Characters for the Sandsverse. Please do not add non-canon blogs here. A good way to tell if a blog is non-canon is if the canon blogs don't interact with it and/or the lore makes no mention of them.
- Animalistic Abomination: To varying degrees, from merely being funky and somewhat alien in thinking to being world-ending avatars of destruction.
- Machine Monotone: On the rare occasions they audibly talk, their voices are represented by text-to-speech.
- The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: Good luck finding a single post by them where they actually sell something.
- Severely Specialized Store: Each vendor sells one thing, and one thing only.
- Shopkeeper: Most of their products tend to be useless junk, but yes, they are shopkeepers.
- Strange-Syntax Speaker: The vendors all use a strange dialect called Standard Sands Vernacular, which involves Capitalizing Every Word, idiosyncratic spelling errors and weird profanities.
- Talking Animal: Well, typing animals, but still.
- Theme Naming: All of their URLs end with the number 100.
- So There Were Three And Many.There Was Seymour, Who Was First,Elmer, Who Came Second,And There Was Horace, Who Was Third.—The Fourth Dictum
The original three vendor blogs, and the three who are the most central to the Sandsverse's lore. They are all impossibly old and powerful, and may have had created the entire Sandsverse by themselves; however, they may also hold a grave threat to it.
- Big, Thin, Short Trio: Horace, Elmer and Seymour, respectively.
- Blue-and-Orange Morality: Likely the reason behind their incredibly strange style of posting.
- Jerkass Gods: They are fairly conversable, but not very pleasant. Seymour regularly bullies his cosigns, Elmer is a capricious asshole, and Horace is just plain rude.
- Physical God: They all reign over their own little domain, which they created. On occasion they have demonstrated various mystical abilities.
- Special Person, Normal Name: They all have hilariously mundane names for beings of such vast cosmic power.
- Time Abyss: It's unclear exactly how old they are, but it's clear they are not young. When asked about his age, Horace replied with this, and Elmer is implied to actually have lived through our universe as well in addition to the Sandsverse. Seymour is four.
- Vitriolic Best Buds: They fight a lot, but when push comes to shove they will work together and try to protect each other.
Seymour M. Tapiro (He Who Reaps The Dividend, Demiurge And Babyboy, Whose Power Is Without Measure)
- "Im Just A Baby Boy Of Four"
Seymour is a merchant of sands who takes the form of an adorable baby tapir. He inhabits a desert likewise called the Sands, and will gladly give you some of his sands in exchange for your disc-shaped objects.Even among the powerful Three, Seymour is pre-eminent. He shaped much of the Sandsverse, and he gave Elmer a physical form. His home is a massive hole in the Sands, where he lives and is served by his "cosigns" (cousins).
His blog can be accessed here.
- Arc Number: His numbers are three and five.
- Arc Words: His word is PALACE and his phrase is WORTH IMMEASURABLE.
- Bad Boss: Constantly makes fun of and bullies his cosigns, especially Gerold. At one point he mentions slapping them awake each morning.
- Disproportionate Retribution: He frequently threatens people with death or strange tortures for saying things he doesn't like.
- Enfant Terrible: He's just a baby boy of four. That doesn't stop him from being a great and woeful god, though.
- Hair-Trigger Temper: There's no telling what might set him off. In the Dicta, he immediately goes on a rampage against Elmer, burning down his jungle, simply because the monkey showed him his new home.
- Horrible Judge of Character: All things considered, Seymour should have expected to have his car stolen considering he has a cosign called Cosign Carthief Jupson. He also made a very dumb mistake in the Second Dictum by leaving unobserved a being whose very title is "The Intruding Presence And The Agitator-Of-Rule".
- Large and in Charge: Averted. He's explicitly the smallest of all of his cosigns, but he lords over all of them.
- Mr. Imagination: He occasionally pretends to be different people, like a pirate or a knight. Or maybe he is those things. One can never tell in the Sandsverse.
- Running Gag: His age. We know that it's four, but four of what unit of time is never specified.
- Mysterious Middle Initial: Seymour has claimed the M. in his name to stand for all sorts of things, including "Master", "My Name", "Name Of Plums", and "M".
- Seldom-Seen Species: Admit it, how many baby tapirs have you seen in fiction?
- Severely Specialized Store: For some ungodly reason, Seymour sells "sands", which seem to be completely indistinguishable from sand except for the spelling.
- Sitcom Arch-Nemesis: With Elmer.
- Smoking Is Cool: He loves to smoke a cigar once in a while.
- Toilet Humor: He seems to think that pee jokes are hilarious.
- Vocal Dissonance: In his videos, his voice is disturbingly deep for a baby tapir.
Elmer Ape (He Who Ushers In The Impulse To Exist, The Intruding Presence And The Agitator-Of-Rule)
- "Non Of You Have Truly Graps The Power I Possess"
Elmer is a capricious proboscis monkey who is in the business of selling fruit. Not averse to playing pranks on the other inhabitants of the Sandsverse, he is an occasional thorn in Seymour's side and the object of Horace's unending, burning hatred. He inhabits a Jungle of his own creation, where he is attended to by his nieces and nephews. He may or may not have destroyed the universe that came before the Sands.
His blog can be read here.
He now has a self-demonstrating page here.
- Arc Number: His numbers are four and seven.
- Arc Words: His word is UNQUIET and his phrase is EVENTS UNFORESEEN.
- Barrier Maiden: According to himself at least, he upkeeps the Geometric Blockade that prevents the Sandsverse from merging into other universes.
- Catchphrase: "Gunch", a Sands Vernacular swear word of unknown meaning, pops up fairly often in his posts.
- Cool Uncle: As the "cosigns" are to Seymour, Elmer is attended to by a legion of nieces and nephews, who he seems to get on fairly well with. We've only ever met three, however: RUSSEL!, Griselda and, uh, Sound Cloud.
- Everything's Better with Monkeys
- Fantastic Religious Weirdness: He's Catholic. Somehow.
- The Friend Nobody Likes: Neither of his fellow co-gods has a fondness for Elmer. Seymour ranges from tolerating him to being suspicious of him, and Horace outright hates his guts.
- Fun with Acronyms: During the events of Lent, he claims his name stands for Every Living Monkey Exacts Revenge. Later that day, Morbitum says that Even Lost Monkeys Eventually Return.
- Gag Nose: Naturally. He's a proboscis monkey.
- Happily Married: He alludes to having a wife many times, though we've never seen her.
- Light Is Not Good: We never get a concrete description of E.L.M.E.R., but the events of the Dicta suggest that his coming was portended by a light descending into the Sands.
- Omnicidal Maniac: In his unbound form, he's eager to share his "ability" with every living thing on the planet, even if it means he will kill everything and everyone with it. He's that eager to be free.
- Satanic Archetype: The events of The Lent Incident seemingly reveal that E.L.M.E.R. was once a denizen of "our" universe, but was banished to the Sandsverse after doing something that upset a higher power, and by doing so created life in our Universe.
- Severely Specialized Store: Surprisingly enough, subverted. Elmer sells fruit, which is fairly close to an actual business model.
- Superpowered Evil Side: As E.L.M.E.R., he's more powerful and, and far more competent, than his silly proboscis monkey form.
- Trademark Favorite Drink: Potable water. You read that right.
- The Trickster: He enjoys making jokes at his fellow vendors' expense.
- You Cannot Grasp the True Form: When not bound to his flesh, not even Seymour can comprehend his appearance.
Horace Boarace (He Who Comes From A Frozen Depth, A Panaceum And A Warden)
- "If Your Ever Making Fun O Me Or Perhapes Pondering A Mockery Jast Remember I Am A Massive Focking Creature With Big Teeth And Mauscles"
Horace is a hot-blooded boar who sells ice for anyone interested. In his free time he acts as the warden of the Sandsverse, protecting it from outside intruders, as well as goblins, Baba Yaga and the Wendigo, and also skinwalkers. He also enjoys taking naps and writing surprisingly good poetry. He inhabits an icy land called the North, and unlike the other two divine merchants he doesn't have servants.
His blog can be read here.
- Accessory-Wearing Cartoon Animal: Not consistently, but he sometimes shows up with fashion like some winter clothes or a pair of shades he dug up in the trash.
- Arc Number: His numbers are one and eight.
- Arc Words: His word is ASSURANCE and his phrase is ADAMANT LUCIDITY.
- Badass Baritone: In the Dicta, his voice is a heart-rending, powerful growl.
- Barrier Maiden: Horace is the warden of reality.
- Berserk Button: He absolutely cannot stand Elmer, and will attack him at the slightest provocation.
- Blood Knight: He exists in a nigh-constant state of battle-frenzy. Even ordinary activities will be treated like a fight by him.
- Full-Boar Action
- Grim Up North: His domain of ice, snow and cold streams, simply called the North.
- Heavy Sleeper: He enjoys napping quite a lot. During Elmer's Lent, he Slept Through the Apocalypse.
- The Hermit: Unlike Seymour and Elmer, Horace doesn't have any relatives. While the tapir is served by his cosigns and the ape by his nieces and nephews, Horace patrols the North all by himself, and that's the way he likes it.
- Hot-Blooded: Of the powerful and ancient Three, Horace is the most likely to charge into physical battle.
- Ineffectual Loner: Averted. Horace is extremely competent at defending the Sandsverse all on his own.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Abrasive, vulgar and rude, but very kind and protective. He's also the only vendor of the three who rarely insults the fans talking to him.
- Narcissist: He hoards "depiction" of himself, and spends a lot of time talking about his "Enormous Fucking Mauscles".
- Pungeon Master: He sometimes makes some truly atrocious boar puns, such as "Goodbye Boarever".
- Warrior Poet: He likes fighting and writing poetry. Several fans who asked for poems from him have gotten their wish.
- Severely Specialized Store: Horace sells ice.
- Sir Swears-a-Lot: While none of the merchants are particularly averse to swearing, Horace is doubtlessly the most vulgar of them all.
- "Not a Lump Not a Stink I Am a Steam-Roller of Weighed FLESH!"
His blog can be accessed here.
- Affably Evil: Very nice and amiable. Also, his favorite hobby happens to be crushing other animals to death.
- Belly Flop Crushing: The main way he kills people.
- Blood Knight
- Caps Lock: His and all other seals' names are always written in all caps.
- Catchphrase: "[insert specific fraction here] Of My Body Weight"
- Cut His Heart Out with a Spoon: Makes an extremely unusual threat of drinking all your body's water content.
- Fat Bastard: Uses his tremendous weight to kill anything and everything that comes near him.
- Satanic Archetype: A former servant of a god who rebelled against the system said god has established and fell from grace as a result. Stripped of his power, he was banished to an unpleasant and harsh place where he is now a being of death and destruction.
- Severely Specialized Store: One of the strangest ones - ROLL sells crushing.
- Suddenly Sexuality: A humorous example in that he constantly, proudly proclaims that he is Straight and "Sexual," despite all of the Sandsverse characters being male and physically genderless.
- Trademark Favorite Drink: Cherry Coca-Cola. He swallows the whole 12-pack, box and all.
While it was still active, his blog was available here.
- "Listen: try and tell me I dosent know What a BOG, a SWAMP, is, and i will sereously kill U"
Morbitum is a laid-back frog who inhabits a swamp and spends his time lazing about, hiking and occasionally shooting things with his gun. He owns a creature called S'carb, and at least three gremlins. He is much more knowledgeable than he shows.
Read his blog here.
- Animals Not to Scale: Despite being a frog, he towers over the other Vendors, as seen here and here.
- Big Brother Instinct: He has an instinct to protect Seymour from harm, and at one point he claims that the's older than the tapir. During the Lent Incident, he has monologued about how he can't let Seymour bear the burden of the situation.
- The Older Immortal: He claims to have preceded Seymour, despite the tapir's claim as being the First.
- Strange-Syntax Speaker: Downplayed. Morbitum doesn't speak Standard Sands Vernacular, but his typing style is still quite strange.
- "ILLEGAL USE OF APPARATION PHENOMENA PROHIBITED UNDER TARRIFF 28-139. DEPLOYING EMERGENCY ASSET AMPUTATION TASK FORCE NOW"
The Brood are a eusocial collective of naked mole rats who inhabit a humongous network of burrows underneath the surface of "Ostralia". They frequently launch expeditions to the surface world, often based on prompts by their readers. They are known to have an on-again, off again friendship with Seymour. Little do they know that they are threatened by an insidious double agent...
Their blog can be found here.
- Beneath the Earth: The location of their burrows.
- Caps Lock: The Brood speaks in all capitals.
- Expospeak: Their method of speech is highly technical, like a computer.
- Hive Mind: All bodies of the Brood move and act as one being.
- Put on a Bus: The Brood only has one moderator, who has been quite busy in their real life, unlike the other blogs (even ROLL) who have a few each, so the Brood has been mostly inactive as of recent.
- Red Alert: Threats against the hives are treated with full alert procedures, including loud and blaring air raid sirens.
- Red Shirt: Most of the scouts sent by the Brood to try out things prompted by their followers meet grisly deaths. Such as this one, who goes insane after trying out having fur and cuts itself off from the hive, or this one, who is subjected to the invisible salt shaker prank and is executed by the other drones for accidentally conjuring up actual salt.
- Voice of the Legion: This is how they talk.
- We Have Reserves: Their approach to an intercom system. The burrows have no electricity, so they make important announcements by having every single drone scream the message in unison.
Operative Fat Fucck
- "luckily for me, the scouts arent very bright, but the glaring sky is, so theyre too preoccupied with squeezing those little eyes tight and holding their breath to notice im not one of them."
Operative Fat Fucck is a skinny pig who has infiltrated the Brood as a double agent for some yet-unknown reason. He occasionally posts his internal monologue on the Brood's blog. Currently, he is embarking on a mission of some sort on the Brood's behalf.
- all lowercase letters: Doesn't use any capitalization, which contrasts with the Brood's usage of all caps.
- Double Agent: Although his intentions with the Brood are as-of-yet unclear, he is deeply entrenched among the mole rats.
- Guile Hero: He infiltrated the extremely sensitive Brood with none of them the wiser.
- Hard Boiled: His Establishing Character Moment involves swallowing a still-burning cigarette.
- Private Eye Monologue: This is the only way in which he can communicate, apparently.
- Strange-Syntax Speaker: Averted. Fat Fucck is probably the only Sandsverse animal whose writing style is completely normal. His lack of capitalization is the only thing that keeps it from being grammatically correct.
- Beware the Nice Ones: He's nicer than Seymour, but even so, don't get him mad.
- Butt-Monkey: He's the most frequent target of Seymour's mistreatment and bullying.
- Gentle Giant: He's much bigger than Seymour, but much less cruel.
- Horror Hunger: His hunger should not be underestimated. Fishboy didn't heed this warning, and got eaten for his troubles.
- Number Two: Acts as Seymour's second in command.
- Stout Strength: Gerold is quite fat, but extremely powerful, both physically and otherwise.
- The Unintelligible: Seymour holds conversations with him every so often; Gerold has only ever spoken once "onscreen," however, and, uh...note
Staff Sargent RUSSELL!
- "CHAPPED - AND JUST AS I SUSPECTED. I KNOW JUST WHAT TO DO WITH COWARDLY UNCLES LIKE YOU. TO THE FRONTLINES! YOU WILL GO FIGHT IN THE TRENCHES WITH THE OTHER UNCLES AND LEARN SOME SELF-RASPECT."
RUSSELL! is one of Elmer's nephews. While Elmer himself is no slouch, RUSSELL! is one of the few beings capable of repeatedly defeating, one-upping, and otherwise humiliating his uncle.
- The Big Guy: He's built like a Marine and is capable of taking down foes twice his size.
- Caps Lock: Like ROLL, his name is apparently always written in caps. His dialogue is also in bold caps.
- Disproportionate Retribution: Whether he's kicking Elmer out of a tree for having a soft belly, conscripting him into the army for having chapped lips, or banishing him to the sea for a year for drinking Mr. Pibb, it goes without saying that whenever RUSSELL! shows up his uncle is in trouble.
- The Dreaded: One of, if not the only, individuals Elmer seems to truly fear.
- Drill Sergeant Nasty: Taken to nearly surreal levels.
- From Nobody to Nightmare: Once, Russell was just an adorable little nephew of Elmer. It's unclear when he transformed into the ruthless soldier he is today.
- No Indoor Voice: Going by his text, he is always yelling at the top of his lungs.
- Spell My Name with an "S": Recently, RUSSEL! is spelled with an exclamation mark at the end.
His blog can be found here.
- Attack of the 50-Foot Whatever: His goal is to grow so large that the Sandsverse won't be able to hold him.
- Bullying a Dragon: Elmer warns us never to taunt him and considers him very dangerous.
- Evil Nephew: He once attempted to overthrow both Seymour and Elmer and take over the Sandsverse, but was defeated by Horace.
- From a Single Cell: He continually regenerates every time he explodes.
- High-Pressure Blood: His blood pressure is apparently so high that if you cut him he will fly around the room like a punctured balloon.
- Killer Gorilla
- Nausea Fuel: His entire blog.
- Verbal Tic: He speaks in short, choppy sentence fragments and punctuates many of his statements with "Yeah" and "OK."
- He came early!
The events of his coming are archived here.
- Arc Words: Several.
- "He came early!"
- "17 days early"
- "I'm four."
- "Use kilowatt-hours!"
- Eldritch Abomination: Who, or what, is he? Where did he come from, and why did he invade the Sands? Nobody knows, but he's horrifying.
- Fan Nickname: The entity name is never spoken in canon. Fans have dubbed it ZHDUN due to Elmer posting this image during the Breach. This sculpture has been dubbed "Zhdun" by the larger internet community, so the name stuck.
- Grand Theft Me: Takes over Seymour's and Elmer's blogs and replaces them with grotesque parodies of themselves.
- Hostile Show Takeover: His apparent modus operandi.
- Outside-Context Problem: While the later Lent Incident arc deals with a threat stemming from inside the Sandsverse, ZHDUN seemingly came out of the blue.
- Strange-Syntax Speaker: Inverted. Vendors under ZHDUN'S influence drop Standard Sands Vernacular and begin speaking in completely normal syntax.
- Walking Spoiler