Funny / Dirty Bertie

Seeing as the Dirty Bertie books were made to amuse people, it's only logical that there'd be hilarious moments.

• In "Fleas!", Bertie's Zany Scheme when Whiffer won't move to go to the vet.
  Bertie: "Maggots!"
  Gran: "Maggots? The poor dog's got fleas already! Bertie, this isn't one of your harebrained ideas, is it?"
  Bertie: "No. Trust me, Gran, this will work. When Dad goes fishing he uses maggots. The fish come after them. So what we need is something that Whiffer will come after!"
  Gran: (looking at Bertie) "Why do I get the feeling I'm going to regret this?"
  Bertie: "You won't, I promise. Just lend me your key."
  (ten minutes later, Bertie comes out wearing a helmet and roller blades and carrying a wheelie bag)
  Gran: "That's my shopping bag!"
  Bertie: "I know. It's perfect! And look what I found in the fridge!" (takes a string of sausages from the bag)
  Gran: "And that's my supper! What are you up to?"
  Bertie: "It's simple, I skate along with the sausages in the bag. As soon as Whiffer sees me, he'll start chasing me. He loves sausages!"
  Gran: "And what am I doing while you're zooming off with my supper?"
  Bertie: "You hold on to Whiffer's lead. Don't let him catch the sausages or it won't work."
  • Also in "Fleas!", the Censorship by Spelling scene.
    Bertie: "Dad wants me to take Whiffer to the V-E-T-S."
    Gran: "The what?"
    Bertie: (whispering) "The vets."
    Gran: "Oh, the VETS! Why are you whispering?"
• Bertie pretending to be Mr Weakly for the inspector in "Dare!".
  Miss Barker: "Good morning. My name is Miss Barker. Where is your teacher?"
  Bertie: "Good morning. I am the teacher."
  Miss Barker: "Don't be ridiculous! Where is Mr Weakly?"
  Bertie: "Yes, Mr Weakly. That's my name." (Mr Weakly's glasses nearly fall off his face)
  Miss Barker: "How old are you?"
  Bertie: "Seven...seventeen."
  Miss Barker: "Seventeen? That's far too young to be a teacher!"
  Bertie: "Yes. It is for a normal teacher but it's 'cos I'm more cleverer than normal."
  Miss Barker: "'More cleverer'?"
  • And when he has to pretend to teach a lesson, he considers drawing some fleas, but then decides to ask the other students to do sums instead.
    Bertie: "Eugene?"
    Eugene: (standing up) "Yes, Bertie...I mean yes, sir."
    Bertie: "What are three twos, Eugene?"
    Eugene: "Six!"
    Bertie: "Very good. Nick."
    Nick: (standing up) "Miss Barker.."
    Bertie: "Pay attention, Nick. What is 2,740 times 7 million?...Come on, come on. I haven't got all day."
    Nick: "I...I...I don't know."
    Bertie: "Tut tut, Nick! Extra homework for you tonight!"
• The end of "Fire!" has Nick say that his uncle is a firefighter and Bertie believes he's lying. Later, he gets a ride home in a firetruck (the fire brigade were visiting his school) and has Val (the driver) stop by Nick's place.
  Bertie: "Someone called 999 and had me go to your place right away!"
  Nick: "Why?!"
  Bertie: "Because your pants are on fire!"
• In "Yuck!", Bertie wondering how he was supposed to avoid piles of grass if people left them lying around.
• In "Beg!", Bertie is waiting for his mother to come out of the supermarket, keeping Whiffer company and because he's dressed as a beggar for Victorian Day, people give him money, thinking he's actually begging. It's all smooth sailing until this one lady starts acting questions.
  Woman: "You poor child. Where is your mother?"
  Bertie: (fake sad) "Oh, she's not here."
  Woman: "You mean she's just left you by yourself? Is she coming back?"
  Bertie: "Well...I expect so. ''(looks at supermarket) I expect she'll be back later."
  Woman: "And does she know you are...begging?"
  Bertie: "Oh, yes, it's okay, she doesn't mind. She wants me to beg."
  Woman: (shocked) "Good heavens! Are you saying she forces you to do this?"
  Bertie: "Oh no, not forces me no, but if I don't do any begging we won't get any supper. 'Cos my family are very, very poor. My dad's an actual chimney sweep."
  Woman: (bends over and sees the blotches Bertie drew on his face) "You poor boy. How long have you been living like this. You don't look well at all."
  Bertie: "I'm okay, really. It's probably just a bit of plague or something."
• In "Bum!", how Molly learnt her first word. Bertie was trying to reach a mobile to make it go faster, he didn't see Molly come in and was so startled when she shouted "Bee bee!" that he shouted "BUM!" as an exclamation and Molly copied.
  Molly: "Bum! Bum, bum, bum, bum."
  Bertie: "Shh! Naughty Molly, you mustn't say 'Bum'."
  Molly: "Bum!"
  Bertie: "Molly, say 'Bertie'. Say 'Bertie', Molly."
  Molly: "Bum!"
  Bertie: "No! No bums, okay. Look, what's this, Molly? What's this? (shows sheep mobile) 'Sheep', Molly, 'Sheep'."
  Molly: "Bum!"
  Bertie: "(shows toy dog) Look Molly, doggie! What does doggie say? Woof! Woof!"
  Molly: "BEE BEE!"
  Bertie: "Yes! That's right! Bee bee! Bee bee!"
• In "Boast!", when Bertie's mother lies that he can play the trumpet.
  Bertie's father: "In any case, you'll have to explain it's not true."
  Bertie's mother: "I can't do that now, it will look as if I told a lie."
  Suzy: (laughing) "You did!"
• Miss Boot's orange tracksuit is described as "making her look like a giant satsuma".
• In "Brainiac!", Nick quizzing Bertie.
  Nick: "Hades was the god of what?"
  Bertie: "Never heard of him."
  Nick: "He's a Greek god, stupid, like Zeus and Mars."
  Bertie: "Isn't that a chocolate bar?"
  Nick: "What?"
  Bertie: "Mars."
  Nick: "Yes! No! I'm asking the questions!"

—-