Funny / TV Heaven

Too Smart For Strangers

• The opening gag with Bootleg Bill the DVD Pirate. Also his reaction to a molestation lesson by Disney characters:
  Winnie-the-Pooh: Oh, Piglet, you're right. People you see everyday might...want to touch you.
  Brad: *laughs* Yeah, and... wait, what.
  • Followed by:
    Piglet: But, is there touching that's not okay, Pooh?
    Pooh: Oh yes, Piglet, and that's the kind of touching that gives you a funny feeling inside.
    Brad: Stop. Stop. Stop this now, please. Stop.
    Pooh: If anybody tries to touch you anywhere in a not-okay way, a way that feels wrong, tell them "no."
    Brad: Yeah, most rapists tend to listen to the word "no." Jesus Christ, kids, kick them in the balls and run!
  • Which is followed by a song on the subject matter, prompting bewildered reaction shots from Brad, Jillian, one of his cats, Mr. Bill, and a R.O.B. the Robot.
    • It's even funnier when you imagine the R.O.B. being ROB from 80's Dan.
• Brad labeling Tigger as an 'unhinged, coke-head tiger'.
  • In this same scene, Brad asks Tigger how to fend off a stranger:
    Tigger: Scream! And kick! And bite! Fight with all your might, and try to get away!
    Brad: Are you afraid to say the term "go for the nuts"? 'Cause we are trying to give good advice here.
• "I certainly learned a lot from Tigger and Roo!"
  Brad: But unfortunately, Pooh learned nothing about eavesdropping!
• During a stranger danger example:
  Man: Hey kid, come here a second. I seem to have lost my dog somewhere around here and I was wondering if you might help me try to find him?
  Boy: No, sorry, I can't do that. [rides away on his bike]
  Brad: Or you could tell him that you haven't seen his dog and then run away, you rude, ginger, little shit!
• This:
  Brad: Thank you, magic rabbit who dresses like Jack the Ripper!
• The scene where Owl lets Tigger in:
  Brad: Haha, so obviously not only is a piglet costume okay, but a tiger costume as well. I hope you pervs are taking notes!
• "Some strangers, the bad ones, want to hurt kids ...and bears." Cue obligatory clip of Christopher Walken crushing a model of "Country Bear Hall" with a sixteen-ton weight.
  • The instant Fridge Logic that follows.
    Brad: Honestly, if a stranger were to fuck with a bear, that'd probably be the last time you heard from that stranger anyway.
  • This exchange.
    Pooh: Sometimes your parents may have to touch those parts, if they're bathing you, or dressing you, or maybe your doctor might need to touch them, when he's examining you...
    Brad: Um...you do realise...that the doctor may also be guilty of, ah?... (makes disturbingly proctological gesture).
• When Owl is first seen, he is asleep in his chair, prompting Brad to speculate that he must be having a stomachache "from eating too many Tootsie Pops."
• Brad concludes the review by advising the parents of the children involved to move to a safer neighborhood. "As for me, I'm going to lock all my doors because I'm agoraphobic now. Thanks, guy in a bear suit whose name is another word for 'feces'!"

Heil Honey I'm Home!

• About a minute in, Brad mentions that his DVD starts with "the tail-end of whatever was being aired beforehand". In the rerecorded video in 2019, he follows this by cutting to himself and saying "It's Dad's Army!," giving the impression that he got a lot of comments about this the first time.
• Brad commenting on Hitler's strangely-American accent (everybody apart from Chamberlain is apparently stuck in the Borscht Belt).
  Brad: ...Also, what accent is he using?
  Hitler: "Eva! Baby! Please! I'm D'Fuhrer! I'm a busy man, I can't jus' walk off th' job at five-o-clock!..."
  Brad: ...He sounds like the offspring of Ralph Kramden & a wienerschnitzel.
• Brad's references to Hitler & Braun's real-life fates...
  Eva: "....and don't think you can smooch around me like that, Adolf Hitler!"
  Brad: So...How much longer 'til they kill themselves?

  *later*

  Brad: Eva's got more important things to worry about...like the meatloaf...
  Eva: *to Ms. Goldenstein* "Do you think just about the most important person in Europe would like my meatloaf?" *realizes she 'spilled the beans' about Chamberlain's visit* "Me and my big mouth! Adolf will kill me!"
  Brad: ...Not if you kill yourself, first!
• If you're trying to get me to like Hitler...it's not working.
  • Brad's horrified looks during the review's entirety seal the deal.
• Hitler brings in Neville Chamberlain from the airport. They appear to be approaching Hitler's doorstep in goofy fashion (like goose-stepping lamely). Brad describes them as coming from the "Ministry of Silly Walks".
• Brad's reaction to Eva calling Adolf "Mr. Sausage".
• His (possible) Lampshade Hanging at being unable to review The Day the Clown Cried.
  Brad: And I don't like the idea of something existing, if I can't get a copy of it.

Poochinski

• "Hmm, just saying the name Poochinski screams...or barks cancellation."
• "You know, H.R. Pufnstuff's dick would be less terrifying than this dog."
• He plays the "Can't shoot a kid, can you, fucker?" bit from RoboCop 2 when it turns out Poochinski can, in fact, threaten a kid who pulls a knife on him with his gun. So Poochinski is a tougher cop than Robocop?!
• At the end, Brad makes this observation:
  Brad: Wow. A shame this was only a pilot. There are so many unanswered questions. (beat) No, seriously, there are.

Rock: It's Your Decision

• At the end of the review, Brad declares that the main character likely committed suicide ten years after the film. He gives a cheesy smile... and with perfect timing, Lloyd jumps on his couch.
• In regards to Jeff complaining about his mom invading his privacy:
  Brad: You think you can't find privacy now? Wait till you discover masturbation!
• "I like how the song he's listening to is literally just repeating the phrase 'devils and demons'. Usually you have to play the album in reverse to get those lyrics!"
• The youth pastor claims Jeff could use the same scripture against soap operas that his mother uses against rock:
  Brad: Again, very true. My love for Tears for Fears did stem from my mother's love of Patch and Kayla. Okay, I loved Patch and Kayla too. Days of Our Lives was awesome in the Eighties! That's when it had Nick the Pimp!
• When Jeff called The Captain and Tennille (of all things) a bad influence:
  Brad: Ah, The Captain and Tennille is a sin now too? Calling The Captain and Tennille a sin is a sin against the word sin!
• When Jeff comes home from a youth meeting and states that "Two kids got saved," Brad asks, "Was there an exorcism at this church service? Or a fire? He should really be more specific with that statement!"
• The way Brad manages to shut down all of Jeff's arguments against specific songs is both this and a Moment of Awesome. Especially when he starts applying the same logic towards his own record collection.
  Brad: (holds up the Miami Vice soundtrack) "You Belong to the City"? Like how Sodom and Gomorrah was a city?! (puts record down, shows an Andrea True Connection album) Pfft, "More, More, More", the words spoken by a porn star! (sets it down, shows Bryan Adams'...) Cuts Like a Knife? Sure, let's advocate mass murder! (sets it down, shows an ELO Greatest Hits Album) "Evil Woman"? Need I say more? Fucking Jezabel! (sets it down, shows Seven and the Ragged Tiger by Duran Duran) "The Reflex"? Thank you, a song about an erection!

How Can I Tell If I'm Really in Love?

• This:
  Professor: You can fall in love with a part of a person!
  Brad: [In a sinister tone] I love your scalp!

  • Even if you don't get the reference, it's still hilarious.
  • Shortly afterward...
    Professor: You can't have a conversation with an ass!
    Brad: Really? I have conversations with Jerrid all the time!
    Jerrid: Dude!
    • Especially ironic considering what we now know about the guy.
• Later, the professor claims that you don't fight as much when you're in a "mature relationship".
  Brad: Oh, yeah? [Calls off-screen] Hey, honey.
  Jillian: [off-camera] Fuck you, prick!
  Brad: [Grins]
• The segment about pregnancy.
  Brad: I get pregnant while eating?

Be Somebody Or Be Somebody's Fool

• Brad points out that a sketch ends just at the point he wanted to see - Mr. T, in short shorts and gold chains, sucking another man's toes in an elementary school classroom.
• He also wants to see more of the Mighty Midgets from Mr. T's Romeo and Juliet story, since it's better than lawn gnomes doing the story.
• "Thanks, Uwe Boll!" It's only a matter of time before that sound clip gets misused by someone else.
• "This is the best Tim & Eric episode ever, in that it's actually funny!"
• "This girl gets it, though. Maybe one day, I, too, can star in my own tampon commercial."
• "I intend to teach my kids that if you watch enough extraterrestrial porn, people will make fun of you on the Internet. And that's...terrible advice."
  • Brad's summary of the segment on overcoming shyness. "Lesson One: Be a bitch."
  • "I believe I can be as good at Mr. T at break dancing...if I don't give a shit."
  • From the segment on peer pressure: "Smoking and drinking makes you trip balls. How else do you explain Mr. T appearing out of nowhere to judge you?"

Bibleman

• His introduction to the video, wherein he defies X Meets Y. Also:
  Brad: It's weird that the things that should've involved massive amounts of cocaine...probably didn't involve any.
• His constant pointing out of the kid-unfriendly scenes in The Bible (incest, sword fighting, decapitation, etc.).
• "Don't get too mad at these kids, though. They had to fill in at the last minute for Norman Greenbaum."
• "It's not often I see a character bullshitting a critique of the thing that they're currently acting in."
• "I tried walking on water, it doesn't work, no matter how much weight I've lost.
• Kid sings about how he goes to the bible for politics
  • "Ugh, Thought that kid looked familar, nice to know what Rick Santorum was doing in his youth."
• In a flashback, Bibleman fights a cackling, goggles-wearing mad scientist named "Doctor Decepto", which Brad insists is really Doctor Insano. At the end of the video, cue the Doctor Insano cameo.
  • With Insano declaring that he sewed his butt shut to thwart any prison-rape (How this guy manages to poop is anyone's guess).
• Brad's delivery of this line.
  Brad: "Whattaya say, kids? Isn't Bibleman cooooool?"
  • Followed by a shot of a boy in the video, looking bored....
    BOY: "Yeah, I get the point...." (this is followed by Brad's Spoof Aesop about God smiting Dr. Insano)
• Later, his opinion of what would make Bibleman more exciting:
  Brad: "I wanna see Bibleman slaughter Pharaohs with nothing but a table-saw and pickaxe, damn it!"
  Followed by....
  Brad: "...PLUS...I wanna see Bibleman fight lions with a rock and a toothbrush!"
• After Billy calls the show "dog-gone interesting":
  Brad: Hey, hey! Language, little Billy... There's nothing interesting about this!
• When a kid suggests that God thinks their performance is "lame-o": "If God says words like 'lame-o', I'm becoming an atheist. Because apparently God is Corey Feldman."
  • Bibleman points out that the word "lame-o" doesn't show up in the Bible. "It does say 'ass' about 80 times, though. So son, stop being an ass."

Animalympics

• Any moment when Brad throws a Take That! towards NBC's coverage of London 2012:
  Brad: "What the hell? You're not going to show me anything else?! This coverage is so bad, I feel like telling Matt Laurer to shut the hell up again!"
• His reaction to the chaotic hockey strategy:
  Brad: "Maybe it's because I'm high, but that scene made sense to me."
• Lloyd's impeccable couch-jumping timing returns, and it's enough to earn him a "featuring" credit.
• Brad describes one of the olympians being rebuilt as a cyborg by Russian scientists to be the ultimate skiing machine:
  Brad: (Russian accent) Whatever he skis, he destroys!

Bugs Bunny's Thanksgiving Diet

• Brad saying how Bug's carrot diet helped Elmer Fudd & Porky Pig lose weight while invoking Art Evolution for both characters....
  BRAD: "....Just look at these Before & After photos!".
• Brad noting the background pun of charts of the Dow Jones and the Dow Freleng.
  Brad: They were also gonna show the Dow Bakshi, but they couldn't show that on television.
  • This receives a Call-Back at the end during The Stinger where Bugs is seduced by a sexy female rabbit, with Brad saying that they got the Dow Bakshi in after all.
    • Helped by the fact that Bug's ears do a Something Else Also Rises gag.
• Brad's comments on the special editing "Rabbit Every Monday" so that now, since it's 1979, there's a disco party going on in Yosemite Sam's oven.
  Brad: Obviously implying that Bugs is gonna do so much angel dust off of Sam's ass.
• Both times he mentions "tossing the salad", he gets the obligatory joke out of the way in an annoyed fashion.

Deception of a Generation, Part 1

• The content of the moral-guardian-paranoia-gone-mad video itself is hilarious enough as it is, but how the truly outrageous claims of the presenters manage to be debunked at each and every turn by Brad is immensely gratifying.
• "On this episode of DVD-R Hell, we're taking a look at a fundamentalist scare film from the mid-80s made by two guys with way too much free time on their hands at their grandmother's house. Of course, if I made this video several years ago, it would've been because I had way too much time on my hands at my grandmother's house. But the difference is that I'm not fucking stupid."
• Brad notices in the video that the clock in the background never moves. Whilst this was a lead for a funny joke, the real laughs come in when the presenters claim that it is beyond kids' capabilities to understand time -
  Brad: Well if they're watching this, it's not going to help them understand time since it doesn't move...
• Calling Phil Phillips a "living, breathing Richie Rich".
  • ...and Gary Greenwald "Ron Burgundy" & "Mr. Kotter". He's later compared to "a snitch from Miami Vice".
• All the cracks Brad makes at Phillips' expense for being interested for randomly walking into a toy store.
• The "GLORYFall" poster Greenwald had advertising his ministry leads to this gem:
  Brad: Don't tell Gary about Live and Let Die. I hear it contains the voodoo magic.
• Brad: "I'm starting to think Gary is full of shit."
• The various Looney Tunes clips Brad uses to demonstrate the occult being portrayed from when Greenwald and Phillips were kids.
  Brad: Oh, I'm so unfair!
• The fact the 'hosts' have a problem with kids playing with toys and using their imaginations.
• When Gary & Phil first bring up She-Ra, they also bring up The Golden Girls, assuming its another cartoon for kids.
  Brad: Golden Girls, what? Was that made to tie in with that other show for little boys, Matlock?

  • Thing is; Gary & Phil were likely actually referring to a short-lived toy line similar to She-Ra called Golden Girland the Guardians of the Gemstones.
• The hosts constantly cite satanic elements in cartoons, but Brad has to keep pointing out that most of their comments are focused towards the villains. This continues on into the second part.
• "I know plenty of Christians in my life and every one of them would find what I'm about to show you... fucking hilarious."

Deception of a Generation, Part 2

• Gary and Phil target more franchises from Transformers to even Care Bears, throwing accusations of "evil" elements that are probably even flimsier (and funnier) than before. Presumably because the content has become so ludicrous Brad's attitude towards the video is different from the previous part, being gleefully sarcastic rather than coldly condescending.
• Every time the segment makes a comment towards the audience reprimanding them for letting their children watch the cartoons, buy the toys, etc., Brad's responses revolve around reprimanding parents letting their children watch a video about two grown men ranting about how everything they love is evil.
• Brad's bafflement at a fairly muddled claim by Phil Phillips:
  Phil: Now, our children don't have to wind up in the backyards sacrificing chickens to a moon god to be affected by the occult within the toys and cartoon.
  Brad: Did you get that from a Dr Phil fortune cookie, what the hell?
• Brad's surprise when the hosts actually start talking about a real issue (young girls feeling pressured to starve themselves to look like Barbie dolls) and urging them to stop before they confuse their audience.
• In their tract on Star Wars the hosts claim Darth Vader was designed to resemble the Norse God Odin to convert children to paganism. Never mind the fact that Darth Vader is meant to be the villain of the franchise and his resemblance to Odin is very tenuous (Brad shows an image of Odin to compare, noting that Odin looks more like the Abrahamic God), but when the hosts try to show their own image of Odin to compare their projector "malfunctions" very conveniently.
  Brad: What? Oh, of course you can't show that picture. Because it would put a hole in your entire argument, and God forbid people see through your bullshit!
• The Star Wars tract gets even stranger when the hosts claim that Obi-Wan's name is a reference to "Obi-Witchcraft", and that Yoda's three-fingered hands are a satanic influence. Brad's reactions are appropriately perplexed.
• Also; They misname a Star Wars action figure, an alien species known as a Quarran as "Squidhead"
  Brad: "Actually, it's called a Quarran....but it is my favorite Star Wars race....next to "Furball" *photo of Chewbacca shown* and "Tin Foil" *photo of C3PO shown*."
• The hosts make a claim that any franchise involving humans transforming into animals promotes paganism and the occult. Brad responds with threats if they touch Manimal.
• This:
  Gary: If this is the direction that the occultic toys are taking, what are — where are we going? Where do you think it's going to?
  Brad: Furbys, obviously. You guys are gonna slit your wrists on that one.
• Brad cracking up at the hosts accusing E.T. of promoting homosexuality, with absolutely no evidence or backing up whatsoever.
  • The second anti-gay remark involving The Smurfs, however, induces an angry reprimand from Brad.
    • The fact that Gary & Phil think the Smurfs are gay zombies.
• Eventually the hosts target G.I. Joe, Transformers and other action-based cartoons for their violent content rather than being occultic. Brad notes that the tracts made by the hosts are starting to get jumbled, as Gary condemns their target for being "occultic" before correcting himself to "violent".
  Brad: "Nice save, jackass!"
• Throughout most of Deception of a Generation Brad comments that the Bible was highly violent as a counter to the hosts' claims about violence in cartoons. Eventually the hosts themselves bring it up and their defense for the violence in the Bible was that the violence happened through the course of many centuries, unlike violent acts in cartoons which happen over the course of hours. Brad's analysis of this questionable defense is brilliant.
• Eventually the hosts target, of all things, My Little Pony. The fact they are even considering My Little Pony is hilarious, but the real laugh is that the hosts don't even know what the franchise is actually called, instead simply calling it "My Pony".
  Brad: Ah yes, the classic My Pony series. As talked about by their legion of fans, the "brothernies".
• Brad's reaction to what Phil Phillips is currently up to. Brad proclaims that he now really does look like the type who loiters in toy stores not intending to buy anything.

Gary Coleman: For Safety's Sake

• In the opening, Brad talks about how the 1980s featured celebrities giving advice on life, including Mr. T advising on being somebody.
  Brad: I know I sure did - I went out and picked a fight with the biggest Italian boxer I could find!
  • Brad also mentions Corey Haim "falling in love with Corey Haim in Me, Myself and I".
  "The only way to keep Corey Feldman out of it was for Haim to mention only himself not once but three times in the title."
• When Gary asks the viewers to draw their map of a neighborhood, Brad draws "a bear grilling" instead. Later, Gary asks the viewers to write down details of a scene, and Brad draws "a cowboy fucking a pig".
• His entire reaction to the "rabid dog" scene, where he comes to the conclusion that Gary Coleman just wants to mess with random kids.
  Brad: Hahahaha, Gary just wants to give you rabies.
• This:
  Gary: The important thing for you to learn in any emergency is, stay calm, keep cool, and think!
  Brad: Just so you know, these are also the rules you want to follow for beating E.T. on the Atari.
• When Gary advises to draw a map of your neighborhood and shows a sample of such a hand-drawn map, Brad deadpans, "Is that really a map or a layout of the Ghostbusters game?"

Cavemen

• "Much like the commercials, the titular cavemen no longer live in caves, so really it's just a show about guys with long hair and beards. Which I guess is a fucking thing now!"
• After a joke about putting an empty waffle box back in the freezer: "I can totally sympathies. Sometimes I crave the cheeseburger Hot Pockets, but somebody puts the empty box back in the freezer, thus crushing my butter, cheese, and meat stuffed heart…" (looks off-camera) "…Dave!"
• "This guy looks like Hank Williams Jr. right after the accident."
• After making an Eegah! joke in the beginning of the video: "...this is already the stupidest episode I've ever written."
• On a scene where one of the cavemen is accidentally knocked into a fire pit, losing part of his shirt in the process, and starts screaming in pain as he waves a large flaming stick around:
  Brad: Ha ha, just like the time I fell into a box of clovers while a keg of Guinness dumped on my face and then for some reason I started chanting for the Celtics.
• "If television were easy, Geico could have done it."

Pagan Invasion: Halloween, Trick or Treat? Part 1

• "I don't know if I trust any relgious company whose logo is a jigsaw contraption with the production name of Cutting Edge." (image of a trumpet) "At least with this logo, we know where all the hot air's gonna be coming from."
• "Upon second glance, the CGI in M. Night Shyamalan's The Last Airbender is pretty awful."
• On the hosts being projected into a CGI castle: "These two are obviously in tune with what the kids are into. That's why they're recording from inside of a CD-i game."
• "Please stop paying attention to what my kids are wearing!"
• This Call-Back to the Deception of a Generation review:
  See-ances? I would make fun of that, but I'm surprised he didn't find a tremendous way to fuck up say "Ouija". Maybe he practices them both in "Ethernia".
• "No, no, no, no, you can't just throw in someone with a British accent. Now it's gonna take me longer than usual to pick up on her bullshit."
• Brad's costume concept "Sexy Terrence Malick". Cue photo of woman with Terrence Malick's head.
• "You know how I know you're full of shit? Because you just referred to Nightmare on Elm Street 5 as a well-crafted, elaborate horror production."
• The female host brings up how pumpkins are a big component of Halloween.
  Brad: And you know what nailed Jesus to The Cross? A PUMPKIN!...jus' sayin'...

Pagan Invasion: Halloween, Trick or Treat? Part 2

• "I'm curious: When these people watch stuff like The Exorcist or Brotherhood of Satan, do they think of them as documentaries?"
• "Yeah, the one costume that drives all the kids insane: the devil mask! It's right up there with Black Lone Ranger!"
• Man: But there has been such an acceleration of worship of Satan that we believe that these sorts of things are happening, and we have evidence that they are.
  Brad: We're not gonna show you any of it, though. You're just gonna have to envision it in your mind's eye.
  Woman (Witch being interviewed): Mentally, you know that they are there. You can see them in your mind's eye...
  Brad: See? This lady gets it.
• Brad's reaction to Hal Lindsey bringing up how he and his filming crew found "A diaper of a small baby" at a site allegedly used for Satanic rituals. This becomes a Brick Joke, later on...After one talking head talks about how the "evil satanist menace" is undercover and how they are "They're Doctors...They're Lawyers...They're Teachers..."
  Brad: So the lesson here, kids, is 'Don't go outside...like EVER...they'll kill your pets....and do strange things to your baby's diaper!'!
• Brad's closing lines:
  "So while you're at it, go out, dress up, go Trick-Or-Treating and get some free candy...but don't come to my house because I'll have the porch light shut out...which is the ancient tradition of "I Don't Have Any Candy To Give Out On Halloween"....which is then followed by the ancient kids tradition of "Throwing Eggs At My House"........*grumbles under breath* goddammit....

Howard Cantour.com

• As a meta-commentary on the plagiarism scandal surrounding this movie, Brad reviews it only using quotes plagiarized from other reviews.
  • To further drive the point home, he's wearing the Irate Gamer t-shirt.

The Day The Clown Cried

• The story of how it's a sequel to/reboot/episode of Demo Reel and how Brad including the return of Karl Kopenhagen from Jerry Lewis' house is just hysterical.
  • "E.T. Come home!"

Am I Normal? A Film About Male Puberty

• "Jimmy goes off to the library, which is one of those places that existed before the Internet. Nowadays, Jimmy can learn about sex ed from watching three 80-year-old men have a lemon party."

Doorways to Danger

• (about the opening narration) "Well, this sounds like it could be a cup of bullshit. But he's saying it in a British accent, so he may be onto something."

Hell's Bells, Part 1: The Dangers of Rock n' Roll

• When pointing out that the special's host is still active:
  Brad: ...and [Eric Holmberg] is still going strong and just as crazy today, where his blog includes the question "how low will our culture go?" about a cartoon series, on the same page that features a defense of Roy Moore and a positive review of Hillary's America. Apparently Big Mouth would have been better if it had hologram Klansmen and slave rape.
• "The first part of the film is on the dangers of rock and roll, and begins with a warning about containing explicit material of a sexual and occultic nature. Well, yeah. Have you seen this channel? If it didn't have any of those things, I probably would've just shut this thing off."
• "I think this movie may have gone to the Hi-Tops school of 'You're not cool, Dad.'"
• After a "comedy" sketch:
  Brad: Ugh. I feel like I'm watching Laugh-In. Without the "laugh" part.
• This part:
  Brad: But okay. In three hours, what is this documentary supposed to show me?
  Narrator: ...to the heart of rock and roll. You'll discover what it can do to an egg.
  Brad: Uh... what... I... (exhales) What.
• "We find out exactly what the Bible says about rock and roll: 'Thou shalt go up to the spirit in the sky. It's where you're gonna go when you die.'"
• On the teachings of Aristotle:
  Brad: The warnings about music trace all the way back to Plato and even Aristotle. Both known for being team Hagar.
  Eric: Plato's contemporary, Aristotle, noting that "music has the power to form character"...
  Brad: Clearly they are talking about the power... (holds up a Boots Randolph record) ...that "Yakety Sax" has on making anything hilarious.
• Eric: And it's worth noting that both the scriptures and church tradition suggest that music comes quite naturally to Satan. That very possibly, before his fall, he was in charge of music in Heaven.
  Brad: Duh. Everyone knows Satan was kicked out of heaven because he wouldn't stop playing "Gangnam Style" at the Heaven rave.
• Brad notes throughout the episode and series that the documentary is probably introducing an entire generation to a bunch of artists it's trying to condemn - including the likes of Siouxsie and the Banshees, Coven, XTC, and Depeche Mode, just to name a few - which they might not have been able to hear otherwise.

Hell's Bells, Part 2: The Root of Rock

• On how certain songs are said to quote the Satanic Bible:
  Eric: As a means of systematically and objectively examining rock music for signs of the Devil's influence...
  Brad!Eric: ...I had sex with a ram, sacrificed a goat, and ate a plate of sheep balls.
• "Eric even has his own copy of the Satanic Bible. Which, according to commenters, was written by me, apparently." (shows a picture of Anton LaVey)
• "I really hope this whole thing ends with Eric saying, 'You know, maybe this music just isn't made for me. I should probably just listen to the Newsboys instead.'"
• "Much like crucifixion, this documentary has some deep cuts."
• His confused reaction to Eric calling Madonna an ex-porn star.
  • Brad also notes that, despite Eric saying soft drink companies still sponsor Madonna in spite of her comments on religion, he's saying that while directly showing the music video that made Pepsi withdraw their sponsorship with her.

Hell's Bells, Part 3: The Fruit of Rock

• "Part 3 of the Hell's Bells anti-rock and roll documentary promises to tell us about the fruit of rock. I, uh... I dunno what that means, really. If it means we get to listen to a lot of Bananarama or the soundtrack to The Apple, then I am all for this. Though the beginning wants to get one thing perfectly clear..." (MTV bumper that has an animated Adam and Eve in it) "...MTV bumpers used to be awesome! And then God punished Adam and Eve by taking the music videos away."
• His obsession with the fact that Eric Holmberg looks different in the third part.
• (After a Jump Cut) "I didn't put any cuts in here. Suddenly he just teleported to a set at Troma studios."
• "Jim Morrison's on enough drugs that he probably thinks he's being interviewed by a six-foot-tall armadillo."
• "Who knew until this documentary that there's a lot of punk rock songs that sing about some dark stuff? I thought that if I went to a punk show, they'd all be singing 'God said to Noah, there's gonna be a floody-floody.'"
• "Drugs are apparently hated by God because they're a form of sorcery. Oh, people were getting messed up on all kinds of hallucinogens in The Bible. They could take something like nutmeg and cinnamon and turn it into a weeklong party. But what's really bad is when music and lyrics are written with the help of drug and alcohol binges. I got no room to talk. That's how I wrote most of my earlier movies."
• "Um, Quarterflash sang "Harden My Heart", not The Bangles. (beat) It was hard to deliver that without sounding exactly like The Cinema Snob."

Hell's Bells, Part 4: The Fruit of Rock, Continued

• "According to the Bible, rebellion is witchcraft. And witchcraft is buying novelty items at a Spencer Gifts."
• "I think Revelation was written with the same drugs that wrote a lot of the psychedelic rock you hate."
• This:
  Eric: The '80s have seen the emergence of a macabre brand of rock that combines elements of punk, new wave, and even classical music.
  Brad: Yeah, and it was awesome!
• His amusement that Eric seems to believe that Iron Maiden's mascot Eddie is a real person.
• After Eric gives a description of backmasking, Brad cuts to a clip of The Cinema Snob shrugging and saying "Sure."
• Eric Holmberg plays "Another One Bites the Dust" backwards, claiming that it says "Start to smoke marijuana." Brad's response: "I could say bullshit, but that's probably more accurate than anything that was in Bohemian Rhapsody."
• (on backmasking) "Sounds more like someone attempting to speak Klingon".
• "Well, I suppose he's doing a better job [at converting viewers] than Estus Pirkle." "Will you come?"
• The Stinger is just Brad playing part of "Stairway to Heaven" backwards.

Hell's Bells, Part 5: The Axe Falls

• "It begins by showing us clips of the 1986 horror movie Trick or Treat. Obviously because the makers of Hell's Bells are huge Cinema Snob fans." (displays title card for the Snob episode on that exact movie)
• When the documentary talks about "neutral" acts and how even they are still somehow evil:
  Eric: Take, for example, one of the reigning queens of pop music, Whitney Houston. Though probably one of the nicest individuals within the contemporary music scene...
  Brad!Eric: ...we're still gonna call her an evil instrument of Satan anyway.
• On one of Eric's contrived analogies:
  Eric: By way of an analogy, take strychnine, one of the most powerful poisons in the world.
  Brad: Woo, never mind the egg test. This is what's setting up to be the most unfortunate episode of Brad Tries....
  Eric: Left in a room with small children, it's unlikely that they would pay much attention to it.
  Brad: This documentary has a deadly poison in a room with children. But here's why you shouldn't listen to Whitney Houston because she's naughty.
• Later, after Eric pours the poison on some candy and shows footage of children eating candy:
  Eric: ...virtually every one of [the children] will eat the poison without hesitation.
  Brad: If you like Van Halen, then that means you want to murder a room full of kids. Because listening to rock music is just like going all Silver Shamrock on a test room full of children.
• Later on, Eric shows a patient on a deathbed:
  Eric: He's in critical condition, suffering from a sinful, wicked heart that has separated him from God.
  Brad: I don't think that's what the doctor wrote on that patient's charts.
• This:
  Eric: There's nothing wrong with singing about love.
  Brad!Eric: (over footage of "Jacob's Ladder" by Huey Lewis and the News) But only if the music and lyrics have been properly wed in a ceremony under the watchful eye of the Lord.
  Eric: There's nothing wrong with even singing about death and despair, as long as it is done within the framework of truth and God's redemptive purposes.
  Brad: In other words, you have shitty taste in music, and your music collection consists of nothing but Lee Greenwood.
• Eric invokes Totally Radical when talking about Satan:
  Eric: He's the horn-headed dude in the red pajamas.
  Brad: Don't say "dude". You're not cool. And I say that as a 37-year-old man with a backwards hat.
• He sets up a Brick Joke about how commenters think that Brad is actually Anton LaVey:
  Anton: Therefore, each man, each woman, is a god or goddess in Satanism.
  Brad: Yes, but I was mainly talking about the struggles of sitting through Nukie.

Colby the Christian Robot

• "Well, one thing is for sure: If I had a talking Christian computer, it would make doing research for the religious episodes of The Cinema Snob a lot easier."
• "It's that crossover of Short Circuit and VeggieTales that... someone wanted."
• Colby: You mean kids sometimes tell you who you should be friends with? Why would they care about something like that?
  Brad: Oof, if this is causing Colby confusion, thank God Twitter wasn't around back then. Colby would spend five minutes on there and then go jump into a tub of water.
• "Right now Wood Rocket is trying to figure out a way to incorporate this costume into a porno. At least then, the dialogue would be better."
• "I'm getting some serious Hi-Tops flashbacks from this. Which one of them is gonna OD on drugs?"
• Kid: I don't care if Bill Cosby's coming to town! There should be a law saying you've gotta live like the rest of us!
  Brad: Oh, I think you should definitely care if Bill Cosby's coming to town!

Psalty the Singing Songbook

• "Psalty, which I guess is either a nickname of Psalms, or he's just really mad about something online... he has a whole family of talking books, which means he can reproduce."
• "Oh man, there really is just a fine line between children's Christian mascot and Wood Rocket porno spoof!"
• "Did anyone else see those mouths too, or am I on as many drugs as the creators are?"
• (after seeing kids dressed as candles) "Their experiment is complete. They turned the kid into a fiery dick. Oh no, and it's contagious too! Worst STD I've ever seen."
• Psalty: Who's had a problem that God has helped them with?
  Brad: Well, one day I was like, "Am I running out of material for my channel?" And then, God certainly helped me with that.

Colby Meets Psalty

• "So far we've been introduced to Colby the Christian Robot and Psalty the Singing Songbook. So the natural conclusion is that these two powerhouses of nightmare Christian kids' TV mascots come together and bang hard."
• "These two go together like peanut butter and KY jelly. Like Oreos and milquetoast."
• "I wonder how they decided on which show the crossover would happen on? Maybe it was a contest to see who could better deepthroat the cucumber from VeggieTales."
• (zoom in on a kid in a lion suit)
  Brad: Oh, did I forget that Colby also runs the island of Dr. Moreau? Now he's playing God for the Lord.
  (cut to kids making jazz hands)
  Brad: If that doesn't warrant some jazz hands, then that makes sense because nothing of this really warrants jazz hands.
• Kid reading a letter: I've been a Christian all my life, but I want to know what to do when my brother and I argue and I get in a bad mood."
  Brad!Colby: My computer says you should punch him in the balls, children. And if you want more brilliant advice like that, write to us and perhaps you can be one of the letters that we don't set on fire.
• Colby: If you have a question about God or the Bible, we would really like to hear from you.
  Brad: No. You'll be getting questions about Hamburger Helper and that's it. Is every box of Hamburger Helper instantly made better by the addition of Fritos? You tell me, Colby the Christian Robot!
• "As giant of a computer that Colby is, you'd think he could print out at least one lesson on choreography." (cut to kids dancing awkwardly) "And thus the insult 'square' was returned to our vocabulary. Even the '50s think you're a drag! This is the world's first sock hop that ended with severe pneumonia just from the dance moves."
• Colby: Someone is calling me on my internal modem line!
  Brad: He's talking about his dick. Or at least I wish.
  Psalty: (over phone) Oh hi, Colby. It's me, Psalty. I'm afraid I have a great big problem.
  Brad: Classic Psalty prank call. You should probably hang up before he starts flipping his own pages really loud and fast.
• Psalty: I hope you can help, Colby. I'm so frustrated! I'm a songbook!
  Brad: No, you're a middle-aged man in a creepy book costume and blue-face. Think of all the Smurfs that you're offending!
• "Unlike the other two specials that I watched, in this one, it really does feel like the kids are having none of this."
• Psalty: (holding a giant cell phone) Hello, Psalty the Singing Songbook speaking.
  (phone squeals)
  Psalty: Ugh, see, this is what I told you. My phone thinks it's a fax machine!
  Brad: You know what's great about these specials? The timelessness.
• Colby: Let's finish checking your connections, because if things aren't properly hooked up, then they won't work right.
  Girl: I think we should pray.
  Brad: Or you could just turn it off and turn it back on again.
• "You know what won't help any of this? Dancing." (after the song) "Good job, kids. You killed disco again."
• Brad: Not only should you check your connection because you might be mentally imbalanced, but you should also... plug into things?"
  (kids do gestures that look like Nazi salutes)
  Brad: ...and swear allegiance to the Führer of the Third Reich, Adolf Hitler? Go back to the jazz hands. I don't want to know what's on that computer.
  Colby: Oh my, I think I found something!
  Brad!Colby: Nazi porn! Let's watch, children!
• Psalty: Did you know that God loves us so much that He even knows how many hairs you have on the top of your head?
  Kid: Wow.
  Brad: Wow. Impressive. (removes cap, revealing bald head) No one could ever guess that.

Punky Brewster and the Challenger Explosion

• "In The '80s we loved synthesizers, shoulder pads, and orphans."
• "Hell, the episode itself is called 'Accidents Happen', which is like finding out there's a Family Matters episode about 9/11 called 'Did I Do That?'"
• "It has so many sitcom tropes in a real-life disaster episode. This would be like if an episode of Full House went about business as usual to deal with the Oklahoma City bombing."
• "One kid [on career day] wants to be Rambo, because hell yes, we all watched Rambo movies in grade school! I had the toys."
• Kid: He was Rocky, too?
  Teacher: And III and IV!
  Kid: Rambo and Rocky? That guy can play anything!
  Brad: Oh, come on. No love for The Italian Stallion?
• Kid: I kept hoping they'd go to a commercial, and when they came back, the astronauts would be saved by Mr. T.
  Brad: Well, that would be a real shark-jumping moment for the news. Thanks, 1986!
• Brad getting a lot of mileage out of the Mood Whiplash: one scene goes from fairly serious discussions about the Challenger disaster straight into a shot of Henry in a dress meeting Buzz Aldrin.

Bubsy

• "Well, with there being a new Sonic the Hedgehog movie out, we gotta talk about something that is in some way, shape, or form kinda slightly related and... what? No, no, not Sonic the Vadgehog. That's coming up on the other show."
• "The first Bubsy game was Bubsy in Claws Encountered of the Furred Kind. Obviously an E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial reference."
• "And with side characters called Arnold Armadillo, Boswell Buzzard, and Sid the Shrew, I'm surprised Ku Klux Klam and and Disgruntled Goat don't show up."
• "The name of the episode was 'What Could Possibly Go Wrong?' (stifles a laugh) Makin' it easy for me today, aren't you? Not only does it take balls to call your pilot that, but to also repeat it about two dozen times throughout the episode."
• Bubsy: (while brushing his teeth with a belt sander) What could possibly go wrong?
  Brad: You could peel your face off.
• Brad: This just feels like the kind of show where the character will stand in front of his name and say "that's me".
  Bubsy (standing in front of his own name) That's me!
  Brad: Yeah, that Bubsy is hip and all, but can he be an awkward eleven-year-old?
• "Bubsy has no friends. They were wildly disappointed in Bubsy II."
• "Can we just skip to the part where he becomes the Riddler?"
• "Now here's our villain, Oblivia. Maybe their other choices were Apocalypta and Holly Caust. Naturally we need bumbling sidekicks, especially in a post-Bebop and Rocksteady world."
• Oblivia: I've clawed my way to the top to become the classiest kitten in this whole catatonic town!
  Brad: I can't get too upset at the cat puns, because they start running the "everyone gets Bubsy's name wrong" joke into the ground.
• "Bubsy seems excited at first, but little does he know he's gonna end up in Bubsy 3D. Ugh."
• "This show is going out of its way to show how disappointing the Virtual Boy was."
• "The show is so caught up in the plot, it just now remembered to have a fart joke."
• "Wow, was this gonna be the shtick in all the future episodes as well? Taking the title of the episode and running it so far into the ground that even the earth's core thinks these jokes suck?"
• Arnold: (mockingly) What could possibly go wrong?
  Brad: Thanks, Arnold Armadillo, for also wanting Bubsy to shove that catch phrase up his ass.
• "Sid 'The Vicious' Shrew? Kids love a good Sex Pistols reference. If they had done an episode two, I would have loved to have seen Johnny "The Rotten" Giraffe show up.

Yogi Bear vs. Dr. Bigot

• "Oh, it's Yogi's Gang. Hang on, let me phrase this like I would whenever repeats of this show would pop up. (clears throat, speaks in a monotone) Oh, it's Yogi's Gang."
• "The show turns Yogi Bear into a paranoid, doomsday-foreshadowing madman who encourages his friends to live with him in a giant ark that floats up in the sky. Yogi really was the Noah of his time, only if God wanted him to collect two of every picnic basket."
• "It was one of the many environmental and sociopolitical shows of the time, as the gang would fight very socially recognizable villains such as the Envy Brothers, Smokestack Smock, The Sheik of Selfishness, Hilarious P. Prankster... Stupid SJWs, always inserting politics into our '70s cartoons! That's so 2020... wait, what?"
• "The show debuted as an hour-long TV movie as part of the ABC Saturday Superstar Movie in 1972. Which I'm sure was a great programming block, considering the first episode of that was The Brady Kids on Mysterious Island. I hope that was like Lost, and they end up getting eaten by the Smokestack Smog."
• "Dr. Bigot. Subtle. But on the plus side, while he may be bigoted, he is smart enough to get a doctorate, apparently."
• "Hey, remember in Cuckoo's Nest when they all escaped and hung out on a boat? Well, just imagine that, only if it were a flying ark."
• (after the villain's henchmen, Haggling and Bickering, are shown) "I don't think it's bigoted to not like these two. Even Mister Rogers would be annoyed by them."
• "I think the character names should be even more on the nose. As in, just call him Mr. On-the-Nose."
• "You see, kids, this was back when being a bigot solely meant hatred toward a group or individual, usually based on race or sex. Nowadays it can mean something as little as making fun of movie or Twitter outrage. We've gotten really really lax on the term. And if you disagree with me, you're a Nazi."
• "Fools, don't you know you're supposed to just scream at him online? That'll turn him into a better person. Or just mess with his house a little."
• After Yogi gets hit with the villain's mind-bending rays, turning him bigoted:
  Yogi: (throws cake on the ground) I'm no friend of yours, fatso!
  Brad: (cracks up) Okay, no more shit-talking this show. Yogi's Gang just got awesome!
• "If this were any more '70s, it'd take place in space. Another Hanna-Barbera gimmick at the time. Oh wait, there was a Yogi space show. 1978's Yogi's Space Race! Well, if Yogi's gang taught me anything, it's if you don't like that show, you're a space racist. Ha ha ha, great, now I've got these writers writing for my show as well."

Return of the Ewok

• "It was probably going to be called Revenge of the Ewok, but they deemed that was too harsh for creatures who cook humans and make musical instruments out of severed heads. I always liked to believe that there were heads in those helmets."
• "The film was shot during breaks while filming Jedi, but it was never officially released. And you know that if George Lucas is involved with something that was never released, then it's... probably not the worst thing his name's been attached to."
• "That's the thing about doing something Star Wars-y on here is that it's so easy to come up with jokes about the prequels. Hell, within the first couple paragraphs, I've already written like, five or six."
• "And this is only 25 minutes? Hell, Peter Jackson could turn this plot into a nine-hour trilogy! You're safe, Lucas. I threw in a Peter Jackson joke."
• "Next, Warwick tries being a football star. And it's the '80s, so that means you gotta show it in a sports montage." ("Take the Long Way Home" by Supertramp plays) "Well, who am I to make a joke about using copyrighted music in their films?"
• (after someone walks into frame) "Is that a balloon or a tennis racket? Who the hell carries a tennis racket into the theater? I know that we've always wanted to use something to hit tomatoes at the screen, but really, hitting them with a tennis racket, I mean, that's just gonna create an even bigger mess."
• "I do know what it's like to be at a convention and have people come up to you and say, 'Huh, I thought you'd be taller.'"
• "And with his Wicket costume all set up, he finally gets to do what we've all dreamed of doing: bugging Harrison Ford in his hotel room at eight in the morning."
• His voiceovers for Harrison Ford: "Thought I heard knocking. Oh, you're shorter and hairier than the girl in the picture. I'm too drunk for this shit right now. Let's go pawn you off to the guy from Corvette Summer. Just get through these lines as fast as possible, Mark. then it'll be over quicker."
• "Better yet, now we can settle that lifelong bet on whether or not Carrie Fisher sleeps in the gold bikini."
• "And while everyone else may have been playing themselves, the droids and the Wookiees are real, damn it!"
• "Is it too late for David Lynch to direct this?"
• "Throughout this, it is jarring to see the weird transitions between obvious bootleg and regular-looking movie footage. It's like in one second it goes from a snuff film to a Joe D'Amato movie... that's probably about snuff films."
• The fact that the voices of the characters aren't dubbed over leads to a funny line from David Prowse.
  Darth Vader, as voiced by David Prowse: Come back, Ewok!
  Brad: Eh, he didn't scream out "NOOOOO!", so I'm surprisingly okay with this.
• "I'm completely buying into this that the droids are real. How else would you explain how they weren't aged in the prequels? If anything, they looked younger! And sometimes more computer-generated."
• "There's only one person who knows where Warwick, or Wicket, or Warwick as Wicket... anyway, there's only one person who knows where he can find other Ewoks. And that person is the set director. What? Oh, uh, it's make-believe? Oh, okay. It's Yoda."
• Wicket: Just imagine. I might be the only Ewok in the world.
  Brad: Well, there's a lot of fans out there who probably wish you were the only Ewok. Me, personally, though? I've got nothing against the Ewoks. As I've said a few other times, they were gonna cook and eat Han and Luke. I'm not fucking with them!
• "...though if it did have a release, it'd probably be just dismissed as a cheesy little featurette, nothing more, nothing less. Though it does finally give me the courage to release that footage of me in a Darth Vader mask, bugging everyone in their hotel room during To Boldly Flee, asking where the set of The Confederate Zombie Porno was." (Beat) "I'm kidding, that doesn't actually exist, that's stupid."

The One Where Chandler Dies in Growing Pains

• On Growing Pains: "From 1985 to 1992, America got to know the Seaver family, as we were introduced to in the opening credits. Showing that they are one family that is definitely going to embarrass you with baby pictures on national television."
• "But even though I was a far bigger fan of Family Ties and rarely watched Growing Pains, I guess I can relate to the opening:
  Ben, holding a video camera: Citizens, run for your lives. The monster lives! It's Geekzilla!
  (Carol breathes on the camera)
  Brad: That just looks like what happens when I wake Laura up every morning.
• "With that camera, I think this was sort of like what it was like making Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas. And this blur is like early Cinema Snob episodes."

• On Kirk Cameron's character Mike Seaver:
  Brad: There's certainly a lot of jokes that could be made at the expense of Kirk Cameron, but I choose to remember this new classic Cameron line from Fuller House:
  Kirk Cameron: (walks through a door) I'm Kirk Cameron!
  Brad: Which is how all of Mike Seaver's lines need to be followed up.
  • For the rest of the episode, he randomly splices in "I'm Kirk Cameron!" after many of Mike's lines.
• "Why aren't you more concerned with your son making porn of his sister?"
• "Sorry, we need to get in at least some shenanigans before we find out that your boyfriend is dying. Hell, let's even do some zany things while getting the bad news about Sandy!"
• "Doug is played by David Coburn. He heard there was a PSA going on, and as the voice of Captain Planet, he felt he should be there."
• "We're left with an image that shows the viewers how many people died or were injured in alcohol-related car accidents while the program was on. Did they personally go out and commit these crimes to give us this number? How did they know this information and — holy shit, the number just changed! Did the executive producer just throw a bottle at a driver and ram him into a tree?"
  • This later gets a Call-Back: "By the way, since you've been watching this episode, here's how many people have died of a broken neck due to the tonal whiplash of 80's Very Special Episodes." (number changes from 47 to 48) "That's because I killed them."

The Myth of Safe Sex

• "Aw man, safe sex is a myth? Must be why I now mysteriously have all of the STDs!"
• "If you don't know how exactly safe sex is just like the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot, luckily for you, there's the early '90s series of videos Life on the Edge starring Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family. Focus on the Family is the leading organization in proving to society that one of the only good organizations with the word 'family' in it is Family Video."
  • This joke became Harsher in Hindsight when Family Video went out of business less than a year later.
• Saying that Dr. James Dobson "looks like Dave Thomas made from discarded corncobs."
• "Plus, there's Emotions: Can You Trust Them? Yeah, sure, let's take advice on emotions from the guy who's often triggered by the Super Bowl."
• "Today, though, we're focusing on The Myth of Safe Sex. Or possibly B-Roll from Cannibal! The Musical, one of the two."
• "Just listen to the music!" (cut to silent footage) "Well, that settles it. If you wanna prevent sex from happening, just play that song."
• On a teen pregnancy panel:
  Dr. James Dobson: 15 of the 18 [at the panel] thought the answer to the problem of teen pregnancy and abortion and all those things [was] condoms.
  Brad: What fools. How dare they not have a strict "just chop off your dick" policy.
• "The hell is this fool talking about? He's dressed in a sweater that makes him look like a perfectly shaved nutsack."
• His jokes about Dr. Joe McIlhaney, the gynecologist whom Dobson calls in as a consultant; referring to him as "the Dr. T of touchy uncle sweaters" and "Ned Flanders dressing as Marv Albert for Halloween."
• "So much of this feels like it should be ended with 'citation needed'."
• "Whenever you see someone nodding in the audience, you can hear the word 'duh-huh-huh' going through their head."
• "When they talk about genital warts and HPV, the audience looks so ill-informed they probably think the bad guy from Mario 2 is growing on their balls."
• "I miss Estus Pirkle. If he hosted this, we would've seen our twelfth graphic castration by now."
• Brad calling out the letter that Dr. Dobson claims was written to him by a 25-year-old woman.
  Dobson: In one of your broadcasts, you covered the fact that [sex] can give cervical dysplasia, leading to cancer of the cervix in teenagers.
  Brad: Yes, most people with an STD like to take time out in their letters to promote other James Dobson broadcasts.
  (later)
  Dobson: Why is this not in the press?
  Brad!McIlhaney: Yes, James, you send me those letters all the time. And the media is starting to notice they all have the same handwriting.
• "I know McIlhaney's a doctor, but he talks more like Billy Bob Thornton playing a character who likes describing lampshades made of skin."
• "These guys would have a heart attack from a fart."
• McIlHaney: The fimbria, the delicate flowerlike opening that receives the egg, was all destroyed. There was none of it there. It looked like little weiner balloons sitting in there instead of the delicate little wormlike things that'd be a fallopian tube...
  Brad!McIlhaney: Yes, just take the nice little weiner and rub it against a dirty flower. Then take the donut and suckle on it a little. Get the glaze off of your lips. Mmm. It's what I'm paying you for.
• Brad mocking McIlhaney for accidentally saying "watch the newspaper" instead of "watch the news" or "read the newspaper".
• "He hates the sexual revolution like a guy who goes home with no phone numbers hates speed dating."
• "On the plus side, he's talking to an audience that probably isn't going to make it past masturbating into a sock."
• Brad corpsing at one of Dobson's lines.
  Dobson: My wife and I, Shirley, were virgins when we got married. I thank the Lord for that.
  Brad: (snort)
• "I'd like to see these two guys talk about sex toys the same way Gary and Phil talk about He-Man."

Pure Flix's Finding Love in Quarantine

• "But already looking at it, I can tell it's a better assembled project than the walking-sploitation movie Angry Asian Murder Hornets." (shows title card for The Cinema Snob episode on that movie) "Let's take a look at the first few episodes to see if I recommend pursuing it further. As if that's a mystery. It's starring David A. R. White; I'm gonna recommend pursuing it further."
• Rick: Do I even wanna know what kind of music you're listening to?
  Gracie: Probably not.
  Brad: I'm sure he knows Was (Not Was). He was walking the dinosaur years before you were born.
• "It's three weeks later and he's preparing his armored car to shoot some bikers in the apocalypse. Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself."
• "Rick is having trouble remembering what day it is. Which I can relate to. I had that problem even before the lockdown. todaysdate.com is a godsend."
• "I don't see how their life is any different here. Regardless of a quarantine, someone in a Pure Flix movie is still gonna be playing basketball and talking about chicks, bro."

---