History Funny / WilkinsCoffee

--> '''Wilkins''': I hate to tell you, but... (discreetly shoots Wontkins dead with a gun under the table) [[BondOneLiner you don't have a future!]]

--> '''Wilkins:''' Sorry, but that other coffee's for the birds.

--> (Wilkins' stagecoach is attacked by fired arrows)

--> '''Wilkins:''' I can get ya Wilkins Coffee for a price.

--> '''Wilkins:''' If you don't start drinking Wilkins Coffee, I'll make you into two-by-fours!
--> '''Wontkins:''' I should've [[{{Pun}} saw]] this coming!

--> '''Wontkins:''' Not me! I'll... (Wilkins lets go of the rope and the blade slides down, narrowly missing Wontkins.)[[KnowWhenToFoldEm ...take mine with cream and sugar]].

--> '''Wontkins:''' What will [[CorruptCorporateExecutive Mr. Wilkins]] do if I don't?

* Wilkins as a beatnik.

--> '''Wilkins:''' Sorry, but that other coffee is for the birds.

* The Washington Monument randomly falling on Wontkins when he refuses a cup of Wilkins.

'''Wontkins:''' (gasps in shock)

--> '''Wilkins:''' (in a posh British accent) I say, this dreadful thing would never had happened if we'd sent them Wilkins tea!

--> '''Wilkins:''' Got 65 dollars for a cup of Wilkins Coffee?
--> '''Wontkins:''' 65 dollars?!

--> '''Wilkins:''' Put your head in here.
--> ''(Wontkins puts his head inside the bell and Wilkins proceeds to hit it with the mallet.)''
--> '''Wilkins:''' Wilkins Coffee rings the bell.

--> '''Wontkins:''' No, just coffee. (Cut to him behind bars.) Next time, I'll say Wilkins.

--> '''Wontkins:''' [[LampshadeHanging WHY would you want a whole trainloa-]]

--> '''Wilkins:''' He'll never forget ''this!''

--> '''Wilkins:''' Then push that button. (he pushes the button and a boxing glove springs out from the machine, hitting Wontkins in the face) How about a cup of Wilkins?

--> '''Wilkins:''' [[IncrediblyLamePun Oh, he'll probably put his foot down.]]

--> '''Wontkins:''' ''[[WavingSignsAround (Carrying a picket sign saying]]'' ''[[MartialPacifist "TV Anti-Violence League")]]'' [[PacifismBackfire Now I'm not]] ''[[PacifismBackfire gonna]]'' [[PacifismBackfire drink anymore Wilkins Instant Coffee!]]

--> ''(Wontkins stares at the camera in shock)''

'''Wilkins:''' ''(puts a container of Wilkins Coffee on the table)'' I've got a can of Wilkins Coffee! ''(takes out a gun and shoots Wontkins at point-blank range)'' [[BondOneLiner Nothing beats Wilkins!]]

--> ''([[GiantFootOfStomping Mr. Wilkins' foot comes down and stomps on Wontkins]])''

--> '''Wilkins:''' ''(throws Wontkins out from the suspended airplane)'' Next town's five miles, straight down!

--> ''(Wilkins turns on the machine, which hits Wontkins repeatedly with two mallets as the words "BAD GUY" flash on with a buzzing noise in the background)''

--> ''(Train pulls up in front of Wontkins and comes to a stop.)''

--> ''[[LiteralMinded (Literally]]'' ''[[{{Pun}} shoots Wontkins]]'' ''[[HiddenWeapons with the camera.)]]''
--> '''Wilkins:''' Anybody else? ''[[TheFourthWallWillNotProtectYou (Points camera at the screen.)]]''

--> ''[[CurtainCamouflage (Curtain drops]]'' ''saying "One Moment Please...";'' ''[[GoryDiscretionShot cannon fires]]'' ''and'' ''[[DramaticCurtainToss curtain rises]]'' ''to Wontkins gone.)''

--> '''Wilkins:''' Then push that button. ''(he pushes the button and a boxing glove springs out from the machine, hitting Wontkins in the face)'' How about a cup of Wilkins?

--> ''(Wilkins marks Wontkins with a branding iron he's wielding)''

--> ''(Wontkins faints)''

--> '''Wontkins:''' After much research, I found that the best coffee is-- ''(gets cut off by a curtain closing on him)''

--> ''(Two birds come out of the Cheap Coffee can)''
--> '''Birds:''' Cheep! Cheep! Cheep!

--> '''Wilkins:''' Give him the eggs, boys! ''(Wontkins gets pelted with eggs)'' A meal without Wilkins is a mess!

* Wilkins and Wontkins fencing with blunts, with Wilkins demanding that Wontkins salute Wilkins Coffee. Wontkins, [[TooDumbToLive as usual]], tells him he doesn't drink Wilkins Coffee. We then see Wilkins cleaning the blood off of his blade, commenting "[[BondOneLiner Some learn, and some don't!]]"
* Wilkins as a waiter.

--> '''Wontkins:''' No, just coffee. ''(Cut to him behind bars.)'' Next time, I'll say Wilkins.

* Wilkins making a fact on Wilkins Coffee.

--> '''Wontkins:''' [[LampshadeHanging WHY would you want a whole trainload?]]
--> ''(Train hits Wontkins and comes to a stop.)''

* Wontkins's research backfiring.

--> '''Wontkins:''' No, just coffee.
--> ''(Cut to next scene; Wontkins is behind bars.)''
--> '''Wontkins:''' Next time, I'll say Wilkins.

--> '''Wilkins:''' Then push that button.
--> ''(Wilkins pushes the button and a boxing glove springs out from the machine, hitting Wontkins in the face)''
--> '''Wilkins:''' How about a cup of Wilkins?

--> '''Wilkins:''' Want some Wilkins Coffee to go with your strawberry shortcake?

-->'''Wontkins:''' I've got five aces! Can you beat that?\\

[[Creator/JimHenson Jim Henson]]'s Advertising/WilkinsCoffee commercials about the psychotic proto-Muppet Wilkins, whose love for the titular coffee (and sometimes Wilkins Tea or Instant Coffee) was so great that he would often torture his friend Wontkins for not liking it, had a long history of [[CrossesTheLineTwice Crossing the Line Twice]] into [[SugarWiki/FunnyMoments sheer hilarity]].

* Wilkins having Wontkins a guillotine, while Wilkins is holding the blade up with a rope.

--> '''Wilkins:''' It's autumn, and the nots are beginning to fall.

--> '''Wilkins:''' You wont find anyone who doesn't drink Wilkins Instant Coffee!