Fuck you, Spanos!
—Just about any video involving the Los Angeles Chargers
The football gods show no mercy. Amen.
—This Week in Sportsball episodes in the 2018 NFL season
Well, at least the playoffs were better in terms of every single game not being a blowout. There were some exciting match-ups this time around, which leads us to our epic showdown of... (Golden State Warriors and Cleveland Cavaliers logos fly onscreen, accompanied by a fart sound effect, then a buzzer with the captions "Conglaturation, NBA!" and "You're fucked again!") Warriors versus Cavs. Fucking hell, again? Shit like this gives ammo to the people who think that the league is rigged.
Here's a foolproof one: Jameson Taillon. Total stud. Potential to be one of the best in the... (record scratch; headline "Jameson Tillon Undergoes Treatment for Testicular Cancer" appears onscreen) Nope. Nope. Nope. I can't. I can't. Sorry. I can't. I can't. (starting to cry) I can't! I fucking hate this team! FUUUUUUCK!
I don't know how to play this one. Both teams have significant weaknesses - Nashville lost Ryan Johanssen and is weak down the middle, and the Pens are forced to dress an AHL defense - and regardless of who I pick to win, I will be accused of jinxing a team and/or hometown bias. All things equal, I just think Pekka Rinne is too good right now. He is on a completely different state of being. Unless he falls apart, I'm going to pick Nashville in six. Congratulations to the Penguins on back-to-back Stanley Cups.
A Basketball vid? On this channel? Run for the hills. Dead serious, nothing good ever comes out of these.
—The lead-in to the Sponsor Plug for "The Haters Guide to the 2021 NBA Finals"
And I know it sounds corny as hell, but I'm gonna say it anyway: I love you all. And don't you ever forget it. Take care, and have a good night.
—His closing line from "Re: Damar Hamlin"
