Funny / The Simpsons Season 12

The Simpsons Funny Moments Index
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Moments pages are Spoilers Off. You Have Been Warned.

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249 - "Treehouse of Horror XI"

A - G-G-Ghost D-D-Dad:

• Homer goes about his day despite his deadly horoscope:
  Homer: Hehe, stupid horoscope!
  (a Planet Hollywood sign destroys half the car)
  Homer: Hehe, stupid horoscope!
  (a pickaxe goes flying through the windshield and embeds itself in Homer's head)
  Homer: Hehe, bloopid bloroblope!
• The horoscope also predicts Homer will get a compliment from a handsome coworker, which becomes sort of true when Lenny compliments the snake biting Homer.
  Homer: He'll get tired in an hour. Snakes. Nature's quitters.
• Over dinner, Homer tells the family that nothing happened except for the rattlesnake, the pickaxe and the testicle incident.
• After he dies from choking on broccoli, Homer has to do a good deed to in order to go to heaven. The first thing he tries? Eating the same piece of broccoli that killed him in the first place, which kills him again.
• Dr. Hibbert examining Homer's corpse:
  Hibbert: (solemnly) Anoter broccoli-related death.
  Marge: But I thought broccoli was...
  Hibbert: Oh, yes. One of the deadliest plants on Earth. Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.
• When Marge tells Homer a bunch of chores to help him go to Heaven, Homer stops her and tells her "I want to get into heaven. I'm not running for Jesus."
• When Ghost!Homer lifts Principal Skinner's mom Agnes into the air in order to help her cross the street more easily, she complains that people can see up her dress now, then Homer, partly by accident and partly out of frustration, drops her into traffic which kills her.
  Homer: Um, I'm pretty sure she was going to be the next Hitler!

B - Scary Tales Can Come True

• Homer being so heavy he accidentally scalps Rapunzel while climbing her hair.
• Lisa's succinct reaction to being thrown into the woods by Homer after losing his job as an oaf and running into the remains of their "other brother and sister."
  Lisa: Face it, they're not great parents.
• The witch tries to claim she has a boyfriend called "George Cauldron", which Bart and Lisa are rightfully skeptical about ("I got me a date with Ed Ladle.") but when they and Homer shove her into the oven, her date shows up.
  George: Is Suzanne ready yet?
  Homer: (adjusting the oven's thermostat) Give her another twenty minutes.
  George: But the concert starts at eight!

C - Night Of The Dolphin

• As the dolphins march on to land, one gets caught in a volleyball net, and panics.
  Dolphin: It's a trap! They have nets!
  (Snorky comes over and frees him, before slapping him in the face)
• Kent Brockman starts warning about the killer Dolphins until he sees his camera crew being held hostage by said Dolphins, he then awkwardly tries to act like he was talking about "killer Italians" instead.

250 - "A Tale of Two Springfields"

• Homer wonders why Bart and Lisa are looking intently at the doghouse of Santa's Little Helper.
  Homer: Television broken?
  Bart: No, there's a badger in there.
  Homer: Badger my ass, it's probably Milhouse. Milhouse? Milhouse?
  (He sticks his head inside the doghouse and gets mauled by the badger, screaming and wailing from the pain.)
  Homer: Owww! Oooh! [looks at his arm] It's a badger, alright. Or possibly a griffin. Bart, do you have any dynamite in your room?
  Bart: Tons.
  Homer: Get it.
• When Homer decides to call the people who built the Berlin Wall, he gets the tri-tone.
  Marge: (rolls her eyes) Homer...
  Homer: (eye twitch) It's ringing!
• The educational film on area codes.
• Bart loses his frisbee and his shorts to Jimbo, Kearney, and Dolph due to being on their side of the park. He then remarks that his homework is on their side of the park, and it cuts to them intently studying.
  Dolph: What does freedom mean to me?
• Homer turning off the power to "Olde Springfield" resulting in Dr Hibbert having to perform heart surgery on Krusty in the dark and Dr Frink's experiment of attempting to bring back Issac Newton going horribly wrong, resulting in only his legs coming back and running around and repeatedly kicking Frink.
• While Bart and Homer try sneaking into The Who's hotel room, they're found by a security guard.
  Bart: Give him the chloroform!
  Homer: Oh! I'll give you this bottle of chloroform if you take us to The Who.

Deleted Scenes

• Daltry's dismissal of Marge was initially much more vulgar:
  Roger Daltry: How ya doin' out there, New Springfield?
  Marge: To be honest, it's a little chilly. (is hit by a mic)
  Roger Daltry: Shut the fuck up, Marge.

251 - "Insane Clown Poppy"

• Bart and Homer using fireworks to do their chores.
• Milhouse getting attacked by the book fair attendees ("Their hands were everywhere")
• Stephen King's novel about Benjamin Franklin.
• Christopher Walken reading "Goodnight Moon".
• Moe: Maya Angelou is black?!
• Homer's prayer after news of Krusty having a child is spread:
  Homer: Dear Lord bless this humble meal, and did you hear about Krusty? Whoa man! I mean I knew he was a player but geez a kid-
  Marge: Homer that's not a prayer that's gossip.
  Homer: Fine I'll just discuss Heavenly matters. So how's Maude Flanders doing up there? She playing the field? Oh yeah really? All those guys-
  (Cut to the rest of the family who look shocked and horrified)
  Homer: ...Amen

252 - "Lisa the Tree Hugger"

• "You can't silence the truth with bean-bags!"
• In discussion with the activist leader, there's this:
  Lisa: I was thinking of going vegan.
  Jessie: Oh, I'm a level 5 vegan. I won't eat anything that casts a shadow.
• The "This Land is Your Land" parody, especially Moe's Hollywood Tone-Deaf Non Sequitur solo. ("I poured some onions / Inside my trousers...")

253 - "Homer vs. Dignity"

• Just about everything — especially the panda rape!
• Homer's "Financial Panther" Imagine Spot.
• Mr. Burns' reaction to Smithers writing a play about the Malibu Stacey doll.
  "A show about a doll? Hehe! Why not do a musical about the common cat or the King of Siam? Give it up, Smithers."
  • Not to mention: "There's a new Mexico?"
  • When Smithers makes his request, Mr. Burns presses a trapdoor button but nothing happens. Smithers says he disabled the button.
• Mr. Burns and the vending machine.
  Mr. Burns: Ah, a candy shop. Yes, I'll take two pounds of Bristol's Toffee. Oh, and don't wrap it too tightly. I'm hungry now. (nothing happens) You have made a powerful enemy today, my friend.
• Mr. Burns getting Homer to start being his prank monkey:
  Mr. Burns: I'm a bored and joyless old man. Give me a larf!
  Homer: A larf? Okay, what's in the news today...
  Mr. Burns: Oh for the love... Hurl this (pudding) at that! (Lenny)
  Homer: At Lenny?! But he's a war hero!
  Mr. Burns: Well, let's decorate him then!
  Homer: No!
  Mr. Burns: Not even for...four dollars?
  (Homer throws the pudding)
  Lenny: OW! My eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!
  Mr. Burns: (laughing) That was capital! My lung is aching!
  Homer: I liked when I threw the pudding!
  Mr. Burns: Do it again, I'll make it an even eight!
  Homer: You're the boss!
  (Homer throws another pudding)
  Lenny: OWWW!!! I'm in hell!
  Mr. Burns: Let's keep the laughs coming, Simpson! What do you say I make you my "executive in charge of recreation," or, better yet, my prank monkey!
  Homer: Will you keep giving me money?
  Mr. Burns: I can't have my monkey running around in rags.
  Homer: WOO-HOO!
  (Homer throws another pudding, this time at Carl)
  Carl: HEY!
  Mr. Burns: (horrified) What are you doing, man?! That's Carl!

254 - "The Computer Wore Menace Shoes"

• Basically everything in the second half, from the clever references to The Prisoner (1967), to the Faux-Homer with the terrible German accent who replaces him at home after he's sent to the Island ("Aren't there any evil movies on? Maybe something about an evil island?"), to the bizarre koala with the funny glasses at the end. It's one of the funnier episodes of Season 12.
• Homer publishes about Mr. Burns selling uranium to some terrorists. About five seconds later, the FBI arrests Mr Burns!
  • Some fumes from the uranium go into the air vent where Homer is hiding. He passes out and his notepad falls to the ground. Mr. Burns takes one look at it and puts it back in the vent.
    Mr. Burns: This place is falling apart!
• Homer's website has separate images for his face and the bag that covers it, so while it's loading, it gives away his identity for a split second before the bag loads.
• The Springfield Police Department website:
  Wiggum: (as a digitized image on the screen) If you've committed a crime and you want to confess, click "Yes". Otherwise, click "No". (Homer clicks "No") You have chosen "No", meaning you've committed a crime, but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. (A flashing image of a police wagon appears on the corner)
  Homer: Hey!!
  Wiggum: While you wait, why not buy a police cap or T-shirt? (T-shirts and baseball caps with the SPD logo circle Wiggum's head) You have the right to remain fabulous! (the screen flashes "NOW 80% OFF")
• Skinner watches Homer's website at night, when suddenly, his mom has the urgency to ask:
  Agnes: Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies?!
  Skinner: No, mother!
  Agnes: You sissy!
  Skinner: Ugh... (cue Skinner rolling his eyes and facepalming in exasperation)
• The secret conspiracy that gets Homer caught: Flu shots are filled with mind-control fluid to drive people into a shopping frenzy.
  Number 2: That's why flu shots are given just before Christmas.
  Homer: Of course, it's so simple! No, wait, it's needlessly complex!
  Number 2: Yes, it is.

255 - "The Great Money Caper"

• Bart begs Homer to come clean about grifting and lying, but Homer repeatedly tells Bart to see how the trial plays out. After Skinner is shot, Homer finally stops the phony trial: "Stop! This has gone on just long enough!"
• Ralph saying, "I look like cable TV" after being covered in fake blood.
• There are a couple of good exchanges when Homer and Bart find Grampa in their treehouse.
  • This:
  Homer: Dad?
  Abe: That's right! (smokes a pipe)
  Bart: You don't smoke a pipe!
  Abe: That's right! (coughs)
  • And:
  Abe: I wrote the book on flim-flamming!
  Bart: (turns book around to reveal a picture of a younger Abe on the back cover) Wow! He did!
• The ending, as a great sendup of the Gainax Ending trope:
  Homer (sic): So the entire town and a big Hollywood actor had nothing more to do than to teach me a lesson?
  Lisa: I know it may seem far-fetched, even insulting to your intelligence, but there's a simple, logical explanation to...
  (Otto bursts in with surfboard and full beach gear)
  Otto: Hey, everybody! Surf's up!
  (Everyone excitedly clamors and files out of the courtroom, the scene cutting to every character in the episode (including the Cosmonauts) surfing like there's no tomorrow for thirty solid seconds to the credits)

256 - "Skinner's Sense of Snow"

• The Simpsons at the Cirque de Puree show.
  Marge: It's hauntingly beautiful, isn't it?
  (Homer whimpers as a male performer's crotch is gyrating a little too close to his face)
  • When the show stops early due to an incoming storm:
    Homer: Oh no you don't! I paid full price for this freak show! Now, nourish the child within me! (shakes fist) Nourish!
• The crappy Christmas movie burning out in the class projector — not because the film was damaged, but because Principal Skinner tried to play a DVD in the projector.
• Upon realizing they're snowed in:
  Nelson: We're trapped in the school!
  Kids: Aaaahh!
  Milhouse: We're gonna miss Christmas!
  Kids: Aaaaahhhh!
  Skinner: I fixed the DVD!
  Kids: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
• The food choices while they're trapped in the school.
  Uter: I'm so hungry! I want more!
  Willie: You heard the principal. Everyone gets one apple, and a handful of relish.
  Skinner: If you don't eat your relish, you're not getting any mayonnaise!
• After failing to control the kids, Skinner hides in his office.
  Skinner: Think, Seymour! Think! What would Superintendent Chalmers do?
  Chalmers: [in thought bubble] SKINNER!!!
  Skinner: Well, that's no help. [sits down on an army footlocker] Ah, my old footlocker. Back in 'Nam, I could command respect.
  [flashback to a Viet Cong POW camp, where Skinner and two American soldiers are imprisoned]
  Soldier 1: Sarge, let's make a break for it while the guards are partying with Jane Fonda.
  Skinner: Nope. Too dangerous. We're just gonna sit quietly and reminisce about candy bars.
  Soldier 2: Uh, one time, I'm eatin' a candy bar at the beach, and this girl starts taking off her bathin' suit...
  Skinner: Get back to the candy bar!
  Soldier 1: Screw this! I'm gettin' outta here! [runs through the bamboo wall]
  Skinner: No, you fool! [he and the other soldier watch in horror as the escapee is eaten by an elephant wearing a coolie hat]
  Skinner: [back in the present] That elephant ate my entire platoon...well I'm not gonna let it happen again!
• Skinner being forced to write "I Ain't Not a Dorkus" on the blackboard
  Skinner: I can't write this, it's a grammatical nightmare!
• "Good work, Nibbles! Now...chew through my ball sack!"
• Bart forcing the captive Skinner to write on the chalkboard and climb a rope in the gym.
  Bart: Mao! Didi Mao!
• Homer envisioning Lisa as a camel. "HAAAWWWWWW! HAAAWWWWWW!"

257 - "HOMR"

• Homer going to the bathroom while in an animation suit, and the dog onscreen doing the same thing.
• The fact that "Huh, what is this crap?" immediately translates to "FOX Broadcasting" over the automated stock phone line.
• Bart watching anime, ahem, Japanimation:
  Princess Tempura: Your laughter is incorrect! Prawn power!
• When Homer finds out Animotions stocks bottomed out.
  Homer: Ohh, I hope plunging means up, and 75 means 200!
• Homer talking to himself at the bank.
• "Are you sure you understand the risks of stock ownership?"
  Homer and imaginary chorus girls: We're in the money! We're in the money!
• Homer as a test subject:
  • First, he's sprayed with a perfume that burns his skin on contact, so the scientists decide to sell it anyway under the name "Desert Breeze".
  • When he takes an appetite suppressant, it seems to work until he's asked if he doesn't feel like eating the food in front of him, then it's revealed that it made him blind. One scientist asks who will buy a pill that makes you blind, and another scientist says that they'll let marketing worry about it.
  • He performs a reflex test involving hitting three buttons as they light up, but a rat keeps beating him to it. The rat wasn't a lab rat, he brought it in with him.
• ''Lunkheadz: A place for drooling.
  • Disney store!
• During Homer's presentation at Springfield Elementary:
  Nelson: Question!
  Homer: Yes, Nelson.
  Nelson: A moron says "what"?
  Homer: Not being a moron, I wouldn't know. However, [unintelligible].
  Nelson: What?
  Homer: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your moron.
  Nelson: [groans]
  Rest of class: [pointing at Nelson] Ha-ha!

258 - "Pokey Mom"

• Homer is in the prison hospital, after being injured at the rodeo.
  Marge: How's your back, Homey?
  Homer: I can't complain. (points to a sign which reads, "No Complaining")
  Warden: Ah, that's for the prisoners. You can complain all you want.
  Homer: Oh, God, my back! It hurts so much! And my job is so unfulfilling!
• After Homer gets thrown out of the prison, Marge storms out with him, but not before deciding to try and work at the prison to help Jack with his artwork. We then cut back to Bart lifting weights in the prison yard with Lisa.
  Lisa: Um, they are coming back for us, right?
  Bart: I'unno.
• For some reason Marge's sundaes are inedible.
• This twice-done joke:
  Marge: Welcome to "Freeing the Artist Within". Not literally, of course. (chuckles) (someone in the class cocks their gun)
  • And later:
    Skinner: You know, when Superintendent Chalmers suggested a school mural, I almost thought he said a school Muriel! (no laughter from crowd) Muriel's his sister, and uh... (gun cocks) Thank you very much, Bruce Vilanch.
    Bruce Vilanch: Whoopi would've made it work.

259 - "Worst Episode Ever"

• The sight gag of Nelson Muntz, Sideshow Bob, and Matt Groening being on the Comic Book Guy's "Banned for Life" wall.
• Homer giggling as baking soda foam spews from his mouth during his antacid trip.
• One of the places Bart and Milhouse go to on their $50 spending spree...is a laundromat.
  Milhouse: My mom doesn't believe in fabric softener, but she's not around! Ha ha ha ha!
  Bart: I'm picking the next thing.
• The fight in the comic store between Bart and Milhouse, which starts with Milhouse taking off his glasses...then immediately puts them back on. They then grab transforming toys: Bart's turns into an ax and Milhouse's...turns into a watering can. Despite this, Milhouse still gains the upper hand.
  Milhouse: Eat watering can, partner!
• Comic Book Guy's collection includes: Alien Autopsy, Illegal Alien Autopsy, Godfather III: Good Version.
• The Mr. Rogers Drunk bootlegged video.
  "What do you mean I can't take off my sweater? I'M HOT!"
• "Now, I must warn you: once this next tape starts, it will not stop...because that button is broken."
• Chief Wiggum calling Lou out on his anti-Asian similes (his line about how Comic Book Guy has more pirated videos than a Chinese K-Mart and is going to be in more hot water than a Japanese tea bag). Also the dialogue in-between:
  Chief Wiggum: Son, are these yours?
  Milhouse: No, sir. We're just showing them for profit without permission.
  Chief Wiggum: Okay, fair enough.
• The three cops reacting with disgust when they find Agnes Skinner and Comic Book Guy in bed together, and Chief Wiggum promising to let Comic Book Guy off his possession of illegal videos charge if he puts on some clothes.

260 - "Tennis the Menace"

• While Homer is in the shower, Bart finds he can raise and lower the temperature of his water through the kitchen sink. He uses it to make Homer shriek to the tune of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.
• Homer getting nailed in the groin by a tennis ball.
• Homer crying over the fact that tennis is not the same as foxy-boxing (or as he calls it, "The sport where chicks whale on each other")
• Grampa singing, What's New Pussycat? and crying out in pain from his creaking joints.
• The scene at Mr. Burns' human chess board, which used to be his tennis court.
  Black Pawn: Hey, Burns has been gone for a while.
  Black Rook: Let's make a run for it!
  [the two run off, leaving the Black King unprotected]
  Black King: Come back, fools! Protect me!
  [the Black King gets beaten by the White Queen, Bishop, and Rook]
• Bart getting trapped in a coffin with a built in-camera. The tombstone has a television with picture-in-picture and Homer uses it to watch a basketball game with Bart panicking in a corner.
• Homer stealing money from Pete Sampras' wallet so they can buy dinner.

261 - "Day of the Jackanapes"

• Marge's line about how TV shows should end before they become stale and repetitive — only for Smithers to come in and shout, "Maggie shot Mr. Burns again!". The family looks exasperated while Smithers looks embarrassed.
• Bob walks into another rake, and proclaims them his arch-enemies over Bart.
• Even Krusty, a huge sell-out, is disgusted by the Executive Meddling he's exposed to. The last straw: one of them requests he change "pee" to "whiz" before the other brings up that this could upset the Cheez Whiz people.
• Bart tricking Sideshow Bob by yelling "Hey stupid!" at him.
• Dr. Hibbert appearing on Krusty's show to hound for a donation.
  Krusty: And if my banker's watching let nothing STOP you from PAYMENT of this check.
• Krusty's failed appearance on Laugh-In where his door gets stuck.

262 - "New Kids on the Blecch"

• Comic Book Guy dresses as the Flash for the Springfield marathon:
  Comic Book Guy: No one can outrun the Flash! (falls into an open manhole and due to his girth, is stuck halfway through) Curses! One of my super-foes has set a trap for me! (He tries and falls to squeeze himself out of the hole)
• Also during the marathon, it appears that Abe is running as well, however:
  Marge: Hey, Grandpa is running!
  Lisa: That's not Grandpa, Dad's just dehydrated.
  (The man resembling Abe runs past a water table, grabs a cup and splashes it on himself , reversing his wrinkles and revealing it was Homer after all.)
• Lisa realizes the subliminal messages of Bart's songs:
  Lisa: Otto, you're being brainwashed!
  Otto: Yeah, probably! Yvan eht nioj!
• Lisa confronts Lt. Smash:
  Lt. Smash: It's a three pronged attack. Subliminal, liminal and superliminal!
  Lisa: Superliminal?
  Lt. Smash: I'll show ya (leans out the window) Hey, you! Join the navy!
  Carl: Uh, yeah, alright.
  Lenny: I'm in!
  Lt. Smash: Of course, now that you know this... I can't let you leave.
  (Turns around and Lisa is gone. He turns back to the window to see her already halfway down the street.)
  Lt. Smash: Oh.
• The Reveal of his real name - "Yeah, I'm not L.T. Smash. I'm Lt. L.T. Smash."
• The Stinger, with *NSYNC extolling the virtues of the navy.
  "We've had a lot of fun today, but it was at the expense of the navy. The men and women of the navy are protecting us 24/7 from such bad guys as Godzilla and jellyfish! So head over to your enlistment office and sign up for a 2- or 4-year hitch! We signed JC up just a few minutes ago!"
• Homer: Oh Lisa, it doesn't mean anything. Like "Ramma-lamma-ding-dong," or "Give peace a chance."
• *NSYNC arriving on the aircraft carrier by speedboat, and immediately stating "We heard what you said!"
• Milhouse completely failing geography:
  Milhouse: The Statue of Liberty?! Where are we?!
• The peek inside the MAD office, as writers are coming up with jokes.
  Writer #1: Why don't we call it Everybody Hates Raymond?
  Writer #2: Well, we stayed up all night, but it was worth it.

263 - "Hungry, Hungry Homer"

• The short song Homer makes up to keep himself busy. What really makes it funny is that Dan Castellaneta adlibbed the lyrics during production.
  Homer: (singing and shuffling his feet while chained to the lawn chair) Dancin' away my hunger pangs. Movin' my feet so my stomach won't hurt. I'm kinda like Jesus, but not in the sacreligious way.
• Homer gets so hungry, he starts crawling towards a pretzel when he hallucinates:
  Homer: Who are you?
  Man: The spirit of Cesar Chavez.
  Homer: Why do you look like Cesar Romero?
  Chavez: Because you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like.
• Also, when Homer is trying to convince Sherri to go to a dance with Bart.
  Homer: Come on, why won't you go out with Bart?
  Sherri: He's a smelly, ugly dork.
  Homer: Please, "ugly" is such a smelly word. Who would you rather go out with?
  Sherri: Tommy. (indicates a handsome boy bathed in an angelic glow)
  Homer: Well, duh! He's breathtaking. But Bart has inner beauty, like you'd find in a rodent. (cut to Bart, gnawing rat-like on a cracker, then back to Homer)
• Homer's search for the executive office.
  Homer: Is this the executive office of the ball club?
  Equipment Manager: No, this is the equipment shed.
  Homer: Oh. Well, is that it?
  Equipment Manager: No, that's where we keep the water heater.
  Homer: Is...?
  Equipment Manager: That's a tractor.
  Homer: I see.
• "So are you calling Mr Simpson a liar?" "Well, we have obtained this footage of him with his pants on fire."
• Homer building an apple out of ham cubes.
• When Marge asks Maggie if she wants to go to Block-Land, she's so enthusiastic that she gets in her car seat and hops it out the front door. The rest of the family finds this adorable - until she somehow starts the car.
• During Homer's hunger strike, the rest of the family has to eat his portion of dinner, which leads to the kids getting considerably chubbier.
  Marge: There's still more meatloaf.
  Bart: Oh, it's impossible.
  Marge: Come on, come on. We all have to pitch in and eat your father's share.
  Lisa: Why don't you just cook less?
  Marge: (completely serious) I don't do things that way, Lisa.
• And, of course:
  Duffman: Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem!

264 - "Bye, Bye Nerdie"

• Marge races the bus and manages to catch it, about 5 feet from the school.
  Marge: I won! You kids get on that bus.
  Lisa: But Mom, the school's right there.
  Marge: I won, Lisa. Don't take that away from me.
• Homer's explanation for why he hasn't left for work yet:
  Homer: They said that if I come in late one more time, I'm fired. I can't take that chance!
• Groundskeeper Willie bailing on checking tapes with Lisa all because a paper towel roll was almost empty.
• Milhouse's reply when Lisa asks him whether he remembers his first day at school:
  Milhouse: (joyfully) Not as long as I keep takin' these! (holds up medication bottle labeled "Repressitol")
• The scene where Lisa swabs Drederick Tatum with nerd sweat, which compels Nelson to ineffectually punch and wedgie the boxer, much to Nelson's terror and Tatum's annoyance.
  Nelson: (almost crying) I'm so sorry! Please don't hurt me!
  Tatum: (rolling up sleeve) You leave me little recourse.
• Professor Frink's strategy for getting an auditorium full of scientists to shut up and pay attention.
  Professor Frink: PI IS EXACTLY THREE!
• Homer 'baby-proofing' the electrical outlets by drawing bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away.
  Marge: She's not afraid of bunnies.
  Homer: She will be.

Deleted Scenes

• Chief Wiggum with a hummingbird flying near his open mouth: "You'll scare it away."

265 - "Simpson Safari"

• This priceless gem...
  Homer: The Simpsons are going to Africa!
  (cut to two Africans dancing around a fire; one of them stops)
  Tribesman: (subtitled) What is it, N'gungo?
  N'gungo: Evil is coming.
  Tribesman: What shall we do, N'gungo?
  N'gungo: (puts his mask on the tribesman) You are N'gungo now! (runs away screaming)
• The Simpsons meet Dr. Bushwell.
  Lisa: Your work has really inspired me, Doctor! And I love your sensible ponytail.
  Dr. Bushwell: Well, thank you. [to a monkey at her side] See, Jojo? She likes it. [Jojo rolls his eyes in contemptuous disregard]
• Homer's blunt analysis of Dr. Bushwell's daily routine.
  Dr. Bushwell: Every day I get up at five-thirty, watch the chimps, eat a quick lunch of roots and water, then more chimp-watching. After dark I come home and think about chimps until it's time for bed.
  Homer: You must be the most boring woman on earth.
• Bart's reaction when Dr. Bushwell is revealed to use the chimps to work a diamond mine.
  Bart: I think we should look at her research before we condemn her completely. (everyone, even Greenpeace, stares at him) I haven't said anything in a while.

266 - "Trilogy of Error"

• Homer feeding Lisa's grammar robot Linguo beer, thinking that he's a party robot. Maybe he thought of someone else?
• Flanders reading a Harry Potter book to Todd, bowdlerizing the ending by telling them that Harry Potter went to Hell for practicing witchcraft (which was a criticism of the series by ultra conservative religious groups when it first came out), then throwing the book in the fireplace.
• Dr. Nick: Inflammable means flammable? What a country!
• Marge throws Linguo at the Mafia:
  Louie: Hey! They's throwing robots!"
  Linguo: They are throwing robots!
  Legs: He's disrespecting us! Shut up you face!
  Linguo: Shut up your face!
  Legs: Whassamatta you?
  Louie: You ain't so big!
  Legs: Me and him are going to whack you in the labonzza!
  Linguo: Bad... Grammar... Overload! Error! Error! (Explodes)
• After Linguo explodes, his head falls near Homer, who picks it up:
  Homer: Linguo... dead?!
  Linguo: Linguo... is... dead. (Homer closes Linguo's eyes)
• Also when Lisa is repairing Linguo:
  Lisa: Now, just lay still.
  Linguo: Lie still.
  Lisa: I knew that. Just testing.
  Linguo: Sentence fragment.
  Lisa: "Sentence fragment" is also a sentence fragment.
  Linguo: (eyes move back and forth as it thinks) Must conserve battery power. (shuts itself down)
• Lisa and Homer sneak out of breakfast:
  Lisa: Dad, I know a way to get out of this. (out loud) Say, Dad, would you like to see my project for the school science fair?
  Homer: No, Lisa, but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast! (winks)
• After Marge apologizes for severing Homer's thumb.
  Homer: Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge!
• Chief Wiggum intends to arrest Marge, so she gives her address as 123 Fake Street. This becomes a Brick Joke when it turns out the address is real, and it's also where Bart and Milhouse happen to be hiding.
• Chief Wiggum recruiting Bart and Milhouse:
  Wiggum: Your mission is to find the firework smugglers and get them to say something incriminating on this tape.
  Bart: Hootie & the Blowfish?
  Wiggum: Yeah, it's cheaper than blank tape.

267 - "I'm Goin' to Praiseland"

• Homer's tall stack of ice cream hitting a power line and falling on his head.
• Disco Stu meeting Frank Sinatra in his version of Heaven (a disco where he gets let in before John Travolta in his Saturday Night Fever days), and Sinatra telling him that Disco Stu's heaven is Sinatra's hell.

268 - "Children of a Lesser Clod"

• When Lisa is trying out the Gymnastics class for free at the open house of the Springfield YMCA:
  Coach Lugash: What a little angel! How old are you?
  Lisa: Eight.
  Lugash: Eight? Too old! Go home, grandma!
• Homer trying to escape from the hospital by looking offscreen and crying "Hey, look a bear!", then a bear coming to shake its head sadly over his immediate failure to escape.
• The video clip of Homer chasing Bart with a chain mace and yelling, "I'll mace you good!"
  Homer: Hey! That is completely taken out of context!
• Bart getting tricked into attending an etiquette class by a gangsta rapper (who happens to be the husband of the teacher).
  Bart: But the black man said—
  Teacher: Are you accusing my husband of misleading you? Good gracious, I should bust a cap in your ass.
• Arnie Pie narrating Homer's disastrous escape.
  Arnie: He's jumping out of the car, Kent! He's trying to climb over the fence! Now he's realizing he's too fat! He's digging a hole like a dog! Now he's given up on that and he's running back and forth! He's climbing into a pipe and he seems to be stuck! His legs are dangling in a comical fashion! Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen!
  Kent Brockman: Arnie, Arnie, how are the children?
  Arnie: I can't see through metal, Kent!
  (The Springfield Police arrive at the stolen Police prisoner transport truck, draw their guns, and point them at [stuck] Homer.)
  Chief Wiggum: Alright, fatty! Outta the pipe!
• Krusty hosting the Good Guy awards.
  Krusty: (singing) I'm a nice guy, I'm a hell of a guy, and tonight we honor you! (to the orchestra) STOP THE MUSIC! STOP IT! One more line and we have to pay for the song!
• Ned asks Homer to babysit Rod and Todd while he goes to a Christian rock concert. However, he didn't realize he got tickets to a Chris Rock concert, instead. Afterwards, he tells Homer "I never heard a preacher use the 'm-f' word so many times.".

269 - "Simpsons Tall Tales"

• From the framing story:
  Hobo: Now don't worry—I'm not a stabbin' hobo, I'm a singin' hobo! (produces a banjo) Nothin' beats the hobo life/Stabbin' folks with my hobo knife...

A - Paul Bunyan

• The scene where Paul Bunyan (Homer) runs to Marge from a distance and her reaction to seeing a giant man come toward her.

B - Connie Appleseed

• When Connie changes her name to Appleseed her family counters by changing theirs to Bufflekill.
• Homer singing Cleaning my gun with the safety off, safety off, safety off...
• Connie warning people about wiping off the buffalo only to be responded with laughter, even from the buffalos.
• "Oh, boy! Buffalo testicles!"

Tom and Huck

• After Judge Thatcher (Homer) forces Huckleberry Finn (Nelson) into marrying Becky (Lisa), his wife (Marge) reminiscences over their own shotgun wedding.
  Marge: This reminds me of our shotgun wedding.
  (The sound of a gun ensues with Abe pointing the gun at them)
  Marge: Grampa, we've been married for years. When are you gonna put down that gun?
  (Puts the gun down)
  Abe: I reckon you're right.
  (Marge quickly runs out the door)
  Grampa: Hang it all!
• Dr. Hibbert singing "Old Man River" from Show Boat
• All the saloon customers whipping out Derringers. One fishes a Derringer out of a mug of beer. McAllister pulls one out of his beard. Another character takes out a Hand Cannon... and tips a Derringer out of its barrel. Then, when shooting does break out, the bullets bounce off everything they hit, including glass window panes and peoples' faces.

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