Funny / Family Guy: Seasons 1 to 3

Look at me, Lois! I'm Roo!

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Season One

1. - "Death Has a Shadow"

• Peter crashing from just one lick of butter rum ice cream. Also check out how his eyes change size^*Okay, this was more being Off-Model than anything, but still.
• Peter seeing Philadelphia after having an Irish coffee.
• The various deadly "toys" that end up in the hands of children thanks to Peter's negligence on the job (including an axe being used as a baseball and a fire-breathing doll named Baby Heimlich).
  Girl: C'mon, Baby Heimlich. Spit it out!
• Peter trying to keep his job loss a secret from Lois.
  Peter: Hey, Lois, the lost-my-job smells great. Hey, Meg, could you pass me the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?
  Lois: Peter, are you feeling OK?
  Peter: I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world!
• After losing his job, Peter has been trying to avoid letting Lois see him not at work by disguising himself as a lamp and standing in the corner of the living room.
• The Cutaway Gag after Peter lies that he didn't have gas for the first time until he was 30, where we see a younger Peter reading a newspaper while sitting in a beanbag chair before he hears himself fart.
  Peter: What the hell was that?
• Peter taking the family out for the most expensive meal they've ever had: ordering "six thousand chicken fa-jie-tas" at a fast food drive-thru.
  • "And a so-sauge McBiscuit, please."
• "Hey man, your clock won't flush!"
• This exchange:
  Peter: I feel kinda bad, you guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink.
  Quagmire: Aw, don't feel bad, Peter.
  Peter: (cheers up) Gee, I never thought of it like that!
• The delicious bit of snark from Brian when Lois finds out about Peter's scam:
  Peter: Boy, she's pretty pissed.
  Brian: Who thought welfare fraud would be one of her buttons?
• Peter and Brian are in jail:
  Peter: Boy. I really let Lois down this time. Do you think she'll wait for me?
  Brian: If every woman dumped her husband...for crashing a blimp, no one would be married.
• The debut of the Kool-Aid Man
  Judge: Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison!
  Lois: Oh no!
  Brian: Oh no!
  Chris: Oh no!
  Meg: Oh no!
  Kool-Aid Man: (bursts through the court walls) Oh yeah!
  Stunned silence, Kool-Aid Man awkwardly leaves through the same hole he came through

2. - "I Never Met the Dead Man"

• The entirety of Stewie's war against broccoli.
  Stewie: (after Lois tries to get him to eat it by pretending it's an airplane) Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!
• Peter's trip to the American Southwest, where he runs down the Roadrunner:
  Peter: Ah geez, did I just hit that ostrich?
  Wile E. Coyote: No.
  Peter: Are you sure?
  Wile E. Coyote: Yeah, he's fine. Keep going.
• While Peter is teaching Meg how to drive, they get into a race with an Amish man who jumps out of his carriage when a wheel comes loose and it careens off the road. It explodes like a real car, and the horse that was pulling it follows suit. Peter's only criticism is that Meg didn't flip the driver off.
• Peter Failed a Spot Check while watching Star Trek: The Original Series:
  Peter: Holy crap! Uhura's black?!
• Meg bemoans that she would stay single forever and end up adopting a child like Rosie O'Donnell if she doesn't get her driver's license or a car, in which Peter misses her point entirely:
  Peter: Meg, are you implying that Rosie O' Donnell can't drive?
• The new FOX reality show Peter wants to see: Fast Animals, Slow Children.
• When Meg fails her driving test, Peter tries to comfort her by saying that he's had his own share of disappointments. The resulting cutaway is of Meg being born, and when the doctor informs Peter that she's a girl, Peter, who was evidently hoping for a boy and is carrying a bunch of sporting equipment, asks him to check again.
• When an angry mob comes after Peter and Meg when they crash into the transmitter, Peter convinces them to take pity on Meg because she got her arm shot off in Vietnam. They believe him, despite Meg very clearly having both of her arms and being too young to have been in Vietnam.
• The Scooby-Doo Murder Files parody, made even more hilarious because it's Frank Welker voices Fred.
• Tom and Diane saying politically incorrect things now that the news is off-broadcast in Quahog.
  Tom: Of course, no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?
  Diane: Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people.
  Cameraman: Hey guys, we're still on in Boston. (both of them have an Oh, Crap! look on their faces)
  • Later on...
  Tom: Well Diane, that last report was so good I think you deserve a spanking.
  Diane: Oh, Tom, I don't think your wife would appreciate that.
  Tom: Diane, that frigid old cow lives in Quahog. She can't hear a word I'm saying.
  Cameraman: Actually, we're back on the air in Quahog. (they gain Oh, Crap! looks again)
• When Brian scoffs at Peter claiming to give up TV cold turkey, he reminds him of the time Peter tried to give up eating candy...in Willy Wonka's factory:
  Wonka: I'll ask you one more time. Are you sure you didn't eat anything in my factory?
  Peter: (blue and swollen) No.
  Wonka: I'm just asking—
  Peter: What, are you calling me a liar?
  Wonka: No, I'm just saying—
  Peter: Hey, shut up, Wonka!
• The cutaway of a young Peter trying to sneak into an R-rated movie disguised as a shrub.
• At the Bavarian Folk Festival, there are two booths selling German bratwurst and Polish sausage. Suddenly, the bratwurst vendor knocks the sausage vendor out and steals his stand, then begins eyeing a nearby Czech wiener vendor, who looks uncomfortable.

3. - "Chitty Chitty Death Bang"

• Peter's version of how he accidentally canceled the reservation for Stewie's birthday party at Cheesie Charlie's.
  Boy at prize counter: I have 13 tickets now. Is that enough?
  Man behind counter: Oh I'm sorry, Timmy, but you need 15 tickets to live.
  (The man presses a button, causing Timmy to fall down a trapdoor screaming)
  • Before the flashback, Brian pulls up a stool, mentioning how "these things are always classic." And when Lois ends the flashback, Brian sarcastically applauds Peter, calling him "the Spaulding Gray of crap."
• Peter getting a literal "big ass" pinata.
  Brian: (sighs) I sure hope candy comes out of that.

4. - "Mind Over Murder"

• Stewie crying out in pain from teething, and Lois' nonchalant reaction to it.
  Stewie: *Yelling from his crib* DAMN IT TO THE BOWELS OF BLOODY HELL!
  Lois: *In the living room* Well, the baby's up.
• The last time that Peter tried to change Stewie, which left him gun shy:
  Stewie: No, no, no, you imbecile! That's not talc, that's paprika! No! (shoots a stream of piss in Peter's eye) Take that!
• Peter complains that he can't watch TV to pass the time during his house arrest anymore, claiming that all the shows are starting to run at the same time. To prove his point, he turns the set on to show Homicide: Life on Sesame Street, which features Bert as Sipowitz, bare-assed and all.
  Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
  Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed!
  • Even funnier, there actually is a "cookies in bed" sketch, which ends with Ernie and Bert in the same bed.

5. - "A Hero Sits Next Door"

• Peter's pitch for a new toy: Facts of Life Transformers. He shows off a figure of Blair has two alt modes: one where she's simply fatter, and one where she's a radioactive scorpion. He also claims to have invented one of Natalie that turns into a dilophosaurus from Jurassic Park, and one of Tootie that turns into a stinkbug.
• "Holy crip, he's a crapple!"
• This exchange:
  Baseball Player 1: Hey, you want some gum?
  Baseball Player 2: Sure, thanks!
  Baseball Player 1: Ha ha, that was joke gum!
  Baseball Player 2: Whaddya mean?
  Baseball Player 1: Now you're addicted to heroin!
  (both laugh)
  Baseball Player 2: (starts shivering) I-I'm cold...
• The cutaway of Peter singing to the kids at the Sunday school... and improvising after he forgets the words:
  Jesus loves me, he loves me a bunch,
  'cause he always puts Skippy in my lunch.
  * The children sitting opposite Peter are shown to have blank, confused stares*
  

6. - "The Son Also Draws"

• Peter drives the family to New York to complain to the head of the Youth Scouts. Unfortunately, he had a prune smoothie before he left and the world seems to want to remind him that. They soon pass by a sign saying "Dump, next left," a truck with the sign "WIDE LOAD," a furniture store billboard saying "All stools must go!", a car with a bumper sticker saying "I love my Shih Tzu", and a sign reading "Only 15 Miles to Bob's House of Feces."
  Peter: Oh, come on! That one's not even real!
• "Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits! It says 'OOOOO'!" "Peter, those are Cheerios."
• The cutaway of Peter and Chris trying to get into the fair by wearing a horse costume.
  Peter: One, please.
  (Chris, the tail end, sneezes)
  Ticket salesman: Hey wait a second, your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk! No no no, nothing about this adds up at all!
• "We're off! Those scouts are never gonna know what hit them! *reverses into the car behind* And, uh... neither will that guy. *drives off the right way*
• One of the singing trees in the hallucination taking out a lighter and accidentally burning down the forest.
  Tree: Todd, you stupid bastard!
• After Peter tells the casino owners that he actually had a spiritual vision:
  Leonard: Man, I guess we've lost touch with our noble roots. I mean sure, this casino's brought our tribe money and prosperity. But what is the price of our souls?
  Guy: $6 million a week.
  Leonard: That sounds right. (to Peter) Here, take your crappy car back. Come on, boys. Let's go hit the buffet.

7. - "Brian: Portrait of a Dog"

• When the announcer at the dog show points out how hot it is, a bird bursts into flames.
• "What did you see? Was it breasts?"
• With Brian gone, the Griffins, at Stewie's suggestion, get a cat. Naturally, it's pretty mean.
  Peter: (as the cat pulls on his eyelids) God. I. Hate. This. Freakin'. Cat.
• In jail, Brian's cellmate is a non-sentient dog who wants to kill him. Brian distracts him to perform a Groin Attack, only to find that he's been neutered.
• To save Brian from being executed, Peter mails Richard Dean Anderson a rubber band, a paper clip, and a straw so he can MacGyver a solution. Anderson uses them to make a sort of slingshot, but hits himself in the eye with the rubber band.

Season Two

8. - "Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater"

• Peter's flashback of being with Lois's parents during the holidays. Carter drops his pocketwatch near the fireplace and asks Peter to pick it up before kicking him into said fireplace and setting him on fire. He then tries to "put that out" by beating him with a piece of firewood while Babs laughs.
• Peter goes into an angry, profanity-laden spiel upon hearing Lois' aunt is coming over. When she chastises him, he retorts by saying "sometimes it's okay to swear."
  Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
  Peter: I do.
  Beat
  Peter: (sternly) You bastard.
• At Aunt Margerite's wake, Lois reveals that she left the Griffins something in her will. Peter takes Margerite's corpse out of the casket and starts dancing with it. He quickly stops when he realizes:
  Peter: Oh my God. She's dead.
• At the reading of Margerite's will, Peter says, "Come on, big money! No Whammy! STOP!"
• During the "This House Is Freakin' Sweet!" number:
  Chef: I make brunch, Clive cooks lunch
  Chef and Clive: Each and every day
  Blake: Chocolate cake, à la Blake
  Peter: Hundred bucks, Blake is gay
• Peter pronouncing Lois's maiden name as "Piece-of-Shmidt".
• Stewie summons three butlers and orders one of them to bring him the Wall Street Journal, then orders the other two to fight to the death. They do so without question.
• To turn Peter into a gentleman, Brian has him placed in front of two TVs, one tuned to Frasier and the other to Ricki Lake. He also has him hooked up to a machine that shocks him if he so much as looks at Ricki Lake.
  Niles: Well, Frasier, you're so corpulent that when you sit around the magnificently-appointed Tuscan villa, you sit around the magnificently-appointed Tuscan villa.
  Peter: Huh. This is the smartest show on TV.
  Guy: Yo, Ricki, that's my girlfriend! She ain't supposed to be havin' no penis!
  (Peter glances right and is immediately zapped)
• Brian getting drunk off his ass.
• When Peter is being thanked by the auctioneer for his ridiculously generous bid, he calls him "the most generous man since Ted Turner."
  Ted Turner: Uh, I'd like to announce I'm giving a gift the whole world can appreciate: I've colorized the moon.
• To pay off his bid, Peter tries to make Cherrywood look like a historical landmark so he can sell it. To this end, he makes it looks like Jesus wrote "Jesus was here" 51 years before he was born, claims a large hole in the wall is where the stock market crashed in 1929, a toy train under the floorboards is Harriet Tubman's Underground Railroad, and that a regular rock is "where the pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock."

9. - "Holy Crap"

• Being a devout Catholic, Francis has never liked the fact that Lois is Protestant. In a flashback of Peter and Lois after their wedding, it's shown that under the "Just Married" sign on their limousine, he taped a sign adding "To a Protestant whore".
• As Francis was never around for Peter during his childhood, a flashback shows a young Peter having gotten 3rd place in a father-son three-legged race that he had to run with a stalk of corn.
• After Francis lulls Stewie to sleep by reading him the Bible, Brian brings up the story of God telling Abraham to kill Isaac. We're treated to Abraham Lincoln on deck of The Love Boat walking up to Isaac the bartender and shooting him, causing a woman nearby to gasp in shock.
• Francis is grilling Peter on how well he knows his Bible. When he asks what book of the Bible he likes, Peter says "Um, the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the Man in the Big Yellow Hat has to take him to the hospital?"
• The spoof of The Dick Van Dyke Show's intro, which involves the titular character tripping over the ottoman as usual, then things get worse: he then falls on the glass coffee table and gets impaled by the shards, gets hit in the face with an iron, stumbles into the kitchen and slips on a puddle that sends him into the oven, which sets him on fire, falls onto and breaks the kitchen table, opens a drawer and gets his face stabbed with utensils, before a car breaks through the wall and runs him over. The fact that the only sound present is the upbeat big band music makes the scene even more priceless.
  (Francis walks in and changes the channel)
  Lois: Francis, we were watching that.
  Francis: Well, I'll tell you how it ends: Laura burns the roast, and God kills her for parading her bum around in those pants.
• Superman in Hell:
  Peter: (after seeing Hitler, John Wilkes Booth, and Al Capone sitting alongside him in a poker game) What are you doing here?
  Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet, so I ripped her in half like a phone book.
• When Peter learns that the Pope is in town, this happens:
  Peter: I just got a crazy idea!
  (pulls out waffle iron and jams his hand in it)
  Peter: AGH! AGH! WHY!? WHY!? (pulls it out) I just got another crazy idea! (runs off)

10. - "Da Boom"

• The fact that the apocalypse was a few seconds late from happening. Seriously, count from when Peter finishes his countdown, to when Brian angrily retorts with "A flautist, Peter!" to the family's angry rumblings about Peter's actions to when the apocalypse actually happens.
• Peter attempting to feed beans to Thomas Magnum through the TV screen, then scolding Higgins when he turns up on camera. Seth MacFarlane has said that this is his favorite moment of the show.
  • It should be worth noting that after a while, Higgins actually glares back at Peter with annoyance.
• Peter eats an entire year's worth of dehydrated meals and complains that he's still hungry, then drinks a glass of water and expands. He then tells everyone present to leave because he has to poop, but when they don't comply, he yells "NOW!" and they all run away.
• When a giant mutant rat approaches Joe, fused from the waist down to the concrete in his driveway, with the intent to eat him.
  Joe: BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!
  • The best bit? He shows back up later in the episode, dug up from the asphalt completely unharmed. HE WON.

11. - "Brian in Love"

• The cutaway of the Griffins, Cleveland, and Quagmire staging an intervention for Peter after he's spent the last eight months wearing a giant foam cowboy hat.
• When Brian watches The Price Is Right with Bob Barker giving his "spay and neuter your pets" sign-off, Brian mutters "Oh, just die already".
• Peter looks for a potty-training book for Stewie. The salesman offers him "Everybody Poops" and the less popular "Nobody Poops But You". When Peter says that he's Catholic, the salesman offers him "You're a Naughty Child and That's Concentrated Evil Coming out the Back of You".
  Peter: Perfect!
• Apparently, Peter never learned how to use the toilet by himself until after he got married.
• "Oh my God! You can talk!"
  • Brian's apathetic reaction to the aforementioned line is even more hilarious.
• During the montage where Brian goes out to fulfill his dreams, he goes skydiving. Before he jumps, his instructor realizes that he gave him a parachute bag full of silverware. He gives Brian another bag... with an anvil, which the instructor says is probably fine.
• The next scene in said montage has Brian drive through the woods, accidentally hitting a guy coming out of nowhere with his car. When he jumps out to help him:
  Brian: Oh my God! Are you Stephen King?
  Man: No, I'm Dean Koontz.
  Brian: (uninterested) Oh.
  (Brian walks back to his car... then runs him over twice for good measure.)
• The cutaway of Peter going to a drive-in movie theater, where his car is parked backward so he can't see the screen and declares "This sucks!"

12. - "Love Thy Trophy"

• Peter's theme for a parade float is based on the Who's the Boss? episode "Briefless Encounter", where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower. When Lois says that it might be esoteric, a board of directors in Peter's brain try to decipher the meaning of "esoteric" and come to the conclusion that it means "delicious".
  Peter: Lois, Who's the Boss? is not a food.
  Brian: (not even looking up from his magazine) Swing and a miss.
• Cleveland: I've never actually seen Who's The Boss.
  Quagmire: Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8:00...and home by 11:00! Oh!
• Later, when the whole neighborhood helps to build the float:
  Brian: It's amazing, Peter. You've inspired the whole neighborhood to work together.
  Peter: You know what's really amazing? I haven't brushed my teeth in three days, and no one has said a thing.
• Stewie at Flappy Jack's:
  Stewie: Flappy, guess what? I've decided not to kill you!
• Stewie ends up with a couple who have adopted multicultural kids, while he's jonesing for pancakes.
  Stewie: I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez moi pancakes! Click click bloody click pancakes!
• The part where Peter pretends to be Santa Claus after Stewie manipulated the other children into fighting, gloating about it as Peter carries him off:
  Peter: (after he falls through the chimney) Oh, hey, kids. I'm Santa Claus. Just praticing for Christmas.
  Indian Baby: But you're white. Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian.
  African Baby: Don't be stupid! Santa is black!
  Indian Baby: Santa can't be black. We do not fear him.
  Li: Cram it, Gandhi! Santa is Asian.
  Pablo: How can he be Asian?! Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on! Go back to your rice patty, Mulan!
  Peter: C'mon Stewie, we're gettin' outta here!
  Stewie: Dance, puppets, dance!

13. - "Death is a Bitch"

• Peter reminisces on how he had so much fun playing with his first bike, which cues a brief flashback of Peter as a child having a tea party with the bike.
  Peter: More tea, Mr. Bike?
• When Peter has a breast cancer scare, he refuses to see a doctor and tells Lois that they should just ignore it like they do with the squid. The camera zooms out to show a squid seated at their kitchen table who violently yanks the tablecloth off along with everything on it, which Lois and Peter respectfully pretend was an earthquake and a truck going by.
• Meg tries to comfort Lois by telling her that her friend Debbie Miller's dad had a lump on his breast and he turned out fine:
  Lois: Really? Who's Debbie Miller?
  Meg: A girl I just made up.
• When Peter tells the family that he might die very soon, everyone is shocked and saddened. Well, everyone except Stewie:
  Stewie: High five! Anyone? Anyone?
• Peter meeting Death for the first time.
  Peter: (nervously) Who are you?
  Death: (sarcastically) I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the hell do you think I am? I'm Death. Which one of you is Peter Griffin?
  Peter: (points to Chris) Um, he is.
  • Later when Death tells Peter that he has to take his place until Death's ankle heals, the camera dramatically zooms in on the Griffins, then the squid.
• The Adaptational Alternate Ending to Titanic that's cued up when Brian tells Peter how people need to die:
  (Jack seemingly sinks in the ocean)
  Rose: Noooooo!
  Jack: (pops back up) You know, actually, I think I'm gonna be okay.
  Rose: Oh, Jack. Now we can get married and everything you promised.
  Jack: Yeah, about that. Uh, I was pretty sure I was gonna die, 'cause actually, there's this girl in New York, and it's getting kind of serious. But, you know, thanks for letting me draw you naked. (laughing) I still can't believe you let me do that!
• Death tells Peter that all he has to do is kill someone to restore the natural order of things:
  Stewie: I know! Why don't you kill Lois?
  Death: No, one death isn't gonna do it. You have to do something that will get everyone's attention, something huge.
  Chris: How about if you blow up the Earth?
  Death: Too huge, but you're thinking. I like that.
  Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
  Death: Well, that would just leave England.
• Death himself solemnly explains the necessity of dying to Peter, bringing up the idea of a world where Adolf Hitler was still alive. Cut to Hitler hosting a talk show where he interviews Christian Slater and asks to see his ass, ending in addressing the audience that, if they would like tickets to the show, they should call "213-DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN^*"You will need a nurse!"."
• None of the cast from Dawson's Creek know who Karen Black is.

14. - "The King is Dead"

• Peter walks in on Tom Tucker doing a seductive pose to himself in the mirror. Tom repeatedly stammers "Get out of here!" and trips over a chair in the process.
• Peter's version of The King and I. It takes place in a dystopian future, the King (played by Brian) is a vicious tyrant, Anna (played by Peter) is an android warrior who kung-fu fights him, the Siamese children are gorgeous women in bikinis who attempt to seduce Anna, Anna declares Siam the United States of America when he wins, and it's all wrapped up with everybody singing a song that ends with a gratuitous line about Paul Lynde being gay.
• "Hey, were you there when I farted?"
• The cutaways of Peter trying to find his sense of creativity:
  Peter: First, I took an art class.
  (cue Cutaway Gag to Peter drawing a nude model)
  Flashback!Peter: Am I...am I supposed to draw the penis?
  Peter: Then I tried sculpting.
  (cue Peter sculpting another nude model)
  Flashback!Peter: Am I...am I supposed to sculpt the penis?
  Peter: And then I tried music!
  (cue Peter conducting a choir with no nudity involved)
  Flashback!Peter: Am I...am I supposed to conduct with my penis?
  Peter: I was starting to think there was nothing I'd be good at, but then I realized that this is it. Lois, my penis belongs onstage!

15. - "I am Peter, Hear Me Roar"

• The slides in the timeshare presentation initially start off normal, until they randomly show the property as having an flesh-eating ogre attacking and eating the residents.
• "A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything! It could even be a boat!"
• The time Peter got caught peeping in the lady's locker room...
• Peter trying to breastfeed Stewie.

16. - "If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'"

• When Chris suggests writing a letter to get Gumbel 2 Gumbel back on the air, Peter said he tried that once and it got him in a lot of trouble. We then cut to Peter writing a letter where he says "If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll be very upset. The skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot." When Lois distracts him, he accidentally spills white-out on the letter, making it read, "If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson," right before Peter sticks it in an envelope. In the next scene, Craig T. Nelson appears on Peter's doorstep, handing Peter a gun and telling him "Make it quick."
• Peter's first attempt to get Gumbel 2 Gumbel un-canceled:
  Peter: Well, until you put Gumbel 2 Gumbel back on the air, I'm going to go on a hunger strike. How about that, huh? Want that on your conscience?
  (Beat)
  Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
  Executive: You can't eat a stapler...
  Peter: Wanna split it?
• During a meeting at NBC Headquarters, one of the execs protests that everything they come up with is the same generic thing, and suggesting they come up with something new. In response, the network president beats him senseless with a framed poster for Just Shoot Me!
• Peter and Chris' "Make a Wish" scam gets out of hand:
  Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
  Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
  (brief pause)
  Peter: Oh, yeah.
• The scene where the Gumbel brothers are interrogating the purse snatcher, where the one who asked the criminal goes "Mmm-hmm, mm. Mmm-hmm, mm, etc" in an endless loop fashion.
  Purse-Snatcher: (to the other brother) What the hell's wrong with him?
• One of the things that Peter has his worshippers do for him is have two of them be used as his shoes.
• The plague of blood occurs while Meg is giving Stewie a bath. Meg is naturally freaked out, but Stewie, not so much.
  Stewie: (still playing with his boat) How postively delightful! It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble!
• Brian gets fed up with Peter insisting that there's a rational explanation for the plagues.
  Brian: You want an explanation?! (grabs Peter by the collar and starts slapping him) GOD! IS! PISSED!

17. - "Running Mates"

• The montage of Peter's presidential campaign, where he accidentally stabs a guy in the chest with a button and shakes the hand of an ugly baby instead of kissing him.
• At the debate, Peter can't think of anything for his opening statement, so he quotes the opening theme songs of One Day at a Time (1975), Diff'rent Strokes, and The Facts of Life in turn, ending with "Sit, Ubu, sit! Good dog!"

18. - "A Picture is Worth a 1,000 Bucks"

• Meg and Peter walk along a New York street when the background suddenly changes to that of The Flintstones. They look around in absolute confusion and fear before slowly backing away, thinking they've entered the wrong side of town.
• "Work of art, or container of crazy purple knockout gas?!"
  • Peter then ends up spraying himself with it.
• Brian recalling the last time he went to the theater with Peter. The family is seeing Uncle Vanya by Chekhov, but Peter just stares in disbelief at the scene before finally shouting, "What the hell is this?! For crying out loud, somebody throw a pie!"
• Meg accidentally summoning Big Bird with her bird calls.
  Big Bird: Yeah? Well, whaddya want?
  Meg: Uh...
  Big Bird: You called me, right?
  Meg: Oh, no, no. I wasn't calling you.
  Big Bird: Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Yeah? Y- You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town, this time of day? Huh?
  Peter: Listen, uh, mister, we don't want any trouble here.
  Big Bird: I don't fly, you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh, and people don't stare. You make me puke. (spits on her shoes) Bitch.
• This Overly Long Gag:
  Meg: I quit.
  Peter: Now, wait just a minute, young lady. Don't you walk away from me. Hey! Hey! Don't you start runnin'! Wait! Meg! Meg, get off that bus. Don't, don't you go to LaGuardia! Meg? Meg, listen to me. Don't you dare get on that plane. Don't shell out five bucks for headphones for Magnolia— okay, now I'm pissed.
• The cutaway where Robert Mapplethorpe works as a caricaturist for a little kid:
  Mapplethorpe: Uh, okay, Tim. Who's your favorite sports star?
  Tim: Uh, Reggie Jackson.
  Mapplethorpe: Okay, well I'm gonna draw him pooping on your chest. What number is he?
• The cutaway where Stephen King pitches a book to his editor:
  Stephen: Okay, for my 307th book… Uh… This couple is attacked by a… Uh… (looks around) Uh… (sees a lamp and picks it up) A lamp monster! (waves it around, making ghost noises) Oooh! Oooooh!
  Staff Editor: You're not even trying anymore, are you?
  Stephen: (repeatedly thrusting the lamp at him like a sword) Rah! Rah, rah! Rah! Rah! Rah, rah!
  Staff Editor: (rolling his eyes resignedly and holding out his hand) When can I have it?

19. - "Fifteen Minutes of Shame"

• The cold opening of the episode has Peter painting along with The Joy of Painting, which takes one hell of a sudden turn.
• The utterly ridiculous scene of a live confession between a couple on Diane's talk show:
  Mario: Erica, you know I love you, but I gotta come clean. I'm not really a man. I'm a woman. (takes off disguise as crowd cheers in excitement)
  Erica: Oh mah god, you're a woman?
  Mario: Well... actually, I'm not really a woman. I'm a horse. (takes off another disguise)
  Erica: Oh mah god, you're a horse!?
  Mario: Actually, I'm not really a horse. I'm a broom. (takes off ANOTHER disguise, revealing an inanimate broom that tips over as the audience goes nuts)
  Diane: Okay, okay! So, how do you feel?
  Erica: To be honest with you, Diane, I'm surprised.
• As the Griffins are having dinner at the seafood shanty and Meg loudly gets fed up with them being on reality TV, Stewie can be seen in the tank behind them, having an intense battle with a lobster.
• Peter's nonchalant reaction to falling through his own stairwell and getting stuck.
  Peter: Hey, Lois? Have you seen my fake beard? (crunch) Oh, crap. I'm stuck in the stairs.
• When Peter and Lois see Meg after she's replaced, it's shown that they distracted the cameramen by pretending to take Chris to soccer practice. Cut to Chris sitting in the car with a pair of Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls in the front seats:
  Chris: We're gonna be late! Why won't you talk to me?!

20. - "Road to Rhode Island"

• "I-I'm not drunk, alright, I just have a speech impediment. (puke) And a stomach virus. (collapse) And an inner ear infection."
• Stewie takes care of an overly loud drug buy keeping him awake as only he can:
  Stewie: Oh, for God's sake. There's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. (yells) He's wearing a wire!
  Dealer: What? You son of a—
  (cue gunshots and the sound of a body falling over. Stewie yawns, rolls over, and goes to sleep)
• This gem, as the duo travel in a stolen car.
  Brian: Look, I just need some time to think.
  Stewie: Yes, you've got lots to think about, don't you? Public drunkenness, grand theft auto...
  Brian: You left out the part where I made you smash your head into the windshield.
  Stewie: Well now, funny, I don't recall...
  (Brian slams on the brakes, makes Stewie smash his head into the windshield)
  Stewie: (gets back up) Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one.
• Brian and Stewie try to get to Brian's old home via a crop duster. They try to take off... only to put the plane between two cows, snapping the wings clean off. Stewie's completely deadpan reaction:
  Stewie: Humph! Boy, will your face be red when they find the black box on this one.
• Peter trying to explain to Lois why he bought another "relationship tape" to save their romance.
  Peter: Lois, our relationship cannot be measured in nipples and dimes... I-I mean nickels and boobs... Money! (runs to the bedroom with the tape) I'll be upstairs!
• When Lois finally catches on:
  Dr. Amanda Rebecca: And then guess what we're going to add?
  Peter: Oh jeez, if she says "Mrs. Dash", I'm gonna lose it.
  Dr. Amanda Rebecca: We're going to add—
  (the tape cuts to an angry Lois via static)
  Lois: Peter!
  (Peter gasps)
  Lois: I know what you've been doing, and I'm very upset with you.
  Peter: Wow, usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished.
  Lois: These tapes are about communication! If you wanted to see a woman acting nasty, (disrobes) you shoulda told me.
  Peter: (perks up) THIS IS HOT.
  Lois: (coquettishly) Turn around!
  (he sees Lois posing flirtatiously behind him)
  Peter: Lois! This- this is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me!
  Lois: Peter, it's okay.
  Peter: Yeah?
  Lois: I was trying to be sexy for you!
  Peter: (delighted) Ohhh... c'mere you! (passionately kisses her)
  • And while Peter's kissing Lois, he keeps replaying "You shoulda told me" on the tape.

21. - "Let's Go to the Hop"

• Peter describing his experiences with drugs, and how things got "way too real."
• Peter seeking advice from a poster of Greg Allman:
  Peter: Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down?
  Greg: Me? I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Cher. I wouldn't recommend either one of them.

22. - "Dammit Janet!"

• Meg mentions how Peter once turned the house into a giant puppet.
  Peter: Hey! Hey! Stay outta here! Hey! Nobody better come in here! I'm the Griffins' house! Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry!

23. - "There's Something About Paulie"

• After buying a shoddy car because the salesman convinced him that it belonged to James Bond, Peter prepares to drive it out of the lot, only for it to immediately break down. When he believes that the dealership will fix the car, the building promptly collapses behind them.
• At the start of the episode, Peter enlists the help of a shady individual who asks Peter to write down his phone number on his gun. When Peter makes a mistake, he casually crumples up the gun like a piece of paper and asks if the man has another.
• When Peter meets The Don, who asks him for a favor, Peter assumes said favor is gonna involve him killing someone.
  Peter: What are you gonna make me do!? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married!
• After Big Fat Paulie gets involved in a VERY long drive-by and falls over dead, Peter's first reaction?
  Peter: Ah jeez! You okay?
• When Peter realizes Lois has a mob hit on her, he plans to move the family to England, where the worst thing there are "drive-by... arguments."
  Englishman: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth?
  Jeremy: Why yes, I daresay that's the fellow.
  Englishman: Oh, let's get him.
  (They drive up)
  Englishman: Oh Reginald...
  (Reginald perks up)
  Englishman: I DISAGREE! (car peels off)
• When Peter has to find the Don to call off Lois' hit, he can only find a mobster in a "Pet Store. That's It, Pet Store."
  Peter: Look, I gotta call off the hit on my wife, where's the Don?
  Mobster: (loud and monotone) The Don!? I don't know what you're talking about! (holds up a sign saying "THE COPS HAVE THIS PLACE BUGGED")
  Peter: Oh, come on, you know, the Don! You know, the captain of the mafia!
  Mobster: (holds up another sign saying "WHAT ARE YOU, A MORON?") Peter, there is no such thing as the mafia! (hands Peter an envelope and pulls out a longer sign)
  Peter: (reading aloud) "The Don's daughter is getting married tomorrow, here's my invitation." (looks at envelope) "Now get the asterisk-percent-ampersand out of here you SOB." What's a sob?
  (mobster decks him in the head with the sign)
• Peter's rendition of "Rhinestone Cowboy" at the wedding of the Don's daughter.
  Peter: Like a Rhinestone Cowboy! DUN! DAAAAAAAAH!
  (Mobsters reach into their shirts)
  Peter: Frebuhuhmuecuh in a star-spangled horse in a rodeo!
  (Mobsters aim their guns)
  Peter: For my next number...
  (Mobsters cock their guns)
  Peter: Thank you very much, thank you Pawtucket!
• The cutaway where Peter claims he had "that growth" looked at:
  Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis.
  Peter: Oh. Well, what about the-
  Dr. Hartman: (interrupting) Testicles.
  Peter: ...Huh.
• While waiting at the movie theater, Peter mistakes several people for Big Fat Paulie, including a man named Marty, who punches him, a fat woman, who maces him, and Louie Anderson, who kicks him in the groin. When Big Fat Paulie finally shows up, he puts Peter in a headlock, hocks a loogie on his tie, and pours a carton of milk down his pants, before confirming that he's indeed the mobster in question.
  Peter: Heh. Guess I've got milk! (chuckles weakly, then flinches) Don'tshootme!

24. - "He's Too Sexy for His Fat"

• The main plot is kickstarted when someone calls Chris fat at the pool. What's funny is that the same thing happened at the store during the cold opening, so the main plot would have started earlier if the security guard didn't distract Chris with a chocolate bar.
• When Brian explains a previous "more natural approach" to getting rid of fleas, it cuts to him getting acupuncture by a Chinese doctor with an inexplicably thick Irish accent. Even in the official commentary, the crew is just as confused and curious about where he's from.
  Brian: Hey, doc, do you have to keep those two boxes right next to each other?
  (cut to a shelf with boxes listing "Needles" and "Poison Tipped Needles" next to each other)
  Acupuncturist: Why? What do they say?
  Brian: (beat) I think we're through here.
• When fleas infest the Griffin household:
  Lois: Peter! Stewie's covered in fleas!
  Peter: (unfazed) Big deal. When I was his age I was covered in ticks.
  Lois: Peter, this isn't a contest!
  Peter: (proudly) It was back then.
  (Peter points to a trophy on the shelf labeled "Covered in most ticks")
  
  Peter: There's only one thing to do—learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, and breed with their women. And in time our differences will be forgotten.
  Lois: CALL THE DAMN EXTERMINATOR!!!
• The exterminators, for whatever reason, are a group of hardcore commandos who fight the fleas with guns. One of them is also traumatized after watching his family be kidnapped and presumably killed by fire ants, but he comes out of his state of shock just in time to rescue his teammates from a single flea that they treated as something that could kill them all.
• At the hotel the Griffins check into while their house is being repaired, Stewie laments that the inner tube he was given to use the pool is shaped like a turtle, which he describes as "nature's D student".
• To get Chris to run on a treadmill, Peter sticks a dart on Chris's forehead with a Twinkie tied to the other end so he'll chase after it. He later manages to get it by laying on his back, saying that he'll turn it into poo.
• One of Chris's exercises is swimming upstream like a salmon. He's caught in the jaws of a bear, whereupon Peter tells him to soil himself like they practiced.
• After Peter introduces his new thin body to the family:
  Stewie: My god, it's finally happened! He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself, like a neutron star!
• Later, when Peter gets another surgery and emerges as an almost unrecognizable hunk, Brian starts to tell who he presumes is a stranger to get out and, without missing a single beat or changing his tone or facial expression, realizes what's going on.
  Brian: Hey pal, you can't just come in here without— holy crap, it's Peter.
• Lois chastizing Peter when he's allowed into the "Beautiful People's Club" but Chris isn't:
  Lois: Ahh, I hate what you've become! Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head!?
  Peter: Maybe I will! Then I'll put it on my feet and skate around on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!
  Lois: That doesn't make any sense!
  Peter: It doesn't have to, I'm beautiful!
• When Peter reminisces on places that don't let people pay with credit cards, a cutaway is brought up where Peter thinks a little girl selling lemonade is some kind of drug dealer:
  Little Girl: But mister, I need real money. I can't take a credit card.
  Peter: Oh, cash only, huh, huh? No paper trail, huh? What are you selling? Reefer? Crack? Smack? Horse? X? Shrooms? Dust? Meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so! (Peter smashes the lemonade stand as the girl runs off crying)
• "Well if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in! See you at home, Chris."
• After Peter insults Lois and walks out of the house, leaving her staring at his toned ass:
  Brian: Are you gonna take that? ...Lois!
  Lois: What? Oh. Brian. I was, I was seeing if the, uh, driveway.
  Brian: That wasn't a sentence. You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl.
  Lois: Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know, he's become a superficial, egomaniacal jerk, but I've never been more attracted to him. Does that make me a bad person?
  Brian: Yes. Yes, it does make you a bad person!
• The episode's B-plot sees Stewie pigging out on sweets to make Chris envious, only to gradually balloon up himself. Highlights include:
  • When he tries to ride a spring-loaded horsey at the park. "Well then. Giddy-up."
  • Stewie attempting to eat an ice cream cone, only to be unable to reach it; he then insults another baby passing by. The effort makes him pass out.
• Dr. Hartman (in one of his first appearances) removing Peter's "protective Mr. Potato Head mask" after surgery.
• The end of the episode sees Peter gain all of the weight he lost back by becoming distracted by his own beauty and falling from his car into a conveniently located lard factory. When Lois asks if he's learned a lesson from his vanity, he puts his hands behind his head and proudly declares "NOPE!" And then the episode just stops. ^note Commentary reveals that the writers did have a few pages left of Peter explaining what he'd discovered about himself, but when the episode ran long, they decided that him outright declaring his Aesop Amnesia was funnier. If you ever wanted to sum this show up to someone who'd never seen it, this would be the perfect scene to do so.

25. - "E. Peterbus Unum"

• During Peter's audit, he reveals that he was once operated on by a discount surgeon.
  Surgeon: Uh... I'm not sure which one to cut here... the red one or the blue one...
  Peter: (while under the scalpel) Okay, just relax, let's see uh... why don't you attach that green one to that purple one?
  Surgeon: Okay, here it goes... (digs in, causing Peter to collapse and flatline) Oh, god! (scrambles it back together)
  Peter: (back up) That kill me?
  Surgeon: Uh huh!
  Peter: Yeah, was afraid of that, alright, try the green one with the blue one.
• As Peter initially digs out the family's backyard himself for a pool when he's denied a tax refund, he accidentally cuts through a power line, shutting off Joe's TV, Quagmire's sex doll, and for whatever reason, Cleveland's trampoline.
• The entire scene where Peter goes to Mayor Adam West's office for a pool permit. Mayor West originally jumps Peter and beats the crap out of him, thinking he's the district attorney out for some of his taffy. Seth MacFarlane says in the commentary "You should've seen him recording this, he was giving 110% that day."
• When Peter annexes Joe's pool and makes it a new part of Petoria he calls "Joehio", we cut to the US Army informing then-president Bill Clinton and discussing their options. The discussion is rather straightforward, but for some inexplicable reason, Clinton is completely naked.
• The complete and utter ridiculousness of the US imposing political sanctions against Petoria is best summed up with this straight-face line, as Tom Tucker reports live from the military blockade:
  Tom: I'm here at the Petorian front, where the US has cut off all electricity, water, and gas to the tiny four-bedroom republic.
  • What's more, Tom acts like he's doing serious war coverage, and afterwards he reports "Oh my god, they're opening fire!" as sounds fire off in the background... and then the camera pans to Tom popping bubble wrap and playing a slide whistle.
  Tom: And now, sports.
• In a hilarious fluke gag, just as the US finally engages "Operation Bomb the Crap Out of Your House" ("The guy who comes up with the names is on vacation!"), their first missile misfires, instead hitting Quagmire's house. It doesn't explode, it just casually juts partway through the roof as Quagmire and a random woman are having wine on the couch.
  Quagmire: To answer your question, something like that.
• When everyone except Brian leaves Peter in his war against the US, Brian says that he's been with him through worse. Cut to Peter and Brian on a Ferris wheel where Peter is inexplicably on fire.
• The cutaway to Peter's grandfather, who worked in Termite Terrace.
  Producer: Okay, we've narrowed it down to two possible names. All in favor of "Bugs Bunny"? (everyone except Peter's grandfather raises their hands) And all in favor of "Ephraim, the Retarded Rabbit"?
  (nobody raises their hand except Peter's grandfather)
  Peter's grandfather: (offended) Oh, you can all go to hell! (storms out)
• Peter at the United Nations:
  UN podium guy: Is there a problem back there?
  Peter: You bet your funny accent there's a problem. I'm stuck up here in the nosebleeds! I am president of Petoria, I want a better seat.
  UN podium guy: Oh, of course, how could we not have recognized the great nation of Petoria? Have a seat up front.
  Peter: Well, that's more like it!
  UN podium guy: And hey, would you also like a special satellite that can scratch your ass with a laser beam from space?
  Peter: They have those?
  (other UN representatives laugh at Peter)
• During Lois' impromptu homeschooling session, Chris feels the need to pass a note to Meg during class. Due to them being the only two students and sitting mere feet from Lois, she immediately catches him and forces him to read it out to the class. It's Lois' perfect deadpan reaction that sells it.
  Chris: "I think Mrs. Griffin is hot."
  Lois: Go to your room.

26. - "The Story on Page One"

• When Mayor West pulls a Deliberate Injury Gambit to get out of Meg's interview of him, his aide hands her a Cartoon Bomb that explodes in her face. Her mouth is suddenly replaced with a Daffy Duck-style beak on the back of her head that she turns to her face and declares "Of course you realize, this means war!" before storming off.
• The sequence where Stewie imagines what being big would be like. Turns out he would open a Big and Tall Man's Shop for other plus-sized men. The image of Stewie's normal head on the body of a gigantic fat guy is hilarious.
  • Immediately after, when Chris helps him get the Fig Newtons he was after, he begins to muse about using his older brother for his schemes — until he's interrupted by how good the Newton tastes and screams "OH MY GOD, THERE'S AN ORGY IN MY MOUTH."
• Stewie trying to buy instruments of carnage at the hardware store via a mind-controlled Chris. Seth Green affecting a Chris-ified version of Stewie's plummy Evil Brit accent while spouting Stewie's Ax-Crazy threats is hysterical. The "Family Guy Cast and Creator" episode of Inside the Actors Studio reveals that this is Green's favorite Chris scene.
• Peter tries to cheer Meg up by giving her a pony that he kept in the closet, but evidently, he reduced it to a skeleton by forgetting to feed it.
  Peter: Oh... Oh God, that's right. Ponies...p-ponies like food, don't they? Oh, boy.

27. - "Wasted Talent"

• After admitting that he lied about the last Silver Scroll being found so he could find it himself, Tom punishes himself by putting a live earwig in his brain. After noting that it tickles a little, nothing happens for a few seconds. Tom then takes a deep inhale and starts screaming bloody murder as the earwig eats out the back of his eyes.
• The first use of the "Sssss, aaaah!" Overly Long Gag and its subsequent shorter use later in the episode. Unlike some other Running Gags on the show, it doesn't veer into Overused Running Gag territory.
• This classic exchange:
  Young Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
  Museum Guide: Because you touch yourself at night.
  (brief pause, Young Peter looks down in shame)
• The whole Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory spoof. It has a ninja, a faked drive-by, and a hilarious parody of "Pure Imagination" dubbed "Pure Inebriation". As Peter says:
  Peter: It's like I died and went to Heaven! But then they realized that it wasn't my time, and so they sent me back to a brewery.
  • Since it's a Willy Wonka parody, there are also Oompa-Loompa expies—in this case, they're called the Chumba-Wumbas. What's Joe's "bad" behavior that gets him kicked off the tour? Being in a wheelchair (the factory has no ramp). The song they sing to him is straight up insulting.
    What do get when you're STUCK IN A CHAIR? / Finding it hard to go up and down stairs! / What do you think of the one you call God? / Isn't his absence slight-ly-odd? MAYBE HE'S FORGOTTEN YOU.
  • In a sight gag that's not even acknowledged in the episode, the fourth set of people on the tour are Grandpa Joe and Charlie themselves.
• To get Peter drunk before the piano competition, Lois takes him to a teen party. When the police arrive and question Peter why he's drinking illegally, he tells Lois to look over there and then tells the two officers to run. They fall for it.

28. - "Fore, Father"

• Quagmire's car having blow-up dolls for airbags.
• After taking Cleveland Jr. as his golfing protégé, Peter asks him to call him Mr. Drummond, and later asks him to call him Mr. Papadopoulos, but Cleveland Jr. draws the line at letting Peter call him "Webster".
• After Joe claims that Kevin's going to be quite a man, a cutaway pops up of Kevin having finished sex with his new wife:
  Wife: That was incredible, Kevin.
  Kevin: I'm not here to impress you... (camera pulls back to reveal Joe next to their bed) am I, dad?
  Joe: DID I SAY YOU COULD REST YET?!
• Stewie, before his physical:
  Stewie: Remind me to ask the doctor when my other testicle's going to drop.

Season Three

29. - "The Thin White Line"

• The midgets having to jump for the mugshot photos after getting arrested.
• Brian's stint as a seeing eye dog involves the odd act of taking a blind man to a movie.
  Brian: Okay, they're-they're in the woods... the camera keeps on moving... Uh, I think they're, they're looking for some witch or something, I-I don't know, I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening... nothing's happening... something about a map. Nothing's happening... It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.
• In the morning after Brian busts a drug operation, he rhetorically asks what the street value of the stolen cocaine would've been. Lois of all people quickly does the mental math over the factors ("4.7 kilos, uncut Nicaraguan") and gives a correct estimate, surprising him. Lois, is there something you should tell us?
• While admiring all of the activities the rehabilitation center offers for its patients, such as swimming, running and tennis, Chris muses, without a hint of irony in his voice, "Wow! No wonder people do drugs!"
• Peter coming up with a Line-of-Sight Alias to explain why he's in the rehab cafeteria, and somehow manages to still say his real name. How? By spotting a "pea" on a dish, a "tear" running down a girl's face, and an actual griffin flying through the cafeteria.
  Peter: Pea, uh, tear, uh, gryphon. Yeah, Peter Griffin...aw crap.
• "I've often dreamt of a life at sea..."
• Peter's short stint as George Harrison's security guard.
  (while George is fighting a burglar) Hey, hey. Quiet down out there! Ya wacky Beatle...

30. - "Brian Does Hollywood"

• The action-packed Previously on… sequence of scenes which obviously never happened in the show, let alone the previous episode. The format alone is funny, but it becomes hilarious as you realize they're ripping apart every action movie cliche ever, from a ridiculous Wire Dilemma to cops continuing to shoot at a suspect fleeing by helicopter.
• Near the beginning of the episode, there's a cutaway of Peter and Brian throwing a frisbee back and forth. Due to Rule of Funny, Brian manages to accidentally cut off the top half of Peter's head with the frisbee and Peter yells "What are the odds?!" as the top of his head with his eyes stares up at the rest of him.
• One massive Black Comedy Burst comes from a cutaway when Peter mentions that he hasn't been to California since he lived with his other family. As it turns out, his other family was the Manson Family. When he tells them that he got invited to a party at Sharon Tate's house, he says that he'll let them come if they promise not to embarrass him.
• Brian obliviously asks "So this is for some kind of shampoo commercial, right?" while entering the porno set. When he realizes what he's gotten himself into, he repeats, with a noticeably anxious tone, "So this is for some kind of shampoo commercial, right??"
• Chris, unaware that Brian is making a porno, wonders if Samuel L. Jackson is in it, seeing as "he's in everything." Cut to...
  "Ok, Sam, I just need you to lie down next to the fireplace..."
• Lois says that it's best the family don't get in Brian's way because it wouldn't be the first time Peter's disrupted a performance. It then cuts to a performance of Cats... and Peter accidentally runs over one of the on-stage performers.
  Peter: Oh, jeez. Oh, God. I didn't see it. It jumped right out in front of my car. Oh, I am so sorry.
• The Woody (a pornography award show) nominees for best soundtrack, who consist of two seedy-looking guys with synthesizers, and John Williams, who apparently uses a full orchestra even when he's scoring pornography films.
  • And of course, the other two are the show's composers, Ron Jones and Walter Murphy.
• When the actual physical award is shown, it's actually pixellated.

31. - "Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington"

• Peter coming up with an excuse to skip work for a baseball game: he was in a plane crash that killed his whole family and left him a vegetable. When Brian tells him that his excuses are lamer than FDR's legs, everyone gasps in shock, prompting Brian to ask "Too soon?"
• Chris' confused idiom as he waits for dinner.
  Chris: I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. (beat) I don't get it. I could ride it to the store, I guess...
• In the scene where the cigarette company coated the entire house in Teflon microfilm so that it's easier to clean... then everybody slips because they got the floor too. The kicker?
  Stewie: (sliding by on his butt, nude) I'm Nudes on Ice!
• "Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole... Bob Dole... Bob... Dole..." *falls asleep*
• Peter demonstrates his ability to recite all fifty states in less than a second. It's just a loud yelp.
• "SMOKE!"
  • "Are you smoking yet?"
• "That Guy!"
  • Just before the sequence begins, Peter is shown trying to lick a running desk fan (a Brick Joke from earlier when he sticks his penis in a pencil sharpener).
• Stewie lighting up a cigarette and going into Gossipy Hens mode:
  "Oh, by the way, you'll never believe who I ran into at the market today: Patty Croft! Oh, and she has gotten faaaaaaaat..."
• "Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano." Cut to live-action footage of...
  Alyssa: What kind of cheap shot!? Joel! (pans over to her lawyer on the phone)
  Joel: I'm suing, I'm suing, I'm on it, I'm on it!
• "Cigarettes killed my father... and RAPED my mother!"
• Peter hires Jewish writers. When he's addressing Congress, he asks them for a zinger to go out on, but they inform him that their lunch is here and leave Peter hanging. He improvises:
  Peter: ...Well, that's my mama! (nervous laugh)

32. - "One if by Clam, Two if by Sea"

• As the Griffin family is huddled up with the approach of a hurricane and Lois tells everyone that the biggest danger to them is broken glass, she then chastises Peter for playing "What I Did For Love" on wine glasses.
• Peter telling Chris how sometimes good things happen while you're asleep, cutting to Peter talking about someone named Jenny and Lois waking up angrily.
  Peter: Oh, Richard Jeni, your HBO comedy specials have brought pleasure to millions.
  (Lois smiles and goes back to sleep)
  Peter: ...and what a sweet ass.
  (Lois' eyes immediately dart open)
  • Not to mention the fact that Richard Jeni is a guy.
• When Peter and the gang head to the under-new-management Drunken Clam, they notice something's off...
  Bartender: Evening, gents, how about a nice warm lager?
  Patron 1: And help yourself to a packet of crisps?
  Patron 2: Or a ruddy nice plum pudding?
  Peter: Holy crap! It's a gay bar!
• Soon after a British man explains cricket to Peter:
  Peter: Did anybody get that?
  Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that "fag" means "cigarette".
  Peter: Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up!
  • What makes the scene even funnier is that despite being played as being completely incomprehensible jargon, the actual cricket commentary is spot-on^ExplanationIn short, the commentator is merely describing the bowler's preferred technique (in this case, he's an off-spinner) and the fielding positions of the players, hence "long on", "square leg", "deep extra cover", etc. While the fielding being illustrated could fall under scrutiny, nothing about the actual descriptions and terminology being used is inaccurate or implausible.
• "I say, Carruthers; you know what's really funny? A man dressed in women's clothing!"
  • "Mm. Quite. Ripping good laugh."
• The ending pays off a pretty funny Brick Joke: The insurance adjuster explains to Lois, Bonnie and Lorretta that Nigel took out a huge policy on the pub just before the fire. When Lois asks him if he finds that suspicious, he replies that no, it happens all the time. Then he starts to ponder what he just said and walks away. When he busts Nigel, he declares that what Pinchley did is a textbook case of "Insurance....Fr-owd?"^note Rhymes with "cloud". literally holding a dictionary to make sure he got it right.

33. - "And the Wiener is..."

• One of Peter's competition ideas is sticking various utensils and other kitchen goods on his head and in his nose/ears. Once he wins, he ends up parading around the table, only to trip and fall off-screen.
  Peter: Um... Lois, get the medical dictionary, and look up 'fork' and 'lung'.
  Lois: Why?
  Peter: Time's a factor, Lois!
• Peter notices that there's apparently something wrong with Chris' leg. Then he realizes: "Oh my god, that's not your leg!"
• On a hunting trip, Chris and Peter are attacked by a bear, and Peter's life flashes before his eyes, including repeatedly failing to pass the fourth grade. It finally shows him passing as an adult... right before he went on the hunting trip.

34. - "Death Lives"

• The rather peculiar "gift" that Peter gave Lois on their last anniversary:
  Lois: (opening a present) My goodness, a human thumb! Where did you ever find this?
  Peter: (who has his hand tucked in his armpit, the armpit area of his shirt stained red, and is shivering violently) It was on eBay. (doubles over and vomits) OH GOD, CALL AN AMBULANCE!
• One result of Peter's attempts to golf is accidentally hitting a businessman talking to another over the phone:
  Businessman 1: The fed is going to be lowering, so get your money out of T-bills and put it all into— (gets hit in the head with a stray ball) waffles, tasty waffles, with lots of syrup.
  Businessman 2: Waffles! Buy waffles!
  (crowd of investors rushes to put stocks in waffles)
• OUT OF ME WAY, THEY'RE AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS!!!
  • "I'm paying him ten bucks to say it!"
• While in limbo, Peter tries to get back into his body by going down his throat. Later, he steals the money from his own wallet.
• After Peter's terrible first impression, Carter shows him a bronze statue and bludgeons him with it, then orders two of his men to wrap Peter in a rug while he's unconscious and throw him out a helicopter into the sea. He's rescued by a Navy aircraft carrier because they mistook him for a manatee and were prepared to make him into soup.
  • Before whacking Peter with the bronze statue, Carter takes a moment to tell Peter about it:
    Carter: What do you think of this?
    Peter: It's nice.
    Carter: It's Etruscan.
    Peter: Get out of here.
    Carter: No, seriously.
    Peter: Oh, that's great.
    (Carter knocks him out)
• During the B-plot scavenger hunt, Lois and the kids are trying to figure out how to get the clue at the top of a greased flagpole. Chris comes up with a solution which makes sense in spirit, but not quite the execution.
  Chris: Don't worry. We've been studying fulcrums in school. You have to counterbalance the weight at the point where the lever pivots. Like so! (headbutts the flagpole base and knocks himself unconscious)
• According to Death, when Peter got struck by lightning he soiled himself.
• This bit:
  Peter: What if I helped you get a girl?
  Death: Really? You'd do that?
  Peter: Sure, all we gotta do is get you fixed up, get your hair cut, give you a good, clea— (pulls off Death's hood seeing his skull, which is crawling with maggots and has a snake going through it) AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (pulls his hood back on and goes back to sounding calm) —shave, cologne, and chicks'll be all over you.
  Death: Gee! You really think so?
  Peter: Absolutely. (throws up when Death is out of earshot)
• When Peter's scavenger hunt takes his family to the sewers, Chris tells Lois that his goldfish they flushed wasn't dead, because he mutated in the sewer and has Chris at gunpoint, clearly vengeful over being mistaken for dead.
• In the flashback of Peter meeting Cleveland, they drive through South Carolina, which proudly displays a Confederate flag on the welcome sign, and are immediately pursued by a car full of Klansmen. Cleveland is understandably afraid of getting lynched, but Peter thinks that they're being chased by ghosts, causing Cleveland to shoot him a confused look.
• After Death gets with his crush, he can't stand her Granola Girl tendencies for long and kills her instantly, before closing out the episode with a Check, Please!.
  • Earlier, he tries to chat her up at the pet store she works at, but can't get a word in edgewise because every animal in the shop is losing its shit at Death having just walked through the door.

35. - "Lethal Weapons"

• When Peter and friends go to the Drunken Clam after the New Yorkers invade:
  Peter: Horace, put the Pats game on the TV and get me a few beers.
  Horace: Sorry, Peter. Someone stole the remotes. And the kegs. And I'm not sure, but I think I've been shot. [sees that he has indeed been shot in the chest] Yep. [collapses]
• Peter tries to scare off the New Yorkers by pretending to be a man-eating tree and claiming that he ate "insane New York anchorman" Dan Rather and "asexual former mayor" Ed Koch.
• Lois pimp slaps her Tae-Jitsu teacher to provoke him into fighting her.
• Peter tries to insert a straw into a juice box, until he gets frustrated and destroys the box, then drinks the juice off the table.
• Quagmire getting his boner caught in a window. "Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's in a window this time".
• Stewie suddenly reveals a tape under his shirt that recorded Lois saying she's a bad mother:
  Stewie: Ah-ha! I got it all on tape! (plays tape)
  Stewie on tape: Okay, this is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. (Present Stewie makes an Oh, Crap! face) What's new, Ed? Well, Stewie, tonight we have a really big show. Okay, and now a word from our sponsors. It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides! Bzzt! Butterfingers!
  Stewie: (stops tape) ...I was making radio shows for fun. Everybody does it. At least, everybody I know does it- SHUT UP! *runs off*
• The trash the New Yorkers leave on Peter's lawn: a New York Post newspaper, an issue of New York magazine and the New York Mets.

36. - "The Kiss Seen Around the World"

• Meg's Fast Times at Ridgemont High spoofing fantasy about Tom Tucker.
• Peter filming a trash back a la American Beauty, which leads to this:
  God: It's just some trash blowing in the wind! Do you have any idea how complicated your circulatory system is!?
• Apparently during Mort's Hilariously Abusive Childhood, the other kids nicknamed him "Tasty Cakes" and stuck pine cones up his ass.
• When Lois unknowingly stops Stewie from exacting his revenge on a bully who stole his tricycle, she questions what's going on.
  Stewie: We're playing house.
  Lois: But that boy is all tied up...
  Stewie: (pause) Roman Polański's house.
• Meg's Bait-and-Switch junior anchor report on the moon turning out to be a way to address the incident with Neil, spoken over a photo of him initially shown in extreme closeup, has some of Mila Kunis's best delivery in the series:
  Meg: The moon. There's a reason no one goes there. It's cold, and it's ugly, and its surface is plagued with deep craters and jagged peaks. (Gasp!) Oh wait, that's not the moon — it's Neil Goldman's face!

37. - "Mr. Saturday Knight"

• Peter's job working for The Electric Company.
• Peter's inability to control the volume of his voice:
  Mr. Weed: Hello, Peter. How are you?
  Peter: FINE! (whispering) Please come in.
• One of Peter's stints after becoming unemployed is as a bathroom attendant, wherein he tells a guy washing his hands that they're out of paper towels, so he heavily inhales and blows air on his hands... before collapsing onto the floor. Then the man quietly wipes his hands on Peter's vest and leaves.^note The DVD commentary noted a version where he also would've stolen Peter's wallet, which didn't make it for unknown reasons.
• Later on, when Peter is still looking for a job, the other Griffins find him standing on a curb, dressed as a prostitute and tries to hook up with Lois, his own wife. The shocked and horrified looks of Lois, Brian, Meg and Stewie is what really sells it.
  Meg: Oh my God.
• "Wouldst thou take a gander underneath my frock?"
• Mort apparently used to be addicted to antihistamines and once took so many that he thought he was Mr. Peanut.

38. - "A Fish out of Water"

• Without a job, Peter has done nothing but sit on the couch and has become morbidly obese to the point that Brian has to carry him with a forklift. At the wharf, Tom and Jake Tucker appear and Tom mistakes Peter for Mercury until Peter blurts out that he's a guy.
• When the Griffins' belongings are getting repossessed, the repo men take Chris' bed with Chris still on it. Chris believes that they'll let him live at the bank.
• After becoming a fisherman, Peter quickly makes a rival who tricks him into crashing his fishing boat into a bar mitzvah, then distracts Peter while he's selling his fish to change his sign so it reads "I had sex with all these fish".
  Customer: Wow. So, how do you do it?
  Peter: Oh, you're very nice to ask. Well, first I hang the old worm out there. They, they usually go for it. So I jerk 'em around a little, they fight for a while and, and then they just lay back and accept it.
  Customer: How about we get together later? (gives Peter a card with his number)
  Peter: Uhm...okay?
  Henessey: (laughs out loud)
  Peter: What the hell? (looks at the sign) Oh, dammit!
• The Drunken Clam gang playing "Who Would You Rather Do?".
  Peter: Hey, hey, you guys, here's one for ya'. Let's say none of us were married, alright? If you could have any woman in the world, who would it be?
  Joe: Mariel Hemingway!
  Peter: Aw, come on! Really?!
  Cleveland: Oh, that's not a very good choice.
  Quagmire: She's so jagged!
  Joe: No, no, I think she's very attractive, in a classical kind of way.
  Quagmire: Yeah, but you could cut a roast on her face!
  Cleveland: I would go with Margaret Thatcher.
  Joe: Margaret Thatcher?!
  Peter: Why the hell Margaret Thatcher?
  Quagmire: Eeeeewwwwwwwwww!
  Cleveland: Oh, so nobody here thinks power is sexy? Not one of you finds power sexy?
  Joe: How 'bout you, Peter?
  Peter: Oh, like you gotta ask. The chick with the three knockers from Total Recall.
  Joe: Interesting.
  Cleveland: I never saw that movie...
  Quagmire: Hey, you know one of 'em was papier-mâché, right?
  Peter: Oh, gee, can I change my an- Of course I know it's papier- j- I don't care! W-What's wrong with you?! (chuckles) And what about you, Quagmire?
  Quagmire: Taylor Hanson!
  Joe: (beat) Taylor Hanson's a guy.
  (long Beat)
  Quagmire: (laughs) Y-You guys are yanking me! (chuckles) "H-Hey, hey, let's pull one over on ol' Quagmire!" (laughs)
  Peter: No, h-h-h-he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
  Quagmire: (beat) W-... Well, this is insane! That's impossible! (beat) Oh my god! Oh my go-od! Oh my god, I ca- Oh god, I- I, aw, I got all these magazines, a-... Oh, g- Oh, god! Oh, god!
• Stewie playing Pictionary with the family that's prematurely moved into the Griffins' house:
  Stewie: (Head Desk) If it wasn't right the first time you said it, why the hell would it be right the next ten times?! God!
• The scene with the Griffin men if they were more cultured, especially this bit:
  Peter: (Randomly catches fire) Oh dear, I've spontaneously combusted.
  Stewie: Oh, I am sorry.
  Peter: Oh, that's quite alright, I've grown tired of living.
• "For CNN, I’m Bernard Shaw, KEEPING IT REAL AND KICKNG ASS AT SPRING BREAK! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

39. - "Emission Impossible"

• Lois' sister Carol is going into labor and Peter is driving them to the hospital, when suddenly...
  Peter: (pulls into a drive-thru) Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers...
  Lois: Peter, for God's sake, she's having a baby!
  Peter: Oh, that's right. (to drive-thru) And a kid's meal...
• When Carol's in the hospital:
  Dr. Hartman: Alright, I'm just gonna put on a pair of gloves and we'll deliver this baby. (reaches in the sharps waste) These don't feel like gloves at all. They feel like used needles. But this is where I always keep the gloves. Well, maybe if I dig deeper. Nope, just feels like more needles. Well, that's the craziest thing! (lifts his arm up and it's covered in needles) Oh, now I'm sure this isn't the glove drawer. (passes out)
• The gag where Stewie puts on lipstick in order to get it all over Peter's shirt hoping Lois will think he's unfaithful and therefore not try to have another kid with him. Then he sees himself in the mirror...
  Stewie: You want it bad, and you don't care how you get it because you have no self-respect and that gets you off!
  Brian: Wow, the evidence is really piling up.
  Stewie: Make any joke you want! You KNOW I look good!
• This line:
  Stewie: God, all this work to stop people from having sex. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. Ba-ZING!

40. - "To Love and Die in Dixie"

• The crook that Chris sees rob a store is trying to escape from the police and sees a bike. Rather than try to drive it away, he picks it up and runs off.
• When Chris gets the robber arrested, Peter tells him that he should've lied and said it was Céline Dion and that he blew their one chance to put "that showboating Canadian wench" behind bars.
• When the Griffins move into their temporary home, the kids open the closet and inside is Jeff Foxworthy.
  Foxworthy: You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.
  Stewie: You suck! [shuts the door]
• The Running Gag of Peter getting attacked by a raccoon. Somehow, in one scene it gets inside Lois's blouse and attacks Peter when she opens it, and at the episode's climax it attacks him when he finds it hiding in the barrel of his gun.
• Peter's first time using an outhouse:
  Peter: Hey, uh, Lois, I don't get how this works; it's just a hole. I don't think it goes anywhere. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere.
  [a bird flies into the outhouse and knocks it over]
  Peter: (mortified) Augh, oh God, oh, it's everywhere! Augh, it's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!
• While discussing the possibility of getting a job, Biran points out that Peter has a habit of blowing it in the i nterview, leading to a cutaway gag.
  Interviewer: So, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?"
  Peter: (internally) Don't say "doin' your wife," don't say "doin' your wife," don't say "doin' your wife." (out loud) Doin' your... son?
• When Chris meets Sam at a lake, she says that the lake killed her grandfather because he saw his reflection in it and thought he was drowning, then tried to save himself and actually drowned. Chris says that Lois doesn't let him look in the toilet for the same reason, then when Sam leaves, he sees his reflection and also dives in to save himself.

41. - "Screwed the Pooch"

• When the titular event happens, this exchange occurs:
  Carter: He's violating Seabreeze!
  Peter: Oh no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself on--NOW he's violating Seabreeze.
  (Stewie starts imitating porno music)
• Following the news that Seabreeze is pregnant, Peter tries to go back in time to stop Brian from molesting her by spinning around in circles, but all that happens is that he becomes disoriented and accidentally destroys Carter's cabinet of fine China, then knocks down a shelf and a framed painting.
• When Brian and Seabreeze run off and check into a rundown hotel, the manager warns them that the hotel has bad roaches. The roaches in question are two giant Mexican thugs, one of whom threatens to cut Brian with a knife.
  Brian: Those are some bad roaches.
  Manager: I blame the schools.
• After Peter refuses to associate with Brian anymore due to the latter's molestation of Seabreeze hurting Peter's newfound relationship with Carter, Peter is shown eating breakfast in a soundproof transparent box. While Brian and Lois are talking, Peter farts and can't escape the smell due to the lack of ventilation, then tries to get their attention before passing out.
• "It's his sled. It Was His Sled from when he was a kid. There, I just saved you two long, boobless hours."
• "I looooooooove chocolate... but I can't eat it because then I'll get FAT."
  • "But it's SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD."
• The reveal that Seabreeze's puppies were actually fathered by Ted Turner, as they all have his head.
  Carter: (to Seabreeze) You...you're a whore! A filthy, filthy whore!
• Peter's attempt at a Kangaroo Pouch Ride, pictured.

42. - "Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?"

• In the pre-intro scene, Peter is watching Dennis Miller do a bit where he trails off into Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness. Peter is more concerned with what he meant when he used the word "rant".
• At the basketball game, Peter fantasizes about Cindi (the head cheerleader) opening her uniform and chicken legs flying out in slow motion. When Peter gets one in his mouth, it turns out he's chewing on Lois's hair.
• The B-plot is Stewie trying to get in with the cheerleading squad because he believes that their cheers are a form of Mass Hypnosis after finding himself following along with them. He compares it to the time he and Brian were in Las Vegas and were hypnotized into kissing, where once they come out of trance, Stewie declares that he tastes crotch.
  • In one scene, he fat shames himself in the mirror before making himself throw up in the toilet.
  • At the episode's climax, he abducts Cindi and replaces her at the top of the pyramid at the next game while wearing a disguise of her that ends up being fairly unconvincing because of their massive height difference. He tries to hypnotize the audience into doing his bidding with the hunting knives he hid under each of their seats, only for the pyramid to collapse under him, revealing that he also tried to emulate Cindi's cleavage with two tennis balls.
• When Chris starts talking in street on the drive home from the game, Peter thinks he's demonically possessed and speaking in tongues, so he attempts to perform an impromptu exorcism.
• Peter narrating his own life.
• When Babs gives Chris a caramel, he runs outside and climbs up a tree to eat it like a squirrel.
• Peter converting the den into a replica of Pee-wee's Playhouse. Especially Brian's line:
  Brian: Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hiney- God, I hate you so much.
• How does Nate Griffin describe heaven? "It's alright. There's a shortage of chairs."

43. - "Ready, Willing, and Disabled"

• Joe's "I LOST THE PERP!" Inelegant Blubbering, which goes on for a minute and a half. In the meantime, the other three men slowly exit the scene: first goes Cleveland, then Quagmire by slipping under the table and rolling away, and then Peter crawls out of the window above...and comes back in to pick up his drink before leaving for good. There's also the priceless implication that Joe, who's being celebrated in the first place for getting the money back at least, now has to pay for all of their drinks since they left.
• When Peter is hesitant to go over to Joe's place to cheer him up after the car wash thief's escape, his angel and devil show up, the former telling him to see Joe and the latter telling him to stay home and watch football. When he agrees with his devil, his angel suddenly pulls out a gun, shoots his devil in the chest, and forces Peter at gunpoint to go see Joe.
• While putting up flyers for people looking for the money clip the Griffin kids found, Chris accidentally staples one onto a guy's back.
• When a ladybug drinks from the bottle of steroid-filled water that Peter gave to Joe, it grows giant and flies off with a kid in the audience.
• Joe agrees to have his life story made into a TV movie, which took a few creative liberties: Joe, played by Tony Danza, gets crippled when a group of thugs he defeats immediately get back up and break his legs, he learned about the Special People's Games through an advertisement on a box in his freezer, and for whatever reason, Peter is portrayed by Bea Arthur.
• When Brian tries to make off with the money clip, Stewie threatens to do to him what he did to John Lennon. You assume this means Stewie killed him, then it turns out he introduced him to Yoko Ono.
• Peter attempts to fake becoming disabled to get his own TV movie and shows Tom Tucker a tape to show how it happened. The tape depicts Peter running over a scarecrow in his clothes.
• When Joe captures the car wash thief, he later tells Peter that he severed the guy's spine when he landed on him. Peter jokes that the thief will be competing against Joe in the next Special People's Games, only to look shocked when Joe tells him that the injury was fatal.

44. - "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas"

• Joe apparently dislikes Christmas because his story about being crippled fighting the Grinch took place around that time.
  Bonnie: Thank you for the lovely gingerbread house.
  Joe: Yeah! It's perfect for all the happy active gingerbread men. [rips the legs off one of them] Except for the one with NO LEGS! Look at the parents telling their kids not to stare. "How does his pee-pee work, Mommy?" Well, I've got news for you, Becky: NOT SO WELL! [breaks the gingerbread men into crumbs]
• Peter manages to confuse the meanings of "for" and "from", leading to him donating all of his family's presents to charity.
  Peter: Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?
  Brian: I think they had a meeting about it last night.
  Peter: Why wasn't I told?
  Brian: They sent you a card, but it said "for Peter", so you must have thought it was "from" you, so you didn't... umm... you know, it's just easier to call you stupid.
• Peter's plan to get the presents back from a family in a mobile home:
  Brian: You're really going to take back donated presents on Christmas Eve?
  Peter: Yep, now here's the plan: You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now, there'll be an invisible laser grid three inches from the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
  (beat)
  Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?
• Peter loses patience over the lack of empty parking spaces at the mall and parks the station wagon on top of another car, flattening the latter.
• Peter finds a pair of the barrettes that Meg asked him for, but an old woman wants them for her granddaughter. Peter licks the box and asks her if she still wants it, but she gives him a titty twister and takes the barrettes back.
  • The "You are here/she is there" sign in the mall.
  • "All the clownfish and yellow tangs in the world won't save you NOW!"
  • The old woman throws fish food on Peter, causing the fish to jump out of their tanks and start biting him. On the drive home, Peter says that he thinks one of them muttered something anti-semitic.
• The scene where Brian tries to put out a fire, and it gets worse since he uses a "Joke Fire Extinguisher" that releases flammable pop-up snakes.
  Brian: Damn it, Peter!
  • When the rest of the family comes home, Brian calls Peter out on it:
    Peter: What the hell did you do?
    Brian: Me?! Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
    Peter: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk!
• Lois finally snapping when Meg says they're out of paper towels. "No...paper...TOWELS??!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Made even funnier after she's raged at the family and ran out the house in an Unstoppable Rage... then Meg finds the paper towels.
• While on her rampage, Lois mouths off to Frosty the Snowman before lighting a match on his nose and melting him with a Booze Flamethrower using a nearby homeless guy's beer bottle. His hat comes off, but when it's put back on he yells for it to be taken off again because it's on fire.
• On Christmas Day, Brian gets a present that looks like a wine bottle, then he unwraps it and it turns out it's a book.
• KISS Saves Santa, a tonally perfect Affectionate Parody of bad animated Christmas specials (which itself looks like a Christmas special that would be really fun to watch). Peter, KISS superfan, is understandably obsessed with it.
  [All four members of KISS rappel down a mountainside to Santa Claus, who's stuck in a giant pterodactyl nest]
  Ace Frehley: Hang on, Santa, we're coming!
  Santa Claus: Hurry, boys! The eggs are hatching!
  Peter Criss: What'll we do?!
  Paul Stanley: ...Wait a second! Everyone knows pterodactyls can't stand the screech of a guitar!
  [Ace plays a heavy power chord with visible sound waves that begin to shake the chicks out of the nest]
  Gene Simmons: It's working!
  Ace: Hey, Santa, be careful!
  [Santa tumbles out with the chicks, hanging over the gorge by a flimsy branch]
  Paul: Oh, no!
  Gene: Careful, Santa!
  Ace: Hang on, Santa!

45. - "Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows"

• Peter grows a beard, which an endangered species of bird takes up residence in. It later makes life difficult for him at the movies by snatching his popcorn out of his hand before he can eat it, then he later tries to drive it out by playing loud music.
  • When the bird eventually leaves Peter's beard, it also leaves its three eggs behind. Peter compares the hatchlings to his own kids; one's face turns into Stewie and another turns into Chris, then Peter forgets about Meg and imagines the third hatchling as an off-colored Boba Fett.

46. - "From Method to Madness"

• The entire B-plot surrounding the nudist family is full of Cringe Comedy gold.
  Peter: (regarding Dotty, the mother) Oh my god, she's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head!
  Lois: You... uh... you're completely...
  Dotty: Nude? Yes, we're nudists!
  Chris: Permission to Freak Out?!
• "I've got my top hat and cane and a pocket full of miracles, pocket full of miracles, pocket full of miracles..."
  • A heckler's reaction upon seeing this.
    Heckler: This is worse than Seussical!
• Stewie to Olivia: "Well, I'd love to stay and chat but you're a total bitch" (makes a face as Lois drives away)
• Stewie attempting to play a French horn. He blows so hard he winds up farting.

47. - "Stuck Together, Torn Apart"

• Peter's jealousy issues...
• Joe shows his new automated police van's arrest feature to Peter and it simply cuffs him, but when Cleveland tries it out, it detects that he's black and declares him a minority suspect, beats him with two truncheons, and plants a gun next to him to make it look like he's armed.
  • The van is later shown to have a cloaking feature that disguises it as two homeless guys fighting each other for a wedge of cheese.
  • While using the van's surveillance equipment to spy on Lois and Ross, Peter turns up the dial so high that Quagmire's thoughts become audible. Evidently, he got a genital rash from a woman he gave a ride to the gas station and is thinking about how much it itches.
• Peter and Lois' marriage counselor puts cameras around the family's house to determine their behaviors... some of the things he came across as "an accurate cross-section" are weird, to say the least.
• "Dance with me Lois, dance the Dance of Life!"
• The tape of the Griffin family's "uncensored behavior"...
  Peter: (while in hula skirts with Chris) No! It's step, hip, step, pivot! (slaps him) Are you trying to piss off the volcano?!
• Peter isn't allowed at the disco place anymore because he mistook the ball for a piñata and broke it with a bat, then ate some of the shards.
  Peter: (as blood slowly oozes out of his mouth) Crafty Mexicans and their glass candy.

48. - "Road to Europe"

• Peter is very Late to the Realization...
  (KISS has just announced that they are coming to the Northeast for their tour)
  Peter: Awww, hell the Northeast! It's times like this I curse the fact that we live in French Polynesia...
  Lois: No Peter, we're in the Northeast.
  Peter: We are?...and KISS is coming to the Northeast...that means...ummmm...
  Lois: That means...
  Peter: No, no, no Lois, don't help me...it means we can do something...
  Lois (encouraging): Come on Peter, you're almost there...
  (Cut to Peter at the Dentist's office, presumably at least a day later, getting his teeth worked on with a drill)
  Peter: We can go to KISS-Stock!!
  (Peter sits up when he realizes it, sending the drill into his poor dentist's eye)
• Any scene with The Pope.
  • When Brian and Stewie first enter Italy, The Pope acts like a teenage boy.
    Cardinal: Pope?... Pope! Is time to get up and put on your hat.
    Pope: It's a stupid hat!
    [The Pope throws his clothes on the floor]
    Cardinal: Pope! The floor is not a hamper!
    Pope: Man!
    (later to Brian and Stewie)
    Pope: You make-a the Pope look like a fool! God will make you pay! SMITE THEM! (pause that lasts for several seconds) He's-a cookin'-a something up.
• Brian points out some missing pages on German history...
  German Tour Guide: "I vill hear no more insinuations about ze German people! NOTHING BAD HAPPENED! Sie werden sich hinsetzen!! Sie werden ruhig sein!! Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland!!!"^note You will sit down!! You will be calm!! You will not offend Germany!!! (Performs the salute)
  Brian (nervously): "...Is that a beer-hall?..."
  German Tour Guide (calmly): "Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer-halls..."
• Stewie trying to find out if one of the passengers on the train is Tom Bosley or not.
• When Stewie tearfully realizes that "Jolly Farm" is all fake, Brian tries comforting him.
  Brian: You wanna go get some ice cream? That'd make you feel better, right?
  (Stewie shakes his head 'no')
  Brian: You wanna get some McDonald's?
  (Stewie shakes his head 'no')
  Brian: You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?
  (Stewie nods his head 'yes')
  Brian: Okay, let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
• In the "KISS-Stock" subplot, when two members of KISS walk out, and the other break into "Chattanooga Choo-Choo," surprising the crowd. Seriously.

49. - "Family Guy Viewer Mail No. 1"

A - No Bones About It

• After becoming boneless, Peter says that he has to fart but doesn't know which way to lean.
• Stewie playing in boneless Peter as if he were snow.
  Stewie: Look! I'm making an angel!
  Peter: See, Lois? Everything's going to be fine!
  Stewie: Now smile while I write my name in you! (Peter looks shocked as Stewie gets up and drops his diaper to start peeing on Peter)
• When the Griffins go to the mall, Peter ends up getting caught in an escalator.
• On a teacup ride at Disney World, Peter gets sent flying into a bathhouse where Michael Eisner unknowingly uses him as a towel.

B - SuperGriffins

• Peter and Brian's resulting conversation while they're watching an episode of Sesame Street with the Count.
  Peter: Hey, is the Count a vampire?
  Brian: What's that?
  Peter: Well, y'see, he's got those big fangs. Have they ever shown him doin' somebody in and then feedin' on him?
  Brian: You're... you're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody... and then sucks their blood for sustenance?
  Peter: Yeah.
  Brian: No, they've never done that.
• The Griffins' Radiation-Induced Superpowers: Peter has Voluntary Shapeshifting, Chris has pyrokinesis, Stewie has an enlarged brain and telekinesis, Brian has Super-Speed, Lois has Super-Strength... and Meg can make her fingernails grow out.
• Chris sets his friend Hector on fire for one time thinking that his last name was "Gristle".
• When the Griffins appear on the news, there are images of Stewie using his powers to suspend an ice cream truck in the air, Peter turning into a tsunami and terrorizing a beach, and Meg popping a baby's balloon.
• When Mayor West tells the Griffins that they've become drunk with power, Stewie responds by telekinetically punching West's mouth in.
• After Peter turns into a T. rex and threatens the townsfolk, his first demand is that they construct a statue of Blair Warner admitting to Mrs. Garrett that the poem she submitted to her creative writing class was actually one of the works of Emily Dickinson. On the way out of City Hall, his head smashes through the doorway and he accidentally sends Meg flying with his tail.
• Mayor West tries to get superpowers by rolling around in toxic waste. Unlike the stuff that gave the Griffins their powers, he just gets lymphoma, and he concedes to Dr. Hartman that it was a stupid idea.

C - Lil' Griffins

• They play the Two Scenes, One Dialogue trope with Peter and Quagmire each discussing the same plans of scaring the other group... though it's a little lopsided.
  Peter: We can't let those guys win. What we ought to do is pretend we're ghosts, see-
  Quagmire: -and then we'll scare the other guys out of the house-
  Peter: -then we can say that we spent-
  Quagmire: -the-
  Peter: -night. Then, everyone will think we're-
  Quagmire: -the-
  Peter: -bravest kids in the world. Especially Lois. Heheheheheheheh-
  Quagmire: Al-riiiiiiiigh-
  Peter: -heheheheh-
  Quagmire: -ehhhhhhh-
  Peter: -heheheheh-
  Quagmire: -eeght.
  (beat as Quagmire silently looks around)
  Peter: -heheheheh.

50. - "When You Wish Upon a Weinstein"

• The Cutaway Gag of Peter Griffin getting swallowed whole by Tony Robbins.
  Tony Robbins: Tony Robbins hungry!
• When Peter is scammed out of Lois's rainy day money, he sees Lois having a phone conversation with Babs, who thinks Lois would've been better off marrying a chimp. When Peter gets the money back, Lois says she's going to call Babs again and tell her to "tell that chimp across the street [imitating monkey sounds]".
• When Lois says she's against Meg getting laser eye surgery, there's a cutaway of Luke Skywalker (voiced by Mark Hamill himself, no less!) trying to make an incision on a woman's eyes with his lightsaber. Obi-Wan (also voiced by Hamill, oddly enough) tells him to use the Force and he accidentally sends the saber through her eye and out the back of her head.
  Luke: Are you happy?!
  Obi-Wan: (forlorn) I've never been happy.
• After Lois tells Peter that sometimes she feels like she is married to a child:
  Peter: You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, because if I'm a child, then you know what that makes you? A pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

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