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Quotes / So Bad, It's Horrible

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Martin: Garbage! Who writes that stuff?
Hugh: Uh, I don't know.
Martin: It was mind-numbing. Someone owes me two hours of my life back. I even forgot to eat my popcorn!
Cartoon Monsoon, "Oh, Shoot: Director's Cut"

Sometimes, sometimes bad is bad
Huey Lewis and the News, "Bad Is Bad"

Everything about this is bad!
Dipper Pines on the Show Within a Show "Shimmery Twinkleheart and Cinnamon", Gravity Falls, "Little Gift Shop of Horrors"

Elliot: Why did we watch this?!
Susan: You were the one who wanted to know why it got a four percent approval rating!
Elliot: Why did we play god?!

That was… just bad. Not "So Bad, It's Good". Just plain terrible.
The Sims 3: Late Night, tooltip for the moodlet "Saw Awful Film"

This is so bad it's gone past good and back to bad again.
Enid, Ghost World

That man has committed murder here this evenin' and the victim's name is "theater"! This is the kind of mind-numbing schlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland! This isn't art! This isn't even entertainment! This… blows!
Lois Griffin on Peter's Production of The King and I, Family Guy ("The King is Dead"). (Ironically, the show was well-received.)

Butt-Head: Whoa! I think I just figured something out, Beavis.
Beavis: What?
Butt-Head: This sucks!
Beavis: Yeah! It really sucks!
Butt-Head: This sucks more than anything that has ever sucked before.

Aubrey: If that had sucked any more, the TV would have imploded upon itself.
Jason: If a movie's that bad, it should be required by law to have three silhouettes in the corner making fun of it.

They're bad. But not in the hilarious way.
Knives Chau on some clothes, Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little Life

George Phblat's new film, Benji Saves the Universe, has bought the word bad to new levels of badness. Bad acting. Bad effects. Bad everything. This bad film just oozed rottenness from every bad scene… simply bad beyond all infinite dimensions of possible badness." note 
Opus, Bloom County

Eminem: How's orders looking for the first week?
Steve Berman: It would be better if you gave me nothing at all. This album is less than nothing. I can't sell this fucking record... I'm gonna lose my fucking job over this.
Steve Berman (Skit), from The Marshall Mathers LP

This is an unholy demon! I'm sending this back to Hell where it belongs!
Judge Claude Frollo's opinion on The Irate Gamer, The Frollo Show ("Frollo Gets AIDS")

Maybe this story is a new form of torture!
Wildberry Princess, on the Ice King's Fionna and Cake fanfiction.

That was honestly the worst movie I've ever seen... Is it even okay to call it a movie?
Nagito Komaeda on Monokuma's The Wizard of Monomi movie, Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair

With eight letters, MostlyDifferent has conjured the most horrible word the English language might possible be capable. No other entry made me scream more in pure misery and anguish. Here’s the most horrible thing about it — it can mean so many things, but Winnie-the-Pooh ejaculating onto someone is the least awful. The least! That’s the best case scenario of all the possible things "Poohkake” can mean! More likely, it means a large group of people ejaculating onto Winnie the Pooh, while he rolls around in it and calls in hunny! Maybe keeps it in jars! Or worse, maybe the "pooh” is literal, and all the denizens of 100 Acre Wood are shitting on Pooh while he masturbates in a sexual frenzy! THESE ARE THE THINGS THE WORD “POOHKAKE” MAKES PEOPLE THINK ABOUT BY ITS VERY EXISTENCE. MostlyDifferent, you win a free t-shirt. Also, I wish you had never been born.
Rob Bricken of Topless Robot on the winner of the "You Fiction Friday" contest

The review you had on "Shark Sandwich", which was merely a two word review, just said "Shit Sandwich".
Marty DiBergi, This Is Spın̈al Tap, reading a review of one of the band's albums

That was one of the worst things ever...and not just on TV.
Chandler, Friends, "The One with Rachel's Assistant", on one of Joey's sitcoms

This suckquake of a movie was a complete wastenado of my seven bucksonsoon.
Strong Bad, Homestar Runner, a passage of "Strong Bad's Jerktionary" from the sbemail "dictionary"

    Advertising Reviews 
The one crumb of comfort it's possible to draw from this commercial is the certain knowledge that everybody involved in making it, or merely watching it, will one day die.
Charlie Brooker on this Haribo Super Mix advert

When I see it I think of fire, screaming and post-nuclear landscapes. It makes me long for death's icy embrace and an eternity in endless, unknowable limbo. [...] It's an awfulness so deep and broad it's like some abstract notion of evil; the merest hint of which is so fundamentally disturbing it would drive kind, sane men to murderous havoc. It makes me want to kill.
Ad Turds on Halifax's "ISA ISA Baby" advert

I actually searched searched high and low to find a PIF worse than this, but there simply isn't one. "Moment of Doubt" is just the worst PIF ever made. There's no other way to put it. It's silly, it's unrealistic, it's laughable, it's ridiculous, it's insane, it's incompetent, it's ineffective, it's maniacal... and it's shit. [...] I want to destroy this PIF. I want to trash it, and bash it, and smash it into a million pieces, until nothing else remains.
easportsbig899 on THINK!'s "Moment of Doubt"

    Anime and Manga Reviews 
This show is an abomination. Thankfully, it seems to realize this, and compresses the awfulness into 6-minute episodes. Even then, there is nothing worth watching about this show. Avoid it like the plague. That is all. Thank you.
RandomRedneck on Gokujo

It's not even an anime like Garzey's Wing, where you can sit in front of the TV with your friends and make fun of it for an hour. That novelty wears off within the first five minutes.
American Anime Otaku on Master of Martial Hearts

Very seldom do I come across an anime that I can honestly say I didn't enjoy at least a little bit. In this case, however, I had to stomach each episode as its flaws grew more and more grotesque. Each sliver of hope for redemption was spat on as the plot continued to drive itself into obscurity and chaotic pointlessness. Should you come across this title, do the world a favor and bury the DVD where no one else will have to suffer its torment.
Nihon Review's Godai, on the anime adaption of Koi Koi 7

If you are looking for an awful good time, seek out a show like Big Order, which can at least offer some kind of ironically worthwhile experience in exchange for its crappiness. Hand Shakers is just an awful time, with nothing good about it. Some of its directorial blunders are definitely ones for the history books, but they're not worth sitting through the entire show to experience. Do yourself a favor and avoid Hand Shakers at all costs. Let the industry learn from its mistakes by letting this show fade into the anonymous oblivion of obscurity.

Phoenix: I can't imagine anything being worse than this. A movie? A show? An anime? A book? A five-year-old's crayon drawing of a bowl of chicken noodle soup? NOTHING! This makes S Cry Ed look dignified. The art is terrible, with an all-consuming grayscale that drains the life out of you and never gives anything back. The animation is the worst, with an obviously slashed budget that makes everything even more boring and gives absolutely zero exciting action beats or anything of value. The characters are all either too pathetic or dickish to care about, and the soundtrack is so terribly lazy that it could have been smashed up by a six-year-old on a friggin' toy piano. And don't even get me started on the story. The nothing, uneventful, exposition-fest that this show is trying to desperately pass off as a narrative, is insulting not only to The Epic of Gilgamesh, but to every one who has ever read it. It hurts me in the soul that millions of dollars that could have been spent to feeding the hungry and caring for the sick went to make this animated abomination! For shame. FOR SHAME!
Fox Catcher: And then there's the fact that the entire show is just reproachfully disturbing. Confused genders, incest, everyone's lifeless voice and dead eyes, the total lack of color... There's setting a tone, and then there's being corrosive to the senses. And this is most definitely the latter. It's also shocking to me that at the end of the day there isn't any silver lining with this show. There isn't ANY single merit left to it. Nothing. It is one hundred percent terrible, and zero percent enjoyable. I didn't even think that was possible but to my utter horror, I've been proven wrong. Thanks Japan.

    Comic Reviews 
Errors: This comic was produced.

If you like this comic, you are objectively wrong. I can prove it with graphs.
Bleeding Cool on Uncanny X-Men #443

Jesus fuck, there is nothing right with this story. Nothing, on any level. The villains were ridiculous and ill-motivated, at least two of the characters involved were functionally invincible and lacked any sort of real motive, Spider-Man is an asshole, Scarlet Spider just battles things randomly, and we’re supposed to sympathize here with motherfucking Kaine, who just wants the Jackal to love him? This story could only be redeemed if it could somehow kill off the Jackal and Spidercide twenty or so more times within its pages, and even then it would only be somewhat passable.

I would set this comic on fire right now if I wasn't afraid that I would breathe in the fumes and grow dumber as a result.

It’s essentially The Room for comics… It’s tempting to just leave it at that, because really, there’s not much you can add to 'Green Arrow’s sidekick does heroin because he can’t get a boner' that would make it sound worse than it already is.
ComicsAlliance on Justice League: The Rise of Arsenal #3

For years it seemed this project would remain a rumor, a cruel trick being played on all the men in their thirties still reading the same things they read in their teens. But after all the fallouts and reconciliations, oustings and bad schedules, the Image founders (kind of) were finally able to come together on Image United #1, just making the deadline for Worst Comics of the Decade… the book goes down about as smooth as a crushed-glass martini.

    Fan Work Reviews 
I tried SO HARD to at least read chapter 1-2. I TRIED. This is absolutely PAINFUL. I experianced physical PAIN from this story. But hey, if anyone is ever doubting their writing skills, I'll direct them to this story. It'll make them feel much more secure about their abilities.

To be quite frank, this story cannot be described with any word(s) associated with/related to/have anything to do with anything positive in any way whatsoever. It is a waste of space, which is certainly saying something, taking into consideration the fact that it is posted online and therefore physically cannot actually take up space, much less be a waste of space... Please don't abuse such a wonderful thing by posting utter garbage. It's a disgrace.

6,000 years ago, in an ancient city, mankind came together to build a tower out of dicks. And God did say, "that is way too many dicks", and smote them, and made many languages; and from the ruins, YOU ATE! THE DICK! TOWER! OF BABYLON!"
Matt of BAD CREEPYPASTA, to the author of How Jeff Killed Christmas

When I said I envied the dead before, this was based on the assumption that when we die there is no afterlife, just obliteration and void and blackness. While I used to be scared at the idea of my soul dying, now I’m genuinely looking forward to it. If there’s no me, then there’s no me who has read this story. That sounds like the sweetest release of all.

    Film (Animated) Reviews 
...whether it was made for 65 million dollars or just 65 dollars, there is nothing to be proud of in this movie. Everybody should be ashamed for even acknowledging it exists. I feel like Beelzebub's ballsack just for drawing attention to it!

The animation is the worst. [The characters] never look alive. The jokes are the worst. They never once get a laugh. The characters are the worst. They're all just stereotypes of stereotypes. The plot is the worst. It's a joke. Literally. It's all written as a joke, but one with no good setup or punchline. It is one of the worst pieces of commercialized dog shit I have ever seen in my entire life!

I think this whole entire film was some idiot looking through the garbage, finding the shredded first drafts of successful films, taping them together, typing it up on a computer, setting the computer on fire, inhaling the fumes, death, and this was the mocking eulogy some asshole gave at his funeral. And that... is the best-case scenario.

If you ate a copy of the worst cartoon you can think of, you’d still probably crap something better than Ratatoing.
Ed Liu, ToonZone

Parents should take their children to Hoodwinked Too! Hood Vs. Evil, if only because kids are never too young to learn the important and liberating skill of walking out of a movie and demanding a refund.
Kyle Smith's review of Hoodwinked Too, New York Post

This movie hurt me. It’s worse than Home on the Range. It’s worse than Chicken Little. It’s worse than the live-action bits of Osmosis Jones. It’s worse than Rock-A-Doodle. DO NOT ALLOW YOUR CHILDREN TO SEE THIS MOVIE. Bury it deep underground where it cannot harm anyone. Send it to a place of rock and metal where nothing grows. And tell your damn wife where that is, so she doesn’t send him to Central freaking Park instead.

The Wild just constantly TAKES… and TAKES and TAKES AND TAKES until there's nothing LEFT OF YOU!
Duckyworth's review of The Wild

"Describing this as the 'best' of the abysmal animated Madagascar trilogy is like indicating a slight preference for being locked in a sweatbox instead of waterboarded: Either way, you feel enormous gratitude when it's over."
Lou Lumenick on Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted

"You seriously listened to us?"
Roy Disney to John Lasseter, on the infamous Black Friday cut of Toy Story (for context, the Disney execs wanted Pixar to make an edgy film, and by God, they got it)

    Film (Live-Action) Reviews 
This film is frequently hampered by the fact that it's horrible.
James Lileks, on A Study in Scarlet.

If you liked this movie, then you probably don't exist.

Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It’s not merely bad; it’s unpleasant in a hostile way.

I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.

There's camp-fun bad and interestingly horrible bad, and then there's just awful. Movie 43 is the Citizen Kane of awful.
Richard Roeper's review of Movie 43

This was not made, it was committed. This cannot be screened, it can only be inflicted.
Oancitizen, on Sweet Movie

Should the makers of Nukie wish to use computer graphics imaging to retroactively enhance their movie, we recommend they digitally remove the whole movie.

This isn't funny. It isn't even unfunny. It's something close to anti-funny.
Robbie Collin on Mrs Brown's Boys D'Movie

I have a really hard time not calling Highlander: The Source the single worst movie I have ever seen. Triumph of the Will has always stood out as the iconic terrible film to me, with monstrous content supporting the Nazi party and a pace that makes it feel like a week of torture, but it at least had some artful directing to it...The Source isn’t even something I can laugh at. It’s like somebody systematically set out to make the worst movie of all time and proceeded to accomplish that goal with all the precision efficiency of an unstoppable bad movie-making machine.

Matt: It’s like a kid’s painting made into a movie.
Chris: The script, the direction, the wardrobe, the props — BloodRayne’s swords are rounded at the end! — nobody cares.
Matt: The movie’s just this collection of perfunctory elements that an alien might think should be in a human film… What I’m saying is that Uwe Boll may not be human.
Chris Sims and Matt Wilson on Bloodrayne

Watching Fox's Fantastic Four feels like taking a cheese grater to your soul.
Alex Abad-Santos's review of Fantastic Four (2015)

Mike: One, in particular, might have been the worst movie I have ever seen in my whole life. And I'm sure everyone at this table would agree.
Rich: No, it's not the worst of my whole life. It's bad though. Things. Things! How can you ever say that after seeing Things?
Jessi: You know… you know, Things had redeeming qualities. This movie had no redeeming qualities.
Mike: Things is more entertaining. This is just loathsome.
Best of the Worst on National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure

… Once in a while there is a movie so bad that it takes you to a place beyond good and evil and abandons you there, shivering and alone.
Dana Stevens' review of The Love Guru in Slate

Go ahead, commit cannibalism! Slaughter your neighbors and feast on their still-warm flesh. Nobody can judge you, because the mere existence of the film Gods of Egypt has dissolved all social contracts, and eliminated forever all concepts of good and evil...For even if nobody else ever saw this movie, its very existence was enough to sunder every human relation for once and ever. There could be no language, no society, no kindness, after Gods of Egypt.

Hey, don’t blame me… I had nothing to do with writing or filming this.

I didn’t put together a storyboard with 'RALPHIE HUMPS MANNEQUIN' on it.

That was someone else.

Someone evil.

Possibly Satan himself.

No "Director's Cut" and no "fan edit" could restore any semblance of dignity to this egregious pile of shame. Beastmaster 2 single-handedly torpedoed a once-promising sword & sorcery movie franchise and turned a cult favorite into a punchline. It was cheaper, dumber, and far more annoying; a complete betrayal of Don Coscarelli's original classic by relocating the Beastmaster into modern Los Angeles. It's so bad, you can't even get it on DVD. I mean, Highlander 2? Pfft, no problem. But this? Sheeeeet.
Noah Antwiler on Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time

*start scene*

Eddie walks into (location): School/Police Station/Old Navy/Nightclub and looks creepy

Actor initiates dialog to find out why Eddie Murphy looks like a creepy bastard.

Eddie remains silent and creepy/will mimic the actor in an annoying game of mirror mirror.

Actor defies all reason and continues to talk to the creepy man instead of calling police.

Eddie continues to try to milk the joke.

I die a little inside.

* end scene*

And speaking of Bay et al. excusing themselves—there’s a brief diversion where the screenplay dabbles in Texas consent laws to explain why it’s okay for the 20-year-old boyfriend to be dating a 17-year-old—I’m almost impressed at this commitment to being completely horrible.

It's so bad that I almost want other people to see it too so that they can see just how bad a movie can be. The only thing is, I'm not that cruel. I would never recommend anyone waste their money on this movie. It would only encourage the filmmakers to make more movies.

It's not just bad; it's a different kind of bad. It's the kind of bad you're watching, and you look at God, and you're like, "I-Wha-? I'm sorry! Whatever it was...Whatever I did to piss you off, I'm really sorry."
Jeremy Jahns, on The Legend of Hercules

A movie that made me hate the idea of movies.

PIXELS [is] so bad it requires a new review scale: in lieu of stars, "how many fingers should the filmmakers be allowed to KEEP?"

Sarah Jessica Parker sort of kind of teased that a Sex and the Retirement Community 1 Sex and the City 3 movie was happening, but Warner Bros. pretty much shat on that rumor by saying that a third one isn’t in the works. Besides, if there were talks for a SATC3 movie, we’d definitely know it. Every Razzie voting member would immediately turn in their membership, because their tolerance for watching dried cinematic turds stops at another SATC movie.

Just thinking about writing a review for this movie gave me a headache. Accurately representing the shittiness that is "Don't Be Scared" almost certainly requires something more along the lines of a novel. (And of course, it would be a pretty shitty novel.)
Black Horror Movies, on Don't Be Scared

I highly recommend seeing this film, as it will elevate the standing of every bad film you ever see.
An IMDb review of Going Overboard

It’s terrible, awful, horrible, dreadful, unpleasant, horrid, repulsive, and I’m running out of synonyms.
Chronicle-Herald's review of The Devil Inside

It is memorably awful. It is stunningly awful. It is so awful that we are fortunate that 'awful' has an adverbial use that means 'very' or 'extremely.' This movie is awfully awful.
Neil Genzlinger, on In-APP-ropriate Comedy in The New York Times

The Upside: At some point, it ends.
The Downside: The true downside of the film is that it even exists.
Kate Erbland, on In-APP-ropriate Comedy

What if nothing is ever funny again? What if the movie has obliterated your sense of humor? And then it's over—thankfully it's only about 80 minutes long, even if it feels like 80 days—you leave and go outside into the sunlight and get an ice cream and suddenly everything's okay again.
Dave White, on Vampires Suck

This is the worst thing that no one should ever have to see! It's awful, it's terrible, it's... it's so bad I am forced to make up my own words to describe how bad it is. This movie is... is... Horribufuckus!

Everyone will tell you that it's a chick flick. Only in the sense that if you ground it up and fed it to battery hens, it might be better served than running it through a projector.

Don't see this movie it's ho — Look, I'm sorry guys; don't see this movie, it is horrible. Don't! (...) It is so painfully unfunny and so horrifically boring and completely unaware of its demographic that I am positive that kids and adults will leave this movie wanting their money back.

Usually Movie Slate exists and lives for the preservation of movies, even the worst ones. These ones are not. Seriously, they don’t deserve to exist. Not even as an example of how bad things can be done. That’s how bad they are.
James Corck, moderator of the aforementioned Movie Slate blog, on The Christmas Shoes and sequels

Who are the few assholes who gave this an 8% on Rotten Tomatoes? Why isn't this a zero?

It’s so painfully unfunny we’re not sure it can legally be called a comedy. Let’s put it another way: You know that story about the monkey paw, where a grieving mother wishes for something and her wish comes true, only it’s all twisted and wrong and horrible? Someone may have gotten a hold of one of those talismans and said, “I’d love a Step Brothers reunion, maybe with a recognizable I.P.” and then a rotting, shambling corpse is suddenly knocking on the multiplex doors. (...) At one point in Holmes & Watson, a character goes undercover as a manure salesman and begins screaming, “Horseshit for sale! Will anyone buy my horse’s shit?” It’s the one genuinely honest, self-aware moment in the movie.

The opening scene of Dinesh D'Souza's new documentary depicts Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun committing suicide in their bunker. Long before the painfully unendurable Death of a Nation reaches its conclusion, viewers looking for their own way out will be feeling envious.
Frank Scheck on Death of a Nation: Can We Save America a Second Time?

    Literature Reviews 
This book doesn't deserve a number. It doesn't even deserve to be listed. To list it implies some value, even as a marker for the lows of the series. But this book doesn't deserve the attention it will garner just by virtue of its position... Chicken Chicken very nearly ended the blog two years ago, but I ultimately decided to push forward.
Troy Steele on why he didn't give the Goosebumps Book #53, Chicken Chicken, a rating.

I hate to be a populist, but this is one of those rare occasions where I think the general consensus has it right. This thing is a vile, morally-reprehensible piece of shit and it deserves every ounce of hatred hoisted upon it — if not more... [E]ven at a paltry 100 or so pages, it’s one of the most excruciating literary undertakings of my entire life. It’s over-the-top, slobbering hatred makes “Mein Kampf” seem downright lucid by comparison, and it’s approach is so preachy and self-righteous that it makes “Unintended Consequences” read like light George Orwell. On top of being a categorically offensive book, it’s also a poorly composed one. It’s a shitty ideological message wrapped up in a shitty speculative fiction tortilla — it’s got so many levels of “bad” going on simultaneously that you really have no idea where to begin criticizing it.
Your Friendly Neighborhood Jimbo, review of The Turner Diaries

    Live-Action TV Reviews 
The most jarring gap in quality in Doctor Who’s history. The most colossal lapse of judgment in Doctor Who’s history. A story that had everything riding on it that just completely blew it. Every single thing about this story is a bad idea. It’s outright impossible to figure out what they were thinking. On top of that, you have the Doctor and Peri in a creepy domestic violence/Stockholm syndrome scene. No wonder the series was cancelled.
Dr. El Sandifer on Doctor Who, "The Twin Dilemma"

The script feels as though it has been written by a teenage horny illiterate geek; there is no moment of sophistication or charm or relief. As far as I know this is the only time I will ever give this mark: 0/10

They say an infinite number of monkeys and an infinite number of typewriters could eventually reproduce all the works of William Shakespeare, but this? Three monkeys, no typewriters, just a whole lot of masturbation and shit-throwing would've accomplished the same thing. There is a vault where copies of all the greatest works of our culture are placed so that they'll never be lost. I am petitioning to have an even deeper one made for this so it can never be found.

If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that special and smash it.

'Threshold' is an episode of Star Trek: Voyager. And it is the only indefensible hour in the entire history of Star Trek. I don't mean it's the only hour I can't defend. I mean it's the only hour nobody can defend. And nobody does. This is important, because while there are worse things in the world than Star Trek, there is no fanbase more diverse in opinion. And they all hate 'Threshold'.
Bryan Lambert, You Are Dumb

BBC iPlayer can be a double-edged sword. On one hand it has freed us all from the tyranny of television schedules, but on the other it means you now have a month to watch Len Goodman’s Partners in Rhyme. A whole month to chance upon this fermented kaleidoscope of dung. A whole month to watch it while your brain involuntarily smashes against the inside of your skull in a frantic bid for damage limitation. A whole month to send the link to all your friends to make sure it actually exists and you’re not just having a psychotic episode.
Stuart Heritage, on Len Goodman's Partners in Rhyme
    Music Reviews 
HOW IS THIS SONG ACTUALLY GETTING WORSE!? Who could listen to this!? It's not catchy, you can't dance to it... why would anyone listen to this!?
Todd in the Shadows, on Mario's "Break Up"

I hate every second of this. Everything about this song is unpleasant. This actually smells bad. I can smell this through my speakers… This is what all pop music must sound like to people who hate pop music. And if you DO hate all pop music, I can't even imagine what this sounds like to you. To you, this must sound like armpit farts and the screams of innocent children.
Todd in the Shadows, on Kesha's "Blah Blah Blah".

Oh, God, it hurts! It hurts so much! Oh, God, it's so awful! It's like the worst parts of five different genres rolled into one! So bad! It's...I'm sad all the time...I can't sleep at night, I have these horrible thoughts in my head and I can't fight them off, and....what's the point? What's the point of anything?! What am I even doing here?! Why don't I just go ahead and...oh, it's over. Thank God. Sorry. That song sends me to some weird places.
Todd in the Shadows, again, on the "Hoedown Throwdown" from Hannah Montana: The Movie''

Lovin' you may be easy because you're beautiful, but hating this song is dead simple because it's awful.
Bennett the Sage, on Minnie Riperton's "Lovin' You" (in "The Top 20 Worst No. 1 Hits")

I wholeheartedly believe that [Lionel Richie's] "Ballerina Girl" is responsible for 90 percent of the violent crimes in North America today.
A submission to Dave Barry's Worst Song Survey

...she'd play "Don't You Care" by the Buckinghams, and I'd make a noise like a person barfing up four feet of intestine, and Marcy would say, "OK, that's a 'Don't Like.'"
Dave Barry again, "Mustang Davey"

I've been writing this review site for more than seven years...and in all that time I've heard some truly horrendous, unlistenable records - records that rate at the very bottom of a metric 1-10 scale. Your Metal Machine Music, your Y Kant Tori Read — heck, on this page alone, Madonna has scored a couple of 1s. But in all my years of reviewing - from the beginning of the 20th century clear through to the end of the 21st — I never expected to come across an album with such a volative mixture of uncreative melody, embarrassing production and offensive, moronic lyricism that it would physically bust through the bottom of my scale and force my wife to design a graphic for "ZERO." After all, how would one go about getting a ZERO on a scale of 1 to 10? Genius that she is, Madonna has figured it out!
Mark Prindle on Madonna's American Life

What happened? Is Blackout half deaf? Did he really this badly miscommunicate the music? It hardly sounds anything like the original. It's a fucking insult to Mega Man.
Levelengine, on the butchered port of Cossack Stage 1 featured in Hammer Brother

Long-time VGJunk readers may remember that a few years ago I wrote about the SNES version of Wayne's World. That game was, and remains, one of the most unpleasant experiences I’ve ever had with a 16-bit platformer – a joyless, punishing slog through a series of ghastly mazes that reached a stunning nadir with a rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody so bad I’m surprised Freddie Mercury’s ghost didn’t fly down from his opulent heavenly pleasure palace and batter whoever created it into a coma.
VGJunk, on the aforementioned game's infamous rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody"

It’s a bad record, and what’s more it’s a deliberately bad record: a record whose badness has been specifically calibrated to appeal to people who find the idea of a small child making a record endearing, but only if said child makes something this toothily, winsomely, perkily, grotesquely, exploitatively bad. To be fair there is also a market for spookily competent children as well as angelically rubbish ones – recent show Britain's Got Talent had one of each in its final as far as I could see, though both were beaten by an opera singer. A child performer as bouncily horrible as Little Jimmy, though, manages to shame even this ignoble variety tradition, as well as being a poisonous force in pop. Poisonous because this stuff sold and taught promoters that you didn’t even need the veneer of songcraft or production quality of a “Grandad” to make a smash. Five weeks, for mercy’s sakes – and only the first of them at Xmas, so that’s almost a MONTH of Little Jimmy souring the already bleak midwinter.
Tom Ewing of Freaky Trigger on Little Jimmy Osmond's "Long-Haired Lover from Liverpool"

Show the worst of the worst now. HERE COMES THE WORST OF THE WORST! Here comes something that makes me sick! He was my favorite guitarist! Now he's changed, he's something... I swear, I'm feeling sick.
Richard Benson (translated from Italian) on Paul Gilbert's "Acoustic Samurai" album.

    Other Reviews 
Imagine if there was a logo that is actually a hate letter to other logo's which favored rich animation and overall excitement. Class Video is actually that. Nothing ever happens over the course of 1 minute, even causing you to forget about every other logo I've mentioned on this list.

How did Central Park Media find the literal worst voice actors on the planet?! Is there just, like, something in the water in New York City that makes everyone sound like an asshole? People were given money... People were given real currency for their performances (American, too, not Canadian or anything like that, no)... Actual bank notes—denoting a set amount of wealth legitimized by our government's treasury—were given to people to sound like THIS.
Bennett the Sage, on the English voice acting in Sins of the Sisters

DashCon was an innocent convention ruined by corruption, Rainfurrest was a flaw in the earth's crust allowing the spirits of hell to break free and flood the world with chaos.
— A YouTube commenter on the subject of Rainfurrest 2015

Don't let your kids watch it!
Robbie Rotten in the third season trailer of LazyTown, edited onto various crappy movies, games, and TV shows.

    Theatre Reviews 

So indescribably bad that I do not intend to waste anyone’s time by describing it.
Clive Barnes, New York Post, on the infamous Moose Murders

I think my lasting memory of Broadway will forever be the climactic moment of the three-and-a-half-hour first act. Spider-Man stood at the foot of stage and took a huge leap into the audience, then got stuck hanging from a cable. He had to play the air guitar to entertain the audience. Finally, the stagehands got hold of him and pulled him back. I thought, "For eighty million dollars you get three fat stagehands and a guy playing the air guitar!"
Michael Riedel, New York Post

Delusions of grandeur clearly attended the clueless construction of this musical, in which people fall in love with undetectable chemistry, suffer without arousing pity and die with no other consequence than relief. Those who decry shows made by committee should be careful what they wish for: In My Life is the sound of one man flopping.
David Cote reviewing In My Life

    Video Game Reviews 
Pong is better. And Pong is only, like, three lines and a ball. Those little Tiger electronic wrist games, those are better than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde... Okay, you've seen the game. Now that should satisfy all your curiosity.

If you are curious enough to play it, just do yourself a favor and don't. I mean, if you're like a hardcore Nintendo fan as I am, and you have to have every single game in your collection, please do yourself an enormous favor and just stay the fuck away from this awful piece of shit. Don't even buy it used for, like, 1¢ or whatever. That shiny gold copper will be worth a fortune someday compared to this awful pile of steaming goat shit.

I mean, don't even download it. No matter how curious you are, just do yourself a favor and never play it, because, you will be wishing for the rest of your life that you could invent a time machine and go back to the day you played that game and just fuckin' kill yourself. If you ever find that game, if you ever see it, smash it. Smash it with a hammer. Smash it 'til every tiny fragment is like, is so small, it's invisible. I mean, you'd rather super-glue your asshole shut than play that game.
The Angry Video Game Nerd on Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (NES)

You know, sometimes I wish that instead of just a power off button, the Nintendo had a FUCK YOU button that launched the cartridge out fast enough it would shatter on the wall. It might kill a few kids, but once you show how much Wayne's World needs to be destroyed, any judge would rule all the deaths as acceptable losses.

There comes a point when something can no longer be a believable mistake and has to be a result of intentional malice. Double Dragon II: Wander of the Dragons runs screaming past that point within the first five minutes and then proceeds to spend the next couple of hours desperately trying to ruin everything you ever loved about Double Dragon, video games in general, and the concept of happiness itself.
Nikola Suprak, reviewing Double Dragon II: Wander of the Dragons for Hardcore Gamer.

You don't play it. It happens to you. You survive it. Maybe you pick up a few entertaining stories along the way. Maybe you just walk away with a hefty dose of emotional trauma. Either way, you're still out 50 bucks and your last pale glimmer of faith in humanity.

Aquaman hit store shelves for a full $20 and received such crowning scores as: RUN! RUN! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RUUUUUUN!
JonTron, on Aquaman: Battle for Atlantis

Perhaps the plan was to release this game right at the start of the year so that it might be forgotten about by now, or at least eclipsed by something even worse like, for example, a game that comes with free crystal meth. Yes, it's AMY, an uncontroversial choice perhaps, but my god, there's offensively bad and then there's the kind of bad that dresses up like Hitler and starts doing impressions of people with cerebral palsy.
Zero Punctuation, "Best and Worst of 2012"

Sonic Boom taught me to hate. I thought I hated before Sonic Boom's existence, but I realize that was a child's daydream of loathing... Sega's final insult, Sonic Boom, is a reminder that we're all going to fucking die.

It's hard to think of even one thing Ride to Hell doesn't fuck up!!
Zero Punctuation "Ride To Hell Retribution 1%

At one point Postal III tasks you with collecting HIV-infected cats; I'd rather do that in real life than play this awful game again.
Phil Kollar, in Game Informer's review of Postal III.

… I mentioned it made little kids cry. Upon further review, I was wrong: it makes grown men weep like babies.

Shmorky: Trying to tell someone that they're playing this game 'wrong' is like trying to tell someone that they're playing in the sewers wrong.
Lowtax: If they're playing the game, yes, it's inherently wrong.
Shmorky: It's like trying to tell someone they jumped off a cliff the wrong way.

I hate this game. I hate it more than I have ever hated anything before in my life. I hate the endlessly looping ten seconds of music, I hate the way Chu can stand on thin air and fall through solid objects, and I hate that such a cool name was wasted on a game like this. Most of all, I hate that I can't give this game the score it deserves because the SA rating system won't let me use scientific notation.
Taylor "Psychosis" Bell, on Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu

It's actually pretty rare that we run across a game this bad… I'd rather run over it, and I'd definitely back up just to make sure it was totally destroyed.

Ubisoft and AMA Studios didn't drop the ball on this; they weren't even invited to the sport in which the ball exists.
GamesRadar, on Fighters Uncaged

Do yourself a favor and avoid this game like the plague. In fact, avoid it like you would avoid something that you avoid more than the plague.

The fun never stops with Super Boxing. That is only because you can't stop something that doesn't start.

You know what?

Fuck you Sonic, fuck you Tails, fuck you balls, fuck you Aquatic Base, fuck you Shadow, fuck you Silver, fuck you laser fence, fuck you Elise, FUCK EVERYONE! FUCK THIS GAME!

This is truly one of the most unplayable piles of excrement on the face of the planet. Don't buy it, don't give it a try, don't even look at the cover art! In fact, I recommend never to watch this review ever again... seeing this abomination displayed more than once might result in complications.
Aqualung Game Reviews, on the Atari 2600 Karate

Fortress Of Fear was of course the sequel to Ironsword: Wizards And Warriors II and in that NES game's packaging the protagonist Kuros had on the cover the romance-icon Fabio shortly before he inexplicably transcended into an international celebrity. However while Fabio was ostensibly the player's avatar in Ironsword it was Fortress Of Fear that made people truly feel like Fabio. Specifically it made them feel like Fabio that one time when a bird smacked him into the face while riding a rollercoaster. Yes, Wizards And Warriors X (or is that Wizards and Warriors 10?) is the video game equivalent of being smashed in the face with a bird at high velocities. It is not a good game.

In fact it is arguably the worst we have seen today on Gameboy. There have been some rough entries so far to be sure: Hyper Lode Runner had no learning curve, Castlevania: The Adventure utterly failed to live up to its legacy and poor Shogi, that involved such complex AI-manoeuvres that it nearly broke the Game Boy. None of those games were legitimately bad. All of them offered some sort of redeeming factor. Even the lackluster and badly dated Baseball was decently entertaining as a 2-player fare. With Fortress Of Fear however there is nothing of value.

This is the worst game I have ever played in my life. That's not something I say lightly, I've played countless bad games because I really like bad games. I find them to be a lot of fun. But this is so bad, I can't find it that much fun. It just makes me uneasy. To the very core, it actually affects me. It is just so... fucking bad. It makes me wonder: what's next for the world? If this exists, how can we progress as a species? [...] If I saw and witnessed true evil, if a man lit my car on fire, took a shit in my shoes, milked my dogs without their consent and stepped on my thumb, I would still hope he lives a life where he never has to play this game.

What kind of game is this?! Is this some sort of insanity test?! Well, I'm done. I'm sorry, but that's all I can do! This game doesn't even qualify as shit! It's like the equivalent of shit taking a shit! This is unspeakably, shockingly bad. It's sickeningly LOATHSOME! It's a fucking suffering to the mind! It's a bunch of fuck, and it doesn't belong on this planet!

And now... what was the worst game? Can you think of one? Is there one still stuck in your brain? There was one I just couldn't get out of my brain for being quite possibly the worst game in the world- in fact, I'd say quite possibly the worst game in the universe, because I don't think there's an alien species fucking stupid enough to come up with something as bad as Galactic Hitman. The same level repeated with the same enemies repeated that wouldn't fire at you if you weren't looking at them and if you crouched they'd miss and you could see bits of the level through it and there was no real point to any of it and you could fire your gun without actually hitting the fire button and... just... so bad. Like so... seriously, I think we should get Geneva involved, because it's technically a weapon of mass destruction. If you air-dropped that shit onto North Korea, they would surrender immediately, but you'd be morally bankrupt forever and everyone would hate you. It just should be destroyed. You know they buried E.T. in the desert because there were too many copies of it? I think we should bury all copies of Galactic Hitman in the sun, just to make sure that [every copy of Galactic Hitman was] absolutely, positively, 100% destroyed, removed, and obliterated from this fucking planet so no one ever has to suffer through that piece of undeniable... shit ever again.
NerdCubed, on Galactic Hitman

You know you have that curve, that... the whole idea of the graph where something is good and then slowly, as the quality declines, it becomes bad, and then you have a sweet spot where something's So Bad, It's Good? It doesn't even begin to grace that area.
Alex Olney, playing Zombie Brigade: No Brain No Gain

If a demon ever wanted to take revenge upon this world, you couldn't ask for a better way than this, because this isn't a game; it's fucking punishment. It's the most accurate simulation of a burning eternity in hell ever made.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SOLD THIS SHITFEST FOR $199!! That's about how much it costs for a video game console, pretty much. You could take $199, stand on a bridge, and just throw it all away! You'd rather do anything then spend it on a broken down, dysfunctional disaster of video game programming, with games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in mid-air, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuckton of other things! It should've been ILLEGAL for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Could they have tried making one good game, as opposed to 52 horrible games? Quality over quantity. That's our lesson here.

Even the worst games out there have some positives about them, and I really can't think of one for this game. This game is terrible in every way. If someone can think of something positive about this game, please write me. Do not buy this game; do not rent this game; do not even look at this game. It's a sin that this game even exists.
Wiiviewer, on Looney Tunes: Acme Arsenal

I know what you're thinking. Even at this speed, this game is BORING. I only have this to say: You're wrong. Boring is not anywhere near descriptive enough to describe how soul-crushingly bad this is. 5 horrible characters and literally eye-searing graphics. Music and sound effects that I hesitate to call music or sound. More like "music" and "sound".note  Not to mention these ARE the worst controls i've[sic] ever had. There is no doubt.

Someone asked me yesterday "Hey, when do you think your review's gonna go up?" No one on staff wants to play any more of this videogame. I'm not gonna subject myself to another 20-30 hours of this fucking mess just to put a number on it. My number is "Don't play this game".

    Webcomic Reviews 
This comic tops the chart in every criteria this website uses to gauge the value of its review subjects. The worst art, most awful writing, most insane plot, biggest Mary-Sue characters ever, craziest and most insufferable author. In short: This truly is the worst comic ever made.
The Bad Webcomics Wiki, on Sonichu

There is no downfall if the webcomic starts at the bottom of the scum bucket.
The Bad Webcomics Wiki, on Billy the Heretic

It can be described as "existent" and "on the internet", however please do not confuse it with Goatse, which satisfies both criteria and is a far superior piece.
Encyclopedia Dramatica, on Electric Retard

Surfing on the internet, I found a comic so horrific that reading it is a challenge to anyone's sanity. My mind went temporarily blind at the index just by the hideous drawing. It's like my own brain tried to prevent me from reading the comic. I persisted; I wanted to see how bad this could be...You must be warned of this torment. Maybe then you'll resign to calmer activities, like listening to loud metal music while trying to sleep. ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
The Bad Webcomics Wiki, on Look What I Brought Home!

    Western Animation Reviews 
What can I say? That was the most excruciating thing I may have inducted yet. Abysmal animation, unlikable characters, not an entertaining segment in the bunch. And most importantly, the jokes just weren't funny. I know this was intended for kids, but this is crap that kids wouldn't laugh at. It's unfunny, unlikable, and detestable garbage that I'm glad never went further than this. This is the image of tooncrap above, and beyond.
Tooncrap, on Madballs: Gross Jokes

Oh for the love of all things pleasant in this world, there are a shit ton of things you could do to make this clear! Close that pony’s mouth! Control where the audio is coming from! Show the camera on the blue one! HAVE HER MOUTH MOVE! I know that it’s tough to animate, it’s tough to draw, to make things look pleasant to the eye, have each character be fluid, have a story that has some sense of tension, and have sound effects that sound real, but dipshits, THIS IS THE JOB THAT YOU PICKED! Either put your all into it, or get a job as, oh I don’t know, MCDONALDS JANITORS! You’ll probably be paid more, but then again you probably aren’t qualified!

It is one of most offensive, worthless pieces of shit that I have ever seen. It is in one of the top 10 worst cartoons that I have ever seen. Episode upon episode of this trash I’ve tried to watch. It’s filled with blatant ripoffs, blatant pandering, and most of all, blatant stereotypes and possibly racism for kids! Buckle up, because this is a wild ride with no way off, and I’m not too happy about this one.
The Mysterious Mr. Enter before starting his review on Da Boom Crew


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