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Fanfic / Thinking In Little Green Boxes

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Thinking In Little Green Boxes, by DireSquirrel

This fic can be summed up in one phrase: What if Deadpool raised Harry Potter? Wait! Don't go!

Harry was supposed to be left at #4 Privet Drive all those years ago, but due to a mix-up, he gets sent to #4 Privy drive instead, where one Mister Wilson is staying at the time.

From there, Wade raises Harry, who in turn gains Deadpool's insanity.

Hilarity Ensues.

FanFiction.Net Link

This fic provides examples of the following:

  • Actually a Doombot: Don't worry, that was just the Life Model Decoy of Cedric Diggory.
  • Actually Pretty Funny: Namor thought that Harry shouting "TYRANNOUSAURUS REX!" while wearing a cheap Namor costume before jumping in the lake was hilarious.
  • Almighty Mom: Jean Grey is just about the only person (bar Agatha Harkness) who can actually control Harry. It actually gets to the point where it focuses enough rage in a calm sort of way that it prevents her from doing unfortunate things like eating star systems.
  • Back from the Dead: Harry died at some point between 1st and 2nd year in a crossover event, but got better.
  • Batman Gambit: Harry concocts a couple of plans that just involve having Doctor Doom and the Punisher doing what they do naturally when given the incentive.
  • Big Bad Wannabe: Crabbe and Goyle try to beat up Harry. They get curbstomped by Harry.
  • Big, Screwed-Up Family: Harry has two fathers (since Deadpool and Cable exchanged DNA and all) so that means Harry gets adopted into that mess known as the Summers' Family Tree, plus there’s the biological family and Sirius to consider as well. He calls Scott "Grandpa" and Jean "Grandma". Scott's baffled, and Jean mostly just rolls with it, because she adores him. So far, Jean seems to be the only one who exercises any sort of control over him at all (that succeeds anyway, and it's rare).
  • Body-Count Competition: Harry and Wolverine have a contest to see who can kill more Dementors. The competition is pretty close until Harry runs out of bullets.
  • Broken Masquerade: The introduction of TV to wizards reveals them to the entire world, and they aren't aware of it.
  • Bullying a Dragon: Frequently subverted "Remember, it's important to be nice to the lady that can destroy star systems."
  • Canis Latinicus: Like you guys are using real Latin either.
  • Clasp Your Hands If You Deceive: while plotting and planning and considering that Dumbledore must have been replaced by a Skrull Harry does the Gendo pose.
  • Clueless Chick-Magnet: Neville following his stint in Asgard.
  • Comedic Sociopathy: every mention of the "Punisher's War Journal", and most of the times where Deadpool's involved too.
  • Crack Fic: It's Deadpool raising Harry Potter, what did you expect?
  • Crapsack World: The fact that the wizarding world of Harry Potter warrants an entry in this trope on its own page is addressed as various agencies and super hero teams find out how the wizarding world works and do not like what they find... and then take action to do something about it. This culminates in a segment where Harry hires She-Hulk to represent him as a lawyer so that he can get out of being charged for unlawful use of sorcery.
  • Crossover Couple: Sirius Black and Black Cat. Fred and George Weasley and the Stepford Cuckoos. Harry and Pixie.
  • Dead Fic: Hasn't been updated since 2012.
  • Deadpan Snarker: To the point where it's essentially a World of Snark. It is very rare for a character not to be sarcastic.
  • Death Is Cheap: Harry died offscreen in a crossover event that went undiscussed between books 1 and 2, before getting an Unexplained Recovery. Also, Emma Frost turned out to be a clone.
  • Destination Defenestration: The first act of the Magic Avengers is to throw most of the Ministry workers out windows.
  • Dinosaurs Are Dragons: Defied. "DINOSAURS ARE NOT DRAGONS!"
  • Disproportionate Retribution: Harry's revenge on Emma Frost. It was retconned into the target being a clone.
  • Distracted by the Sexy: Fudge's reaction to Jean Grey's penchant for skintight costumes. He is not alone in this.
  • Evil Laugh: Doom gives Luna pointers on how to do the Evil Laugh.
  • Evil Mentor: Doctor Doom to Luna Lovegood. It's played entirely for laughs, because the student wants to be an evil genius.
  • Extreme Omnivore: Harry, Deadpool, and implicitly Logan. Owls taste delicious! As do bulldogs, when properly stewed.
  • Fate Worse than Death: Harry's revenge against Emma Frost, for all that it was retconned. Also, Deadpool giving a shrunken Rhino to Harry as a pet.
  • Female Feline, Male Mutt: Felicia and Sirius, as a couple.
  • Fiction500: Thanks to his inheritance and putting his Pikachus to work robbing the other wizarding families for years, Harry essentially owns the Wizarding World.
  • From Bad to Worse: For the wizards, the robbery of Gringotts by Pikachus gets a lot worse when the basilisk emerges from a Poke Ball.
  • Genre Savvy: Hermione becomes this in self-defence to deal with Harry's insanity, mostly to figure what he's going to do next.
  • Heroic Comedic Sociopath: Deadpool, Harry/Arthur B. Wilson, Illyana Rasputin.
  • Hero of Another Story: After being accidentally teleported to Asgard, Neville ends up going on a quest to get dwarven draught to heal his parents' minds. When we see him after he's completed his quest (and what is implied to be Training from Hell), he's become a powerful warrior (and absolutely ripped, to boot).
  • Hufflepuff House: to quote Deadpool after Harry tries out Hufflepuff - "YOU PUT MY SON IN A HOUSE FULL OF MINIONS?!" Then, Harry decides to make things a bit more interesting by introducing the Hufflepuffs to the works of Karl Marx, with Cedric Diggory leading a revolution.
  • Hulking Out: Harry the allosaurus animagus. He later becomes the Magic Avengers' equivalent of the Hulk, purple pants and all.
  • I Need a Freaking Drink: Professor Flitwick remarks that Harry's first year was a bad year to give up drinking.
  • Insane Troll Logic: Lampshaded, when Harry rips J. Jonah Jameson a new one: "Oh, okay... So Magneto is okay, because you can see his face through the helmet, even if he tries to kill all humans and stuff, but Spider-Man's a bad guy because you can't see his face. Gotcha."
  • Insistent Terminology: Harry, much as with Deadpool. Doorknobs, Jessica Dumbledore, etc.
  • Large Ham: DOCTOR DOOM! in every single ridiculous appearance.
  • Lethal Joke Character: Harry is much more dangerous than he seems, much like Deadpool. Emma Frost (or rather her clone) realizes this about Harry a little too late...
  • Like You Would Really Do It: Lampshaded repeatedly, and invoked by Harry on one occasion: in order to ensure Cedric Diggory's survival, he published the first issue of a comic book starring him, knowing that no writer would have the guts to kill off a headliner in their first issue.
  • Luke, I Am Your Father: Harry says this to Voldemort, in a re-enactment of the trope naming scene. It's ludicrous enough that Voldemort actually just stops and stares for a little while, giving Harry time to run.
  • Madness Mantra: The Malfoys get hit with this.
    • Draco's "I AM A BANANA!"
    • And Lucius, after exposure to the Punisher's 'ringer', the Cookie Monster; "C is for Cookie, that's me!"
  • Magical Nanny: Agatha Harkness, who aside from Jean Grey, is the only one who can control Harry. Namely, by scaring him witless.
  • Magnetic Hero: There's something about Potter that attracts people to him... even though he's stark, raving mad.
  • Mind Screw
    • Harry does this to one of his opponents in the Danger Room, Prodigy, whose power is apparently the ability to share other peoples' awareness. He shares Harry's mind and realizes there are people watching them... through a screen, just staring at them and watching and OH GOD MAKE IT STOP!!!
    • As of chapter 47, Voldemort attempts to learn Dumbledore's secrets through Harry's mind (through their special mental link) only to break himself and order Bellatrix to get a mind healer to erase everything he has found in Harry's mind.
  • Mistaken for Pedophile: Hagrid is mistaken for a pedophile. Thankfully, all that happens is that he gets sectioned and has some very productive therapy with Doc Samson.
  • Momma's Boy: Harry to Jean, to an extent, since she's sort of his grandmother (short version: Deadpool is Harry's adopted father, Cable and Deadpool swapped DNA, Cable's biological mother is Jean's clone and Jean raised him in the far future). She adores him and just rolls with the weirdness, while barring Agatha Harkness, who scares him witless, she's just about the only person Harry even semi-reliably listens to, and he's a firm Shipper on Deck for Jean/Scott. Even to the point of killing Emma Frost - though that was just a clone.
  • More Dakka: Harry's solution to many a problem — it's super-effective!
  • Muggles Do It Better: From the Punisher's War Journal:
    I've finally figured out how to bypass the defenses of Voldemort's hideout. It was actually easier than dealing with the Mob, since Death Eaters aren't quite as good as taking pain as they are dishing it out. They also have absolutely no experience or talent for psychological warfare or interrogation, rather they just choose to cast a few spells and expect things to work. They also don't expect people to be able to dodge. They called me a muggle, whatever that means, I called them target practice.
  • Never Mess with Granny: Agatha Harkness, who more or less has Harry effortlessly terrified into submission.
  • No Fourth Wall: It's Deadpool and son, they probably tore it down on father-son day. Though Deadpool does ground Harry and as punishment forbids him from breaking the fourth wall for five chapters.
    • For reading ahead in his own book. There are rules after-all.
    • Naturally, Harry can only manage to follow the punishment for a chapter or two before he becomes unable to resist breaking the fourth wall again.
  • Noodle Implements: The reason why Harry isn't allowed to take sweets from strangers anymore involves a credit card, some doom-bots, a guy with metal skin, a flying car, and a really big magnet.
  • Noodle Incident: Harry: "Magneto and I tend not to get along ever since that incident with the — oh, I was told never to speak of that again. Sorry."
  • No Social Skills: As Harry points out he was "raised by mutants and assassins."
  • Oh, Crap!: Harry — sorry, Arthur Bea Wilson succumbs to utter despair during the dragon egg part of the Triwizard Tournament when he sees that Lockheed is his opponent.
  • Only Sane Man: McGonagall for the Hogwarts faculty (not helped by the fact that Dumbledore is perfectly happy to go along with whatever Harry and Deadpool related insanity is happening now), and Jean Grey for the X-Men. By Harry's 4th year, they're more or less Fantastically Indifferent, and consequently get on like a house on fire.
  • Overly Long Gag: And spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun...note 
    • In this chapter alone, there are 7634 moments where the term 'and spun' is written plus one typo. Overly Long Gag, INDEED!
  • Pass the Popcorn: Harry's reaction to the beginnings of the communist Hufflepuff uprising. Which, naturally, he instigated.
  • Pet the Dog: Harry accidentally breaks Neville's wand; feeling guilty for it, he gives the boy one of the extra wands he bought. It accidentally teleports Neville onto the Bifrost when he tries to use it, but it's the thought that counts.
  • Psychic Static: Harry and Arthur Bea Wilson use various techniques to piss off Voldemort while he possesses Harry. These include Henry The Eighth, Aqua's Barbie Girl, inbred pureblood jokes, Madonna's Like A Virgin, and finally belching Der Ring des Nibelungenin in German with armpit noise as the base and Arthur singing the female parts in the style of Carrot Top.
  • Reading Ahead in the Script: The Philosopher's Stone arc ends when Harry reads ahead in the book to find that Quirrel was Voldemort. Disappointed by this, Deadpool punishes Harry by banning him from Breaking the Fourth Wall for five whole chapters. Harry kept to it... mostly.
  • Retcon: Enough fans hated Harry incinerating Emma Frost for the writer to undo that (it was a clone) and have Harry tranq dart a now-good Juggernaut instead.
  • Rockumentary: Harry does one in the House of M.
  • Running Gag:
    • Several, such as Pokemon references and Harry's identity theft and frequent use of the credit card of Doctor Doom.
    • Early on had this little gem:
    Dumbledore He's just like James.
    McGonagall You say that like it's a good thing.
  • Screw This, I'm Outta Here: The Stepford Cuckoos when Molly Weasley is in the middle of her Evil Laugh phase after Fred and George learn the triplets are pregnant with identical twins.
  • Serious Business: When it comes to breaking the fourth wall, even Deadpool has his standards.
  • Shout-Out: To Godzilla, James Bond, The Muppets, Sesame Street, Scooby-Doo, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Harry does the Gendo pose.
    • Care of Magical Creatures... I CHOOSE YOU!
      • Harry's quite a Pokemon fan; he refers to taking advantage of Gringott's absurd exchange rates to ludicrous profits as the "Rare Candy bug", Pikachus show up, etc. Hell, Harry basically invents Pokemon in-universe - quite literally, in the case of the Pikachus.
    • I had no idea The Yankees attracted so much hatred.
    • And Harry is aware of this page.
  • Split Personality: Harry and "Arthur B. Wilson." As distinguished by wearing the relevant mask.
  • Stupid Sexy Flanders: After Neville returns from Asgard, Draco has to remind himself to sneer not to stare.
  • Suspiciously Specific Denial: "Wonder-Mutant-Dad is most certainly NOT the new janitor at Hogwarts."
  • These Are Things Man Was Not Meant to Know: 'Arthur' Mind rapes Prodigy simply by being Medium aware.
  • Timey-Wimey Ball: Lampshaded and abused. Harry takes a time turner all the way back to WWII, then stops himself from using it, resulting in two Harrys, which confuses the wizards.
  • Took a Level in Badass: The Æsir give Neville several levels by force after Harry accidentally teleports him onto Bifröst.
  • Torture Technician: The Cookie Monster. Who's brought in by the Punisher as his 'ringer' to break Lucius Malfoy. It Makes Just As Much Sense In Context.
  • Training from Hell: Neville, in Asgard, by occasional implication. It seems to have worked.
  • Transparent Closet: Draco ogles Asgardian!Neville, and tries to remind himself to sneer, not stare.
  • Twin Threesome Fantasy: Exaggerated when the Weasley Twins sleep with (and knock up) the Stepford Cuckoos triplets.
    The Cuckoos: Silly Miss Frost... we didn't get into trouble. Trouble got into us.
  • Villains Out Shopping: Kang the Conqueror shows up just to watch the Tri-Wizard Tournament ("It's not like there's anything here worth conquering"). Similarly, Doom, Magneto and Namor make bets on its outcome.
  • We Can Rule Together: Harry does this to Voldemort during the scene mentioned in Luke, I Am Your Father above. Voldemort is understandably very confused.
  • What Kind of Lame Power Is Heart, Anyway?
  • Who Dares?:
    • ...interrupt DOOM!
  • Why Don't You Just Shoot Him?: The shared viewpoint of Harry, Deadpool, and the Punisher.
  • Wolverine Publicity: And here we hang that lampshade. Harry actually weaponizes it; one of his plans involves Wolverine appearing in his "comic" because of this trope, and he's completely right.
  • Writing Around Trademarks: Harry transfigures some "adolescent, mutant, practicing Japanese martial arts tortoises."
  • You Remind Me of X: Jean and Minerva agree that Emma Frost is "a female Snape." Also Harry's Magic Avengers: Ron = Cap, Hermione = Scarlet Witch, Draco = Iron Man, Neville = Thor, Rita = the Wasp, Hagrid = Giantman, Pixie = Wolverine, and Harry = the Hulk.