Of Course I Smoke

Someone who doesn't smoke is, for whatever reason, trying to act like they do. They light the cigarette, take a big drag and...

COUGH COUGH COUGH GAGGHHHH!

This, of course, completely ruins the act. Most commonly done by teenagers trying to look cool, but sometimes done by adults in order to maintain The Masquerade. Compare Of Course I'm Not a Virgin.

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Examples:

Anime & Manga

• In the 11th Detective Conan film, Detective Conan Film 11: Jolly Roger in the Deep Azure, Detective Takagi tricks a suspect into giving him his fingerprint by asking him for a light and pocketing the matchbook the suspect hands him.
  Detective Sato: Takagi, when did you start smoking?
  Takagi: *HACKHACKCOUGHCOUGH*
• In Love Hina, Keitaro attempts to smoke at one point in the manga after failing his exams. He immediately begins coughing and spluttering.
• Happens in a flashback in Mobile Suit Gundam: The Origin when an underage Crowley Hamon is trying to look cool at the nightclub where Lady Astrea (Char and Sayla's future mother) works.
• In Monster, the 9-year-old Dieter tries to impress a bunch of men at a bar by entering smoking a cigarette, ordering a drink, slurping it up, and leaving the bar. Once outside, he rushes to an alley to cough and puke, wondering why adults do those things.

Comic Books

• Persepolis: Marjane steals a cigarette from her uncle's stash and smokes it in protest of her mother punishing her for skipping school. She admits that it tastes awful, but finishes it anyway and claims that it was her first step toward adulthood.

Eastern Animation

• In the Soviet cartoon series The Return of the Prodigal Parrot, the third short ends with the titular character trying to present himself as a tough guy who spent the summer doing farming work. The last thing he does is light a roll-up... cue coughing all over the ending titles.

Film — Live-Action

• Variation in Being There. Chance and Ben Rand are having an after-dinner discussion and the latter enjoys a cigar. Chance has a habitual tendency to imitate what he sees others do, so he tries to do the same, but finds he cannot light it — as he didn't see Ben slicing off the tip of his cigar beforehand. Ben doesn't notice his problem, but Dr. Allenby does, furthering his suspicions about who Chance really is.
• Desperately Seeking Susan: Roberta, suffering from amnesia and finding some cigarettes among "her" stuff, decides she must be a smoker and lights one up. Coughing ensues. (The tobacco company that had paid for the Product Placement asked for their money back.)
• In The Hunt for Red October, the first meeting between the Soviet officers and the Americans is tense and silent. Jack Ryan breaks the tension by asking for a cigarette from Chief Engineer Melekhin, even though Ryan had refused cigarettes over the course of the film. His cough amuses the Soviets and lightens the mood for them to begin talking.
  Melekhin: He's turning green!
• In The Legend of Zorro, Elana gets rid of Armand so she can talk to Alejandro by asking him to buy her a pipe. Much later, after she and Armand have had dinner, a servant brings "her" pipe. Initially, she says she needs her stomach to settle first, but when she needs an excuse to be out on the balcony, she's forced to light up.
  Armand: Are you all right?
  Elana: Fine.
  Armand: My God, you're turning green.
• A Million Ways to Die in the West: Albert attempts to smoke a roll-up cigarette with Anna. After coughing, he admits he has never smoked before.
• In Smokey and the Bandit, Sally Field's character, Frog, takes up smoking the Bandit's cigarettes, and is obviously a non-smoker.
  Bandit: "I think you should give it up." (referring to the cigarette on which she's choking)
  Frog: "But I enjoy it so much..."
• In The Spirit Of St Louis, Charles Lindbergh is offered a cigar while meeting with prominent businessmen about obtaining funding for his flight. Hilarity Ensues because he isn't sure how to light it.
• The Suicide Squad: After being arrested, Bloodsport bums a cigarette off one of his captors and leans forward for the man to light it because his hands are cuffed behind his back. While smoking, he gets into a conversation with the soldier. This is part of plan to stage an escape, and after the guards are neutralized, he spits out the cigarette with a disgusted look on his face and mutters "I don't smoke".
• In Thoroughly Modern Millie, Millie does this to act casually outside of a Chinese opium den. It didn't end well.

Literature

• In one of Isaac Asimov's Black Widowers stories, the guest specializes in job interviews, and he relates the story of a man who nervously lit up in the middle of an interview, suffered a coughing fit, and admitted that he really didn't smoke—he was just trying to look cool. Of course, the job went to the other candidate. However, the Black Widowers deduce that the man was an ex-smoker who staged the scene in order to force the interviewer to choose the other candidate; they were accomplices in a plot to embezzle money from the company. He faked the coughing fit, but forgot to conceal the fact that he could light a match with one hand.
• In The Hunt for Red October, Jack Ryan was an occasional smoker: Smoke for a while, quit for a while, but never more than two or three a day at his worst. He tries to break the tension of the initial meeting between Americans and Russians by bumming a smoke off the Russian engineer. He immediately begins coughing; fortunately, this provides the levity needed to break the ice. The Russian cigarette was described as "like smoking asphalt through a cardboard tube."^note This description suggests the engineer smokes Belomorkanal or a similar brand of unfiltered cigarette, which does indeed come with a cardboard tube the end user is supposed to shape into a holder
  • Done intentionally in The Film of the Book. Ryan takes a single drag, and there's a moment of silence before the engineer says, in Russian, "He's turning green!" and Ryan hacks and wheezes.
• The first time Pudge smokes in Looking for Alaska, he tries to act cool about it and then nearly coughs up a lung, though he ends up smoking pretty regularly.
• Anna does this once in My Sister's Keeper when she's in the car with Jesse.
• Happens with the female journalist Raffles hires to help run his sporting magazine in "The Raffles Bombshell" by Barry Perowne:
  "She made out that she smoked Sullivans, Like Raffles, but I knew this was just a gesture of emancipation, as cigarettes made her cough."
• Esme Squalor in A Series of Unfortunate Events is obsessed with what is "in", and in the 10th book, she smokes what she thinks are cigarettes (they're actually flares), and despite bluntly stating she hates the smell, the taste, and the fact that they're bad for you, she remains on the hunt for more to smoke which the Baudelaires use to bait her.
• In the first story in The Wonder Spot by Melissa Bank, the protagonist smokes for the first time at the age of 12, when a bullying classmate offers her a cigarette and she tries to play it cool. She is initially overcome with nausea and pretends she dropped an earring so she can put her head between her legs. However, she's a smoker for the rest of the book. (At work one day, while commiserating with a nerdy co-worker who's just been screwed out of her big break, the heroine offers her a cigarette "almost as a joke," but is pleasantly surprised to learn that the co-worker really does smoke and doesn't "just hold it and take non-inhaling puffs like my grandmother.")

Live-Action TV

• The old Batman (1966) TV show used this when Robin/Dick was trying to infiltrate a gang of "delinquents".
• Greg did this in The Brady Bunch. Ironically, Barry Williams (who played Greg) had just quit when they did the episode, which made him start up again.
• In Breaking Bad, Walter White bums a cigarette from Jesse Pinkman in an attempt at conviviality. It's obvious that Walter has never smoked a cigarette in his life.
• Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Vampire Harmony tries smoking because she is a villain after all. Moments later she starts coughing, ruining the whole thing (her inability to become a genuine menace is a Running Gag).
• Death in Paradise: In "The Stakes are High", D.I. Mooney and the team are reacting to the events leading up to the death of the Victim of the Week. Mooney, who is playing the role of the victim, lights up a cigar — as the victim had done — and immediately starts coughing.
• In Frasier, Niles ends up pretending that he came outside to smoke, too embarrassed to admit that he and his brother couldn't get tickets and are waiting for them in the cancellation line.
• In an episode of Friends, Rachel tries to take up smoking because her boss and other assistant make all their decisions in the smoker's lounge. She is not successful.
  • In the third episode Joey is rehearsing for a play where his character asks for a cigarette before being executed. He drops the lighter and coughs after a single puff. As Chandler used to smoke he decides to show Joey how to do it properly which leads to him falling Off the Wagon for the rest of the episode.
• A variation occurs in Full House; Stephanie is offered a cigarette by her peers, and she declines, saying she's trying to quit.
• Peggy (before she started smoking) and Pete have both done this on Mad Men. Peggy also chokes on a drink to a similar effect while trying to act like a flashy Manhattanite for a blind date. ("My friend Joan orders them for me. They're usually sweeter.")
• Rigsby in The Mentalist smokes a high-grade joint while undercover as a pot baron. Amazingly, his reaction doesn't blow his cover.
• The Office (US): Michael lights up a cigar when Pam gives birth, before being told to put it out by a doctor. Later, he lights up again and immediately starts coughing.
• Happens on Puberty Blues when the Alpha Bitch offers the two protagonists a cigarette as a thank you for not turning her in for cheating and, wanting to be in with the cool girls, they accept.
• Subverted on Roseanne, when the title character assumes that her daughter, Darlene, is just doing this to get a rise out of her.
  Roseanne: Oh, how very humorous you are, Darlene. I know you don't really smoke.
  Darlene: Oh, you're right, Mom. This is my first cigarette ever. (exhales) Hey, look, smoke rings.
• In one recent sketch on Saturday Night Live, one candidate for the Covid vaccine (Bowen Yang) tries to convince the panel he smokes^note Being a smoker was one way to get pushed up the waiting list for the vaccine.. The panel is not fooled for a second.
• On Seinfeld, George tried this to get out of the planned marriage with Susan. It doesn't work, either.
  • Another time, Kramer tries to get close to Jerry's accountant, who he thinks is a coke addict, by sitting at the bar smoking a cigarette and chugging a glass of beer. While he claims he chain smokes, it's very obvious he's not used to it.
• In the Small Wonder episode "Smoker's Delight", Jamie experimented with tobacco in hope of becoming more popular as a freshman in junior high school.
• Star Trek: The Next Generation: Captain Picard in the season one episode "The Big Goodbye", during his first time on the holodeck as Dixon Hill. He takes a drag on a cigarette very suavely, and then chokes and puts it down. He may have become more accustomed to smoking, though, because later on in the series he smokes as Hill again, with no trouble. Or maybe since it was on the holodeck, Picard just changed the settings to make it less realistic.
• When Donna was going through her rebellious phase on That '70s Show, she asked Eric to hold her cigarette while she looked through her purse for something. Unfortunately, they're still in the school parking lot, and a teacher comes over and sees Eric with it. Donna's quick to take responsibility, but Eric waves her off so she won't get in trouble. Though it's downplayed, in that he doesn't have a massive coughing fit. He does smoke (pot), and another episode showed that his mom and at least one of his friends do smoke cigarettes, so it's not a total shock to his system.
• Terri from The Thick of It has a cigarette with hapless Opposition MP Peter Mannion, in order to flirt with him. (He doesn't notice either the flirting or that she is rather obviously not a smoker.)
  • One quick scene from "The Rise of the Nutters" shows Malcolm Tucker, of all people, having a cough attack over a cigar. The waiter seems amused.
• Donna does this in the first season of Twin Peaks. Apparently, she's the only person in her high school who doesn't smoke.
• On The Wonder Years, in an episode where the Arnold family goes on a vacation at a lake house, Kevin tries to flirt with a girl who smokes that he just met by showing that he smokes, too, resulting in a coughing fit.
• You Can't Do That on Television: Touched on in the (first) "Smoking" episode. At the end of the show, Moose gives special thanks to Les Lye, a nonsmoker who, being the only adult on the show, had to do all the smoking required for the sketches. Les steps out of character as Ross the floor manager to directly address the camera. Looking slightly ill, he bluntly states "I can't believe that people actually pay to smoke cigarettes, and I will never do it again". Les Lye was in fact a former smoker who had quit several years earlier.

Manhua

• School Shock: Hao Xuan went through hard times, and tries calming down with a smoke - it ends as expected. He still pulls it through, though.

Newspaper Comics

• In Calvin and Hobbes, Calvin tries smoking a cigarette. At the end of the strip, Calvin comments that it was trusting parents that caused him to smoke and therefore damage his health. It should be noted that his mom knew this trope was coming and let Calvin smoke in order to teach him a lesson.

Visual Novels

• Katawa Shoujo plays with this in Rin's route. She asks for cigarettes as inspiration and winds up smoking in the studio with Hisao. She makes a note of never having smoked cigarettes before, but doesn't cough when she inhales "Never having smoked cigarettes" may be Exact Words... Hisao does though.

Webcomics

• In Dominic Deegan, the titular character does this to himself. He lights his pipe, inhales, and... discovers that when his white mage brother Gregory healed him earlier, he also cured his smoking habit.
• Syrus "the Virus" in Exterminatus Now did it on the cast page. Discussed on the next page:
  Harold: You mean it was a lame attempt to look like a badass.
  Syrus: Did it work?
  Harold: Nah, you just looked like a regular ass.

Web Original

• The Nostalgia Critic attempts a moment of suave smoking during a parody of The Twilight Zone, only to collapse in a coughing fit.
  • But subverted and justified in his review of Double Team, where he lights up a cigarillo in celebration of the film's climax. Cigarillos are classed as less harmful than cigarettes, as you don't inhale; you just keep the smoke in your mouth and breathe out.
  • Kickassia has a scene where as part of Bennett the Sage' as Surgeon General's new health campaign several of the reviewers try to smoke and immediately start coughing. Brad Jones' commentary points out that you can tell by the way he holds the cigarette that Paw Dugan is the only one who actually smokes in real life.

Western Animation

• In The Cleveland Show, Tim the bear becomes an evil boss so Cleveland has to smoke to get a break.
• The plot of the Family Guy episode "Secondhand Spoke" starts when Peter tries to pick up smoking to get breaks at work.
• On Futurama, Kif does this, causing incredible reactions from his alien body.
• The Raccoons: In "Join the Club!", when Bert catches Lisa smoking cigarettes with Donna, Lisa lies that she's been smoking for months. However, after Donna offers her a light, she immediately coughs up smoke.
• The Simpsons:
  • In "Homer vs. Patty and Selma", Patty and Selma are caught smoking at work and are about to be fired. Homer, initially gleeful about this, sees Marge's distress and gallantly claims that both of their cigarettes are his and smokes them, claiming between coughs and gags that he is "in flavor country." Surprisingly, their boss buys it.
  • In "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of Homer)", Marge (a nonsmoker) claims she "just felt like filling the house with the rich, satisfying smell of tobacco." She's trying to overwhelm the smell of the chili cook-off so Homer won't go to it. Later we get this exchange:
    Homer: Geez, why don't you have a cigarette or something?
    Marge: Mm, I suppose I could.
  • Also happens in "Brother's Little Helper" to Ned Flanders as he and Maude play hippies in a fire safety play. Though his cough from smoking is the least of his problems as he inadvertently sets his pants ablaze.
  • Parodied in "The Great Money Caper". After failing to con Flanders, Homer and Bart hide in the treehouse, where Grampa is waiting for them in a dark corner with a pipe.
    Grampa: Amateurs! [lights up]
    Homer: Dad?!
    Grampa: That's right!
    Bart: You don't smoke a pipe.
    Grampa: That's right! [coughs]
• An early example can be seen in the Rankin/Bass Tales of the Wizard of Oz animated series episode "Get Out the Vote", when the literally-brainless scarecrow Socrates tries smoking a cigar as part of his getting into politics. He figures "all politicians smoke cigars," and mentions he'd never smoked before, and then he takes a puff and immediately starts coughing and hacking, to the shock of the other Munchkin politicians.

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