shedding of their star players:
    UT: But even after all the rumors and grumblings, Erik Karlsson was still somehow in Ottawa.
    [cue footage of Karlsson sending a pass to Mark Stone, and Stone fumbling it]
    Erik Karlsson: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
    UT: No we aren't, Erik.
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    Basketball Lolcows 

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Process of Becoming a Lolcow

  • "Fuck you, LeBron, here come the 76ers!"
  • Describing how Sam Hinkey might not have known what he was doing...
    UT: Sam Hinkey struck me as a man who played way too much out-of-the-park baseball when he was younger. Unfortunately for him, the other managers aren't AI that can be cheesed; they'll just take your assets and laugh at you as they kick your team's ass all over the court.note 
  • The three-step "plan" that is The Process:
    1. Trade Fucking Everything
    2. Draft all of the injured players and Europeans
    3. Force the NBA to intervene
      UT: It's total fucking liquidation! EVERYTHING MUST GO!
  • "Those European players you draft? They'll be so disgusted in the team that they refuse to sign with you! It's foolproof!"

The New York Knicks: Professional Basketball's Lolcow

  • Tree introduces Phil Jackson, whose tenure as Knicks general manager he calls "as archaic and outdated as the triangle offense":
    UT: His first move was to install a puppet at the head coaching position. Steve Kerr saw through this façade, (Headline: Steve Kerr to coach Warriors, turn down Knicks) but he ended up getting another former player named Derek Fisher.
    (cue footage of the fourth quarter of a Knicks game, with the game out of hand for the Knicks and fans chanting "Fire Fisher!" and booing)note 
    Caption: Look at how captivated Knicks fans are
  • Tree roasts the Knicks for failing at failing, and thus being unable to benefit from the NBA draft. Cue a clip of the Knicks embarrassing themselves against the Spurs...
    UT: How could they win it with such excellent defense?
    [as the Knicks try and fail miserably to get the ball away from the Spurs' Dewayne Dedmon before he can make a basket, each failure is punctuated with sound effects and headlines]
    Headlines: ["Nope!"] Knicks' Coaches Scramble to Fix the Defense Before It's Too Late
    ["Nope!"] Jeff Hornacek: Knicks' defense must improve; not sure if it can
    [Dedmon gets the ball again with a Super Mario Bros. coin sound effect, then finally sinks the basket to the Sonic the Hedgehog "1-up" jingle]
    Caption: 25th in defensive efficiency!!!

The Los Angeles Lakers: Professional Basketball's Casting Couch

  • The Lakers have been in a tailspin since the death of longtime owner Jerry Buss and the career decline of Kobe Bryant. Buss is initially succeeded by his son Jim, who mismanages the team for four years before being ousted by his younger sister Jeanie. Unfortunately, her solution to reviving the team's fortunes is to bring in names from the glory days, such as Magic Johnson as president and Rob Pelinka, former agent of Kobe Bryant, as general manager. Still, they have some promising players in Lonzo Ball, Brandon Ingram, Julius Randle, and Kyle Kuzma; a big name or two might be all the team needs to crystallise. However, getting big names proves easier said than done:
    UT: Look at all of the names they could get! Paul George! Local product, has dreamed of playing for the Lakers [a blurb about George growing up as a fan of the Clippers, not the Lakers, appears with the caption "ERM... CLIPPERS?"] since he was a boy, a perfect fit!
    Headline: Paul George agrees to re-sign with Thunder on four-year, $137 million deal
    UT: To go right back to Oklahoma City. PG13 chose playing second fiddle to a glorified stat pad over going to the Lakers.
    Headline: NBA Rumors: Paul George spurned Lakers after talking with Corey Brewer
    UT: That should say it all. But doesn't matter, they can get Kawhi Leonard! [various headlines concerning Leonard's desire to leave San Antonio appear] Disgruntled player demanding a trade, and LA has the pieces to get it done! Unfortunately, Toronto did too.
    Headline: [over footage of Leonard in a Raptors jersey laughing at a press conference] San Antonio Spurs trade Kawhi Leonard to Toronto Raptors for DeMar DeRozan, others
    UT: Okay, how about Boogie Cousins? Coming off a major injury, but he should be [sound of glass breaking] he signed with Golden State, are you fucking kidding!?
    Headline: DeMarcus Cousins, Warriors Agree to Reported 1-Year, $5.3 Million Contract
    UT: How are we supposed to compete with the Warriors now?!
  • But not to worry - LeBron James signs with the Lakers in free agency! True, it's more because of his sideline in film and TV production than because the Lakers made an irresistible sales pitch, but the stage is surely set for the Lakers' return to relevance, if they can get the right pieces around him. However...
    UT: As for the cast of characters you will aid him with...
    Headline: [musical sting] Lakers Sign Rajon Rondo To One-Year Deal
    UT: Rajon Rondo?
    Headline: [musical sting] NBA Free Agency: Lakers officially sign Lance Stephenson
    UT: Lance Stephenson?
    Headline: [musical sting] JaVale McGee decides to join forces with LeBron James and the Lakers
    UT: JaVale McGee!?
    Headline: [musical sting] Lakers Sign Michael Beasley
    UT: Michael Beasley?!
    Headline: Kentavious Caldwell-Pope reportedly signs $12 million deal with Lakers
    UT: You brought back KCP but allowed Julius Randle to leave for the Pelicans!?
    Headlines: [musical sting] Report: Julius Randle, Pelicans Agree to Contract After 4 Seasons with Lakers
    Lakers' Coach on Last Offseason's Decisions: 'What the F*** Are We Doing?'
    UT: For God's sake, you were supposed to bring in a legit supporting cast, not The Expendables!
  • But LeBron is starting to show his age and is sidelined with a groin injury. Lakers upper management decide to bring Anthony Davis and his unibrow from New Orleans to Los Angeles. Unfortunately, things don't go as planned:
    UT: Anthony Davis was tired of the Pelicans and their incompetence.
    Headline: Anthony Davis won't re-sign with Pelicans, demands trade, team confirms
    UT: He demanded a trade to a real team, a true contender for championship glory! The Lakers were that.
    Headline: Report: Lakers, Pelicans talking Anthony Davis trade
    UT: They had the pieces to do it. Kyle Kuzma, Brandon Ingram, Lonzo Ball, and Ivica Zubac had some value, future picks! [a tweet from Los Angeles Times sportswriter Brad Turner reports that five different trade packages have been put before Pelicans GM Dell Demps] A package could be made of some of these for a reasonable offer, but no, Magic and Rob wanted to get it done quickly. [another tweet from Turner reports that the Lakers are trying to beat the Celtics to getting Davis before the summer] You talk about overpayments, the Lakers ended up offering the entire team to New Orleans! [a third tweet from Turner reports that the Lakers offered the Pelicans Ball, Kuzma, Ingram, Beasley, Stephenson, Rondo, and two first round picks for Davis and Solomon Hill]
    Caption: Excuse me... what?
    UT: And a bevy of future first-round picks.
    Caption: Seriously, what is this deal?
    UT: And be willing to eat a terrible contract in Solomon Hill!
    Caption: What is the need for a team? We have two players!
    UT: It was pure desperation, and only a fool would reject such an offer. Unfortunately, Dell Demps was a fool and laughed in their faces.
    Headline: Lakers pull out of Anthony Davis trade talks amid 'outrageous' requests by Pelicans
    Caption: Fuck it, I want four first round picks and a share of Endgame's box office revenues!
    UT: Dell sacrificed his career for IRL shitposting.
    Headline: The Pelicans fired GM Dell Demps amid the chaotic Anthony Davis saga. He deserved to go.
    UT: A true hero for us all.
  • And with the Lakers having inadvertently made it clear that they see most of their roster as mere trade fodder, opposing fans show no mercy:
    UT: Even worse, the botched Unibrow trade had far more unintended consequences.
    [Brandon Ingram prepares to shoot a free throw in the first quarter of a game in Indiana]
    Caption: [the words appearing in time with Pacers fans chanting] "LeBron's gonna trade you!" *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*
    "LeBron's gonna trade you!" *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*
    "LeBron's gonna trade you!" *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*note 
  • LeBron's "Playoff mode" falls way short of expectations, and a Failure Montage immediately follows,note  interspersed with "That was a disaster", "Oh he's gonna feel that one", and "Nope!". When the Lakers are eliminated, a screen with "Critical Mission Failure" appears, with a voiceover saying "Mission failed! We'll get them next time."

    Baseball Lolcows 

The Pittsburgh Pirates: Professional Baseball's Drunken Sailor

The New York Mets: Professional Baseball's Rotting Apple

  • The video goes over some of the Mets' big name players and why or how they haven't made an impact...all while the Mets' Image Song "Meet the Mets" plays:
    Mets Man: Brace yourself for all of the glorious talent on the Mets this year: Yoenis Cespedes!
    Headline: (over Sickening "Crunch!") Cespedes placed on DL with pulled hamstring
    Mets Man: "The Real Deal" Neil Walker!
    Headline: (over Sickening "Crunch!") Neil Walker leaves Mets' game with left leg injury
    Mets Man: Curtis Granderson!
    Headline: (over "MY EYES!") Mets' Curtis Granderson: Relegated to reserve role
    Mets Man: Asdrubal Cabrera!
    Headlines: (over Stock Scream) Asdrubal Cabrera 'not really happy' with move to 2B, asks to be traded
    (over Sickening "Crunch!") Asdrubal Cabrera leaves Mets game with thumb injury
    Mets Man: The great David Wright!
    Headline: (over Sickening "Crunch!") David Wright suffered another setback in his injury rehab
    Mets Man: Travis d'Arnaud!
    Headline: (over Stock Scream) Travis d'Arnaud is making the Mets move on from him
    Mets Man: The renaissance of Jose Reyes!
    Headline: (over Stock Scream) Jose Reyes' Ex-Mistress Says Mets Shortstop Led 'Double Life'
    (We also see a shot of Reyes's stats for 2017 up until the time the video was made, showing a batting average of .191)
    Mets Man: Thor!
    Headline: (over Sickening "Crunch!") Mets' Noah Syndergaard Out Indefinitely With Torn Muscle in Torso
    Mets Man: Steven Matz!
    Headline: (over Sickening "Crunch!") Mets' Steven Matz diagnosed with strained flexor tendon in left elbow; no timetable for return
    Mets Man: Jacob deGrom!
    Headline: (over Stock Scream) Jacob deGrom's struggles starting to become worrisome for Mets
    Mets Man: Seth Lugo!
    Headline: (over Sickening "Crunch!") Elbow Tear of Mets' Seth Lugo Will Cost Him at Least Two Weeks
    Mets Man: Jeurys Familia!
    Headlines: (over Sickening "Crunch!") Jeurys Familia has surgery on blood clot, season in jeopardy
    (over Stock Scream) Mets' Jeurys Familia suspended 15 games for domestic violence incident
  • The ending:
    UT: (Rattling Off Legal) Side effects of Mets games may include increased alcohol consumption, cynicism, dread, stomach ulcers, passive-aggressiveness, and racial obscenities. If you experience simmering rage for longer than four hours after Mets games, please seek medical attention immediately. Do not watch the Mets if you have high blood pressure or are taking any sort of heart medication. Refrain from seeing the Mets if you are pregnant or nursing. Mentioning the words "Yankees", "Omar Minaya", or "Bernie Madoff" may cause other fans to experience paralysis and/or loss of facial functioning. Usage of these words at Citi Field are grounds for exile to Harlem for hard labor.
    Mets Man: The Mets: We aren't the Knicks!
    (Chris Herrmann hits a walk-off home run accompanied by a Stock Scream as the Diamondbacks beat the Mets, followed by a test pattern)

The San Francisco Giants: A Tale of Two Years

  • The entire video is a Juxtaposition Gag, alternating between clips of the Giants doing well in even years and them doing poorly in odd years. Eventually, the "Even Year" clips show their collapse against the Cubs in the ninth inning of Game 4 in the 2016 NLDS, capped off with the classic "YOU BLEW IT!", followed by a clip from the 2017 season of the Padres hitting a walk-off home run against them.
    UT: You are so terrible this year that you are out-tanking the San Diego Padres. I rest my case.
    (static)

The Baltimore Orioles: Professional Baseball's Avian Flu

  • Tree covers one of the main reasons for the Orioles' poor performance, first baseman Chris Davis, who was on pace to having the worst season ever recorded by a position player...
    UT: They are paying him $21 million to do this. Is it any wonder why Jim Palmer threw him into an open fire on live television? Of course he's hurt by it, nobody wants to have reality rubbed in their faces, but here's a reality that needs to be: he's not even halfway into this contract. I can't wait for the revival of Bobby Bonilla Day in twenty years' time.
  • After Tree covers how the Orioles' hitting corps has done poorly, he gets to the pitching corps. We see Orioles pitchers give up hit after hit after hit, accompanied by an overlay of the conga line from Baseball Bugs.

Meet the Mets: 2018 Edition

  • "To err is human. To Met is eternal."
  • The Mets are just as bad as they were the previous season, going from an 11-1 start to well under .500 by the beginning of July. As in 2017, Tree goes down a very long list of Mets players who have disappointed or outright imploded, all set to "Meet the Mets":
    Mets Man: Let's meet all of the talent we have on the roster for this go-around: Yoenis Céspedes!
    Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!"] Mets 'very' concerned about Cespedes as his injury reappears
    Mets Man: Michael Conforto!
    Headline: [Stock Scream of horror] Mets consider demoting Michael Conforto to minors, report says
    Mets Man: Jay Bruce!
    Headlines: [sound of retching, accompanied by Bruce's dire numbers (starting with a .212 batting average) for the first half of the season] Mets' Jay Bruce drops F-bombs while discussing struggles
    [Sickening "Crunch!"] Jay Bruce goes on 10-day disabled list with sore hip
    Mets Man: Juan Lagares!
    Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!", "Unit lost!"] Mets CF Lagares likely to miss rest of year with toe injury
    Mets Man: Travis d'Arnaud!
    Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!", "Unit lost!"] Mets' Travis d'Arnaud might need Tommy John surgery due to UCL tear
    Mets Man: The great David Wright!
    Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!"] David Wright Still Wants to Play, but Admits It May Not Happen
    Mets Man: Todd Frazier!
    Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!"] Mets put Todd Frazier on the 10-day disabled list with hamstring injury
    Mets Man: The renaissance of Jose Reyes!
    Headline: [Big "NO!", accompanied by Reyes' terrible numbers, including a .186 batting average] Mets Have Considered Releasing Jose Reyes
    Mets Man: T.J. Rivera!
    Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!"] Mets expect T.J. Rivera to remain out until July
    Mets Man: Wilmer Flores!
    Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!"] Wilmer Flores is newest Mets injury headache to worry about
    Mets Man: The swan song of Adrian Gonzalez!
    Headline: [Family Feud buzzer] Mets release Adrian Gonzalez, potentially marking the end of an underrated career
    Mets Man: The swan song of Joey Bats!
    Headline: [Windows 95 "Ta-da!" sound effect] Jose Bautista Is Somehow Hitting Fifth For The Mets Tonight
    Mets Man: Luis Guillorme!
    Headline: [Stock Scream of horror] Mets' errors make night much longer for Seth Lugo
    Mets Man: Dominic Smith!
    Headline: [Stock Scream of agony] Dominic Smith getting a start in left field Sunday in New York
    Mets Man: Amed Rosario!
    Headline: [Stock Scream of agony] Mets are now benching Amed Rosario for Jose Reyes
    Mets Man: Thor!
    Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!"] Noah Syndergaard injury update: No timetable for Mets ace to begin throwing program, report says
    Mets Man: Anthony Swarzak!
    Headlines: [Stock Scream of horror] Mets' Swarzak 'still trying to find himself' after Sunday's struggles
    [Sickening "Crunch!"] New Mets reliever Anthony Swarzak suffers left oblique injury
    Mets Man: All-star Jason Vargas!
    Headlines: ["Oh BROTHER, this guy STINKS!", accompanied by Vargas' awful numbers, led by an ERA of 8.60] Jason Vargas never gave the Mets a chance
    [Sickening "Crunch!"] Mets lefty Jason Vargas placed on DL with sore calf
    Mets Man: Matt Harvey!
    Headline: ["GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!"] Matt Harvey Traded to Reds for Devin Morasco After Pitcher DFA'd By Mets
    Mets Man: Robert Gsellman!
    [Stock Scream of horror accompanying a tweet from Gsellman accusing Noah Syndergaard of stealing his Xbox]
    Mets Man: Rafael Montero!
    Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!", "Unit lost!"] Mets announce Rafael Montero has torn UCL in right elbow, will likely need Tommy John surgery
    Mets Man: Hansel Robles!
    Headline: [Family Feud buzzer] Angels claim Mets discard Hansel Robles off waivers
    [toilet flushing] Mets fans can finally laugh at a Hansel Robles disaster
    Mets Man: Jerry Blevins!
    Headline: [Stock Scream of agony] Mets Reliever Jerry Blevins Starting Against Dodgers
    Mets Man: A.J. Ramos!
    Headline: [Stock Scream of agony, Shao Khan laughs, and Ramos' dreadful numbers, led by an ERA of 6.41] [Sickening "Crunch!", "Unit lost!"] Mets reliever AJ Ramos to have surgery Wednesday to repair torn labrum, will miss rest of season
  • And the Mets' plans to bring fans into the stadium get so desperate that even Mets Man is caught off guard:
    Mets Man: Witness our return as the league's clown show while we call up our golden goose Tim Tebow to put some butts in the seats!
    Headline: Tim Tebow makes Eastern League All-Star team
    [Record Needle Scratch]
    Mets Man: [whispering] So, this isn't a typo? You meant to write that? [normal voice] Very well then, what you are hearing are fans jumping into the Atlantic Ocean en masse! Our asses are truly in the jackpot now!

Meet the Mets: 2019 Edition

  • The introduction gives off the vibe of a typical baseball vid, but it doesn't last long...
    UT: [over footage of the Mets practicing] Spring...a new hope. The beginnings of a fresh start. Baseball teams across America starting on clean slate in the hopes of championship glory.
    [Record Needle Scratch, as footage of Edwin Diaz giving up a walk-off home run to the Phillies plays]
    Mets Man: Do you have any idea what team this is? Just like a groundhog, every June a disaster emerges from the ground known as Mets baseball! No matter the circumstances, regardless of what moves were made, LOLMets will reign supreme across the land!
  • Another year, another parade of disappointment and embarrassment for the Mets and their fans. So who's in the hall of shame this year?
    Mets Man: [as "Meet the Mets" plays on the soundtrack] Stand by for a roll call! Yoenis Céspedes!
    Headlines: [Sickening "Crunch!", "Unit lost!"] Yoenis Céspedes suffered multiple ankle fractures in ranch accident
    Yoenis Céspedes has season-ending surgery
    Mets Man: Wilson Ramos!
    Headlines: [sound of retching] Wilson Ramos bashes Gatorade cooler after Mets' latest stinker
    Mets finally trust Wilson Ramos to catch Jacob deGrom
    Mets Man: Travis d'Arnaud!
    Headline: [Family Feud buzzer, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!"] Mets Designate Travis d'Arnaud for Assignment; Catcher Has .087 BA to Start 2019
    Mets Man: Tomas Nido!
    [Stock Scream of horror accompanies Nido's terrible numbers, led by a .257 batting average]
    Mets Man: Jed Lowrie!
    Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!"] Jed Lowrie 'not close' to playing games, shining light on $20 million deal that's flopping
    Mets Man: Amed Rosario!
    Headline: [Stock Scream of agony] Report: Mets could move Amed Rosario to center field
    Mets Man: The golden god, Robinson Canó!
    Headline: [Sonic the Hedgehog buzzer] Robinson Cano explains blatantly not trying with excuses, no apology
    [Stock Scream of horror] Robinson Cano's ugly Mets tenure is getting harder to hide
    [Sickening "Crunch!"] Robinson Cano aggravates quad in first game back from injured list
    Mets Man: Todd Frazier!
    Headline: [BRUH!] The ridiculous feud between Adam Eaton and Todd Frazier now features homeowner's advice
    Mets Man: Juan Lagares!
    Headline: [Stock Scream of terror accompanied by Lagares' dreadful numbers, led by a .182 batting average] The Mets have a center field problem
    Mets Man: The renaissance of Carlos Gómez!
    Headline: ["MY EYES!"] Carlos Gómez designated for assignment
    Mets Man: Brandon Nimmo!
    Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!"] Mets shut down Nimmo as Conforto experiment looms
    Mets Man: Keon Broxton!
    Headline: [Family Feud buzzer] Mets Designate Keon Broxton
    Mets Man: Thor!
    Headlines: [Stock Scream of horror] Syndergaard stung again in loss to Crew: Thor gives up 2 homers, raises ERA to 6.35
    [Sickening "Crunch!"] Noah Syndergaard has a strained hamstring
    Mets Man: Zack Wheeler!
    Headline: [glass breaking] Mets' Zack Wheeler addresses trade rumors: 'It's something that you don't want to think about'
    Mets Man: Steven Matz!
    Headline: [Stock Scream of agony] Road Woes For Matz Continue, Mets Drop Series To Braves
    Mets Man: All-star Jason Vargas!
    Headline: ["WHAT!?", accompanied by a tweet about Vargas' confrontation with a reporter] Jason Vargas hints at real story behind threats—that he refuses to tell
    ["What the FUCK?!"] Mets reportedly remain mad with Jason Vargas, could move him ahead of trade deadline
    Mets Man: Justin Wilson!
    Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!", Stock Scream of agony] Wilson heads back to IL as elbow flares up
    Mets Man: Luis Avilan!
    Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!"] Mets place Luis Avilan on IL, call up Chris Flexen
    Mets Man: Jeurys Familia!
    Headline: ["I expect nothing - and I'm still let down!", accompanied by Familia's abysmal numbers, led by an ERA of 7.81] [Sickening "Crunch!"] Mets News: Jeurys Familia Placed on 10-Day IL with Shoulder Injury
    Mets Man: Drew Gagnon!
    Headline: ["AIE, my eyes!", accompanied by Gagnon's hopeless numbers, led by an ERA of 7.65] Rockies trying their best to accept Drew Gagnon's 'accident'
    Mets Man: Wilmer Font!
    Headline: [Stock Scream of terror] Wilmer Font latest reliever to doom the Mets
    Mets Man: Drew Smith!
    Headline: [Sickening "Crunch!", "Unit lost!] Reliever Smith requires Tommy John surgery
    Mets Man: Robert Gsellman!
    Headline: [Stock Scream of horror] Mickey Callaway Has A Very Mets Reason For Overworking His Most Reliable Reliever
    Mets Man: Seth Lugo!
    Headline: ["You played two hours to die like THIS!?"] Mets' Seth Lugo looking for more setup opportunities
    Mets Man: And the closer of the future: Ed-lose Diaz!
    Headlines: ["BOO! You suck!"] Is it Time for the Mets to Find Edwin Diaz' Replacement?
    Mets closer Edwin Diaz can't shake his mechanical issues

    Other Lolcows 

Danica Patrick: Professional Racing's Blue Screen of Death

  • The Running Gag in which footage of Patrick crashing during races is interrupted by fake Windows error messages, complete with sound effects, finally culminating in a mock Blue Screen of Death.
    UT: To me, Danica Patrick is one of the most frustrating drivers in all of racing. To see such potential atrophy to waste is a travesty of motorsport. [footage of a post-crash Patrick flipping the bird to the cars still on the track] How fitting is it to see this woman race in a league that is completely falling apart at the s-
    Error message: WARNING: Corel Video Studio has crashed.
    Please restart program immediately.
    UT: Hmm. [footage of a photo shoot of Patrick in a two-piece] The issue I have with Danica is that she is more focused on being a sex symbol instead of, y'know, racing. [footage of Patrick crashing during an Indycar race] When she was starting out, she dominated the majority of her competition. There was talent here. But once she got into Indycar racing, it all fell-
    Error message: WARNING: Corel Video Studio has once again crashed.
    Please try again during the next Indian harvest cycle.
    UT: Fucking hell...
    [...]
    UT: [over more footage of Patrick crashing mid-race] Look at her race results at NASCAR and you will see, simply, mediocrity.
    Headline: Danica Patrick destined for a middle-of-the-pack Cup career
    UT: Pure, unadulterated, medi-
    Error message: CRASH BANDICOOT!
    You wish you were actually playing this game right now.
    UT: Ughhh...
    [...]
    Headline: Danica Patrick: "We got a bit lucky" with first top-ten finish since 2015
    UT: [over footage of Patrick crashing mid-race again] Oh boy, she had a couple of top ten finishes in the past! Whip out the lotion and lather all over my-
    Error message: ACHTUNG! This crash-ridden program has once again crashed.
    Please delete the offending video files before restarting the program.
    UT: For FUCK'S sake!...
    [...]
    Danica Patrick: [recording of her race communications] I didn't get any [bleep] help on pit in, so you saw what happened. About got [bleep] crashed. 'Cause I [bleep] went so fast coming in. You know, you just can't-
    Error message: Like Sisyphus rolling the ball up the hill...
    We think you already know what has happened.
    UT: God fucking damn it, girl, stop fucking crashing!
    [...]
    UT: The thing is that she's probably going to be here for a bit longer. Even with the notoriety, there will always be a team willing to take her on for the exposure, which will lead to more NASCAR fans frothing at the mouth to-
    Blue Screen of Death: Windows has encountered a fatal error with the following file: DANICA_PATRICK.exe
    If this is the first time seeing this message, try to throw more money at the offending file. It's probably your fault that it keeps crashing.
    Do not attempt to restart this program unless a new car and livery are issued. Do not use racing statistics and DNF results in negotiations. If a merge with RICKY_STENHOUSE.exe has not been tried, please attempt to do so.
    If this problem persists, do not delete the offending file. It's never the file's fault that it keep [sic] crashing.
    Never.

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