Funny: Family Guy
- Whenever Brian acts like an actual dog.
Brian (tugging on rope): This is humiliating. I went to Brown, for God's sa—(spots squirrel running past, starts chasing and barking at it wildly until the rope snags him backward)Brian (confused): What the hell? The rope was longer, now it's shorter! What kind of black magic is this?
- From "Back to the Woods", when Brian, who is tied up to the pole because James Woods, who has recently stolen Peter's identity (and everything he has), does not like the fact that Brian is snooping around:
(zoomed out shot showing Brian coming out from behind the garage on all fours and chasing the mailman away)Brian: You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you!! But come back tomorrow, same time, b-because I get sad on Sundays when you're not here.
- From "12 and a Half Angry Men", when Quagmire harps on Brian, thinking that he knows how the judicial system works, when he can't even understand his relationship with the mailman.
Brian: (calling out from outside the window) Hello? Hello!Dog: Hello!Brian: Hey! Hey, are you a dog?Dog: Yeah, I am!Brian: I am also a dog!Dog: Yeah, we're both dogs!
- In "New Kidney in Town", Peter complains that he didn't get any sleep because Brian and the neighbor dogs kept him up all night.
Brian: Oh my god! (runs from one side of the couch to the other) Ooowwwooooowwwwooooooo! I'm matching the sound! Awwwwooooouuuuwwoooo!! (runs back and forth frantically) Is what I'm doing helping?!
- From "Quagmire's Quagmire" we have Brian's reaction to firetrucks
- Peter Griffin's epic fights with Ernie the Giant Chicken. And in reverse!
- The fact that Peter is always able to go right back to whatever he's doing afterwards, no matter how long and dragged out the fight was. Not to mention that the people he was talking to prior to the fight are just waiting for him to come back, and go right on with their conversations as if nothing happened.
- Adam West. Cloud Cuckoo Lander taken to extremes.
West: (seeing his own blood) Oh my God... I'm a tomato!
- I believe you mean ADAM WE.
- All of his scenes in the episode about gay marriage.
- "Perhaps it was the Noid...who should have avoided ME."
- "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm trying to get all the As out."
- "So it's a shouting contest you want, is it? Well, game on, Quahog! AAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAH! AAA- I'm beating you!"
- The Adam West song.
- And let's not forget the cat launcher, which is a crossbow with cats. It's as awesome as it sounds.
- Kebert Xela.
Child writing for elementary school newspaper: Mayor West, are you afraid of the dark?West: I thought I'd made it clear to you that asking me about the dark was off limits! This press conference is OVER!
- Adam West wanted all graves covered with concrete because he's afraid of zombies. "You'll thank me when no one eats our brains. You'll thank me." He later runs away screaming "zombie" after Quagmire comes out of his grave.
- Adam West's disastrous press conference in "Twelve and a Half Angry Men."
Adam West: The Bible declares, "an eye for an eye", so let us now take our vengeance against this murderous ocean." (takes out a knife and stabs a beach several times). You won't be hurting anyone anymore".
- "Old people are wizards in the future."
- Adam West giving a eulogy when Peter and his friends are lost at sea.
- The Running Gag, seen where Peter's latest contraption gashes a hole in Cleveland's house, making Cleveland, in his bathtub, come crashing to the ground.
Cleveland: No...no...NOOO!...I've got to stop taking a bath during Peter's shenanigans.
Peter: Oh yeah, Cleveland moved...
- And then after the premiere of The Cleveland Show, when the empty tub crashes down...
Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, no, nooooooo! * Falls*Tim the Bear: * Walks in screen* ...I don't get it.
- Made even FUNNIER than, in an episode, a missile launched by Mayor West STILL manages to land and hit Cleveland's house in his own show!
- And then the gag manages to be incorporated into "Something, Something, Something, Dark Side", when Cleveland as R2D2 falls into the Dagobah swamp.
- On The Cleveland Show, Cleveland's ex is in the tub and crashes with it, only she dies.
- The famous hurt knee.
Peter: [deep breath in] Bugger. [deep breath in] Bugger. [deep breath in] Bugger.
- In "FOX-y Lady", Lois's version appears in which she hurt her breast.
- And in Something, Something Dark Side, happens to an AT-AT.
- In "Viewer Mail 2", a variation of this appears, again with Peter, in the "Chap of the Manor" segment:
- The "sounds of the rain forest" cutaway (where Peter buys a "Sounds of the Rainforest" CD to help him sleep, only it also includes sounds of loggers cutting down the trees and talking about how Sting — who advocates rainforest preservation — sucks) certainly qualifies.
- Not to mention the "Sounds of the Studio Audience" commercial.
- And now here's Ollie Williams, with the BlaccuWeather forecast. Ollie?
Ollie: IT'S GON' RAIN!
Ollie: IT'S RAININ' SIDEWAYS!
- Thanks, Ollie.
- Also, Ollie's bit in the one with the hurricane:
Tom: Do you have an umbrella, Ollie?
Ollie: HAD ONE!
Tom: Where is it?
Ollie: INSIDE OUT, TWO MILES AWAY!
Tom" Well, can we get you anything?
Ollie: BRING ME SOME SOUP!
Tom: What Kind?
Tom: How are you beating the heat, Ollie?
- EGGO! That is all.
- I'M AT THE WRONG AIRPORT!
- WHO WANTS THIS DOG!?
- SPACE WEATHER!
- When Quahog is in the grip of a massive heatwave:
Ollie: (swings by on a tire swing) SWIMMIN' HOLE!
Tom: How does the weather look, Ollie?
- And in "420", when everyone gets stoned:
Ollie: (calmly) Not too bad.
Tom: Right on.
Tom: I can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home.
- HE GON' GET IT!
- In the movie:
Ollie: (from offscreen) DID YOU CHECK YOUR TCP/IP SETTINGS?!
Tom: Yes I did, Ollie.
Ollie: ENABLE COOKIES?!
Tom: Yes, Ollie.
Ollie: D'YOU WANT THIS DOG?!
Tom: No thank you, Ollie.
- The Kix cereal cutaway.
- Any time Joe yells.
Joe: "This is stupid. I wanna talk about VAGINAS!"Joe: "You're getting SLACKS!"Joe: 'You're starting to PISS ME OFF!!!"Joe: "Oh man, if I was a woman I'd press my bare boobs up against the glass in public, just for the SEXUAL THRILL! THE SEXUAL THRILL!!!"
- Meg abuse jokes at times are hilarious.
Meg: Hi, da-(gets shot)
- The DVD commentary tracks had some good bits:
Peter: Lois, get the fuck off my back. I swear, one of these days, I'm gonna backhand ya! Jesus Christ.
- Seth curses as Peter (keep in mind, this is before strong language was commonplace in the show, so at the time, it was hilarious hearing Peter say the F word)
- In the commentary for "Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story", during the Ferris Bueller's Day Off parody, Seth mentions how he always found it annoying that Ferris was falling from his jump in slow motion while everyone else was regular speed. It's funny 'cause it's true.
- In the later seasons, we have the repeated Take That 's aimed at Florida, such as Peter mistaking The University Of Florida for a Downs Syndrome summer camp, the state being fingered as a haven for sex offenders, and a taunt song performed in duet by Peter and Quagmire.
- The very fact that quite a few entries are on both the Nightmare Fuel page and this one, really says a lot about the show.
- The show's merciless lampooning of the Tea Party/GOP.
- Any time Peter acts like a three-year-old.
open/close all folders
- Peter crashing from just one lick of butter rum ice cream. Also check out how his eyes change size. (Okay, this was more being Off Model than anything, but still.)
- Bert as Sipowitz, bare-assed and all.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed!
- Even funnier? There actually is a "cookies in bed" sketch, which ends with Ernie and Bert in the same bed.
- "Holy crip, he's a crapple!"
- "Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits! It says 'OOOOO'!" "Peter, those are Cheerios."
Tree: Stupid bastard!
- One of the singing trees in the hallucination taking out a lighter and accidentally burning down the forest.
- "God. I. Hate. This. Freaking. Cat."
- From the episode where Quahog's TV is knocked out: Tom and Diane saying politically incorrect things now that the news isn't broadcast in Quahog (before the director tells them that they're still on the air in Boston).
- The new FOX reality show: Fast Animals. Slow Children.
- From the first episode, the trip to the American Southwest:
Peter: Ah geez, did I just hit that ostrich?Wile E. Coyote: No.Peter: Are you sure?Wile E. Coyote: Yeah, he's fine. Keep going.
- From "I Never Met the Dead Man," this Scooby-Doo parody, because it's ACTUALLY Frank Welker voicing Fred.
- In "The Son Also Draws", Peter drives the family to New York. Sadly for him, he had a prune smoothie before he left. Worse, the world seems to want to remind him that.
Passes by sign saying "Dump, next left"Peter: Ahh....Truck drives in front, with sign on back saying "WIDE LOAD"Peter: Ahhhhh....Passes by furniture store with sign saying "Furniture Sale: All stools must go!"Peter: Ahhhhhhhh....Another car drives in front with bumper sticker saying "I love my Shih Tzu"Peter: Aghhhhh!Sign passes saying "Only 15 Miles to Bob's House of Feces"Peter: Agghh-Oh come on, that one's not even real!'''
- This exchange from, "A Hero Sits Next Door"
Baseball Player 1: Hey, you want some gum?Baseball Player 2: Sure, thanks!Baseball Player 1: Ha ha, that was joke gum!Baseball Player 2: Whaddya mean?Baseball Player 1: Now you're addicted to heroin!(both laugh)Baseball Player 2: (starts shivering) I-I'm cold...
- Hitler's talk show where he interviews Christian Slater and asks to see his ass.
- Brain getting drunk off his ass during "Peter Peter, Caviar Eater"
Urinating in a plant.Brian: Money money...In a high falsetto.Brian: Money!
Peter: "Now Lois, sometimes it's okay to swear."Bailiff:"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"Peter:"I do."Peter:*sternly* "You bastard."
- "I've colorized the moon".
- When Lois pimp slaps her ti-Jitsu teacher to provoke him into fighting her.
- Peter's father is grilling him on how well he knows his Bible. When he asks what book of the Bible he likes, Peter says "Um, the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the Man in the Big Yellow Hat has to take him to the hospital."
- What about Superman in hell?
- "Show me potato salad!"
- Also from "Da Boom", when a giant mutant rat approaches Joe, who is fused from the waist down to the concrete in his driveway, with the intent to eat him.
Joe: BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!
- Brian running over Dean Koontz:
(Brian is driving in his car, when suddenly a man walks in the road and is hit - Brian steps out of the car to look at the man)
Brian: Oh my God! Are you Stephen King?
Man: No, I'm Dean Koontz.
Brian: (uninterested) Oh.
(Brian walks back to his car, runs over Koontz once more...then backs up and runs him over twice for good measure.)
- The time Stewie ends up with a white family who has adopted multicultural kids, while he's jonesing for pancakes.
Stewie: I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez moi pancakes! Click click bloody click pancakes!
Stewie: Flappy, guess what? I've decided not to kill you!
- Earlier that episode:
Stewie: Dance, puppets, dance!
- The part where Stewie manipulates the other children into fighting, and then gloats about it:
- In "Death is a Bitch", when Death asks what the world would be like if Hitler were still alive. We get a hilarious cutaway gag to Hitler with his own talkshow, ending in addressing the audience that, if they would like tickets to the show, they should call "213-DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!". Doubly hilarious for those that speak German and realize that, roughly translated, it means "You will need a nurse!"
- Peter's version of The King and I. "I now declare Siam, The United States of America!" (And then everybody sings a song ending with a gratuitous line about Paul Lynde being gay.)
- "Hey, were you there when I farted?"
- Peter trying to breast-feed Stewie.
- "A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything! It could even be a boat!"
- From "If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'":
Peter: "Well, until you put Gumbel 2 Gumbel back on the air, I'm going to go on a hunger strike. How about that, huh? Want that on your conscience?"
Peter: "You gonna eat that stapler?"
Executive: "You can't eat a stapler..."
Peter: "Wanna split it?"
Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
- Peter's and Chris's "Make a Wish" scam gets out of hand:
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't...nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.
- And then there was that time Peter got caught peeping in the lady's locker room...
- Meg and Peter walking along in New York when the background suddenly changes to that of The Flintstones. They look around in absolute confusion before slowly backing away.
- Brian and Stewie trying to get home via a crop-duster plane. They try to take off...only to put the plane between two cows, snapping the wings clean off. Stewie's completely deadpan reaction:
Stewie: Boy, will your face be red when they find the black box on this one.
Brian: Look, I just need some time to think.Stewie: Yes, you've got lots to think about, don't you? Public drunkenness, grand theft auto...Brian: You left out the part where I made you smash your head into the windshield.Stewie: Well now, funny, I don't recall...(Slams on the brakes, makes Stewie smash into the windshield)Stewie: Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one.
- This gem, as they travel in a stolen car.
Stewie: Oh, for God's sake. Only one way to settle this. (yells) He's wearing a wire!Dealer: What?(cue gunshots. Stewie yawns, rolls over and goes to sleep)
- And earlier in the episode, Stewie takes care of an overly loud drug buy keeping him awake as only he can:
- "Holy crap, I am freaking out!!"
- When it's mentioned that Peter once turned the house into a puppet, prompting the viewer to wonder what the hell that could possibly mean...then they cut to it and it's exactly what it sounds like.
"Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry!"
- Drive-by arguments.
Englishman: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth?
Jeremy: Why yes, I daresay that's the fellow.
Englishman: Oh, let's get him.
They drive up
Englishman: Oh Reginald...
(Reginald perks up)
Englishman: I DISAGREE! (car peels off)
- Peter's rendition of "Rhinestone Cowboy" at the wedding of the Dons daughter.
Peter: Like a Rhinestone Cowboy! DUH DUH! Frebuhuhmuecuh in a star-spangled horse in a rodeo!Mobsters draw their gunsPeter: For my next number...Mobsters cock gunsPeter: Thank you very much, thank you Pawtucket!
- Most of the jokes in the earlier episode, "He's Too Sexy for His Fat".
- When fleas infest their household:
Peter Griffin: There's only one thing to do—learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, and breed with their women. And in time our differences will be forgotten.
Lois: CALL THE DAMN EXTERMINATOR!!!
- After Peter gets surgery to make himself more attractive -
Lois: "Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?"
Peter: "Maybe I will! Then I'll put it on my feet and skate around on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!"
Lois: "That doesn't make any sense!"
Peter: "It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!"
- After Peter's introduces his new thin body to the family - Stewie: "My god, it's finally happened! He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself, like a neutron star!"
- Little Girl: "But mister, I need real money. I can't take a credit card." Peter: "Oh, cash only, huh, huh? No paper trail, huh? What are you selling? Reefer? Crack? Smack? Horse? X? Shrooms? Dust? Meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so!" (Peter smashes the lemonade stand).
- "Well if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in!''
- Brian's reactions to Peter coming into the home after getting extensive plastic surgery: "Hey buddy, you can't just come in here holy crap it's Peter." Made even better by Brian's unchanging tone or facial expression.
- When fleas infest their household:
- Stewie trying to buy instruments of carnage at the hardware store using a mind-controlled Chris. Seth Green affecting a Chris-ified version of Stewie's plummy Evil Brit accent while spouting Stewie-esque Ax-Crazy threats is hysterical.
- The "Family Guy Cast and Creator" episode of Inside The Actor's Studio reveals that this is Seth Green's favorite Chris scene.
Young Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Museum Guide: Because you touch yourself at night.
- "I-I'm not drunk, alright, I just have a speech impediment. * puke* And a stomach virus. *collapse* And an inner ear infection."
- Peter showing Chris how to eat an oreo.
Anonymous Woman: Luke? Are you coming in, honey? Lunch is ready!Luke Perry: Just a minute, babe! I'm busy checking every single high school newspaper to see if there's something written about me! (Picks up newspaper, sees Peter's "Luke Perry Is Gay" headline)Luke Perry: Oh, my gosh! Meg Griffin, you are so sued!(Camera zooms out from Luke Perry's house to reveal a crudely-drawn television set, on which this is being played)Peter (Poking his head out from the corner): Dun-dun -dun-dun-dun-DUUUUUUUHHHH~!!!
- From "The Story On Page One":
- Peter seeking advice from a poster of Greg Allman in "Let's Go To The Hop".
Peter: Greg Allman, what did you do when times got tough?Greg: Me? I did a lot of drugs. Married some broad named Cher. I wouldn't recommend either one.
- The whole Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory spoof in "Wasted Talent". It has a ninja, a faked drive-by shooting, and a hilarious parody of "Pure Imagination"! As Peter says:
Peter: It's like I've died and gone to Heaven, only for them to find out that it wasn't my time, and they sent me back to a brewery.
- From "Da Boom", Peter attempting to feed beans to Thomas Magnum through a TV screen, then scolding Higgins when he turns up on screen. Seth MacFarlane has said that this is is favourite moment of the show.
- It should be worth noting that after a while, Higgins actually glares back at Peter with annoyance.
- The one where Peter visits Brian at the rehab and gives a fake name when posing as an addict.
Peter:Pea, uh, tear, uh, gryphon, Peter Griffin...aw crap.
while George is fighting a burglar"Hey, hey. Quiet down out there! Ya wacky Beatle..."
- "I've often dreamt of a life at sea..." Gilbert and Sullivan for the win!
- Peter's short stint as George Harrison's security guard.
- The Woody (a pornography award show) nominees for best soundtrack, who consist of two seedy looking guys with synthesizers, and John Williams.
- "Well Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody, thanks to an anonymous tip to the authorities." "Good. Good."
- In "Lethal Weapons", Stewie tape records Lois saying she's a bad mother:
Stewie: Ah-ha! I got it all on tape! (plays tape)
Stewie on tape: Okay, this is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. What's new, Ed? Well, Stewie, tonight we have a really big show. Okay, and now a word from our sponsors. It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides! Bzzt! Butterfingers!
Stewie: (stops tape) ...I was making radio shows for fun. Everybody does it. At least, everybody I know does it- SHUT UP!
- Meg's Fast Times at Ridgemont High-spoofing fantasy about Tom Tucker in "The Kiss Seen 'Round The World".
Stewie: We're playing house.
Lois: That boy is all tied up...
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house.
- Peter's inability to control the volume of his voice in "Mr. Saturday Knight"
Mr. Weed: Hello, Peter. How are you?Peter: FINE! (whispering) Please come in.
- The Griffin men if they were more cultured.
- The gag from "Emission Impossible" where Stewie puts on lipstick in order to get it all over Peter's shirt hoping Lois will think he's unfaithful and therefore not try to have another kid with him. Then he sees himself in the mirror...
Stewie: You want it bad, and you don't care how you get it because you have no self-respect and that gets you off!
Brian: Wow, the evidence is really piling up.
Stewie: Make any joke you want! You KNOW I look good!
Stewie: God, all this work to stop people from having sex. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels.
- Same episode, this line:
- "I loooove chocolate, but I can't eat it because then I'll get FAT."
- "But it's SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD."
- Peter converting the living room into a replica of ''Pee-Wee's Playhouse'' in the episode "Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?" Especially Brian's line:
- Brian: Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hiney h-ohh God, I hate you so much.
- How about Peter narrating his own life?
- Lois finally snapping in the Christmas episode when Meg says they're out of paper towels. "No...paper...TOWELS??!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Made even funnier after she's raged at the family she then runs outside having completely lost it and Meg finds the paper towels. "Oh, here's the paper towels!"
Joke Fire Extinguisher
- Also, the "You are here/she is there" sign in the mall.
- The scene where Brian tries to put out the fire, and it gets worse.
Brian: Damn it, Peter!
- Any scene with The Pope in "Road to Europe".
Cardinal: Pope?...Pope! Is time to get up and put on your hat.
Pope: It's a stupid hat!
Pope: You make-a the Pope look like a fool! God will make you pay! SMITE THEM! [pause] "He's-a cooking something up."
Brian: You wanna go get some ice cream?
- Also: I vill hear no more insinuations about ze German people! NOTHING BAD HAPPENED! Sie werden sich hinsetzen!! Sie werden ruhig sein!! Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland!!!
(Stewie shakes his head 'no')
Brian: You wanna get some McDonald's?
(Stewie shakes his head 'no')
Brian: You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?
(Stewie nods his head 'yes')
Brian: Okay, let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
- And, in the "Kiss-Stock" subplot, when two members of Kiss walk out, and the other break into "Chatanooga Choo-Choo", surprising the crowd.
- Anything with William Shatner. Character Tics doesn't even begin to cover it.
- His pants split, revealing his underwear which has Captain's Log written on the crotch.
- "Oh-fiddler, ontheroof - seems crazy, no? But in our-littletown-of... Anatevka... KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
- From "Mr. Griffin Goes To Washington", in the scene where the cigarette company coated the entire house in Teflon, Stewie slides past on his butt, naked. Which is funny enough on it's own, but then he says:
Stewie: I'm nudes on ice!
- Bob Dole: Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole...Bob Dole...Bob...Dole... *falls asleep*
- Stewie playing Pictionary with the family that's prematurely moved into the Griffins' house:
"If it wasn't right the first time you said it, why the hell would it be right the next ten times? God!"
- Peter says he's not good with being in the audience in big performances. It then cuts to a performance of Cats... and Peter runs over one of them with a car.
- Peter's job working for The Electric Company. "f" "at" "fat" "Alright, that's it-"
- "No! It's step, hip, step, pivot! Are you trying to piss off the volcano?"
- "This is mine! This is where my babies come from!"
- "Would you like some candy?" "I smell death on you."
- The first scene after its resurrection is possibly one of the funniest Take Thats to one's own network ever.
Peter: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been canceled.
Lois: Oh no, Peter! How could they do that?
Peter: Well unfortunately Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That '80s Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, and Greg the Bunny.
Lois: Is there no hope?
Peter: Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.
Lois: Honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets, huh?
- Peter and Lois' dirty talk.
Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.
Lois: Hehehe...that's me.
Peter: You dirty hustler.
Peter: You filthy, stinky prostitute.
Lois: Aha, okay, I get it...
Peter: You foul, venereal disease carrying, street walking whore.
Lois: Alright, that's enough!
- "Oh man, this is even more intense than that time I forgot how to sit down." *crashes through chair*
- The following from "Don't Make Me Over":
Stewie: (singing) I want to have intercourse with you. Uh-oh-yeah. Intercourse with you.
Brian: (singing) Relations.
Stewie: Intercourse with you-oo-oo-whoo! Right?
Brian: Yeah, no great, that sounds good.
Stewie: All right, groovy, groovy. Now, is there a shorter word for intercourse?
Stewie: (running naked through the mall) Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement!
- Brian's dare to Stewie at the mall earlier in the episode:
- The Petercopter and the Hindenpeter. "HOW CAN YOU AFFORD THESE THINGS?!"
- Earlier, by the barbershop quartet plus Peter, You Have AIDS.
- (Peter in a Quagmire Mask humping Brian in a Loretta Mask) "I"m Quagmire, I'm Quagmire, you're my best friend's wife but who cares? I'm Quagmire!"
- The part where Quagmire uses Adam West's banana to try to fend off Cleveland:
Adam West: When the time comes, you'll know what to do.*Quagmire tosses banana at Cleveland, who stops for about half a second*Quagmire: Dammit! *chase resumes*
- "Good thing I just watched that National Geographic special on fire trucks."
Oh, you're just curious! Here, let me show you how everything works down there!
- "Attention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all.
- For that matter Peter using his disability as an excuse to watch women pee.
- The time Peter bought the breakfast machine from Pee-wee's Big Adventure:
Peter: "WHAT was the point of all that?! Argh! All it does is shoot ya! It doesn't make breakfast at all! Owww!"
- WHO ELSE BUT QUAGMIRE?
- He's Quagmire! Quagmire! You never really know what he's gonna do next! He's Quagmire! Quagmire!
- Quagmire: Giggidy, giggidy, let's have sex!
- "The Asian Trix Rabbit."
- Three's Company AsianTown
- "Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of the pieces to my Lite Brite! My name's not Adam We!...Or is it...? Who am I? What number did you dial?! Don't ever call me again."
- Peter and "that thing" he and Lois do "every Thursday night". At the top of the stairs. (It was originally going to be even worse too.)
- Almost as funny as that is that after Peter falls Brian looks at him for a second then goes back to reading his newspaper without saying a word.
- He's Quagmire! Quagmire! You never really know what he's gonna do next! He's Quagmire! Quagmire!
- The scene where Chris gets pulled into the "Take On Me" music video while trying to retrieve milk from the store, coupled with his confused reaction afterward:
Lois: Chris, where have you been?Chris: I DON'T KNOW!
- Cookie Monster in a toilet stall frantically "cooking up" cookie dough in a spoon: "C'mon, c'mon!"
- The entirety of the episode "Peter's Got Woods".
- Peter playing peek-a-boo with Stewie. "Oh, great, leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence."
- Peter and Michael Moore's farting contest.
- The ''FCC Song''.
Peter: OK, you caught me.Peter: Oh, Lois, you are so full of (HONK)! ...What!?! I can't say (HONK) in my own (HONK)-ing house? (HONK)-ing great, Lois, just (HONK)-ing great! You're lucky you're good at (HONK)-ing my (HONK) or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about. When you (HONK) lubed up (HONK) toothpaste in my (HONK) and you (HONK) cherry (HONK) Episcopalian (HONK) extension cord (HONK) wetness (HONK) with a parking ticket? That is the best!
- Osama bin Laden's bloopers.
- Peter's failed attempt at escaping from the FCC when they come to tell him that PTV is going off the air. He puts on a jetpack, but instead of flying away, the jetpack makes him fall over and headbutt the wall repeatedly until the jetpack runs out of fuel.
- This part from "Brian Goes Back to College":
Peter: This looks like a job for the A-Team! (slams his gun down and shoots a hole in the ceiling, causing Chris to fall face-first onto the floor)
Chris: Hi, Dad!
Peter: Go to your room.
Chris: Okay! (runs up the stairs and falls through the hole again face first)
Speaker: "Look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistics indicate that both of those men will rape you."
- Brian meets a girl in college:
-Man on the left: I'm not gonna rape you.
-Man on the right: I might.
- Any gag involving James Bottomtooth.
- Brian trying to cheer up Peter with "It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time", especially when Peter leaves the room and he just keeps at it.
- Stewie's reaction to Peter taking him to Disney World.
- When Brian is trying to tell Lois her brother is a serial killer she denies it. What makes it funny is the sheer overwhelming evidence (photos of him strangling fat guys, a dead fat guy in his room, a half dead fat guy in his room that says "Patrick tried to kill me.") doesn't convince her, but Brian simply shouting "Lois" does.
- Peter announces to everyone that he's fat.
I bid $780.
- That game of The Price Is Right
And your bid, Sarah?
What was the last bid, Bob?
I bid $781.
- That time Peter lost his virginity.
- Jesus is buried after the crucifixion, then he leaps into a redneck who just slept with a farmer's daughter. "Oh boy!"
- "Where's my money?"
- Peter on Wheel of Fortune. "Uh...uh...Z, Uh, 4, Q, uh-uh another Q, a third Q...and the Batman Symbol."
Peter: Say, uh, how much for the fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
- Miraculously, despite no help with those choices, Peter guesses correctly: "Is it "Alex Karras in Webster?" (ding ding ding!) "I... don't... believe it."
- And later, when he's picking out the prizes:
Pat: That's you.
Peter: Oh, embarrassing...
- The fake death for Quagmire that Peter, Joe, and Cleveland set up.
- "Sibling Rivalry": Lois and Peter 'roleplaying':
Lois (dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl): Oh, I need a spankin'. I'm a bad, bad girl!
Peter: I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-five holy avenger.
Lois: Paladins can't use the helm of disintegration!
Peter: Oh. Then I'm a black guy!
Bertram: Well, well, well. If it isn't my half-brother, Stewie!
- P.S. A Mage wielding a +5 Holy Avenger with a Paladin in the party? Yeah, Peter's a terrible roleplayer.
- Peter challenging Lois to a race around the world.
- The Vasectomy Song.
- This exchange:
Stewie: Bertram! I haven't seen you since our microscopic encounter. How the deuce did you get out of Peter's testicles?
Bertram: He donated sperm.
- Brian telling Lois about what he watched on TV on the episode "Deep Throats": "I just watched a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I still don't know what a hollaback girl is. All I know is that I want her dead. Hey, can you hand me the remote?" (said remote is right next to him)
Chris: (sobbing) Stop!
- Peter and Lois licking Chris like ice cream when they're high.
Brian: "All we need is one incriminating entry in this datebook and that's our ticket to...
- The uncut version of Lois and Peter lying on top of each other naked on the couch much to Stewie and Brian's discomfort:
(He and Stewie see Lois and Peter lying completely naked on the sofa)
Peter: "Hey Brian. What's up?
Brian: "Uh, hi, um, Lois...Peter..."
Lois: "Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's sooo comfortable!"
Peter: "Hey, Lois. Look how short Stewie is. (laughs) He's so short. (continues laughing)
Lois: "Oh my God, he is short."
(both laugh hysterically)
Lois: "Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door! What should I do?"
Lois: "He's knocking on the back door! Should I let him in? I'm so scared!"
Stewie: "Well, um, you two are busy being nude, so, um, we'll just head out and uh...let you be nude."
- Peter's erotic novel, The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish. As read by Betty White.
Jude: These ants are ruining our picnic!
Renee: You mean the picnic is ruining our ants! (Cue scene of Renee Zellweger eating ants set to Roll To Me.)
Carter: Huh, I didn't know that "Greenberg" was a Jedi name...
- The lawyer being forced by Carter to fight the Rancor, but he somehow wins the battle...
- Going hunting with Dick Cheney
- When Brian is breaking up with Lois:
Stewie: "Uh! Oh my god. No way.Stewie: "Oh, bitch, you got jacked, bitch!"
- Brian in Heaven:
Brian: "Wow, I can't believe I'm in heaven and drinking with Kurt Cobain, Ernest Hemingway, and Vincent van Gogh! But still, it feels like we all got here a little earlier than we should have."
Ernest Hemingway: "Yeah, well, I collapsed under the weight of my own genius and shot myself."
Vincent Van Gogh: "I could not reconcile my passion with the way others were living around me, so I shot myself."
Kurt Cobain: "I hated the thought of my music becoming part of some bland corporate mechanism, so I shot myself."
Brian: (sheepishly) "Yeah, I...I just got into the garbage and ate some chocolate."
- Also from the movie, there's Stewie's defacement of Brian's grave (he crosses Brian's name and writes "Douchebag" on it):
Stu: "I don't think you should do that..."
Stewie: "And why not? I hated that dog."
Stu: "It's just that that word has taken on a different meaning since President Douchebag."
- Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man! Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man! Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man!
- The "incest episode" from the DVD extra of "Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story."
Brian: WRONG! It's WRONG! (pounds table)
Peter: You know what really grinds my gears? You, America! Fuck you! Diane?
- And there's also this:
- From "Eight Simple Rules For Buying My Teenage Daughter" when Meg tells Lois she could be having a life on Saturday night:
Lois: "Meg, if you don't want to babysit anymore, that's fine, but don't you stand there and lie to me."Peter: "OH-HO Meg, she torched your ass man! She torched your ass!"
Peter: Hey Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors?Mort: Peter, are you eating those?Peter: No, I'm shoving 'em up my butt. Of course I'm eating 'em!
- From the same episode:
Stewie: (to Jeremy, the babysitter's boyfriend) Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow"! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!
Meg: Please go out with me. I'm just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I'll pay and everything.Boy: Yeah...uhh...that sounds cool but I'm gonna be in the hospital that night. (shoots himself in the stomach with a nail gun)
- It's a bad joke on Meg but still:
- In the episode "The Perfect Castaway", Peter says that he used to be a construction worker in New York, but he never got the catcalling right. Cue to Peter working on a construction site with three other guys while an attractive woman walks by:
First worker: (whistles)Second worker: Yeah, baby!Third worker: I want a piece of that!Peter: YOU SUCK!
- Peter at his cousins wedding, during a cutaway:
Preacher: If anyone has any objections, Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace.Peter: *Looks around* Really? No one's gonna speak up? I'm the one whose gonna have to say it? Alright...GENITAL WARTS!
- Stewie, with curlers and a clay face mask on, yelling at Chris to get in the house in "Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High".
- This, from the same episode:
Lois: What's this? You know, Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pockets. She's more respectfuI than that.
Stewie: Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.
- Peter sprays himself with Tag Sick Cat Body Spray.
- "Blind Ambition": Blind!Peter accidentally climbing into Chris's and then Stewie's bed because he thinks they're Lois. Stewie's reaction is the best. "WHAT THE DEUCE?!"
- Peter: Okay, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like six years, all right. Either have the baby or don't.
- Stewie: OK, OK if I make this we're all going to get laid. (He shoots a crumpled paper ball into Brian's cone) Stewie: Haha Yes! Score, Score! Brian: Boy I'd really like to chew on my crotch right now.
- From "Petarded": Peter is a tumor.
- In "Jungle Love":
Lady Guinevere: Oh, Arthur, if you can remove this sword from it's stone, and prove that you are the true king of England, I will make love to you in this very field.Arthur: What if I just move it a little? Will you touch me?
- Carter forcing Peter to eat a pine cone in "Model Misbehavior".
- Stewie faking an overdose to get Lois' attention in "Stewie Loves Lois".
Brian: You look like a jackass.
Stewie: Can't hear you, Brian; I'm dead.
Brian: All right. *plugs up the toilet with a towel, then flushes*
Stewie: What did you do? *toilet overflows and begins to flood the bathroom* Oh, that is so not cool...
Man: Excuse me, do you know the way to town?Kermit: Yeah, it's back the way you came. (cocks shotgun)
- Kermit the racist:
Lois: Peter, my God, you look terrible!
- Stewie switching to Spanish.
- When Peter first comes home from Dr. Hartman's office (where he bolted from a routine prostate exam):
Peter: I was raped.
Lois: (chuckles) What?
Peter: Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
Lois: (chuckles again) What?!
(Peter whispers to Lois)
Lois: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.
Peter: You sound just like him! (runs out crying)
Lois: Fucking idiot.
Stewie: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!Lois: WHAT!?(beat)Stewie: Hi! (runs off giggling)
- This scene:
- "Dude, these animals are so FUCKING funny!"
- "THEY MAKE ME WANNA MERGE WITHOUT LOOKING!"
- "Yeah! Rumsfeld!"
- The army episode full stop, but one line in particular.
Peter: Don't listen to her Chris, the army is great! You get free food, they pay for college and all the brown people you can rape.
- When the opening sequence from the episode "Whistle While Your Wife Works" went horribly wrong...
Jillian: I saw this TV show about a guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him!
- A lot of the dumb things Jillian says.
"So who wants to hear a good story about a bridge?" (everyone facepalms)
- Anything involving Buzz Killington.
- Peter's new porn hiding place.
- Chester Cheetah, the exemplar of cool:
(Chester's run-down apartment, "Tom Sawyer" by Rush is playing; Chester chops up a pile of Cheetos with a razor blade like it was cocaine...and then snorts a line of it.)
Chester: (snort) OHHHHHH THERE IS NO FUCKING DRUMMER BETTER THAN NEAL PEART! (slams his fist into the glass table, shattering it; regards his now glass-strewn hand nonchalantly) It ain't easy being cheezy.
- The Opal Ring Crusade.
"He's sitting informally like us! Let's hear what he has to say."
- Peter saying he'll be as untouched as the turn signal on an Asian woman's car. I don't care if it's kind of racist, it's still very funny. Unfortunately, it's only on the DVD and [adult swim] version. The version shown on FOX, syndication, and Netflix has a different scene where Peter mispronounces "abstinent" as "obstinate" and "absinthe" and grounds Meg when she corrects him.
- Peter teaching Sex Ed by repeatedly smashing a Rainbow Brite doll into a bust of William Shakespeare.
- Peter's chick flick Steel Vaginas in "Chick Cancer."
- WE GOTTA GET THIS WOMAN TO SURGERY TIME, RIGHT STAT NOW!
- Joe's "fake legs" (seemingly ripped from an NES game) in said scene.
- And Joe's reaction to the finished movie: "Boy, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen." "My ass is actually sore. MY ass is actually sore." (even funnier is that the line was AD-LIBBED by Patrick Warburton!)
- When Stewie and Olivia start dating. They spend the day together and leave before dark because the area they're in is dangerous at night. We then see a lion and a robot fight each other.
- The "Look at my kids" scene.
- WE GOTTA GET THIS WOMAN TO SURGERY TIME, RIGHT STAT NOW!
- The Wiz Shout-Out with a large number of black people randomly dancing in the streets after Mayor West sends the entire police department to Colombia to "rescue" an actress that was there fifteen years ago.
- "Say whip." "Whip." "Now say Cool Whip." "Coo' Hwip." "Cool Whip!" "Coo' Hwhip." "You're eating hair!" *spit*
- "Just relax. We're gonna be here for a hwhile!"
- "Brian, you're acting hweird!"
- "Oh, COME ON! That one doesn't even have an H in it!"
- "Do you have the hwhip?"
- From the same episode, of which the A plot is Meg falling in love with Brian whilst his attempts to reject her just don't get through to her. One of the ways he tries to get out of a relationship with her is pretending he's homosexual.
Brian: "I saw this penis on the Internet the other day, and I thought to myself; 'Well that's...that's just fine.'"
Brian: "I have plans with Chris. We're gonna do...uh...what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon."Chris: "Masturbate?"Brian: "Masturbate, we're gonna masturbate together!noteChris: "Well, maybe back-to-back, but I gotta tell you, I ain't 100% on this."
- Later in the same scene:
- The carjacking scene from the episode, "Road to Rupert".
Stewie: Get out of the fucking car! Get out of the fucking car right now man! Do it or I'll fucking kill you! Get the fuck out of the fucking car!
Brian: Did we just carjack that guy?
Stewie: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.
- Oh, Crone!
- *throws tea in kid's eyes*
- Peter remembering all the good times he had with his anvil.
- When Stewie says that Brian selling Rupert was more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone. Cut to Sharon with some guy in bed, then her devouring his head like a female praying mantis post-mating.
- When the helicopter Brian and Stewie are piloting together crashes down the mountainside, it cuts to the two of them screaming in a back and forth succession between the two. At one point it inexplicably cuts to Stewie dressed as the devil laughing manically with thunder and lightning in the background.
- That's actually a shout-out.
- Oh, Crone!
- The entirety of "Peter's Two Dads."
Random Guy #1: "She is messed up, man!"Stewie: "Shut up, okay? Just shut up and let me fuckin' think!"*Stewie drives for a few seconds, then stops*Stewie: "Push her out!"Random Guy #2: "We can't leave her alone!"Stewie: "PUSH THE BITCH OUT!"
Brian: "Peter, what're you doing?!"Peter: "Crack."Brian: "What the FUCK?!"
- After Francis died, Peter buried him in a pet cemetery and he inexplicably burst out of the ground, prompting Peter to beat him with his shovel.
- It makes perfect sense if you've heard of Pet Sematary.
- The time Peter got stuck behind Robert Loggia at the airport.
- After Peter smokes crack (which he bought from a white guy selling it at Black's Hardware Store) to keep from drinking: "Gubment came and took my baaaaaaaaaby!"
- After Francis died, Peter buried him in a pet cemetery and he inexplicably burst out of the ground, prompting Peter to beat him with his shovel.
- Stewie delving into the tanning lifestyle. He goes into a tanning bed, tasking Brian to wake him up in fifteen minutes. Brian falls asleep on the couch. For six-and-a-half hours. When he wakes Stewie up, he's roughly the same color as his overalls and can't move without inflicting extreme agony upon himself.
- Immediately after he gets out of the tanning bed, he asks Brian to put some lotion on him. As Mr. Furley from Three's Company walks in, and from his point of view, Stewie's kneeling at Brian's feet with white stuff sprayed on his face...
- The "movie" Stewie's tan friend wrote that is basically Brokeback Mountain from the point of view of the horses. The horse's reaction to what he saw in the tent...
- "Wocka wocka. Who wants to hear a funny ass joke?" That is all.
- What happens when you date a hot girl with bad laugh? Well...
- Peter eats half of a fudgesicle in one bite, and proceeds to cry out in agony until his head EXPLODES!
- Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Conway Twitty. The first time, anyway.
- "Decoys, Lois. Decoys!"
- "FORM UP CRIPPLETRON!!"
Peter: Ben Stiller, help me!Ben: No, Peter. I heard what you said about my movies."Peter: How?Ben: Uh, HELLO!Peter: GO TO HELL, YOU MUTANT OFFSPRING OF COMEDY PEOPLE!
- Ben Stiller and his giant ears.
- The seemingly never-ending theme song to [[Series/Maude]] is a hilarious Overly Long Gag. "Whew, that was an ordeal."
- Stewie moment: when he got a job mocking obese people by following them around and playing a "tuba" (actually a sousaphone)
- The Legion of Doom scene in "It Takes a Village Idiot and I Married One."
Lex Luthor: How did she(Lois) discover our plan?
Solomon Grundy: ME SOLOMON GRUNDY kind of dropped the ball on that one.
Peter: Boy, you guys, I really appreciate all the help you've given us. Expect for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing.
- Peter's cowboy song (both the edited version where Peter says they're having "cowboy gay sex" and the original version, which was "cowboy butt sex")
- The Griffins' previous family trip, when they were on the price climbing game on The Price is Right (the one with the yodeling paper doll).
- The "Donny Most" chant
- The guys talking about their work on Lois's campaign.
Quagmire: What the hell are you talkin' about? Lois is gonna get the entire female vote because of me. I've been having sex with every woman in town nonstop for the past two days. My God, if I tried to masturbate right now, you know what would come out? A little flag with the word "bang" on it.note
Brian: (Sees another dog in another car) Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Lois! Hey, hey! Other dog! FUCK YOU!
- Lois taking Brian out for a car ride.
- "And then I realized, it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me... IT WAS GOD!"
- In "Meet the Quagmires," after Brian's rendition of "Never Gonna Give You Up", it cuts to a shot of the audience, standing still and gaping. After a few seconds, we hear a random person say, "I didn't like any of that." It's just the way he says it that makes it so funny.
- One episode has Peter blowing a raspberry every time Meg's name is mentioned, prompting Chris to then repeat Meg's name over and over again until Lois tells him to stop. At the end of the episode, he does so again, but actually farts on the last mention of Meg. "Uh-oh...Pardon me."
- After Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland confess that Dr. Hartman "molested" them (actually giving them a prostate exam), Joe says: "You guys are a bunch of queers." And rolls away. And comes back and says, "AND SO AM I!"
- Peter's Oh Crap! reaction and how he hides in a tree from Lois after he beats up Kyle in a rage.
- "Saving Private Brian": Peter trying to cover the sounds of his farts by coughing at a meeting.
- In "Hell Comes To Quahog" Meg says she's going to get a job to pay for a car and Chris tells her he'll pay her a dollar a day to smell his sneakers. His repeated laughing and the family's bored reactions to this are hilarious.
- From "Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey":
Carter: Why are you naked inside my house?Peter: Uhh...why aren't you?Carter: Beat You're alright, Griffin.
- The Chuck E. Cheese sequence.
- "M.C. Escher."
- Peter is approached by a wheelchair-bound Vietnam vet, who tells him, "I've seen some things, man, and I've seen some stuff. I wouldn't recommend it!"
- At the end of the episode, Peter apologizes to Joe about giving he and his wheelchair buddies a hard time, since he now knows what it's like being in a wheelchair. Joe accepts the apology and asks Peter if he wants to watch Grey's Anatomy with he and Bonnie. Peter replies, "Oh, boy, Joe, I... I got to tell you, that... that... that sounds awful." End of episode.
- Jake Tucker's audition for church organist in "Boys Do Cry".
- "Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky..."
- Made even better if you're a Doctor Who fan.
- And the rest of the Star Wars parody for that matter. "Renegade paragraphs floating through space"◊
- Herbert at his stand singing "YMCA" in "Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air"
- From "Peter's Daughter": "Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your coma's in a daughter."
Trisha Takanawa: What kind of cancer?
- The 'Over' scene where Brian and Stewie fix a house.
- Please say over when you finish your post, over.
- The Alien Queen talking with Bruce's voice might be the funniest Cutaway Gag in this episode.
- The 72 "virgins"
- Rides a ten speed everywhere guy.
Ten Speed Guy: It's rectal cancer, it's slowly eating away at my lower insides, uh, it's quick process, both painful and un-treatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape.
- Brian showing Stewie 2girls1cup.
- Herbert reads to Chris a bedtime story, and whistles a Peter and the Wolf tune. After a short pause, Chris finally asks him: "Are you a pedophile?"
- Peter watches BET's newest earth science program, "Damn, nature! You scary." (from 0:59)
- The entirety of the episode where Brian has a son.
Brian: Peter, that costume doesn't make any sense.
- Specifically, there's something strangely funny when Brian's potential date said that magic is sexy. But the real laughs came when Peter dresses up as Count Dracula with a big groin (Count Crotchula) for Halloween:
Peter (defensively): Don't stifle my creativity!
- "My Pot! Your Pot?"
- "Anna took a dump on me!"
- Peter's identity is stolen by James Woods, so Peter steals his and gets revenge by ruining his career. He does so by announcing "his" new comedy, September 11th: Two Thousand FUN.
Peter (posing as James Woods): "I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And whaddya think I see comin'? A plane. And I go, 'Come on!' I-it's real old style comedy, you know? It's like two pies in the face...and one in a field in Pennsylvania."
- Peter listening to "Hello" by Lionel Richie and crying:
"Oh god, Lionel you have been hurt. You have been hurt by somebody that much is clear. Who hurt you? (whispering and rocking back and forth) Who hurt you? Whohurtyouwhohurtyou?"
- The judge has had enough of the Kool Aid Man interrupting court proceedings:
Judge: Okay. "Can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fuckin' Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showin' up! Thank you."
- In "Pedre De Famila" Peter's reaction to finding out he's mexican. Watch it here.
Peter: *Laughs* Looks like I got myself in a bind, how will I get outta this one?Peter: *Sings* Cause we got Cleveland and Quagmire and Joe and Mort, AND ALL YOUR CARTOON PAAAAALLS!
- "Back to the Woods", when Peter is being arrested for trespassing on James Woods's territory (who is posing as Peter), Joe tells him to strip:
Joe: Take 'em off, right down to the poop sack. (awkward looks from Peter and James Woods) ...You don't all wear a poop sack? DAMMIT BONNIE, YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THE POOP SACK!!!
- "The Former Life of Brian":
Lois: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
Peter: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shuttin' your vag.
- "Long John Peter"
Parrot: Pick a lane, bitch.Peter: Ha-ha, isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.Parrot: I have to pee. Where's that Snapple bottle?Peter: (laughs)Parrot: I had a gay experience at camp.Peter: (laughs nervously) We had the radio on and they were talkin' about some goofy stuff.
- When Chris sees Anna for the first time, he imagines himself singing "Crazy for You", with Cleveland, Joe, Quagmire and Mort randomly popping up to provide background vocals.
- When Peter introduces his friends to his new pet parrot "Adrian Beaky".
Chris: Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling to well.
- At one of Chris' dates, Peter sings a nonsensical rendition of "Land Down Under" ("Look at me with a brand new Hyundai!")
- In order to have an excuse to see Anna at the vet, Chris injures Brian by whacking him with a chair.
- From "I Dream Of Jesus":
Meg: I love you, Jesus!
- Huh...that's odd, we seem to be missing a certain ornithological piece, an example of a certain avian variety...
- What are you talking about?
Adam West: My God, is it possible? *to his aide* Have the boys at the lab confirm this!Scientist: Sir, our math shows that the bird is equal to or greater than the word.West: CHECK IT AGAIN!
- Oh, have you not heard?
- Heard what?
- OH DEAR GOD NOOO—!
- A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, well, the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, well, the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a don't you know about the bird? Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word A-well-a, bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a...
- Brian and Stewie's utter ownage of that record, set to Geto Boys' "Still".
- The fact that they proceeded to do the same to every copy of the record in three stores.
- "I took it to bed last night, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms and now it's gone!" - Peter, talking about the record.
- Jesus having dinner with the Griffins:
Jesus: I love you too, fella.
- From "Road to Germany", Stewie's European See 'n Say.
See 'n Say: The cow says: "Shazoo!"
Stewie: It most certainly does not!
Brian: Where are we?Cow: Shazoo!Stewie: Looks like we're in Europe.
- Leading to a Brick Joke later, after the time machine.
- The part in "Baby Not On Board" with the tropical birds. "My tropical bird collection, just in case." "Just in case WHAT? We're not gonna need a dozen tropical birds." "Oh, I was not aware that you could see the future, Lois. Can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number? Stupid woman."
- There's also when Peter and Quagmire call each other from their cars, then they think someone is in front of (or behind) them and do things to each other. So Peter and Quagmire pull over...and start beating each other up!
- The ending of "The Man With Two Brians". You can see New Brian slowly pressing Stewie's Berserk Button hard enough to break the console. The cut to the aftermath is purely supplementary by the end of it.
- Those two little boys getting drunk from vodka-laced lemonade.
- Lindsay Lohan taking a DUI rap for Mr. Magoo.
It'll be my 3rd strike! I can't go to prison, they'll rape me! And I'll never see them coming, I won't.
- From "Stew-Roids", World War 5.
- Peter's stab at Joaquin Phoenix in "Three Kings".
"Welcome back and Joaquin Phoenix if you're still watching, thanks for being a sport. You passed our test and you can be our friend."
- Also from "Three Kings", near the end of The Shawshank Redemption sketch:
- Four Words: Slowly Rotating Black Man.
- Peter must repeat the third grade in the episode "Tales of a Third Grade Nothing" and, as such, must attend show and tell. One girl shows the class her Malibu Barbie doll.
Peter: "Oh, my god. Who the hell cares?
- "The Road To The Multiverse". Disney-esque Family Guy. That is all.
Stewie: "So, how does it feel to be on a major network for thirty seconds?"
- Peter looks like Doc!
- ...Up until the end of that sequence. Everything up to that was bloody hilarious, though.
- Or for that matter, Family Guy Robot Chicken style:
Chris: "Fuck you!"
- Made all the funnier when you realize who voices who.
- When Brian and Stewie are a real baby and a real dog.
- When Quagmire thought he was getting the spin-off.
"See ya later, bitches! With your stupid fuckin' Giant Chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty — Hey, why's there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?"
- The sequence where Quagmire discovers internet porn. It was good for a twofer: first, there's the scene in the bar where you realize Quagmire, the pervert extraordinaire, has no idea that porn can be found on the internet. Then the scene later on where Peter sees him again after a long time...and he's got an absolutely massive right arm.
- Left arm, actually. Making it cannon, I guess, that Quagmire is left-handed.
- Peter's Palestinian alarm clock. It explodes.
Clone!Brian: Hey, Brian! Knock-knock!
- From that episode's subplot:
Brian: Uh, who's there?
—-> Basically, ANYTHING that Clone Brian says.
- From the same episode, Peter, Joe, and Quagmire go to a strip club to make Quagmire feel better about giving his daughter away. Quagmire leaves and Peter and Joe deal with a teacher stripper ... who really gets into her work.
- The London Gentlemen's Club. Basically, imagine three guys just sitting around reading newspapers, communicating entirely in throat-clearing for about a full minute.
- Also the fact that it gets progressively louder and then quieter.
- ...Road House.
- From "Business Guy"
Dr. House: House.
- "I'm having a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack! You oughta know by now!"
- Hugh Laurie as Dr. House on ''Family Guy''.
Peter: Road House.
Dr. House: That too.
- The African American Heart Monitor.
- "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." *flatline* "Aw, he dead." And in the same episode:
- "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He cool."
- *Carter spazzing out and machine vocalizing* "GHOST DAD!"
- The German Bedtime Story is hilarious for anyone familiar with the real thing.
- In "Jerome Is The New Black:"
Joe: Peter, don't ruin this like you ruined my parrot.(in cutaway)Joe: (showing Peter a parrot) I just got it today!Peter: (suddenly leans towards the parrot) CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE.Parrot: Cripple!Joe: Dammit!
- In "Big Man on Hippocampus", Stewie's answers, while Lois is playing Fast Money round on Family Feud, especially his fourth answer.
Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.
Lois: A chair.
Stewie: My own feces.
Dawson: Name a popular fruit.
Stewie: Clay Aiken.
Dawson: Something in your closet.
Stewie: Scary monsters.
Dawson: Your favorite holiday.
Dawson: Something you do on the weekends.
Lois: Go to church.
Stewie: Black guys.
- "It may interest movie buffs that Peter O'Toole's name is a slang for penis".
- "Dial Meg for Murder"'s Take That at "Not All Dogs Go To Heaven", especially the Goofy part. "Be careful Brian. Not all dogs go to heaven."
"Bull:" Where you going, fatty? We're gonna have a party!
- The scene where a breeding bull rapes Peter.
- Terri Schiavo! Is kind of alive-oh! Seriously, some may have thought it was going a bit TOO far, but I think that the beginning bit automatically swings this around so many times that it's the funniest moment BY FAR of Season 8 as of now.
- I laughed because I was thinking the same exact thing as Chris and Brian started to ponder whether this was too soon or too late.
- "April in Quahog" also gets a Running Gag joke. Peter does crystal meth TWICE, and so does Brian at the end.
Peter: I am SO fucking ready! *jumps through Stewie's ceiling*Stewie: When you jumped through my ceiling you let in an owl. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw up half-digested mice.
Adam West: That's right! You're nothing but a failed production company!
- From the same episode, Adam West making an angry letter to the black hole before donning a fishbowl helmet and jetpack, flying into space and punching the Orion constellation. It then turns into the Orion Pictures logo.
Peter: They respected me for it.
- Peter thinks the world is ending, so he decides to go to a black neighborhood and shout out the N-word. The next scene has Lois in the kitchen when Peter walks up with crown, ermine cape, scepter, and a sash reading "King of the Black People".
- Brian's 26-second long puking in "Quagmire's Dad".
- Also noteworthy is Brian and Stewie's panicked, disgusting screaming immediately upon the discovery as to why he was puking. He did a transgender woman. Not just ANY transgender woman: Quagmire's dad.
- The Getting Crap Past the Radar scene from the [adult swim]/probably DVD version of the beginning of that episode, in which multiple puns are made upon the fact that the french word for seal, "phoque," sounds a lot like a certain English profanity. Spoiler alert: "fuck." Watch it here.
- This scene from "Something, Something, Something, Dark Side", featuring Luke's snowspeeder gunner, Dack.
Dack: Feeling okay, sir?
Luke (Chris): Just like new. How about you, Dack?
Dack: I feel like I could take on the whole empire myself.
Luke (Chris): Really? 'Cause that would be awesome. Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got this one!
Dack: You know it, bitches! [flies off to face the incoming fleet of Star Destroyers] Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack! [gets shot down afterwards]
Are you listening, stockholders? How can you invest in a company that makes such short-sighted decisions? I mean, this is the same company that cancelled "Family Guy" twice. Who's running that joint? Monkeys? I mean, if they're gonna be that foolish with their money, then I guess that means we can be foolish with their money, too. Like spending a bunch of it to animate a computer-generated elephant that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode. (cue appearance of CGI elephant) Did you see that? Know what that cost? $58,000.
- From the beginning of that episode, the Star Wars-esque intro credits referencing 20th Century Fox's money-making decisions:
- "The Splendid Source": In order to get away from the people who write the world's dirty jokes (who are holding them prisoner), Peter throws a candle which starts the building on fire.
Leader: Hurry! It's about to get the world's first dead baby joke!(cut to show a torn section of papyrus with hieroglyphics)Woman on Papyrus: Oh no, my baby is dead.Man on Papyrus: Ha.
- In "Go, Stewie, Go", when Meg enters and sees Lois seducing Meg's new boyfriend.
** Cue "Seinfeld" bass line.
- Peter making his poor father-in-law invite everyone to his house to watch The Big Bang Theory.
- Seamus's fake origin from "And There Were Fewer".
- Peter in the suit of armor.
- Patrick Stewart's voice cameo.
- From "Brian Writes a Bestseller":
- From the otherwise cringeworthy "Excellence in Broadcasting" there's the scene where Brian is living with Rush Limbaugh and has replaced several of his belongings with new ones made in America. All of them break except for his new cat, which moos.
- From "Welcome Back, Carter":
- Limo jousting.
Carter: Get away from my wife, you rascal!
- Carter addressing the people of France.
- From the same episode, Babs's ex-boyfriend "Rodginald".
Rodginald: Such language in the presence of a lady! If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in twixt!
Peter: Hang on Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. (to Rodginald) Penis.
Rodginald: Aaaaaaaah! <Faints>
- Peter: "I need that money for bourbon and anime!"
Peter during cutaway: I don't understand any of this. Everyone in Japan is either a ten-year old girl or a monster!
- Brian and Stewie failing their first Christmas delivery as Santa Claus in "Road to the North Pole".
Stewie: Oh my god, we're at the wrong house!
- Why can't it be both?
- The punchline makes everything better for others.
Stewie: That son of a bitch, he just turned his back on me! The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey!
- From the same episode, Stewie's lamentation when the Mall Santa left for the night...
(Gilligan Cut to Gary Busey in his bathroom, looking at the mirror)
Gary Busey: HOW'M I DOING TODAY, GARY BUSEY?!
Gary's "Reflection," a Monster Clown: (flashing double thumbs-up) YOU'RE DOIN' GREAT!
Gary Busey: (also flashing double thumbs-up) GOOD! THEN I'LL KEEP IT UP!Winnie the Pooh: "Come on, Eeyore, let's go play!
Eeyore: "I don't wanna."
Pooh: "Why not?"
Eeyore: "I have a nail in my anus."
- Stewie breaking the fourth wall in "The Big Bang Theory" by saying that a brightly-colored ad for The Cleveland Show can still appear out of nowhere.
- In the episode "New Kidney in Town", four words: Peter on Red Bull. That is all.
- Peter milking a cow, then milking it so fast its udder lights on fire. Chris then comes out, his groin also on fire.
- Peter accidentally slaughtering a row of the audience on The Price Is Right when the wheel comes loose and rolls over them.
- When Lois gets rid of the Red Bull she dumps it onto a sunflower, which proceeds to grow giant and stop a car claiming it to be "official flower business", then it throws the driver out and drives off.
- "Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull."
- When Lois asks Dr. Hartman if there's an alternative to Peter getting dialysis, he holds a revolver to Peter's temple.
- Barack Obama singing "Honestly Sincere" from Bye Bye Birdie was quite honestly the funniest thing the show has done in a very long time.
- Patrick Stewart providing the voice of Susie Swanson's inner thoughts. Yes, really.
''This feels right but it tastes like a dirty penny."
- The "Carter destroys bench" scene in "Trading Spaces."
"You loved that bench!"
- The Street Fighter II-style fight between Peter and Mr. Washi-Washi.
- The sequence in "It's A Trap!" where Brian is driving the AT-ST.
- Chewbacca/Brian being attacked by a swarm of bees.
- Oh yeah? You and what lightning hands?
- Robert Loggia screaming "NOT OKAY!" after an AIDS joke. HUGE Big Lipped Alligator Moment.
Mayor West: Oh by the way I should tell you I've got aids.Carol: What!?Mayor West: yeah, they're right over there waiting for me!Aid: Ready to go when you are, sir!Mayor West: Poor guys, they both have AIDS.
- The AIDS joke itself was much more clever then one would have expected from a show like this:
- "I heard all of that, and I just want to say this family is fucking disintegrating."
- Three words: Muppet style sight seeing.
- From the same episode, calling the music video for David Bowie and Mick Jagger's "Dancing In The Street" gay, then playing the entirety of it. It catching a lot of flack for being pointless, but it definitely turns the video into total Narm.
- Pre-wheelchair Joe performing the original American Dad! intro.
- From "Brothers & Sisters", there's Peter's flashback to - since he didn't have a brother or sister - having a "broster" in his past.
- Broster: "Hey, Peter, wanna see my paginis?"Peter: "I, uh, I...I don't know."
- The Black Woman vs. The Italian Man nature documentary cutaway from "Seahorse Seashell Party".
Italian Man: Hey, you can't park there!Black Woman: Excuse me?Narrator: Sensing confrontation, the black woman prepares by removing all her rings. Meanwhile, the Italian man makes sure that all the other Italian men, can see what's happening. A flock of Jews, sensing danger, take flight and flee, as it is their best of survivalnote .
- "IT'S NOT A LIQUID! IT'S A GREAT MANY PIECES OF SOLID MATTER, THAT FORM A HARD FLOOR-LIKE SURFACE!"
- Even though "Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q" isn't very funny (not because of weak and lazy writing, but because the episode showed Domestic Abuse as a serious problem, and not the punchline to a dark joke), it still had some funny moments:
- The Iraq Lobster.
- Peter looking through the door's peephole and seeing Quagmire distorted in the glass with a sad face. When we see Quagmire, he face really was distorted like that from lack of sleep hearing the abuse going on in his house.
Man: I don't know what this "cock-a-doodle-doo" thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in.Rooster: You're about to have a neat day.
- The cutaway of how hard it is getting a straight answer from a 23-year old girl.
- Soliciting a rooster.
- Peter mistaking Gwyneth Paltrow for a sick golden retriever.
- Brenda's childhood song to Quagmire predicting that he'll die of autoerotic asphyxiation — with Brian questioning, "This song is from childhood?"
- Peter's Mexican fart.
Mexican...ghost...thing that came out of Peter's ass: "CON CUIDADO, ES EL STIIIIINKO!" *fires guns into the air, causing everyone to run away screaming*
- Stewie crashing the car.
- Too many parts in "Back to the Pilot" to list.
Clip of Bush: Can anyone get me a clown's suitcase? I'd like to see what's inside it. (clip ends)Tom Tucker: Sorry, we seem to have the wrong clip. What's that? (touches earpiece) Really? That's it?Peter: Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. (Cut to Peter standing against a blank white background.) Matthew McConaughey is terrible.
- The dozens of alternate Brians and Stewies. That is all.
- Present Brian and Stewie making the Kool-Aid Man late for his "oh no" arrival. Followed by him tripping and shattering.
- Alternate Bush's "press statement" after the announcement that the South's leaving the Union again:
- "Pebble in my shoe, pebble in my shoe, pebble in my shoe."
- Frogmire. That is all.
Brian: That's odd. It's our house...but somehow it looks a little different.
- Also, all the jokes about the older art style, and the bit about what Cutaway gags actually look like from an outside perspective.
- Mayor West tells a story to his grandchildren, then one of them interrupts. West declares him his favourite. He then tells the story to his great-grandchildren, one of whom interrupts. The kid gets burnt to cinders with Sith Lightning.
Mayor West: Future old people are wizards.
- YE SUCK
- Peter taking one bite out of a rice cake and reacting violently to it.
- Peter trying to resist the urge of a delicious pie and warding off the cliched hand-like motion of the hot steam. So the steam tries to rape him! And it's making Quagmire watch!
- Sitting behind a giraffe at a ball game.
- The Vacation-style credits. The final one had me laughing my ass off! Chris was churning that butter pretty hard.
- Stewie's bad pun when the family winds up in Amish country. As well as Brian's reaction to it.
- Peter trying to reason with Meg's Amish boyfriend's dad. Eventually the dad agrees to let them see each other, but then Peter breaks out a radio in order to 'teach them about rock and roll.' The song on the radio that Peter sings along to at the top of his lungs? Highway to Hell.
- "This food is so fucking good Lois." "Oh, okay. Wow."
- The girls dressing Brian in a bee suit.
Stewie: Alright, I guess this is the night bitches die.
- Followed by Lois telling them to do Stewie, leading to this hilarious and badass line.
- He says this while spinning the barrel of a revolver.
Cleveland: Aw, come on! You planted that there!Peter: Oh my God! We had drugs? Why was I driving drunk when I could have been driving high?!?
- When the Southern cop who spots some (obviously planted) drugs in the guys' trunk...
- Peter ripping off someone's face a la Scooby-Doo.
- Joe's Fiona Apple tribute video.
Employee 1: OK, 4 pizzas and a salad.Employee 2: Salad? How do we make a salad?Employee 1: First, you put in the whole head of lettuce.Employee 2: Even the hard to eat white part?Employee 1: It's what the people want!Employee 2: I got a can of whole black olives, should I slice 'em up?Employee 1: Are you crazy? You gotta know you've got an olive in your mouth!Employee 2: What about this tomato?Employee 1: Slice it into thirds. It should be big enough to pretend you have red teeth.Employee 2: What about this carrot?Employee 1: Cut it once very thin lengthwise, the whole length of the carrot.Employee 2: I got some jalapeno peppers, but you can't really eat 'em.Employee 1: Just dump the whole jar in.Employee 2: Should we put it in a bowl?Employee 1: Nah, put it in a lasagna case.Employee 2: I'll take it.Employee 1: Be sure to put it right on top of the pizza to make it warm.*answers phone*Employee 1: Hello, Every Pizza Place.
- How Every Pizza Place ruins a salad.
- "Lois. Griffin. Peter. Griffin. We. Heard. A loon."
- The moment Chris introduces his new girlfriend Lindsey and we see she looks exactly like Lois.
- The "hooker."
- A blind person's interpretation of Titanic (1997).
- The Japanese version of tai-chi:
Japanese Guy #1: Hey, you wanna see a movie?Japanese Guy #2: Nah, we're Japanese; let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus.
- Brian watching The Adventures of Milo and Otis.
Brian: I mean she's teaching you guys independence.Stewie: WE'RE ONE. INDEPENDENCE MEANS WE DIE!
- When Brian learns about Stewie's horrible daycare teacher, he immediately comes over to give her a piece of his mind....until he goes in the backyard and sees her tanning in her bikini.
- Stewie is afraid of the robot on the cover of Queen's "News Of The World"
Stewie: God, why does he look SAD? He's already destroyed mankind, what else could he want?Brian: He didn't kill Queen. They're all fine. (pause) Most of them are fine.
Stewie:*To Brian* I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE NEWS OF THE WORLD IS: WE'RE IN A LOT OF GODDAMN TROUBLE!
- Later on, after being scared by a wall-sized image of the album cover.
- The fact that one of the kids at the fat camp is Barry should raise a chuckle, due to it being a funny cameo.
- Mayor West pulling hot dogs from his mouth. His score in the contest is in the negatives!
- Peter's Mundane Ghost Story ending with a take-out menu for... an all-vegan restaurant!
- Peter finding "Surfin' Bird" annoying.
- "Who else but Shirtpants?"
- Peter beating an old man with cataracts to steal his bingo board.
- In "Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream", there's a flashback cutaway where Lois is informing Chris of Francis' death 5 seasons ago. Chris's response is to inexplicably turn into part dilophosaurus and blind Lois with his spit.
- "I got a story. It's about The Little Penis That Could."
- Peter choosing a donkey with sunglasses.
Bloodhound: (sniffs air) Fuck, no way.
- Brian pissing on top of Mount Everest, and the subsequent reaction from a random dog.
Peter: A cold car ride through a dark suburban night. Look out the window and think of death, kids. Its-a comin'...
- This exchange during the trip to the Fishman's:
- Peter's version of Mad Men.
Homer: Guys, I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it!Peter: A-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.
- Carter saying that he's kept the cure for cancer a secret the year Who Let the Dogs Out? came out.
Brian: You've had it since 1999?Stewie: You know when Who Let the Dogs Out? came out?Brian: It's a song about dogs and letting them out.
- "Oh Carter, you devil!"
- Stewie's reverse diaper change.
Stewie: Oh my God, it just went back in my body.
- "WE JUST ATE SO MUCH VOMIT!"
- Reverse chicken fight and puke-a-thon.
- Brian and taking a woman with him back to the Hindenburg disaster.
- "And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, there's a dog having sex with a woman! I know I said 'Oh, the humanity' before, but seriously, oh the humanity even more! I mean, come on!"
- Peter falling up the stairs after saying he hates these "new stairs".
- The reverse bathtub gag where Cleveland's bathtub falls up.
- The cutaway of Stewie forgetting what comes after G and having to fake it.
- The reverse of time causing Lacey Chabert to be the voice of Meg instead of Mila Kunis.
- "It's a girl!...with a penis and no vagina."
- Stewie's anguished "OH BLOODY HELL!" as he is born a second time.
- "WE JUST ATE SO MUCH VOMIT!"
- Chris dropping Brian and breaking his neck.
- Quagmire's "Swiss army penis".
- Stewie getting saved by Mario.
Brian: My hearing's better, so I'm hearing like, suction and stuff.
- The horrified reactions of Meg, Chris and Brian hearing Lois and Peter banging in the basement.
- The Monty Python's Flying Circus-style opening from "Space Cadet".
Peter: "No matter what, we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we saw on the way here."
- In an Imagine Spot Chris, after Peter and Lois's deaths, turns them into singing trophies akin to a novelty animatronic bass and they sing "Hooked on a Feeling" with Lois doing the background vocals and Peter doing the main.
- Chris' principal thinking his well-done picture of Bob Belcher from Bob's Burgers is yet another example of how poorly he's doing in school.
- Chris being given money to appear on TV after modeling his hair and accent after Russell Brand's.
- Peter's invention of the razor blade comb.
- At the space camp Peter and Brian go into the sensory deprivation room. A scream is heard, then when they come out Peter's head is now on Brian's body and vice versa, Peter commenting "Things got crazy so fast!"
- We can't forget this exchange right after the family has dropped off Chris.
Meg: I don't wanna die!Lois: Oh, Meg! All those suicide threats, and you're just as chicken-shit as everyone else.
- After the Griffins are launched into space.
- When Peter watches Breaking Bad, the TV hypnotizes him to incessantly talk about what a great show both it and The Wire are. Cuing a great joke later where he brings them up and Stewie says "Ugh, he never shuts up about those shows."
- Also, while they are blasting off into space, Brian, calling YOLO, sticks his head out the window, shouting that it's the best part of whatever makes this enjoyable.
- From "Brian's Play", there's Stewie as the human resources guy for The Muppets and firing Beaker because he's been taking supplies to make crystal meth and selling it to Big Bird, who at the end of the scene comes in with bald patches on his body from scratching his feathers off.
- Peter eating his toast with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. He doesn't realize it's been replaced with real butter, and ends up getting sent to an insane asylum after murdering three children (whether the doctor meant his own children wasn't clear).
- During Stewie's "The Reason You Suck" Speech against Brian he mentions that it took Peter a year to understand Stuart Little. He wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks that "Stuart" means "mouse", Lois tells him no and he goes back to sleep, then he guesses "Little" means "mouse", Lois tells him no again, and he tells himself "I feel so old and in the way."
- Stewie's dodgeball pseudonym being "Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower".
- Stewie poaching the lead of Brian's play to cast in the production of his play in New York. The lead tells Stewie he'll be right with him and he "just has to finish this crap" while in the middle of Brian's play.
- Stewie traveling back in time, where he winds up making out with Baby Lois.
Brian: So, what happened?Stewie: None of your fucking business, that's what happened!
- Brian and his exes going back and forth about what sucked about each other.
- Kool-Aid Guy's parents meeting his girlfriend.
- Stewie accidentally being exposed to Peter's present, courtesy of Lois.
- In "Chris Cross" Chris tries to help Meg put in contacts, when before he can her eyes roll backward leaving her blind.
- Peter parachuting into Angry Birds.
- The opening of "Bigfat". Peter gets shot by his new neighbor, Stan Smith, but wakes to find it was a nightmare. At which point, Hank Hill walks in, and the whole thing is revealed to be one of his dreams.
Hank: Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.
Chris: He's doing what we're all thinking.
- Feral!Peter, who's spent over 2 months living in the wilderness. His reaction to television is to hump it.
Peter: Shut up, Meg.
- What finally snaps Peter back to normal;
- Lois talking with Bonnie on "Call Girl".
Lois: It's kind of a long story, you see...Robert Loggia: Eight f&@king hours later.
Robert Loggia: Eight f&@king hours later.
- Anime Peter.
- The whole first five minutes of the episode: Peter decides to become a falconer, and adopts a falcon named Xerxes. Some examples here.
- When Peter has sex with the disguised Lois, who he thinks is the phone whore he's fallen in love with.
Family*Singing*: Lucky there's a man who/positively can do/all the things that make us...Stewie*Yelling*: SUCK MY COCK, MOTHERFUCKER!
- In a scene on the DVD version of the episode where Lois claims her job is doing voiceovers for 'obscure European commercials', Stewie says he should try getting back into working on TV, since he hasn't been on it due to swearing. Cut to the opening titles:
- At the beginning of "Total Recall" Peter is trying to make himself sick to make his voice deeper, so he goes to a restaurant that Lindsay Lohan just ate at and licks her dessert fork. He then bleeds out of his ears and nose and demands that the busboy give him cocaine.
- Female batters.
Peter: Alright, chick batter. Everyone bring it on in.Butch Lesbian: Get a hit, babe!Batter: You know it, babe.Peter: Alright, move it back, move it back.
- From that same episode, Jerome has to adjust himself before batting. So he touches his foot.
- In "Farmer Guy", a cutaway has Peter and Lois deciding to have sex in a restaurant bathroom. Peter goes in and comes out satisfied before it's revealed that Lois never left her seat; Peter had sex with a male version of Lois who thought he was having sex with his wife, who is a female version of Peter in an in-universe example of Rule 63.
Stewie: There a lot of rottweilers in that house...
- Peter's immediate devolution into paranoia. "Welp, now that we're selling meth, I guess I'll have to turn into one of those guys who freaks out at imaginary noises!"
- Brian revealing that he's going to Quahog Tech State Tech. Stewie's response is "'Tech' is in there twice?"
- Brian's reaction when the family reveals they're going to a nice farm upstate (which, in this case, is an actual farm, not a euphemism for euthanizing Brian, as that phrase is often used to explain away the death of a pet) is comic gold.
- Peter sends a carrier pigeon to get a payment from one of his clients. After the client gives the pigeon the money, it cuts to the pigeon having blowing it on a jet ski with "Round and Round" playing.
- The meth lab exploding and destroying the whole house at the end.
Stewie: Uh, I have a cold... achoo...
- Stewie buying cough syrup for meth production from a very unconvinced pharmacist.
Peter: Hey, I thought I told you kids to go plow in the field.Chris: But dad, we've been plowing all morning.Meg: Yeah, I can't take any more plowing. I can barely walk.Peter: Look, I know it seems like dirty work, but Chris, you've got to spread that seed until your sack is empty, and Meg, you've got to clear that brush so he can plant it deep where it needs to be.Chris: Okay, we'll keep at it, but I think that hoe is pretty much worn out.Peter: Well, flip it over, you can use both sides.*all three strike a "ta-da!" pose*
- When Peter catches Meg and Chris neglecting their chores in the kitchen, this exchange follows:
- From "Roads to Vegas", there's a montage in where a magician pulls a magic trick on a white tiger in a cage which makes it switch places with Stewie. The tiger then gives Brian a high-five.
- Brian taking a hit out on Quagmire's cat, then the hitman sending him a confirmation via text.
- From "12 and a Half Angry Men", Peter accidentally dropping his phone in the toilet at a public restroom. You only hear his voice and some splashing behind a stall door and see his legs kneeling on the floor as he's struggling find it:
"Oh ow! it's so cold and it's under everything! Ugh! Feels like I'm rooting around a pitcher of sangria! Ugh, where is it? Oh god why haven't I found it yet?! Oh no, I didn't roll my sleeve up far enough! Oh, why didn't I flush when I got in here?! Augh! This isn't even all mine! Oh no, there's a spider crawling on my face!(slap) Ahh! Why didn't I use the hand that was on the floor?! WHY DID I USE MY TOILET HAND?!! Oh here it is behind the toilet.
Bruce: Guilty...guilty...some hurtful slurs followed by the word guilty...Carter: Haha...
- When Bruce is reading the second jury vote.
Quagmire: This paper just has a squiggly line on it.Carl (in his head): Careful now. You're playing a dangerous game, Carl.
- During Quagmire's demonstration of an orgy, Dr. Hartman is suspended from the ceiling in his underwear.
- And then when Quagmire throws himself on top of the orgy demonstration and displays his own move, he inexplicably melts over them all.
- The revelation that Carl can't write.
Peter: Hey, guys? I realized my jury duty's tomorrow.
- Stewie asking Brian why he's so proud about finding a man not guilty when the killer is still at large.
- Finders Keepers
- Peter's Jaw Drop when hearing about the treasure map.
- Peter disgusting Meg with his bad breath while singing "Minnie the Moocher" in the car. When she bails the car, Peter gives her "mouth to nose" resuscitation.
- Joe and Quagmire's argument about eating a Mounds bar.
- When Lois quits the treasure hunt, Peter hires Tricia Takanawa to be the new Lois.
- When Peter asks Lois to forgive him because Chris forgave him for giving him a black eye earlier, it goes to Chris rubbing an ice pack over his eye muttering "I can't wait until you fall asleep tonight."
- Peter using his cutaway setups to transport himself.
- A Fistful of Meg
Peter: Thanks, didn't want to pay for the hole.
- Meg fears getting beaten up by Mike and says she can already imagine her funeral. It then cuts away to a casket lowering into a grave...and Peter tossing Meg's corpse into the grave.
Food!Peter: Hungry! Hungry! More food for my pile! (Lois pours food onto Peter) I will assimilate this new smell into the Borg of my other smells!
- During the flashback to Meg's birth, it's shown that Peter wrote on her birth certificate to change "Megan" to "Megatron".
- When Neil tries to befriend Mike, he turns Neil into a balloon animal, sticks him to a locker then pops him with a knife.
- Stewie imagining a menstrual cycle as a Dr. Seuss-style vehicle/musical instrument.
- Peter going 6 months without bathing, causing him to turn into a sentient mass of food.
Meg: "Ooooooooohhhhhhhh, fuuuuuuuudddddddgggggggeeeeee!Jean Shepherd: "Only I didn't say fudge. I said *bleeeeeeeeep*."
- Quagmire and Meg appearing in the famous training scene from Punch Out. Peter shows up behind him and declares "I'm in the video game too!"
- Brian forcing his hairless body on Peter definitely counts as Nausea Fuel, but Chris and Lois's reactions deserve a mention: Chris claws his eyes out and Lois goes for a gun.
- Meg kills Mike by lifting up her shirt, causing him to melt Ark of the Covenant style.
- And then there's what Meg did to provoke Mike into challenging her in the first place. In a Shout-Out to A Christmas Story, Meg trips, sending her spaghetti flying and tumbling back down onto herself and Mike's jacket. The same gag is also a possible callback to Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story's reveal that Future!Meg is a female-to-male transgender.
- Boopa-Dee Bappa-Dee
Peter: "Go back? But I thought you loved Italian Peter! And Southern Italian Peter!"
- The whole family relocates to Italy. Among other things, Meg starts dating Mario. And Luigi.
- Let's not forget the gondolier in the hotel bathroom.
- When Lois says she wants to return to America, we get this exchange.
(a dark skinned Peter with a bushy black moustache walks in)
Southern Italian Peter: "Olive Oyle!"
- When the Griffins are trying to reclaim their American citizenship, which Peter renounced by changing their nationality on the networking site Shutupayofacebook, part of the test is singing the US national anthem. Everyone pulls it off, except Chris who sings the theme from The Bodyguard instead.
- The Mafia appearing. Specifically, the long gag where they threaten to steal people's credit cards. "Sure, you can dispute the charges, but you have to call them, and it's always like they don't believe you."
- Meg and Chris attending school in Italy. Their teacher's "lecture" only involves her shaking her gigantic breasts around while chanting, "Ratatatatatata!"
- HEY LOIS, (C)ANAL TONIGHT?
- Life of Brian
Quagmire: Damn it Ortiz, stop swinging at junk!
- Although no one (at the time it aired, at least) really got any laughs out of this one, there's a humorous moment when at the funeral Mayor West complains that nobody went to his funeral, then gets out of his chair and walks backwards fading away, revealing that he's a ghost.
- Quagmire, known to hate Brian's guts, watching baseball at his funeral.
- The cutaway about Joe driving Grimace around town.
- Joe getting hit by a black woman with a purse.
- At the vet, Peter sits next to a decapitated chicken holding his head in his right arm. The chicken then tells Peter that he has a bad reputation in the chicken community.
- YMMV: After Brian gets run over, a squirrel kicks him, spits on him and says "That guy sucked!".
- Into Harmony's Way
- The Griffins watching Muppet Babies in where Kermit and Miss Piggy are looking at Kermit Jr., who is a frog-pig hybrid whose every waking moment is agony.
- Quagmire getting followed home by an M-to-F transvestite, whose face is still very masculine and has a 5 o'clock shadow.
- It's implied he still had sex with her as long as no one saw her come inside.
- Mort's fall from fame as the manager of Earth, Wind & Fire (and Pollen), and the reveal that he used to be much better looking.
- It's even better than that. Mort reveals that he had an addiction during his manager days - olives, which actually turned him into a handsome, deep voiced guy at one point, which is treated by him like a drug addled rock star lamenting his lost good looks.
- The lyrics of all of Peter and Quagmire's songs. Special mention goes to "Train on the Water, Boat on the Track" and Get Out Of The Left Lane, You Stupid Asian B***
- When Peter feels bad about leaving the family behind, he imagines what Thanksgiving will be like without him to cut the turkey. Cut to Lois vacuuming the turkey not knowing what to do.
- The Black Albino Choir.
- Peter and Quagmire kissing.
- Peter committing suicide in the ending, right after the family reunion was played as a typical positive sitcom moral.
- Christmas Guy
Lois: Chris, calm down. You're getting a nosebleed.
- When Stewie is angered that the Christmas Carnival has been cancelled, we see Lois and Peter inside conversing of how Carter now has blood on his hands while Stewie is outside talking down the Christmas lights from the house across the street, making out with and beheading a snowman and finally nuking the entire town.
- After that, when Lois mentions that her father always hated Christmas, the scene cuts away to Carter coming down Santa's chimney on June 16th and touching all of Santa's stuff with his soot-covered hands.
- Also the scene where Peter mentions that canceling the carnival is making people think Carter is Jewish. Carter is alerted by this and we get a Smash Cut to the carnival now open.
- Stewie acknowledging him not aging when Lois says that it's his first Christmas and him replying "Again?"
- "I LOVE THE CHRISTMAS CARNIVAL!!!"
- Peter Problems
- Peter screws up making dinner, but not in a way you'd expect; he puts three chickens in the chairs at the table, pulls a roasted Chris out of the oven, opens the freezer to find Stewie frozen, and finds that he cut off Meg's head and microwaved it, then it proceeds to explode like an overcooked hot dog.
- Dr. Hartman discovering that Viagra and Cialis are for erectile dysfunction after thinking they were antidepressants. The scene cuts to Droopy staring outside lamenting "Everything's just getting harder and harder."
- Peter attempting to chug a 600 gallon container of Pawtucket Patriot beer, resulting in him passing out, crashing his forklift through a wall, and nearly killing most of the board of directors.
- Lois's job interview at the grocery store, which just consists of her answering "groceries" to every question. And she still gets the job.
- Peter and Quagmire using the forklift to drag Joe around by his shirt to let him pretend he's walking again. His pants fall off at one point, but he's so happy that he doesn't notice.
- Peter using his pay raise to afford a fancy cutaway setup involving jets and lightning.
- Peter gets his job back by cashing in a coupon for a job redo he got for Valentine's Day. And another coupon for a hug that's expired.
- Bach and Debussy
- "You get to see all the food before it's famous!"
- "Grimm Job"
Jack: "I never even friggin heard of magic beans until you brought them up! If I get some, it's you that caused it!"
- In "Jack and the Beanstalk", Jack and his wife gets into an argument about the magic beans.
Jack: "You know, it's odd that you would speak gibberish of your own choosing, and still not have it rhyme."
- Jack hangs a lampshade on the Giants "fee fi fo fum" bit.
Stewie: "Why is there a bag of ice in here? And... is this a Coors Party Ball?! Is grandma entertaining Florida jetski people?"
- In "Little Red Riding Hood", Peter/The Woodsman randomly bursts in and violently bisects Brian/The Wolf with a chainsaw, then runs out again. Stewie then asks that he's not sure if The Woodsman is the hero of the story or some lunatic going house to house murdering people.
- Considering that you then hear him break into the house next door and murder the occupants, its probably the latter.
- The items in the basket Red Riding Hood's mom gives her to bring to grandmother's house.
Cinderella (Lois): Oh, you know. I have an eye for fashion and I'm pretty good with my hands.
- During the Cinderella segment, when Stewie asks Cinderella (Lois) how the made her dress so fast.
Mouse 1: Unbelievable!
Mouse 2: Now I'm nervous about the screenplay we gave her.
- Also, Cinderella recalling how the stepsisters pranked her by having King Midas go third-base on her.
- "Oh God, we have so few female characters."
- Brian's a Bad Father
Lion: What's up now, bitches!?
- When Brian gets fired from the show, he decides to take some of the table food for himself, eventually stuffing the entire table into his car.
- The cutaway involving the MGM lion living his childhood dream of "sticking his head in a circle at the beginning of movies".
Stewie: "You know, when you say "for this", it really telegraphs what you're going to do."
- The return of Zac Sawyer.
- The ending, in which Peter is now (even more) mentally retarded after Quagmire shot him in the head.
- Then there's Brian trying to get into the studio, only to quickly realize that making a warning threat to a guard only makes you easy to read.
Peter: Hey, Lois, if I was gonna kill myself, do I slit my wrists this way or this way.
- Peter asking Lois what's the best way to slash one's wrists, and Meg (who's done this before) gives Peter helpful advice:
Meg: (offscreen) Sideways for attention, long way for result.
- Mom's the Word
Peter: Finally, now I can go to the-
- S.T. the Special Terrestrial.
- Stewie trying to kill himself by dropping a toaster in the bathtub, only for the electricity to turn him into Toaster Man.
- When Peter first meets Evelyn, he asks if she's Cocoon, and apologizes for not having any glowing rocks that makes you younger.
- When Peter accidentally kills Evelyn by hugging her too hard.
- Peter struggling to make it to the restroom with people trying to invite him to certain things. He then beats ups everyone while still walking to the restroom a la Airplane!
- Even better is the reason for his Potty Emergency, he ate a taco he found in the parking lot. In the end, he ends up having to wear his shirt as a pair of improvised pants home.
- When Peter and Lois look through a book which has young Peter's footprints in it, the last pages shift from having normal human footprints to having giant three-toed reptilian clawed footprints.
- 3 Acts of God
Peter: Now, where are the gays?
- Jerusalem is filled with clones of Mort, and Joe throws pennies to attract them like throwing crumbs to pigeons. Admit it, you chuckled.
- Brian defending his atheism despite the fact that Peter met God by saying that Peter believes Mickey Mouse is somehow always there whenever he goes to Disney World.
- The cutaway showing Peter setting up cutaways.
Gay Man: Over here.
Peter: No, the really cartoony gays.
Cartoony Gay Man: Yooooohooooo!Peter: Yeah, we're gonna need you all week.
Peter: What better place to search for God than the most spiritual country on Earth!
- Peter making a cutaway that leads to a pedophile joke, then complaining to the Television Academy about them not winning an Emmy, saying that they would lave laughed at the joke had Modern Family done it.
- At the end where Meg fades into thin air.
- One of the stops on the gangs journey to find God is India.
(The screen pans out, revealing the chaotic, filthy mess of an Indian city.)
Peter: God is not here.
I would like to thank God and a jury of my peers, without whom I would not be playing today.
- Mario Williams' line:
I've got headaches. Oh well, at least I can donate my brain to science. (shoots self in chest)
- Chris going through the NFL Experience.
- Vestigial Peter
- Peter and Lois go to the mall and enter a Sears, which has now become a Mad Max-style wreckage.
- Fresh Heir
Peter: Oh god, there's no light! There's only fire!
- When Peter fades out of existence after accidently tearing up his birth certificate.
Peter: I've learned something today. Its wrong for a man to take his son to Vermont to gay marry him for his inheritance.
- When Peter bonds with a stranger and lets him in a car and plays "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", then Peter throws him out of the car.
- When Carter and Chris make the pizza dude eat a plate of potatoes to get his tip.
- The moral at the end.
Stewie: You... you should have known that already.
Peter: By the way, this is a reference to a Woody Allen movie. He also married one of his kids.
- The reason Lois was able to track down Peter so fast? Several people had called the police about a man marying his son.
- The Woody Allen reference that closes off the episode.
- Secondhand Spoke
Peter: Lois, why does everyone here look like Emperor Palpatine?
- Peters reaction to the smokers support group.
Chris: You have a sister too!
- When Peter tried to prove that he does smoke he put a cigarette in his ear, then his eye, then his balls.
- Chris' bad insult to the bullies.
- One of the bullies tries to defend having a microphallus by saying that he can reset his cable box with it.
- Peter being unable to go more than about 30 seconds without smoking once he's hooked.
- Herpe, the Love Sore
Stewie: Manny? Manny, I'm gonna have you take off speakerphone for this...
- The coked-up giraffe.
- Stewie and Chris humiliating Brian by hacking into his Facebook page to exploit the fact that he has herpes.
- The show Bryan Cranston Sneezes. Which is essentially just Bryan Cranston sneezing, then being handed an Emmy. Bonus points: This was a live action clip, with the real Bryan Cranston.
- The first person Stewie calls about herpes? Handy Manny.
Stewie: Hey Peter, thats a Cool Hwip! *Peter lashes him across the face with the whip* AHHH! I thought you couldn't understand me!!
- Peter playing around with the whip he stole from Quagmire's mail.
Peter: "I was here during the Apollo Space Crash."Flashback Peter: "Oh God, No."Peter: "I was here during 9/11 bombings."Flashback Peter: "Oh God, No."Peter: "I was here they elected Obama."Flashback Peter: "Oh God, No."
- YMMV: Peter declaring how important his booth is to him and how every single important event in his life happened in that booth.
- The Most Interesting Man in the World
Old Stewie: Please dont holler, I dont understand anything! I'm very frightened!
- Stewie as a grandfather confused about Skype.
Peter: "I told no one what I was doing today!"
- "Great, we woke up the doorbell."
- Peter going cavejumping.
- Smart Peter utterly schooling Brian and exposing him as the pretentious faux-intellectual he is.
- Peter replacing the TV with a bookshelf, and offers various books to replace popular tv shows, such as Frankenstein to The Walking Dead. When he brings up Game of Thrones he offers... Game of Thrones.
- When the family gets sick of Smart Peter, they decide to reset him to his original personality by sending him to the dumbest city in the U.S.: Tucson, Arizona. To drive it home, it's filled with snaggletoothed idiots who gleefully punch each other in the nuts.
- Dial Cross-Species Shampoo, for people who like showering with their dog.
- Baby Got Black
Peter: It's AWESOME!
- When Peter, Quagmire and Joe try to see who can go the longest without sleeping and they see hallucinations.
- When one of the lobsters at the restaurant makes a sexual innuendo about Jeromes daughter, and Chris tells the waiter to give him that one for dinner.
- Peters "Thank the whites" song, mostly the part with black people contributing to pop singers like Eminem and Justin Bieber.
- Peter telling Chris about sex.
- Peter dancing to Footloose.
- Meg Stinks!
Drunkee: THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR SPORTS!!
- "Anal Roberts" university.
- "It's hard to get into, but once you're in it's worth it."
- Drunkee The Incredibly Offensive Indian Stereotype Sports Mascot
Meg: I thought you liked working at the toy factory.
- When Brian is blinded by the skunk he runs around the house and grabs Chris's leg, so Chris beats him with Stewie. Then the smell scares the roaches out of the wall and they form together into a giant hand to open the door and leave, but since they were 70% of the structure of the house the roof collapses on everyone.
- When Lois asks if it's covered by their insurance, Peter replies that they don't cover acts of dog, then crawls over to a drum kit to do a rimshot.
- Brian's nephew Scrappy Brian, who gets randomly eaten by a velociraptor.
- When Peter gets his hand cut off by a bridge, he grows a new one and his discarded hand grows into his Evil Twin Retep, who like Evil Stewie has the color of his shirt and pants inverted. He later appears and puts a rock on the lawn knowing Brian will run over it, then when Peter and Meg are flying away in the Megcopter Peter sees him murdering a woman.
- Peter as a pediatrist.
Peter: Hell no, I always wanted to be a pediatrist!
(Cut away to Peter rubbing an old woman's feet)
Old Woman: Thanks to you Dr. Griffin my bunion is healed and I can walk without pain.
Peter: (Looking at the audience) This isn't a joke. I once had legitimate aspirations.
Peter: I got one too!
- Peter's claim that all Bob Seger songs are actually about taking dumps. It's made clear by the titles Night Moves (Crapping in the middle of the night), Fire Inside (Presumably a Potty Emergency), Like a Rock (Constipation), and Against the Wind (Crapping out of a car window).
- A spider luring a group of flies into its web with a sign reading "Free Aerosmith Tickets".
- Arnold Schwarzenegger without an accent.
- Meg getting her body covered in piercings, which attract all of the magnets in a gift shop except for one which clings to a piercing Peter got on his penis.
West: Haha, wow that dog moves fast when it rains.
- When Brian gives a speech to Stewie explaining why he's staying outdoors, he immediately teleports back in the house in-between thunderstrikes when it starts to storm. It's then revealed that Mayor West was watching them on a crystal ball.
- "Anal Roberts" university.
- He's Bla-ack!
(Mort trips)Peter: Are you alright?Mort: Why do you care?!
- Peter, Joe, and Quagmire ragging on Cleveland about how crappy his show was.
- When Peter and Cleveland morphed their skin colors to avoid being seen by Donna.
- The "Roof Baby" segment, as seen here.
- Peter putting on the silent headphones and then hears a voice in his head screaming that he does not want to kill the people on the plane with Peter panicking.
- Peter marrying a band member that was staring at him.
- When Peter and Joe pretend to arrest Cleveland.
- When Lois tells Peter to stay away from "that Brown family", Stewie notes that what she said had more racist implications than intended.
- The flashback montage showing all the good times Peter and Cleveland had, some examples when he meet him in the 80s, sang karaoke and Peter pulling Cleveland's pants down.
- Cleveland walking in the middle of the theme song to switch places with Mort
- Chap Stewie
Lois: There-there, sweetie. (Stewie bites her finger) AAAHH! SCREW YOU, YOU LITTLE TURD!!!
- Lois trying to calm Stewie during his tantrum.
Meg: Aww, you wanna hug from your big sister? (Stewie headbutts her nose, breaking it) OW!
- Even funnier, Meg trying to give Stewie a hug.
Peter: They think I'm Bruce Willis.
- Chris and Stewie opening a lemonade stand only for the lemonade to somehow gain sentience, run away and stuff Chris into the pitcher.
- Peter wishing that Meg be crushed by a meteor, then a Snickers bar coming out from inside the meteor.
- TOAST HOUSE!
- British Stewie being crushed by a stage light and regular Stewie doing nothing to help him, making this the second time Stewie has been indifferent toward himself from an alternate timeline.
- The various interchangeable Downton Abbey parodies that Stewie likes.
- When Stewie shaves Peters hair in his sleep, Lois says he looks like a movie star. The next day, he's approached for an autograph on the street
Passersby: That was the monster from The Goonies!
British Dad: This is our one superflous employee who I am not having a homosexual affair with.
- British Stewies father.
Servant: Sir, we have a meeting in the broom shed.
(British Dad hands Stewie over to his mother) This is our last physical contact until I give you a firm handshake on your 18th birthday, son.
- The only toy in Stewie's crib being an 18th century flintlock dueling pistol.
- Stewie stealing plutonium from the research centre at Cambridge by carrying around a cup of tea and politely greeting the guards, making him utterly unremarkable to them.
- UNGA BUNGA!
- The Simpsons Guy
Peter: Jeez, its not like the Internet to lose its mind over nothing.
- Peters brief career as a newspaper cartoonist, which consists mostly of amateurish scribbles paired with ancient jokes. It is a massive success, until he draws a sexist cartoon about women and dishwashers. at which point the Griffins are forced into exile.
Hans: Oh dear, I was using this car as pants!
- The Griffins' car being stolen just outside Springfield, with most of the episode consisting of Homer and Peter trying to find it. It eventually turns out that Hans Moleman stole it by accident.
Abe: I'm old so I'm the victim!
- Just after getting the car back, Peter gets run over by Abe Simpson.
Stewie: Hey Moe? Your sister's being raped! *hangs up the phone and turns to a shocked Bart* Was that it? Was that one?
- Stewie's unsettling attempt at doing a prank call to Moe's Tavern.
- Marge forcing Brian to eat in the kitchen with Santas Little Helper.
- Peter referring to Apu as "funny-sounding Cleveland".
- Peter telling Homer that to find the car, they have to think like a car. Cut to the two outside a gas station forcing themselves to drink $40 worth of gasoline.
- The Book of Joe
- Joe publishing his children's book under the name Steve Chicago because he doesn't want the guys at the station to know he wrote it, due to them panning his mime act.
- Cleveland cleaning a pair of paintbrushes in Joe's pool.
- Peter's insane sequel to The Hopeful Squirrel.
- "Brian, why does everything you touch turn to garbage?"
- "That's right, the sun's a black guy."
- Baking Bad
Lois: That was the right thing to do, Peter.
- Peter smashing the annoying woman who comes in and samples cookies all the time and claims "she's so bad" over the head with a metal tray.
Stewie: (drunkly pointing to all his stuffed animals): Mr. Giraffe who lets little boys grind on his rump. Or Mr. Octopus who, who let's little boys grind on his rump. [etc]
- Peter gradually turning the cookie store into a strip club that gives out free cookies.
- Stewie getting drunk off cough syrup to the point where Brian stages an intervention with all his stuffed animals.
- The Cookie Monster being the head of the bank.
- Brian the Closer
Old Man: The harbor is poison! *Peter shuts the blinds quickly*
- Cleveland finding a human head in a freezer...then getting distracted by sherbet.
- Peter opening the blinds to see if there's an ocean view, only to reveal the old man living in the apartment across the alley standing in his window.
- Joe's first impression of Quagmires new apartment
- Part of the pitch video Brian shows Quagmire describes the apartment as "something a Persian guy would call a little too much".
- Turkey Guys
Peter: Brian, I love Train.
- Peter and Brian finding a Train song on the radio. After a few seconds of denial...
Brian: I fucking love Train!
- The live turkey Peter brings to Thanksgiving dinner. At first it looks like theyre going to play a stock Aesop about Thanksgiving when he doesnt want to kill it, until it pecks his face, at which point he takes it out back and kills it.
- The 2,000 Year Old Virgin
- (none yet)
- Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure
Brian: Hey guys, I got his pen!
- "You're watching Amazon Prime, the network that brought you your sunscreen in two days."
- Young!Peter failing homeroom by saying "There" during roll call.
- Peter tries to get Chris to study by nailing the door shut, but he left his phone in Chris' room and Lois is sending dirty pictures of herself to it.
- Chris, thinking he's dreaming, cuts off his arm because he thinks there's no consequences, so Stewie and Brian travel back six minutes to try it again.
- After the time machine heads through time, Rupert tells the rest of Stewie's stuffed animals he's straight.
- Brian causes Hemingway to shoot himself in 1920 Paris.
- The gang stops in 1798 to release farts, which helps Jane Austen write "Pride And Prejudice".
- Brian heads to steerage to look for Chris, then finds out that everyone, even the baby, looks and sounds like Peter.
- Stewie gets the string quartet on the Titanic to play "Danger Zone".
- The disclaimer at the end of the episode states all the historical facts were checked by Wikipedia and to learn more about history, go to Yahoo Answers.
- Our Idiot Brian
Brian: I mean, I was having fun, making new friends, getting laid all the time, sleeping like a rock, but you made the call. You unilaterally decided that I was better off as a bitter, alcoholic failure, who can only hang out with a baby.Stewie: Hey...we have fun.
- Brian hanging a nice lampshade on Stewie tricking him into getting his brain tumor removed.
Man: (singing while doing the Charleston): No TV, movies suck, all the girls have a dudes haircut, wear a suit to breakfast! Underwear that laces up, you will die of measles!
- Peter telling Brian theyre gonna party like its the Roaring 20's, and the following cutaway.
Brian Being in this hospital bed-I feel like the main character of As I Lay Dying as he or she lay dying!Stewie Oh, that's just the amount of superficial quasi-knowledge the old Brian had.
- Brian in the hospital:
- The entire montage of Peter and Brian doing crazy things set to "Cotten Eye Joe"
- This Little Piggy
- The cutaway of Brian and Stewie on Lets Make A Deal.
- "Somehow my foot got pregnant while watching Tower Heist."
- The giant pile of corpses of people who have O.D'd at the music festival.
- Stewie taking the bra of the girl he and Brian were going to have a threesome with after she overdoses because she owed him 40 dollars, then tells Brian he's going to trade it for Gatorade.
- Stewie trying to find a comfortable position on the ground but he eventually gives up and stands.
- Quagmire's Mom
Peter: Okay here's the field, goodbye forever! (Peter runs into his car and drives right into a tree) AAUGHH! MEG, I'M INJURED! PLEASE HELP ME! I SMELL GAS! (Car bursts into flames) MEG, I'M STILL ALIVE, BUT I'M BADLY BURNED! COME SAVE MY LIFE AND NURSE ME BACK TO HEALTH! OH GOD, WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?!
- The episode's first cutaway, in which Peter takes Meg on a "field trip" (attempting to abandon her in a field), only to receive comeuppance for it.
Quagmire: Peter, I want you to take care of my antique gold Rolex watch.Peter: Aw, cool! A throwing watch!Quagmire: No, Peter..and I cannot emphasize this enough-this is not a throwing watch.Peter Oh, I get ya.(Quagmire hands Peter the watch; Peter tosses it into the distance.)Peter It didn't come back like you said it would.
- Peter's karaoke phase cutaway, which is Peter waiting for the lyrics of "Baba O'Riley" to start.
- Peter in an ad parody for The General car insurance.
- Chris complaining that they haven't shown the girl Quagmire was accused of raping during his trial.
- "Did you hear about you ex-husband yet? He had a, uh, procedure."
- The Quagmire/Peter watch scene:
Joe: Hah, score! *turns back to Quagmire* You're disgusting!
- Joe coming to arrest Quagmire for sleeping with the underage girl, only to be interrupted by the Facebook update Quagmire posted about it.
- Kid!Quagmire learned his ABCs by memorizing the names of all the guys his mom slept with in alphabetical order.
- Encyclopedia Griffin
Peter: I wonder if Cleveland's gonna want his sax back.
- The license plate on Stewie's tricycle reads "UB40 FAN".
- The zoom-in on Chris' sex doll Heather in his closet similar to that of the evil monkey.
- The cutaway of Peter teaching old Asians to board a subway train.
- Joe's voicemail message.
- Peter playing the clarinet through his butt with a mask of Kenny G's face on it.
- Chris with Hamster Dance Tourette's Syndrome.
- "If it's the shot from Psycho where you can see Anne Heche's bunghole, I've already seen it."
- Stewie Is Enciente
Adam: Mazel tov!
- Tom Tucker trying to read a news story while yawning.
- The cutaway of Stewie robbing the Joseph A. Bank... by simply buying three suits for $99.
- Stewie throws preschool applications into his artificial insemination machine.
- In the subplot, the guys plan a viral video. Joe suggests him doing impressions, but they're all his voice.
- "That's odd. Your vagina seems to have a penis and two testicles."
- After Stewie finishes giving birth in Brian's car, Mayor Adam West looks in one of the car's windows.
- After Cleveland tells Peter Stewie was pregnant, Peter says he didn't notice because Lois is in charge of the kids.
- The frog/chimp gangrape scene, in a Black Comedy way.
- Dr. C And The Women
Announcer: PUNISH! YOUR! TOILET!
- The ad for Outback Steakhouse Extreme, which serves larger portions than Outback Steakhouse.
Adam: Let me tell you something. (grabs Cleveland by the shirt collar) You're absolutely (bleep) right. (lets go) Time to put on my spaghetti hat! (puts on a strainer filled with spaghetti, then leaves)
- A blind man calls Meg gross.
- After Cleveland diagnoses Mayor Adam West as a sociopath:
- Later on, he tells Cleveland he killed nine people... and he has ducks on his feet.
Lois: If the green shirt goes around 30 times in five minutes, you get to have a Diet Coke!
- Dirty Amelia Bedelia.
- Lois watching the clothes spin around in the dryer.
- After Donna calls Lois, a pop-up video bubble appears on screen reading "Donna is Cleveland's wife."
- It's used as a plot point later on.
- Meg fighting jealous TSA agent Marla with confiscated items as weapons.
Peter: This is what we practiced for!
- The cutaway of the Griffins getting excited over the Mc Rib coming back.
Humpty Dumpty: Well, that's the last time I drink and masturbate on top of a high wall.Doctor: Maybe next time go straight to a medical professional instead of all the kings horses and all the kings illiterate servants.
- After Peter climbs up a billboard, Cleveland, Joe and Quagmire moisturize their hands.
- At salsa band practice, Peter wonders what's in his maracas, which leads to him thinking about killing his and Joe's babies.
- Mayor Adam West hands Peter the key to the city, then leaves him in charge while he goes on a two-week vacation.
- "I never stop to think. That's why I've had ringworm 11 times. I will roll in anything."
- After Joe quits his job and leaves Bonnie, he fires a bullet in the air. The bullet then calls his mom.
- Humpty Dumpty after his fall.
Lois: Thank you, Jazzercize!
- Joe tries to tip a cow, but he gets pushed back.
- The sign on Niagara Falls: "As seen on that spray starch can".
- Peter and Lois accidentally wearing each other's pants.
Lois: I dont know why your father wanted this, but we're honoring his request.
- Peter imagining his funeral, including two fat hula dancers on either side of his coffin, three monkeys singing "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer", and each mourner eating a soft pretzel.
Joe: She'll be so grateful she'll have to take me back.
- Joe tries to kill himself twice by rolling off the Niagara Falls, but gets stuck on the same branch every time.
- Joe's plan for getting Bonnie back at the end of the episode, he had hired a few guys to do a home invasion on a Tuesday, so he could show up and be the hero.
Peter: Joe. Today's Tuesday.
Joe: (looking at his watch) Well, poop.
- Once Bitten
Cleveland: If it seems like he dead, he ain't dead!
- The clip from Yet Another Indiana Jones Movie: "Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads?"
- The Warsaw Globetrotters killing the jaunty tune Sweet Georgia Brown with their deadpan singing and depressing lyrics.
- To practice for giving dog suppositories to Brian, Peter watches an episode of Lassie where Timmy does just that.
- Morgan Fairchild farting into a hole that leads to Tom Sizemore's air conditioning unit.
- The cutaway of Peter being stuffed in a jack-in-the-box and crushing a child.
- Brian's A Clockwork Orange style torture of watching clips of things that scare dogs, such as an old lady vacuumimg and a live-action photo of Michael Vick.
- Neil holds up a picture of Sean Penn dressed similar to Mort.
- Peter wearing a bow tie to piss off Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire.
- The "Let's All Go to the Lobby" ad, updated as a PSA against theater shootings.
- After Cleveland saw Halloween II, Peter tells Brian to search for Michael Myers.
- A couple who lives a few blocks away from the Griffins commenting on the show and telling the audience at home about them.
- Roasted Guy
Peter: If I have cancer, we're all going to Brazil.
- "Two chair jokes in the same monologue. Sloppy."
- The premature volcano.
- Peter gets confused for two lesbian baristas that look like him.
- A panda hiding in a pile of black and white pillows because he doesn't want to have a baby.
- Peter getting a mammogram.
- Peter and Lois confused about Battlestar Galactica.
- The montage of Peter practicing for the women's U.S. Olympic Diving trials.
- How Peter ruins a wedding: He bribes a busboy to stab the groom.
- The show ends with Peter saying that men are better than women, followed by a list of the show's staff, split into gender. There's only one woman and every other name is a man.
- Fighting Irish
Stewie: Hey, I'm still in here!
- Peter throwing furniture into a giant Dumpster.
Peter: The back is just mashed potatoes now.
- "Hmm, I guess I could get the mail at night."
- The parade of all the women Quagmire has slept with by country.
- Quagmire's 1,000th sexual conquest (which he does onstage in front of the whole street)? A largemouth bass, which causes one woman and five children to leave.
- "We're here to see Liam Neeson, the guy who wears the same long jacket in his movies."
- Peter, dressed as Mrs. Potato Head, getting raped by Colin Farrell.
- "How much disease could a woodchuck doctor cure if a woodchuck could cure disease?"
- What causes the fight between Liam and Peter: Peter says his storyline in Love Actually was the second-worst.
- Take My Wife
Peter: (to the lifeguard) I'm gonna be here all week.
- The episode starts with Peter winning a poker game with a full house consisting of three jokers and two instruction cards.
- Barbara Pewterschmidt as the old woman in a rap video who gets used to it.
- Because an epic battle between owls and hornets would cost too much to animate, they decide to show stock footage of an old plane failing to take off instead.
- Peter pushing a potted palm tree into a swimming pool.
- Checking out Hot or Not pictures, Brian rates a woman a 10 and a man 1. Stewie does vice versa. Then a picture of Carey Mulligan appears and both rate her a 5.
- "I'd thought we'd all go down to the swimming hole and swim in a hole."
- After finding out that all the couples are incompatible (and that includes a girl Quagmire brought along), the men clap.
- Stewie admired the shine from Carter's shaven ankles.
- The cutaway of Peter making the house like a museum. When Lois tries to pick up the remote, Peter runs in and tells Lois not to touch it.
- Stewie playing with Buble wrap. Every time he pops a bubble, we hear Michael Buble talking about how he arouses mothers, word by word.
- "We now return to Police Chases... That End In Fire."
- Pilling Them Softly
(cut to everyone at the Clam)Cleveland: You could have just quit the show. (end of episode)
- Stewie bothering a preschool student during naptime.
- Peter cheering while watching a NASCAR race.
- After the producer of a Channel 5 cooking show awkwardly tries to shake hands with Peter and Quagmire, Peter doesn't know what to do next, so he hugs the producer.
- Peter tries to do the Cinnamon Challenge while Quagmire rambles on about mince pie.
- "Hey, guess why they call me a box turtle."
- Junior Chef Peter's helpful tips.
- Peter gets fired from Quagmire's show by Mr. Spacely.
- Stewie looking at all the water in the dehumidifier.
- The cook-off training montage, but mostly Peter during random things to Cleveland's rear end.
- "Yesterday, I watch Chris shower for half an hour because I thought it was the TV. He, uh, just lies there."
- The winning dish in the cook-off: A packet of tartar sauce.
- As Peter apologizes to Quagmire, he has various heart attacks and strokes at the same time.
- Peter and Quagmire about to say a word you can't say on TV...
- Papa Has A Rollin' Son
Peter: Oh, now that I'm inside the barrel, he gave you and your sister HPV.
- The Autistic Postman Always Rings 400 Times. All we hear is a doorbell ringing over and over.
- Glen clothes shopping with his father.
- Peter as a break-up rodeo clown.
Adam West: Excuse me, young man, are those Bugle Boy jeans?
- Rudolph the Uncircumsized Reindeer.
- Peter crying like Snoopy.
- A Boston fortune cookie.
- In the subplot, Stewie discovers Tom Cruise in a kids' clothing score because that's where he buys his clothes.
- The guys try to hang Joe over a horse. It doesn't work.
- At the end, we see the horse wearing a pair of pants. Guess who notices.
- "I read the chart wrong. Apparently, I have something called... 'dislucksia'?"
- Meg's the only one to show up at her birthday party at a restaurant. She asks for bread while unwrapping her gifts and gets charged for it.
- After Joe says "Hurts like the Dickens", we cut to Charles Dickens nipple-twisting his publisher.
- Stewie doing karate in a gym mirror.
- Joe reveals himself to his (handicapped-hating) dad by taking off Peter's glasses, suprising Dad and Peter.
- Quagmire's date with Lois