Mildred: Does that actually work?
Lottie: I dunno. I think the idea's just that you're doing pretty good compared to the cow.
Have an injury? Just slap a piece of steak over that wound!
The Beef Bandage is when a character applies a raw (and sometimes bloody) slab of steak over a fresh wound, commonly a black eye. It is said that the steak stops the swelling of the wound, or successfully acts as an icepack if the steak is frozen.
The existence of this treatment is Truth in Television, although it isn't really recommended that you try it unless the steak is fresh out of the fridge or freezer, and sealed inside plastic wrap. Cow blood seeping into one of the most absorbent parts of your body (the eye) usually isn't good for you. You're probably better off with an ice pack. note The reason behind using a steak was the fact that steak in general is kind of flexible and would form to the contour of your eye socket. Bags of frozen vegetables are sometimes used for the same purpose. Nowadays, most people simply recommend a washcloth soaked in cold water. Meat bandages are also an effective way to deal with botfly maggots, as the maggots are likely to leave the infested person's flesh and burrow into the meat, which can then be discarded.
The steak treatment may originate in ancient Greek medical theory of the "Four Humors". The beef, being red and bloody, would draw out the swelling. It didn't work, but since the treatment was fairly harmless and the cool meat might actually make it feel better, the custom persisted.
There are also records of Ancient Egyptians using meat and Honey (actually a somewhat decent antiseptic, given that chemicals in it ward off many types of bacteria) to treat wounds.
Not to be confused with Hyperactive Metabolism (where actually eating the steak instantly cures wounds from various sources), though "Turkey Bandage" was proposed as a name for that.
- In Richie Rich, Cadbury had the pleasure of being Beef Bandaged.
- In the Batman/Doc Savage Crossover, Bruce is spending the morning sitting beside Wayne Manor's pool, discussing the Gotham Gazette's coverage of last night's Batmanning with Alfred.
Alfred: Incidentally Master Bruce, I've brought you a steak.
Bruce: For breakfast?
Alfred: For your eye.
*Bruce removes his sunglasses, revealing a prominent shiner.*
- Asterix: In Asterix and the Golden Sickle, a merchant asks a butcher for a steak after getting badly beaten up. Given afterwards the merchant has to run from the title character, the butcher chases him wanting to get paid... and eventually gets punched, requiring a steak of his own once returning home.
- Was standard treatment for a black eye in The Beano, The Dandy and so on, in the good old days when children's comic characters regularly beat each other up to that extent.
- In Surrogate of Zero, Shinji uses one after Louise blows him up over a traumatic bit of roleplaying.
- Used in Dumbo by one of the elephants after the tent collapse.
- Secondhand Lions does this with a gang of thugs whom Hub beats up mere hours after getting out of the hospital for a heart attack. When he later comes by to collect the meat scraps, he invites them all to stay for dinner, serving steakes they've used.
- In Meet the Robinsons, Goob wanders into the room holding a steak over his eye after getting beat up by his teammates for missing the ball, and complaining about his lack of sleep.
"Mister Steak, you're my only friend."
- In the Disney movie Smart House, the titular house is taught how to be motherly by a marathon of 1950s comedies. When it recommends a steak for a bruised eye, the father of the family observes, "That hasn't been done since the '50s."
- In Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical, Mae wears a steak over her eye after some domestic abuse. The steak is promptly eaten by stoners with the munchies.
- In the Astaire/Rogers musical Top Hat Horace gets a black eye. Jerry recommends a raw steak, so Horace tells his servant to order one from the hotel kitchen. Too bad miscommunication results in a cooked steak with all the fixings being delivered instead. What a shock to get one of those on the eye!
- Done at one point in Dragonheart.
- In Gangs of New York, Amsterdam gets a nice bloody slab slapped on his eye wound after a dust up with Bill's right-hand man. Appropriate enough, given it happens in a butcher shop.
- In Love Before Breakfast, Kay goes to a salon to fix up her black eye, shes given a beef treatment.
Kay: Put the whole cow on if it'll help any.
- The bag of frozen vegetables variant is used in Bridesmaids. Annie's idiot roommate opens the bag of peas and pours them down her back, then blames Annie for not specifying to keep the bag closed.
- In The Magician's Nephew, when the jeweler complains that Jadis blacked his eye, a butcher's boy recommends a nice raw beefsteak to reduce the swelling.
- In Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Hagrid does this with dragon steak once he returns to Hogwarts after meeting with the giants, and enduring some rather brutal beatdowns.
- In Nine Goblins, one is offered to Mushkin after he gets a black eye.
- Done at least once in Tamora Pierce's Song of the Lioness series.
- The Doctor's Book of Home Remedies mentions the steak in the "Black Eye" section of the book. The book says however that it was the coldness of the steak causing the healing of the wound or black eye. In fact, the book even goes on to say a vegetarian may have gotten the same result from iceberg lettuce.
- The botfly maggot version occurs in the Young Bond novel Hurricane Gold. Bond bandages a piece of bacon to Precious Stone's back to draw out the larva.
- In Smoke Bitten, Mercy uses the bag of frozen vegetables variant (specifically frozen peas) after she gets her nose broken in an attack, saying that she finds it more comfortable against bruises than an ice pack.
- Hannah does this with a frozen fish from a cooking show in Hannah Montana.
- Robbie: You know, when we get home I might cook that up for you, just for the halibut. Halibut!
- Kramer applies one to his face in an episode of Seinfeld ("The Apology").
- He borrows it from Jerry when he gets a black eye, then later asks for some A-1, because he is also cooking a steak of his own at the time.
- Occurs in an episode of The Brady Bunch to Peter.
- Done during the first season of Mash with Trapper after the boxing match.
- In one episode of Chuck, Chuck can't afford a steak, so he brings Sarah a hamburger patty for her black eye.
- In Roswell Max pretends to do this, but actually uses his alien Healing Hands to cure the wound. The guy is incredulous at just how well it worked.
- On Happy Days, in the episode where the boys fight a gang called the Red Devils, they go back to the Cunningham house for an After Action Patchup, where Mrs. C gives Potsie one.
- In an episode of Home Improvement, Tim has a black eye because Jill accidentally hit him. George Foreman, who is guest-starring on Tool Time, recommends that he put a thick steak on it. Al says he thought you were supposed to put ice on a black eye, to which Foreman says, "But when you're done with ice, you can't barbecue it."
- In a Christmas episode of Bewitched, the Stevenses and their neighbors, the Kravitzes, each decide to temporarily adopt an orphan for the holidays. Said kids get into a fistfight over the existence of Santa Claus. Mrs. Kravitz suggests that they buy steak for the resulting shiner; Mr. Kravitz wonders why they can't just use cold cuts.
- In an episode of Green Acres that tells the story of some farmers in a book Oliver is reading, the character that Lisa plays puts one over Oliver's character's eye after getting into a fight at a barn dance. Actually it was pot roast, but same difference.
- In Roundhouse, the "new kid" uses one following a punch from The Bully, until his Bumbling Dad asks to put it on the grill.
- Mr Edwards does this in an episode of Little House on the Prairie.
- Sanford and Son: Following a fight with the ex of a girl he's seeing, crazy old Grady Wilson puts a slice of bologna on Lamont's black eye because, as he says, steak is much too expensive.
- Bones uses the vegetable variant. When Booth & Brennan are stuck in an old fashioned open elevator during a power outage, Booth hurts his back. Sweets brings a bag of frozen peas from a neighbor. "I'm not cooking dinner!"
- New Tricks: In "The Curate's Egg", Fiona holds a slab of beef wellington on Danny's eye after he is punched by her father.
- In an episode of My Favorite Martian, Bill Bixby's character needs one after a night of running around to save 'Uncle Martin'. 'Uncle Martin' suggests he should get it cooked well-done to say "Well done.".
- In an episode of The Courtship of Eddie's Father, Eddie puts a steak over his eye after getting punched at school.
- In the Honey West episode "The Abominable Snowman," Sam drapes a raw steak meant for Bruce the ocelot over his black eye after he gets in a fistfight.
- In The Moon is Blue, after Don receives a shiner from Patty's Overprotective Dad, Patty, who is concerned about his eye but believes he deserved it, suggests this:
Patty: You should have put some raw steak on it.
Don (Irate again): If you hadn't invited Slater for dinner there might have been some steak left for me to put on it.
- Has happened at least once with a brontosaurus steak on The Flintstones.
- Done in Popeye.
- Used in Recess. T.J. gets a black eye, and he's doing this on the drive to school. When he gets there, his parents ask for the steak back, saying that they need it for tonight's dinner.
- Used in The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy in the episode, "Night of the Living Grim," where Grim becomes a mortal human. He gets punched by a guy at the mall, and he is seen using this. he is then punched by Billy's dad because the steak was supposed to be his dinner.
- In the Phineas and Ferb episode "Comet Kermillion," Doofenshmirtz invents "Steak Specs," glasses made from steaks, so he won't have to hold a steak up to his black eye.
- Implied on an episode of Heathcliff and the Catillac Cats.
- In The Loud House, Lincoln is given a raw steak by the girl who gave him a black eye.