And so rather than do either, you do something else that neither likes at all!
The Abilene paradox is a scenario where a group decides on a course of action that none of the individual members actually want.
Poor communication causes this. Individuals fail to say what they really want to do, resulting in an erroneous impression of what the group as a whole wants, and every person thinks that they're the only dissenter. So, whether out of misguided generosity or fear of the majority's wrath, no one speaks against the plan, and everyone winds up unhappy with the end result. Only after it's over do they realize that they Could Have Avoided This if someone, anyone, had just said what they really wanted.
The name comes from Jerry B. Harvey, who described the trope in 1974. His article "The Abilene Paradox" illustrated it with an anecdote about his family in Coleman, Texas, who made a hundred-mile trip to Abilene and back — only to realize afterwards that all of them would have preferred to stay home instead.
Subtrope of "Could Have Avoided This!" Plot, Poor Communication Kills, and Two Rights Make a Wrong. Compare with "Gift of the Magi" Plot and Milholland Relationship Moment, which ends in a similar way, but without the participants collaborating at all. Frequently occurs when the issue is Inherent in the System, as a bad bureaucracy can streamline the action without bothering to ask the motivation. Also compare with Outhumbling Each Other, where two people knowingly argue in favor of what the other wants and Only One Finds It Fun for when one person genuinely enjoys something but they're alone.
- Our Dreams at Dusk has a rather sad example. Seichirou, Tsaiko's gay partner of thirty years, is finally reconnecting with his adult son as he's dying of an illness. Tsaiko purposely spends less time with Seichirou and gives up his chance of staying at his deathbed to avoid meeting his son and risk their homosexuality causing tension between the two of them. Seichirou assumes that Tsaiko is ashamed and doesn't want his family to know about him, and so doesn't say that all he really wants is to keep the man he loves by his side until he dies.
- RWBY fanfic at least it was here: Pyrrha and Jaune break off their Friends with Benefits relationship because they both believe they are holding the other back, and that they deserve a real relationship. They are of course unaware that they are both madly in love with each other.
- Sword Art Online Abridged: After Kirito and Asuna's Relationship Upgrade, Asuna asks what happens next. Both halves of Kirito's brain start panicking until Left Brain tells Right Brain to say anything as long as it's said with confidence. Leading to Kirito saying "We should get married." Left Brain panics and screams at Right Brain, then says they'll pass it off as a joke. Cut to Asuna crying Tears of Joy and saying "Yes. Let's do it," ... before revealing she has the same issues.
Asuna's Left Brain: Bitch, why the fuck did you say yes?!Asuna's Right Brain: I DON'T KNOWWWWWW!!!
- The Trope Namer is Jerry B. Harvey's 1974 article, "The Abilene Paradox: The Management of Agreement." He includes a personal anecdote to illustrate the paradox: He and his wife's family in Coleman, Texas, are playing dominoes on the back porch when his father-in-law suggests going to Abilene (53 miles north) for dinner. So, off they go. But the drive is long, hot, and dusty, and the food isn't worth the trip. When they arrive home, exhausted and frustrated, his mother-in-law complains that she didn't want to go to Abilene in the first place, and only went along with the idea because everyone else was so enthusiastic. Jerry and his wife admit that they didn't want to go, either. Even his father-in-law, who suggested it in the first place, only did so because he thought the others were getting bored with the dominoes game.
The group sits back, perplexed that they together decided to take a trip which none of them wanted. They each would have preferred to sit comfortably, but did not admit to it when they still had time to enjoy the afternoon.
- "The Awful Fate of Melpomenous Jones" by Stephen Leacock takes the trope Up to Eleven when the local vicar, having two weeks off, goes to visit some of his parishioners for an afternoon. Every time he says he should be leaving, they urge him to stay. He doesn't actually want to stay, drinking tea and looking at photograph albums, and in fact the family would like him to go as well, but both parties are trying to be polite. So he stays...and stays...and stays...until he goes mad and dies.
- The Screwtape Letters: In "Letter 26", Screwtape suggests fostering exactly this sort of disagreement, to twist "unselfishness" into a way for humans to be selfish and hypocritical about it.
When once a sort of official, legal, or nominal Unselfishness has been established as a rule [...] the most delightful results follow. In discussing any joint action, it becomes obligatory that A should argue in favor of B's supposed wishes and against his own, while B does the opposite. It is often impossible to find out either party's real wishes; with luck, they end by doing something that neither wants, while each feels the glow of self-righteousness and harbours a secret claim to preferential treatment for the unselfishness shown and a secret grudge against the other for the ease with which the sacrifice was accepted.
- One of Dave Barry's columns had advice on how to find love via personal ad:
[Your ad] should say you like "candlelight dinners and long walks on the beach". All personal classified ads contain this phrase, not because anybody really wants to take long walks on the beach, but because people want to prove they're Romantic and Sensitive. The beaches of America are teeming with couples who met because of personal ads, staggering along, sweating and picking sea-urchin spines out of their feet, each person afraid to reveal to the other that he or she would rather be watching a rental movie.
- Played for Horror in The Mysterious Stranger, where its revealed that none of the villagers in Dung Ages Austria actually believe in witches, but they all allow witch hunts to happen because they are terrified that the rest of the village truly believes it and will assume that they themselves are witches if they defend the accused in any way, including by saying that witches dont exist.
- in The Emperor's New Clothes, two con men swindle countless riches out of a narcisistically dandy emperor by "making" him an "outfit" made of a "magical fabric" that they swear is invisible to those who are incompetent at their jobs. Obviously the emperor (and nobody in his court) can't see anything, but because saying that they can't means that they would have to admit to being incompetent, they all keep shut. The embarrassment still comes because when the emperor organizes a parade to showcase his "clothes" a child bluntly asks his family why is the emperor naked. A child having no work or enough knowledge of the world to be considered "incompetent" at anything, he can only be right.
- In the Discworld novel Thud!, an In-Universe version of the above tale is mentioned. The Paradox is not only enforced, it is brutally enforced: the kid may be innocent and the crowd now know that the emperor is embarrassing himself, but the emperor is surrounded by heavily-armed guards and this trumps a child's truth (and well-being) by a country mile.
- The Big Bang Theory: In "The Comic-Con Conundrum", Leonard invites Penny to Comic-Con solely because he thinks she wants to go, and Penny accepts solely because she thinks Leonard wants her to come along. Both want the other to be happy, so it becomes an emotional Game of Chicken as neither wants to be the one to admit that they'd rather Penny not come.
- In How I Met Your Mother, the episode "46 Minutes" has a discussion of "Early Relationship Chicken." According to Future Ted, it's the phase where both partners agree to every activity the other suggests, because they want to seem interesting, adventurous, and open-minded. This eventually leads to them getting roped into activities that neither of them wants, because they're afraid to be the first to say "No"—until one of them finally caves, much to the relief of both parties. In the episode itself, Kevin and Robin play Early Relationship Chicken, which leads to them birdwatching in Central Park, bungee jumping, and attending a butcher class before they come to their senses.
- On Jane the Virgin, one episode has Petra invite Jane and her family to a Mother's Day brunch before Anezka throws a wrench into their friendship. Jane, her mother, and her grandmother don't want to do go because it interferes with their established traditions for Mother's Day; later, Jane and Petra fight on the phone due to poor communication, and both refuse to cancel because they want to seem like the bigger person. Rafael also doesn't feel like being there because of external problems, but all parties go for the sake of their large mixed family (it's a long story). This results in a lunch so awkward that the narrator invites the audience to make a Drinking Game out of it.
- In Peep Show, Mark invites a depressed Jez along as a third wheel on an early-days couples' weekend with Sophie. Their respective internal monologues reveal neither of them actually wants this, but Mark feels obliged to keep Jez company while he awaits medical test results, and Jez thinks Mark's inviting him for moral support because he's terrified of sex.
- A variation of this trope keeps appearing in Beetle Bailey. It always goes like this: The officers, and sergeant Snorkel, receive a written order from the general, with one obvious spelling error that changes the meaning completely (tacks, not tanks, toot check, not tooth check, buns, not guns, etc.). Everyone knows that the general didn't mean to write this, and that he's probably completely oblivious of the spelling error, but everyone is afraid of upsetting him by pointing out the error to him (the exact words "But who dares to tell the general that he did a mistake?" are usually uttered at one point). To simply just ignore the mistake is apparently never considered an option, as this would technically be insubordination. In the end, they carry out the order, exactly the way it's written, even though they know that it makes no sense. Of course, this always upsets the general anyway, which makes one wonder why the officers thought this course of action was going to keep them out of trouble,
- Mentioned in "I'm an Ordinary Man" from My Fair Lady as one of the reasons he's unmarried.
Higgins: Make a plan and you will find, that she had something else in mind, and so rather than do either, you do something else that neither likes at all!
- Late in Higurashi: When They Cry, it's revealed that despite shunning the Houjou siblings (ostensibly because their parents betrayed the village), none of the people of Hinamizawa actually hate them. However, most of them (including the village leaders) believe that everyone else does and won't even say anything for fear of also being seen as traitors.
- In Gunnerkrigg Court, Mort is stuck in one of these. The chapter "See Ya!" reveals he's been ready to move on to the Ether for some time, but he lingers as a ghost because he thinks the Realm Of The Dead gave him a "pretty important" job haunting the Court. But the ROTD is really just giving Mort busywork because they think he wants to stay.
- Narrowly avoided in the "So a Date at the Mall" story of El Goonish Shive where Elliot and Ashley are discussing whether to eat immediately or to wait until later. Both of them are hungry, but let the other make the decision as to whether to eat immediately. They both assume the other isn't hungry and agree to delay eating. Thankfully a combined stomach growl gives them an excuse to do what they both want to do.
- My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic:
- In "Green Isn't Your Color", Fluttershy pretends to enjoy being a fashion model, despite her stage fright and overall discomfort at getting any attention, because of how much Rarity seems to support the idea. Meanwhile, Rarity is actually upset that her unfashionable friend is getting so much more attention than her, but acts extra happy and encouraging because she doesn't want her jealousy to bring down Fluttershy's moment. They have both also come clean to Twilight but because Twilight gave a Pinkie Promise to them that she wouldn't tell the other (a promise that Pinkie goes to Implacable Man levels of pursuit to enforce), she can't stop this mess herself.
- In "Non-Compete Clause", Applejack and Rainbow Dash are placed in charge of a field trip, but have differing ideas of what to do. At first they try to do their own things, but after that goes terribly, Twilight threatens to take over the event herself if they can't work together. Instead both overcompensate and end up butting heads again, this time wanting to follow the other's ideas but not being able to agree.
- In one episode of Mickey Mouse we have Mickey and Minnie on a date with matching sweaters that are really itchy. Mickey hate them, but doesn't want to hurt her feelings. At the end he admits that he cannot stand the sweaters, only for her to reveal that she also hates them but thought it would be romantic to wear them, so then both of them can get rid of the things.
- The Powerpuff Girls: In the episode "Town And Out," the Powerpuff family moves to the town of Citysville for a new job offer, a better school and a chance to be superheroes in the big leagues. It sucks: the school picks on kid superheroes and doesn't let them leave in the middle of class, the citizens ignore anything above their newspapers, and the majority of the population don't even like living there to the point where they commute from far, far away (which gets worse when the Powerpuffs end up destroying a bridge which was its main source of commuting). The girls only stay because their father exuberantly claims to love the city. He doesn't; he eventually reveals that he hates working in a big underfunded lab where everyone is either envious or arrogant. It doesn't help that from our perspective of the girls' misadventures, Utonium is REALLY overselling it.
- In Recess: Taking the Fifth Grade a Board of Education recently made some changes that make the kids lives worse (like changing cafeteria food for "nutrition paste" and getting rid of their playground). T.J. skips school to protest about it and convinces Principal Prickly to protest as well. After seeing the Principal risking his job, one member of the board confeses that he actually hates the changes that were made, but didn't want to go against the crowd, with the other members revealing the same feeling, and deciding to overturn the whole thing.
- The Simpsons: In "Boy Scoutz N-the-Hood", Bart must invite Homer on a father-son river-rafting expedition. In a variation, Bart knows that Homer won't want to go, and Homer knows that Bart doesn't want him to go, but both of them independently decide to express interest and rely on the other to decline:
Bart: [Through gritted teeth] Dad, I really want you to go on this expedition.Homer: [Through equally gritted teeth] Son, I'd be delighted to accompany you.Homer and Bart: [Simultaneously] D'oh!
- One episode of Regular Show has Muscle Man ask Mordecai and Rigby for their help since he's supposed to meet his girlfriend Starla's parents for dinner, but according to her, they're extremely sophisticated and he's worried that they'll disavow their relationship if he doesn't live to their standards. They do their best to make him look the part and try to educate him, but the latter doesn't work. Instead, Mordecai and Rigby pose as the group's waiters and feed him instructions via earpiece. However, the Maitre'd despises Muscle Man because he isn't really posh and sophisticated, so he has Mordecai and Rigby tied up and tests Muscle Man on his own on which spoon to eat dessert with, which he fails. A brawl ensues between the dinner group and the restaurant staff, which causes Starla's parents to drop the facade, revealing to Muscle Man that they acted posh to impress him and they're normally just like him.
- This very nearly turns out to be the case in Steven Universe: Future when one of the Rose Quartzes misinterprets Steven's words as an invitation to live with him, and Steven finds himself unable to refuse. In the end, though, they all agree that they don't want to live in the same house and only agreed for each other's sake.
- Jerry B. Harvey also speculated that the Watergate scandal was an Abilene paradox in practice. Of the members of Richard Nixon's administration who were indicted for the conspiracy, many of them testified after the fact that they had qualms about the entire operation. But they never voiced those concerns, for fear of what would happen if they weren't "a team player".
- Happens in many workplaces, where the boss or supervisor is The Bully, or where the workplace is extremely competitive and political with coworkers turned against one another, or where rigid policies are in place. People become afraid to speak up about problems or own up to mistakes because they fear that the boss will try and "make an example of them" by firing or demoting them. "Just work culture" intends to correct this.