Wontkins: No, I don't like coffee.
(a hand holding a gun reaches into the frame and shoots Wontkins dead at point-blank range)
Wilkns: This has been a public service!
In 1957, Jim Henson created a series of commercials for Wilkins Coffee, featuring two early Muppet characters—a frog-like creature named Wilkins and a blob-looking creature named Wontkins. These commercials were made for local television stations, which only had ten seconds for station identification. As such, the Muppet commercials had to be lightning-fast — essentially, eight seconds for the commercial pitch and a two-second shot of the product. From 1957 to 1961, Henson made 179 commercials for Wilkins Coffee and other Wilkins products, including Community Coffee and Wilkins Tea.
These ads starred the cheerful Wilkins, who loved Wilkins Coffee, and the grumpy Wontkins, who hated it. As punishment for his refusing the coffee, Wilkins would often do serious harm to Wontkins in the ads — blowing him up, stabbing him with a knife, and smashing him with a club, among many other acts of Family-Unfriendly Violence.
Advertisements for Wilkins Coffee contain examples of:
- Abusive Advertising: Dire consequences are promised for those who hate coffee.
- Amusing Injuries: A recurring theme in the commercials.
- Be Careful What You Wish For: The theme of one commercial:Wilkins: Boy, I'd give a million bucks for a cup of Wilkins coffee.
(a cup of coffee appears in his lap)
Wontkins: (appearing beside him) Okay, buster, pay up!
- Cheaters Never Prosper: In one commercial when they are playing poker:Wontkins: I've got five aces! Can you beat that?
Wilkins: (puts a container of Wilkins Coffee on the table) I've got a can of Wilkins Coffee! (takes out a gun and shoots Wontkins at point-blank range) Nothing beats Wilkins!
- The Chew Toy: Wontkins almost never comes out ahead in these commercials.
- Comedic Sociopathy: Someone gets shot, stabbed and/or maimed. For laughs!
- The Complainer Is Always Wrong: More like, the complainer must die! In one ad, Wilkins erased Wontkins from existence before cryptically saying to the camera, "Without Wilkins coffee, you're nowhere!"
- Conveyor Belt o' Doom: Of the rotary saw blade kind in one commercial, which Wilkins places Wontkins on for not drinking Wilkins coffee in one ad.Wilkins: (as Wontkins moves toward the saw blade) He always was a cutup.
- Corrupt Corporate Executive: Mr. Wilkins, the company owner.
- Dangerously Close Shave: Implied in one commercial: Wontkins asks Wilkins, who is a barber, to give him a close shave. Wilkins asks Wontkins if he drinks Wilkins Coffee, and when Wontkins says no, Wilkins replies, "This is going to be the closest shave you've ever had!"
- The Dog Bites Back: One commercial sees Wilkins muse that he'd pay $1 million for a cup of Wilkins coffee. Cue the cup appearing in his lap, and Wontkins demanding payment.
- Disproportionate Retribution: One of the main themes of these ads. Poor Wontkins gets Squashed Flat, electrecuted, blown up, and forced to pay extra on his dinner bill just for disliking Wilkin Coffee.
- Elevator Floor Announcement:Wilkins: Tenth floor: Pots, pans, home furnishings, and Wilkins Coffee!Wontkins: Wilkins Coffee?Wilkins: Sure. You can't keep house without Wilkins.
- Family-Unfriendly Violence: Wilkins subjects Wontkins to this for not drinking the coffee.
- Fortune Teller: In one commercial, Wilkins dresses as a swami named Snikliw:Wilkins: (to Wontkins, looking into a Crystal Ball) I see you don't drink Wilkins Coffee.
Wontkins: What about my future?
Wilkins: I hate to tell you, but... (discreetly shoots Wontkins dead with a gun under the table) you don't have a future!
- The Fourth Wall Will Not Protect You:Wilkins: (pointing cannon at Wontkins) OK buddy, what do you think of Wilkins Coffee?Wontkins: I never tasted it.Wilkins: (fires cannon at Wontkins then aims the cannon towards the audience) Now what do you think of Wilkins?
Wilkins: With this camera, I shoot picture of people who don't drink Wilkins CoffeeWontkins: I'm ready. Shoot!(Wilkins shoots Wontkins with the gun hidden in the camera)Wilkins: (swiveling the camera towards the viewer) Anybody else?
- Another one fitting this features Wilkins with a "camera"
- Game Show Appearance: The setting of one commercial:Wontkins: (to Wilkins) You win a new car or a case of Wilkins Instant Coffee.
Wilkins: I'll take the Wilkins Coffee!
Wontkins: (to the audience) We'll never get rid of that car.
- Girl in the Tower: One commercial had Wontkins, dressed in a wig, playing a damsel a tower.Wontkins: Help, I've been imprisoned!Wilkins: Why, damsel?Wontkins: I don't drink Wilkins Instant Coffee!Wilkins: Well, that's the way the old ball bounces.
- Glorious Mother Russia: The setting of one commercial:Wilkins: (to Wontkins) Give me some party line coffee.
Wontkins: How about some Wilkins, comrade?
Wilkins: That's capitalist coffee, you traitor! (softly) Send two pounds through the back door.
- Grievous Bottley Harm:Wilkins: You want a can of Wilkins Coffee?Wontkins: No give me a bottle of ginger ale.Wilkins: Okay! (WHAM) But he would have liked the Wilkins.
- High-Voltage Death: Implied in one commercial, in which Wilkins has gotten Wontkins strapped to an electric chair and about to be executed:Wilkins: Any last requests, like for a cup of Wilkins coffee?
Wilkins: You don't drink Wilkins?
Wilkins: (flipping the switch to activate the chair) How shocking.
- Jerkass: Wilkins just loves his namesake's coffee — and woe to anyone who doesn't.
- Meaningful Name: The creature who loves Wilkins coffee is named Wilkins, while the red creature who hates Wilkins coffee and whom the other creature keeps torturing is named Wontkins.
- Money, Dear Boy: In-Universe, Wontkins immediately begins begging for people to buy Wilkins coffee in one commercial after being informed he and Wilkins won't be paid otherwise.
- Morton's Fork: On a few occasions, Wontkins claims to enjoy Wilkins Coffee, solely to avoid being punished. Wilkins sees through the deception and punishes him anyway—or punishes him for not liking Wilkins Coffee enough.(Wontkins appears next to Wilkins, who is brandishing a large club.)
Wontkins: (in a stilted, scripted manner) Wilkins makes good coffee.
(Wilkins smacks Wontkins with the club.)
Wontkins: Better coffee?
(Wilkins hits Wontkins again with the club.)
Wontkins: Wilkins makes the BEST coffee!!
Wilkins: (nodding in approval) Congratulations.
- Never Say "Die": Although it is very obvious in a lot of Wilkins commercials that death has occurred or has been threatened, it isn't outright said.
- Oh, Crap!: Wilkins puts a lit bomb on Wontkins' windowsill and asks him if he has Wilkins. Wontkins says he doesn't, and Wilkins pushes the bomb inside. Wontkins understandably panics.
- Pie in the Face: Happens at least twice, once with a regular pie and once with a strawberry shortcake, which is thrown in Wontkins' face by Wilkins for refusing Wilkins coffee to go with the dessert in question.
- Pun: A regular feature of the commercials. Example:Wilkins: (to Wontkins) I have Wilkins Coffee and another kind of coffee.
Wontkins: I want the cheap stuff.
(baby birds pop out of the can labeled "CHEAP COFFEE")
Baby birds: CHEEP! CHEEP! CHEEP!
Wilkins: Sorry, but that other coffee's for the birds!
- Reaching Between the Lines: In one commercial, Wilkins is on the phone to a grocery store to ask for some Wilkins Instant Coffee — which is immediately sprayed out of the phone's mouthpiece and into his mouth.Wilkins: How instant can you get?
- Real Life Writes the Plot: Ironically, it was actually quite easy for Jim Henson to come up with the many ridiculous ways to punish Wontkins, because like Wontkins, Henson himself never liked Wilkins coffee, either — or coffee at all, for that matter. Thus, these commercials became a playful way for Henson to think of what it would take for him to drink coffee, and the answer was: a lot.
- Reverse Psycho: Wilkins and Wontkins.
- Sadist Show: There is lethal harm done to one of the characters in almost every commercial.
- Serious Business: One can get the impression that this is how Wilkins feels about trying to sell his namesake's coffee (see also: Take That!). In spite of all the abuse he takes, even Wontkins gets in on the deal in one commercial:Wontkins: When is Mr. Wilkins going to pay us for all this foolishness?
Wilkins: When we sell more Wilkins Coffee.
Wontkins: (to the camera) Buy Wilkins, will ya?
- Space Whale Aesop: These commercials were approaching this with obvious irony long before irony in advertising even existed.
- Squashed Flat:Wontkins: I'm gonna drink this coffee, and it's not Wilkins!(Wilkins runs over Wontkins with a steamroller, flattening him)Wilkins: Doesn't that coffee taste kind of flat?
- Stuff Blowing Up: Lots and lots of stuff. Even Wontkins himself.Wilkins: (manning a detonator) You know, people who don't drink Wilkins coffee just blow up sometimes.
Wontkins: Aw, that's a lot of—
(Wilkins presses down on the detonator, causing Wontkins to somehow explode)
Wilkins: See what I mean?
- Take That!: Played with: up to now, commercials would just display the product and hope the people would buy it. Henson used these commercials to make fun of advertising itself in a mock-heavy-handed approach and essentially tell the people to buy the product being advertised — or else!
- Tempting Fate: Poor Wontkins does this a lot when he refuses to believe anything bad will happen to him.
- They Killed Kenny Again: Wontkins dies in nearly every commercial.
- What Were They Selling Again?: Funny how some commercials that feature characters threatening harm, bodily or otherwise, on someone who doesn't buy the advertised product can somehow overshadow the product itself and spawn merchandise of the characters doing the advertising.
- It's worth noting that this allowed the ads to be re-purposed for many, many products, most notably Kraml Milk. New versions of each commercial had to be made so that the puppets' voices and mouth movements matched, but the substance could remain the same.
- William Telling: Evidently, Wilkins missed his target in the relevant ad.Wilkins: We can still use the apple again!