This piece of gold from the Midnight Screening of Transformers 3.
Brad: I've seen some bad movies this fucking summer: Priest, Pirates 4. This makes those movies look like Super 8. This movie sucks big, floppy, venereal-diseased, fucking DICK! Oh my fucking GOD, is this a piece of shit! Now I know what it was like, Jerrid, when you went to go see Judy Moody, because this movie is for someone who's fucking FIVE! (beat) But what did you guys think?
The increasingly Oh, Crap face on Jerrid's face as he realises just how pissed Brad really is.
Jake's rage across Brad's Midnight Screening 2011 reviews was always entertaining, and he stole the show in the wrap-up show, where Brad and his friends discussed their favorite and least movies from the summer.
Jake: I don't know, I hated damn near everything I saw this summer. My absolute worst, I'm gonna say the group of friends that I have, for making me see all of that shit.
In Brad and Jake's review of Spy Kids 4, after mentioning the preview for Adam Sandler's Jack and Jill, Brad mentions how he thinks Al Pacino decided to take a part in the movie:
Brad (as Al Pacino): Hey Bobby! I bet I can make a worse movie than Little Fockers!!
Also from that episode, them describing the film's "4-D" (read: scratch and sniff) gimmick, and the two constant smells generally being "cardboard" or "fart."
"I am so glad I paid money so you could watch some fucking porn! I had to watch Green Lantern! You had much better fucking 3D than I did!"
Also, the story of Jake and the confused ticket seller, who thought Jake was just kidding about buying a ticket for Mr. Popper's Penguins, to the point that he printed him off a ticket for Green Lantern.
Jillian reviews Breaking Dawn Part 1 while Brad & Brian have some fun. It truly starts when Brad and Brian throw milk and cookies on her and gets better.
It is also a Crowning Moment of Awesome for Jillian. Seriously, she has to be a good sport to allow herself to be messy and humiliated like that.
Not to mention getting her payback by shooting Brad straight-on.
The review of the third Alvin and the Chipmunks film, pure rage all the way through. Starting with the opening scene featuring the chipmunks winding their way through people's legs going onto the cruise ship, and they were hoping someone would step on them.
Brad's hilariously silly line of "They get Chipwrecked! when guessing what happens in the film.
Jake repeating what Brittany said in a complete ghetto voice.
Brad and Jerrid sit through The Devil Inside, which has a disclaimer saying it is not endorsed by the Vatican, and Jerrid imagines the Pope sitting in a movie theatre with a bucket of popcorn, endorsing the movie.
Jerrid questions Selene's ability to survive a headshot which Brad accepts as it is not a commonly accepted method of killing vampires. Which leads to the following lines:
"It's like getting mad at Superman because he flies. What?! Real people can't do that! Psh, look, all I'm saying is that Superman should not be super. He should get shot like the rest of us. Fucking Superman, who the fuck does he think he is?"
Brad, Jillian, Dave and Ryan see The Phantom Menace. When the topic of the Luke and Leia kiss from Empire Strikes Back is briefly raised, Brad has a response:
Brad: Well, that was hot. Caligula's my favorite movie, think I'm gonna have a problem with incest in Star Wars?
Irving: If you like the possibility of becoming brain damaged, or the possibility that your future children will come out of your womb or ballsack as complete and utter down syndrome kids, go see this movie. Jake:What the fuck is WRONG with you!?
"You filthy sons of bitches. I hope you all die of herpes. Do you understand... YOU CAN'T EVEN DIE OF HERPES, AND I HOPE YOU DO!"
Sarah: Okay, so final thoughts?
Jake:(Totally Deadpan) I hate Adam Sandler. I hate everyone who likes Adam Sandler. I hate Adam Sandler's parents. I hate everything to do with Adam Sandler. If I read in tomorrow's paper that he died, I will paint myself and dance naked in the streets. In just sheer joy. And I will do it for forty-eight hours.
Sarah's opening says it all: "You know what's funny? Pedophilia."
Jake's explanation of how Sarah got him to see this movie, involving bad impersonations of Brad, Jillian and Sarah, and culminates in him screaming "You have pretty eyes!"
She employs the same technique when Paranormal Activity 4 comes around, and Jake has to keep her from falling asleep.
The preview pic for the Midnight Screening of The Amazing Spider-Man is utterly hilarious to behold. The gang all got little plushie Spider-Men at the premiere, so they shot a pic that looks like they all came in cosplay, save Sarah who's grinning like there's no tomorrow in the picture.
At the end of the "Top 10 Worst Films of 2012" video, Brad suggests that Jake should wear a rainbow afro from Madagascar 3, walk down the street, and sing "Dun dun dunununun Afro Circus", which causes Jake to chip in, only much louder, to the point where he's screaming into the face of Brad, who is in hysterics.
DUN DUN DUNUNUNUN DUN DUN CIRCUS. AFRO CIRCUS! AFRO CIRCUS!!!!!!
In the Texas Chainsaw 3D review, Brad makes yet another reference to Roots. Max Force asks him how come everything comes back to that show. Brad struggles to answer, turns to Brian, and asks: "Help me out, you used to have slaves".
Incidentally, after this video, the rest of the Midnight Screenings crew will periodically refer to him as Slaver Brian.
At the end of the video the topic switches to Brad's Snob review of Moment by Moment, and Brad tells of someone who contacted him that had read the novelization of Moment by Moment. First, he's surprised that a novelization exists, then he's blown that there's a scene where John Travolta's character tells Lily Tomlin's character that she looks like his mother...and even if she was his mother he'd want to have sex with her.
While discussing G.I. Joe: Retaliation, Ryan brings up an old clip from the show in which Deep Six emerges from the bottom of a pool to educate kids on swimming safely. What follows is this gem:
Why was Deep Six in the bottom of that pond, looking up at these boys in their swim trunks swimming?!
During the review of Tyler Perry's Temptation, Irving walks by while Dave and Brian are reviewing the film. Irving asks, in a playful tone "How was your guys' movies, huh?" Dave proceeds to leave the car and beat on (i.e.shove a lot) Irving. While Brad, Brian and Ryan watch.
Brad: It's about time one of these turned into a snuff film!
Hell, Dave's unrestrained fury during the whole review is hilarious to watch.
Which hilariously enough started during the first few seconds of the review.
Dave: Fucking dammit!
Brad: Dave, you save some of that magic for the camera.
Sarah and Brian dancing at the end of the Battle of the Year (3D).
Brad's "gift" for Irving in The Big Wedding review.
Sarah describing The Great Gatsby as "This dude falls in love with this vapid cunt of a woman, and then she fucks him over and he dies."
Brad and Brian reenact the overenthusiastic audience they had during The Hangover Part III at the beginning of the review.
The beginning of the review of The Internship is utterly hilarious: Jake holds up his ticket stub, which he lit on fire. Then he steps out of the car to put out the fire. He pops back in just to say "I'm done" and disappears (He does return).
When they're trying to explain a scene in the movie and are baffled by one characters job description ("the guy who runs the fucking search engine?"), Sarah offers up the helpful offering of, "He, he's the search engineer" and proceeds to get a high-five from Brad. Dave yells out NO and hits the steering wheel in anger; Jake, whose hatred of puns is lengendary, can be seen twitching in fury and having to restrain himself from possibly ending Sarah right then and there.
The whole video is the stuff of legend. Jake and Dave, when not screaming, are seething in anger and desperately wanting to hurt something somewhere.
Jake: All it was was a bunch of stupid, awkward white-people humor. You KNOW HOW I FEEL about WHITE-PEOPLE HUMOR! . . . Y'know what they're called when they first show up to this place? They're called "Noogles", Brad. THEY'RE CALLED "NOOGLES!" BECAUSE THEY'RE NEW TO GOOGLE!!! "NOOGLES!!!"
Dave: And they use it exactly how you expect them to!
Jake: "What's up, my Noogles?".
At one point, Sarah gives Jake an activity book for the upcoming animated movie Turbo:
Jake: Hold on, there's a word search. Dave: Oh, let's do the word search. Jake: The answers- I don't know if you can see this- [holds the booklet up to the camera] Here's the word search. The answers are all highlighted for you right there, in the bottom right hand corner. There's really no point to even looking. Brad: Well how else am I supposed to know where the words are? Jake: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LOOK FOR THEM! Why do they put it in the bottom right hand corner? Traditionally, this shit's on the ba- this is the back. You half-assed motherfuckers.
Dave declares that he'll never use Google again, and Brad asks him, 'So you're a Bing man, now?' Dave is completely taken aback, and can only utter 'Wh... what?"
Brad appearing to pop out of Hammerspace during the review of Now You See Me.
Brad and Irving deciding that Harrison Ford's performance as Branch Rickey in 42 makes it a better Old Indiana Jones movie than Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and advising the viewers to "go for Jackie Robinson, stay for Indiana Jones!"
During Ryan and Jake's Monsters University review, Ryan brings out a shirt that Brad bought Jake as a gift. What follows is beyond words.
"DOES THAT SAY 'WITCH AND FAMOUS????!!!!' WHY DOES THAT SAY 'WITCH AND FAMOUS???!!!!'"
What really sells it is Ryan completely losing his shit in the process.
Before that, there's Ryan's rant about people being noisy in theaters.
Jake breaking down into disbelieving laughter when Ryan describes a preview depicting time traveling turkeys.
Sarah's plot summary of Fast And Furious 6: "So, Michelle Rodriguez isn't dead, she has amnesia, and everyone has to go save her, and (mimes driving, shooting a gun and explosions) the end."
Brian: Well, it was me or a commenter, dude. Come on.
Irving: Dude, fuck this.
Jake is thoroughly pissed off by R.I.P.D and ends up having to sing his happy song to cheer up. What is it? It's none other than the Ducktales theme song!
Jillian manages to annoy the hell out of him in the process, winds him up into a full-blown rage, and when he's done, she manages to look serious and just asks, "So, did you like it?"
Her obvious joy as she annoys him makes it even funnier.
Jake's declaration that he will personally destroy the world when he becomes a ghost because the hatred he has cannot be killed.
Sarah and Dave review Red 2. Jerrid turns up, and Sarah cordially invites him to fuck off.
Brad, Jake and Irving all review Smurfs 2... shirtless.
In the beginning, Jake pulls off his Smurfs 2 jacket and grabs his shirt off Irving's lap. Irving snaps "Ow, watch my balls!" to which Jake replies "Fuck your balls!" Brad, being Brad, is sitting in the back seat laughing to himself.
The light in the car goes out after a few minutes. To turn it back on, Brad opens and shuts his door. The second time he does this, they have their shirts back on.
The way the review starts, before the shirts come off, is just golden. The Kid Movie Dream Team(Irving and Jake) are both sitting in the front seat, Jake with a look of utter displeasure on his face and Irving's face is very grim while he plays with his phone. Brad, on the other hand, picks up a Smurfs 2 waterbottle, takes a swig, and then gives out the most satisfied "Ahh" afterward that immediately sparks Jake's characteristic fury.
"That was great, 'cause I'm sitting next to Jake and, all of a sudden, I hear him just scream out, 'HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT A FUCKING CORNDOG IS?!?'"
Jake is furious when they get to talking about all the puns the movie made.
Jake: At least Die Hard 5 did not say "Smurfholm Syndrome." That fucking infuriated me. "Oh yeah, she just has a classic case of Smurfholm Syndrome!" Yeah, that's a fucking fantastic disease to throw "Smurf" in front of. That's fucking fantastic.
Brad: "Don't mind him, he's got Smurf Gehrig's Disease!"
(Irving nearly bursts into laugher)
Jake: Smurf Gehrig's Disease!? (Laughs)
Jake refers to the female evil Smurf as "Jillian-Smurf". Then he flips out when the others laugh and explains himself at the top of his lungs.
From the Planes review: Jake pitches an idea for a movie set in the Cars/Planes universe titled "Jetsetters."
For the Paranoia review, Brad, (who's flying solo) starts it with "I'm so lonely." The You're Next review released the following day:
Brad, Brian and Dave go see The Best Man Holiday, having not seen the predecessor The Best Man. What they got was a surreal experience that they can't say is good but highly recommend, saying that it verged on Stealth Parody at points.
In the Top 10 Worst Films of 2013 (Brad and Jake Edition), when Brad says his #1 worst movie, A Good Day To Die Hard (the one in Mother Russia) the caption above part of the title of the poster of the movie makes it read: "Eat Shit and Die Hard".
The "STD Bingo card" joke in the review of That Awkward Moment.
Endless Love (the remake) broke Brad and perhaps even more than that ("it made my soul melty"). Especially since the movie is almost an adaptation In Name Only and closer to a Nicholas Sparks book. Jillian's light-hearted moments prevent the review from getting hard to watch. Brad even lampshades that, without Jillian, it would have been the most depressing review and video he made for the website.
Their review of Robocop features an Orphaned Punchline at the very beginning: "Maybe (Brian Lewis's) ancestors owned him." The crew admitted the orphaned punchline will make no sense to the audience, but if you think a little harder you will realize they were discussing why Lewis is a black man in this movie.
Brian's impersonation of the crying sound that Mary Magdalene does in Son of God.
Sarah imitating Peter's crying.
Brian's impression of the kid from ''Heaven Is For Real" and his take on the trailer.
At the end of the review, the light of the car goes out, and they (Brian and Sarah, who did the review, and Jillian and Brad, who were in the back of the car) say goodbye. Cue Brian going "Urrrrghhh!" just before the video finishing.
Brad getting a taste of what he's been dishing out to Dave and Brian when he has to go see Tyler Perry's Single Moms Club.
The first line of the video was like a Brick Joke more than a year in the making (since Dave and Brian had to see Tyler Perry's Temptation):
Brad: Everything they said was true!
Brad and Sarah guess that the society of Divergent was created so that the four main factions would kill each other and leave Amity in charge.
The Philosophy Class. There's Brad mentioning that he would drop out of the class after a week because nothing would be accomplished, the fact that Radisson would've been fired a long time ago, and when talking about how Josh managed to convert a class of 80+ people to Christianity, Brad and Dave mention the fat guy sitting in his desk while everyone else is being converted, joking that he's the lone holdout or is simply stuck in his seat.
Jake telling a story of his school Wrestling days in the Draft Day review is priceless.
The funniest part of the "Draft Day" review is while Jake is recapping the plot of the movie, and they start assigning the characters stupid nicknames, for example: Bo Callahan is Bo Titties, P. Diddy's character is Pizzle Dizzle, Vontae Mack is Mack Daddy, and Ray Jennings is Ray-Jay.
Rio 2: Brad comes up with a pun so good that even Jake can't help but smile:
Also of note, Jake demanding to know where the Gales' insurance guy was, and Brad responds as the "Caught ya a dollar" guy.
His surprise at seeing how somehow his Grandpa Tuggers idea was made into a movie, and it was this one.
When discussing the unusual closing credits, note Where the names of random real life people are placed over still images of Dorothy helping to rebuild the town. they theorize that the movie could have been funded through either Kickstarter or Indie Go Go. note Given that the film had a $70 million budget, this is unlikely. Brad jokes about giving them $1000 under "Angry Jake Norvell".
Brad: "We were about to cancel this whole production, but then we got a thousand extra dollars!"
Jake: "Oh no, argh!"
Brad: "Now we can put it in 2,000 cinemas nationwide!"
Jake: "Starting with the home town of the person who donated, Mr. 'Angry Jake' Norvell."
During the Million Dollar Arm review, Brad compares Jillian to Dorothy from Legends of Oz: Dorothy's Return, he even edits in a side by side comparison and the resemblance is uncanny.
At the end of the Godzilla review, the random guy who wants to know if Brad wants to get "drunk and high".
Pointing out that despite the fact that Godzilla is a giant monster who is taller than most buildings, he still causes less collateral damage than Superman in Man Of Steel.
The car light going out at the exact time that they actually start talking about the movie itself. They realize this means they spent ten whole minutes discussing the 1998 film before getting down to business.
Jake is more mellow than usual in the How to Train Your Dragon 2 review due to seeing a good movie and winning a plush neckrest from a claw crane. He and Brad joke about how it turns him into "Zen Jake" who has no problem with movies like The Smurfs 2. Brad then impersonates an angry fan who thinks the new Jake is boring.
Brad: "Looks like the sky is gonna provide a three-point shot to win the game!"
Brad saying how this movie completes Wendi McLendon-Covey's "Trilogy of Shit" having starred in Single Moms Club and Blended prior in the year.
Brad and Irving in the Jersey Boys review talking about their childhood sex talks and late night Cinemax watching is a thing of beauty...
The Earth to Echo review, where Jake has a blunder on par with the "Assburgers" incident.
Brad saying that the movie is sort of a remake of the Atari 2600 ET game, followed by Jake yelling at Brad for the latter's defense of the game.
When discussing the stupidity of Who Shot JFK? theories, Brad and Jake joke about the conspiracies surrounding the Challenger explosion, such as Reagan ordering the explosion to win the election note Seeing how the election happened in 1984 and the explosion happened in 1986, the logic is made by the duo impossible on purpose. It gets better with this dialogue:
Jake (as Oliver North): "Mr. President, we need security clearance to shoot down the ship."
Jake (as Reagan): "Jelly beans."
Brad: "It's a go!"
Jake (as North): "You heard the man, it's a go, shoot the bitch down. BLAM! Look at those approval ratings."
In the Planes: Fire and Rescue review, Brad & Jake break equate an RV-Salesman whom himself is an RV to slavery, of course leading to a rendition of Slaver Brian selling R Vs. "If I buy this RV, why do I have to buy the five smaller ones? Got to keep the family together..."
The Purge: Anarchy review, Brad & Jake talk about an internet reviewer style purge. The main rule being that they can make fun of the viewers but the reverse cannot happen with the highlight being what Irving could say during it.
In what comes in a close second in terms of faulty tech behind Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014), a chunk of Brad and Dave's review of The November Man is dedicated to the theater losing power and them having to wait 40 minutes to finish the movie. All two minutes of what was left of it.
The thumbnail for the As Above So Below review, which has Jake and Brian holding hands behind their backs.
During The Equalizer review when discussing the promo for Wahlburgers, they come up with their own idea for a reality show: ''PanJakes" which is centered around Jake opening a pancake stand in the middle of Springfield.
The beginning of the Left Behind review. Since Brad and Jake were parked under a floodlight, they joke that God is rapturing them out of pity over seeing so many terrible Christian movies this year, in spite of them both not being that religious.
Jake (As God): "You've gone through enough boys. Come on up."
Then after that, Jake realizes that there's a spider in the car leading him to have a hilarious freakout.
Dave and Brian's review of The Best of Me, and when discussing the jerk husband with the name Frank Reynolds and his friend "Chaz." Dave talks about how "We need a really WASP-y motherfucker hanging around with us."
Especially when they imitate Truman holding up the Dewey Defeats Truman paper, only with him also Flipping the Bird. Followed by them imagining a scenario where Truman buys 365 editions of the paper so he can drop it off at Dewey's front door every day.
During Jake and Irving's follow-up review, Jake points out how the lone black male character's characterization borders on Sassy Black Woman. Irving then summarizes the behavioral stereotype as a "Negress," giving us this golden exchange:
Jake: "A NEGRESS? What the hell is a NEGRESS? A black princess?"
Irving: (over Jake's sentence) "A female Negro...yes!"
(Cut to a solid thirty seconds of Irving cackling and Jake slumped over the steering wheel making a series of deep snorting noises while trying to regain his composure)
Jake: "We're probably gonna end up cutting that out."