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Funny / Wilkins Coffee

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Jim Henson's Wilkins Coffee commercials about the psychotic proto-Muppet Wilkins, whose love for the titular coffee (and sometimes Wilkins Tea or Instant Coffee) was so great that he would often torture his friend Wontkins for not liking it, had a long history of Crossing The Line Twice into sheer hilarity.

Several of these commercials can be viewed here.

  • "OK buddy, what do you think of Wilkins Coffee?" "I never tasted it." (BOOM!) "Now what do you think of Wilkins?"
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  • When Wilkins tells Wontkins that you sure get a lift with Wilkins Coffee, Wontkins disagrees, only to suddenly get pulled up out of the frame. Wilkins then comments "And not drinking Wilkins could be your downfall!" before Wontkins falls to the ground in a hilarious manner.
  • While out walking, Wilkins tells Wontkins that you'll never find anyone who doesn't drink Wilkins coffee. Wontkins says he'll look high and low … and as he says "low", he falls into a open manhole.
    Wilkins: How low can you get?
  • Wontkins learning the hard way that Cheaters Never Prosper.
    Wontkins: I've got five aces! Can you beat that?
    Wilkins: (puts a container of Wilkins Coffee on the table) I've got a can of Wilkins Coffee! (takes out a gun and shoots Wontkins at point-blank range) Nothing beats Wilkins!
  • "You want a can of Wilkins Coffee?" "Naw, give me a bottle of Ginger Ale!" "Okay!" (smashes bottle of ginger ale over Wontkins's head) "But he would've liked the Wilkins!"
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  • Wilkins and Wontkins fencing with blunts, with Wilkins demanding that Wontkins salute Wilkins Coffee. Wontkins, as usual, tells him he doesn't drink Wilkins Coffee. Wilkins then promptly unsheathes his blunt into a real sword and comments "Some learn, some don't!"
  • Wilkins as a waiter.
    Wilkins: Want some Wilkins Coffee to go with your strawberry shortcake?
    Wontkins: Can't say that I do.
    Wilkins: (smashes the shortcake into Wontkins's face and pours the coffee on him) You can't say that you DON'T, either!
  • Wilkins out William Telling:
    Wontkins: (with a apple on his head) Okay, William Tell, this had better be good!
    Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?
    Wontkins: No!
  • "Y'know, people who don't drink Wilkins Coffee just blow up sometimes!" "Aw, that's a lot of-" (Wilkins presses down on a detonator and blows up Wontkins) "See what I mean?"
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  • Wontkins on the saw-type Conveyor Belt o' Doom:
    Wilkins: If you don't start drinking Wilkins Coffee, I'll make you into two-by-fours!
    Wilkins: (while the saw blade is going off) He always was a cut-up!
  • The Washington Monument randomly falling on Wontkins when he refuses a cup of Wilkins.
  • Wilkins commenting that anyone who doesn't like Wilkins Coffee should be tarred and feathered. He gets a "Wrong!" from Wontkins, who HAS been tarred and feathered.
    Wilkins: He always was a bad sport!
  • Wilkins as a Fortune Teller named Snikliw:
    Wilkins: (to Wontkins, looking into a Crystal Ball) I see you don't drink Wilkins Coffee.
    Wontkins: What about my future?
    Wilkins: I hate to tell you, but... (discreetly shoots Wontkins dead with a gun under the table) you don't have a future!
  • Wontkins making a dark confession while stranded on a desert island.
    Wontkins: I wouldn't admit this if I wasn't alone, but... I really DO like Wilkins Coffee!
    Wilkins: (pops up from the back of the scene with a Wilkins Coffee sign) Did you call?
    Wontkins: Ugh!
  • Wilkins, alone in a forest, commenting that he'd give a million bucks for a cup of Wilkins Coffee. A cup of Wilkins Coffee suddenly appears in his hand, followed by Wontkins popping up and yelling "Okay buster, pay up!"
  • One of the few times Wilkins is on the receiving end of humiliation - when he orders Wilkins Instant Coffee by telephone.
    "Hello, grocery store? Send me some Wilkins Instant Coffee!" (coffee comes out of the machine and sprays Wilkins) "Man, how instant can you get?"
  • "Without Wilkins Coffee, you're not all there!" "Aw, that's a lot of-" (Wontkins suddenly disappears from existence)"In fact, without Wilkins Coffee you're nowhere!"
  • Wilkins and Wontkins in a balloon with a few crates of Wilkins Coffee. Wontkins notices that the balloon is beginning to sink, and suggests that they throw out the Wilkins Coffee. We then cut to Wilkins alone in the balloon, excitedly exclaiming "Just me and Wilkins Instant for 80 more days!"
  • "Ye Olde Boston Tea Party":
    Wontkins: Throw all the tea overboard, men!
    Wilkins: (in a posh British accent) I say, this dreadful thing would never had happened if we'd just gave them Wilkins tea!
  • "I love these Wilkins Coffee commercials, don' you?" "I'm tired of 'em!" (Stage suddenly gets torn apart to the sound of machine gun fire) "Just kidding, Mr. Wilkins!"

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