Funny / Friends Seasons 7 To 10

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Season 7

701: TOW Monica's Thunder

• Chandler wants sex advice:
  Chandler: Joe? Um... you've had a lot of sex, right?
  Joey: '[confused] When, today? [shrugs] Some... not a lot.
• Monica's reaction when she opens the door to see Ross and Rachel kissing in the hallway.
  Monica: I'm sorry, apparently, I've opened the door to the past!

703: TOW Phoebe's Cookies

• While Monica tries to work out the cookie recipe Phoebe muses about how happy her late grandmother must be that they're putting so much effort into this.
  Phoebe: I'll bet she's looking up at us and smiling right now.
  Ross: Looking up?
  Phoebe: Oh yeah — no, she was really nice to me, but she's in hell for sure.
• Shortly after this Monica realises that the "recipe" was actually just Nestle Tollhouse cookies and there's been a pack of them sitting in the kitchen the whole time. Monica tosses the package to Phoebe who agrees that that's the recipe and they've wasted two days.
  Phoebe: See, it is stuff like this which is why you're [looks down at the floor] BURNING IN HELL!
• When Rachel gets enough of Joey's slackery regarding his boat:

Rachel: Greens do not quit!
Joey: Greens? I'm a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis quit!
Rachel: Oh my God, wait did I—I just said Greens don't quit didn't I? (...) Oh God Joey, oh I'm my father. Oh my God, this is horrible! I've been trying so hard not to be my mother I did not see this coming.

• Which in turn leads to in The Tag...
  Joey: Careful! You're wasting good pastrami! (Gasps.) Oh my God! I'm my dad!

704: TOW Rachel's Assistant

• After Monica baits Chandler into telling her that Ross had an unfortunate incident on Space Mountain at Disneyland after an ill-advised binge at a "taco stand" (a guy with a hibachi operating out of the back of his car), Ross retaliates with the following story of a trip to Atlantic City:
  Ross: Well, Chandler and I were at a bar...
  Chandler: Did you not hear me say "DU-UDE"?!
  Ross: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after a while he goes over to her and after a minute or two I see them kissing... And I know what you're thinking: Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls...
  Monica: YOU KISSED A GUY?!?!
  Chandler: In my defense, it was dark, and he was a very pretty guy!
• And so the gloves are off and Chandler and Ross reveal embarrassing secrets about each other from their years at NYU:
  Ross: Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and won!
  Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried!

706: TOW the Nap Partners

• The episode's A plot sees Ross and Joey becoming "nap partners", meaning they are only able to take restful naps when snuggled up together. In The Tag, they wake up to find Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler, and Monica all standing in a row, staring at them with varying amounts of amusement and confusion. Neither Ross nor Joey feel like explaining themselves...
  Joey: [jumps off the sofa, feigning disgust] What the hell are you doing!? God! [stomps off to his bedroom]
  Ross: [gets up much more slowly, then gives the other four an embarrassed look] Excuse me... [leaves]

707: TOW With Ross' Library Book

• After Ross and Chandler catch two students in flagrante at the library:
  Chandler: You didn't bring me here to do that, did you?
• Monica is cooking at the diner when she's told a customer has a complaint and urges her to come on in. Monica is just putting a lobster into a pot when she hears...
  Janice: Oh. My. GOD!
  Monica: [to lobster] Lucky bastard.
• Janice hangs around dinner and drives the two nuts so Monica says that Chandler still has feelings for her. Janice leaves but says she'll be there when Chandler and Monica split up.
  Chandler: Our kids are going to call her Aunt Janice, aren't they?

709: TOW All the Candy

• Ross' "The bike is dying speech" especially the end when the seemingly unfazed Phoebe pleads for her bike not to die after Ross leaves.
• Joey participating in the mob demanding candy from Monica: "YEAH, LADY, GIVE US CANDY!"
  • Chandler shames the group for ruining what was supposed to be a neighborly gesture. His face when he repeats "Candy Lady" is priceless.
    Chandler: And I'll bet that not one of you can tell me her name. Am I right?
    Man: [beat] Candy lady?
    Chandler: No, not "Candy Lady"!
    Joey: [shoving the earlier man aside, knocking him to the floor] If we know it, can we have candy?!
    Chandler: All right, you know what? Forget it! All of you, forget it. You've ruined it. Go home. You ruined it. You've ruined it.
    Joey: [making his way to the door, as everyone leaves] Go on, you guys ruined everything! You ruined it!
  • With the crowd having been forcibly dispersed, Monica tells Chandler that someone slipped a threatening note under her door.
    Joey: [through a mouthful of candy] Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Mob mentality or whatever.

710: TOW the Holiday Armadillo

• Ross had to buy an armadillo costume because there were no Christmas costumes left at the store (in order to teach his son Ben about Hanukkah). Chandler then shows up dressed like Santa Claus:
  Ross: [dressed as the Holiday Armadillo] What are you doing here, Santa?
  Chandler: [dressed as Santa] Why I'm here to visit my old buddy Ben! What are you doing here? ... weird... turtle man?
  Monica: Ben, why don't you come over here and open some more presents while Santa, the Armadillo and I have a little talk in the kitchen. There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
• When Chandler prepares to return the Santa outfit:
  Monica: Hey. You think you can keep it another night? [Meaningful Look]
  Chandler: Santa? Really?
  Monica: Yeah, is that okay?
  Chandler: Did your... dad ever dress up as Santa?
  Monica: No.
  Chandler: [in his Santa voice] Then it's oh-kaaay!
• Chandler's attempt to explain to Ben why Santa has to leave: "Because if Santa and the Holiday Armadillo stay in the same room for too long, the universe will implode. [beat] Merry Christmas!"
• "My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt!" The smug look and nod on Joey's face here just makes it.
  Ross: The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part!
• When Rachel and Phoebe come in, and find the lights dimmed and Ross, Chandler and Joey all dressed in costumes:
  Rachel: Wow. It looks like the Easter Bunny's funeral in here.
  [...]
  Phoebe: Okay, I understand why Superman is here, but why is there a porcupine at the Easter Bunny's funeral?

711: TOW All the Cheesecakes

• A rare Chandler/Rachel subplot features them constantly swiping their neighbor's cheesecake and eating it for themselves, falling so in love with the taste that they eat it off of the floor after dropping it in the hallway. And when they're on the floor, Joey walks in on them. He stares down at them, before crouching to their level... while taking out a fork of his own and asking what they're having.
• In the Ross/Monica subplot, Ross has been invited to their cousin Frannie's wedding reception, but Monica hasn't, even though, as she repeatedly insists, she and Frannie were "inseparable" from the ages of 7-9. So she forces Ross to take her along as his "plus one", and decides to ambush Frannie to demand an explanation as to what she could possibly have done to be excluded from the guest list. Then she meets Frannie's new husband...
  Monica: Stuart!
  Frannie: I believe you know my husband.
  [Monica is left speechless, but her reaction makes it clear that Stuart is her ex]
  Ross: So it's really a question of who you could possibly have done.

712: TOW They're Up All Night

• "Deep Impact is the one with Robert Duvall. ''Armageddon is what will happen if you don't let me sleep."
• Ross and Joey going down the fire escape, with the latter's crotch getting uncomfortably close to the the former's face.
• Phoebe's fire alarm keeps going off, so she tries to shut it off but then it breaks, turning into a non-stop beep. She then puts it in a gym bag and throws it out, only for it to be returned by a cop because the gym bag had her name on it.
  • It gets better - she's told to just hit the reset button on it. So she does... except the reset button flew off the alarm when Phoebe smashed it with a shoe.

713: TOW Rosita Dies

• Monica looks over her childhood boxes and looks at a fuzzy thing, wondering what it was since it's so soft. Ross just says "I think it's a mouse" and Monica screams and throws it across the garage.
• Monica's things from her childhood get ruined because her dad puts her boxes in front of his Porsche to divert water when the garage flooded. Feeling guilty and wanting to make up for making Monica think that she was The Unfavorite, he gives her the Porsche. Ross's reaction makes the scene more than just a Heartwarming Moment.
  Monica: What?
  Ross: WHAT?!!
  [...]
  Ross: Whoa, w-w-wait-wait a minute! I mean a couple of stupid boxes get wet and she gets a PORSCHE?!
  Jack: Why don't we take it for a spin?
  Monica: Alright!
  Ross: Wh-what about me?! I'M A MEDICAL MARVEL!
• Phoebe gets a job as a telemarketer and the first person she calls (Earl, played by Jason Alexander) reveals he's contemplating suicide.
  • Without giving his name, Earl explains he's stuck in a meaningless office and that none of his co-workers know he exists.
    Phoebe: Chandler?
  • Earl proves his point that no one cares about him by publicly announcing his intention to kill himself and not a single person in the crowded office batting an eye.
  • Earl is about to hang up. Phoebe screams: "I'm not finished yet! Don't you dare hang up on me!" Her boss passes by and notes approvingly: "The new girl's good!"
  • Phoebe manages to track down where Earl works and gets into his office. When she asks a staffer for him, the person has no idea who she's talking about.
    Earl: [a few desks away] I'M RIGHT HERE!

714: TOW They All Turn Thirty

• The main plot involves Rachel, the youngest of the main six, turning 30.^note  In reality, Matthew Perry is the youngest of the group; he is six months younger than Jennifer Aniston. She isn't taking it well, and refuses to face her friends before Tag lays down the ground rules; one of the things they shouldn't say is "They still look pretty damn good", and Joey replies "They do!".
• The extremely inappropriate card Chandler gives her doesn't help Rachel's mood.
  • The message inside is bad enough...
    "Happy birthday, Grandma. It's better to be over the hill than buried under it."
  • ... but the capper is Monica's exasperated reaction:
    Monica: All you had to do was buy the card.
• Other funny moments from Rachel's birthday include Tag and Joey fighting over a scooter, as seen when Tag tries to flee on it after overhearing Rachel say she should already be with the person she is going to marry and Joey running after him shouting at him to stop hogging it.
• The episode also features flashbacks to the other characters' 30th birthdays.
  • We start with short scenes from first Joey, then Chandler turning 30. At both of their parties, Joey is crying hysterically about the "deals" he made with God to prevent him and the gang from aging not working.
  • Monica's 30th birthday gets a longer flashback:
    • The gang are throwing a formal, lavishly catered surprise party - with Jack and Judy Geller among the guests - only to find that Monica was taken out for drinks by the busboys at her restaurant and has returned home so blitz drunk she can barely stand. As her parents have never seen her drunk, they have to conceal her state from them as best they can. Phoebe (who loves "drunk Monica", finding her much more fun than "regular Monica") offers to divert the guests' attention by getting twice as drunk (which doesn't thrill Chandler, as "drunk Phoebe" is mean), while Chandler has to recruit Rachel to help Monica change into her party dress:
      Rachel: What's going on?
      Chandler: Monica's wasted.
      Ross: [bored] Maybe that'll liven up this party.
      Chandler: [to Rachel] Okay, will you just go help her get changed, please?
      Rachel: Okay, but taking care of a drunk, naked woman seems like a job for Joey... [heads to Monica's room]
      Joey: Yep. [starts walking toward Monica's room, but runs into Chandler's outstretched arm]
    • When Monica staggers out of her bedroom in her formal dress (Rachel describes it as like watching Bambi learning to walk), Phoebe's idea of distracting the other guests turns out to be clinking her glass and shouting "Speech!" - after all, everyone is looking at her instead of Monica, and, as she proudly tells Chandler, she didn't even have to remove her top. The spotlight (and Jack Geller's camcorder) now on Monica, she drops the charade and gleefully tells her parents "[their] little Harmonica is hammered!" - and not for the first time - and that she has also smoked a cigarette and is hiding a box of Ding-Dongs in her underwear drawer, but it's all right because she is now a grown-up and can do as she pleases - which at that moment apparently involves falling to the floor in a drunken stupor. All while Ross films the whole thing (having taken the camcorder from his shocked father). Phoebe then decides to go to her emergency backup diversion (even though there is no longer a secret from which to divert attention):
      Phoebe: [gesturing to the neck strap on her dress] Quick, help me get this off!
      Joey: [eagerly] Yeah! [starts untying the strap; Ross points the camcorder at them]
  • Phoebe's 30th birthday also gets a longer flashback as she tries to make up with Ursula, only to discover from Ursula's birth certificate (her own having been sold to a Swedish runaway) that her 30th birthday was a year ago; the Buffay sisters are actually 31.^note  In reality, Lisa Kudrow is the oldest of the main cast, having been born in 1963 compared to 1964 for Courteney Cox, 1966 for David Schwimmer, 1967 for Matt LeBlanc, and 1969 for Jennifer Aniston and Matthew Perry. She ruefully tells Joey that this means there are things she wanted to do before turning 31 but now hasn't, such as having the perfect kiss, meeting Portuguese people, and going to sniper school.
  • Ross has a midlife crisis on his 30th birthday and buys a vintage MG sports car - except he can't get it out of its parking spot because it's cornered front and rear. So he gets the gang to "Lift... and slide". It works about as well as you'd expect.

715: TOW Joey's New Brain

• Chandler and Monica's mortification when they hear Ross practicing his bagpipes across the street to give tribute to Chandler's Scottish roots during their wedding:
  Monica: Why is your family Scottish?!
  Chandler: Why is your family Ross?!
• When Chandler and Monica tell Ross that they could hear his bagpipe playing all the way from their apartment:
  Ross: Were you the ones who called the cops?
  Chandler: That's not really important right now. What's important is while we appreciate the gesture, we just don't feel that bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.
  Ross: Why not?
  Chandler: Because we hate them.
• Phoebe singing along as Ross plays the bagpipes. Her lyric is basically "EEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEE! EEEE! EEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Jennifer Aniston is trying her hardest not to laugh during that scene. Even funnier in the outtake, where she and the others can't stop laughing. In fact, if you look at the scene, Lisa Kudrow just can't seem to keep a straight face while "singing", either.
• Joey's soon-to-be Days of Our Lives ex-castmate, Cecilia Monroe (Susan Sarandon), is apparently very famous for slapping people in the face, to the point where Monica (who's a huge fan of her character) asks her to do it to her when they meet. She even tries to provoke her, then stick out the part of her face she wants to get slapped; Cecilia isn't fooled for a moment.
  Monica: Would you slap me? Would you slap me right here in the face? [points to her cheek]
  Cecilia: I'd love to, but my lawyer said I can't do that anymore.
  [...]
  Monica: [breaking away from Joey's attempt to bundle her and Rachel out of the apartment] Oh, wait, just one more thing! One more minute! [to Cecilia] Um, you're a stupid bitch! [stands with her face stuck out in prime slapping position]
  Cecilia: I really can't slap you. [Monica storms off]

716: TOW the Truth About London

• Monica and Chandler, hoping to guide Joey away from the terrible speech he's writing, suggest telling stories about them.
  Joey: Ooh! Ooh! Uh... okay! Maybe I'll talk about London, you know, when you two hooked up, only... only I won't say "hooked up." I'll say, "began their beautiful journey..."
  Monica: There you go.
  Joey: "... by doing it."
• Hypothesizing what would have happened if Joey and Monica had hooked up.
  Monica: Honey? Dinner's ready!
  [A massively overweight Joey waddles onto the screen]
  Joey: What's my little chef got for me, tonight?
  Monica: Your favorite!
  Joey: Hoo Hoo Hoo! Fried stuff with cheese!
• Rachel's awkward attempt at babysitting Ben includes this gem.
  Rachel: I was actually your daddy's girlfriend.
  Ben: But you're not anymore.
  Rachel: No, I'm not.
  Ben: 'Cause you guys were on a break.
  Rachel: Hey, we were not on a--! [catches herself]

717: TOW the Cheap Wedding Dress

• The scene where Rachel and Phoebe help Monica shop for her wedding dress during a sale.
• Ross tries to derail Joey as they compete for the attention of the same girl with a Continuity Nod:
  Ross: Were you on a poster for gonorrhea?

718: TOW Joey's Award

• Ross imitating a velociraptor when a student asks how the "high-pitched intimidating noise" the raptor used to scare its prey might have sounded.
• Joey during the award show, especially his reaction when he missed the award and his presentation on stage.

720: TOW Rachel's Big Kiss

• Rachel's old college friend revealing then denying her love for Rachel.
  Melissa: I'm obviously kidding. I'm not in love with you. I'm not in love with her. I don't hear coconuts banging together. You know, I don't... picture your face when I make love to my boyfriend.
• During her denial stage:
  Melissa: Maybe you did stuff to me while I was sleeping?
• Ross and Chandler are bickering about the celebrity tuxes they borrowed from Rachel's job at Ralph Lauren.
  • Chandler is wearing Pierce Brosnan's tux from a James Bond premiere while Ross goes with Val Kilmer's tux from what he believes is the Batman Forever premiere, which Chandler believes is Ross stealing his thunder.
    Chandler: Please don't take away my cool thing, pretty please?!
    Ross: 'Pretty please'? Not very 007!
    Chandler: Look, it's my wedding day, ok? If you were getting married, I would never do anything to upset you!
    Ross: When I got married, you slept with my sister.
    Chandler: [proudly] Now THAT was pretty 007!
  • So Chandler goes home to complain to Monica:
    Chandler: [entering the apartment to see Monica on the couch] Ross is Batman!
    Monica: Well, he did manage to keep his identity secret for a long time.
  • Then they find out Ross's tux was actually Val Kilmer's tux from the premiere of the romantic drama At First Sight, where Kilmer plays a blind man who falls in love and gets an operation to repair his sight:
    Chandler: Val Kilmer didn't wear this in Batman! He wore it to the premiere of some tooty-fruity love story where he played a blind guy!
    Ross: Let me see that! [grabs the premiere invitation Chandler found in the pocket] Oh, man!
    Chandler: The only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell!
  • Unfortunately for Chandler, his tux doesn't fit properly (Monica says the trousers were so tight, she could see "double-oh and seven" when he wore them), so he has to exchange it. After going through nearly two dozen tuxes, he finally finds one that fits, but his happiness is short-lived when Rachel admits that it was previously worn by... Diane Keaton.

722: TOW Chandler's Dad

• When Kathleen Turner first appears as Chandler's dad:
  Monica: [shocked that Chandler's dad looks like an attractive woman] That can't be your father.
  Chandler: Believe me, I've been saying that for years.
• Which made Jessica Rabbit appearing on Chandler's list (of women he's allowed to sleep with) a couple of seasons earlier absolutely HYSTERICAL in hindsight.^note  Kathleen Turner provided Jessica Rabbit's voice in the movie.
• When Chandler's dad ends his show bringing in dancers to sing "It's Raining Men", an ashamed Chandler notes he used to be a part of the number.

723-24: TOW Chandler and Monica's Wedding

• Chandler's parents insulting each other at the rehearsal dinner. His dad tells his mom (who is wearing a very low-cut dress and bulging out of it) that she's too old to be dressed like that. His mom tells his dad (who is wearing a plunging v-neck blouse and a skirt) that he has too much penis to be dressed like that.
• Joey gets cast in a movie and discovers his co-star is a Spitty Speaker who constantly sprays Joey in the face during their scenes. When Joey confronts him the other actor admits he knows he's doing it, and that it helps his performance to enunciate so much. Joey is impressed and decides to copy him. The next scene they film sees them spitting on every line. When the director calls "cut" they cheerfully congratulate each other on the great performances and grab towels off an assistant to wipe their faces.
• Rachel never met Chandler's dad, who is a Drag Queen, and mistakes a woman for him:
  Rachel: Hi! I'm Rachel! I'm a friend of Monica and Chandler's!
  Amanda: I'm Amanda.
  Rachel: Oh I get it! A man, duh!
• Rachel finally reaches a point where she's run out of distractions has no choice but to confess to Monica that Chandler's gotten cold feet run off, unaware the others found him.
  Rachel: Alright, the truth is, we can't find Chandler...
  ''Phoebe walks in and gives her a thumbs up
  Rachel: ...s vest. We can't find Chandler's vest.
  • And Monica actually looks on the verge of a panic attack after hearing that before Phoebe reassures her.

Season 8

801: TO After I Do

• Rachel silently pleads with Phoebe not to tell anyone that she's pregnant, so Phoebe tells them that she is. Lisa Kudrow's delivery of this line sells it:
  Phoebe: Yes. [beat] I am with child.
  • While Monica is getting mad at her for spreading a false rumor she was pregnant (she genuinely thought she was and Rachel let her think that to not shy away from finding Chandler) the photographer is still taking pictures. Monica finally loses her patience and says "Does this look like a moment I want to remember?"

802: TOW the Red Sweater

• Joey proposing to Phoebe who he believes is pregnant.
  Monica: Phoebe, I think he would notice when you didn't have a baby in nine months.
  Phoebe: It's Joey! (mouths "I love you" to Joey and he smiles)
• After Joey is told that Rachel, not Phoebe, is pregnant, he reveals to Monica and Phoebe that a month earlier, an unidentified man spent the night with Rachel and left a red sweater behind; Phoebe recognises it as a sweater Rachel's ex-boyfriend Tag used to wear and invites him to Central Park to reveal the truth, only for him to reveal that he is wearing his red sweater. Then Ross and Chandler show up after having mistakenly believed they lost the disposable cameras from Chandler and Monica's wedding and taken photos of themselves at another wedding, and as Ross turns to leave... well, the best part of what follows is Joey's massively Delayed Reaction.
  Ross: Hey, my sweater! [picks up the red sweater; the studio audience cheers] I've been looking for this for like a month! [leaves]
  Monica, Phoebe: Oh my God!
  [very long pause as Joey smiles and nods... and finally gets a shocked look on his face]
  Joey: OH MY GOD!

803: TOW Rachel Tells Ross

• Chandler was not told about Ross getting Rachel pregnant because he Cannot Keep a Secret.
  Chandler: I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of your secrets.
  Joey: What secrets?
  Chandler: Oh, no, no, Joey! I'm not going to tell you, because I am an excellent secret keeper. [[Monica and Phoebe leave]]
  Joey: Psst! You tell me later?
  Chandler: You already know.
• Rachel telling Ross that's she's pregnant results in Stunned Silence.
  Rachel: Ross. [no answer] Ross? [Beat] Okay, whenever you're ready. [leans back and opens a magazine]
  The show goes to commercial, and comes back to find him still staring openmouthed and Rachel finishing the magazine
• Ross reveals Rachel is pregnant despite a condom:
  Ross: I just found out that condoms are only, like, 97% effective.
  Joey: What.
  Ross: I gotta go find her. [starts to leave]
  Joey: Whoa! Hey! Whoa!! Hold up! Are you serious?! So like 3% of the time they don’t even work?! Huh? They should put that on the box!
  Ross: Evidently they do.
  Joey: WHAT?! [grabs a huge roll of condoms from his pocket to look] Well I'll be...

804: TOW the Videotape

• Ross denies that he's a pervert for accidentally shooting himself and Rachel having sex.
  Ross: Okay, listen, I am not a pervert.
  Phoebe: That's, like, the pervert motto. Yeah, you have to raise your right hand, put your left hand down your pants and repeat that.
• Rachel shows a video purportedly of Ross begging her to get it on on the night she got pregnant, only to be humiliated when the video proves that she was the one who came on to him - and that everyone knows about her technique involving 'the hike on her vacation in Europe', and that Joey started it.
  Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy!
  Joey: [raises hand] Some guy! [points to self]
  Rachel: No, no, she said his name was Ken Adams!
  Joey: [raises hand and points to himself again] Ken Adams!

806: TOW the Halloween Party

• Ross, dressed as "Spud-nik", being mistaken as "Doodie" by Joey during the Season 8 Halloween episode. All the better because Joey ticks him off so much that Ross actually waddles over to beat Joey up (only being stopped when Chandler holds him back).
  Joey: What's Sputnik, Doodie-man?

808: TOW the Stripper

• Monica accidentally hires a hooker instead of a stripper for Chandler's (belated) bachelor party. Meanwhile, Rachel's father finds out that Ross got Rachel pregnant, and goes to confront him when he's with his new girlfriend, Mona:
  Dr. Green: You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?! I’m gonna kill you!
  Ross: Y’know this is actually not a great time for me.
  [cut to commercial; cut back from commercial]
  Dr. Green: So? Come on! Explain yourself Geller! First you get my Rachel pregnant!
  Mona: You got Rachel pregnant?!
  Ross: Who did?!
  Dr. Green: You did!
  Ross: Yes. Yes, yes I did. (To Mona) But-but it was, it was just a one night thing. It meant nothing.
  Dr. Green: Oh? Really? That’s what my daughter means to you? Nothing?
  Ross: No! No sir umm, she means a lot to me. I mean, I care—I-I love Rachel.
  Mona: What?!
  Ross: (to Mona) Oh but not that way. I mean... I mean I'm not in love with her. I love her like a, like a friend.
  Dr. Green: Oh really? That’s how treat a friend? You get her in trouble and then refuse to marry her?
  Ross: (to Dr. Green) Hey! I offered to marry her!
  Mona: Wha...
  Ross: (To Mona) But I didn’t want to.
  Dr. Green: Well why not? So you can spend your time with this tramp?!
  Mona: Tramp?!
  Ross: I'm sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.
• The scene cuts to Chandler and Joey who don't know what to do about the hooker, than back to Ross:
  Mona: How could you have kept all of this from me?
  Ross: I was going to tell you, but...
  Dr. Green: But what?! You figured you’d get what you wanted and then dump her like you dumped Rachel!
  Ross: Hey! I did not dump Rachel! (To Mona) Nor are we still together. (The phone rings and Ross goes to answer it, only he's trapped behind the apothecary table by Dr. Green) Can I just... (Dr. Green glares at him) Why don't we just let the machine get that?
  Joey: (on machine) Hey Ross. It's Joey. There's a hooker over here and we thought maybe you'd know something about it.
  (Mona and Dr. Green just stare at Ross)
  Ross: (horrifed) No! No! NO! NO! NO! I-I-I-I—I need to, I need to lie down.

809: TOW the Rumor

• Both the title rumor and all related implications.
  Monica: You started that?!
  Rachel: What?! You heard that?!
  Monica: Everyone at our school heard it!
  Chandler: Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?!
• The gang finding out about Ross' affair with his elderly high school librarian.
  Ross: The eyes... did still sparkle...
• Rachel reading the note left in her yearbook
  Rachel: "Dear Rachel you are such a great person", not girl, person
  Ross: Rachel, I think you're reading a little too much into it.
  Rachel: Dear Rachel you're such a great person, sorry about your teeny weenie.
  (Will cracks up)
• Joey arriving with elastic pants (where it's clear that Brad Pitt is cracking up).

810: TOW Monica's Boots

• Phoebe discovers that Sting and Trudie Styler's son Jack is a classmate of Ross' son Ben. As she wants tickets to Sting's sold out concert, she tries to get Ross to use this connection to get tickets, but it emerges that Jack made fun of Ben for having lesbian parents. So Phoebe goes to the school and fools their teacher into thinking she's Susan (she had already met Carol), gets Jack's parents' contact information, and arranges a meeting at their apartment, helping herself to a pen and checking the books in a bookcase in the hope of triggering a secret passageway while she waits.^note  It is sometimes claimed that Sting was scheduled to appear but had to bow out, but Sting denies this as he was on tour at the time and wouldn't have been available anyway. Trudie Styler later joked that Lisa Kudrow never did return the pen! But Phoebe being Phoebe, it isn't long before the charade collapses...
  Phoebe: Um, I'm sorry, won't- won't Jack's father be joining us?
  Trudie: No.
  Phoebe: I see. Yeah - you see, I think it will be better for the children, y'know, if all the parents were here. Y'know. Except for, y'know, Ben's birth mother and father.
  Trudie: Oh, I'm sorry, Jack's father is not available.
  Phoebe: Mm-hmm... okay. Well, then could we re-schedule? For, say, Friday night perhaps, at 8:00?
  Trudie: Oh, no, I know that wouldn't work, my husband's in concert.
  Phoebe: Concert! Yeah... that does put us in... quite a pickle. Because, y'see, I'm very busy before and after the concert, and he's obviously busy during!
  Trudie: So... I guess you and I should talk about Jack and Ben right now.
  Phoebe: Unless!... unless, um... okay, I, I would be willing to go to the concert... um, all the while thinking about the children, of course.
  Trudie: [outraged] Are you here for tickets!?
  Phoebe: [missing the darkening of Trudie's tone] Oh, thank you! Four would be great.
  Trudie: I'm not giving concert tickets to someone who'd... use their son like this!
  Phoebe: Oh! The-then, you're in luck, Ben's not my son!
  Trudie: [jumping to her feet and pressing a button under the end table] Look. I've just pressed a button, triggering a silent alarm. Any minute now, the police will be here!
  Phoebe: The Police, here?? A reunion? [digs her camera out of her handbag]
• Chandler, as per usual, has some great zingers in this episode, but the scene where he's giving Monica a piggyback ride (her new boots having been so painful to wear that she can't walk after an evening of dancing at Chandler's office holiday party) takes the cake.
  Monica: Oh, wait! Stop, stop, stop!
  Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry! Do you need a break?
  Monica: My boots in tan! Hey, can you get a little closer so I can see the price?
  Chandler: I can see it from right here. It'll cost you one husband.
  Monica: Okay, I’m sorry. I think I can walk the rest of the way now. Just-Just give me my boots.
  Chandler: ...I don't have your boots.
  Monica: Well, I don't have them either. Where are they?
  Chandler: Well, why don't you check in one of my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay?!
• When Monica notices that the tan boots are half-off, Chandler just starts running home with Monica still on his back.
• In The Tag, Ross reveals to Phoebe that he was able to get two tickets to Sting's concert after all, and we learn that Phoebe's ill-advised meeting with Trudie Styler had legal consequences:
  Phoebe: Ooh, where are the seats?
  Ross: Middle balcony.
  Phoebe: Okay, now would you say that's more than fifty yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family?
  Ross: [confused] Yeah...
  Phoebe: [delighted] Then that's not breaking the law! I'm there!

812: TOW Joey Dates Rachel

• Phoebe gives Chandler and Monica a Ms. Pac-Man machine as a wedding gift, and Chandler fills the entire high score board with obscene words - playing so much Ms. Pac-Man in the process that his hand gets locked into a claw formation.
  Chandler: My hand is messed up!
• Since Ben is coming to visit the next day and Monica doesn't want her seven-year-old nephew learning obscenities from an arcade machine, she tries to beat Chandler's highest score ten times without success. Fortunately, Phoebe is rather more skilled at the game, and clears nine obscene names off the high score board (though not before seeing the names and saying "Oh my God! Your friends have some unfortunate initials!"). However, she loses her last life when she is just a few points away from clearing the tenth obscene name off the board... and explodes into a torrent of profanity just in time for Ross to arrive with Ben. The funniest parts are the collective reactions of Ross, Ben, Chandler, and Monica, coupled with the soundtrack switching to an opera in French.
  Phoebe: NO! YOU SON OF A B[ITCH, MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE!] [the soundtrack switches to opera for the part in brackets, while the video switches to slow motion. Ross' jaw drops, and he quickly covers Ben's ears, while Chandler covers his own ears and Monica Facepalms]
  Ross: PHOEBE!
  Phoebe: [stops swearing and turns around] Oh, hi Ben! NO, DON'T LOOK AT THE MACHINE! [covers the screen]

813: TOW Chandler Takes a Bath

• When Rachel and Ross discuss potential baby names, Phoebe chimes in with, "If it's a girl, Phoebe. If it's a boy, Phoebo." Later, Rachel asks her OB/GYN, "You could tell us whether it's a boy or a girl? Dayton or Sandrine? Phoebe or Phoebo?" The doctor then gets beeped and leaves the room. On her way out the door, she turns around and adds, "I know it's really not my place, but please don't name your child Phoebo."
• After the doctor leaves:
  Rachel: [looking at board full of photographs] So, which of these babies do you think is the ugliest?
  Ross: What?! Rach, come on. That's terrible. They're, uh, they're babies. They're all beautiful.
  Rachel: Third one from the left?
  Ross: Yeah, why is it staring at me? I think it knows I'm talking about it.
• After Ross thinks Rachel snuck a look at the sex of the baby:
  "Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you!"

814: TOW the Secret Closet

• Joey catches Chandler trying to get into the closet at the back of the apartment and immediately joins in trying to get it open. When none of the keys work, Joey makes a new suggestion:
  Joey: Oh, do you have a bobby pin?
  Chandler: Yeah. (runs his hands through his hair) Oh, wait, I'm not a nine-year-old girl.
  Joey: Then why do you throw like one?
  Chandler: Maybe Monica has one. (heads to the bathroom)
  Joey: Sure, "Monica"
• When Chandler finally opens the door (by taking it off the hinges), revealing a ton of disorganized junk. Chandler relishes teasing Monica over it:
  Chandler: [looking at closet] Oh my god!
  Monica: [gasps] How did you get in there?!
  Chandler: [with a goofy grin on his face] He-he-he-he-he, you're messy!
  Monica: No, you weren't supposed to see this!
  Chandler: I married Fred Sanford!
  Monica: No, Chandler, you don't understand—-
  [Chandler begins scatting the Sanford and Son theme]

815: TOW the Birthing Video

• Chandler's dawning horror as what he thought was a porn video turns out to be a birthing video.
  Chandler: Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever! [grabs remote and starts pushing buttons]
  Candi: Ohhh, make it stop!!!
  Chandler: I am trying!
• As you might imagine, Chandler's rather turned off. Monica tries to bring him around.
  Monica: Chandler, we can't let this tape wreck Valentine's Day.
  Chandler: You don't know. You didn't see it.
  Monica: Childbirth, it's a natural thing. It's beautiful.
  Chandler: Oh, beautiful? Really? Oh, really? You think this is beautiful? [starts video again]
  Monica: [watches in horror as Candi screams] Oh, my God. No wonder my mother hates me.
  Chandler: See, honey, [puts hand on Monica's leg] there's—
  Monica: Don't touch me!
• This:
  Chandler: Up till now, the worst thing I ever saw was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy. After this, I would gladly make that my screensaver.
  Monica: We have to get past this. Why don't we just get rid of the tape and pretend it never existed?
  Chandler: I could do that. All right. [puts tape under the cushion of the armchair] Okay, now all we gotta do is get rid of the chair.
• After Rachel comes in:
  Monica: Rach, you know that birthing tape that you wanted to see? It's here.
  Chandler: Oh, and we should warn you, before you watch it...don't watch it.
  Rachel: Why? You saw it? Is it scary?
  Chandler: Well, let's just say that it's ironic how footage of someone being born can make you want to kill yourself.
  Rachel: Well...well, now wait. I'm all freaked out. Come on, you guys will watch it with me.
  Monica: No, but I will leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you.

816: TOW Joey Tells Rachel

• Monica telling Ross how freaked out Joey is.
  Monica: He's talking about moving to Vermont.
  Ross: Why?
  Monica: He says he wants to leave the country.

817: TOW the Tea Leaves

• Chandler's line: "I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
• Phoebe's weird date.
  Jim: I write erotic novels... for children.
  Phoebe: What?
  Jim: They're wildly unpopular.
  Phoebe: Oh my God!
  Jim: Also, you might be interested to know that I have a Ph.D.
  Phoebe: Wow, you do?
  Jim: Yep, a pretty HUUUGE—
  Phoebe: Alright. (leaves)

820: TOW the Baby Shower

• Ross and a reluctant Chandler agree to help Joey learn the rules to a Game Show he's auditioning for by playing through a game. Ross immediately gets into playing, even refusing to talk to Chandler between questions as contestants shouldn't speak to each other. Chandler snarks about the whole thing until he stumbles on a mechanic that allows him to steal all of the points Ross has earned so far. Suddenly Chandler is a lot more engaged.
  Chandler: This game's kind of fun!
  Ross: You don't think it's a little crazy you get all of my points just because you...
  Chandler: I don't think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other.
  • When the episode cuts back to them some time later they're all fully drawn in by the game with Chandler yelling his answers and Ross eagerly getting out of his seat to earn the "hopping bonus". As things reach fever pitch Chandler decides to "pick a Google card" which, somehow, makes him instantly lose the game. He doesn't seem too upset about this though.
    Joey: (reading the script) Oh my god! Congratulations Ross, because Chandler, you've been Bamboozled!
    Chandler: NOOO!
    Ross: YEAH!
    Chandler: This is the BEST GAME EVER!
  • When Joey arrives at the audition the producer informs him that testing revealed the game was too complicated for audiences to follow.
    Producer: It's basically just a simple question and answer game now.
    Joey: Well what's fun about that? You expect me to be the host of a boring game that's just people standing around answering questions?
    Producer: There'll be women in bikinis holding up the scores.
    Joey: (turns to the camera and adopts his Game Show Host voice) Let's play Bamboozled!

821: TOW the Cooking Class

• Rachel jealous over a girl showing interest in Ross:
  Rachel: Horny bitch. (Ross and the girl look at her. Rachel pretends to play with the toys she's carrying) "No, you're a horny bitch!" "No, you're a horny bitch!"
• Phoebe's thoughts on the matter:
  "Well, the idea—a woman flirting with a single man? We must alert the church elders!"

822: TOW Rachel is Late

• Rachel and Ross are at the OB/GYN, and are having a discussion over the fact that Rachel has been quite irritable because her due date has passed already. Ross comes up with this great line.
  Ross: You know, we should ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half PURE EVIL!
• The doctor suggests several things that might help induce labor. The last one is sex. Rachel gives Ross a hopeful look, whereupon he says, "You've got to be kidding me!"
• Rachel tries to convince Ross to have sex with her:
  Rachel: Oh come on Ross, we’ve done it before we’ll do it again, it’ll be a nice way to bookend the pregnancy.
  Ross: This is insane, I’m not gonna make love to you just so that you’ll go into labor.
  Rachel: Make love? What are you a girl?
  Ross: Always a great way to get in a man’s pants.
  Rachel: But you will, you will be performing a service. Okay? Just- just think of me as a ketchup bottle, y’know you sometimes you have to bang on the end of it just to get something to come out.
  Ross: I love when you talk dirty to me.

823: TOW Rachel Has a Baby, Part I

• Rachel has had enough of this being-in-labor business, since she's been at it for seventeen hours:
  Nurse (to patient offscreen): This room's available!
  Rachel: Okay, okay! Wait! You listen to me! You listen to me, since I have been waiting, four women, that's four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! I'm next! It's my turn! It's only fair! And if you bring in one more woman and she has her baby before me, I'm going to sue you! Not this hospital, I'm gonna sue you! And my husband, he is a lawyer!
  Ross: Uh, Rach—
  Rachel: You get back on that case, honey!
  Nurse: I don't think the next patient is very far along.
  Rachel (exasperatedly): Okay, well then, bring her in.
• That next patient, naturally, is Janice.
  Janice: I mean this is so great, we're gonna be baby buddies! [signature laugh]
  Ross [muttering to Rachel]: Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby's ears.

824: TOW Rachel Has a Baby, Part II

• Monica and Chandler are finally about to have sex in the private room next to Rachel's (Chandler ponders about telling Rachel there's a private room available, but an increasingly desperate Monica says no) when Janice's laugh comes through the adjoining wall.
  Monica: Does that sound like Janice?
  Chandler: If it’s not, then there’s two of them. And that would mean it’s the end of the world!
• The gang is appalled to meet Janice at the hospital giving birth at the same time as Rachel:
  Chandler: Weirdest thing. Did I hear-(A nurse opens the privacy screen and Chandler sees Janice)-Mother of God it's true!
  Janice: Chandler Bing!
  Chandler: Jan-Janice!
  Ross: Not just Janice, Janice in labor, contracting and everything.
  Janice: Oh, this should be easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember, Chandler.
  Chandler: Janice, I didn't even know you were pregnant! Who's the unwitting human whose essence you've stolen?
  Janice: It's you. This is yours.
  Chandler: What?!
  Janice: (laughs) Look how nervous he gets! We haven’t slept together in years! (Laughs again.)
  Chandler: That's funny. Does it-does it hurt? Does the labor hurt?
• When after five 'roommates' Rachel finally gets good enough to deliver, she makes sure to brag "Ha-ha-ha beat ya! Sucker!" to the next one entering the room.
• A hormonal Rachel can't stop crying because she's so sleep deprived.
  Rachel: So? You guys are all sleep deprived. I don’t see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong feet. Oh God... (starts crying again)
  Joey: What’s the matter now?
  Rachel: (wails) I was reliving it!
• While the audience don't get to see him, Janice's son is apparently quite interesting looking.
  Rachel: (horrified gasp) Wow! He kinda takes your breath away doesn't he?
  Ross: (after Janice has left) Man! Did you see the kid on that nose?

Season 9

902: TOW Emma Cries

• Joey tries to apologise to Ross for accidentally making Rachel think he was proposing to her using Ross' grandmother's ring. He just makes things worse:
  • Joey doesn't understand the concept of "air quotes". When Ross tells him he's misusing them while apologising for "accidentally" (Ross' own air quotes) proposing to Rachel, Joey simply holds his fingers nearer to his face.
  • And immediately after that, Joey tries to get Ross to throw a punch at him to square things for the whole proposal mix-up with Rachel. It doesn't end well for Ross.
    Ross: WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!!
  • And the whole time, Gunther is watching what Ross is being put through and smiling.

903: TOW The Pediatrician

• Both Rachel discovering Ross still goes to the pediatrician, and Ross trying to cover this up in his next visit.

904: TOW the Sharks

• Joey tries to pick up a girl at Central Perk by pretending to be really awkward around women, and Gunther can't help but give a smug, sarcastic laugh (sounding more like a Saying Sound Effects Out Loud version, "Ha!", than a real laugh) at every blatant lie Joey gives.
• Because Chandler switched the channel away from the porn he was watching as Monica walked in, she gets the mistaken idea he has a shark fetish, and goes to great lengths to be supportive of this, to his increasing confusion.
  Monica: Sweetie, it's okay. It's okay. I still love you. Let me be a part of this.
  Chandler: Let me be a part of this!

905: TOW Phoebe's Birthday Dinner

• This gem when Rachel is panicking about accidentally leaving Emma locked in Ross' apartment.
  Rachel: What if she jumped out the bassinet?
  Ross: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jumped.
  Rachel: Oh my God, I left the water running!
  Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?
  Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on?
  Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996!
  Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there!
  Ross: Oh my God, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think...listen. A pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an EAGLE flew in. Landed on the stove, and caught fire! The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression, and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a DEATH GRIP, swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment!!
  • And Rachel's reaction to this speech is the icing on the cake.
    Rachel: (Beat) Boy, you're gonna be sorry if that's true.
  • And Rachel's fear of a bird flying into the apartment could be a Call-Back to "TOW Phoebe's Husband" way back in Season 2 - where a pigeon really did fly into the apartment.
• Rachel can't leave Emma at home so she has Ross's mother bring her to the restaurant with them. She stops in the middle of a toast to signal that Emma dropped her sock, leading to...
  Phoebe: Oh, for God's sake, Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! PICK UP THE SOOOCK!
• And shortly after this she gives her friends a verbal put-down and makes a dramatic exit before calling "Judy, bye!" and getting a drunken wave from her in response.

906: TOW the Male Nanny

• Phoebe is happily holding hands with Mike at Central Perk, but discovers that she needs two hands to open the sugar for her coffee. Mike offers to let go, but Phoebe simply moves his hand to her breast to maintain contact while she adds the sugar to her coffee, then takes his hand back without another word.
• Monica can't see how Phoebe finds David sexually attractive, but Phoebe has the perfect burn to counter her skepticism:
  Phoebe: I was just...I was looking...I was looking in his eyes and I was just thinking, "Oh my God! It's David. David's here." He's just, he's so irresistible.
  Monica: (leans forward, confused) Really? The scientist guy?
  Phoebe: Really? Chandler?
  Monica: (considers, nods, leans back) Continue...
• In the extended version of the episode, when the gang tries fake laughing at Chandler's joke Ross at one makes what can only be described as a high-pitched squeal, one that even gets Matthew Perry to start breaking character.

907: TOW Ross' Inappropriate Song

• Phoebe meets Mike's parents.
• Joey considers moving into Richard's old apartment, but while over there, he and Chandler find a tape with Monica's name on it.
  Joey: Ooh, a tape with a girl's name on it. It's probably a sex tape. Wait a minute, this says "Monica." And this is Richard's apartment. [keeps trying to figure out what it means]
  Chandler: Get there faster!
  [Joey finally figures it out and screams]

908: TOW Rachel's Other Sister

• Rachel's charming sister comes back upset from her phone call on Thanksgiving.
  Amy: My boyfriend canceled on me. I mean, I...I finally find a real relationship, I mean, someone that I can spend this day with, and then his wife comes back into town. I swear, it's almost not even worth dating married guys.
  Ross: Don't say that.

913: TOW Monica Sings

• Ross comes in all heated over Rachel kissing Gavin.
  Ross: [outraged] Look, can we, can we talk about what happened here last night?
  Chandler: Sure, just give me a second to get all huffy and weird like you. Ahem. [outraged] Do you believe that whoever did something over here last night did what they did or didn't do? I mean, come on!

914: TOW The Blind Dates

• The Running Gag of people asking Ross if he was stood up or if his date came in, saw what he looked like, and left.

915: TOW The Mugging

• Monica can get a little baby-happy at times, even when it's embarrassing:
  Chandler: (Enters, excited) Guys, guys, I've got great news! Guess what...
  Joey: Uh...Monica's pregnant?!
  Monica: (Excitedly turns to look at Joey) Really? (She looks around, then shrinks in her seat in embarrassment) Let's get past the moment.

916: TOW the Boob Job

• Joey doesn't think Rachel can baby proof the apartment by herself.
  Rachel: You don't think women can do this?
  Joey: Women can; you can't.
  Rachel: Monica, please tell Joey he's being a pig.
  Monica: You're a pig. [to Rachel] And you can't do this.
• Ross doesn't approve of Phoebe calling him "Divorce-O." "If you're going to call me anything it should be Ross the Divorcer. It sounds cooler." Later, he runs "Ross the Divorce Force" past Mike, who thinks is cool.
• After the apartment is baby-proofed, Joey can't get anything opened at all. When he finally gets the fridge door opened in The Tag, he grabs everything he can in case he can't open it again.

917: TOW the Memorial Service

• The episode's A plot revolves around a back and forth between Ross and Chandler editing each other's profiles on the NYU alumni website getting out of hand. It starts with Chandler changing Ross' profile to claim he has sex with dinosaurs (Ross almost seems more offended by the anatomical impossibility of this than by the implication that he is a sexual deviant) and gets funnier from there.
  • Chandler tries to take revenge on Ross for editing his profile to claim he was "gay as the day is long".
    Monica: What are you going to do?
    Chandler: OH YOU'LL SEE MY FRIEND!
  • He writes that Ross died watching blimps.
    Ross: I'm DEAD?!
    Chandler: (faking sympathy) And so young!
    Ross: Posting that I died, that really isn't funny!
    Chandler: Well, how you died was funny.
    Ross: Oh, please. "Hit by a blimp?"
    Chandler: It kills over one Americans every year!
  • Ross finds that no one cared enough to post anything his supposed death. When Chandler notes that a website isn't the proper venue to express grief, Ross sets up a sudden memorial at Chandler and Monica's apartment to milk some sympathy. Attendance is so bad that the first guy to show up is actually there for the supposedly gay Chandler and thinks Monica is actually a man.
    Ross: I'm dead and no one cares?
    Monica: I look like a man?
    Chandler: Please, one ridiculous problem at a time!
    Ross: This isn't ridiculous. Look around. No one's here.
    Chander: You gave them one day's notice. Not everyone in our class checks the website every day. And, Monica, it's probably the way you stand!
    [Monica adjusts her posture]
  • The one person who does show up for Ross is Kori Weston, an attractive woman that Chandler remembers.
    Chandler: Chandler, Chandler Bing. And I'm not gay. I'm not gay at all.
    Monica: You are married, though.
    Chandler: [to Kori] Don't listen to him. He's in a really bad mood.

918: TOW the Lottery

• This gem.
  Monica: Hey, you just got in here five minutes ago!
  Ross: THREE minutes ago! ...I don't know why that was important.
• After a meal, they break the wishbone and Joey makes a wish. The gang doesn't win the lottery, but Chandler does get offered a better job than the one he had been applying for. Joey says he used his wish for that and Chandler thanks him before saying:
  Chandler: Listen, don't tell Monica or she'll rip your heart right out.
  [Joey nods]
• One of the many great Ross lines in this episode:
  Ross: You know what, I'm sure your wish is gonna come true, but, you guys, just in case, maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp!
  (rubs a nearby lamp)
  Ross: AAAAAAAAH! THAT THING GETS HOT!
• The two times Phoebe talks as if she was the pigeon who made her drop the lottery tickets. And during one Joey is looking for the bird...

919: TOW Rachel's Dream

• Joey invites Rachel to come watch him on the set of Days of Our Lives.
  Joey: You just have to promise not to get yourself thrown out again.
  Rachel: That was an honest mistake.
  Joey: Right. "Oh, my God. Is this the men's room? I feel so foolish. [cranes neck to look at ass] Have you always known you wanted to be an actor?"
  Rachel: [breaks into a shit-eating grin] Yeah, that was an awesome day.
• Chandler and Ross' trip to Vermont, where Ross tries to take as many of the hotel's amenities as possible. The opening bit with Ross on a sugar high from eating too much maple candy is also a real gem.
  Chandler: Look, they are totally ripping us off!
  Ross: Dude, don't worry about it, I know how we can make your money back. This is a nice hotel y'know, plenty of amenities, we just load up on those. Like those apples, instead of taking one, um, I take six!
  Chandler: Great. At $100 an apple we're there!
  Ross: C'mon, y-you get the idea, you know? W-we'll make our money back in no time.
  Chandler: Dude, you're shaking!
  Ross: I-I think it's the sugar, can you hold the apple?

920: TOW The Soap Opera Party

• Rachel discovers that Joey lied to her and the rest of the friends about not being able to attend certain yearly events, as he was actually partying with the Days Of Our Lives cast without their knowledge.
  Rachel: [gasps] That's why you got us tickets to that play, to get rid of us!
  Joey: Yeah...
  Rachel: Ugh! And last year, was that why you sent us to that medieval times restaurant?
  Joey: Yeah...
  Rachel: [gasps] And the year before that when you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory?!
  Joey: [chuckling] I can't believe you guys went for that one.
• The play Joey got them all tickets to was a one-woman show where the woman rants about how horrible her life was. Most of the friends discover the party and head to that instead, but they forget to tell Chandler. He ends up alone in the front row taking the brunt of the woman's ire. When he comes back, he claims it was an eye-opening experience. Then in The Tag he gets Phoebe and Monica to join him at another showing, only to ditch them and laugh about getting his revenge.

923-24: TO in Barbados

• Chandler accidentally infecting Ross' laptop with a virus while looking for porn.
  Ross: Nude photos of Anna Kournikova? She's never even won a major tournament!
• The Running Gag of Monica's hair getting extra volume from the humidity. Phoebe compares her to Diana Ross and Roseanne Rosannadanna, and by the end of the episode, her hair is sticking out sideways past her shoulders.
  [during an ultra competitive ping pong game between Mike and Monica]
  Chandler: You really find this attractive on him?
  Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Are y-you telling me you're not even a, a little turned on by Monica right now?
  [Chandler looks at Monica, whose hair is sticking ever further out, as she wipes sweat off her forehead with her forearms and then sniffs her underarm]
  Chandler: ... I think this is the first time in our marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one.
  Phoebe: All right, c'mon, Mike, you can beat her! Knock that dog off her head!
  Monica: [misses Mike's shot, handing him another point] Ugh! Dammit!
  Phoebe: [proudly] I sleep with him!
  Mike: [spreads his arms, soaking up Phoebe's adoration] Game - point.
  Monica: Don't get too cocky! Remember, I won the last one. Oh - by the way, how did that feel, losing to a girl?
  Mike: You know, you should really look in the mirror before you call yourself that.
• Chandler tries to put an end to the competition.
  Chandler: You've each won a game, and I've lost what's felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner.
  Monica: Best out of three?
  Mike: That's what I'm thinking.
  Chandler: Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil?

Season 10

1001: TO After Joey Kisses Rachel

• Continuing the insults on Monica's frizzy hair...
  Monica: Wait a minute... Ross and Charlie, Joey and Rachel, Phoebe and Mike! We're the only people leaving with the same person we came with.
  Chandler: That's not true. I came with Monica and I'm leaving with Weird Al.
  Monica: Okay, I've had it with the hair jokes. Tomorrow morning, before we leave, I'm going to the salon.
  Chandler: Okay Buckwheat!

1002: TOW Ross is Fine

• Everything that a drunken Ross says and does in this episode. Highlights include...
  • "The only thing weird would be if someone didn't like Mexican food, because I'm making FAJITAS!"
  • "I can use ALL THESE THINGS!"
  • "I'm gonna go make a pitcher of margaritas!"
  • "Let's take a TRIP!"
  • "MY FAJITAS!"
  • Ross carrying a frying pan without oven mitts on.
  • And of course, Ross' toast, which transitions into a hilarious speech about love.
  • "I'm sorry; it must be the pressure of entertaining!"
• Ross walks in on Joey and Rachel making out. Rachel panics and insists they weren't kissing, and has to be reminded by Joey that Ross saw them.
• Phoebe directs Monica and Chandler to friends of hers who adopted so they can get some advice. Chandler meets the other couple's son and, not knowing he didn't know, mentions the reason they're there. Comes The Tag, when Phoebe is babysitting her nephew and nieces:
  Monica: Hey, Pheebs, we just want to give you a heads up. Bill and Colleen hate us.
  Chandler: Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him.
  Phoebe: Still, he had to find out some time.
  Chandler: Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them? [triplets look at him] I'm going to go tell Emma she was an accident.

1003: TOW Ross' Tan

• Ross' subplot in this episode is a tour de force for David Schwimmer's skill at physical comedy as he makes repeated trips to spray tan salons and, through a series of misunderstandings, only gets sprayed on the front of his body every time. His reactions each time after the first are priceless.
  • Ross gets the idea for a trip to a spray tan salon after seeing the results of Monica's trip there. As well as setting up a Running Gag about Chandler getting pedicures (a secret Monica reveals in revenge for Chandler revealing her secret about getting a spray tan), we get a hilarious attempt at a Last-Second Word Swap after Monica hands Ross the card for the salon:
    Ross: Hey, I know this place! It used to be an X-rated video... [very long pause] florist.
  • At the salon, the assistant tells Ross to count to five after having his front sprayed while patting himself down to blend in any drips, then turn around to have his back sprayed. Ross misinterprets "count to five" as "count off five seconds" and does the "One Mississippi, two Mississippi..." technique, only getting halfway through "three Mississippi" before his front is sprayed again. The assistant tells him to face the back of the booth and he'll spray his back twice, but Ross becomes confused by the fact that he now can't see the light indicating when the sprays are about to go off, hesitantly turns around, and gets sprayed twice more on his front.
  • Inevitably, the others find his condition hilarious:
    [Monica and Chandler are in the kitchen of their apartment as Ross enters looking like he's been carved out of wood; Monica can't help grinning]
    Chandler: [deadpan] Hold on... there's something different.
    Ross: I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.
    Chandler: Was that place the Sun?
    Ross: [sarcastically] Oh! And it gets worse! [pulls up the side of his shirt to reveal that his front is tanned while his back isn't; this just makes Chandler and Monica grin wider]
    Chandler: Oh my God! You could do a duet of "Ebony and Ivory" all by yourself! [an unamused Ross drops his shirt again]
    Monica: How could you mess this up!? It's so easy! You go into the booth, you count to five, and you turn around!
    Ross: How do you count to five?
    Monica: One, two, three-
    Ross: DAMN IT! [stomps toward the door just as Rachel opens it and looks at him, speechless] I KNOW! [storms off as Rachel splits her sides laughing]
  • So Ross goes to a different spray tan salon to get his back sprayed, and cuts off the assistant's explanation of how it works... not discovering until after he enters the booth that this one has two sets of nozzles, and he ends up getting his front sprayed twice by each of them as he turns back and forth in confusion.
  • In The Tag, Ross, now almost mahogany in colour, is reading a National Geographic as he hears a knock at the door...
    Chandler: [outside] Dude, it's Chandler.
    Ross: Go away! I don't wanna see anybody!
    Chandler: I know! I went to the tanning place and the same thing happened to me! You have to let me in!
    Ross: Really? [sets down his magazine and heads for the door] Did you count Mississippi-ly? [he opens the door to reveal Chandler... with a camera and no hint of a spray tan] Y-you're not tanned!
    Chandler: No. I just had to get a picture of this. [takes a quick snapshot with the camera; through laughter] I'll see you later! [runs off as an irate Ross slams the door]
• In the Monica/Phoebe subplot, they are dragooned into meeting up with their former, very annoying neighbor Amanda (Jennifer Coolidge) when their plan to ghost her fails.
  • Plan A is to simply let her leave messages and then not reply to them; as she leaves a message on Monica's answering machine, we see that the years she has spent in Britain have led to a comically bad attempt at the local accent and slang. Unfortunately, as Monica and Phoebe listen to Amanda leave her message on the living room phone, Chandler becomes an accidental Spanner in the Works for their ghosting plan, leading to a collision with the Running Gag about his pedicures:
    Amanda: [aiming for English and landing instead in What the Hell Is That Accent?] Let's see... to ensure you get this directly, ring me back on my mobile.
    Phoebe: Yeah, don't hold thy breath!
    [Amanda's message is interrupted by Chandler's attempt to dial an outgoing call]
    Chandler: [on the phone] Hello? Is someone on the line?
    Amanda: Yes, I was looking for Monica.
    Chandler: Hang on, she's right here. [exits the bedroom and gives Monica the phone receiver] Someone's on the phone for ya.
    Monica: We weren't picking up, it's Amanda!
    Chandler: [Beat; into phone] I get pedicures!
  • Despite Phoebe's pleas to the contrary, Monica agrees to meet Amanda for dinner the next night, but they plan for Monica to get a fake phone call saying Chandler and Mike were in an accident. That is, until Amanda lets slip that Phoebe tried to ghost Monica way back when. When the phone call comes, Monica says Chandler was in an accident, but not Mike. After, she walks into the apartment:
    Monica: We are not friends with Phoebe anymore.
    Chandler: If she asks, I protested a little, but...okay.
• The Joey/Rachel ship finally sinks below the water in this episode; their subplot sees them gearing up to consummate their romance, but Rachel keeps slapping Joey's hand away as he moves it up her leg, then his attempt to unhook her bra fails miserably. He doesn't understand it - once, he just looked at a bra and it unfastened. As Rachel laments the failed date to Monica, it emerges that it was her bra that unfastened when Joey simply looked at it. Chandler spends the rest of the scene trying to make Monica's bra unfasten just by looking at it.

1004: TOW the Cake

• Joey forgets to get Emma a present for her first birthday and decides to do a dramatic reading of one of her books. At first everyone seems disappointed and annoyed by this idea, but he reduces the entire room to tears. Also counts as a Moment of Awesome (by showing his skills as a professional) and as a Heartwarming Moment.
• When they discover that they got a penis-shaped cake instead of a bunny-shaped one, we're treated to this gem.
  Judy Geller: Jack, look at this.
  Jack Geller: I know what you're thinking, Judy. The resemblance is uncanny. (Judy grins)

1005: TOW Rachel's Sister Baby-sits

• Joey's attempt at using a thesaurus on his adoption recommendation.
  Chandler: I don't, uh, understand.
  Joey: Some of the words are a little too sophisticated for ya?
  Monica: It doesn't make any sense.
  Joey: Of course it does, it's smart! I used the the-saurus!
  Chandler: On every word?!
  Joey: Yep!
  Monica: Alright, what was this sentence originally?
  Joey: Oh, "They are warm, nice people with big hearts."
  Chandler: And that became "They are humid prepossessing homosapiens with full-sized aortic pumps?"
  Joey: Yeah, yeah. And hey, I really mean it, dude.
  Monica: Hey, Joey, I don't think we can use this.
  Joey: Why not?
  Monica: Well, because you signed it "Baby Kangaroo Tribbiani".
• Ross doesn't want Amy to babysit Emma:
  Ross: (About Amy babysitting Emma) She can't babysit her.
  Rachel: Why not?
  Ross: Well for one she keeps calling her Ella!
  Rachel: Well, Ella is a nice name.
  Ross: Fine, we'll call the next one Ella!
  Rachel: (Stunned) What? The next one?!

1006: TOW Ross' Grant

• The whole incident with Gladys, Phoebe's terrifying artistic creation involving half a mannequin sticking out of a frame. Mike wants her to get rid of it, and Monica's attempts to cover up her shock at the picture lead to Phoebe giving Gladys to her as a gift.
  • Monica tries giving Gladys to Rachel, but when Phoebe walks in on them fighting over which of them gets stuck with it and they shift gears to fighting over which of them gets to keep it, she offers Monica a similar half-mannequin horror called Glynnis.
  • Monica convinces Joey to buy Gladys from her, so Rachel proceeds to convince him that it's haunted. The Tag has Monica doing the same thing to Rachel with Glynnis.
• Joey's Japandering ad. He knows Chandler lied about watching the tape of his commercials because he didn't immediately start poking fun at him for this ad.
  Joey: [in commercial] Ichiban! Lipstick... for men!

1007: TOW the Home Study

• Monica cleans the apartment in preparation for the social worker.
  Monica: Okay, so I think I'm just about done here, unless you have any bad stuff hidden somewhere, like porn or cigarettes?
  Chandler: What? No!
  Monica: Chandler?
  Chandler: I don't! And I'm offended by the insinuation!
  Monica: Okay. So there's not a magazine under the couch? Or a pack of cigarettes taped to the back of a toilet tank? Or a filthy video in the VCR?
  Chandler: I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine, but that tape is not mine.
  Monica: Well, it isn't mine.
  Joey: [takes tape and walks out] Oh, I guess we'll never know whose it is.
• The Ross-Rachel subplot in this episode:
  Ross: I was thinking of taking Emma to the playground.
  Rachel: Oh, my God. What?
  Ross: Like I said, I was thinking of taking Emma to the Museum of Knives and Fire.
  • Rachel has issues regarding playgrounds, it turns out, because as a little girl, she got her hair caught in the chain of a swing, requiring her mother to cut it on the spot, resulting in uneven hair for several weeks.
    Ross: [long Beat] And you made it through that? I wonder who's going to play you in the movie.
  • More classic David Schwimmer physical comedy ensues when Ross repeatedly stands in the wrong place and gets kicked by people on swings - first a young boy, then by Rachel trying to overcome her fear of swings.
• Phoebe and Mike decide to donate the money they would have spent on their wedding to a children's charity and just get married at City Hall, to Monica's distress. Then Phoebe sees what she looks like wearing Monica's bridal veil.
  Phoebe: All right, but who cares? You know, I don't need a pretty veil and a fancy dress.
  Monica: That's right, you're making a commitment, and you know, that's the same whether you do it at the Plaza or...Where are you going to do it?
  Phoebe: City Hall.
  Monica: [pained] Oh! [Chandler elbows her] Oh, that sounds nice. Well, I was just there for jury duty. They really spruced that place up.
  Phoebe: Okay. No, it's okay. It's okay, it's okay. I made my decision. What I really want is a great big wedding. [gasps and covers mouth]
  Monica: Yay!
  Chandler: But you already gave all the money to charity.
  Phoebe: Well, I'll just ask for it back.
  Chandler: I don't think you can do that.
  Monica: Why not? This is her wedding day. That's way more important than some stupid kids.
  Chandler: That's sweet, honey, but save something for the adoption lady.

1008: TOW the Late Thanksgiving

• Chandler and especially Monica are livid when the other four show up nearly an hour late for Thanksgiving dinner after Rachel and Phoebe sneak off to enter Emma in a baby beauty pageant (winning a $1000 cash prize in the process) while Ross and Joey sneak off to a New York Rangers game. Rachel fetches her old key, but Monica and Chandler have put the chain on, so the other four are only able to stick their heads in to apologise... an apology that is rejected when it emerges that Phoebe and Rachel forgot to pick up the chocolate pie for dessert. So they withdraw their heads... except Joey, who is stuck. As Ross looks at Joey's backside, he tells Rachel and Phoebe he's really tempted to mess with him, and soon, all three of them have retrieved armloads of odds and ends from Joey and Rachel's apartment and are stuffing them down Joey's pants.

1009: TOW the Birth Mother

• "JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!"

1011: TOW the Stripper Cries

• Joey on Donnymid. Inevitably, he proves to be completely useless as a cluegiver and especially as a guesser.
  • The first word is "cream":
    Gene: You put this in your coffee.
    Joey: A spoon! Your hands! Your face!
    Gene: It's white.
    Joey: Paper! Snow! A ghost!
  • And then the new word is 'mayonnaise'.
    Gene: You put this on a sandwich.
    Joey: Salami! Anchovies! Jam!
    Gene: It's white.
    Joey: Paper! Snow! A ghost!
    Gene: It's made from eggs.
    Joey: Chickens?!
  • And later on:
    Joey: Why would there be a ghost in my fridge?
• Possibly the funniest moment in the episode: Monica and Rachel have hired a stripper for Phoebe's bachelorette party at the last minute. He knocks and announces through the door that it's "Officer Goodbody." Monica opens the door—and it's Danny DeVito.
  Stripper: (winded) Jeez, that's a lot of stairs!
• It bugs Ross that at the party where he and Rachel kissed (in the dark), Chandler had already kissed her first.
  Chandler: Wait, what bed did you say she was on?
  Ross: Mine.
  Chandler: I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed.
  Ross: No, she was definitely on my bed.
  Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed?
  Ross: Well, then, who was on my bed?
  Monica: Oh! Oh! Oh!
  Ross: [realizing] No! No! No!
  Monica: Yes!
  Ross: You were under the pile of coats?
  Monica: I WAS the pile of coats!
  Ross: OH MY GOD!
  Monica: You were my midnight mystery kisser?!
  Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel?!
  Monica: You were my first kiss EVER?!
  Chandler: WHAT DID I MARRY INTO?!

1012: TOW Phoebe's Wedding

• Joey has been asked to walk Phoebe down the aisle, thus filling in as the "dad". He attempts to make small-talk with Mike's parents at the rehearsal dinner:
  Joey: Ah, our little ones are growing up fast, huh?
  Mike's Father: How's that?
  Joey: I mean on the one hand you're happy for them, but on the other hand it's hard to let go.
  Mike's Father: Who in God's name are you?
  Joey: Hey, I'm not too fond of you either, okay, buddy? But I'm just trying to be nice for the kids!
• And later, when Monica (the wedding planner) is trying to tell Phoebe how to give her speech...in the middle of the speech, this is the final straw:
  Phoebe: Okay, okay, I, okay, I—MONICA I CAN'T DO IT LIKE THIS!! This is MY wedding! Okay, I don't want this (mimes Monica twirling her hands) or this (mimes Monica tapping her watch) or THIS (mimes Monica going "cut!"), okay?! I just wanted a simple wedding, WHERE MY FIANCE COULD GO TO THE BATHROOM ANYTIME HE WANTS!!!

1013: TOW Joey Speaks French

• Rachel's dad recovering from a heart attack.
  Dr. Green: What are you doing here, Geller?
  Ross: Well, I came with Rachel, who should be back any second! (pause) So what's new?
  Dr. Green: Ooh, I had a little heart attack.
  Ross: Right, is it painful?
  Dr. Green: What, the heart attack or sitting here talking to you?
  Ross: (he buzzes for the nurse) Let's see if we can get that Rachel back here.
  Dr. Green: So what's new with you, Geller, knocked up any more of my daughters lately?
  Ross: Nope, just the one. RACH!
• Joey trying to learn French. Yes, it makes him super dumb, more than he ever was, but his interactions with Phoebe the teacher, the voice on the self-learning tape and the director of the play are hilarious.
  Phoebe: Let's try it one syllable at a time. Okay, so repeat after me: Je.
  Joey: Je.
  Phoebe: M'a.
  Joey: M'a.
  Phoebe: Ppelle.
  Joey: Ppelle.
  Phoebe: Great! Okay, faster. Je.
  Joey: Je.
  Phoebe: M'a.
  Joey: M'a.
  Phoebe: Ppelle.
  Joey: Ppelle.
  Phoebe: Je m'appelle!
  Joey: Mi pou pooo!

1014: TOW Princess Consuela

• Ross complains of Rachel meeting Mark again, and the two of them going out to dinner as friends (it is eventually revealed that he is now Happily Married with newborn twins). We get this from Chandler:
  Chandler: It's seven years ago. My time machine works!

1015: TOW Estelle Dies

• Chandler and Monica are checking out the house next door to the one they're buying, which has just come on the market, when they hear the person who's also checking it out...
  Janice: OH. MY. GOD!
  Chandler: ...Sure.
• Janice wants to buy the house so they can be neighbors. The very idea is so horrific, Monica and Chandler do the only logical thing: make it seem like Chandler still has feelings for Janice and do a bad kiss to convince her it's a bad idea.
• Phoebe pretends to be Estelle after she dies and calls Joey, who fires her. After Phoebe hangs up, she remarks "tough week for Estelle."
• Phoebe calls Joey again - after he's found out Estelle died (Phoebe didn't know this). Joey thinks he's being contacted by Estelle's ghost - with Matt Le Blanc giving one of his best Eye Takes. Upon hanging up, the call is conveniently listed as "out of area".
• It turns out that by the end of her life, Estelle had only two clients: Joey and Al Zebooker, a guy who eats paper. At Estelle's memorial service, Joey prepares to give a speech... only to find Al has eaten it.

1016: TOW Rachel's Going Away Party

• Rachel says goodbye to everyone individually, reducing them all to tears. Except Joey.
  [Rachel and Joey are on the balcony, everyone else is inside watching.]
  Ross: God, I can't believe she saved me for last. Why are they taking so long?
  Phoebe: I dunno, but Joey seems to taking it surprisingly well.
  [As Rachel heads back inside, Joey turns and starts to get ready to jump off the balcony. Rachel pulls him back when everyone else runs forward to stop Joey.]

1017-18: The Last One

• Chandler and Monica get a surprise about the child they are adopting just as the mother is about to give birth:
  Doctor: You know it's twins, right?
  Chandler: [both he and Monica are thunderstruck] Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know!
  [...]
  Monica: Chandler, you're panicking!
  Chandler: Uh huh! JOIN ME, won't you?!
• Monica's way of reassuring Chandler?
  Monica: I don't care if it's two babies, I don't care if it's three babies! I don't care if the entire cast of Eight is Enough comes out of there!
• Ross, in a mad dash to stop Rachel from moving to Paris, runs to the ticket counter at the airport and sprints through the twisty turny roped off line.
• Then there's the entire "the left phalange is broken" sequence. It's an obvious Wild Card Excuse to get Rachel off the plane, and she sees right through the ruse...but the passenger next to her totally buys into it. Then it gets even funnier when the nonplussed flight attendant says that "there's no phalange!", which everyone takes to Exact Words and panics about even more. Everyone else on the plane starts panicking over this so-called "left phalange", with Phoebe's plan having Gone Horribly Right.
• Monica handing the mover some money to get rid of the ceramic dog she's always loathed.
  Monica: If it fell off the truck, it wouldn't be the worst thing.