Follow TV Tropes

Following

Funny / Friends

Go To

Moments pages are Spoilers Off. You Have Been Warned.


    open/close all folders 

     Season 1 
101: Pilot (TOW Monica Gets a Roommate)
  • The segue once the gang becomes six:
    Ross: I just want to be married again.
    [Rachel comes in dressed as bride]
    Chandler: And I just want a million dollars!
  • Chandler is trying to console the newly-divorced Ross by pointing out that neither he nor Joey have ever had a long-term relationship. Unfortunately, halfway through his attempt at consolation, his train of thought jumps to the adjacent track and he instead uses Ross' divorce as a justification for him and Joey not having long-term relationships.
    Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us [indicates himself and Joey] we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however, have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing, at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it!... I don't think that was my point!

102: TOW the Sonogram at the End

  • The gang's understandable bafflement at watching the sonogram.
    Phoebe: You know, if you tilt your head to the left and relax your eyes, it kind of looks like an old potato.
    Ross: Then don't do that, alright?

103: TOW the Thumb

  • Chandler sauntering off after successfully diverting attention away from his smoking habit by pointing out everyone else's flaws, reducing them to petty squabbling with each other.
    Chandler: SO I HAVE A FLAW! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? [Joey looks concerned] And Ross with his overpronouncing every single word, and Monica with that snort when she laughs, I mean, what the hell is that? [Monica looks shocked] I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this!?
    [long pause; Phoebe starts chewing on her hair]
    Joey: Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?
    Rachel: Well... I- I could live without it.
    Joey: Huh. What, is it like a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair? [Phoebe pushes her hair out of her mouth with her tongue]
    Ross: Aw, now don't listen to him, Pheebs, all right, I think it's endearing.
    Joey: [imitating Ross' overdone inflections, moving his hand as though conducting] Oh, you do, do you? [Monica laughs, then snorts twice and covers her nose self-consciously]
    Ross: [with the same inflections imitated by Joey] You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking - correctly.
    Rachel: [smirks] Indeed - there - isn't! [Ross glares at her] I should really get back to work. [starts to leave]
    Phoebe: Yeah. Otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
    Rachel: [stops and turns around slowly] Well! The hair comes out and the gloves come off!
    [a five-way argument breaks out as Chandler, a self-satisfied smile on his face, stands up and leaves them to it]
  • When Monica tells the gang that she's breaking up with Alan (they all liked him more than she did), all five of them collectively act like a jilted lover.

104: TOW George Stephanopolous

  • In response to Rachel's shrieking friends, Monica and Phoebe do one of their own: "Look, I have elbows. AAAAAH!"
  • Joey mimicking hitting the puck on his forehead.

105: TOW the East German Laundry Detergent

  • David Schwimmer had a knack for physical comedy, and this episode includes a classic example. After helping Rachel do her own laundry for the first time (if not without incident), Ross is rewarded with a kiss, and is so ecstatic he doesn't pay attention to where he is moving and bangs his head on an open dryer door.

106: TOW the Butt

  • Joey's "Freud!" song, so good it shows up in nearly every Clip Show for the rest of the series' run. Phoebe, Monica, Chandler, and Ross know that Rachel's excitement at seeing Joey on stage will evaporate as soon as the play begins, and they're quite right...
    Joey: [singing, as Freud]
    All you want is a dinkle
    What you envy's a schwang
    A thing with which you can tinkle
    To play with, or simply let hang
  • In the extended version of the episode, someone starts singing the "Freud!" song under their breath, with the rest of the group joining in one by one and making it louder, much to Joey's consternation. After the five of them finish, Joey looks hurt for a beat...then launches into his own, even louder rendition that everyone sings along with him at the top of their lungs.
  • Joey uses Monica's bathroom to put cream on his butt. Chandler then shows up.
    Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.
    Monica: In the bathroom. I wouldn't go in there.
    Chandler: Oh, come on. We're roommates. (goes in the bathroom, only to scream loudly off screen and race back out again with his hands covering his face) MY EYES! MY EYES!

107: TOW the Blackout

  • Cat jumps on Ross' head.
  • Chandler's attempts to flirt with Victoria's Secret model Jill Goodacre start off inauspiciously.
    Chandler: (thinking) "Gum would be perfection"? "Gum would be perfection". Could have said "gum would be nice", could have said "I'll have a stick", but no no no no no. To me, gum is "perfection"! I loathe myself. (Head Desk)
  • Things don't improve when Chandler tries to blow a bubble with the gum, thinking it would come across as impish, only to spit the gum against the wall instead.
    Chandler: [thinking] Nice going, imp. Okay, i-i-it's okay. All I need to do is reach over, and put it back... in my mouth. [he does so... or so he thinks] Good save! We're back on track, and I'm... chewing someone else's gum. [grimaces] This it not my gum, oh my God, oh my God... [starts choking on the gum] And now you're choking.
    Jill: Are you all right? [Chandler gives her a double "OK" sign despite being in obvious distress] My God, you're choking! [she rushes over and performs the Heimlich manoeuvre; Chandler spits the gum out again and starts gasping for breath] That better?
    Chandler: Yes... thank you. That was... that was...
    Jill: Perfection? [smiles; Chandler smiles back]
  • In The Tag, the power has come back on, and Chandler and Jill have thanked each other and said their goodbyes, which in Jill's case involves kissing Chandler on the cheek. After she leaves, Chandler turns to the security camera:
    Chandler: Hi. I'm account number 7143457, and, uh... I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really... like a copy of the tape.

108: TOW Nana Dies Twice

  • As the episode's title implies, Ross and Monica's Nana dies... twice!
  • Chandler doesn't understand why people think he's gay:
    Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?
    Rachel: Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair.
    Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair.

109: TOW Underdog Gets Away

  • Joey finally hits it big... as a model for VD! To quote the poster, "What Mario isn't telling you... VD: you never know who might have it."
    • The other five find the poster hilarious; Joey, not so much, as not only is it scuppering his every attempt to hit on girls, but it has also ruined his Thanksgiving plans:
      Joey: [entering Monica and Rachel's apartment in a funk] Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family thinks I have VD.
      Chandler: Tonight, on a very special Blossom!
    • In The Tag, he sees one of the posters in the subway and tears off the "VD: you never know who might have it" caption, only to reveal another one saying "Bladder control problem" underneath. So he tears off that one, and reveals a caption saying "Stop wife beating". He tries again, and this time the caption reads "Hemorrhoids?"... and finally, at the fourth attempt, he reveals the caption "Winner of 3 Tony awards". Good enough, he thinks, and leaves.

111: TOW Mrs. Bing

  • Rachel's attempt at an erotic novel is completely appropriate due to her horrible typing skills. Women with heaving beasts and niffles (usually found on the heaving beasts, according to Joey), men with huge throbbing pens (Ross says you don't want to be around when they start writing with them), and more!

113: TOW the Boobies

  • The Teaser - in more ways than one - sets up the subplot in this episode's title as Chandler accidentally beats Ross to the "honour" of seeing Rachel topless:
    [Chandler enters Rachel and Monica's apartment and helps himself to food from the kitchen table, then the fridge... unaware that Rachel is in the bathroom with the door open. She emerges with one towel around her waist and a second covering her chest, the latter of which she is using to dry her hair. Chandler drops something, bends over to pick it up... and as he starts to stand up again, Rachel finally sees him]
    Rachel: [jumping back in shock, dropping the upper of her two towels] DAHHHH!
    Chandler: [also jumping back in shock] AHHHH! [Rachel grabs a rug from the back of the sofa to cover her chest] I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
    Rachel: [livid] That is it! You just barge in here, you don't knock-
    Chandler: I'm sorry!-
    Rachel: -you have no respect for anybody's privacy-
    Chandler: Rachel, wait, wait-
    Rachel: No, you wait, this is ridiculous! You-
    Chandler: Can I just say one thing?
    Rachel: What!? What?!
    Chandler: [gesturing to the rug] That's a relatively open weave, and I can still see your... [very long pause as he tries to think of a euphemism] nippular areas.
    Rachel: Ughhh! [storms off, still holding the rug over her chest]
    Chandler: I'm sorry! [sinks to the floor in a "Please, ground, open up and swallow me" pose]
  • Later at Central Perk, everyone is meeting Phoebe's psychiatrist boyfriend, Roger, and Rachel is in no mood to forgive or forget:
    Rachel: [joining the others at the sofa] Okay, any of you guys want anything else?
    Chandler: [starting to point] Oh, yes, could I have one of those-
    Rachel: [frostily] No, I'm sorry, we're all out of those. Anybody else?
    Chandler: [resigned] Okay!
    Roger: Did I, uh, did I miss something?
    Chandler: Oh, she's still upset because I saw her boobies.
    Ross: [struggling to hide his jealousy] Wh-what? Wh- what were you doing seeing her boobies?
    Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of doughnuts. [Roger laughs loudly]
    Rachel: Okay, okay, can we change the subject, please?
    Phoebe: Yeah, y'know, [indicating Rachel's chest with her thumb] these are not her boobies, these are her breasts. [moves her finger back and forth in the air in front of an increasingly unamused Rachel's chest]
    Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change.
    Monica: Y'know, I always liked "bazoombas". Sort of gives them a Latin spin. [Chandler nods, Ross looks thoughtful]
    Rachel: [thoroughly fed up] Can we- can we drop this already? Hm? [sits down]
    Chandler: Y'know, I dunno why you're so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies.
    Rachel: ... "Nice"!? They were "nice". I mean, th-th-that's it? I mean, mittens are "nice".
    Chandler: Okay... [holds up his right hand] Rock. [holds up his left hand] Hard place. [leans forward into the space between his hands] Me.
  • Joey discovers that his father has been having an affair for six years, forcing the gang to confront the notion of Parents as People, but Chandler is still fixated on Rachel's chest. Ross has a... creative solution to even things out:
    Rachel: I know, I mean, why can't parents stay parents? [walks across to Chandler, who is staring at her chest] Why do they have to become people? Why do they have... [notices where Chandler is looking] Why can't you stop staring at my breasts?
    Chandler: [without looking up] What? [after a pause, finally looks at Rachel's face] What?
    Rachel: Did you not get a good enough look the other day?
    Ross: All right, all right, we're all adults here, there's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to have to show her your peepee. [Joey points to Ross in agreement; Rachel grins, clearly loving the idea]
    Chandler: [with a fake smile] Y'know, I don't see that happening?
    Rachel: C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat.
    Chandler: Well, I'm not showing you my "tat"!
  • Roger quickly gets on the bad side of most of the main cast with his analyses of their behaviour, including suggesting that Ross went into his marriage with Carol knowing it would fail because he felt guilty about overshadowing Monica as a child, leading to an argument between the Geller siblings that ends with the gloriously quotable...
    Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!
  • Later in the episode, both Joe Tribbiani, Sr. and his mistress, Ronni, are staying with Chandler and Joey; to cut down on competition for the bathroom, Ronni is permitted to use Monica and Rachel's shower. She mentions that Chandler is in his own shower, so Rachel decides to get revenge. Unfortunately, she misses her target:
    Rachel: Hey, listen, Ronni, how long would you say Chandler's been in the shower?
    Ronni: Oh, like, uh, five minutes?
    Rachel: Perfect. [saunters toward the front door] Fasten your seat belts. It's peepee time. [Monica holds the door open for her, grinning. Rachel heads across to Chandler and Joey's apartment; Joey Sr. is in the kitchen, leaning on the counter and reading the paper] Morning, Mr. Trib.
    Joe Sr.: Hey, morning, dear.
    Rachel: [goes up to the bathroom door] Chandler Bing? It's time to see your thing. [opens the door and pulls back the shower curtain to reveal... Joey] AHHH!
    Joey: AHHH! [frantically covers himself as Rachel flees the bathroom, closing the door behind her; after a moment, he emerges, a towel wrapped around his waist] What's the matter with you!?
    Rachel: [gesturing wildly] I thought it was Chandler!
    Chandler: [rushing out of his bedroom] What, what?
    Rachel: [pointing an accusing finger at him] You were supposed to [points to bathroom] be in there so I could see your thing! [Joe Sr. raises his eyebrows in confusion]
    Chandler: [sheepishly indicates his bedroom] Sorry, my, my thing was in there with me.
  • In The Tag, Joey now tries to get payback on Rachel, but misses his target... and when said target tries to get payback on Joey, she misses her target as well:
    [Joey enters Monica and Rachel's apartment; Phoebe is at the kitchen table reading the paper]
    Phoebe: Hey Joey! What's goin' on?
    Joey: [walking across to the bathroom] Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop, Rachel Green. [Phoebe shrugs and goes back to the paper; Joey chuckles as he opens the bathroom door and walks in. We hear the curtain being pulled back, followed by a scream, followed by Joey fleeing the bathroom in horror] What the-!?
    Monica: [exiting the bathroom in a shower cap with a towel over her front] Joey! What the hell were you doing!?
    Joey: [defensively] Sorry! Wrong boobies. [leaves; Monica gets a crafty look]
    [some time later, Monica enters Chandler and Joey's apartment and heads for the bathroom]
    Monica: [smirking] Hello Joey! [pulls back the shower curtain to reveal Joey... Sr.]
    Joe Sr.: Ahh! [recovers from his shock and smiles] Hello, dear! [a horrified Monica closes the curtain again and beats a hasty retreat]

115: TOW the Stoned Guy

  • One early scene, three subplots, all hilarity:
    • First, Chandler, having been offered a promotion at work when his job was supposed to be temporary (only to last five years), has quit and made an appointment with a career counsellor, as he still has no idea what he wants to do with his life:
      Chandler: Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career counsellor a-go-go. [Beat; awkwardly] I added the "a-go-go."
      Rachel: Career counsellor?
      Chandler: Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.
      Rachel: I don't!
      Chandler: [to Ross, Phoebe, and Joey] Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream!
      Ross: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech.
    • Second, a massage client of Phoebe's is looking to open a restaurant and needs a chef to create the entire menu, so naturally Phoebe thinks of... Chandler, since he is out of work, but when he turns her down because he can't see himself in a big white hat, she turns to Monica, who returns from a viewing of the restaurant location in high spirits:
      Monica: He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this- it's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right.
      Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?
      Monica: So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. You know, kind of like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which will be great for me because then you can "ooh" and "ahh" and make yummy noises.
      Rachel: What are you going to make?
      Phoebe: [in a "Weren't you listening?" tone of voice] Yummy noises.
      Rachel: [Beat] And Monica, what are you going to make?
      Monica: [excited] I don't know. I don't know. It's just going to be so great!
      Phoebe: Ooh! I know what you could make! [joins Monica and Rachel in the kitchen] I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the stuff? [Monica has no idea] You know, that thing... with the stuff...? [Monica still has no idea] Okay, I don't know. [sits down]
    • And third, Ross has a date with a museum colleague, Celia, a curator of insects. Although that's not how the gang describe her:
      Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighbourhood?
      Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free!
      Ross: Okay, [hems] hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma?
      Chandler: Who are you going out with?
      Phoebe: Oh, is this the bug lady?
      Rachel: ["bug" voice] Bzzzz... I love you, Ross!
  • Chandler's career counselling session doesn't quite go as he hoped:
    [Chandler stomps into Monica and Rachel's apartment, looking dishevelled, exhausted, and angry; he kicks the door closed]
    Rachel: My God! What happened to you?
    Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests, and what do I learn!? [holds up a sheaf of paper and smacks it with his hand before reading] "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation!"
    Phoebe: That's so great! 'Cause you already know how to do that!
  • Ross' date with Celia gets off to a bad start thanks to Marcel grabbing her hair and not letting go. Once Marcel is out of the room, things start getting hot and heavy until Celia asks Ross to talk dirty to her; as he has no idea how, he just blurts out "vulva". The next day, he seeks advice from Joey, who shows him how - leading to a hilarious Not What It Looks Like moment:
    Joey: All right, look, I'll start, okay?
    Ross: Joey, please.
    Joey: C'mon, c'mon! All right, ready? Look. [impassioned] Oh, Ross... you get me so hot, I want your lips on me now. [Ross is stunned] Eh? [he and Ross nod] All right, now you say something!
    Ross: I, uh... I really don't think so.
    Joey: C'mon! You like this woman, right?
    Ross: Yeah!
    Joey: You want to see her again, right?
    Ross: Sure!
    Joey: Well, if you can't talk dirty to me, how are you gonna talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt!
    Ross: [absorbs this] Okay, turn around. [Joey gives him a look] I just don't want you staring at me when I'm doing this.
    Joey: All right, all right, all right. [turns his back to Ross] I'm not looking. Go ahead.
    Ross: All right. Okay. [clears throat] I want- okay, I, I, I want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my lips.
    Joey: There you go! Keep going, keep going.
    Ross: I, uh... [Chandler enters from his bedroom, fresh from a nap; he stops and takes in the sight] I want to take my tongue, and... [this gets Chandler's undivided attention; he grins ear to ear and makes his way over to the desk to listen] and, and...
    Joey: Say it! [Beat] SAY IT!...
    Ross: Run it all over your body... until you're trembling with... [Chandler sits on the desk, knocking the chair against a hockey stick which scrapes along the front; Joey and Ross get worried looks on their faces and slowly turn around to look at him]
    Chandler: [still grinning] ... with...?
    Ross: Funny story!
    Joey: You're not gonna believe this.
    Chandler: It's okay, it's okay, I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.
    Joey: [to Ross] The trembling was nice.
    Ross: Shut up!
  • As Ross and Joey are recovering from their embarrassment, it seems Chandler can't escape his destiny as a white collar worker, and displays Accidental Bargaining Skills in the process:
    Joey: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again.
    Chandler: Again?
    Joey: And again, and again...
    Ross: And again... [the phone rings; Joey answers it]
    Joey: Hello?... [to Chandler] And again. [tosses the receiver to him]
    Chandler: [on phone] Hey, Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor?... [picks up the hockey stick from the desk and swings it at an imaginary puck] Yeah, I miss you too... Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know?... Well, that's very generous... [looks at Joey and Ross] uh, but look, this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about... And that's on top of the year-end bonus structure you mentioned earlier?... [Joey and Ross mutter and gesture to him as if to say "Stick to your principles!"] Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, okay? This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection!... No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy!... I'll see you Monday! [hangs up and slams the phone onto the kitchen counter; he sees Joey and Ross giving him matching Disapproving Looks and shrugs] Ehh.
  • Monica's subplot proves to be the one that lends the episode its title. In the third act, the would-be restaurateur, Steve (Jon Lovitz), comes to her apartment to sample her food, but he gets stoned out of his mind on marijuana in Phoebe's taxi on the way over and develops a serious case of the munchies, wolfing down the first plate of food while hardly tasting it and then grabbing whatever he can find from the cupboards, including taco shells, cereal, and gummy bears. Somehow, Monica never picks up on Phoebe and Rachel's signals for why Steve is acting so oddly.
  • As for Ross, he takes Joey's lesson to heart - but still doesn't quite reach the desired end result on his second date with Celia:
    [Ross and Joey head to the counter at Central Perk]
    Joey: So, uh... how did it go with Celia?
    Ross: Oh, I was unbelievable.
    Joey: [grinning] All right, Ross!
    Ross: I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were characters, plotlines, themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers.
    Joey: Whoa! And the... [makes suggestive gesture with his hands] huh-huh?
    Ross: Well... [clears his throat] You know, by the time we'd finished with all the dirty talk, it was kinda late... and we were both kind of exhausted, so, uh...
    Joey: You cuddled.
    Ross: Yeah, which was nice.

116: TOW Two Parts, Part I

  • This is the first episode to feature Phoebe's twin sister Ursula, crossing over from Mad About You; Chandler and Joey have dinner at Riff's and initially mistake Ursula (whose waitressing is down to its usual standards) for Phoebe. The next day, they see Phoebe at Central Perk, and Chandler remembers why he's usually hesitant to engage Joey in conversation about anything:
    [Chandler and Joey are peering through the window at Central Perk]
    Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn't look exactly like her sister.
    Joey: I'm sayin' I see a difference.
    Chandler: They're twins!
    Joey: I don't care! Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's... hot!
    Chandler: [as he and Joey go indoors] You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things?
    Joey: Yeah?
    Chandler: Let's not do that anymore.
  • During a Lamaze Class, Carol gets really freaked out about the idea of giving birth. Ross tries to comfort her, leading to this outburst:
    Carol: Oh, what do you know?! No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?!"
  • And then the next class, Carol doesn't show up. Ross argues that since Susan actually is a woman, she should play the "pregnant woman" role while he plays the "supportive partner" role. Susan successfully argues that since she's the one in a relationship with Carol, she should be the "supportive partner" while Ross is the "pregnant woman", so she'll get to play the same role she actually will be playing when her partner gives birth. Ross seems to be taking it pretty well until the teacher says "Now, imagine your vagina opening up like a flower."

117: TOW Two Parts, Part II

  • Two cute doctors show up at the apartment for dates with Rachel and Monica. One if them is apprehensive because apparently women they pick up at the hospital are always weird. His friend assures him these two are normal. "Look around. No pagan altars. No pile of bones in the corner."
  • Joey kisses Phoebe (who is pretending to be Ursula) as part of their "breakup". Phoebe is stunned by the intensity of the kiss (even if it was a simple closed-mouth one), leaning back and mouthing "Wow!".

118: TOW All the Poker

  • Joey, Chandler and Ross dancing to "The Lion Sleeps Tonight". The funniest part is how they subtly and gently bounce along, them the "aweemaweh" start, and then they start actually dancing.

119: TOW The Monkey Gets Away

  • Ross lampshades the Your Door Was Open nature of the gang's apartment building:
    [Barry bursts in to Rachel's apartment uninvited]
    Barry: Rachel, I can't. I can't do it, I can't marry Mindy. I think I'm still in love with you.
    [beat]
    Ross: We have GOT to start locking that door!

120: TOW the Evil Orthodontist

  • Chandler is staring intently at the telephone, waiting for a girl to call. Monica sneaks up behind him and makes a telephone buzzing/ringing sound. Chandler scrambles for the phone to answer it, realizes he's been tricked, and tells her "Hell is filled with people like you." Monica tosses her head defiantly while smirking.
  • Ross is on the couch filling out a crossword puzzle while Phoebe reads the rest of the paper next to him:
    Ross: "Heating device."
    Phoebe: Radiator.
    Ross: Five letters.
    Phoebe: Rdtor. (she smirks at her own joke)

121: TOW the Fake Monica

  • Joey's subplot sees him trying to come up with a Stage Name, leading to a hilarious Troll from Chandler.
    • It starts as a joke that takes an unexpected turn thanks to Joey's usual ignorance:
      Chandler: How about Joey... Pepponi?
      Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.
      Chandler: Joey... Switzerland?
      Joey: [gives Chandler an unamused look as a waitress sets a jug of cream and a mug of coffee on the table] Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joey makes me sound like I'm, I dunno, [gestures with his fingers] this big. [sees the waitress] Which I'm not!
      Chandler: [as the waitress leaves] Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe... Stalin? [chuckles to himself]
      Joey: [looks thoughtful] Stalin. [Chandler looks at him in disbelief] Stalin. Do I know that name? That sounds familiar!
      Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me...
      Joey: Huh. [looks thoughtful again]
      Chandler: But, uh, you're more plugged into that whole show business thing.
      Joey: [writes on a pad] Joe... Stalin. [Chandler tries not to laugh; Joey shows him the page and nods] Y'know, that's pretty good.
      Chandler: [nods] You might wanna try "Joseph".
      Joey: [snaps his fingers as if to say "Yes! Of course!" and changes "Joe" to "Joseph"] Joseph Stalin! [delighted] I think you'd remember that!
      Chandler: Oh yes! [mimes writing on a theatre marquee] "Bye Bye Birdie, with Joseph Stalin." "Joseph Stalin is... the Fiddler on the Roof." [he pats Joey on the back, grinning ear to ear; the oblivious Joey claps him on the thigh in approval]
    • Inevitably, when Joey goes into an audition with his new name, he has problems to report:
      [Joey enters Monica and Rachel's apartment, where Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are sat in the living room]
      Joey: [looking at Chandler] You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?
      Chandler: [feigning innocence] You're kidding.
      Joey: Apparently, he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people! You'd think you would've known that.
      Chandler: [deadpan] You know, you'd think I would've. [exchanges a look with Ross and Rachel] Hey. How about Joey Heatherton?
      Joey: C'mon, seriously! I told ya, I don't wanna go back to Joey! [Rachel chuckles to herself while Ross shrugs in mock innocence] Phoebe. What do you think a good stage name for me would be?
      Phoebe: [looks at Joey for a moment; dramatically] Flame Boy!
    • In The Tag, Joey goes to an audition for Romeo and Juliet with a new stage name... that causes just as many problems as his previous one:
      Bad Actor: [melodramatically] Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand
      That I might... touch thy... cheek!
      Casting Director: [unenthusiastically] That's fine. Thank you.
      Assistant Casting Director: Next.
      [the bad actor leaves the stage and Joey takes his place]
      Joey: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.
      Assistant Casting Director: Name?
      Joey: Holden McGroin.

122: TOW the Ick Factor

  • The guys make fun of Monica for dating the much younger Ethan:
    Ross: [Looks at camera] It's MORPHIN' TIME! [crosses wrists]
    Joey: TYRANOSAURUS!
    Chandler: TRICERATOPS!
  • Monica's reaction to Ethan being a teenager.
    "You shouldn't be here anyway. It's a school night!"
  • And to make the age difference really pronounced...
    Monica: I'm like one of those women you see with shiny guys named Chad. I'm Joan Collins.
    Ethan: Who?

123: TOW the Birth

  • When Monica starts moping over the fact that she isn't having kids yet, Chandler offers her a Fallback Childbirth Pact where if she hasn't found anyone by the time she turns 40 he'll have a baby with her. Monica doesn't take it the way he intended:
    Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm forty?
    Chandler: Oh, no, no. No. I just meant hypothetically.
    Monica: Okay. Hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm forty?
    Chandler: No! No, no—
    Monica: No, what is it? Seriously, is there something fundamentally un-marriable about me?
    Chandler: U-Uhhh...
    Monica: Well?!
    Chandler: (fumbles at back) Dear God, this - this parachute is a knapsack! (Rolls off of chair)
Advertisement:

     Season 2 
201: TOW Ross's New Girlfriend
  • Chandler and Joey are sporting new haircuts courtesy of "Vidal Buffay". Monica is impressed with the results and approaches Phoebe to ask about having her hair cut, but her method of bringing up the subject doesn't get the desired result at first:
    Monica: Pheebs! Y'know what I'm thinkin'?
    Phoebe: Oh, okay! [thinks] How... it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it?
    Monica: ... no. Although now that's what I'm thinking...
  • Chandler asks if anyone knows a good tailor (when Joey asks if he needs some clothes altered, Chandler snarks that he just wants someone to draw on him with chalk), and we get a classic moment of Joey cluelessness:
    Joey: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No, wait - 16. No - excuse me - 15. [still not sure] All right, when was 1990?
    Chandler: [exchanges a look of disbelief with Monica and Phoebe, then leans in to Joey] Okay... you have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!note 
  • After Ross comes home from China in a relationship with Julie, Rachel follows his lead of going out with an old flame and spends the night with Paolo. Then Ross and Julie arrive the next morning:
    Ross: What are you doing here?
    Paolo: I do Racquela.
  • Phoebe agrees - somewhat reluctantly - to cut Monica's hair. Hilarity Ensues when she doesn't quite understand who Monica wanted her hair like:
    Phoebe: Relax, I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it.
    Monica: ...How who wears it?
    Phoebe: Demi Moore.
    Monica: Demi Moore is not a he.
    Phoebe: Well, he was a he in Arthur and in Ten.
    Monica: (stands up) That's DUDLEY Moore! I said I wanted it like DEMI Moore!
    Phoebe: Oh. OH!
    Monica: Oh my GOD!
    Phoebe: Oh my God!
    Monica: OH MY GOD!
    Phoebe: I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'M SORRY! Which one is Demi Moore?
    Monica: She's the actRESS, that was in Disclosure! Indecent Proposal! GHOST!
    Phoebe: Oh! Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
    Monica: I KNOW! THAT'S WHY I WANTED TO LOOK LIKE HER!!
    Phoebe: Oh, I'm...y'know, my mom's...dead...
    Monica: OH MY GOD!
  • They later play it as if she has some horrible disease, with Monica in her room and Phoebe at the door, explaining it'll take some time for her to recover. When Joey asks if he can see her, Phoebe tells him he has such pretty hair that it'll probably set Monica off again. She then tells Ross he can come in. Ross realizes a second later what she is implying.
  • Joey's tailor turns out to "take advantage" of every customer he has, much to Chandler's horror. Joey is completely oblivious to this:
    Joey: (in a "duh!" tone) That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear.
    (Chandler and Ross stare at Joey)
    Joey: What? Ross, will you tell him. Isn't that how a tailor measures pants?
    Ross: (to Chandler) Yes, yes it is. (to Joey) In prison!
  • Joey's Oh, Crap! when he realises the truth moments later. And he eventually decides to call his dad:
    Joey: (on the phone) No, I swear to God, Dad! That's not how they measure pants!
  • Rachel later uses Phoebe's celebrity confusion when the latter offers to cut Ross's new girlfriend's hair:
    Phoebe: Rachel, just so I don't screw it up again; Andie MacDowell is the actress in Four Weddings and a Funeral, right?
    Rachel: Uh, no. That's Roddy McDowall. Andie MacDowell is the actor in Planet of the Apes.

202: TOW the Breast Milk

  • Ross trying to drink Carol's breast milk.
    Ross: Give me the bottle. (squeezes milk onto his arm) Give me the towel. (wipes the milk off and storms away)
  • Carol is breast-feeding Ben and Joey can't look at it.
    Ross: That is the most natural, beautiful thing in the world.
    Joey: Yeah, but there's a baby sucking on it.

204: TOW Phoebe's Husband

  • Rachel getting attacked by a pigeon. Forgot how high Jennifer Aniston can shriek. Made even funnier by her attempts to catch the pigeon.
    Rachel: That's right, you just read the Family Circus [advances on pigeon with a cooking pot] Enjoy the gentle comedy...
  • And when Rachel first meets Phoebe's husband, she opens the pot in surprise, and lets the pigeon go. Phoebe's husband is really impressed, and asks how she did it. Which leads to the gang revealing secrets about each other.
    Chandler: (after revealing Joey appeared in a porn movie) If I'm going down I'm taking everyone with me!
  • Chandler attempts to embarrass Joey by digging up the porn movie he was in early in his career. Since Joey didn't actually take part in the sex scenes he's happy to watch and narrate his performance for the gang. His role was "copier repair guy who catches the couple doing it on the machine".
    Joey: I can't get to the copier, I'm thinking "What do I do? What do I do?". So I just watch them have sex.

205: TOW Five Steaks and an Eggplant

  • Ross finds a message for Chandler on his answering machine:
    Ross: Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?
    Chandler: Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number, because she thinks that my number is Bob's number.
    Ross: Hey, tell me again, what do I do when Mr. Roper calls?
  • In the tag scene, the woman calls the apartment again, with Joey lying on the couch instead of Chandler. Originally, Joey was going to answer it, but he tripped on his way to the phone, which was deemed more hilarious, so it was left in.

206: TOW the Baby on the Bus

  • Ross makes the dubious decision to leave his baby son Ben with Chandler and Joey when a slice of Monica's kiwi lime pie causes a flare-up of his kiwi allergy, forcing Monica to rush him to the hospital for an allergy shot.
    Ross: [with a tongue swollen from his allergic reaction to the kiwi] Throw up a throw-throw - a throw-throw!
    Joey: Consider it done.
    Chandler: [to Joey] You understood that?
    Joey: Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue.
    Chandler: Is he the one with the beautiful wife?
  • Phoebe's songs are always good for laughs, and since this episode features a subplot in which a professional guitarist is given Phoebe's gig at Central Perk, there are several sterling examples of her... unique songwriting skills.
    • Near the beginning of the episode, she plays Rachel a song she wrote in the shower that morning:
      I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song
      Stop me if you've heard it
      My skin is soapy and my hair is wet
      And "Tegrin" spelled backwards is "nirget"
      [...]
      Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat... as needed
    • Just before Phoebe meets her replacement, we get another snippet:
      Phoebe: [singing] ... with the double double double-jointed boy.
  • In a brief crossover with Caroline in the City, Joey and Chandler meet Caroline when trying to find someone to show Ben to and she mistakes them for a gay couple who adopted a baby.note 
    Caroline: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through?
  • Joey and Chandler accidentally leaving Ben on the bus and running after the bus.
    Joey: BEN!
    Chandler: Oh, that's good, maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord!
  • So Chandler calls the New York Transit Authority from a payphone; neither he nor Joey impress the person at the other end:
    Chandler: Come on, pick up, pick up!... Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus... Yes, I do realise that would be a very stupid character.
    Joey: [grabs the phone] Hi, here's the deal. We lost a car seat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. [Beat; holds the phone to Chandler] He wants to talk to you again.
  • When they get to transit authorities, the Transit Authority guy assumes that one of them is the father. Their response?
    Chandler: That's me.
    Joey: I'm him.
    Chandler: Actually, uh, [puts his arm around Joey] we're both the father.
  • When Joey and Chandler go into the room with the babies, they find two of them. However, one is wearing ducks and the other one is wearing clowns. Joey and Chandler flip a coin for the baby. The coin lands on heads, and then we get this:
    Chandler: We have to assign heads to something.
    Joey: Right. Okay, okay, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.
    (Beat)
    Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?
  • At the end when Joey and Chandler come home with the baby:
    Ross: I'm here. How's my little boy? Want Daddy to change your diaper? So, did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today?
    Joey: Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today.
    Ross: Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus—Hey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt?
    Chandler: You, you are gonna love this.
    Ross: [handing Ben to Monica] Will you hold Ben for a sec? [chasing after Chandler and Joey] Come here. Come here.
    Chandler: [grabbing Monica's pie as he and Joey try to get away] Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, run!

208: TOW the List

  • Chandler is so proud of his new laptop's capabilities, when today it's laughably inadequate compared to a cellphone.
    Chandler: All right, check out this bad boy, 12 megabytes of RAM, 500 megabyte hard drive, built-in spreadsheet capabilities, and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 bps.note 
    Phoebe: Wow! What are you gonna use it for?
    Chandler: Games and stuff.
  • This episode includes another classic Phoebe song entitled "The Two of Them Kissed Last Night", a very thinly veiled fictionalisation of Ross' conundrum of having to choose between Rachel and Julie.
    There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy, let's call him Neil
    Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real
    Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside
    Will Betty be the one who he loves truly, or will it be the one who we'll call Ju—Loolie
    He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide
  • Monica's subplot in this episode sees her being hired to help market Mockolate, a synthetic chocolate substitute (that, judging from the reaction of both Monica and everyone who eats the food she creates with it, tastes absolutely awful - and, her employer implies, may carry health risks), and includes a moment so funny it ended up having to be re-written and only appears in the gag reel. Monica makes a batch of Mockolate chip cookies for Rachel and Phoebe; Phoebe eats one and says, "This must be what evil tastes like." However, we know from the gag reel that the original line was "Jesus, Monica, these are the cookies they serve in hell!" The line had to be changed because Lisa Kudrow simply could not say the line without laughing.
  • Ross agonizes over having to choose between Rachel and Julie. Chandler can't sympathize.
    Ross: What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.
    Chandler: Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh no, two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight!"
  • Though it ends on a Tear Jerker with Rachel's reaction to what Ross thinks are her cons, the boys' panicked trying to keep the list away from her. Particularly Chandler's "reading" the "short story".
    Chandler: It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch! "Oh, look," cried Ned. And then the kingdom was his forever, the end!

210: TOW Russ

  • Rachel starts dating Ross' doppelganger, a periodontist named Russ (played by David Schwimmer in a wig and false chin). Phoebe, Monica, Chandler, and Joey all notice the resemblance immediately, but Ross and Russ do not (Ross even indulges in a bit of Hypocritical Humor regarding Russ' vocal mannerisms), and neither does Rachel until Phoebe draws her attention to it, at which point she cannot unsee it and drops Russ like a sack of potatoes. In The Tag, a dejected Russ runs into Chandler and Phoebe at Central Perk, and then Ross' ex-girlfriend Julie shows up, and it's Love at First Sight, complete with romantic music swelling on the soundtrack... and looks of utter disbelief on Chandler and Phoebe's faces.
  • This episode sees the beginning of the story arc in which Joey is cast in Days of Our Lives. He stops by the office of his agent, Estelle, and tells her he got a callback (though he goes on to tell her that the (female) casting director was flirting with him and implied that a session on the Casting Couch would guarantee him the part). Her initial reaction to the news of his callback is hilarious:
    Estelle: Have you ever seen me ecstatic?
    Joey: No.
    Estelle: Well, here it is. [cracks a really small smile that looks more like she just smelled something unpleasant]
  • When Joey brings up the impression he had that he was expected to perform sexual favors for the part, Estelle calls the casting director to "straighten it out."
    Estelle: So, how about Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver? Isn't he terrific? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay, doll, I'll talk to you later. [hangs up] Yeah, you're going to have to sleep with her.
  • Two subplots are wrapped up in the last scene before the credits, as Monica discovers that Fun Bobby only seems fun because of his alcoholism, and going on the wagon makes him incredibly dull - prompting Monica to start drinking just to endure her time with him and making him concerned that she is becoming alcoholic herself, leading him to end their relationship. Cue Ross and Chandler paying out Side Bets to Phoebe and Rachel, respectively. Then Joey arrives and announces that he couldn't go on the Casting Couch with the Days of Our Lives casting director after all - only to be offered a larger role as a result (and, as implied by his announcement that he needs to take a shower, he apparently slept with her anyway). Cue Phoebe and Rachel paying their money back to Ross and Chandler.

211: TOW the Lesbian Wedding

  • Monica is doing the catering for Carol and Susan's wedding, and has roped the others (except Rachel) into helping.
    Monica: Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you want to see me cry?
    Phoebe: Sir, no, sir!
  • Monica choosing to tell Rachel her lame cooking idea for the wedding at the most inappropriate moment possible (her mother has just told her she wants to divorce her father):
    Monica: Alright, tell me if this is too cute: Lesbian wedding: chicken breast?
    Rachel: [horrified at her mother's news] Oh, God... I think I'm gonna be sick... [runs to the bathroom]

212-13: TO After the Super Bowl

  • Joey asks Chandler what they're going to do for dinner. Chandler responds that they could stay in and cook for themselves. After a beat both break out in laughter at the utter absurdity of that idea.
  • Phoebe's four different songs in the first half. These were songs she wrote to sing to children. Doubles as heartwarming when the children she was performing for track her down because they like that her songs speak the truth, rather than the mushy material they are used to.
    Now Grandma's a person who everyone likes,
    She bought you a train and a bright shiny bike.
    Well, lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,
    And the last time you saw her she looked so much thinner...
    Now your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
    But the truth is she died, and someday you will too.

    There'll be times when you get older
    When you'll want to sleep with people
    Just to make them like you...
    But don't!
    Because that's another thing that you don't wanna do,
    That's another thing that you don't wanna do.

    Now the cow in the meadow goes "Moo."
    Now the cow in the meadow goes "Moo."
    Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up
    And that's how we get hamburgers!
    [spoken] Nowwww, chickens!

    Sometimes men love women,
    And sometimes men love men,
    And then there are bisexuals,
    But some just say they're kidding themselves...
  • Monica and Rachel discover that they have both been dating Jean-Claude Van Damme and get into a fight with each other. Phoebe breaks them apart by dragging them away by their ears. After Rachel agrees to break things off with him, we get the following reaction from Phoebe:
    Phoebe: If we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
  • In order to convince a Loony Fan that Joey is Dr Drake Remoray's evil twin, Rachel and Monica use some soap opera cliches and throw their drinks at him. Chandler doesn't want to be outdone...
    Rachel: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me!
    [Throws water in Joey's face]
    Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he DIDN'T!
    [Throws water in Joey's face]
    Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard!
    [Throws water in Joey's face]

214: TOW the Prom Video

  • In the episode's Chandler/Joey subplot, Joey, now financially stable after being cast on Days of Our Lives, buys Chandler a gaudy gold bracelet to thank him for financially supporting him while he was a starving actor. Unfortunately, Joey walks into Central Perk while Chandler is telling Phoebe how ridiculous he finds the bracelet, and Chandler spends the rest of the episode trying to atone.
    • Chandler's attempts to apologize for making fun of the bracelet go downhill when he discovers that he lost it. He then lifts up the seat cushions, and Joey sees him.
      Chandler: I am here on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in Biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now...
    • Chandler finally buys a replacement bracelet, only for Rachel to find the one he lost. When Joey sees the two bracelets, Chandler covers by saying he got him one as an apology.
      Joey: [excited] We're bracelet buddies!
      Chandler: [horrified] That's what they'll call us!
  • The gang is watching an old video of "FatMonica"; present-day Monica protests, "Come on, the camera adds ten pounds!"... prompting Chandler to snark, "So how many cameras are actually on you?"
  • Another classic David Schwimmer physical comedy moment: in the video, when everyone thinks Rachel's prom date is standing her up, Jack and Judy Geller suggest Ross go as her date. He is in such a mad dash to go upstairs to change into his father's tuxedo that he trips on the stairs.

215: TOW Ross and Rachel... You Know

  • This episode sees the debut of Chandler and Joey's leather recliners, which they refuse to leave for most of the rest of the episode. Phoebe tries to get them to quit watching the TV for the first time in hours, only to flip out and join them when they turn on Xanadu of all things.
  • The absurd lengths they go to to avoid having to get up. They have food delivered to Monica and Rachel's apartment. When Joey raises the possibility they might have to use the bathroom, Chandler calls the pizza place to cancel their sodas.
  • Joey and Chandler watching (and acting like) Beavis and Butt-Head.
  • During Ross and Rachel's impromptu date at the museum, they have a picnic in the planetarium. Ross turns on the projector so the entire room is lit up beautifully with stars... and then a loud recording bellows “FIVE BILLION YEARS AGO...” as Ross scrambles to turn it off. They then start making out, only for Rachel to pull back, tenderly telling Ross that it's okay he, uh, got excited too quickly. Ross is quick to tell her that they had simply rolled over one of the juice boxes.

216: TOW Joey Moves Out

  • Rachel is pissed off at Phoebe for goading her into getting a tattoo while chickening out of her plan to get her own tattoo of a lily (her dead mother's name).
    Rachel: Your mother is up in heaven going, "Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?!"
  • Everyone at Monica's father's birthday party knows Richard is dating a younger woman, but only Ross knows it's Monica, leading to some awkward moments. Richard's Squicked expression at the last part sells it.
    Richard: I am not telling you guys anything.
    Jack: C'mon Rich, it's my birthday, let me live vicariously.
    Ross: Dad, you really don't want to do that...
    Jack: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?
    Richard: Jack, would you let it go?
    Jack: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50, I got the Porsche. You, you got your own little speedster.
    Richard: Guys, seriously, it is not like that.
    Jack: Tell you what. Maybe one of these weekends, you can borrow the car, and I could...
    Ross: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence...
  • Richard and Monica briefly hiding in the bathroom together turns extremely awkward as Judy comes in just as Richard comes out, as he rather loudly congratulates Judy on using the bathroom so that Monica knows to hide in the shower. Judy is of course extremely weirded out.
    • Then Jack comes in the bathroom while Judy is in there. They then start getting frisky, while Monica is still hiding in the shower.
    • After Jack and Judy rejoin the party, Ross notices Monica following them, looking shell-shocked.
      Ross: Mon? Mon, are you okay?
      Monica: You know that video I found of Mom and Dad?
      Ross: Yeah?
      Monica: I just caught the live show.
      Ross: Ew?
    • Jack is understandably upset to find out that Monica and Richard are dating, which Monica shut down very quickly.
      Monica: You said yourself that you've never seen Richard happier.
      Jack: When did I say that?
      Monica: In the bathroom, right before you felt up Mom!

220: TOW Old Yeller Dies

  • Phoebe finally sees the end of films her family wouldn't let her watch.
    Phoebe: I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, watcha doin' with that gun? Oh, no! No, no, Travis, put down the gun. No, no, no, no, he... he's your buddy, he's your Yeller! No, no, no, the end! The end!
    [BOOM]
    Phoebe: Okay, what kind of sick doggie snuff-movie is this?
  • And apparently Old Yeller was not the only film that was switched off before it ended in the Buffay home:
    Phoebe: What is happening to the world? I mean, because E.T. leaves, and... and Rocky loses, Charlotte dies...
    Richard: Charlotte who?
    Phoebe: With the web. The spider, she dies, she dies. She has babies and dies. It's like, you know: Hey, welcome home from the hospital. Thud.
  • Monica offers Chandler and Joey leftover chicken and potatoes from her dinner with Richard.
    Monica: All right, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
    Chandler: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?
  • The gang try to convince Phoebe that It's a Wonderful Life lives up to its title:
    Phoebe: Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, Pride Of The Yankees. I thought I was gonna see a film about yankee pride, and then, boom! The guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease.
    Richard: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming?
  • Richard accepts Chandler and Joey's offer of a spare New York Knicks ticket. Monica is concerned, but Richard shrugs it off:
    Richard: Don't worry, I like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends. They don't start sentences with, "You know who just died shoveling snow?"
  • Monica wonders why it bothers her that Richard has gone to the basketball game with Chandler and Joey instead of spending the evening with her. Phoebe takes the long view:
    Phoebe: Does it matter? You're ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pet's head off.
  • Chandler's mustache draws fire immediately.
    Ross: Look, it's the artist formerly known as Chandler.
    Monica: With that mustache, doesn't Chandler remind you of Aunt Sylvia?
    Ross: THANK YOU!
  • Ross gets a bit carried away planning his future with Rachel:
    Rachel: I don't know, you tell me! One minute I'm holding Ben like a football. The next thing I know, I've got two kids and I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes!
    Ross: Well I'm sorry. I think about stuff. You know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind wanders.
  • Richard wipes the table with Joey and Chandler at foosball:
    Richard: But... he gets it back, passes to the middle, lines it up, and... bam! Yes! Could that shot be any prettier?
    Joey: Man, you are incredible!
    Richard: Well, we had a table in college.
    Chandler: Oh, really? I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's.
    Richard: Nice moustache, by the way. When puberty hits that thing's really gonna kick in.

222: TOW the Two Parties

  • Joey is quick on his feet when it looks like Rachel's parents are going to come in contact with one another:
    Phoebe: Well, I guess we're gonna be going out into the hallway now...
    Joey: Thanks for coming, Mrs. Green! [smooch]
  • Her reaction is even better...
    Mrs Green: Well this is the best party I've ever been to in years...
    Monica: Thank you!note 

224: TOW Barry and Mindy's Wedding

  • Chandler is pursuing online romance, and inevitably Phoebe observes that for all he knows, his "girlfriend" could "be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or... it could be a guy."note  Joey has a foolproof test for the last of those:
    Joey: Just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men.
    Chandler: [looks at Joey in disbelief] How do you not fall down more?
  • Joey is auditioning for a film in which he has to kiss another man, so he tries putting the moves on every other male character in the episode. Finally, in The Tag, Ross plants a big kiss on Joey... who tells him that his audition was that morning and he didn't get the part, but that Rachel is a very lucky girl...

     Season 3 
301: TOW the Princess Leia Fantasy
  • The Teaser sees the gang entering Central perk as usual, with Joey insisting that a girl winked at him... but their conversation is cut short when they find their usual sofa occupied. So they immediately turn around and leave, dejected.
  • Joey watches Wheel of Fortune:
    [the first M of "Mount Rushmore" is missing]
    Joey: This guy is so stupid. IT'S COUNT RUSHMORE!
    Chandler: Y'know, you should really go on this show!
    [later in the scene, after an argument with Chandler over Joey's hatred of Janice]
    Chandler: Oh, and by the way, there IS no Count Rushmore!!
    Joey: Yeah? Then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?
    [Chandler gives Joey a look of pure, concerned bewilderment before he leaves]
  • Ross gets embarrassed that Rachel tells Monica and Phoebe that he secretly wants her to role-play as Princess Leia in her (in)famous gold bikini from Return of the Jedi during sex. After Rachel tells him that sharing is what girls do, he tries it with Chandler, who ends up sharing...a bit too much.
    Chandler: Okay, you know, you know when you're in bed, with a woman.
    Ross: Hmm.
    Chandler: And, ah, you know, you're fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place....
    Ross: With the belly-button ring? Oh, muhawa!
    Chandler: I know! And then all of the sudden your mom pops into your head. And you're like: "Mom?! Get outta here!" You know, but of course, like, after that you can't possibly think of anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what you're doing! So it's kinda like, you're, y'know. Y'know...
    [Ross just stares at him in horror]
    Chandler: You don't know!
    Ross: [nauseated] Your mom...? You're telling— you're telling me, abou— about your mom, what is the matter with you?!
    Chandler: YOU SAID—
    Ross: I said "share", not "scare"! Got sit over there.
    [Chandler moves to another chair away from Ross]
  • This becomes a Brick Joke at the end of the episode when Rachel has actually bought a Slave Leia costume and is about to play out Ross's fantasy — when she notices that he has a really weird look on his face. And for added hilarity if you're a Star Wars fan, Rachel actually DID get the hair wrong.note 
    Rachel: Honey, what is it? Did I get it wrong, did I get the hair wrong? Or what? Did you just picture it differently?
    Ross: No, it's not you, it's...
    [cut to Ross's mom stood where Rachel is wearing the exact same clothes and wig]
    Judy Geller as Rachel: Well, what is it? C'mon, sweetie, you're kind of, like, freaking me out here.
    Ross: [nauseated] I hate Chandler. The bastard ruined my life.

302: TOW No-One's Ready

  • "LOOK AT ME, I'M CHANDLER! Could I BE wearing any more clothes?!" Especially hilarious is Chandler's reaction to Joey saying he's still going commando while wearing all of Chandler's clothes. The lines leading up to this exchange are also worth a mention:
    Joey: Where's my underwear?
    Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what, you took his underwear?
    Chandler: He took my essence!
    Ross: Okay, hold on. Joey, why-why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?
    Joey: 'Cause I'm not wearing any underwear now.
    Ross: Okay. Um, then, why do you have to wear underwear tonight?
    Joey: It's a rented tux! Okay, I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.
    Chandler: Well, then, it looks like somebody's gonna have to give somebody back his cushions.
    Joey: Okay. You hide my clothes, I'm going to do the exact opposite to you!
    Chandler [completely incredulous]: Wha... What, are you-What, are you gonna SHOW me my clothes?
    Joey: Hey, opposite... is opposite!
    [later, Joey bursts in wearing all of Chandler's clothes, which leaves Chandler completely astonished]
    Joey: Okay, buddy boy, here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own!
    Chandler: Oh my god! That is SO not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!
  • Pretty much anything involving Joey, Chandler, and the chair.
    Chandler: All right, fine, I'm going, but when I get back it's CHAIR CITY, and I'm the guy who's....s-sitting in a CHAIR!
  • When they accidentally spill hummus on Phoebe's dress, the best she can sputter out in rage is "Oh my God, you...ROTTEN BOYS!"
  • When Monica hacks into Richard's answering machine to erase the past messages and leaves one explaining what happened (even blaming her erratic behaviour on her period), she accidentally saves it as the out-going message. Cue her calling Richard's machine and hearing her message play. Monica's Big "NO!" (twice!) sells it.
    Monica: Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe they could change the message. Maybe they can change his number!
    Phoebe: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that himself.

305: TOW Frank Jr.

  • Joey innocently points out to Monica that her bathroom floor is "old and dingy", leading to the following exchange. The best part is Monica's completely serious reaction to the different colour of the floor under the hamper:
    Monica: [seeing Joey's tight jeans] Hey! Where ya' headed in those pants, 1982?
    Joey: [helping himself to a beer from the fridge] Oh, Monica, listen, I saw down at the hardware store they got those designer tiles on sale, if you ever wanna redo your bathroom floor.
    Monica: What's wrong with my bathroom floor?
    Joey: Nothing, it's just... old and dingy, that's all.
    Monica: [smiles] I highly doubt that.
    Joey: [chuckles] Oh, yeah? [heads for the bathroom] If you, uh... move your hamper, you can see the colour the tile used to be. [pulls the laundry hamper away from the wall; Monica gasps in horror] Yeah.
    Monica: I can't live like this! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
    Joey: Relax, relax! Here, hold this. [hands her his beer bottle] This old stuff comes right up, I'll show you. [bends down and scrapes at the floor just in front of the door with a gouge]
    Monica: [her eyes drawn to Joey's tight jeans again] Little more than I wanted to see.
    Joey: [gouges out a chunk of tile] Aw! Look at that! Every inch of this is glued down! It'd take forever to pry this up! [replaces the gouge in his tool belt and takes his beer back] You should, uh, you should just leave it. [starts to leave]
    Monica: [grabs Joey and pulls him back] I can't leave it! You gouged a hole in my dingy floor!
    Joey: [picks up the toilet brush holder from next to the sink and puts it over the gouge - right in the middle of the doorway - then stands back proudly] Eh? There you go!
    Monica: Aw. That's nice! You know, we can put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon!

306: TOW the Flashback

  • As the flashback begins, we learn that Ugly Naked Guy didn't always match the first part of his moniker:
    Phoebe: Cute Naked Guy is really starting to put on weight.
  • Monica seeing Joey naked:
    Monica: Here's your glass of penis!
  • Ross and Phoebe suddenly making out on a pool table. Ross bangs his head on a lamp and gets a foot stuck in one of the table's holes while on top of Phoebe. He also complains that the "stupid balls are in the way", prompting another giggle from Pheebs.
    Ross: I can't get it out.
    Phoebe: That's not what a girl wants to hear.

308: TOW the Giant Poking Device

  • In one subplot, Joey sees Janice, who is currently in a relationship with Chandler, kissing her ex-husband, Gary AKA the Mattress King.
    • The first person Joey tells is Monica, and the two of them enter Central Perk to find Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe around the table:
      Joey: Hey, i-is Chandler here?
      Ross: [pats himself down as though looking for Chandler in his pockets] ... no, no he's not!
    • Joey decides not to tell Chandler out of fear at how he will react - until he and Chandler pass a jeweller's and Chandler decides to go in to buy Janice a birthday present. Joey's attempts to talk him out of it don't go well:
      Chandler: [as he and Joey pass the jeweller's window] Hey, hold on a sec, hold on a sec. [points at a necklace] Do you think these pearls are nice?
      Joey: I'd really prefer a mountain bike.
      Chandler: [smiles thinly] Janice's birthday is coming up, I wanna get her something special. [Joey visibly wrestles with whether to tell Chandler the truth] Come in here with me.
      Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. You, uh... you wanna get her something special. Get her flowers, get her candy - get her gum. Girls love gum!
      Chandler: That's a good idea. "Dear Janice: Have a Hubba Bubba birthday!" [Joey gestures in agreement] I would like to get her something serious.
      Joey: Ohhh, you want something serious. You know what you should do? You should get her one of those, um... barium enemas! Those are dead serious!
      Chandler: [absorbs this] All right. Look, I'm gonna go in there, and you don't buy me anything ever!
  • In another subplot, Monica and Rachel are left in charge of looking after Ross' son, Ben.
    • The girls try to get Ben to laugh by swinging him up and down, only to bump his head against a beam and causes a bumped bruise to appear:
      Rachel: We're not OK. Oh, god. There's a lump on his head.
      Monica: Well push it in! PUSH IT IN!
      Rachel: I cannot push it in!
    • They decide to cover up his bump with a hat. Rachel says "I'll get Rainy Day Bear" and Monica snarks "Because he'll know what to do?" - Rachel wants the hat on the bear's head. When Monica tries to pull the hat off, she ends up ripping the bear's entire head off. Rachel then wails "it's like a blood bath in here today!"
    • That episode becomes even funnier in hindsight, since Ben starts saying "Monica Bang," basically getting ready to squeal on Monica. Looking back, it almost sounds like he's saying "Monica Bing."
    • Rachel tries to defuse the situation by hitting her head against the beam repeatedly while saying "Rachel Bang", but gives up after the pain gets to be too much.
      Rachel: Y'know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it.
    • A scene later on has Ross discover through Rachel about his son's injury and decides to mess with Monica by telling her that Ben is suddenly no good at the alphabet anymore and he is also walking funny. This causes Monica to break down and shout "OH GOD I WRECKED YOUR BABY!" as she runs in the bedroom to check on Ben. Rachel's snarky, "I hope it's still funny when you're in hell" is funny enough, but then Monica comes back a moment later and chases Ross around for being such a jerk. Cue Laser-Guided Karma on Ross when he smacks his head into another beam.
      Rachel: (heading back into her room) I'll get the hat.
    • That beam is eventually gone in later episodes. Maybe they had it removed because it was such a hazard?
    • Watch Rachel as Ross plays his little trick. She can't keep a straight face and turns away so Monica can't see.
  • And in the subplot which gives the episode its name, Phoebe is resisting going to the dentist with a toothache because the last few times she went to the dentist, someone she knew died while she was in the chair. She finally caves and, after returning from the dentist, calls everyone she knows (Chandler doesn't pick up at first as he is confronting Janice over two-timing him, causing a panicked Phoebe to charge across from Monica and Rachel's apartment) and confirms they're all still alive... until Joey notices Ugly Naked Guy hasn't moved since that morning. Since he and Chandler have pairs of chopsticks from the many times they've ordered Chinese food, Joey leads the others in fashioning a giant poking device, which they stick through Monica and Rachel's window like thread through a needle and then through Ugly Naked Guy's window. Fortunately for Phoebe's future dental health, he's very much alive - and not happy about having his nap interrupted:
    Rachel: Hey-hey, now he's showing us his poking device.
    Joey: Hey, that's never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!

309: TOW the Football

  • The story of the Geller Cup.
    Ross: So Mom forbade us to play and Dad threw the Geller Cup into the lake.
    Chandler: And the curse was lifted?
  • When Monica reveals she fetched the cup from the lake:
    Chandler: Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four?
    Everyone Else: Yeah.
    Chandler: Okay, good.
  • And also:
    Ross: [To Monica] Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater!
    [Everyone gasps. Ross crossed a line]
    Phoebe: Oh, my GOD!
  • Phoebe's method of distracting Chandler: Lifting up her shirt so he'd stop to look at her boobs. It works.

310: TOW Rachel Quits

  • In a bit of Comedic Sociopathy, Ross demonstrating a backflip... right into a girl scout, who shrieks.
    Monica: You broke a little girl’s leg?!!
    Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay.
    Chandler: (reading the paper) Says here that a muppet got whacked on Seasame Street last night. Where exactly were around ten-ish?
  • Ross finds out a great pusher for cookie sales: the munchies!

311: TOW Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister

  • Chandler's a kisser when he's drunk.
    Chandler: Look, when I’ve been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and I’m sorry.
    Monica: That's okay.
    Rachel: That's all right.

312: TOW All the Jealousy

  • Chandler, Joey and Ross talking about Rachel and Mark.
    Chandler: Then she'll be like "I should be with him 'cause he understands me".
    Joey: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, "Oh, man!" And he'll be all, "Yes!" And us, we'll be like "Oh, dude!" And pretty soon you'll be like, "Hi," and, "Well, I can't go. Rachel and Mark might be there." And we'll be like, "Man, get over it, it's been four years!"
    Chandler: He paints quite a picture, doesn't he?
  • Joey's ridiculous dancing, which he teaches to an entire troupe at an audition. He lied about his dancing experience, so when it comes time for him alone to do a complex routine in front of everyone, he does the only thing possible as the music starts: run for the exit.

313: TOW Monica and Richard are Just Friends

  • The entire subplot about Phoebe's new boyfriend Robert, who wears short shorts in the middle of winter... with nothing underneath.
    • Chandler is the first to get an unwilling and unwitting glimpse of "little Robert":
      [Ross and Chandler are on the sofa at Central Perk as Phoebe enters with Robert, both of them carrying rollerblades]
      Phoebe: Um - Chandler, Ross, this is Robert.
      Chandler: [standing and shaking Robert's hand] Hey.
      Ross: [doing likewise] Oh, hey.
      Phoebe: You have lipstick right here. [indicates her cheek]
      Robert: Oh! [wipes off his (other) cheek]
      Phoebe: [off Chandler and Ross' concerned looks] That's okay, it's mine, we just kissed. [Chandler and Ross nod; Ross sits down again]
      Chandler: So isn't it a bit cold out for shorts? [sits down again]
      Robert: Well... [sits on the arm of Phoebe's chair] I'm from California.
      Chandler: ... right, right, sometimes you guys just burst into flame.
      [Robert looks perplexed by Chandler's quip, but shrugs it off and puts one foot up on the table as he begins talking to Phoebe, affording Chandler an unwanted glimpse up his shorts. Chandler gets a horrified look on his face; eventually, he thinks through enough of the shock to stand up]
      Chandler: I'm up!... [clears throat] I'm up! I've... gotten up... now! Anybody, uh, want anything?
      Phoebe: I'll have coffee!
      Robert: Yeah, me too!
      Ross: Yeah, make that three.
      Chandler: Okay! Ross, why don't you come with me?
      Ross: [confused] Okay... [joins Chandler at the counter] Wha... [laughs] What is the matter with you? What's going on?
      Chandler: Robert's coming out.
      Ross: What- what do you mean, he- what, is he gay?
      Chandler: No, he- [sighs, spends a few moments searching for the right words] He's coming out of his shorts.
      Ross: ... what!?
      Chandler: The man is showing brain.
      Ross: Are you sure? [Chandler grimaces and nods] Hold on... [walks back to Phoebe and Robert, clears his throat] I'm sorry, you guys, that was a coffee and a...
      Robert: Coffee.
      Ross: Okay.
      Robert: We could write it down for you!
      Ross: [leaning over the back of the sofa] No! No, that won't be, uh... won't be necessa... [sees what Chandler saw and dissolves into nervous laughter, then rejoins Chandler at the counter]
      Chandler: Well?
      Ross: [still in shock] Yeah! Yeah. Yeah.
      Chandler: What do we do? What do we do?
      Ross: I suppose we just... try to... not look directly at it.
      Chandler: ... like an eclipse.
    • Later, it's Joey's turn to be unknowingly flashed by Robert...
      [Joey and Chandler are on the sofa at Central Perk while Ross is at a nearby table; Phoebe and Robert enter with basketball gear]
      Phoebe, Robert: Hey.
      Ross: Hey, how'd the, uh, basketball go?
      Phoebe: Oh! Okay, I learned how to shoot a layup, a foul shot, and a 23-pointer. [tosses the basketball to Chandler]
      Chandler: You mean a three-pointer?
      Phoebe: Oh. I get more because I'm dainty! [Robert smiles and shrugs]
      Robert: So, um, is there a phone here, I can check my messages?
      Phoebe: Yeah, in the back. Do you want a quarter? [begins digging in her pockets]
      Robert: Oh, no, thanks, I always carry one in my sock. [puts his foot up on the arm of the sofa, right in Chandler's line of sight; Chandler tries to look away while Ross studies his book very closely, and eventually Chandler starts leaning against Joey, who has just re-started his attempt at reading Little Women]
      Joey: What are you doing!? [shoves Chandler to the other end of the sofa] Get back on your side of the- [sees what Chandler was trying to avoid looking at] HELLOOO! [exchanges a shocked look with Ross, then tries to cover his outburst by extending his hand] Hi. I'm Joey. We haven't met.
      Robert: [shakes Joey's hand] Hi, good to meet you. Robert. [goes back to the payphone as Joey, Chandler, and Ross start laughing]
      Phoebe: [returning with a cup of coffee] What? What? You guys, what is going on? [sits on the sofa between Joey and Chandler] Do you not like Robert? [Joey, Chandler, and Ross just laugh harder] Why are you laughing!?
      Ross: Calm down, there's no reason to get testy. [Joey and Chandler roar with laughter]
      Phoebe: You guys, come on!
      Chandler: We're sorry. We're sorry. It just seems that Robert isn't as concealed... in the shorts area... as, uh, one may have hoped.
      Phoebe: What do you mean?
      Robert: [returns from the payphone and sits in the armchair] Hey.
      Phoebe: Hey.
      Joey: Uh, Robert! Could you, uh... uh, pass me those cookies?
      Robert: Sure! [puts one foot up on the table; now it's Phoebe's turn to see up his shorts. She gasps in horror]
    • Phoebe attempts to persuade Robert to wear stretch pants instead of shorts. Chandler enthusiastically adds his voice to Phoebe's:
      Chandler: Stretchy pants?! Why, those are the greatest things in the world! If I were you I would wear them every day, every day!
    • But Robert claims stretch pants make him feel too exposed, and he ends up inadvertently flashing Rachel as well after bending down to pick up his keys, so Phoebe decides she has to tell him about his accidental exposures. However, she can't find a tactful way to tell him why he is starting to make her uncomfortable - fortunately, Gunther isn't as concerned about tact:
      [Phoebe joins Chandler on the sofa at Central Perk; Ross is in the armchair]
      Phoebe: Robert will be here any second, so... could one of you just tell him? [Ross groans in disgust] Please! Right now, every time I see him, it's like, "Is it on the loose? Is it watching me?" [Ross and Chandler make "Absolutely not" gestures]
      Chandler: We can't tell him! You can't go up to a guy you barely know and talk about his... stuff.
      Ross: He's right, even if it's to say something complimentary. [slowly gets a "What did I just say!?" look on his face]
      Robert: [entering with a gym bag; sits on the opposite armchair to Ross] Hey!
      Phoebe: Hey.
      Robert: So, you ready for the gym? They've got this new rock climbing wall - we can spot each other!
      Phoebe: ... yeah, I can spot you from here.
      Robert: ... what?
      Phoebe: [hesitantly] Okay, listen, Robert...
      Ross: [to Chandler] Hey, don't we have to...? [gets up from his chair]
      Chandler: Yeah, we got- yeah. Mm-mm. [he and Ross leave together]
      Phoebe: Um... [scoots along the sofa, and sighs] I think you're really, really great-
      Robert: [thinking he knows where this is going] Ohh, God! Here we go again... why does this keep happening to me? [puts one of his feet on the table] Is it something I'm putting out there? [Phoebe rolls her eyes and tries to avoid eye contact with Robert for fear of seeing "little Robert"] Is this my fault? Or am I just nuts?
      Phoebe: I - I - I - I - I don't know - I don't know what to say...
      Gunther: [bends over to clear the table and sees up Robert's shorts] Hey buddy? This is a family place. Put the mouse back in the house.
      [Robert looks down and finally gets it; he puts his foot back on the floor and looks thoroughly embarrassed]

316: TO the Morning After

  • When Ross insists on talking about his cheating, this happens, with Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey listening from the bedroom, which they're afraid to leave:
    Rachel: How was she?
    Chandler: Uh-oh.
    Ross: What?
    Rachel: Was she good?
    Joey: Don't answer that.
    Rachel: Come on, Ross. You said you wanted to talk about it. Let's talk about it! How was she?
    Ross: She was...
    Joey: Awful. Horrible.
    Chandler: Not good.
    Joey: Nothing compared to you.
    Ross: She...She was different.
    [Chandler and Joey groan]
  • As Rachel is physically assaulting Ross:
    Phoebe: Should we do something?
    Chandler: Yeah. Never cheat on Rachel.
  • After a while...
    Chandler: You know what? I think we can go out there. They have more important things to worry about.
    Joey: Yeah, we'll be fine.
    Ross: Look, Rachel, I wanted to tell you. I thought I should, I did, and then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to.
    [Monica and Phoebe give them censuring looks]
    Chandler: [hands Phoebe can of leg wax] Wax the door shut. We're never leaving, ever.
  • The four end up eating the wax because they're so hungry.

319: TOW the Tiny T-shirt

  • Chandler and Phoebe's conversation about Spider-Man's name. Even funnier when you see Monica laughing to herself at this conversation:
    Phoebe: Hey, why isn't it Spiderman? Y'know, like Goldman, Silverman?
    Chandler: [confused] Because it- it's not his last name.
    Phoebe: It isn't?
    Chandler: No, it's not like...Phil Spiderman! He's a Spider...Man! Y'know, like, uh, like Goldman is a last name, but there's no gold man!
    Phoebe: Oh okay... There should BE a Gold Man!

320: TOW the Dollhouse

  • The episode's A-plot is kicked off by Ross delivering the news that his and Monica's aunt passed away. Monica's reaction initially puzzles Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler:
    Ross: [entering Monica and Rachel's apartment] Hey.
    Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, Monica: Hey.
    Ross: Monica, uh... [puts his hands on her shoulders] Dad called this morning. Aunt Sylvia passed away.
    Monica: [Beat] YES! [stands up] YES! Yeah, yeah, yeah! [pumps her fist in celebration]
    Ross: [deadpan] We were all pretty shaken up about it.
    Phoebe: Wait, am I missing something, though? 'Cause I always thought that death was supposed to be sad, in a way.
    Ross: [putting his hand on Monica's shoulder again] Well, Aunt Sylvia was... well, not a nice person.
    Monica: Ugh. She was a cruel, cranky old bitch. [Ross gives her a Disapproving Look] And I'm sorry she died. [a thought occurs] Did Dad say I get the dollhouse?
    Ross: You get the dollhouse.
    Monica: [delighted] I get the dollhouse! [Chandler smiles and nods at her]
    Phoebe: Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was a kid, I had a barrel.
    Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?
    Phoebe: ... no, just a barrel.
    Monica: You know what? You can play with my dollhouse.
    Phoebe: [excited] Really? Really?
    Monica: Any time you want. Y'know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse. But no, it was to be looked at, but never played with!
    Chandler: My grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me. [the other four look at him] More a bathtub type situation.
  • One of the subplots sets a multi-episode story arc in motion as Chandler, having taken Rachel to lunch in exchange for a Bloomingdale's summer lingerie catalogue, meets her boss, Joanna:
    Joanna: Rachel, I need the Versace invoice. [seeing Chandler] Hello. You don't work for me.
    Rachel: Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing. [to Chandler] Joanna.
    Joanna: [shaking Chandler's hand] Bing! That's a great name.
    Chandler: Thanks. It's, uh, Gaelic for "Thy turkey's done!"
  • Inevitably, Monica has too many rules for what Phoebe can and cannot put in her aunt's dollhouse, so Phoebe makes her own, complete with a room of furniture made from confectionery, strings of Christmas lights, and a bubble machine; Ross and Rachel find it much more interesting than the antique, while Chandler...
    Chandler: [entering just as Phoebe switches on the bubble machine] Hey, my father's house does that!
  • Sadly, Phoebe's dollhouse meets a tragic end. Ross enters Monica and Rachel's apartment while Monica is in the shower, and realises he can smell smoke - the dollhouse has caught fire! He tries blowing it out, to no avail, then he tries filling a glass of water from the sink, but the shower is siphoning off the water pressure, causing him to grow impatient and empty the glass when it's only half full, still to no avail. So he picks up the burning dollhouse and moves toward the sink, then changes his mind and kicks in the bathroom door. We hear the sound of the shower curtain being pulled back, followed by Monica screaming. A later exchange implies that Ross chose a very unfortunate moment to pull back the curtain...
    Ross: [surveying the blackened remnants of Phoebe's dollhouse with a bathrobe-clad Monica] Sorry I, I scared you in there.
    Monica: Oh, that's okay. [Beat] By the way, I was just... checking... the shower massager.
    Ross: [Squicked by the memory] Yeah.
  • In The Tag, Joey, after experiencing what it is to sleep with someone he's really into only to be blown off afterward, is calling his old hookups to apologize.
    Joey: Hello, Jennifer? Oh, hi, Mrs. Lorio. Is Jennifer there? Ah, she's not home, huh? Well, uh, actually, I kind of need to talk to you, too.

321: TOW a Chick and a Duck

  • Ross isn't the only Geller who falls for That Came Out Wrong:
    Monica: I've been wanting to run my own kitchen since I got my first Easy Bake Oven and opened Easy Monica's Bakery. [Rachel just stares at her waiting if she just heard what she said]

322: TOW the Screamer

  • Joey appearing in what seemed to be a serious play, until he said "Now, I'm gonna get on this spaceship..." The best part of that was the buildup. Scenes from the play appeared in many episodes throughout the season, and it was made out to be one of those gritty off-off-Broadway productions. Then, after months, the spaceship landed.

323: TOW Ross' Thing

  • The A plot involves Ross discovering a strange growth on the small of his back. Having Rachel walk in on him when he is showing it to Chandler and Joey is embarrassing enough for him, but then he seeks medical advice, and the doctor who examines him has never seen anything like his growth, and ends up calling in a crowd of at least fifteen fellow doctors to look at it.
    Ross: [lying face down on the examining table with a cloth over his backside as the huge crowd of doctors gathers round him] You know, I have dinner plans!

324: TOW the Ultimate Fighting Championship

  • Robin Williams and Billy Crystal appear in The Teaser. They weren't scripted to appear, but happened to be nearby at the time of filming (just finishing wrapping up production of Father's Day) , so the producers asked them to step in. The result was an ad-libbed performance that was utterly hilarious, with Thomas (Robin) telling Tim (Billy) that he thinks his wife is sleeping with her gynaecologist, as "he's got access", and wondering if maybe his wound (which is still "oozing") is to blame, only for Tim to confess that he's the one sleeping with Thomas' wife ("So you're the gynaecologist?" Joey asks), leading to Thomas storming out, Tim running after him begging forgiveness, and Monica completely forgetting the news she had for the other five.
  • One of the episode's subplots sees Chandler's boss, Doug, expressing enthusiasm for Chandler's contributions by smacking him on the backside. The rest of the gang have... various reactions to the news, as well as Chandler's chosen method of delivery:
    Ross: That's right, Ryder. Winona Ryder for six... Thank you. [hangs up and turns to the others] Yeah, we have the reservations.
    Rachel: Yes!
    Chandler: All right buddy, way to go! [smacks Ross on the butt]
    Ross: [disgusted] Dude, what are you doing?
    Chandler: Thank you! Today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no big deal.
    Phoebe: Yeesh, what'd you do about it?
    Chandler: Well, I didn't do anything. I didn't want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.
    Monica: I gotta tell ya, I think it's okay to be that guy.
    Joey: Yeah, maybe it's like, y'know, that jock thing. Y'know how football players pat each other after touchdowns? [pats Ross on the backside; Ross glares at him and throws his arms out in a "What the hell!?" gesture]
    Rachel: Y'know I don't- I don't understand guys, I mean, I-I would never congratulate Monica on a great stew by y'know, grabbin' her boob!
    Chandler: Yeah, I know, for a really great stew you just, y'know, stick your head in between 'em.
    Monica: [unamused] Okay, can we please go eat?
    Joey: Yeah. What are we getting?
    Monica: [glaring at Chandler] Anything but stew.
    Ross: All right so, Chandler, from now on, don't give your boss a chance to get you. Y'know, just, ah, don't turn your back to him.
    Joey: Yeah, or you can teach him a lesson. Y'know? What you could do is you could rub something that really smells on your butt, all right? Then, when he goes to smack you, his hand will smell. [to himself] Now what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad?
    Chandler: [looks at Joey in disbelief, then turns to Ross and Monica] What if Joey were president?
  • The news Monica had in the opening scene is that her software tycoon boyfriend, Pete, has decided to become an MMA fighter and enter the Ultimate Fighting Championship, which he claims is banned in 49 states.note  After his first fight goes badly, his coach thinks having Monica there was a distraction, so they decide to watch his second fight on television. It goes even more badly:
    [Ross, Chandler, and Phoebe are on the balcony of Monica and Rachel's apartment, gathered around a barbeque]
    Joey: [leaning out of the window] Hey, the fight's starting!
    Ross: Okay, we'll be right in. [Joey heads back inside; Ross turns to Chandler] So, ah, did your boss try to slap you again today?
    Chandler: Nine times! Okay, I had to put on lotion! But it's gonna be okay, because as of tomorrow I'm conducting an experiment, and if all goes as planned, my butt will be smack free.
    Joey: [leaning out of the window again] Fight's over! [Ross, Chandler, and Phoebe are stunned]

     Season 4 
401: TOW the Jellyfish
  • Chandler, Joey and Monica explaining what happened to them at the beach after Monica was stung by a jellyfish and remembered one folk remedy for the sting:
    Ross: Eeww! You peed on yourself?!
    Phoebe, Rachel: Eeww!
    Monica: You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't...bend that way. So... (looks over at Joey)
    Ross, Phoebe, Rachel: (beat, then they all turn to Joey) Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!
  • And then Joey's declaration of friendship: "If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you!"
  • Ross and Rachel breaking up again.
    Rachel: And hey, just so you know: it's NOT that common, it DOESN'T happen to every guy and it IS a big deal!
    Chandler: I knew it!

402: TOW the Cat

  • After ripping his suits on the entertainment unit once too often, Chandler forces Joey to advertise it for sale. However, as Phoebe wraps up a set at Central Perk (a funny moment on its own), Ross reads the advertisement and suspects a bit of embellishment has taken place:
    Phoebe: ... DUMB, DRUNKEN BITCH! [angrily strums a few last chords on her guitar; the customers applaud politely, and her anger vanishes] Thank you! Thanks! [joins the other five around the table]
    Ross: [to Chandler and Joey] Hey, here's a question. Where'd you guys get the "finest oak east of the Mississippi"?
    Chandler: Nuh-uh. First, you tell us where you got the prettiest lace in all the land.
  • Joey and Chandler being robbed blind because Joey was foolish enough to let himself be locked in the same cabinet in which Chandler trapped him when the unit was originally built in "TOW Frank Jr.". Chandler does not take it well when Joey reveals that getting into the cabinet was his own decision:
    [Chandler enters the apartment and throws his keys where he thinks the table is; when he hears them fall to the floor, he knows something is wrong, and looks up to see the apartment empty of everything except the entertainment unit and the ceramic dog. Even the fridge and bathroom have been emptied, and the thief has written "THANKS FOR ALL YOUR STUFF!" on the Magna Doodle]
    Chandler: OH MY GOD!
    Joey: What?
    Chandler: [hurries over to the entertainment unit] Are you all right?
    Joey: Yeah...
    Chandler: [removes the hockey stick the thief put through the handles and opens the door] What happened??
    Joey: [emerging from the cupboard] Aw, man! He promised he wouldn't take the chairs!
    Chandler: What the hell happened!? How were you locked in there? Where the hell's all of our stuff?!
    Joey: Well, this guy came by to look at the unit, and- and he said he didn't think it was big enough to fit a grown man! [shrugs]
    Chandler: [dumbfounded] So- you got in voluntarily!?
    Joey: I was trying to make a sale! Aw, man, if I ever run into that guy again, you know what I'm gonna do?
    Chandler: BEND OVER?!
  • Later, when Rachel and Phoebe are listing all the boys' stolen property:
    Rachel: Wow, they really got you guys! Your TV, the chairs...
    Phoebe: Yeah. Your microwave, your stereo...
    Joey [playing with a deck of cards] Aw man, he took the five of spades! [gets to the bottom of the deck; perks up] Oh, no no, here it is. [Chandler lies back in despair]
    Monica: [entering] Oh my God, what happened?
    Chandler: [hops to his feet] Oh. Um, Joey was born, and then 28 years later... I WAS ROBBED!
    [...]
    Ross: [entering] Hey. So, what'd the insurance company say?
    Chandler: Oh. They said, uh, "You don't have insurance here, so stop calling us."

403: TOW the Cuffs

  • Chandler handcuffed in Rachel's boss' office in his underwear. Then getting revenge by leaving her handcuffed in her underwear. One of the funniest parts is when Chandler is handcuffed to one of the drawers of the filing cabinet and he pulls it open with his arm, causing it to hit him in the head.
    Chandler: I'm gonna say this for the last time. Would you please just... [pulls drawer open and it hits him in the back of the head]

406: TOW the Dirty Girl

  • As the episode opens, Ross is at the tail end of a successful date with the very attractive Cheryl (Rebecca Romijn). The rest of the gang can't believe his luck:
    Cheryl: [standing outside Central Perk with Ross] So, thank you for the delicious dinner.
    Ross: You're welcome for a delicious dinner.
    [inside, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Monica are all watching Ross and Cheryl]
    Phoebe: Hey, what are you guys looking at?
    Chandler: Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world.
    Phoebe: [looks at Ross and Cheryl] Yeah, come to papa!
    [Cheryl leaves and Ross enters the coffee shop to be greeted by five very amazed looks]
    Ross: [proudly] I know!
    Monica: Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the ass on her?
    Chandler: Where did you- when did you- how did you- [gets a Dope Slap from Joey] How did you get a girl like that?
    Rachel: Yeah, so what is she, like a... like a spokesmodel, or an aerobics instructor, what?
    Ross: Actually, she's a palaeontology doctoral candidate, specialising in the Cenozoic era.
    Chandler: Okay, but that's, like, the easiest era.
    Ross: I've seen her at work, but I always figured, [as if to say "out of my league"] ah-huh? But, uh, I made her dinner. We had a great time. And we're going out again tomorrow.
    Rachel: Well, maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek.
    Ross: Fine by me, hope she wins.
    Joey: [to Chandler] Hey, we should have a contest. Yeah. See who can bring home the most beautiful woman.
    Chandler: That's a good idea, Joe. We could call it life. [Joey looks bewildered]
  • Monica, still between jobs and short on funds, falls headfirst into a hilarious non-sexual Double Entendre:
    Monica: [talking on the phone while exiting her bedroom] Yeah, once again, I am sorry. Thank you. Bye. [hangs up; to Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, and Chandler] I just had to turn down a job catering a funeral for sixty people.
    Rachel: [horrified] Oh my God! What happened?
    Monica: Sixty guests.
  • This episode continues the story arc of Chandler being in love with Kathy, Joey's girlfriend; her birthday is coming up, so Chandler gets her an early edition of her favourite book from childhood, The Velveteen Rabbit (for which he had to contact a couple of author Margery Williams' grandchildren). Realising it will make his crush on her embarrassingly obvious, he tries to goad Joey into buying an even better gift (Rachel pre-emptively shoots down his first idea: a coupon for an hour of "Joey love"). Unfortunately, Joey being Joey, the gift he buys is... less than impressive:
    Joey: [entering Monica and Rachel's apartment with a shopping bag, which he drops on the kitchen table] Man! It is so hard to shop for girls! [sighs, exhausted]
    Chandler: [looks at the bag] Yes it is, at Office Max!
    Rachel: What did you get her? [she is clearly dreading the answer; her dread is justified as Joey pulls a rectangular box out of the bag and opens it to reveal...]
    Chandler: A pen.
    Joey: It's two gifts in one. It's a pen... that's also a clock! [demonstrates; Rachel takes it and studies it] Uh?
    Chandler: [chuckles in disbelief] Huh-huh, you can't give her that.
    Joey: Why not?
    Chandler: Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah! [stomps off]
    Rachel: [off Joey's confused look] Okay, honey, what he means by that, is... [thinks] While this is a very nice gift, maybe it's just not something a boyfriend gives?
    Joey: Sure it is! She needs a pen for work, she's writing, she turns it over, [looks at the clock] "Whoa! It's time for my date with Joey!" [Rachel looks unconvinced]
    Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... [thinks] What did you get for Angela Delvecchio for her birthday?
    Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out.
    Chandler: For three years!?
  • Eventually, Chandler gives Joey the book to give Kathy as a birthday gift, while Joey gives Chandler the pen-clock to give her as his gift. But Kathy knows who really bought which gift:
    Kathy: Um, thank you for the gift.
    Chandler: [sheepishly] Oh, uh... yeah, I just, I just knew that sometimes when you're writing, you... you don't always know the exact time.
    Kathy: [laughs] No, I... I didn't mean the pen. Thank you for the book.
    Chandler: [feigning ignorance] Uh, the book?
    Kathy: The Velveteen Rabbit. Kinda have the feeling you had something to do with it.
    Chandler: What do you mean?
    Kathy: Well, uh, when Joey gave it to me, he said, "This is 'cause I know ya like rabbits, and I know ya like cheese."
  • As for Ross and Cheryl, they break up when he discovers her apartment is a complete pigsty, with garbage covering every surface and a rodent problem. In The Tag, Monica shows up and asks to be allowed to clean for her:
    [Cheryl's apartment; there is a knock at her door, which she opens to reveal Monica]
    Monica: Hi. Uh, you... you don't know me, I'm Monica Geller, Ross' sister.
    Cheryl: Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, that's too bad that didn't work out.
    Monica: Yeah. Anyway, he told me about your apartment. And, um, well, I-I couldn't sleep, thinking about it. So, uh... [picks up a bucket of cleaning supplies] would it be okay if I cleaned it? [Cheryl shrugs in confusion and closes the door] No? I won't be able to sleep! [but Cheryl doesn't come back; Monica looks up and down the hallway, then pulls out a sponge and starts scrubbing the door frame]

407: TOW Chandler Crosses The Line

  • Ross debuts "the Sound" he spent most of his high school and college years refining... which involves programming a keyboard to play a cacophonous mishmash of sound effects, including animal noises, breaking glass, sirens, and laser noises, over a standard 12-bar blues riff. (He has at least one other disk of sound effects that includes helicopter noises.) Rachel, Monica, and Chandler are aghast; Phoebe is enraptured and gets Ross a spot performing at Central Perk.
  • Joey's response to Chandler admitting he was "totally over the line" in becoming the other man in Joey's relationship with Kathy.
    Joey: Over the line? You... you... you're so far past the line that you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!

408: TOW Chandler in a Box

  • While Chandler spends Thanksgiving shut up in a giant box as punishment from Joey for seeing Kathy behind his back, it's revealed that Monica is dating the son of her old fling, Richard. She responds to the gang's mockery with a Continuity Cavalcade:
    Ross: ...if things ever work out with you and Richard's son, you can tell your kids that you slept with their grandfather!
    [Beat]
    Monica: Fine, judge all you want to but... [points to Ross] Married a lesbian! [at Rachel] Left a man at the altar! [at Phoebe] Fell in love with a gay ice dancer! [at Joey] Threw a girl's wooden leg into a fire! [at Chandler] Lives in a BOX!

410: TOW the Girl from Poughkeepsie

  • Rachel is talking about how she wants a relationship, even a short one. Gunther silently walks up, ready to pounce. Rachel (never noticing him) specifies that she wants a man. Gunther's face falls and he slinks away.
  • Chandler sets Rachel up with one of his coworkers but makes the mistake of telling him that Rachel just wants a fling (which she has told him is the case). This causes Rachel to chew him out when she learns of it, because by then she's started to like the guy enough that she might want more than that. Chandler's attempts to fix the situation are neither successful nor well-received:
    Rachel: Patrick just ended things with me. Did you or did you not tell him I was looking for a serious relationship?
    Chandler: (proudly) I did! I absolutely did!
    Rachel: You idiot!
    Chandler: I'm sure you're right, but why?!

411: TOW Phoebe's Uterus

  • Monica's sex lesson. Not to mention the Brick Joke at the end when Kathy runs into the kitchen, hair in disarray and shirt buttoned in the wrong holes, and starts dramatically thanking Monica.
  • Ross and Joey ending the segregation in the museum but everyone starts saying Too Much Information about themselves.
    Tour Guide: I'm Ted, I just moved here a month ago, and New York really scares me.
    Scientist: I'm Andrew, and I didn't pay for this pear!
    Tour Guide: I'm Rhonda, and these [indicates her breasts] aren't real!
    Scientist: I'm Scott. [...] I have to flip the light switch on and off 17 times or my family will die!

412: TOW the Embryos

  • The entire "Who Knows More About Whom?" game pitting Chandler and Joey against Monica and Rachel, with Ross as questionmaster and $100 on the line.
    • The main game involves each team answering ten questions from four categories: Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and It's All Relative. The game gets off to an inauspicious start with the coin toss:
      Ross: [clears the coffee table] Now. The coin toss, to see who goes first. [he tosses the coin up in the air... and all four players simply watch it land, none of them saying a word. Ross looks put upon as he picks up the coin] Okay... somebody call it this time!
    • The first round reveals that Monica detests animals dressed as people while Chandler is terrified of the way Riverdance and Lord of the Dance star Michael Flatley's legs flail about as though independent of his body. In the second round, the guys choose It's All Relative:
      Ross: [reading question] Monica and I had a grandmother who died. You both went to her funeral.note  Name that grandmother!
      Joey: [to Chandler] Nana?
      Chandler: She has a real name!
      Joey: [thinks, then points excitedly at Ross] Althea!
      Chandler: Althea!? What are you doing?!
      Joey: I took a shot!
      Chandler: You're shooting with Althea!?
      Ross: Althea is correct!
      Chandler: [in the same outraged tone of voice] Nice shooting!
      [Ross updates the score, then points at Monica and Rachel]
      Rachel: WE'LL TAKE LITERATURE!
      Ross: [reading question] Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What name appears on the address label?
      Rachel: [stands up, excited] Oh! Chandler gets it! It's "Chandler Bing"!
      Monica: [stands up, angry] NO!
      Ross: I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to "Chnandler Bong". [Joey and Chandler grin]
      Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use your head! [she and Rachel sit down again]
      Chandler: [triumphantly] Actually, it's "Miss Chnandler Bong".
    • Surprisingly, by the tenth question, it's Rachel rather than Monica who is a bundle of energy:
      Ross: [updates the scoreboard] All right. The score is 9 to 8 in favour of the guys. Ladies, if you miss this, the game is theirs. Pick your category.
      Rachel: ITSALLRELATIVE! [even Monica is shocked]
      Ross: [grimaces] You don't have to shout everything.
      Rachel: I'M SORRY!
    • As Monica correctly (and "unfortunately", according to Chandler) identifies the name of Chandler's dad's all-male Vegas burlesque as "Viva Las Gay-gas", the score finishes 9-9. Luckily, Ross reveals that he prepared a tiebreaker: "The lightning round!"
      Monica: You guys are dead! I am so good at lightning rounds!
      Chandler: [standing up and making a "No way!" gesture with his finger] I majored in lightning rounds. All right? We're gonna destroy you!
      Monica: Wanna bet?
      Chandler: [deadpan] Huh, I'm so confused as to what we've been doing so far.
      Monica: How about we play for more money? Say... a hundred and fifty?
      Ross: One hundred and fifty dollars!
      Chandler: Say... two hundred?
      Ross: Two hundred dollars!
      Monica: [glares at him] You're doing it again.
      Ross: Excuse me.
      Rachel: Monica, I don't wanna lose $200.
      Monica: We won't!
      Rachel: Okay.
      Monica: [to Chandler] Three hundred?
      Rachel: Monica!
      Monica: I'm just trying to spice it up!
      Rachel: Okay, so then play for some pepper! Stop spending my money!
    • But eventually, higher stakes are agreed: if Monica and Rachel win, Chandler and Joey have to get rid of the chicken and the duck. If Chandler and Joey win, they swap apartments with Monica and Rachel. Rachel has doubts; Monica, not so much:
      Monica: Rachel, I have not missed one question the whole game, I own this game! Look at my hand! [holds it up]
      Rachel: [studies it] Why, do you have the answers written on there?
    • Chandler and Joey go first:
      Ross: The lightning round begins [to Chandler, who is jumping up and down in anticipation] stop it... NOW. [starts timer] What was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?
      Joey: Big fat goalie! [points to Monica]
      Ross: Correct! [Monica looks sad; Rachel puts her arm around her] Rachel claims this is her favourite movie.
      Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons.
      Ross: Correct. Her actual favourite movie is...
      Joey: Weekend at Bernie's. [grins and points at Rachel, who looks embarrassed]
      Ross: Correct. In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14? [Chandler gets an excited look and whispers in Ross' ear; Ross grimaces in disgust] EW, NO! [Monica glares at Chandler] Her EAR! [Chandler and Joey shrug] All right, Monica categorises her towels. How many categories are there?
      Joey: Everyday use...
      Chandler: Fancy...
      Joey: Guest...
      Chandler: Fancy guest...
      Ross: Two seconds.
      Joey: [panics] Uh, eleven!?
      Ross: [stops timer] Eleven. Unbelievable. Eleven is correct!
      Joey, Chandler: YES!
    • And, after exchanging the series' signature PG-rated version of Flipping the Bird with each other, the two teams swap places, with Monica and Rachel needing four correct answers to tie, five correct answers to win. They get off to a promising start, but come unstuck on what seems like a simple question...
      Ross: The lightning round begins... [starts timer] NOW. What is Joey's favourite food?
      Monica: Sandwiches!
      Ross: Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast?
      Rachel: 14?
      Ross: No, 19.
      Chandler: [sarcastically] Thanks man! [Joey looks at him as if to say "19!? Really?!"]
      Ross: Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was...
      Monica: Maurice!
      Ross: Correct. His profession was...
      Rachel: Oh - space cowboy!
      Ross: Correct! [Joey grins proudly and nods until he notices Chandler glaring at him and shaking his head] What is Chandler Bing's job?
      [Monica and Rachel are both utterly silent, Joey gets excited while Chandler gets a "You seriously don't know this!?" look]
      Rachel: Oh... oh, gosh! It has something to do with numbers...note 
      Monica: And processing!
      Rachel: [stammers] He carries a briefcase!
      Ross: Ten seconds, you need this or you lose the game. [Rachel starts to panic]
      Monica: It's, uh... it has something to do with transponding...
      Rachel: OH! OH! OH! HE'S A TRANSPONST— TRANSPONSTER! [Chandler, Joey, and Monica look at her in disbelief]
      Monica: THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD! No, I can get this, I can get this...
      [Ross stops the timer and looks at them as if to say "Sorry, you lose!"]
      Rachel: Oh my God....!
      Monica: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
      Chandler and Joey: YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!note 
  • At the end of the episode, we are treated to Chandler and Joey gliding in to their new apartment triumphantly on the big white dog, followed by a five-way argument breaking out (until Phoebe reveals that she is pregnant with Frank Jr. and Alice's baby):
    Rachel: Y'know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean!
    Joey: Hey, don't get mad at us! No-one forced you to raise the stakes!
    Rachel: That is not true! [indicating Monica] She did! She forced me!
    Monica: Hey, we would still be living here if you hadn't gotten the question wrong!
    Rachel: Well it was a stupid, unfair question!
    Ross: Don't blame the questions!
    Chandler: Would you all stop yelling in our apartment!? You are ruining moving day for us!

413: TOW Rachel's Crush

  • After the apartment switch, the gang are still gravitating toward spending time in what is now Chandler and Joey's apartment, which plays havoc with Monica's insecurities. In a bid to retain her role as the group's party hostess, she bakes cookies and wafts the smell across the hall; Phoebe and Joey are the first to notice. However, in the outtakes, Matt LeBlanc couldn't resist having fun with the scene...
    Phoebe: What do I smell?
    Joey: [raises his hand sheepishly] Sorry. [the cast break character and start cracking up]
    [reset for another take]
    Phoebe: What do I smell?
    [Beat]
    David Schwimmer: [breaking character] LeBlanc. [more laughter]
  • Monica being spun around by a floor polisher.

414: TOW Joey's Dirty Day

  • Joshua invites Rachel to the opening of a nightclub in which he has invested and puts her on the VIP list; however, this invitation comes immediately after Mr. Waltham has persuaded Rachel to take his niece Emily (introduced in this episode) to a performance of Die Fledermaus. With Monica working, Phoebe suffering morning sickness (in the evening), Chandler still moping over being cheated on by Kathy, and Joey having staggeringly terrible BO after a three-day fishing trip without a shower and a fall into a tub of worms, Rachel is running out of options for someone to send to the opera in her place - until...
    Rachel: [sees Ross sitting in an armchair eating a cracker; she smiles] Hi!
    Ross: [knowing full well where this is going] Hi.
    Rachel: So...?
    Ross: [pretends to think about it for a moment] No...
    Rachel: [groans] Oh, come on!...
    [there is a knock at the door]
    Monica: [heads for the door] I think she's here.
    Rachel: No - wait, wait, wait - Ross, please.
    Ross: You want me to take some girl I've never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy. [sarcastically] Hm. Yeah, that... that is a toughie...
  • But Ross eventually agrees, although Rachel's attempt to communicate the change of plans to Emily hits a bit of a snag:
    Rachel: [as Monica opens the door to reveal a soaked Emily carrying an umbrella] Emily!
    Emily: Yes.
    Rachel: I'm Rachel Green.
    Emily: [enters the apartment, sighing with relief] Thank goodness! [shakes some of the rain out of her hair]
    Rachel: Yeah. There has been a teeny, teeny change of plans. Turns out... I'm not free tonight-
    Emily: [venomously deadpan] Really. [laughs in disbelief] Well, that's just lovely, isn't it. I must have missed your call, evne though I didn't leave the flat all day.
    Rachel: Oh, well, no, I ju-
    Emily: [shifting to just plain venomous] No no no no! That's not rude. It's perfectly in keeping with a trip where I've already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip searched at John F. Kennedy Airport. Apparently, to you people, I look like someone who's got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum!
    Monica: I, I, I think you look great.
    Emily: Good night. It was very nice to meet you all. [storms off; Ross gets a "What am I getting myself into!?" look]
    Rachel: [points in the direction in which Emily departed] I'll get her.
    Ross: [deadpan] Please hurry.
    Rachel: Okay. [does so]
    Phoebe: Don't you just love the way they talk?
  • And so Ross goes off to the opera with Emily while Rachel goes to the nightclub. Unfortunately, as she relates to Monica and Phoebe the next morning, her name was misspelled as "Rachel Greep" on the guest list, and someone else claiming to be "Rachel Greep" was allowed in instead - although she did punch a woman who tried to steal her umbrella. Phoebe's attempt to console her features a classic Cloudcuckoolander moment:
    Rachel: [sitting in one of Chandler and Joey's recliners] Ugh! I can't believe this! All I wanted was just a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so that he could go ahead and start falling in love with me. [sighs]
    Phoebe: [walks over and starts rubbing the top of Rachel's head] Aw, Pheebs...
    Rachel: [looks confused] Honey, that's your name.
    Phoebe: That's short for "Phoebe"? I thought that's just what we called each other!
  • Then the phone rings, and as Monica answers it, Rachel gets a nasty shock about how Ross' evening with Emily went...
    Monica: [listens, then turns to Phoebe, Rachel, and Chandler] He's with Emily at a bed and breakfast in Vermont!
    Phoebe: What? Oh my God!
    Rachel: What? Who the hell is Emily- [remembers and gasps] Noooo...
    [cut to commercial; cut back from commercial]
    Rachel: They're in Vermont!? How could this happen?! [flails her arms, swatting Chandler in the process]
    Chandler: [glares at Rachel] Ow.
    Rachel: How did he end up in Vermont with that awful WITCH!? [flails her arms again, hitting Chandler again]
    Chandler: Maybe she doesn't hit him all the time!
    [cut to Ross and Emily's room at the B&B in Vermont]
    Ross: [on the phone] When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who wouldn't be miserable? I'm telling you, once I got her into a dry pair of shoes, she was a totally different person!
    Emily: [racing into the room] Ross! Come quickly! There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!
    Ross: [to the phone] I gotta go! There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! [throws the phone onto the bed and rushes out with Emily; cut back to Monica and Rachel's (currently Chandler and Joey's) apartment]
    Monica: [hangs up the phone] He had to go, there was a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.
    Rachel: I don't get this, she was HORRIBLE! [flails her arms and hits Chandler yet again]
    Chandler: Okay, I'm gonna go stand over there. [points, then walks in the direction in which he was pointing]
  • Chandler struggles to get over his break-up with Kathy and finally progresses from Phase One (sitting around the apartment in his sweat pants feeling sorry for himself) to Phase Two (which involves going to a strip club), but neither Ross nor Joey are around, so the girls take him instead to help him get to Phase Three (imagining himself with other women). It's a miserable experience for Chandler.
    Chandler: Y'know what? I think I'm just gonna go home and call Kathy.
    Phoebe: Well, if you think it will help.
    Chandler: No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I'm gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy, and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I'm gonna get so drunk, I'm gonna wanna call Janice.
    Phoebe: You should! How is she?
    [Chandler groans in frustration]note 
  • By the end of the day, Monica has succeeded in convincing a stripper Chandler rates as one of the club's hottest to quit her job and become a teacher, and Chandler is in a bigger funk than ever. Just as he's about to regress to putting his sweats back on, the girls talk about which strippers they'd date if they were gay. Chandler's interest is piqued and escalates the more they talk, until he finally reaches Phase Three.
    Chandler: I am totally picturing you with all those women!
    Monica: That's-that's not Phase Three.
    Chandler: Well, I'm there, too!
    Rachel: Well, are we all together? Like in a group?
    Chandler: Stop it! You're killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four!
    Phoebe: Oh! What is that? What is that?
    Chandler: Where I don't want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!

415: TOW All the Rugby

  • Monica is being driven up the wall by a light switch in Chandler and Joey's apartment (which is still her and Rachel's apartment at this point) that doesn't seem to do anything. At one point, she turns off the switch, identifies four dead outlets, and plugs noise-making appliances into each one. When she flips the switch, Joey can't resist Trolling her:
    Monica: This switch thing has been driving me crazy! So, I turned it off and checked every outlet. Now, four of them don’t work, which means one of them has to be controlled by the switch. So, I plugged in things in all four of the outlets that, that make noise, so that way, when I turn it on, I just follow the noise... and find out which one it is! [smiles proudly]
    Joey: [to Rachel] I bet I stopped listening before you did.
    Rachel: Y'know, you, you also could've used, uh, lamps and then followed the light.
    Monica: [in a "Where were you and that idea fifteen minutes ago!?" tone of voice] Yeah, well, I'm using noise. [Rachel shrugs] Okay. All right! So, is everybody ready? Here we go! [she flips the switch, and something starts humming] I hear something... I hear something, where is it? [starts running around the apartment trying to find the noise; Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey look around as well... until Rachel realises Joey is the one humming. He feigns innocence]
    Rachel: It's coming from Joey! [Monica gives Joey a Disapproving Look as he continues humming]
    Phoebe: Oh my God, that's so freaky, turn him off!
  • Later in the episode, Rachel enters the apartment to find Monica reading on the sofa and a peculiar number of pictures drawn on loose leaf paper and coloured with felt tip pens surrounding the door. Monica claims she thought they'd brighten up the place; an immediately suspicious Rachel starts tearing down the pictures to reveal giant holes in the plaster. For extra laughs, look at the title of the book Monica is reading when Rachel returns: Like a Hole in the Head by Jen Banbury.
    Rachel: [pulling down a picture to reveal another hole] Oh my God! Look at this!
    Monica: Okay, but there is a wire back there! I mean, that switch is connected to something!
    Rachel: I don't care! The wires have come loose in your head!
    Monica: I just thought that if I could follow the wire I could find out what it did.
    Rachel: And did you?!
    Monica: No. It disappears back there behind that baseboard. For a minute there, I thought it went downstairs. [Rachel notices an unfolded newspaper on the floor; she picks it up and gasps at the revelation of yet another hole] But it didn't. Say hello to Mrs. Katrakis.
    Rachel: Oh my God...
    Mrs. Katrakis: [from downstairs] Hello darling!
    Rachel: Hello, Mrs. Katrakis!
    Monica: Hey, Mrs. Katrakis, do you know Kenny? [points to the ceiling]
    Rachel: You have got to be kid- [looks up] WOW! [jumps back and screams]
  • Chandler crosses paths with Janice again and can't stand all of her annoying habits anymore. Rather than just say he doesn't want to get back together, he lies about his company transferring him to Yemen soon. It gets harder and harder to maintain this story, as Janice helps him pack and goes with him to the airport, insisting on staying until the plane pulls away from the gate.note  Ultimately, admitting the truth just isn't an option.
    Chandler: [boarding a plane to the Middle East] I'm going to Yemen! [to a fellow passenger] When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?
  • As for the subplot that gives the episode its name, Ross and Emily run into two of Emily's friends from England, both of them burly rugby players, so Ross talks his way into playing a game with them. Rachel, inevitably, is unsupportive of the idea; Joey is dubious but ultimately sides with Ross - at someone else's expense:
    Joey: All right, come on, look, Ross can take care of himself! It's not like he's... Chandler!
    Chandler: [from his bedroom, sarcastically] Thanks!

417: TOW the Free Porn

  • This episode sees Phoebe discovering that she is going to have triplets - which poses a financial conundrum considering that Alice is a home economics teacher in the public school system and Frank Jr. has just started studying to become a refrigerator repairman. So Phoebe presents a money-making idea to Monica, Rachel, Chandler, and Joey by producing a large case containing serrated knives and an empty Fresca can:
    Phoebe: Now, don't you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? [effortlessly slices the can in two with one motion of the knife and shows off the two pieces] Haaa! [puts the pieces down and picks up the knife] Now. I know what you're thinking!
    Chandler: "Pregnant Woman Slays Four"?
  • Joey and Chandler find that they've somehow gotten access to a porn channel they're not paying for. The super says this happened to him once, but he turned off the TV only to find he couldn't get it again. So the entire episode, they keep the porn playing in their apartment. Which finally leads to this exchange during the credits:
    Chandler: [walks in] Hey.
    Joey: Hey.
    Chandler: I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault.
    Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me. Woman pizza delivery guy comes over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves.
    Chandler: What? No, like, "Nice apartment, bet the bedrooms are huge"?
    Joey: No, nothing.

418: TOW Rachel's New Dress

  • Phoebe is given the honor of naming one of the triplets she's carrying, and Joey and Chandler each try to convince her to name it after them. Joey runs down Chandler's name, saying it's not even a real name. Chandler realizes Joey is right, and decides to choose another name. Eventually, Phoebe brings him around, saying she's going to name the baby Chandler, but he has to keep the name. She leaves, and Chandler starts cackling evilly while pointing at Joey, whose reaction is priceless.

419: TOW All the Haste

  • The Book Ends. At the beginning, there is a singing man in the apartment across the street from Rachel's bedroom who sings in the morning to start the day, which greatly annoys her. At the end of the episode, after Joey and Chandler return to the apartment, Joey is woken up by the same guy, but sings along with him.

420: TOW the Wedding Dresses

  • Joey has developed a particularly loud snoring problem, and Chandler tries to persuade him to seek treatment at a sleep clinic. Monica recalls that she once dated a light sleeper who would roll her over if she snored in the night. So Chandler tries this the next time Joey starts snoring... only to discover something else about Joey's sleep habits:
    Chandler: [entering a snoring Joey's bedroom] All right, buddy. Time to roll over. [he grabs Joey's shoulder and forearm and rolls him onto his back... and jumps back in horror] NO NO! NO NO N-N-N-N-NO! [covers his eyes and turns away from Joey; after taking a moment to re-centre himself, he points at Joey, hands still over his eyes] You are going to a clinic! You're going to a clinic... and a pyjama store!
  • At the clinic, Joey is the worse for wear after having to stay up all night in preparation for the study. Then an attractive female patient sits down near him and Chandler:
    Chandler: [waking Joey, who has dozed off] Hey, check out that girl! She is really hot!
    Joey: [half-asleep] Yeah, she is. Wow... [goes back to fully asleep] How you doin'?... You're lookin' good!... [the other people in the waiting room give him perturbed looks; Chandler slaps his shoulder to wake him up again] WHAT!?
    Chandler: You're coming on to the entire room!
  • Every scene involving wedding gowns. Culminating in Rachel, Monica and Phoebe sitting in a couch, drinking beer in bridal wear.
    Phoebe: At least you didn't get yours from a store called "It's Not Too Late".

422: TOW the Worst Best Man Ever

  • An argument about who gets to be Ross's best man turns into an argument about who gets to be Chandler's best man:
    Chandler: I'm not even getting married! This is a question for science fiction writers!
  • One of Phoebe's babies is kicking:
    Monica: Isn't that a good thing?
    Phoebe: Not me; it's kicking one of the other babies! [yells down her shirt front] Don't make me come in there!
  • Chandler doesn't know Gunther's last name and guesses that it's "Centralperk". Later when they suspect a stripper of stealing the wedding ring and need a fake name to give her to question her, he says his name is "Gunther Centralperk".
  • Chandler tells Ross to be cool about the theft of the ring, and naturally Ross loudly demands to know where his grandmother's wedding ring is. Joey appears to be doubled over behind Ross's back. This is because Matt LeBlanc is laughing at David Schwimmer's frenzied delivery of the lines.

423-24: TOW Ross's Wedding

  • The heavily-pregnant Phoebe, trying desperately to stop Rachel from going to London, realizes that she can't actually physically do anything as Rachel runs out the door:
    "Like I can really chase you; I'm carrying a litter!"
  • Perhaps the funniest Bedmate Reveal in the entire series:
    Ross: [bursting into Chandler's hotel room, deliriously excited] I'M GETTING MARRIED TODAY! WOOO!
    Chandler: [deadpan] Morning, Ross.
    Ross: I'M GETTING MARRIED TO-DAY!
    Chandler: Yeah, y'are!
    Ross: AH-WOOHOO! [leaves and closes the door after him]
    Monica: [appearing from under the covers next to Chandler] You think he knew I was here?
  • Hugh Laurie's guest appearance. After being an unwilling audience to Rachel's explanation of why she is flying to London, he delivers a "The Reason You Suck" Speech to which Rachel doesn't have much of a counterargument, then rubs salt in the wound...
    Rachel: [talking to the passenger across the aisle, who has a copy of Jen Banbury's Like a Hole in the Head and looks as though he is mentally comparing listening to Rachel's story to just that]note  So then I realise, all the stuff that I have been doing - proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about why I couldn't come to the wedding - was all just a way of-
    Man by the window: [snaps and removes his headphones] Oh, oh, oh, OH! I'm sorry, can I interrupt? Yeah, I just want to say that you... are a horrible, horrible person!
    Rachel: [taken aback] P- pardon me?
    Man by the window: You say you love this man, and yet you're about to ruin the happiest day of his life! I'm afraid I have to agree with your friend "Pheebs". This is a, this is a terrible, terrible plan.
    Rachel: But he has to know how I feel!
    Man by the window: But why? He loves this, this Emily person! No good can come of this.
    Rachel: [scoffs] Well, I-I think you're wrong!
    Man by the window: Oh no! [bites hand]
    Rachel: [scoffs again] Well, he doesn't really love her, I mean, it's just a rebound thing from me! [points at him] You'll see!
    Man by the window: Fortunately, I won't. [goes to replace his headphones, then removes them again] And by the way, it seems to be perfectly clear that you were on a break! [replaces his headphones]
    Rachel: [gasps in shock]

     Season 5 
501: TO After Ross Says Rachel
  • Once the ceremony is (awkwardly) concluded and Ross and Emily walk back down the aisle:
    Joey: Well, that went well. Yeah.
    Chandler: (shrugs) It could’ve been worse, he could've shot her.
  • Phoebe, who heard the whole altar debacle over the phone, calls Emily's stepmother in a half-baked attempt at damage control:
    Phoebe: Hello, this is Ross Geller's personal physician, Doctor...Phalange. I've discovered that Ross forgot to take his brain medicine. And without it in the brain of Ross, women's names are interchangeable through no fault of his own.
    Mrs. Waltham: Oh my God, Phoebe.
    Phoebe: ...No, not Phoebe, Doctor Phalange. Oh no, you have it too!
  • Chandler and Monica are about to have sex in the plane bathroom. Monica's already there and Chandler's about to follow when Joey shows up and talks his ear off about how he thinks the giant from My Giant is more talented and taller than him.

502: TOW All the Kissing

  • In The Teaser, Monica ducking under the water to stop Joey from discovering her having a bath with Chandler.
    Chandler: [off Joey's reaction to the sight of him seemingly alone in a candlelit bubble bath with a glass of wine] I've had a long, hard day.
  • When Joey leaves and Monica pops back up, Chandler apologizes and tells her that Joey offered chicken...which Monica kinda wants, so Chandler calls him back as Monica hides again and places an order, with her doing something under the water to make him change the order for a Coke to a Diet Coke.
  • As Chandler gets up to leave for work after Rachel returns from Greece, he reflexively kisses Monica goodbye - in front of Rachel and Phoebe. He tries to cover his mistake by kissing them goodbye as well, and repeats this several times during the episode.
    Joey: What the hell was that!?
    Monica: Probably some... y'know, European goodbye thing he picked up in London, I... [shrugs]
    Rachel: [scoffs] That's not European!
    Phoebe: It felt French.

503: The One Hundredth

  • Joey proves that he can make any sentence sound dirty. Case in point: "Grandma's Chicken Salad."
  • Joey's doctor explains that his kidney stones are in a position that means the only options are for him to pass them on his own or they could try going up the urethra to remove them, a suggestion Joey does not take well.
    Joey: Woah-oh. No-no-no-no-no, nothing is going up! Okay? "Up"..."up" is not an option - what's a urethra?
    (Monica whispers an explanation that makes Joey's eyes go very wide)
    Joey: (to the doctor) ARE YOU CRAZY?!
  • Rachel tries to set herself and Monica up with two male nurses at the hospital at which Phoebe is having the triplets. Chandler's jealous reaction comes perilously close to sinking his relationship with Monica, but he finally talks his way back into her good graces, and she goes to cancel her date with the nurse. Chandler breaks into a happy dance...
    Monica: [without even turning around] Don't do the dance.
    Chandler: Right. [stops dancing]

504: TOW Phoebe Hates PBS

  • In The Teaser, Monica and Chandler come perilously close to having their relationship become "public knowledge", requiring some fast - and not especially convincing - thinking from both of them:
    [Rachel, having just returned home, sorts through the mail, finds something addressed to Monica, and heads over to knock on her bedroom door]
    Monica: [seductively] Come in... I've been waiting for you...
    Rachel: [looks confused, but shrugs it off and heads into Monica's bedroom] Hi, I just wa- AHHHH! OH MY GOD! [runs back out again, covering her mouth] Oh my God! Monica! Oh my God! Oh, God...
    Monica: [racing out of her room, hastily fastening a bathrobe] I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I-I was, um, I was taking a nap!
    Rachel: Wha...? Since when do you take naps in that position!? [Monica looks embarrassed] Oh, God, Monica, please tell me you were waiting for a guy, please tell me you were waiting for a guy!
    Monica: [grabbing onto this explanation] Yes! Yes I was! A guy! From work! [smiles] I'm seeing a guy from work! HA!
    Rachel: [gasps] That cute waiter guy from your restaurant! The one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta!
    Monica: [points at Rachel] Uh-huh! That one!
    Rachel: Y'know what? Just give me a second, I'll be out of your hair, I'm just gonna grab a jacket, [does so and starts putting it on] when I get back... I want every little detail. [Monica grins and points at her... only for her grin to vanish when someone knocks on the door] Maybe that's him...
    Monica: [flustered] Okay, um... okay... um... [Rachel opens the door, and in walk...] It's just Joey and Ross. [smiles with relief]
    Rachel: Why aren't you guys at the movie?
    Joey: [edgily, grabbing a beer from the fridge] Well, we were, but Ross was talking so loud on his phone, they threw us out!
    Ross: [covers the mic on his phone] I had to talk loud because the movie was loud! [storms off]
    Joey: He's talking to London.
    Monica: Oh my God! Did he get in touch with Emily?
    Joey: Well... no, not yet, he's calling everyone on her side of the family hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her.
    Ross: [into phone] I-I-I don't care if I said some other girl's name, you prissy old twit!
    Joey: Ross! [gives him a sarcastic thumbs up] Way to suck up to the family.
    [Chandler enters, tossing a bottle of champagne end over end and chuckling with anticipation... and very quickly shifting gears to discomfort when he sees Rachel, Joey, and Ross there as well. Monica looks embarrassed while the other three look bewildered]
    Chandler: I'm so glad you guys are all here, my office finally got wrinkle-free fax paper!
  • Once Ross finally gets estranged wife Emily on the phone, he gets so excited that he shushes everyone and then hands Chandler a lamp for no reason at all. It's random and hilarious - and unscripted. David Schwimmer randomly picked up and handed off the lamp, and the look of confusion on Matthew Perry's face is genuine as he had no idea it was going to happen.

505: TOW the Kips

  • When Joey almost walks in on a tryst between Monica and Chandler in the middle of the night, they succeed in convincing him that it's 9AM when it's really 3 - Joey apparently has never been awake at 9. Even funnier: he goes into the bathroom to clean his teeth; seconds later, Chandler opens the bathroom door to reveal Joey, sitting on the toilet with his toothbrush in his mouth, fast asleep.
  • Rachel doesn't take it well when Ross reveals that Emily will only offer him a way back into her good graces if he agrees never to see Rachel again - but chooses a rather tactless way to express this:
    Rachel: Ugh. You know, it was just a matter of time before someone had to leave the group. I just always assumed Phoebe would be the one to go.
    Phoebe: [offended] Ahh!?
    Rachel: Honey, come on! You live far away, you're not related, you lift right out!
  • Rachel later patches things up with Phoebe and suggests the two of them break away and form their own social group (Phoebe asks if they can bring Joey as well, thus leaving Chandler and the Gellers on their own). Then Ross arrives as Phoebe leaves:
    Phoebe: Bye, Ross! (whispers) Forever.
  • Joey of all people is the first to figure out that Monica and Chandler are dating; his reaction is priceless.
    Joey: How?! When?!
    Chandler: It happened in London.
    Joey: IN LONDON?!

506: TOW the Yeti

  • When Emily calls Ross and everyone says hi, she asks who's there (obviously fishing to see if Rachel is there).
    Emily: Hello everyone! So who am I saying hello to?
    Joey: Well uh, I don't know about who's here, but I can tell you for damn sure who's not here and that's Rachel!
  • And later, when Ross decides he can't keep up the charade and reveals that Rachel is in fact there, Chandler tries to act like they just didn't see her.
    Emily: She's there?!
    Chandler: Oh yeah, there-there she is!

508: TOW the Thanksgiving Flashbacks

  • On Thanksgiving in 1992, Joey puts Monica's turkey on his head to scare Chandler and then can't remove it.
    • Matt LeBlanc's mournful delivery of "It's Joey!" is made even better by it being muffled from the turkey.
    • When he, Monica, and Phoebe spend a few seconds brainstorming for ways to remove the turkey, Joey holds his hand to his chin - or, rather, the turkey's backside - in a thoughtful pose.
    • "I'm gonna spread the legs as wide as I can!"
  • Chandler finds out Monica trying to get revenge on him for calling her fat on Thanksgiving in 1987 is the reason he lost his toe on Thanksgiving in 1988.
    Chandler: That's why for an entire year people called me "Sir Limps-A-Lot"!?
    [...]
    Ross: [grinning] "Sir Limps-A-Lot". I came up with that.
    Joey: You're a dork.

509: TOW Ross' Sandwich

  • Ross, already struggling with anger issues after the Thanksgiving leftover sandwich Monica made for him was stolen from the museum employees' fridge (a struggle "helped" by a threatening note Phoebe wrote for him to stop the replacement sandwich from being stolen), does not take it well when his boss reveals that he ate the sandwich - well, sort of, he actually threw most of it away...
    Dr. Ledbetter: [chuckles] Oh, you know what? I, I'm sorry, I... I, I believe I ate that.
    Ross: [long pause] You ate my sandwich?
    Dr. Ledbetter: It was a simple mistake, it could happen to anyone.
    Ross: [his Tranquil Fury gradually becoming less tranquil] Oh, rea-really? Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich with a Moistmaker?note 
    Dr. Ledbetter: No, I-
    Ross: Do you perhaps remember seeing a note on top of it?
    Dr. Ledbetter: There may have been a, a, a joke or... limerick of some kind...
    Ross: That said it was MY sandwich!
    Dr. Ledbetter: Now- now calm down... come look in my office, uh, some of it may still be in the trash.
    Ross: [stands up, struggling mightily to keep his composure] What?
    Dr. Ledbetter: [also standing up] Well, it was quite large, I... [stammers] I had to throw most of it away!
    Ross: You - you - you - you threw my sandwich away!? [exterior shot of the museum] My sandwich!? [shot of a flock of pigeons in Central Park] MY SANDWICH?! [the pigeons scatter]
  • This exchange, after Ross has been given a tranquilizer:
    [Ross enters Central Perk, eating a large wad of cotton candy; Chandler and Monica are on the sofa]
    Chandler: Ross?...
    Ross: [sees Chandler and grins ear to ear] Hey Chandler! [his grin fades as he turns to look at...] Monica...
    Monica: Ross, are you okay?
    Ross: I'm fine! I saw a psychiatrist at work today.
    Monica: Why?
    Ross: On account of my rage.
    Chandler: Which, if I may say, right now is out of control.
    Ross: [giggling] He gave me a pill for it!
    Monica: A pill.
    Ross: Uh-huh! Well, when the psychiatrist told me I had to take a leave of absence because I yelled at my boss, I started to get worked up again. [takes a deep breath] So he offered me a tranquilizer! And I thought it was a good idea... so I took it!
    Monica: Wait a minute... they're making you take time off work?
    Chandler: And you're okay with that?
    Ross: [grins and shrugs] I dunno! [thinks] It's gonna be weird not having a job for a while, but I... I definitely don't care about my sandwich! [starts giggling again]
    Chandler: Yeah, y'know, I hate it when they make me see the shrink at my office. You know, he's always like "Oh, maybe your colleagues will like you better if you like yourself better". Who needs that?
    Monica: You do.
    Chandler: I know!
  • In the Phoebe/Rachel subplot, Phoebe registers for an English literature evening class, and Rachel decides to join her, but her claim to have read Wuthering Heights in high school turns out to be a lie. So she asks Phoebe what it's about, and Phoebe gives her the classic high school English "moors = mirror of Heathcliff's personality" simile... which Rachel then regurgitates after the teacher asks the class about the themes of the book, leaving Phoebe with nothing to present. Fast forward to the next class, and Rachel once again skips reading Jane Eyre (she reads an issue of Vogue instead), so Phoebe Trolls Rachel by telling her Jane Eyre is a cyborg...
    Rachel: Ugh! That was so embarrassing! I can't believe you let me go on and on like that!
    Phoebe: [smirking] I'm sorry. It was just so funny when you started comparing Jane Eyre to Robocop.
  • Rachel finding a naked picture of Monica meant for Chandler but blamed on Joey. Hell, the entire scene is one.
    Rachel: He has naked pictures of us, then he eats chicken, and then he looks at them!

510: TOW the Inappropriate Sister

  • From The Teaser, Ross is bored out of his mind while out of work, having been to the bank, the post office, and the dry cleaners, then re-organising the fridge to put meat and dairy on the bottom shelf (contents: zero), fruits and vegetables on the middle shelf (contents: a single tomato), and expired products on the top shelf (contents: everything else). Joey tells him he needs to pace himself, and demonstrates by prank-calling Chandler at work:
    Chandler: Hello, Chandler Bing?
    Joey: [falsetto] Hello, Mr. Bing. I love you.
    Chandler: Look, whoever this is, stop calling. It's been six months, it's not funny!
    Joey: I can see you, Mr. Bing. You look sexy in your new suit.
    Chandler: LEAVE ME ALONE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LEAVE ME ALONE! [hangs up]
    Joey: [To Ross] And that's Wednesday! [leans back in his recliner and gives a satisfied sigh]
  • The episode's A plot is set in motion when Monica finally loses patience with Rachel's "plan" to lure Danny, introduced in "TOW the Yeti", into going out with her.
    Rachel: [as Danny enters Central Perk] Oh my God. Okay, you guys, here's Danny, watch. Just watch this. [Danny crosses to the counter and orders a cup of coffee to go] See? Still pretending he's not interested. [Ross and Joey share a confused look; Danny crosses back with his coffee] Okay, he's coming over. Just pretend like we don't know him - we've forgotten who he is.
    Danny: Hey guys!
    Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, Ross: Hey Danny.
    Rachel: [glares at the other five, but avoids making eye contact with Danny for a few seconds, then...] Oh Danny! Hey!
    Monica: [puts a hand to her forehead] Danny? You know Rachel. You know, she's nice, she's not bad to look at, right?
    Rachel: [deadpan] Thanks, Mon.
    Danny: Of- of course!
    Monica: Do you wanna go out on a date with her?
    Rachel: Monica!
    Danny: Ab- absolutely! Is Friday okay? [Rachel mutters to herself]
    Monica: Friday is perfect, she can't wait.
    Danny: On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly, right? All right, see you Friday! [leaves]
    Rachel: Okay - what the hell was that? You know what - don't answer me. [giddily] I have a date with Danny! HA!
  • Phoebe is one of the bell-ringers at a Salvation Army Christmas donation spot, but people also give her trash and one person sets the charity on fire by tossing in a cigarette. She grabs a passer-by's coffee cup and tosses the contents in, lighting the whole thing further ablaze:
    Phoebe: What's in this? [sniffs the cup] ...It's nine o'clock in the morning!
  • The episode's title refers to the gang noticing Danny and his sister Krista are a little too close.
    • It starts with Rachel returning to her and Monica's apartment after seeing Danny with his arm around Krista (whom Rachel does not know is Danny's sister) as they board the subway together. Monica assures Rachel that after their date, Danny will forget all about the "stupid subway girl". The funniest part of the scene comes after Rachel heads into her bedroom - and Monica quickly ushers a half-dressed Chandler out of her own bedroom and through the front door... after which he immediately returns for just long enough to kiss her goodbye.
    • Rachel is introduced to Krista when she and Danny return to his apartment from their date, and she is more than a little put off by behaviour she later describes to Monica and Ross as "wrestley". The Geller siblings note that they wrestled when they were younger (Monica boasts that she was undefeated; Ross points out that she weighed 200 pounds), but not anymore - not, Ross claims, since he got too strong for Monica. Inevitably, they decide to get into a bout of wrestling right then and there, and as they begin grappling with each other, a deadpan Rachel thanks them for their help.
    • Monica and Chandler join Rachel in finding Danny and Krista's relationship bordering on incestuous after a gathering at Central Perk during which Krista feeds Danny cake off her finger and then wipes icing off his crotch after it falls off mid-bite (Chandler almost squirming out of his chair as he watches the latter is especially hilarious); Joey, true to form, is a few steps behind the others:
      Chandler: [after Danny and Krista have departed] Oh my God!
      Monica: That was unbelievable.
      Rachel: Okay, see? I told you!
      Joey: Yeah, wow, sorry Rach.
      Chandler: I don't believe they're brother and sister!
      Joey: [flabbergasted; points toward the door] They're brother and sister!?
      Chandler: [spends a few seconds visibly wondering how Joey can be so clueless, then turns to Rachel] So I guess you're gonna have to cancel your date.
      Monica: And call their mother!

511: TOW All the Resolutions

  • The Teaser finds the gang watching the Times Square ball drop on TV at midnight on New Year's Eve, with Chandler and Monica dejected that they can't kiss at midnight without raising eyebrows they'd rather not raise. Joey, at this point still the only one to know about their relationship, puts on an uncharacteristic display of quick thinking to dilute the effect. The funniest parts are Ross and Rachel's identical reactions to the same logic in different contexts and Phoebe's reaction to Joey subtly reeling her into the plan:
    Ross: [hopping up and down] 33! 32! 31!
    Joey: Ross, Ross, Ross! [Ross stops hopping] Ross, listen! Who are you kissin' at midnight, huh? Rachel or Phoebe?
    Ross: What?
    Joey: Well, you gotta kiss someone! Can't kiss your sister!
    Ross: Well, who's gonna kiss my sister?
    Joey: Chandler!
    Ross: [grimaces] Aw, man, really?
    Joey: Dude, dude, who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or Chandler?
    Ross: That's a good point. Well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe.
    Joey: Okay, great! [walks over to Phoebe] Pheebs! Pheebs! Listen, Ross wants to kiss you at midnight!
    Phoebe: [rolls eyes] It's so obvious, why doesn't he just ask? [smiles and heads over to Ross]
    Joey: [gives Chandler and Monica a thumbs up and turns to see Rachel walking away from the fridge] Rach! Rach! Listen, I'm gonna kiss you at midnight.
    Rachel: What?
    Joey: Well, everyone's gotta kiss someone. Can't kiss Ross, you got the history.
    Rachel: So?
    Joey: So, who would you rather have kissing you, me or Chandler?
    Rachel: Oh, good point. [nods]
    Partygoers: THREE! TWO! ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR! [a cacophony of noisemakers goes off as Joey and Rachel kiss, Ross and Phoebe kiss, and Chandler and Monica kiss - a bit more passionately and for a bit longer than the other two pairs, but not enough to attract attention]
    Chandler: Happy New Year.
    Monica: Happy New Year.
    Ross: Happy New Year, Pheebs.
    Phoebe: You too!
    Rachel: Happy New Year, Joey!
    Joey: ... so, that do anything for you? [Rachel looks perturbed]
  • Then there are the actual resolutions. They range from the mundane - Monica's is to take more photographs of the gang - to the bizarre - Phoebe's is to pilot a commercial jet - to, well...
    • Joey's resolution is to learn how to play guitar, since he lists that on his resumé. Phoebe offers to teach him, but her teaching methods are unorthodox, to say the least; she won't let him actually hold a guitar for the first few lessons, and since she has no background in music theory, she refers to the chords by nicknames instead of note names. Then she discovers that Joey has been finding ways around the limits of her instruction:
      Phoebe: Tiger. [Joey moves his hand into what Phoebe has told him is the configuration for a guitar chord] Dragon. [Joey shifts his fingers] Iceberg! [Joey shifts his fingers again; Phoebe despairs] Joseph, did you even study at all last night?
      Joey: Yes, yes I did!
      Phoebe: Then do Iceberg!
      Joey: [to himself] G-sharp... [moves his fingers into position]
      Phoebe: [incensed] G... sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords? [Joey doesn't answer] Have you!? [Joey looks guilty] Oh my God...
      Joey: What?! I, I didn't touch a guitar!
      Phoebe: No, but you're questioning my method!
      Joey: No, I'm not questioning it, Phoebe, I'm sayin' it's stupid! [notices Monica standing between him and Phoebe, smiling] What? [the timer on Monica's camera goes off]
      Monica: Thank you! [goes to her bedroom]
      Phoebe: You know, none of my other... student... thought I was stupid!
      Joey: [leafing through the Yellow Pages] Your other student was YOU!
      Phoebe: Yeah - well - y'know, maybe you just need to try a little harder!
      Joey: And maybe I need to try a real teacher! Right here, here! [shows Phoebe an entry in the Yellow Pages] Andy Cooper! He teaches guitar! And look, ooh, there's a nice picture of him with a little kid, yeah, and the kid's got a guitar!
      Phoebe: [as Joey storms back to his and Chandler's apartment] FINE! You go and learn from your... qualified instructor! But don't come crying to me when everyone is sick and tired of hearing you play "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown"!
      Rachel: [entering, singing] "Baddest man in the whole damn town..."
      Phoebe: Oh, fine, take his side! [leaves, slamming the door behind her and leaving Rachel thoroughly confused]
    • Rachel's resolution is to gossip less - so naturally, this is the episode in which she learns of Chandler and Monica's relationship. She is desperate to tell someone, and settles on Joey, but he is already sick of keeping secrets (unaware that it's the same secret he's already keeping) and covers his ears and closes his eyes while singing tunelessly at the top of his lungs. Rachel gives up and leaves, then Chandler enters, sees Joey, and grins as he gets an idea. He picks up the chicken, which starts flapping its wings in protest, and holds it right in front of Joey's face. Joey opens his eyes... and screams.
    • Ross' resolution is to try something new every day. He starts by asking out fellow Central Perk customer Elizabeth Hornswoggle, and the next day he buys a pair of skintight leather pants... which contract while he is wearing them on his date at Elizabeth's, forcing him to go into the bathroom and pull them down to his knees to cool off his legs. But then he can't pull them up again, and he calls Joey in a panic; Joey suggests talcum powder and moisturising lotion, but they combine to cover his legs in a white paste. Finally, Elizabeth gets concerned over the length of time Ross has spent in the bathroom, so he emerges, his legs still covered in paste and his pants crumpled into a ball and held over his crotch:
      Elizabeth: ... oh my God!
      Ross: [sheepishly] I had a problem.
    • Finally, Chandler's resolution is to stop making fun of his friends. Ross wagers him $50 that he can't last a week, and in The Tag, Chandler gives in:
      Chandler: [entering Central Perk to find Ross, Monica, and Phoebe sat around the table] Oh good. Okay, look, I can't take it anymore, I can't take it anymore, so you win, okay? Here. [hands Ross $50] Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so you can get back to your home... planet! [Phoebe looks unamused] And Ross, phone call for you today, Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! [Ross looks embarrassed] And "Hornswoggle"!? What, are you dating a character from Fraggle Rock? [he lets out a long, loud sigh of relief; Monica takes a picture of him]

512: TOW Chandler's Work Laugh

  • Ross finds the other five already in Central Perk and orders a scone from Gunther, then tells the rest of the group that someone he knows is getting married, and weddings are happy, right? Oh, and "by the by", the person getting married is his now ex-wife Emily. When Gunther gives him the scone, he passes the plate to Rachel, puts the scone on the table...
    Ross: [pounding the scone with his fist on each word] STUPID - BRITISH - SNACK - FOOD!
    Chandler: Did they teach you that in your anger management class?
    [...]
    Joey: [looks at the flattened scone] Anybody gonna eat that?
  • The episode's A plot sees Monica and Chandler relishing not having to hide their status as a couple at social events thrown by Chandler's employers, until Monica discovers that Chandler has an irritating nasal fake laugh that he trots out for his boss Doug's bad jokes. Chandler tells her that she'll need a fake laugh of her own to get through the office party, so she develops one that must be heard to be believed; comparisons to barking seals are not unmerited. She trots it out again when Rachel asks if there is anything going on between her and Chandler.
  • Phoebe tries to mediate an argument between the duck and the chicken, which has unintended consequences for Ross' communication with Emily:
    Phoebe: [the duck quacks] Okay, then what happened? [the duck flaps its wings; Phoebe gasps] Oh! Uh-huh, uh-huh... [the chicken clucks] Uhh- you'll get your turn!
    Ross: [enters, dejected] Hey Pheebs, what's goin' on?
    Phoebe: Nothing! [picks up the chicken] This is not over. [sets the chicken down on the floor]
    Ross: [grabs a piece of paper from the counter where the chicken was sitting] No, no, no!...
    Phoebe: What?
    Ross: Ugh! I was up all night writing this really nasty letter to Emily, it was perfect, and now it's all covered in, in... [the duck quacks] Actually, thanks! [smiles]
  • As if two people with Annoying Laughs in one episode isn't enough, Ross gets so angry about Emily getting married to someone else that he wanders off and ends up hooking up with Janice.
    Janice: Okay, okay, I know what you all are thinking, but Chandler is in Yemen! I'm a young woman. I have needs. I can't wait forever.
  • When Joey and the others question him about what he's done, Ross says he and Janice actually have a lot in common.
    Phoebe: So, are you actually gonna see her again?
    Joey: Phoebe, don't put ideas in his head.
    Ross: I am gonna see her again.
    Joey: Dammit, Phoebe!
  • Janice breaks up with Ross because he keeps complaining about the various problems he's endured this season. The idea that he's become so whiny that Janice can't stand to be around him is a wake-up call for him.

513: TOW Joey's Bag

  • Joey starts wearing a bag around to try and improve his credibility as an actor. Chandler and Ross make much with the fun, until eventually Chandler runs out of ways to imply Joey's a woman, and just runs with.
    Rachel: That bag is definitely going to get you the part.
    Chandler: And a date with a man!
  • The subplot about Chandler lying to Monica about her terrible massages.
    • He didn't want to hurt her feelings, but when he finally tells her the truth, she starts crying.
      Chandler: Okay, but now see, you're crying.
      Monica: I'm not crying about that. I'm crying about something that happened at work.
      Chandler: What?
      Monica: My boyfriend said he didn't like my massages!
      Chandler: It's okay. You don't have to be the best at everything.
      Monica: OH MY GOD, YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL!
    • The way Chandler gets out of this is pretty good, too: telling Monica she gives the best bad massage.

514: TOW Everybody Finds Out

  • Phoebe's amazingly shocked/Squicked reaction to seeing Monica and Chandler having sex. She starts yelling "Chandler and Monica! CHANDLER AND MONICA!" (along with Rachel going "Oh my God!") and then she eventually covers her eyes and yells "MY EYES!"
    Rachel: Phoebe, it's okay! IT'S OKAY!
    Phoebe: NO, THEY'RE DOING IT!!
    Rachel: I know, I know! I know!
    Phoebe: YOU KNOW?
    Rachel: YES I KNOW, AND JOEY KNOWS, BUT ROSS DOESN'T KNOW SO YOU HAVE TO STOP SCREAMING!!
  • After Phoebe sees Monica and Chandler having sex from the view out the window, she and Rachel pretend to be super-excited about Ross possibly getting the apartment to distract him from looking out the window. He even joins in the excitement by the end. It has to be seen to be believed.
  • Ross, finding out that Ugly Naked Guy is subletting his apartment, sends a bribe, and goes to the window to show the others:
    Monica: Oh, is it that pinball machine with the big bow on it?
    Ross: ...No.
    Chandler: That new mountain bike?
    Ross: ...No.
    Monica: Well, what did you send?
    Ross: ...A basket of mini-muffins.
    Phoebe: But there's a whole table of mini-muffin baskets; which one did you send?
    Ross: ...The small one.
    Rachel: What? You-you actually thought that basket was going to get you the apartment?
    Ross: Well...yeah. Someone sent us a basket at work once, and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day.
    Chandler: Your work makes me sad.
  • Before leaving, Phoebe pinches Chandler's butt as part of her campaign to make him think she's into him.
    Monica: Oh, my god....Oh, my god, she knows about us!
    Chandler: Are you serious?
    Monica: Phoebe knows, and she's just trying to freak us out. That's the only explanation for it.
    Chandler: [give Monica a "Gee, thanks" look] Okay, but what about my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps? [feels his bicep] She knows!
  • Joey confesses to Chandler and Monica that both Phoebe and Rachel know about them... so Chandler and Monica decide to play along with Phoebe's fake flirting with Chandler, which the latter sums up with "Ah, yes... the messers become the messees!"
  • Inevitably, Phoebe and Rachel realise that Monica and Chandler are counter-messing with them, and so begins a "Who will crack first?" approach to the charade between them. Joey, as ever, is completely lost:
    Phoebe: God, they thought they can mess with us! They're trying to mess with us!? They don't know that we know they know we know! [Joey shakes his head in utter confusion] Joey, you can't say anything!
    Joey: I couldn't even if I wanted to.
  • The reaction of the group is priceless when they see Ross hanging out with Ugly Naked Guy while being naked himself!
    Joey: Hey, hey, check it out, check it out! Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend! [Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe join him at the window]
    Rachel: Oh yeah!... [all five of them slowly get utterly horrified looks] Oh my God, that's our friend! [Monica turns and buries her face in Chandler's shoulder] IT'S NAKED ROSS!
    Chandler, Phoebe, Joey: Oh my God!/It is Ross!...
  • Rachel and a reluctant Joey help Phoebe prepare for her "date" with Chandler. Joey isn't paying particularly close attention to Phoebe's requests:
    Rachel: Show time!
    Phoebe: Okay, Rachel, get me perfume!
    Rachel: Okay! [she runs off to do just that]
    Phoebe: And Joey, get me a bottle of wine and glasses? [Joey trudges off to do just that; Rachel returns with the perfume and sprays it in the air in front of Phoebe, who walks into the mist and spins around in it. Meanwhile, Joey returns with a bottle and two mugs] All right! Thanks. But... um, glasses that do not have handles and that are glass. [looks at the bottle] And, um, wine that is not olive oil.
  • During the "Who will crack first?" fake date between Chandler and Phoebe, Rachel and Joey listen from the hallway, while Monica hides in Chandler and Joey's bathroom. When Phoebe tells Chandler she wants him to rub lotion all over her, he runs into the bathroom, ostensibly to get the lotion but actually to get re-assurance from Monica. As he is about to head back out with the lotion, he notices something different about the bathroom...
    Chandler: Did you clean up in here??
    Monica: Of course!
  • Chandler and Phoebe's flirting shenanigans. Phoebe 'dances' for him while promising she's 'very bendy', while Chandler just looks terrified the entire time.
    Phoebe: So ... this is my bra.
    Chandler: I'm so happy that we're going to have all the sex.
  • In The Tag, Ross, having succeeded in subletting Ugly Naked Guy's apartment, is meeting with his boss, Dr. Ledbetter, to prove that he's no longer angry. Then he sees Monica and Chandler fooling around through their apartment window:
    Ross: Wait. No...! What? What are you doing?! [as Dr. Ledbetter beats a hasty retreat] GET OFF MY SISTER!!!

515: TOW the Girl Who Hits Joey

  • The entire opening scene where Ross confronts Chandler and Monica.
    • Ross' rather hammy rage throughout the scene for the first half, complete with him sticking his head through the door (which is thankfully bolt locked) à la The Shining:
      Ross: Chandler! CHANDLER! [tries to open the door, but can only get it open a few inches because of the chain; Monica and Chandler jump up and hastily re-adjust their clothes] I saw what you were doing through the window, I saw what you were doing to my sister, NOW GET OUT HERE!
    • Chandler's reaction to Ross clearly wanting to gut him is priceless:
      Chandler: [quickly] Listen, we had a good run. What was it four, five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime. So goodbye, take care, buh-bye then.
      [Chandler hastily kisses Monica, then heads for the apartment window]
      Monica: What are you doing?
      Chandler: Oh, I'm going on the lam!
    • Monica opens the door for Ross and tries acting casual. Courteney Cox's delivery just sells it:
      Monica: ...Hey Ross! What's up, bro?
    • Rachel and Joey arrive after having heard Ross scream:
      Rachel: Hey, what- what's going on?
      Chandler: [staring down an angry Ross] Well I think — I think — Ross knows about me and Monica?
      Joey: [whispering while making "cut" gesture at his throat] Dude, he's right there?!
      Everyone Else: [looks at Joey with a Death Glare, especially Chandler]
    • After Chandler and Monica reveal they love each other and Ross gushily accepts it Joey says they should leave so Chandler and Monica can get back to what they were doing. Ross shoots him a Squicked look leading to this gem:
      Joey: Hey, I'm just talking here, he's the one doing your sister!
  • Joey's petite girlfriend, per the title, likes to hit Joey (playfully).
    Rachel: She is so cute. You could fit her right in your little pocket.
    Joey: I don't know. I mean, I like her a lot, and she's really nice, but...
    Monica: But what?
    Joey: She keeps punching me.
    Chandler: [stifles a laugh]
    Monica: In that cute, little sweet way she just did?
    Joey: Hey, it's a lot harder than it looks, okay? She...She's hurting me.
    Monica: Oh, see, I know what you need. You need a bodyguard. Hey, Ross, what is Ben doing after preschool?
    [Ross and Phoebe laugh]
    Chandler: Okay, listen. Joey is having a problem...with a little girl who's beating him up.
    Rachel: Aw, Joey, come here. [holds Joey's hand] Look, honey, I know this must be really, really difficult for you — Oh, I'm sorry. Am I hurting you?

516: TOW a Cop

  • Ross buying a new couch.
    • Ross apparently expects a lot of his new couch:
      Ross: I want my couch to say "Kids welcome" but also say (seductively) "Come here to me".
      Rachel: What? You say that to KIDS?
      Ross: No, no. It's for the ladies.
      Rachel: Ross, honey, it's a nice couch, it's not a magic couch.
    • Ross' attempt to enlist Rachel and Chandler to get his new couch up several flights of stairs goes badly.
      Ross: [as the couch gets wedged between the balustrades] Pivot! Pivot! PIVOT!!
      Chandler: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
    • In The Tag, Ross returns the couch, which appears to have been hacked in half with a chainsaw. He dodges the shop assistant's questions about whether the couch was delivered in that condition or he was the one who chopped it up, and tells her that he will accept store credit toward a replacement. The unamused shop assistant offers him $4 in store credit; Ross has to think about it for a moment before accepting.

517: TOW Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss

  • Ross' "bits" when he gets his new apartment.
    Joey: Oh looklooklook, Ross is doing his "watching TV" bit.
    (cut to Ross at the window sitting on his couch and watching TV)
    Monica: No Joey, I think he's just watching TV.
    (cut to Ross in his apartment, the TV is off and Ross just grins)
  • As Joey watches Ross' pantomimes, he inadvertently attracts the attention of a "hot girl" in the same building, and within seconds, she is motioning him to come over. He counts the number of floors and apartments, heads over to the building... and ends up at Ross' apartment. He sees her a second time, counts the number of floors and apartments again... and still ends up at Ross' apartment.
    Joey: [as Ross answers the door] Damn it! Did you move!?
    Ross: Yes. I lived with you guys for a while and then I found this place. [Joey looks at him in confusion] I'm Ross.
  • After hearing from Phoebe about being in that "can't keep our hands off each other phase with Gary" Monica is bugged that she's no longer in that phase with Chandler.
    Monica: We have got to beat them.
    Chandler: What?
    Monica: Because...Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are.
    Chandler: Oh. So?
    Monica: "So?" So we've got to go upstairs and have a lot of sex and prove them wrong.
    Chandler: You have got to stop this competitive thing. Okay? It's crazy. Just to impress Gary and Phoebe, you want me to go upstairs and have sex with you over and over and over and I'm saying no to this why? Get your coat!
  • Joey makes the mistake of going door to door in Ross' building in search of the girl with whom he was flirting, so that when Ross goes to the mailboxes, a flyer from Joey asking "the hot girl who waved at me" to call him is side by side with a flyer with a sketch of Joey labelling him an intruder and instructing residents to call the police if they see him. As it happens, the girl Joey was looking for, Jen, is checking her mail at the same time as Ross, and he works up the courage to ask her out. Meanwhile, Monica explains to Joey that he was counting the floors wrong, so he finally goes to the correct apartment... at the same time Ross is collecting Jen for their date, so that he answers the door again.

519: TOW Ross Can't Flirt

  • Ross' painful attempts at flirting with the cute pizza delivery girl who has short hair. She jokes with Chandler that her new haircut makes her look like an "eight year old boy" (Chandler says if that were true, gym class would have been a lot more interesting). When she comes to deliver pizza to them again, at the door Ross says, "You know I happen to like eight year old boys."

520: TOW the Ride Along

  • Rachel happens to be in Ross's apartment when Emily leaves a message saying she's thinking of backing out of her wedding. She calls Monica over to discuss whether they should tell Ross or delete the message:
    Monica: She's obviously unstable, okay? She's thinking of running out on her wedding day. (Rachel turns to glare at her with pursed lips: she did that in the pilot. Monica sees this.) Okay, fine! But look at the position she's putting him in. And what's he gonna do? Like, Ross is gonna run over there on the wedding day and break up the marriage? Who would do that? (Rachel claps her hands, sighs, and turns with another glare: she did that in the previous season finale) Okay, fine, alright? But, y'know, that was different. Although it did involve a lot of the same people.
  • During the ride along, the group mistakes a car backfiring for a gunshot. Joey dives on top of Ross, but he later reveals he was actually trying to protect his sandwich.
  • The gang is discussing how they'd perform in a war. Monica asserts she would be great.
    Monica: And you know I'd make general before any of you.
    Chandler: Before or after you were shot by your own troops?

521: TOW the Ball

  • Rachel adopts a hairless cat.
    Joey: That is not a cat.
    Rachel: Yes, it is.
    Ross: Why is it inside out?!
  • Later:
    Monica: You have scratches all over. What happened?
    Rachel: Well, it's my cat.
    Monica: What?
    Rachel: Oh, yeah, I got a cat.
    Monica: I don't want a cat.
    Joey: Oh, don't worry. It's not a cat.
    Rachel: You guys, this cat is nothing like my grandmother's cat. I mean, it's not sweet. It's not cute. I even dragged that little string on the ground, and it just flipped out and scratched the hell out of me. And I swear—I know this sounds crazy—but every time this cat hisses at me, I know it's saying, [whispering] "Rachel."

522: TOW Joey's Big Break

  • One of the episode's B plots focuses on Phoebe being angry at Ross for reasons she won't discuss - especially not with Ross himself. When Ross sits next to her on the sofa at Central Perk and she leans further and further away from him while holding a magazine right up to her face, he tries offering an apology for his mysterious slight, and it seems to work, until...
    Ross: [gets up to leave] I'll, uh... I'll see you later, okay?
    Phoebe: Bye. [to herself] Fatass.
    Ross: [snaps] ALL RIGHT! Phoebe, now come on! Would you please tell me what it is that made you so mad at me!?
    Phoebe: [huffily] I don't know, I don't remember!
    Ross: ... well, if you can't remember, can't we just forget about this?
    Phoebe: Ohhh no, I am mad at you, I know that much. But I am sorry about the "fatass" thing, 'cause you actually have a very sweet little heinie. [Ross reflects on this, then smiles and shrugs modestly before going back to looking confused]
  • Ross finally tricks Phoebe into explaining the reason for her anger at him:
    Ross: Okay, Pheebs, I know how we're gonna figure this out. Clear your mind, and answer the first thing that comes into your head, okay?
    Phoebe: [smiles] Mm-hmm.
    Ross: What do you like better, flora or fauna?
    Phoebe: Fauna.
    Ross: Who would you rather be, Simon or Garfunkel?
    Phoebe: Garfunkel.
    Ross: Why are you mad at me?
    Phoebe: You said I was boring. [realises] Ohh!
    Ross: When did I say you were boring!?
    Phoebe: Oh my God, I remember now! We were playing chess!
    Ross: ... Phoebe, you and I have never played chess.
    Phoebe: Oh come on, yes, 'member, that time on the frozen lake, we were playing chess, you said I was boring, and then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz! [Ross looks thoroughly confused; after a moment, so does Phoebe] Okay, there's a chance this may have been a dream...
  • The other B plot has Rachel suffering from an eye infection, but she freaks out when anyone or anything comes near her eyes. Or anyone else's. Monica tries to put drops in her eyes, but she's a big baby. In The Tag, the gang sans Joey are in the girls' apartment. Ross asks Rachel to hand him the TV Guide, and when she leans forward, Monica yells, "Go!" They all tackle her and hold her down while Monica administers the drops.

523-24: TO in Vegas

  • Phoebe confronting the lurker.
    Phoebe: I'm gonna be on your ass every hour of every day till Monday because that's when I go home. When do you leave?
    Lurker: Also Monday.
    Phoebe: (in the exact same angry tone) What time? Maybe we can share a cab.
  • Ross and Rachel end up getting drunk in the hotel room after an escalating prank war on the plane sees Rachel with a permanent marker beard and moustache.
    • Highlights include Rachel attempting to phone the front desk for "more alcohol and more beers", Ross falling over when trying to sit down and immediately asking a perplexed Joey if he's okay, and Rachel responding to Joey's "How YOU doin'?" with a flirtatious "I'm doin' good baby, how 'bout you?" Joey laughs, shortly before telling Ross to not let her drink any more.
    • Rachel is finally coaxed out of the hotel room when Ross lets her draw on his face. She draws whiskers and a nose, and writes ROSS on his forehead. They then drunkenly bow to a statue in awe.

     Season 6 
601: TO After Vegas
  • Ross tries to convince Rachel to stay married by saying that they can have a reception and she can keep all the presents. That actually distracts Rachel for a second as she visualizes it.

602: TOW Ross Hugs Rachel

  • Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are on their way to a movie when Ross confesses to Phoebe that he didn't get his Vegas marriage with Rachel annulled. Phoebe promptly hails a taxi, shoves Rachel into it even though the cinema to which they are going, the Angelica, is within walking distance, and bangs on the roof while shouting "Hurry, the Angelica! Go! Go!" to the driver, who takes off. After Phoebe confronts Ross over lying to Rachel about the annulment, Rachel's taxi reverses back to where Phoebe and Ross are standing. Phoebe asks Rachel how she enjoyed the movie; Rachel points out that she hasn't seen it, so Phoebe bangs on the taxi roof while shouting "Hurry, the Angelica! Go! Go!" again. And once again the driver takes off as Rachel yells at him to stop.
  • Monica's intensity is always a sight to behold such as the time when she tried to get Rachel to cry when she told her that she and Chandler are moving in together.
    Monica: It's the end of an era, you might say.
    Rachel: Mon, are you okay? You're not blinking.

604: TOW Joey Loses His Insurance

  • Joey's time out of work has caused his health benefits to lapse, so he needs to find work to qualify for insurance again. Unfortunately, in preparing for his auditions, he gives himself a hernia lifting weights, and he can't get surgery without insurance, so he has to audition for roles with a hernia. His first audition is for a swing set commercial, appearing opposite an eight-year-old boy:
    Joey: [puts hand down his pants to relieve the pain] Hey Timmy, I've got a surprise for you.
    Casting director: Oh my God!
  • Near the end of the episode, Joey gets the easier job of filming a deathbed scene, but they can't get the stonefaced kid acting as his son to cry. They show him the hernia. Cue the waterworks.
    Chandler: WE HAVE A CRYING CHILD! ROLL THE DAMN CAMERAS!
  • In the B plot, Ross gets a faculty position at NYU, but in his first class, a case of nerves causes him to talk with a (not very good) fake English accent. Then Monica and Rachel arrive, and soon they are also affecting (even worse) fake accents (Irish for Monica, Indian for Rachel).
  • In The Tag, Joey is gearing up to have Phoebe swing a baseball bat at his head. Chandler and Monica come in and are like, "What are you doing?" and on hearing that it's a celebration of Joey getting his insurance back, Chandler winds up with a golf club and Monica grabs a skillet.

605: TOW Joey's Porsche

  • Joey is polishing the Porsche that he has the keys to (long story) when Ross and Rachel walk up. They're arguing about the scene that Ross made at divorce court over Rachel's facetious annulment paperwork. Joey turns to them and smugly says "How are the Gellers?" It's a double joke because Ross and Rachel don't want to be "The Gellers" and they are obviously not happy. Trolling at its finest.
  • Rachel reveals that she's started to remember what happened when they got drunkenly married in Vegas—Ross thought it would be funny to eat a lot of grapes, Rachel thought it would be funnier to get married. So they compromised—marriage first, then the grapes. Then it turns out they had their wedding dinner at Pizza Hut:
    Ross: Did I even treat?
    Rachel: No, it was on the house; it was—it was a newlywed special.
    Ross: That may be the most depressing thing I've heard in my life.

606: TO on the Last Night

  • After a night of arguing with Rachel, Monica realizes how much she is going to miss her when she leaves — and ruins what otherwise would have been a Tear Jerker moment with a nice bit of Bathos:
    Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. (To Rachel - starts to well up) You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave! (breaks down) And I have to live with a BOOOOOYYYYY!
  • Ross' fake Ben dummy he makes to get out of helping Monica pack Rachel's things, which is just a Jack-O-Lantern head placed on top of some clothes.

607: TOW Phoebe Runs

  • "Thank you for bringing her into our lives..."
  • After Chandler finishes unpacking his stuff in Monica's apartment, he hears Joey quietly giggling from inside one of the boxes, immediately realizing that Joey intends to pull a prank on him. Chandler decides to play along:
    Chandler: Well, I guess Joey went home. Oh, and look, there is still one box that I have to unpack. [Joey giggles again, to which Chandler rolls his eyes with amusement]
    Joey [pops up out of the box]: I got you! [laughs, all the while Chandler is completely unfazed]
    Chandler [in the most deadpan voice possible]: Oh my god, you almost gave me a heart attack.
  • With Joey already on his guard about getting into a relationship with his new roommate, Janine, he becomes convinced that there is romantic tension developing between them and seeks Ross and Chandler's advice on how to repel women.
    Joey: Look, I need your help, okay? I have to do something to, to repel this woman! [gets an idea] Wait a minute, wait a minute... you guys repel women all the time! [Ross and Chandler look offended]
    Ross: Hey, I've been married three times! [cue Sarcastic Clapping from Chandler; Ross glares at him]
    Joey: No, no no no no! I've seen it happen! You, you, you get a rapport going with a woman, but somehow you manage to kill it! What's your secret?
    Ross: Look, we do not repel women, okay? That is completely untrue!
    Chandler: Ohhh, yes we do, my man. Remember when we were back in college, when we went to that spring dance, and you walked up to that girl you liked, and you could not stop talking about the Irish potato famine?
    Ross: Yeah, well, what about you? You weren't so, y'know, hot in college either! After everything he said, he'd go [mimics Rimshot]
    Chandler: ... yeah, Monica doesn't like that either, maybe I should stop doing that?
    Ross: Well, you know what? Girls don't like it when I, when I start talking about science.
    Chandler: That's not specific to girls.
    Joey: This is great, this is great! Wh- what else, what else?
    Ross: Uh... oh, they don't like it when you correct their grammar.
    Chandler: And they don't like it when you explain why your jokes are funny.
    Ross: You know, they don't like it when you keep asking them if they like you.
    Chandler: Man, I'm so lucky I have Monica.
    Ross: I'm never gonna find love again.
  • Ross has already sent Chandler into a panic by pointing out that his decision to clean the apartment means that nothing is where Monica usually puts it, and he predicts she'll kill him when she sees the "mess" he's made. Then Monica returns:
    Chandler: No, no, no, no, no, no! You can't come in here. Ross is naked!
    Monica: What?!
    Ross: What?!
    Chandler: I couldn't say that I was naked because she's allowed to see me naked.
    Ross: Why does anyone have to be naked?
    Monica: Why is Ross naked?
    Ross: I... I had to... show Chandler something.
    Monica: Naked?
    Ross: Yeah, I uh... I guess I have a, uh... a guy problem.
    Monica: Is it the same thing that Chandler had? [Chandler looks mortified and makes warding gestures toward the door]
    Chandler: Look, just come back later. We'll get everything squared away and you can come back later.
    Monica: Okay. Hey, listen, there's still some of Chandler's medicine left under the sink in the bathroom. Bye.
    Chandler: Bye-bye. Thank God.
    Ross: Dude, what'd you have?

608: TOW Ross' Teeth

  • After the opening credits, the series lampshades its use of the One-Hour Work Week:
    Rachel: But Pheebs, you - you could still use the copy machine where I actually work. But just come by at lunch so that my boss doesn't see you, 'cause Kim will just freak out, and she already doesn't like me very much.
    Chandler: That's weird, I don't think my boss likes me either.
    Monica: Mmm... I don't think mine likes me either!
    Ross: Maybe it's a... universal thing?
    Joey: Yeah, or maybe it's because you're all hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday!
    [Rachel, Chandler, Monica, and Ross absorb this]
    Chandler: Yeah, let's head off to work. [Rachel, Monica, and Ross murmur agreement, and all four of them get up and leave]
  • Hilarity Ensues when Ross leaves teeth whitener on a whole day. Phoebe's reaction:
    Phoebe: Ross, could you put up some of these flyers for me?
    Ross: Yeah. (smiles at Phoebe)
    Phoebe: NO! DEMON! DEMON!
  • Ross' teeth... under a UV light.

609: TOW Ross Got High

  • An extended series of awkward reveals from the episode's climax. Ross reveals that the reason Jack and Judy Geller have been cold to Chandler for a long time is because they nearly caught Ross smoking marijuana when he was home from NYU on spring break, but Ross claimed that Chandler had been smoking in his room and then jumped out of the window. As such, Monica has been unable to tell her parents about her relationship with Chandler. Meanwhile, Rachel has prepared a traditional English trifle for dessert but didn't notice that the pages in her magazine were stuck together, leading her to add a layer of minced beef, onions, and peas (crossed over from a recipe for shepherd's pie - Joey actually likes the result), Phoebe has gone from having erotic dreams about Jack to having erotic dreams about Jacques Cousteau, and Joey is anxious to leave the Thanksgiving festivities to go to a party his roommate Janine and her fellow dancers are throwing. It all comes to a head when Monica loses patience with Ross' attempts to get out of confessing and confesses for him:
    Monica: Ross? Let's go.
    Ross: Oh, yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about maybe writing a letter...
    Monica: You know what? That's it. You've had your chance. [marches over to the back of the sofa on which her parents are sitting]
    Ross: Wh- what-
    Monica: Mom, Dad? Ross smoked pot in college.
    Mr. and Mrs. Geller: What??
    Ross: [childishly] You are such a tattletale! [walks around to the front of the sofa] Mom, Dad? [sits on the coffee table] You remember that time you walked in my room and smelled marijuana?
    Mr. and Mrs. Geller: [giving Chandler a Death Glare] Yes.
    Ross: Well, I told you it was Chandler who was smoking the pot but... it was me. I'm sorry.
    Mrs. Geller: It was you?
    Monica: And Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys, Ross did! [the Gellers give Ross a Disapproving Look]
    Ross: [decides to fight fire with fire] Yeah, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did! [Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe look shocked, while Monica looks outraged]
    Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year! [the Gellers gape at Monica in disbelief]
    Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together! [Monica looks horrified, Chandler looks embarrassed, and the Gellers look stunned]
    Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced! AGAIN! [Ross looks mortified]
    Phoebe: [deciding to join in] I love Jacques Cousteau! [the Gellers look at her in utter confusion]
    Rachel: [reading the recipe she was following] I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!
    Joey: [pounding the table in desperation] I WANNA GOOOOOOOOOO!
    Mrs. Geller: [rubbing her temple] ... That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. [stands up] Alright. Joey, if you wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did NOT taste good. [Rachel looks at Joey as if to say "Why didn't you say anything before!?"] Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. [Phoebe looks crestfallen] And Monica, why you decided to hide such an important relationship from us is beyond me.
    Mr. Geller: And we kind of figured about the porch swing.
    Mrs. Geller: Ross. Drugs? Divorced, again?
    Mr. Geller: What happened, son?
    Ross: I...I, uh, I got...tricked into all those things!
    Mrs. Geller: Chandler... [ushers Ross out of the way as Chandler stands up] You've been Ross's best friend all these years, [Ross puts his hand on Chandler's shoulder] stuck by him during the drug problem, [Ross removes his hand, rolls his eyes, and walks off] and now you've taken on Monica as well! Well... I don't know what to say. You're a wonderful human being.
    Chandler: [amazed and delighted] Thank you!
    Mr. Geller: No! Thank you! [grabs the sides of Chandler's face, then he and Chandler hug] Monica, and Ross, I don't know what I'm gonna do about the two of you! [Monica and Ross look sheepish]
    Chandler: [in a parental tone of voice] I'll talk to them.

610: TOW the Routine

  • Rachel and Phoebe barge into the apartment while Chandler is home and start searching for Monica's gifts so they can better figure out what to get her. They try to enlist Chandler's help.
    Rachel: Aren't you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?
    Chandler: No, because I have a great idea for a present for her.
    Phoebe: That's it, "a great idea"?
    Rachel: Chandler, that's not enough. I mean, what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and then a bunch of little presents, and you've just gotten her one great present? That's gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her, Chandler? Why? Why?
    Chandler: [beat] If I helped, we could find them faster!
  • Under the couch, Phoebe finds a bag from Macy's and upends it to find a sneaker with a tag on it. The tag reads, "Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
  • Two words: THE ROUTINE. Made even better by Ross and Monica's serious expressions and the extremely cheesy 90's music playing: "Trouble With Boys" by Loreta.

613: TOW Rachel's Sister

  • Everyone is in Monica and Chandler's living room when there's a knock at the door. Everyone turns to look at the door in surprise, then at each other in confusion. Phoebe even points to everyone as if counting to make sure that all six of them are in fact present and they didn't forget anyone.

614: TOW Chandler Can't Cry

  • Joey trying to make Chandler cry by telling a story of a 3-legged puppy.
    Joey: What if it looked up at you and said "Help me, Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me."
    Chandler: Cry? I just found a talking puppy. I'm rich!
  • Joey learns that Phoebe (actually Ursula, using Phoebe's name) is a porn star. He and Ross come in with a plastic bag.
    Ross: Hey, uh, Phoebe's not here, is she?
    Rachel: No.
    Monica: Oh, great, did you get a movie?
    Joey: Uh...yeah, yeah. But, uh...I don't think it's the kind you're going to like.
    Chandler: You didn't get more movies that are going to have us reaching for the tissues all night, did you?
    Joey: [exchanges long look with Ross] Sort of.
  • Monica pretends she's fine with Chandler not being a crier, and spins sad scenarios trying to get him to cry, ending with:
    Monica: Yeah, and if I die...from a long illness, and you're writing out my eulogy, and you open the desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, "I will always be with you," and you still can't shed one tiny tear...I know you'll be crying a river inside.
    Chandler: [still dry-eyed] Oh, I love you so—
    Monica: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
    Chandler: What?
    Monica: You can't shed a tear for your dead wife?! Now, I left you a note from the beyond!
    Chandler: So you didn't mean any of that?
    Monica: No, you robot!

615-16: TO That Could Have Been

  • The speculation in this episode is set in motion by the revelation in The Teaser that Rachel's ex-fiancé and his wife are getting divorced.
    Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.
    Joey: [looking at Ross] What is the matter with you?!
    Phoebe: No, Barry and Mindy.
    Joey: Oh, sorry. I hear "divorce," I immediately go to Ross.
  • Alternate Chandler and Monica talking about having sex. Their normal selves are awkward enough at these things, but with Monica shyer and fat, and Chandler extra-geeky and even more insecure than usual, it's taken Up to Eleven. Watch their nervous discussion on whether they have 'moves'...They really don't.
  • Alternate Rachel freaking out when she sees Days of our Lives star Joey Tribbiani in the coffee shop:
    Monica: Rach, he’s a friend of ours.
    Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
    Chandler: Well it’s kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that he’s not real.
  • Rachel finds out that Monica is still a virgin:
    Rachel: Monica? You've done it, right?
    Monica: (laughs nervously) Of course I have. What do you think, I'm like some 30-year-old virgin?
    Rachel: Oh, my God! You're a 30-year-old virgin!
    Monica: Say it louder! I don't think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
    Guy in the back: Yeah, I heard it.

617: TOW the Unagi

  • The moment when Chandler gives Monica a late Valentines present of a mix tape he randomly found and doesn't even know the contents of, you know it's going to backfire for him somehow. And boy does it ever!
  • Rachel and Phoebe decide to give Ross a taste of his own medicine after he tries using his "Unagi" awareness technique on them. They jump out at him from behind the drapes and Ross Screams Like a Little Girl.
    Rachel: Ah... Salmon skin roll.
  • Ross' Epic Fail at hiding from Rachel and Phoebe so that he can get attack them again. They see the top of his head peeking out from behind the couch.

619: TOW Joey's Fridge

  • Ross introduces his 20-year-old girlfriend Elizabeth to the rest of the gang at Central Perk; inevitably, they can't resist kidding him about dating someone over ten years his junior once she has departed:
    Chandler: So why is she leaving, is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do?
    Ross: [deadpan] Yes. Her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow.
    Chandler: [with a forced smile] Oh. Well, tell her good luck with that.
    Ross: Anyone else? Huh? Bring 'em on... [sits on the arm of the sofa]
    Rachel: Oh! When's her birthday?
    Ross: [à la the straight man in a comic double act] I don't know, Rachel! Why?
    Rachel: Well - y'know, it's just been so long since I've been to Chuck E. Cheese... [the others laugh, Ross sarcastically]
    Monica: I like Elizabeth.
    Ross: Well, thanks!
    Monica: Yeah... in fact, I like her so much, you tell her I want my cookies early this year! [Phoebe laughs] Y'know, a box of Thin Mints and some Tagalongs!
  • Phoebe, Monica and Chandler are competing to get Rachel a date for a charity ball her work is throwing. When trying to settle which guy they've chosen is better:
    Phoebe: Have you seen your guy's body?
    Chandler: No, our guy is just a floating head.
  • Joey discussing his broken fridge:
    Joey: Look, okay. Suppose we were a divorced couple.
    Chandler: Uh-huh.
    Joey: And I got custody of the kid. Right. And suppose the kid... dies... and, and I gotta buy a new kid.
    Chandler: ...Okay...?
    Joey: (Beat) GIMME FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS!
  • And later on when Ross is talking about how to tell Elizabeth he doesn't want to go to a Spring Break trip with her, Joey childishly tries to pin the breaking of his fridge on Ross:
    Joey: Or, you could just, y'know...(pushes Ross not-so-subtly into his fridge)
    Ross: (beat) What the hell are you doing...?!
    Joey: (feigning outrage) What the hell am I doing?! You just broke my fridge!!
    Ross: What? Wha- How do you know it's- how do you know it's even broken?!
    Joey: Oh, you think I don't know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me - (quickly checks his fridge) Ohhh, whaddya know! Broken! That'll be four hundred dollars.
    Chandler: Joey, I saw you push him!
    (beat)
    Joey: You pushed him!
    Ross: Joey, I did not break this! Okay, (opens the freezer and recoils from the smell) that has been broken for a while.
    Joey: All right. Chandler, do you remember how I told you about our fridge?
    Chandler: Uh-huh.
    Joey: I still haven't gotten a check for your half yet.
    Ross: Do not give him any money!
    Joey: I'm not talking to you! You broke my fridge!

621: TOW Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad

622: TOW Paul's the Man

Advertisement:

     Season 7 
701: TOW Monica's Thunder
  • Chandler wants sex advice:
    Chandler: Joe? Um... you've had a lot of sex, right?
    Joey: (confused) When, today? (shrugs) Some...not a lot.

703: TOW Phoebe's Cookies

  • While Monica tries to work out the cookie recipe Phoebe muses about how happy her late grandmother must be that they're putting so much effort into this.
    Phoebe: I'll bet she's looking up at us and smiling right now.
    Ross: Looking up?
    Phoebe: Oh yeah — no, she was really nice to me, but she's in hell for sure.
  • Shortly after this Monica realises that the "recipe" was actually just Nestle Tollhouse cookies and there's been a pack of them sitting in the kitchen the whole time. Monica tosses the package to Phoebe who agrees that that's the recipe and they've wasted two days.
    Phoebe: See, it is stuff like this which is why you're (looks down at the floor) BURNING IN HELL!

704: TOW Rachel's Assistant

  • After Monica baits Chandler into telling her that Ross had an unfortunate incident on Space Mountain at Disneyland after an ill-advised binge at a "taco stand" (a guy with a hibachi operating out of the back of his car), Ross retaliates with the following story of a trip to Atlantic City:
    Ross: Well, Chandler and I were at a bar...
    Chandler: Did you not hear me say "DU-UDE"?!
    Ross: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after a while he goes over to her and after a minute or two I see them kissing... And I know what you're thinking: Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls...
    Monica: YOU KISSED A GUY?!?!
    Chandler: In my defense, it was dark, and he was a very pretty guy!
  • And so the gloves are off and Chandler and Ross reveal embarrassing secrets about each other from their years at NYU:
    Ross: Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and won!
    Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried!

706: TOW the Nap Partners

  • The episode's A plot sees Ross and Joey becoming "nap partners", meaning they are only able to take restful naps when snuggled up together. In The Tag, they wake up to find Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler, and Monica all standing in a row, staring at them with varying amounts of amusement and confusion. Neither Ross nor Joey feel like explaining themselves...
    Joey: [jumps off the sofa, feigning disgust] What the hell are you doing!? God! [stomps off to his bedroom]
    Ross: [gets up much more slowly, then gives the other four an embarrassed look] Excuse me... [leaves]

707: TOW With Ross' Library Book

  • After Ross and Chandler catch two students in flagrante at the library:
    Chandler: You didn't bring me here to do that, did you?
  • Monica is cooking at the diner when she's told a customer has a complaint and urges her to come on in. Monica is just putting a lobster into a pot when she hears...
    Janice: Oh. My. GOD!
    Monica (to lobster) Lucky bastard.
  • Janice hangs around dinner and drives the two nuts so Monica says that Chandler still has feelings for her. Janice leaves but says she'll be there when Chandler and Monica split up.
    Chandler: Our kids are going to call her Aunt Janice, aren't they?

709: TOW All the Candy

  • Ross' "The bike is dying speech" especially the end when the seemingly unfazed Phoebe pleads for her bike not to die after Ross leaves.
  • Joey participating in the mob demanding candy from Monica: "YEAH, LADY, GIVE US CANDY!"
    • Chandler shames the group for ruining what was supposed to be a neighborly gesture. His face when he repeats "Candy Lady" is priceless.
      Chandler: And I'll bet that not one of you can tell me her name. Am I right?
      Man: [beat] Candy lady?
      Chandler: No, not "Candy Lady"!
      Joey: [shoving the earlier man aside, knocking him to the floor] If we know it, can we have candy?!
      Chandler: All right, you know what? Forget it! All of you, forget it. You've ruined it. Go home. You ruined it. You've ruined it.
      Joey: [making his way to the door, as everyone leaves] Go on, you guys ruined everything! You ruined it!
    • Monica tells Chandler that someone slipped a threatening note under her door.
      Joey: Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Mob mentality or whatever.

710: TOW the Holiday Armadillo

  • Ross had to buy an armadillo costume because there were no Christmas costumes left at the store (in order to teach his son Ben about Hanukkah). Chandler then shows up dressed like Santa Claus:
    Ross: [dressed as the Holiday Armadillo] What are you doing here, Santa?
    Chandler: [dressed as Santa] Why I'm here to visit my old buddy Ben! What are you doing here?... weird... turtle man?
    Monica: Ben, why don't you come over here and open some more presents while Santa, the Armadillo and I have a little talk in the kitchen. There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
  • When Chandler prepares to return the Santa outfit:
    Monica: Hey. You think you can keep it another night? [Meaningful Look]
    Chandler: Santa? Really?
    Monica: Yeah, is that okay?
    Chandler: Did your...dad ever dress up as Santa?
    Monica: No.
    Chandler: [in his Santa voice] Then it's oh-kaaay!
  • Chandler's attempt to explain to Ben why Santa has to leave: "Because if Santa and the Holiday Armadillo stay in the same room for too long, the universe will implode. [beat] Merry Christmas!"
  • "My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt!" The smug look and nod on Joey's face here just makes it.
    Ross: The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part!
  • When Rachel and Phoebe come in, and find the lights dimmed and Ross, Chandler and Joey all dressed in costumes:
    Rachel: Wow. It looks like the Easter Bunny's funeral in here.
    [...]
    Phoebe: Okay, I understand why Superman is here, but why is there a porcupine at the Easter Bunny's funeral?

711: TOW All the Cheesecakes

  • A rare Chandler/Rachel subplot features them constantly swiping their neighbor's cheesecake and eating it for themselves, falling so in love with the taste that they eat it off of the floor after dropping it in the hallway. And when they're on the floor, Joey walks in on them. He stares down at them, before crouching to their level...while taking out a fork of his own and asking what they're having.

712: TOW They're Up All Night

  • Phoebe's fire alarm keeps going off, so she tries to shut it off but then it breaks, turning into a non-stop beep. She then puts it in a gym bag and throws it out, only for it to be returned by a cop because the gym bag had her name on it.

713: TOW Rosita Dies

  • Monica's things from her childhood get ruined because her dad puts her boxes in front of his Porsche to divert water when the garage flooded. Feeling guilty and wanting to make up for making Monica think that she was The Unfavorite, he gives her the Porsche. Ross's reaction makes the scene more than just a Heartwarming Moment.
    Monica: What?
    Ross: WHAT?!!
    [...]
    Ross: Whoa, w-w-wait-wait a minute! I mean a couple of stupid boxes get wet and she gets a PORSCHE?!
    Jack: Why don't we take it for a spin?
    Monica: Alright!
    Ross: Wh-what about me?! I'M A MEDICAL MARVEL!
  • Phoebe gets a job as a telemarketer and the first person she calls (Earl, played by Jason Alexander) reveals he's contemplating suicide.
    • Without giving his name, Earl explains he's stuck in a meaningless office and that none of his co-workers know he exists.
      Phoebe: Chandler?
    • Earl proves his point that no one cares about him by publicly announcing his intention to kill himself and not a single person in the crowded office batting an eye.
    • Earl is about to hang up. Phoebe screams: "I'm not finished yet! Don't you dare hang up on me!" Her boss passes by and notes approvingly: "The new girl's good!"
    • Phoebe manages to track down where Earl works and gets into his office. When she asks a staffer for him, the person has no idea who she's talking about.
      Earl: [a few desks away] I'M RIGHT HERE!

714: TOW They All Turn Thirty

  • The main plot involves Rachel, the youngest of the main six, turning 30.note  She isn't taking it well, and refuses to face her friends before Tag lays down the ground rules; one of the things they shouldn't say is "They still look pretty damn good", and Joey replies "They do!".
  • The extremely inappropriate card Chandler gives her doesn't help Rachel's mood.
    • The message inside is bad enough...
      "Happy birthday, Grandma. It's better to be over the hill than buried under it."
    • ... but the capper is Monica's exasperated reaction:
      Monica: All you had to do was buy the card.
  • Other funny moments from Rachel's birthday include Tag and Joey fighting over a scooter, as seen when Tag tries to flee on it after overhearing Rachel say she should already be with the person she is going to marry and Joey running after him shouting at him to stop hogging it.
  • The episode also features flashbacks to the other characters' 30th birthdays.
    • We start with short scenes from first Joey, then Chandler turning 30. At both of their parties, Joey is crying hysterically about the "deals" he made with God to prevent him and the gang from aging not working.
    • Monica's 30th birthday gets a longer flashback:
      • The gang are throwing a formal, lavishly catered surprise party - with Jack and Judy Geller among the guests - only to find that Monica was taken out for drinks by the busboys at her restaurant and has returned home so blitz drunk she can barely stand. As her parents have never seen her drunk, they have to conceal her state from them as best they can. Phoebe (who loves "drunk Monica", finding her much more fun than "regular Monica") offers to divert the guests' attention by getting twice as drunk (which doesn't thrill Chandler, as "drunk Phoebe" is mean), while Chandler has to recruit Rachel to help Monica change into her party dress:
        Rachel: What's going on?
        Chandler: Monica's wasted.
        Ross: [bored] Maybe that'll liven up this party.
        Chandler: [to Rachel] Okay, will you just go help her get changed, please?
        Rachel: Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for Joey... [heads to Monica's room]
        Joey: Yep. [starts walking toward Monica's room, but runs into Chandler's outstretched arm]
      • When Monica staggers out of her bedroom in her formal dress (Rachel describes it as like watching Bambi learning to walk), Phoebe's idea of distracting the other guests turns out to be clinking her glass and shouting "Speech!" - after all, everyone is looking at her instead of Monica, and, as she proudly tells Chandler, she didn't even have to remove her top. The spotlight (and Jack Geller's camcorder) now on Monica, she drops the charade and gleefully tells her parents "[their] little Harmonica is hammered!" - and not for the first time - and that she has also smoked a cigarette and is hiding a box of Ding-Dongs in her underwear drawer, but it's all right because she is now a grown-up and can do as she pleases - which at that moment apparently involves falling to the floor in a drunken stupor. All while Ross films the whole thing (having taken the camcorder from his shocked father). Phoebe then decides to go to her emergency backup diversion (even though there is no longer a secret from which to divert attention):
        Phoebe: [gesturing to the neck strap on her dress] Quick, help me get this off!
        Joey: [eagerly] Yeah! [starts untying the strap; Ross points the camcorder at them]
    • Phoebe's 30th birthday also gets a longer flashback as she tries to make up with Ursula, only to discover from Ursula's birth certificate (her own having been sold to a Swedish runaway) that her 30th birthday was a year ago; the Buffay sisters are actually 31.note  She ruefully tells Joey that this means there are things she wanted to do before turning 31 but now hasn't, such as having the perfect kiss, meeting Portuguese people, and going to sniper school.
    • Ross has a midlife crisis on his 30th birthday and buys a vintage MG sports car - except he can't get it out of its parking spot because it's cornered front and rear. So he gets the gang to "Lift... and slide". It works about as well as you'd expect.

715: TOW Joey's New Brain

  • Chandler and Monica's mortification when they hear Ross practicing his bagpipes across the street to give tribute to Chandler's Scottish roots during their wedding:
    Monica: Why is your family Scottish?!
    Chandler: Why is your family Ross?!
  • When Chandler and Monica tell Ross that they could hear his bagpipe playing all the way from their apartment:
    Ross: Were you the ones who called the cops?
    Chandler: That's not really important right now. What's important is while we appreciate the gesture, we just don't feel that bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.
    Ross: Why not?
  • Phoebe singing along as Ross plays the bagpipes. Her lyric is basically "EEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEE! EEEE! EEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Jennifer Aniston is trying her hardest not to laugh during that scene. Even funnier in the outtake, where she and the others can't stop laughing. In fact, if you look at the scene, Lisa Kudrow just can't seem to keep a straight face while "singing", either.
  • Joey's soon-to-be Days of Our Lives ex-castmate, Cecilia Monroe (Susan Sarandon), is apparently very famous for slapping people in the face, to the point where Monica (who's a huge fan of her character) asks her to do it to her when they meet. She even tries to provoke her, then stick out the part of her face she wants to get slapped; Cecilia isn't fooled for a moment.
    Monica: Would you slap me? Would you slap me right here in the face? [points to her cheek]
    Cecilia: I'd love to, but my lawyer said I can't do that anymore.
    [...]
    Monica: [breaking away from Joey's attempt to bundle her and Rachel out of the apartment] Oh, wait, just one more thing! One more minute! [to Cecilia] Um, you're a stupid bitch! [stands with her face stuck out in prime slapping position]
    Cecilia: I really can't slap you. [Monica storms off]

716: TOW the Truth About London

  • Monica and Chandler, hoping to guide Joey away from the terrible speech he's writing, suggest telling stories about them.
    Joey: Ooh! Ooh! Uh...okay! Maybe I'll talk about London, you know, when you two hooked up, only...only I won't say "hooked up." I'll say, "began their beautiful journey..."
    Monica: There you go.
    Joey: "...by doing it."
  • Hypothesizing what would have happened if Joey and Monica had hooked up.
    Monica: Honey? Dinner's ready!
    (A massively overweight Joey waddles onto the screen)
    Joey: What's my little chef got for me, tonight?
    Monica: Your favorite!
    Joey: Hoo Hoo Hoo! Fried stuff with cheese!

717: TOW the Cheap Wedding Dress

718: TOW Joey's Award

  • Ross imitating a velociraptor when a student asks how the "high-pitched intimidating noise" the raptor used to scare its prey might have sounded.
  • Joey during the award show, especially his reaction when he missed the award and his presentation on stage.

720: TOW Rachel's Big Kiss

722: TOW Chandler's Dad

  • When Kathleen Turner first appears as Chandler's dad:
    Monica: (shocked that Chandler's dad looks like an attractive woman) That can't be your father.
    Chandler: Believe me, I've been saying that for years.
  • Which made Jessica Rabbit appearing on Chandler's list (of women he's allowed to sleep with) a couple of seasons earlier absolutely HYSTERICAL in hindsight.note 

723-24: TOW Chandler and Monica's Wedding

  • Chandler's parents insulting each other at the rehearsal dinner. His dad tells his mom (who is wearing a very low-cut dress and bulging out of it) that she's too old to be dressed like that. His mom tells his dad (who is wearing a plunging v-neck blouse and a skirt) that he has too much penis to be dressed like that.
  • The whole spitting gag, especially the whole moment between "Vincent" (Richard Crosby) and "Tony" (Joey Tribbiani).
  • Rachel never met Chandler's dad, who is a Drag Queen, and mistakes a woman for him:
    Rachel: Hi! I'm Rachel! I'm a friend of Monica and Chandler's!
    Amanda: I'm Amanda.
    Rachel: Oh I get it! A man, duh!

     Season 8 
801: TO After I Do
  • Rachel silently pleads with Phoebe not to tell anyone that she's pregnant, so Phoebe tells them that she is. Lisa Kudrow's delivery of this line sells it:
    Phoebe: Yes. [beat] I am with child.

802: TOW the Red Sweater

  • Joey proposing to Phoebe who he believes is pregnant.
    Monica: Phoebe, I think he would notice when you didn't have a baby in nine months.
    Phoebe: It's Joey! (mouths "I love you" to Joey and he smiles)
  • After Joey is told that Rachel, not Phoebe, is pregnant, he reveals to Monica and Phoebe that a month earlier, an unidentified man spent the night with Rachel and left a red sweater behind; Phoebe recognises it as a sweater Rachel's ex-boyfriend Tag used to wear and invites him to Central Park to reveal the truth, only for him to reveal that he is wearing his red sweater. Then Ross and Chandler show up after having mistakenly believed they lost the disposable cameras from Chandler and Monica's wedding and taken photos of themselves at another wedding, and as Ross turns to leave... well, the best part of what follows is Joey's massively Delayed Reaction.
    Ross: Hey, my sweater! [picks up the red sweater; the studio audience cheers] I've been looking for this for like a month! [leaves]
    Monica, Phoebe: Oh my God!
    [very long pause as Joey smiles and nods... and finally gets a shocked look on his face]
    Joey: OH MY GOD!

803: TOW Rachel Tells Ross

  • Rachel telling Ross that's she's pregnant results in Stunned Silence.
    Rachel: Ross. [no answer] Ross? [beat] Okay, whenever you're ready. [leans back and opens a magazine]
    The show goes to commercial, and comes back to find him still staring openmouthed and Rachel finishing the magazine
  • Ross reveals Rachel is pregnant despite a condom:
    Ross: I just found out that condoms are only, like, 97% effective.
    Joey: What.
    Ross: I gotta go find her. [starts to leave]
    Joey: Whoa! Hey! Whoa!! Hold up! Are you serious?! So like 3% of the time they don’t even work?! Huh? They should put that on the box!
    Ross: Evidently they do.
    Joey: WHAT?! [grabs a huge roll of condoms from his pocket to look] Well I'll be...

804: TOW the Videotape

  • Rachel shows a video purportedly of Ross begging her to get it on on the night she got pregnant, only to find out that she was the one who came on to him - and that everyone knows about her technique involving 'the video of her vacation in Europe', and that Joey started it.
    Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy!
    Joey: [raises hand] Some guy! [points to self]
    Rachel: No, no, she said his name was Ken Adams!
    Joey: [raises hand and points to himself again] Ken Adams!

806: TOW the Halloween Party

  • Ross, dressed as "Spud-nik", being mistaken as "Doodie" by Joey during the Season 8 Halloween episode. All the better because Joey ticks him off so much that Ross actually waddles over to beat Joey up (only being stopped when Chandler holds him back).
    Joey: What's Sputnik, Doodie-man?

808: TOW the Stripper

  • Monica accidentally hires a hooker instead of a stripper for Chandler's (belated) bachelor party. Meanwhile, Rachel's father finds out that Ross got Rachel pregnant, and goes to confront him when he's with his new girlfriend, Mona:
    Dr. Green: You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?! I’m gonna kill you!
    Ross: Y’know this is actually not a great time for me.
    [cut to commercial; cut back from commercial]
    Dr. Green: So? Come on! Explain yourself Geller! First you get my Rachel pregnant!
    Mona: You got Rachel pregnant?!
    Ross: Who did?!
    Dr. Green: You did!
    Ross: Yes. Yes, yes I did. (To Mona) But-but it was, it was just a one night thing. It meant nothing.
    Dr. Green: Oh? Really? That’s what my daughter means to you? Nothing?
    Ross: No! No sir umm, she means a lot to me. I mean, I care—I-I love Rachel.
    Mona: What?!
    Ross: (to Mona) Oh but not that way. I mean... I mean I'm not in love with her. I love her like a, like a friend.
    Dr. Green: Oh really? That’s how treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then refuse to marry her?
    Ross: (to Dr. Green) Hey! I offered to marry her!
    Mona: Wha...
    Ross: (To Mona) But I didn’t want to.
    Dr. Green: Well why not? So you can spend your time with this tramp?!
    Mona: Tramp?!
    Ross: I'm sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.
  • The scene cuts to Chandler and Joey who don't know what to do about the hooker, than back to Ross:
    Mona: How could you have kept all of this from me?
    Ross: I was going to tell you, but...
    Dr. Green: But what?! You figured you’d get what you wanted and then dump her like you dumped Rachel!
    Ross: Hey! I did not dump Rachel! (To Mona) Nor are we still together. (The phone rings and Ross goes to answer it, only he's trapped behind the apothecary table by Dr. Green) Can I just... (Dr. Green glares at him) Why don't we just let the machine get that?
    Joey: (on machine) Hey Ross. It's Joey. There's a hooker over here and we thought maybe you'd know something about it.
    (Mona and Dr. Green just stare at Ross)
    Ross: (horrifed) No! No! NO! NO! NO! I-I-I-I—I need to, I need to lie down.

809: TOW the Rumor

  • This episode has both the title rumor and all related implications, and Joey arriving with elastic pants (where it's clear that Brad Pitt is cracking up).
    Monica: You started that?!
    Rachel: What?! You heard that?!
    Monica: Everyone at our school heard it!
    Chandler: Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?!
  • The gang finding out about Ross' affair with his elderly high school librarian.
    Ross: The eyes... did still sparkle...

810: TOW Monica's Boots

812: TOW Joey Dates Rachel

  • Phoebe gives Chandler and Monica a Ms. Pac-Man machine as a wedding gift, and Chandler fills the entire high score board with obscene words - playing so much Ms. Pac-Man in the process that his hand gets locked into a claw formation.
    Chandler: My hand is messed up!
  • Since Ben is coming to visit the next day and Monica doesn't want her seven-year-old nephew learning obscenities from an arcade machine, she tries to beat Chandler's highest score ten times without success. Fortunately, Phoebe is rather more skilled at the game, and clears nine obscene names off the high score board. However, she loses her last life when she is just a few points away from clearing the tenth obscene name off the board... and explodes into a torrent of profanity just in time for Ross to arrive with Ben. The funniest parts are the collective reactions of Ross, Ben, Chandler, and Monica, coupled with the soundtrack switching to an opera in French.
    Phoebe: NO! YOU SON OF A B[ITCH, MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE!] [the soundtrack switches to opera for the part in brackets, while the video switches to slow motion. Ross' jaw drops, and he quickly covers Ben's ears, while Chandler covers his own ears and Monica Facepalms]
    Ross: PHOEBE!
    Phoebe: [stops swearing and turns around] Oh, hi Ben! NO, DON'T LOOK AT THE MACHINE! [covers the screen]

813: TOW Chandler Takes a Bath

  • When Rachel and Ross discuss potential baby names, Phoebe chimes in with, "If it's a girl, Phoebe. If it's a boy, Phoebo." Later, Rachel asks her OB/GYN, "You could tell us whether it's a boy or a girl? Dayton or Sandrine? Phoebe or Phoebo?" The doctor then gets beeped and leaves the room. On her way out the door, she turns around and adds, "I know it's really not my place, but please don't name your child Phoebo."
  • After the doctor leaves:
    Rachel: [looking at board full of photographs] So, which of these babies do you think is the ugliest?
    Ross: What?! Rach, come on. That's terrible. They're, uh, they're babies. They're all beautiful.
    Rachel: Third one from the left?
    Ross: Yeah, why is it staring at me? I think it knows I'm talking about it.
  • After Ross thinks Rachel snuck a look at the sex of the baby:
    "Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you!"

814: TOW the Secret Closet

  • The whole closet plot, especially when Chandler finally opens the door (by taking it off the hinges), revealing a ton of disorganized junk. Chandler relishes teasing Monica over it:
    Chandler: [looking at closet] Oh my god!
    Monica: [gasps] How did you get in there?!
    Chandler: [with a goofy grin on his face] He-he-he-he-he, you're messy!
    Monica: No, you weren't supposed to see this!
    Chandler: I married Fred Sanford!
    Monica: No, Chandler, you don't understand—-
    [Chandler begins scatting the Sanford and Son theme]

815: TOW the Birthing Video

  • Chandler's dawning horror as what he thought was a porn video turns out to be a birthing video.
    Chandler: Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever! [grabs remote and starts pushing buttons]
    Candi: Ohhh, make it stop!!!
    Chandler: I am trying!
  • As you might imagine, Chandler's rather turned off. Monica tries to bring him around.
    Monica: Chandler, we can't let this tape wreck Valentine's Day.
    Chandler: You don't know. You didn't see it.
    Monica: Childbirth, it's a natural thing. It's beautiful.
    Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Oh, really? You think this is beautiful? [starts video again]
    Monica: [watches in horror as Candi screams] Oh, my God. No wonder my mother hates me.
    Chandler: See, honey, [puts hand on Monica's leg] there's—
    Monica: Don't touch me!
  • This:
    Chandler: Up till now, the worst thing I ever saw was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver.
    Monica: We have to get past this. Why don't we just get rid of the tape and pretend it never existed?
    Chandler: I could do that. All right. [puts tape under the cushion of the armchair] Okay, now all we gotta do is get rid of the chair.
  • After Rachel comes in:
    Monica: Rach, you know that birthing tape that you wanted to see? It's here.
    Chandler: Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it...don't watch it.
    Rachel: Why? You saw it? Is it scary?
    Chandler: Well, let's just say that it's ironic how footage of someone being born can make you want to kill yourself.
    Rachel: Well...well, now wait. I'm all freaked out. Come on, you guys will watch it with me.
    Monica: No, but I will leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you.

816: TOW Joey Tells Rachel

  • Monica telling Ross how freaked out Joey is.
    Monica: He's talking about moving to Vermont.
    Ross: Why?
    Monica: He says he wants to leave the country.

817: TOW the Tea Leaves

  • Chandler's line: "I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
  • Phoebe's weird date.
    Jim: I write erotic novels... for children.
    Phoebe: What?
    Jim: They're wildly unpopular.
    Phoebe: Oh my God!
    Jim: Also, you might be interested to know that I have a Ph.D.
    Phoebe: Wow, you do?
    Jim: Yep, a pretty HUUUGE
    Phoebe: Alright. (leaves)

821: TOW the Cooking Class

  • Rachel jealous over a girl showing interest in Ross:
    Rachel: Horny bitch. (Ross and the girl look at her. Rachel pretends to play with the toys she's carrying) "No, you're a horny bitch!" "No, you're a horny bitch!"
  • Phoebe's thoughts on the matter:
    "Well, the idea—a woman flirting with a single man? We must alert the church elders!"

822: TOW Rachel is Late

  • Rachel and Ross are at the OB/GYN, and are having a discussion over the fact that Rachel has been quite irritable because her due date has passed already. Ross comes up with this great line.
    Ross: You know, we should ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half PURE EVIL!
  • The doctor suggests several things that might help induce labor. The last one is sex. Rachel gives Ross a hopeful look, whereupon he says, "You've got to be kidding me!"
  • Rachel tries to convince Ross to have sex with her:
    Rachel: Oh come on Ross, we’ve done it before we’ll do it again, it’ll be a nice way to bookend the pregnancy.
    Ross: This is insane, I’m not gonna make love to you just so that you’ll go into labor.
    Rachel: Make love? What are you a girl?
    Ross: Always a great way to get in a man’s pants.
    Rachel: But you will, you will be performing a service. Okay? Just- just think of me as a ketchup bottle, y’know you sometimes you have to bang on the end of it just to get something to come out.
    Ross: I love when you talk dirty to me.

823: TOW Rachel Has a Baby, Part I

  • Rachel has had enough of this being-in-labor business, since she's been at it for seventeen hours:
    Nurse (to patient offscreen): This room's available!
    Rachel: Okay, okay! Wait! You listen to me! You listen to me, since I have been waiting, four women, that's four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! I'm next! It's my turn! It's only fair! And if you bring in one more woman and she has her baby before me, I'm going to sue you! Not this hospital, I'm gonna sue you! And my husband, he is a lawyer!
    Ross: Uh, Rach—
    Rachel: You get back on that case, honey!
    Nurse: I don't think the next patient is very far along.
    Rachel (exasperatedly): Okay, well then, bring her in.
  • That next patient, naturally, is Janice.
    Janice: I mean this is so great, we're gonna be baby buddies! [signature laugh]
    Ross [muttering to Rachel]: Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby's ears.

824: TOW Rachel Has a Baby, Part II

  • Monica and Chandler are finally about to have sex in the private room next to Rachel's (Chandler ponders about telling Rachel there's a private room available, but an increasingly desperate Monica says no) when Janice's laugh comes through the adjoining wall.
    Monica: Does that sound like Janice?
    Chandler: If it’s not, then there’s two of them. And that would mean it’s the end of the world!
  • The gang is appalled to meet Janice at the hospital giving birth at the same time as Rachel:
    Chandler: Weirdest thing. Did I hear-(A nurse opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees Janice)-Mother of God it's true!
    Janice: Chandler Bing!
    Chandler: Jan-Janice!
    Ross: Not just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting and everything.
    Janice: Oh, this should be easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember, Chandler.
    Chandler: Janice, I didn't even know you were pregnant! Who's the unwitting human whose essence you've stolen?
    Janice: It's you. This is yours.
    Chandler: What?!
    Janice: (laughs) Look how nervous he gets! We haven’t slept together in years! (Laughs again.)
    Chandler: That's funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt?
  • A hormonal Rachel can't stop crying because she's so sleep deprived.
    Rachel: So? You guys are all sleep deprived. I don’t see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh God... (starts crying again)
    Joey: What’s the matter now?
    Rachel: (wails) I was reliving it!
  • While the audience don't get to see him, Janice's son is apparently quite interesting looking.
    Rachel: (horrified gasp) Wow! He kinda takes your breath away doesn't he?
    Ross: (after Janice has left) Man! Did you see the kid on that nose?

     Season 9 
902: TOW Emma Cries
  • Joey tries to apologise to Ross for accidentally making Rachel think he was proposing to her using Ross' grandmother's ring. He just makes things worse:
    • Joey doesn't understand the concept of "air quotes". When Ross tells him he's misusing them while apologising for "accidentally" (Ross' own air quotes) proposing to Rachel, Joey simply holds his fingers nearer to his face.
    • And immediately after that, Joey tries to get Ross to throw a punch at him to square things for the whole proposal mix-up with Rachel. It doesn't end well for Ross.
      Ross: WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!!
    • And the whole time, Gunther is watching what Ross is being put through and smiling.

904: TOW the Sharks

  • Joey tries to pick up a girl at Central Perk by pretending to be really awkward around women, and Gunther can't help but give a smug, sarcastic laugh (sounding more like a Saying Sound Effects Out Loud version, "Ha!", than a real laugh) at every blatant lie Joey gives.
  • Because Chandler switched the channel away from the porn he was watching as Monica walked in, she gets the mistaken idea he has a shark fetish, and goes to great lengths to be supportive of this, to his increasing confusion.
    Monica: Sweetie, it's okay. It's okay. I still love you. Let me be a part of this.
    Chandler: Let me be a part of this!

905: TOW Phoebe's Birthday Dinner

906: TOW the Male Nanny

  • Phoebe is happily holding hands with Mike at Central Perk, but discovers that she needs two hands to open the sugar for her coffee. Mike offers to let go, but Phoebe simply moves his hand to her breast to maintain contact while she adds the sugar to her coffee, then takes his hand back without another word.
  • Monica can't see how Phoebe finds David sexually attractive, but Phoebe has the perfect burn to counter her skepticism:
    Phoebe: I was just...I was looking...I was looking in his eyes and I was just thinking, "Oh my God! It's David. David's here." He's just, he's so irresistible.
    Monica: (leans forward, confused) Really? The scientist guy?
    Phoebe: Really? Chandler?
    Monica: (considers, nods, leans back) Continue...
  • In the extended version of the episode, when the gang tries fake laughing at Chandler's joke Ross at one makes what can only be described as a high-pitched squeal, one that even gets Matthew Perry to start breaking character.

907: TOW Ross' Inappropriate Song

  • Phoebe meets Mike's parents.
  • Joey considers moving into Richard's old apartment, but while over there, he and Chandler find a tape with Monica's name on it.
    Joey: Ooh, a tape with a girl's name on it. It's probably a sex tape. Wait a minute, this says "Monica." And this is Richard's apartment. [keeps trying to figure out what it means]
    Chandler: Get there faster!
    [Joey finally figures it out and screams]

908: TOW Rachel's Other Sister

  • Rachel's charming sister comes back upset from her phone call on Thanksgiving.
    Amy: My boyfriend canceled on me. I mean, I...I finally find a real relationship, I mean, someone that I can spend this day with, and then his wife comes back into town. I swear, it's almost not even worth dating married guys.
    Ross: Don't say that.

913: TOW Monica Sings

  • Ross comes in all heated over Rachel kissing Gavin.
    Ross: [outraged] Look, can we, can we talk about what happened here last night?
    Chandler: Sure, just give me a second to get all huffy and weird like you. Ahem. [outraged] Do you believe that whoever did something over here last night did what they did or didn't do? I mean, come on!

915: TOW The Mugging

  • Monica can get a little baby-happy at times, even when it's embarrassing:
    Chandler: (Enters, excited) Guys, guys, I've got great news! Guess what...
    Joey: Uh...Monica's pregnant?!
    Monica: (Excitedly turns to look at Joey) Really? (She looks around, then shrinks in her seat in embarrassment) Let's get past the moment.

917: TOW the Memorial Service

  • The episode's A plot revolves around a back and forth between Ross and Chandler editing each other's profiles on the NYU alumni website getting out of hand. It starts with Chandler changing Ross' profile to claim he has sex with dinosaurs (Ross almost seems more offended by the anatomical impossibility of this than by the implication that he is a sexual deviant) and gets funnier from there.
    • Chandler tries to take revenge on Ross for editing his profile to claim he was "gay as the day is long".
      Monica: What are you going to do?
      Chandler: OH YOU'LL SEE MY FRIEND!
    • He writes that Ross died watching blimps.
      Ross: I'm DEAD?!
      Chandler: (faking sympathy) And so young!
      Ross: Posting that I died, that really isn't funny!
      Chandler: Well, how you died was funny.
      Ross: Oh, please. "Hit by a blimp?"
      Chandler: It kills over one Americans every year!
    • Ross finds that no one cared enough to post anything his supposed death. When Chandler notes that a website isn't the proper venue to express grief, Ross sets up a sudden memorial at Chandler and Monica's apartment to milk some sympathy. Attendance is so bad that the first guy to show up is actually there for the supposedly gay Chandler and thinks Monica is actually a man.
      Ross: I'm dead and no one cares?
      Monica: I look like a man?
      Chandler: Please, one ridiculous problem at a time!
      Ross: This isn't ridiculous. Look around. No one's here.
      Chander: You gave them one day's notice. Not everyone in our class checks the website every day. And, Monica, it's probably the way you stand!
      [Monica adjusts her posture]
    • The one person who does show up for Ross is Kori Weston, an attractive woman that Chandler remembers.
      Chandler: Chandler, Chandler Bing. And I'm not gay. I'm not gay at all.
      Monica: You are married, though.
      Chandler: [to Kori] Don't listen to him. He's in a really bad mood.

918: TOW the Lottery

  • This gem.
    Monica: Hey, you just got in here five minutes ago!
    Ross: THREE minutes ago! ...I don't know why that was important.
  • After a meal, they break the wishbone and Joey makes a wish. The gang doesn't win the lottery, but Chandler does get offered a better job than the one he had been applying for. Joey says he used his wish for that and Chandler thanks him before saying:
    Chandler: Listen, don't tell Monica or she'll rip your heart right out.
    [Joey nods]
  • One of the many great Ross lines in this episode:
    Ross: You know what, I'm sure your wish is gonna come true, but, you guys, just in case, maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp!
    (rubs a nearby lamp)
    Ross: AAAAAAAAH! THAT THING GETS HOT!

919: TOW Rachel's Dream

  • Joey invites Rachel to come watch him on the set of Days of Our Lives.
    Joey: You just have to promise not to get yourself thrown out again.
    Rachel: That was an honest mistake.
    Joey: Right. "Oh, my God. Is this the men's room? I feel so foolish. [cranes neck to look at ass] Have you always known you wanted to be an actor?"
    Rachel: [breaks into a shit-eating grin] Yeah, that was an awesome day.
  • Chandler and Ross' trip to Vermont, where Ross tries to take as many of the hotel's amenities as possible. The opening bit with Ross on a sugar high from eating too much maple candy is also a real gem.
    Chandler: Look, they are totally ripping us off!
    Ross: Dude, don't worry about it, I know how we can make your money back. This is a nice hotel y'know, plenty of amenities, we just load up on those. Like those apples, instead of taking one, um, I take six!
    Chandler: Great. At $100 an apple we're there!
    Ross: C'mon, y-you get the idea, you know? W-we'll make our money back in no time.
    Chandler: Dude, you're shaking!
    Ross: I-I think it's the sugar, can you hold the apple?

923-24: TO in Barbados

  • Chandler accidentally infecting Ross' laptop with a virus while looking for porn.
    Ross: Nude photos of Anna Kournikova? She's never even won a major tournament!
  • The Running Gag of Monica's hair getting extra volume from the humidity. Phoebe compares her to Diana Ross and Roseanne Rosannadanna, and by the end of the episode, her hair is sticking out sideways past her shoulders.
    [during an ultra competitive ping pong game between Mike and Monica]
    Chandler: You really find this attractive on him?
    Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Are y-you telling me you're not even a, a little turned on by Monica right now?
    [Chandler looks at Monica, whose hair is sticking ever further out, as she wipes sweat off her forehead with her forearms and then sniffs her underarm]
    Chandler: ... I think this is the first time in our marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one.
    Phoebe: All right, c'mon, Mike, you can beat her! Knock that dog off her head!
    Monica: [misses Mike's shot, handing him another point] Ugh! Dammit!
    Phoebe: [proudly] I sleep with him!
    Mike: [spreads his arms, soaking up Phoebe's adoration] Game - point.
    Monica: Don't get too cocky! Remember, I won the last one. Oh - by the way, how did that feel, losing to a girl?
    Mike: You know, you should really look in the mirror before you call yourself that.
  • Chandler tries to put an end to the competition.
    Chandler: You've each won a game, and I've lost what's felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner.
    Monica: Best out of three?
    Mike: That's what I'm thinking.
    Chandler: Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil?

     Season 10 
1002: TOW Ross is Fine
  • Everything that a drunken Ross says and does in this episode. Highlights include...
    • "The only thing weird would be if someone didn't like Mexican food, because I'm making FAJITAS!"
    • "I can use ALL THESE THINGS!"
    • "I'm gonna go make a pitcher of margaritas!"
    • "Let's take a TRIP!"
    • "MY FAJITAS!"
    • Ross carrying a frying pan without oven mitts on.
    • And of course, Ross' toast, which transitions into a hilarious speech about love.
    • "I'm sorry; it must be the pressure of entertaining!"
  • Ross walks in on Joey and Rachel making out. Rachel panics and insists they weren't kissing, and has to be reminded by Joey that Ross saw them.
  • Phoebe directs Monica and Chandler to friends of hers who adopted so they can get some advice. Chandler meets the other couple's son and, not knowing he didn't know, mentions the reason they're there. Comes The Tag, when Phoebe is babysitting her nephew and nieces:
    Monica: Hey, Pheebs, we just want to give you a heads up. Bill and Colleen hate us.
    Chandler: Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him.
    Phoebe: Still, he had to find out some time.
    Chandler: Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them? [triplets look at him] I'm going to go tell Emma she was an accident.

1003: TOW Ross' Tan

  • The A plot in this episode is a tour de force for David Schwimmer's skill at physical comedy as Ross makes repeated trips to spray tan salons and, through a series of misunderstandings, only gets sprayed on the front of his body every time. His reactions each time after the first are priceless.
  • Monica and Phoebe are dragooned into meeting up with their former, very annoying neighbor Amanda, when their plan to ghost her fails. They plan for Monica to get a fake phone call saying Chandler and Mike were in an accident, when Amanda lets slip that Phoebe tried to ghost Monica way back when. When the phone call comes, Monica says Chandler was in an accident, but not Mike. After, she walks into the apartment:
    Monica: We are not friends with Phoebe anymore.
    Chandler: If she asks, I protested a little, but...okay.

1004: TOW the Cake

  • Joey forgets to get Emma a present for her first birthday and decides to read a dramatic monologue from one of her books. At first everyone seems disappointed and annoyed by this idea, but he reduces the entire room to tears. Also counts as a Moment of Awesome (by showing his skills as a professional) and as a Heartwarming Moment.
  • When they discover that they got a penis-shaped cake instead of a bunny-shaped one, we're treated to this gem.
    Judy Geller: Jack, look at this.
    Jack Geller: I know what you're thinking, Judy. The resemblance is uncanny.

1005: TOW Rachel's Sister Baby-sits

  • Joey's attempt at using a thesaurus on his adoption recommendation.
    Chandler: I don't, uh, understand.
    Joey: Some of the words are a little too sophisticated for ya?
    Monica: It doesn't make any sense.
    Joey: Of course it does, it's smart! I used the the-saurus!
    Chandler: On every word?!
    Joey: Yep!
    Monica: Alright, what was this sentence originally?
    Joey: Oh, "They are warm, nice people with big hearts."
    Chandler: And that became "They are humid prepossessing homosapiens with full-sized aortic pumps?"
    Joey: Yeah, yeah. And hey, I really mean it, dude.
    Monica: Hey, Joey, I don't think we can use this.
    Joey: Why not?
    Monica: Well, because you signed it "Baby Kangaroo Tribbiani".
  • Ross doesn't want Amy to babysit Emma:
    Ross: (About Amy babysitting Emma) She can't babysit her.
    Rachel: Why not?
    Ross: Well for one she keeps calling her Ella!
    Rachel: Well, Ella is a nice name.
    Ross: Fine, we'll call the next one Ella!
    Rachel: (Stunned) What? The next one?!

1006: TOW Ross' Grant

  • The whole incident with Gladys, Phoebe's terrifying artistic creation involving half a mannequin sticking out of a frame. Mike wants her to get rid of it, and Monica's attempts to cover up her shock at the picture lead to Phoebe giving Gladys to her as a gift.
    • Monica tries giving Gladys to Rachel, but when Phoebe walks in on them fighting over which of them gets stuck with it and they shift gears to fighting over which of them gets to keep it, she offers Monica a similar half-mannequin horror called Glynnis.
    • Monica convinces Joey to buy Gladys from her, so Rachel proceeds to convince him that it's haunted. The Tag has Monica doing the same thing to Rachel with Glynnis.
  • Joey's Japandering ad. He knows Chandler lied about watching the tape of his commercials because he didn't immediately start poking fun at him for this ad.
    Joey: [in commercial] Ichiban! Lipstick... for men!

1007: TOW the Home Study

  • Monica cleans the apartment in preparation for the social worker.
    Monica: Okay, so I think I'm just about done here, unless you have any bad stuff hidden somewhere, like porn or cigarettes?
    Chandler: What? No!
    Monica: Chandler?
    Chandler: I don't! And I'm offended by the insinuation!
    Monica: Okay. So there's not a magazine under the couch? Or a pack of cigarettes taped to the back of a toilet tank? Or a filthy video in the VCR?
    Chandler: I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine, but that tape is not mine.
    Monica: Well, it isn't mine.
    Joey: [takes tape and walks out] Oh, I guess we'll never know whose it is.
  • The Ross-Rachel subplot in this episode:
    Ross: I was thinking of taking Emma to the playground.
    Rachel: Oh, my God. What?
    Ross: Like I said, I was thinking of taking Emma to the Museum of Knives and Fire.
    • Rachel has issues regarding playgrounds, it turns out, because as a little girl, she got her hair caught in the chain of a swing, requiring her mother to cut it on the spot, resulting in uneven hair for several weeks.
      Ross: [long beat] And you made it through that? I wonder who's going to play you in the movie.
    • More classic David Schwimmer physical comedy ensues when Ross repeatedly stands in the wrong place and gets kicked by people on swings - first a young boy, then by Rachel trying to overcome her fear of swings.
  • Phoebe and Mike decide to donate the money they would have spent on their wedding to a children's charity and just get married at City Hall, to Monica's distress. Then Phoebe sees what she looks like wearing Monica's bridal veil.
    Phoebe: All right, but who cares? You know, I don't need a pretty veil and a fancy dress.
    Monica: That's right, you're making a commitment, and you know, that's the same whether you do it at the Plaza or...Where are you going to do it?
    Phoebe: City Hall.
    Monica: [pained] Oh! [Chandler elbows her] Oh, that sounds nice. Well, I was just there for jury duty. They really spruced that place up.
    Phoebe: Okay. No, it's okay. It's okay, it's okay. I made my decision. What I really want is a great big wedding. [gasps and covers mouth]
    Monica: Yay!
    Chandler: But you already gave all the money to charity.
    Phoebe: Well, I'll just ask for it back.
    Chandler: I don't think you can do that.
    Monica: Why not? This is her wedding day. That's way more important than some stupid kids.
    Chandler: That's sweet, honey, but save something for the adoption lady.

1011: TOW the Stripper Cries

  • Joey on Donnymid.
    • Inevitably, he proves to be completely useless as a cluegiver and especially as a guesser. The first word is "cream":
      Gene: You put this in your coffee.
      Joey: A spoon! Your hands! Your face!
      Gene: It's white.
      Joey: Paper! Snow! A ghost!
    • And then the new word is 'mayonnaise'.
      Gene: You put this on a sandwich.
      Joey: Salami! Anchovies! Jam!
      Gene: It's white.
      Joey: Paper! Snow! A ghost!
      Gene: It's made from eggs.
      Joey: Chickens!?
    • And later on:
      Joey: Why would there be a ghost in my fridge?

1012: TOW Phoebe's Wedding

  • Joey has been asked to walk Phoebe down the aisle, thus filling in as the "dad". He attempts to make small-talk with Mike's parents at the rehearsal dinner:
    Joey: Ah, our little ones are growing up fast, huh?
    Mike's Father: How's that?
    Joey: I mean on the one hand you're happy for them, but on the other hand it's hard to let go.
    Mike's Father: Who in God's name are you?
    Joey: Hey, I'm not too fond of you either, okay, buddy? But I'm just trying to be nice for the kids!
  • And later, when Monica (the wedding planner) is trying to tell Phoebe how to give her speech...in the middle of the speech, this is the final straw:
    Phoebe: Okay, okay, I, okay, I—MONICA I CAN'T DO IT LIKE THIS!! This is MY wedding! Okay, I don't want this (mimes Monica twirling her hands) or this (mimes Monica tapping her watch) or THIS (mimes Monica going "cut!"), okay?! I just wanted a simple wedding, WHERE MY FIANCE COULD GO TO THE BATHROOM ANYTIME HE WANTS!!!

1013: TOW Joey Speaks French

  • Rachel's dad recovering from a heart attack.
    Leonard: Hello, Ross. Get anymore of my daughters pregnant?
    Ross: No, no, just the one.
  • Joey trying to learn French. Yes, it makes him super dumb, more than he ever was, but his interactions with Phoebe the teacher, the voice on the self-learning tape and the director of the play are hilarious.
    Phoebe: Let's try it one syllable at a time. Okay, so repeat after me: Je.
    Joey: Je.
    Phoebe: M'a.
    Joey: M'a.
    Phoebe: Ppelle.
    Joey: Ppelle.
    Phoebe: Great! Okay, faster. Je.
    Joey: Je.
    Phoebe: M'a.
    Joey: M'a.
    Phoebe: Ppelle.
    Joey: Ppelle.
    Phoebe: Je m'appelle!
    Joey: Mi pou pooo!

1014: TOW Princess Consuela

  • Ross complains of Rachel meeting Mark again, and the two of them going out to dinner as friends (it is eventually revealed that he is now Happily Married with newborn twins). We get this from Chandler:
    Chandler: It's seven years ago. My time machine works!

1015: TOW Estelle Dies

  • Chandler and Monica are checking out a house, liking it well and are eager to buy it when they hear the person who's also checking it out...
    Janice: OH. MY. GOD!
    Chandler: ...Sure.
  • Janice wants to buy the house next door so they can be neighbors. The very idea is so horrific, Monica and Chandler do the only logical thing: make it seem like Chandler still has feelings for Janice and do a bad kiss to convince her it's a bad idea.
  • Phoebe pretends to be Estelle after she dies and calls Joey, who fires her. After Phoebe hangs up, she remarks "tough week for Estelle."
  • Phoebe calls Joey again - after he's found out Estelle died (Phoebe didn't know this). Joey thinks he's being contacted by Estelle's ghost - with Matt Le Blanc giving one of his best Eye Takes. Upon hanging up, the call is conveniently listed as "out of area".

1016: TOW Rachel's Going Away Party

  • Rachel says goodbye to everyone individually, reducing them all to tears. Except Joey.
    [Rachel and Joey are on the balcony, everyone else is inside watching.]
    Ross: God, I can't believe she saved me for last. Why are they taking so long?
    Phoebe: I dunno, but Joey seems to taking it surprisingly well.
    [As Rachel heads back inside, Joey turns and starts to get ready to jump off the balcony. Rachel pulls him back when everyone else runs forward to stop Joey.]

1017-18: The Last One

  • Chandler and Monica get a surprise about the child they are adopting just as the mother is about to give birth:
    Doctor: You know it's twins, right?
    Chandler: [both he and Monica are thunderstruck] Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know!
    [...]
    Monica: Chandler, you're panicking!
    Chandler: Uh huh! JOIN ME, won't you?!
  • Monica's way of reassuring Chandler?
    Monica: I don't care if it's two babies, I don't care if it's three babies! I don't care if the entire cast of Eight is Enough comes out of there!
  • Ross, in a mad dash to stop Rachel from moving to Paris, runs to the ticket counter at the airport and sprints through the twisty turny roped off line.
  • Then there's the entire "the left phalange is broken" sequence. It's an obvious Wild Card Excuse to get Rachel off the plane, and she sees right through the ruse...but the passenger next to her totally buys into it. Then it gets even funnier when the nonplussed flight attendant says that "there's no phalange!", which everyone takes to Exact Words and panics about even more. Everyone else on the plane starts panicking over this so-called "left phalange", with Phoebe's plan having Gone Horribly Right.
  • Monica handing the mover some money to get rid of the ceramic dog she's always loathed.
    Monica: If it fell off the truck, it wouldn't be the worst thing.

     Other 
Top

How well does it match the trope?

Example of:

/

Media sources:

/

Report