Friends Seasons 4 To 6 / Funny

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Season 4

401: TOW the Jellyfish

Chandler, Joey and Monica explaining what happened to them at the beach after Monica was stung by a jellyfish and remembered one folk remedy for the sting:
Ross: Eeww! You peed on yourself?!
Phoebe, Rachel: Eeww!
Monica: You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't...bend that way. So... (looks over at Joey)
Ross, Phoebe, Rachel: (Beat, then they all turn to Joey) Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!
And then Joey's declaration of friendship: "If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you!"
Ross and Rachel breaking up again.
Rachel: And hey, just so you know: it's NOT that common, it DOESN'T happen to every guy and it IS a big deal!
Chandler: I knew it!

402: TOW the Cat

After ripping his suits on the entertainment unit once too often, Chandler forces Joey to advertise it for sale. However, as Phoebe wraps up a set at Central Perk (a funny moment on its own), Ross reads the advertisement and suspects a bit of embellishment has taken place:
Phoebe: ... DUMB, DRUNKEN BITCH! [angrily strums a few last chords on her guitar; the customers applaud politely, and her anger vanishes] Thank you! Thanks! [joins the other five around the table]
Ross: [to Chandler and Joey] Hey, here's a question. Where'd you guys get the "finest oak east of the Mississippi"?
Chandler: Nuh-uh. First, you tell us where you got the prettiest lace in all the land.
Joey and Chandler being robbed blind because Joey was foolish enough to let himself be locked in the same cabinet in which Chandler trapped him when the unit was originally built in "TOW Frank Jr.". Chandler does not take it well when Joey reveals that getting into the cabinet was his own decision:
[Chandler enters the apartment and throws his keys where he thinks the table is; when he hears them fall to the floor, he knows something is wrong, and looks up to see the apartment empty of everything except the entertainment unit and the ceramic dog. Even the fridge and bathroom have been emptied, and the thief has written "THANKS FOR ALL YOUR STUFF!" on the Magna Doodle]
Chandler: OH MY GOD!
Joey: What?
Chandler: [hurries over to the entertainment unit] Are you all right?
Joey: Yeah...
Chandler: [removes the hockey stick the thief put through the handles and opens the door] What happened??
Joey: [emerging from the cupboard] Aw, man! He promised he wouldn't take the chairs!
Chandler: What the hell happened!? How were you locked in there? Where the hell's all of our stuff?!
Joey: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit, and- and he said he didn't think it was big enough to fit a grown man! [shrugs]
Chandler: [dumbfounded] So- you got in voluntarily!?
Joey: I was trying to make a sale! Aw, man, if I ever run into that guy again, you know what I'm gonna do?
Chandler: BEND OVER?!
Later, when Rachel and Phoebe are listing all the boys' stolen property:
Rachel: Wow, they really got you guys! Your TV, the chairs...
Phoebe: Yeah. Your microwave, your stereo...
Joey [playing with a deck of cards] Aw man, he took the five of spades! [gets to the bottom of the deck; perks up] Oh, no no, here it is. [Chandler lies back in despair]
Monica: [entering] Oh my God, what happened?
Chandler: [hops to his feet] Oh. Um, Joey was born, and then 28 years later... I WAS ROBBED!
[...]
Ross: [entering] Hey. So, what'd the insurance company say?
Chandler: Oh. They said, uh, "You don't have insurance here, so stop calling us."

403: TOW the Cuffs

Chandler handcuffed in Rachel's boss' office in his underwear. Then getting revenge by leaving her handcuffed in her underwear. One of the funniest parts is when Chandler is handcuffed to one of the drawers of the filing cabinet and he pulls it open with his arm, causing it to hit him in the head. Even funnier: it was unscripted.
Chandler: I'm gonna say this for the last time. Would you please just... [pulls drawer open and it hits him in the back of the head]

406: TOW the Dirty Girl

As the episode opens, Ross is at the tail end of a successful date with the very attractive Cheryl (Rebecca Romijn). The rest of the gang can't believe his luck:
Cheryl: [standing outside Central Perk with Ross] So, thank you for the delicious dinner.
Ross: You're welcome for a delicious dinner.
[inside, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Monica are all watching Ross and Cheryl]
Phoebe: Hey, what are you guys looking at?
Chandler: Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world.
Phoebe: [looks at Ross and Cheryl] Yeah, come to papa!
[Cheryl leaves and Ross enters the coffee shop to be greeted by five very amazed looks]
Ross: [proudly] I know!
Monica: Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the ass on her?
Chandler: Where did you- when did you- how did you- [gets a Dope Slap from Joey] How did you get a girl like that?
Rachel: Yeah, so what is she, like a... like a spokesmodel, or an aerobics instructor, what?
Ross: Actually, she's a palaeontology doctoral candidate, specialising in the Cenozoic era.
Chandler: Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era.
Ross: I've seen her at work, but I always figured, [as if to say "out of my league"] ah-huh? But, uh, I made her dinner. We had a great time. And we're going out again tomorrow.
Rachel: Well, maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek.
Ross: Fine by me, hope she wins.
Joey: [to Chandler] Hey, we should have a contest. Yeah. See who can bring home the most beautiful woman.
Chandler: That's a good idea, Joe. We could call it life. [Joey looks bewildered]
Monica, still between jobs and short on funds, falls headfirst into a hilarious non-sexual Double Entendre:
Monica: [talking on the phone while exiting her bedroom] Yeah, once again, I am sorry. Thank you. Bye. [hangs up; to Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler] I just had to turn down a job catering a funeral for sixty people.
Rachel: [horrified] Oh my God! What happened?
Monica: Sixty guests.
This episode continues the story arc of Chandler being in love with Kathy, Joey's girlfriend; her birthday is coming up, so Chandler gets her an early edition of her favourite book from childhood, The Velveteen Rabbit (for which he had to contact a couple of author Margery Williams' grandchildren). Realising it will make his crush on her embarrassingly obvious, he tries to goad Joey into buying an even better gift (Rachel pre-emptively shoots down his first idea: a coupon for an hour of "Joey love"). Unfortunately, Joey being Joey, the gift he buys is... less than impressive:
Joey: [entering Monica and Rachel's apartment with a shopping bag, which he drops on the kitchen table] Man! It is so hard to shop for girls! [sighs, exhausted]
Chandler: [looks at the bag] Yes it is, at Office Max!
Rachel: What did you get her? [she is clearly dreading the answer; her dread is justified as Joey pulls a rectangular box out of the bag and opens it to reveal...]
Chandler: A pen.
Joey: It's two gifts in one. It's a pen... that's also a clock! [demonstrates; Rachel takes it and studies it] Uh?
Chandler: [chuckles in disbelief] Huh-huh, you can't give her that.
Joey: Why not?
Chandler: Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah! [stomps off]
Rachel: [off Joey's confused look] Okay, honey, what he means by that, is... [thinks] While this is a very nice gift, maybe it's just not something a boyfriend gives?
Joey: Sure it is! She needs a pen for work, she's writing, she turns it over, [looks at the clock] "Whoa! It's time for my date with Joey!" [Rachel looks unconvinced]
Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... [thinks] What did you get for Angela Delvecchio for her birthday?
Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out.
Chandler: For three years!?
Eventually, Chandler gives Joey the book to give Kathy as a birthday gift, while Joey gives Chandler the pen-clock to give her as his gift. But Kathy knows who really bought which gift:
Kathy: Um, thank you for the gift.
Chandler: [sheepishly] Oh, uh... yeah, I just, I just knew that sometimes when you're writing, you... you don't always know the exact time.
Kathy: [laughs] No, I... I didn't mean the pen. Thank you for the book.
Chandler: [feigning ignorance] Uh, the book?
Kathy: The Velveteen Rabbit. Kinda have the feeling you had something to do with it.
Chandler: What do you mean?
Kathy: Well, uh, when Joey gave it to me, he said, "This is 'cause I know ya like rabbits, and I know ya like cheese."
As for Ross and Cheryl, they break up when he discovers her apartment is a complete pigsty, with garbage covering every surface and a rodent problem. In The Tag, Monica shows up and asks to be allowed to clean for her:
[Cheryl's apartment; there is a knock at her door, which she opens to reveal Monica]
Monica: Hi. Uh, you... you don't know me, I'm Monica Geller, Ross' sister.
Cheryl: Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, that's too bad that didn't work out.
Monica: Yeah. Anyway, he told me about your apartment. And, um, well, I-I couldn't sleep, thinking about it. So, uh... [picks up a bucket of cleaning supplies] would it be okay if I cleaned it? [Cheryl shrugs in confusion and closes the door] No? I won't be able to sleep! [but Cheryl doesn't come back; Monica looks up and down the hallway, then pulls out a sponge and starts scrubbing the door frame]

407: TOW Chandler Crosses The Line

Ross debuts "the Sound" he spent most of his high school and college years refining... which involves programming a keyboard to play a cacophonous mishmash of sound effects, including animal noises, breaking glass, sirens, and laser noises, over a standard 12-bar blues riff. (He has at least one other disk of sound effects that includes helicopter noises.) Rachel, Monica, and Chandler are aghast; Phoebe is enraptured and gets Ross a spot performing at Central Perk.
Joey's response to Chandler admitting he was "totally over the line" in becoming the other man in Joey's relationship with Kathy.
Joey: Over the line? You... you... you're so far past the line that you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!

408: TOW Chandler in a Box

While Chandler spends Thanksgiving shut up in a giant box as punishment from Joey for seeing Kathy behind his back, it's revealed that Monica is dating the son of her old fling, Richard. She responds to the gang's mockery with a Continuity Cavalcade:
Ross: ...if things ever work out with you and Richard's son, you can tell your kids that you slept with their grandfather!
[Beat]
Monica: Fine, judge all you want to but... [points to Ross] Married a lesbian! [at Rachel] Left a man at the altar! [at Phoebe] Fell in love with a gay ice dancer! [at Joey] Threw a girl's wooden leg into a fire! [at Chandler] Lives in a BOX!

410: TOW the Girl from Poughkeepsie

Rachel is talking about how she wants a relationship, even a short one. Gunther silently walks up, ready to pounce. Rachel (never noticing him) specifies that she wants a man. Gunther's face falls and he slinks away.
Chandler sets Rachel up with one of his coworkers but makes the mistake of telling him that Rachel just wants a fling (which she has told him is the case). This causes Rachel to chew him out when she learns of it, because by then she's started to like the guy enough that she might want more than that. Chandler's attempts to fix the situation are neither successful nor well-received:
Rachel: Patrick just ended things with me. Did you or did you not tell him I was looking for a serious relationship?
Chandler: [proudly] I did! I absolutely did!
Rachel: You idiot!
Chandler: I'm sure you're right, but why?!

411: TOW Phoebe's Uterus

Monica's sex lesson. Not to mention the Brick Joke at the end when Kathy runs into the kitchen, hair in disarray and shirt buttoned in the wrong holes, and starts dramatically thanking Monica.
Ross and Joey ending the segregation in the museum but everyone starts saying Too Much Information about themselves.
Tour Guide: I'm Ted, I just moved here a month ago, and New York really scares me.
Scientist: I'm Andrew, and I didn't pay for this pear!
Tour Guide: I'm Rhonda, and these [indicates her breasts] aren't real!
Scientist: I'm Scott. [...] I have to flip the light switch on and off 17 times or my family will die!

412: TOW the Embryos

The entire "Who Knows More About Whom?" game pitting Chandler and Joey against Monica and Rachel, with Ross as questionmaster and $100 on the line.
- The main game involves each team answering ten questions from four categories: Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and It's All Relative. The game gets off to an inauspicious start with the coin toss:
  Ross: [clears the coffee table] Now. The coin toss, to see who goes first. [he tosses the coin up in the air... and all four players simply watch it land, none of them saying a word. Ross looks put upon as he picks up the coin] Okay... somebody call it this time!
- The first round reveals that Monica detests animals dressed as people while Chandler is terrified of the way Riverdance and Lord of the Dance star Michael Flatley's legs flail about as though independent of his body. In the second round, the guys choose It's All Relative:
  Ross: [reading question] Monica and I had a grandmother who died. You both went to her funeral.^note Name that grandmother!
  Joey: [to Chandler] Nana?
  Chandler: She has a real name!
  Joey: [thinks, then points excitedly at Ross] Althea!
  Chandler: Althea!? What are you doing?!
  Joey: I took a shot!
  Chandler: You're shooting with Althea!?
  Ross: Althea is correct!
  Chandler: [in the same outraged tone of voice] Nice shooting!
  [Ross updates the score, then points at Monica and Rachel]
  Rachel: WE'LL TAKE LITERATURE!
  Ross: [reading question] Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What name appears on the address label?
  Rachel: [stands up, excited] Oh! Chandler gets it! It's "Chandler Bing"!
  Monica: [stands up, angry] NO!
  Ross: I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to "Chnandler Bong". [Joey and Chandler grin]
  Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use your head! [she and Rachel sit down again]
  Chandler: [triumphantly] Actually, it's "Miss Chnandler Bong".
- Surprisingly, by the tenth question, it's Rachel rather than Monica who is a bundle of energy:
  Ross: [updates the scoreboard] All right. The score is 9 to 8 in favour of the guys. Ladies, if you miss this, the game is theirs. Pick your category.
  Rachel: ITSALLRELATIVE! [even Monica is shocked]
  Ross: [grimaces] You don't have to shout everything.
  Rachel: I'M SORRY!
- As Monica correctly (and "unfortunately", according to Chandler) identifies the name of Chandler's dad's all-male Vegas burlesque as "Viva Las Gay-gas", the score finishes 9-9. Luckily, Ross reveals that he prepared a tiebreaker: "The lightning round!"
  Monica: You guys are dead! I am so good at lightning rounds!
  Chandler: [standing up and making a "No way!" gesture with his finger] I majored in lightning rounds. All right? We're gonna destroy you!
  Monica: Wanna bet?
  Chandler: [deadpan] Huh, I'm so confused as to what we've been doing so far.
  Monica: How about we play for more money? Say... a hundred and fifty?
  Ross: One hundred and fifty dollars!
  Chandler: Say... two hundred?
  Ross: Two hundred dollars!
  Monica: [glares at him] You're doing it again.
  Ross: Excuse me.
  Rachel: Monica, I don't wanna lose $200.
  Monica: We won't!
  Rachel: Okay.
  Monica: [to Chandler] Three hundred?
  Rachel: Monica!
  Monica: I'm just trying to spice it up!
  Rachel: Okay, so then play for some pepper! Stop spending my money!
- But eventually, higher stakes are agreed: if Monica and Rachel win, Chandler and Joey have to get rid of the chicken and the duck. If Chandler and Joey win, they swap apartments with Monica and Rachel. Rachel has doubts; Monica, not so much:
  Monica: Rachel, I have not missed one question the whole game, I own this game! Look at my hand! [holds it up]
  Rachel: [studies it] Why, do you have the answers written on there?
- Chandler and Joey go first:
  Ross: The lightning round begins [to Chandler, who is jumping up and down in anticipation] stop it... NOW. [starts timer] What was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?
  Joey: Big fat goalie! [points to Monica]
  Ross: Correct! [Monica looks sad; Rachel puts her arm around her] Rachel claims this is her favourite movie.
  Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons.
  Ross: Correct. Her actual favourite movie is...
  Joey: Weekend at Bernie's. [grins and points at Rachel, who looks embarrassed]
  Ross: Correct. In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14? [Chandler gets an excited look and whispers in Ross' ear; Ross grimaces in disgust] EW, NO! [Monica glares at Chandler] Her EAR! [Chandler and Joey shrug] All right, Monica categorises her towels. How many categories are there?
  Joey: Everyday use...
  Chandler: Fancy...
  Joey: Guest...
  Chandler: Fancy guest...
  Ross: Two seconds.
  Joey: [panics] Uh, eleven!?
  Ross: [stops timer] Eleven. Unbelievable. Eleven is correct!
  Joey, Chandler: YES!
- And, after exchanging the series' signature PG-rated version of Flipping the Bird with each other, the two teams swap places, with Monica and Rachel needing four correct answers to tie, five correct answers to win. They get off to a promising start, but come unstuck on what seems like a simple question...
  Ross: The lightning round begins... [starts timer] NOW. What is Joey's favourite food?
  Monica: Sandwiches!
  Ross: Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast?
  Rachel: 14?
  Ross: No, 19.
  Chandler: [sarcastically] Thanks man! [Joey looks at him as if to say "19!? Really?!"]
  Ross: Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was...
  Monica: Maurice!
  Ross: Correct. His profession was...
  Rachel: Oh - space cowboy!
  Ross: Correct! [Joey grins proudly and nods until he notices Chandler glaring at him and shaking his head] What is Chandler Bing's job?
  [Monica and Rachel are both utterly silent, Joey gets excited while Chandler gets a "You seriously don't know this!?" look]
  Rachel: Oh... oh, gosh! It has something to do with numbers...^note
  Monica: And processing!
  Rachel: [stammers] He carries a briefcase!
  Ross: Ten seconds, you need this or you lose the game. [Rachel starts to panic]
  Monica: It's, uh... it has something to do with transponding...
  Rachel: OH! OH! OH! HE'S A TRANSPONST— TRANSPONSTER! [Chandler, Joey, and Monica look at her in disbelief]
  Monica: THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD! No, I can get this, I can get this...
  [Ross stops the timer and looks at them as if to say "Sorry, you lose!"]
  Rachel: Oh my God....!
  Monica: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
  Chandler and Joey: YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!^note
At the end of the episode, we are treated to Chandler and Joey gliding in to their new apartment triumphantly on the big white dog, followed by a five-way argument breaking out (until Phoebe reveals that she is pregnant with Frank Jr. and Alice's baby):
Rachel: Y'know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean!
Joey: Hey, don't get mad at us! No-one forced you to raise the stakes!
Rachel: That is not true! [indicating Monica] She did! She forced me!
Monica: Hey, we would still be living here if you hadn't gotten the question wrong!
Rachel: Well it was a stupid, unfair question!
Ross: Don't blame the questions!
Chandler: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment!? You are ruining moving day for us!

413: TOW Rachel's Crush

After the apartment switch, the gang are still gravitating toward spending time in what is now Chandler and Joey's apartment, which plays havoc with Monica's insecurities. In a bid to retain her role as the group's party hostess, she bakes cookies and wafts the smell across the hall; Phoebe and Joey are the first to notice. However, in the outtakes, Matt LeBlanc couldn't resist having fun with the scene...
Phoebe: What do I smell?
Joey: [raises his hand sheepishly] Sorry. [the cast break character and start cracking up]
[reset for another take]
Phoebe: What do I smell?
[Beat]
David Schwimmer: [breaking character] LeBlanc. [more laughter]
Monica being spun around by a floor polisher.

414: TOW Joey's Dirty Day

The episode opens as Joey prepares to leave for a three-day fishing trip with his dad, during which he can brag about being cast in a film with Charlton Heston. However, Chandler is taking the demise of his relationship with Kathy very hard, leading the others to be concerned about Joey leaving him alone. Joey assures them that his absence won't make a difference, as Chandler always follows the same pattern after a breakup:
Monica: Hey, Joey? I don't think that you should leave Chandler alone. I mean, it's only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week.
Joey: Look, there's nothing I can do for him right now, he's still in his sweat pants. [looks at Ross, who nods] That's only Phase One. Y'know? I'll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two.
Monica: What's Phase Two?
Joey: Gettin' drunk and goin' to a strip club! [Ross nods again; Monica gives Rachel and Phoebe a perturbed look]
Rachel: How does going to a strip club make him better?!
Ross: [in a "Duh!" tone of voice] There are naked ladies there.
Joey: Oh, and it helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women.
Ross: There are naked ladies there too.
With Joey gone, Ross tries to nudge Chandler toward Phase Two, only to tumble headfirst into That Came Out Wrong:
Chandler: [sitting in one of the recliners, trying to flick playing cards into a bowl on the other recliner as Monica, Phoebe, and Ross surround him] You know, I can't believe Kathy did this to me. I really thought that she was the one. Well, I'll tell you what! From now on, I'm not getting out of this chair, ever! Okay, from now on, this chair is the one! [prepares to throw another card] You know what else is the one? My sweat pants! [goes back to throwing cards]
Ross: Come on, man, just, just take the sweat pants off, okay, just take 'em off and we'll have some fun. [Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe give him disturbed looks; Ross looks embarrassed at his verbal gaffe]
Phoebe: Wow, and I can never resist that line. That's why I never wear sweat pants.
But Joey returns from his fishing weekend... after three days without a shower and a fall into the tub of worms at the bait stand. Ross, Monica, and Phoebe instantly recoil from his terrible BO; as for Chandler, when Ross tells Joey that he hasn't moved from his recliner in two days, Joey decides to check in with him. Chandler doesn't say a word, but his disgusted expression as he jumps out of the chair to get away from the smell says it all.
Joey: Hey, y'see that, he just needed his pal to come home.
Joshua invites Rachel to the opening of a nightclub in which he has invested and puts her on the VIP list; however, this invitation comes immediately after Mr. Waltham has persuaded Rachel to take his niece Emily (introduced in this episode) to a performance of Die Fledermaus. With Monica working, Phoebe suffering morning sickness (in the evening), Chandler still in Phase One, and Joey being described by Monica as "that thing you smell," Rachel is running out of options for someone to send to the opera in her place - until...
Rachel: [sees Ross sitting in an armchair eating a cracker; she smiles] Hi!
Ross: [knowing full well where this is going] Hi.
Rachel: So...?
Ross: [pretends to think about it for a moment] No...
Rachel: [groans] Oh, come on!...
[there is a knock at the door]
Monica: [heads for the door] I think she's here.
Rachel: No - wait, wait, wait - Ross, please.
Ross: You want me to take some girl I've never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy. [sarcastically] Hm. Yeah, that... that is a toughie...
But Ross eventually agrees, although Rachel's attempt to communicate the change of plans to Emily hits a bit of a snag:
Rachel: [as Monica opens the door to reveal a soaked Emily carrying an umbrella] Emily!
Emily: Yes.
Rachel: I'm Rachel Green.
Emily: [enters the apartment, sighing with relief] Thank goodness! [shakes some of the rain out of her hair]
Rachel: Yeah. There has been a teeny, teeny change of plans. Turns out... I'm not free tonight-
Emily: [venomously deadpan] Really. [laughs in disbelief] Well, that's just lovely, isn't it. I must have missed your call, even though I didn't leave the flat all day.
Rachel: Oh, well, no, I ju-
Emily: [shifting to just plain venomous] No no no no! That's not rude. It's perfectly in keeping with a trip where I've already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip searched at John F. Kennedy Airport. Apparently, to you people, I look like someone who's got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum!
Monica: I, I, I think you look great.
Emily: Good night. It was very nice to meet you all. [storms off; Ross gets a "What am I getting myself into!?" look]
Rachel: [points in the direction in which Emily departed] I'll get her.
Ross: [deadpan] Please hurry.
Rachel: Okay. [does so]
Phoebe: Don't you just love the way they talk?
Joey continues to marinate in his foul odours when he spends the rest of the evening learning his lines for his film, then oversleeps and has to run ten blocks to the studio, now into his fourth day without a shower. The funniest moment comes when he runs into Rachel on his way out:
Rachel: [as Joey almost bowls her over...] Hey! Whoa! Slow down! [... then the smell does bowl her over] No. Keep moving. [Joey runs off as Rachel fans the air] Whoa!
Unfortunately for Rachel, as she relates to Monica and Phoebe, her date with Joshua came to nothing; her name was misspelled as "Rachel Greep" on the guest list, and someone else claiming to be "Rachel Greep" was allowed in instead - although she did punch a woman who tried to steal her umbrella. Phoebe's attempt to console her features a classic Cloudcuckoolander moment:
Rachel: [sitting in one of Chandler and Joey's recliners] Ugh! I can't believe this! All I wanted was just a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so that he could go ahead and start falling in love with me. [sighs]
Phoebe: [walks over and starts rubbing the top of Rachel's head] Aw, Pheebs...
Rachel: [looks confused] Honey, that's your name.
Phoebe: That's short for "Phoebe"? I thought that's just what we called each other!
Chandler enters, seemingly on the cusp of Phase Two, but Joey is already gone. Then the phone rings, and as Monica answers it, Rachel gets a nasty shock about how Ross' evening with Emily went...
Monica: [listens, then turns to Phoebe, Rachel, and Chandler] He's with Emily at a bed and breakfast in Vermont!
Phoebe: What? Oh my God!
Rachel: What? Who the hell is Emily- [remembers and gasps] Noooo...
[cut to commercial; cut back from commercial]
Rachel: They're in Vermont!? How could this happen?! [flails her arms, swatting Chandler in the process]
Chandler: [glares at Rachel] Ow.
Rachel: How did he end up in Vermont with that awful WITCH!? [flails her arms again, hitting Chandler again]
Chandler: Maybe she doesn't hit him all the time!
[cut to Ross and Emily's room at the B&B in Vermont]
Ross: [on the phone] When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who wouldn't be miserable? I'm telling you, once I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person!
Emily: [racing into the room] Ross! Come quickly! There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!
Ross: [to the phone] I gotta go! There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! [throws the phone onto the bed and rushes out with Emily; cut back to Monica and Rachel's (currently Chandler and Joey's) apartment]
Monica: [hangs up the phone; deadpan] He had to go, there was a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.
Rachel: I don't get this, she was HORRIBLE! [flails her arms and hits Chandler yet again]
Chandler: Okay, I'm gonna go stand over there. [points, then walks in the direction in which he was pointing]
With Joey and Ross unavailable, Chandler despairs of ever moving to Phase Two, so to keep him from backsliding to Phase One and help him get to Phase Three, the girls take him instead. It's a miserable experience for Chandler.
Chandler: Y'know what? I think I'm just gonna go home and call Kathy.
Phoebe: Well, if you think it will help.
Chandler: No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I'm gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy, and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I'm gonna get so drunk, I'm gonna wanna call Janice.
Phoebe: You should! How is she?
[Chandler groans in frustration]^note
By the end of the day, Monica has succeeded in convincing a stripper Chandler rates as one of the club's hottest to quit her job and become a teacher, and Chandler is in a bigger funk than ever. Just as he's about to regress to Phase One, the girls talk about which strippers they'd date if they were gay. Chandler's interest is piqued and escalates the more they talk, until he finally reaches Phase Three... followed by the hitherto undiscovered Phase Four.
Chandler: I am totally picturing you with all those women!
Monica: That's-that's not Phase Three.
Chandler: Well, I'm there, too!
Rachel: Well, are we all together? Like in a group?
Chandler: Stop it! You're killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four!
Phoebe: Oh! What is that? What is that?
Chandler: Where I don't want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!^note

415: TOW All the Rugby

Monica is being driven up the wall by a light switch in Chandler and Joey's apartment (which is still her and Rachel's apartment at this point) that doesn't seem to do anything. At one point, she turns off the switch, identifies four dead outlets, and plugs noise-making appliances into each one. When she flips the switch, Joey can't resist Trolling her:
Monica: This switch thing has been driving me crazy! So, I turned it off and checked every outlet. Now, four of them don’t work, which means one of them has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets that, that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on, I just follow the noise... and find out which one it is! [smiles proudly]
Joey: [to Rachel] I bet I stopped listening before you did.
Rachel: Y'know, you, you also could've used, uh, lamps and then followed the light.
Monica: [in a "Where were you and that idea fifteen minutes ago!?" tone of voice] Yeah, well, I'm using noise. [Rachel shrugs] Okay. All right! So, is everybody ready? Here we go! [she flips the switch, and something starts humming] I hear something... I hear something, where is it? [starts running around the apartment trying to find the noise; Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey look around as well... until Rachel realises Joey is the one humming. He feigns innocence]
Rachel: It's coming from Joey! [Monica gives Joey a Disapproving Look as he continues humming]
Phoebe: Oh my God, that's so freaky, turn him off!
Later in the episode, Rachel enters the apartment to find Monica reading on the sofa and a peculiar number of pictures drawn on loose leaf paper and coloured with felt tip pens surrounding the door. Monica claims she thought they'd brighten up the place; an immediately suspicious Rachel starts tearing down the pictures to reveal giant holes in the plaster. For extra laughs, look at the title of the book Monica is reading when Rachel returns: Like a Hole in the Head by Jen Banbury.
Rachel: [pulling down a picture to reveal another hole] Oh my God! Look at this!
Monica: Okay, but there is a wire back there! I mean, that switch is connected to something!
Rachel: I don't care! The wires have come loose in your head!
Monica: I just thought that if I could follow the wire I could find out what it did.
Rachel: And did you?!
Monica: No. It disappears back there behind that baseboard. For a minute there, I thought it went downstairs. [Rachel notices an unfolded newspaper on the floor; she picks it up and gasps at the revelation of yet another hole] But it didn't. Say hello to Mrs. Katrakis.
Rachel: Oh my God...
Mrs. Katrakis: [from downstairs] Hello darling!
Rachel: Hello, Mrs. Katrakis!
Monica: Hey, Mrs. Katrakis, do you know Kenny? [points to the ceiling]
Rachel: You have got to be kid- [looks up] WOW! [jumps back and screams]
Chandler crosses paths with Janice again and can't stand all of her annoying habits anymore. Rather than just say he doesn't want to get back together, he lies about his company transferring him to Yemen soon. It gets harder and harder to maintain this story, as Janice helps him pack and goes with him to the airport, insisting on staying until the plane pulls away from the gate.^note Ultimately, admitting the truth just isn't an option.
Chandler: [boarding a plane to the Middle East] I'm going to Yemen! [to a fellow passenger] When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?
As for the subplot that gives the episode its name, Ross and Emily run into two of Emily's friends from England, both of them burly rugby players, so Ross talks his way into playing a game with them. Rachel, inevitably, is unsupportive of the idea; Joey is dubious but ultimately sides with Ross - at someone else's expense:
Joey: All right, come on, look, Ross can take care of himself! It's not like he's... Chandler!
Chandler: [from his bedroom, sarcastically] Thanks!

417: TOW the Free Porn

This episode sees Phoebe discovering that she is going to have triplets - which poses a financial conundrum considering that Alice is a home economics teacher in the public school system and Frank Jr. has just started studying to become a refrigerator repairman. So Phoebe presents a money-making idea to Monica, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey by producing a large case containing serrated knives and an empty Fresca can:
Phoebe: Now, don't you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? [effortlessly slices the can in two with one motion of the knife and shows off the two pieces] Haaa! [puts the pieces down and picks up the knife] Now. I know what you're thinking!
Chandler: "Pregnant Woman Slays Four"?
Joey and Chandler find that they've somehow gotten access to a porn channel they're not paying for. The super says this happened to him once, but he turned off the TV only to find he couldn't get it again. So the entire episode, they keep the porn playing in their apartment. Which finally leads to this exchange during the credits:
Chandler: [walks in] Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault.
Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me. Woman pizza delivery guy comes over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves.
Chandler: What? No, like, "Nice apartment, bet the bedrooms are huge"?
Joey: No, nothing.

418: TOW Rachel's New Dress

Phoebe is given the honor of naming one of the triplets she's carrying, and Joey and Chandler each try to convince her to name it after them. Joey runs down Chandler's name, saying it's not even a real name. Chandler realizes Joey is right, and decides to choose another name. Eventually, Phoebe brings him around, saying she's going to name the baby Chandler, but he has to keep the name. She leaves, and Chandler starts cackling evilly while pointing at Joey, whose reaction is priceless.

419: TOW All the Haste

The Book Ends. At the beginning, there is a singing man in the apartment across the street from Rachel's bedroom who sings in the morning to start the day, which greatly annoys her. At the end of the episode, after Joey and Chandler return to the apartment, Joey is woken up by the same guy, but sings along with him.

420: TOW the Wedding Dresses

Joey has developed a particularly loud snoring problem, and Chandler tries to persuade him to seek treatment at a sleep clinic. Monica recalls that she once dated a light sleeper who would roll her over if she snored in the night. So Chandler tries this the next time Joey starts snoring... only to discover something else about Joey's sleep habits:
Chandler: [entering a snoring Joey's bedroom] All right, buddy. Time to roll over. [he grabs Joey's shoulder and forearm and rolls him onto his back... and jumps back in horror] NO NO! NO NO N-N-N-N-NO! [covers his eyes and turns away from Joey; after taking a moment to re-centre himself, he points at Joey, hands still over his eyes] You are going to a clinic! You're going to a clinic... and a pyjama store!
At the clinic, Joey is the worse for wear after having to stay up all night in preparation for the study. Then an attractive female patient sits down near him and Chandler:
Chandler: [waking Joey, who has dozed off] Hey, check out that girl! She is really hot!
Joey: [half-asleep] Yeah, she is. Wow... [goes back to fully asleep] How you doin'?... You're lookin' good!... [the other people in the waiting room give him perturbed looks; Chandler slaps his shoulder to wake him up again] WHAT!?
Chandler: You're coming on to the entire room!
Every scene involving wedding gowns. Culminating in Rachel, Monica and Phoebe sitting in a couch, drinking beer in bridal wear.
Phoebe: At least you didn't get yours from a store called "It's Not Too Late".
After Rachel finds out that Ross and Emily are getting married in one month she starts to freak out. She calls Joshua to Central Perk and suggests they get married too. Gunther happens to be standing nearby and overhears the entire conversation.
Joshua: Rachel uhh, you're a special lady, but my divorce isn't final yet and, and, and we've been on four dates. So I'm thinking: "No, but thanks."
Gunther: YOU IDIOT!!!

422: TOW the Worst Best Man Ever

An argument about who gets to be Ross's best man turns into an argument about who gets to be Chandler's best man:
Chandler: I'm not even getting married! This is a question for science fiction writers!
One of Phoebe's babies is kicking:
Monica: Isn't that a good thing?
Phoebe: Not me; it's kicking one of the other babies! [yells down her shirt front] Don't make me come in there!
Chandler doesn't know Gunther's last name and guesses that it's "Centralperk". Later when they suspect a stripper of stealing the wedding ring and need a fake name to give her to question her, he says his name is "Gunther Centralperk".
Chandler tells Ross to be cool about the theft of the ring, and naturally Ross loudly demands to know where his grandmother's wedding ring is. Joey appears to be doubled over behind Ross's back. This is because Matt LeBlanc is laughing at David Schwimmer's frenzied delivery of the lines.
The three guys finding out who is the actual thief of the ring - the duck. Ross and Chandler performing a Double Take as the realisation strikes them is funny enough, but it's Joey's overdramatic late reaction that makes the scene downright hilarious.

423-24: TOW Ross's Wedding

The heavily-pregnant Phoebe, trying desperately to stop Rachel from going to London, realizes that she can't actually physically do anything as Rachel runs out the door:
Phoebe: Like I can really chase you; I'm carrying a litter!
Perhaps the funniest Bedmate Reveal in the entire series:
Ross: [bursting into Chandler's hotel room, deliriously excited] I'M GETTING MARRIED TODAY! WOOO!
Chandler: [deadpan] Morning, Ross.
Ross: I'M GETTING MARRIED TO-DAY!
Chandler: Yeah, y'are!
Ross: AH-WOOHOO! [leaves and closes the door after him]
Monica: [appearing from under the covers next to Chandler] D'you think he knew I was here?
Hugh Laurie's guest appearance. After being an unwilling audience to Rachel's explanation of why she is flying to London, he delivers a "The Reason You Suck" Speech to which Rachel doesn't have much of a counterargument, then rubs salt in the wound...
Rachel: [talking to the passenger across the aisle, who has a copy of Jen Banbury's Like a Hole in the Head and looks as though he is mentally comparing listening to Rachel's story to just that]^note So then I realise, all the stuff that I have been doing - proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about why I couldn't come to the wedding - was all just a way of-
Man by the window: [snaps and removes his headphones] Oh, oh, oh, OH! I'm sorry, can I interrupt? Yeah, I just want to say that you... are a horrible, horrible person!
Rachel: [taken aback] P- pardon me?
Man by the window: You say you love this man, and yet you're about to ruin the happiest day of his life! I'm afraid I have to agree with your friend "Pheebs". This is a, this is a terrible, terrible plan.
Rachel: But he has to know how I feel!
Man by the window: But why? He loves this, this Emily person! No good can come of this.
Rachel: [scoffs] Well, I-I think you're wrong!
Man by the window: Oh no! [bites hand]
Rachel: [scoffs again] Well, he doesn't really love her, I mean, it's just a rebound thing from me! [points at him] You'll see!
Man by the window: Fortunately, I won't. [goes to replace his headphones, then removes them again] And by the way, it seems to be perfectly clear that you were on a break! [replaces his headphones]
Rachel: [gasps in shock]

Season 5

501: TO After Ross Says Rachel

Once the ceremony is (awkwardly) concluded and Ross and Emily walk back down the aisle:
Joey: Well, that went well. Yeah.
Chandler: (shrugs) It could’ve been worse, he could've shot her.
Phoebe, who heard the whole altar debacle over the phone, calls Emily's stepmother in a half-baked attempt at damage control:
Phoebe: Hello, this is Ross Geller's personal physician, Doctor...Phalange. I've discovered that Ross forgot to take his brain medicine. And without it in the brain of Ross, women's names are interchangeable through no fault of his own.
Mrs. Waltham: Oh my God, Phoebe.
Phoebe: ... No, not Phoebe, Doctor Phalange. Oh no, you have it too!
Chandler and Monica are about to have sex in the plane bathroom. Monica's already there and Chandler's about to follow when Joey shows up and talks his ear off about how he thinks the giant from My Giant is more talented and taller than him.

502: TOW All the Kissing

In The Teaser, Monica ducking under the water to stop Joey from discovering her having a bath with Chandler.
Chandler: [off Joey's reaction to the sight of him seemingly alone in a candlelit bubble bath with a glass of wine] I've had a long, hard day.
When Joey leaves and Monica pops back up, Chandler apologizes and tells her that Joey offered chicken...which Monica kinda wants, so Chandler calls him back as Monica hides again and places an order, with her doing something under the water to make him change the order for a Coke to a Diet Coke.
As Chandler gets up to leave for work after Rachel returns from Greece, he reflexively kisses Monica goodbye - in front of Rachel and Phoebe. He tries to cover his mistake by kissing them goodbye as well, and repeats this several times during the episode.
Joey: What the hell was that!?
Monica: Probably some... y'know, European goodbye thing he picked up in London, I... [shrugs]
Rachel: [scoffs] That's not European!
Phoebe: It felt French.

503: The One Hundredth

Joey proves that he can make any sentence sound dirty. Case in point: "Grandma's Chicken Salad."
Joey's doctor explains that his kidney stones are in a position that means the only options are for him to pass them on his own or they could try going up the urethra to remove them, a suggestion Joey does not take well.
Joey: Woah-oh. No-no-no-no-no, nothing is going up! Okay? "Up"..."up" is not an option - what's a urethra?
(Monica whispers an explanation that makes Joey's eyes go very wide)
Joey: (to the doctor) ARE YOU CRAZY?!
Rachel tries to set herself and Monica up with two male nurses at the hospital at which Phoebe is having the triplets. Chandler's jealous reaction very nearly sinks his budding relationship with Monica, but he finally talks his way back into her good graces, and she goes to cancel her date with the nurse. Chandler breaks into a happy dance...
Monica: [without even turning around] Don't do the dance.
Chandler: Right. [stops dancing]

504: TOW Phoebe Hates PBS

In The Teaser, Monica and Chandler come perilously close to having their relationship become "public knowledge", requiring some fast - and not especially convincing - thinking from both of them:
[Rachel, having just returned home, sorts through the mail, finds something addressed to Monica, and heads over to knock on her bedroom door]
Monica: [seductively] Come in... I've been waiting for you...
Rachel: [looks confused, but shrugs it off and heads into Monica's bedroom] Hi, I just wa- AHHHH! OH MY GOD! [runs back out again, covering her mouth] Oh my God! Monica! Oh my God! Oh, God...
Monica: [racing out of her room, hastily fastening a bathrobe] I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I-I was, um, I was taking a nap!
Rachel: Wha...? Since when do you take naps in that position!? [Monica looks embarrassed] Oh, God, Monica, please tell me you were waiting for a guy, please tell me you were waiting for a guy!
Monica: [grabbing onto this explanation] Yes! Yes I was! A guy! From work! [smiles] I'm seeing a guy from work! HA!
Rachel: [gasps] That cute waiter guy from your restaurant! The one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta!
Monica: [points at Rachel] Uh-huh! That one!
Rachel: Y'know what? Just give me a second, I'll be out of your hair, I'm just gonna grab a jacket, [does so and starts putting it on] when I get back... I want every little detail. [Monica grins and points at her... only for her grin to vanish when someone knocks on the door] Maybe that's him...
Monica: [flustered] Okay, um... okay... um... [Rachel opens the door, and in walk...] It's just Joey and Ross. [smiles with relief]
Rachel: Why aren't you guys at the movie?
Joey: [edgily, grabbing a beer from the fridge] Well, we were, but Ross was talking so loud on his phone, they threw us out!
Ross: [covers the mic on his phone] I had to talk loud because the movie was loud! [storms off]
Joey: He's talking to London.
Monica: Oh my God! Did he get in touch with Emily?
Joey: Well... no, not yet, he's calling everyone on her side of the family hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her.
Ross: [into phone] I-I-I don't care if I said some other girl's name, you prissy old twit!
Joey: Ross! [gives him a sarcastic thumbs up] Way to suck up to the family.
[Chandler enters, tossing a bottle of champagne end over end and chuckling with anticipation... and very quickly shifting gears to discomfort when he sees Rachel, Joey, and Ross there as well. Monica looks embarrassed while the other three look bewildered]
Chandler: I'm so glad you guys are all here, my office finally got wrinkle-free fax paper!
In the first scene after the opening credits, Joey enters Monica and Rachel's apartment in a tuxedo. Chandler's reaction is hysterical, as is Monica deciding she doesn't want an explanation of said reaction:
Joey: [entering] Hey. [closes the door behind him]
Chandler: [jumping up from the kitchen table and pointing at Joey in horror] Oh no no n-n-n-n-n-n-no, vomit tux! No, no, vomit tux! [shifts one hand into a warding gesture and holds his nose with the other]
Joey: Don't worry, I had it dry cleaned! [Chandler calms down and sits down again]
Monica: "Vomit tux"?? Who vomited on... [long pause] Y'know what... what'cha up to, Joe?
Once Ross finally gets estranged wife Emily on the phone, he gets so excited that he shushes everyone and then hands Chandler a lamp for no reason at all. It's random and hilarious - and unscripted. David Schwimmer randomly picked up and handed off the lamp, and the look of confusion on Matthew Perry's face is genuine as he had no idea it was going to happen.

505: TOW the Kips

When Joey almost walks in on a tryst between Monica and Chandler in the middle of the night, they succeed in convincing him that it's 9AM when it's really 3 - Joey apparently has never been awake at 9. Even funnier: he goes into the bathroom to clean his teeth; seconds later, Chandler opens the bathroom door to reveal Joey, sitting on the toilet with his toothbrush in his mouth, fast asleep.
Ross is dreading telling Rachel that his only way back into Emily's good graces involves never seeing Rachel ever again, to the point that he is chugging Pepto-Bismol straight from the bottle. However, circumstances keep de-railing his attempts to break the news.
- Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe's excuse for leaving Ross and Rachel alone involves flipping Monica's mattress:
  Joey: So I'm thinking, basically, we pick it up and then we flip it.
  Phoebe: Yeah, that's better than my way.
- Remembering being stuck in the room for hours the last time Ross and Rachel had a long and painful conversation about the demise of their relationship in "TO the Morning After", Joey has thought ahead and stashed a box in Monica's room containing snacks, reading material, games, and...
  Chandler: Condoms!?
  Joey: You don't know how long we're gonna be in here! We may have to repopulate the Earth.
  Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?
- Unfortunately for Ross, Rachel is reading her mail when he tries to tell her about Emily's wishes, and she receives sad news from home:
  Ross: Anyway, it, it kinda, it all boils down to this: the last time I talked to Emily-
  Rachel: Oh my God! My dog died!
  Ross: What?
  Rachel: Oh my God! Le Poo, our dog!
  Ross: Le Poo's still alive? [Rachel impatiently shoves the letter in his face] Ohh. Sorry.
  Rachel: Oh God, it says he was hit by an ice cream truck and dragged for nine... [turns the page over] ...teen blocks. [breaking down] Oh... [Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler exit Monica's room, prepared for the worst] Oh my God...
  Monica: Sweetie, we heard you crying, please don't cry...
  Rachel: It's Le Poo...
  Phoebe: I know it's le poo right now, but it'll get better.
- So Ross tries again at Central Perk, but Rachel's grief over her dog's death causes her nose to start bleeding:
  Rachel: [tilting her head back] Oh, okay, so I'm sorry, what- what were you- what did you want to tell me?
  Ross: Um... [Rachel blows her nose]
  Rachel: Sorry, sorry.
  Ross: Okay, I, uh, I can't see you anymore.
  Rachel: [still looking at the ceiling and not at Ross] Yeah, I know, it's ridiculous, I can't see you either!
- On the third attempt, Ross finally communicates to Rachel that Emily has forbidden him from seeing her again. Rachel is livid, doubly so when he says he has already agreed to it, so she storms out - even after Ross points out that they're in her apartment.
- Later, Rachel shares her frustration with the other four at Central Perk - but chooses a rather tactless way to express it:
  Rachel: Ugh. You know, it was just a matter of time before someone had to leave the group. I just always assumed Phoebe would be the one to go.
  Phoebe: [offended] Ahh!?
  Rachel: Honey, come on! You live far away, you're not related, you lift right out!
Rachel later patches things up with Phoebe and suggests the two of them break away and form their own social group (Phoebe asks if they can bring Joey as well, thus leaving Chandler and the Gellers on their own). Then Ross arrives as Phoebe leaves:
Phoebe: Bye, Ross! (whispers) Forever.
Joey of all people is the first to figure out that Monica and Chandler are dating; his reaction is priceless. He puts the pieces together after remembering that Chandler mentioned seeing Donald Trump waiting for an elevator at his conference and that the hotel where Chandler stayed called about an eyelash curler left in his room - and then...
Phoebe: [entering Monica and Rachel's apartment; everyone else except Ross is there] Hey.
Monica: [joining Phoebe in the kitchen] Hey!
Phoebe: Oh hey, Monica, I heard you saw Donald Trump at your convention.
Monica: Yeah! Saw him waitin' for an elevator.
[Joey gets a "Wait a minute..." look, but shrugs it off]
Monica: [looking in her purse] Hey Rach, can I borrow your eyelash curler? I think I lost mine.
Rachel: Yeah, it's in the bathroom.
[Joey's eyes suddenly go VERY wide; he points at Monica and looks back and forth between her and Chandler as his jaw drops in shock]
Joey: OH! [points at Chandler] OH!
Chandler: [quickly] Joey, can I talk to you for a second?
Joey: OOOH! [points at Monica] OH-OH-OH!
Chandler: [grabbing Joey's hand and dragging him toward Monica's bedroom] Joey, I need your-
Joey: [continuing to point back and forth between Chandler and Monica] OH! OH! OH-OH-OH! [Chandler bundles him into Monica's bedroom as Monica runs in after them; Rachel and Phoebe exchange "What the hell was that!?" looks. In the bedroom, Chandler shoves Joey onto the bed...] OHHHH! [... and covers his mouth as Monica enters and closes the door behind her; Joey continues pointing between Chandler and Monica] MMM! MMMMM!
Chandler: JOEY! [waits for him to stop yelling, then uncovers his mouth and anticipates the obvious question] ... Yes. Yes.
Joey: [to Chandler] You!? [to Monica] And-and you?!
Monica: Yes! But you cannot tell anyone, no-one knows!
Joey: How?! When?!
Chandler: It happened in London.
Joey: IN LONDON?! [Chandler and Monica freak out and signal him to keep his voice down]
The final scene of the episode cuts back to Phoebe and Rachel out in the living room as the above conversation is going on.
Phoebe: We're so stupid. Do you know what's going on in there? They're trying to take Joey!

506: TOW the Yeti

Ross is putting up advertising flyers for a huge furniture sale he's having at Emily's behest. Gunther won't let him put the flyers up in Central Perk, but changes his tune when Ross explains the reason for the sale:
Monica: What is that?
Ross: Oh, um, I'm just getting rid of a couple of things.
Monica: [looking at the flyer] This is all of your things.
Ross: Yes, yes it is! No, but it's good, it's... Emily thinks we should get all new stuff. Stuff that's just ours, together. Y'know, brand new.
Monica: So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Rachel-ever-touched sale.
Ross: [deflated] Touched, used, sat on, slept on...
Gunther: [overhearing] I'll take it all.
When Emily calls Ross and everyone says hi, she asks who's there (obviously fishing to see if Rachel is there).
Emily: Hello everyone! So who am I saying hello to?
Joey: Well uh, I don't know about who's here, but I can tell you for damn sure who's not here and that's Rachel!
And later, when Ross decides he can't keep up the charade and reveals that Rachel is in fact there, Chandler tries to act like they just didn't see her.
Emily: She's there?!
Chandler: Oh yeah, there-there she is!
Sadly for Ross, this is the final death knell for his marriage to Emily, as she admits that she can't trust him anymore. We do, however, get the payoff of the Brick Joke about his furniture:
Rachel: Ross, honey, is there anything we can do?
Ross: Yeah. You can help me get my furniture back from Gunther.

508: TOW All the Thanksgivings

On Thanksgiving in 1978, in the wake of the Bing family's divorce announcement, four little words turn the situation from depressing to hilarious (for the audience, not so much for young Chandler).
Cabana Boy: More turkey, Mr. Chandler? [flirty wink as Chandler gives his father a look of disbelief]
Phoebe offers a story of the time she was a field nurse during the American Civil War and got her left arm blown off. Nurse Phoebe responds to this horrible injury with a mildly annoyed "Oh, no". Ross interrupts to tell her they're only allowed to share stories from this life.
Phoebe: Oh this life? Okay, no, Chandler's is worse.
On Thanksgiving in 1992, Joey puts Monica's turkey on his head to scare Chandler and then can't remove it.
- Matt LeBlanc's mournful delivery of "It's Joey!" is made even better by it being muffled from the turkey.
- When he, Monica, and Phoebe spend a few seconds brainstorming for ways to remove the turkey, Joey holds his hand to his chin - or, rather, the turkey's backside - in a thoughtful pose.
- "I'm gonna spread the legs as wide as I can!"
- And when Joey does scare Chandler, given he can't see, he keeps pointing in the wrong direction.
Chandler finds out Monica trying to get revenge on him for calling her fat on Thanksgiving in 1987 is the reason he lost his toe on Thanksgiving in 1988.
Chandler: That's why for an entire year people called me "Sir Limps-A-Lot"!?
[...]
Ross: [grinning] "Sir Limps-A-Lot". I came up with that.
Joey: You're a dork.
Monica trying to cheer Chandler up by putting a turkey on her head.

509: TOW Ross' Sandwich

Ross, already struggling with anger issues after the Thanksgiving leftover sandwich Monica made for him was stolen from the museum employees' fridge (a struggle "helped" by a threatening note Phoebe wrote for him to stop the replacement sandwich from being stolen), does not take it well when his boss reveals that he ate the sandwich - well, sort of, he actually threw most of it away...
Dr. Ledbetter: [chuckles] Oh, you know what? I, I'm sorry, I... I, I believe I ate that.
Ross: [long pause] You ate my sandwich?
Dr. Ledbetter: It was a simple mistake, it could happen to anyone.
Ross: [his Tranquil Fury gradually becoming less tranquil] Oh, rea-really? Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich with a Moistmaker?^note
Dr. Ledbetter: No, I-
Ross: Do you perhaps remember seeing a note on top of it?
Dr. Ledbetter: There may have been a, a, a joke or... limerick of some kind...
Ross: That said it was MY sandwich!
Dr. Ledbetter: Now- now calm down... come look in my office, uh, some of it may still be in the trash.
Ross: [stands up, struggling mightily to keep his composure] What?
Dr. Ledbetter: [also standing up] Well, it was quite large, I... [stammers] I had to throw most of it away!
Ross: You - you - you - you threw my sandwich away!? [exterior shot of the museum] My sandwich!? [shot of a flock of pigeons in Central Park] MY SANDWICH?! [the pigeons scatter]
This exchange, after Ross has been given a tranquilizer:
[Ross enters Central Perk, eating a large wad of cotton candy; Chandler and Monica are on the sofa]
Chandler: Ross?...
Ross: [sees Chandler and grins ear to ear] Hey Chandler! [his grin fades as he turns to look at...] Monica...
Monica: Ross, are you okay?
Ross: I'm fine! I saw a psychiatrist at work today.
Monica: Why?
Ross: On account of my rage.
Chandler: Which, if I may say, right now is out of control.
Ross: [giggling] He gave me a pill for it!
Monica: A pill.
Ross: Uh-huh! Well, when the psychiatrist told me I had to take a leave of absence because I yelled at my boss, I started to get worked up again. [takes a deep breath] So he offered me a tranquilizer! And I thought it was a good idea... so I took it!
Monica: Wait a minute... they're making you take time off work?
Chandler: And you're okay with that?
Ross: [grins and shrugs] I dunno! [thinks] It's gonna be weird not having a job for a while, but I... I definitely don't care about my sandwich! [starts giggling again]
Chandler: Yeah, y'know, I hate it when they make me see the shrink at my office. You know, he's always like "Oh, maybe your colleagues will like you better if you like yourself better". Who needs that?
Monica: You do.
Chandler: I know!
In the Phoebe/Rachel subplot, Phoebe registers for an English literature evening class, and Rachel decides to join her, but her claim to have read Wuthering Heights in high school turns out to be a lie. So she asks Phoebe what it's about, and Phoebe gives her the classic high school English "moors = mirror of Heathcliff's personality" simile... which Rachel then regurgitates after the teacher asks the class about the themes of the book, leaving Phoebe with nothing to present. Fast forward to the next class, and Rachel once again skips reading Jane Eyre (she reads an issue of Vogue instead), so Phoebe Trolls Rachel by telling her Jane Eyre is a cyborg...
Rachel: Ugh! That was so embarrassing! I can't believe you let me go on and on like that!
Phoebe: [smirking] I'm sorry. It was just so funny when you started comparing Jane Eyre to RoboCop.
Rachel finding a naked picture of Monica meant for Chandler but blamed on Joey. Hell, the entire scene is one.
Rachel: He has naked pictures of us, then he eats chicken, and then he looks at them!

510: TOW the Inappropriate Sister

From The Teaser, Ross is bored out of his mind while out of work, having been to the bank, the post office, and the dry cleaners, then re-organising the fridge to put meat and dairy on the bottom shelf (contents: zero), fruits and vegetables on the middle shelf (contents: a single tomato), and expired products on the top shelf (contents: everything else). Joey tells him he needs to pace himself, and demonstrates by prank-calling Chandler at work:
Chandler: Hello, Chandler Bing?
Joey: [falsetto] Hello, Mr. Bing. I love you.
Chandler: Look, whoever this is, stop calling. It's been six months, it's not funny!
Joey: I can see you, Mr. Bing. You look sexy in your new suit ^note
Chandler: LEAVE ME ALONE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LEAVE ME ALONE! [hangs up]
Joey: [to Ross] And that's Wednesday! [leans back in his recliner and gives a satisfied sigh]
The episode's A plot is set in motion when Monica finally loses patience with Rachel's "plan" to lure Danny, introduced in "TOW the Yeti", into going out with her.
Rachel: [as Danny enters Central Perk] Oh my God. Okay, you guys, here's Danny, watch. Just watch this. [Danny crosses to the counter and orders a cup of coffee to go] See? Still pretending he's not interested. [Ross and Joey share a confused look; Danny crosses back with his coffee] Okay, he's coming over. Just pretend like we don't know him - we've forgotten who he is.
Danny: Hey guys!
Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, Ross: Hey Danny.
Rachel: [glares at the other five, but avoids making eye contact with Danny for a few seconds, then...] Oh Danny! Hey!
Monica: [puts a hand to her forehead] Danny? You know Rachel. You know, she's nice, she's not bad to look at, right?
Rachel: [deadpan] Thanks, Mon.
Danny: Of- of course!
Monica: Do you wanna go out on a date with her?
Rachel: Monica!
Danny: Ab- absolutely! Is Friday okay? [Rachel mutters to herself]
Monica: Friday is perfect, she can't wait.
Danny: On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly, right? All right, see you Friday! [leaves]
Rachel: Okay - what the hell was that? You know what - don't answer me. [giddily] I have a date with Danny! HA!
Phoebe is one of the bell-ringers at a Salvation Army Christmas donation spot, but people also give her trash and one person sets the charity on fire by tossing in a cigarette. She grabs a passer-by's coffee cup and tosses the contents in, lighting the whole thing further ablaze:
Phoebe: What's in this? [sniffs the cup] ...It's nine o'clock in the morning!
The episode's title refers to the gang noticing Danny and his sister Krista are a little too close.
- It starts with Rachel returning to her and Monica's apartment after seeing Danny with his arm around Krista (whom Rachel does not know is Danny's sister) as they board the subway together. Monica assures Rachel that after their date, Danny will forget all about the "stupid subway girl". The funniest part of the scene comes after Rachel heads into her bedroom - and Monica quickly ushers a half-dressed Chandler out of her own bedroom and through the front door... after which he immediately returns for just long enough to kiss her goodbye.
- Rachel is introduced to Krista when she and Danny return to his apartment from their date, and she is more than a little put off by behaviour she later describes to Monica and Ross as "wrestley". The Geller siblings note that they wrestled when they were younger (Monica boasts that she was undefeated; Ross points out that she weighed 200 pounds), but not anymore - not, Ross claims, since he got too strong for Monica. Inevitably, they decide to get into a bout of wrestling right then and there, and as they begin grappling with each other, a deadpan Rachel thanks them for their help.
- Monica and Chandler join Rachel in finding Danny and Krista's relationship bordering on incestuous after a gathering at Central Perk during which Krista feeds Danny cake off her finger and then wipes icing off his crotch after it falls off mid-bite (Chandler almost squirming out of his chair as he watches the latter is especially hilarious); Joey, true to form, is a few steps behind the others:
  Chandler: [after Danny and Krista have departed] Oh my God!
  Monica: That was unbelievable.
  Rachel: Okay, see? I told you!
  Joey: Yeah, wow, sorry Rach.
  Chandler: I don't believe they're brother and sister!
  Joey: [flabbergasted; points toward the door] They're brother and sister!?
  Chandler: [spends a few seconds visibly wondering how Joey can be so clueless, then turns to Rachel] So I guess you're gonna have to cancel your date.
  Monica: And call their mother!

511: TOW All the Resolutions

The Teaser finds the gang and the obligatory assortment of 24-Hour Party People watching the Times Square ball drop on TV at midnight on New Year's Eve, with Chandler and Monica dejected that they can't kiss at midnight without raising eyebrows they'd rather not raise. Joey, at this point still the only one to know about their relationship, puts on an uncharacteristic display of quick thinking to dilute the effect. The funniest parts are Ross and Rachel's identical reactions to the same logic in different contexts and Phoebe's reaction to Joey subtly reeling her into the plan:
Ross: [hopping up and down] 33! 32! 31!
Joey: Ross, Ross, Ross! [Ross stops hopping] Ross, listen! Who are you kissin' at midnight, huh? Rachel or Phoebe?
Ross: What?
Joey: Well, you gotta kiss someone! Can't kiss your sister!
Ross: Well, who's gonna kiss my sister?
Joey: Chandler!
Ross: [grimaces] Aw, man, really?
Joey: Dude, dude, who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or Chandler?
Ross: That's a good point. Well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe.
Joey: Okay, great! [walks over to Phoebe, who is standing behind the sofa] Pheebs! Pheebs! Listen, Ross wants to kiss you at midnight!
Phoebe: [rolls eyes] It's so obvious, why doesn't he just ask? [smiles and heads over to Ross]
Joey: [gives Chandler and Monica a thumbs up and turns to see Rachel walking out of the kitchen] Rach! Rach! Listen, I'm gonna kiss you at midnight.
Rachel: What?
Joey: Well, everyone's gotta kiss someone. Can't kiss Ross, you got the history.
Rachel: So?
Joey: So, who would you rather have kissing you, me or Chandler?
Rachel: Oh, good point. [nods]
Partygoers: THREE! TWO! ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR! [a cacophony of noisemakers goes off as Joey and Rachel kiss, Ross and Phoebe kiss, and Chandler and Monica kiss - a bit more passionately and for a bit longer than the other two pairs, but not enough to attract attention]
Chandler: Happy New Year.
Monica: Happy New Year.
Ross: Happy New Year, Pheebs.
Phoebe: You too!
Rachel: Happy New Year, Joey!
Joey: ... so, that do anything for you? [Rachel looks perturbed]
Then there are the actual resolutions. They range from the mundane - Monica's is to take more photographs of the gang - to the bizarre - Phoebe's is to pilot a commercial jet - to, well...
- Joey's resolution is to learn how to play guitar, since he lists that on his resumé. Phoebe offers to teach him, but her teaching methods are unorthodox, to say the least; she won't let him actually hold a guitar for the first few lessons, and since she has no background in music theory, she refers to the chords by nicknames instead of note names. Then she discovers that Joey has been finding ways around the limits of her instruction:
  Phoebe: Tiger. [Joey moves his hand into what Phoebe has told him is the configuration for a guitar chord] Dragon. [Joey shifts his fingers] Iceberg! [Joey shifts his fingers again; Phoebe despairs] Joseph, did you even study at all last night?
  Joey: Yes, yes I did!
  Phoebe: Then do Iceberg!
  Joey: [to himself] G-sharp... [moves his fingers into position]
  Phoebe: [incensed] G... sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords? [Joey doesn't answer] Have you!? [Joey looks guilty] Oh my God...
  Joey: What?! I, I didn't touch a guitar!
  Phoebe: No, but you're questioning my method!
  Joey: No, I'm not questioning it, Phoebe, I'm sayin' it's stupid! [notices Monica standing between him and Phoebe, smiling] What? [the timer on Monica's camera goes off]
  Monica: Thank you! [goes to her bedroom]
  Phoebe: You know, none of my other... student... thought I was stupid!
  Joey: [leafing through the Yellow Pages] Your other student was YOU!
  Phoebe: Yeah - well - y'know, maybe you just need to try a little harder!
  Joey: And maybe I need to try a real teacher! Right here, here! [shows Phoebe an entry in the Yellow Pages] Andy Cooper! He teaches guitar! And look, ooh, there's a nice picture of him with a little kid, yeah, and the kid's got a guitar!
  Phoebe: [as Joey storms back to his and Chandler's apartment] FINE! You go and learn from your... qualified instructor! But don't come crying to me when everyone is sick and tired of hearing you play "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown"!
  Rachel: [entering, singing] "Baddest man in the whole damn town..."
  Phoebe: Oh, fine, take his side! [leaves, slamming the door behind her and leaving Rachel thoroughly confused]
- Rachel's resolution is to gossip less - so naturally, this is the episode in which she learns of Chandler and Monica's relationship. She is desperate to tell someone, and settles on Joey, but he is already sick of keeping secrets (unaware that it's the same secret he's already keeping) and covers his ears and closes his eyes while singing tunelessly at the top of his lungs. Rachel gives up and leaves, then Chandler enters, sees Joey, and grins as he gets an idea. He picks up the chicken, which starts flapping its wings in protest, and holds it right in front of Joey's face. Joey opens his eyes... and screams.
- Ross' resolution is to try something new every day. He starts by asking out fellow Central Perk customer Elizabeth Hornswoggle, and the next day he buys a pair of skintight leather pants... which contract while he is wearing them on his date at Elizabeth's, forcing him to go into the bathroom and pull them down to his knees to cool off his legs. But then he can't pull them up again, and he calls Joey in a panic; Joey suggests talcum powder and moisturising lotion, but they combine to cover his legs in a white paste. Finally, Elizabeth gets concerned over the length of time Ross has spent in the bathroom, so he emerges, his legs still covered in paste and his pants crumpled into a ball and held over his crotch:
  Elizabeth: ... oh my God!
  Ross: [sheepishly] I had a problem.
- Finally, Chandler's resolution is to stop making fun of his friends. Ross wagers him $50 that he can't last a week, and in The Tag, Chandler gives in:
  Chandler: [entering Central Perk to find Ross, Monica, and Phoebe sat around the table] Oh good. Okay, look, I can't take it anymore, I can't take it anymore, so you win, okay? Here. [hands Ross $50] Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so you can get back to your home... planet! [Phoebe looks unamused] And Ross, phone call for you today, Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! [Ross looks embarrassed] And "Hornswoggle"!? What, are you dating a character from Fraggle Rock? [he lets out a long, loud sigh of relief; Monica takes a picture of him]

512: TOW Chandler's Work Laugh

Ross finds the other five already in Central Perk and orders a scone from Gunther, then tells the rest of the group that someone he knows is getting married, and weddings are happy, right? Oh, and "by the by", the person getting married is his now ex-wife Emily. When Gunther gives him the scone, he passes the plate to Rachel, puts the scone on the table...
Ross: [pounding the scone with his fist on each word] STUPID - BRITISH - SNACK - FOOD!
Chandler: Did they teach you that in your anger management class?
[...]
Joey: [looks at the flattened scone] Anybody gonna eat that?
The episode's A plot sees Monica and Chandler relishing not having to hide their status as a couple at social events thrown by Chandler's employers, until Monica discovers that Chandler has an irritating nasal fake laugh that he trots out for his boss Doug's bad jokes. Chandler tells her that she'll need a fake laugh of her own to get through the office party, so she develops one that must be heard to be believed; comparisons to barking seals are not unmerited. She trots it out again when Rachel asks if there is anything going on between her and Chandler.
Phoebe tries to mediate an argument between the duck and the chicken, which has unintended consequences for Ross' communication with Emily:
Phoebe: [the duck quacks] Okay, then what happened? [the duck flaps its wings; Phoebe gasps] Oh! Uh-huh, uh-huh... [the chicken clucks] Uhh- you'll get your turn!
Ross: [enters, dejected] Hey Pheebs, what's goin' on?
Phoebe: Nothing! [picks up the chicken] This is not over. [sets the chicken down on the floor]
Ross: [grabs a piece of paper from the counter where the chicken was sitting] No, no, no!...
Phoebe: What?
Ross: Ugh! I was up all night writing this really nasty letter to Emily, it was perfect, and now it's all covered in, in... [the duck quacks] Actually, thanks! [smiles]
As if two people with Annoying Laughs in one episode isn't enough, Ross gets so angry about Emily getting married to someone else that he wanders off and ends up hooking up with Janice.
Janice: Uh, o-okay, uh, o-okay, I know what you all are thinking, but Chandler is in Yemen! I'm a young woman. I have needs. I can't wait forever.
Rachel: Yeah! No, that's what I was thinking. [gives Ross a Disapproving Look]
Janice: So I'm asking you, please, just take a moment... before you judge me.
Phoebe: Oh, nobody's judging YOU. [Monica, Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel turn in unison to glare at Ross]
When Joey and the others question him about what he's done, Ross says he and Janice actually have a lot in common.
[after Janice leaves, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, and Monica turn in unison to glare at Ross again]
Joey: So I guess you finished your book.^note [smirks] Had some time on our hands, did we?
Ross: Okay, look, I-I know what you guys are gonna say-
Phoebe: You two would have very hairy children. [Rachel nods]
Ross: ... Okay, I didn't know you would say that.
Rachel: Ross! Janice!?
Joey: All right, hold on, hold on, hold on. [walks over and puts his arm around Ross' shoulder] This is Ross, okay? He's our friend. He obviously went crazy. He obviously lost his mind.
Ross: Look, it's not that crazy, okay?
Monica: But it's Janice! I mean, she's... Janice! How drunk were you!?
Ross: Okay, Janice and I both have a lot in common! [counting on his fingers] We've, we've both been divorced. We, we both have kids.
Phoebe: So, are you actually gonna see her again?
Joey: Phoebe, don't put ideas in his head.
Ross: I am gonna see her again.
Joey: Dammit, Phoebe!
Janice breaks up with Ross because he keeps complaining about the various problems he's endured this season. The idea that he's become so whiny that Janice can't stand to be around him is a wake-up call for him.

513: TOW Joey's Bag

Joey starts wearing a bag around to try and improve his credibility as an actor. Chandler and Ross make much with the fun, until eventually Chandler runs out of ways to imply Joey's a woman, and just runs with.
Rachel: That bag is definitely going to get you the part.
Chandler: And a date with a man!
The subplot about Chandler lying to Monica about her terrible massages.
- He didn't want to hurt her feelings, but when he finally tells her the truth, she starts crying.
  Chandler: Okay, but now see, you're crying.
  Monica: I'm not crying about that. I'm crying about something that happened at work.
  Chandler: What?
  Monica: My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages!
  Chandler: It's okay. You don't have to be the best at everything.
  Monica: OH MY GOD, YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL!
- The way Chandler gets out of this is pretty good, too: telling Monica she gives the best bad massage.
- Earlier in the episode, when Monica finally learns she gives bad massages, deserves to be mentioned. Chandler had been avoiding telling her about them, until she tries to give him one in front of everyone. Naturally, she tries to go into one of her rants saying “But the minute we start to lie to each other-“ only to be cut off by Chandler’s “do you realize what you’re doing” and then realizes she’s about to let the cat out of the bag and blow their cover, quickly recovers with “and by WE, I mean society!”

514: TOW Everybody Finds Out

Phoebe's amazingly shocked/Squicked reaction to seeing Monica and Chandler having sex. She starts yelling "Chandler and Monica! CHANDLER AND MONICA!" (along with Rachel going "Oh my God!") and then she eventually covers her eyes and yells "MY EYES!"
Rachel: Phoebe, it's okay! IT'S OKAY!
Phoebe: NO, THEY'RE DOING IT!!
Rachel: I know, I know! I know!
Phoebe: YOU KNOW?
Rachel: YES I KNOW, AND JOEY KNOWS, BUT ROSS DOESN'T KNOW SO YOU HAVE TO STOP SCREAMING!!
After Phoebe sees Monica and Chandler having sex from the view out the window, she and Rachel pretend to be super-excited about Ross possibly getting the apartment to distract him from looking out the window. He even joins in the excitement by the end. It has to be seen to be believed.
Ross, finding out that Ugly Naked Guy is subletting his apartment, sends a bribe, and goes to the window to show the others:
Monica: Oh, is it that pinball machine with the big bow on it?
Ross: ... No.
Chandler: That new mountain bike?
Ross: ... No.
Monica: Well, what did you send?
Ross: ... A basket of mini-muffins.
Phoebe: But there's a whole table of mini-muffin baskets; which one did you send?
Ross: ... The small one.
Rachel: What? You-you actually thought that basket was going to get you the apartment?
Ross: Well...yeah. Someone sent us a basket at work once, and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day.
Chandler: Your work makes me sad.
Before leaving, Phoebe pinches Chandler's butt as part of her campaign to make him think she's into him.
Monica: Oh, my god... Oh, my god, she knows about us!
Chandler: Are you serious?
Monica: Phoebe knows, and she's just trying to freak us out. That's the only explanation for it.
Chandler: [give Monica a "Gee, thanks" look] Okay, but what about my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps? [feels his bicep] She knows!
Joey confesses to Chandler and Monica that both Phoebe and Rachel know about them... so Chandler and Monica decide to play along with Phoebe's fake flirting with Chandler, which the latter sums up with "Ah, yes... the messers become the messees!"
Inevitably, Phoebe and Rachel realise that Monica and Chandler are counter-messing with them, and so begins a "Who will crack first?" approach to the charade between them. Joey, as ever, is completely lost:
Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us!? They don't know that we know they know we know! [Joey shakes his head in utter confusion] Joey, you can't say anything!
Joey: I couldn't even if I wanted to.
The reaction of the group is priceless when they see Ross hanging out with Ugly Naked Guy while being naked himself!
Joey: Hey, hey, check it out, check it out! Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend! [Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe join him at the window]
Rachel: Oh yeah!... [all five of them slowly get utterly horrified looks] Oh my God, that's our friend! [Monica turns and buries her face in Chandler's shoulder] IT'S NAKED ROSS!
Chandler, Phoebe, Joey: Oh my God!/It is Ross!...
Rachel and a reluctant Joey help Phoebe prepare for her "date" with Chandler. Joey isn't paying particularly close attention to Phoebe's requests:
Rachel: Show time!
Phoebe: Okay, Rachel, get me perfume!
Rachel: Okay! [she runs off to do just that]
Phoebe: And Joey, get me a bottle of wine and glasses? [Joey trudges off to do just that; Rachel returns with the perfume and sprays it in the air in front of Phoebe, who walks into the mist and spins around in it. Meanwhile, Joey returns with a bottle and two mugs] All right! Thanks. But... um, glasses that do not have handles and that are glass. [looks at the bottle] And, um, wine that is not olive oil.
During the "Who will crack first?" fake date between Chandler and Phoebe, Rachel and Joey listen from the hallway, while Monica hides in Chandler and Joey's bathroom. When Phoebe tells Chandler she wants him to rub lotion all over her, he runs into the bathroom, ostensibly to get the lotion but actually to get re-assurance from Monica. As he is about to head back out with the lotion, he notices something different about the bathroom...
Chandler: Did you clean up in here??
Monica: Of course!
Chandler and Phoebe's flirting shenanigans. Phoebe 'dances' for him while promising she's 'very bendy', while Chandler just looks terrified the entire time.
Phoebe: So ... this is my bra.
Chandler: I'm so happy that we're going to have all the sex.
In The Tag, Ross, having succeeded in subletting Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, is meeting with his boss, Dr. Ledbetter, to prove that he's no longer angry. Then he sees Monica and Chandler fooling around through their apartment window:
Ross: Wait. No...! What? What are you doing?! [as Dr. Ledbetter beats a hasty retreat] GET OFF MY SISTER!!!

515: TOW the Girl Who Hits Joey

The entire opening scene where Ross confronts Chandler and Monica.
- Ross' rather hammy rage throughout the scene for the first half, complete with him sticking his head through the door (which is thankfully bolt locked) à la The Shining:
  Ross: Chandler! CHANDLER! [tries to open the door, but can only get it open a few inches because of the chain; Monica and Chandler jump up and hastily re-adjust their clothes] I saw what you were doing through the window, I saw what you were doing to my sister, NOW GET OUT HERE!
- Chandler's reaction to Ross clearly wanting to gut him is priceless:
  Chandler: [quickly] Listen, we had a good run. What was it four, five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime. So goodbye, take care, buh-bye then.
  [Chandler hastily kisses Monica, then heads for the apartment window]
  Monica: What are you doing?
  Chandler: Oh, I'm going on the lam!
- Monica opens the door for Ross and tries acting casual. Courteney Cox's delivery just sells it:
  Monica: ...Hey Ross! What's up, bro?
- Rachel and Joey arrive after having heard Ross scream:
  Rachel: Hey, what- what's going on?
  Chandler: [staring down an angry Ross] Well I think — I think — Ross knows about me and Monica?
  Joey: [whispering while making "cut" gesture at his throat] Dude, he's right there?!
  Everyone Else: [looks at Joey with a Death Glare, especially Chandler]
- After Chandler and Monica reveal they love each other and Ross gushily accepts it Joey says they should leave so Chandler and Monica can get back to what they were doing. Ross shoots him a Squicked look leading to this gem:
  Joey: Hey, I'm just talking here, he's the one doing your sister!
Joey's petite girlfriend, per the title, likes to hit Joey (playfully).
Rachel: She is so cute. You could fit her right in your little pocket.
Joey: I don't know. I mean, I like her a lot, and she's really nice, but...
Monica: But what?
Joey: She keeps punching me.
Chandler: [stifles a laugh]
Monica: In that cute, little sweet way she just did?
Joey: Hey, it's a lot harder than it looks, okay? She...She's hurting me.
Monica: Oh, see, I know what you need. You need a bodyguard. Hey, Ross, what is Ben doing after preschool?
[Ross and Phoebe laugh]
Chandler: Okay, listen. Joey is having a problem...with a little girl who's beating him up.
Rachel: Aw, Joey, come here. [holds Joey's hand] Look, honey, I know this must be really, really difficult for you — Oh, I'm sorry. Am I hurting you?

516: TOW a Cop

Ross buying a new couch.
- Ross apparently expects a lot of his new couch:
  Ross: I want my couch to say "Kids welcome" but also say (seductively) "Come here to me".
  Rachel: What? You say that to KIDS?
  Ross: No, no. It's for the ladies.
  Rachel: Ross, honey, it's a nice couch, it's not a magic couch.
- Ross' attempt to enlist Rachel and Chandler to get his new couch up several flights of stairs goes badly.
  Ross: [as the couch gets wedged between the balustrades] Pivot! Pivot! PIVOT!!
  Chandler: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
- In The Tag, Ross returns the couch, which appears to have been hacked in half with a chainsaw. He dodges the shop assistant's questions about whether the couch was delivered in that condition or he was the one who chopped it up, and tells her that he will accept store credit toward a replacement. The unamused shop assistant offers him $4 in store credit; Ross has to think about it for a moment before accepting.

517: TOW Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss

Ross' "bits" when he gets his new apartment.
Joey: Oh looklooklook, Ross is doing his "watching TV" bit.
(cut to Ross at the window sitting on his couch and watching TV)
Monica: No Joey, I think he's just watching TV.
(cut to Ross in his apartment, the TV is off and Ross just grins)
As Joey watches Ross' pantomimes, he inadvertently attracts the attention of a "hot girl" in the same building, and within seconds, she is motioning him to come over. He counts the number of floors and apartments, heads over to the building... and ends up at Ross' apartment. He sees her a second time, counts the number of floors and apartments again... and still ends up at Ross' apartment.
Joey: [as Ross answers the door] Damn it! Did you move!?
Ross: Yes. I lived with you guys for a while and then I found this place. [Joey looks at him in confusion] I'm Ross.
After hearing from Phoebe about being in that "can't keep our hands off each other phase with Gary" Monica is bugged that she's no longer in that phase with Chandler.
Monica: We have got to beat them.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Because... Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are.
Chandler: Oh. So?
Monica: "So?" So we've got to go upstairs and have a lot of sex and prove them wrong.
Chandler: You have got to stop this competitive thing. Okay? It's crazy. Just to impress Gary and Phoebe, you want me to go upstairs and have sex with you over and over and over and I'm saying no to this why? Get your coat!
Joey makes the mistake of going door to door in Ross' building in search of the girl with whom he was flirting, so that when Ross goes to the mailboxes, a flyer from Joey asking "the hot girl who waved at me" to call him is side by side with a flyer with a sketch of Joey labelling him an intruder and instructing residents to call the police if they see him. As it happens, the girl Joey was looking for, Jen, is checking her mail at the same time as Ross, and he works up the courage to ask her out. Meanwhile, Monica explains to Joey that he was counting the floors wrong, so he finally goes to the correct apartment... at the same time Ross is collecting Jen for their date, so that he answers the door again.

519: TOW Ross Can't Flirt

Ross' painful attempts at flirting with the cute pizza delivery girl who has short hair. She jokes with Chandler that her new haircut makes her look like an "eight year old boy" (Chandler says if that were true, gym class would have been a lot more interesting). When she comes to deliver pizza to them again, at the door Ross says, "You know I happen to like eight year old boys."

520: TOW the Ride Along

Rachel happens to be in Ross's apartment when Emily leaves a message saying she's thinking of backing out of her wedding. She calls Monica over to discuss whether they should tell Ross or delete the message:
Monica: She's obviously unstable, okay? She's thinking of running out on her wedding day. (Rachel turns to glare at her with pursed lips: she did that in the pilot. Monica sees this.) Okay, fine! But look at the position she's putting him in. And what's he gonna do? Like, Ross is gonna run over there on the wedding day and break up the marriage? Who would do that? (Rachel claps her hands, sighs, and turns with another glare: she did that in the previous season finale) Okay, fine, alright? But, y'know, that was different. Although it did involve a lot of the same people.
During the ride along, the group mistakes a car backfiring for a gunshot. Joey dives on top of Ross, but he later reveals he was actually trying to protect his sandwich.
The gang is discussing how they'd perform in a war. Monica asserts she would be great.
Monica: And you know I'd make general before any of you.
Chandler: Before or after you were shot by your own troops?

521: TOW the Ball

Rachel adopts a hairless cat.
Joey: That is not a cat.
Rachel: Yes, it is.
Ross: Why is it inside out?!
Later:
Monica: You have scratches all over. What happened?
Rachel: Well, it's my cat.
Monica: What?
Rachel: Oh, yeah, I got a cat.
Monica: I don't want a cat.
Joey: Oh, don't worry. It's not a cat.
Rachel: You guys, this cat is nothing like my grandmother's cat. I mean, it's not sweet. It's not cute. I even dragged that little string on the ground, and it just flipped out and scratched the hell out of me. And I swear—I know this sounds crazy—but every time this cat hisses at me, I know it's saying, [whispering] "Rachel."

522: TOW Joey's Big Break

The rapid-fire game invented by Phoebe never fails to be amusing, but the grand prize goes to Joey using Pheebs's "Would you rather sleep with Monica or Rachel?" question on Ross of all people.
Ross: Dude, you are sick.
(Joey looks perplexed for several seconds.)
Joey: Oh yeah, sorry, I shouldn't have asked that...you know, with that whole history you have with Rachel.
(Joey gets up and leaves while Ross looks incredulous.)
One of the episode's B plots focuses on Phoebe being angry at Ross for reasons she won't discuss - especially not with Ross himself.
- When Ross sits next to her on the sofa at Central Perk and she leans further and further away from him while holding a magazine right up to her face, he tries offering an apology for his mysterious slight, and it seems to work, until...
  Ross: [gets up to leave] I'll, uh... I'll see you later, okay?
  Phoebe: Bye. [to herself] Fatass.
  Ross: [snaps] ALL RIGHT! Phoebe, now come on! Would you please tell me what it is that made you so mad at me!?
  Phoebe: [huffily] I don't know, I don't remember!
  Ross: ... well, if you can't remember, can't we just forget about this?
  Phoebe: Ohhh no, I am mad at you, I know that much. But I am sorry about the "fatass" thing, 'cause you actually have a very sweet little heinie. [Ross reflects on this, then smiles and shrugs modestly before going back to looking confused]
- Ross finally tricks Phoebe into explaining the reason for her anger at him:
  Ross: Okay, Pheebs, I know how we're gonna figure this out. Clear your mind, and answer the first thing that comes into your head, okay?
  Phoebe: [smiles] Mm-hmm.
  Ross: What do you like better, flora or fauna?
  Phoebe: Fauna.
  Ross: Who would you rather be, Simon or Garfunkel?
  Phoebe: Garfunkel.
  Ross: Why are you mad at me?
  Phoebe: You said I was boring. [realises] Ohh!
  Ross: When did I say you were boring!?
  Phoebe: Oh my God, I remember now! We were playing chess!
  Ross: ... Phoebe, you and I have never played chess.
  Phoebe: Oh come on, yes, 'member, that time on the frozen lake, we were playing chess, you said I was boring, and then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz! [Ross looks thoroughly confused; after a moment, so does Phoebe] Okay, there's a chance this may have been a dream...
The other B plot has Rachel suffering from an eye infection, but she freaks out when anyone or anything comes near her eyes. Or anyone else's.
- She tries getting out of her eye appointment by spilling a box of cereal on the floor to get Monica to waste time cleaning it up. Monica confidently claims she won't be sidetracked by the mess and ushers Rachel out the door...before immediately coming back and wailing for Chandler to clean it up.
- Rachel is finally dragged to the optometrist, Dr. Miller, and prescribed eye drops (the alternative being to let the infection rage out of control until she needs to be fitted for a glass eye). But before they leave...
  Monica: Dr. Miller? [covers her eye and reads the eye chart] P, E, C, F, D.
  Dr. Miller: Very good, Monica! You know where they are!
  Monica: I sure do! [runs over to a drawer, opens it, and grabs a lollipop, which she brandishes triumphantly at Rachel] And you don't get one!
- Monica tries to put the drops in Rachel's eyes, but she's a big baby. In The Tag, the gang sans Joey are in the girls' apartment. Ross asks Rachel to hand him the TV Guide, and when she leans forward, Monica yells, "Go!" They all tackle her and hold her down while Monica administers the drops.
  [Rachel is sat between Phoebe and Ross on the sofa; Chandler is sitting on the back of the sofa, while Monica is in the kitchen]
  Ross: Hey Rach, can you pass me the TV Guide?
  Rachel: Yeah. [leans forward to pick up said publication]
  Monica: [jumping out of her chair] GO!
  [the other three leap into action; in a matter of seconds, Ross tackles Rachel to the floor and sits on her legs, holding one arm down while Chandler holds the other down and Phoebe grabs Rachel's head and holds her eye open]
  Rachel: WAAAAGH! What are you DOING!? Stop it! AHHH! Oh my GOD!
  Monica: Hold it open, okay... [puts a few drops into Rachel's eye]
  Rachel: AHHHHH!
  [Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica climb to their feet; Rachel is too shocked to do anything but lie there]
  Monica: [as she and the others walk off] We'll see you in about three or four hours!
  Rachel: [as Ross adds insult to injury by patting her on the stomach] Ugh!...

523-24: TO in Vegas

Phoebe confronting the lurker.
Phoebe: I'm gonna be on your ass every hour of every day till Monday because that's when I go home. When do you leave?
Lurker: Also Monday.
Phoebe: [in the exact same angry tone] What time? Maybe we can share a cab.
Ross and Rachel end up getting drunk in the hotel room after an escalating prank war on the plane sees Rachel with a permanent marker beard and moustache.
- Highlights include Rachel attempting to phone the front desk for "more alcohol and more beers", Ross falling over when trying to sit down and immediately asking a perplexed Joey if he's okay, and Rachel responding to Joey's "How YOU doin'?" with a flirtatious "I'm doin' good baby, how 'bout you?" Joey laughs, shortly before telling Ross to not let her drink any more.
- Rachel is finally coaxed out of the hotel room when Ross lets her draw on his face. She draws whiskers and a nose, and writes ROSS on his forehead. They then drunkenly bow to a statue in awe.

Season 6

601: TO After Vegas

This episode was the first produced after Courteney Cox got married and changed her name to Cox Arquette. The opening credits bill all of the cast as [Surname]-Arquette as a playful nod to the change.
Ross tries to convince Rachel to stay married by saying that they can have a reception and she can keep all the presents. That actually distracts Rachel for a second as she visualizes it.

602: TOW Ross Hugs Rachel

Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are on their way to a movie when Ross confesses to Phoebe that he didn't get his Vegas marriage with Rachel annulled. Phoebe promptly hails a taxi, shoves Rachel into it even though the cinema to which they are going, the Angelica, is within walking distance, and bangs on the roof while shouting "Hurry, the Angelica! Go! Go!" to the driver, who takes off. After Phoebe confronts Ross over lying to Rachel about the annulment, Rachel's taxi reverses back to where Phoebe and Ross are standing. Phoebe asks Rachel how she enjoyed the movie; Rachel points out that she hasn't seen it, so Phoebe bangs on the taxi roof while shouting "Hurry, the Angelica! Go! Go!" again. And once again the driver takes off as Rachel yells at him to stop.
Monica's intensity is always a sight to behold such as the time when she tried to get Rachel to cry when she told her that she and Chandler are moving in together.
Monica: It's the end of an era, you might say.
Rachel: Mon, are you okay? You're not blinking.

604: TOW Joey Loses His Insurance

Joey's time out of work has caused his health benefits to lapse, so he needs to find work to qualify for insurance again. Unfortunately, in preparing for his auditions, he gives himself a hernia lifting weights, and he can't get surgery without insurance, so he has to audition for roles with a hernia. His first audition is for a swing set commercial, appearing opposite an eight-year-old boy:
Joey: [puts hand down his pants to relieve the pain] Hey Timmy, I've got a surprise for you.
Casting director: Oh my God!
Near the end of the episode, Joey gets the easier job of filming a deathbed scene, but they can't get the stonefaced kid acting as his son to cry. They show him the hernia. Cue the waterworks.
Chandler: WE HAVE A CRYING CHILD! ROLL THE DAMN CAMERAS!
In the B plot, Ross gets a faculty position at NYU, but in his first class, a case of nerves causes him to talk with a (not very good) fake English accent. Then Monica and Rachel arrive, and soon they are also affecting (even worse) fake accents (Irish for Monica, Indian for Rachel).
In The Tag, Joey is gearing up to have Phoebe swing a baseball bat at his head. Chandler and Monica come in and are like, "What are you doing?" and on hearing that it's a celebration of Joey getting his insurance back, Chandler winds up with a golf club and Monica grabs a skillet.

605: TOW Joey's Porsche

Joey is polishing the Porsche that he has the keys to (long story) when Ross and Rachel walk up. They're arguing about the scene that Ross made at divorce court over Rachel's facetious annulment paperwork. Joey turns to them and smugly says "How are the Gellers?" It's a double joke because Ross and Rachel don't want to be "The Gellers" and they are obviously not happy. Trolling at its finest.
Rachel reveals that she's started to remember what happened when they got drunkenly married in Vegas—Ross thought it would be funny to eat a lot of grapes, Rachel thought it would be funnier to get married. So they compromised—marriage first, then the grapes. Then it turns out they had their wedding dinner at Pizza Hut:
Ross: Did I even treat?
Rachel: No, it was on the house; it was—it was a newlywed special.
Ross: That may be the most depressing thing I've heard in my life.
Joey's attempts to look as if he still has a Porsche. First, he's head-to-toe branded clothes ("Did a Porsche vomit on you?"). Then he unveils something under a blanket that even fools two women, only for kids playing football to reveals it's a bunch of boxes.

606: TO on the Last Night

After a night of arguing with Rachel, Monica realizes how much she is going to miss her when she leaves — and ruins what otherwise would have been a Tear Jerker moment with a nice bit of Bathos:
Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. (To Rachel - starts to well up) You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave! (breaks down) And I have to live with a BOOOOOYYYYY!
Ross' fake Ben dummy he makes to get out of helping Monica pack Rachel's things, which is just a Jack-O-Lantern head placed on top of some clothes. He is finally rumbled when the head falls off.

607: TOW Phoebe Runs

"Thank you for bringing her into our lives..."
After Chandler finishes unpacking his stuff in Monica's apartment, he hears Joey quietly giggling from inside one of the boxes, immediately realizing that Joey intends to pull a prank on him. Chandler decides to play along:
Chandler: Well, I guess Joey went home. Oh, and look, there is still one box that I have to unpack. [Joey giggles again, to which Chandler rolls his eyes with amusement]
Joey [pops up out of the box]: I got you! [laughs, all the while Chandler is completely unfazed]
Chandler: [in the most deadpan voice possible] Oh my god, you almost gave me a heart attack.
Joey: Oh! Well, it was so hard not to laugh!
With Joey already on his guard about getting into a relationship with his new roommate, Janine, he becomes convinced that there is romantic tension developing between them and seeks Ross and Chandler's advice on how to repel women.
Joey: Look, I need your help, okay? I have to do something to, to repel this woman! [gets an idea] Wait a minute, wait a minute... you guys repel women all the time! [Ross and Chandler look offended]
Ross: Hey, I've been married three times! [cue Sarcastic Clapping from Chandler; Ross glares at him]
Joey: No, no no no no! I've seen it happen! You, you, you get a rapport going with a woman, but somehow you manage to kill it! Time after time after time after time! [he pounds his fist into his palm with each repetition of "time"] What's your secret?
Ross: Look, we do not repel women, okay? That is completely untrue!
Chandler: Ohhh, yes we do, my man. Remember when we were back in college, when we went to that spring dance, and you walked right up to that girl you liked, and you could not stop talking about the Irish potato famine?
Ross: Yeah, well, what about you? You weren't so, y'know, hot in college either! After everything he said, he'd go [mimics Rimshot]
Chandler: ... yeah, Monica doesn't like that either, maybe I should stop doing that?
Ross: Well, you know what? Girls don't like it when I, when I start talking about science.
Chandler: That's not specific to girls.
Joey: This is great, this is great! Wh- what else, what else?
Ross: Uh... oh, they don't like it when you correct their grammar.
Chandler: And they don't like it when you explain why your jokes are funny.
Ross: You know, they don't like it when you keep asking them if they like you.
Chandler: Man, I'm so lucky I have Monica.
Ross: I'm never gonna find love again.
Ross has already sent Chandler into a panic by pointing out that his decision to clean the apartment means that nothing is where Monica usually puts it, and he predicts she'll kill him when she sees the "mess" he's made. Then Monica returns:
Chandler: [closing the door on Monica] No, no, no, no, no, no! You can't come in here. R... Ross is naked!
Monica: What?!
Ross: What?!
Chandler: I couldn't say that I was naked because she's allowed to see me naked.
Ross: Why does anyone have to be naked?
Monica: Why is Ross naked?
Ross: I... I had to... show Chandler something.
Monica: Naked?
Ross: Yeah, I, I, uh... I guess I have a, uh... a guy problem.
Monica: Is it the same thing that Chandler had? [Chandler looks mortified and makes warding gestures toward the door]
Chandler: Look, uh, just, just come back later. We'll get everything squared away and you can come back later.
Monica: Okay. Hey, listen, there's still some of Chandler's medicine left under the sink in the bathroom. Bye.
Chandler: Bye-bye. [waits a few seconds until he is fairly sure Monica is out of earshot, then sighs in relief] Thank God. [heads over to straighten the cushions on the couch]
Ross: Dude, what'd you have? [Chandler gives him a Death Glare]
Inevitably, despite Chandler and Ross' best efforts, Monica notices that nothing is where it usually is the second she sets foot in the door. Ross' reaction is hysterical:
Monica: [enters the apartment with a cup of coffee; Chandler is in his recliner and Ross is on the sofa. Monica absorbs the sight for a few seconds, then...] Why is everything different?
Ross: Bye! [jumps up from the sofa and flees the apartment, slamming the door behind him]
Fortunately, Monica is genuinely touched by Chandler's gesture, and assures him that he doesn't need to be afraid of her perfectionism. Although we get the payoff of a Brick Joke that shows she still draws the line somewhere:
Monica: First thing's first... [runs into the kitchen, grabs the rubber gloves, and starts putting them on] Did Ross sit anywhere while he was naked? [Chandler points to a kitchen chair]

608: TOW Ross' Teeth

After the opening credits, the series lampshades its use of the One-Hour Work Week:
Rachel: But Pheebs, you - you could still use the copy machine where I actually work. But just come by at lunch so that my boss doesn't see you, 'cause Kim will just freak out, and she already doesn't like me very much.
Chandler: That's weird, I don't think my boss likes me either.
Monica: Mmm... I don't think mine likes me either!
Ross: Maybe it's a... universal thing?
Joey: Yeah, or maybe it's because you're all hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday!
[Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Ross absorb this]
Chandler: Yeah, let's head off to work. [Rachel, Monica, and Ross murmur agreement, and all four of them get up and leave]
Hilarity Ensues when Ross leaves teeth whitener on for a whole day in preparation for a date with Hillary, a chef at Monica's restaurant.
- He shows off his newly-whitened teeth at Central Perk to Monica and Chandler... and doesn't quite get the desired reaction:
  Ross: [entering Central Perk; Monica and Chandler are on the sofa] Hey guys!
  Monica, Chandler: Hey.
  Ross: What's up? [grins to show off his teeth, which are so white they look like chalk; Monica and Chandler are stunned]
  Chandler: [taking a moment to compose himself] Y'know. [Beat] Oh my God.
  Monica: What happened to your teeth!?
  Ross: I whitened them! [toothy grin]
  Chandler: [deadpan] Really?
  Ross: Yeah, what- what do you think? [toothy grin]
  Monica: I think I shouldn't look directly at them... [turns away]
  Ross: C'mon, seriously. [toothy grin]
  Monica: Ross, they're really, really, really white!
  Chandler: Yeah, what was wrong with your old... human teeth?
  Ross: I, I did leave the gel on a little longer than it said to.
  Monica: How much longer?
  Ross: [sheepishly] A, a, a day...
  Monica: Ross, you know that tonight is your date with Hillary.
  Ross: I know, that's why I did it! C'mon, are they really that bad? [toothy grin]
  Chandler: No. No no no, you'll, you'll be fine. [to Monica] Hillary's blind, right?
  Monica: She will be after tonight!
  Chandler: [chuckles] Yeah.
  Ross: [turns to leave just as Rachel enters] Oh hey. Hey, Rach. Do you notice anything, ahh-
  Rachel: Yeah, your teeth? Yes, I saw them from outside.
- So Ross recruits Monica to help him dilute the effect of his teeth. When no colour in his wardrobe draws attention away from them, she suggests he put on some of her makeup; he is understandably reluctant. Then Phoebe shows up with flyers advertising her massage business...
  Phoebe: [knocking on the door and opening it] Hello? [sees Ross and Monica on the sofa] Oh, good. Ross, could you put up some of these flyers for me?
  Ross: Yeah. [takes the flyers and smiles at Phoebe]
  Phoebe: [covers her mouth in horror and backpedals toward the door] NO! DEMON! DEMON!
  [Ross wordlessly holds his hand out; Monica gives him her compact]
- The payoff comes on the date itself as we see Ross' teeth... under a UV light. He looks like he's chewing a lightbulb.
  Hillary: Are those your teeth?!
  Ross: Oh, it... [tries to laugh it off] Y-you can see them, huh?
  Hillary: Yes, they're insanely white!
  Ross: Yeah, I... I did that for you...
  Hillary: What's the matter with you!?
  Ross: [jumping to his feet, indignant] What's the matter with ME?! You've got a black light! It's 1999!

609: TOW Ross Got High

An extended series of awkward reveals from the episode's climax. Ross reveals that the reason Jack and Judy Geller have been cold to Chandler for a long time is because they nearly caught Ross smoking marijuana when he was home from NYU on spring break, but Ross claimed that Chandler had been smoking in his room and then jumped out of the window (in the uncut version, we learn that, while high, Ross put Jack's records in the microwave and also blamed this on Chandler). As such, Monica has been unable to tell her parents about her relationship with Chandler. Meanwhile, Rachel has prepared a traditional English trifle for dessert but didn't notice that the pages in her magazine were stuck together, leading her to add a layer of minced beef, onions, and peas (crossed over from a recipe for shepherd's pie - Joey actually likes the result), Phoebe has gone from having erotic dreams about Jack to having erotic dreams about Jacques Cousteau, and Joey is anxious to leave the Thanksgiving festivities to go to a party his roommate Janine and her fellow dancers are throwing. It all comes to a head when Monica loses patience with Ross' attempts to get out of confessing and confesses for him:
Monica: Ross? Let's go.
Ross: Oh, yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about maybe writing a letter...
Monica: You know what? That's it. You've had your chance. [marches over to the back of the sofa on which her parents are sitting]
Ross: Wh- what-
Monica: Mom, Dad? Ross smoked pot in college.
Mr. and Mrs. Geller: What??
Ross: [childishly] You are such a tattletale! [walks around to the front of the sofa] Mom, Dad? [sits on the coffee table] You remember that time you walked in my room and smelled marijuana?
Mr. and Mrs. Geller: [giving Chandler a Death Glare] Yes.
Ross: Well, I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot but... it was me. I'm sorry.
Mrs. Geller: It was you?
Monica: Yeah, and Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records, Ross did!
Mr. Geller: [to Ross] Is that true?
Monica: And Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys, Ross did! [the Gellers give Ross a Disapproving Look]
Ross: [decides to fight fire with fire] Yeah, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did! [Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe look shocked, while Monica looks outraged]
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year! [the Gellers gape at Monica in disbelief]
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together! [Monica looks horrified, Chandler looks embarrassed, and the Gellers look stunned]
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced! AGAIN! [Ross looks mortified]
Phoebe: [deciding to join in] I love Jacques Cousteau! [the Gellers look at her in utter confusion]
Rachel: [reading the recipe she was following] I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!
Joey: [pounding the table in desperation] I WANNA GOOOOOOOOOO!
Mrs. Geller: [rubbing her temple] ... That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. [stands up] Alright. Joey, if you wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did NOT taste good. [Rachel looks at Joey as if to say "Why didn't you say anything before!?"] Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. [Phoebe looks crestfallen] And Monica, why you decided to hide such an important relationship from us is beyond me.
Mr. Geller: And we kind of figured about the porch swing.
Mrs. Geller: Ross. Drugs? Divorced, again?
Mr. Geller: What happened, son?
Ross: I...I, uh, I got...tricked into all those things!
Mrs. Geller: Chandler... [ushers Ross out of the way as Chandler stands up] You've been Ross's best friend all these years, [Ross puts his hand on Chandler's shoulder] stuck by him during the drug problem, [Ross removes his hand, rolls his eyes, and walks off] and now you've taken on Monica as well! Well... I don't know what to say. You're a wonderful human being.
Chandler: [amazed and delighted] Thank you!
Mr. Geller: No! Thank you! [grabs the sides of Chandler's face, then he and Chandler hug] Monica, and Ross, I don't know what I'm gonna do about the two of you! [Monica and Ross look sheepish]
Chandler: [in a parental tone of voice] I'll talk to them.

610: TOW the Routine

Rachel and Phoebe barge into the apartment while Chandler is home and start searching for Monica's gifts so they can better figure out what to get her. They try to enlist Chandler's help.
Rachel: Aren't you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?
Chandler: No, because I have a great idea for a present for her.
Phoebe: That's it, "a great idea"?
Rachel: Chandler, that's not enough. I mean, what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and then a bunch of little presents, and you've just gotten her one great present? That's gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her, Chandler? Why? Why?
Chandler: [Beat] If I helped, we could find them faster!
Under the couch, Phoebe finds a bag from Macy's and upends it to find a sneaker with a tag on it. The tag reads, "Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
Two words: THE ROUTINE. Made even better by Ross and Monica's serious expressions and the extremely cheesy 90's music playing: "Trouble With Boys" by Loreta.
During the end credits Ross comments that they had to change the last part of the routine as Monica probably couldn't catch him the way she did when they were kids. Monica insists she can and challenges him to try. They both get up and start to do the final moves, but as Ross throws himself at Monica she leaps to the side yelping "I CAN'T DO IT!", sending Ross crashing to the floor behind her.
Chandler: Now you do that, and you're on TV!

613: TOW Rachel's Sister

Ross walks in and asks is anyone has some gum, Phoebe says she does, and starts looking in her purse, pulling out a hairbrush, checkbook, a sneaker with an egg in it, and a goldfish in a bag of water before Ross tells her to forget it.
Everyone is in Monica and Chandler's living room when there's a knock at the door. Everyone turns to look at the door in surprise, then at each other in confusion. Phoebe even points to everyone as if counting to make sure that all six of them are in fact present and they didn't forget anyone.

614: TOW Chandler Can't Cry

Joey trying to make Chandler cry by telling a story of a 3-legged puppy.
Joey: What if it looked up at you and said "Help me, Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me."
Chandler: Cry? I just found a talking puppy. I'm rich!
Joey learns that Phoebe (actually Ursula, using Phoebe's name) is a porn star. He and Ross come in with a plastic bag.
Ross: Hey, uh, Phoebe's not here, is she?
Rachel: No.
Monica: Oh, great, did you get a movie?
Joey: Uh... yeah, yeah. But, uh... I don't think it's the kind you're going to like.
Chandler: You didn't get more movies that are going to have us reaching for the tissues all night, did you?
Joey: [exchanges long look with Ross] Sort of.
- While watching "Buffay the Vampire Layer" the gang realise that it's actually Ursula making the movies under Phoebe's name. Seconds after they realise this, Phoebe walks into the apartment as "Buffay" is confronting "Nosferatool".
  Phoebe: Hey, what's up? (sees the screen) Oh my god, WHAT AM I DOING?!
Monica pretends she's fine with Chandler not being a crier, and spins sad scenarios trying to get him to cry, ending with:
Monica: Yeah, and if I die... from a long illness, and you're writing out my eulogy, and you open the desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, "I will always be with you," and you still can't shed one tiny tear... I know you'll be crying a river inside.
Chandler: [still dry-eyed] Oh, I love you so—
Monica: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Chandler: What?
Monica: You can't shed a tear for your dead wife?! Now, I left you a note from the beyond!
Chandler: So you didn't mean any of that?
Monica: No, you robot!

615-16: TO That Could Have Been

The speculation in this episode is set in motion by the revelation in The Teaser that Rachel's ex-fiancé and his wife are getting divorced.
Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.
Joey: [looking at Ross] What is the matter with you?!
Phoebe: No, Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh, sorry. I hear "divorce," I immediately go to Ross.
Alternate Rachel freaking out when she sees Days of our Lives star Joey Tribbiani in the coffee shop:
Monica: Rach, he's a friend of ours.
Rachel: [stunned] You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
Chandler: Well it's kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he's not real.
Alternate Phoebe is a chain-smoking, highly-strung stockbroker who ends up in hospital after a downturn in the market that she didn't see coming wipes out $13 million of her clients' investments and gives her a heart attack. Meanwhile, Alternate Ross is only still married to Carol because she has taken longer to discover her own lesbianism. When he visits Phoebe in hospital, she tries to advise him on how to revive his dead-in-the-water love life:
Phoebe: Maybe you need to spice things up a little.
Ross: What-what do you mean?
Phoebe: I don't know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up, you could eat stuff off each other...
Ross: Oh.
Phoebe: Y'know, dirty talk,^note ménage à trois, toys...
Ross: Wow!
Phoebe: Role-playing... you could be the warden, she could be the prisoner. You could be the pirate, she could be the wench!
Ross: Okay, I think I got it.
Phoebe: Yeah! Or you, you could be two stockbrokers and you're, you're, you're rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybody's watching! [Ross gives her a "Wait, WHAT?" look] It never happened.
In an inversion of the usual situation, Alternate Joey is financially successful, having never been fired from Days of Our Lives, while Alternate Chandler is flat broke, having given up his steady job to make it as a writer of funny stories. So Joey offers Chandler a financial lifeline by hiring him as his personal assistant, an arrangement that wears out its welcome with Chandler in no time flat thanks to Joey proving an unreasonable taskmaster (though it does give him the material for a story that is accepted by Archie Comics). One of the funniest moments comes when Joey visits Phoebe in hospital, having told Chandler to break in a new pair of jeans by wearing them for him:
[Chandler is sitting on a gurney outside Phoebe's room, hands spread out behind him; Monica shows up with a drink and accidentally sits on his left hand, causing his face to contort into a silent scream of agony as he pulls his hand out and shakes it. Monica stifles an embarrassed laugh and pats him on the thigh]
Monica: Sorry. [Chandler shakes his hand again] So, how's it going with Joey?
Chandler: [testily] Oh, just great. He beeps me now, with codes: 1 is "Bring me food", 2 is "I'm with a girl, bring us food", 3 is "I'm lost and I can't find food".
Monica: Aw, sweetie. [pats him on the shoulder, then...] Is there any food around here?
Joey: [entering] Hey! Is she gonna be all right?
Monica: Yeah. She's in there. [points to the door of Phoebe's room]
Joey: Great. [before he heads in, he looks at Chandler and grins] Heyyy! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
Rachel finds out that Monica is still a virgin:
Rachel: Monica? You've done it, right?
Monica: (laughs nervously) Of course I have. What do you think, I'm like some 30-year-old virgin?
Rachel: Oh, my God! You're a 30-year-old virgin!
Monica: Say it louder! I don't think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
Guy all the way in the back: (raising his hand, not even turning around to face them) Yeah, I heard it.
Alternate Monica, Chandler, and Ross learn that Phoebe was fired after the $13 million loss. But as they're already worried about her health, they don't dare tell her - not that some of them aren't tempted thanks to her increasingly hostile attitude toward them:
Ross: [privately, to Chandler] She doesn't know she was fired yet, does she?
Chandler: No, the doctors say it may kill her.
Phoebe: What are you two girls whispering about over there!?
Chandler: But I think we should tell her.
Alternate Chandler and Monica talking about having sex. Their normal selves are awkward enough at these things, but with Monica shyer and fat, and Chandler extra-geeky and even more insecure than usual, it's taken up to eleven. Watch their nervous discussion on whether they have 'moves'... They really don't. Then there's Chandler claiming he's had sex with four different women (rather than just four times ever)... then admitting it was only three... and then downgrading it to two... and in the final scene, after she agrees to his suggestion that she should be with him by giving him a Big Damn Kiss...
Monica: There was just one woman, wasn't there?
Chandler: No, there were two.
Monica: Including me?
Chandler: Oh yeah! [they kiss again]
The Tag for part one is Alternate Fat Monica dancing while eating a candy bar. And then sitting down exhausted.

617: TOW the Unagi

The Teaser opens by lampshading one of the early series' more questionable comic elements:
Ross: Hey, remember when I had a monkey?
Chandler: Yeah?
Ross: Yeah, what was I thinking?
The moment when Chandler gives Monica a late Valentine's present of a mix tape he randomly found and doesn't even know the contents of, you know it's going to backfire for him somehow. And boy does it ever!
Janice: [on the mix tape, following Elton John's "The Way You Look Tonight"] I love the way you look every night, Chandler! That's why I made you this tape! Happy birthday! Love, Janice!
Rachel and Phoebe decide to give Ross a taste of his own medicine after he tries using his "Unagi" awareness technique on them. They jump out at him from behind the drapes and Ross Screams Like a Little Girl.
Rachel: Ah... Salmon skin roll.
Ross' Epic Fail at hiding from Rachel and Phoebe so that he can get attack them again. They see the top of his head peeking out from behind the couch.
Joey wants to join a research study to get money, but the only one available is for identical twins. So he gets the brilliant idea of getting a fellow actor named Carl who vaguely resembles him to pass off as his twin.
- Joey testing Carl by having him go into Monica and Chandler's apartment to see if he can fool them. It goes... poorly.
  Carl: Hi, Mon. Heeey, Chan! Just getting a soda.
  Monica: Who the hell are you?
  Carl: I'm Joey. How are you dooooing?
  Joey: [bursts through the door] No, no, no, no, no! "How you doin'?"! How you doin'! Dammit, Carl, go wait in the hall!
  [A few scenes later...]
  Carl: Can I have a piece of that cake?
  Joey: PIZZA! We Like Pizza! Get Out!
- When Joey and Carl are at the clinic to apply for the study and are instantly rejected, Joey immediately blames Carl.
Chandler asks the others for advice on what he should get Monica:
Joey: Why don't you get her a day at one of those spas?
[others agree]
Joey: Or crotchless panties!
Chandler:...Well, as appealing as that sounds to her boyfriend, and her brother...
[camera pans over to Ross, whose expression cannot be described]
Ross using his "Unagi" jumpscare on two completely unknown girls at the end. Okay, just imagine a random 30+ year old man pouncing at you out of nowhere on the street and screaming "DANGER!!!"
- Phoebe, who is watching the scene from Central Perk, suggests going over to help the two women...and then Rachel, who is also observing the commotion, says they don't need it. Two seconds later, a shrieking Ross runs past the coffeehouse with the chicks hot on his tail, pausing just long enough to see the real Rachel and Phoebe.

619: TOW Joey's Fridge

Ross introduces his 20-year-old girlfriend Elizabeth to the rest of the gang at Central Perk; inevitably, they can't resist kidding him about dating someone over ten years his junior once she has departed:
Chandler: So why is she leaving, is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do?
Ross: [deadpan] Yes. Her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow.
Chandler: [with a forced smile] Oh. Well, tell her good luck with that.
Ross: Anyone else? Huh? Bring 'em on... [sits on the arm of the sofa]
Rachel: Oh! When's her birthday?
Ross: [à la the straight man in a comic double act] I don't know, Rachel! Why?
Rachel: Well - y'know, it's just been so long since I've been to Chuck E. Cheese... [the others laugh, Ross sarcastically]
Monica: I like Elizabeth.
Ross: Well, thanks!
Monica: Yeah... in fact, I like her so much, you tell her I want my cookies early this year! [Phoebe laughs] Y'know, a box of Thin Mints and some Tagalongs!
Phoebe, Monica and Chandler are competing to get Rachel a date for a charity ball her work is throwing. When trying to settle which guy they've chosen is better:
Phoebe: Have you seen your guy's body?
Chandler: No, our guy is just a floating head.
Joey discussing his broken fridge:
Joey: Look, okay. Suppose we were a divorced couple.
Chandler: Uh-huh.
Joey: And I got custody of the kid. Right. And suppose the kid... dies... and, and I gotta buy a new kid.
Chandler: ... Okay...?
Joey: (Beat) GIMME FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS!
And later on when Ross is talking about how to tell Elizabeth he doesn't want to go to a Spring Break trip with her, Joey childishly tries to pin the breaking of his fridge on Ross:
Joey: Or, you could just, y'know...[pushes Ross not-so-subtly into his fridge]
Ross: [Beat] What the hell are you doing...?!
Joey: [feigning outrage] What the hell am I doing?! You just broke my fridge!!
Ross: What? Wha-How do you know it's-how do you know it's even broken?!
Joey: Oh, you think I don't know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me - [quickly checks his fridge] Ohhh, whaddya know! Broken! That'll be four hundred dollars.
Chandler: Joey, I saw you push him!
[Beat]
Joey: You pushed him!
Ross: Joey, I did not break this! Okay, [opens the freezer and recoils from the smell] that has been broken for a while.
Joey: All right. Chandler, do you remember how I told you about our fridge?
Chandler: Uh-huh.
Joey: I still haven't gotten a check for your half yet.
Ross: Do not give him any money!
Joey: I'm not talking to you! You broke my fridge!

621: TOW Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad

Ross' efforts at impressing Elizabeth's father totally failing.
Paul: It's just I didn't know you were married.
Rachel: [comes back from the bathroom] Oh, we were but it was just this big drunken mistake.
Paul: You two were married?!
Rachel: I'm sorry, I guess you were talking about Emily. [Ross Face Faults]

622: TOW Paul's the Man

Rachel's boyfriend Paul dancing in front of a mirror. "I'm just a love machine. YEAH BABY, HUUUUUUUAAAA!" And yeah, Paul is played by Bruce Willis! Best part? Ross is listening to it all under the bed... Even better since Ross repeats it later to Paul, using it as blackmail so he can continue dating Elizabeth.

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