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- Anyone Can Die: No one is safe. Plot Armor does not exist here.
- Batman Grabs a Gun: They all seem to own an arsenal of firearms and they're not afraid to use them if the situation calls for it... or whenever they feel like it.
- The Chew Toy: Mails, Eggnog, and 58 are total ragdolls to pretty much everything in the world.
- Sir Swearsalot: All of them to varying degrees. 58 swears the least while Mails and Eggnog are massive potty mouths.
- They Killed Kenny Again: They all die in various episodes.
The real main character of the show. The titular "sidekick" to Scamic, the Only Sane Man of the show, and would do literally anything other than going on wacky adventures.
- Absentee Actor: Aside from a single voiceline from a letter, Mails is completely absent in "A Scamic Christmas Chronicle'.
- Amusing Injuries: Is subjected to constant slapstick throughout the show.
- Ass Shove: In Ame, the episode ends right before Ame shoves a car-sized dildo up his butt.
- Being Good Sucks: One of the few definite good guys in the show — and is the most mistreated character in the show.
- Butt-Monkey: The biggest in the show. Bad things always happen to him. He spends every episode getting dragged along on dumb adventures, frequently suffers from Amusing Injuries, is a total No Respect Guy, and is the most likely character to die in any given episode.
- The Chew Toy: His abuse is entirely Played for Laughs.
- Chronic Hero Syndrome: He had no reason to help Eggnog in The Pass other than it being the right thing to do. Obviously this turns out to be a fatal mistake for him.
- Deadpan Snarker: Will not hesitate to dryly comment the situation he is in.
- The Drag-Along: Wants no part in most adventures but certain circumstances always forces him to go.
- The Dog Bites Back: Every now and then Mails strikes back against his enemies.
- Enemy Mine: Sometimes teams up with Eggnog. Usually under the face of an even stronger threat.
- Failure Hero: You can count the amount of times he won with a single hand.
- Good Is Not Nice: Absolutely a good guy but isn't afraid of speaking his mind.
- Grumpy Bear: You can count the amount of times he is genuinely happy with a single hand.
- Knight In Sour Armor: Always on the good side, even if it means being the resident Chew Toy.
- Medium Awareness: Some episodes imply that Mails is at least partially aware that hes in a show. If not, he is certainly starting to realize this if The End is anything to go by.
- No Respect Guy: Despite being the sole protector of the Jewels of Not Goodness, almost nobody treats him with respect and often walk all over him.
- Not So Above It All: Mails, despite being the most normal person in the whole show, still shows some signs of zaniness. Such as his odd infatuation with Space Chimps.
- Only Sane Man: Overall the most sanest (and levelheaded) character in the show. Mails frequently comments on the sheer insanity that happens in front of him.
- Put on a Bus: Starting with "A Scamic Christmas Chronicle", Mails is absent with every episode due to being on vacation. 58 is seemingly filling the void for him.
- Straight Man: Fills this role to Eggnog whenever circumstances lead them together... or with virtually any character he ends up with.
- Throw the Dog a Bone: In the rare moments where he gets a victory or at least survives an episode.
- Weirdness Magnet: Something weird happens to him in every episode.
Mails' Jerkass arch rival and would also like to be his best frenemy.
- Absentee Actor: Is absent in "Star Allies" and "Backrooms".
- Ascended Extra: By Season Two, Eggnog has cemented himself as the shows second main character.
- Asshole Victim: Deserves most of the suffering he gets.
- The Bad Guy Wins: Kills Mails and steals the Jewels of Not Goodness two times in a row in the show's first two episodes. He pretty much has a failure rate of 100% after that.
- Bad Boss: Does not treat his badniks (mainly 58) well.
- Big Bad: For the first three episodes then Ame makes her debut. Nowadays Eggnog is just a crazy guy that has an entire robot army at his disposable with a flying ship and constantly harasses Mails.
- Butt-Monkey: Arguably the second biggest one in the show.
- A Day in the Limelight:
- An Anime Love Story, where falls in love with a body pillow.
- "A Scamic Christmas Chronicle", where he buys an orphanage and goes through Yet Another Christmas Carol.
- Cloud Cuckoolander: One of the more questionably insane characters.
- Ditzy Genius: Is capable for creating a robot army and a floating ship, but is also a big enough of idiot to intentionally drink rat poison. He's as smart as he his dumb.
- Friendly Enemy: He tries to be this to Mails, but its obvious that the latter wants nothing to do with him.
- Jerkass: Oh, so much.
- Karmic Death: Almost all of his deaths qualify as this.
- A Lighter Shade of Black: He may be a total Jerkass, but he's nowhere as terrible as Ame — Something that Mails knows.
- The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: After the first few episodes, he never seems to get back to trying to steal the jewels. He mostly just wants to mess with Mails.
- Stupid Evil: Often the villain of episodes and has made some seriously dumb mistakes.
- Token Human: Of the main cast.
- Too Dumb to Live
- Troll: He can be quite an annoying person when he feels like it.
- Villainous Friendship: Subverted. Eggnog is always trying to be Mails' best friend as well as his rival. Mails constantly shuts him down but he still tries.
- Villain Protagonist: Can be seen as this when he is on the same side with Mails.
- Vitriolic Best Buds: He's trying to be this to Mails.
Moto Bug 58
Eggnog's badnik assistant. Is essentially the whipping boy to his master and the token Minion with an F in Evil.
- And I Must Scream: In episode five, he is immobilized and trapped in an empty field. No one bothers to help the poor bot.
- Ascended Extra: Used to act somewhat as a recurring Satellite Character to Eggnog. Nowadays he appears in almost every episode with his own distinct role.
- Beleaguered Assistant: Eggnog gives zero fucks about him. 58 likely only sticks with him because he created him.
- Butt-Monkey: Wanes between Mails and Eggnog in terms of the amount of suffering he endures. He is frequently abused by Eggnog, who treats him worse than dirt. In "Australia Fires", he registered him as a pet in the airport and doesn't care when he receives a phone call from 58 that the dogs in the cargo hold are tearing his face off during the flight. As if it wasn't enough, when they reach their destination, Eggnog still refuses to let him out of his kennel.
- A Day in the Limelight
- Furry Convention, where he infiltrates a furry convention.
- Virus, where he gets infected with a virus that makes him Ax-Crazy.
- Extreme Doormat: Will always follow orders. Even if he knows damn well that it's going to fail.
- The Friend Nobody Likes: No one really cares about him.
- Idiot Ball: In "Mountain" where he screws up the cliff climb and kills himself along with Mails and Eggnog.
- Mauve Shirt: Zig-zagged. On one hand, he is Mook. On the other hand, he is visually distinct mook with a fleshed out personality. Even then, due to the show's constant use of non canon deaths, he is still just as vulnerable as any other Red Shirt.
- Minion with an F in Evil: Sometimes acts as The Dragon to Eggnog but rarely (if ever) intentionally commits villainous acts.
- Nice Guy: Just the way Eggnog likes it.
- Odd Friendship: He forms one with Mails during "The End".
A psychotic Ambiguously Human girl who is violently clingy to Mails.
- Accidental Murder: She is indirectly responsible for killing Mails in "Surgery Circus" where she brings in her pet T-Rex.
- Ax-Crazy: Will not hesitate to kill anyone blocking her way.
- Bad Boss: During her brief time as an office boss, she routinely offed any worker who had no use to her rather than just firing them.
- The Bad Guy Wins: The character with the highest chance to succeed.
- In "Ame", where she manages to track down Mails, who was in hiding.
- In "Jewel Thief II", she single handedly destroys Eggnong's entire offensive.
- In "Escape the Couch", she glues Mails to his couch and kidnaps him to do "butt stuff".
- In The Pass, she initiates a Batman Gambit to get The N Word Pass.
- Big Bad: Can be considered this when she usurps Eggnog as the most threatening villain in the show.
- Big-Bad Ensemble: She, the Chicken McNugget, and the Bone Battalion form one in "The End".
- The Determinator: As said in her debut episode. She will do anything to win Mails's love. Anything.
- Eviler Than Thou: Shes much more smart, competent, and evil than virtually every villain in the show.
- Karma Houdini: She usually never gets punished for her murderous actions.
- Karma Houdini Warranty: Then again.. she's still a victim to several non-canon deaths. Albeit infrequently.
- One-Man Army: She was able to mow down Eggnog's entire offensive in "Jewel Thief II" without a scratch.
- Out of Focus: In Season Two. That is until the final two episodes...
- Perpetual Smiler: Mostly due to the Stylistic Suck. Ame is the only main character with a distinct emotive face, one that is happy.
- Person of Mass Destruction: It takes her less than a minute to accidentally burn down an entire building.
- Pint-Sized Powerhouse: No taller than Mails — but is at least a hundred times stronger than him.
- Yandere: To Mails. She will go through extreme and likely very horrifying lengths to be with him.
The title character... and a Living Prop.
- Hidden Agenda Villain: A couple episodes imply that he's doing something behind closed doors.
- Living Prop: Does nothing but stand still in most episodes.
- Off with His Head!: Sometimes gets beheaded.
- Put on a Bus: Supposedly. Scamic is apparently missing as of "Shad Dick". However he makes several small cameos unbeknownst to everyone else.
- Suddenly Voiced: Speaks for the first time during The Stinger in "The End".
A recurring human who sometimes gets involved with the main characters' antics.
- Closer to Earth: It varies. But she is usually one of the more grounded citizens.
- Depending on the Writer: Her personality shifts depending on the episode. In Phone Sex she acts as the Only Sane Man during the standoff while in many episodes she is portrayed as a ditz.
- The Everyman: Justified, as she is supposed to be a typical human.
- Nice Job Breaking It, Hero!: Accidentally murders 58, thinking he's a dog that needs to be put down in "Furry Convention".
- Out of Focus: In Season Two.
- Red Shirt Reporter: Works as a newscaster and has died many times.
Eggnog's robot army. Almost always useless.
- Mooks: They're mowed down constantly. Not by Mails, but either from whatever weird threat is fighting them, Eggnog's bad decisions, or even their own stupidity. Often all three of them combined.
The Dreaded household spider.
- Arc Villain: Of "Spider Situation", that's if you even consider him an actual threat.
- The Cameo: Can be seen in Mails's basement in "The End".
- Harmless Villain: Does absolutely nothing whatsoever. Everyone else just overreacts and assumes that it's not.
- Uncertain Doom: We don't know whether or not the spider survived the house explosion.
- Back for the Finale: In both season finales.
- Corrupt Cop: The recurring bald officer. He has killed at least 93 innocent people just because they were black.
- Karmic Death: The racist officer who purposefully kills innocent back children gets stabbed in the chest by Ame in The End.
- Police are Useless: They were entirely useless during the spider hostage situation at Mails's house. When Mails manages to save the day, they make things worse by exploding Mails's house.
- What the Hell, Hero?: One of the officers in "The End" calls out the racist cop.
- Arc Villain: Of "Star Allies".
- Even Evil Has Standards: Is apalled when Shad Dick prepares to rape a baby.
- Karma Houdini: In "Star Allies", he suffers no comeuppance for devouring Scamic, Mails, a Waddle Dee, and Marx.
- Karma Houdini Warranty: In "Jewel Thief II" he dies during the final battle against Ame.
- Stupid Evil: Spends his entire episode under the belief that Marx is a communist and forcibly drags Mails along on an adventure. Turns out that Marx isn't a communist and Kirby decides to devour them all to leave no witnesses.
- Nice Guy: A rare character who's both levelheaded and a genuinely nice person. Too bad he is victim of Kirby's rampage.
- Anthropomorphic Food: A life-sized sentient chicken nugget.
- Anti-Villain: He wants to kill Eggnog because he ate his only son.
- Arc Villain: Of "Fantastic Journey to McDonalds".
- Back for the Finale: Forms a Big-Bad Ensemble with Ame in "The End".
- Mad Scientist: Has a whole lineup of (possibly self-made) missiles hidden inside McDonalds, he rigged his restaurant to fly like a spaceship, and he has made an entire skeleton army using leftover bones from meat.
- Outliving One's Offspring: His son died before he did.
- Taking You with Me: He self-destructs his base in hopes of killing Eggnog.
The 97 Monster
- Arc Villain: Of "Nightmare in 97".
- The Cameo: We see him/her hiding in Mails's basement along with Spider in "The End".
- The Bad Guy Wins: He/She successfully murders Mails, Eggnog, and 58, in his debut episode.
- Chest Burster: Somehow gets inside Eggnog's body offscreen and bursts out of his head to ambush Mails.
- The Un-Reveal: His/Her reasons for hunting down Mails is left in the dark. Mails seems to know why but never elaborates.
Mr. Stick Figure
Dr. Nice Feet
The Bone Battalion
- Final Boss: Can be considered as Season Two's final threat.
The Ghosts of Christmas
- Kick the Son of a Bitch: All three of them proceed to beat the hell out of Eggnog when he doesn't listen to them and burns down the orphanage.