- Tony goes to a new shrink and claims that waste management is his line of work. The guy is Genre Savvy, rejects the complicated mobster and points out he has seen Analyze This. Tony unsuccessfully tries to argue that the movie was a fucking comedy.
- Paulie, when Tony finds out Don Zi Vittorio, the man he wanted make a deal with in Italy is senile:
Paulie: Ton, you give this guy a golf club, he'll probably try to fuck it.
- When Dr. Melfi waves to Tony while he's having dinner with his cronies, Big Pussy takes a moment to comment on the quality of what he assumes is yet another of Tony's amorous conquests.
Pussy: She had nice, pipe-fitter lips. No disrespect.
Tony: Hey, what do I give a fuck? I hardly know her.
Silvio: You mean you would take the lips ... over the tits?
Pussy: Trust me, my boy. There's two things I'm good at. That's pulling dents, and spottin' good blow jobs. And that sweetie had world-class blowjob lips.
- Silvio flips out when Matthew Bevilacqua tries to sweep up the crumbs beneath his seat in "The Happy Wanderer". It's pretty epic.
- The scene where Richie Aprile has a truckload of garbage dumped in the parking lot of a deli, simply because the owner complained about missed pick-ups. The owner's reactions are priceless.
Iranian Deli Owner: You are speaking shit to me!
- Tony is incensed at Richie Aprile's crippling of Beansie Gaeta, and sends Paulie and Silvio to strongly recommend to Richie that he make amends by paying to make Beansie's home wheelchair accessible.
Paulie: Richie, hey, you're gonna build Beansie a ramp.
Richie: I'll build a ramp up to your ass. Drive a Lionel up in there.
- Uncle Jun, remembering the "golden age" of the Mafia through somewhat rose-colored glasses, suggests to Tony that his feud with Richie doesn't necessarily have to end in bloodshed. Tony snarkily disagrees.
Junior: Even rival families settled their differences amicably.
Tony: Oh yeah, I remember that picture of Albert Anastasia lying there all "amicable" on the barbershop floor.
- A hard day at the office: the mobsters doing absolutely nothing.
- All of Tony's fever dreams from "Funhouse". Especially:
- The one where Tony is in Dr. Melfi's office, they confess feelings of sexual attraction to each other, and then they make love on a desk.
- The one where Tony is speaking to Pussy, who is in the body of a talking fish.
- Paulie visiting a psychic is hilarious. Especially when the guy seems to be in contact with Paulie's victims:
Psychic: Poison ivy? He wants to know if it still itches?
Paulie: Don't fuck with me! Who you been talkin' to?
- Tony finds out that Richie Aprile is going to finally make his move to take Tony out permanently. Tony asks Silvio for advice on the matter, and the trusted consigliere responds with his usual dark pragmatism -
Silvio: I genuinely don't think ... there's anything to gain by keeping him around.
- Tony and Carmela have their first joint therapy session with Dr. Melfi. It does not go well.
Carmela: Right, just sit there silence, anger. Then you pass out and you blame the rest of the fucking world.
Tony: Yeah, I love you too.
Dr. Melfi: You're both very angry.
Tony: You must've been in the top of your fucking class.
- After Janice steals Svetlana's prosthetic leg, Svetlana angrily curses about Janice in Russian, calling her a "slut sow".
- Svetlana retaliates by hiring two Russian thugs to force Janice to return the leg. Seeing one of them punch Janice is both amusing and satisfying.
- Eventually, Tony himself avenges this incident by beating up the Russian goon who hit Janice. Afterwards, Tony places the unconscious Russian in a Christmas store display.
- And Janice's narcoleptic religious boyfriend Aaron: "Have you heard the good news? He is risen." *falls asleep*
- Or when he comes to Carmella's birthday party, and Tony tries to offer him champagne.
Aaron: No champagne for me. The good Lord doesn't want us to drink alcohol.
Tony: Didn't Jesus drink wine?
Janice: Yeah, but...he was Jesus, Ton. We can't compare.
- Christopher's drug-fueled eulogy at Livia's wake.
- Tony's response to Meadow's boyfriend Noah Tannenbaum, AKA Jamal Ginsberg the Hassidic Homeboy, AKA the Oreo Cookie.
- When Bobby and Vito are standing next to each other, Paulie remarks:
"Look at this, it's like an ad for a fuckin' weight loss center! Before ... and way before!"
- Ralphie. "I HAVE COME TO RECLAIM ROME FOR MY PEOPLE!"
- All of "Pine Barrens", especially this gem:
Christopher: For all we know he could be out there stalking us.
Paulie: With what? His cock?
Tony: The guy you're looking for is an ex-commando. He killed 16 Chechen rebels single handed.
Paulie: Get the fuck outta here.
Tony: Yeah, nice, huh? He was with the interior ministry. Guy's some kind of Russian green beret. This guy cannot come back to tell this story, you understand?
Paulie: Ton'? Ton', you there?
Tony: Goddamn— fuck! Call me back!
Paulie [to Christopher]: You're not gonna believe this. He killed 16 Czechoslovakians! Guy was an interior decorator!
Christopher: His house looked like shit!
- Paulie and Christoper discuss the Cuban Missile Crisis:
Paulie How about the Cuban Missile Crisis? Cocksuckers moved nuclear warheads into Cuba, pointed 'em right at us.
Christopher: That was real? I saw that movie. I thought it was bullshit.
- Furio gets treated by a real "prick doctor" : "While you're here maybe he can give you a bulge" and "Doc, see if you can remove this ladies underwear"
- One kid revolting against "Bobby Claus": "Fuck You Santa!"
- Tony confronts Paulie over invading Christopher's apartment for a late night "inspection" and taking liberties with Adriana's unmentionables.
Tony: Did you sniff that girl's panties?
Paulie: He told you that? Fucking baby!
Tony: You got to apologize.
Paulie: T, I'm not apologizing to him.
Tony: You were out of line. He's gonna marry the girl, for Christs sake.
Paulie: As of the wedding day, anything that touches her pussy is off limits.
- Paulie Walnuts and Ralph Cifaretto interacting is comedy gold.
Paulie: You're late.
Ralph: Well tomorrow I can be on time, but you'll be stupid forever.
- Charmaine Bucco, who despises the idea of mobsters frequenting her and Artie's restaurant, takes the opportunity to troll the hell out of them, even as they lust after her hot new look.
Tony: It's the miracle of Christmas.
Paulie: Next the blind will see, and the lame will walk!
Charmaine: So, how is everything here so far, tonight?
Paulie: Much better now that we've cast our glims on you, sweetheart.
Tony: How you doin', 'mainy?
Charmaine: Fine, Tony-oni. Listen- I thought you'd wanna know: those two guys over there, at that table yeah? I think they're FBI.
(Tony, Paulie and Silvio react nervously)
(giggling): I'm kidding. I'm kidding, enjoy!
Silvio (to Artie): Your wife, her ass may be improved Artie, but—
Tony: Hey, hey, hey, come on, Sil.
Silvio: She's over here joking about the FBI. Since when is that funny?
- In the end of the season finale episode (An Army Of One"), when Meadow threw something at Junior while he's singing, she sings "Oops, I did it again" and then suddenly ran out after Tony turns around at her.
- Also from the above, Uncle Junior and Bobby Baccialeri arrive late to Jackie Jr.'s funeral, and swiftly discover the FBI is there arresting people. The elderly Uncle Jun beats a hasty retreat, jumping back into the car, nearly abandoning Bobby:
Uncle Junior: Jesus Christ, you told me 11:00!
Bobby: I'm sorry!
Uncle Junior:"Sorry!", that's all I hear!
(Silvio and Christopher are being herded into FBI cars; Junior runs back to his and guns the engine)
Bobby: Junior! Junior, don't leave me!
(Uncle Jun stops, Bobby hops in)
- All the scenes involving Big Mouth Billy Bass and Tony's, *ahem*, issues with it. Then on Christmas day he opens Meadow's gift, and finds she has bought him... a Big Mouth Billy Bass
- Ralph's infamous joke about Ginny Sacramoni's weight, saying that she recently "got a 90-pound mole removed from her ass".
- Johnny Sack vents his spleen to New York boss Carmine Lupertazzi, lobbying hard for harsh retribution against Ralph for the insult against his wife. Carmine shows little interest in his underboss' troubles, offering a relatively weak penalty, and takes a moment to comically miss the point-
Johnny Sack: $200,000 for insulting my wife? What's next, Carmine, he get to fuck her for $1 million?
Carmine: He wants to fuck her?
- Artie Bucco psyching himself up in front of the mirror before he attempts to intimidate Jean-Philippe into coughing up the money he owes him, really pathetic "Taxi Driver" style.
- Ralph Cifaretto's epic phone prank on Paulie's poor mother.
Ralph: Mrs. Marianucci Gualtieri?
Mrs. Gualtieri: Yes?
: This is detective Mike Hunt
, Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania Police Department. You have a son, Peter Paul?
Mrs. Gualtieri: Oh, my God, what happened?
Ralph: He's alright maam, but he's in a little trouble. We found him in a public men's room in Lafayette Park. l don't know how to put this delicately: he was sucking a Cub Scout's dick.
Mrs. Gualtieri: No, it's a mistake!
Ralph: Ma'am, I wish that was all. We had to have emergency surgery performed upon arrival at headquarters after discovery of a small rodent in the rectal passage.
Mrs. Gualtieri: Oh, my God!
Mrs. Gualtieri: Marone. I have Blue Cross Blue Shield. Is that all right?
Ralph: Ma'am, could you hold on for one second? I have the hospital on the other line.
(Ralph abruptly hangs up, and he, Vito Spatafore and Eugene Pontecorvo bust out into uproarious laughter)
- Christopher's drug intervention, which ends up with him being pounded six ways to Sunday. Then Tony ices the cakes at ER.
Tony: "Well, he was wearing socks."
- The guys don't seem that pissed off. Until they find out he accidentally fell asleep and suffocated the dog. Then they get pissed.
Tony: "You killed little Cosette! I oughta suffocate you, you little prick!"
- Silvio's short but sweet contribution to Christopher's intervention;
Silvio (reading his statement): "When I came in to open up one morning you had your head half in the toilet. Your hair was in the toilet water. Disgusting."
Christopher: I told you, I had the flu.
Silvio: I said my piece, Chrissy.
- Christopher reaction to Tony's speech about playing the minority-victim card: "He was gay, Gary Cooper?"
- Vito breaks a chair and falls off like a dead elephant.
- The bear in episode 1.
- "Hey, you're Annette Benning!"
- Junior absentmindedly wandering around the city in "Where's Johnny?".
- Paulie Walnuts and Feech La Manna's dispute over landscaping territory-
Paulie: Which entitles you to shit! In my book, you get points for staying outta the can!
- When Paulie first meets Finn, he asks "Shaggy" to clean dog feces off his tires and threatens to knock his teeth out. His facial expression when he finds out he's Meadow's boyfriend is priceless. He then he proceeds to suck up to him. 100% Paulie in a nutshell.
- Tony and Adriana laughing about and imitating Christophers disapproving expression, with Tony comparing him to a constipated owl.
- A discussion about Billy Budd. A close call between Carmela's clueless rant about homosexuality and Tony's "no offense", assuming one of Meadow's friends is gay and the ensuing disbelief when the boy replies he's not gay.
- Tony B calling Paulie Grampa Munster and telling him to "let the first coat dry before putting the second coat on".
- Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm doing a crossover in Junior's mind. The resemblance is certainly there.
- Tony S. and Tony B. mercilessly troll poor Christopher for abstaining from alcohol.
Tony: What the fuck's so funny about that? Doesn't even make sense.
Tony B.: Well, he's drunk.
Tony: Him? No way. He's in recovery.
Tony B.: Well if you recover your fuckin' balls, give us a call. We might like to hang out.
Tony: No, seriously, it's not funny. He's a 12-stepper, right?
Christopher: Well, yeah. You know that.
Tony: That's right.
Tony B.: Maybe he can take another couple of steps out the door so we could have some fun?
Tony B.: So, how do you like his car? Schwarzenegger's. You told me you didn't pay for it. You gave the guy a hum-job.
Tony: For the Hum-vee.
Tony B.: Maybe he'd like to hum me.
Tony: A friend of Bill over here?
Christopher: Fuckin' wits over here.
Tony B.: Bill? I'll say.
Tony: That? That's not a bill, that's a beak!
Tony B.: On the way home, we can drop him off at Beakskill.
Tony: Well, if beaks could kill, that one certainly would!
- Phil saying he's from AA and then replying "we are anonymous" when asked for his name during his otherwise horrible harassment of Chris' mother.
- Episode 4, AJ comes home after a drug feasted night out and no eyebrows. Tony enquires what happened leading to the priceless line of Poppers and weird sex. Carmella's facial reaction nails it.
- Paulie (upon hearing about the rumors of Vito Spatafore's sexual orientation):
Paulie: Tell you one thing, if it was me this kid was spreading rumors about, he'd have something up his own ass. And it wouldn't be no cock, either!
- The "enlighted" discussions about Vito allegedly being an "ass muncher" Crosses the Line Twice and then some more.
Think about it, though, Ton'. Sudden weight loss... AIDS!? Tony:
Nobody got AIDS! Gervasi:
Catching, not pitching Chris:
It'll be ok, we'll get him to pay for some therapy
Tone... when he was always talking about greasing the Union, who knew that's what he meant."
- "We were just discussing 'La Cage Aux Fat!"
- Vito is stuck in a boring handyman job, constantly trying to resist the temptation to look at his watch to see when his lunch break is. Finally he convinces himself it's almost noon with the sun's position, but then sees on his watch that it's still more than an hour away and screams "FUCK ME!"
- Vito returns:
Vito: It was the medication I was on. For my blood pressure. It fucked with my head, but I'm over that now. I could probably get a letter from my doctor
Tony: A note from your doctor saying you don't like to suck cock?
- In "The Fleshy Part of the Thigh", Paulie Walnuts, not long after finding out that the woman he thought was his mother his whole life was actually his aunt, and that his real mother was his "aunt" the nun, who, fearing scandal, handed baby Paulie over to her sister Marianucci to raise, is approached by Father Intintola in the hospital. The priest innocently asks after Tony, who's in the ICU recuperating from a gunshot wound...
"HE'S IN A LOT BETTER SHAPE THAN THOSE FUCKIN' NUNS YOU GOT UP THERE!!"
- Phil Leotardo uses the celebratory dinner after a made man ceremony to makes his feelings on Vito's homosexuality known in his usual diplomatic manner:
Phil: And in light of recent humiliations, it's a honor to be joined by men- and not FAGGOT-ASS, CORN-HOLING COCKSUCKERS like what married my cousin. He should fuckin' DIE!
- Burt and Patsy's attempt to shake down the manager of a Starbucks Expy for protection, as they realize he can't pay them off because he has to account for all expenditures through the corporate office, and there are too many locations for corporate to care about vandalism. The two leave, and Patsy laments "It's over for the little guy."
- "He Marvin Gayed his own nephew". Vito summarizing the incident between Junior and Tony, black comedy at its finest.
- Artie Bucco's meltdown during his interrogation of the restaurant staff, when he discovers that someone has been selling credit card numbers.
Artie: No, fuck you! I don't know which one of you pieces of shit did this, but I've been good to you! And you pay me back with non-stop ass rape?!? Well FUCK ALL OF YOU!!!
- Fat Dom making gay jokes at Jersey's expense... what could possibly go wrong?. Hilarity ensues. It gets better when Tony shows up and does his WTF? routine while Carlo tries to sheepishly cover his own ass.
Carlo: Sil hit him first...
- Bobby offers to help a rapper win some street cred by having getting him shot, aiming for a fleshy part of his thigh to minimize injury. But when he receives one thousand dollars short of the asking fee for the job, Bobby proceeds to shoot the rapper in the equally fleshy ass instead, all while dressing up like an obese street thug.
OWW, MY ASS! HE SHOT ME IN THE ASS!!!
- "Ever think what a coincidence it is that Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease?" - Christopher, yet again.
- The doublespeak problems of Johhny Sack's brother-in-law.
Johnny: An actual fucking cake!
- Carmine Jr. trying the "Uncle Philly" soft approach, only to taste Phil's usual niceties : "Uncle Philly my ass!"
- Phil gets nicknamed "The Shah of Iran". Later topped when Phil, "everloving extraordinaire" takes offense to it when he's summing up why Jersey sucks. Being compared -and quite benignly- to Royalty seems to infuriate him the most!
- Hearing Lauren Bacall drop an F-bomb, twice.
- The awkward game of Monopoly between Tony, Carmela, Janice and Bobby.
Bobby: You know, the Parker Brothers took time to think this all out. I think we should respect that.
Tony: Fuck the Parker Brothers. Just play the game.
- Christopher and Paulie have yet another heated "discussion" over money.
Paulie: Lower your voice. I got neighbors!
Christopher: Fuck your neighbors! When you gonna pay me?
Paulie: When you suck the money out of my ass! Now get the fuck out!
- A drunken, nearly incoherent Christopher rambles on about his newborn daughter to the gang at the Bing, who all find the pitiful display hilarious;
Christopher: And she looks up, back at me—
Paulie: "How the fuck do I put myself up for adoption?"
Paulie: Nothing. Go ahead, kid.
Christopher: My point — what the fuck was — is babies. They're the future. Do you realize by the time Caitlin's outta college, it'll be like, the year 2027 or something?
Paulie: She takes after you she won't be outta fourth grade by then!