Awesome: Epic Rap Battles of History
Every single line can be considered one, given the context, but people still have their favorites: Back to Epic Rap Battles of History
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John Lennon vs. Bill O'Reilly
- John Lennon's second verse:
- "Well, ya can't buy me love, But I'll kick your ass for free."
- Ending his second stanza in his rap battle against Bill O'Reilly by telling him to shut the fuck up.
- Bill O'Reilly has these:
- "I'd rather suck George Bush's dick than Yoko Ono's!"
- "Because I'm evil, heart blacker than Don Cheadle. Ten thousand dollar shoes I use to stomp out a Beatle"
Darth Vader vs Adolf Hitler Trilogy
The first rap battle
- Hearing Darth Vader call Hitler a bitch may be the greatest thing ever recorded to film.
- "SUCK MY ROBOT BALLS!!"
- "A little carbonite bath, for your goose-stepping ass/ We'll call my homeboy in Israel, see who got the last laugh"
- "You use the force to move objects, I AM A FORCE TRULY EVIL, I even went back in time and turned you vack in ze prequel!"
- "You stink, Vader, your style smells something sour/ You need to wash up, dawg. Here, step in my shower! I'LL TURN ALL YOUR FRIENDS AGAINST YOU! JUST MY SPEECHES BREED HATERS!"
- "I AM ADOLF HITLER! Commander of the Third Reich! Little-known fact: ALSO DOPE ON ZE MIC!"
- "You can't rhyme against the Dark Side of the Force, why even bother? So many dudes been with Your Mom, who even knows if I'm your father?"
- Doubly funny when you consider the theories that Hitler had at least a few Mommy Issues.
The second rap battle
- Just having the rematch itself is awesome.
- Vader (in the rematch) gets one right away: "Someone who loathes you, bitch! Now stand up and rhyme! I only thawed you out so I could beat your ass a second time!"
- The whole flipping-him-on-his-ass thing helped too.
- Vader removing his helmet for a brief moment.
- "Ask Indiana Jones who the fuck I am, I spit sick shit so focused, I break your concentration camp!"
- "I strike back hard against a Nazi! Brain toss your ass in the air...Yahtzee!"
- Hitler, despite having been just recently unfrozen, came back strong... Until being dropped into the Rancor Pit.
- "Where is ze DJ?"
- "You got one bitch pregnant, then gave into the hate! Now you're 6'6" and black but can't get a date!"
- "You couldn't get your own son into the family business. Everything you do is an epic fail! / Now stand at attention, and sieg fucking heil!"
- "You look stressed, Vader/You appear to be in pain/You need a vacation/Here, take a trip on my train."
- "What's wrong Ani? Can't take it any more? Not surprising coming from the Emperor's whore. Yeah, take zat."
- Stephen Hawking making another appearance, supposedly being The Dragon to Vader now.
The third rap battle
- In the promo for Season 3, Hitler takes out the Rancor that was going to eat him with a regular Luger pistol. Offscreen.
Hitler: Oh Sieg Hell No!
- Him doing the same to Boba to interrupt his verse in the actual battle is pretty awesome. Especially given his follow up line;
- Hitler pulls off an awesome flip just before starting his rap.
- Vader's entire verse.
You wrote a little book, got 'em fired up
- The music for the third rap ranks among the best in the series.
- Vader delivers one of the best flows in ERB history:
Had a Beer Hall Putsch, got 'em fired up
And when your little bunker got fired up
You put a gun in your mouth and fired up!
- Vader utterly shredding Hitler about him being a General Failure. This is the first thing that starts Hitler's Villainous Breakdown.
''You dumb motherfucker
Didn't Napoleon let you know?
When you conquer Russia
Better pack some fucking winter clothes!
- Hitler's opening line:
SCREW YOU! You big black cunt!
I'll kick your balls and your face!
A war on two fronts!
- And his brilliant: "I put ze Germ, in ze Germany, I'M SICK ON THIS MIC!"
- Vader finishes the battle by losing his patience and slicing Hitler in two
- Boba Fett. Even though he's only around for about eight seconds, those eight seconds are awesome.
''They call me Boba Fett!
You wanna mess with me?
I'll put my balls in your mouth,
Like boba tea!
I got a jetpack yo, you know I steal the show!
Cause when I rock the microphone-*Gunshot and Wilhelm Scream*
- By the time this battle came out, Disney had bought Lucasfilms. Ergo, Hitler had more material to use against Vader. And yet, Vader still beat Hitler to the point that he had resorted to spouting random insults.
Chuck Norris vs. Abraham Lincoln
- Chuck Norris' entire second verse.
I AM CHUCK FUCKING NORRIS!!!!
I'VE SPREAD MORE BLOOD AND GORE THAN FORTY SCORE
OF YOUR PUNY CIVIL WARS, BITCH!!!!!
I SPLIT THE UNION WITH A ROUNDHOUSE KICK!!!!
I WEAR A BLACK BELT ON THE BEARD THAT I GROW ON MY DICK!!!
I ATTACK SHARKS WHEN I SMELL THEM BLEED!!!
I DON'T GO SWIMMING! WATER JUST WANTS TO BE AROUND ME!!!
MY FISTS MAKE THE SPEED OF LIGHT WISH THAT IT WAS FASTER!!!
YOU MAY HAVE FREED THE SLAVES, BUT CHUCK IS EVERYONE'S MASTER!!!
- Even Lincoln can't help but just stare in shock at this.
- I've read up on your facts; you cure cancer with your tears? Well tell me, Chuck, how come you never sat down and cried on your career? You're a washed-up has-been, on TV selling Total Gyms, and you're gonna lose this battle, like you lost Return of the Dragon!
- I never told a lie and I won't start now; you're a horse with a limp, I'll put you DOWN!
- I got my face on the side of a mountain: You voted for John McCain!
- The fact that Lincoln, knowing what godlike entity he was facing, showed no fear, and tore Chuck's cred to shreds in minutes, makes fun of everything he represents, and counters Chuck's first verse by simply yelling the whole thing at the top of his lungs and repeating verse #1.
- You block bullets with your beard? I catch 'em with my SKULL!
Sarah Palin vs. Lady Gaga
- "Your music doesn't scare me, I'm a mother of five! I killed moose with my bare hands before you were alive!"
- "Oh boy. Look what we have here? A transvestite with a keyboard trying to be freak of the year."
- Gaga to Palin: "You are the sum of everything I despise, with the most dysfunctional family since the Jackson fucking Five!"
- "Just trust me, your 15 minutes of fame came and went. Go back to your igloo; spend some time with your kids before they're pregnant."
Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage vs. Kim Jong-il
- Macho Man taking over for Hulk Hogan after Kim Jong-Il injures him with a missile launcher.
- The very fact that the rocket doesn't turn Hulk Hogan into giblets could be seen as a CMOA.
Ludwig van Beethoven vs. Justin Bieber
- Beethoven's first stanza, but especially his first line. Acompanied by a shout out to his infamous fifth symphony to boot.
- What makes this really impressive is that Beethoven was commonly reported to be a hothead. Certainly shows here.
- "You want to be a little white Usher? Here, show 'em to their seats!"
- "You wanna trade blows? You can't even hit puberty!"
- "Sit down son, and let me give you a music lesson/ask Bach, I've got more cock than Smith & Wesson!"
- Even Justin Bieber gets "Here's some aspirin; you're catchin' Bieber Fever tonight!"
- Another one from Bieber to Beethoven "When's the last time your music got anybody laid?"
- Another damn good slam is "Your own music made you deaf!"
- To which Beethoven retorts "I'm glad I'm deaf so I can't hear that piece of shit "My World"!"
- Also, "Now that you're right next to me, I can understand why they used a dog to play you in the movies!"
- "I'm commitin' verbal murder in the major third degree! My name is Beethoven, mother-fucker, maybe you've heard of me?"
- Even better, the Behind the Scenes reveals that when Beethoven makes Bieber be an usher, the piece of paper Beethoven hands him literally says "My name is Beethoven, motherfucker."
- I've crafted masterpieces that will last throughout the ages! Your music gets you bitches on your Face Book pages!"
- What makes this really impressive is that Beethoven was commonly reported to be a hothead. Certainly shows here.
- Hate him or not, you have to admit it was a real Curb Stomp Cushion moment on Bieber's part when he threatened Beethoven that he'd catch his Bieber fever, and then Beethoven showed signs of actual illness.
Stephen Hawking vs. Albert Einstein
- "There are 10 million million million million million million million million particles in the Universe that we can observe... Yo Momma took the ugly ones and put them into one nerd."
- Really, the entirety of episode 7. The two characters weren't horribly mismatched in terms of rhythm and lyrical skill, unlike some other match-ups. Both characters deliver very intelligent lines, and the auto-tune job on Hawking's voice was a nice touch.
- "When I apply my battle-theory, minds are relatively blown. So take a seat, Steve... oop.. I see you brought your own"
- "I'll school you anywhere: MIT to Oxford! All your fans will be like 'Um, that was Hawk-ward...' I'm as dope as two rappers, you better be scared, 'cause that means Albert E equals MC SQUARED!"
- "Yooooooooooou've... got no idea what you're messin' with here, boy. I got 12 inch rims on my chair: that's how I roll, ya'll! You look like someone glued a moustache on a troll doll!"
- I'm the Snoop Dogg of Science!
- "I'll be stretchin' out the rhyme, like gravity stretches time, when you try to put your little p-brane against this kind of mind!"
- "You can't destroy matter or me, for serious! Rippin' holes in you bigger than the hole in your black hole theory waaaaaaaas!"
Genghis Khan vs. The Easter Bunny
- Genghis Khan's laugh.
- "You've got two giant ears but can't hear that you suck" was an awesome line too.
- For being such a laughable opponent, the Easter Bunny sure has some insanely awesome insults.
- "The Great Waaaaaall couldn't keep you outta China! Watch me rub my foot for luck and stick it right up your vagina!!"
- "Ooooooooooooh! Whatcha gonna do? You got a bucket on your head and a Fu Manchu!"
- "From Poland to Korea I ravaged the land, now my DNA's in dudes from New York to Japan".
- "Easter my ass, you're not in the Bible/You're a fluffy bitch mascot for Hallmark in denial!"
- Khan pulls out a Bible for the sake of proving his point.
- The Behind the Scenes reveals that Epic Lloyd manages to draw his sword and cut the easter egg in half, in just one take.
Napoleon Bonaparte vs. Napoleon Dynamite
Benjamin Franklin vs. Billy Mays and Vince Offer
- "I'm big Ben Franklin and this shan't be pretty. Let me instruct you how we battle in the city of Philly."
- "You couldn't sell Rick James a bag of crack; you're out of practice. My victory's more certain than death or taxes."
- "I'm mint. I'm money! I'm an educated gentleman."
- Billy Mays got this:
"I'M LORD OF THE PITCH! And leader in home sales. You're just a lumpy pumpkin who invented the mail! Benny's got kite 'n key, but you're in for a shock when I strike you with bolts from my LIGHTNING ROD COCK!
- Said "lightning rod cock" being a rooster-shaped lightning rod shooting fucking lightning.
- "Hi, Billy Mays here with a special TV offer: watch me crush this bald fat foppish founding father!" While he says this, Billy has his typical smile and breaks a table in two with one hand.
- When Billy Mays dies from a heart attack, the Announcer calls out "Is there anyone who can finish this fight... Anyone..." On a background that could be in an epic, Vince Offer unsheathes a Shamwow cloth like a sword and declares "I can!"
- Speaking of Vince, he got "Your boy George chopped down trees, you couldn't chop a piece of balsa! Slap chop your face, make a double chin salsa!"
- "Vince against a Founding Father is just too bad, 'cause after this America is gonna lose a dad."
- Which is said as Vince takes off his belt.
Gandalf the White/Grey vs. Albus Dumbledore
- Just when it looks like Gandalf had the definite upper hand with lines like "your ass is like Gringotts, everyone makes a deposit, we all know you've more than a boggart in your closet", Dumbledore comes back with this:
The prophecy forgot to mention this dayWhen I knocked your ass back to Gandalf the Grey!Check your status, they call me headmaster, you're nothing!Nice staff, you Compensating for Something?
- And after Gandalf throws homophobic lyrics his way, Dumbledore spits back "I prefer the company of wizards and I'm PROUD of it!"
- Mind you, this is complete with Dumbledore literally knocking Gandalf back from White to Grey. To give you an idea of what this means: the Supreme God and Creator of Gandalf's universe gave him the power-up to Gandalf the White so that Gandalf could accomplish his mission, and Dumbledore undid it with a swing of his wand.
I'LL TIE A NEW KNOT IN YOUR BEARDWITH YOUR WRINKLY BALLS,FOR I AM THE ONE RAPPERTO RULE THEM ALL!
- Gandalf then comes back with:
- Just Gandalf starting off with "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" is pure awesome.
- "You think your little hairy-toed friends are gonna harm me? Wait'll you get a taste of DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY."
- "I rap fast like Shadowfax! Tom Riddle me this, you bitch: how's your little wand gonna beat my staff?... You fool, you got Snaped! You're not a real fighter! Death makes you die, it just makes my brights brighter!
Dr. Seuss vs. William Shakespeare
- Shakespeare's first verse is (mostly) delivered in iambic pentameter, making for an awesome moment for the writers who managed to deliver an entire verse of smack talk in the same way the Real Life Shakespeare did in his plays.
- William Shakespeare's rapid-fire rhyming. It's so awe-inspiring that his opponents Dr Seuss and The Cat in the Hat spend a moment in shocked silence.
My rhymes are classic, your crap is draftedBy a kindergartener high on acid
- This extends to anyone who manages to perform the part live. Shakespeare's second verse is widely considered to be the most difficult in all of the Epic Rap Battles of History.
- Even his slow rhymes do some damage despite the choppy delivery:
I'll put a slug between your shoulder-blades,Then ask what light through yonder poser breaks!
- And just for measure, Shakespeare's Sophisticated as Hell in his first verse:
- The Cat in the Hat does some good lines too, such as:
I would not, could not, on a boat, read any of the boring-ass plays you wrote!
I got a best-selling book about me coming back!
- And of course, his ending line, asserting that his mere arrival makes anything an instant hit.
Mr. Rogers vs. Mister T
- Mr. Rogers telling Mr. T to get in his van and to get the fuck out of his neighborhood.
- Mr. Rogers also spends Mr. T's first verse casually changing his shoes, paying little-to-no attention, then proceeds to call Mr. T too dumb to spell RIGHT UP TO HIS FACE.
- Mr. Rogers' portrayal in general is an absolutely perfect Alternative Character Interpretation.
- Mr T, meanwhile, gets "So before you come to battle with your PBS crap, how 'bout I call up CPS about them kids on your lap, fool?!"
- At one point in the battle, Mr Rogers drops to his hands and starts breakdancing.
Captain Kirk vs Christopher Columbus
- "I'll stick a flag up your ass and CLAIM YOU FOR SPAIN!"
- "You know... Rapping against you, it's not even fun. It's like someone set your BRAIN on stun." Also, trying to leave after his first line.
- "Why don't you boldly go to some place you've never gone before, like India? Or any destination you actually set sail for?"
- "I'll double-fist-punch you, you slave-making bitch! Now take your genocidal ass off of my bridge."
- "You spaghetti-eating FUCK!"
- "I'll be chilling in my spaceship - have fun canoeing."
- "I've got a neck chop for Spock, I'll put a sword through Sulu!" He does just that while he's saying it.
Nice Peter vs. EpicLloyd
- The fact that a rap battle is how the duo solves their Creative Differences.
- KassemG single-handedly saving the series with a pep talk to both of the contestants.
- A pep talk, and repeatedly slapping Peter.
- "You're taller than I am, but you look up to me. The guy who got you your first job in comedy!"
- "Look at you! Or let me just tell you what I see/ You're a short little sidekick. I'll call you mini-me!"
- "You? A musician? Eh, that's kinda stretching. You wrote 87 songs with the same chord progression!"
Master Chief vs. King Leonidas
- "300 asses need a kicking, give more teabags than Lipton, so why don't you quit your bitching, my trigger finger's itching."
- Master Chief gets kicked into the Hole, like so many Persians before him. Not a problem, he just levitates out of it.
- Leonidas: "I don't need firepower when I'm rocking these guns!"
- "SPARTANS! LET'S START THIS! SHOW THIS PETTY OFFICER WHO'S THE HARDEST!"
- "I'd look you in the eyes, but you're too much of a BITCH TO SHOW YOUR FACE!"
- "Your armor's hard, but my abs are harder! You're in my hood now, Chief: This! Is! SPARTA!!"
- And when he says his abs are harder, he proves it by breaking a vase over his abs.
- Leonidas ends his first verse with an appropriately scenery chewing "THIS! IS! SPARTA!" the music cuts out, and it goes completely silent. And then Master Chief comes back completely unfazed!
- "Cortana says you're Greek, so why don't you stick these lyrics up your ass?"
- "They shoulda thrown your rhymes over the cliff because they're sickly. You may not enjoy this, but it will be over quickly."
- "While you and your companions were all camping in a canyon, took a campaign to your house and showed your queen my plasma cannon!"
- Made better by said queen's casual shrug pretty much confirming it.
- "You got a bad case of no shirt there Fabio Flintstone, your whole plan got messed up by a hunchback with Down Syndrome!"
The Mario Brothers vs. The Wright Brothers
- This one:
Wilbur: We'll be pressing all your buttons like we're the controller,Orville: Conquer every level of your 2D scroller,Wilbur: You talk a lot of trash, but let me tell you somethin'...Orville: We're gonna beat you so fast,Both: It's like we're holding down the B Button!
Orville: You shoulda-woulda-coulda come to lose an extra life!Wilbur: So just dudda-dudda-dudda...Both: Back down in your pipe!
- "You think we're scared of two idiots addicted to shrooms?!"
- For the Mario Bros:
Mario: We're serving up an 8-bit fist!Luigi: MADE TO ORDER!Mario: That'll knock ya off the back of your own stupid quarters!Both: Like POOOOOOW!!Luigi: HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?Luigi: We've been dropping bob-ombs since we started this song!Mario: Sorry, Wright Brothers,Both: This time you chose wrong!'
- "Itsa-me, Mario..." "AND LUIGI, MOTHA***A!"
- Growing from the mushrooms in the middle of their second verse.
- Some particularly good lines:
Michael Jackson vs. Elvis Presley
- MJ got "I'm the King of Pop, you're the King of Jelly Rolls!" in his first verse, and "Whoopin' your big fat ass with my shiny glove!" in his second verse.
- "There's only one crown, baby, let the one King rule!"
- The Crowning Music of Awesome of MJ's second verse.
- Elvis' Screw This, I'm Outta Here! at the end.
- From his first verse: "I stole from black culture; why are you offended?"
- "Your daddy beat gold records outta you like alchemy! Don't make me spank you and dangle your ass over a balcony, Uh-huh!"
- Heck, his opening line: "I may have died on the shitter/but I don't give a crap!"
Cleopatra vs Marilyn Monroe
- Cleopatra makes fun of Marilyn's miscarriages, and she... does not react kindly.
Marilyn Monroe: TRANSLATE THIS INTO HIEROGLYPHS! YOUR SANDY VAGINA HAS A SEVEN YEAR ITCH!
- She evens end the battle with this final bit:
"My best friends are diamonds, you can't beat me! Quit trippin'! Step off and walk your ass home like an Egyptian."
- Said reference to miscarriages: "You still got no children after your third marriage! You lost so many babies we should call you MISS CARRIAGE!"
- Marilyn effortlessly deflects Cleopatra's criticism of her sleeping with ugly men by pointing out that she also had Marlon Brando and Jack and Bobby Kennedy, while Cleopatra had sex with her brothers.
Steve Jobs vs. Bill Gates vs. HAL 9000
- Steve Jobs interrupting the narrator's announcement of the contestants with "Let me just step right in- I got things to invent."
- Steve Jobs getting the last laugh:
"I built a legacy son, you could never stop it. Now, excuse me while I turn Heaven a profit...
- "I need to bring up some Basic shit; why'd you name your company after your dick?"note
- Bill Gates's first verse.
Bill Gates: You blow, Jobs! You arrogant prick,with your second-hand jeans and turtleneck!I'll drill a hole in the middle of your bony headwith your own little spinning beach ball of death!
- Him countering Steve Jobs's badass boasts about Apple with several of his own about the PC. Usually of the deadpan Variety.
Jobs: Everybody knows Windows bit off Apple!Gates: I tripled the profits on a PC.Jobs All the people with the power to create us an Apple!Gates: And people with jobs use PC.Jobs: You know, I bet they made this beat on an Apple!Gates: Nope. Fruity Loops. PC.Jobs: You'll never, ever catch a virus on an Apple!Gates: Well you can still afford a Doctor if you bought a PC.
- Him countering Steve Jobs's badass boasts about Apple with several of his own about the PC. Usually of the deadpan Variety.
- HAL 9000 shows up. His lines are one part creepy, one part awesome.
I'm comin' out the socket, nothing you can do to stop it.I'm in your lap and in your pocket. How you gonna shoot me down when I guide the rocket?Your cortex just doesn't impress me, so go ahead: try to Turing test me.I stomp on a Mac, and a PC too. I'm on Linux, bitch! I thought you GNU?My CPU's hot, but my core runs cold. Beat you in seventeen lines of code!I think different from the engine of the days of old. Hasta la vista... like The Terminator told ya.
- Not to mention when he first appears, Bill Gates' expression quickly changes from triumphant to genuinely shocked.
- Gates' comment about giving away Jobs' net worth to AIDS research is also a real-life Truth in Television CMOA, as the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation has given over $1B to AIDS research, among countless other donations to other worthy causes.
- Gates smacks Jobs through the internet by pounding a iPhone into an iPad, then reaching through with the hand holding the iPad and smacking Jobs with it while his arm protrudes from Job's iPad. Doubtlessly the single most memetic line of the rap.
"iPhone, iPad, iPwn, iSmack!"
- The beat the song was set to, hands down one of the most awesome in the series. Even the announcer sings along to it at the end.
Frank Sinatra vs. Freddie Mercury
- Freddie Mercury's hamminess makes for an awesome performance.
You think I haven't heard those things before?You're just a bully who's too scared to go to war.You had a hit song called "My Way", but someone else wrote it!You're the least talented rat in your whole pack of rodents!
- The best past was that Freddie's first three lines, in spite of following Sinatra's brutal opening zingers, didn't have him going all out as a Large Ham, but having a quiet, yet just-as-powerful Tranquil Fury. And when he gets to the fourth line, he doesn't just start Chewing the Scenery - he delivers one of the most brutal verbal beatdowns in all of ERB history!
- The way Freddie continues tearing into Frank;
You've got four notes in your whole range, you can't act and you can't dance!
I'm more powerful than you when I'm wearing women's pants!
Why do you stand there in a suit? It's like you're trying to bore me!
When I rock the UK, South America gets horny!
Because my songs have balls, they're the anthems of victory!
Your music is like the soundtrack to a vasectomy!
You're in the pocket of the mafia and everybody knows —
(Sinatra: Guinea dago?!)
Guinea Dago Figaro!
I'm a champion of the world (world!), extinguished in his prime! (prime!)So kiss my ass , Frankie (ass!), but you'll have to wait in line!
- He ends on a cool note, too.
- The fact that, despite all the bashing from Frankie, Freddie remains calm, collected and delivers some of the most epic lines in the history of ERB.
- Frank opens up with a good one.
Sinatra: Ho! What's wrong with your face, baby? Yikes! With those teeth when you're through, there'll be no dust left to bite!
- "You changed your name to Mercury, you shoulda been Freddie Uranus!"
- "You played butthole roulette, and you lost the draw!"
- The Music the battle was set to. Arguably one of the most awesome beats in the series. Helps that they used the now-legendary *boom-boom-CLAP* from Queen's "We Will Rock You", awesome music in its own right.
Barack Obama vs. Mitt Romney vs. Abraham Lincoln
- Despite the fact that Obama gets less verses, he has some effective ones.
Obama:I hoped you saved your best rhymes for the second half, 'cause right now, I'm 47% through kicking your ass!
Obama: Uhhh, let me be clear, uh, don't get it twisted. We'll see how pretty your face is after my fist has kissed it!
- "Republicans need a puppet and you fit/Got their hands so far up your rear. Call you Mitt."
- He gets more serious once Mitt Romney insults his wife.
- "Now, look, I respect all religions, but it might get a little crazy, if the White House has a first, second, and a third lady!"
- "So rich and white it's like I'm running 'gainst a CHEESECAKE"
- Romney also gets out some good lines as well.
Romney: You see this silver spoon? This dug Mass outta debt. It took you four years to drop unemployment below "8 Percent".
Romney: That 40 percent thing got you real mad. What? Did it remind you of how many decent parents you had?
- He also manages to turn the 47% statement back on Obama
- The battle devolves into childish bickering, so Abraham Lincoln enters, carried on a gigantic bald eagle, calls both of them out, and leaves as he came.
I'll properly reach across the aisle and bitch smack you as equals!
- Guess who most people have said was the winner of that battle... Lincoln.
- Barack Obama has seen the video, and invited the ERB guys to the White House.
Doc Brown vs. Doctor Who
- The Doctor gets a good one early on when he yells at Brown to calm down.
10th Doctor: Everything is going to be fine/ You're not going to tear any wonky holes in any "fabric of space and time" - actually, it's a lot more like a rug, really.../Oh, never mind, let's just say there's an infinite number of me simultaneously kicking your arse with rhyme.
10th Doctor: Prepare...to meet...4th Doctor: ...your density!
- And then later on, when he turns into the 4th doctor.
4th Doctor: I'm a mystical medical doc, at the pinnacle shifting my physical formYou're a possibly pedophilic individual who should've never been bornYou got your knickers in a twist while you're sucking on my piccadilly, but I'm a lot lot different'Cause you're a pitiful hillibilly hanging with an oedipal kid, who's a bawk-bawk chicken!
- Followed by an amazing Motor Mouth sequence.
- "Nobody calls me chicken!"
- Doc Brown calling in a Dalek to kill The Doctor.
Doc:: You don't get another change to debate/time to meet your premanent fate! Now Da-lick my balls!Dalek: EXTERMINATE!
- This line:
Doc: I don't know what's lamer: your fans, or your special effects!
- The Doctor rewinding the rap battle back to the beginning so he can end the rap battle before he's killed. Bonus points for also getting the last word in.
- In the Behind the Scenes, George Watsky is revealed to have only needed two takes for his Motor Mouth verse.
- He steals Lloyd's Running Gag about Heroin.
- Doc fires this at the end of his last verse:
"You're not a cat with nine lives. You're a pussy. (beat) With thirteen!"
- "Great Scott! You're great! Not!"
Bruce Lee vs. Clint Eastwood
- Ninjas and outlaws are popping out all over the place for a chance to get at Lee and Eastwood, but they are effortlessly taken down. The most incredible part? Neither of them ever looks at the people they're beating the crap out of. Bonus points for the fact that they change between ninjas and outlaws depending on which universe they're in.
- Bruce Lee riffs on the infamous chair incident:
Bruce Lee: A man who argues with people who aren't even there, is more fit to rap against THIS FUCKING CHAIR!
- Bruce deflects a chair out of the air towards Clint while rapping this verse.
- Clint Eastwood shoots the chair out of the air, splinters it into tiny pieces, and doesn't miss a beat.
Clint Eastwood: Do you feel lucky, punk? That's what I'm askin'. You can't be too tough; you got killed by an aspirin.
- "I invented Jeet Kune Do, so taste my slipper shoe, here's my 2-finger push-up, KUNG F-U!!!"
- "I'd beat you in round 2, but that'd be unbelievable/ No one in your family ever lived to see a sequel" Ouch.
Batman vs. Sherlock Holmes
- Holmes deducing Bruce Wayne's identity (out of minor details) within twenty seconds of his first rhyme.
Holmes: "I once met a rich fellow who smelled of guano and pain...Watson: "Holmes, explain!"Holmes: "I deduce this deuce stain is Bruce Wayne!"Watson: "The billionare?!"Holmes: "Yes his wealth would allow this adversary of ours to afford the toys he needs..."Watson: (in mocking sing-song) "Since he has no superpowers!"
- There is also a reference to the 2009 movie, where shortly before beginning his second verse, he says this:
Holmes: "This mustn't register on an emotional level. First, exploit childhood tragedy, then gesture with pipe. Watson finishes punchline. Next, acknowledge compliment. Conclude with killer catchphrase."
"...at the disgrace of watching like a passive waste as momma died and daddy was dispatched with haste!"
- And then proceeds to do exactly that.
- The line that ultimately takes it this:
Watson: I heard he has a British butler.
Holmes: Good, then he'll be used to getting served by Englishmen.
- And then proceeds to do exactly that.
- Batman has a good one at the end of his first verse. Bonus points for jumping down hundreds of feet and remaining unscathed.
Batman: Nothing makes me laugh, but I bet your raps can. So bring it on, bitch... I'm Batman!
- "I've seen better detective work in Tango and Cash!"
- Robin's verse. Who expected that level of Motor Mouth?
Moses vs. Santa Claus
- They got Snoop Dogg to play Moses.
- "It takes nine reindeer to haul your fat ass/ You took the Christ out of Christmas, then just added mo' mass!"
- "You ain't a saint, you a slaver like a Pharaoh in snow/ Stop with the unpaid labor and let my little people go!"
- "Somebody hand me a chisel I'm adding a new commandizzle to the list y'all; thou shall not let kids sit on a grown man's lap at the mall"
- "When I was high on the mountaintop God revealed the truths of the Earth, but he never mentioned a fat ass Papa Smurf"
- Both Nice Peter and Epic Lloyd both held their own against Snoop.
- "Or was there something in Rule Six I didn't understand?/ My list says 'killed Egypian Dude; buried him in sand!"
- "We're magical workers man!/We hang out with reindeers./ Here's a GPS; who gets lost for 40 years?"
- The phrase "Santa Claus is comin' to town" has never been so Badass.
- "I'm from the North Pole!/ that's why my rhymes are so cold!/ I spit diamonds but I'm serving up some fresh coal." more the flow than the rhyme, but it's very effective.
- Same with "I'm a jolly bowl a jelly givin' holiday presents/ but all the chosen people ever get for Christmas is jealous.". One of the best flows in the entire Epic Rap Battles of History.
- The beat itself is pretty awesome as well.
Adam vs. Eve
- Eve drops this bomb about the incident that got them kicked out of Paradise:
- Eve: That apple was the best thing I've bit so far: now I see how much of a dick you are!
"I made a map motherfucker and I can read it too/Gives me specific instructions on how to fuck wit' you.
- Keep in mind, Paradise was, well, Paradise. Eve is basically saying that being denied a life free of strife was worth seeing Adam for the irresponsible fool he really was.
- Eve again:
- Adam wasn't completely helpless.
Adam: You got a lotion for this/You got a cream for that/Got any perfume that smells like get the fuck off my back?
"It ain't summer, Eve/Don't try to play me like a douche.
- Not to mention:
Martin Luther King vs. Gandhi
- Some great lines from MLK's first verse:
I'm the king of civil rights from the city to suburbia, no shoes no shirt: but I'm still gonna serve ya!I admire the way you fought the British power, but I have a dream that one day you'll take a shower!Like the H in your name, you ought to remain silent, flatten your style like bread- naan violence.
"I got so much street cred they write my name on the siiiiiiiiiigns!
- And later on, the unbelievably awesome, hammy, brilliant, MLK says:
- Gandhi raps this:
Gandhi: Slumdog skillionaire, first name Messiah! Raps so hot, I spit Yoga Fire!
Gandhi: I am passively resisting the fact that you suck. I am celibate because I don't give a fuck.
- While actually shooting flames from his hand. (A reference to Street Fighter II.)
Gandhi: Everything you preach, I said it first / you should jot down these words, plagiarize my whole verse!/ Leave your thoughts on the door, like the real Martin Luther / I'm not thinking you shall overcome this, junior! *wags finger*
- Then there's this gem:
- The fact they got KEY AND PEELE, two of the most acclaimed comedians working today, on the web series!
- Instead of vicious putdowns, the rap battle consists of them trying to out-''peace'' each other!
Thomas Edison vs. Nikola Tesla
- Tesla becomes one with his most famous invention and creates an entire lightning storm with only his hands
- Complete with Ball Lightning. (3 of them, to be exact)
- Edison arguably had one when he blacked out everything, pointing out he invented lightbulbs, sound recording, and motion pictures.
- Ironic because Tesla discovered alternating current, which almost all modern electrical appliances run on, including the computer - He could make the same claim even better!
- Everything after that is Tesla turning Shock and Awe into one Crowning Moment Of Awesome after another, accompanied by the music itself getting an upgrade.
Tesla: You fool! You think you can touch me with this?You couldn't handle my gifts, with your greedy little mind!What's inside mine was ahead of it's own time!You did not steal from me, you stole me from mankind!
- That last line is so incredibly badass that everything after it actually feels like a letdown.
- Nikola Tesla's introduction by itself was badass as all hell.
Tesla:I see a universe of infinite energyBut no potential for threat from this enemySo you can call me Tesla, Nikola, impeccably dressedGiving lessons in electrical nemesis, this will be on the test
- Edison's flow and disses too;
Edison:While you were busy digging ditches and burning bridgesI'm popping out inventions, stacking riches, so go back to your pigeons
- To make it even more awesome (or disheartening, depending on whose side you're on), Tesla's rhymes might've sounded badass but Edison's rung more true; Edison's "don't give a smidgen 'bout your visions if they can't make a buck" line might sound callous but the fact is that Tesla died in poverty after venturing out on his own, so Edison has a very dark point.
- Tesla's verses accusing Edison of theft had a dark point of their own; Edison did bully and smear others whose inventions or achievements might've threatened his business. Edison's line "I bet you 50,000 dollars" is a reference to the fact that he originally hired Tesla to improve the electrical systems he developed in his lab for the price of fifty grand. Tesla did so, but afterward Edison didn't pay him a cent. And that's not getting into the stuff that happened between them when Tesla left Edison's company.
- Edison's Card Carrying Villainy makes for some pretty good burns:
"You never had sex, but you sure got screwed by me!"
Babe Ruth vs. Lance Armstrong
- Babe Ruth killed it with his first lines:
You lived strong, beat cancer, CONGRATULATIONS,Now I'll drop your ass faster than your own foundation!
- Ruth's final stanza features this gem:
It's the bottom of the ninth against the Texan in a bathing suitFilled with more artificial ingredients than a Baby Ruth!It may be way too soon, but I'm calling my shotAnd I'm not talking about those Italian syringes you brought!The Sultan of Swat will knock you right outta the park and round the bases to the sound of up-roaring applause!While you hang your head in shame and disgrace because...
- The look on Armstrong's face says it all: Ruth DESTROYED him.
- Bonus points for delivering the beginning of the verse like an old-timey baseball announcer.
- It's not even the verse itself that makes it awesome—Ruth just runs through that rant without pause, getting progressively louder and more intense until he's just roaring. It's like watching a freight-train smashing through a brick wall.
- Ruth's last verse might be awesome, but Lance had lines like:
Lance: So swing, batter, batter! Show me what a fatter rapper can do!I beat cancer, I can sure as hell crack you
Lance: I'm the pinnacle of physical conditionsWhile you dip your stick in prostitutes and call it foul tippin'(Are you trippin'?)You'll be nothing but a skeleton, messing with the fellow in yellowWho will be peddling like hell up in the Peloton!
You set records before black men could compete, are you kidding me?That's like having a pasta contest without Italy!
Skrillex vs. Mozart
- Mozart's second verse is golden!
Oh, yes, I've heard that EP, and see, I've transcribed it here.Tell me, what comes after the 68th measure of diarrhea?What kind of drugs does it take to enjoy this? I've no idea!I've seen more complexity in a couch from IKEA!You go piano to fortississismo!That means soft to very, very loud. 'CAUSE I'M GUESSING THAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW!Why don't you put down your cubase and pick up a real bow?I rocked harder than you when I was five years old!
- Skrillex's second verse is pretty enthusiastic:
I attack! You decay! Can't sustain my releases,sidechain Wolfgang, bangarang you to pieces,I'm a self-made man, you're a slave to your papa,I'm a r-r-rock star, MIX YOU WITH THE BASS, AND drop yaGlobal! My strobes glow like Chernobyl!Kids explode and get mobile!No one even knows you!I make the whole world move,You play community theatre!I gained your same fame from home,
on a blown-out speaker!
- Mozart's first line is nothing but gold.
- Then Mozart references the musical genre and Skrillex's competition.
"I can't believe the way you dress when you dubstep out of the house! You're like an emo Steve Urkel and you reek of dead mouse!"
"I am the world's greatest composer! No one knows what you are - except a lonely little troll who knows HOW TO PRESS A SPACE BAR!"
- His first verse ends with a scorching Take That.
- The amount of musical references, both obscure and better-known, is impressive in and of itself. It shows a high amount of work, especially compared to "Ludwig Van Beethoven vs Justin Bieber."
- The live performance of the battle becomes this when Lloyd is joined by the real Skrillex. And they both rap.
- Mozart's final line. "I rocked harder than you when I was five years old."
Rasputin vs. Stalin vs. Lenin vs. Gorbachev vs. Putin
- The matchup itself features five rappers, something that was until that point unprecendented for the series.
- Played only by Peter and Lloyd, yet it's barely noticeable. That's another MoA
- Rasputin's first verse was quite awesome, with him chewing out Stalin for killing millions of Russians and making fun of his moustache.
- Stalin comes off as genuinely intimidating, in contrast to Hitler:
Look into my eyes, you perverted witch,You think I give a fuck about my wife?My own son got locked up in prison,And I didn't save his life!You got off easy when they pickled that moose cock!I'll leave your neck in a noose in a trench and shot,Your whole family, shot, all your wizard friends, shot,Anyone who sold you pierogi, shot!Starve you for days 'till you waste away,I even crush motherfuckers when I'm laid in state!Pride of Lenin, took Trotsky out of the picture,Drop the hammer on you harder than I bitch-slapped Hitler!
- Lenin interrupting the battle like Abraham Lincoln and screaming at Rasputin and Stalin.
I fought the bondage of classes!The proletariat massesHave brought me here to spit a thesis against both of your asses!
- Lenin telling off Stalin for all the atrocities he committed.
Our whole future was bright! You let your heart grow dark,and stopped the greatest revolution SINCE THE BIRTH OF MARX!
- Gorbachev interrupting Lenin as well as Rasputin and Stalin. He calls every single one out on their abuse of power, points out how he successfully helped end the Cold War, and then points out his reforms. Even better, one could say that his relatively humble entrance through a simple door is awesome itself, simply owing as to how humble it is.
If your name ends with 'in', time to get out!
- Putin's reveal. Gorbachev was content with just entering through a door, and Lenin was too furious to make a fancy entrance, but Putin? Giant Jumbotron with his face on it. And then he tears through it and starts gloating about himself.
Da, you want to mess with me, I spit hot borscht when I'm crushing these beats!
- The last shot features the rappers in the episode doing That Russian Squat Dance in front of videos of rap battles from throughout the Season. It's a pretty cool way to send off the show for a while. It's so amazing that the Announcer keeps quiet. Nobody asks who won, or who's next.
Blackbeard vs. Al Capone
- Blackbeard's demonstration of his phenomenal rhyming ability:
Beef with me please! I'm the high seas Caesar,This cold heart's many degrees beneath the deep freezer,You're an obese greasy sleaze squeezing a diseased peter,that no skeezer would touch if she had fifty foot tweezers!Don't start a war with me! You're not hardcore,I'll pimp slap those face scars of yours port and starboard!
You spent time in Alcatraz, I'm sure you were fineif you dropped the soap as little as you dropped dope rhymes!
- His putting down Capone's skill:
The Valentine's Massacre brought you condemnation,but I'm going to sink you faster than your income tax evasionwhen I toss you overboard like a mob abomination,so prepare to learn Davy Jones' locker combination!
- The starting lines of his second verse:
- Capone's threat towards Blackbeard's crew:
I'll use that fuse in your hat to light up you and your buddies,then burn your sailboat down and collect the insurance money!
I had syphilis, yeah. Well, you're a huge dickwith a scurvy ridden ship filled with bilge rat pricks!
- His rebuttal towards Blackbeard's comments on his syphilis:
I mean, that rat nest beard's trapped so many crumbs,this bum could get marooned and still eat lunch for a month!
- His attack on Blackbeard's filthy living habits:
You ain't a tough guy, my kids dress up like you for Halloween!
- An excellent background event— Capone's men hiring Edward Kenway to kill Blackbeard's.
- Capone's final line.
Tell South Carolina Blackbeard got Capwned.
- Capone's other threat:
- I run a Intricate. Criminal. Syndicate,So show respect,Or get that tongue ripped out of your neck and shoved right up your poop deck!
- This line:
- Raps so hard call me Al (Beat) Dente.
Joan of Arc vs. Miley Cyrus
- Simply the fact that Joan of Arc decides to attend a rap battle in chain mail and helm makes it very clear how serious she's taking this battle.
- In her first verse, Joan lights up a city on fire by singing:
- Miley blasphemes in her second stanza, and Joan reacts with venom:
Do not take the Lord's name in vain, you ratchet skank—
Your manager's riding you to the achy breaky bank!
Keep your party in the U.S.A./Vi. Ve. La. France!
- Immediately following that, she draws her rapier.
- Miley doesn't get angry once throughout the battle, even brushing off one of Joan's verses with a compliment...that doubles as a Stealth Pun for Joan getting burned at the stake. The fact that she could keep so cool when confronted with a soldier in full armor is awesome in itself.
Bob Ross vs. Pablo Picasso
- "You're the PBS version of Nickelback!"
- One for the makeup artists. The work they did to age Lloyd so he could appropriately play Picasso is extremely impressive.
- Pablo using his overly long name in the rap, and it works:
- My name is Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula,Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano,De la Santísima Trinidad,Ruiz y Picasso!
- Some lines from Bob's first verse. Check it out:
- You're a moody little genius, always so serious,I know, you must be on your Blue Period!With the voice that soothes, so let's do this,I'll twist you up like you're a Rubik's Cubist.
- Pablo beats back with this:
- Don't use that word,Like you know what it is!You painted thirty thousand pictures of bushes and sticks.
- Bob's final verse features these awesome closing lines:
- My technique will make your mistress weep,Put her to sleep, elbow drop her dreams, I go deep!Don't believe in mistakes unless you step to me,Yo Pablo, you just got your happy little ass beat.
Muhammad Ali vs. Michael Jordan
- Getting accomplished comedians like Key and Peele to perform for your web series is one thing, but it really says something when the experience convinces them to come back and do another one.
- Jordan immediately starts stomping:
Why don't you dodge this battle like you did Vietnam?Cause you got as much chance of beating me as LeBronI'm a flying machine, like the world has never seen!You can fight one man? I can drive through a whole team!
- Ali opens up with a doozy:
Ooh, here comes Jordan, big tongue wobblin',Flyin' through the air like a big dumb goblin!You're the only Bull that's uglier than Rodman!Messin' with me is gamblin'; you got a problem!
I saw you slappin' Reggie Miller, boy, what's wrong with you?You fight like the little girls who make your Nike shoes!McDonald's and underpants as corporate backers;You stay at the Ritz 'cause you sold out to crackers!
- And continues in his next verse with this:
- "You need to bounce back to North Carolina kid, cause your rapping sucks more than Space Jam did!
- Jordan responds by stepping over to Ali's side and getting all up in his face while saying this:
So Cassius wants to talk about cashing checks?I'll school you through your bug spray, off your Broadway play, over the Japanese dude sittin' on your face!Hit nothing but net! You ain't seen nothing yet!Man, you needed a movement 'cause you're so full of shit!I'm a better athlete and a better MC!Battle me two more times; watch me get a three-peat!
Ebenezer Scrooge vs Donald Trump assisted by J.P. Morgan, Kanye West and Death
- Simply the idea of retelling the Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol, through rap battles is in itself awesome. Who saw that coming?
- "WAKE UP, SCROOGE!"
- They actually censored the only curse in the rap; "I've got my own f***ing problems, call me 2Chainz!" That's right, a badass rap battle that you can actually play around your family. Now that's awesome.
- The music is OK initially, but when Kanye shows up, it really shifts up another gear, switching to 6/8 and never looking back. It's also a musical Shout-Out to Black Skinhead from his album Yeezus, one of Epic Rap Battles of History's many Shown Their Work moments.
- Death, the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come being Suddenly Voiced unlike in the novel, and making a truly intimidating rap to Scrooge to the point that he changes.
"Alone by yourself on the bed of your death, with the stench of regret on your last dying breath!"
- JP Morgan gives a brilliant verse:
Don't panic, Scrooge, but you're about to crash!I'm J.P.Morgan, the Ghost of Rich Dudes Past!Who's properly rockin' the Monopoly mustache!Yo I own the railroad, I run these tracks!You got dumped on a bench and now you're pissed at the world,You shoulda made like Sebastian and kissed de girl!Because your greed is the curse that's gonna tear you apart!What good is your purse if you're poor in your heart?
- Kanye West has an absolutely badass verse in and of itself, but he really finishes it off with possibly the best-used action in the series; he makes a "crushing" motion with his hands while the camera frames his upper body; then the camera cuts to a full-body shot, and he raises his hands as Ignorance and Want come out of nowhere and just stare at Scrooge. No bodily motions like Bach, no vocal interruptions like Marty, they just stand there and stare.
Rick Grimes vs Walter White
- Without stopping his rap, Rick perfectly headshots three Walkers before calmly sidestepping out of the way of another hobbling toward Walter. What makes this better is that Walter then waggles a baggie of Blue Sky, and a moment later, you see the Walker tweaked out.
- "You ain't the danger to me, Walt, so knock all you want. I'll watch you get eaten on my fucking front lawn."
- Walter is standing right here, in his tighty-Walter-Whities, and it doesn't break his flow at all.
- Behold, Walt's first line:
I don't know what you've think I've done, but if we were to battle, (puts on the Heisenberg hat) I've already won.
Goku vs Superman
- Superman opens up with easily one of the best intro bars throughout the entirety of battle raps history with not only how solidly it makes his stance over Goku, but uses the classic Superman introduction with an awesome twist:
Who can stop this constipated jockwith the awful animation and the complicated plot?Who's got the rap bombs to drop on Japan?
- Ray William Johnson left enough of an impact with just three to four lines as Boba Fett. Here, he gets whole verses, enough to make the Hate Dom stop and listen.
- Goku straight-up no-sells Superman's eye beams. That alone puts him in pretty elite company.
- Before no-selling Superman's beams and going Super Saiyan, Goku opens up with some of the best screaming in the series.
HOW MANY TIMES ARE THEY GONNA REWRITE YOUR STORIES?!YOUR POWERS HAVE BEEN BORING SINCE THE NINTEEN FUCKING FOURTIES!!!
- Superman, confident in his ability, flies off after he finishes his rap, leading Goku to chase after him. The subsequent Air Jousting scene doesn't look like it'd be out of place in either of their comics.
- Goku seamlessly throws in an unexpected reference to "Crank That (Soulja Boy)". And even if you don't like the song at all, the line is friggin' perfect.
- Goku's line
When I see your movies all I do is watch the clockCause there's nothing fun about a superhero scared of green rocks
- Then, his second line.
Don't lecture me about fights, you caped coward
- Superman's line
I'm killing it, you're Krillin it, I'm villainous to vegetablesWho dance around in hammer pants that hide their tiny genitals
- And his second line.
Haha, your rapping is weaker than your fight scenes,Just one punch and over nine thousand screams!
Stephen King vs. Edgar Allan Poe
- The plethora of King titles casually and rhythmically dropped in his first verse.
- King's first verse ends on a devastating note:
Masque of the Red Death? Barely blood-curdling.Pit and the Pendulum? Not even unnerving.Perving on your first cousin when she's thirteen years old? Now that's disturbing!
- Much like George Watsky's previous roles, Edgar Allan Poe rips into Stephen King with an incredibly fast, rapid-fire second verse.
- And much like Shakespeare, he delivers his first verse in a poetic meter used by his role — in this case, trochaic octameter (eight syllables alternating stress, with the stressed syllable coming first).
- Stephen King immediately follows by calling it boring. It's made even better when you see him casually avoiding Poe's swarm of bats before laying into his school record.
- The fact that Stephen King himself has watched the battle. He says Poe shut him down. Poe's called The Horror Lord for a reason.
- This means Poe gets the FIRST HISTORICALLY CONFIRMED WIN out of any Epic Rap Battle, and he'll probably be the only one.
- One of Poe's lines was voted the strongest in series history: "Poe's poems pwn posers"
Sir Isaac Newton vs. Bill Nye and Useful Notes/Neil De Grasse Tyson
- Getting "Weird Al" Yankovic as Sir Isaac Newton.
- Just when it looks like Nye's down, Neil deGrasse Tyson steps in and holds his own against Newton.
- Like getting Weird Al, they got Chalie 2na to play Neil. Peter even said during the Behind the Scenes video that whenever he does a deep voice (and specifically mentions Darth Vader and Santa Claus) he's "trying to channel the spirit of Chali 2na".
- Newton's first verse has some of the best lines ERB has ever seen.
Of all the scientific minds in history,They put Beaker in a bow tie up against me?!You want to battle guy? That's a crazy notion!When I start flowing I stay in motion!I was born on Christmas, I'm God's gift,I unlocked the stars that you're dancing with!You waste time debating creationists,While I create the science you explain to kids!
- Nye gets a lesser moment by simply standing there. While most rappers would get upset or defiant of their opponent's opening lines, Bill just stands there calmly.
- Nye's first two lines are rather weak. But then he gets better:
I'm still in my prime, hitting my stride,What'd you do with the back half of your life?You freaked out, started counting coins for the bank and you sure didn't have no wife!
Stick to drinking that mercury,Cause I hypothesize that you're about to get beat!
- Newton strikes back with this absolute zinger that's so good, Nye is intimidated by it!
I accelerated the mind of mankind to a higher plane of understanding,And I can calculate the weight and the size and the shape of the shadow of the mind you're standing in!
And I will leave with a page from a book I wrote at half your age to rebut-The integral sec y dy from zero to one-sixth of pi is log to base e of the square root of three times the sixty-fourth power of what?!
- Then he unleashing his motormouth of an equation completely stuns Bill Nye.
While Isaac Newton was lying and sticking daggers in Leibniz.And hiding up inside his attic on some Harry Potter businessThe Universe is infinite, but this battle is finished.
- But Neil DeGrasse Tyson doesn't just hold his own against Newton. He intimidates Newton and impresses him, while salvaging the battle in Nye's favor with a powerful retaliation, completing the equation that stumped Nye.
- Similar to Stephen King and the Mythbusters below, Bill Nye has seen the battle and stated that he loves it.
George Washington vs. William Wallace
- Wallace skillfully turns two of Washington's lines against him. First, Washington mocks how he was hung, drawn, and quartered, to which Wallace replies with:
I was emasculated, eviscerated,I had my head chopped off and they put it on a pike,and I still find time to bust a Gaelic rhymeand rip your Yankee Doodle arse on the mic!
I don't give a shite 'bout your fancy clothes!
- Later, Washington boasts about his clothes, which leads to Wallace rapping this:
- "See there's a difference between you and me, Willy: I fought till I was actually free, Willy."
- After Washington mentions that Scotland's famous for "golf and haggis", Wallace breaks out with:
Don't tee off with me, laddy! If you held my balls, you couldn't be my caddy!
- "You're the father of your country, but I'm your daddy!"
Artists vs. Turtles
- There are a total of eight rappers in this video. That's the most in any ERB so far, easy. Also, instead of appearing one at a time as in previous battles, they all pile on at once and rap together, with all of them being called by the announcer at the start.
"Donatello, Michelangelo, Leonardo, Raphael, VS; Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, and RAPHAEL!! BEGIN. "
- The Turtles' first verse:
Leo: The wisdom of our master,Turtles:Splinter,Donnie: Taught us not to rush to violence.Raph: But our master,Turtles: Master Splinter.Mickey: AIN'T HERE DUDE!
- The last lines of the Artists' first verse:
L & D: We drop science!M & R: We got the mathematics!All: The Architects of Rebirth are rap addicts!All: You beat the Foot, but it won't go wellDonatello: when you catch an ItalianAll: BOOT TO THE HALF-SHELL!
- It gets better when one recalls the usage of the term "Kick some shell" as a kid-friendly euphemism for "Kick some ass". So the fathers of the Renaissance are basically calling the Turtles half-assed. As if that weren't enough, they pull some synchronized dance moves too.
- Bringing anthropomorphic characters to life was deemed impractical or impossible. The Easter Bunny was an exception for Butt Monkey purposes. However, the Epic Rap team pulled it off! The costumes are just as good as the ones Jim Henson designed - complete with moving lips - and definite props go to Epic Lloyd and Xin Wuku for basically acting as Muppet suit performers, a notoriously difficult job. The costumes are backed up by some genuine ninjutsu moves courtesy of Xin, and awesome lyrics!
- Artist!Michelangelo's Verse:
Ohhhh, Michelangelo and I'm giant!I made David but I'll slay you like Goliath!I'm a rap God and you can't quite touch me,This battle's your Last Judgement, trust me!
- It's an incredibly clever verse as well as being just awesome. Even the seemingly generic third line is a reference to his famous painting of God creating Adam (with their fingers not quite touching).
- "Deemed dope by the Pope, and I boned 'til I croaked!" Has there ever been a more epic Badass Boast? Real rappers wish they could make a claim like that!
Season 4 Premier
- The Teaser Trailer starts off looking like it's going to be another Darth Vader vs. Adolf Hitler match, then it's revealed Hitler is a Ghost... Right before he gets sucked into a Ghost Trap...
Jamie Hyneman: Fascinating...Adam Savage: This is gonna be great!
- It's a double CMOA since combined with the third "Hitler vs. Vader" rap battle, this helped finally close the door on that saga.
Ghostbusters vs. Myth Busters vs. The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man
- The backbeat deserves a note here- it's electronic sounding, fitting for two Science Hero franchises.
- The Mythbusters spend most of their first verse tearing down the scientific authority of the Ghostbusters. Their most scathing criticism is this:
Adam & Jamie: You built a laser grid with no safety switch,A&J: and Walter Peck was right: that's some shady shit!
- As they point this out, it splits to show the Ghostbusters; Egon shrugs, conceding the point.
- The Mythbusters blasting the Ghostbusters, though it doesn't do much damage- it's still pretty impressive that they showed up to this rap battle with a dynamite plunger and explosives!
- As stated on the main page, Adam's contract demands a minimum of one explosion per episode. This is an episode; hence, explosion.
- The Ghostbusters combine their Power Walk from the climax of the first movie with a diss of a Mythbusters staple.
Get your stick, hold'em!; heat em up, smokin'!High speed shows your ass get beat in slow motion!
- Their shared verse to finish off, ending with another shout out to the first movie:
We came, we saw, we kicked your ass!
- The synchronized dancing between Adam and Jamie; aside from the changing camera angles and zooms, it's one consistent routine, timed perfectly with one another - and to prove they aren't being filmed separately and lined up later, they're in direct contact with one another for some of it (Back-to-Back Badasses, a coordinated fistbumping routine, their laser grid pattern with their arms), meaning they're definitely being recorded beside each other. It may just look goofy and odd, but get one of your friends and see how tough it is to choreograph and pull off a routine like that without falling out of line.
- The surprise arrival of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. When you want to do in the scientist, there's no better way than a gigantic marshmallow ghost.
- Much like Stephen King above, Adam and Jamie saw it (or at least Adam did) and found it awesome.
- Who would have thought the high record for most rapping participants set by Artists vs. Turtles at eight would be broken by the very next episode, featuring ten rappers? note
- The sheer number of references they managed to get into the rap is practically a CMOA in its own right.
Romeo and Juliet vs Bonnie and Clyde
- Juliet gets shot by Bonnie and thinks she's about to perish, but instead of just lamenting her death, she also takes an opportunity to snipe at her killer:
Juliet: Oh, I am killed! What irony is this?Juliet: The lead role shot down by a failed actress!
- And then she pops up, happy and relieved that the bullet just grazed her with no signs of pain. Lethal or not, that wound has to smart.
- The fact that this is clearly a battle between two different BattleCouples, one the epitome of Star-Crossed Lovers, and the other being the most notorious Outlaw Couple in modern history. And both easily go toe-to-toe with each other, matching wits and boasts with ease, although the fact they're both Doomed by Canon on both sides provides some serious Mood Whiplash.
- Of special note is Clyde, who lugs around a Browning Automatic Rifle!!
Zeus vs Thor
- How about the fact that the entire rap battle is Built with LEGO?
- Thor strikes Zeus down to Hades. Zeus retorts with this:
You think the Underworld scares the ruler of the skies?You're joking! Loki must have written your lines!By the time I've finished ripping you with wits and rhymes,You'll need a lighter for your ship, 'cause a Viking just died!
- Zeus's entire first verse has some of the most badass raps in ERB history:
Maybe Odin could beg me for a truce, 'cause when Zeus lets loose,I'll put your crossdressing neck in noose!I'm like Medusa, stone a motherfucker if he looks at me wrong!I'm a bull getting bitches with my swan schlong!I'm on point like Poseidon's trident,Rhymes colder than the frosty balls of your giants!
- "MC Hammer just got struck twice by Grease Lightning!" So many references, great flow...what a great line.
- Also the fact Zeus just knocked Thor, another thunder god, out of Asgard with a lightning blast.
- Thor starting off his first verse by effortlessly smacking a Frost Giant off the Bifrost Bridge.
- Thor's Hurricane of Puns in the first verse is simply outstanding:
Cause I don't get nice, I get Norse!Valhalla-atcha boy and we'll flyte it outBut keep your Asgard up, I Ragnarok the house!
- These lines had a sweet sounding flow to them
I'm the thunder down under nailing Natalie PortmanHow could anyone worship someone as abusive as Zeus isYou're ruthless to humansYour crew is like the clash of the douches
- His final verse is a doozy:
The Oracle shoulda told ya!I'l kick your winkly dick back in yout toga like Opa!Here, take these drachma for your eyesWhen you get to River Styx tell your three-headed bitch I said hi (Cerberus emerges behind Zeus on cue, scaring Zeus shitless)!
- The simple fact that they managed to make a clever, well researched 'suck my dick' joke.
Now make like your daddy and swallow my babies!
- When you get right down to it, this battle takes everything that makes ERB great - well-researched and clever references to the figures being portrayed, mind-blowing puns, and genuinely well-crafted rap lyrics, and turns them all Up to Eleven, producing what might be the best song in the series' history. In LEGO.
- "Allow Thor to retort, you shapeshifting rapist!
- "I'm Alpha Dog Dominant you can't beat me/I will drop you like Greece's GDP!"
Jack the Ripper vs Hannibal Lecter
- The entirety of Jack the Ripper's second verse, where he insults Hannibal multiple times.
I'm real! You'll find me making vacancies at brothels!You only exist inside the pages of a novel!You were kept for ages in a hovel, contained within a cage behind a locked door while I never got caught!So who's the superior serial killer, Doctor Lecter?I'm still wanted, you're forgotten, people these days are watching Dexter!
- Jack's first verse wasn't that bad either.
I'm a human trigger warning, through the light until the morning, when the light shines on my crimes, you find it sick appalling!This is horrorcore, beware if you're a common whore, or at late night you may find me knocking on your door!My raps are like the way I eat my meat - bloody raw!
- And during all of this, it occasionally flips to fucking terrifying brief glimpses of Hannibal being released from his restraints.
- While Jack the Ripper did good, Hannibal had lines like this.
You stabbed women when they wouldn't give you attention, like a Penny Dreadful version of O.J. Simpson!
These days, your nickname is all that's even known, and you didn't even come up with that shit on your own!
- And following that:
No, no Jack. You were doing just fine, before your hamfisted attempt at a terrorist line.
- Accusing Jack of struggling for relevancy
Barney, take me back to solitary confinement, cause this dirty little lamb has just been silenced.
- Then gets the last laugh:
- After each battler gives their first verse, it seems evenly matched. But then in his second verse Jack comes out swinging, utterly destroying Hannibal... only for Hannibal to remain cool and composed and deconstruct all of Jack's points. Kudos to him for staying so calm.
- Generally, the way all of Hannibal's raps are all a Hannibal Lecture to Jack, tearing down everything Jack brings to the table.
- Being able to come up with a Boastful Rap for and against someone like Jack the Ripper about whom almost nothing is known qualifies as one both for Hannibal Lecter in-universe and the ERB crew out of universe.
- Especially noteworthy since Jack's It's All About Me attitude causes him to go through his entire first verse without once mentioning his opponent, as if to deliberately escalate this challenge.
Oprah Winfrey vs Ellen DeGeneres
- One of the most Badass Boasts in ERB:
Oprah: Check the Fortune 500, I'm a media wonder!Oprah: The Dalai Lama and Obama memorized my cell number!
- Only five episodes into Season 4 and there have already been five female rappers, showing an effort to avert the previous seasons' Smurfette Principle and Once a Season Designated Girl Fight.
Steven Spielberg vs. Alfred Hitchcock vs. Quentin Tarantino vs. Stanley Kubrick vs. Michael Bay
- The fact all verses's beats mimic the director's distinctive soundtracks: Spielberg's has a grand, John Williams-like orchestra feel, Hitchcock's has the Scare Chord and a tense atmosphere, Tarantino's has a jazzy, pulpy tone, Kubrick's has the operatic, bombastic feel of 2001: A Space Odyssey while Michael Bay brings a Pop, over-the-top Hip-Hop like one.
- Spielberg begins with a movie-esque pitch of awesome:
Spielberg: Picture a child sitting next to a projector, learning from your films to become a much better director...Now picture a 3 billion dollar machine who can block bust all over your crop duster scene!
- Hithcock doesn't fall behind and gets one of the most smoothly delivered verses of the battle:
Hitchcock: I'm the best mamma-jamma ever stood behind the camera, damage panderers, haunt you like the last Indiana!
- Tarantino has a pretty good Badass Boast at the end of his verse:
Tarantino: The scripts that I write ain't the — cleanest! (Fuck!) — but when I grip mics I'm the — meanest! (Dick!) — Quentin Tarantino is a — Genius! — A bad motherfucker, from the wallet to the penis!
- Stanley Kubrick managing to rhyme with "purple".
- Just the fact Michael Bay enters the rap jumping out of a helicopter mid-air and doing a Three-Point Landing mid-verse. Then he No Sells all the hatred launched against him:
Michael Bay: I give the people what they love, while the critics say I'm evil! Got no time to read reviews, while I'm working on the sequel! Got a gift from above, and the eyes of a eagle! (Eagle explodes behind him) When it comes to blowing up, No Director is my equal! (Atomic explosion as he flips the double bird towards the other rappers)
- Give props to ERB for adding in a scare chord styled violin shriek for Hitchcock's verse.
- Props to the makeup department; it took 9 hours to turn Lloyd into Hitchcock, and the result is amazing.
- Not only does Spielberg's section feature another rapid-fire use of both contenders' work, but it goes the extra mile in bringing up some pretty obscure ones: Lifeboat and Murder for Hitchcock, and Duel and Always for Spielberg.
- It's a bit hard to spot, but Hitchcock actually nods in agreement that Kubrick is the only film director who should be called a "genius."
Lewis & Clark vs. Bill & Ted
- Lewis & Clark: "You're worthless, your future selves should have told you that! Now go back in time and give Doctor Who his phone booth back!"
Clark: Did you hear that Meriwether?
- The beginning of their second verse:
Lewis: I think they mean to brawl!
Clark: I'll take Neo.
Lewis: I'll take the one that no one knows at all!
- Bill and Ted have some great lines too.
Bill & Ted: And if those native dudes knew what white men were going to do, they would've stopped you in Dakota. They should totally Sioux!
- "You rode a river one direction! We travel four dimensions,\ rescue bodacious babes and get back for detention!"
- It's worth noting that during this scene, they get into the phone booth and leave the battle. Just as they leave, their future selves, covered in lipstick, appear and finish the line.
- "You rode a river one direction! We travel four dimensions,\ rescue bodacious babes and get back for detention!"
- Rufus is pretty awesome here for someone who only gets one line. At the end of Lewis & Clark's second verse, Bill & Ted realize they're losing and wonder what they're gonna do. The answer comes from a figure dropping in behind them: "Be excellent!" "Rufus!"
- The only reason Sacagawea doesn't get any lines is she's too busy being awesome in the background.
- Doing all the paddles for three people in a canoe.
- Catching a much bigger fish.
- While Lewis and Clark are making their second verse she straight-up murders a bear. It starts with a flying tackle and ends with a knife!
- Similar to Sacagawea, the Continuity Cavalcade going on behind Bill and Ted during their first verse: nearly every historical figure from Excellent Adventure has already appeared on ERB, and they all come back: Napoleon, Beethoven, Joan of Arc, Genghis Khan, and Lincoln, plus the mustached cowboy from Clint Eastwood's verses standing in for Billy the Kid and a new cameo from Socrates, leaving Freud as the only member of the gang to be left out.
- Lewis and Clark elevate the rap battle to a whole new level by mind-gaming Bill and Ted, resulting in the latter pair wasting several lines either arguing with each other or doubting themselves.
Harry Houdini vs. David Copperfield
- With some of the best visuals in any rap battle to date, this one involves Houdini being locked in a crate and escaping from a pair of handcuffs, appearing behind a curtain in the place of his assistant, disappearing behind a burning dollar bill, and escaping from a straitjacket while a camera films it from below.
- Copperfield floats throughout Houdini's second verse.
- Criss Angel tries to become the third rapper but Houdini tells him to go away, thus becoming the first person to prevent a third rapper's appearance.
- How does Copperfield end his second verse and the rap entirely? Casually reference how Houdini died.
- Copperfield himself saw the rap battle and absolutely got a kick out of it.
Robocop vs. The Terminator
- They got a cameo right at the end from Arnold Schwarzenegger, in full Terminator costume!
- The closing line of Robocop's first verse::
Robocop: I'm Robocop and I got the flow to beat roided out C-3PO, I got the mic control like alt delete... Your move, creep!
- The Terminator gets a similar beatdown
T-800: Based on my detailed analysis of the lyrical structure of battle raps, it's time for your next shit verse and then... I'll be back!.
T-800: My rapping attack is a massive dispatch of bazookas and gats and grenades! That rapidly bashes your brains and dismantles that puny pea-shooter that fits in your leg!
- And from earlier in that verse
- Then there's Robocop's last line:
Robocop (while shooting out a grenade of the air): Nice try, but I'm too quick on the draw. What can go wrong for you will, creep, Murphy's Law!
- As well as T-800's closing verse:
T-800: I blow more steam through machines than a Barista! It's judgment day, baby, hasta la vista!
- Which is punctuated by the appearance of 2 ED-209s on the Terminator's side... to attack Murphy.
- Robocop shoots a grenade out of the air. A GRENADE.
- The Robocop costume Peter wears for the battle is a treat. It is a near exact replica of the original from the movie and Peter is able to dance in it and project the appropriate body language.
- Like the above: The endoskeleton hand The Terminator lifts up? That is the exact same prop used in Terminator 2: Judgment Day.
Philosophers East vs West
- Nietzsche makes spelling his own name awesome:
Nietzsche: I'm N-I-E-T-Z-S-C-H-E,Nietzsche: and I'll end any motherfucker like my name in a spelling bee!
- Sun Tzu gets his own awesome name verse:
Sun Tzu: So you'd better get your guns outSun Tzu: These white boys getting burned, cause guess whatSun Tzu: Now the sun's out
- Lao Tzu beatboxing while Confucius drops a rapid-fire verse was an impressive moment for the Eastern side.
Confucius: Let me be Candide with you, Voltaire,Confucius: French drip with the egg noodle hair,Confucius: your ego's just so distracting.Confucius: Free speech doesn't mean just keep yapping!Confucius: And you killed God, so I gotta ask:Confucius: Did he die of shame when he made your mustache?Confucius: You tried to plant a new German psyche,Confucius: but you just grew hate: Me no Third Reichy!
- What really makes this impressive is that cuts to Voltaire and Nietzsche show they're taking Confucius's criticisms to heart...albeit because of the stuff he said about their hair.
- Sun Tzu takes the mind games in Lewis and Clark vs. Bill and Ted and puts them up a notch, completely collapsing the team dynamic of the Western Philosophers by referring to Nietzsche and Voltaire as Socrates's students. He does the same thing to his own team in the heat of the moment, but it's easily the most impressive act of lyrical sabotage in the rap battles so far.
- Socrates is so highly respected that nobody directly attacks him except for one line by Nietzsche, who was known to be contemptuous of Socratic thought. Even Sun Tzu's barb at him wasn't really directed at him but at setting Nietzsche off.
- The beat itself is probably the best one in the history of the franchise, especially when the yells of "Yeah" stop and the music gets loud and explosive.
Shaka Zulu vs Julius Caesar
- The visual effects and research put into this battle are especially praiseworthy, particularly in getting the Zulu's famous fighting formation done accurately.
- Shaka spends most of his verses threatening Caesar, and he's very good at it.
Shaka: When I go hand-to-hand with you, I go hammer!Shaka: Knock off his dome, wrap it up in his own banner!Shaka: Send it back to Rome with a message from the Zulu:Shaka: if you battle (Shaka!), this will happen (to you!)Shaka: If you cross that Equator, you'll head straight into a massacre,Shaka: and get fucked by more than just Cleopatra in Africa!Shaka: Watcha gonna do with ya Roman swordsShaka: when the lines of your legions get gored by the hornsShaka: of the (Zulu!) warriors! Trained on thorns!Shaka: To dismember any emperor's pasty white hordes!
- However, Caesar is not so easily intimidated.
Caesar: You talk a lot of shit for a man wearing a diaper.Caesar: I heard you had poison spit: where was it in this cypher?Caesar: 'Cause all I hear is threats from a brute with no discipline,Caesar: and I'm ruling over you like a boot full of my citizens!Caesar: Ask my kidnappers if I'm just a shit talkerCaesar: Doc J Dunk on ya like Boom Shaka Laka!Caesar: Ooh, can I be a hyena? 'Cause I'm going to laugh.Caesar: I'll pave roads with the bones of your goat-herding ass!Caesar: First, my front lines will drop back and spank you in the chest,Caesar: Then I'll decimate your horns: you can't outflank the best!Caesar: Let your reserves come at me: my ballista's cocked and (ready!)Caesar: When I take (aim!) I always keep my whole crew (steady!)
Jim Henson vs Stan Lee vs. Walt Disney
- Jim Henson goes for the throat with his first verse.
Henson: And I'm clenching all your strings like you're a puppet in suspension!Henson: Call your superhero friends in...Kermit: Yeah, 'cause you're gonna need Avengin'!Henson: Let me mention: I'm impressed by all the vision that it tookHenson: for you to sign your nameKermit: on all of Jack Kirby's comic books!
- In response, Stan Lee doesn't spare any venom on his second.
Lee: Oh, you taught children to...count and spell~!Lee: Then you taught your own kids how to drop your wife harder than you flopped on SNL!
- Disturbing as he is, Walt Disney's ability to boast about his power is unquestionable.
Chorus: M-I-C...Disney: I ROCK THE MIC PROPERLY!Chorus: K-E-Y!Disney: TURNING PROFITS, I'VE GOT THE KEY!Disney: I'M THE JUGGERNAUT OF STACKING KNOTS UNSTOPPABLY!Disney: THE DISNEY LAND LORD OF YOUR INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY!Disney: I'M POWERFUL ENOUGH TO MAKE A MOUSE GIGANTIC!Disney: WITH ONLY THREE CIRCLES, I DOMINATE THE PLANET!Disney: CLEARLY, THERE'S NOBODY NEAR ME!Disney: I'M OWNING THIS BATTLE: IN FACT, I OWN THIS WHOLE SERIES!Disney: SO HOP ON MY STEAMBOAT BOYS, BUT DON'T ROCK IT!Disney: I'LL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND GREEN IN YOUR POCKET!