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Funny: Family Guy
  • Whenever Brian acts like an actual dog.
    • From "Back to the Woods", when Brian, who is tied up to the pole because James Woods, who has recently stolen Peter's identity (and everything he has), does not like the fact that Brian is snooping around:
    Brian (tugging on rope): This is humiliating. I went to Brown, for God's sa—
    (spots squirrel running past, starts chasing and barking at it wildly until the rope snags him backward)
    Brian (confused): What the hell? The rope was longer, now it's shorter! What kind of black magic is this?
    • From "12 and a Half Angry Men", when Quagmire harps on Brian, thinking that he knows how the judicial system works, when he can't even understand his relationship with the mailman.
    (zoomed out shot showing Brian coming out of the garage on all fours and chasing the mailman away)
    Brian: You better not fucking show your face here again!! But come back tomorrow, b-because I get really sad when you're not here on Sundays.
  • In "New Kidney in Town", Peter complains that he didn't get any sleep because Brian and the neighbor dogs kept him up all night.
    Brian: (calling out from outside the window) Hello? Hello!
    Dog: Hello!
    Brian: Hey! Hey, are you a dog?
    Dog: Yeah, I am!
    Brian: I am also a dog!
    Dog: Yeah, we're both dogs!
  • From "Quagmire's Quagmire" we have Brian's reaction to firetrucks
    Brian: Oh my god! (runs from one side of the couch to the other) Ooowwwooooowwwwooooooo! I'm matching the sound! Awwwwooooouuuuwwoooo!! (runs back and forth frantically) Is what I'm doing helping?!
  • Peter Griffin's epic fights with Ernie the Giant Chicken. And in reverse!
  • Adam West. Cloud Cuckoo Lander taken to extremes.
    • I believe you mean ADAM WE.
    • All of his scenes in the episode about gay marriage.
    West: (seeing his own blood) Oh my God... I'm a tomato!
    • "Perhaps it was the Noid...who should have avoided ME."
    • "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm trying to get all the As out."
    • "So it's a shouting contest you want, is it? Well, game on, Quahog! AAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAH! AAA- I'm beating you!"
    • The Adam West song.
    • And let's not forget the cat launcher, which is a crossbow with cats. It's as awesome as it sounds.
    • Kebert Xela.
    • Adam West wanted all graves covered with concrete because he's afraid of zombies. "You'll thank me when no one eats our brains. You'll thank me." He later runs away screaming "zombie" after Quagmire comes out of his grave.
    • Adam West's disastrous press conference in "Twelve and a Half Angry Men."
    Child writing for elementary school newspaper: Mayor West, are you afraid of the dark?
    West: I thought I'd made it clear to you that asking me about the dark was off limits! This press conference is OVER!
  • The Running Gag, seen where Peter's latest contraption gashes a hole in Cleveland's house, making Cleveland, in his bathtub, come crashing to the ground.
    Peter: Oh yeah, Cleveland moved...
    • Made even FUNNIER than, in an episode, a missile launched by Mayor West STILL manages to land and hit Cleveland's house in his own show!
    Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, no, nooooooo! * Falls*
    Tim the Bear: * Walks in screen* ...I don't get it.
    • And then the gag manages to be incorporated into "Something, Something, Something, Dark Side", when Cleveland as R2D2 falls into the Dagobah swamp.
    • On The Cleveland Show, Cleveland's ex is in the tub and crashes with it, only she dies.
  • The famous hurt knee.
    • In "FOX-y Lady", Lois's version appears in which she hurt her breast.
    • And in Something, Something Dark Side, happens to an AT-AT.
    • In "Viewer Mail 2", a variation of this appears, again with Peter, in the "Chap of the Manor" segment:
    Peter: [deep breath in] Bugger. [deep breath in] Bugger. [deep breath in] Bugger.
  • The "sounds of the rain forest" cutaway (where Peter buys a "Sounds of the Rainforest" CD to help him sleep, only it also includes sounds of loggers cutting down the trees and talking about how Sting — who advocates rainforest preservation — sucks) certainly qualifies.
    • Not to mention the "Sounds of the Studio Audience" commercial.
  • And now here's Ollie Williams, with the BlaccuWeather forecast. Ollie?
    Ollie: IT'S GON' RAIN!
    • Thanks, Ollie.
    • Also, Ollie's bit in the one with the hurricane:
    Tom: Do you have an umbrella, Ollie?
    Ollie: HAD ONE!
    Tom: Where is it?
    Tom" Well, can we get you anything?
    Tom: What Kind?
    Ollie: CHUNKY!
    • EGGO! That is all.
    • When Quahog is in the grip of a massive heatwave:
    Tom: How are you beating the heat, Ollie?
    Ollie: (swings by on a tire swing) SWIMMIN' HOLE!
    Tom: How does the weather look, Ollie?
    Ollie: (calmly) Not too bad.
    Tom: Right on.
    • HE GON' GET IT!
    • In the movie:
    Tom: I can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home.
    Ollie: (from offscreen) DID YOU CHECK YOUR TCP/IP SETTINGS?!
    Tom: Yes I did, Ollie.
    Tom: Yes, Ollie.
    Ollie: D'YOU WANT THIS DOG?!
    Tom: No thank you, Ollie.
  • The Kix cereal cutaway.
  • Any time Joe yells.
    Joe: "This is stupid. I wanna talk about VAGINAS!"
    Joe: "You're getting SLACKS!"
    Joe: 'You're starting to PISS ME OFF!!!"
    Joe: "Oh man, if I was a woman I'd press my bare boobs up against the glass in public, just for the SEXUAL THRILL! THE SEXUAL THRILL!!!"
  • Meg abuse jokes at times are hilarious.
    Meg: Hi, da-(gets shot)
  • Consuela
  • The DVD commentary tracks had some good bits:
    • Seth curses as Peter (keep in mind, this is before strong language was commonplace in the show, so at the time, it was hilarious hearing Peter say the F word)
    Peter: Lois, get the fuck off my back. I swear, one of these days, I'm gonna backhand ya! Jesus Christ.
    • In the commentary for "Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story", during the Ferris Bueller's Day Off parody, Seth mentions how he always found it annoying that Ferris was falling from his jump in slow motion while everyone else was regular speed. It's funny 'cause it's true.
  • In the later seasons, we have the repeated Take That 's aimed at Florida, such as Peter mistaking The University Of Florida for a Downs Syndrome summer camp, the state being fingered as a haven for sex offenders, and a taunt song performed in duet by Peter and Quagmire.
  • The very fact that quite a few entries are on both the Nightmare Fuel page and this one, really says a lot about the show.

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     Season One 
  • Peter crashing from just one lick of butter rum ice cream. Also check out how his eyes change size. (Okay, this was more being Off Model than anything, but still.)
  • Bert as Sipowitz, bare-assed and all.
    Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much.
    Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed!
  • "Holy crip, he's a crapple!"
  • "Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits! It says 'OOOOO'!" "Peter, those are Cheerios."
    • One of the singing trees in the hallucination taking out a lighter and accidentally burning down the forest.
    Tree: Stupid bastard!
  • "God. I. Hate. This. Freaking. Cat."
  • From the episode where Quahog's TV is knocked out: Tom and Diane saying politically incorrect things now that the news isn't broadcast in Quahog (before the director tells them that they're still on the air in Boston).
  • From the first episode, the trip to the American Southwest:
    Peter: Ah geez, did I just hit that ostrich?
    Wile E. Coyote: No.
    Peter: Are you sure?
    Wile E. Coyote: Yeah, he's fine. Keep going.
  • From "I Never Met the Dead Man," this Scooby-Doo parody, because it's ACTUALLY Frank Welker voicing Fred.
  • In "The Son Also Draws", Peter drives the family to New York. Sadly for him, he had a prune smoothie before he left. Worse, the world seems to want to remind him that.
    Passes by sign saying "Dump, next left"
    Peter: Ahh....
    Truck drives in front, with sign on back saying "WIDE LOAD"
    Peter: Ahhhhh....
    Passes by furniture store with sign saying "Furniture Sale: All stools must go!"
    Peter: Ahhhhhhhh....
    Another car drives in front with bumper sticker saying "I love my Shih Tzu"
    Peter: Aghhhhh!
  • Hitler's talk show where he interviews Christian Slater and asks to see his ass.

     Season Two 
  • Brain getting drunk off his ass during "Peter Peter, Caviar Eater"
    Urinating in a plant.
    Brian: Money money...
    In a high falsetto.
    Brian: Money!
  • Peter: "Now Lois, sometimes it's okay to swear."
    Bailiff:"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"
    Peter:"I do."
    Peter:*sternly* "You bastard."
  • When Lois pimp slaps her ti-Jitsu teacher to provoke him into fighting her.
  • Peter's father is grilling him on how well he knows his Bible. When he asks what book of the Bible he likes, Peter says "Um, the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the Man in the Big Yellow Hat has to take him to the hospital."
    Peter: (after seeing Hitler, John Wilkes Booth, and Al Capone sitting alongside Superman) What are you doing here?
    Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet, so I ripped her in half like a phone book.
  • "Show me potato salad!"
  • Also from "Da Boom", when a giant mutant rat approaches Joe, who is fused from the waist down to the concrete in his driveway, with the intent to eat him.
    Joe: BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!
  • Brian running over Dean Koontz:
    (Brian is driving in his car, when suddenly a man walks in the road and is hit - Brian steps out of the car to look at the man)
    Brian: Oh my God! Are you Stephen King?
    Man: No, I'm Dean Koontz.
    Brian: (uninterested) Oh.
    (Brians walks back to his car, runs over Koontz once more...then backs up and runs him over twice for good measure.)
  • The time Stewie ends up with a white family who has adopted multicultural kids, while he's jonesing for pancakes.
    Stewie: I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez moi pancakes! Click click bloody click pancakes!
    • Earlier that episode:
    Stewie: Flappy, guess what? I've decided not to kill you!
  • In "Death is a Bitch", when Death asks what the world would be like if Hitler were still alive. We get a hilarious cutaway gag to Hitler with his own talkshow, ending in addressing the audience that, if they would like tickets to the show, they should call "213-DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!". Doubly hilarious for those that speak German and realize that, roughly translated, it means "You will need a nurse!"
  • Peter's version of The King and I. "I now declare Siam, The United States of America!" (And then everybody sings a song ending with a gratuitous line about Paul Lynde being gay.)
  • Peter trying to breast-feed Stewie.
    • "A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything! It could even be a boat!"
  • From "If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'":
    Peter: "Well, until you put Gumbel 2 Gumbel back on the air, I'm going to go on a hunger strike. How about that, huh? Want that on your conscience?"
    (brief pause)
    Peter: "You gonna eat that stapler?"
    Executive: "You can't eat a stapler..."
    Peter: "Wanna split it?"
    • Peter's and Chris's "Make a Wish" scam gets out of hand:
    Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
    Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't...nothing?
    Peter: Oh yeah.
  • And then there was that time Peter got caught peeping in the lady's locker room...
  • Meg and Peter walking along in New York when the background suddenly changes to that of The Flintstones. They look around in absolute confusion before slowly backing away.
  • Brian and Stewie trying to get home via a crop-duster plane. They try to take off...only to put the plane between two cows, snapping the wings clean off. Stewie's completely deadpan reaction:
    Stewie: Oh, won't your face be red when they find the black box on this one.
    • This gem, as they travel in a stolen car.
    Brian: Look, I just need some time to think.
    Stewie: Yes, you've got lots to think about, don't you? Public drunkenness, grand theft auto...
    Brian: You left out the part where I made you smash your head into the windshield.
    Stewie: Well now, funny, I don't recall...
    (Slams on the brakes, makes Stewie smash into the windshield)
    Stewie: Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one.
  • "Holy crap, I am freaking out!!"
  • When it's mentioned that Peter once turned the house into a puppet, prompting the viewer to wonder what the hell that could possibly mean...then they cut to it and it's exactly what it sounds like.
    "Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry!"
  • Drive-by arguments.
    Englishman: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth?
    Jeremy: Why yes, I daresay that's the fellow.
    Englishman: Oh, let's get him.
    They drive up
    Englishman: Oh Reginald...
    (Reginald perks up)
    Englishman: I DISAGREE! (car peels off)
  • Most of the jokes in the earlier episode, "He's Too Sexy for His Fat".
    • When fleas infest their household:
      Peter Griffin: There's only one thing to do—learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, and breed with their women. And in time our differences will be forgotten.
    • After Peter gets surgery to make himself more attractive -
      Lois: "Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?"
      Peter: "Maybe I will! Then I'll put it on my feet and skate around on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!"
      Lois: "That doesn't make any sense!"
      Peter: "It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!"
    • After Peter's introduces his new thin body to the family - Stewie: "My god, it's finally happened! He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself, like a neutron star!"
    • Little Girl: "But mister, I need real money. I can't take a credit card." Peter: "Oh, cash only, huh, huh? No paper trail, huh? What are you selling? Reefer? Crack? Smack? Horse? X? Shrooms? Dust? Meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so!" (Peter smashes the lemonade stand).
    • "Well if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in!''
    • Brian's reactions to Peter coming into the home after getting extensive plastic surgery: "Hey buddy, you can't just come in here holy crap it's Peter." Made even better by Brian's unchanging tone or facial expression.
  • Stewie trying to buy instruments of carnage at the hardware store using a mind-controlled Chris. Seth Green affecting a Chris-ified version of Stewie's plummy Evil Brit accent while spouting Stewie-esque Ax-Crazy threats is hysterical.
    • The "Family Guy Cast and Creator" episode of Inside The Actor's Studio reveals that this is Seth Green's favorite Chris scene.
  • Young Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
    Museum Guide: Because you touch yourself at night.
    • "I-I'm not drunk, alright, I just have a speech impediment. * puke* And a stomach virus. *collapse* And an inner ear infection."
  • Peter showing Chris how to eat an oreo.
    • From "The Story On Page One":
    Anonymous Woman: Luke? Are you coming in, honey? Lunch is ready!
    Luke Perry: Just a minute, babe! I'm busy checking every single high school newspaper to see if there's something written about me! (Picks up newspaper, sees Peter's "Luke Perry Is Gay" headline)
    Luke Perry: Oh, my gosh! Meg Griffin, you are so sued!
    (Camera zooms out from Luke Perry's house to reveal a crudely-drawn television set, on which this is being played)
    Peter (Poking his head out from the corner): Dun-dun -dun-dun-dun-DUUUUUUUHHHH~!!!
  • Peter seeking advice from a poster of Greg Allman in "Let's Go To The Hop".
    Peter: Greg Allman, what did you do when times got tough?
    Greg: Me? I did a lot of drugs. Married some broad named Cher. I wouldn't recommend either one.
  • The whole Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory spoof in "Wasted Talent". It has a ninja, a faked drive-by shooting, and a hilarious parody of "Pure Imagination"! As Peter says:
    Peter: It's like I've died and gone to Heaven, only for them to find out that it wasn't my time, and they sent me back to a brewery.
  • From "Da Boom", Peter attempting to feed beans to Magnum, P.I. through a tv screen, then scolding Higgins when he turns up on screen. Seth MacFarlane has said that this is is favourite moment of the show.

     Season Three 
  • The one where Peter visits Brian at the rehab and gives a fake name when posing as an addict.
    while George is fighting a burglar"Hey, hey. Quiet down out there!. Ya wacky Beatle..."
  • The Woody (a pornography award show) nominees for best soundtrack, who consist of two seedy looking guys with synthesizers, and John Williams.
  • "Well Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody, thanks to an anonymous tip to the authorities." "Good. Good."
  • Meg's Fast Times at Ridgemont High-spoofing fantasy about Tom Tucker in "The Kiss Seen 'Round The World".
    Stewie: We're playing house.
    Lois: That boy is all tied up...
    Stewie: Roman Polanski's house.
  • Peter's inability to control the volume of his voice in "Mr. Saturday Knight"
    Mr. Weed: Hello, Peter. How are you?
    Peter: FINE! (whispering) Please come in.
  • The Griffin men if they were more cultured.
  • The gag from "Emission Impossible" where Stewie puts on lipstick in order to get it all over Peter's shirt hoping Lois will think he's unfaithful and therefore not try to have another kid with him. Then he sees himself in the mirror...
    Stewie: You want it bad, and you don't care how you get it because you have no self-respect and that gets you off!
    Brian: Wow, the evidence is really piling up.
    Stewie: Make any joke you want! You KNOW I look good!
    • Same episode, this line:
    Stewie: God, all this work to stop people from having sex. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels.
  • "I loooove chocolate, but I can't eat it because then I'll get FAT."
    • "But it's SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD."
  • Peter converting the living room into a replica of ''Pee-Wee's Playhouse'' in the episode "Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?" Especially Brian's line:
    • Brian: Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hiney h-ohh God, I hate you so much.
    • How about Peter narrating his own life?
  • Lois finally snapping in the Christmas episode when Meg says they're out of paper towels. "No...paper...TOWELS??!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Made even funnier after she's raged at the family she then runs outside having completely lost it and Meg finds the paper towels. "Oh, here's the paper towels!"
    • Also, the "You are here/she is there" sign in the mall.
    • The scene where Brian tries to put out the fire, and it gets worse.
    Joke Fire Extinguisher
    Brian: Damn it, Peter!
  • Any scene with The Pope in "Road to Europe".
    Cardinal: Pope?...Pope! Is time to get up and put on your hat.
    Pope: It's a stupid hat!
    Pope: You make-a the Pope look like a fool! God will make you pay! SMITE THEM! [pause] "He's-a cooking something up."
    Brian: You wanna go get some ice cream?
    (Stewie shakes his head 'no')
    Brian: You wanna get some McDonald's?
    (Stewie shakes his head 'no')
    Brian: You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?
    (Stewie nods his head 'yes')
    Brian: Okay, let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
    • And, in the "Kiss-Stock" subplot, when two members of Kiss walk out, and the other break into "Chatanooga Choo-Choo", surprising the crowd.
  • Anything with William Shatner. Character Tics doesn't even begin to cover it.
  • His pants split, revealing his underwear which has Captain's Log written on the crotch.
    • "Oh-fiddler, ontheroof - seems crazy, no? But in our-littletown-of... Anatevka... KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
  • From "Mr. Griffin Goes To Washington", in the scene where the cigarette company coated the entire house in Teflon, Stewie slides past on his butt, naked. Which is funny enough on it's own, but then he says:
    Stewie: I'm nudes on ice!
    • Bob Dole: Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole...Bob Dole...Bob...Dole... *falls asleep*
  • Stewie playing Pictionary with the family that's prematurely moved into the Griffins' house:
    "If it wasn't right the first time you said it, why the hell would it be right the next ten times? God!"
  • Peter says he's not good with being in the audience in big performances. It then cuts to a performance of Cats... and Peter runs over one of them with a car.
  • Peter's job working for The Electric Company. "f" "at" "fat" "Alright, that's it-"
  • "No! It's step, hip, step, pivot! Are you trying to piss off the volcano?"
  • "This is mine! This is where my babies come from!"
  • "Would you like some candy?" "I smell death on you."

     Season Four 
  • The first scene after its resurrection is possibly one of the funniest Take Thats to one's own network ever.
    Peter: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been canceled.
    Lois: Oh no, Peter! How could they do that?
    Peter: Well unfortunately Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That '80s Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, and Greg the Bunny.
    Lois: Is there no hope?
    Peter: Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.
    • Peter and Lois' dirty talk.
    Lois: Honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets, huh?
    Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.
    Lois: Hehehe...that's me.
    Peter: You dirty hustler.
    Lois: Hehehehe...
    Peter: You filthy, stinky prostitute.
    Lois: Aha, okay, I get it...
    Peter: You foul, venereal disease carrying, street walking whore.
    Lois: Alright, that's enough!
  • The following from "Don't Make Me Over":
    Stewie: (singing) I want to have intercourse with you. Uh-oh-yeah. Intercourse with you.
    Brian: (singing) Relations.
    Stewie: Intercourse with you-oo-oo-whoo! Right?
    Brian: Yeah, no great, that sounds good.
    Stewie: All right, groovy, groovy. Now, is there a shorter word for intercourse?
    • Brian's dare to Stewie at the mall earlier in the episode:
    Stewie: (running naked through the mall) Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement!
  • The Petercopter and the Hindenpeter. "HOW CAN YOU AFFORD THESE THINGS?!"
    • Earlier, by the barbershop quartet plus Peter, You Have AIDS.
    • (Peter in a Quagmire Mask humping Brian in a Loretta Mask) "I"m Quagmire, I'm Quagmire, you're my best friend's wife but who cares? I'm Quagmire!"
  • The part where Quagmire uses Adam West's banana to try to fend off Cleveland:
    Adam West: When the time comes, you'll know what to do.
    *Quagmire tosses banana at Cleveland, who stops for about half a second*
    Quagmire: Dammit! *chase resumes*
  • "Good thing I just watched that National Geographic special on fire trucks."
    Oh, you're just curious! Here, let me show you how everything works down there!
  • The time Peter bought the breakfast machine from Pee-wee's Big Adventure:
    Peter: "WHAT was the point of all that?! Argh! All it does is shoot ya! It doesn't make breakfast at all! Owww!"
    • He's Quagmire! Quagmire! You never really know what he's gonna do next! He's Quagmire! Quagmire!
      • Quagmire: Giggidy, giggidy, let's have sex!
    • "The Asian Trix Rabbit."
    • Three's Company AsianTown
    • "Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of the pieces to my Lite Brite! My name's not Adam We!...Or is it...? Who am I? What number did you dial?! Don't ever call me again."
    • Peter and "that thing" he and Lois do "every Thursday night". At the top of the stairs. (It was originally going to be even worse too.)
      • Almost as funny as that is that after Peter falls Brian looks at him for a second then goes back to reading his newspaper without saying a word.
  • The scene where Chris gets pulled into the "Take On Me" music video while trying to retrieve milk from the store, coupled with his confused reaction afterward:
    Lois: Chris, where have you been?
    Chris: I DON'T KNOW!
  • Cookie Monster in a toilet stall frantically "cooking up" cookie dough in a spoon: "C'mon, c'mon!"
  • The entirety of the episode "Peter's Got Woods".
    • Peter playing peek-a-boo with Stewie. "Oh, great, leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence."
  • Peter and Michael Moore's farting contest.
  • The ''FCC Song''.
    • Osama bin Laden's bloopers.
    • Peter's failed attempt at escaping from the FCC when they come to tell him that PTV is going off the air. He puts on a jetpack, but instead of flying away, the jetpack makes him fall over and headbutt the wall repeatedly until the jetpack runs out of fuel.
    Peter: OK, you caught me.
  • This part from "Brian Goes Back to College":
    Peter: This looks like a job for the A-Team! (slams his gun down and shoots a hole in the ceiling, causing Chris to fall face-first onto the floor)
    Chris: Hi, Dad!
    Peter: Go to your room.
    Chris: Okay! (runs up the stairs and falls through the hole again face first)
    • Brian meets a girl in college:
    Speaker: "Look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistics indicate that both of those men will rape you."
    -Man on the left: I'm not gonna rape you.
    -Man on the right: I might.
    • Any gag involving James Bottomtooth.
  • Brian trying to cheer up Peter with "It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time", especially when Peter leaves the room and he just keeps at it.
    • Stewie's reaction to Peter taking him to Disney World.
  • When Brian is trying to tell Lois her brother is a serial killer she denies it. What makes it funny is the sheer overwhelming evidence (photos of him strangling fat guys, a dead fat guy in his room, a half dead fat guy in his room that says "Patrick tried to kill me.") doesn't convince her, but Brian simply shouting "Lois" does.
  • Peter announces to everyone that he's fat.
    I bid $780.
    And your bid, Sarah?
    What was the last bid, Bob?
    $780, Sarah.
    I bid $781.
    >Fuck you!
  • That time Peter lost his virginity.
    • Jesus is buried after the crucifixion, then he leaps into a redneck who just slept with a farmer's daughter. "Oh boy!"
  • "Where's my money?"
  • Peter on Wheel of Fortune. "Uh...uh...Z, Uh, 4, Q, uh-uh another Q, a third Q...and the Batman Symbol."
    • And later, when he's picking out the prizes:
    Peter: Say, uh, how much for the fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
    Pat: That's you.
    Peter: Oh, embarrassing...
    • The fake death for Quagmire that Peter, Joe, and Cleveland set up.
  • Lois and Peter 'roleplaying':
    Lois (dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl): Oh, I need a spankin'. I'm a bad, bad girl!
    Peter: I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-five holy avenger.
    Lois: Paladins can't use the helm of disintegration!
    Peter: Oh. Then I'm a black guy!
    • P.S. A Mage wielding a +5 Holy Avenger with a Paladin in the party? Yeah, Peter's a terrible roleplayer.
    • Peter challenging Lois to a race around the world.
    • The Vasectomy Song.
  • Brian telling Lois about what he watched on TV on the episode "Deep Throats": "I just watched a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I still don't know what a hollaback girl is. All I know is that I want her dead. Hey, can you hand me the remote?" (said remote is right next to him)
    • Peter and Lois licking Chris like ice cream when they're high.
    Chris: (sobbing) Stop!
    • The uncut version of Lois and Peter lying on top of each other naked on the couch much to Stewie and Brian's discomfort:
    Brian: "All we need is one incriminating entry in this datebook and that's our ticket to...
    (He and Stewie see Lois and Peter lying completely naked on the sofa)
    Peter: "Hey Brian. What's up?
    Brian: "Uh, hi, um, Lois...Peter..."
    Lois: "Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's sooo comfortable!"
    Peter: "Hey, Lois. Look how short Stewie is. (laughs) He's so short. (continues laughing)
    Lois: "Oh my God, he is short."
    (both laugh hysterically)
    Lois: "Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door! What should I do?"
    Brian: "What?"
    Lois: "He's knocking on the back door! Should I let him in? I'm so scared!"
    Stewie: "Well, um, you two are busy being nude, so, um, we'll just head out and uh...let you be nude."
    • (Ironically, given that Brian sees Lois naked, he reacts very nervously, considering the fact he has a crush on her) Watch the clip for yourself You'll never watch Family Guy the same way again!)
  • Peter's erotic novel, The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish. As read by Betty White.
    Jude: These ants are ruining our picnic!
    Renee: You mean the picnic is ruining our ants! (Cue scene of Renee Zellweger eating ants set to Roll To Me.)
    • The lawyer being forced by Carter to fight the Rancor, but he somehow wins the battle...
    Carter: Huh, I didn't know that "Greenberg" was a Jedi name...
  • Going hunting with Dick Cheney
  • When Brian is breaking up with Lois:
    Stewie: "Oh, bitch, you got jacked, bitch!"
  • Brian in Heaven:
    Brian: "Wow, I can't believe I'm in heaven and drinking with Kurt Cobain, Ernest Hemingway, and Vincent van Gogh! But still, it feels like we all got here a little earlier than we should have."
    Ernest Hemingway: "Yeah, well, I collapsed under the weight of my own genius and shot myself."
    Vincent Van Gogh: "I could not reconcile my passion with the way others were living around me, so I shot myself."
    Kurt Cobain: "I hated the thought of my music becoming part of some bland corporate mechanism, so I shot myself."
    Brian: (sheepishly) "Yeah, I...I just got into the garbage and ate some chocolate."
    • Also from the movie, there's Stewie's defacement of Brian's grave (he crosses Brian's name and writes "Douchebag" on it):
    Stewie: "Ha!"
    Stu: "I don't think you should do that..."
    Stewie: "And why not? I hated that dog."
    Stu: "It's just that that word has taken on a different meaning since President Douchebag."
  • The "incest episode" from the DVD extra of "Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story."
    Brian: WRONG! It's WRONG! (pounds table)
    • And there's also this:
    Peter: You know what really grinds my gears? You, America! Fuck you! Diane?
  • From "Eight Simple Rules For Buying My Teenage Daughter" when Meg tells Lois she could be having a life on Saturday night:
    Lois: "Meg, if you don't want to babysit anymore, that's fine, but don't you stand there and lie to me."
    Peter: "OH-HO Meg, she torched your ass man! She torched your ass!"
    • From the same episode:
    Peter: Hey Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors?
    Mort: Peter, are you eating those?
    Peter: No, I'm shoving 'em up my butt. Of course I'm eating 'em!
    • Also,
    Stewie: (to Jeremy, the babysitter's boyfriend) Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow"! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!
    • It's a bad joke on Meg but still:
    Meg: Please go out with me. I'm just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I'll pay and everything.
    Boy: Yeah...uhh...that sounds cool but I'm gonna be in the hospital that night. (shoots himself in the stomach with a nail gun)
  • In the episode "The Perfect Castaway", Peter says that he used to be a construction worker in New York, but he never got the catcalling right. Cue to Peter working on a construction site with three other guys while an attractive woman walks by:
    First worker: (whistles)
    Second worker: Yeah, baby!
    Third worker: I want a piece of that!
    Peter: YOU SUCK!
  • Peter at his cousins wedding, during a cutaway:
    Preacher: If anyone has any objections, Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace.
    Peter: *Looks around* Really? No one's gonna speak up? I'm the one whose gonna have to say it? Alright...GENITAL WARTS!
  • Stewie, with curlers and a clay face mask on, yelling at Chris to get in the house in "Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High".
  • Peter sprays himself with Tag Sick Cat Body Spray.
  • "Blind Ambition": Blind!Peter accidentally climbing into Chris's and then Stewie's bed because he thinks they're Lois. Stewie's reaction is the best. "WHAT THE DEUCE?!"
    • Peter: Okay, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like six years, all right. Either have the baby or don't.
    • Stewie: OK, OK if I make this we're all going to get laid. (He shoots a crumpled paper ball into Brian's cone) Stewie: Haha Yes! Score, Score! Brian: Boy I'd really like to chew on my crotch right now.
  • From "Petarded": Peter is a tumor.
  • In "Jungle Love":
    Lady Guinevere: Oh, Arthur, if you can remove this sword from it's stone, and prove that you are the true king of England, I will make love to you in this very field.
    Arthur: What if I just move it a little? Will you touch me?

     Season Five 
  • Stewie faking an overdose to get Lois' attention in "Stewie Loves Lois".
    Brian: You look like a jackass.
    Stewie: Can't hear you, Brian; I'm dead.
    Brian: All right. *plugs up the toilet with a towel, then flushes*
    Stewie: What did you do? *toilet overflows and begins to flood the bathroom* Oh, that is so not cool...
    • Kermit the racist:
    Man: Excuse me, do you know the way to town?
    Kermit: Yeah, it's back the way you came. (cocks shotgun)
  • "Dude, these animals are so FUCKING funny!"
    • "Yeah! Rumsfeld!"
  • The army episode full stop, but one line in particular.
    Peter: Don't listen to her Chris, the army is great! You get free food, they pay for college and all the brown people you can rape.
  • When the opening sequence from the episode "Whistle While Your Wife Works" went horribly wrong...
    • Anything involving Buzz Killington.
    "So who wants to hear a good story about a bridge?" (everyone facepalms)
    • Peter's new porn hiding place.
    • Chester Cheetah, the exemplar of cool:
      (Chester's run-down apartment, "Tom Sawyer" by Rush is playing; Chester chops up a pile of Cheetos with a razor blade like it was cocaine...and then snorts a line of it.)
      Chester: (snort) OHHHHHH THERE IS NO FUCKING DRUMMER BETTER THAN NEAL PEART! (slams his fist into the glass table, shattering it; regards his now glass-strewn hand nonchalantly) It ain't easy being cheezy.
  • The Opal Ring Crusade.
    "He's sitting informally like us! Let's hear what he has to say."
  • Peter teaching Sex Ed by repeatedly smashing a Rainbow Brite doll into a bust of William Shakespeare.
  • Peter's chick flick Steel Vaginas in "Chick Cancer."
      • Joe's "fake legs" (seemingly ripped from an NES game) in said scene.
      • And Joe's reaction to the finished movie: "Boy, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen." "My ass is actually sore. MY ass is actually sore." (even funnier is that the line was AD-LIBBED by Patrick Warburton!)
    • When Stewie and Olivia start dating. They spend the day together and leave before dark because the area they're in is dangerous at night. We then see a lion and a robot fight each other.
    • The "Look at my kids" scene.
  • The Wiz Shout-Out with a large number of black people randomly dancing in the streets after Mayor West sends the entire police department to Colombia to "rescue" an actress that was there fifteen years ago.
  • "Say whip." "Whip." "Now say Cool Whip." "Coo' Hwip." "Cool Whip!" "Coo' Hwhip." "You're eating hair!" *spit*
    • "Just relax. We're gonna be here for a hwhile!"
    • "Brian, you're acting hweird!"
      • "Oh, COME ON! That one doesn't even have an H in it!"
    • "Do you have the hwhip?"
  • From the same episode, of which the A plot is Meg falling in love with Brian whilst his attempts to reject her just don't get through to her. One of the ways he tries to get out of a relationship with her is pretending he's homosexual.
    Brian: "I saw this penis on the Internet the other day, and I thought to myself; 'Well that's...that's just fine.'"
    • Later in the same scene:
    Brian: "I have plans with Chris. We're gonna do...uh...what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon."
    Chris: "Masturbate?"
    Brian: "Masturbate, we're gonna masturbate together!note 
    Chris: "Well, maybe back-to-back, but I gotta tell you, I ain't 100% on this."
  • The carjacking scene from the episode, "Road to Rupert".
    • Oh, Crone!
      • *throws tea in kid's eyes*
    • Peter remembering all the good times he had with his anvil.
    • When Stewie says that Brian selling Rupert was more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone. Cut to Sharon with some guy in bed, then her devouring his head like a female praying mantis post-mating.
    • When the helicopter Brian and Stewie are piloting together crashes down the mountainside, it cuts to the two of them screaming in a back and forth succession between the two. At one point it inexplicably cuts to Stewie dressed as the devil laughing manically with thunder and lightning in the background.
  • The entirety of "Peter's Two Dads."
    Random Guy #1: "She is messed up, man!"
    Stewie: "Shut up, okay? Just shut up and let me fuckin' think!"
    *Stewie drives for a few seconds, then stops*
    Stewie: "Push her out!"
    Random Guy #2: "We can't leave her alone!"
    Stewie: "PUSH THE BITCH OUT!"
    • After Francis died, Peter buried him in a pet cemetery and he inexplicably burst out of the ground, prompting Peter to beat him with his shovel.
    • The time Peter got stuck behind Robert Loggia at the airport.
    • After Peter smokes crack (which he bought from a white guy selling it at Black's Hardware Store) to keep from drinking: "Gubment came and took my baaaaaaaaaby!"
    Brian: "Peter, what're you doing?!"
    Peter: "Crack."
    Brian: "What the FUCK?!"
  • Stewie delving into the tanning lifestyle. He goes into a tanning bed, tasking Brian to wake him up in fifteen minutes. Brian falls asleep on the couch. For six-and-a-half hours. When he wakes Stewie up, he's roughly the same color as his overalls and can't move without inflicting extreme agony upon himself.
  • What happens when you date a hot girl with bad laugh? Well...
    • Peter eats half of a fudgesicle in one bite, and proceeds to cry out in agony until his head EXPLODES!
  • Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Conway Twitty. The first time, anyway.
  • "Decoys, Lois. Decoys!"
    Peter: Ben Stiller, help me!
    Peter: How?
    Ben: Uh, HELLO!
    • The seemingly never-ending theme song to [[Series/Maude]] is a hilarious Overly-Long Gag. "Whew, that was an ordeal."
  • Stewie moment: when he got a job mocking obese people by following them around and playing a "tuba" (actually a sousaphone)
  • The Legion of Doom scene in "It Takes a Village Idiot and I Married One."
    Lex Luthor: How did she(Lois) discover our plan?
    Solomon Grundy: ME SOLOMON GRUNDY kind of dropped the ball on that one.
    • Peter's cowboy song (both the edited version where Peter says they're having "cowboy gay sex" and the original version, which was "cowboy butt sex")
    • The Griffins' previous family trip, when they were on the price climbing game on The Price is Right (the one with the yodeling paper doll).
    • The "Donny Most" chant
    • The guys talking about their work on Lois's campaign.
    Peter: Boy, you guys, I really appreciate all the help you've given us. Expect for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing.
    Quagmire: What the hell are you talkin' about? Lois is gonna get the entire female vote because of me. I've been having sex with every woman in town nonstop for the past two days. My God, if I tried to masturbate right now, you know what would come out? A little flag with the word "bang" on it.note 
    • Lois taking Brian out for a car ride.
    Brian: (Sees another dog in another car) Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Lois! Hey, hey! Other dog! FUCK YOU!
    • "And then I realized, it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me... IT WAS GOD!"
  • In "Meet the Quagmires," after Brian's rendition of "Never Gonna Give You Up", it cuts to a shot of the audience, standing still and gaping. After a few seconds, we hear a random person say, "I didn't like any of that." It's just the way he says it that makes it so funny.
  • One episode has Peter blowing a raspberry every time Meg's name is mentioned, prompting Chris to then repeat Meg's name over and over again until Lois tells him to stop. At the end of the episode, he does so again, but actually farts on the last mention of Meg. "Uh-oh...Pardon me."
  • After Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland confess that Dr. Hartman "molested" them (actually giving them a prostate exam), Joe says: "You guys are a bunch of queers." And rolls away. And comes back and says, "AND SO AM I!"
  • Peter's Oh Crap reaction and how he hides in a tree from Lois after he beats up Kyle in a rage.
  • "Saving Private Brian": Peter trying to cover the sounds of his farts by coughing at a meeting.
  • In "Hell Comes To Quahog" Meg says she's going to get a job to pay for a car and Chris tells her he'll pay her a dollar a day to smell his sneakers. His repeated laughing and the family's bored reactions to this are hilarious.
  • From "Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey":
    Carter: Why are you naked inside my house?
    Peter: Uhh...why aren't you?
    Carter: Beat You're alright, Griffin.
    • The Chuck E. Cheese sequence.
  • "M.C. Escher."
  • Jake Tucker's audition for church organist in "Boys Do Cry".

     Season Six 
  • "Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky..."
  • Herbert at his stand singing "YMCA" in "Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air"
  • From "Peter's Daughter": "Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your coma's in a daughter."
    Trisha Takanawa: What kind of cancer?
    Ten Speed Guy: It's rectal cancer, it's slowly eating away at my lower insides, uh, it's quick process, both painful and un-treatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape.
  • Brian showing Stewie 2girls1cup.
  • Herbert reads to Chris a bedtime story, and whistles a Peter and the Wolf tune. After a short pause, Chris finally asks him: "Are you a pedophile?"
  • Peter watches BET's newest earth science program, "Damn, nature! You scary." (from 0:59)
  • The entirety of the episode where Brian has a son.
    • Specifically, there's something strangely funny when Brian's potential date said that magic is sexy. But the real laughs came when Peter dresses up as Count Dracula with a big groin (Count Crotchula) for Halloween:
    Brian: Peter, that costume doesn't make any sense.
    Peter (defensively): Don't stifle my creativity!
    • "My Pot! Your Pot?"
  • "Anna took a dump on me!"
  • Peter's identity is stolen by James Woods, so Peter steals his and gets revenge by ruining his career. He does so by announcing "his" new comedy, September 11th: Two Thousand FUN.
    Peter (posing as James Woods): "I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And whaddya think I see comin'? A plane. And I go, 'Come on!' I-it's real old style comedy, you know? It's like two pies in the face...and one in a field in Pennsylvania."
  • Peter listening to "Hello" by Lionel Richie and crying:
    "Oh god, Lionel you have been hurt. You have been hurt by somebody that much is clear. Who hurt you? (whispering and rocking back and forth) Who hurt you? Whohurtyouwhohurtyou?"
  • The judge has had enough of the Kool Aid Man interrupting court proceedings:
    Judge: Okay. "Can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fuckin' Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showin' up! Thank you."
  • In "Pedre De Famila" Peter's reaction to finding out he's mexican. Watch it here.
    Peter: *Laughs* Looks like I got myself in a bind, how will I get outta this one?
    Peter: *Sings* Cause we got Cleveland and Quagmire and Joe and Mort, AND ALL YOUR CARTOON PAAAAALLS!

     Season Seven 

     Season Eight 
  • "The Road To The Multiverse". Disney-esque Family Guy. That is all.
    Stewie: "So, how does it feel to be on a major network for thirty seconds?"
    Chris: "Fuck you!"
    • Made all the funnier when you realize who voices who.
    • When Brian and Stewie are a real baby and a real dog.
  • When Quagmire thought he was getting the spin-off.
    "See ya later, bitches! With your stupid fuckin' Giant Chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty — Hey, why's there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?"
    • The sequence where Quagmire discovers internet porn. It was good for a twofer: first, there's the scene in the bar where you realize Quagmire, the pervert extraordinaire, has no idea that porn can be found on the internet. Then the scene later on where Peter sees him again after a long time...and he's got an absolutely massive right arm.
    • Left arm, actually. Making it cannon, I guess, that Quagmire is left-handed.
  • Peter's Palestinian alarm clock. It explodes.
    Clone!Brian: Hey, Brian! Knock-knock!
    Brian: Uh, who's there?
    Clone!Brian: (farts)
    —-> Basically, ANYTHING that Clone Brian says.
    • From the same episode, Peter, Joe, and Quagmire go to a strip club to make Quagmire feel better about giving his daughter away. Quagmire leaves and Peter and Joe deal with a teacher stripper ... who really gets into her work.

  • The London Gentlemen's Club. Basically, imagine three guys just sitting around reading newspapers, communicating entirely in throat-clearing for about a full minute.
    • Also the fact that it gets progressively louder and then quieter.
  • ...Road House.
  • From "Business Guy"
    Dr. House: House.
    Peter: Road House.
    Dr. House: That too.
    • The African American Heart Monitor.
    • "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." *flatline* "Aw, he dead." And in the same episode:
      • "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He cool."
      • *Carter spazzing out and machine vocalizing* "GHOST DAD!"
    • The German Bedtime Story is hilarious for anyone familiar with the real thing.
  • In "Big Man on Hippocampus", Stewie's answers, while Lois is playing Fast Money round on Family Feud, especially his fourth answer.
    Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.
    Lois: A chair.
    Stewie: My own feces.
    Dawson: Name a popular fruit.
    Lois: Orange.
    Stewie: Clay Aiken.
    Dawson: Something in your closet.
    Lois: Shoes.
    Stewie: Scary monsters.
    Dawson: Your favorite holiday.
    Lois: Christmas.
    Stewie: 9/11.
    Dawson: Something you do on the weekends.
    Lois: Go to church.
    Stewie: Black guys.
    • "It may interest movie buffs that Peter O'Toole's name is a slang for penis".
  • "Dial Meg for Murder"'s Take That at "Not All Dogs Go To Heaven", especially the Goofy part. "Be careful Brian. Not all dogs go to heaven."
    • The scene where a breeding bull rapes Peter.
    "Bull:" Where you going, fatty? We're gonna have a party!
  • Terri Schiavo! Is kind of alive-oh! Seriously, some may have thought it was going a bit TOO far, but I think that the beginning bit automatically swings this around so many times that it's the funniest moment BY FAR of Season 8 as of now.
    • I laughed because I was thinking the same exact thing as Chris and Brian started to ponder whether this was too soon or too late.
  • "April in Quahog" also gets a Running Gag joke. Peter does crystal meth TWICE, and so does Brian at the end.
    Peter: I am SO fucking ready! *jumps through Stewie's ceiling*
    Stewie: When you jumped through my ceiling you let in an owl. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw up half-digested mice.
    • From the same episode, Adam West making an angry letter to the black hole before donning a fishbowl helmet and jetpack, flying into space and punching the Orion constellation. It then turns into the Orion Pictures logo.
    Adam West: That's right! You're nothing but a failed production company!
    • Peter thinks the world is ending, so he decides to go to a black neighborhood and shout out the N-word. The next scene has Lois in the kitchen when Peter walks up with crown, ermine cape, scepter, and a sash reading "King of the Black People".
    Peter: They respected me for it.
  • Brian's 26-second long puking in "Quagmire's Dad".
    • Also noteworthy is Brian and Stewie's panicked, disgusting screaming immediately upon the discovery as to why he was puking. He did a transgender woman. Not just ANY transgender woman: Quagmire's dad.
    • The Getting Crap Past the Radar scene from the [adult swim]/probably DVD version of the beginning of that episode, in which multiple puns are made upon the fact that the french word for seal, "phoque," sounds a lot like a certain English profanity. Spoiler alert: "fuck." Watch it here.
  • This scene from "Something, Something, Something, Dark Side", featuring Luke's snowspeeder gunner, Dack.
    Dack: Feeling okay, sir?
    Luke (Chris): Just like new. How about you, Dack?
    Dack: I feel like I could take on the whole empire myself.
    Luke (Chris): Really? 'Cause that would be awesome. Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got this one!
    Dack: You know it, bitches! [flies off to face the incoming fleet of Star Destroyers] Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack! [gets shot down afterwards]
    • From the beginning of that episode, the Star Wars-esque intro credits referencing 20th Century Fox's money-making decisions:
    Are you listening, stockholders? How can you invest in a company that makes such short-sighted decisions? I mean, this is the same company that cancelled "Family Guy" twice. Who's running that joint? Monkeys? I mean, if they're gonna be that foolish with their money, then I guess that means we can be foolish with their money, too. Like spending a bunch of it to animate a computer-generated elephant that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode. (cue appearance of CGI elephant) Did you see that? Know what that cost? $58,000.

  • "The Splendid Source": In order to get away from the people who write the world's dirty jokes (who are holding them prisoner), Peter throws a candle which starts the building on fire.
    Leader: Hurry! It's about to get the world's first dead baby joke!
    (cut to show a torn section of papyrus with hieroglyphics)
    Woman on Papyrus: Oh no, my baby is dead.
    Man on Papyrus: Ha.
  • In "Go, Stewie, Go", when Meg enters and sees Lois seducing Meg's new boyfriend.
    Lois: Um...rape?
    ** Cue "Seinfeld" bass line.
  • Peter making his poor father-in-law invite everyone to his house to watch The Big Bang Theory.
    • Just about every scene with House, made even funnier because Hugh Laurie is playing the character. The literal version of him not playing by the rules, reviving the Road House gag, and him speaking in Laurie's natural, upper-class British accent after his Scooby-Doo Hoax is exposed.

     Season Nine 
  • Seamus's fake origin from "And There Were Fewer".
  • From "Brian Writes a Bestseller":
  • From the otherwise cringeworthy "Excellence in Broadcasting" there's the scene where Brian is living with Rush Limbaugh and has replaced several of his belongings with new ones made in America. All of them break except for his new cat, which moos.
  • From "Welcome Back, Carter":
    • Limo jousting.
    Carter: Get away from my wife, you rascal!
    Rodginald: Such language in the presence of a lady! If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in twixt!
    Peter: Hang on Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. (to Rodginald) Penis.
    Rodginald: Aaaaaaaah! <Faints>
  • Peter: "I need that money for bourbon and anime!"
    Peter during cutaway: I don't understand any of this. Everyone in Japan is either a ten-year old girl or a monster!
  • Brian and Stewie failing their first Christmas delivery as Santa Claus in "Road to the North Pole".
    Stewie: Oh my god, we're at the wrong house!
    • From the same episode, Stewie's lamentation when the Mall Santa left for the night...
    Stewie: That son of a bitch, he just turned his back on me! The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey!
    (Gilligan Cut to Gary Busey in his bathroom, looking at the mirror)
    Gary's "Reflection," a Monster Clown: (flashing double thumbs-up) YOU'RE DOIN' GREAT!
    Gary Busey: (also flashing double thumbs-up) GOOD! THEN I'LL KEEP IT UP!
    Winnie the Pooh: "Come on, Eeyore, let's go play!
    Eeyore: "I don't wanna."
    Pooh: "Why not?"
    Eeyore: "I have a nail in my anus."
    Pooh: "Oh."
  • Stewie breaking the fourth wall in "The Big Bang Theory" by saying that a brightly-colored ad for The Cleveland Show can still appear out of nowhere.
  • In the episode "New Kidney in Town", four words: Peter on Red Bull. That is all.
    • Peter milking a cow, then milking it so fast its udder lights on fire. Chris then comes out, his groin also on fire.
    • Peter accidentally slaughtering a row of the audience on The Price Is Right when the wheel comes loose and rolls over them.
    • When Lois gets rid of the Red Bull she dumps it onto a sunflower, which proceeds to grow giant and stop a car claiming it to be "official flower business", then it throws the driver out and drives off.
    • "Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull."
    • When Lois asks Dr. Hartman if there's an alternative to Peter getting dialysis, he holds a revolver to Peter's temple.
    • Barack Obama singing "Honestly Sincere" from Bye Bye Birdie was quite honestly the funniest thing the show has done in a very long time.
  • Patrick Stewart providing the voice of Susie Swanson's inner thoughts. Yes, really.
    ''This feels right but it tastes like a dirty penny."
  • The "Carter destroys bench" scene in "Trading Spaces."
    "You loved that bench!"
  • The Street Fighter II-style fight between Peter and Mr. Washi-Washi.
  • The sequence in "It's A Trap!" where Brian is driving the AT-ST.
  • Robert Loggia screaming "NOT OKAY!" after an AIDS joke. HUGE Big Lipped Alligator Moment.
    • The AIDS joke itself was much more clever then one would have expected from a show like this:
    Mayor West: Oh by the way I should tell you I've got aids.
    Carol: What!?
    Mayor West: yeah, they're right over there waiting for me!
    Aid: Ready to go when you are, sir!
    Mayor West: Poor guys, they both have AIDS.
  • "I heard all of that, and I just want to say this family is fucking disintegrating."
  • Three words: Muppet style sight seeing.
    • From the same episode, calling the music video for David Bowie and Mick Jagger's "Dancing In The Street" gay, then playing the entirety of it. It catching a lot of flack for being pointless, but it definitely turns the video into total Narm.
    • Pre-wheelchair Joe performing the original American Dad! intro.
  • From "Brothers & Sisters", there's Peter's flashback to - since he didn't have a brother or sister - having a "broster" in his past.
    Broster: "Hey, Peter, wanna see my paginis?"
    Peter: "I, uh, I...I don't know."

     Season Ten 
  • The Black Woman V.S. The Italian Man from "Seahorse Seashell Party".
    Italian Man: Hey, you can't park there!
    Black Woman: Excuse me?
    Narrator: Sensing confrontation, the black woman prepares by removing all her rings. Meanwhile, the Italian man makes sure that all the other italian men, can see what's happening. A flock of Jews, sensing danger, take flight and flee, as it is their only chance of survival.
  • Even though "Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q" isn't very funny (not because of weak and lazy writing, but because the episode showed Domestic Abuse as a serious problem, and not the punchline to a dark joke), it still had some funny moments:
    • Getting a straight answer from a 23-year old girl.
    • Soliciting a rooster.
    Man: I don't know what this "cock-a-doodle-doo" thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatalogical. I'm in.
    Rooster: You're about to have a neat day.
    • Peter mistaking Gwyneth Paltrow for a sick golden retriever.
  • Peter's Mexican fart.
    Mexican...ghost...thing that came out of Peter's ass: "CON CUIDADO, ES EL STIIIIINKO!" *fires guns into the air, causing everyone to run away screaming*
  • Stewie crashing the car.
  • Too many parts in "Back to the Pilot" to list.
    • The dozens of alternate Brians and Stewies. That is all.
    • Present Brian and Stewie making the Kool-Aid Man late for his "oh no" arrival. Followed by him tripping and shattering.
    • Alternate Bush's "press statement" after the announcement that the South's leaving the Union again:
    Clip of Bush: Can anyone get me a clown's suitcase? I'd like to see what's inside it. (clip ends)
    Tom Tucker: Sorry, we seem to have the wrong clip. What's that? (touches earpiece) Really? That's it?
    Peter: Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. (Cut to Peter standing against a blank white background.) Matthew McConaughey is terrible.
    • "Pebble in my shoe, pebble in my shoe, pebble in my shoe."
    • Frogmire. That is all.
    Frogmire: Ribbity.
    • Also, all the jokes about the older art style, and the bit about what Cutaway gags actually look like from an outside perspective.
    Brian: That's odd. It's our house...but somehow it looks a little different.
  • Mayor West tells a story to his grandchildren, then one of them interrupts. West declares him his favourite. He then tells the story to his great-grandchildren, one of whom interrupts. The kid gets burnt to cinders with Sith Lightning.
    Mayor West: Future old people are wizards.
    • Peter taking one bite out of a rice cake and reacting violently to it.
    • Peter trying to resist the urge of a delicious pie and warding off the cliched hand-like motion of the hot steam. So the steam tries to rape him! And it's making Quagmire watch!
    • Sitting behind a giraffe at a ball game.
    • The Vacation-style credits. The final one had me laughing my ass off! Chris was churning that butter pretty hard.
    • Stewie's bad pun when the family winds up in Amish country. As well as Brian's reaction to it.
    • Peter trying to reason with Meg's Amish boyfriend's dad. Eventually the dad agrees to let them see each other, but then Peter breaks out a radio in order to 'teach them about rock and roll.' The song on the radio that Peter sings along to at the top of his lungs? Highway to Hell.
  • "This food is so fucking good Lois." "Oh, okay. Wow."
  • The girls dressing Brian in a bee suit.
    • Followed by Lois telling them to do Stewie, leading to this hilarious and badass line.
    Stewie: Alright, I guess this is the night bitches die.
    • He says this while spinning the barrel of a revolver.
    • When the Southern cop who spots some (obviously planted) drugs in the guys' trunk...
    Cleveland: Aw, come on! You planted that there!
    • The guys are in a Southern court. And The Simpsons cast is the jury!
      Quagmire: Well, at least it's a jury of our peers.
      Joe: I don't think they see it that way.
  • Peter ripping off someone's face a la Scooby-Doo.
  • Joe's Fiona Apple tribute video.
    • How Every Pizza Place ruins a salad.
    Employee 1: OK, 4 pizzas and a salad.
    Employee 2: Salad? How do we make a salad?
    Employee 1: First, you put in the whole head of lettuce.
    Employee 2: Even the hard to eat white part?
    Employee 1: It's what the people want!
    Employee 2: I got a can of whole black olives, should I slice 'em up?
    Employee 1: Are you crazy? You gotta know you've got an olive in your mouth!
    Employee 2: What about this tomato?
    Employee 1: Slice it into thirds. It should be big enough to pretend you have red teeth.
    Employee 2: What about this carrot?
    Employee 1: Cut it once very thin lengthwise, the whole length of the carrot.
    Employee 2: I got some jalapeno peppers, but you can't really eat 'em.
    Employee 1: Just dump the whole jar in.
    Employee 2: Should we put it in a bowl?
    Employee 1: Nah, put it in a lasagna case.
    Employee 2: I'll take it.
    Employee 1: Be sure to put it right on top of the pizza to make it warm.
    *answers phone*
    Employee 1: Hello, Every Pizza Place.
  • "Lois. Griffin. Peter. Griffin. We. Heard. A loon."
  • The moment Chris introduces his new girlfriend Lindsey and we see she looks exactly like Lois.
  • The "hooker."
  • A blind person's interpretation of Titanic.
  • The Japanese version of tai-chi:
    Japanese Guy #1: Hey, you wanna see a movie?
    Japanese Guy #2: Nah, we're Japanese; let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus.
  • Brian watching The Adventures of Milo and Otis.
    • This...
    Brian: I mean she's teaching you guys independence.
    • When Brian learns about Stewie's horrible daycare teacher, he immediately comes over to give her a piece of his mind....until he goes in the backyard and sees her tanning in her bikini.
  • Stewie is afraid of the robot on the cover of Queen's "News Of The World"
    Stewie: God, why does he look SAD? He's already destroyed mankind, what else could he want?
    Brian: He didn't kill Queen. They're all fine. (pause) Most of them are fine.
  • Mayor West pulling hot dogs from his mouth. His score in the contest is in the negatives!
  • Peter's Mundane Ghost Story ending with a take-out menu for... an all-vegan restaurant!
  • Peter finding "Surfin' Bird" annoying.
    • "Who else but Shirtpants?"
  • Peter beating an old man with cataracts to steal his bingo board.
  • In "Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream", there's a flashback cutaway where Lois is informing Chris of Francis' death 5 seasons ago. Chris's response is to inexplicably turn into part dilophosaurus and blind Lois with his spit.

     Season Eleven 
  • Peter choosing a donkey with sunglasses.
    • Brian pissing on top of Mount Everest, and the subsequent reaction from a random dog.
    Bloodhound: (sniffs air) Fuck, no way.
    • This exchange during the trip to the Fishman's:
    Peter: A cold car ride through a dark suburban night. Look out the window and think of death, kids. Its-a comin'...
  • Peter's version of Mad Men.
    Homer: Guys, I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it!
    Peter: A-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.
  • Carter saying that he's kept the cure for cancer a secret the year Who Let the Dogs Out? came out.
    Brian: You've had it since 1999?
    Stewie: You know when Who Let the Dogs Out? came out?
    Brian: It's a song about dogs and letting them out.
    • "Oh Carter, you devil!"
  • Stewie's reverse diaper change.
    Stewie: Oh my God, it just went back in my body.
      • Reverse chicken fight and puke-a-thon.
      • Brian and taking a woman with him back to the Hindenburg disaster.
      • "And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, there's a dog having sex with a woman! I know I said 'Oh, the humanity' before, but seriously, oh the humanity even more! I mean, come on!"
      • Peter falling up the stairs after saying he hates these "new stairs".
      • The reverse bathtub gag where Cleveland's bathtub falls up.
      • The cutaway of Stewie forgetting what comes after G and having to fake it.
    • The reverse of time causing Lacey Chabert to be the voice of Meg instead of Mila Kunis.
  • "It's a girl!...with a penis and no vagina."
  • Chris dropping Brian and breaking his neck.
  • Stewie getting saved by Mario.
    • The horrified reactions of Meg, Chris and Brian hearing Lois and Peter banging in the basement.
    Brian: My hearing's better, so I'm hearing like, suction and stuff.
  • The Monty Python's Flying Circus-style opening from "Space Cadet".
    • In an Imagine Spot Chris, after Peter and Lois's deaths, turns them into singing trophies akin to a novelty animatronic bass and they sing "Hooked on a Feeling" with Lois doing the background vocals and Peter doing the main.
    • Chris' principal thinking his well-done picture of Bob Belcher from Bob's Burgers is yet another example of how poorly he's doing in school.
    • Chris being given money to appear on TV after modeling his hair and accent after Russell Brand's.
    • Peter's invention of the razor blade comb.
    • At the space camp Peter and Brian go into the sensory deprivation room. A scream is heard, then when they come out Peter's head is now on Brian's body and vice versa, Peter commenting "Things got crazy so fast!"
    • We can't forget this exchange right after the family has dropped off Chris.
    Peter: "No matter what, we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we saw on the way here."
    Lois: "Peter, that was The University of Florida."
    • After the Griffins are launched into space.
    Meg: I don't wanna die!
    Lois: Oh, Meg! All those suicide threats, and you're just as chicken-shit as everyone else.
    • When Peter watches Breaking Bad, the TV hypnotizes him to incessantly talk about what a great show both it and The Wire are. Cuing a great joke later where he brings them up and Stewie says "Ugh, he never shuts up about those shows."
    • Also, while they are blasting off into space, Brian, calling YOLO, sticks his head out the window, shouting that it's the best part of whatever makes this enjoyable.
  • From "Brian's Play", there's Stewie as the human resources guy for The Muppets and firing Beaker because he's been taking supplies to make crystal meth and selling it to Big Bird, who at the end of the scene comes in with bald patches on his body from scratching his feathers off.
    • Peter eating his toast with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. He doesn't realize it's been replaced with real butter, and ends up getting sent to an insane asylum after murdering three children (whether the doctor meant his own children wasn't clear).
    • During Stewie's "The Reason You Suck" Speech against Brian he mentions that it took Peter a year to understand Stuart Little. He wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks that "Stuart" means "mouse", Lois tells him no and he goes back to sleep, then he guesses "Little" means "mouse", Lois tells him no again, and he tells himself "I feel so old and in the way."
    • Stewie's dodgeball pseudonym being "Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower".
    • Stewie poaching the lead of Brians play to cast in the production of his play in New York. The lead tells Stewie he'll be right with him, he "just has to finish this crap" while in the middle of Brians play.
  • Stewie traveling back in time, where he winds up making out with Baby Lois.
    Brian: So, what happened?
    Stewie: None of your fucking business, that's what happened!
  • In "Chris Cross" Chris tries to help Meg put in contacts, when before he can her eyes roll backward leaving her blind.
  • Peter parachuting into Angry Birds.
  • The opening of "Bigfat". Peter gets shot by his new neighbor, Stan Smith, but wakes to find it was a nightmare. At which point, Hank Hill walks in, and the whole thing is revealed to be one of his dreams.
    Hank: Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.
    • Feral!Peter, who's spent over 2 months living in the wilderness. His reaction to television is to hump it.
    Chris: He's doing what we're all thinking.
    • What finally snaps Peter back to normal;
    Peter: Shut up, Meg.
  • Lois talking with Bonnie on "Call Girl".
    Lois: It's kind of a long story, you see...
    Robert Loggia: Eight f&@king hours later.
    • Anime Peter.
    • The whole first five minutes of the episode: Peter decides to become a falconer, and adopts a falcon named Xerxes. Some examples here.
    • When Peter has sex with the disguised Lois, who he thinks is the phone whore he's fallen in love with.
    Robert Loggia: Eight f&@king hours later.
  • At the beginning of "Total Recall" Peter is trying to make himself sick to make his voice deeper, so he goes to a restaurant that Lindsay Lohan just ate at and licks her dessert fork. He then bleeds out of his ears and nose and demands that the busboy give him cocaine.
  • Female batters.
    Peter: Alright, chick batter. Everyone bring it on in.
    Butch Lesbian: Get a hit, babe!
    Batter: You know it, babe.
    Peter: Alright, move it back, move it back.
    • From that same episode, Jerome has to adjust himself before batting. So he touches his foot.
  • In "Farmer Guy", a cutaway has Peter and Lois deciding to have sex in a restaurant bathroom. Peter goes in and comes out satisfied before it's revealed that Lois never left her seat; Peter had sex with a male version of Lois who thought he was having sex with his wife, who is a female version of Peter in an in-universe example of Rule 63.
    • Peter's immediate devolution into paranoia. "Welp, now that we're selling meth, I guess I'll have to turn into one of those guys who freaks out at imaginary noises!"
    • Brian revealing that he's going to Quahog Tech State Tech. Stewie's response is "'Tech' is in there twice?"
    • Brian's reaction when the family reveals they're going to a nice farm upstate is comic gold.
    • Peter sends a carrier pigeon to get a payment from one of his clients. After the client gives the pigeon the money, it cuts to the pigeon having blowing it on a jet ski with "Round and Round" playing.
    • The meth lab exploding and destroying the whole house at the end.
    Stewie: There a lot of rottweilers in that house...
    • Stewie buying cough syrup for meth production from a very unconvinced pharmacist.
    Stewie: Uh, I have a cold... achoo...
  • From "Roads to Vegas", there's a montage in where a magician pulls a magic trick on a white tiger in a cage which makes it switch places with Stewie. The tiger then gives Brian a high-five.
    • Brian taking a hit out on Quagmire's cat, then the hitman sending him a confirmation via text.
  • From "12 and a Half Angry Men", Peter accidentally dropping his phone in the toilet at a public restroom. You only hear his voice and some splashing behind a stall door and see his legs kneeling on the floor as he's struggling find it:
    "Oh ow! it's so cold and it's under everything! Ugh! Feels like I'm rooting around a pitcher of sangria! Ugh, where is it? Oh god why haven't I found it yet?! Oh no, I didn't roll my sleeve up far enough! Oh, why didn't I flush when I got in here?! Augh! This isn't even all mine! Oh no, there's a spider crawling on my face!(slap) Ahh! Why didn't I use the hand that was on the floor?! WHY DID I USE MY TOILET HAND?!! Oh here it is behind the toilet.
    • When Bruce is reading the second jury vote.
    Bruce: Guilty...guilty...some hurtful slurs followed by the word guilty...
    Carter: Haha...
    Quagmire: This paper just has a squiggly line on it.
    Carl (in his head): Careful now. You're playing a dangerous game, Carl.
    • Stewie asking Brian why he's so proud about finding a man not guilty when the killer is still at large.

     Season Twelve 
  • Peter's Jaw Drop when hearing about the treasure map.
    • Peter disgusting Meg with his bad breath while singing "Minnie the Moocher" in the car. When she bails the car, Peter gives her "mouth to nose" resuscitation.
    • Joe and Quagmire's argument about eating a Mounds bar.
    • When Lois quits the treasure hunt, Peter hires Tricia Takanawa to be the new Lois.
    • When Peter asks Lois to forgive him because Chris forgave him for giving him a black eye earlier, it goes to Chris rubbing an ice pack over his eye muttering "I can't wait until you fall asleep tonight."
    • Peter using his cutaway setups to transport himself.
  • In "A Fistful of Meg", Meg fears getting beaten up the bully and says she can already imagine her funeral. It then cuts away to a casket lowering into a grave...and Peter tossing Meg's corpse into the grave.
    • During the flashback to Meg's birth, it's shown that Peter wrote on her birth certificate to change "Megan" to "Megatron".
    • When Neil tries to befriend Mike, he turns Neil into a balloon animal, sticks him to a locker then pops him with a knife.
    • Stewie imagining a menstrual cycle as a Dr. Seuss-style vehicle/musical instrument.
    • Peter going 6 months without bathing, causing him to turn into a sentient mass of food.
    Food!Peter: Hungry! Hungry! More food for my pile! (Lois pours food onto Peter) I will assimilate this new smell into the Borg of my other smells!
    • Quagmire and Meg appearing in the famous training scene from Punch-Out!!. Peter shows up behind him and declares "I'm in the video game too!"
    • Brian forcing his hairless body on Peter definitely counts as Nausea Fuel, but Chris and Lois's reactions deserve a mention: Chris claws his eyes out and Lois goes for a gun.
    • Meg kills Mike by lifting up her shirt, causing him to melt Ark of the Covenant style.
  • "Boopa-Dee Bappa-Dee" has the whole family relocating to Italy. Among other things, Meg starts dating Mario. And Luigi.
    • Let's not forget the gondolier in the hotel bathroom.
    • When Lois says she wants to return to America, we get this exchange.
    Peter: "Go back? But I thought you loved Italian Peter! And Southern Italian Peter!"
    *a dark skinned Peter with a bushy black moustache walks in*
    Southern Italian Peter: "Olive Oyle!"
    • When the Griffins are trying to reclaim their American citizenship, which Peter renounced by changing their nationality on the networking site Shutupayofacebook, part of the test is singing the US national anthem. Everyone pulls it off, except Chris who sings the theme from The Bodyguard instead.
    • The Mafia appearing. Specifically, the long gag where they threaten to steal people's credit cards. "Sure, you can dispute the charges, but you have to call them, and it's always like they don't believe you."
  • "Life of Brian": Although no one (at the time it aired, at least) really got any laughs out of this one, there's a humorous moment when at the funeral Mayor West complains that nobody went to his funeral, then gets out of his chair and walks backwards fading away, revealing that he's a ghost.
    • Quagmire, known to hate Brian's guts, watching baseball at his funeral.
    Quagmire: Damn it Ortiz, stop swinging at junk!
    • The cutaway about Joe driving Grimace around town.
    • Joe getting hit by a black woman with a purse.
    • At the vet, Peter sits next to a decapitated chicken holding his head in his right arm. The chicken then tells Peter that he has a bad reputation in the chicken community.
    • YMMV: After Brian gets run over, a squirrel kicks him, spits on him and says "That guy sucked!".
  • "Into Harmony's Way":
    • The Griffins watching Muppet Babies in where Kermit and Miss Piggy are looking at Kermit Jr., who is a frog-pig hybrid whose every waking moment is agony.
    • Quagmire getting followed home by an M-to-F transvestite, whose face is still very masculine and has a 5 o'clock shadow.
      • It's implied he still had sex with her as long as no one saw her come inside.
    • Mort's fall from fame as the manager of Earth Wind And Fire (and Pollen), and the reveal that he used to be much better looking.
      • It's even better than that. Mort reveals that he had an addiction during his manager days - olives, which actually turned him into a handsome, deep voiced guy at one point, which is treated by him like a drug addled rock star lamenting his lost good looks.
    • The lyrics of all of Peter and Quagmire's songs. Special mention goes to "Train on the Water, Boat on the Track" and Get Out Of The Left Lane, You Stupid Asian B***
    • When Peter feels bad about leaving the family behind, he imagines what Thanksgiving will be like without him to cut the turkey. Cut to Lois vacuuming the turkey not knowing what to do.
    • The Black Albino Choir.
    • Peter and Quagmire kissing.
    • Peter committing suicide in the ending, right after the family reunion was played as a typical positive sitcom moral.
  • "Christmas Guy"
    • When Stewie is angered that the Christmas Carnival has been cancelled, we see Lois and Peter inside conversing of how Carter now has blood on his hands while Stewie is outside talking down the Christmas lights from the house across the street, making out with and beheading a snowman and finally nuking the entire town.
    • After that, when Lois mentions that her father always hated Christmas, the scene cuts away to Carter coming down Santa's chimney on June 16th and touching all of Santa's stuff with his soot-covered hands.
    • Also the scene where Peter mentions that canceling the carnival is making people think Carter is Jewish. Carter is alerted by this and we get a Smash Cut to the carnival now open.
    • Stewie acknowledging him not aging when Lois says that it's his first Christmas and him replying "Again?"
    Lois: Chris, calm down. You're getting a nosebleed.
  • "Peter Problems"
  • "Grimm Job"
    • In "Jack and the Beanstalk", Jack and his wife gets into an argument about the magic beans.
    Jack: "I never even friggin heard of magic beans until you brought them up! If I get some, it's you that caused it!"
    • Jack hangs a lampshade on the Giants "fee fi fo fum" bit.
    Jack: "You know, it's odd that you would speak gibberish of your own choosing, and still not have it rhyme."
    • In "Little Red Riding Hood", Peter/The Woodsman randomly bursts in and violently bisects Brian/The Wolf with a chainsaw, then runs out again. Stewie then asks that he's not sure if The Woodsman is the hero of the story or some lunatic going house to house murdering people.
      • Considering that you then hear him break into the house next door and murder the occupants, its probably the latter.
    • The items in the basket Red Riding Hood's mom gives her to bring to grandmother's house.
    Stewie: "Why is there a bag of ice in here? And... is this a Coors Party Ball?! Is grandma entertaining Florida jetski people?"
    • During the Cinderella segment, when Stewie asks Cinderella (Lois) how the made her dress so fast.
    Cinderella (Lois): Oh, you know. I have an eye for fashion and I'm pretty good with my hands.
    Mouse 1: Unbelievable!
    Mouse 2: Now I'm nervous about the screenplay we gave her.
    • Also, Cinderella recalling how the stepsisters pranked her by having King Midas go third-base on her.
    • "Oh God, we have so few female characters."
  • "Brian's a Bad Father"
    • When Brian gets fired from the show, he decides to take some of the table food for himself, eventually stuffing the entire table into his car.
    • The cutaway involving the MGM lion living his childhood dream of "sticking his head in a circle at the beginning of movies".
    Lion: What's up now, bitches!?
    Stewie: "You know, when you say "for this", it really telegraphs what you're going to do."
    Peter: Hey, Lois, if I was gonna kill myself, do I slit my wrists this way or this way.
    Meg: (offscreen) Sideways for attention, long way for result.
  • "Mom's the Word"
    • S.T. the Special Terrestrial.
    • Stewie trying to kill himself by dropping a toaster in the bathtub, only for the electricity to turn him into Toaster Man.
    • When Peter first meets Evelyn, he asks if she's Cocoon, and apologizes for not having any glowing rocks that makes you younger.
    • When Peter accidentally killed Evelyn by hugging her too hard.
    • Peter struggling to make it to the restroom with people trying to invite him to certain things. He then beats ups everyone while still walking to the restroom a la Airplane!
    Peter: Finally, now I can go to the-
    Peter: UH-OH!
    • Even better is the reason for his Potty Emergency, he ate a taco he found in the parking lot. In the end, he ends up having to wear his shirt as a pair of improvised pants home.
  • "3 Acts of God"
    • Jerusalem is filled with clones of Mort, and Joe throws pennies to attract them like throwing crumbs to pigeons. Admit it, you chuckled.
    • Brian defending his atheism despite the fact that Peter met God by saying that Peter believes Mickey Mouse is somehow always there whenever he goes to Disney World.
    • The cutaway showing Peter setting up cutaways.
    Peter: Now, where are the gays?
    Gay Man: Over here.
    Peter: No, the really cartoony gays.
    Cartoony Gay Man: Yooooohooooo!
    • Peter making a cutaway that leads to a pedophile joke, then complaining to the Television Academy about them not winning an Emmy, saying that they would lave laughed at the joke had Modern Family done it.
    • At the end where Meg fades into thin air.
    • One of the stops on the gangs journey to find God is India.
    Peter: What better place to search for God than the most spiritual country on Earth!
    *The screen pans out, revealing the chaotic, filthy mess of an Indian city.
    Peter: God is not here.
    • Mario Williams' line:
    I would like to thank God and a jury of my peers, without whom I would not be playing today.
    • Chris going through the NFL Experience.
    I've got headaches. Oh well, at least I can donate my brain to science. (shoots self in chest)
  • "Fresh Heir"
    • When Peter fades out of existence after accidently tearing up his birth certificate.
    Peter: Oh god, there's no light! There's only fire!
    • When Peter bonds with a stranger and lets him in a car and plays "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", then Peter throws him out of the car.
    • When Carter and Chris make the pizza dude eat a plate of potatoes to get his tip.
    • The moral at the end.
    Peter: I've learned something today. Its wrong for a man to take his son to Vermont to gay marry him for his inheritance.
    Stewie: You... you should have known that already.
    • The reason Lois was able to track down Peter so fast? Several people had called the police about a man marying his son.
    • The Woody Allen reference that closes off the episode.
    Peter: By the way, this is a reference to a Woody Allen movie. He also married one of his kids.
  • "Secondhand Spoke"
    • Peters reaction to the smokers support group.
    Peter: Lois, why does everyone here look like Emperor Palpatine?
    • When Peter tried to prove that he does smoke he put a cigarette in his ear, then his eye, then his balls.
    • Chris' bad insult to the bullies.
    Chris: You have a sister too!
    • One of the bullies tries to defend having a microphallus by saying that he can reset his cable box with it.
    • Peter being unable to go more than about 30 seconds without smoking once he's hooked.
  • "Herpe, the Love Sore"
    • The coked-up giraffe
    • Stewie and Chris humiliating Brian by hacking into his Facebook page to exploit the fact that he has herpes.
    • The show Bryan Cranston Sneezes. Which is essentially just Bryan Cranston sneezing, then being handed an Emmy. Bonus points: This was a live action clip, with the real Bryan Cranston.
    • The first person Stewie calls about herpes? Handy Manny.
    Stewie: Manny? Manny, I'm gonna have you take off speakerphone for this...
    • Peter playing around with the whip he stole from Quagmire's mail.
    Stewie: Hey Peter, thats a Cool Hwip! *Peter lashes him across the face with the whip* AHHH! I thought you couldn't understand me!!
  • "The Most Interesting Man In The World"
    • Stewie as a grandfather confused about Skype.
    Old Stewie: Please dont holler, I dont understand anything! I'm very frightened!
  • "Great, we woke up the doorbell."
    • Peter going cavejumping.
    Peter: "I told no one what I was doing today!"
    • Smart Peter utterly schooling Brian and exposing him as the pretentious faux-intellectual he is.
    • Peter replacing the TV with a bookshelf, and offers various books to replace popular tv shows, such as Frankenstein to The Walking Dead. When he brings up Game of Thrones he offers... Game of Thrones.
    • When the family gets sick of Smart Peter, they decide to reset him to his original personality by sending him to the dumbest city in the U.S - Tucson, Arizona.
      • Tucson is portrayed as nothing but drooling idiots beating eachother up. Someone at Family Guy seems to have a grudge against Tucson because this is the second Take That the city has gotten in one season.
    • Dial Cross Species Schampoo, for people who like showering with their dog.
  • "Baby Got Black"
    • When Peter, Quagmire and Joe try to see who can go the longest without sleeping and they see hallucinations.
    • When one of the lobsters at the restaurant makes a sexual innuendo about Jeromes daughter, and Chris tells the waiter to give him that one for dinner.
    • Peters "Thank the whites" song, mostly the part with black people contributing to pop singers like Eminem and Justin Bieber.
    • Peter telling Chris about sex.
    Peter: It's AWESOME!
    • Peter dancing to Footloose.
  • "Meg Stinks!"
    • "Anal Roberts" university.
      • "It's hard to get into, but once you're in it's worth it."
    • Drunkee The Incredibly Offensive Indian Stereotype Sports Mascot
    • When Brian is blinded by the skunk he runs around the house and grabs Chris's leg, so Chris beats him with Stewie. Then the smell scares the roaches out of the wall and they form together into a giant hand to open the door and leave, but since they were 70% of the structure of the house the roof collapses on everyone.
      • When Lois asks if it's covered by their insurance, Peter replies that they don't cover acts of dog, then crawls over to a drum kit to do a rimshot.
    • Brian's nephew Scrappy Brian, who gets randomly eaten by a velociraptor.
    • When Peter gets his hand cut off by a bridge, he grows a new one and his discarded hand grows into his Evil Twin Retep, who like Evil Stewie has the color of his shirt and pants inverted. He later appears and puts a rock on the lawn knowing Brian will run over it, then when Peter and Meg are flying away in the Megcopter Peter sees him murdering a woman.
    • Peter as a pediatrist.
    Meg: I thought you liked working at the toy factory.
    Peter: Hell no, I always wanted to be a pediatrist!
    (Cut away to Peter rubbing an old woman's feet)
    Old Woman: Thanks to you Dr. Griffin my bunion is healed and I can walk without pain.
    Peter: (Looking at the audience) This isn't a joke. I once had legitimate aspirations.
    • Peter's claim that all Bob Seger songs are actually about taking dumps. It's made clear by the titles Night Moves (Crapping in the middle of the night), Fire Inside (Presumably a Potty Emergency), Like a Rock (Constipation), and Against the Wind (Crapping out of a car window).
    • A spider luring a group of flies into its web with a sign reading "Free Aerosmith Tickets".
    • Arnold Schwarzenegger without an accent.
    • Meg getting her body covered in piercings, which attract all of the magnets in a gift shop except for one which clings to a piercing Peter got on his penis.
    Peter: I got one too!
    • When Brian gives a speech to Stewie explaining why he's staying outdoors, he immediately teleports back in the house in-between thunderstrikes when it starts to storm. It's then revealed that Mayor West was watching them on a crystal ball.
  • "He's Bla-ack!"
    • Peter, Joe, and Quagmire ragging on Cleveland about how crappy his show was.
    • When Peter and Cleveland morphed their skin colors to avoid being seen by Donna.
    • The "Roof Baby" segment, as seen here.
    • Peter putting on the silent headphones and then hears a voice in his head screaming that he does not want to kill the people on the plane with Peter panicking.
    • Peter marrying a band member that was staring at him.
    • When Peter and Joe pretend to arrest Cleveland.
    • When Lois tells Peter to stay away from "that Brown family", Stewie notes that what she said had more racist implications than intended.
    • The flashback montage showing all the good times Peter and Cleveland had, some examples when he meet him in the 80s, sang karaoke and Peter pulling Cleveland's pants down.
  • "Chap Stewie"
    • Lois trying to qualm Stewie during his tantrum.
    Lois: There-there, sweetie. (Stewie bites her finger) AAAHH! SCREW YOU, YOU LITTLE TURD!!!
    • Even funnier, Meg trying to give Stewie a hug.
    Meg: Aww, youy wanna hug from your big sister? (Stewie headbutts her nose, breaking it) OW!
    • Chris and Stewie opening a lemonade stand only for the lemonade to somehow gain sentience, run away and stuff Chris into the pitcher.
    • Peter wishing that Meg be crushed by a meteor, then a Snickers bar coming out from inside the meteor.
    • British Stewie being crushed by a stage light and regular Stewie doing nothing to help him, making this the second time Stewie has been indifferent toward himself from an alternate timeline.
    • The various interchangeable Downton Abbey parodies that Stewie likes.
    • When Stewie shaves Peters hair in his sleep, Lois says he looks like a movie star. The next day, he's approached for an autograph on the street
    Peter: They think I'm Bruce Willis.
    Passersby: That was the monster from The Goonies!
    • British Stewies father.
    British Dad: This is our one superflous employee who I am not having a homosexual affair with.
    Servant: Sir, we have a meeting in the broom shed.
    *British Dad hands Stewie over to his mother* This is our last physical contact until I give you a firm handshake on your 18th birthday, son.
    • The only toy in Stewie's crib being an 18th century flintlock dueling pistol.
    • Stewie stealing plutonium from the research centre at Cambridge by carrying around a cup of tea and politely greeting the guards, making him utterly unremarkable to them.
Schools Out The MusicalFunny/Western AnimationThe Fantastic Four (1967)

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