Characters / Dirty Bertie

Kids

Bertie Burns

The main character, a seven-year-old boy who doesn't mind breaking rules, likes being dirty, and likes animals.

• Afraid of Doctors: Played with. He's not afraid of going to the regular doctor, but he is afraid of dentists.
• Alliterative Name: Bertie Burns.
• Animal Lover: Likes animals, even ones like fleas.
• Anxiety Dreams:
  • In "Pants!", he has a "Not Wearing Pants" Dream because he's afraid of having to go to school in underwear due to having lost a bet.
  • In "Mud!", he dreams that he is playing soccer against an army of Miss Boots when he's afraid of being a goalie.
• Big "YES!": Says, "Yessss!" upon learning he's been selected to babysit a hamster in "Hamster!" and several other instances besides.
• Blatant Lies: Two of his scrapped excuses for not going to Angela's party are that a crocodile bit his head off and that he has a rare Polka-Dot Disease called "party-itis".
• Book Dumb: Has bad grades, not because he's stupid, but because he finds school boring.
• Catchphrase Insult: He calls Nick, "Nickerless".
• Does Not Like Spam: Doesn't like broccoli, cabbage, carrots or cauliflower.
• Dressed to Plunder: Owns a pirate costume.
• Faking Amnesia: In "Worms!", he pretends to have amnesia to get out of going to Angela's party. His mother doesn't buy it, though.
• Filthy Fun: Likes playing in mud and getting dirty.
• Freaky Is Cool: Likes things like ghosts, vampires, zombies etc, but is still afraid of them and not quite a Nightmare Fetishist.
• Friend to Bugs: Tries to keep fleas, worms, spiders, etc. as pets, and in the story "Manners", he tries to have a funeral for a fly.
• Gasshole: Burps and farts a lot and claims they're his talents.
• Hates Baths: Doesn't like bathing, especially not cold baths.
• Help, I'm Stuck!: Gets his head stuck in the fence in "Zoo!".
• Hypocritical Humor: Once told his sister, "I'm more polite than you, fat-face!"
• Jar Potty: Once pees in a bottle on the bus.
• Jerk with a Heart of Gold: He can be rather mouthy and he misbehaves a lot, but he's also quite a nice boy at heart, being kind to animals and a supportive friend to Darren and Eugene. Even when he tries to drug Miss Boot with a potion in "Trouble!", he changes his mind when he realises she may get sick.
• Lazy Bum: Zigzagged. He's lazy if he's not interested, but if he's interested in something, he can be active.
• Loophole Abuse: In "Pants!", he gets around the bet about going to school in his underwear by saying that he's wearing them under his trousers.
• Nature Is Boring: Doesn't seem all that interested in nature unless there's something disturbing about it.
• Nature Tinkling: Used to pee outside a lot until he reluctantly accepted it wasn't allowed, with the exception of "Twitter!" in which Eugene and his dad let him pee outside.
• Nightmare Sequence: Has had several bad dreams, including a "Not Wearing Pants" Dream and one about a group of Miss Boot clones.
• Nose Nuggets: Picks his nose a lot.
• "Not Wearing Pants" Dream: Dreams that he's wearing only underwear in "Pants!".
• Picky Eater: Zigzagged. On the one hand, he has a long list of vegetables he doesn't like. On the other, he will happily eat some foods his friends won't touch.
• The Pig-Pen: He enjoys being dirty and even feels unfamiliar when he's clean.
• Playing Sick:
  • He thinks of pretending to have a rare Polka-Dot Disease called "party-itis" to get out of going to Angela's birthday party, but eventually scraps it.
  • In "Beg!", he pretends to have the plague while dressing up as a beggar.
  • In "Pants!", he claims that he has "germy measles" and his spots are invisible to get out of going to school because he had to go to school in his underwear due to having lost a bet.
• Potty Dance: In "Loo!", he squirms when he has to pee.
• Potty Emergency: Needs to pee quite badly in "Loo!" and "Twitter!" and falsely claims to be "bursting" in "Fangs!".
• Sibling Rivalry: He and Suzy sometimes argue because of their conflicting interests.
• Snobs Vs Slobs: Sometimes has to compete with snooty Neat Freak's.
• Sweet Tooth: Will go to great lengths to get some candy or cake.
• Teacher's Unfavorite Student: While Miss Boot is a Stern Teacher in general, she particularly finds Bertie obnoxious because he's Book Dumb and scruffy.
• Vomit Indiscretion Shot: He throws up due to carsickness in "Weekend!" and being on a roller-coaster in "Yuck!", and it's illustrated both times.
• Zany Scheme: Thinks he's good at thinking up "cunning plans", but his grandmother calls most of his plans "harebrained".

Suzy Burns

Bertie's big sister, who likes ponies and wants things tidy.

• Blatant Lies: Claims she never farts.
• Chickenpox Episode: Gets the chicken pox in "Germs!".
• Neat Freak: Unlike Bertie, she wants things to be neat and tidy.
• Sibling Rivalry: She and Bertie sometimes argue.

Darren

One of Bertie's best friends. Not as dirty, but just as naughty.

• Does Not Like Spam: Claims to dislike all vegetables.
• No Full Name Given: His last name is never revealed.
• The Prankster: Likes to play practical jokes.
• Sweet Tooth: Really likes sweets.

Eugene Clark

Bertie's other best friend, who's more polite and cautious than Bertie and Darren.

• I Don't Think That's Such a Good Idea: Doesn't like Bertie's ideas if they seem too risky.
• Jerk with a Heart of Gold: More like Nice Boy with a Rude Side; he has a similar teasing sense of humour to Bertie and Darren, but he doesn't like to do wrong and he's by far the politest of the trio.
• Like Father, Like Son: He shares his hair and love of nature with his father (but they're not identical).
• Lovable Coward: "Coward" might be too strong a word, but he's definitely a sweet, cautious boy.
• Nature Lover: Likes hiking and birdwatching.
• Nature Tinkling: Apparently, he always urinates outside while birdwatching.
• Sleepwalking: Sometimes sleepwalks, which leads Darren and Bertie to mistake him for a zombie.
• Sweet Tooth: Likes candy and fruit a lot.

Donna

A friend of Bertie, Darren and Eugene, who's quite knowledgeable, but not as much as Nick.

• Animal Lover: Seems to be quite an animal lover as demonstrated by her owning a mouse and dog and knowing a lot about dogs.

Royston Rich

A snooty, impolite boy in Bertie's class, who Bertie doesn't like.

• Alliterative Name: Royston Rich.
• Meaningful Name: He's in a wealthy family and his surname is Rich.
• Rich Bitch: Gender-Inverted; he has wealthy parents and often boasts about his money and the expensive things his parents buy with it, and in the story "Slave", he "enslaves" Bertie.
• Sweet Tooth: Buys candy by the bag.

Nicholas Payne

A boy in Bertie's class, who is a bit arrogant, teases Bertie, and knows lots of stuff (and pretends to know other stuff). Bertie believes Miss Boot favours him.

• The Bully: Often teases Bertie.
• In-Series Nickname: "Nick", "Nickerless" or "Know-All Nick".
• Know-Nothing Know-It-All: Downplayed; he'll often pretend to have knowledge he doesn't, but he has a lot of actual knowledge as well.
• Neat Freak: Wants his superhero ID to be "Tidyman".
• Nerds Love Tough Schoolwork: Enjoys working on assignments.
• Nerdy Bully: He's the most academically-inclined student and enjoys studying, but at the same time is obnoxious and rude to other students, especially Bertie.
• The Prankster: Not as much as Bertie, but he does like to pull pranks.
• Shared Family Quirks: One story reveals his parents to be neat freaks, just like him.
• Slobs vs. Snobs: Is sometimes a snob competing with Bertie, a slob.
• Smug Snake: Has his arrogant moments, believes he's the smartest kid in school.
• Teacher's Pet: One of the reasons why Bertie dislikes him is that he and Miss Boot agree with each other.

Angela Nicely

A girl next door to Bertie, who wants to be his "girlfriend" and loves candy.

• Birthday Episode: Turns six in "Worms!".
• Cassandra Truth: In "Smash!", she truthfully says that she didn't break the window (Bertie did) but her mother doesn't believe her because she has the ball.
• Large Ham: She has a flair for the dramatic, especially when she's trying to do something or making up a story.
• Limited Wardrobe: Unlike the other kids in the series, she's always seen wearing the same clothes, namely a pink dress with a matching hair bow.
• Loophole Abuse: Tries to keep Bertie's ball on the logic that he never said to give it back, only to get it.
• Nosy Neighbour: One of the reasons Bertie doesn't like her is because she's very curious about what he's doing.
• Princess Phase: Downplayed. She doesn't dress as a princess or go on about princesses, but she does write a story once in which she's a princess.
• Puppy Love: Claims to have a crush on Bertie, though she's six and he's seven.
• Sweet Tooth: Exaggerated. Claims she's in love with Bertie just because Bertie gave her candy.
• Zany Scheme: Likes thinking up wacky plans almost as much as Bertie.

Laura

Angela's friend.

• Girlish Pigtails: Has pigtails that stand up on their own.
• No Full Name Given: Her surname isn't revealed.
• Token Black Friend: She's black and doesn't really have much personality besides being Angela's right-hand girl.

Maisie

Another one of Angela's friends.

• I Don't Think That's Such a Good Idea: Sometimes, she thinks Angela's plans are a bit too dangerous.
• No Full Name Given: Like Laura, we never find out her last name.

Trevor

A "weedy" boy in Bertie's class and Nick's friend.

• No Full Name Given: We don't know his last name.

Nisha

A girl in Bertie's class who's also Suzy's friend.

• No Full Name Given: Her last name isn't revealed.

Bella

Suzy's mean best friend.

• Bratty Half-Pint: Is about ten, same age as Suzie, and quite mean to little kids.
• Does Not Like Spam: Doesn't like salad or pizza.
• The Napoleon: Is noticeably shorter than Suzy and very aggro.
• Picky Eater: Doesn't like salad or pizza and will only eat chips if her mother made them.
• Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: Is afraid of ghosts (but won't admit it).

Zoe Trotter

An active girl in Bertie's class.

Eileen and Myleen Payne

Mean twins in Angela's class.

• Ambiguously Related: It's unknown why they share Nick's last name.
• The Bully: They push Angela around, tease her, and make her eat mud.
• Single-Minded Twins: They seem pretty much the same in terms of personality.
• Theme Twin Naming: Their names rhyme.

Adults

Mr Burns

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Bertie and Suzy's father.

• Berserk Button: Not much makes him mad but do not put him and Mr Rich in a competition.
• Nature Lover: Likes plants and trees.
• No Full Name Given: We don't know his first name.
• Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: Has a weird variety of acrophobia: he's not scared at the anticipation of heights, but freaks out when he actually is up high.

Mrs Burns

Bertie and Suzy's mother.

• Go to Your Room!: Sometimes, she sends Bertie to his room if she feels he's misbehaving.
• Neat Freak: Wants Bertie to tidy his room.
• No Full Name Given: Like her husband, her first name is unrevealed.
• Out-of-Character Moment: Tells a lie in "Boast", despite usually disapproving of lying.
• Will Not Tell a Lie: Downplayed. She occasionally lies, but generally has a policy against it.

Dotty Burns

Mr Burns's mother and Bertie and Suzy's grandmother.

• Cool Old Lady: Bertie likes her because she sometimes lets him do things his parents don't.
• December–December Romance: She once dated an old guy named Reg.
• Genki Girl: Very lithe for her age, which makes Bertie think she's "bonkers".
• Needlework Is for Old People: Downplayed— she's the only character in the series who knits, but she isn't very good at it.

Miss Boot

Bertie's teacher, who's quite strict and grumpy.

• Fat Bastard: Downplayed — she's a Stern Teacher but not too mean, and she's only slightly pudgy.
• Limited Wardrobe: While most of the characters in this series change their clothes, she's always seen wearing a white blouse and a dark-coloured skirt.
• Lost Voice Plot: Loses her voice once.
• Must Have Caffeine: Downplayed; she does drink coffee every morning, but she doesn't seem any worse off if she goes without.
• No Full Name: Her first name is never revealed.
• No Indoor Voice: Quite loud and shouty.
• Stern Teacher: Quite strict and serious.
• Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: Is afraid of rats.

Mr Weakly

The substitute teacher, who's a bit jittery.

• Lovable Coward: He's nervy, and he's a more aimiable teacher than Miss Boot.
• Meaningful Name: Apparently, he gets sick easily.
• No Full Name Given: Like most of the teachers, we know his last name, but not his first name.
• Reasonable Authority Figure: A lot more patient than Miss Boot.
• Shrinking Violet: Is a bit jumpy and shy.

Gerald Rich

A wealthy man, the father of Royston Rich, who Bertie's dad doesn't like.

• Meaningful Name: A wealthy man whose surname is "Rich".
• Rich Jerk: Is a bit boastful and arrogant and he's wealthy.

Mr Grouch

The cranky school janitor.

• Actually Not a Vampire: In "Fangs!", Bertie and his friends think he might be a vampire or a half-vampire, but he's not.
• Alliterative Name: His first name is revealed to also begin with G in one book.
• Child Hater: Doesn't like children, especially not Bertie.
• Hair-Trigger Temper: Just as grouchy as his name suggests.
• Meaningful Name: A grumpy man called Mr Grouch.
• Neat Freak: Doesn't like messes.
• No Full Name Given: Downplayed. His first name is unknown but it begins with a "G".

Miss Bowser

A loud, intimidating dog trainer.

• No Indoor Voice: According to Bertie, she "shouts a lot, even when you're standing right next to her".

Mr Clark

The father of Eugene.

• Like Father, Like Son: Downplayed. He and Eugene have similar hair and they're both nature lovers, but they're not carbon copies of each other.
• Nature Lover: Seems to enjoy nature very much.
• No Full Name Given: His first name is never stated.

Eugene's mother

The mother of Eugene.

• Unnamed Parent: We don't even know her last name, but it could be "Clark" since her husband is Mr. Clark.

Miss Darling

Angela's teacher, who's the most upbeat of all the teachers and the newest.

• No Full Name Given: Her first name isn't revealed.
• Plot Allergy: It's revealed in one of the Angela Nicely books that she has hayfever.
• Reasonable Authority Figure: Knows when to enforce rules, but isn't as strict as Miss Boot.

Ed

Bertie and Suzy's uncle, a bin man.

• Friend to All Children: Seems pretty good with kids.
• No Full Name Given: We never find out if he's on Mr. Burns's side (making his last name Burns) or Mrs. Burns's side (making his last name whatever her maiden name is).

Mrs Nicely

Angela's mother, and a gardener.

• Go to Your Room!: Sends Angela to her room when she thinks she broke the window.
• Nature Lover: Spends her spare time working in the garden.
• Neat Freak: Gets a bit grumpy when children make messes.
• No Full Name Given: Like most of the adults, we don't know her first name.
• Weight Woe: Sometimes worries if she thinks she's fat.

Mr Nicely

Angela's father.

• No Full Name Given: Just like his wife, his surname is unspoken.

Miss Skinner

The headmistress.

• No Full Name Given: Like most, if not all, of the school faculty, her first name is unknown.

Animals

Whiffer

Bertie's disobedient but friendly dog.

• Afraid of Doctors: Or rather, afraid of vets. He's afraid of going to the vet.
• Big Eater: Likes food a lot.
• Big Friendly Dog: Is very affectionate and quite large.
• Gasshole: Apparently, he's called Whiffer because he "farts too much".
• Hates Baths: Hates taking a bath as much as Bertie.
• Lazy Bum: Zigzagged. Sometimes, he's lazy and sometimes he's active.
• Meaningful Name: Was named Whiffer because he farts a lot.
• Troublesome Pet: Whiffer is very disobedient to the Burnses; he Hates Baths, farts too much, once pooped on the neighbours' lawn, and often steals food.
• Uncatty Resemblance: Downplayed; he and Bertie aren't that much alike, but they do both fart a lot and hate baths.

Bertie's Cat

Bertie's unnamed cat.

• Ambiguous Gender: Is a marmalade cat, which are more likely to be male, but we don't know the actual gender.
• No Name Given: His or her name is unknown.
• Only Known by Their Nickname: Just "the cat".

Arthur

A worm who Bertie tried to keep as a pet.

• Unsuccessful Pet Adoption: His mother made him put Arthur outside.

Pusskins

Angela's cat.

• Cats Are Lazy: Zigzagged. Just like real cats, he varies from very sleepy to very active.
• A Lizard Named "Liz": The "Puss" in his name comes from an affectionate term for cat.

Duke

Royston's dog.

• Formally-Named Pet: His name is Duke.