Funny / Family Guy

    open/close all folders 

  • Whenever Brian acts like an actual dog.
    • From "Back to the Woods", when Brian, who is tied up to the pole because James Woods, who has recently stolen Peter's identity (and everything he has), does not like the fact that Brian is snooping around:
      Brian: [tugging on rope] This is humiliating. I went to Brown, for God's sa—
      [spots squirrel running past, starts chasing and barking at it wildly until the rope snags him backward]
      Brian: [confused] What the hell? The rope was longer, now it's shorter! What kind of black magic is this?
    • From "12 and a Half Angry Men", when Quagmire harps on Brian, thinking that he knows how the judicial system works, when he can't even understand his relationship with the mailman.
      [zoomed out shot showing Brian coming out from behind the garage on all fours and chasing the mailman away]
      Brian: You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you!! But come back tomorrow, same time, b-because I get sad on Sundays when you're not here.
    • In "New Kidney in Town", Peter complains that he didn't get any sleep because Brian and the neighbor dogs kept him up all night.
      Brian: [calling out from outside the window] Hello? Hello!
      Dog: Hello!
      Brian: Hey! Hey, are you a dog?
      Dog: Yeah, I am!
      Brian: I am also a dog!
      Dog: Yeah, we're both dogs!
    • From "Quagmire's Quagmire" we have Brian's reaction to firetrucks
      Brian: Oh my god! [runs from one side of the couch to the other] Ooowwwooooowwwwooooooo! I'm matching the sound! Awwwwooooouuuuwwoooo!! [runs back and forth frantically] Is what I'm doing helping?!
  • Peter Griffin's epic fights with Ernie the Giant Chicken. And in reverse!
    • The fact that Peter is always able to go right back to whatever he's doing afterwards, no matter how long and dragged out the fight was. Not to mention that the people he was talking to prior to the fight are just waiting for him to come back, and go right on with their conversations as if nothing happened.
  • Adam West. Cloud Cuckoo Lander taken to extremes.
    • I believe you mean ADAM WE.
    • All of his scenes in the episode about gay marriage.
    West: (seeing his own blood) Oh my God... I'm a tomato!
    • "Perhaps it was the Noid...who should have avoided ME."
    • "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm trying to get all the As out."
    • "So it's a shouting contest you want, is it? Well, game on, Quahog! AAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAH! AAA- I'm beating you!"
    • The Adam West song.
    • And let's not forget the cat launcher, which is a crossbow with cats. It's as awesome as it sounds.
    • Kebert Xela.
    • Adam West wanted all graves covered with concrete because he's afraid of zombies. "You'll thank me when no one eats our brains. You'll thank me." He later runs away screaming "zombie" after Quagmire comes out of his grave.
    • Adam West's disastrous press conference in "Twelve and a Half Angry Men."
    Child writing for elementary school newspaper: Mayor West, are you afraid of the dark?
    West: I thought I'd made it clear to you that asking me about the dark was off limits! This press conference is OVER!
    • "Old people are wizards in the future."
    • Adam West giving a eulogy when Peter and his friends are lost at sea.
    Adam West: The Bible declares, "an eye for an eye", so let us now take our vengeance against this murderous ocean." (takes out a knife and stabs a beach several times). You won't be hurting anyone anymore".
    • Mayor Adam West was arguably even more surreal during the early episodes, when he was still happily providing permits in-between his insane conspiracy theories and exclusively tucking/rolling from his bathroom to his office.
  • The Running Gag, seen where Peter's latest contraption gashes a hole in Cleveland's house, making Cleveland, in his bathtub, come crashing to the ground.
    Peter: Oh yeah, Cleveland moved...
    • Made even FUNNIER than, in an episode, a missile launched by Mayor West STILL manages to land and hit Cleveland's house in his own show!
    Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, no, nooooooo! (falls)
    Tim the Bear: (walks in screen) ...I don't get it.
    • And then the gag manages to be incorporated into "Something, Something, Something, Dark Side", when Cleveland as R2D2 falls into the Dagobah swamp.
    • On The Cleveland Show, Cleveland's ex is in the tub and crashes with it, only she dies.
  • The famous hurt knee.
    • In "FOX-y Lady", Lois' version appears in which she hurt her breast.
    • And in Something, Something Dark Side, happens to an AT-AT.
    • In "Viewer Mail 2", a variation of this appears, again with Peter, in the "Chap of the Manor" segment:
    Peter: (deep breath in) Bugger. (deep breath in) Bugger. (deep breath in) Bugger.
  • The "sounds of the rain forest" cutaway (where Peter buys a "Sounds of the Rainforest" CD to help him sleep, only it also includes sounds of loggers cutting down the trees and talking about how Sting — who advocates rainforest preservation — sucks) certainly qualifies.
    • Not to mention the "Sounds of the Studio Audience" commercial.
  • And now here's Ollie Williams, with the BlaccuWeather forecast. Ollie?
    Ollie: IT'S GON' RAIN!
    • Thanks, Ollie.
    • Also, Ollie's bit in the one with the hurricane:
    Tom: Do you have an umbrella, Ollie?
    Ollie: HAD ONE!
    Tom: Where is it?
    Tom" Well, can we get you anything?
    Tom: What Kind?
    Ollie: CHUNKY!
    • EGGO! That is all.
    • When Quahog is in the grip of a massive heatwave:
    Tom: How are you beating the heat, Ollie?
    Ollie: (swings by on a tire swing) SWIMMIN' HOLE!
    Tom: How does the weather look, Ollie?
    Ollie: (calmly) Not too bad.
    Tom: Right on.
    • HE GON' GET IT!
    • In the movie:
    Tom: I can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home.
    Ollie: (from offscreen) DID YOU CHECK YOUR TCP/IP SETTINGS?!
    Tom: Yes I did, Ollie.
    Tom: Yes, Ollie.
    Ollie: D'YOU WANT THIS DOG?!
    Tom: No thank you, Ollie.
  • The Kix cereal cutaway.
  • Any time Joe yells.
    Joe: "This is stupid. I wanna talk about VAGINAS!"
    Joe: "You're getting SLACKS!"
    Joe: 'You're starting to PISS ME OFF!!!"
    Joe: "Oh man, if I was a woman I'd press my bare boobs up against the glass in public, just for the SEXUAL THRILL! THE SEXUAL THRILL!!!"
  • Meg abuse jokes at times are hilarious.
    Meg: Hi, da-(gets shot)
  • Consuela
  • The DVD commentary tracks had some good bits:
    • Seth curses as Peter (keep in mind, this is before strong language was commonplace in the show, so at the time, it was hilarious hearing Peter say the F word)
    Peter: Lois, get the fuck off my back. I swear, one of these days, I'm gonna backhand ya! Jesus Christ.
    • In the commentary for "Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story", during the Ferris Bueller's Day Off parody, Seth mentions how he always found it annoying that Ferris was falling from his jump in slow motion while everyone else was regular speed. It's funny 'cause it's true.
  • In the later seasons, we have the repeated Take That!'s aimed at Florida, such as Peter mistaking the University of Florida for a Down's syndrome summer camp, the state being fingered as a haven for sex offenders, and a taunt song performed in duet by Peter and Quagmire.
  • The very fact that quite a few entries are on both the Nightmare Fuel page and this one, really says a lot about the show.
  • The show's merciless lampooning of the Tea Party/GOP.
  • Any time Peter acts like a three-year-old.

     Season One 

1. - Death Has a Shadow

2. - I Never Met the Dead Man

  • The trip to the American Southwest:
    Peter: Ah geez, did I just hit that ostrich?
    Wile E. Coyote: No.
    Peter: Are you sure?
    Wile E. Coyote: Yeah, he's fine. Keep going.
  • The new FOX reality show: Fast Animals, Slow Children.
  • This Scooby-Doo parody, made even more hilarious because it's actually Frank Welker voicing Fred.
  • Tom and Diane saying politically incorrect things now that the news isn't broadcast in Quahog, before the director tells them that they're still on the air in Boston.

3. - Chitty Chitty Death Bang

4. - Mind Over Murder

  • Stewie crying out in pain from teething, and Lois' nonchalant reaction to it.
    Stewie: *Yelling from his bed* DAMN IT TO THE BOWELS OF BLOODY HELL!
    Lois: *In the living room* Well, the baby's up.
  • Bert as Sipowitz, bare-assed and all.
    Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
    Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed!

5. - A Hero Sits Next Door

  • "Holy crip, he's a crapple!"
  • This exchange:
    Baseball Player 1: Hey, you want some gum?
    Baseball Player 2: Sure, thanks!
    Baseball Player 1: Ha ha, that was joke gum!
    Baseball Player 2: Whaddya mean?
    Baseball Player 1: Now you're addicted to heroin!
    (both laugh)
    Baseball Player 2: (starts shivering) I-I'm cold...

6. - The Son Also Draws

  • Peter drives the family to New York. Sadly for him, he had a prune smoothie before he left. Worse, the world seems to want to remind him that: They pass by sign saying "Dump, next left," a truck with the sign "WIDE LOAD," a furniture store with sign saying "All stools must go!", another car with bumper sticker saying "I love my Shih Tzu", and a sign reading "Only 15 Miles to Bob's House of Feces."
  • "Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits! It says 'OOOOO'!" "Peter, those are Cheerios."
  • The cutaway of Peter and Chris trying to get into the fair by wearing a horse costume.
    Peter: One, please.
    (Chris, the tail end, sneezes)
    Ticket salesman: Hey wait a second, your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk! No no no, nothing about this adds up at all!
  • "We're off! Those scouts are never gonna know what hit them! *reverses into the car behind* And, uh... neither will that guy. *drives off the right way*
  • One of the singing trees in the hallucination taking out a lighter and accidentally burning down the forest.
    Tree: Stupid bastard!

7. - Brian: Portrait of a Dog

     Season Two 

8. - Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater

9. - Holy Crap

10. - Da Boom

  • The fact that the very apocalypse was a few seconds late from happening. Seriously, count from when Peter finishes his countdown, to when Brian angrily retorts with "A flautist, Peter!" to the family's angry rumblings about Peter's actions to when the apocalypse actually happens.
  • Peter attempting to feed beans to Thomas Magnum through a TV screen, then scolding Higgins when he turns up on screen. Seth MacFarlane has said that this is is favourite moment of the show.
    • It should be worth noting that after a while, Higgins actually glares back at Peter with annoyance.
  • When a giant mutant rat approaches Joe, who is fused from the waist down to the concrete in his driveway, with the intent to eat him.
    Joe: BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!
    • The best bit? He shows up, later dug up from the asphalt completely unharmed. HE WON.

11. - Brian in Love

12. - Love Thy Trophy

13. - Death Is a Bitch

14. - The King Is Dead

  • Peter's version of The King and I. "I now declare Siam, The United States of America!" (And then everybody sings a song ending with a gratuitous line about Paul Lynde being gay.)
  • "Hey, were you there when I farted?"
  • Peter walks in on Tom Tucker doing a seductive pose to himself in the mirror. Tom repeatedly stammers "Get out of here!" and trips over a chair in the process.

15. - I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar

16. - If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'

  • Peter's first attempt to get Gumbel 2 Gumbel un-canceled:
    Peter: Well, until you put Gumbel 2 Gumbel back on the air, I'm going to go on a hunger strike. How about that, huh? Want that on your conscience?
    (brief pause)
    Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
    Executive: You can't eat a stapler...
    Peter: Wanna split it?
  • Peter's and Chris's "Make a Wish" scam gets out of hand:
    Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
    Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
    (brief pause)
    Peter: Oh, yeah.
  • The plague of blood occurs while Meg is giving Stewie a bath. Meg is naturally freaked out. Stewie, not so much.
    Stewie: (still playing with his boat) How delightful! It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble!
  • Brian gets fed up with Peter insisting that there's a rational explanation for the plagues.
    Brian: You want an explanation?! (grabs Peter by the collar and starts slapping him) GOD! IS! PISSED!

17. - Running Mates

  • The montage of Peter's presidential campaign, with highlights such as him accidentally stabbing a guy in the chest with a button and seeing an ugly baby and shaking its hand instead of kissing it.

18. - A Picture is Worth a 1,000 Bucks

  • Meg and Peter walking along in New York when the background suddenly changes to that of The Flintstones. They look around in absolute confusion before slowly backing away.
  • "Work of art, or container of crazy purple knockout gas?!"
    • He then ends up spraying himself with it.

19. - Fifteen Minutes of Shame

20. - Road to Rhode Island

  • "I-I'm not drunk, alright, I just have a speech impediment. (puke) And a stomach virus. (collapse) And an inner ear infection."
  • Stewie takes care of an overly loud drug buy keeping him awake as only he can:
    Stewie: Oh, for God's sake. There's only one way to put and end to this. (yells) He's wearing a wire!
    Dealer: What? You son of a—
    (cue gunshots and the sound of a body falling over. Stewie yawns, rolls over and goes to sleep)
  • This gem, as they travel in a stolen car.
    Brian: Look, I just need some time to think.
    Stewie: Yes, you've got lots to think about, don't you? Public drunkenness, grand theft auto...
    Brian: You left out the part where I made you smash your head into the windshield.
    Stewie: Well now, funny, I don't recall...
    (Slams on the brakes, makes Stewie smash into the windshield)
    Stewie: (gets back up) Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one.
  • Brian and Stewie try to get home via a crop duster plane. They try to take off...only to put the plane between two cows, snapping the wings clean off. Stewie's completely deadpan reaction:
    Stewie: Boy, will your face be red when they find the black box on this one.

21. - Let's Go to the Hop

  • Peter describing his experiences with drugs, and how things got "way too real."
  • Peter seeking advice from a poster of Greg Allman:
    Peter: Greg Allman, what did you do when times got tough?
    Greg: Me? I did a lot of drugs. Married some broad named Cher. I wouldn't recommend either one.

22. - Dammit Janet!

  • Meg mentions how Peter once turned the house into a puppet, prompting the viewer to wonder what the hell that could possibly mean... then they cut to it and it's exactly what it sounds like.
    "Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry!"

23. - There's Something About Paulie

  • At the start of the episode, Peter enlists the help of a shady individual who asks Peter to write down his phone number on his gun. When Peter makes a mistake, he casually crumples up the gun like a piece of paper and asks if the man has another.
  • When Peter meets face-to-face with The Don who asks him for a favor, which Peter assumes is gonna involve him killing someone.
    Peter: What are you gonna make me do!? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married!
  • After Big Fat Paulie gets involved in a VERY long drive-by shooting and falls over dead, Peter's first reaction?
    Peter: Ah jeez! You okay?
  • When Peter realizes Lois has a mob hit on her now, he plans to move the family to England, where the worst thing there are "drive-by... arguments."
    Englishman: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth?
    Jeremy: Why yes, I daresay that's the fellow.
    Englishman: Oh, let's get him.
    (They drive up)
    Englishman: Oh Reginald...
    (Reginald perks up)
    Englishman: I DISAGREE! (car peels off)
  • When Peter has to find the Don to call off the hit on Lois, he can only find a mobster in a "Pet Store. That's It, Pet Store."
    Peter: Look, I gotta call off the hit on my wife, where's the Don?
    Mobster: (loud and monotone) The Don!? I don't know what you're talking about! (holds up a sign saying "THE COPS HAVE THIS PLACE BUGGED")
    Peter: Come on, you know, the Don! You know, the captain of the mafia!
    Mobster: (holds up another sign saying "WHAT ARE YOU, A MORON?") Peter, there is no such thing as the mafia! (hands Peter an envelope and pulls out a longer sign)
    Peter: (reading aloud) "The Don's daughter is getting married tomorrow, here's my invitation." (looks a envelope) "Now get the asterisk-percent-ampersand out of here you SOB." What's a sob?
    (mobster decks him in the head with the sign)
  • Peter's rendition of "Rhinestone Cowboy" at the wedding of the Don's daughter.
    Peter: Like a Rhinestone Cowboy! DUN! DAAAAAAAAH!
    (Mobsters reach into their shirts)
    Peter: Frebuhuhmuecuh in a star-spangled horse in a rodeo!
    (Mobsters aim their guns)
    Peter: For my next number...
    (Mobsters cock their guns)
    Peter: Thank you very much, thank you Pawtucket!

24. - He's Too Sexy for His Fat

  • When Brian explains previous techniques to get rid of fleas, it cuts to him getting acupuncture by a Chinese doctor with an inexplicably thick Irish accent. Even in the official commentary, the crew is flummoxed as to where he's from.
    Brian: Hey, doc, do you have to keep those two boxes right next to each other?
    (cut to a shelf with boxes listing "Needles" and "Poison Tipped Needles" next to each other)
    Acupuncturist: Why? What do they say?
    Brian: (beat) I think we're through here.
  • When fleas infest their household:
    Lois: Peter! Stewie's covered in fleas!
    Peter: (unfazed) Big deal. When I was his age I was covered in ticks.
    Lois: Peter, this isn't a contest!
    Peter: (proudly) It was then.
    (Peter points to a trophy on the shelf labeled "Covered in most ticks")

    Peter: There's only one thing to do—learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, and breed with their women. And in time our differences will be forgotten.
  • After Peter gets surgery to make himself more attractive:
    Lois: Ahh, I hate what you've become! Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head!?
    Peter: Maybe I will! Then I'll put it on my feet and skate around on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!
    Lois: That doesn't make any sense!
    Peter: It doesn't have to, I'm beautiful!
  • After Peter introduces his new thin body to the family:
    Stewie: My god, it's finally happened! He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself, like a neutron star!
  • Later when Peter emerges as an almost unrecognizable hunk, Brian reacts to Peter with this without missing a single beat or changing his tone or facial expression:
    Brian: Hey buddy, you can't just come in here without— holy crap, it's Peter.
  • Peter thinking a girl selling lemonade is a drug dealer:
    Little Girl: But mister, I need real money. I can't take a credit card.
    Peter: Oh, cash only, huh, huh? No paper trail, huh? What are you selling? Reefer? Crack? Smack? Horse? X? Shrooms? Dust? Meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so! (Peter smashes the lemonade stand)
  • "Well if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in! See you at home, Chris."
  • The episode's B-plot sees Stewie pigging out on sweets to make Chris envious, only to gradually balloon up himself. Highlights include:
    • Fat!Stewie trying to ride a spring-loaded horsey at the park. "Well then. Giddy-up."
    • Stewie attempting to eat an ice cream cone, only to be unable to reach it; he then insults another baby passing by. The effort makes him pass out.
  • Dr. Hartman (in one of his first appearances) removing Peter's "protective Mr. Potato Head mask" after surgery.
  • The end of the episode sees Peter gain all of the weight he lost back by becoming distracted by his own beauty and falling from his car into a conveniently located lard factory. When Lois asks if he's learned a lesson from his vanity, he proudly declares "NOPE!" And that's how the episode ends. Commentary reveals that the writers did have a few pages left of Peter explaining what he'd discovered about himself, but when the episode ran long, they decided that him outright declaring his Aesop Amnesia was funnier.

25. - E. Peterbus Unum

  • As Peter initially digs out the family's backyard himself for a pool when he's denied a tax refund, he accidentally cuts through a power line, shutting off Joe's TV, Quagmire's sex doll, and for some reason, Cleveland's trampoline.
  • The entire scene where Peter goes to Mayor Adam West's office for a pool permit, from when he jumps Peter and beats the crap out of him thinking he's the district attorney to him enjoying his taffy. Seth MacFarlane says in the commentary "You should've seen him recording this, he was giving 110% that day."
  • When Peter technically annexes Joe's pool as part of Petoria, we cut to the US army informing then-president Bill Clinton and discussing their options. Their discussion is rather straightforward, but for some inexplicable reason, Clinton is completely nude.
  • The complete and utter ridiculousness of the US imposing political sanctions against Petoria is best summed up with this straight-face line as Tom Tucker reports live from the military blockade:
    Tom: I'm here at the Petorian front where the US has cut off all electricity, water and gas to the tiny four-bedroom republic.
    • What's more, Tom acts like he's doing serious war coverage, and afterwards he reports "Oh my god, they're opening fire!" as sounds fire off in the background... and then the camera pans to Tom simply popping bubble wrap and playing a slide whistle.
  • In a hilarious fluke gag, as the US finally engages "Operation Bomb the Crap Out of Your House" ("The guy who comes up with the names is on vacation!"), their first missile misfires, instead hitting Quagmire's house. It doesn't explode, it just casually juts partway through the roof as Quagmire and a random woman are having wine on the couch.

26. - The Story on Page One

  • The sequence when Stewie imagines what being big would be like. Turns out he would open a Big and Tall Man's Shop for other plus-sized men. The image of Stewie's normal head on the body of a gigantic fat guy is hilarious.
    • And immediately after, when Chris helps him get the Fig Newtons he was after, he begins to muse about using his older brother for his schemes—until he's interrupted by how good the Fig Newton tastes and screams "OH MY GOD, THERE'S AN ORGY IN MY MOUTH."
  • Stewie trying to buy instruments of carnage at the hardware store using a mind-controlled Chris. Seth Green affecting a Chris-ified version of Stewie's plummy Evil Brit accent while spouting Stewie-esque Ax-Crazy threats is hysterical. The "Family Guy Cast and Creator" episode of Inside The Actor's Studio reveals that this is Green's favorite Chris scene.

27. - Wasted Talent

  • This classic exchange:
    Young Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
    Museum Guide: Because you touch yourself at night.
    (brief pause, then Young Peter looks down in shame)
  • The whole Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory spoof. It has a ninja, a faked drive-by shooting, and a hilarious parody of "Pure Imagination"! As Peter says:
    • Since it's a Willy Wonka parody, there of course must be Oompa-Loompa expies—in this case, they're called the Chumba-Wumbas. What's Joe's "bad" behavior that gets him kicked off the tour? Being in a wheelchair (there's no ramp). The song the Chumba-Wumbas sing is straight up insulting.
    What is it like being STUCK IN A CHAIR? / Finding it hard to go up and down stairs! / What do you think of the one you call God? / Isn't his absence slight-ly-odd? MAYBE HE'S FORGOTTEN YOU.
    • In a sight gag that's not even acknowledged in the episode itself, the fourth set of people on the tour are Grandpa Joe and Charlie themselves.

28. - Fore Father

     Season Three 

29. - The Thin White Line

30. - Brian Does Hollywood

  • Near the beginning of the episode there's a cutaway of Peter and Brian throwing a frisbee back and forth. Due to Rule of Funny, Brian manages to accidentally cut off the top half of Peter's head with the frisbee and Peter yells "What are the odds?!" as the top of his head with his eyes stares up at the rest of him.
  • Lois says that it's best the family don't get in Brian's way because it wouldn't be the first time Peter's disrupted a performance. It then cuts to a performance of Cats... and Peter accidentally runs over one of the on-stage performers.
    Peter: Oh, jeez. Oh, God. I didn't see it. It jumped right out in front of my car. Oh, I am so sorry.
  • The Woody (a pornography award show) nominees for best soundtrack, who consist of two seedy looking guys with synthesizers, and John Williams, who apparently uses a full orchestra even when he's scoring pornography films.
  • And the fact that one of the nominees is Walter Murphy, long-time composer of Family Guy.
  • When the actual physical award is shown, it's actually pixellated.

31. - Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington

  • In the scene where the cigarette company coated the entire house in Teflon microfilm so that it's easier to clean... then everybody slips because they got the floor too. The kicker?
    Stewie: (sliding by on his butt, nude) I'm Nudes on Ice!
  • "Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole... Bob Dole... Bob... Dole..." *falls asleep*
  • "SMOKE!"
    • "Are you smoking yet?"

32. - One if by Clam, Two if by Sea

33. - And the Wiener is...

34. - Death Lives

  • According to Death, when Peter got struck by lightning he soiled himself.
  • When Peter's scavenger hunt takes his family to the sewers, Chris tells Lois that his goldfish they flushed wasn't dead, because he mutated in the sewer and has Chris at gunpoint.

35. - Lethal Weapons

  • Lois pimp slaps her Tae-Jitsu teacher to provoke him into fighting her.
  • Peter tries to insert a straw into a juice box, until he gets frustrated and destroys the box, then drinks the juice off the table.
  • Stewie suddenly reveals a tape under his shirt that recorded Lois saying she's a bad mother:
    Stewie: Ah-ha! I got it all on tape! (plays tape)
    Stewie on tape: Okay, this is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. (Present Stewie makes an Oh, Crap! face) What's new, Ed? Well, Stewie, tonight we have a really big show. Okay, and now a word from our sponsors. It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides! Bzzt! Butterfingers!
    Stewie: (stops tape) ...I was making radio shows for fun. Everybody does it. At least, everybody I know does it- SHUT UP! *runs off*

36. - The Kiss Seen Around the World

  • Meg's Fast Times at Ridgemont High spoofing fantasy about Tom Tucker in "The Kiss Seen 'Round The World."
  • When Lois unknowingly stops Stewie from exacting his revenge on a bully who stole his tricycle, she questions what's going on.
    Stewie: We're playing house.
    Lois: But that boy is all tied up...
    Stewie: (pause) Roman Polanski's house.

37. - Mr. Saturday Knight

38. - A Fish out of Water

39. - Emission Impossible

  • Lois' sister Carol is going into labor and Peter is driving them to the hospital, when suddenly...
    Peter: (pulls into a drive-thru) Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers...
    Lois: Peter, for God's sake, she's having a baby!
    Peter: Oh, that's right. (to drive-thru) And a kid's meal...
  • The gag where Stewie puts on lipstick in order to get it all over Peter's shirt hoping Lois will think he's unfaithful and therefore not try to have another kid with him. Then he sees himself in the mirror...
    Stewie: You want it bad, and you don't care how you get it because you have no self-respect and that gets you off!

    Brian: Wow, the evidence is really piling up.
    Stewie: Make any joke you want! You KNOW I look good!
  • This line:
    Stewie: God, all this work to stop people from having sex. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels.

40. - To Love and Die in Dixie

  • The crook that Chris sees rob a store is trying to escape from the police and sees a bike. Rather than try to drive it away, he carries it with him.
  • The Running Gag of Peter getting attacked by a raccoon. Somehow, at the episode's climax it manages to get inside his gun.
  • Peter's first time using an outhouse:
    Peter: Hey, uh, Lois, I don't get how this works; it's just a hole. I don't think it goes anywhere. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere.
    (a bird flies into the outhouse and knocks it over)
    Peter: (mortified) Augh, oh God, oh it's everywhere! Augh, it's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!

41. - Screwed the Pooch

  • "I looooooooove chocolate... but I can't eat it because then I'll get FAT."
    • "But it's SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD."

42. - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

43. - Ready, Willing, and Disabled

44. - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

  • Peter manages to confuse the meanings of "for" and "from", leading to him donating all of his family's presents to charity.
    Peter: Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?
    Brian: I think they had a meeting about it last night.
    Peter: Why wasn't I told?
    Brian: They sent you a card, but it said "for Peter", so you must have thought it was "from" you, so you didn't.. umm... You know it's just easier to call you stupid.
  • Peter's plan to get the presents back from a family in a mobile home:
    Brian: You're really going to take back donated presents on Christmas Eve?
    Peter: Yep, now here's the plan: You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now there'll be an invisible laser grid 3 inches from the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
    Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?
  • Peter loses patience over the lack of empty parking spaces at the mall, and parks the station wagon on top of another car.
  • Peter finds a pair of the earrings Meg wanted, but an old woman wants them for her granddaughter. Peter licks the box and asks her if she still wants it, but she gives him a titty twister and takes the earrings back.
  • The scene where Brian tries to put out a fire, and it gets worse since he uses a "Joke Fire Extinguisher" that releases flammable pop-up snakes.
    Brian: Damn it, Peter!
    • When the rest of the family comes home, Brian calls Peter out on it:
    Brian: Who the hell buys a joke fire extinguisher?
    Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.
  • Lois finally snapping when Meg says they're out of paper towels. "No...paper...TOWELS??!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Made even funnier after she's raged at the family and ran out the house in an Unstoppable Rage... then Meg finds the paper towels.
  • On Christmas Day, Brian gets a present that looks like a wine bottle, then he unwraps it and it turns out it's a book.

45. - Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

46. - From Method to Madness

47. - Stuck Together, Torn Apart

  • Peter and Lois' marriage counselor puts cameras around the family's house to determine their behaviors... some of the things he came across as "an accurate cross-section" are weird, to say the least.
    Peter: (while in hula skirts with Chris) No! It's step, hip, step, pivot! (slaps him) Are you trying to piss off the volcano?!

48. - Road to Europe

  • Any scene with The Pope.
    Cardinal: Pope?... Pope! Is time to get up and put on your hat.
    Pope: It's a stupid hat!
    (later to Brian and Stewie)
    Pope: You make-a the Pope look like a fool! God will make you pay! SMITE THEM! [[(Beat pause that lasts for several seconds)]] He's-a cookin'-a something up.
  • "I vill hear no more insinuations about ze German people! NOTHING BAD HAPPENED! Sie werden sich hinsetzen!! Sie werden ruhig sein!! Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland!!!"
  • When Stewie tearfully realizes that "Jolly Farm" is all fake, Brian tries comforting him.
    Brian: You wanna go get some ice cream?
    (Stewie shakes his head 'no')
    Brian: You wanna get some McDonald's?
    (Stewie shakes his head 'no')
    Brian: You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?
    (Stewie nods his head 'yes')
    Brian: Okay, let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
  • In the "KISS-Stock" subplot, when two members of KISS walk out, and the other break into "Chattanooga Choo-Choo," surprising the crowd. Seriously.

49. - Family Guy Viewer Mail No. 1

A - No Bones About It

  • After becoming boneless, Peter says that he has to fart but doesn't know which way to lean.
  • Stewie makes a snow angel in Peter, then prepares to pee his name into him.
  • When the Griffins go to the mall, Peter ends up getting caught in an escalator.
  • On a teacup ride at Disney World, Peter gets sent flying into a bath house where Michael Eisner unknowingly uses him as a towel.

B - SuperGriffins

  • The Griffins' radiation-induced superpowers: Peter can shapeshift, Chris has pyrokinesis, Stewie has psychokinesis, Brian has Super Speed, Lois has Super Strength... and Meg can make her fingernails grow out.
  • Chris sets his friend Hector on fire for one time thinking that his last name was "Gristle".
  • When the Griffins appear on the news, there are images of Stewie holding an ice cream truck upside down in the air, Peter turning into a tsunami and terrorizing a beach, and Meg popping a baby's balloon.
  • When Mayor West tells the Griffins that they've become drunk with power, Stewie telekinetically punches his mouth in in response.
  • Mayor West tries to get superpowers by rolling around in nuclear waste. Unlike the stuff that gave the Griffins their powers, he just gets lymphoma.

C - Lil' Griffins

  • They play the Two Scenes, One Dialogue trope with Peter and Quagmire each discussing the same plans of scaring the other group... though it's a little lopsided.
    Peter: We can't let those guys win. What we ought to do is pretend we're ghosts, see-
    Quagmire: -and then we'll scare the other guys out of the house-
    Peter: -then we can say that we spent-
    Quagmire: -the-
    Peter: -night. Then, everyone will think we're-
    Quagmire: -the-
    Peter: -bravest kids in the world. Especially Lois. Heheheheheheheh-
    Quagmire: Al-riiiiiiiigh-
    Peter: -heheheheh-
    Quagmire: -ehhhhhhh-
    Peter: -heheheheh-
    Quagmire: -eeght.
    (beat as Quagmire silently looks around)
    Peter: -heheheheh.

50. - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

     Season Four 

51. - North by North Quahog

  • The first scene after its resurrection is possibly one of the funniest Take Thats to one's own network ever.
    Peter: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been canceled.
    Lois: Oh no, Peter! How could they do that?
    Peter: Well unfortunately Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That '80s Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, and (glances at Chris) Greg the Bunny.
    Lois: Is there no hope?
    Peter: Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.
  • Peter and Lois' dirty talk.
    Lois: Honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets, huh?
    Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.
    Lois: Hehehe...that's me.
    Peter: You dirty hustler.
    Lois: Hehehehe...
    Peter: You filthy, stinky prostitute.
    Lois: Aha, okay, I get it...
    Peter: You foul, venereal disease carrying, street walking whore.
    Lois: Alright, that's enough!
  • "Oh man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down." *crashes through chair*
  • As Stewie and Brian goes to visit the parents of Jake Tucker to talk about how Jake is being a bad influence on Chris, Brian tells Stewie to 'not mention the kid's (Jake) face' under any circumstances. Ironically during the conversation with the parents, it's Brian who inadvertently mentions it while doing his best to be civil.
    Brian: This whole situation has just turned his whole life upside-down face.
    (Brian widens his eyes in horror as Stewie delivers Brian a brutal You Have Got to Be Kidding Me! glare on his face)

52. - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci, Jr. High

  • The cutaway of Peter using a hose to try to turn the house staircase into a water slide, which ends with him brutally injuring himself. Brian is apathetic:
    Brian: I'm not going to call the hospital, because you won't learn anything if I do.
  • When Mrs. Lockhart passes test papers.
    Mrs. Lockhart: What do you see here, Chris? (holds his paper next to her cleavage)
    Chris: Two D's and an F.
  • Lois tells Chris that he must do something romantic and unexpected to win a girl's heart. He comes to school the next day wearing nothing except spaceman boots and an astronaut helmet, the same clothing Peter wore to surprise Lois.
  • After that, this Cutaway Gag with Donny and Marie Osmond in bed together.
    Donny: Uh... Marie?
    Marie: Yeah, Donny?
    Donny: Um... we cannot tell Mom.
  • Stewie, with curlers and a clay face mask on, yelling at Chris to get in the house.
  • This:
    Lois: What's this? You know, Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pockets. She's more respectfuI than that.
    Stewie: Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

53. - Blind Ambition

  • Blind!Peter accidentally climbing into Chris's and then Stewie's bed because he thinks they're Lois. Stewie's reaction is the best. "WHAT THE DEUCE?!"
  • When Bonnie believes that it would be unsafe to give birth in a neighborhood with Quagmire in it:
    Peter: Okay, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like six years, all right. Either have the baby or don't.
  • The cutaway of Stewie and Brian after he's neutered and has to wear a cone:
    Stewie: Okay, okay if I make this we're all going to get laid. (He shoots a crumpled paper ball into Brian's cone) Haha, yes! Score, score!
    Brian: Boy, I'd really like to chew on my crotch right now.

54. - Don't Make Me Over

  • The following:
    Stewie: (singing) I want to have intercourse with you. Uh-oh-yeah. Intercourse with you.
    Brian: (singing) Relations.
    Stewie: Intercourse with you-oo-oo-whoo! Right?
    Brian: Yeah, no great, that sounds good.
    Stewie: All right, groovy, groovy. Now, is there a shorter word for intercourse?
  • Brian's dare to Stewie at the mall earlier in the episode:
    Stewie: (running naked through the mall) Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!
  • "Oh my God, we don't know any songs!"

55. - The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire

  • By the barbershop quartet plus Peter, "You Have AIDS".
  • The Petercopter and the Hindenpeter. "HOW CAN YOU AFFORD THESE THINGS?!"
  • (Peter in a Quagmire mask humping Brian in a Loretta mask) "I"m Quagmire, I'm Quagmire, you're my best friend's wife but who cares? I'm Quagmire!"
  • The part where Quagmire uses Adam West's banana to try to fend off Cleveland:
    Adam West: When the time comes, you'll know what to do.
    (Quagmire tosses banana at Cleveland, who stops for about half a second)
    Quagmire: Dammit! (chase resumes)

56. - Petarded

  • Peter as a tumor.
  • The doctor explaining Peter's IQ puts him on a chart. From top to bottom are the words "Average", "Retarded" and "Creationists" with Peter in the lower portion of the middle.
  • "Good thing I just watched that National Geographic special on fire trucks."
  • "Attention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all."
  • For that matter Peter using his disability as an excuse to watch women pee.
    Oh, you're just curious! Here, let me show you how everything works down there!

57. - Brian the Bachelor

58. - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

  • The time Peter bought the breakfast machine from Pee-wee's Big Adventure:
    Peter: "WHAT was the point of all that?! Argh! All it does is shoot ya! It doesn't make breakfast at all! Owww!"
  • When Meg tells Lois she could be having a life on Saturday night:
    Lois: "Meg, if you don't want to babysit anymore, that's fine, but don't you stand there and lie to me."
    Peter: "OH-HO Meg, she torched your ass man! She torched your ass!"
  • At Mort's pharmacy:
    Peter: Hey Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors?
    Mort: Peter, are you eating those?
    Peter: No, I'm shoving 'em up my butt. Of course I'm eating 'em!
  • Also,
    Stewie: (to Jeremy, the babysitter's boyfriend) Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow"! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!
  • It's a bad joke on Meg but still:
    Meg: Please go out with me. I'm just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I'll pay and everything.
    Boy: Yeah...uhh...that sounds cool but I'm gonna be in the hospital that night. (shoots himself in the stomach with a nail gun)

59. - Breaking Out is Hard to Do

  • The scene where Chris gets pulled into the "Take On Me" music video while trying to retrieve milk from the store, coupled with his confused reaction afterward:
    Lois: Chris, where have you been?
    Chris: I DON'T KNOW!
    • He's Quagmire! Quagmire! You never really know what he's gonna do next! He's Quagmire! Quagmire!
      • Quagmire: Giggidy, giggidy, let's have sex!
  • "The Asian Trix Rabbit."
  • Three's Company Asiantown
  • "Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of the pieces to my Lite Brite! My name's not Adam We!...Or is it...? Who am I? What number did you dial?! Don't ever call me again."
  • Peter and "that thing" he and Lois do "every Thursday night". At the top of the stairs. (It was originally going to be even worse too.)
    • Almost as funny as that is that after Peter falls Brian looks at him for a second then goes back to reading his newspaper without saying a word.

60. - Model Misbehavior

  • Cookie Monster in a toilet stall frantically "cooking up" cookie dough in a spoon: "C'mon, c'mon!"
  • Carter forcing Peter to eat a pine cone.
  • Peter says he's luckier than the state of Rhode Island, leading to this cutaway.
    Founding Father 1: Well, I can't decide what to call this place.
    Founding Father 2: We'll flip a coin.
    Founding Father 1: All right. Heads: Rhode Island. Tails: Cacapoopoopeepeeshire.

61. - Peter's Got Woods

  • Peter playing peek-a-boo with Stewie. "Oh, great, leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence."

62. - Perfect Castaway

  • Peter and Michael Moore's farting contest.
  • Peter wants Meg to carry a leaf bag instead of a condom in case a boy wants to have his way with her.
    Peter: (holds leaf bag) Meg, HEFTY HEFTY HEF-TY! (holds condom, high-pitched voice) Wimpy, wimpy, wim-py!
  • When Brian is breaking up with Lois:
    Stewie: Uh! Oh my god. No way.
    Stewie: Oh, bitch, you got jacked, bitch!
  • Peter says that he used to be a construction worker in New York, but he never got the catcalling right. Cue to Peter working on a construction site with three other guys while an attractive woman walks by:
    First worker: (whistles)
    Second worker: Yeah, baby!
    Third worker: I want a piece of that!
    Peter: YOU SUCK!

63. - Jungle Love

  • This:
    Lady Guinevere: Oh, Arthur, if you can remove this sword from its stone, and prove that you are the true king of England, I will make love to you in this very field.
    Arthur: What if I just move it a little? Will you touch me?

64. - PTV

  • Osama bin Laden's bloopers.
  • The Dick Van Dyke Show gets Censored for Comedy, becoming "The (BLEEP) Van (BLEEP) Show: Starring (BLEEP) Van (BLEEP)."
  • The FCC Song.
  • Peter's failed attempt at escaping from the FCC when they come to tell him that PTV is going off the air. He puts on a jetpack, but instead of flying away, the jetpack makes him fall over and headbutt the wall repeatedly until the jetpack runs out of fuel.
    Peter: OK, you caught me.
  • When Peter explains one of his sex sessions with Lois, it ends up being censored by an airhorn.
    Peter: Oh, Lois, you are so full of (HONK)! ...What!?! I can't say (HONK) in my own (HONK)-ing house? (HONK)-ing great, Lois, just (HONK)-ing great! You're lucky you're good at (HONK)-ing my (HONK) or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about. When you (HONK) lubed up (HONK) toothpaste in my (HONK) and you (HONK) cherry (HONK) Episcopalian (HONK) extension cord (HONK) wetness (HONK) with a parking ticket? That is the best!

65. - Brian Goes Back to College

  • Peter sprays himself with Tag Sick Cat Body Spray.
  • This part:
    Peter: This looks like a job for the A-Team! (slams his gun down and shoots a hole in the ceiling, causing Chris to fall face-first onto the floor)
    Chris: Hi, Dad!
    Peter: Go to your room.
    Chris: Okay! (runs up the stairs and falls through the hole again face first)
  • Brian meets a girl in college:
    Speaker: "Look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistics indicate that both of those men will rape you."
    Man on the left: I'm not gonna rape you.
    Man on the right: I might.
  • Any gag involving James Bottomtooth.

66. - The Courtship of Stewie's Father

  • Brian trying to cheer up Peter with "It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time", especially when Peter leaves the room and he just keeps at it.
  • Stewie's reaction to Peter taking him to Disney World.

67. - The Fat Guy Strangler

  • When Brian is trying to tell Lois her brother is a serial killer she denies it. What makes it funny is the sheer overwhelming evidence (photos of him strangling fat guys, a dead fat guy in his room, a half dead fat guy in his room that says "Patrick tried to kill me.") doesn't convince her, but Brian simply shouting at her does.
  • Peter announces to everyone that he's fat.
  • That game of The Price Is Right
    I bid $780.
    And your bid, Sarah?
    What was the last bid, Bob?
    $780, Sarah.
    I bid $781.
    Fuck you!

68. - The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz

  • That time Peter lost his virginity.
  • Jesus is buried after the crucifixion, then he leaps into a redneck who just slept with a farmer's daughter. "Oh boy!"
  • Peter at his cousin's wedding, during a cutaway:
    Preacher: If anyone has any objections, Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace.
    Peter: (Looks around) Really? No one's gonna speak up? I'm the one whose gonna have to say it? Alright...GENITAL WARTS!

69. - Brian Sings and Swings

70. - Patriot Games

71. - I Take Thee Quagmire

  • Peter on Wheel of Fortune. "Uh...uh...Z, Uh, 4, Q, uh-uh another Q, a third Q...and the Batman Symbol."
    • Miraculously, despite no help with those choices, Peter guesses correctly: "Is it "Alex Karras in Webster?" (ding ding ding!) "I... don't... believe it."
    • And later, when he's picking out the prizes:
    Peter: Say, uh, how much for the fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
    Pat: That's you.
    Peter: Oh, embarrassing...
  • The fake death for Quagmire that Peter, Joe, and Cleveland set up.
    • When Joan doesn't buy it, Quagmire comes in and pretends to have a heart attack, leading to this:
    Joan: Is he all right?
    Joe: No, he's dead. I can tell. I'm a cop.
    Joan: Oh, my God. Are you sure?
    Peter: You know what'll prove it? When people die, they void their bowels. (nothing happens) I said, when people die, they void their bowels.
    (cut to the outside of the house, where Peter, Cleveland and Joe all laugh at Quagmire)
    Peter: What a jackass.

72. - Sibling Rivalry

  • Lois and Peter 'roleplaying':
    Lois (dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl): Oh, I need a spankin'. I'm a bad, bad girl!
    Peter: I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-five holy avenger.
    Lois: Paladins can't use the helm of disintegration!
    Peter: Oh. Then I'm a black guy!
  • Peter challenging Lois to a race around the world.
  • The Vasectomy Song.
  • This exchange:
    Bertram: Well, well, well. If it isn't my half-brother, Stewie!
    Stewie: Bertram! I haven't seen you since our microscopic encounter. How the deuce did you get out of Peter's testicles?
    Bertram: He donated sperm.
    Stewie: Gross.

73. - Deep Throats

  • Brian telling Lois about what he watched on TV: "I just watched a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I still don't know what a hollaback girl is. All I know is that I want her dead. Hey, can you hand me the remote?" (said remote is right next to him)
  • Peter and Lois licking Chris like ice cream when they're high.
    Chris: (sobbing) Stop!
  • The uncut version of Lois and Peter lying on top of each other naked on the couch much to Stewie and Brian's discomfort:
    Brian: All we need is one incriminating entry in this datebook and that's our ticket to...
    (He and Stewie see Lois and Peter lying completely naked on the sofa)
    Peter: Hey Brian. What's up?
    Brian: Uh, hi, um, Lois...Peter...
    Lois: Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's sooo comfortable!
    Peter: Hey, Lois. Look how short Stewie is. (laughs) He's so short. (continues laughing)
    Lois: Oh my God, he is short.
    (both laugh hysterically)
    Lois: Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door! What should I do?
    Brian: What?
    Lois: He's knocking on the back door! Should I let him in? I'm scared!
    Stewie: Well, um, you two are busy being nude, so, um, we'll just head out and uh...let you be nude.
    • Ironically, given that Brian sees Lois naked, he reacts very nervously, considering the fact he has a crush on her. Watch the clip for yourself. You'll never watch Family Guy the same way again!

74. - Peterotica

  • Peter's erotic novel, The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish. As read by Betty White.
  • Jude Law and Renée Zellweger in The Picnic.
    Jude: These ants are ruining our picnic!
    Renee: (face comically stretched out so she looks like an anteater) You mean the picnic is ruining our ants! (Cue scene of Renée eating ants set to Roll To Me.)
  • The lawyer being forced by Carter to fight the Rancor, but he somehow wins the battle...
    Carter: Huh, I didn't know that "Greenberg" was a Jedi name...

75. - You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives

76. - Petergeist

77. - Untitled Griffin Family History

78., 79. and 80. - Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story

  • The "incest episode" from the DVD extra:
    Brian: WRONG! It's WRONG! (pounds table)

78. Stewie B. Goode

  • This:
    Peter: You know what really grinds my gears? You, America! Fuck you! Diane?

79. Bango Was His Name Oh

  • Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man! Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man! Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man!
  • To make sure no one notices they're gone, Stewie has two robots of himself and Brian:
    Robot Stewie: Damn you vile woman. Blast. What the deuce?
    Robot Brian: I am a tool. Stewie is better than me at everything, including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends.

80. Stu and Stewie's Excellent Adventure

  • Brian in Heaven:
    Brian: "Wow, I can't believe I'm in heaven and drinking with Kurt Cobain, Ernest Hemingway, and Vincent van Gogh! But still, it feels like we all got here a little earlier than we should have."
    Ernest Hemingway: "Yeah, well, I collapsed under the weight of my own genius and shot myself."
    Vincent Van Gogh: "I could not reconcile my passion with the way others were living around me, so I shot myself."
    Kurt Cobain: "I hated the thought of my music becoming part of some bland corporate mechanism, so I shot myself."
    Brian: (sheepishly) "Yeah, I...I just got into the garbage and ate some chocolate."
  • Stewie's defacement of Brian's grave (he crosses Brian's name and writes "Douchebag" on it):
    Stewie: "Oh, this is fantastic!"
    Stu: "Well, that's not very appropriate, Stewie..."
    Stewie: "Well, of course it is; I loathed that know-it-all flea-bitten mutt!"
    Stu: "No no, it's just that the meaning of that word has changed, ever since President Douchebag."

     Season Five 

81. - Stewie Loves Lois

  • Stewie faking an overdose to get Lois' attention.
    Brian: You look like a jackass.
    Stewie: Can't hear you, Brian; I'm dead.
    Brian: All right. *plugs up the toilet with a towel, then flushes*
    Stewie: What did you do? *toilet overflows and begins to flood the bathroom* Oh, that is so not cool...
    • Kermit the racist:
    Man: Excuse me, do you know the way to town?
    Kermit: Yeah, it's back the way you came. (cocks shotgun)
    • Stewie switching to Spanish.
    • When Peter first comes home from Dr. Hartman's office (where he bolted from a routine prostate exam):
    Lois: Peter, my God, you look terrible!
    Peter: I was raped.
    Lois: (chuckles) What?
    Peter: Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
    Lois: (chuckles again) What?!
    (Peter whispers to Lois)
    Lois: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.
    Peter: You sound just like him! (runs out crying)
    Lois: Fucking idiot.
    • This scene:
  • After Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland confess that Dr. Hartman "molested" them (actually giving them a prostate exam), Joe says: "You guys are a bunch of queers." And rolls away. And comes back and says, "AND SO AM I!"
  • "Relax! I be a doctor!"

82. - Mother Tucker

83. - Hell Comes to Quahog

  • "Dude, these animals are so FUCKING funny!"
    • "Yeah! Rumsfeld!"
  • Peter blows a raspberry every time Meg's name is mentioned, prompting Chris to then repeat Meg's name over and over again until Lois tells him to stop. At the end of the episode, he does so again, but actually farts on the last mention of Meg. "Uh-oh...Pardon me."
  • In "Hell Comes To Quahog" Meg says she's going to get a job to pay for a car and Chris tells her he'll pay her a dollar a day to smell his sneakers. His repeated laughing and the family's bored reactions to this are hilarious.
    • In the uncut version, he eventually soils himself and declares "Oh, I peed and pooped."

84. - Saving Private Brian

  • The whole episode full stop, but one line in particular.
    Peter: Don't listen to her Chris, the army is great! You get free food, they pay for college, and all the brown people you can rape.
  • Getting a birthday telegram from Zinedine Zidane.
  • Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills. One of the few times I've laughed so hard that I teared up. "Hold out your stockings, kids!!"
  • Peter trying to cover the sounds of his farts by coughing at a meeting.

85. - Whistle While Your Wife Works

  • When the opening sequence went horribly wrong...
  • A lot of the dumb things Jillian says.
    Jillian: I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him!
  • Jillian's Girl Posse. They make Jillian look like a genius by comparison.
  • Anything involving Buzz Killington.
    So who wants to hear a good story about a bridge? (everyone facepalms)
  • Peter's new porn hiding place.

86. - Prick Up Your Ears

87. - Chick Cancer

  • Chester Cheetah, the exemplar of cool:
    (Chester's run-down apartment, "Tom Sawyer" by Rush is playing; Chester chops up a pile of Cheetos with a razor blade like it was cocaine...and then snorts a line of it.)
    Chester: (snort) OHHHHHH THERE IS NO FUCKING DRUMMER BETTER THAN NEAL PEART! (slams his fist into the glass table, shattering it; regards his now glass-strewn hand nonchalantly) It ain't easy being cheezy.
  • Peter's chick flick Steel Vaginas.
    • Joe's "fake legs" (seemingly ripped from an NES game) in said scene.
    • Joe's reaction to the finished movie: "Boy, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen." "My ass is actually sore. MY ass is actually sore." (even funnier is that the line was AD-LIBBED by Patrick Warburton!)
  • When Stewie and Olivia start dating, they spend the day together and leave before dark because the area they're in is dangerous at night. We then see a lion and a robot fight each other.
  • The "Look at my kids" scene.

88. - Barely Legal

  • The Wiz Shout-Out with a large number of black people randomly dancing in the streets after Mayor West sends the entire police department to Colombia to "rescue" a fictional character from Romancing the Stone, a movie from fifteen years ago.
  • The A plot is Meg falling in love with Brian whilst his attempts to reject her just don't get through to her. One of the ways he tries to get out of a relationship with her is pretending he's homosexual.
    Brian: "I saw this penis on the Internet the other day, and I thought to myself; 'Well that's...that's just fine.'"
    • Later in the same scene:
      Brian: "I have plans with Chris. We're gonna do...uh...what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon."
      Chris: "Masturbate?"
      Brian: "Masturbate, we're gonna masturbate together!note 
      Chris: "Well, maybe back-to-back, but I gotta tell you, I ain't 100% on this."
  • "Say whip." "Whip." "Now say Cool Whip." "Coo' Hwip." "Cool Whip!" "Coo' Hwhip." "You're eating hair!" *spit*
    • "Just relax. We're gonna be here for a hwhile!"
    • "Brian, you're acting hweird!"
      • "Oh, COME ON! That one doesn't even have an H in it!"
  • When Peter and Lois find Meg after she's kidnapped Brian:
    Lois: Brian, she's a teenager!
    Peter: Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that oriental guy that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
    Lois: Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm going to explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement.

89. - Road to Rupert

90. - Peter's Two Dads

  • The time Mother Teresa OD'd in Stewie's car.
    Random Guy #1: She is messed up, man!
    Stewie: Shut up, okay? Just shut up and let me fuckin' think!
    (Stewie drives for a few seconds, then stops)
    Stewie: Push her out!
    Random Guy #2: We can't leave her alone!
  • After Francis died, Peter buried him in a pet cemetery and he inexplicably burst out of the ground, prompting Peter to beat him with his shovel.
  • The time Peter got stuck behind Robert Loggia at the airport.
  • After Peter smokes crack (which he bought from a white guy selling it at Black's Hardware Store) to keep from drinking: "Gubment came and took my baaaaaaaaaby!"
    • Brian's reaction to Peter smoking crack sells it:
    Brian: Peter, what're you doing?!
    Peter: Crack.
    Brian: What the FUCK?!

91. - The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou

92. - Airport '07

  • What happens when you date a hot girl with a bad laugh? Well...
  • Peter eats half of a fudgesicle in one bite, and proceeds to cry out in agony until his head explodes.

93. - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

  • Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Conway Twitty. The first time, anyway.
  • Carter: Why are you naked inside my house?
    Peter: Uhh...why aren't you?
    Carter: Beat You're alright, Griffin.
  • The Chuck E. Cheese sequence.

94. - No Meals on Wheels

  • "Decoys, Lois. Decoys!"
  • Peter adopts puppies.
  • Peter after saying goodbye to Ben Stiller, watches him flying away to the sunset, and says, deeply touched: "His movies are terrible."
  • "Men, form up Cripple-Tron!"
  • Ben Stiller and his giant ears.
    Peter: Ben Stiller, help me!
    Ben: No, Peter. I heard what you said about my movies.
    Peter: How?
    Ben: Uh, HELLO!
    Peter: Go to hell, you mutant offspring of comedy people.
  • The seemingly never-ending theme song to Maude is a hilarious Overly Long Gag. "Whew, that was an ordeal."
  • "M.C. Escher."
  • Peter is approached by a wheelchair-bound Vietnam vet, who tells him, "I've seen some things, man, and I've seen some stuff. I wouldn't recommend it!"
  • At the end of the episode, Peter apologizes to Joe about giving he and his wheelchair buddies a hard time, since he now knows what it's like being in a wheelchair. Joe accepts the apology and asks Peter if he wants to watch Grey's Anatomy with he and Bonnie. Peter replies, "Oh, boy, Joe, I... I got to tell you, that... that... that sounds awful." End of episode.

95. - Boys Do Cry

  • Jake Tucker's audition for church organist. He needs the music sheet to be upside-down.

96. - No Chris Left Behind

97. - It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One

  • The Legion of Doom scene in "It Takes a Village Idiot and I Married One."
    Lex Luthor: How did she (Lois) discover our plan?
    Solomon Grundy: Me, Solomon Grundy, kind of dropped the ball on that one.
  • Peter's cowboy song (both the edited version where Peter says they're having "cowboy gay sex" and the original version, which was "cowboy butt sex")
  • The Griffins' previous family trip, when they were on the price climbing game on The Price is Right (the one with the yodeling paper doll).
  • Brian and Stewie go berry-picking, and Stewie remarks that "once every hundred years in this spot, Donny Most rises from the mist." Cue Donny himself slowly emerging from the mist, complete with a gigantic background chorus singing about his role on Happy Days, all to the tune of the title number from Brigadoon. What makes it even better is that they got Most himself to do his single line:
    Chorus: Donny Most...Donny Most...he was Ralph on Happy Days. Donny Most...DONNNN-EEEE MOOOOST! Now he rises from the haze...
    Donny Most: Actually, it's Don Most now.
    (He slowly descends back into the mist)
    Chorus: Donny Most...Donny Most...SUNDAY, MONDAY, HAPPY DAYS!
  • The guys talking about their work on Lois' campaign.
    Peter: Boy, you guys, I really appreciate all the help you've given us. Expect for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing.
    Quagmire: What the hell are you talkin' about? Lois is gonna get the entire female vote because of me. I've been having sex with every woman in town nonstop for the past two days. My God, if I tried to masturbate right now, you know what would come out? A little flag with the word "bang" on it.note 
  • Lois taking Brian out for a car ride.
    Brian: (Sees another dog in another car) Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Lois! Hey, hey! Other dog! FUCK YOU!
  • "Go ahead, mock me. But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me... IT WAS GOD!"

98. - Meet the Quagmires

  • After Brian's rendition of "Never Gonna Give You Up", it cuts to a shot of the audience, standing still and gaping. After a few seconds, we hear a random person say, "I didn't like any of that." It's just the way he says it that makes it so funny.

     Season Six 

99. - Blue Harvest

100. - Movin' Out (Brian's Song)

101. - Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air

  • Herbert at his stand singing "YMCA".

102. - Stewie Kills Lois

  • Peter listening to "Hello" by Lionel Richie and crying:
    "Oh god, Lionel you have been hurt. You have been hurt by somebody that much is clear. Who hurt you? (whispering and rocking back and forth) Who hurt you? Whohurtyouwhohurtyou?"
  • The judge has had enough of the Kool-Aid Man interrupting court proceedings:
    Judge: Okay. "Can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fuckin' Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showin' up! Thank you."

103. - Lois Kills Stewie

104. - Padre de Familia

  • Peter's reaction to finding out he's Mexican. Watch it here.
    Peter: *Laughs* Looks like I got myself in a bind, how will I get outta this one?
    Peter: *Sings* Cause we got Cleveland and Quagmire and Joe and Mort, AND ALL YOUR CARTOON PAAAAALLS!

105. - Peter's Daughter

  • "Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your coma's in a daughter."
  • The 'Over' scene where Brian and Stewie fix a house.
  • Please say over when you finish your post, over.
  • The Alien Queen talking with Bruce's voice might be the funniest Cutaway Gag in this episode.
  • The 72 "virgins"
  • Rides a ten speed everywhere guy.
    Trisha Takanawa: What kind of cancer?
    Ten Speed Guy: It's rectal cancer, it's slowly eating away at my lower insides, uh, it's quick process, both painful and un-treatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape.

106. - McStroke

107. - Back to the Woods

  • Brian showing Stewie 2girls1cup.
  • When Peter is being arrested for trespassing on James Woods's territory (who is posing as Peter), Joe tells him to strip:
    Joe: Take 'em off, right down to the poop sack. (awkward looks from Peter and James Woods) ...You don't all wear a poop sack? DAMMIT BONNIE, YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THE POOP SACK!!!
  • Peter steals James Woods' identity and gets revenge by ruining his career. He does so by announcing "his" new comedy, September 11th: Two Thousand FUN.
    Peter (posing as James Woods): "I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And whaddya think I see comin'? A plane. And I go, 'Come on!' I-it's real old style comedy, you know? It's like two pies in the face...and one in a field in Pennsylvania."

108. - Play It Again, Brian

  • Herbert reads to Chris a bedtime story, and whistles a Peter and the Wolf tune. After a short pause, Chris finally asks him: "Are you a pedophile?"
  • Peter watches BET's newest earth science program, "Damn, nature! You scary." (from 0:59)

109. - The Former Life of Brian

  • There's something strangely funny when Brian's potential date said that magic is sexy. But the real laughs came when Peter dresses up as Count Dracula with a big groin (Count Crotchula) for Halloween:
    Brian: Peter, that costume doesn't make any sense.
    Peter (defensively): Don't stifle my creativity!
  • "My pot! Your pot?"
  • Lois: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
    Peter: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shuttin' your vag.
    Lois: What?
    Peter: What?

110. - Long John Peter

  • "Anna took a dump on me!"
  • When Chris sees Anna for the first time, he imagines himself singing "Crazy for You", with Cleveland, Joe, Quagmire and Mort randomly popping up to provide background vocals.
  • Peter meets a parrot at the vet and steals it, then replaces it with a small dog and gives the dog a mustache and top hat.
  • When Peter introduces his friends to his new pet parrot "Adrian Beaky".
    Parrot: Pick a lane, bitch.
    Peter: Ha-ha, isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.
    Parrot: I have to pee. Where's that Snapple bottle?
    Peter: (laughs)
    Parrot: I had a gay experience at camp.
    Peter: (laughs nervously) We had the radio on and they were talkin' about some goofy stuff.
  • At one of Chris' dates, Peter sings a nonsensical rendition of "Land Down Under" ("Look at me with a brand new Hyundai!")
  • In order to have an excuse to see Anna at the vet, Chris injures Brian by whacking him with a chair.
    Brian: Is there any coffee brewing?

    Chris: Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling to well.
    Brian: (severely disfigured) Fuck. You.
    • This is followed by Brian collapsing onto the floor and Stewie kicking him in the gut.

     Season Seven 

111. - Love, Blactually

112. - I Dream Of Jesus

113. - Road to Germany

  • Stewie's European See 'n Say.
    See 'n Say: The cow says: "Shazoo!"
    Stewie: It most certainly does not!
    • Leading to a Brick Joke later, after the time machine.
    Brian: Where are we?
    Cow: Shazoo!
    Stewie: Looks like we're in Europe.

114. - Baby Not On Board

  • The part with the tropical birds. "My tropical bird collection, just in case." "Just in case WHAT? We're not gonna need a dozen tropical birds." "Oh, I was not aware that you could see the future, Lois. Can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number? Stupid woman."
  • When Peter and Quagmire call each other from their cars, then they think someone is in front of (or behind) them and do things to each other. So Peter and Quagmire pull over...and start beating each other up!

115. - The Man With Two Brians

  • The ending. You can see New Brian slowly pressing Stewie's Berserk Button hard enough to break the console. The cut to the aftermath is purely supplementary by the end of it.

116. - Tales of a Third Grade Nothing

  • Peter must repeat the third grade and, as such, must attend show and tell. One girl shows the class her Malibu Barbie doll.
    Peter: Oh, my god. Who the hell cares?

117. - Ocean's Three and a Half

118. - Family Gay

119. - The Juice Is Loose

120. - FOX-y Lady

121. - Not All Dogs Go To Heaven

122. - 420

  • Peter's list of celebrities he doesn't like. Apparently he really hates Chris Martin, to the point that he not only lists him twice, but goes on to list "Chris Martin's parents" and "Chris Martin's ancestors".

123. - Stew-Roids

124. - We Love You, Conrad

  • Lindsay Lohan taking a DUI rap for Mr. Magoo.
    It'll be my 3rd strike! I can't go to prison, they'll rape me! And I'll never see them coming, I won't.

125. - Three Kings

  • Peter's stab at Joaquin Phoenix.
    "Welcome back and Joaquin Phoenix if you're still watching, thanks for being a sport. You passed our test and you can be our friend."

A - Stand by Me

B - Misery

C - The Shawshank Redemption

  • Near the end:
    Peter (in letter): If you're reading this, you've gotten out. And if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to come a little further. You remember the name of the town, don't you?
    Cleveland: (Beat) CRAP!!

126. - Peter's Progress

     Season Eight 

127. - Road to the Multiverse

  • Disney-esque Family Guy. That is all.
  • Or for that matter, Family Guy Robot Chicken style:
    Stewie: "So, how does it feel to be on a major network for thirty seconds?"
    Chris: "Fuck you!"
    • Made all the funnier when you realize who voices who.
  • When Brian and Stewie are a real baby and a real dog.
  • Brian and Stewie arrive in a universe full of fire hydrants. Brian says he loves it, Stewie says he hates it. Then they arrive in a universe full of gay men, and they have the opposite opinion.
  • In the universe where dogs own humans, Stewie says under his breath that he hopes the next universe he and Brian go to is all Koreansnote .

128. - Family Goy

  • The sequence where Quagmire discovers internet porn. It was good for a twofer: first, there's the scene in the bar where you realize Quagmire, the pervert extraordinaire, has no idea that porn can be found on the internet, because he thought the internet was the same in the present as it was in the 90s. Then the scene later on where Peter sees him again after a long time...and he's got an absolutely massive left arm, making it canon that Quagmire is left-handed.
  • When Quagmire thought he was getting the spin-off.
    "See ya later, bitches! With your stupid fuckin' Giant Chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty — Hey, why's there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?"
  • Lois wakes up to find that Peter tied her to a crudely-made wooden cross, then notices that it's made out of the pieces of Stewie's crib. Cut to Stewie lying on the floor of his room with the leftover pieces around him.
    Stewie: I hate it here.
  • Peter fires at Lois with a sniper rifle and barely misses, then fires it at Mort. Mort doesn't mind because it's how people greet him, and Joe shoot at him from offscreen.

129. - Spies Reminiscent of Us

  • During the end credits, the trigger phrase that activated Mayor West's brainwashing also works on Meg. She talks to someone on the phone in Russian, to which the person on the other end tells her "Shut up, 2476."

130. - Brian's Got a Brand New Bag

131. - Hannah Banana

  • The prank war between Peter and Chris after their falling out, which includes the famous scene where Chris baits Peter with a hat on a table placed between two logs. When Peter tries to get the hat, Chris cuts the rope and the logs come loose and crush his head.
    Peter: (indifferent to his head having been crushed into a bloody mess) Who's laughing now? I got my hat.

132. - Quagmire's Baby

  • Peter's Palestinian alarm clock.
  • From the subplot:
    Clone!Brian: Hey, Brian! Knock-knock!
    Brian: Uh, who's there?
    Clone!Brian: (farts)
    ** Basically, ANYTHING that Clone Brian says.
  • Peter, Joe, and Quagmire go to a strip club to make Quagmire feel better about giving his daughter away. Quagmire leaves and Peter and Joe deal with a teacher stripper ... who really gets into her work.

133. - Jerome Is the New Black

  • The London Gentlemen's Club. Basically, imagine three guys just sitting around reading newspapers, communicating entirely in throat-clearing for about a full minute.
    • Also the fact that it gets progressively louder and then quieter.
  • Joe's parrot:
    Joe: Peter, don't ruin this like you ruined my parrot.
    (in cutaway)
    Joe: (showing Peter a parrot) I just got it today!
    Parrot: Cripple!
    Joe: Dammit!
    • Jerome's admission that he had "nasty-ass sex" with Meg. And the fact that Peter doesn't care.

134. - Dog Gone

135. - Business Guy

136. - Big Man on Hippocampus

  • Stewie's answers, while Lois is playing Fast Money round on Family Feud, especially his fourth answer.
    Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.
    Lois: A chair.
    Stewie: My own feces.
    Dawson: Name a popular fruit.
    Lois: Orange.
    Stewie: Clay Aiken.
    Dawson: Something in your closet.
    Lois: Shoes.
    Stewie: Scary monsters.
    Dawson: Your favorite holiday.
    Lois: Christmas.
    Stewie: 9/11.
    Dawson: Something you do on the weekends.
    Lois: Go to church.
    Stewie: Black guys.
  • "It may interest movie buffs that Peter O'Toole's name is a slang for penis".

137. - Dial Meg for Murder

  • The Take That! at "Not All Dogs Go To Heaven", especially the Goofy part. "Be careful Brian. Not all dogs go to heaven."
  • The scene where a breeding bull rapes Peter.
    "Bull:" Where you going, fatty? We're gonna have a party!

138. - Extra Large Medium

139. - Go, Stewie, Go!

  • When Meg enters and sees Lois seducing Meg's new boyfriend.
    Lois: Um...rape?
    ** Cue Seinfeld bass line.

140. - Peter-assment

141. - Brian Griffin's House of Payne

142. - April in Quahog

  • Peter does crystal meth twice, and so does Brian at the end.
    Peter: I am SO fucking ready! (jumps through Stewie's ceiling)
    Stewie: When you jumped through my ceiling you let in an owl. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw up half-digested mice.
  • Adam West making an angry letter to the black hole before donning a fishbowl helmet and jetpack, flying into space and punching the Orion constellation. It then turns into the Orion Pictures logo.
    Adam West: That's right! You're nothing but a failed production company!
  • Peter thinks the world is ending, so he decides to go to a black neighborhood and shout out the N-word. The next scene has Lois in the kitchen when Peter walks up with a crown, ermine cape, scepter, and a sash reading "King of the Black People".
    Peter: They respected me for it.

143. - Brian & Stewie

144. - Quagmire's Dad

  • Brian's 26-second long puking in "Quagmire's Dad".
    • Also noteworthy is Brian and Stewie's panicked, disgusting screaming immediately upon the discovery as to why he was puking. He did a transgender woman. Not just ANY transgender woman: Quagmire's dad.
  • The Getting Crap Past the Radar scene from the [adult swim]/probably DVD version of the beginning of that episode, in which multiple puns are made upon the fact that the french word for seal, "phoque," sounds a lot like a certain English profanity. Spoiler alert: "fuck." Watch it here.

145. - The Splendid Source

146. - Something, Something, Something, Dark Side

  • The Star Wars-esque intro credits referencing 20th Century Fox's money-making decisions:
    Are you listening, stockholders? How can you invest in a company that makes such short-sighted decisions? I mean, this is the same company that cancelled "Family Guy" twice. Who's running that joint? Monkeys? I mean, if they're gonna be that foolish with their money, then I guess that means we can be foolish with their money, too. Like spending a bunch of it to animate a computer-generated elephant that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode. (cue appearance of CGI elephant) Did you see that? Know what that cost? $58,000.
  • This scene featuring Luke's snowspeeder gunner, Dack.
    Dack: Feeling okay, sir?
    Luke (Chris): Just like new. How about you, Dack?
    Dack: I feel like I could take on the whole empire myself.
    Luke (Chris): Really? 'Cause that would be awesome. Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got this one!
    Dack: You know it, bitches! (flies off to face the incoming fleet of Star Destroyers) Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack! (gets shot down afterwards)

147. - Partial Terms of Endearment

     Season Nine 

148. - And There Were Fewer

149. - Excellence in Broadcasting

  • When Brian moves in with Rush Limbaugh, he has replaced several of Rush's belongings with new ones made in America. All of them break except for his new cat, which moos.

150. - Welcome Back, Carter

  • Limo jousting.
  • Carter addressing the people of France.
  • Babs's ex-boyfriend "Rodginald".
    Carter: Get away from my wife, you rascal!
    Rodginald: Such language in the presence of a lady! If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in twixt!
    Peter: Hang on Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. (to Rodginald) Penis.
    Rodginald: Aaaaaaaah! <Faints>

151. - Halloween on Spooner Street

  • Quagmire's reason for suddenly going kamikaze.
    Quagmire: That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches!
    Peter: You guys actually had sex?!
    Joe: Yeah, I kinda went rogue with that one.
  • The Bland Name Products in Stewie's Halloween candy.
    Stewie: Brian, you took me out on my first Halloween tonight, and you showed me an exciting time. And for that, I'm going to let you pick out some candy from my bag.
    Brian: Oh, thanks.
    Stewie: And keep in mind we can't use any brand names, due to advertising concerns.
    Brian: Right, okay, I'll have a Mr. Wiffle bar, a Kooky Nut Pop, some Gyminyms, uh a Zip-Zap, a Choco-Buddy, uh, a $64000 Bar, a Not-A-Finger, and a Dawkin's Peanut Butter Disk.
    Stewie: God, I hate television.

152. - Baby, You Knock Me Out

  • Peter: I need that money for bourbon and anime!
    Peter during cutaway: I don't understand any of this. Everyone in Japan is either a ten-year old girl or a monster!

153. - Brian Writes a Bestseller

154. - Road to the North Pole

  • Brian and Stewie failing their first Christmas delivery as Santa Claus.
    • The punchline makes everything better for others.
    Stewie: Oh my god, we're at the wrong house!
  • Stewie's lamentation when the Mall Santa left for the night...
    Stewie: That son of a bitch, he just turned his back on me! The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey!
    (Gilligan Cut to Gary Busey in his bathroom, looking at the mirror)
    Gary's "Reflection," a Monster Clown: (flashing double thumbs-up) YOU'RE DOIN' GREAT!
    Gary Busey: (also flashing double thumbs-up) GOOD! THEN I'LL KEEP IT UP!
  • Winnie the Pooh: Come on, Eeyore, let's go play!
    Eeyore: I don't wanna.
    Pooh: Why are you always so down?
    Eeyore: I have a nail in my anus.
    Pooh: Oh.
  • The over-the-top multi-car crash Stewie causes with the signal flare. Goes on for what seems like a full minute, ending with Brian swerving to avoid running into Stewie (who's standing in the street calmly brushing himself off), crashing into a snowbank, and taking an airbag to the face. When he asks Stewie what happened Stewie just mumbles in a bored voice "Eh, just some... stupid stuff went down..."

155. - New Kidney in Town

156. - And I'm Joyce Kinney

157. - Friends of Peter G.

158. - German Guy

159. - The Hand That Rocks the Wheelchair

  • Peter replacing Meg in a cutaway while wearing her clothes.
  • Patrick Stewart providing the voice of Susie Swanson's inner thoughts. Yes, really.
    ''This feels right but it tastes like a dirty penny."
  • Evil Stewie saying "oh no" three times to attract the Kool-Aid Man, whom he shatters with a bat.

160. - Trading Places

  • The "Carter destroys bench" scene.
    "You loved that bench!"
  • "I heard all of that, and I just want to say this family is fucking disintegrating."

161. - Tiegs for Two

162. - Brothers & Sisters

  • Peter's flashback to - since he didn't have a brother or sisternote  - having a "broster" in his past.
    Broster: Hey, Peter, wanna see my paginis?
    Peter: I, uh, I...I don't know.
  • Robert Loggia screaming "NOT OKAY!" after an AIDS joke. HUGE Big Lipped Alligator Moment.
    • The AIDS joke itself was much more clever then one would have expected from a show like this:
    Mayor West: Oh by the way I should tell you I've got aids.
    Carol: What!?
    Mayor West: yeah, they're right over there waiting for me!
    Aid: Ready to go when you are, sir!
    Mayor West: Poor guys, they both have AIDS.

163. - The Big Bang Theory

  • Stewie breaking the fourth wall by saying that a brightly-colored ad for The Cleveland Show can still appear out of nowhere.

164. - Foreign Affairs

  • Three words: Muppet-style sight seeing.
  • Pre-wheelchair Joe replacing Stan in the original American Dad! intro.
  • Calling the music video for David Bowie and Mick Jagger's "Dancing In the Street" gay, then playing the entirety of it. It catching a lot of flack for being pointless, but it definitely turns the video into total Narm.

165. - It's A Trap!

     Season Ten 

166. - Lottery Fever


167. - Seahorse Seashell Party

  • The Black Woman vs. The Italian Man nature documentary cutaway.
    Italian Man: Hey, you can't park there!
    Black Woman: Excuse me?
    Narrator: Sensing confrontation, the black woman prepares by removing all her rings. Meanwhile, the Italian man makes sure that all the other Italian men, can see what's happening. A flock of Jews, sensing danger, take flight and flee, as it is their best chance of survivalnote .
  • "I'm gonna cut my ear off to prevent World War II."

168. - Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q.

  • Even though the episode isn't very funny (not because of weak and lazy writing, but because the episode showed Domestic Abuse as a serious problem, and not the punchline to a dark joke), it still had some funny moments.
  • The Iraq Lobster.
  • Peter looking through the door's peephole and seeing Quagmire distorted in the glass with a sad face. When we see Quagmire, he face really was distorted like that from lack of sleep hearing the abuse going on in his house.
  • Porch-of-Geese
  • The cutaway of how hard it is getting a straight answer from a 23-year old girl.
  • Soliciting a rooster.
    Man: I don't know what this "cock-a-doodle-doo" thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in.
    Rooster: You're about to have a neat day.
  • Peter mistaking Gwyneth Paltrow for a sick golden retriever.
  • Brenda's childhood song to Quagmire predicting that he'll die of autoerotic asphyxiation — with Brian questioning, "This song is from childhood?"

169. - Stewie Goes for a Drive

  • Peter's Mexican fart.
    Mexican...ghost...thing that came out of Peter's ass: "CON CUIDADO, ES EL STIIIIINKO!" *fires guns into the air, causing everyone to run away screaming*
  • Stewie crashing Brian's car.

170. - Back to the Pilot

  • The dozens of alternate Brians and Stewies. That is all.
  • Present Brian and Stewie making the Kool-Aid Man late for his "oh no" arrival. Followed by him tripping and shattering.
  • Alternate Bush's "press statement" after the announcement that the South's leaving the Union again:
    Clip of Bush: Can anyone get me a clown's suitcase? I'd like to see what's inside it. (clip ends)
    Tom Tucker: Sorry, we seem to have the wrong clip. What's that? (touches earpiece) Really? That's it?
  • The future of Family Guy.
    Peter: Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. (Cut to Peter standing against a blank white background.) Matthew McConaughey is terrible.
  • "Pebble in my shoe, pebble in my shoe, pebble in my shoe."
  • Frogmire. That is all.
    Frogmire: Ribbity.
  • All the jokes about the older art style, and the bit about what cutaway gags actually look like from an outside perspective.
    Brian: That's odd. It's our house...but somehow it looks a little different.

171. - Thanksgiving

  • Mayor West tells a story to his grandchildren, then one of them interrupts. West declares him his favourite. He then tells the story to his great-grandchildren, one of whom interrupts. The kid gets burnt to cinders with lightning.
    Mayor West: Future old people are wizards.
  • "This food is so fucking good Lois." "Oh, okay. Wow."

172. - Amish Guy

  • Peter taking one bite out of a rice cake and reacting violently to it.
  • Peter trying to resist the urge of a delicious pie and warding off the cliched hand-like motion of the hot steam. So the steam tries to rape him! And it's making Quagmire watch!
  • Sitting behind a giraffe at a ball game.
  • Stewie's bad pun when the family winds up in Amish country. As well as Brian's reaction to it.
  • Peter trying to reason with Meg's Amish boyfriend's dad. Eventually the dad agrees to let them see each other, but then Peter breaks out a radio in order to teach them about rock and roll. The song on the radio that Peter sings along to at the top of his lungs? Highway to Hell.
  • The Vacation-style credits. Chris was churning that butter pretty hard.

173. - Cool Hand Peter

  • The girls dressing Brian in a bee suit.
    • Followed by Lois telling them to do Stewie, leading to this hilarious and badass line.
    Stewie: Alright, I guess this is the night bitches die.
    • He says this while spinning the barrel of a revolver.
  • When the Southern cop who spots some (obviously planted) drugs in the guys' trunk...
    Cleveland: Aw, come on! You planted that there!
    Peter: Oh my God! We had drugs? Why was I driving drunk when I could have been driving high?!?
  • The guys are in a Southern court. And The Simpsons cast is the jury!
    Quagmire: Well, at least it's a jury of our peers.
    Joe: I don't think they see it that way.

174. - Grumpy Old Man

  • How Every Pizza Place ruins a salad.
    Employee 1: OK, 4 pizzas and a salad.
    Employee 2: Salad? How do we make a salad?
    Employee 1: First, you put in the whole head of lettuce.
    Employee 2: Even the hard to eat white part?
    Employee 1: It's what the people want!
    Employee 2: I got a can of whole black olives, should I slice 'em up?
    Employee 1: Are you crazy? You gotta know you've got an olive in your mouth!
    Employee 2: What about this tomato?
    Employee 1: Slice it into thirds. It should be big enough to pretend you have red teeth.
    Employee 2: What about this carrot?
    Employee 1: Cut it once very thin lengthwise, the whole length of the carrot.
    Employee 2: I got some jalapeno peppers, but you can't really eat 'em.
    Employee 1: Just dump the whole jar in.
    Employee 2: Should we put it in a bowl?
    Employee 1: Nah, put it in a lasagna case.
    Employee 2: I'll take it.
    Employee 1: Be sure to put it right on top of the pizza to make it warm.
    (answers phone)
    Employee 1: Hello, Every Pizza Place.
  • Joe's Fiona Apple tribute video.
  • Peter beating an old man with cataracts to steal his bingo board.
  • Peter ripping off someone's face a la Scooby-Doo.

175. - Quagmire and Meg

  • "Lois. Griffin. Peter. Griffin. We. Heard. A loon."

176. - The Blind Side

177. - Livin' on a Prayer

178. - Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream

  • The moment Chris introduces his new girlfriend Lindsey and we see she looks exactly like Lois.
  • The flashback cutaway where Lois is informing Chris of Francis' death 5 seasons ago. Chris's response is to inexplicably turn into part dilophosaurus and blind Lois with his spit.

179. - Be Careful What You Fish For

180. - Burning Down the Bayit

181. - Killer Queen

  • Stewie is afraid of the robot on the cover of Queen's "News of the World"
    Stewie: God, why does he look SAD? He's already destroyed mankind, what else could he want?
    Brian: He didn't kill Queen. They're all fine. (pause) Most of them are fine.
    • Later on, after being scared by a wall-sized image of the album cover.
  • The fact that one of the kids at the fat camp is Barry should raise a chuckle, due to it being a funny cameo.
  • Mayor West pulling hot dogs from his mouth. His score in the contest is in the negatives!
  • Peter's Mundane Ghost Story ending with a take-out menu for... an all-vegan restaurant!

182. - Forget-Me-Not

  • Peter finding "Surfin' Bird" annoying.
  • "Who else but Shirtpants?"
  • Joe and Quagmire believe Peter to be responsible for destroying the world (aside from them and Brian) when they discover the poster that he had taken earlier after he won a game of laser tag.

183. - You Can't Do That On Television, Peter

184. - Mr. and Mrs. Stewie

185. - Leggo My Meg-O

186. - Tea Peter

187. - Family Guy Viewer Mail No. 2

A - Chap of the Manor

B - Fatman & Robin

C - Point of Stew

  • "I got a story. It's about The Little Penis That Could."

188. Internal Affairs

     Season Eleven 

189. - Into Fat Air

  • Peter choosing a donkey with sunglasses.
  • Brian pissing on top of Mount Everest, and the subsequent reaction from a random dog.
    Bloodhound: (sniffs air) Fuck, no way.
  • This exchange during the trip to the Fishman's:
    Peter: A cold car ride through a dark suburban night. Look out the window and think of death, kids. Its-a comin'...

190. - Ratings Guy

  • Peter's version of Mad Men.
  • The Self-Deprecation gag with Homer Simpson appearing. note 
    Homer: Guys, I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it!
    Peter: A-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.
  • The complaints from the mob that come after Peter when he ruins television:
    Quagmire: You put a real cougar on Cougar Town, and now that cougar's dead because Courtney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws!
    Seamus: You turned Anderson Cooper 360 into Anderson Cooper 720! He's turning around too much!
    Carter: You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system! Now it feels like they're not losing enough!
  • Before Peter can use the Nielsen boxes to fix everything, Mayor West destroys all of them with a shotgun. His reason? Peter added another tree to One Tree Hill.

191. - The Old Man and the Big 'C'

  • Carter saying that he's kept the cure for cancer a secret the year Who Let the Dogs Out? came out.
    Brian: You've had it since 1999?
    Stewie: You know when Who Let the Dogs Out? came out?
    Brian: It's a song about dogs and letting them out.
  • "Oh Carter, you devil!"

192. - Yug Ylimaf

  • Stewie's reverse diaper change.
    Stewie: Oh my God, it just went back in my body.
  • Reverse chicken fight and puke-a-thon.
  • Brian and taking a woman with him back to the Hindenburg disaster.
  • "And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, there's a dog having sex with a woman! I know I said 'Oh, the humanity' before, but seriously, oh the humanity even more! I mean, come on!"
  • Peter falling up the stairs after saying he hates these "new stairs".
  • The reverse bathtub gag where Cleveland's bathtub falls up.
  • The cutaway of Stewie forgetting what comes after G and having to fake it.
  • The reverse of time causing Lacey Chabert to be the voice of Meg instead of Mila Kunis.
  • "It's a girl!...with a penis and no vagina."
  • Stewie's anguished "OH BLOODY HELL!" as he is born a second time.

193. - Joe's Revenge

194. - Lois Comes Out of Her Shell

  • Stewie getting saved by Mario.
  • The horrified reactions of Meg, Chris and Brian hearing Lois and Peter banging in the basement.
    Brian: My hearing's better, so I'm hearing like, suction and stuff.

195. - Friends Without Benefits

196. - Jesus, Mary & Joseph

197. - Space Cadet

  • The Monty Python's Flying Circus-style opening.
  • In an Imagine Spot Chris, after Peter and Lois' deaths, turns them into singing trophies akin to a novelty animatronic bass and they sing "Hooked on a Feeling" with Lois doing the background vocals and Peter doing the main.
  • Chris' principal thinking his well-done picture of Bob Belcher from Bob's Burgers is yet another example of how poorly he's doing in school.
  • Chris being given money to appear on TV after modeling his hair and accent after Russell Brand's.
  • Peter's invention of the razor blade comb.
  • At the space camp Peter and Brian go into the sensory deprivation room. A scream is heard, then when they come out Peter's head is now on Brian's body and vice versa, Peter commenting "Things got crazy so fast!"
  • This exchange right after the family has dropped off Chris.
    Peter: No matter what, we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we saw on the way here.
    Lois: Peter, that was the University of Florida.
  • After the Griffins are launched into space.
    Meg: I don't wanna die!
    Lois: Oh, Meg! All those suicide threats, and you're just as chicken-shit as everyone else.
  • When Peter watches Breaking Bad, the TV hypnotizes him to incessantly talk about what a great show both it and The Wire are. Cuing a great joke later where he brings them up and Stewie says "Ugh, he never shuts up about those shows."
  • While they are blasting off into space, Brian, calling YOLO, sticks his head out the window, shouting that it's the best part of whatever makes this enjoyable.

198. - Brian's Play

  • The cutaway of Stewie as the human resources guy for The Muppets and firing Beaker because he's been taking supplies to make crystal meth and selling it to Big Bird, who at the end of the scene comes in with bald patches on his body from scratching his feathers off.
  • Peter eating his toast with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. He doesn't realize it's been replaced with real butter, and ends up getting sent to an insane asylum after murdering three children (whether the doctor meant Peter's own children wasn't clear).
  • During Stewie's "The Reason You Suck" Speech against Brian, he mentions that it took Peter a year to understand Stuart Little. He wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks that "Stuart" means "mouse". Lois tells him no and he goes back to sleep, then he guesses "Little" means "mouse". Lois tells him no again, and he tells himself "I feel so old and in the way."
  • Stewie's dodgeball pseudonym being "Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower".
  • Stewie poaching the lead of Brian's play to cast in the production of his play in New York. The lead tells Stewie he'll be right with him and he "just has to finish this crap" while in the middle of Brian's play.

199. - The Giggity Wife

200. - Valentine's Day in Quahog

201. - Chris Cross

  • Chris tries to help Meg put in contacts, when before he can her eyes roll backward leaving her blind.

202. - Call Girl

  • Lois talking with Bonnie.
    Lois: It's kind of a long story, you see...
    Robert Loggia: Eight fucking hours later!
  • Anime Peter.
  • The whole first five minutes of the episode: Peter decides to become a falconer, and adopts a falcon named Xerxes. Some examples here.
  • In a scene on the DVD version of the episode where Lois claims her job is doing voiceovers for 'obscure European commercials', Stewie says he should try getting back into working on TV, since he hasn't been on it due to swearing. Cut to the opening titles:
    Family (singing): Lucky there's a man who/positively can do/all the things that make us...
    Stewie (yelling): SUCK MY COCK, MOTHERFUCKER!

203. - Turban Cowboy

204. - 12 and a Half Angry Men

  • Peter accidentally dropping his phone in the toilet at a public restroom. You only hear his voice and some splashing behind a stall door and see his legs kneeling on the floor as he's struggling find it:
    Oh ow! it's so cold and it's under everything! Ugh! Feels like I'm rooting around a pitcher of sangria! Ugh, where is it? Oh god why haven't I found it yet?! Oh no, I didn't roll my sleeve up far enough! Oh, why didn't I flush when I got in here?! Augh! This isn't even all mine! Oh no, there's a spider crawling on my face!(slap) Ahh! Why didn't I use the hand that was on the floor?! WHY DID I USE MY TOILET HAND?!! Oh here it is behind the toilet.
  • When Bruce is reading the second jury vote.
    Bruce: Guilty...guilty...some hurtful slurs followed by the word guilty...
    Carter: Haha...
  • During Quagmire's demonstration of an orgy, Dr. Hartman is suspended from the ceiling in his underwear.
    • And then when Quagmire throws himself on top of the orgy demonstration and displays his own move called "The Butter Pat", he inexplicably melts over them all.
  • The revelation that Carl can't write.
    Quagmire: This paper just has a squiggly line on it.
    Carl: It's... uh... Latin for "Guilty".
    Carl (in his head): You're playing a dangerous game, Carl.
  • Stewie asking Brian why he's so proud about finding a man not guilty when the killer is still at large.
  • Once the jury finally agrees on a verdict:
    Peter: Hey, guys? I realized my jury duty's tomorrow.
  • We see that Peter likes to release his anger by taking a bath... with the rest of the family in there with him.
    Lois: Peter, how long do we have to sit here?
    Peter: (angrily) Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked bunch of bitches!

205. - Bigfat

  • The opening. Peter gets shot by his new neighbor, Stan Smith, but wakes to find it was a nightmare. At which point, Hank Hill walks in, and the whole thing is revealed to be one of his dreams.
    Hank: Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.
  • Feral!Peter, who's spent over 2 months living in the wilderness. His reaction to television is to hump it.
    Chris: He's doing what we're all thinking.
  • What finally snaps Peter back to normal;
    Peter: Shut up, Meg.

206. - Total Recall

207. - Save the Clam

  • Female batters.
    Peter: Alright, chick batter. Everyone bring it on in.
    Butch Lesbian: Get a hit, babe!
    Batter: You know it, babe.
    Peter: Alright, move it back, move it back.
    • Jerome has to adjust himself before batting. So he touches his foot.
  • When Horace dies, Dr. Hartman flips his eyes open because he already closed them when he died.
  • The film reel of drunk driving accidents the Drunken Clam has caused under Horace's ownership. These include Peter getting his car in a tree, Joe driving his wheelchair down a highway, and Quagmire flying a plane.

208. - Farmer Guy

  • The crime wave that hits Quahog:
    • A guy mugs Quagmire and questions why his wallet is white. Quagmire says that Truman Capote had a white wallet, and when the mugger doesn't know who Truman Capote is Quagmire admonishes him for it, and as the mugger runs away Quagmire tells him to use his library card to get educated.
    • A dolphin demands that his handler give him all of the fish, then says that he might balance a ball on her nose for once.
    • A baby is born with a gun and goes on a shooting.
  • A cutaway has Peter and Lois deciding to have sex in a restaurant bathroom. Peter goes in and comes out satisfied before it's revealed that Lois never left her seat; Peter had sex with Lois' Spear Counterpart who thought he was having sex with his wife, who is Peter's Distaff Counterpart.
  • Peter's immediate devolution into paranoia. "Welp, now that we're selling meth, I guess I'll have to turn into one of those guys who freaks out at imaginary noises!"
  • Brian revealing that he's going to Quahog Tech State Tech. Stewie's response is "'Tech' is in there twice?"
  • Brian's reaction when the family reveals they're going to a nice farm upstate (which, in this case, is an actual farm, not a euphemism for euthanizing Brian, as that phrase is often used to explain away the death of a pet) is comic gold.
  • Peter sends a carrier pigeon to get a payment from one of his clients. After the client gives the pigeon the money, it cuts to the pigeon having blowing it on a jet ski with "Round and Round" playing.
  • Stewie buying cough syrup for meth production from a very unconvinced pharmacist.
    Stewie: Uh, I have a cold... achoo...
  • When Peter catches Meg and Chris neglecting their chores in the kitchen, this exchange follows:
    Peter: Hey, I thought I told you kids to go plow in the field.
    Chris: But dad, we've been plowing all morning.
    Meg: Yeah, I can't take any more plowing. I can barely walk.
    Peter: Look, I know it seems like dirty work, but Chris, you've got to spread that seed until your sack is empty, and Meg, you've got to clear that brush so he can plant it deep where it needs to be.
    Chris: Okay, we'll keep at it, but I think that hoe is pretty much worn out.
    Peter: Well, flip it over, you can use both sides.
    (all three strike a "ta-da!" pose)
  • The meth lab exploding and destroying the whole house at the end.
    Stewie: There were a lot of rottweilers in that house.

209. - Roads to Vegas

  • The montage in where a magician pulls a magic trick on a white tiger in a cage which makes it switch places with Stewie. The tiger then gives Brian a high-five.
  • Brian takes a hit out on Quagmire's cat, then the hitman sends him a confirmation via text.
  • Right before the second commercial break, the scene shows the unlucky Stewie saying he has a bad feeling, the lucky Stewie he has a good feeling, and Peter about to attempt to get the honey out of a beehive.
  • The unlucky Brian and Stewie make a suicide pact and prepare to jump from their hotel window, but Stewie backs out at the last second and leaves Brian to fall to his death as Brian yells "You dick!"

210. - No Country Club for Old Men

  • Peter and Carter trying to get into the country club by posing as "Viscount James Earl Tennisraquet" and "Duke of LaCrosseteam".
  • Peter giving Lois a haircut.
    Peter: You look like garbage, what happened?

     Season Twelve 

211. - Finders Keepers

  • Peter's Jaw Drop when hearing about the treasure map.
  • Peter disgusting Meg with his bad breath while singing "Minnie the Moocher" in the car. When she bails the car, Peter gives her "mouth to nose" resuscitation.
  • Joe and Quagmire's argument about eating a Mounds bar.
  • When Lois quits the treasure hunt, Peter hires Tricia Takanawa to be the new Lois.
  • When Peter asks Lois to forgive him because Chris forgave him for giving him a black eye earlier, it goes to Chris rubbing an ice pack over his eye muttering "I can't wait until you fall asleep tonight."
  • Peter using his cutaway setups to transport himself.

212. - Vestigial Peter

  • Peter and Lois go to the mall and enter a Sears, which has now become a Mad Max-style wreckage.

213. - Quagmire's Quagmire

214. - A Fistful of Meg

  • What Meg did to provoke Mike into challenging her in the first place. In a Shout-Out to A Christmas Story, Meg trips, sending her spaghetti flying and tumbling back down onto herself and Mike's jacket. The same gag is also a possible callback to "Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story"'s reveal that Future!Meg is a female-to-male transgender.
    Meg: "Ooooooooohhhhhhhh, fuuuuuuuudddddddgggggggeeeeee!
    Jean Shepherd: "Only I didn't say fudge. I said *bleeeeeeeeep*."
  • Meg fears getting beaten up by Mike and says she can already imagine her funeral. It then cuts away to a casket lowering into a grave...and Peter tossing Meg's corpse into the grave.
  • During the flashback to Meg's birth, it's shown that Peter wrote on her birth certificate to change "Megan" to "Megatron".
  • When Neil tries to befriend Mike, he turns Neil into a balloon animal, sticks him to a locker then pops him with a knife.
  • Stewie imagining a menstrual cycle as a Dr. Seuss-style vehicle/musical instrument.
  • Peter going 6 months without bathing, causing him to turn into a sentient mass of food.
    Food!Peter: Hungry! Hungry! More food for my pile! (Lois pours food onto Peter) I will assimilate this new smell into the Borg of my other smells!
  • Quagmire and Meg appearing in the famous training scene from Punch-Out!!. Peter shows up behind him and declares "I'm in the video game too!"
  • Brian forcing his hairless body on Peter definitely counts as Nausea Fuel, but Chris and Lois' reactions deserve a mention: Chris claws his eyes out and Lois goes for a gun.
  • Meg kills Mike by lifting up her shirt, causing him to melt Ark of the Covenant style.

215. - Boopa-Dee Bappa-Dee

  • The whole family relocates to Italy. Among other things, Meg starts dating Mario. And Luigi.
  • Let's not forget the gondolier in the hotel bathroom.
  • When Lois says she wants to return to America, we get this exchange.
    Peter: "Go back? But I thought you loved Italian Peter! And Southern Italian Peter!"
    (a dark skinned Peter with a bushy black moustache walks in)
    Southern Italian Peter: "Olive Oyle!"
  • When the Griffins are trying to reclaim their American citizenship, which Peter renounced by changing their nationality on the networking site Shutupayofacebook, part of the test is singing the US national anthem. Everyone pulls it off, except Chris who sings the theme from The Bodyguard instead.
  • The Mafia appearing. Specifically, the long gag where they threaten to steal people's credit cards. "Sure, you can dispute the charges, but you have to call them, and it's always like they don't believe you."
  • Meg and Chris attending school in Italy. Their teacher's "lecture" only involves her shaking her gigantic breasts around while chanting, "Ratatatatatata!"
  • When Peter is trying to change channels on the hotel TV, it somehow affects Stewie instead, turning him into Bart Simpson, Bobby Hill, Rallo Tubbs, Steve Smith, Bender, Louise Belcher, Allen Gregory, and Manny Delgado.

216. - Life of Brian

  • Although no one (at the time it aired, at least) really got any laughs out of this one, there's a humorous moment when at the funeral Mayor West complains that nobody went to his funeral, then gets out of his chair and walks backwards fading away, revealing that he's a ghost.
  • Quagmire, known to hate Brian's guts, watching baseball at his funeral.
    Quagmire: Damn it Ortiz, stop swinging at junk!
  • The cutaway about Joe driving Grimace around town.
  • Joe getting hit by a black woman with a purse.
  • At the vet, Peter sits next to a decapitated chicken holding his head in his right arm. The chicken tells Peter not to talk to him because Peter has a bad reputation in the chicken community.
  • After Brian gets run over, a squirrel kicks him, spits on him and says "That guy sucked!".

217. - Into Harmony's Way

  • The Griffins watching Muppet Babies in where Kermit and Miss Piggy are looking at Kermit Jr., who is a frog-pig hybrid whose every waking moment is agony.
  • Quagmire getting followed home by an M-to-F transvestite, whose face is still very masculine and has a 5 o'clock shadow.
    • It's implied he still had sex with her as long as no one saw her come inside.
  • Mort's fall from fame as the manager of Earth, Wind & Fire (and Pollen): he reveals that he had an addiction during his manager days - olives, which actually turned him into a handsome, deep voiced guy at one point, which is treated by him like a drug addled rock star lamenting his lost good looks.
  • The lyrics of all of Peter and Quagmire's songs. Special mention goes to "Train on the Water, Boat on the Track" and Get Out of the Left Lane, You Stupid Asian B***.
  • When Peter feels bad about leaving the family behind, he imagines what Thanksgiving will be like without him to cut the turkey. Cut to Lois vacuuming the turkey not knowing what to do.
  • The Black Albino Choir.
  • Peter and Quagmire kissing.
  • Peter committing suicide in the ending, right after the family reunion was played as a typical positive sitcom moral.

218. - Christmas Guy

  • When Stewie is angered that the Christmas Carnival has been canceled, we see Lois and Peter inside conversing of how Carter now has blood on his hands while Stewie is outside talking down the Christmas lights from the house across the street, making out with and beheading a snowman and finally nuking the entire town.
  • After that, when Lois mentions that her father always hated Christmas, the scene cuts away to Carter coming down Santa's chimney on June 16th and touching all of Santa's stuff with his soot-covered hands.
  • Peter forcefeeding Carter eggnog, making him talk with his mouth full, covering him in it, and recording him. The entire scene is done in a very suggestive way.
  • Also the scene where Peter mentions that canceling the carnival is making people think Carter is Jewish. Carter is alerted by this and we get a Smash Cut to the carnival now open.
  • Stewie acknowledging him not aging when Lois says that it's his first Christmas and he replies "Again?"
    Lois: Chris, calm down. You're getting a nosebleed.

219. - Peter Problems

220. - Grimm Job

A - Jack and the Beanstalk

  • Jack and his wife gets into an argument about the magic beans.
    Jack: "I never even friggin heard of magic beans until you brought them up! If I get some, it's you that caused it!"
    • Jack hangs a lampshade on the Giants "fee fi fo fum" bit.
    Jack: "You know, it's odd that you would speak gibberish of your own choosing, and still not have it rhyme."
    Bruce: "And now we wait."

B - Little Red Riding Hood

  • The items in the basket Red Riding Hood's mom gives her to bring to grandmother's house.
    Stewie: Why is there a bag of ice in here? And... is this a Coors Party Ball?! Is grandma entertaining Florida jetski people?
  • Peter/The Woodsman randomly bursts in and violently bisects Brian/The Wolf with a chainsaw, then runs out again. Stewie then asks that he's not sure if The Woodsman is the hero of the story or some lunatic going house to house murdering people.
    • Considering that you then hear him break into the house next door and murder the occupants, it's probably the latter.

C - Cinderella

  • When Stewie asks Cinderella (Lois) how she made her dress so fast.
    Cinderella (Lois): Oh, you know. I have an eye for fashion and I'm pretty good with my hands.
    Mouse 1: Unbelievable!
    Mouse 2: Now I'm nervous about the screenplay we gave her.
    • Also, Cinderella recalling how the stepsisters pranked her by having King Midas go third-base on her.
  • "Oh God, we have so few female characters."
  • While dancing with Cinderella, Prince Charming declares that the next song will be their song. The theme tune for The Cleveland Show starts playing, and Cleveland as the conductor turns to give a thumbs up.

  • At the end of the episode, Peter says goodnight to Chris and closes his bedroom door, revealing Herbert hiding behind it.

221. - Brian's a Bad Father

  • When Brian gets fired from the show, he decides to take some of the table food for himself, eventually stuffing the entire table into his car.
  • The cutaway involving the MGM lion living his childhood dream of "sticking his head in a circle at the beginning of movies".
    Lion: What's up now, bitches!?
  • The return of Zac Sawyer.
  • The ending, in which Peter is now (even more) mentally retarded after Quagmire shot him in the head.
  • Brian trying to get into the studio, only to quickly realize that making a warning threat to a guard only makes you easy to read.
    Stewie: You know, when you say "for this", it really telegraphs what you're going to do.
  • Peter asking Lois what's the best way to slash one's wrists, and Meg (who's done this before) gives Peter helpful advice:
    Peter: Hey, Lois, if I was gonna kill myself, do I slit my wrists this way, or this way?
    Meg: (offscreen) Sideways for attention, long way for result.

222. - Mom's the Word

  • S.T. the Special Terrestrial.
  • Stewie trying to kill himself by dropping a toaster in the bathtub, only for the electricity to turn him into Toaster Man.
  • When Peter first meets Evelyn, he asks if she's Cocoon, and apologizes for not having any glowing rocks that makes you younger.
  • When Peter accidentally kills Evelyn by hugging her too hard.
  • Peter struggling to make it to the restroom with people trying to invite him to certain things. He then beats ups everyone while still walking to the restroom a la Airplane!
    Peter: Finally, now I can go to the-
    Peter: UH-OH!
    • Even better is the reason for his Potty Emergency: he ate a taco he found in the parking lot. In the end, he ends up having to wear his shirt as a pair of improvised pants home.
  • When Peter and Lois look through a book which has young Peter's footprints in it, the last pages shift from having normal human footprints to having giant three-toed reptilian clawed footprints.
  • When Peter brings Evelyn to the Clam, her behaviour towards Peter creeps Quagmire out, so he leaves. He is quickly followed by Joe, who gets up from his wheelchair and walks away.
    Joe: Well, God said I could walk just once. I was saving this for Suzie's wedding day, but...

223. - 3 Acts of God

  • Jerusalem is filled with clones of Mort, and Joe throws pennies to attract them like throwing crumbs to pigeons. Admit it, you chuckled.
  • Brian defending his atheism despite the fact that Peter met God by saying that Peter believes Mickey Mouse is somehow always there whenever he goes to Disney World.
  • The cutaway showing Peter setting up cutaways.
    Peter: Now, where are the gays?
    Gay Man: Over here.
    Peter: No, the really cartoony gays.
    Cartoony Gay Man: Yooooohooooo!
  • Peter making a cutaway that leads to a pedophile joke, then complaining to the Television Academy about them not winning an Emmy, saying that they would lave laughed at the joke had Modern Family done it.
  • Death explaining to Cleveland why he's there.
  • One of the stops on the gangs journey to find God is India.
    Peter: What better place to search for God than the most spiritual country on Earth!
    (The screen pans out, revealing the chaotic, filthy mess of an Indian city)
    Peter: God is not here.
  • Mario Williams' line:
    I would like to thank God and a jury of my peers, without whom I would not be playing today.
  • Chris going through the NFL Experience.
    I've got headaches. Oh well, at least I can donate my brain to science. (shoots self in chest)
  • The end where Meg fades into thin air after Peter requested God to erase her.

224. - Fresh Heir

  • When Peter fades out of existence after accidently tearing up his birth certificate.
    Peter: Oh god, there's no light! There's only fire!
  • When Peter bonds with a stranger and lets him in a car and plays "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", then Peter throws him out of the car.
  • When Carter and Chris make the pizza dude eat a plate of potatoes to get his tip.
  • The moral at the end.
    Peter: Yeah, and I guess I learned it's wrong to take your son to Vermont under false pretenses to try to marry him for his inheritance.
    Stewie: You should have known that.
  • The reason Lois was able to track down Peter so fast? Several people had called the police about a man marying his son.
  • The Woody Allen reference that closes off the episode.
    Peter: By the way, this is a reference to a Woody Allen movie. He also married one of his kids.

225. - Secondhand Spoke

  • Peter's reaction to the smokers support group.
    Peter: Lois, why does everyone here look like Emperor Palpatine?
  • When Peter tried to prove that he does smoke he put a cigarette in his ear, then his eye, then his balls.
  • Chris' bad insult to the bullies.
    Chris: You have a sister too!
  • One of the bullies tries to defend having a microphallus by saying that he can reset his cable box with it.
  • Peter being unable to go more than about 30 seconds without smoking once he's hooked.

226. - Herpe, The Love Sore

  • When Peter gets a package addressed to Quagmire, Lois tells him not to open it. Peter insists that there's an alternate universe where he doesn't open the box, and in that universe the alternate Lois suddenly shoots him in the head.
  • The coked-up giraffe.
  • Stewie and Chris humiliating Brian by hacking into his Facebook page to exploit the fact that he has herpes.
  • The show Bryan Cranston Sneezes. Which is essentially just Bryan Cranston sneezing, then being handed an Emmy. Bonus points: This was a live action clip, with the real Bryan Cranston.
  • The first person Stewie calls about herpes? Handy Manny.
    Stewie: Manny? Manny, I'm gonna have you take off speakerphone for this...
  • Peter playing around with the whip he stole from Quagmire's mail.
    Stewie: Hey Peter, thats a Cool Hwip! (Peter lashes him across the face with the whip) AHHH! I thought you couldn't understand me!!
  • Peter declaring how important his booth is to him and how every single important event in his life happened in that booth.
    Peter: This booth is my home. I was born in this booth. I was married in this booth. My children were all conceived in this booth. Hell, I witnessed every significant historical event in my lifetime right here! I was in this booth when the Challenger exploded.
    Flashback Peter: Oh my God, no!
    Peter: I was in this booth on 9/11.
    Flashback Peter: Oh my God, no!
    Peter: I was in this booth when President Obama was elected.
    Flashback Peter: Oh my God, no!

227. - The Most Interesting Man in the World

  • Stewie as a grandfather confused about Skype.
    Old Stewie: Please dont holler, I dont understand anything! I'm very frightened!
  • "Great, we woke up the doorbell."
  • Peter going cavejumping.
    Peter: "I told no one what I was doing today!"
  • Smart Peter utterly schooling Brian and exposing him as the pretentious faux-intellectual he is.
  • Peter replacing the TV with a bookshelf, and offers various books to replace popular tv shows, such as Frankenstein to The Walking Dead. When he brings up Game of Thrones he offers... Game of Thrones.
  • When the family gets sick of Smart Peter, they decide to reset him to his original personality by sending him to the dumbest city in the U.S.: Tucson, Arizona. To drive it home, it's filled with snaggletoothed idiots who gleefully punch each other in the nuts.
  • Dial Cross-Species Shampoo, for people who like showering with their dog.

228. - Baby Got Black

  • When Peter, Quagmire and Joe try to see who can go the longest without sleeping and they see hallucinations.
    • Peter says he's going to win because he used to pull all-nighters when he worked for a lesbian carpet cleaning company. It then cuts away to Peter cleaning a carpet.
    Peter: Lesbians have regular carpets too, ya pervs.
    Lesbian: (Off-screen) When you're done with that, can you help me plug the hole in this dyke?
    (Cut to Peter rubbing cement over a hole in a dam)
    Peter: I'm kind of a jack of all trades.
    Lesbian: (Off-screen) Hey, help me fix this gash.
    (Cut to Peter sewing a hole on a couch closed)
    Peter: Somebody's been having scissor fights on this thing.
  • When one of the lobsters at the restaurant makes a sexual innuendo about Jerome's daughter, Chris tells the waiter to give him that one for dinner.
  • Peter's "Thank the Whites" song, mostly the part with black people contributing to pop singers like Eminem and Justin Bieber.
  • Peter telling Chris about sex.
    Peter: It's AWESOME!

229. - Meg Stinks!

  • "Anal Roberts" university.
    • "It's hard to get into, but once you're in it's worth it."
  • Drunkee, the incredibly offensive Indian stereotype sports mascot.
  • The cutaway of Stewie being unable to sleep on Mardi Gras. When one drunk partygoer tell him to show his boobs, he unbuttons his pajama shirt and gets thrown two bead necklaces, then he decides to show his penis and gets jailed for indecent exposure.
    Stewie: The rules of this city are very unclear.
  • When Brian is blinded by the skunk he runs around the house and grabs Chris's leg, so Chris beats him with Stewie. Then the smell scares the roaches out of the wall and they form together into a giant hand to open the door and leave, but since they were 70% of the structure of the house the roof collapses on everyone.
    • When Lois asks if it's covered by their insurance, Peter replies that they don't cover acts of dog, then crawls over to a drum kit to do a rimshot.
  • Brian's nephew Scrappy Brian, who gets randomly eaten by a velociraptor.
  • When Peter gets his hand cut off by a bridge while driving, he grows a new one and his discarded hand grows into his Evil Twin Retep, who like Evil Stewie has the color of his shirt and pants inverted. He later appears and puts a rock on the lawn knowing Brian will run over it, then when Peter and Meg are flying away in the Megcopter Peter sees him murdering a woman.
  • Peter as a pediatrist.
    Meg: I thought you liked working at the toy factory.
    Peter: Hell no, I always wanted to be a pediatrist!
    (Cut away to Peter rubbing an old woman's feet)
    Old Woman: Thanks to you, Dr. Griffin, my bunion is healed and I can walk without pain.
    Peter: (Looking at the audience) This isn't a joke. I once had legitimate aspirations.
  • Peter's claim that all Bob Seger songs are actually about taking dumps. It's made clear by the titles Night Moves (Crapping in the middle of the night), Fire Inside (Presumably a Potty Emergency), Like a Rock (Constipation), and Against the Wind (Crapping out of a car window).
  • A spider luring a group of flies into its web with a sign reading "Free Aerosmith Tickets".
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger without an accent.
  • Meg getting her body covered in piercings, which attract all of the magnets in a gift shop except for one which clings to a piercing Peter got on his penis.
    Peter: I got one too!
  • When Brian gives a speech to Stewie explaining why he's staying outdoors, he immediately teleports back in the house in-between thunderstrikes when it starts to storm. It's then revealed that Mayor West was watching them on a crystal ball.

230. - He's Bla-ack!

  • Peter, Joe, and Quagmire ragging on Cleveland about how crappy his show was.
  • Peter and Cleveland switching skin colors to avoid being seen by Donna.
  • The "Roof Baby" segment, as seen here.
  • Peter putting on the silent headphones and then hears a voice in his head screaming that he does not want to kill the people on the plane with Peter panicking.
  • Peter marrying a band member that was staring at him.
  • When Peter and Joe pretend to arrest Cleveland.
  • When Lois tells Peter to stay away from "that Brown family", Stewie notes that what she said had more racist implications than intended.
  • The flashback montage showing all the good times Peter and Cleveland had, some examples when he meet him in the 80s, sang karaoke and Peter pulling Cleveland's pants down.
  • Cleveland walking in the middle of the theme song to switch places with Mort:
    (Mort trips)
    Peter: Are you alright?
    Mort: Why do you care?!

231. - Chap Stewie

  • Lois trying to calm Stewie during his tantrum.
    Lois: There-there, sweetie. (Stewie bites her finger) AAAHH! SCREW YOU, YOU LITTLE TURD!!!
    • Even funnier, Meg trying to give Stewie a hug.
      Meg: Aww, you wanna hug from your big sister? (Stewie headbutts her nose, breaking it) OW!
  • Chris and Stewie opening a lemonade stand only for the lemonade to somehow gain sentience, run away and stuff Chris into the pitcher.
  • Peter wishing that Meg be crushed by a meteor, then a Snickers bar coming out from inside the meteor.
  • British Stewie being crushed by a stage light and regular Stewie doing nothing to help him, making this the second time Stewie has been indifferent toward himself from an alternate timeline.
  • The various interchangeable Downton Abbey parodies that Stewie likes.
  • When Stewie shaves Peter's hair in his sleep, Lois says he looks like a movie star. The next day, he's approached for an autograph on the street.
    Peter: They think I'm Bruce Willis.
    Passersby: That was the monster from The Goonies!
  • British Stewie's father.
    British Dad: This is our one superflous employee who I am not having a homosexual affair with.
    Servant: Sir, we have a meeting in the broom shed.
    (British Dad hands Stewie over to his mother) This is our last physical contact until I give you a firm handshake on your 18th birthday, son.
  • The only toy in Stewie's crib being an 18th century flintlock dueling pistol.
  • Stewie stealing plutonium from the research centre at Cambridge by carrying around a cup of tea and politely greeting the guards, making him utterly unremarkable to them.

     Season Thirteen 

232. - The Simpsons Guy

  • Peter's brief career as a newspaper cartoonist, which consists mostly of amateurish scribbles paired with ancient jokes. It is a massive success, until he draws a sexist cartoon about women and dishwashers, at which point the Griffins are forced into exile.
    Peter: Jeez, its not like the Internet to lose its mind over nothing.
  • The Griffins' car being stolen just outside Springfield, with most of the episode consisting of Homer and Peter trying to find it. It eventually turns out that Hans Moleman stole it by accident.
    Hans: Oh dear, I was using this car as pants!
    • Just after getting the car back, Peter gets run over by Abe Simpson.
    Abe: I'm old, so I'm the victim!
  • Stewie's unsettling attempt at doing a prank call to Moe's Tavern.
    Stewie: Hey Moe? Your sister's being raped! (hangs up the phone and turns to a shocked Bart) Was that it? Was that one?
  • Marge forcing Brian to eat in the kitchen with Santa's Little Helper.
  • Peter referring to Apu as "funny-sounding Cleveland".
  • Peter telling Homer that to find the car, they have to think like a car. Cut to the two outside a gas station forcing themselves to drink $40 worth of gasoline.
  • When the Kool-Aid Man is expected to show up, it turns out he was in the wrong Springfield.

233. - The Book of Joe

  • Cleveland cleaning a pair of paintbrushes in Joe's pool.
  • Joe publishing his children's book under the name Steve Chicago because he doesn't want the guys at the station to know he wrote it, due to them panning his mime act.
  • "That's right, the sun's a black guy."
  • When Brian becomes unhealthily thin from a combination of overexerting his body with constant exercise and starving himself, Stewie remarks that his whole body looks like Paul McCartney's neck.
  • Peter's insane sequel to The Hopeful Squirrel.
  • "Brian, why does everything you touch turn to garbage?"

234. - Baking Bad

  • Peter smashing the annoying woman who comes in and samples cookies all the time and claims "she's so bad" over the head with a metal tray.
    Lois: That was the right thing to do, Peter.
  • Peter gradually turning the cookie store into a strip club that gives out free cookies. All of the girls also have cookie themed names.
    Peter: Lois, meet Cookie, Sugar, Spice, Cinnamon, Brown Sugar, and Butter.
    Cleveland: Oh hey, Butter.
    Peter: Some guys like Butter.
  • Stewie getting drunk off cough syrup to the point where Brian stages an intervention with all his stuffed animals.
    Stewie: (drunkly pointing to all his stuffed animals): Mr. Giraffe, who lets little boys grind on his rump. Or Mr. Octopus, who, who lets little boys grind on his rump. [etc]
  • The Cookie Monster being the head of the bank.

235. - Brian the Closer

  • Cleveland finding a human head in a freezer...then getting distracted by sherbet.
  • Peter opening the blinds to see if there's an ocean view, only to reveal the old man living in the apartment across the alley standing in his window.
    Old Man: The harbor is poison! (Peter shuts the blinds quickly)
  • Joe's first impression of Quagmire's new apartment
  • Part of the pitch video Brian shows Quagmire describes the apartment as "something a Persian guy would call a little too much".

236. - Turkey Guys

  • Peter and Brian finding a Train song on the radio. After a few seconds of denial...
Peter: Brian, I love Train.
Brian: I fucking love Train!
  • The live turkey Peter brings to Thanksgiving dinner. At first it looks like they're going to play a stock Aesop about Thanksgiving when he doesn't want to kill it, until Chris stumbles in drunk and shoots it before passing out.

237. - The 2000-Year-Old Virgin

238. - Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure

  • "You're watching Amazon Prime, the network that brought you your sunscreen in two days."
  • Young!Peter failing homeroom by saying "There" during roll call.
  • Peter tries to get Chris to study by nailing the door shut, but he left his phone in Chris' room and Lois is sending dirty pictures of herself to it.
  • Chris, thinking he's dreaming, cuts off his arm because he thinks there's no consequences, so Stewie and Brian travel back six minutes to try it again.
  • After the time machine heads through time, Rupert tells the rest of Stewie's stuffed animals he's straight.
  • Brian causes Ernest Hemingway to shoot himself in 1920 Paris.
  • The gang stops in 1798 to release farts, which helps Jane Austen write Pride and Prejudice.
  • Brian heads to steerage to look for Chris, then finds out that everyone, even the baby, looks and sounds like Peter.
  • Stewie gets the string quartet on the Titanic to play "Danger Zone".
  • The disclaimer at the end of the episode states all the historical facts were checked by Wikipedia and to learn more about history, go to Yahoo! Answers.

239. - Our Idiot Brian

  • Brian hanging a nice lampshade on Stewie tricking him into getting his brain tumor removed.
  • Peter telling Brian theyre gonna party like its the Roaring 20's, and the following cutaway.
    Man: (singing while doing the Charleston): No TV, movies suck, I'm here with my gal, shake your hands, kick around, wear a suit to breakfast! Underwear that laces up, all girls have a guy's haircut, crank your car to make it start, you will die of measles!
  • Brian in the hospital:
    Brian Being in this hospital bed-I feel like the main character of As I Lay Dying as he or she lay dying!
    Stewie Oh, that's just the amount of superficial quasi-knowledge the old Brian had.
  • The entire montage of Peter and Brian doing crazy things set to "Cotton-Eyed Joe".
  • At the end of the episode Peter gets an operation to give him a second penis, but his original penis promptly falls off.

240. - This Little Piggy

  • The cutaway of Brian and Stewie on Let's Make a Deal.
  • "Somehow my foot got pregnant while watching Tower Heist."
  • The giant pile of corpses of people who have O.D'd at the music festival.
  • Stewie taking the bra of the girl he and Brian were going to have a threesome with after she overdoses because she owed him 40 dollars, then tells Brian he's going to trade it for Gatorade.
  • Stewie trying to find a comfortable position on the ground but he eventually gives up and stands.

241. - Quagmire's Mom

  • The episode's first cutaway, in which Peter takes Meg on a "field trip" (attempting to abandon her in a field), only to receive comeuppance for it.
    Peter: Okay here's the field, goodbye forever! (Peter runs into his car and drives right into a tree) AAUGHH! MEG, I'M INJURED! PLEASE HELP ME! I SMELL GAS! (Car bursts into flames) MEG, I'M STILL ALIVE, BUT I'M BADLY BURNED! COME SAVE MY LIFE AND NURSE ME BACK TO HEALTH! OH GOD, WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?!
  • Peter's karaoke phase cutaway, which is Peter waiting for the lyrics of "Baba O'Riley" to start.
  • Peter in an ad parody for The General car insurance.
  • Chris complaining that they haven't shown the girl Quagmire was accused of raping during his trial.
  • "Did you hear about you ex-husband yet? He had a, uh, procedure."
  • The Quagmire/Peter watch scene:
    Quagmire: Peter, I want you to take care of my antique gold Rolex watch.
    Peter: Aw, cool! A throwing watch!
    Quagmire: No, Peter..and I cannot emphasize this enough-this is not a throwing watch.
    Peter Oh, I get ya.
    (Quagmire hands Peter the watch; Peter tosses it into the distance.)
    Peter It didn't come back like you said it would.
  • Joe coming to arrest Quagmire for sleeping with the underage girl, only to be interrupted by the Facebook update Quagmire posted about it.
    Joe: Hah, score! *turns back to Quagmire* You're disgusting!
  • Kid!Quagmire learned his ABCs by memorizing the names of all the guys his mom slept with in alphabetical order.

242. - Encyclopedia Griffin

  • The license plate on Stewie's tricycle reads "UB40 FAN".
  • The zoom-in on Chris' sex doll Heather in his closet similar to that of the evil monkey.
  • The cutaway of Peter teaching old Asians to board a subway train.
  • Joe's voicemail message.
  • Peter playing the clarinet through his butt with a mask of Kenny G's face on it.
    Peter: I wonder if Cleveland's gonna want his sax back.
  • Chris with Hamster Dance Tourette's Syndrome.
  • "If it's the shot from Psycho where you can see Anne Heche's bunghole, I've already seen it."

243. - Stewie Is Enciente

  • Tom Tucker trying to read a news story while yawning.
  • The cutaway of Stewie robbing the Joseph A. Bank... by simply buying three suits for $99.
  • Stewie throws preschool applications into his artificial insemination machine.
  • In the subplot, the guys plan a viral video. Joe suggests him doing impressions, but they're all his voice.
  • "That's odd. Your vagina seems to have a penis and two testicles."
  • After Stewie finishes giving birth in Brian's car, Mayor Adam West looks in one of the car's windows.
    Adam: Mazel tov!
  • After Cleveland tells Peter Stewie was pregnant, Peter says he didn't notice because Lois is in charge of the kids.
  • The frog/chimp gangrape scene, in a Black Comedy way.

244. - Dr. C & The Women

  • The ad for Outback Steakhouse Extreme, which serves larger portions than Outback Steakhouse.
    Announcer: PUNISH! YOUR! TOILET!
  • A blind man calls Meg gross.
  • After Cleveland diagnoses Mayor Adam West as a sociopath:
    Adam: Let me tell you something. (grabs Cleveland by the shirt collar) You're absolutely fucking right. (lets go) Time to put on my spaghetti hat! (puts on a strainer filled with spaghetti, then leaves)
    • Later on, he tells Cleveland he killed nine people... and he has ducks on his feet.
  • Dirty Amelia Bedelia.
  • Lois watching the clothes spin around in the dryer.
    Lois: If the green shirt goes around 30 times in five minutes, you get to have a Diet Coke!
  • After Donna calls Lois, a pop-up video bubble appears on screen reading "Donna is Cleveland's wife."

245. - #JOLO

  • The cutaway of the Griffins getting excited over the McRib coming back.
    Peter: This is what we practiced for!
  • After Peter climbs up a billboard, Cleveland, Joe and Quagmire moisturize their hands.
  • At salsa band practice, Peter wonders what's in his maracas, which leads to him thinking about killing his and Joe's babies.
  • Mayor Adam West hands Peter the key to the city, then leaves him in charge while he goes on a two-week vacation.
  • "I never stop to think. That's why I've had ringworm 11 times. I will roll in anything."
  • After Joe quits his job and leaves Bonnie, he fires a bullet in the air. The bullet then calls his mom.
  • Humpty Dumpty after his fall.
    Humpty Dumpty: Well, that's the last time I drink and masturbate on top of a high wall.
    Doctor: Maybe next time go straight to a medical professional instead of all the king's horses and all the king's illiterate servants.
  • Joe tries to tip a cow, but he gets pushed back.
  • The sign on Niagara Falls: "As seen on that spray starch can".
  • Peter and Lois accidentally wearing each other's pants.
    Lois: Thank you, Jazzercize!
  • Peter imagining his funeral, including two fat hula dancers on either side of his coffin, three monkeys singing "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer", and each mourner eating a soft pretzel.
    Lois: I dont know why your father wanted this, but we're honoring his request.
  • Joe tries to kill himself twice by rolling off the Niagara Falls, but gets stuck on the same branch every time.
  • Joe's plan for getting Bonnie back at the end of the episode, he had hired a few guys to do a home invasion on a Tuesday, so he could show up and be the hero.
    Joe: She'll be so grateful she'll have to take me back.
    Peter: Joe. Today's Tuesday.
    Joe: (looking at his watch) Well, poop.

246. - Once Bitten

  • The clip from Yet Another Indiana Jones Movie: "Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads?"
  • The Warsaw Globetrotters killing the jaunty tune Sweet Georgia Brown with their deadpan singing and depressing lyrics.
  • To practice for giving dog suppositories to Brian, Peter watches an episode of Lassie where Timmy does just that.
  • Morgan Fairchild farting into a hole that leads to Tom Sizemore's air conditioning unit.
  • The cutaway of Peter being stuffed in a jack-in-the-box and crushing a child.
  • Brian's A Clockwork Orange-style torture of watching clips of things that scare dogs, such as an old lady vacuumimg and a live-action photo of Michael Vick.
  • Neil holds up a picture of Sean Penn dressed similar to Mort.
  • Peter wearing a bow tie to piss off Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire.
  • The "Let's All Go to the Lobby" ad, updated as a PSA against theater shootings.
  • After Cleveland saw Halloween II, Peter tells Brian to search for Michael Myers.
    Cleveland: If it seems like he dead, he ain't dead!
  • A couple who lives a few blocks away from the Griffins commenting on the show and telling the audience at home about them.

247. - Roasted Guy

  • "Two chair jokes in the same monologue. Sloppy."
  • The premature volcano.
  • Peter gets confused for two lesbian baristas that look like him.
  • A panda hiding in a pile of black and white pillows because he doesn't want to have a baby.
  • Peter getting a mammogram.
    Peter: If I have cancer, we're all going to Brazil.
  • Peter and Lois confused about Battlestar Galactica.
  • The montage of Peter practicing for the women's U.S. Olympic Diving trials.
  • How Peter ruins a wedding: He bribes a busboy to stab the groom.
  • Peter apologizing to Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland for breaking off their friendship, only to learn that Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland forgot all about Peter being upset over the roast and they assumed he just left town for a week.
  • The show ends with Peter saying that men are better than women, followed by a list of the show's staff, split into gender. There's only one woman and every other name is a man.

248. - Fighting Irish

  • Peter throwing furniture into a giant Dumpster.
    Stewie: Hey, I'm still in here!
  • "Hmm, I guess I could get the mail at night."
  • The parade of all the women Quagmire has slept with by country, and the Griffins leaving when they see the women of Thailand, who are all underaged girls.
  • Quagmire's 1,000th sexual conquest (which he does onstage in front of the whole street)? A largemouth bass, which causes one woman and five children to leave.
  • "We're here to see Liam Neeson, the guy who wears the same long jacket in his movies."
  • Peter, dressed as Mrs. Potato Head, getting hit on and raped by Colin Farrell.
    Peter: The back is all mashed potatoes now.
  • The cutaway of a woodchuck telling his parents that he wants to be a doctor, only to have his dreams shot down when his father says, "How much disease could a woodchuck doctor cure if a woodchuck could cure disease?"
  • What causes the fight between Liam and Peter: Peter says his storyline in Love Actually was the second-worst.
  • Liam's requests when Peter's his work slave start off fairly normal, doing things like subbing for him on jury duty and taking over his Twitter feed. Then he asks Peter to go to a local gym's shower room and ask other men to pee in his hands, because he saw a remote-controlled car and that excited him. And this gets revisited right before the big fight:
    Liam: Peter, I'm all out of crackers, and I'm gluten-free. So what I need you to do is, go down to the local gym, and ask strange men to pee on you.
    Cleveland: What the hell?!

249. - Take My Wife

  • The episode starts with Peter winning a poker game with a full house consisting of three jokers and two instruction cards.
  • Barbara Pewterschmidt not coming over because she was cast in a rap video as the stuffy old white woman who initially complains about the rapper and his entourage ruining her garden party, but eventually gets used to it.
  • Because an epic battle between owls and hornets would cost too much to animate, they decide to show stock footage of an old plane failing to take off instead.
  • Peter pushing a potted palm tree into a swimming pool.
    Peter: (to the lifeguard) I'm here a whole week, pal.
  • Checking out Hot or Not pictures, Brian rates a woman a 10 and a man 1. Stewie rates the woman a 1 and the man a 10. Then a picture of Carey Mulligan appears and both rate her a 5.
  • "I'd thought we'd all go down to the swimming hole and swim in a hole."
  • Peter's disgusted reaction when he learns that Adolf Hitler's birthday was on April 20th (and that Lois shares a birthday with him).
  • Quagmire thinking Kimi's eye color is shaved.
  • After finding out that all the couples are incompatible (and that includes a girl Quagmire brought along), the men clap.
  • Peter shouting, "Yay! I win couples' counseling!" after the counselor pairs him with Kimi (Quagmire's girlfriend for the episode).
  • Stewie admiring the shine from Carter's bare legs.
  • Carter, Brian, and the kids playing "flour-facing" (throwing flour in people's faces when they answer the door. Carter did it when he was young as a way to keep Italian-Americans from voting).
  • The cutaway of Peter bringing museum behavior into his house, which includes making the floors marble, dressing like a museum security guard, and forbidding Lois from touching the TV remote.
  • The cutaway of Stewie playing with Bublé wrap (bubble wrap that sounds like Michael Bublé when you pop a bubble), which starts out fun when he plays "I Just Haven't Met You Yet," but the more Stewie plays with it, the more it brags about making older women horny with his singing, with Stewie commenting, "This is a very skeevy packing product."
  • Cleveland worrying about dying at the hands of the Bahamian revolutionaries because that means his mail and DVR recordings of Ellen DeGeneres's talk show will pile up.
  • The one thing that snaps Chris, Meg, Stewie, and Brian out of enjoying life without TV and electronics: "We now return to Police Chases...That End In Fire."
    Stewie: "Holy shit, that's awesome!"

     Season Fourteen 

250. - Pilling Them Softly

  • Stewie bothering a preschool student during naptime.
  • Peter yelling advice during a NASCAR race.
    Peter: Go in a circle! Go in a circle! Go in a circle! Advertise stuff- GO IN A CIRCLE!!!
  • After the producer of a Channel 5 cooking show awkwardly tries to shake hands with Peter and Quagmire, Peter doesn't know what to do next, so he hugs the producer.
  • Peter tries to do the Cinnamon Challenge while Quagmire rambles on about mince pie.
  • "Hey, guess why they call me a box turtle."
  • Junior Chef Peter's helpful tips.
  • Peter gets fired from Quagmire's show by Mr. Spacely.
  • Stewie looking at all the water in the dehumidifier.
  • The cook-off training montage, but mostly Peter during random things to Cleveland's rear end.
  • "Yesterday, I watch Chris shower for half an hour because I thought it was the TV. He, uh, just lies on his back in there."
  • The winning dish in the cook-off: A warm packet of tartar sauce brought in from somewhere else.
    Joe: "When are you gonna use that?" Bonnie said.
  • As Peter apologizes to Quagmire, he has various heart attacks and strokes at the same time after eating a giant amount of butter.
  • Peter and Quagmire get themselves fired the same way Paula Deen did, by saying the one word you can't say on TV...
    (cut to everyone at the Clam)
    Cleveland: You could have just quit the show. (end of episode)

251. - Papa Has A Rollin' Son

  • The Autistic Postman Always Rings 400 Times. All we hear is a doorbell ringing over and over.
  • Glen clothes shopping with his father.
  • Peter as a break-up rodeo clown.
    Peter: Oh, now that I'm inside the barrel, he gave you and your sister HPV.
  • Rudolph the Uncircumsized Reindeer.
  • Peter crying like Snoopy.
  • A Boston fortune cookie.
    Peter: "I dont know numbnuts, maybe take a garage and fill it with hockey equipment?" Okay, lets see what my lucky numbers are. "Screw you, math dick". Well, that wasn't helpful at all!
  • In the subplot, Stewie discovers Tom Cruise in a kids' clothing score because that's where he buys his clothes.
  • The guys try to hang Joe over a horse. It doesn't work.
    • At the end, we see the horse wearing a pair of pants. Guess who notices.
    Adam West: Excuse me, young man, are those Bugle Boy jeans?
  • "I read the chart wrong. Apparently, I have something called... 'dislucksia'?"
  • Meg's the only one to show up at her birthday party at a restaurant. She asks for bread while unwrapping her gifts and gets charged for it.
  • After Joe says his father having more fun with Peter than with him "hurts like the Dickens", we cut to Charles Dickens nipple-twisting his publisher.
  • Stewie being the "Does Karate In the Gym Mirror Guy".
  • Joe reveals himself to his (handicapped-hating) dad by taking off Peter's glasses, suprising Dad and Peter.
  • Lois and the kids trying to get Joe into their car, and not succeeding.
    Lois: He's not fitting. Put some of him in the back like skis.

252. - Guy Robot

  • "Well, that's enough HBO we can see before they air something homosexual."
  • Lois' Facebook page has no likes to any of her posts, she likes one of her posts just to get it started.
  • A drunk Peter admits they stole a lot of things from The Simpsons.
  • During open mic night at the comedy club, Carl (H. Jon Benjamin) does an impression of Bob Belcher, Archer, and both Bob and Archer meeting.
  • A man gets a jetski license by saying we has been in a fistfight.
  • Stewie as Vin Diesel's acting coach.
  • At a mattress store, Lois buys a mattress on Amazon, which gets delivered by drone.
    Lois: Quick, Peter, we gotta get to the house before the drone!
    Peter: Regular stores suck!
  • Stewie's robot Lyle apparently played "Gloria" by Laura Branigan during the first commercial break.
    • Followed by a robot Lyle made, Ted R., playing Ricky Martin to start the second commercial break.
  • Peter smashes the living room because he wants to watch Laverne and Shirley.
  • A newspaper headline reads "Six Flags Run By Kids In Trench Coats".
  • The cutaway of Peter finding a kidnapped Meg... just to ask for his grocery club card.
  • Peter is admitted into an 1950s insane asylum because he's with a negro (Cleveland) and a cripple (Joe). Cleveland is admitted for standing up to the doctor and Joe is euthanized. Quagmire asks the doctor if they have any braindead female patients they let people have sex with for a few bucks. They do.
  • "Yeah, I want to do you where the porn lunch was."
  • How Stewie's robots and friends are killed: Brian sprayed them with a garden hose.
  • At the end, we see, out on the curb, the robots (all about the same size as Stewie) on top of Lois and Peter's old mattress.
    Herbert: (looking at it) How is this not a trap?

253. - Peternormal Activity

  • The episode starts with the boys at a theater showing Maniac Pope 2: Thou Shalt Not Live, a horror movie where the Pope is a serial killer.
  • After Stewie mentions "people who take dumps in the shower", we cut to Meg in the shower, who denies anything they say about her.
  • "Remember that movie The Blob? What if the blob?"
  • The alternate ending to An Affair to Remember where the female lead calls the male lead to say what happened.
  • One joke was apparently submitted by a nine-year-old boy.
    Announcer: And we'll pass along your gross request to Mila Kunis.
  • After accidentally killing the caretaker of an abandoned insane asylum, Peter says he should get a McFlurry for it.
    • They also bury his car for good measure.
    • At the end, both his hook hand and a car door pop out of the grave.
  • Peter hearing the plot of this episode as a John Mellencamp song used in a truck commercial on the radio.

254. - "Peter, Chris, & Brian":

  • The Fat Guy and Fish & Chips cutaway.
    Fish & Chips: (singing) Fat guys think we're a diet food!
  • Peter playing Pai Gow... and what follows after.
  • "Hey, Brian, you wanna go for a ride to behind the Kroger's?"
  • Teenage!Peter plays Conway Twitty on the tape to himself in the future.
  • "He's just rhyming 'Danger Zone' with 'Danger Zone'!"
  • Chris asks the toaster what "success" means.
    Peter: Hey, Chris, let me know when you're done with the computer.
  • Chris tries to shake his head to get a nosebleed.
  • Peter and Chris high-stepping around wearing giant hats.
  • Brian happy to find Chris with his head in the oven, wearing a Spider-Man outfit.
  • Peter's "Walk Like an Egyptian" phase. We see him doing it as he gets teary-eyed making a funeral speech.
  • The foreign movie Peter watches, Le Rocque Trois. It turns out to be Rocky III dubbed in French.
  • Moses says there's an eleventh commandment: He gets to be first in line at the buffet.
  • The end, where the family talks about what happened while Tom Tucker is delivering a story over it.

255. - Peter's Sister

  • Stewie promoting Monster Energy drink.
  • "Is she a prim and proper 'ont' or a big, fat, hairy 'ant'?"
  • Peter tries to avoid talking about Karen by having a lawyer represent him.
  • The opening to The Cosby Show (Knowing What We Know Now), which shows Cosby dancing and mugging at the camera while three of the female leads (Phylicia Rashad, Lisa Bonet, and Tempest Bledsoe), along with special guest stars Bonnie Raitt, Bea Arthur, The Noid (Domino's Pizza's mascot in the 1980s and the early 1990s), and the NBC peacock are passed out or sick/dazed from being drugged.
    • Peter's line after seeing the opening: "Huh, I was so blind to the color of his skin that I didn't notice the raping, either."
  • Chris having a bizarrely specific fetish for hispanic women running for city council. He invites a woman like that, Mrs Vargas, to Thanksgiving dinner.
    Chris: Thats a beautiful pants suit Mrs Vargas!
  • After Karen calls Peter "chin nuts", Quagmire finally notices it.
  • "Peter, Bonnie just changed Joe on the table. What are you worried about?"
  • A cab driver won't leave until Peter enters The White House because he said it was his house. He gets a Secret Service agent to play along.
  • "Happy Independence Day, Jack Skellington", a Fourth Of July themed The Nightmare Before Christmas parody.
    Jack Skellington: Fat chicks with dark hair get tattoos of me!
  • The montage of Peter bullying Meg set to "Celebrate" by Kool And The Gang.
  • In order to train as a wrestler, Cleveland decides to start Peter off on a painkiller addiction using pills from his stepdaughter Roberta's purse. This ends with the entire gang hooked on painkillers, and Peter saying he would "crime" for more.
  • The Chico's Monkey Farm commercial.
  • Out of nowhere, "Buttscratcher? Buttscratcher!" makes a surprise cameo.
  • All the female wrestlers having gross pun names based on feminine bodily functions.
    Wrestling Announcer: This is one for the history books, if anyone kept track of this nonsense! (This gets extra funny if you're a wrestling fan and know that, yes, people do keep track of it. In a lot of detail at that)

256. - Hot Pocket-Dial

  • The episode begins with a steakhouse waiter saying he's giving cocktails to Peter, Lois, and the kids.
  • Pheasant ON THE Glass.
    Peter: I defy anyone who tells me what's wrong with this.
  • After Peter decides to have a toothpick in his mouth all the time, he decides to go to a fish market counter because it makes him intimidating.
  • Chris thinks sewer workers are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
  • Meg ruins broccoli for Peter by saying they don't look like trees.
  • "Yeah, what? What? Which doggie in the window?"
  • Peter says if you keep listening to Quagmire's pocket-dial, you can hear a busboy get fired.
  • Cleveland points out clouds that look like members of Boyz II Men.
  • Stewie's trip to Tampa Bay: He gets called out for wearing sleeves.
    Man: Hey city boy, whats with the arm pants?!
  • The cutaway of Peter shaming Quagmire, which turns into Peter singing "Chain of Fools".
  • When Quagmire decides to leave Quahog, Joe asks if he can say now "jiggety".
  • "The guy you think did it? He did it. Now go to bed. Your grandkids are coming tomorrow."
  • The Little Mermaid eating Joe's legs.
  • The show ends on a low note: Joe telling the gang that an egg dish he said he had was All Just a Dream.

257. - Brokeback Swanson

  • The cutaway of Stewie after eating an artichoke.
Stewie: (while staring at the huge mess of vegetable nonsense on his plate) Good lord, I ate nothing and somehow I'm soaking wet!
Biden: Yes, you shot the guy we said was Bin Laden.
  • "Ladies, gentlemen, and alternative high school graduates, get ready to run for your lives!"
  • After Joe gets paralyzed from the neck down, Peter's phone goes off. Ironically, his ring tone is "Walk Like A Man" by the Four Seasons.
  • Dr. Hartman thinks the Swansons and the gang are here because it's his birthday. After he leaves and goes into the next room, turns out the rest of the hospital staff IS throwing him a surprise party.
Dr. Hartman: Hey, don't in that room in the back, it's super sad.
  • Daft Punk getting a Grammy, by mail, for the demo button from a Casio keyboard.
Mailman: Great song, Daft Punk! Here's a grammy!
Thomas Bangaltar: *in heavy french accent* Until we spoke just now, I had no idea we were french.
  • Peter stuffs the remote control, a can of chili, the can opener, and a magazine in Joe's mouth.
  • Cleveland solving a word puzzle and describing a picture of the Wayans her read in Jet to Joe.
Joe: I'm honestly just glad you have stuff you like.
  • The thesaurusasaurus, a dinosaur who gives synonyms for everything he's doing.
  • Peter at Hogwarts.
Sorting Hat: Housing for registered sex offenders.
Peter: Awww...

258. - A Shot In The Dark

  • Joe in a small talk class.
    Teacher: Thats good Joe. You could also have responded to Jenny who told you her son died.
  • Lois said Peter once looked like a young Gene Hackman.
    Stewie: That...thats not even good.
  • Peter thinks the now-elderly Henry Winkler aka The Fonz is doing his famous "w-w-w-wrong" line from Happy Days, while he's actually having a stroke.
  • The cutaway of a customer at an office supply store hitting the "easy" button, causing the clerk to wet, or possibly orgasm, himself.
    Customer: W-what did I just do?
    Clerk: Dont worry about it.
  • On neighborhood watch, the gang beats up Cyrano de Bergerac, while Romeo repeats everything he says while he is being beaten.
    Romeo: (romantically) Ow! Ow! Oh my god, four men are beating me! My arm! I think it is broken! Who are you guys? Why? Why? I'll give you anything if you stop beating me. Stop pulling at my nose, it is not fake. I think I am dying. Please take me to the hospital.
  • Serious George.
  • "Step away from that table! Brain fart. Window."
  • Dr. Hartman wrote down the name "brown family" to remember what the Brown family looks like.
  • Peter drives his car off a cliff when the speed sign says his speed is "FAT". After the car explodes and burns, the sign changes to "LOL J/K"
  • "You mean that's not really Quahog? It's just a big picture?"
  • Gay Aborigines.
  • Lois calling out Peter for his endless parade of stupid ideas that he insists on telling her about, and beating him up with a newspaper. Meanwhile, Meg and Chris are watching from the stairs, and start tearing their hair out as a means of asserting some kind of control over their home life.
    Chris: I'm in charge of my hair, this much I know!
  • Chris tells Peter he's going to send him a cake with a file in it while Peter is in jail. Cut to Peter discovering that the "file" Chris sent was the manuals for their kitchen appliances. Peter decides to use his time in jail to learn how to reset the clock on the coffee maker, only for a cutaway to show that he never did.
  • Carter reading his JAG fan fiction at an NCIS convention.
  • The poster for the Entourage movie is submitted as evidence at Peter's trial.
  • Two of Joe's co-workers wonder if he knows their names, since he just refers to them as "other cops".
  • "Wanna make the media go away? Just mention black-on-black crime."
  • Cleveland Junior telling Peter he's going to come for him for revenge one day.

259. - Candy Quahog Marshmallow

  • Peter's late night party line commercial.
    Peter: I'll be on the toilet wearing a t-shirt so long you have to hold it to wipe.
  • After Quagmire admits he was in a Korean soap opera, he also tells Cleveland he's a rock polisher, holding up a tiger eye rock.
  • Peter asks Tim Robbins how he managed to put back the Raquel Welch poster in The Shawshank Redemption because he liked the movie up to that point.
  • A German movie producer, just after World War II ended.
    Movie Producer: Now that WW2 is over, we can get back to making comedies again! Hans, get me these comedy writers! (hands his assistant a list)
    Hans: Uh, yeah, about that, I dont think any of these guys are availible.
    Producer: What?! Get me my agent!
    Hans: Yeah, he probably isnt going to answer either.
    Producer: This is outrageous! I demand to know what happene- Ohhhhh, I remember what happened...
  • To avoid Angela firing him, Peter tells Lois to hold the phone up to any episode of Who's the Boss?.
  • Peter gets Korean plastic surgery.
    Peter: *with tiny nose and large anime-esque eyes* I feel good. I feel like I want to giggle behind my hand at a lot of things and hold but not eat a big ice cream cone.
  • Quagmires old co-star Sun-Ji tracks him down via the phone app "Find American Johnny". Cut to its inventor sitting in a pile of money.
    Inventor: I already rich from that! Dance for me, Hillary Duff! *cue Hillary Duff dancing in a cage*
  • Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man in bed.
  • Peter as a half-man half-horse. The horse is the front end.
  • "Hey Sin-ju, your TV says it's 21 o'clock. What is that in real time?"
  • Act two ends with a live-action fake Korean commercial starring Ashton Kutcher. What is the commercial about? A kind of plastic bag you can use to cook stray dogs you accidently run over on your way home. Which you cook directly on the engine It's not meant for babies, but it also works for babies.
    Announcer: Here is a commercial that Ashton Kutcher thought no one in America would ever see.
  • Throughout the episode, Cleveland gets text messages about Donna's mother dying.
    Cleveland: Odd choice to have an open casket for a gunshot suicide.
  • "Confusing dance break!"
  • The ending of the subplot where Stewie learns he's a redhead: Just kidding, it doesn't show up at all. The DIRECTV listings threw that in for some reason.
  • At the end, a tan Mayor Adam West, Mort, and Dr. Hartman say they went to Lake Havasu to the gang and taunt them because they got laid.
  • The j-pop song Peter and the others put on at the end to convince Quagmire to return to America.
    Peter: (singing) Everything in this land is complete nonsense! Even worse, Kim-Jong Il lives across that fence!
  • Quagmire meeting Sin-Ju's great grandmother, who is so old, she is transparent.
    Quagmire: Oh my god, I can see through her!! Is she a ghost?!
    Sin-Ju: We don't know. She won't answer.
  • Quagmire talking about what he likes about being back home in the U.S.
    Quagmire: Here, I can get drunk whenever I want and close myself off from the world in my house.
    Peter: Awww, that's nice, and not at all symptoms of clinical depression.

260. - The Peanut Butter Kid

  • Wes Anderson's "Pan Up, Pan Down, French Song, The End".
    Peter: Wow, that was amazing I think.
  • After Lois says Chris is too stupid to go to college, Chris cheers.
    Stewie: No, Chris, not yay.
  • Peter's "I'm Gonna Barf at the White House" blog.
  • Peter accidently desecrating a military graveyard and stealing all the purple heart medals the soldiers were buried with.
    Peter: They were all buried on this big lawn in these bony cages.
    Brian: Hey guys, there's like four Jeeps driving up to the house.
  • Peter finds another metal detector with his metal detector. He decides to see what happens if he touches both of them and gets sent into a void.
    Mayor Adam West: Did you also call into a talk show without turning down your radio first?
  • The crew in charge of the auditions turns down Jake Tucker in a nice way (mainly because his face is upside-down).
  • Lois apologizes for Stewie's peanut butter commercial debuting during 2 Broke Girls.
  • "Bill... bill... bill... weird magazine about our town that's just ads..."
  • The cutaway of a sunny-side-up egg happily greeting the morning, only to discover he's being made at a Denny's at midnight, and is going to be served to a drug addict.
    Egg: Help! He's just gonna eat the toast and put a cigarette out on me!
  • Peter gets a 3D printer to print a coyote that attacks Chris, when it was supposed to attack Brian.
  • Godzilla deciding not to attack Haiti because it's already been destroyed by the earthquake that happened in 2010.
    Godzilla: Oh my God! (slinks back into the ocean)
  • Peter giving Stewie a mix of 5-Hour Energy, espresso and cocaine to give him energy for his auditions.
  • Stewie deciding that he's going to be really into drugs and dancing as a teenager, only to burn out by 18 and become a bodybuilding born-again Christian.
    Stewie: I'll just be a 180 degree different kind of insufferable!
  • When Brian points out that being an actor might not be the best thing for Stewie, Peter points out that Brian's estranged son (Dylan from "The Former Life of Brian" and "Brian's a Bad Father") is a teen actor. Brian immediately snaps to Peter about how his adoptive father hated him and then died.
    Chris: Wow, bringing a gun to a knife fight!
  • When Stewie gets his first acting job, Peter takes Chris into a store to tell him he's no longer the favorite son. Chris breaks down crying, then smashes Peter's head through the store window.
    Peter: (bloodied and beaten) I didnt even tell him yet. He just does not like to be touched.

261. - Scammed Yankees

  • The NBA on TNT on LSD.
  • Last time Carter was left home alone, he did a parody of "Virtual Insanity" by Jamaroquai.
  • Brian overhears Meg playing Twister with her friends. Calls include "left cankle blue".
  • Ants at a picnic. To be more specific, two giant ants having a regular picnic and behaving obnoxiously, playing loud music, and grilling, bothering a nearby human couple.
  • "You have postcards from France?"
  • Brian says it would be easy to bring a gun into the high school.
  • Kevin James Got Too Fat To Be In Movies.
    Woman: Kevin James, why did you have to come back to television?
    Kevin: I ate Adam Sandler.
  • Stewie thinks the line for a gay club is the line for the Apple Store.
  • "Well, hop on board the Panda Express... in bed. Like the fortune cookie."
  • An African version of Herbert, disguised as a mosquito.
  • Tom Tucker says the top story is "sinking newscaster" before he appears to sink.
    Tom: Just kidding, it's the chair.
  • Lois calls Uber while in Africa, and gets a rhino with the Uber logo on its side. Shortly after, an elephant with a pink moustache shows up.
  • Lois' exasparated reaction to finding out that Peter is being held prisoner in Africa by Carter.
    Lois: Oh, for God's sake...
  • On the plane to Africa, the in-flight dinner is delivered in UN Food Relief parcels, complete with tiny parachutes
  • After Carter apologizes to Peter for the imprisonment, Peter says its okay, because he's contracted a dangerously high fever and wont remember any of this anyway.
  • Joe apparently has a side business as a party clown.
  • After Brian fails to score with Megs hot friend, two stars talk about it and one mentions that its what he (the star) wished for, only he had made the wish 32.000 years ago. Neil deGrasse Tyson then shows up to talk about space.
  • The cutaway about ballpark concession food.
    Peter: Yes, I'll have one terrible beer that's filled up way too high so half of it will spill out, and one too-long hot dog in a too-short bun, and do you have mustard relish?
    Cook: Yeah, it's there between the entrance and the exits to the bathrooms.
    Peter: Great. And I'll also have one bag of unsalted peanuts. You know, something I'd never eat anywhere else in the world.
    Cook: Here you go.
    Peter: Great, I cant wait to have diarrhea in the bathroom stall with no door while 20 guys wait for me to finish.

262. - An App A Day

  • Peter farts into Cleveland's Shazam app. It says it's Lana Del Rey.
  • Stewie reading the closed captioning on Live With Kelly and Michael while on the treadmill.
  • "Peter, could you keep it down? I'm looking at lamps I'll never buy."
  • Meg pretending she's married to a cardboard cutout of Dog the Bounty Hunter.
  • After Chris sends a picture of his junk, he says "It worked well for..." Cut to a list of celebrities caught in inappropriate photo scandals scrolling by as "Yakkety Sax" plays.
  • Neil Goldman telling Chris that sending a picture of his genitals to a girl he likes is okay, because anyone sending their kids to public school is basically asking for this.
  • Lois talking about how sensitive people have gotten about nudity and sexually active teens, and how in her day, "boys would just whip it out on the bus".
  • Peter tries to make a Batman exit from Chris's principals office, but everyone else catches him as he tries to sneak out the window.
  • "Coming up next, teleprompter gut puts the period in a weird. Place."
  • Quagmire, who's leading sex offender rehab at the Quahog Community Center, shows Chris a list of fake hobbies.
    Chris: I could take a whack at hand-distressing furniture.
    Quagmire: We don't say "whack" here.
  • This gem:
    Quagmire: All of you are sex offenders, and statistically, you will all be here again, because this has never worked in the history of doing this. Now, today we have a new member (giggity), Chris G.
  • At the sex offenders group, we get this exchange.
    Quagmire: Alright, first of all, whoever has a windowless van painted like an ice cream truck, your lights are on.
    (Over half the group leaves)
  • Herbert the pedophile freaking out over Chris being a sex offender and leading a group of little boys into his cellar to escape him.
  • Peter's cake mix-up.
    Peter: Hey Chris, wait till you see the funny thing I had them put on your cake.
    Chris: Happy 6th Birthday, Timmy?
    Peter: Uh-oh, they must've mixed 'em up. (Meanwhile at Timmy's birthday party...)
    Timmy: Nice crank, you dirty little bastard? (Enter Peter with the other cake)
    Peter: Sorry, I'll take that. Here's your cake, I ate a great deal of it.
  • Quagmire tells Chris not to ring his doorbell. Chris does it anyway and Quagmire's cat freaks out and runs away.
  • Peter signing up for an app named Grindr. Not the app used for anonymous homosexual hookups, but another one with the same name for people who enjoy sandwiches. Which is still played as anonymous gay sex.
  • "Wow, we rolled three gutter balls on these kids, huh?"
  • Stewie says he knows where he's going to place his tennis trophy. Cut to two doctors looking at an X-ray of Stewie with a trophy up his butt.
    First Doctor: So the baby died?
    Second Doctor: Yeah, the baby died. But look, first place!
  • A self-checkout tells Chris to asphyxiate himself, and then brags to the next self-checkout.
    Checkout: See, I told you I could get him to do it.
  • After Chris has himself chemically castrated to get everyone to stop treating him like a pervert and starts acting like an effeminate, soft-spoken weirdo, Peter refers to him as "that thing".
  • Chris getting all manner of obscure hobbies once he's no longer occupied with his sex drive.
    Chris: Well, I'm off to the wind chimes store!
    Peter: There can not be a whole store just for that!
  • Stewie's over-the-top anger over the referee calling an out for a perceived long shot, which gets him and Brian disqualified. He continues to trash talk the guard removing him from the tennis club until the guard states he believes Stewie's ball was in, whereupon Stewie 180's to a cheerful mood.
  • After the drugs wear off, Chris is caught masturbating in the school library by the elderly librarian. We find out later that she died of shock.
    Meg: She worked in that library for 54 years.
    Peter: Well atleast she got to see a little wang before she died.
  • The episode ends with everyone confused on this week's lesson. It's either "chemical castration is not for everyone" or "don't get angry on a tennis court".

263. - Underage Peter

  • Joe talking about "Jimmy Crack Corn" and why the songwriter wrote it if he said he didn't care.
    Quagmire: Are you on vacation, Joe?
    Joe: Yeah.
  • The infomerical for The Yanket, a slanket with fake arms so you can secretly masturbate anywhere you want. It reappears in the ending where Chris is now wearing one.
    Stewie: I threw that over him. He was just doing it out in the open before.
  • Cleveland putting hot sauce on his fries and talking about why african americans love hot sauce so much.
    Cleveland: We get pepper sprayed by age 2, so we cant taste anything without that burn on it.
  • When Peter drinks the shot of hot sauce, the camera zooms into his eyes, and we see clips of a volcano erupting, the surface of the sun, and a dancer girl from Rio's Carnival.
    Peter: That last one was more caliente than hot, but still, holy crap!
  • Joe offers Peter $10 for a vertebra. Afterwards, Peter offers Joe $10 to swap chins.
  • Peter accepting a dare to open a fire hydrant and drink as much water as possible.
    Cleveland: I think this is how Anna Nicole Smith died.
    Quagmire: Don't make light of that.
  • Peter drowning a copy of White Fang for ruining his 8th grade summer. When the book attacks him, Joe shoots it, saying the book ruined his summer, too.
  • "Coming up, local high school teacher sleeps with her students. Is she hot? Stay tuned."
  • When Peter is angry over the alcohol ban, he asks Lois what the hell non-drinkers do with their time, and she suggest knitting.
    Peter: KNITTING?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! ...maybe. (cut to the whole family wearing knit sweaters and hats)
    Peter: Okay, so it turns out I'm super into knitting.
  • During the news segment on the alcohol ban, Mort Goldman says that they should probably trust the lawmakers, and that his pharmacy is fully stocked with cough syrup which goes great with ginger ale.
  • Without alcohol, mentally challenged Opie is acting and talking normally, meaning that during all of his antics, he was just drunk.
  • You think Adam West is a crazy mayor? Jay Leno is the mayor of a neighboring town, and he's passed a law that makes it illegal to sell alcohol to anyone who's not entirerly clad in denim.
    Cleveland: Who keeps voting for these mayors?!
    Peter: Rhode Island is a mess from top to bottom.
  • Peter watching a pot boil.
  • Quagmire drinking beer out of Peter's belly button, only to choke and cough up Legos, coins, a remote, a toy car, and a goldfish in a bag.
  • The boys drink to make a picture of Rebel Wilson hot. They end up making it a picture of Neil Patrick Harris in his underwear, causing them all to drink coffee.
  • '80s FBI trying to arrest Chris, who's acting like an '80s movie hacker and escaping while "The Heat Is On" plays.
    Agent: We're here for someone using a 24 kb modem to almost start World War III.
  • Peter using dead birds to point to things.
  • "I've got another game we can play: Boggle!"
  • Peter never lies, except for that one time at a restaurant when a man had a heart attack and his wife asked if anyone was a doctor.
    Peter: I have a 13-inch penis! *applause from everyone else in the restaurant*
  • Thomas Edison running around stealing credit for inventing the lightbulb and the phonograph.
    Jingle: Look it up, Edison was a dick!
  • Peter eating a croquet ball, thinking it's a tomato.
    Mayor West: That's a croquet ball.
    Peter: *mouth full of blood and shattered teeth* Ah. Then, could you direct me to the nearest bed time-open dentist?
  • Peter and his friends go to a prison to get some toilet wine:
    Joe: Peter, why'd you want me to get me into this prison?
    Peter: Because, Joe, everybody knows that all prisoners make bootleg wine in their toilet. We are gonna get so wasted. Oh, look, right here. This one's full of chardonnay. (scoops some of the contents of the toilet)
    Joe: Peter, I don't think that's...
    Peter: (narrating) But it was chardonnay. The best chardonnay I've ever had in my life. The man who made it, Curtis "Murder Dog" Williams, went on to become one of America's most celebrated vintners.
    Joe: (narrating) Hey, Joe here. Peter's lying, he drank pee-pee.

264. - A Lot Going On Upstairs

  • The show begins with Stewie having nightmares:
    • First, he dreams he's naked at pre-school while showing his mother's driver's license.
    • Then he dreams he's at a dinner party with Glenn Close and doesn't recognize the Fatal Attraction reference. He lampshades how weird it is that he doesnt recognize a joke in his own dream.
    • Finally, he dreams he forgets his part in the opening (which doubles as this episode's opening) and is forced on the bench with other lesser-used characters such as the Sleazy Salesman, the Vaudeville Performers, and the Old-Timey Strongmen.
    Stewie: Wait, how did Joe get halfway up those stairs?
  • Sham-Peter, Peter as a giant whale, being made to entertain people at a water park.
    Handler: He's a little shy, but here he is, Sham-Peter!
    Peter: *jumps out of the water* I'm not shy, I'm angry! *dives into the water; comes out again* I'm in constant pain! *dives into the water; comes out again* This act has been condemned by 38 different nations!
  • Peter goes down to the living room, and finds the coach missing, only to remember that its at Couchella, a music festival for sofas.
    Couch: I just had sex with a girl on her period!
    Other Couch: Dude, that's not a brag!
  • The punchline to the cutaway of Stewie taking the night shift at a supermarket: the customer explains it to a guy in bondage gear chained to a wall.
  • Peter stole a "Caution: Children At Play" road sign. In the background, we hear children getting run over. Later on, Stewie mentions that he found a bicycle bell at the crossing where the kids got run down.
  • Brian being addicted to eating erasers on pencils.
  • The boys having a pillow fight with the pink fiberglass insulation in the attic.
  • The guys putting Joe in Stewies old baby chair, and telling him its a paratroopers harness.
  • After Lois gets sick of Peter and his friends making a ton of noise in the attic she locks them in there by nailing the door shut. Peter eventually resorts to threatening to pooping on her wedding dress if she doesnt let them out. By the time she gets the door open, its too late, and Quagmire says he's going to need a few weeks away from all of them.
  • To help Stewie out, Brian brings out Chris as Frankenstein, followed by Meg as Chris, followed by Mayor Adam West as Meg, who both keep saying "a roodily toot toot". Then Stewie notices a line of characters in the window, each dressed as the character in front of themselves!
    Stewie: Do they all say "a roodily toot toot?"
    Brian: A lot of them, yea.
  • "Elmo speak bad English on educational show!"
  • Brian in Stewie's subconcious. To say It Makes Sense in Context is an understatement.
  • For some reason, Meg's listening to survival tips during the second half of this episode.

265. - The Heartbreak Dog

  • A video of the Swansons' honeymoon and 10th wedding anniversary. It's basically the same footage, but the only difference is Joe's handicapping.
  • Stewie tries to text Rupert on a toy cell phone.
    Stewie: Hey, I want real things!
  • Scumbag Spock.
  • "Before I start, are these the healthy kids or more of the 'dur dur' ones?" "It's a healthy mix".
  • A cutaway about Brian finding out Peter's dark double life - he's a cyclist, complete with spandex, helmet and stupid little sideway mirror.
    Peter: I'm sorry Brian, I didnt want you to find out this way... I'm one of these people now.
  • When playing charades, Peter acts like a gay man while Joe guesses Hugh Grant movies. Joe ends up guessing the correct answer, Notting Hill.
  • Porn movies before sound. Like regular silent films, there's a pianist provividing the soundtrack live, except he's clearly masturbating at the same time.
  • "Shut up, I'm trying to hum atonally!"
  • Meg texts a picture of a brooch she stole to Mayor Adam West.
    Mayor Adam West's Mom: Adam, are you done with that mayor homework yet?
    Adam: It's called a bill, mom.
  • Joe uploaded a video of Brian freaking out after Joe drugged him and put boots on him. Peter uploaded a video of Joe watching it.
  • Peter, Lois, Quagmire and Cleveland tries to tell Joe to stop tormenting Brian after he kissed Bonnie, but they keep getting sidetracked over what a shitty person Brian is.
  • Quagmire finally tells Bonnie she's a slut, then decides to hit on her.
  • Peter says they're zero for two on interventions. Seamus then throws a bottle of alcohol through the window, saying he won't stop drinking.
  • Bonnie watching Joe do a crossword puzzle.
  • Chris has been dumping pipe ashes into an urn containing someone else's ashes.
  • The dad from Small Wonder deciding not to rape Vicki after shutting her down.
  • A couple who meet on Craigslist.
    Man: Ohh, I wonder which one of us is the murderer!
  • Joe says Brian has a chip in his ear, which makes Brian realize that's how Peter got good at hide and seek.
    Peter: (sitting in a lawn chair next to a cooler full of beer, looking at his phone) You're under the canoe in Quagmire's backyard!
    Brian: (offscreen) Damnit!
  • Since they're running low on time, Peter makes Meg, Chris, and Brian race against each other to explain what happened to them.
    Peter: And the winner is... Nobody. (to the camera) Especially not you. Good night.

266. - Take a Letter

  • Lois holds up a carton of dog milk they're serving at Stewie's preschool.
    Brian: Aw, sweet, dilk! (grabs the carton, then drinks it)
  • Cleveland finally has a job again as a mail worker. He jokes "What can Brown do for you?", then apologizes for joking about their competitor.
    Cleveland: It's grounds for dismissal if anyone ever got fired here, but they dont.
  • Cleveland getting into an argument with an Amazon drone while delivering mail.
    Drone: By foot?! Anyway, I gotta deliver these fat pants to your fat son! (flies off)
    Cleveland: He was harsh but not untruthful. We have to special order Juniors pants from a company that makes grill covers.
  • Flat Stanley as played by Stanley Tucci.
    Tucci: Sometimes I wear glasses, and sometimes I dont.
  • Five Judd Hirschs fitting into a giant sweater.
    Judd Hirsh: Ah, I cant wait to spill soup on this!
  • "Anyhoo, grab that letter opener. I'll show you why you should never mail cash."
  • Apparently, Herbert's still the president of the Jonathan Taylor Thomas fan club.
  • Carter calls a time-out during an Eyes Wide Shut party because he can't find his wiener in his mask.
  • A high school boy with a drivers' license being seducted into buying groceries for girls.
    Stewie: Hey, it's Stewie. All I know about cars is what my mom does.
  • Peter says "Blackmail!", then gets mail from Cleveland.
    Peter: (to his ex who actually is blackmailing him) And I dont know what to call the thing you're doing to me!
  • The Peter Catcher.
    Peter: (having been tricked into the Peter Catcher's cage truck) I'm going to get so molested...
  • Peter leaves a Ray La Montagne concert because he doesn't have a beard.
  • Stewie says there's a girl in another room "pulling a train". Cut to a preschool girl pulling a toy train on a rope.
  • "Oh no, I chicka-chickaed too early!"
  • Peter asks Meg about a text he got, then after Meg says Peter's ex-girlfriend wants to kill Lois, he runs off screaming.
  • The episode ends with Stewie saying he's going to become a YouTube star, listing off several others, then notices the Fox logo bug is still on screen and says "This, this is over."

267. - The New Adventures Of Old Tom

  • How Teddy Roosevelt got on Mount Rushmore.
    Teddy: I got posession of Guam!
  • Michael Douglas' Munch-Out, a Punch-Out version about Michael Douglas' life.
  • Chris dared himself to eat a diamond ring he thought was a lug nut because he has no self-esteem.
    Stewie: We should check in with him more often.
  • At the end of act one, Peter gets stuck on a children's train saying it's out of control, like Amtrak. We then see a list of train disasters scroll by as "Locomotion" plays.
  • "I feel like I'm cheating on Tom Bergeron."
  • Stewie trying to start a chant get everyone out of a health food store leading to a major protest to have sex outlawed.
    Stewie: Are there any grey haired lesbian art teachers here to help us choose fiber cereal? It wont take long, I know your huge dogs are tied up outside!
  • Peter on The Voice. his choice of song: "Wannabe" by The Spice Girls.
  • The end of Peter and Tom's Go Pro skate video: A bear attacks Peter, then notices the camera.
    Announcer: Bear Scares, Latvia's number-one bear prank show, now available on region 3 DVD!
    • At the end of act two, the bear attacks Peter again, followed by a Latvian state-run commercial for "Shirt Dot Gov", a website offering shirts.
    Announcer: Shirt Dot Gov, Shirt Dot Gov, the only place to get your shirt!
  • "This just out: me!"
  • At the end, Tom and Peter are about to step off a ledge, but a bird suddenly flies in and Tom falls off the building.
    Peter: It's okay, he landed on people.
  • The epic Brick Joke at the end of the episode (to announce it here would give it away), followed by a montage of Tom and Peter wiping out on a skateboard over the credits.
  • The cutaway with Billy Zane and his agent.
    Agent: Billy, you're through, you havent been in anything in ten years!
    Billy: Yes I have, I was in those electronic cigarette commercials!
    Agent: That was Steven Dorf!
    Billy: Awww...

268. - Run, Chris, Run

  • The Principal giving announcements as a rap.
  • "Who do they think I am, Mark Zucker Brothers?"
  • Chris believes "Chris Griffin" rhymes with "homecoming king".
  • The Bourne movie without Matt Damon.
  • Stewie camping with One Direction and Simon Cowell.
  • Peter and Quagmire playing Tecmo Bowl.
  • "God, a lot of gym teacher suicide memorials in this place."
  • After watching a news report, Stewie realizes they voted Chris homecoming king out of pity.
    Brian: Kind of like what we did with George W. Bush, huh?
  • Goodyear says it uses blimps because their target audience is drivers and when they're driving, they wanna look straight up.
  • After getting his first kiss, Chris texts Peter "U Up?" Justified because Chris was a baby.
  • The Homecoming Queen died in a car crash on prom night.
    Chris: She was on PCP, you idiots!
  • At the end, Peter and Cleveland play Double Dribble as Peter deliberately keeps shooting three-pointers due to a glitch.

269. - Road to India

  • One of the scenes in this episode's "Road To" credits shows Brian and Stewie eating Indian food while both are sitting on toilet.
  • William Shakespeare enduring jokes about his collar as he walks to a store that sells collars.
    Clerk: How did you like the collar?
    William: 'Tis not for me.
  • Peter as a fast-food employer flipping the bird to a sign that reads "Employees Must Wash Hands" after saying that he doesnt like being told what to do.
  • Jeb Bush and his wife, Consuela.
  • "Laughing Cow, that's gotta be a happy farm, right?"
  • The Tori Spelling Bee, a spelling bee with words about Tori Spelling.
  • Stewie tells his yoga class he's going to India.
  • "Come on, I think we see a cab with less than nine people in it."
  • Peter has the Somali pirate from Captain Phillips tell Joe he's no longer the leader of their Bingo group.
  • Cowboys and Indians and Indians.
    Cowboy Kid: Im gonna shoot you with my six-gun!
    Native American Indian: I'm gonna shoot you with my bow and arrow!
    Indian: I'm just gonna stand here wearing a shirt that looks like a jacket.
  • Brian and Stewie shutting down a group of Indians by pressing the dots on their foreheads.
    Brian: (at the same time) Now let's get out of here.
    Stewie: (at the same time) Now let's go see what their wieners look like.
  • Peter timing his farts to thunder crashes, then missing the last one because the storm is moving on.
  • Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow's wedding.
    Priest: Do you take this woman to lecture you on transfats for as long as you live?
    Chris: I do.
    Priest: And do you take this man to be a watered-down Bono until death do you part?
    Gwyneth: I do.
    Priest: I now pronounce you pretentious and terrible. You may now name your daughter after a fruit.
  • After Stewie jokes about [[Pun getting sandwiches at a New Delhi]], we see a four-handed ganesh doing two rimshots.
  • Fruit-stealing monkeys manage to steal a whole table at Padma's engagement party when everyone else is distracted.
  • Stewie removing tapeworms like a snake charmer.
  • "There's gotta be a Carmen Sandiego episode on India or something."
  • The obligatory musical curtain call ends with Brian getting mauled by a tiger.
  • Brian being nervous both because he's meeting his girlfriends Indian parents, but also because the setting looks just like on Homeland right before a drone strike.
  • At the party, Stewie didn't bother buying any new clothes, he's just wearing an old Aladdin Halloween costume.

     Season Fifteen 

270. - The Boys in the Band

  • The Too Soon joke that starts the season: The extended ending to Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.
  • Peter using Stewie as a lumbar pillow.
    Peter: This works better in the car.
  • Chris' previous job as a man racing to the airport to win back the love of his life at the end of a romantic comedy. The punchline is worth the wait: The woman he's racing after isn't the college-bound teenage girl, it's her grandmother. Chris then says it's what the other passengers expected for flying Spirit Air.
  • Red Shirt Blue Shirt's songs, including "Momma Liked To Party (Chris' Song)", "Mommy and Daddy's Room", "Butt Paste On My Button", and "I Want A Little Brother".
  • Stewie advertised Red Shirt Blue Shirt to middle-aged moms the easiest way; the wine shelf at a supermarket. He also advertised to gay men but they got, um, a different kind of advertisment.
    Stewie: (to a man) Where are you drinkin' that Chardonnay?
  • Quagmire asks Chris if he has any references. Chris replies "Cowabunga, Schwing, and Yadda Yadda Yadda".
    Quagmire: Wow, those are pretty good references!
  • The first thing Chris has to do every day as part of his new job is to punch Quagmire in the stomach because he's a bad person.
    Chris: this some sort of trick?
    Quagmire: It's the furthest thing from a trick, and it should be pretty hard, I'm a worse person than you think.
  • The birthday performer before Red Shirt Blue Shirt is a guy who shows off different reptiles, including a toad, a turtle and a boa constrictor.
    Man: Have fun out there. I'm going to go feed everything in my van to each other.
  • Brian celebrates by jumping around in a field. Peter joins in.
  • Miss Piggy tells Scooter she called in sick because she had a frog in her throat.
    Kermit: Please stop drinking.
  • "I'll go get us another badly-scratched, plastic pitcher of soda."
  • The poor state of the animatronics at Cheesie Charlie's. The worst one is "Broken Arm Coyote With Washboard".
  • Stewie hitting rock bottom.
    Stewie: (spanks a muscular man's ass) See, Brian, that's a rock bottom. Now get out of here, we're gonna drink some Chardonnay.
  • Chris' pop-up restaurant gig, where he pops up in a car and asks if the driver's hungry.
    Yelp Review: Great garlic knots, scary kid.
  • Chris tracking Quagmire's genital sore growth with iPhone camera. Unfortunatly, the picture account is part of the Griffin Family Account.
    Carter Pewterschmidt: What's wrong with this worm?
  • Apparently, there's a spazzy boy who comes to Red Shirt Blue Shirt's gigs and shouts "Bring out the snakes!"
  • Stewie as a mashup of Lois and Peter.
    Stewie: (laughing like Peter) Groceries.
  • Cheers after they brought in Kirstie Alley: They all confuse Rebecca for Norm.
  • After Peter makes a joke about Chris either "mowing lawns and trimming bushes", he throws a baseball and hits it with a bat.
  • Frankenstein's monster as a loan officer. He rejects a loan because part of the clients business plan was selling pitchforks.
  • Chris with a horse gimp with Mort inside.
    Mort: Well, that's what I get for horsing around.
    Peter: (throws a baseball, tries to hit it, but misses) Your joke wasn't that good enough.
  • Olivia's replacement for Brian in Red Shirt Blue shirt? Vinny, despite being Ret Gone as of "Christmas Guy".

271. - Bookie of the Year

  • Peter introducing the Italian-American festival as a place where "every child has seen a relative murdered in a barbers chair".
  • Peter at the "Teach An Old Italian Woman To Use An iPad" booth.
  • Frank Sinatra Jr keeping meatballs in his jacket pockets. He's even lined them with plastic.
  • After Chris rages out, Peter blames it on violence in moves and sex on TV. Lois is impressed that he paid attention to the theme song.
  • Peter throws a rotten apple at Mayor Adam West's car.
    Mayor Adam West: I didn't know we had brown apple in the forecast. Welp, looks like we need it.
  • Jesus' friend Evan, who bailed on the Last Supper.
    Evan: *looking at Leonardo Da Vinci's The Last Supper* Awww, they did a painting?! I would have gone if I knew they were going to do a painting!
  • Bruce is the play-by-play commentator for the James Woods High baseball team.
    Bruce: Three strikes and he's out, just like my cousin Freddie and his drugs.
  • Herbert holds up signs at Chris' baseball game reading "Chris, can you sign my balls?", "I've been choking up on my bat", "I was in the minors", and "I'm not supposed to be here."
  • Peter talking about how impressed he is by Chris's performance at the game.
    Peter: Wow, look at him go! I've never seen Chris run out on a baseball field without chasing a duck or being chased by a duck.
  • Cleveland telling Peter they can make "Toni Braxton money" by betting on Chris.
    Peter: Is-is that a lot?
    Cleveland: It's a lot, then nothing, and then a record whose proceeds go directly to creditors.
  • The teams mascot, who has a huge baseball head, turns out to be a guy with an actual head and baseball-shaped scar when he washes off the white paint in the shower, freaking Chris out.
  • Peter stubbing his toe at a funeral.
    Peter: OW!! Why does everything bad happen to me?! Answer me, guy in box and guy on cross!
  • "Little known secret about Charlton Heston: never used toilet paper. Just drop and go."
  • Peter asking Chris to deliberately lose the championship in Spanish.
  • Lois walking in and catching Chris drinking from a whisky bottle, only to find out thats how Snapple is packaged now to trick kids into drinking it. When Lois tells him that Snapple used to be really popular, Chris doesnt belive her.
  • Frank Sinatra, Jr. gets $40 every time someone says "my way", but Nancy Sinatra gets $60.
  • Joe, Quagmire and Cleveland disguising themselves as teenagers to sneak into James Woods High. Problem is, Joe based the disguises on Archie Comics, so Joe is wearing a letterman's jacket, Quagmire is dressed like The Fonz and Cleveland is wearing pink girl clothes.
  • Brian and Stewie's "unearned end of the series moment where we turn out the lights"... just before they torch the place.
  • Frank Sinatra Jr returning to Palm Springs, which has, in his words, "been completely taken over by the gays".

272. - American Gigg-olo

  • Tom Tucker says it's odd for the pilots to start picketing on a Thursday.
  • One of the freshest cutaways yet, Peter on the Access Hollywood bus with Donald Trump.
Peter: Hey, I have an idea for this thing called "Twitter". It's a service that lets crazy people slam women and minorities at 3 AM!
  • Quagmire's schedule is "Picketing" until 6 PM and "Scumbag Stuff" from 9 PM.
  • "There's a rat trap in that cabinet with a foot in it. Somewhere in the house, there's a footless rat."
  • Cleveland's stealing shot glasses from The Drunken Clam because that's how he drinks Ny Quil.
  • After Quagmire notices the gang at the strip club, Peter says their disguises didn't work. They're all wearing masks of each other's faces.
  • One of the first people who offers to pay Quagmire for sex is The "Who Else But Quagmire?" man, who cant satisfy his wife and wants Quagmire to do it.
  • The first sign of Quagmire's success as a gigolo is his dry-cleaning.
  • The music mongtage showing Quagmires start as a gigolo. Peter takes him to an ugly client, and when Quagmire indicates he cant perform, Peter puts a bag over her head. When that isnt enough, Peter puts a photo of himself on the bag. When Quagmire rejects THAT, Peter runs off crying.
  • Peter gets a call during Meg's cello recital and leaves.
Janitor: Meg, that was the last guy so just clean up after you're done.
(wide out to reveal that no one's in the audience)
  • Peter betting on college football by giving the bookie a hundred bucks.
Bookie: You want to pick a team?
Peter: No no, just take them.
  • Stewie thinks about how happy Brian's job is making him so he should just let it be even though Brian's douchiness is infuriating him. Then the credits roll, only to quickly cut back to Stewie who decides he cant stand it so he's just going to get Brian fired.
  • Stewie hires free Mexican migrant workers ("One's Guatemalan.") to help him come up with an idea of how to get Brian fired, but all they can think of is to either get him fired as an illegal immigrant or killing him. When Stewie pressures them, one finally fires off an idea about giving a shook-up soda can to Brians boss, an idea clearly stolen from the Simpsons. Thats the one they go with, and it works.
Stewie: Okay, if you had a friend who worked at Mega Hardware, how would you get him fired?
Luis: You ask him for papers?
Stewie: Okay, good. Uh, that, unfortunately, won't work in this instance. But I like your effort, Luis. Uh, any other ideas?
Carlos: You could kill a guy.
Stewie: You know what, Carlos, you stay quiet for a while. I really only need two of you. You'll still be paid.
Migrant Worker #3: You ask for papers?
Stewie: Okay, is there any idea out there besides killing a guy or getting someone deported?
Carlos: We do good job, we live with you?
Stewie: Well, you just offered to kill a guy, so you're not exactly number one on my roommate list. Now, let's go. I paid good money for you, I need answers! I want your best, and I won't stand for even one more stupid idea!
Migrant Worker #3: You shake up boss's soda and give to him. When he open it, it explode!
Stewie: This is why I pushed you.
  • Quagmire's life as a hooker is featured in a movie called Hookers At Quahog Point: An HBO Gross Sex Documentary.
    • When the documentary crew interviews Peter, he just goes off on a tangent about how he thinks he wants to see Guardians of the Galaxy, but is worried there might be scary parts in it.
  • Stewie tries to find out how to perform a hernia operation on his iPhone when Brians hernia ruptures, but he says he has to update his iOS first.
  • Quagmires career as a gigolo finally comes to an end when a client wants to do "German stuff", and Peter tries to come to his rescue, only to get pulled in as well.
Peter: Ah! She's got us both! Help us, pimps and hos! Help us, HBO camera crew!
Peter: *walking with Quagmire, both beaten and disleveled* Wow Quagmire, most of that was horrible!
Quagmire: I know. Eventually, I might want to try it again.
  • At the end, Peter tells Quagmire that the strike ended a month ago and he e-mailed it to Quagmire, but he used an outdated AOL address.

273. - Inside Family Guy

  • According to Chris, the show was called "Chris Griffin: Teen Doctor" in the pilot.
  • Seal Team Six completed their mission in the Petercopter.
Bin Laden: Hey cool, Family Guy! Hey, up here!
  • Stewie's start-up business, a website that discretely delivers crepes for straight people who likes crepes but dont like people making assumptions about their sexuality.
Stewie: Mmm, strawberry banana nutella with a raspberry drip! Now I just need a guys butt to eat this off and we're good to go!
  • Peter makes the writers spit in each other's mouths.
Peter: You know I'm only tough on you 'cause I hate you, right?
  • Brian was temporarily killed off so he can star in a remake of Old Yeller where the dog shoots his owner first. It bombed.
Brian: They overestimated the number of dogs that buy movie tickets.
  • Adam West interrupts a scene just to show how they filmed Batman climbing up the skyscraper. He's even in costume!
  • "Uncle Ricky, played by sitcom buzzard David Spade, enters."
  • Peter makes a speech about leaving with his dignity and makes a dramatic exit through the sound stage, only for the guard at the gate to tell him his dick has been hanging out of his pants the whole time.
  • After David Spade debuts, everyone originally loves him, only for his grating personality and wimpy demenour beginning to get on peoples nerves.
  • Cleveland has no idea who Spade is, not recognizing any of the hits Spade starred in. Then Joe mentions that Spade was also in one of the Wayan Brothers bombs, and Cleveland immediatly recognizes him, down to his character name.
  • Peter moves to Hollywood's historic Chateau Marmont hotel, where James Woods mentions that he once engaged in the consensual murder of an underage prostitute there.
  • Peter creating sexually explicit tapestry art of the Minions from Despicable Me.
  • James Woods talking about the shows cutaway gags, and that they're apparently produced by James Cameron, only to be corrected that its actually "James, the Cameraman" who produces them, a fat slob who got the job by selling Vicodin to some of the shows producers. He then sells some vicodin to Woods.
James: It says dont take it with alcohol, but you should take it with alcohol.
Woods: Yeah, duh! I'll also need some for the girl I'm babysitting.
  • Peter auditioning as the supportive dad in a Cheerios commercial. His character is supposed to talk about why he decided to raise his son instead of becoming a musician.
Son: You'll always be a rockstar to me, dad.
Peter: You ruined my life! I'm going to bed...
Peter: (notices some graffiti near the ceiling) Looks like somebody named "Brooks" was here.
  • Stewie says Peter once tried to hold up a convience store with a t-shirt cannon.
  • "My online poker problem is burning like a wildfire!"
  • The Reveal at the end that the entire process of firing Peter and bringing in a replacement until Peter learns his lesson is something they repeat every week, just so they can film the REAL episode before Peter forgets his lesson and turns into a giant diva asshole again by Monday.
  • The episode ends with a montage of Peter getting hit in the groin with a bag of nickels in a parody of the similar montage credits used on The Simpsons, except this is all new footage just for parody purposes.

274. - Chris Has Got A Date, Date, Date, Date, Date

  • Cleveland dresses his stepson Rallo in a squirrel costume to steal tomatoes from Lois' garden.
    Cleveland: This time, try to get like, 8, of them. I want to make bruschetta.
  • Peter saws wood in the bedroom.
    Peter: Once the floor is full of sawdust, we can eat peanuts in here!
  • "If you're neither insane, nor a clown, nor a posse, I'm not interested."
  • On New Year's Eve, Chris shouted "Some animals give me boners!" just before the stroke of midnight and balloons and confetti drop.
  • After getting hired for Uber, Peter instantly gets a hairy chest, a gold necklace, and a Bluetooth speaker, in which he begins to talk foreign-sounding gibberish into.
  • When Taylor Swift agrees to go to the dance with Chris, he then breaks the sad news to Shamus, who was getting his hair at the time.
  • "But first, we go to commercial while our sports reporter smiles and spins a football for some reason."
  • The famed "I'm so excited" scene, with Stewie playing the role of Jessie.
    Stewie: Screech is going to stab someone on Christmas!
  • When Taylor is introduced to Meg and Brian, Meg says she's not impressed because she's met Dan Aykroyd. Brian asks her which cast member of Hee Haw she is.
  • The family streaming Braveheart at a movie theater, complete with snacks and drinks from home.
  • Peter makes one of his passengers wait for hours while he does several stupid, slow errands like getting his hair cut or going to a yoga class. When there's only 20 minutes left, Peter says he can't get him to the airport that fast and calls him a Lyft driver instead, who for some reason looks like another Peter.
    Lyft!Peter: Hope you like The Offspring!
  • Chris makes Taylor a collage of her favorite things, including pictures of Kanye West with his mouth shut.
  • Taylor ends her hate song about Chris with "Oh, and some animals give him boners." Balloons and confetti then drop.
  • Chris ends up becoming a meme after Taylor's song is posted.
    Photo of Chris: You Done Swifted Up
  • Swifts song writing team turns out to be two super-old Jewish guys who just sings about traditional deli food, Swift just replaces the food items with "boys".
  • The Internet Police arrest Stewie and Brian for sending a tweet that Broad City is just okay.
    • They end up in a jail cell with a guy who said that Caitlyn Jenner wasnt brave or beautiful, which frightens Stewie.
  • "Your house is nicer than Anne Murray's. We broke in there, too."
  • Peter stops a gang of cab drivers from beating him by holding a medallion with Judd Hirsch's picture on it.
  • Peter showing up to pick up Brian, Stewie and Chris still beaten and bloodied from the taxi driver attack, in the smoking wreck of Brians car.
    Peter: (slurred) How many tooths is not enough tooths?
  • Peter ends the episode as if it's The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, complete with a parody of the Carson Enterprises logo.
  • The remake of The Princess Bride with Bill Cosby, but the scene with the poisoned cups is replaced with a scene with cups with cocaine or date rape drugs in them.

275. - Hot Shots

  • The episode begins with the family watching a "Rational Geographic" tv documentary.
    Upon realizing a trip to Africa would be smelly and gross, our crew decided to stay in the office.
  • Peter wants to make sure a bat Meg found in the house isn't really Grandpa Munster, so he tells the family to set up for a joke.
    Chris: Hey Grandpa, how did you sleep last night? (the bat obviously doesn't answer)
    Peter: See, if it was him, he'd have answered "Like I do every night, upside down!"
  • Peter attempts to kill the bat with a gun attached to a remote controlled helicopter, but it backfires due to the gun firing uncontrollably, and the bat stealing the gun afterwards. Then Peter reveals the bat also has a bunch of knives he gave him.
  • Peter dressing up as Lestat from Interview with the Vampire to "understand vampires" before he can catch the bat, only to reveal its just him trying to reinvent himself because a guy at work told him he dresses badly. When he comes back home the next day, he reveals he's been labeled a distraction and they're going to have a meeting about him.
  • "Are we taking a terrible 7 AM flight?"
  • Peter catches the bat watching Cinemax porn at 3 AM, so the bat changes to CNBC.
  • The cutaway of Peter narrating how he joined a cult after high-fiving a "Don't Walk" sign. In the next scene, he high-fives Stewie's x-ray.
    • The reason Peter didnt commit mass suicide with the rest of the cult? He doesnt like root beer so he didnt drink his.
  • Dr. Hartman says he used to work at the hospital.
  • After realizing this episode is going to be a Lois story, Stewie tells the viewers Game of Thrones is on.
  • Act one ends with Peter running around town yelling that both the Wachowski brothers are now women.
  • Peter says he's going to pet a bunch of dogs without asking.
    Brian: Don't do that, we don't like it.
  • A man confuses Lois' anti-vaccine demonstration with someone selling a bullhorn.
    • The guy who bought the bullhorn later announces the city's under quarantine with it.
  • Peter's anti-vaccination PSA.
    Narrator: Paid for by Megs College Fund!
  • Stewie gets so paranoid about getting sick, he covered Chris in Saran Wrap and makes Brian wear high heels.
    Chris: I'm a gas station sandwich!
  • "Man, there is a lot of bad art in these hallways."
  • Joe argues with a wheelchaired state policeman, who then argues with a wheelchaired FBI agent, but a crossing guard who can walk says he has power over all three.
  • Peter destroyed all the vaccines in town as The Joker.
    Peter: What else did I have to do today? Ah, yes, overdose in my apartment.
  • After Meg asks if Peter was born in Mexico, he says that no one remembers it.
  • "I think I can keep down deviled eggs."
  • Brian spots a The Family Circus dotted line showing where Billy went before he died of measles.
    Brian: And here comes Marmaduke to lick up the vomit!
  • Sean Penn brings vaccines to the city because he thinks Rhode Island is a third world country.
  • John Goodman getting a physical. His EKG spells out "pancakes". When his doctor says he needs to go on a strict diet, Goodman refuses, and has two horses tied to his legs make it look like he can walk under his own power.
  • Stewie getting robbed by himself from the future who has become a glue-snorter and steals his glue.

276. - High School English

A - The Great Gatsby

  • The disclaimer at the opening view: Long Island Used to Be Fancy
  • Stewie (Nick) complaining about the loud jazz music from Gatsby's party, but is glad that atleast scatting over jazz hasnt been invented yet. Cue it being invented that very night.
  • Women aren't allowed to ask questions yet.
    Flapper: So, what's your name?
    Stewie (Nick): Madam, you forget yourself!
  • Nick noting that Gatsby was clearly playing with himself with his hand in his pocket.
  • The scene where Gatsby and Nick are looking at the green light across the bay from Daisy's house, one of the most famous scenes from the novel.
    Stewie: I hate to burst your bubble, but that light is from a gay gym called The Pumphouse. I-I only know that because of a coupon I found in my rental.
  • "Yeah, lot of weird coincidences for an American classic, huh?"
  • Lois (Daisy) saying that Nick's vacation home is small and ugly.
    Stewie: Well it's not that palace of domestic abuse you live in.
  • Stewie takes the credit of making deviled eggs when the devil made them.
  • Lois (Daisy) throwing Jay (Brian)'s shirts around.
    Brian: Were you this crazy when we dated before?
  • Stewie says that they're just going to cut the parts about him dating Jordan (Meg.)
  • Peter (Tom) lampshading some of the rather bizarre parts of the original novel.
    Peter: I invited you here and sat you next to my wife to tell you to stay away from my wife! *to the whole table* You know what we should do? We should drunkenly drive into Manhattan and get a hotel room and have the same conversation we're having here-I'm starting to think this isnt a very good book.
  • Peter's illicit affair with the mechanic Wilson's (Joe) wife.
    Peter: (tosses money to Joe) Have fun raising my bastard!
  • Tom (Peter) honks his car horn to see if they're in "the funny horn era".
    Peter: (happily) It is!!

B - Huckleberry Finn

  • Huckleberry Finn (Peter) playing real life Angry Birds (due to the story being set in the 1800s) by taking a bird and flinging it towards pigs.
  • Peter specifying that he's playing Huck Finn and Chris is playing Tom Sawyer.
  • Huck complaining when the Widow Liebner (Lois) tells him to go to church because he's already been to church three times that day.
  • Peter tells Jim (Cleveland) he skipped a stone six times and gets mad when he thinks Jim doesnt belive him. Jims thoughts reveals that he did see it and it was amazing, but he's not telling Huck because Huck claims he didnt see Jim hit an apple core into a trash basket from far away.
  • Jim and Huck running into the two con artists on the river (Quagmire and Joe)
    Joe: Hi, we're fake-selling the Brooklyn Bridge!
    Quagmire: Dont call it fake-selling!
    Joe: We're real-selling the Brooklyn Bridge!
    Quagmire: Stop qualifying the selling!
  • Huck asking Jim if that word is okay to say if its spelled with an "A" at the end.
  • Tom Sawyer (Chris) says he's going to a Rush concert because they wrote a song about him. At the end, when Jim has been freed, all three characters end up going to the concert.
    Mark Twain: Hi, I'm Mark Twain. Pretty cool book, huh?

C - Of Mice And Men

  • George (Stewie) and Lenny (Chris) plan is to open a Steelers themed bed and breakfast.
  • Slim (Peter) gives Stewie and Chris a job because three of his ranch hands got squished.
  • Slim asking if they've ever done this kind of work before.
    George: Have we pulled an object off a plant and placed it in a burlap sack? Yeah, I think we grasp the nuances of this job.
  • When Slim asks Lenny to tell him about himself, he says "I like to kill animals and then a lady".
  • "As you can tell by the 'well, well, well', he's the bad guy."
  • Curly calling Lenny "Hodor".
  • After Chris breaks Curly's (Quagmire) hand, Stewie asks to leave early for a dental appointment.
  • Stewie's lax reaction to Chris saying "everything is my head is screaming"
  • Chris asking if he can touch himself while Stewie is gone.
    Stewie: Again, you dont have to schedule that with me.
  • The abrupt ending after Stewie shoots Chris.
    Stewie: Good night, kids. Good luck with those book reports. (walks off)
  • Brian getting killed in all three stories.

277. - Carter and Tricia

  • The game show Are We Talking About Jake Gyllenhaal or Jared Leto?
    Host: I somehow manage to look ripped and deathly ill at the same time.
  • Igor complains that Doctor Frankenstein shouldn't have made a guy.
  • After finding out that Peter works at the brewery, new owner Carter makes him "the guy with the ski tan who doesn't talk about it".
    • Then Carter gives him a standing desk and forces him to talk about it to the "chair people" and tell them sitting kills three times a day.
  • While visiting Channel 5, Peter discovers that Ollie Williams is also a Standing Desk Guy.
    Ollie: SITTIN'S BAD!
  • Joe revokes Brian's driver's license, so he calls an Uber home. His driver? Joe.
  • "Good night, gender-transitioning co-worker we had a whole meeting about."
  • Carter hopes the reporter that interviews him is Kermit the Frog in a trenchcoat.
  • After Tricia interviews Carter, Peter tries to hide from him through Clark Kenting... and it works!
    Carter: Hello citizen! Have you seen Peter?
  • Barbara's been admitted to a sanitorium after Carter says he's leaving her for Tricia. Carter says that "sanitarium" is a strange word because that place was a filthy hellhole.
  • The driving safety video, featuring Stewie in all the roles.
    Brian: Stewie, is this about mouth stuff while driving?
    Stewie: It's about all types of driving safety, yes.
  • Jesus talking to his son.
  • Peter playing chess in the style of a Japanese game show. A woman is whipping his scrotum while the host is laughing through a picture-in-picture.
    Peter: I DONT KNOW WHICH WAY THE HORSE GOES!! Why is that guy laughing at me?! Where is he?! *timer buzzes* This was on a time limit?! Nobody told me that! (is sprayed by several midgets with fire extinguishers)
    Host: Time for Good Door, Bad Door!
    Peter: *is dragged off by two goons* How bad is the bad door?!
    • Several decades later, a now elderly, quadruple amputee Peter is regaling his life story to his grandson.
    Grandson: How bad was the Bad Door, Grandpa Peter?
    Peter: Not too bad, but shortly after, I was almost eaten alive by an escalator! *the timer suddenly buzzes again* THE GAME IS STILL GOING?!
    Host: *a now elderly host appears again* Ohhh, you lose chess! *the grandson sprays Peter with another extinguisher*
  • "Let me just burp through my nose for a second, I've been drinking seltzer."
  • After it's revealed that Tricia only slept with Carter as part of her expose on the brewery, we learn that Chris got an internship at Channel 5 and tries to record 20 seconds of room tone.
    Carter: What's room tone?
    Chris: Dang it, now we gotta start again.
  • "Coming up: Nicki Minaj... is a bear?"
  • The founder of the Boy Scouts.
    Powell: Ma'm, I'd like to take your son into the woods!
    Mother: What? That sounds suspicious.
    Powell: What if I told you we'd be wearing shorts and handkercheifs and I'll give him patches for doing what I say?
  • After Brian says he'll be able to go to dog parties again, the cutaway that follows is done in the style of the kids' book "Go, Dog. Go!" which ends on a weird note because one of the dogs is sad that Chris Farley O.D'd.
  • Tricia's mother complains that Tricia's not married and compares her to Connie Chung and Maury Povich.
    • She also complains that Tricia doesnt have any children, so there will be no one to take care of her when she's 120 years old.
  • At the end of the episode, Stewie tells Brian he owes him a favor... then asks to go out for ice cream.
  • After Peter messes up his rental tux by vomiting, defecating and climaxing at the same time in it, he returns it by throwing it at the clerk in a leaky garbage bag.

278. - How the Griffin Stole Christmas

  • How David Lynch Stole Christmas, marking the first appearance of David Lynch on a Seth MacFarlane show since The Cleveland Show ended.
    Kid: I dont understand...
    Lynch: Thats the point, let the fear wash over you! Also, did you leave a plate of black coffee out for me?
    Kid: No?
    Lynch: In the future, please leave a plate of black coffee out for me. Also in the past.
  • The second passion of Jesus Christ was sledding.
    Jesus: Eat this, for this is my dust!
  • Stewie saying that the only reason he has a Dora the Explorer sled is because they got it at a yard sale.
  • "The last time I checked, this was still The United States of Tara!"
    Stewie: Obscure reference...
  • Mayor West is closing off the hill due to parents suing the city for their children getting head injuries when they crash into cars parked beneath it. When Peter talks him out of it, West takes a sled ride down, only to immediatly crack his skull against a car too.
  • Joe using one of his many bedpans as a sled.
    Peter: You make every activity incredibly sad.
  • Peter and the kids's Go Pro videos while sledding on a dining room table.
  • Stewie says he always gets amused whenever Brian wears pants.
  • Peter playing "Talk To Someone Else's Wife In A Bikini Until They Cover Up Uncomfortably". After talking to Bonnie and getting annoyed that she covered her chest after about two seconds, Peter covers HIMSELF when he talks to Quagmire.
  • "Well, we got $60. Let's see what kind of Chinese pressboard garbage we can get to replace my grandmother's priceless mahogany table."
  • Chris wants to sit on Santa's lap. First Peter tells him he's way too old, but when Chris explains that he wants to ask for a family trampoline, Peter enthusiastically encourages him.
  • Peter getting sad when the guy running the Santa's Village calls him "hefty".
  • The cutaway of Peter's Farmers Only dot com date.
    Peter: Are you the gross lady who livs in the converted horse trailer?
    Peter: It doesn't say "whites only", but... yeah.
  • "And before you cry to your mom, that's my cell phone you're feeling."
  • Amongst Peter's freebies he gets as the mall Santa: A personalized license plate that says "Corey".
  • Stewie says that there's a white elephant going on. Not the gift exchange, a fat secretary in white is making out with anyone.
  • Peter forcing a traffic cop to eat a ticket he was going to put on his car.
  • The 1-877-Kars-4-Kids jingle in an opera style.
    Peter: I lost my virginity to this song.
  • Stewie and Brian robbed the houses of every gay man in Quahog the night Wicked premiered in town.
  • The first few moments of Santa meeting (a very drunk) Peter is spent explaining that Santa isnt a genie.
  • After meeting the real Santa, Peter is surprised to learn he's fatter.
  • The little drummer boy in his Neil Peart phase.
  • Santa's revenge at Peter? Texting Joe as Peter and forcing him to go to Build-A-Bear Workshop.
    • Peter strikes back by replacing one of his reindeer with a normal one, which an elf cuts and it ends up in the Griffins' dining room.
    Chris: Yay, free horse!
  • Santa's gift to Peter after making up: A copy of the Penthouse Peter found in the woods when he was 12 with Vanessa Williams and George Burns on the cover, a callback to the earlier joke about Peter not asking for anything for Christmas that year when he found it.
  • Santa telling Peter he wasnt the worst Santa, Bill Cosby was.

279. - Passenger Fatty-Seven

  • Henry Ford marketing his Model T Ford car as a "jew flattener".
  • Peter crosses his eyes, but one iris goes into the other eye. A giant hand with a pencil then erases the pupil and draws it back on his correct eye.
    Peter: Thanks, sweat shop Korean animator, you've earned your nickel this week.
  • Peter has accidently doublebooked his trip with Lois trip to a timeshare, so he steals her cab and runs off, accidently taking her luggage instead of his own. Lois finds a blow-up doll of herself in Peter's luggage.
  • The montage of the boys with lesbian haircuts seeing San Francisco over "Come To My Window" by Melissa Ethridge just so they can get the gay jokes out of the way.
  • Joe with muscular arms saying he didn't expect San Francisco to have so many hills.
  • "Yes, I will have eight Dasanis and a J.D. Power and Associates."
  • Quagmire managed to build Hogwarts out of 10,000 Lego bricks while the plane was on autopilot. Joe later breaks the Dumbledore figure (who he thinks is Gandalf).
  • The plane's communication breaks down, so Quagmire uses a back-up: two tin cans and a string.
  • Peter's remake of Inside Out with Peter as Poo.
  • "Coming up in the midday news, a couple in their 30s get married without their dog in the wedding. You won't believe their story."
  • Not only is this episode a parody of hijacking movies, but there's also the obligatory anxious businessman who wants the hijacking to end quickly... because he turns out to be a standby at the end of act two after the group of hijackers are defeated.
    • There's also a guy who's sleeping through this at the beginning of act three. Peter wakes him up so he won't sleep through his own death.
  • The parody of the opening to The Golden Girls with the wives and Ida as the girls when Lois wonders what their lives will be like if their husbands die.
    Stewie: Oh my god, now I want dad to die!
  • When Joe opens the landing gears to suck the hijacker out of the plane, he tells Peter to hang on to something. Peter accidently grabs on to his own belt.
  • Quagmire tells the passengers they're flying over Yosemite National Park during the hijacking.
  • The hijackers plan to crash the plane in Vegas because they hate Rita Rudner.
  • Quagmire is confused about exactly what nationality the hijackers are after one of them talks about putting custard on dumplings.
  • "You know, we never did nail what region you guys are from."
  • After defeating the last hijacker by doing a barrel roll after turning on the "fasten seat belt" sign, he finds that all the passengers haven't buckled their seat belt.
  • At the end, Peter announces they were flying Spirit Airlines.

280. - Gronkowsbees

  • For starters, any Rob Gronkowski joke this troper may have missed.
  • The Bone Zone, a version of the NFL Red Zone channel, but showing all the sex scenes on TV.
    Host: Over on Game of Thrones we have a malnourished albino plowing a girl in a hot tub as he names dragons. Oh, there's a Bone Zone Alert for Girls, which we'll ignore cause it's Gabby Hothman Donald Duck'ing it.
  • Peter having breakfast in bread. He's somehow baked himself inside a loaf of bread and makes lots of bad puns.
    Lois: Peter, I dont know what this is but we're 4 months behind on our mortgage.
  • Peter subscribing to the Dangerous Idiot newslaetter, which has a story on how to tailgate speeding firetrucks to get places faster.
  • When Brian tells Stewie he doesnt have time to play tea party with him, Stewie asks him exactly what he's busy with and Brian cant think of anything.
  • Stewie began beekeeping because Lois missed the registration for soccer.
  • The cutaway about an 8th grader who just got laid for the first time... except it turns out he was actually molested by a priest, yet everyone still treats it as a sexual conquest. And the PRIEST is the one crying.
    Priest: He said he loved me!
  • Peter noticing that Cleveland has a bald spot with his drone, "Drone Of Arcadia".
  • The drone's camera captures Adam West diving in to a swimming pool in his suit.
  • Peter's drone gets raped by an eagle.
    Joe: Look at that pervert squirrel just watching!
    • In the next scene, we find out it wasn't intentional.
  • "Oh my God, he's dead and his face and ears are missing!"
  • Peter proclaims that Rob Gronkowski is "America's most athletic Polish."
  • Peter's new mailman is Lou Ferrigno. Peter isn't happy about it due to the moment being outshone by Gronkowski.
    Peter: On any other day, that would be exciting. Now give me my mail and go.
  • Peter's welcome gift to Rob is the Cool Ranch he scraped of 15 bags of Doritos. Cleveland brought the middles of Oreos.
    Peter: I dunno, I thought he could eat it by the fistful or rub it on his balls.
  • Rob's not good at learning names, so he calls everyone "Grover".
  • The cutaway of Peter doing Marley and Me.
    Peter: Aw, my nightmare dog is dead. Marley and me.
  • The ridiculous nonsense in Rob's house, such as a jaccuzi filled with coffee (sponsored by Dunkin Donuts), a pool full of Alphabet Soup (sponsored by Campbell) and a shower that sprays Monster Energy drink (sponsored by Monster).
    Cleveland: Why do you keep saying what everything is sponored by?
    Rob: My manager said if I dont, I wont go to heaven. Sponsored by SMS Audio Sweatproof Headphones.
  • The farmer's market features Jerome confused about what's going on.
    Jerome: What is this, a vegetable parking lot?
  • "Dan Cortese was the only thing affected in the world by Y2K."
  • Rob introduces Peter to his brothers and father, but says he's not sure which one of them is his dad.
    Peter: Probably the grey haired one with the whiskey sunburn.
  • Rob and his brothers doesnt have a biological mother, they're the result of their dad having sex with a side of beef.
  • Thanks to steroids, Barry Bonds' head is a pumpkin.
  • Rob threw a bus at Peter.
  • Rob towel whipping Peter twice in the crotch when he asks him to stop the party. When Peter cuts away to a gag about the War Of Independence, Rob somehow shows up there too and whips him again.
  • The cutaway of Joe complaining about the Italian restaurant he's at with Peter.
  • Cleveland says his leprechaun disguise is his Easter clothes.
    • Rob realizes it's a disguise... and rips off his mustache.
  • To distract the steroid-laced bees, Brian texts Meg.
  • Peter hopes that Wilson will move back and give him homespun wisdom over the fence.
    Lois: Peter, that was Home Improvement.
    Peter: It's exhausting that you never go with anything I say.
  • At the end, another bus crashes through the roof.

281. - Peter's Def Jam

  • The gang bird watching. The bird they're watching: Larry Bird.
    Cleveland: What do they eat?
    Peter: Gin and whatever's in the bowl at the airport bar.
  • Meg's new haircut.
  • "If I wanted to hear a black guy rambling on, I'd watch Family Feud."
  • "I'd like to thank our sponsor, the U.S. Postal Service. If you want something expensive thrown on your porch and stolen, you want the U.S. Postal Service."
  • Brian freaks out over a pop-up book of a bird.
  • Peter hiding from Lois in Stewie's crib because Lois is making him wash his hands after he poops.
  • The club owner asking Peter what the song he's playing is.
    Peter: I dunno, it's just random garbage on my computer.
    Owner: Great, you must be a DJ! I own a club for cocaine people and Armenians, would you like to play for me?
  • Peter hides a melody by adding the sound of power tools.
    Peter: Yeah, I'd drink vodka and Gatorade to that!
  • Brian and Stewie playing Tom Sizemore's Game Of Life.
    Stewie: Sell rights to Saving Private Ryan residuals for a case of Coors Light.
    Brian: Steal your son's wallet while he's in the shower.
    Stewie: Seems like we should be moving these pieces backwards.
    • Another one of the cards is "scoop up urine from public urinals to pass drug test". Later on, Peter says he saw Sizemore in the bathroom of the dance club.
  • Stewie says they have a recurring flea problem. Cue Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
    Stewie: Get out of here, Flea! You're not welcome here! And put on a shirt, you're 50!
  • The gang robbing a bank wearing masks of lesser-known presidents. Joe gets mad because the bank teller thinks he should have been FDR because of the wheelchair.
  • Peter realizes he's gone deaf not because he can't hear Lois rambling about him staying out late or Meg screaming in pain because she's on fire. He realizes it because he can't hear a Garfield cartoon playing on the TV.
  • Peter asks Joe to spell a questions using Alpha Bits, except for the letter Ls because he ate them all.
  • It turns out Lois isn't allergic to Brian. Peter stuffed some pillows with hay because he thinks it's comfortable.
  • At the end, the gang watches Joe play Big Buck Hunter, despite not being able to see the screen.
    Peter: We didn't even put quarters in the game. He don't know.
    • This is a Call Back to earlier in the episode, where Joe was playing Golden Tee Golf.
    Peter: He's just cycling through clubs.

282. - The Finer Strings

  • Peter said he performed "I'm A Yankee Doodle Dandy" while catching babies and guessing their weight at his high school talent show.
    Lois: Did that really happen?
    Peter: No, I just lip-synced "Born To Run".
  • Cataract quiz: Which of two pixelated pictures is Jessica Chastain? The answer: Neither. They're both Carrot Top.
  • After King Arthur pulled the sword from the stone, it let out a long fart.
    Stone: Sorry, it's been like 500 years!
  • Peter and Quagmire lift Joe into the booth. Joe sinks and Peter decides to have Cleveland and Quagmire lift Joe up again so he can play a few notes as Joe sinks.
  • Carter has Brian read comic strips.
    Brian: The Wizard of Id is addressing his subjects.
    Carter: Is he up in the balcony?
    Brian: Yes.
    Carter: Then you know it's a good one.
  • Peter gets caught using a fake ID with Kathy Bates' picture on it.
    Cashier: (calls his manager) That lady who ate all the pies is back.
  • When Carter's eyes have recovered, Dr. Hartman asks him to find Waldo in a Where's Waldo? book.
  • "Whatever you're going to say next, I bet it's wrong."
  • Woody catching Buzz Lightyear in bed with Bo Peep.
    Bo Peep: Um... you've got a friend in me?
  • Peter's commercial for Fat Guys Deodorant.
    Peter: Apply every 5 minutes and you're good for 5 minutes!
  • After picking up his dry cleaning, Quagmire tests a bag for autoerotic asphyxiation.
  • Peter's violin tutor turns out to be Mr Washy-Washy. True to form, his teaching methods are basically torture.
  • Peter says Lois takes too long to get ready for a night out. The cutway is Lois forcing him to admit it's really him because he doesn't like how he looks.
  • Brian gets Stewie to go along with his plan to re-blind Carter by telling him Carter said he didnt think Stewie could be a member of One Direction.
    Stewie: I'm pretty sure you're manipulating me, but let's go blind that old bastard.
  • The liquid Stewie uses to blind Carter is just tap water from Flint, Michigan. After he says it, we cut to Stewie punching a poster reading "Things Stewie Can't Say".
  • Stewie pulls a lever for a hasty wrap-up to end the subplot.
  • The episode ends with a montage of photos of the gang drunk at a wedding reception to "December, 1963 (Oh What A Night)".

283. - The Dating Game

  • Throughout the first few scenes, Joe keeps baiting the others to ask about his sister, and they refuse to fall for it.
  • "Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, tonight's second story."
  • Tom Tucker talking about the Medieval Castle location going out of business.
    Tom: Yeah, it's a surprise that a restaurant where you eat with your hands next to piles of horse manure while untrained theater students fight with real swords is drowning in lawsuits.
  • Peter as the only white guy at a White Castle.
    Peter: Misleading name...
  • Al Harrington is the auctioneer for the Medieval Castle auction.
    • Harrington mentioning that the Castle is really just a fiberglass front on top of an old muffler store.
  • The ridiculous offers Mayor West and Peter makes at the auction, such as two bits (25 cents), a mystery bag that might contain either money or socks, and a box that might contain a mystery bag.
  • The gang charges into a lamp store and breaks everything after the owner cancels the store insurance, and the owner kills himself in despair. To add on to the irony, his wife just cancelled her husband's life insurance.
  • As the gang prepares to shoot flaming arrows, Peter says "Archers". Carl opens a window and says "Yeah?"
  • Dr. Hartman enters reading a Highlights magazine.
    Dr. Hartman: What's the difference between these two pictures? Oh yeah, the pie's had a wedge removed.
  • Act one ends with Quagmire asking Scott Baio, Scott Khan, and "douchebag music director" Scott Storch if they knew about Tinder.
    Joe: Quagmire, all the Scotts know about Tinder.
  • Quagmire tries to set up a huge detailed Tinder profile, but Peter tells him to put up a selfie of himself wearing an open bathrobe covering his crotch with hundred-dollar bills. He then tries to respond to a Tinder match with a long letter, but Peter tells him to just send a text with the emoticons of an eggplant and an erupting volcano.
  • "Alright, everyone take a gander at The Elephant Man."
  • A woman in a Porsche Cayenne actually runs over Stewie as she was smelling her farts.
  • The montage of Quagmire on Tinder.
    "Note: Quagmire's still having sex. He's just not wearing condoms."
  • Quagmire picking yes on "Hot Girl", "Kinda Cute Girl", "Meh Girl", "Might Just Be a Dude", "Definetly a Dude" and "Gerard Deperdieu".
  • Quagmire realizes he's hit rock bottom when one of his hookups is a female monster from Where the Wild Things Are.
  • Stewie said he had the chance to sit behind home plate in Fenway Park. The next scene is Stewie saying he passed on it.
  • By the end of act two, Tinder has turned Quagmire into Gollum.
    Cleveland: The way he's crouching, there's a teste poking out.
  • Peter after a day at the beach. He's a got a black eye because he spanked a kid.
  • After Peter takes his phone, Quagmire keeps swiping on the microwave door.
  • The "Tinder Make You So Gross" song.
  • Brian calls the cable company to make them air two hours of Showtime for free.
  • The end of the subplot: Stewie with a back brace and a string of chili pepper lights on it.
  • Quagmire's Good Angel, Bad Angel fight goes to a second dimension as the Good Quagmire has his own Good and Bad Quagmire.
  • The episode ends with Peter, Joe, and Cleveland kicking soccer balls with a $200 prostitute.

284. - Cop And A Half-Wit

  • The Terminator, but with him telling people he needs to have sex with their housekeepers to stop Skynet.
    House Owner: I think you're just modern-day Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  • Joe's current job at the police station is to edit out security footage of cops peeing all day from the footage from the dashboard cameras. He uses what he edited out for compilations for cops' birthdays.
    • And the station's gerbil outranks him.
  • A male pig trying on lipstick at a store and almost getting caught by his wife.
  • Peter wipes a booger on the police car's roof saying it's a 70s siren.
  • Joe as a magician's assistant in the sawing a man in half trick.
    Joe: (after he can't wiggle his toes) That's what I've been trying to tell you before the show.
  • Larry, the Self-Loathing Idiot, glad to learn he has three months to live.
  • Peter working out with a punch bag with Dave Matthews' head. After realizing it's not annoying enough, he switches to one with David Lee Roth's head.
  • "So these are the wife-beaters of tomorrow."
  • A montage of Peter and Joe fighting crime to "No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn" featuring:
    • The boys accidentally kicking open the door of a space shuttle.
    • A section of Peter unzipping himself in disguises (such as a hooker and a truck filled with flat screen televisions), leading to one where they're both each other, then Peter unzipping the background revealing The Simpsons!
    • The last scene from The Naked Gun with Peter and Joe's face editing out Frank and Nordberg's.
  • Mayor Adam West prepares to eat a cobb salad in a briefcase during a press conference.
  • Orson Welles deliberately telling people at a McDonald's to flee because the alien invaders said they're coming for them first (but not the staff).
  • Peter demands a Discman in the evidence locker. Afterwards, it's revealed he's really Quagmire as a Call Back of the above montage, but he didn't see it.
  • At the start of act three, Peter demands a minute to grab stuff from Joe's house, "like on Supermarket Sweep."
    Peter: I didn't need the whole minute. Your stuff sucks.
  • After his concussion, Stewie has one pupil larger than the other and thinks a phone is ringing.
  • After Chris knocks Stewie unconscious to "let him sleep off his concussion", we get to see Stewie's head trauma dream; he stars in one of the vintage Tootsie Roll commercials.
  • The designated Shriver.
    Drunk: Hey, is there a skeleton in a wig who can drive me home?
    Maria Shriver: Yeah, I'm here.
    The Terminator: Look at this mess! Where is the housekeeper?!
    • "Ow! They're beating me with vaping accesories!"

285. - Saturated Fat Guy

  • Peter says he's not watching Food Kills, the DVD Lois got as a fundraising gift.
  • Cleveland watched Tyler Perry's version. "It's the same movie, but starring black actors you've never heard of, and white actors you used to hear of but not anymore."
  • The PBS website is "www. double-u double-u double-u dot pbs dot com .com".
    Host: There was a miscommunication when we registered our domain name.
  • Droopy after his facelift.
    Droopy: (with a gigantic grin) Contrary to my appearance, I'm still not happy. (aims a gun at his chest) Please study my brain to prevent others from suffering like I have. (iris out, stopping just before he shoots himself)
  • "Meg's talking to a boy!"
  • The rollerderby coach keeps trying to hand Meg various notes and schedules relating to the sport, but he always gives her papers identifying him as a sex offender.
    Coach: I'm just gonna stop handing you stuff.
  • The twist in the last M. Night Shamalayan movie: Someone bought tickets for it.
  • The comically unhealthy grilled cheese sandwich Peter makes in his car; it contains hot dogs, peanut butter, Doritos and the insides of a Cadbury egg.
  • Peter's body rejects quinoa, and we see inside Peter's body that it's being kept out of a nightclub by a bouncer, who lets in two gummy bears dressed in skimpy clothing.
  • The roller derby coach asks if there's a couch with wheels trying out because it happened last year. Sure enough, one of the tryouts is a couch with wheels and a wig.
  • Peter is confused over whether Donna or Roberta is Cleveland's wife.
  • The horn for Peter's "Eat My Junk" food truck is him laughing to the tune of "La Cucaracha".
  • Bruce drinking a milkshake with a hot dog as a straw on his knees.
    Peter: I'm glad for the business but you drinking that on your knees is just putting a hat on a hat.
  • "This season is brought to you by Barry's Note Cards. When you need to remind yourself of the sponsor, use Barry's Note Cards."
  • "Make some noise if you're mixing prescription drugs with alcohol!"
  • Peter giving Chris a bowl of cereal thats just M&Ms and Dr. Pepper.
  • Chris as a skeet shooting target.
    Skeet Shooter: Pull!
    Chris: I got in the wrong line! (skeet shooter shoots him)
  • Peter thinking of a picture of Bridgitte Nielsen smoking in a park.
  • Chris stabs himself in the neck with a pair of scissors after Peter says he runs like a girl. Then we cut to his funeral, where Peter buried him in a dress.
    Peter: Run like a man, you get a suit.
  • Joe pointing out that Peter has put on weight while living in the food truck because his elbows are starting to pucker.
  • The gang getting excited over the Bing street view car driving past their street.
  • Morgan Freeman narrates the end of both plots: No one watched the second half of the roller derby finals because they were all watching a fat kid play Dance Dance Revolution and Peter was immortalized on Bing street view naked, hanging from a harness, and getting hosed clean.
    Freeman: Dance, you fat bitch.

286. - Peter's Lost Youth

  • Peter tuning a guitar in front of an audience.
    Peter: This was in perfect tune when they handed it to me.
  • Peter on an airport luggage carousel. He gets picked up and mistaken for a similar Peter wearing a red bowtie.
  • Joe tries to bribe Peter for the spare ticket with the Discman he wanted two episodes ago. It's still bloody.
  • Peter's tough decision about what to do with that watermelon he bought. He turned it into a pair of pants and a hat. Angela at work compliments it.
  • When Brian gives Peter good advice about who to bring to Boston (Lois), Peter rewards him with three new tennis balls. Brian is absolutely thrilled.
  • Lois telling the kids that one of the reasons she's going with Peter to Boston is to get time away from "you life-sucking turds".
  • "I'm gonna flush your retainer down the toilet."
  • Peter gives Lois his Discover card, which has a print of the Minions on it.
  • David Ortiz picks up Wade Boggs like a baby, then Peter puts a bonnet on Wade and a cigar in his mouth.
    Peter: Man, what happened to our game?
  • "Over there is where I threw a D-cell battery at Jose Canseco."
  • The only thing left on Peter's bucket list is living the Pueblo lifestyle.
    Peter: Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go lick a fleshy pale woman's foot for Real Sex 34.
  • Stewie writing erotic Dora the Explorer fanfiction.
  • "That's funny 'cause she's hot."
  • Peter's pants keep falling down when he moves too quickly.
  • Brian says he can't help Stewie because he ate a pot cookie. It kicks in after he says this.
  • All the players' ex-wives are a holding a banquet next door to the hall-of-famers' banquet.
  • The hall-of-famers wants Lois to sit with them because she's the only one there without a fist full of baseball cards for them to sign.
    Peter: I wasnt gonna have 'em signed, I was just gonna tell 'em their stats...
  • Lois is seated between Pedro Martinez and Ted Williams severed head.
  • Stewie slits open a dead horse for warmth. At a petting zoo.
    Stewie: Sorry, I forgot my jacket.
  • "I'll show you baseball, you sexually unsatisified wife!"
  • At the end of act two, Peter says he's going to be on SportsCenter. In the cutaway that follows, he's streaking on the set.
  • The arena physician doesnt have any medical training beyond telling the players to "walk it off".
  • Peter doing the Pete Rose Haircut.
    Peter: I bet you a thousand bucks I have a drinking problem.
  • Peter becomes addicted to chewing gum that comes with baseball cards.
    Peter: Mmm, it's like eating a Master Card.
  • "Subway: Please don't think of pedophelia!"
  • Brian's car radio is set to the Sirius XM preview station.
  • "You know what I'm getting tired of saying? 'My husband did this to me, but it's not what you think.'"
  • "Crap, now we gotta find Stewie and write a puppet show!"
  • As Peter runs to first base, his brain gets a phone call from his muscle saying they're shutting him down.
    Chris: Look, dad's planking from eight years ago.
  • Peter narrates what happened after his at bat: No one saw it because the third baseman had a coronary, and as they drove home, the puppet show the kids performed caused Peter to crash his car, injuring Lois' other leg.

287. - The Peter Principal

  • Sesame Street on HBO: Cookie Monster eating out Big Bird's ass in his trademark "nom-nom" style.
  • Joe explains that "In The Air Tonight" is about a guy watching another guy drown and that Phil Collins wrote it and performed it so they could arrest the guy. Then he checks Snopes and says that none of that happened.
  • Brian complaining about how he cant focus on writing with all the noise in the neighborhood.
    Stewie: Oh yes, that's what Ernest Hemingway said. "This Spanish Civil War is so loud, I cant get any writing done!"
  • The entire cutaway of Brian on the Night's Watch.
    Peter: Hey Brian, I'm that boring storyline about the fat guy watching that girl.
  • Meg finds the Ark of the Covenant in her locker and her face melts.
    Bully: Haha, Meg is so stupid, she couldnt handle the glory of God's love!
  • Principal Shepherd is going through a nasty divorce, and brings his problems to school. Among other things, he's sleeping in his car, and has a breakdown over having listened to his wife having sex with the ADT guy over the phone when she buttdialed him.
  • At the PTA meeting, Peter gives another guy his pre-chewed gum.
  • Peter leading Simon Says.
    Peter: (to Art Garfunkel) Simon says "leave the band."
  • George Takei's unconvincing attempts at looking straight back when he was still in the closet.
  • When Peter introduces himself as interim principal, he does the Ice Bucket Challenge. Three years after it stopped being relevant, which is just in time for a principal.
    Peter: This is for you, guy who's probably already dead.
  • In the subplot, Stewie and Brian start a bed and breakfast, only to realize that their only customers are guys who rent rooms to have sex with hookers. Stewie decides to just embrace it and turn the place into a brothel. Brian refuses, but immediatly changes his mind when Stewie shows him a stack of money. Adam West is watching Brian agree to it in mid-sentence in his comedy crystal ball.
    Adam West: Haha, I'm telling you that dog is very easily persuaded. Now let's see what's going on over at the old high-school!
  • Peter attempting to smash a desk with a baseball bat, but ends up knocking the whole shelf over and the whole display turns into him trying desperatly to stand back up while slipping on the bats on the floor. At one point, his shirt gets torn off when it gets caught on a shelf hook.
  • Peter telling a kid to salute the American flag.
    Peter: Loads of people fought for that thing, including yours truly!
    Kid: You were in the service?
    Peter: ...I may have misunderstood what "yours truly" means.
  • Peter's 1980s crime series, Gary Ratowski: Hockey Cop.
    Peter: Uh oh, here come the real cops.
    Narrator: Hockey Cop: Not A Cop!
  • Brian trying to deliver pizza in New Orleans when a marching jazz band blocks his way.
    Band: We're all just blocking the street, we're all just blocking the street!
  • Peter as a place kicker fist bumping black guys.
  • Brian and Stewies business venture ends when the prostitutes decide to just take over the house and locks them out. In response, Stewie calls the cops on them, and the two watch the chaos from across the street.
  • "Most of what America is now is just boxes going back and forth."
  • Peter says next time he'll get back at bullies by fighting them in a parking lot.
    Peter: I'm planning on dying tonight. (punches himself in the face) What are your plans?

288. - Dearly Deported

  • Peter takes acid from a water park ride operator, thinking it's a Starburst.
    Ride Operator: Would you also like to ride the Skittles rainbow?
    Peter: Is it also acid?
    Ride Operator: Sir, I'm an adult who works at a waterpark. If I and you something, it's avid.
  • Brian and Meg ride a water slide together and Brian somehow ends up with his mouth in Meg's face.
    Adam West: Hey, you idiot, you gotta wait until the guy says go!
  • The Griffin's trip to Philadelphia: the flight got cancelled and everyone cheers.
    Caption: "This joke in loving memory of W.C. Fields"
  • Chris tries to talk to Isabella in what he thinks is her native language. However, he's speaking Korean. He then turns to the camera and says "that went well" in Korean. Cut to a live-action clip of a Korean family laughing.
  • Chris thinks the knocking on the window is Herbert.
    Herbert: It's not me, I'm in your closet!
  • Since Isabella's being deported, she gives her twins to Chris because Consuela is busy working as the new CEO of Yahoo.
  • At the end of act one, Chris names the twins "Juan" and "Two".
    Peter: ''(holding a book titled "Name Jokes For Mexicans") I'm glad he's reading the book.
  • Meg says Peter's reading the newspaper upside-down. Actually, Peter's head is upside-down.
  • Stewie working at the diner in the painting "Nighthawks".
    Stewie: They kicked me out of the War for kissing a guy.
  • Chris takes the twins to Whole Foods to buy healthy groceries, but when the tab ends up being 500$, Chris says they're just going to go to Jersey Mike's and hope future science will save them instead. Cut to the distant future where the twins and Chris are disembodied heads on robot bodies.
    Chris: Yay, we're jar people! *trips and his jar smashes open, causing his face to shrivel* AHHH! Science, help!!
    Commercial Host: Jersey Mike's! Bring your girlfriend with the fat ass in here!
  • CSI: Babies, a show about babies freaking out near a dead body. It freaks out Stewie to the point where he hides in a pillow fort and finds Peter for the same reason.
    Stewie: They cant solve this crime, they're just babies! They dont even know there's a crime, they just know their parents arent there!
  • "I got good news and I got ay-ay-ay news"
  • Peter hosting a confusing game show.
  • The Griffins drive to Mexico using the wrong stock footage.
  • Isabellas home village is named "Santa Terrible". The name is very apt.
  • Peter tries to summon El Chapo by speaking about eyebrows into the wind. It doesn't work, he gets Peter Gallagher and Mark Cuban instead.
    Peter: We're getting all the wrong eyebrow guys!
  • The last time Quagmire was out of town, Peter had to watch Quagmire's eggs and ended up being ambushed by mongeese.
  • After the mexican police steals their plane and car, Peter calls him a "fat, stupid guido". When Lois points out thats the wrong racial slur, he says that he was thinking of Snookie.
  • "Yeah, Donald Trump was right. His daughter is a hot piece of ass."
  • Chris covering for Peter's vehicular manslaughter.
  • Consuela is able to find the gang because the babies' ears where chipped for Consuela's "Donde Esta Mi Baby?" app. Also, it turns out they had managed to wander into Texas completely by accident. Quagmire points out that, politics aside, that is a problem.
    • On the drive home, they took a detour to Dollywood.
  • At the end, the entire family is ambushed by mongeese, who then steal the TV.

289. - A House Full of Peters

  • The episode starts with a commercial for Fruit Bouquets to send to someone you hate.
    Commercial Host: Fruit Bouquets, the rotting gift with flies on it!
    • Later on, Stewie sends Brian one for his birthday.
  • Lois left a list of hot commercial chicks in case Peter wants to know who that hot AT&T chick is. note 
  • Mrs. Butterworth's husband complains about how they didnt take his last name.
  • When Donna prank calls Cleveland, he's sitting on the toilet, crying and eating an entire pie.
    Cleveland: You're weak Cleveland! Worthless and weak!
    • Donna pretends to be Michelle Obama when calling.
  • "Hello. Don't say anything about the 1998 Oscars, I'm watching it right now."
  • Peter as an NFL announcer trying to care about what's on after the game.
    Peter: Madam Secretary, on toning at 10. *sighs* Is this the longest timeout ever?
  • Peter asking Lois if she's drunk enough to let him have "lazy Tony Soprano sex" where he just lies there and breathes like a dying whale.
  • A bag of Pop Secret tells Chris Orville Redenbacher and his son are gay. He doesn't believe it under Peter shows them kissing to Chris.
    Explanation Man: And that's how we get the expression "Gay as a bag of popcorn."
  • Peter impersonating a dial-up modem and the "You've Got Mail" voice.
  • Peter mentoring Kid Rock.
    Kid Rock: I just took a leak into a beer can without spilling.
    Peter: You're ready. You dont need me anymore.
    Kid Rock: Will I ever see you again?
    Peter: Wherever a father weighs less than his daughter, I'll be there. Wherever a person has a banner for a football team, I'll be there. Wherever there's a fight in a waffel house, I'll be there! Now go, people need a concert to go to after the waterpark!
  • At the end of act one, an ostrich is amongst Peter's children because he's at the wrong house. A group of ostriches laugh at this.
  • Peter and his kids fart the notes from Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
  • Stewie shoe-shames Peter's Bavarian son. He gets it because it just reached Germany.
  • Lois is depressed and being followed by a blob in old Zoloft commercials.
    Blob: Who would want to (bleep) me?
  • Larry apologizing for doodling swastikas on the place mat at lunch due to being nervous.
    Lois: I just wish we hadnt gone to a kosher restaurant.
  • After Lois explains that he kissed Peter's son Larry, Brian tries to lick her.
    Brian: Sorry, I thought you meant like, you're open for business?
    Lois: NO!! I'm confiding in a friend!
    Stewie: Haha! You're the safe friend!
  • "From that day forward, Peter and Lois never... oops, there's another scene left."
  • At the end, we see a sewer filled with alligators and rats, all of which laugh like Peter.
    Alligator/Rat/Peter Hybrid: We have fun down here.

    Deleted Scenes 
  • Quagmire's date with Lois
  • The deleted scene from "Christmas Guy" in which Stewie snipes Joe's arm bands so that he'll drown in his pool, before being sniped himself by Suzy Swanson.