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0 - New Spring
- After meeting up with Lan's group, Moiraine spends several days pranking Lan with the Power in order to just try to get a rise out of him. While he never gives her the satisfaction, his POV segments do reveal he was getting quite annoyed.
1 - The Eye Of The World
- Mat's Establishing Character Moment. At the very beginning of the book, he tells his younger sisters some stories about ghost hounds. They don't buy it. So, to scare them, he takes the dogs of the very large (but good-humored) village blacksmith and his equally large (ill-tempered) wife, coats them with flour, and lets them loose. Mat's response when the predictable happens? "How was I to know they'd run home?" He spends the rest of the time in the village avoiding the wife.
- Rand getting caught still shouting after the rest of the crowd watching Padan Fain has quieted down.
- After Egwene, Perrin, and Elyas leave the Tinker camp, Perrin asks Egwene what she was spending all her time talking with Ila about.Ila was giving me advice on being a woman, Egwene replied absently. He began laughing, and she gave him a hooded, dangerous look that he failed to see.Advice! Nobody tells us how to be men. We just are.That, Egwene said, is probably why you make such a bad job of it. Up ahead, Elyas cackled loudly.
2 - The Great Hunt
- Rand's difficulties with the Fal Dara servants, especially the maids trying to see him naked.
- Perrin, in order to get away from Leane, picks her up, moves her aside like a potted plant, and then leaves.
- To be fair, what with Leane saying flat out that she thought he was cute, Perrin could be excused for assuming that decorum had gone out the window for the time being.
- Verin interrupting the reveal to Rand that he's the Dragon Reborn to quibble over a figure of speech.
- Rand's efforts to avoid getting mixed up in the political games of Cairhien, which just result in everyone becoming terrified that he's an extremely savvy player who keeps all his cards hidden and has friends in very high places.
- Thom's rant about a bunch of rediculous entertianers who call themselves "players" and intend to act out a story for an audience. Thom declares the idea is so terrible that the theater will go broke.
- Rand, Mat, Perrin, Hurin and Ingtar are sneaking through a Seanchan official's residence to retrieve two important items. They see a female servant wearing transparent clothes. Mat, who is suffering from a severe illness which is related to one of the items and will die if he doesn't get cured soon and so has a clear interest in getting the items, is the one to point her near-naked state out to the rest of the party potentially alerting the inhabitants.
- As the above mentioned are escaping from the manor, Ingtar repeatedly tries to take the Horn of Valere from Mat, without success, and at one point they reach a wall they have to climb over. Instead of handing the Horn to one of his companions, Mat tosses the Horn over the wall as if it was the renegade ball they were taking back from a grumpy old neighbour and not an object that could summon an army of unkillable ghosts made up of the greatest heros from every age that wasn't currently incarnate!
3 - The Dragon Reborn
- Min warns Perrin to run if he sees "the most beautiful woman in the world." Perrin immediately assumes it's because Min wants him for herself.
- Several Aes Sedai grabbing the opportunity to feel up Galad after Mat wins a sparring match with him and Gawyn.
- Elayne initially tries asking Mat to carry the letter to her mother by appealing to his patriotism as an Andorman. He has to stifle a laugh and that gives her her answer in a way she didn't expect.
- After the Supergirls get back to Tar Valon, Gawyn and Galad try to shake Elayne down for information on where she's been and why she's doing an... extracurricular project for the Amyrlin. Nynaeve gets rid of them by threatening to call Sheriam, even after Galad tries to sweet-talk her."Thrrrrrrrrr"—Gawyn darted through the door, and even Galads graceful stride quickened markedly—"ree," Nynaeve finished as the door banged shut behind them.
- Siuan creates a distraction in the kitchen to discreetly speak with Egwene and Nynaeve and starts it by claiming Elayne was using far-too foul language for a lady of her stature, so Laras drags her (and Egwene for speaking out of turn) out by the ear. We learn at the end of the chapter that she washed their mouths out with soap.
- Even funnier as the series progresses: Elayne's language throughout the series gets progressively dirtier until she too becomes a Lady Swears-a-Lot by the end.
- Moiraine, in a surprisingly catty moment, tells Lan when they are leaving the Mountains of Mist to chase after Rand, and she thinks he isn't moving them fast enough, that she should "send him to Myrelle before he gets too old" (she had earlier arranged to have his bond pass to Myrelle if anything happened to her, so Lan wouldn't go into berserker-Warder rage and get himself killed; Myrelle is a Green known for seducing and even marrying her Warders). Then later when they are on the boat to Illian and Lan is amused by the Cold War going on between Faile and Moiraine, the latter asks him if he found something funny.Lan: I would never laugh at you, Moiraine Sedai, but if you truly intend to send me to Myrelle, I must become used to smiling. I hear that Myrelle tells her Warders jokes. Gaidin must smile at their bond-holders quips; you have often given me quips to laugh at, have you not? Perhaps you would rather I stay with you after all.
- When we first meet Faile, she has decided to call herself Mandarb ("blade"), considering it more suitable for Hunting the Horn of Valere than the extremely girly name she grew up with. Perrin happily informs her that this is the name of Lan's horse.
- This is what causes her to choose the name Faile. As she does, Perrin immediately remembers Min's viewing and nearly falls off the ladder he was climbing down in shock.
- When Perrin, Moiraine, et al. are arranging a place to stay in Illian, they step inside one inn where a girl is singing (what we understand to be) a rather Bawdy Song. The first verse is tame, but apparently things escalate.[Perrin] had never heard of any woman doing anything remotely like what the girl was singing about, but it did sound interesting.
- Then, after things hit the fan and Moiraine is outed as an Aes Sedai, the girl is mortified and apologizes for her choice of songs. Moiraine brushes it off by, essentially, implying she's been around the block a few times herself.
- This scene gets even funnier in retrospect since Perrin hears the song while standing next to his future wifenote .
- In Illian, after Moiraine has discovered Lord Brend is Sammael and he has sent Darkhounds after them (but someone else is sending Gray Men), Perrin wonders why the Shadow would be interested in them since "Rand is the bloody Dragon Reborn". He says this in front of the innkeeper and Faile, resulting in the latter being bound to Moiraine's party for good because she knows too much. Moiraine warns Perrin against letting his tongue flap by saying "there are many threads in the Pattern, take care one does not strangle you". Later, after they have fought off the Darkhounds, Perrin again wonders about their pursuers, asking if they are after him or Rand. Moiraine then reveals, again in front of Faile, that Mat is a ta'veren and has blown the Horn of Valere. Her response (her being a Hunter for the Horn, sworn to find the Horn of Valere)? He blew it? Someone has found it already?
- Mat is standing outside the Stone of Tear, and needs to be inside it. He decides to create a diversion by stuffing a bundle of fireworks, which he just so happens to have, into an arrowslit and lighting them off. He manages (barely) to Outrun the Fireball, then realizes that the explosion has made the arrowslit big enough to climb through. So he does. And immediately runs into a bunch of Defenders coming to investigate all the noise.
- Earlier, shortly after obtaining his big bundle of fireworks, Mat cuts one open to see how it works. Then he tosses it into the campfire. Thom is not pleased.Thom's voice was unsteady, and it rose in intensity and pitch as he spoke. "If I decide I want to die, I will go to the Royal Palace when we reach Caemlyn, and I'll pinch Morgase!"
- Earlier, shortly after obtaining his big bundle of fireworks, Mat cuts one open to see how it works. Then he tosses it into the campfire. Thom is not pleased.
4 - The Shadow Rising
- Mat telling the story about The Maidens' Kiss to the guys he's gambling with. He was told to ask the Maidens to play it. When he did, they all grinned and put their spears to his neck like a collar. He was then made to kiss each one. If she liked it, the spears eased up. If not, they press in a little harder. He was there all night to free himself.He should have suspected something from the wide smiles that had bloomed on their faces. Like cats who had been asked to dance by a mouse.
- Perrin didn't get the memo about that one as, later on, he overhears Bain and Chiad talking about inviting Gaul to play Maiden's Kiss. The next day, he asks Gaul if he had fun playing the game, causing Gaul to choke on his food.
- Perrin is getting up after being bedridden to heal up after being shot, Faile doesn't believe he is healed and tries to send him back to bed. She ends up having to wrestle him to the ground and pin him, making them fall down the inn stairs together...and then Mistress al'Vere walks in to find Faile lying on top of Perrin on her kitchen floor...
- This is funny enough that Rand cracks up about it in Book 14 when Perrin tells him about it.
- On the advice of Mistress al'Vere, Faile tries very hard to diplomatically convince Perrin not to go off hunting Trollocs until he's healed up a little. Her idea of "diplomatic" involves a lot of Terms of Endangerment, delivered with Technically a Smile. Perrin finds this unsettling since it's pretty clear she'd rather slap him until his ears ring.
- Poor Perrin comes back to Emond's Field to help protect them from Trollocs, and accidentally ends up as general/lord of the village, with his elders asking him permission for every little thing, and two men following behind him at all times with a wolf's head banner (made for him by Verin). His irritated internal monologue can be hilarious.
- The entry for the sa'sara dance in the glossary.sa'sara (sah-SAHR-rah): An indecent Saldaean dance, outlawed by a number of Saldaean queens, but to no avail. Saldaean history records three wars, two rebellions, and countless unions and/or feuds between noble houses, as well as innumerable duels, sparked by women dancing the sa'sara. One rebellion was supposedly quelled when a defeated queen danced it for the victorious general; he married her and restored her throne. This tale is not found in any official history and has been denied by every queen of Saldaea.
- The reason for that entry: Faile is trying to give Perrin an Anguished Declaration of Love and mentions potentially dancing the sa'sara for him, but if her mother ever found out she knew how to dance the sa'sara, she'd skin her alive!
- Siuan assigning Min to take over the job of looking for Black Ajah sleeper agents, undercover as a Girly Girl.
Gawyn looked extremely skeptical, but he scooped up her basket before she could touch it. Let me see you part of the way, at least, he said, his voice oozing false concern. This basket must be too heavy for you, dizzy as you are. Id not want you to swoon.
- On a related note, how Gawyn teases her about it every chance he gets. In retaliation, when he shows her The Way of the Light to try and get her to condemn it so Galad will stop listening to Valda, she goes absolutely vapid and twitters about "reading being so hard". She follows this up, when Galad tries to claim that Whitecloaks aren't so bad, just overzealous, with "but they're so rough, and I don't think any of them know how to dance!" Then, when she sees Logain's halo and rushes to go tell Siuan, Galad tells her she need not be frightened by him and she jumps on the excuse, saying she feels faint.
Gawyn: Such grace of movement, Elmindreda. Such a dulcet voice, as a nightingale, or a cooing dove of the evening. What man would not grow starry-eyed at the sight of Elmindreda?
- And finally, after they're alone together and have talked a bit more, he teases her once more; she tries to punch him, he dodges, and then:
- In fact, that whole conversation was hilarious. Both Gawyn and Min are trolling each other, but Galad is totally clueless about the circumstances and holds the whole conversation with absolute sincerity.
- Egwene asks Rand to use saidin to see if she can sense it the way he can sense her using saidar. So he gooses her with air.
- Elayne's drunkenness episode. Particularly when she stumbles up to the room she's sharing with Nynaeve—who is not over-pleased with her condition and wants to show her something important, over here in this bucket of water...
- A lot of the interactions between Aviendha and Rand were hilarious. Most notable is when Aviendha acts as a wing-woman for Elayne and describes to Rand Elayne's physical attributes such as her lips and bosom. Rand is greatly embarrassed and tells her to stop so she settles for walking beside him, staring at him, and smiling with teeth bared at him.
- Despite suspecting she's there, Rand can't figure out who Lanfear is disguised as. In the last chapter, she reveals (with "an almost coy smile") that she was the fat, ugly, bad-tempered peddler woman who sold Mat his hat, because no one would expect her to be able to stand to look like that.Lanfear: My pride is strong enough to support a little fat, when it must.
5 - The Fires of Heaven
- After Rand follows Aviendha through the gateway, a Maiden comes for Rand. Asmodean gets rid of her by informing her that Rand and Aviendha wanted privacy. Inside 15 minutes, ALL the Maidens were outside the window heckling. Apparently, some of the things they suggested could startle one of the most evil men in history! Rand's reaction to this news was also hilarious.
- Elayne and Nynaeve run into a party of Whitecloaks near the Tarabon/Amadician border.Elayne: Have you come to move the border?
Nynaeve could have strangled her.
Nynaeve: Forgive her, my Lord Captain. My eldest sisters girl. She thinks she should have been born a lady, and she cant keep away from the boys besides.
- And then, once they're out of earshot and start arguing over who crossed the line:Thom: Both of you shut up, before they come back to see which of you is murdering the other!
- And then, once they're out of earshot and start arguing over who crossed the line:
- Nynaeve ordering Uno to rein in his language, and the latter's visibly pained efforts to do so.Nynaeve: Maybe if you could only swear every other sentence?
- And then he methodically swears precisely that often
- When Uno and Ragan bring Nynaeve to Masema the Prophet, Uno embellishes her relation to Rand.Uno: She was at Fal Dara with the Lord Dragon, and at Falme. The Lord Dragon rescued her at Falme. The Lord Dragon cares for her as for a mother.
- Uno mentions that Masema has paired up hundreds of random men and women to be married and says that Nynaeve is lucky that Masema had forgotten that she was not married else she may have ended up in a marriage herself. Nynaeve hears Ragan mutter to himself "Some man doesn't know how bloody lucky he is."
- Nynaeve asks both Masema and Galad to search for a ship for her to travel on inadvertently starting a battle/riot when the Shienarans and the Whitecloaks fight over the same ship.
- Egwene and Melaine catching Nynaeve admiring herself in a Domani dress in Tel'aran'rhiod.
- In the aftermath of the battle of Cairhien, Egwene gets pulled out of bed to sit in on a council of the Wise Ones. While she's still half-awake and trying to figure out what's going on, Aviendha does something a little bit mean.
- Rand is exhausted from the battle of Cairhien though he still wants to enter the city. Aviendha is trying to convince him to rest and she resorts to hiding his clothes from him by sitting on them. The thought of an adult who is a fierce warrior and training to be a Wise One doing something so childish is hilarious.
- Bashere's self-introduction to Rand can be paraphrased as 'Yo, Dragon Reborn? I brought a jug!'
- To convince Luca to let them join the menagerie, Elayne easily performs a walk across a high rope using a flow of air. She says that Juilin can also do the walk. Juilin, who cannot see the flow, is obviously scared and performs the walk with less grace. Luca believes his fear and unease were an act to counterbalance Elayne's gracefulness.
- Elayne's inability to get anyone to believe she's the daughter-heir of Andor when the time comes to drop her disguise, resulting in a scream that's audible through the whole camp.
- Prompting Birgitte to respond with:Birgitte: Was that a cry for help or are you hungry? I suppose I could find a wet nurse.
- Prompting Birgitte to respond with:
- Min uses the alias Serenla which amuses several people including Gareth who says "Your mother must have had a premonition." She later learns that it means "stubborn daughter" in the Old Tongue.
- After getting info from Mistress Tharne, Siuan needs a reason to leave the inn innocuously. She wants to use the reason that she cannot sing but the mistress came up with this:Mistress Tharne: A shy maiden, that one! Legs white and slender enough to set you all drooling, and she bawled like a baby when I told her she'd have to show them to you! Just sat right down on the floor and cried. Hips round enough for any taste, and she...!
- Siuan getting embarrassed by the names of the two inns she goes to; The Good Night's Ride and the Nine Horse Hitch.
- Siuan and Leane are unrecognizable after catching up with the renegade Aes Sedai, forcing them to recount all the pranks they pulled as novices before the others are satisfied.
- Siuan realizing that Gareth Bryne tracked her across half the continent.
- Which he was only able to do because they asked for directions once barely a quarter of the way there.
- Siuan and Gareth are discussing the past where she made him stand down on a border dispute. She says that she did so because she thought a border lord named Dulain would unify Murandy. He learns that Dulain died due to a farmer's arrow causing him to laugh.Gareth: It was the farmers you should have made kneel, not me.
6 - Lord of Chaos
- Davram Bashere's story about an old general of his who ordered them to cut down a stand of old oak trees because they were looking at him...and then demanding they be given decent funerals."Do you have any idea how long it takes to dig graves for twenty-three oak trees?
- The worst and funniest part about it is a bit of Fridge Brilliance: Borderlanders are buried standing up. So they had to dig holes big enough to put the chopped-down trees in vertically.
- The scene in Salidar where Mat makes a complete ass out of himself by trying to boss around Egwene, Nynaeve, and Elayne, along with claiming not to believe that Egwene is the Amyrlin Seat and making it clear that he expects them to follow his every order. And speaking of asses, Nynaeve's indignant reaction is to kick Mat's so hard that he's still limping several chapters later.
- The funnier bit follows when the girls realize the Power doesn't affect him.
- What makes this even funnier is when Nyneave realizes this she gets scared shitless. Because A) Mat isn't a kid anymore and is bigger than her, B) Mat is one of the three main characters that would actually hit a women if need be, C) she can't hurt him with the One Power, every woman's "way of being an ass and getting away with it at this point" ability. So she spends the entire time around him either hiding from him or glaring at him from behind other people. It's like when a bully finds out the other kid can beat them up and it's great.
- The Maidens getting completely mystified at Rand's attempt to tell a joke. Being Aiel, they're sure the water plays an important part in getting it.
- One chapter ends with an ominous line about a woman watching Nynaeve. In the next chapter, she dumps a bucket of water on Nynaeve's head as part of her training.
- Nynaeve, angry about being left out of the loop regarding the Salidar Six meeting with Egwene in Tel'aran'rhiod, and at being demoted because she can't break her block and has stopped taking credit for Moghedien's teachings as new discoveries, storms out of the Little Tower only to run into Thom and Juilin.Thom Merrilin grinned down at her through his long white mustaches, sharp blue eyes twinkling in his gnarled face. "By the look of you, Nynaeve, I could almost think you were angry, but I know you have such a sweet disposition people ask you to dabble your fingers in their tea."
- After Nynaeve discovers how to Heal stilling, all the other Aes Sedai start acting exactly like school kids who have discovered someone can do some weird talent and ask them to do it over and over.
- But first, Sheriam and Myrelle threaten her with all kinds of unfair punishments for Healing Logain... just to ensure that she's angry enough to Heal Siuan and Leane.
- Nynaeve begging Elayne to kick her so she can see what Egwene is doing with saidar.
- After learning about the Ebou Dar tradition of having a jewel in your dagger for each of your children, Nynaeve and Elayne meet with Egwene in Tel'Aran'Rhiod sporting daggers that indicate they want to each have tons of kids. And they quickly get rid of them once they notice, despite Egwene having no idea what it means. Nynaeve's only had a dozen. Elayne's was crusted.
7 - A Crown of Swords
- The whole "Swovan Night" sequence, in which Mat and Birgitte go out drinking, and Elayne gets drunk by proxy.
- Assuming you can get over the Unfortunate Implications of the whole Mat/Tylin thing, the bit where Mat finally explains to Elayne what's going on...
- When Nynaeve insists that she and Lan get married, Lan offers up a few protests, such as the fact that he's now bonded to Myrelle, who would feel everything he does, including, ahem, the honeymoon. Nynaeve's answer to that? "Is there any way to make sure she knows it's me?" Even Lan thought this was hilarious.
- Nynaeve's barely restrained fury while being forced to apologize to Mat until she just lunges at him.
- Thom cutting one of his fingers in shock at Elayne and Nynaeve placidly accepting Mat's order to take bodyguards with them.
8 - The Path of Daggers
- Everyone's eye-rolling reaction when Tenobia speaks up in the prologue, followed by musing on her impossible standards for a husband.
- Similar eye-rolling reactions take place whenever Weiramon opens his mouth: the other lords are so sick of his declamations, they keep chatting and telling jokes while he's talking.
- Made even funnier by the fact his only fan is apparently Lews Therin himself - as we find out in TGS, much to Rand's surprise.
- High Lord Bertome takes some time to mentally snark at other armies' questionable fashion choices and compare them with the "decent" blue robes his men wear.
- The Sea Folk's trouble with horses.
- Perrin can be a master Troll when he wants to, especially when, after joining up with Morgase's group, he almost casually reveals he recognizes Basel Gill in calling him by name without providing any previous hints. Gill jumps nearly a foot.
- Siuan gets so upset with Egwene that she takes the fish metaphors Up to Eleven, which Egwene instantly deflates by saying Siuan should tell Bryne she's in love with him.
- Elayne is disturbed that Lan is taking undue advantage of his husband's rights with Nynaeve. Nynaeve assures her he's "not really" doing it.
- Cadsuane sees an Aiel man in Cairhien who is so shocked at seeing rain for the first time that he just stands out in the street gawking at it. He's so taken by it that a thief is simply able to walk up and steal his pouch in plain view without him noticing.
9 - Winter's Heart
- During the Aiel Rebirth Ceremony where Elayne and Aviendha become first-sisters, they're told to speak about the other's greatest virtue and to openly air grievances about their biggest flaw. Elayne considers Aviendha being prone to use violence as the first option to be Aviendha's. What does Aviendha consider Elayne's? She eats too many sweets. Elayne is aghast!
- The whole scene where Lan and Nynaeve witness Rand confess his feelings towards Aviendha, Elayne and Min (and their acceptance of that).Lan had begun an intense study of the contents of his pipe's bowl.
"You are still beautiful, Rand," she said gently.
"Ha!" Min said. "That face would make a goat faint!"
- There's also the part, after Min, Aviendha and Elayne bonding Rand, that Elayne decides that she's going to jump Rand's bones. This leads Birgitte, Min and Aviendha to decide that they need to get very drunk very quickly, as they can feel everything that's going on with Elayne and Rand.
- Mat's new wardrobe, one of the few times you'll be thankful for Jordan's Costume Porn.
- Which is what he's wearing as well as being half-covered in mud thanks to a fight against the gholam when he first meets Tuon, which probably does him no favors in terms of first impressions.
- And the fact that his dice stop when he walks into the room where she's meeting with Tylin. He spends the rest of the scene quietly freaking out and expecting "a Forsaken to jump out of the fireplace," not knowing that (A) they've stopped because he's just met his future wife, and (B) there is a Forsaken in the room, hidden in plain sight under the guise of "Anath."
- And his Fake-Out Make-Out with Joline, to keep her from being seen and recognized as an Aes Sedai. Particularly when a small whimper of fear slips out and gets mistaken for...something else.
- When Rand feels that Alanna has tracked him down to Far Madding and there's a knock on his door, Min quickly gets into a position with him to clearly show Rand has chosen her instead of Alanna. However, Cadsuane walks in first, causing Min to very quickly move.
- Bayle and Egeanins relationship is going pretty well. But their relationship has a few bumps because Bayle treats his being her shojin like a joke. She has him beaten for that after a bit, but the funny part comes after. He refuses to sleep with her until she apologizes! Shes flabbergasted and does actually end up apologizing but cant imagine what for. Dark humor at its finest.
10 - Crossroads of Twilight
- Egwene has another obstacle to gaining respect as the Amyrlin, as she has to take private meetings while perching on a wobbly stool.
- Egwene finds Aviendha at her scheduled dream meeting with Elayne, because Elayne couldn't get her ter'angreal to work (due to her pregnancy affecting her channelling ability), eventually getting so angry that she started jumping on it.
- Mat's attempt to find Tuon and Selucia when they get separated from each other. He closes his eyes, spins around, and begins walking in a randomly-selected direction. Right into a very large man coming out of a tavern. He begins running in the same direction.
11 - Knife of Dreams
- Tuon making Mat take her to visit a tavern and she is not subtle at all about making sure that it must be a Wretched Hive Of Scum And Villainy.
- Later in that same chapter, after they're attacked by Darkfriends, Tuon is more concerned about having won a bet with Mat that one would call the other by their real name first rather than the fact their lives were just threatened.
- The whole thing gets Brick Joke status near the end of the book when, during a Tuon POV segment, the reader learns she's still disappointed about that tavern not meeting her expectations of a hell.
- Elayne getting cosmically Trolled in the "Wet Things" chapter as she's drenched from being out in the rain and just trying to get back to her room to dry off, only to be repeatedly interrupted by various people who- after giving her a list of demands- end by telling her, "You're all wet, you should go dry off." By the end, she's so frustrated that she unleashes a Skyward Scream doubling as a Call-Back to a similar moment in The Fires of Heaven and nearly causes Aviendha to double over in laughter.
- Romanda, one of the Sitters among the rebel Aes Sedai, passes her time in the camp by reading adventure romance novels. When another Sister comes in to talk to her, she tries to hide the book by sitting on it but finds it uncomfortable. She then tries to inconspicuously drop it onto the ground, only for it to land face-up with a loud thud.
- Tuon's hilariously brusque and emotionless way of (finally) responding to Mat's advances, in front of everyone.Tuon: You may kiss me, Toy.
Tuon: Do I remind you of your mother? Or perhaps your sister?
- As well as her disappointment when he kisses her chastely, because, you know, everyone is watching.
12 - The Gathering Storm
- Mat explaining to Talmanes what it is to reason with a woman in Randland.Mat: Women are like mules. Wait. No. Goats. Women are like goats.
Talmanes: Pure poetry, Mat.
Mat: It's like . . . Well, reasoning with a woman is like sitting down to a friendly game of dice. Only the woman refuses to acknowledge the basic bloody rules of the game. A man, he'll cheat you - but he'll do it honestly. He'll use loaded dice so that you think you're losing by chance. And if you aren't clever enough to spot what he's doing, then maybe he deserves to take your coin. And that's that. A woman, though, she'll sit down to that same game and she'll smile, and act like she's going to play. Only when it's her turn to throw, she'll toss a pair of her own dice that are blank on all six sides. Not a single pip showing. She'll inspect the throw, then she'll look up at you and say, 'clearly I just won.' Now, you'll scratch your head and look at the dice. Then you'll look up at her, then down at the dice again 'But there aren't any pips on these dice' you'll say. 'Yes there are,' she'll say. 'And both dice rolled a one.' 'That's exactly the number you need to win,' you'll say. 'What a coincidence,' she'll reply, then begin to scoop up your coins. And you'll sit there, trying to wrap your head 'bout what just happened. And you'll realize something. A pair of ones isn't the winning throw! Not when you threw a six on your turn. That means she needed a pair of twos instead! Excitedly you'll explain what you've discovered. Only then do you know what she'll do?
Talmanes: No idea, Mat.
Mat: Then she'll reach over and rub the blank faces of her dice. And then, with a perfectly straight face, she'll say, 'I'm sorry. There was a spot of dirt on the dice. Clearly you'll see they actually came up as twos!' And she'll believe it. She'll bloody believe it!
Mat: Only that's not the end of it!
Talmanes: I had presumed it wouldn't be, Mat.
Mat: She scoops up all of your coins. And then every other woman in the room will come over and congratulate her on throwing that pair of twos! The more you complain, the more those bloody women will join in the argument. You'll be outnumbered in a moment, and each of those women will explain to you how those dice clearly read twos, and how you really need to stop behaving like a child. Every single flaming one of them will see the twos! even the prudish woman who has hated your woman from birth - since your woman's granny stole the other woman's granny's honey cake recipe when they were both maids - that woman will side against you.
Talmanes: They're nefarious creatures indeed.
Mat: By the time they're done, you'll be left with no coin, several lists worth of errands to run and what clothing to wear and a splitting headache. You'll sit there and stare at the table and begin to wonder, just maybe, if those dice didn't read twos after all. If only to preserve what's left of your sanity. That's what it's like to reason with a woman, I tell you.
Talmanes: And you did so. At length.
Mat: You aren't making sport of me, are you?
Talmanes: Why, Mat! You know I'd never do such a thing.
- Pretty much any chapter with Mat in it is hilarious in that book. But Talmanes' deadpan snarking takes the cake.Mat: I'm not giving up gambling. Or drinking.
Talmanes: So I believe you've told me. Three or four times so far. I half believe that if I were to peek into your tent at night, I'd find you mumbling about it in your sleep. "I'm going to keep bloody gambling! Bloody, bloody gambling and drinking! Where's my bloody drink? Anyone want to gamble for it?"
- Pretty much any chapter with Mat in it is hilarious in that book. But Talmanes' deadpan snarking takes the cake.
- The scene where Cadsuane decides normal torture won't work on Semirhage (a nasty evil person who developed most modern torture techniques) and promptly takes the Forsaken over her knee and spanks her? Made even funnier when Semirhage's POV shows that it was beginning to work.
- Mat not wanting to deal with the Aes Sedai's complaints when he's preparing to return to Hinderstap.Mat: Thom, with me. Talmanes, stay here and watch the women.
Joline: We are Aes Sedai, Matrim. We will not sit here and be watched.
Mat: Fine. Thom, with me. Joline, stay here and watch the soldiers.
- "Welcome to Hinderstap. We will eat your bloody face if you stay after dark. Try the pies. They are baked fresh daily."
- An increasingly paranoid Mat, culminating in him planning an elaborate raid to find a supposed Darkfriend, with character sheets. The entire chapter was borderline Pratchett."I'm tired of walking into traps unprepared. I plan to take command of my own destiny, stop running from problem to problem. It's time to be in charge."
"And you do that with..." Juilin said.
"Elaborate aliases with backstories," Mat said, handing Thom and Noal their sheets. "Bloody right I do."
- Mandevwin's "cover story" about leaving his aged aunt when she began to confuse him with the family dog.Mandevwin: "Does this mean I can go back to my aged aunt?"
Mat: "You don't have an aged aunt!"
- And a little later:Mandevwin: "I get to be the Warder next time."
- Mandevwin's "cover story" about leaving his aged aunt when she began to confuse him with the family dog.
13 - Towers of Midnight
- In a Brick Joke from Book 4, one of Perrin's POV segments makes note of how Faren Neald started treading lightly around the Maidens of the Spear in his camp due to one of his offhand comments causing him to get caught up in a game of Maiden's Kiss.
- Mat's letter to Elayne, especially after telling Joline that it would be his means of making sure she would know the letter really was from him.
- "Dear Bloody Royal Pain in the Ass..."
- Mat feigning half-literacy for Elayne and Birgitte's benefit. He was trying to write so they would have no doubts, which can be interpreted as Mat just playing up the illiterate sheepherder stereotype.
- Also, his fit of smugness after escaping the Tower of Ghenjei, and his conversation with Setalle Anan about boots. And his reaction to Moiraine asking Thom to marry her. And Moiraine's reaction to learning about him and Tuon.
- Perrin performing a marriage ceremony and floundering through it.
- "I caught a badger. Want to let it go on the village green?"
- Followed shortly by, "Do you have any idea how hard it is to catch a badger on short notice?"
- Galad and Berelain's Love at First Sight and subsequent 'courtship', particularly his woefully inept attempt to have tea with her. Particularly when the usually very vampy Berelain starts acting ga-ga over him - "He's like something perfect from the Age of Legends, left behind to worship!"
- Lan repeatedly trying to get various Borderlanders to not join him, and their repeated insistence that they were merely travelling in the same direction as him.
- The whole scene with the Aes Sedai leaving Mat's camp, at the end when Leilwin and Domon decide to leave as well, Mat describes it as wanting to dance a jig in happiness. And he gives Joline a going-away present of sweets he knows she likes...doctored with something that will turn her mouth blue.
- Mat irritably declaring that just because he's married a noble doesn't mean he is one, and Thom pointing out that it actually does.
- After Morgase's freak-out when she learns Gaebril was really Rahvin.
- Elayne disguises herself as a Forsaken to question the Black Sisters, but her attempt to appear tall, dark and intimidating is almost ruined by pink slippers.
- Elayne's guards finding The Death of Princess Walishen absolutely unbearable. One of them states she would rather be hit by lightning.
- Birgitte "testing" the Sun Throne (and the crowd's horrified reaction).
- Rand announcing his intentions to the Borderland leaders: "Oh, by the way, I'm going to open the Big Bad's prison. Have a nice day". Even Cadsuane is impressed."I am going to go to Shayol Ghul and break the remaining seals on the Dark One's prison. Good day" [...] The four seemed astounded. Well, the boy certainly had picked up an understanding of the dramatic.
- Nynaeve confronting Myrelle is both awesome and funny as she practically drags the latter out of bed and tells her, "I've just been raised but haven't yet sworn the Three Oaths. You have something of mine, I'm in a very bad mood because of what I've just gone through, and you will give it to me if you don't want me to take out my frustrations on you!" Myrelle quickly hands over Lan's Warder bond and retreats back into her tent.
14 - A Memory of Light
- Rand's reaction to meeting Roedran, when he (like much of the readership) had concluded he was Demandred's secret alter ego finally showing up.Rand: Light burn me. You're not him, are you?Roedran: Who?Rand: I thought for certain...where are you?
- In the meeting between the forces of the Amyrlin Seat and the Dragon Reborn at the Field of Merrilor, the reactions to Roedran, especially by Egwene. First, she implies that the White Tower had a role in his rise to actual authority in Murandy, which her Warder calls "positively evil", since she had nothing to do with it. When things become more heated, Egwene gives him a Dope Slap with Air without being seen. A few moments later, it happens again, and Perrin notices it is someone else doing so.Perrin: Nice shot, Grady.
- Moiraine revealing to Rand and Egwene what is really going to happen re: the breaking of the seals.Moiraine: Do not worry, Egwene. He is not going to break the seals.Rand's face darkened.Egwene smiled.Moiraine: You are going to break them.Egwene: What?
- Also Moiraine's reunion with Rand and Nynaeve, and her comments to Rand as she proceeds to lay out what will happen, whether he likes it or not. In fact everything about her return is this when it isn't a Moment of Awesome or Heartwarming.Rand: You haven't answered my question. (re: how she came back)Moiraine: But I have. It just was not the answer you wanted.Moiraine: Rand, I have some words for you.Rand: Are they words I will like?Moiraine: I suspect not.Rand: I don't like this, Moiraine.Moiraine: Then not much has changed, has it? I believe you have often resisted doing what you are supposed to. Particularly when I am the one to point it out to you.
- While sneaking back into Ebou Dar, Mat plans out an elaborate back story explaining himself, but the guard just sends him through.Mat considered staying put out of principle. Why would the soldiers force people to wait in such a long line and give them time to think of a cover story, only to not hear it out?
- Aviendha sneaking into the camp at Merrilor, slipping into Elayne's tent, and quietly sitting there to listen and wait for the meeting to conclude, until Elayne suddenly notices she's there. She doesn't understand that she really freaked out everyone around.
- Mat's thought, upon returning to Ebou Dar, regarding how Rand could have saved himself a lot of suffering.The Rahad had fought off every invasion so far. Light. Rand should have just hidden there, instead of going up to fight the Last Battle. The Trollocs and Darkfriends would have come for him, and the Rahad would have left them all unconscious in an alley, their pockets turned inside out and their shoes sold for soup money.
- Moiraine and Rand talking about how much he had grown... or rather hadn't.Rand: Perhaps I am still a youth, in that all of us are, compared to the timeless age of the Wheel itself. That said, I am one of the oldest people in existence.
Moiraine: Very nice. Does that work on the others?
Rand: *grin* It worked pretty well on Cadsuane.
Moiraine: [...] You may have the memories of a man four centuries old, Rand al'Thor, but that does not make you ancient. [...] Now, if you would be kind, fetch me some tea.
Rand: Yes, Moiraine Sedai. *goes to do so, then stops, realizing what just happened* beat
Moiraine: Merely seeing if that still worked.
Rand: *like a little kid* I never fetched you tea.
- And he does make it for her. The punchline is her internal comment that the only way to get really good tea anymore (with everything spoiling) was to get it made by Rand.
- Also in Ebou Dar, Mat and Rand finally see each other after ten books and the conversation quickly escalates, despite Rand being a prisoner at the time. The scene has shades of Han and Luke being taken before Jabba the Hutt in Return of the Jedi.Mat: What did you do to your hand, by the way?Rand: What did you do to your eyes?Rand: Lost it capturing one of the Forsaken.Mat: Capturing? You're growing soft.Rand: Tell me you've done better.Mat: I killed a gholam.Rand: I freed Illian from Sammael.Mat: I married the Empress of the Seanchan.Rand: Mat, are you really trying to get into a bragging contest with the Dragon Reborn? beat Besides, I cleansed saidin. I win.Mat: Ah, that's not really worth much.Mat: (walking away a short time later) By the way, I saved Moiraine. Chew on that as you try to decide which of the two of us is winning.
- The entire scene with the Seanchan fashion designer coming up with an "appropriate" outfit for Mat, culminating with him finally admitting to himself that yes, he was a bloody noble.
- Although it's extremely bad news for the forces of the light, Mat has a wonderfully deadpan reaction:Mat: Huh. Gareth Bryne is a Darkfriend.note
- At one point during the Last Battle, Pevara, using their Psychic Link, sends stern disapproval and implication of talking in the near future to Androl. Androl is, rather than angry, impressed that she managed to give him a death glare mentally without even looking at him.
- The way that Androl gets the seals back from Taim. He sneaks into Taim's camp disguised as one of his lackeys only for Taim to immediately pick him out and ask him why he is there, he starts to explain that he had followed 'Androl', Taim shouts that he does not care about that one and hits him with a painful weave, Androl stumbles into him as he recovers (swiping the seals). Taim then hits him with another weave, this time to disguise him so he can get close to and kill Logain.Androl: "You're... making me look like Androl,"
- Mat's hilarious use of the undead villagers of Hinderstap in the Last Battle. The denizens of Hinderstap are cursed by the Dark One to continuously slay each other and be reborn in their village every day... so he talks the entire village into being easily slaughtered in one of his weaker fronts... only to have an Asha'man open a gateway to their village while they're in their berserker phase, right into the division of soldiers that had consolidated themselves after slaughtering them. The division of soldiers, including three Dreadlords, are caught completely flatfooted at this, thinking their own Dark Lord of the Grave has turned on them, and are promptly slain to the last man by a bunch of villagers armed with carving knives and tools. Arming a small village just to have them break apart against trained soldiers? A few hundred marks worth of weaponry. Sending the curse of the Dark One against his own Darkfriends, turning the tide of the Last Battle in the process? Priceless.
- Moghedien's fate, forced into being a damane. AGAIN!.
- She even shouts "Not again!" when it happens.
- Similarly, Graendal's fate, having her own weave of compulsion knocked back at her by an exploding gateway, becoming Aviendha's adoring slave.
- The entirety of Androl and Pevara's relationship is this crossed with Heartwarming.
She glanced at his sword."I'm a Warder now." He shrugged. "Might as well look like one, eh?"He could cut a Trolloc in half with a gateway at three hundred paces, and summon fire from inside Dragonmount itself, and he still wanted to carry a sword. It was, she decided, a male thing.I heard that, Androl sent her.
- Three particularly good moments:
Androl: I purposefully brought us to a place far from where he was fighting.Androl: You know, Pevara, you are unusually smart-lipped for an Aes Sedai.Androl had been around long enough to know that a pretty face was nothing compared to the type of solidity a woman like Pevara displayed. Control, steadiness, determination. These were things that only proper seasoning could bring.It was the same thing with leather. New leather was fine, but really good leather was leather that had been used and worn, like a strap that had been cared for over the years. You never knew for certain if you could rely on a new strap. Once it had been your companion for a few seasons, you knew."I'm trying to read that thought," Pevara said. "Did you just...compare me to an old strap of leather?"He blushed."I'll assume it's a leatherworker's thing.""Well, you keep comparing me to...what is it? A bunch of little figurines?"She smiled. "My family."The ones killed by Darkfriends. "I'm sorry.""It happened very, very long ago, Androl.""Light," he said. "I keep forgetting that you're older than most trees, Pevara.""Hmmm..." she said. "First I'm a strap of leather, now I'm older than trees. I assume that, despite the several dozen jobs you've had in your life, none of your training involves how to speak with a lady?"
- After escaping an attack by Demandred.
- The moment after Birgitte has just been called back by the Horn of Valere after Mellar killed her and she and Elayne are arguing about the Queen going into battle to show her troops she's not dead:Birgitte: "Stubborn fool..."Elayne: "I'm not the one who just refused to stay dead."
- Mat has a talk with Egwene about how everyone but him misremembers the old days:"I rode across the entire bloody continent, didnt I? Burn me, first Rand, then you. Is everybody going to chivvy me about those days? Gawyn, you want a turn?Yes, please."Shut up."
- After Mat realizes that the Shadow could've easily learned the army's plans at any point during their week-long planning session, he immediately discards it and formulates a new one. When Elayne asks him what the new plan is and he doesn't respond:Elayne: *weakly* "You're going to keep it in your head. You're going to lead the battle, and none of us are going to know what in the Light you're planning, are we? Otherwise, someone might overhear, and the news would travel to the Shadow."*Mat nods*Elayne: "Creator shelter us."Mat: *scowls* "You know, that's what Tuon said."
- When every piece of metal in Lord Jarid Sarand's camp - weapons, coins, even buttons - starts melting like wax, Jarid blames Elayne and claims he will have her head. Eri, one of his guards, points out that any person willing to bring him said head would have to bite it off.
- Jarid is not amused and threatens to cut off his tongue if he doesn't shut up. Eri is obviously unimpressed.
- "The Dark One's Dictionary, a parodic work a la Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary. Very outdated but still funny.Five Powers: Fire, Earth, Air (Wind), Water, and Spirit; the fundamental elements of the One Power. Fire burns Spirit, Spirit scatters Wind, Wind blows Water, Water erodes Earth and Earth smothers Fire. There was a saying among male Aes Sedai during the Age of Legends: "There is no river that enough earth couldn't dam or enough fire evaporate, nor is there a wind so strong that an earthen wall cannot deflect or a hot enough fire fend off its chill." Any equivalent saying among women is irrelevant.
- The Wheel of Time Drinking Game. Do not attempt.
- "Isam's" summaries of the first ten books. An affectionate, but absolutely merciless parody that amounts to ''The Wheel of Time'' Abridged. (Sadly, they've become difficult to find, but here is the summary for The Dragon Reborn.)
- The full list can be found here.
- On a related note, How to Wrap Up ''The Wheel of Time''. (Wall of Text ahoy, but it is worth the read.) Judging by the date (Feb. 2001), this was written after Winter's Heart, but it's Hilarious in Hindsight considering everything Sanderson did to pick up the pace of the last few books.