Funny / Family Guy

  • Whenever Brian acts like an actual dog.
    • From "Back to the Woods", when Brian, who is tied up to the pole because James Woods, who has recently stolen Peter's identity (and everything he has), does not like the fact that Brian is snooping around:
    Brian (tugging on rope): This is humiliating. I went to Brown, for God's sa—
    (spots squirrel running past, starts chasing and barking at it wildly until the rope snags him backward)
    Brian (confused): What the hell? The rope was longer, now it's shorter! What kind of black magic is this?
    • From "12 and a Half Angry Men", when Quagmire harps on Brian, thinking that he knows how the judicial system works, when he can't even understand his relationship with the mailman.
    (zoomed out shot showing Brian coming out from behind the garage on all fours and chasing the mailman away)
    Brian: You motherfucker, get out of here or I'll kill you!! But come back tomorrow, same time, b-because I get sad on Sundays when you're not here.
    • In "New Kidney in Town", Peter complains that he didn't get any sleep because Brian and the neighbor dogs kept him up all night.
    Brian: (calling out from outside the window) Hello? Hello!
    Dog: Hello!
    Brian: Hey! Hey, are you a dog?
    Dog: Yeah, I am!
    Brian: I am also a dog!
    Dog: Yeah, we're both dogs!
    • From "Quagmire's Quagmire" we have Brian's reaction to firetrucks
    Brian: Oh my god! (runs from one side of the couch to the other) Ooowwwooooowwwwooooooo! I'm matching the sound! Awwwwooooouuuuwwoooo!! (runs back and forth frantically) Is what I'm doing helping?!
  • Peter Griffin's epic fights with Ernie the Giant Chicken. And in reverse!
    • The fact that Peter is always able to go right back to whatever he's doing afterwards, no matter how long and dragged out the fight was. Not to mention that the people he was talking to prior to the fight are just waiting for him to come back, and go right on with their conversations as if nothing happened.
  • Adam West. Cloud Cuckoo Lander taken to extremes.
    • I believe you mean ADAM WE.
    • All of his scenes in the episode about gay marriage.
    West: (seeing his own blood) Oh my God... I'm a tomato!
    • "Perhaps it was the Noid...who should have avoided ME."
    • "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm trying to get all the As out."
    • "So it's a shouting contest you want, is it? Well, game on, Quahog! AAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAH! AAA- I'm beating you!"
    • The Adam West song.
    • And let's not forget the cat launcher, which is a crossbow with cats. It's as awesome as it sounds.
    • Kebert Xela.
    • Adam West wanted all graves covered with concrete because he's afraid of zombies. "You'll thank me when no one eats our brains. You'll thank me." He later runs away screaming "zombie" after Quagmire comes out of his grave.
    • Adam West's disastrous press conference in "Twelve and a Half Angry Men."
    Child writing for elementary school newspaper: Mayor West, are you afraid of the dark?
    West: I thought I'd made it clear to you that asking me about the dark was off limits! This press conference is OVER!
    • "Old people are wizards in the future."
    • Adam West giving a eulogy when Peter and his friends are lost at sea.
    Adam West: The Bible declares, "an eye for an eye", so let us now take our vengeance against this murderous ocean." (takes out a knife and stabs a beach several times). You won't be hurting anyone anymore".
    • Mayor Adam West was arguably even more surreal during the early episodes, when he was still happily providing permits in-between his insane conspiracy theories and exclusively tucking/rolling from his bathroom to his office.
  • The Running Gag, seen where Peter's latest contraption gashes a hole in Cleveland's house, making Cleveland, in his bathtub, come crashing to the ground.
    Peter: Oh yeah, Cleveland moved...
    • Made even FUNNIER than, in an episode, a missile launched by Mayor West STILL manages to land and hit Cleveland's house in his own show!
    Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, no, nooooooo! * Falls*
    Tim the Bear: * Walks in screen* ...I don't get it.
    • And then the gag manages to be incorporated into "Something, Something, Something, Dark Side", when Cleveland as R2D2 falls into the Dagobah swamp.
    • On The Cleveland Show, Cleveland's ex is in the tub and crashes with it, only she dies.
  • The famous hurt knee.
    • In "FOX-y Lady", Lois's version appears in which she hurt her breast.
    • And in Something, Something Dark Side, happens to an AT-AT.
    • In "Viewer Mail 2", a variation of this appears, again with Peter, in the "Chap of the Manor" segment:
    Peter: [deep breath in] Bugger. [deep breath in] Bugger. [deep breath in] Bugger.
  • The "sounds of the rain forest" cutaway (where Peter buys a "Sounds of the Rainforest" CD to help him sleep, only it also includes sounds of loggers cutting down the trees and talking about how Sting — who advocates rainforest preservation — sucks) certainly qualifies.
    • Not to mention the "Sounds of the Studio Audience" commercial.
  • And now here's Ollie Williams, with the BlaccuWeather forecast. Ollie?
    Ollie: IT'S GON' RAIN!
    • Thanks, Ollie.
    • Also, Ollie's bit in the one with the hurricane:
    Tom: Do you have an umbrella, Ollie?
    Ollie: HAD ONE!
    Tom: Where is it?
    Tom" Well, can we get you anything?
    Tom: What Kind?
    Ollie: CHUNKY!
    • EGGO! That is all.
    • When Quahog is in the grip of a massive heatwave:
    Tom: How are you beating the heat, Ollie?
    Ollie: (swings by on a tire swing) SWIMMIN' HOLE!
    Tom: How does the weather look, Ollie?
    Ollie: (calmly) Not too bad.
    Tom: Right on.
    • HE GON' GET IT!
    • In the movie:
    Tom: I can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home.
    Ollie: (from offscreen) DID YOU CHECK YOUR TCP/IP SETTINGS?!
    Tom: Yes I did, Ollie.
    Tom: Yes, Ollie.
    Ollie: D'YOU WANT THIS DOG?!
    Tom: No thank you, Ollie.
  • The Kix cereal cutaway.
  • Any time Joe yells.
    Joe: "This is stupid. I wanna talk about VAGINAS!"
    Joe: "You're getting SLACKS!"
    Joe: 'You're starting to PISS ME OFF!!!"
    Joe: "Oh man, if I was a woman I'd press my bare boobs up against the glass in public, just for the SEXUAL THRILL! THE SEXUAL THRILL!!!"
  • Meg abuse jokes at times are hilarious.
    Meg: Hi, da-(gets shot)
  • Consuela
  • The DVD commentary tracks had some good bits:
    • Seth curses as Peter (keep in mind, this is before strong language was commonplace in the show, so at the time, it was hilarious hearing Peter say the F word)
    Peter: Lois, get the fuck off my back. I swear, one of these days, I'm gonna backhand ya! Jesus Christ.
    • In the commentary for "Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story", during the Ferris Bueller's Day Off parody, Seth mentions how he always found it annoying that Ferris was falling from his jump in slow motion while everyone else was regular speed. It's funny 'cause it's true.
  • In the later seasons, we have the repeated Take That 's aimed at Florida, such as Peter mistaking The University Of Florida for a Downs Syndrome summer camp, the state being fingered as a haven for sex offenders, and a taunt song performed in duet by Peter and Quagmire.
  • The very fact that quite a few entries are on both the Nightmare Fuel page and this one, really says a lot about the show.
  • The show's merciless lampooning of the Tea Party/GOP.
  • Any time Peter acts like a three-year-old.

    open/close all folders 

     Season One 
  • Peter crashing from just one lick of butter rum ice cream. Also check out how his eyes change size. (Okay, this was more being Off Model than anything, but still.)
  • Bert as Sipowitz, bare-assed and all.
    Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
    Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed!
  • "Holy crip, he's a crapple!"
  • "Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits! It says 'OOOOO'!" "Peter, those are Cheerios."
    • One of the singing trees in the hallucination taking out a lighter and accidentally burning down the forest.
    Tree: Stupid bastard!
  • "God. I. Hate. This. Freaking. Cat."
  • From the episode where Quahog's TV is knocked out: Tom and Diane saying politically incorrect things now that the news isn't broadcast in Quahog (before the director tells them that they're still on the air in Boston).
  • From the first episode, the trip to the American Southwest:
    Peter: Ah geez, did I just hit that ostrich?
    Wile E. Coyote: No.
    Peter: Are you sure?
    Wile E. Coyote: Yeah, he's fine. Keep going.
  • From "I Never Met the Dead Man," this Scooby-Doo parody, because it's ACTUALLY Frank Welker voicing Fred.
  • In "The Son Also Draws", Peter drives the family to New York. Sadly for him, he had a prune smoothie before he left. Worse, the world seems to want to remind him that.
    Passes by sign saying "Dump, next left"
    Peter: Ahh....
    Truck drives in front, with sign on back saying "WIDE LOAD"
    Peter: Ahhhhh....
    Passes by furniture store with sign saying "Furniture Sale: All stools must go!"
    Peter: Ahhhhhhhh....
    Another car drives in front with bumper sticker saying "I love my Shih Tzu"
    Peter: Aghhhhh!
    • "We're off! Those scouts are never gonna know what hit them! [reverses into the car behind] And neither will that guy."
  • This exchange from, "A Hero Sits Next Door"
    Baseball Player 1: Hey, you want some gum?
    Baseball Player 2: Sure, thanks!
    Baseball Player 1: Ha ha, that was joke gum!
    Baseball Player 2: Whaddya mean?
    Baseball Player 1: Now you're addicted to heroin!
    (both laugh)
    Baseball Player 2: (starts shivering) I-I'm cold...

     Season Two 
  • Hitler's talk show where he interviews Christian Slater and asks to see his ass.
  • Brain getting drunk off his ass during "Peter Peter, Caviar Eater"
    Urinating in a plant.
    Brian: Money money...
    In a high falsetto.
    Brian: Money!
  • Peter: "Now Lois, sometimes it's okay to swear."
    Bailiff:"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"
    Peter:"I do."
    Peter:*sternly* "You bastard."
  • "I've colorized the moon".
  • When Lois pimp slaps her ti-Jitsu teacher to provoke him into fighting her.
  • Peter's father is grilling him on how well he knows his Bible. When he asks what book of the Bible he likes, Peter says "Um, the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the Man in the Big Yellow Hat has to take him to the hospital."
    Peter: (after seeing Hitler, John Wilkes Booth, and Al Capone sitting alongside Superman) What are you doing here?
    Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet, so I ripped her in half like a phone book.
  • "Show me potato salad!"
  • Also from "Da Boom", when a giant mutant rat approaches Joe, who is fused from the waist down to the concrete in his driveway, with the intent to eat him.
    Joe: BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!
  • Brian running over Dean Koontz:
    (Brian is driving in his car, when suddenly a man walks in the road and is hit - Brian steps out of the car to look at the man)
    Brian: Oh my God! Are you Stephen King?
    Man: No, I'm Dean Koontz.
    Brian: (uninterested) Oh.
    (Brian walks back to his car, runs over Koontz once more...then backs up and runs him over twice for good measure.)
  • The time Stewie ends up with a white family who has adopted multicultural kids, while he's jonesing for pancakes.
    Stewie: I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez moi pancakes! Click click bloody click pancakes!
    • Earlier that episode:
    Stewie: Flappy, guess what? I've decided not to kill you!
    • The part where Stewie manipulates the other children into fighting, and then gloats about it:
    Stewie: Dance, puppets, dance!
  • In "Death is a Bitch", when Death asks what the world would be like if Hitler were still alive. We get a hilarious cutaway gag to Hitler with his own talkshow, ending in addressing the audience that, if they would like tickets to the show, they should call "213-DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!". Doubly hilarious for those that speak German and realize that, roughly translated, it means "You will need a nurse!"
  • Peter's version of The King and I. "I now declare Siam, The United States of America!" (And then everybody sings a song ending with a gratuitous line about Paul Lynde being gay.)
    • "Hey, were you there when I farted?"
  • Peter trying to breast-feed Stewie.
    • "A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything! It could even be a boat!"
  • From "If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'":
    Peter: "Well, until you put Gumbel 2 Gumbel back on the air, I'm going to go on a hunger strike. How about that, huh? Want that on your conscience?"
    (brief pause)
    Peter: "You gonna eat that stapler?"
    Executive: "You can't eat a stapler..."
    Peter: "Wanna split it?"
    • Peter's and Chris's "Make a Wish" scam gets out of hand:
    Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
    Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
    Peter: Oh, yeah.
    • The plague of blood occurs while Meg is giving Stewie a bath. Meg is naturally freaked out. Stewie, not so much.
    Stewie: (still playing with his boat) How delightful! It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble!
    • Brian gets fed up with Peter insisting that there's a rational explanation for the plagues.
    Brian: You want an explanation?! (grabs Peter by the collar and starts slapping him) GOD! IS! PISSED!
  • And then there was that time Peter got caught peeping in the lady's locker room...
  • Meg and Peter walking along in New York when the background suddenly changes to that of The Flintstones. They look around in absolute confusion before slowly backing away.
  • Brian and Stewie trying to get home via a crop-duster plane. They try to take off...only to put the plane between two cows, snapping the wings clean off. Stewie's completely deadpan reaction:
    Stewie: Boy, will your face be red when they find the black box on this one.
    • This gem, as they travel in a stolen car.
    Brian: Look, I just need some time to think.
    Stewie: Yes, you've got lots to think about, don't you? Public drunkenness, grand theft auto...
    Brian: You left out the part where I made you smash your head into the windshield.
    Stewie: Well now, funny, I don't recall...
    (Slams on the brakes, makes Stewie smash into the windshield)
    Stewie: Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one.
    • And earlier in the episode, Stewie takes care of an overly loud drug buy keeping him awake as only he can:
    Stewie: Oh, for God's sake. Only one way to settle this. (yells) He's wearing a wire!
    Dealer: What?
    (cue gunshots. Stewie yawns, rolls over and goes to sleep)
  • "Holy crap, I am freaking out!!"
  • When it's mentioned that Peter once turned the house into a puppet, prompting the viewer to wonder what the hell that could possibly mean...then they cut to it and it's exactly what it sounds like.
    "Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry!"
  • Drive-by arguments.
    Englishman: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth?
    Jeremy: Why yes, I daresay that's the fellow.
    Englishman: Oh, let's get him.
    They drive up
    Englishman: Oh Reginald...
    (Reginald perks up)
    Englishman: I DISAGREE! (car peels off)
  • Peter's rendition of "Rhinestone Cowboy" at the wedding of the Dons daughter.
    Peter: Like a Rhinestone Cowboy! DUH DUH! Frebuhuhmuecuh in a star-spangled horse in a rodeo!
    Mobsters draw their guns
    Peter: For my next number...
    Mobsters cock guns
    Peter: Thank you very much, thank you Pawtucket!
  • Most of the jokes in the earlier episode, "He's Too Sexy for His Fat".
    • When fleas infest their household:
      Peter Griffin: There's only one thing to do—learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, and breed with their women. And in time our differences will be forgotten.
    • Immediately before that.
      Lois: Peter! Stewie's covered in fleas!
      Peter: (unfazed) Big deal. When I was his age I was covered in ticks.
      Lois: Peter, this isn't a contest!
      Peter: (proudly) It was then.
      Peter points to a trophy on the shelf labeled "Covered in most ticks"
    • After Peter gets surgery to make himself more attractive -
      Lois: "Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?"
      Peter: "Maybe I will! Then I'll put it on my feet and skate around on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!"
      Lois: "That doesn't make any sense!"
      Peter: "It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!"
    • After Peter's introduces his new thin body to the family - Stewie: "My god, it's finally happened! He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself, like a neutron star!"
    • Little Girl: "But mister, I need real money. I can't take a credit card." Peter: "Oh, cash only, huh, huh? No paper trail, huh? What are you selling? Reefer? Crack? Smack? Horse? X? Shrooms? Dust? Meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so!" (Peter smashes the lemonade stand).
    • "Well if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in!''
    • Brian's reactions to Peter coming into the home after getting extensive plastic surgery: "Hey buddy, you can't just come in here holy crap it's Peter." Made even better by Brian's unchanging tone or facial expression.
  • Stewie trying to buy instruments of carnage at the hardware store using a mind-controlled Chris. Seth Green affecting a Chris-ified version of Stewie's plummy Evil Brit accent while spouting Stewie-esque Ax-Crazy threats is hysterical.
    • The "Family Guy Cast and Creator" episode of Inside The Actor's Studio reveals that this is Seth Green's favorite Chris scene.
  • Young Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
    Museum Guide: Because you touch yourself at night.
    • "I-I'm not drunk, alright, I just have a speech impediment. * puke* And a stomach virus. *collapse* And an inner ear infection."
  • Peter showing Chris how to eat an oreo.
    • From "The Story On Page One":
    Anonymous Woman: Luke? Are you coming in, honey? Lunch is ready!
    Luke Perry: Just a minute, babe! I'm busy checking every single high school newspaper to see if there's something written about me! (Picks up newspaper, sees Peter's "Luke Perry Is Gay" headline)
    Luke Perry: Oh, my gosh! Meg Griffin, you are so sued!
    (Camera zooms out from Luke Perry's house to reveal a crudely-drawn television set, on which this is being played)
    Peter (Poking his head out from the corner): Dun-dun -dun-dun-dun-DUUUUUUUHHHH~!!!
  • Peter seeking advice from a poster of Greg Allman in "Let's Go To The Hop".
    Peter: Greg Allman, what did you do when times got tough?
    Greg: Me? I did a lot of drugs. Married some broad named Cher. I wouldn't recommend either one.
  • The whole Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory spoof in "Wasted Talent". It has a ninja, a faked drive-by shooting, and a hilarious parody of "Pure Imagination"! As Peter says:
    Peter: It's like I've died and gone to Heaven, only for them to find out that it wasn't my time, and they sent me back to a brewery.
  • From "Da Boom", Peter attempting to feed beans to Thomas Magnum through a TV screen, then scolding Higgins when he turns up on screen. Seth MacFarlane has said that this is is favourite moment of the show.
    • It should be worth noting that after a while, Higgins actually glares back at Peter with annoyance.
    • The fact that the very apocalypse was a few seconds late from happening. Seriously, count from when Peter finishes his countdown, to when Brian angrily retorts with "A FLOUTIST!" to the family's angry rumblings about Peter's actions to when the apocalypse actually happens.

     Season Three 
  • From the first Christmas special:
  • The one where Peter visits Brian at the rehab and gives a fake name when posing as an addict.
    while George is fighting a burglar"Hey, hey. Quiet down out there! Ya wacky Beatle..."
  • The Woody (a pornography award show) nominees for best soundtrack, who consist of two seedy looking guys with synthesizers, and John Williams.
    • Made even funnier by the fact that John Williams apparently uses a full orchestra even when he's scoring pornography films.
  • "Well Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody, thanks to an anonymous tip to the authorities." "Good. Good."
  • In "Lethal Weapons", Stewie tape records Lois saying she's a bad mother:
    Stewie: Ah-ha! I got it all on tape! (plays tape)
    Stewie on tape: Okay, this is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. What's new, Ed? Well, Stewie, tonight we have a really big show. Okay, and now a word from our sponsors. It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides! Bzzt! Butterfingers!
    Stewie: (stops tape) ...I was making radio shows for fun. Everybody does it. At least, everybody I know does it- SHUT UP!
  • Meg's Fast Times at Ridgemont High spoofing fantasy about Tom Tucker in "The Kiss Seen 'Round The World."
    Stewie: We're playing house.
    Lois: That boy is all tied up...
    Stewie: Roman Polanski's house.
  • Peter's inability to control the volume of his voice in "Mr. Saturday Knight"
    Mr. Weed: Hello, Peter. How are you?
    Peter: FINE! (whispering) Please come in.
  • The Griffin men if they were more cultured.
  • The gag from "Emission Impossible" where Stewie puts on lipstick in order to get it all over Peter's shirt hoping Lois will think he's unfaithful and therefore not try to have another kid with him. Then he sees himself in the mirror...
    Stewie: You want it bad, and you don't care how you get it because you have no self-respect and that gets you off!
    Brian: Wow, the evidence is really piling up.
    Stewie: Make any joke you want! You KNOW I look good!
    • Same episode, this line:
    Stewie: God, all this work to stop people from having sex. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels.
  • "I loooove chocolate, but I can't eat it because then I'll get FAT."
    • "But it's SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD."
  • Peter converting the living room into a replica of ''Pee-Wee's Playhouse'' in the episode "Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?" Especially Brian's line:
    • Brian: Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hiney h-ohh God, I hate you so much.
    • How about Peter narrating his own life?
  • Lois finally snapping in the Christmas episode when Meg says they're out of paper towels. "No...paper...TOWELS??!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Made even funnier after she's raged at the family she then runs outside having completely lost it and Meg finds the paper towels. "Oh, here's the paper towels!"
    • Also, the "You are here/she is there" sign in the mall.
    • The scene where Brian tries to put out the fire, and it gets worse.
    Joke Fire Extinguisher
    Brian: Damn it, Peter!
  • Any scene with The Pope in "Road to Europe".
    Cardinal: Pope?...Pope! Is time to get up and put on your hat.
    Pope: It's a stupid hat!
    Pope: You make-a the Pope look like a fool! God will make you pay! SMITE THEM! [pause] "He's-a cooking something up."
    Brian: You wanna go get some ice cream?
    (Stewie shakes his head 'no')
    Brian: You wanna get some McDonald's?
    (Stewie shakes his head 'no')
    Brian: You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?
    (Stewie nods his head 'yes')
    Brian: Okay, let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
    • And, in the "Kiss-Stock" subplot, when two members of Kiss walk out, and the other break into "Chatanooga Choo-Choo", surprising the crowd.
  • Anything with William Shatner. Character Tics doesn't even begin to cover it.
  • His pants split, revealing his underwear which has Captain's Log written on the crotch.
    • "Oh-fiddler, ontheroof - seems crazy, no? But in our-littletown-of... Anatevka... KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
  • From "Mr. Griffin Goes To Washington", in the scene where the cigarette company coated the entire house in Teflon, Stewie slides past on his butt, naked. Which is funny enough on it's own, but then he says:
    Stewie: I'm nudes on ice!
    • Bob Dole: Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole...Bob Dole...Bob...Dole... *falls asleep*
    • SMOKE!
  • Stewie playing Pictionary with the family that's prematurely moved into the Griffins' house:
    "If it wasn't right the first time you said it, why the hell would it be right the next ten times? God!"
  • Peter says he's not good with being in the audience in big performances. It then cuts to a performance of Cats... and Peter runs over one of them with a car.
  • Peter's job working for The Electric Company. "f" "at" "fat" "Alright, that's it-"
  • "No! It's step, hip, step, pivot! Are you trying to piss off the volcano?"
  • "This is mine! This is where my babies come from!"
  • "Would you like some candy?" "I smell death on you."

     Season Four 
  • The first scene after its resurrection is possibly one of the funniest Take Thats to one's own network ever.
    Peter: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been canceled.
    Lois: Oh no, Peter! How could they do that?
    Peter: Well unfortunately Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That '80s Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, and Greg the Bunny.
    Lois: Is there no hope?
    Peter: Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.
    • Peter and Lois' dirty talk.
    Lois: Honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets, huh?
    Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl.
    Lois: Hehehe...that's me.
    Peter: You dirty hustler.
    Lois: Hehehehe...
    Peter: You filthy, stinky prostitute.
    Lois: Aha, okay, I get it...
    Peter: You foul, venereal disease carrying, street walking whore.
    Lois: Alright, that's enough!
  • The following from "Don't Make Me Over":
    Stewie: (singing) I want to have intercourse with you. Uh-oh-yeah. Intercourse with you.
    Brian: (singing) Relations.
    Stewie: Intercourse with you-oo-oo-whoo! Right?
    Brian: Yeah, no great, that sounds good.
    Stewie: All right, groovy, groovy. Now, is there a shorter word for intercourse?
    • Brian's dare to Stewie at the mall earlier in the episode:
    Stewie: (running naked through the mall) Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement!
  • The Petercopter and the Hindenpeter. "HOW CAN YOU AFFORD THESE THINGS?!"
    • Earlier, by the barbershop quartet plus Peter, You Have AIDS.
    • (Peter in a Quagmire Mask humping Brian in a Loretta Mask) "I"m Quagmire, I'm Quagmire, you're my best friend's wife but who cares? I'm Quagmire!"
  • The part where Quagmire uses Adam West's banana to try to fend off Cleveland:
    Adam West: When the time comes, you'll know what to do.
    *Quagmire tosses banana at Cleveland, who stops for about half a second*
    Quagmire: Dammit! *chase resumes*
  • "Good thing I just watched that National Geographic special on fire trucks."
    Oh, you're just curious! Here, let me show you how everything works down there!
  • The time Peter bought the breakfast machine from Pee-wee's Big Adventure:
    Peter: "WHAT was the point of all that?! Argh! All it does is shoot ya! It doesn't make breakfast at all! Owww!"
    • He's Quagmire! Quagmire! You never really know what he's gonna do next! He's Quagmire! Quagmire!
      • Quagmire: Giggidy, giggidy, let's have sex!
    • "The Asian Trix Rabbit."
    • Three's Company AsianTown
    • "Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of the pieces to my Lite Brite! My name's not Adam We!...Or is it...? Who am I? What number did you dial?! Don't ever call me again."
    • Peter and "that thing" he and Lois do "every Thursday night". At the top of the stairs. (It was originally going to be even worse too.)
      • Almost as funny as that is that after Peter falls Brian looks at him for a second then goes back to reading his newspaper without saying a word.
  • The scene where Chris gets pulled into the "Take On Me" music video while trying to retrieve milk from the store, coupled with his confused reaction afterward:
    Lois: Chris, where have you been?
    Chris: I DON'T KNOW!
  • Cookie Monster in a toilet stall frantically "cooking up" cookie dough in a spoon: "C'mon, c'mon!"
  • The entirety of the episode "Peter's Got Woods".
    • Peter playing peek-a-boo with Stewie. "Oh, great, leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence."
  • Peter and Michael Moore's farting contest.
  • The ''FCC Song''.
    • Osama bin Laden's bloopers.
    • Peter's failed attempt at escaping from the FCC when they come to tell him that PTV is going off the air. He puts on a jetpack, but instead of flying away, the jetpack makes him fall over and headbutt the wall repeatedly until the jetpack runs out of fuel.
    Peter: OK, you caught me.
    Peter: Oh, Lois, you are so full of (HONK)! ...What!?! I can't say (HONK) in my own (HONK)-ing house? (HONK)-ing great, Lois, just (HONK)-ing great! You're lucky you're good at (HONK)-ing my (HONK) or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about. When you (HONK) lubed up (HONK) toothpaste in my (HONK) and you (HONK) cherry (HONK) Episcopalian (HONK) extension cord (HONK) wetness (HONK) with a parking ticket? That is the best!
  • This part from "Brian Goes Back to College":
    Peter: This looks like a job for the A-Team! (slams his gun down and shoots a hole in the ceiling, causing Chris to fall face-first onto the floor)
    Chris: Hi, Dad!
    Peter: Go to your room.
    Chris: Okay! (runs up the stairs and falls through the hole again face first)
    • Brian meets a girl in college:
    Speaker: "Look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistics indicate that both of those men will rape you."
    -Man on the left: I'm not gonna rape you.
    -Man on the right: I might.
    • Any gag involving James Bottomtooth.
  • Brian trying to cheer up Peter with "It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time", especially when Peter leaves the room and he just keeps at it.
    • Stewie's reaction to Peter taking him to Disney World.
  • When Brian is trying to tell Lois her brother is a serial killer she denies it. What makes it funny is the sheer overwhelming evidence (photos of him strangling fat guys, a dead fat guy in his room, a half dead fat guy in his room that says "Patrick tried to kill me.") doesn't convince her, but Brian simply shouting "Lois" does.
  • Peter announces to everyone that he's fat.
    I bid $780.
    And your bid, Sarah?
    What was the last bid, Bob?
    $780, Sarah.
    I bid $781.
    >Fuck you!
  • That time Peter lost his virginity.
    • Jesus is buried after the crucifixion, then he leaps into a redneck who just slept with a farmer's daughter. "Oh boy!"
  • "Where's my money?"
  • Peter on Wheel of Fortune. "Uh...uh...Z, Uh, 4, Q, uh-uh another Q, a third Q...and the Batman Symbol."
    • Miraculously, despite no help with those choices, Peter guesses correctly: "Is it "Alex Karras in Webster?" (ding ding ding!) "I... don't... believe it."
    • And later, when he's picking out the prizes:
    Peter: Say, uh, how much for the fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
    Pat: That's you.
    Peter: Oh, embarrassing...
    • The fake death for Quagmire that Peter, Joe, and Cleveland set up.
  • "Sibling Rivalry": Lois and Peter 'roleplaying':
    Lois (dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl): Oh, I need a spankin'. I'm a bad, bad girl!
    Peter: I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-five holy avenger.
    Lois: Paladins can't use the helm of disintegration!
    Peter: Oh. Then I'm a black guy!
    • P.S. A Mage wielding a +5 Holy Avenger with a Paladin in the party? Yeah, Peter's a terrible roleplayer.
    • Peter challenging Lois to a race around the world.
    • The Vasectomy Song.
    • This exchange:
    Bertram: Well, well, well. If it isn't my half-brother, Stewie!
    Stewie: Bertram! I haven't seen you since our microscopic encounter. How the deuce did you get out of Peter's testicles?
    Bertram: He donated sperm.
    Stewie: Gross.
  • Brian telling Lois about what he watched on TV on the episode "Deep Throats": "I just watched a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I still don't know what a hollaback girl is. All I know is that I want her dead. Hey, can you hand me the remote?" (said remote is right next to him)
    • Peter and Lois licking Chris like ice cream when they're high.
    Chris: (sobbing) Stop!
    • The uncut version of Lois and Peter lying on top of each other naked on the couch much to Stewie and Brian's discomfort:
    Brian: "All we need is one incriminating entry in this datebook and that's our ticket to...
    (He and Stewie see Lois and Peter lying completely naked on the sofa)
    Peter: "Hey Brian. What's up?
    Brian: "Uh, hi, um, Lois...Peter..."
    Lois: "Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's sooo comfortable!"
    Peter: "Hey, Lois. Look how short Stewie is. (laughs) He's so short. (continues laughing)
    Lois: "Oh my God, he is short."
    (both laugh hysterically)
    Lois: "Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door! What should I do?"
    Brian: "What?"
    Lois: "He's knocking on the back door! Should I let him in? I'm so scared!"
    Stewie: "Well, um, you two are busy being nude, so, um, we'll just head out and uh...let you be nude."
    • (Ironically, given that Brian sees Lois naked, he reacts very nervously, considering the fact he has a crush on her) Watch the clip for yourself You'll never watch Family Guy the same way again!)
  • Peter's erotic novel, The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish. As read by Betty White.
    Jude: These ants are ruining our picnic!
    Renee: You mean the picnic is ruining our ants! (Cue scene of Renee Zellweger eating ants set to Roll To Me.)
    • The lawyer being forced by Carter to fight the Rancor, but he somehow wins the battle...
    Carter: Huh, I didn't know that "Greenberg" was a Jedi name...
  • Going hunting with Dick Cheney
  • When Brian is breaking up with Lois:
    Stewie: "Oh, bitch, you got jacked, bitch!"
  • Brian in Heaven:
    Brian: "Wow, I can't believe I'm in heaven and drinking with Kurt Cobain, Ernest Hemingway, and Vincent van Gogh! But still, it feels like we all got here a little earlier than we should have."
    Ernest Hemingway: "Yeah, well, I collapsed under the weight of my own genius and shot myself."
    Vincent Van Gogh: "I could not reconcile my passion with the way others were living around me, so I shot myself."
    Kurt Cobain: "I hated the thought of my music becoming part of some bland corporate mechanism, so I shot myself."
    Brian: (sheepishly) "Yeah, I...I just got into the garbage and ate some chocolate."
    • Also from the movie, there's Stewie's defacement of Brian's grave (he crosses Brian's name and writes "Douchebag" on it):
    Stewie: "Ha!"
    Stu: "I don't think you should do that..."
    Stewie: "And why not? I hated that dog."
    Stu: "It's just that that word has taken on a different meaning since President Douchebag."
  • The "incest episode" from the DVD extra of "Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story."
    Brian: WRONG! It's WRONG! (pounds table)
    • And there's also this:
    Peter: You know what really grinds my gears? You, America! Fuck you! Diane?
  • From "Eight Simple Rules For Buying My Teenage Daughter" when Meg tells Lois she could be having a life on Saturday night:
    Lois: "Meg, if you don't want to babysit anymore, that's fine, but don't you stand there and lie to me."
    Peter: "OH-HO Meg, she torched your ass man! She torched your ass!"
    • From the same episode:
    Peter: Hey Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors?
    Mort: Peter, are you eating those?
    Peter: No, I'm shoving 'em up my butt. Of course I'm eating 'em!
    • Also,
    Stewie: (to Jeremy, the babysitter's boyfriend) Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow"! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!
    • It's a bad joke on Meg but still:
    Meg: Please go out with me. I'm just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I'll pay and everything.
    Boy: Yeah...uhh...that sounds cool but I'm gonna be in the hospital that night. (shoots himself in the stomach with a nail gun)
  • In the episode "The Perfect Castaway", Peter says that he used to be a construction worker in New York, but he never got the catcalling right. Cue to Peter working on a construction site with three other guys while an attractive woman walks by:
    First worker: (whistles)
    Second worker: Yeah, baby!
    Third worker: I want a piece of that!
    Peter: YOU SUCK!
  • Peter at his cousins wedding, during a cutaway:
    Preacher: If anyone has any objections, Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace.
    Peter: *Looks around* Really? No one's gonna speak up? I'm the one whose gonna have to say it? Alright...GENITAL WARTS!
  • Stewie, with curlers and a clay face mask on, yelling at Chris to get in the house in "Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High".
  • This, from the same episode:
    Lois: What's this? You know, Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pockets. She's more respectfuI than that.
    Stewie: Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.
  • Peter sprays himself with Tag Sick Cat Body Spray.
  • "Blind Ambition": Blind!Peter accidentally climbing into Chris's and then Stewie's bed because he thinks they're Lois. Stewie's reaction is the best. "WHAT THE DEUCE?!"
    • Peter: Okay, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like six years, all right. Either have the baby or don't.
    • Stewie: OK, OK if I make this we're all going to get laid. (He shoots a crumpled paper ball into Brian's cone) Stewie: Haha Yes! Score, Score! Brian: Boy I'd really like to chew on my crotch right now.
  • From "Petarded": Peter is a tumor.
  • In "Jungle Love":
    Lady Guinevere: Oh, Arthur, if you can remove this sword from it's stone, and prove that you are the true king of England, I will make love to you in this very field.
    Arthur: What if I just move it a little? Will you touch me?
  • Carter forcing Peter to eat a pine cone in "Model Misbehavior".

     Season Five 
  • Stewie faking an overdose to get Lois' attention in "Stewie Loves Lois".
    Brian: You look like a jackass.
    Stewie: Can't hear you, Brian; I'm dead.
    Brian: All right. *plugs up the toilet with a towel, then flushes*
    Stewie: What did you do? *toilet overflows and begins to flood the bathroom* Oh, that is so not cool...
    • Kermit the racist:
    Man: Excuse me, do you know the way to town?
    Kermit: Yeah, it's back the way you came. (cocks shotgun)
    • Stewie switching to Spanish.
    • When Peter first comes home from Dr. Hartman's office (where he bolted from a routine prostate exam):
    Lois: Peter, my God, you look terrible!
    Peter: I was raped.
    Lois: (chuckles) What?
    Peter: Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
    Lois: (chuckles again) What?!
    (Peter whispers to Lois)
    Lois: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.
    Peter: You sound just like him! (runs out crying)
    Lois: Fucking idiot.
    • This scene:
    Lois: WHAT!?
    Stewie: Hi! (runs off giggling)
  • "Dude, these animals are so FUCKING funny!"
    • "Yeah! Rumsfeld!"
  • The army episode full stop, but one line in particular.
    Peter: Don't listen to her Chris, the army is great! You get free food, they pay for college and all the brown people you can rape.
  • When the opening sequence from the episode "Whistle While Your Wife Works" went horribly wrong...
    • A lot of the dumb things Jillian says.
    Jillian: I saw this TV show about a guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him!
    • Jillian's Girl Posse. They make Jillian look like a genius by comparison.
    • Anything involving Buzz Killington.
    "So who wants to hear a good story about a bridge?" (everyone facepalms)
    • Peter's new porn hiding place.
    • Chester Cheetah, the exemplar of cool:
      (Chester's run-down apartment, "Tom Sawyer" by Rush is playing; Chester chops up a pile of Cheetos with a razor blade like it was cocaine...and then snorts a line of it.)
      Chester: (snort) OHHHHHH THERE IS NO FUCKING DRUMMER BETTER THAN NEAL PEART! (slams his fist into the glass table, shattering it; regards his now glass-strewn hand nonchalantly) It ain't easy being cheezy.
  • The Opal Ring Crusade.
    "He's sitting informally like us! Let's hear what he has to say."
  • Peter teaching Sex Ed by repeatedly smashing a Rainbow Brite doll into a bust of William Shakespeare.
  • Peter's chick flick Steel Vaginas in "Chick Cancer."
      • Joe's "fake legs" (seemingly ripped from an NES game) in said scene.
      • And Joe's reaction to the finished movie: "Boy, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen." "My ass is actually sore. MY ass is actually sore." (even funnier is that the line was AD-LIBBED by Patrick Warburton!)
    • When Stewie and Olivia start dating. They spend the day together and leave before dark because the area they're in is dangerous at night. We then see a lion and a robot fight each other.
    • The "Look at my kids" scene.
  • The Wiz Shout-Out with a large number of black people randomly dancing in the streets after Mayor West sends the entire police department to Colombia to "rescue" an actress that was there fifteen years ago.
  • "Say whip." "Whip." "Now say Cool Whip." "Coo' Hwip." "Cool Whip!" "Coo' Hwhip." "You're eating hair!" *spit*
    • "Just relax. We're gonna be here for a hwhile!"
    • "Brian, you're acting hweird!"
      • "Oh, COME ON! That one doesn't even have an H in it!"
    • "Do you have the hwhip?"
  • From the same episode, of which the A plot is Meg falling in love with Brian whilst his attempts to reject her just don't get through to her. One of the ways he tries to get out of a relationship with her is pretending he's homosexual.
    Brian: "I saw this penis on the Internet the other day, and I thought to myself; 'Well that's...that's just fine.'"
    • Later in the same scene:
    Brian: "I have plans with Chris. We're gonna do...uh...what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon."
    Chris: "Masturbate?"
    Brian: "Masturbate, we're gonna masturbate together!note 
    Chris: "Well, maybe back-to-back, but I gotta tell you, I ain't 100% on this."
  • The carjacking scene from the episode, "Road to Rupert".
    • Oh, Crone!
      • *throws tea in kid's eyes*
    • Peter remembering all the good times he had with his anvil.
    • When Stewie says that Brian selling Rupert was more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone. Cut to Sharon with some guy in bed, then her devouring his head like a female praying mantis post-mating.
    • When the helicopter Brian and Stewie are piloting together crashes down the mountainside, it cuts to the two of them screaming in a back and forth succession between the two. At one point it inexplicably cuts to Stewie dressed as the devil laughing manically with thunder and lightning in the background.
  • The entirety of "Peter's Two Dads."
    Random Guy #1: "She is messed up, man!"
    Stewie: "Shut up, okay? Just shut up and let me fuckin' think!"
    *Stewie drives for a few seconds, then stops*
    Stewie: "Push her out!"
    Random Guy #2: "We can't leave her alone!"
    Stewie: "PUSH THE BITCH OUT!"
    • After Francis died, Peter buried him in a pet cemetery and he inexplicably burst out of the ground, prompting Peter to beat him with his shovel.
    • The time Peter got stuck behind Robert Loggia at the airport.
    • After Peter smokes crack (which he bought from a white guy selling it at Black's Hardware Store) to keep from drinking: "Gubment came and took my baaaaaaaaaby!"
    Brian: "Peter, what're you doing?!"
    Peter: "Crack."
    Brian: "What the FUCK?!"
  • Stewie delving into the tanning lifestyle. He goes into a tanning bed, tasking Brian to wake him up in fifteen minutes. Brian falls asleep on the couch. For six-and-a-half hours. When he wakes Stewie up, he's roughly the same color as his overalls and can't move without inflicting extreme agony upon himself.
  • What happens when you date a hot girl with bad laugh? Well...
    • Peter eats half of a fudgesicle in one bite, and proceeds to cry out in agony until his head EXPLODES!
  • Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Conway Twitty. The first time, anyway.
  • "Decoys, Lois. Decoys!"
    Peter: Ben Stiller, help me!
    Peter: How?
    Ben: Uh, HELLO!
    • The seemingly never-ending theme song to [[Series/Maude]] is a hilarious Overly Long Gag. "Whew, that was an ordeal."
  • Stewie moment: when he got a job mocking obese people by following them around and playing a "tuba" (actually a sousaphone)
  • The Legion of Doom scene in "It Takes a Village Idiot and I Married One."
    Lex Luthor: How did she(Lois) discover our plan?
    Solomon Grundy: ME SOLOMON GRUNDY kind of dropped the ball on that one.
    • Peter's cowboy song (both the edited version where Peter says they're having "cowboy gay sex" and the original version, which was "cowboy butt sex")
    • The Griffins' previous family trip, when they were on the price climbing game on The Price is Right (the one with the yodeling paper doll).
    • The "Donny Most" chant
    • The guys talking about their work on Lois's campaign.
    Peter: Boy, you guys, I really appreciate all the help you've given us. Expect for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing.
    Quagmire: What the hell are you talkin' about? Lois is gonna get the entire female vote because of me. I've been having sex with every woman in town nonstop for the past two days. My God, if I tried to masturbate right now, you know what would come out? A little flag with the word "bang" on it.note 
    • Lois taking Brian out for a car ride.
    Brian: (Sees another dog in another car) Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Lois! Hey, hey! Other dog! FUCK YOU!
    • "And then I realized, it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me... IT WAS GOD!"
  • In "Meet the Quagmires," after Brian's rendition of "Never Gonna Give You Up", it cuts to a shot of the audience, standing still and gaping. After a few seconds, we hear a random person say, "I didn't like any of that." It's just the way he says it that makes it so funny.
  • One episode has Peter blowing a raspberry every time Meg's name is mentioned, prompting Chris to then repeat Meg's name over and over again until Lois tells him to stop. At the end of the episode, he does so again, but actually farts on the last mention of Meg. "Uh-oh...Pardon me."
  • After Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland confess that Dr. Hartman "molested" them (actually giving them a prostate exam), Joe says: "You guys are a bunch of queers." And rolls away. And comes back and says, "AND SO AM I!"
  • Peter's Oh Crap! reaction and how he hides in a tree from Lois after he beats up Kyle in a rage.
  • "Saving Private Brian": Peter trying to cover the sounds of his farts by coughing at a meeting.
  • In "Hell Comes To Quahog" Meg says she's going to get a job to pay for a car and Chris tells her he'll pay her a dollar a day to smell his sneakers. His repeated laughing and the family's bored reactions to this are hilarious.
  • From "Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey":
    Carter: Why are you naked inside my house?
    Peter: Uhh...why aren't you?
    Carter: Beat You're alright, Griffin.
    • The Chuck E. Cheese sequence.
  • "M.C. Escher."
    • Peter is approached by a wheelchair-bound Vietnam vet, who tells him, "I've seen some things, man, and I've seen some stuff. I wouldn't recommend it!"
    • At the end of the episode, Peter apologizes to Joe about giving he and his wheelchair buddies a hard time, since he now knows what it's like being in a wheelchair. Joe accepts the apology and asks Peter if he wants to watch Grey's Anatomy with he and Bonnie. Peter replies, "Oh, boy, Joe, I... I got to tell you, that... that... that sounds awful." End of episode.
  • Jake Tucker's audition for church organist in "Boys Do Cry".

     Season Six 
  • "Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky..."
  • Herbert at his stand singing "YMCA" in "Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air"
  • From "Peter's Daughter": "Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your coma's in a daughter."
    Trisha Takanawa: What kind of cancer?
    Ten Speed Guy: It's rectal cancer, it's slowly eating away at my lower insides, uh, it's quick process, both painful and un-treatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape.
  • Brian showing Stewie 2girls1cup.
  • Herbert reads to Chris a bedtime story, and whistles a Peter and the Wolf tune. After a short pause, Chris finally asks him: "Are you a pedophile?"
  • Peter watches BET's newest earth science program, "Damn, nature! You scary." (from 0:59)
  • The entirety of the episode where Brian has a son.
    • Specifically, there's something strangely funny when Brian's potential date said that magic is sexy. But the real laughs came when Peter dresses up as Count Dracula with a big groin (Count Crotchula) for Halloween:
    Brian: Peter, that costume doesn't make any sense.
    Peter (defensively): Don't stifle my creativity!
    • "My Pot! Your Pot?"
  • "Anna took a dump on me!"
  • Peter's identity is stolen by James Woods, so Peter steals his and gets revenge by ruining his career. He does so by announcing "his" new comedy, September 11th: Two Thousand FUN.
    Peter (posing as James Woods): "I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And whaddya think I see comin'? A plane. And I go, 'Come on!' I-it's real old style comedy, you know? It's like two pies in the face...and one in a field in Pennsylvania."
  • Peter listening to "Hello" by Lionel Richie and crying:
    "Oh god, Lionel you have been hurt. You have been hurt by somebody that much is clear. Who hurt you? (whispering and rocking back and forth) Who hurt you? Whohurtyouwhohurtyou?"
  • The judge has had enough of the Kool Aid Man interrupting court proceedings:
    Judge: Okay. "Can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fuckin' Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showin' up! Thank you."
  • In "Pedre De Famila" Peter's reaction to finding out he's mexican. Watch it here.
    Peter: *Laughs* Looks like I got myself in a bind, how will I get outta this one?
    Peter: *Sings* Cause we got Cleveland and Quagmire and Joe and Mort, AND ALL YOUR CARTOON PAAAAALLS!
  • "Back to the Woods", when Peter is being arrested for trespassing on James Woods's territory (who is posing as Peter), Joe tells him to strip:
    Joe: Take 'em off, right down to the poop sack. (awkward looks from Peter and James Woods) ...You don't all wear a poop sack? DAMMIT BONNIE, YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THE POOP SACK!!!
  • "The Former Life of Brian":
    Lois: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
    Peter: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shuttin' your vag.
    Lois: What?
    Peter: What?
  • "Long John Peter"
    • When Chris sees Anna for the first time, he imagines himself singing "Crazy for You", with Cleveland, Joe, Quagmire and Mort randomly popping up to provide background vocals.
    • When Peter introduces his friends to his new pet parrot "Adrian Beaky".
    Parrot: Pick a lane, bitch.
    Peter: Ha-ha, isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.
    Parrot: I have to pee. Where's that Snapple bottle?
    Peter: (laughs)
    • At one of Chris' dates, Peter sings a nonsensical rendition of "Land Down Under" ("Look at me with a brand new Hyundai!")
    • In order to have an excuse to see Anna at the vet, Chris injures Brian by whacking him with a chair.
    Chris: Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling to well.
    Brian: (severely disfigured) Fuck. You.
    • This is followed by Brian collapsing onto the floor and Stewie kicking him in the gut.

     Season Seven 

     Season Eight 
  • "The Road To The Multiverse". Disney-esque Family Guy. That is all.
    Stewie: "So, how does it feel to be on a major network for thirty seconds?"
    Chris: "Fuck you!"
    • Made all the funnier when you realize who voices who.
    • When Brian and Stewie are a real baby and a real dog.
  • When Quagmire thought he was getting the spin-off.
    "See ya later, bitches! With your stupid fuckin' Giant Chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty — Hey, why's there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?"
    • The sequence where Quagmire discovers internet porn. It was good for a twofer: first, there's the scene in the bar where you realize Quagmire, the pervert extraordinaire, has no idea that porn can be found on the internet. Then the scene later on where Peter sees him again after a long time...and he's got an absolutely massive right arm.
    • Left arm, actually. Making it cannon, I guess, that Quagmire is left-handed.
  • Peter's Palestinian alarm clock. It explodes.
    Clone!Brian: Hey, Brian! Knock-knock!
    Brian: Uh, who's there?
    Clone!Brian: (farts)
    —-> Basically, ANYTHING that Clone Brian says.
    • From the same episode, Peter, Joe, and Quagmire go to a strip club to make Quagmire feel better about giving his daughter away. Quagmire leaves and Peter and Joe deal with a teacher stripper ... who really gets into her work.

  • The London Gentlemen's Club. Basically, imagine three guys just sitting around reading newspapers, communicating entirely in throat-clearing for about a full minute.
    • Also the fact that it gets progressively louder and then quieter.
  • ...Road House.
  • From "Business Guy"
    Dr. House: House.
    Peter: Road House.
    Dr. House: That too.
    • The African American Heart Monitor.
    • "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." *flatline* "Aw, he dead." And in the same episode:
      • "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He cool."
      • *Carter spazzing out and machine vocalizing* "GHOST DAD!"
    • The German Bedtime Story is hilarious for anyone familiar with the real thing.
  • In "Jerome Is The New Black:"
    Joe: Peter, don't ruin this like you ruined my parrot.
    (in cutaway)
    Joe: (showing Peter a parrot) I just got it today!
    Parrot: Cripple!
    Joe: Dammit!
  • In "Big Man on Hippocampus", Stewie's answers, while Lois is playing Fast Money round on Family Feud, especially his fourth answer.
    Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.
    Lois: A chair.
    Stewie: My own feces.
    Dawson: Name a popular fruit.
    Lois: Orange.
    Stewie: Clay Aiken.
    Dawson: Something in your closet.
    Lois: Shoes.
    Stewie: Scary monsters.
    Dawson: Your favorite holiday.
    Lois: Christmas.
    Stewie: 9/11.
    Dawson: Something you do on the weekends.
    Lois: Go to church.
    Stewie: Black guys.
    • "It may interest movie buffs that Peter O'Toole's name is a slang for penis".
  • "Dial Meg for Murder"'s Take That at "Not All Dogs Go To Heaven", especially the Goofy part. "Be careful Brian. Not all dogs go to heaven."
    • The scene where a breeding bull rapes Peter.
    "Bull:" Where you going, fatty? We're gonna have a party!
  • Terri Schiavo! Is kind of alive-oh! Seriously, some may have thought it was going a bit TOO far, but I think that the beginning bit automatically swings this around so many times that it's the funniest moment BY FAR of Season 8 as of now.
    • I laughed because I was thinking the same exact thing as Chris and Brian started to ponder whether this was too soon or too late.
  • "April in Quahog" also gets a Running Gag joke. Peter does crystal meth TWICE, and so does Brian at the end.
    Peter: I am SO fucking ready! *jumps through Stewie's ceiling*
    Stewie: When you jumped through my ceiling you let in an owl. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw up half-digested mice.
    • From the same episode, Adam West making an angry letter to the black hole before donning a fishbowl helmet and jetpack, flying into space and punching the Orion constellation. It then turns into the Orion Pictures logo.
    Adam West: That's right! You're nothing but a failed production company!
    • Peter thinks the world is ending, so he decides to go to a black neighborhood and shout out the N-word. The next scene has Lois in the kitchen when Peter walks up with crown, ermine cape, scepter, and a sash reading "King of the Black People".
    Peter: They respected me for it.
  • Brian's 26-second long puking in "Quagmire's Dad".
    • Also noteworthy is Brian and Stewie's panicked, disgusting screaming immediately upon the discovery as to why he was puking. He did a transgender woman. Not just ANY transgender woman: Quagmire's dad.
    • The Getting Crap Past the Radar scene from the [adult swim]/probably DVD version of the beginning of that episode, in which multiple puns are made upon the fact that the french word for seal, "phoque," sounds a lot like a certain English profanity. Spoiler alert: "fuck." Watch it here.
  • This scene from "Something, Something, Something, Dark Side", featuring Luke's snowspeeder gunner, Dack.
    Dack: Feeling okay, sir?
    Luke (Chris): Just like new. How about you, Dack?
    Dack: I feel like I could take on the whole empire myself.
    Luke (Chris): Really? 'Cause that would be awesome. Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got this one!
    Dack: You know it, bitches! [flies off to face the incoming fleet of Star Destroyers] Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack! [gets shot down afterwards]
    • From the beginning of that episode, the Star Wars-esque intro credits referencing 20th Century Fox's money-making decisions:
    Are you listening, stockholders? How can you invest in a company that makes such short-sighted decisions? I mean, this is the same company that cancelled "Family Guy" twice. Who's running that joint? Monkeys? I mean, if they're gonna be that foolish with their money, then I guess that means we can be foolish with their money, too. Like spending a bunch of it to animate a computer-generated elephant that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode. (cue appearance of CGI elephant) Did you see that? Know what that cost? $58,000.

  • "The Splendid Source": In order to get away from the people who write the world's dirty jokes (who are holding them prisoner), Peter throws a candle which starts the building on fire.
    Leader: Hurry! It's about to get the world's first dead baby joke!
    (cut to show a torn section of papyrus with hieroglyphics)
    Woman on Papyrus: Oh no, my baby is dead.
    Man on Papyrus: Ha.
  • In "Go, Stewie, Go", when Meg enters and sees Lois seducing Meg's new boyfriend.
    Lois: Um...rape?
    ** Cue "Seinfeld" bass line.
  • Peter making his poor father-in-law invite everyone to his house to watch The Big Bang Theory.
    • Just about every scene with House, made even funnier because Hugh Laurie is playing the character. The literal version of him not playing by the rules, reviving the Road House gag, and him speaking in Laurie's natural, upper-class British accent after his Scooby-Doo Hoax is exposed.

     Season Nine 
  • Seamus's fake origin from "And There Were Fewer".
  • From "Brian Writes a Bestseller":
  • From the otherwise cringeworthy "Excellence in Broadcasting" there's the scene where Brian is living with Rush Limbaugh and has replaced several of his belongings with new ones made in America. All of them break except for his new cat, which moos.
  • From "Welcome Back, Carter":
    • Limo jousting.
    Carter: Get away from my wife, you rascal!
    Rodginald: Such language in the presence of a lady! If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in twixt!
    Peter: Hang on Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. (to Rodginald) Penis.
    Rodginald: Aaaaaaaah! <Faints>
  • Peter: "I need that money for bourbon and anime!"
    Peter during cutaway: I don't understand any of this. Everyone in Japan is either a ten-year old girl or a monster!
  • Brian and Stewie failing their first Christmas delivery as Santa Claus in "Road to the North Pole".
    Stewie: Oh my god, we're at the wrong house!
    • From the same episode, Stewie's lamentation when the Mall Santa left for the night...
    Stewie: That son of a bitch, he just turned his back on me! The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey!
    (Gilligan Cut to Gary Busey in his bathroom, looking at the mirror)
    Gary's "Reflection," a Monster Clown: (flashing double thumbs-up) YOU'RE DOIN' GREAT!
    Gary Busey: (also flashing double thumbs-up) GOOD! THEN I'LL KEEP IT UP!
    Winnie the Pooh: "Come on, Eeyore, let's go play!
    Eeyore: "I don't wanna."
    Pooh: "Why are you always so down?"
    Eeyore: "I have a nail in my anus."
    Pooh: "Oh."
    • The over-the-top multi-car crash Stewie causes with the signal flare. Goes on for what seems like a full minute, ending with Brian swerving to avoid running into Stewie (who's standing in the street calmly brushing himself off), crashing into a snowbank, and taking an airbag to the face. When he asks Stewie what happened Stewie just mumbles in a bored voice "Eh, just some... stupid stuff went down..."
  • Stewie breaking the fourth wall in "The Big Bang Theory" by saying that a brightly-colored ad for The Cleveland Show can still appear out of nowhere.
  • In the episode "New Kidney in Town", four words: Peter on Red Bull. That is all.
  • Patrick Stewart providing the voice of Susie Swanson's inner thoughts. Yes, really.
    ''This feels right but it tastes like a dirty penny."
  • The "Carter destroys bench" scene in "Trading Spaces."
    "You loved that bench!"
  • The Street Fighter II-style fight between Peter and Mr. Washi-Washi.
  • The sequence in "It's A Trap!" where Brian is driving the AT-ST.
  • Robert Loggia screaming "NOT OKAY!" after an AIDS joke. HUGE Big Lipped Alligator Moment.
    • The AIDS joke itself was much more clever then one would have expected from a show like this:
    Mayor West: Oh by the way I should tell you I've got aids.
    Carol: What!?
    Mayor West: yeah, they're right over there waiting for me!
    Aid: Ready to go when you are, sir!
    Mayor West: Poor guys, they both have AIDS.
  • "I heard all of that, and I just want to say this family is fucking disintegrating."
  • Three words: Muppet style sight seeing.
    • From the same episode, calling the music video for David Bowie and Mick Jagger's "Dancing In The Street" gay, then playing the entirety of it. It catching a lot of flack for being pointless, but it definitely turns the video into total Narm.
    • Pre-wheelchair Joe performing the original American Dad! intro.
  • From "Brothers & Sisters", there's Peter's flashback to - since he didn't have a brother or sister - having a "broster" in his past.
    Broster: "Hey, Peter, wanna see my paginis?"
    Peter: "I, uh, I...I don't know."

     Season Ten 
  • The Black Woman vs. The Italian Man nature documentary cutaway from "Seahorse Seashell Party".
    Italian Man: Hey, you can't park there!
    Black Woman: Excuse me?
    Narrator: Sensing confrontation, the black woman prepares by removing all her rings. Meanwhile, the Italian man makes sure that all the other Italian men, can see what's happening. A flock of Jews, sensing danger, take flight and flee, as it is their best of survivalnote .
  • Even though "Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q" isn't very funny (not because of weak and lazy writing, but because the episode showed Domestic Abuse as a serious problem, and not the punchline to a dark joke), it still had some funny moments:
    • The Iraq Lobster.
    • Peter looking through the door's peephole and seeing Quagmire distorted in the glass with a sad face. When we see Quagmire, he face really was distorted like that from lack of sleep hearing the abuse going on in his house.
    • Porch-of-Geese
    • The cutaway of how hard it is getting a straight answer from a 23-year old girl.
    • Soliciting a rooster.
    Man: I don't know what this "cock-a-doodle-doo" thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in.
    Rooster: You're about to have a neat day.
    • Peter mistaking Gwyneth Paltrow for a sick golden retriever.
    • Brenda's childhood song to Quagmire predicting that he'll die of autoerotic asphyxiation — with Brian questioning, "This song is from childhood?"
  • Peter's Mexican fart.
    Mexican...ghost...thing that came out of Peter's ass: "CON CUIDADO, ES EL STIIIIINKO!" *fires guns into the air, causing everyone to run away screaming*
  • Stewie crashing the car.
  • Too many parts in "Back to the Pilot" to list.
    • The dozens of alternate Brians and Stewies. That is all.
    • Present Brian and Stewie making the Kool-Aid Man late for his "oh no" arrival. Followed by him tripping and shattering.
    • Alternate Bush's "press statement" after the announcement that the South's leaving the Union again:
    Clip of Bush: Can anyone get me a clown's suitcase? I'd like to see what's inside it. (clip ends)
    Tom Tucker: Sorry, we seem to have the wrong clip. What's that? (touches earpiece) Really? That's it?
    Peter: Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. (Cut to Peter standing against a blank white background.) Matthew McConaughey is terrible.
    • "Pebble in my shoe, pebble in my shoe, pebble in my shoe."
    • Frogmire. That is all.
    Frogmire: Ribbity.
    • Also, all the jokes about the older art style, and the bit about what Cutaway gags actually look like from an outside perspective.
    Brian: That's odd. It's our house...but somehow it looks a little different.
  • Mayor West tells a story to his grandchildren, then one of them interrupts. West declares him his favourite. He then tells the story to his great-grandchildren, one of whom interrupts. The kid gets burnt to cinders with Sith Lightning.
    Mayor West: Future old people are wizards.
    • Peter taking one bite out of a rice cake and reacting violently to it.
    • Peter trying to resist the urge of a delicious pie and warding off the cliched hand-like motion of the hot steam. So the steam tries to rape him! And it's making Quagmire watch!
    • Sitting behind a giraffe at a ball game.
    • The Vacation-style credits. The final one had me laughing my ass off! Chris was churning that butter pretty hard.
    • Stewie's bad pun when the family winds up in Amish country. As well as Brian's reaction to it.
    • Peter trying to reason with Meg's Amish boyfriend's dad. Eventually the dad agrees to let them see each other, but then Peter breaks out a radio in order to 'teach them about rock and roll.' The song on the radio that Peter sings along to at the top of his lungs? Highway to Hell.
  • "This food is so fucking good Lois." "Oh, okay. Wow."
  • The girls dressing Brian in a bee suit.
    • Followed by Lois telling them to do Stewie, leading to this hilarious and badass line.
    Stewie: Alright, I guess this is the night bitches die.
    • He says this while spinning the barrel of a revolver.
    • When the Southern cop who spots some (obviously planted) drugs in the guys' trunk...
    Cleveland: Aw, come on! You planted that there!
    • The guys are in a Southern court. And The Simpsons cast is the jury!
      Quagmire: Well, at least it's a jury of our peers.
      Joe: I don't think they see it that way.
  • Peter ripping off someone's face a la Scooby-Doo.
  • Joe's Fiona Apple tribute video.
    • How Every Pizza Place ruins a salad.
    Employee 1: OK, 4 pizzas and a salad.
    Employee 2: Salad? How do we make a salad?
    Employee 1: First, you put in the whole head of lettuce.
    Employee 2: Even the hard to eat white part?
    Employee 1: It's what the people want!
    Employee 2: I got a can of whole black olives, should I slice 'em up?
    Employee 1: Are you crazy? You gotta know you've got an olive in your mouth!
    Employee 2: What about this tomato?
    Employee 1: Slice it into thirds. It should be big enough to pretend you have red teeth.
    Employee 2: What about this carrot?
    Employee 1: Cut it once very thin lengthwise, the whole length of the carrot.
    Employee 2: I got some jalapeno peppers, but you can't really eat 'em.
    Employee 1: Just dump the whole jar in.
    Employee 2: Should we put it in a bowl?
    Employee 1: Nah, put it in a lasagna case.
    Employee 2: I'll take it.
    Employee 1: Be sure to put it right on top of the pizza to make it warm.
    *answers phone*
    Employee 1: Hello, Every Pizza Place.
  • "Lois. Griffin. Peter. Griffin. We. Heard. A loon."
  • The moment Chris introduces his new girlfriend Lindsey and we see she looks exactly like Lois.
  • The "hooker."
  • A blind person's interpretation of Titanic (1997).
  • The Japanese version of tai-chi:
    Japanese Guy #1: Hey, you wanna see a movie?
    Japanese Guy #2: Nah, we're Japanese; let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus.
  • Brian watching The Adventures of Milo and Otis.
    • This...
    Brian: I mean she's teaching you guys independence.
    • When Brian learns about Stewie's horrible daycare teacher, he immediately comes over to give her a piece of his mind....until he goes in the backyard and sees her tanning in her bikini.
  • Stewie is afraid of the robot on the cover of Queen's "News Of The World"
    Stewie: God, why does he look SAD? He's already destroyed mankind, what else could he want?
    Brian: He didn't kill Queen. They're all fine. (pause) Most of them are fine.
    • Later on, after being scared by a wall-sized image of the album cover.
    • The fact that one of the kids at the fat camp is Barry should raise a chuckle, due to it being a funny cameo.
  • Mayor West pulling hot dogs from his mouth. His score in the contest is in the negatives!
  • Peter's Mundane Ghost Story ending with a take-out menu for... an all-vegan restaurant!
  • Peter finding "Surfin' Bird" annoying.
    • "Who else but Shirtpants?"
  • Peter beating an old man with cataracts to steal his bingo board.
  • In "Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream", there's a flashback cutaway where Lois is informing Chris of Francis' death 5 seasons ago. Chris's response is to inexplicably turn into part dilophosaurus and blind Lois with his spit.
  • "I got a story. It's about The Little Penis That Could."

     Season Eleven 
  • Peter choosing a donkey with sunglasses.
    • Brian pissing on top of Mount Everest, and the subsequent reaction from a random dog.
    Bloodhound: (sniffs air) Fuck, no way.
    • This exchange during the trip to the Fishman's:
    Peter: A cold car ride through a dark suburban night. Look out the window and think of death, kids. Its-a comin'...
  • Peter's version of Mad Men.
    Homer: Guys, I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it!
    Peter: A-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.
  • Carter saying that he's kept the cure for cancer a secret the year Who Let the Dogs Out? came out.
    Brian: You've had it since 1999?
    Stewie: You know when Who Let the Dogs Out? came out?
    Brian: It's a song about dogs and letting them out.
    • "Oh Carter, you devil!"
  • Stewie's reverse diaper change.
    Stewie: Oh my God, it just went back in my body.
      • Reverse chicken fight and puke-a-thon.
      • Brian and taking a woman with him back to the Hindenburg disaster.
      • "And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, there's a dog having sex with a woman! I know I said 'Oh, the humanity' before, but seriously, oh the humanity even more! I mean, come on!"
      • Peter falling up the stairs after saying he hates these "new stairs".
      • The reverse bathtub gag where Cleveland's bathtub falls up.
      • The cutaway of Stewie forgetting what comes after G and having to fake it.
      • The reverse of time causing Lacey Chabert to be the voice of Meg instead of Mila Kunis.
      • "It's a girl!...with a penis and no vagina."
      • Stewie's anguished "OH BLOODY HELL!" as he is born a second time.
  • Chris dropping Brian and breaking his neck.
  • Stewie getting saved by Mario.
    • The horrified reactions of Meg, Chris and Brian hearing Lois and Peter banging in the basement.
    Brian: My hearing's better, so I'm hearing like, suction and stuff.
  • The Monty Python's Flying Circus-style opening from "Space Cadet".
    • In an Imagine Spot Chris, after Peter and Lois's deaths, turns them into singing trophies akin to a novelty animatronic bass and they sing "Hooked on a Feeling" with Lois doing the background vocals and Peter doing the main.
    • Chris' principal thinking his well-done picture of Bob Belcher from Bob's Burgers is yet another example of how poorly he's doing in school.
    • Chris being given money to appear on TV after modeling his hair and accent after Russell Brand's.
    • Peter's invention of the razor blade comb.
    • At the space camp Peter and Brian go into the sensory deprivation room. A scream is heard, then when they come out Peter's head is now on Brian's body and vice versa, Peter commenting "Things got crazy so fast!"
    • We can't forget this exchange right after the family has dropped off Chris.
    Peter: "No matter what, we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we saw on the way here."
    Lois: "Peter, that was The University of Florida."
    • After the Griffins are launched into space.
    Meg: I don't wanna die!
    Lois: Oh, Meg! All those suicide threats, and you're just as chicken-shit as everyone else.
    • When Peter watches Breaking Bad, the TV hypnotizes him to incessantly talk about what a great show both it and The Wire are. Cuing a great joke later where he brings them up and Stewie says "Ugh, he never shuts up about those shows."
    • Also, while they are blasting off into space, Brian, calling YOLO, sticks his head out the window, shouting that it's the best part of whatever makes this enjoyable.
  • From "Brian's Play", there's Stewie as the human resources guy for The Muppets and firing Beaker because he's been taking supplies to make crystal meth and selling it to Big Bird, who at the end of the scene comes in with bald patches on his body from scratching his feathers off.
    • Peter eating his toast with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. He doesn't realize it's been replaced with real butter, and ends up getting sent to an insane asylum after murdering three children (whether the doctor meant his own children wasn't clear).
    • During Stewie's "The Reason You Suck" Speech against Brian he mentions that it took Peter a year to understand Stuart Little. He wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks that "Stuart" means "mouse", Lois tells him no and he goes back to sleep, then he guesses "Little" means "mouse", Lois tells him no again, and he tells himself "I feel so old and in the way."
    • Stewie's dodgeball pseudonym being "Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower".
    • Stewie poaching the lead of Brian's play to cast in the production of his play in New York. The lead tells Stewie he'll be right with him and he "just has to finish this crap" while in the middle of Brian's play.
  • Stewie traveling back in time, where he winds up making out with Baby Lois.
    Brian: So, what happened?
    Stewie: None of your fucking business, that's what happened!
  • In "Chris Cross" Chris tries to help Meg put in contacts, when before he can her eyes roll backward leaving her blind.
  • Peter parachuting into Angry Birds.
  • The opening of "Bigfat". Peter gets shot by his new neighbor, Stan Smith, but wakes to find it was a nightmare. At which point, Hank Hill walks in, and the whole thing is revealed to be one of his dreams.
    Hank: Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.
    • Feral!Peter, who's spent over 2 months living in the wilderness. His reaction to television is to hump it.
    Chris: He's doing what we're all thinking.
    • What finally snaps Peter back to normal;
    Peter: Shut up, Meg.
  • Lois talking with Bonnie on "Call Girl".
    Lois: It's kind of a long story, you see...
    Robert Loggia: Eight f&@king hours later.
    • Anime Peter.
    • The whole first five minutes of the episode: Peter decides to become a falconer, and adopts a falcon named Xerxes. Some examples here.
    • When Peter has sex with the disguised Lois, who he thinks is the phone whore he's fallen in love with.
    Robert Loggia: Eight f&@king hours later.
    • In a scene on the DVD version of the episode where Lois claims her job is doing voiceovers for 'obscure European commercials', Stewie says he should try getting back into working on TV, since he hasn't been on it due to swearing. Cut to the opening titles:
    Family*Singing*: Lucky there's a man who/positively can do/all the things that make us...
    Stewie*Yelling*: SUCK MY COCK, MOTHERFUCKER!
  • At the beginning of "Total Recall" Peter is trying to make himself sick to make his voice deeper, so he goes to a restaurant that Lindsay Lohan just ate at and licks her dessert fork. He then bleeds out of his ears and nose and demands that the busboy give him cocaine.
  • Female batters.
    Peter: Alright, chick batter. Everyone bring it on in.
    Butch Lesbian: Get a hit, babe!
    Batter: You know it, babe.
    Peter: Alright, move it back, move it back.
    • From that same episode, Jerome has to adjust himself before batting. So he touches his foot.
  • In "Farmer Guy", a cutaway has Peter and Lois deciding to have sex in a restaurant bathroom. Peter goes in and comes out satisfied before it's revealed that Lois never left her seat; Peter had sex with a male version of Lois who thought he was having sex with his wife, who is a female version of Peter in an in-universe example of Rule 63.
    • Peter's immediate devolution into paranoia. "Welp, now that we're selling meth, I guess I'll have to turn into one of those guys who freaks out at imaginary noises!"
    • Brian revealing that he's going to Quahog Tech State Tech. Stewie's response is "'Tech' is in there twice?"
    • Brian's reaction when the family reveals they're going to a nice farm upstate (which, in this case, is an actual farm, not a euphemism for euthanizing Brian, as that phrase is often used to explain away the death of a pet) is comic gold.
    • Peter sends a carrier pigeon to get a payment from one of his clients. After the client gives the pigeon the money, it cuts to the pigeon having blowing it on a jet ski with "Round and Round" playing.
    • The meth lab exploding and destroying the whole house at the end.
    Stewie: There a lot of rottweilers in that house...
    • Stewie buying cough syrup for meth production from a very unconvinced pharmacist.
    Stewie: Uh, I have a cold... achoo...
    • When Peter catches Meg and Chris neglecting their chores in the kitchen, this exchange follows:
    Peter: Hey, I thought I told you kids to go plow in the field.
    Chris: But dad, we've been plowing all morning.
    Meg: Yeah, I can't take any more plowing. I can barely walk.
    Peter: Look, I know it seems like dirty work, but Chris, you've got to spread that seed until your sack is empty, and Meg, you've got to clear that brush so he can plant it deep where it needs to be.
    Chris: Okay, we'll keep at it, but I think that hoe is pretty much worn out.
    Peter: Well, flip it over, you can use both sides.
    *all three strike a "ta-da!" pose*
  • From "Roads to Vegas", there's a montage in where a magician pulls a magic trick on a white tiger in a cage which makes it switch places with Stewie. The tiger then gives Brian a high-five.
    • Brian taking a hit out on Quagmire's cat, then the hitman sending him a confirmation via text.
  • From "12 and a Half Angry Men", Peter accidentally dropping his phone in the toilet at a public restroom. You only hear his voice and some splashing behind a stall door and see his legs kneeling on the floor as he's struggling find it:
    "Oh ow! it's so cold and it's under everything! Ugh! Feels like I'm rooting around a pitcher of sangria! Ugh, where is it? Oh god why haven't I found it yet?! Oh no, I didn't roll my sleeve up far enough! Oh, why didn't I flush when I got in here?! Augh! This isn't even all mine! Oh no, there's a spider crawling on my face!(slap) Ahh! Why didn't I use the hand that was on the floor?! WHY DID I USE MY TOILET HAND?!! Oh here it is behind the toilet.
    • When Bruce is reading the second jury vote.
    Bruce: Guilty...guilty...some hurtful slurs followed by the word guilty...
    Carter: Haha...
    • During Quagmire's demonstration of an orgy, Dr. Hartman is suspended from the ceiling in his underwear.
      • And then when Quagmire throws himself on top of the orgy demonstration and displays his own move, he inexplicably melts over them all.
    • The revelation that Carl can't write.
    Quagmire: This paper just has a squiggly line on it.
    Carl (in his head): Careful now. You're playing a dangerous game, Carl.
    • Stewie asking Brian why he's so proud about finding a man not guilty when the killer is still at large.
    Peter: Hey, guys? I realized my jury duty's tomorrow.

     Season Twelve 
  • "Finders Keepers":
    • Peter's Jaw Drop when hearing about the treasure map.
    • Peter disgusting Meg with his bad breath while singing "Minnie the Moocher" in the car. When she bails the car, Peter gives her "mouth to nose" resuscitation.
    • Joe and Quagmire's argument about eating a Mounds bar.
    • When Lois quits the treasure hunt, Peter hires Tricia Takanawa to be the new Lois.
    • When Peter asks Lois to forgive him because Chris forgave him for giving him a black eye earlier, it goes to Chris rubbing an ice pack over his eye muttering "I can't wait until you fall asleep tonight."
    • Peter using his cutaway setups to transport himself.
  • "Quagmire's Quagmire":
  • "A Fistful of Meg":
    • Meg fears getting beaten up by Mike and says she can already imagine her funeral. It then cuts away to a casket lowering into a grave...and Peter tossing Meg's corpse into the grave.
    • During the flashback to Meg's birth, it's shown that Peter wrote on her birth certificate to change "Megan" to "Megatron".
    • When Neil tries to befriend Mike, he turns Neil into a balloon animal, sticks him to a locker then pops him with a knife.
    • Stewie imagining a menstrual cycle as a Dr. Seuss-style vehicle/musical instrument.
    • Peter going 6 months without bathing, causing him to turn into a sentient mass of food.
    Food!Peter: Hungry! Hungry! More food for my pile! (Lois pours food onto Peter) I will assimilate this new smell into the Borg of my other smells!
    • Quagmire and Meg appearing in the famous training scene from Punch-Out!!. Peter shows up behind him and declares "I'm in the video game too!"
    • Brian forcing his hairless body on Peter definitely counts as Nausea Fuel, but Chris and Lois's reactions deserve a mention: Chris claws his eyes out and Lois goes for a gun.
    • Meg kills Mike by lifting up her shirt, causing him to melt Ark of the Covenant style.
    • And then there's what Meg did to provoke Mike into challenging her in the first place. In a Shout-Out to A Christmas Story, Meg trips, sending her spaghetti flying and tumbling back down onto herself and Mike's jacket. The same gag is also a possible callback to Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story's reveal that Future!Meg is a female-to-male transgender.
    Meg: "Ooooooooohhhhhhhh, fuuuuuuuudddddddgggggggeeeeee!
    Jean Shepherd: "Only I didn't say fudge. I said *bleeeeeeeeep*."
  • "Boopa-Dee Bappa-Dee":
    • The whole family relocates to Italy. Among other things, Meg starts dating Mario. And Luigi.
    • Let's not forget the gondolier in the hotel bathroom.
    • When Lois says she wants to return to America, we get this exchange.
    Peter: "Go back? But I thought you loved Italian Peter! And Southern Italian Peter!"
    (a dark skinned Peter with a bushy black moustache walks in)
    Southern Italian Peter: "Olive Oyle!"
    • When the Griffins are trying to reclaim their American citizenship, which Peter renounced by changing their nationality on the networking site Shutupayofacebook, part of the test is singing the US national anthem. Everyone pulls it off, except Chris who sings the theme from The Bodyguard instead.
    • The Mafia appearing. Specifically, the long gag where they threaten to steal people's credit cards. "Sure, you can dispute the charges, but you have to call them, and it's always like they don't believe you."
    • Meg and Chris attending school in Italy. Their teacher's "lecture" only involves her shaking her gigantic breasts around while chanting, "Ratatatatatata!"
  • "Life of Brian":
    • Although no one (at the time it aired, at least) really got any laughs out of this one, there's a humorous moment when at the funeral Mayor West complains that nobody went to his funeral, then gets out of his chair and walks backwards fading away, revealing that he's a ghost.
    • Quagmire, known to hate Brian's guts, watching baseball at his funeral.
    Quagmire: Damn it Ortiz, stop swinging at junk!
    • The cutaway about Joe driving Grimace around town.
    • Joe getting hit by a black woman with a purse.
    • At the vet, Peter sits next to a decapitated chicken holding his head in his right arm. The chicken then tells Peter that he has a bad reputation in the chicken community.
    • After Brian gets run over, a squirrel kicks him, spits on him and says "That guy sucked!".
  • "Into Harmony's Way":
    • The Griffins watching Muppet Babies in where Kermit and Miss Piggy are looking at Kermit Jr., who is a frog-pig hybrid whose every waking moment is agony.
    • Quagmire getting followed home by an M-to-F transvestite, whose face is still very masculine and has a 5 o'clock shadow.
      • It's implied he still had sex with her as long as no one saw her come inside.
    • Mort's fall from fame as the manager of Earth, Wind & Fire (and Pollen), and the reveal that he used to be much better looking.
      • It's even better than that. Mort reveals that he had an addiction during his manager days - olives, which actually turned him into a handsome, deep voiced guy at one point, which is treated by him like a drug addled rock star lamenting his lost good looks.
    • The lyrics of all of Peter and Quagmire's songs. Special mention goes to "Train on the Water, Boat on the Track" and Get Out Of The Left Lane, You Stupid Asian B***
    • When Peter feels bad about leaving the family behind, he imagines what Thanksgiving will be like without him to cut the turkey. Cut to Lois vacuuming the turkey not knowing what to do.
    • The Black Albino Choir.
    • Peter and Quagmire kissing.
    • Peter committing suicide in the ending, right after the family reunion was played as a typical positive sitcom moral.
  • "Christmas Guy":
    • When Stewie is angered that the Christmas Carnival has been cancelled, we see Lois and Peter inside conversing of how Carter now has blood on his hands while Stewie is outside talking down the Christmas lights from the house across the street, making out with and beheading a snowman and finally nuking the entire town.
    • After that, when Lois mentions that her father always hated Christmas, the scene cuts away to Carter coming down Santa's chimney on June 16th and touching all of Santa's stuff with his soot-covered hands.
    • Peter forcefeeding Carter eggnog, making him talk with his mouth full, covering him in it, and recording him. The entire scene is done in a very suggestive way.
    • Also the scene where Peter mentions that canceling the carnival is making people think Carter is Jewish. Carter is alerted by this and we get a Smash Cut to the carnival now open.
    • Stewie acknowledging him not aging when Lois says that it's his first Christmas and him replying "Again?"
    Lois: Chris, calm down. You're getting a nosebleed.
  • "Peter Problems":
  • "Grimm Job"
    • In "Jack and the Beanstalk", Jack and his wife gets into an argument about the magic beans.
    Jack: "I never even friggin heard of magic beans until you brought them up! If I get some, it's you that caused it!"
    • Jack hangs a lampshade on the Giants "fee fi fo fum" bit.
    Jack: "You know, it's odd that you would speak gibberish of your own choosing, and still not have it rhyme."
    • At the end of the Jack and the Beanstalk segment, Bruce plants some magic beans and squats over them.
    Bruce: "And now we wait."
    • In "Little Red Riding Hood", Peter/The Woodsman randomly bursts in and violently bisects Brian/The Wolf with a chainsaw, then runs out again. Stewie then asks that he's not sure if The Woodsman is the hero of the story or some lunatic going house to house murdering people.
      • Considering that you then hear him break into the house next door and murder the occupants, its probably the latter.
    • The items in the basket Red Riding Hood's mom gives her to bring to grandmother's house.
    Stewie: "Why is there a bag of ice in here? And... is this a Coors Party Ball?! Is grandma entertaining Florida jetski people?"
    • During the Cinderella segment, when Stewie asks Cinderella (Lois) how the made her dress so fast.
    Cinderella (Lois): Oh, you know. I have an eye for fashion and I'm pretty good with my hands.
    Mouse 1: Unbelievable!
    Mouse 2: Now I'm nervous about the screenplay we gave her.
    • Also, Cinderella recalling how the stepsisters pranked her by having King Midas go third-base on her.
    • "Oh God, we have so few female characters."
    • While dancing with Cinderella, Prince Charming declares that the next song will be their song. The theme tune for The Cleveland Show starts playing, and Cleveland as the conductor turns to give a thumbs up.
    • At the end of the episode, Peter says goodnight to Chris and closes his bedroom door, revealing Herbert hiding behind it.
  • "Brian's a Bad Father":
    • When Brian gets fired from the show, he decides to take some of the table food for himself, eventually stuffing the entire table into his car.
    • The cutaway involving the MGM lion living his childhood dream of "sticking his head in a circle at the beginning of movies".
    Lion: What's up now, bitches!?
    Stewie: "You know, when you say "for this", it really telegraphs what you're going to do."
    Peter: Hey, Lois, if I was gonna kill myself, do I slit my wrists this way or this way.
    Meg: (offscreen) Sideways for attention, long way for result.
  • "Mom's the Word":
    • S.T. the Special Terrestrial.
    • Stewie trying to kill himself by dropping a toaster in the bathtub, only for the electricity to turn him into Toaster Man.
    • When Peter first meets Evelyn, he asks if she's Cocoon, and apologizes for not having any glowing rocks that makes you younger.
    • When Peter accidentally kills Evelyn by hugging her too hard.
    • Peter struggling to make it to the restroom with people trying to invite him to certain things. He then beats ups everyone while still walking to the restroom a la Airplane!
    Peter: Finally, now I can go to the-
    Peter: UH-OH!
    • Even better is the reason for his Potty Emergency, he ate a taco he found in the parking lot. In the end, he ends up having to wear his shirt as a pair of improvised pants home.
    • When Peter and Lois look through a book which has young Peter's footprints in it, the last pages shift from having normal human footprints to having giant three-toed reptilian clawed footprints.
    • When Peter brings Evelyn to the Clam, her behaviour towards Peter creeps Quagmire out, so he leaves. He is quickly followed by Joe, who gets up from his wheelchair and walks away.
  • "3 Acts of God":
    • Jerusalem is filled with clones of Mort, and Joe throws pennies to attract them like throwing crumbs to pigeons. Admit it, you chuckled.
    • Brian defending his atheism despite the fact that Peter met God by saying that Peter believes Mickey Mouse is somehow always there whenever he goes to Disney World.
    • The cutaway showing Peter setting up cutaways.
    Peter: Now, where are the gays?
    Gay Man: Over here.
    Peter: No, the really cartoony gays.
    Cartoony Gay Man: Yooooohooooo!
    • Peter making a cutaway that leads to a pedophile joke, then complaining to the Television Academy about them not winning an Emmy, saying that they would lave laughed at the joke had Modern Family done it.
    • Death explaining to Cleveland why he's there.
    • At the end where Meg fades into thin air.
    • One of the stops on the gangs journey to find God is India.
    Peter: What better place to search for God than the most spiritual country on Earth!
    (The screen pans out, revealing the chaotic, filthy mess of an Indian city.)
    Peter: God is not here.
    • Mario Williams' line:
    I would like to thank God and a jury of my peers, without whom I would not be playing today.
    • Chris going through the NFL Experience.
    I've got headaches. Oh well, at least I can donate my brain to science. (shoots self in chest)
  • "Vestigial Peter": Peter and Lois go to the mall and enter a Sears, which has now become a Mad Max-style wreckage.
  • "Fresh Heir":
    • When Peter fades out of existence after accidently tearing up his birth certificate.
    Peter: Oh god, there's no light! There's only fire!
    • When Peter bonds with a stranger and lets him in a car and plays "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", then Peter throws him out of the car.
    • When Carter and Chris make the pizza dude eat a plate of potatoes to get his tip.
    • The moral at the end.
    Peter: I've learned something today. Its wrong for a man to take his son to Vermont to gay marry him for his inheritance.
    Stewie: You... you should have known that already.
    • The reason Lois was able to track down Peter so fast? Several people had called the police about a man marying his son.
    • The Woody Allen reference that closes off the episode.
    Peter: By the way, this is a reference to a Woody Allen movie. He also married one of his kids.
  • "Secondhand Spoke":
    • Peters reaction to the smokers support group.
    Peter: Lois, why does everyone here look like Emperor Palpatine?
    • When Peter tried to prove that he does smoke he put a cigarette in his ear, then his eye, then his balls.
    • Chris' bad insult to the bullies.
    Chris: You have a sister too!
    • One of the bullies tries to defend having a microphallus by saying that he can reset his cable box with it.
    • Peter being unable to go more than about 30 seconds without smoking once he's hooked.
  • "Herpe, the Love Sore":
    • The coked-up giraffe.
    • Stewie and Chris humiliating Brian by hacking into his Facebook page to exploit the fact that he has herpes.
    • The show Bryan Cranston Sneezes. Which is essentially just Bryan Cranston sneezing, then being handed an Emmy. Bonus points: This was a live action clip, with the real Bryan Cranston.
    • The first person Stewie calls about herpes? Handy Manny.
    Stewie: Manny? Manny, I'm gonna have you take off speakerphone for this...
    • Peter playing around with the whip he stole from Quagmire's mail.
    Stewie: Hey Peter, thats a Cool Hwip! *Peter lashes him across the face with the whip* AHHH! I thought you couldn't understand me!!
    • Peter declaring how important his booth is to him and how every single important event in his life happened in that booth.
    Peter: "I was here during the Apollo Space Crash."
    Flashback Peter: "Oh God, No."
    Peter: "I was here during 9/11 bombings."
    Flashback Peter: "Oh God, No."
    Peter: "I was here they elected Obama."
    Flashback Peter: "Oh God, No."
  • "The Most Interesting Man in the World":
    • Stewie as a grandfather confused about Skype.
    Old Stewie: Please dont holler, I dont understand anything! I'm very frightened!
    Peter: "I told no one what I was doing today!"
    • Smart Peter utterly schooling Brian and exposing him as the pretentious faux-intellectual he is.
    • Peter replacing the TV with a bookshelf, and offers various books to replace popular tv shows, such as Frankenstein to The Walking Dead. When he brings up Game of Thrones he offers... Game of Thrones.
    • When the family gets sick of Smart Peter, they decide to reset him to his original personality by sending him to the dumbest city in the U.S.: Tucson, Arizona. To drive it home, it's filled with snaggletoothed idiots who gleefully punch each other in the nuts.
    • Dial Cross-Species Shampoo, for people who like showering with their dog.
  • "Baby Got Black":
    • When Peter, Quagmire and Joe try to see who can go the longest without sleeping and they see hallucinations.
    • When one of the lobsters at the restaurant makes a sexual innuendo about Jeromes daughter, and Chris tells the waiter to give him that one for dinner.
    • Peters "Thank the whites" song, mostly the part with black people contributing to pop singers like Eminem and Justin Bieber.
    • Peter telling Chris about sex.
    Peter: It's AWESOME!
    • Peter dancing to Footloose.
  • "Meg Stinks!":
    • "Anal Roberts" university.
      • "It's hard to get into, but once you're in it's worth it."
    • Drunkee The Incredibly Offensive Indian Stereotype Sports Mascot
    • When Brian is blinded by the skunk he runs around the house and grabs Chris's leg, so Chris beats him with Stewie. Then the smell scares the roaches out of the wall and they form together into a giant hand to open the door and leave, but since they were 70% of the structure of the house the roof collapses on everyone.
      • When Lois asks if it's covered by their insurance, Peter replies that they don't cover acts of dog, then crawls over to a drum kit to do a rimshot.
    • Brian's nephew Scrappy Brian, who gets randomly eaten by a velociraptor.
    • When Peter gets his hand cut off by a bridge, he grows a new one and his discarded hand grows into his Evil Twin Retep, who like Evil Stewie has the color of his shirt and pants inverted. He later appears and puts a rock on the lawn knowing Brian will run over it, then when Peter and Meg are flying away in the Megcopter Peter sees him murdering a woman.
    • Peter as a pediatrist.
    Meg: I thought you liked working at the toy factory.
    Peter: Hell no, I always wanted to be a pediatrist!
    (Cut away to Peter rubbing an old woman's feet)
    Old Woman: Thanks to you Dr. Griffin my bunion is healed and I can walk without pain.
    Peter: (Looking at the audience) This isn't a joke. I once had legitimate aspirations.
    • Peter's claim that all Bob Seger songs are actually about taking dumps. It's made clear by the titles Night Moves (Crapping in the middle of the night), Fire Inside (Presumably a Potty Emergency), Like a Rock (Constipation), and Against the Wind (Crapping out of a car window).
    • A spider luring a group of flies into its web with a sign reading "Free Aerosmith Tickets".
    • Arnold Schwarzenegger without an accent.
    • Meg getting her body covered in piercings, which attract all of the magnets in a gift shop except for one which clings to a piercing Peter got on his penis.
    Peter: I got one too!
    • When Brian gives a speech to Stewie explaining why he's staying outdoors, he immediately teleports back in the house in-between thunderstrikes when it starts to storm. It's then revealed that Mayor West was watching them on a crystal ball.
  • "He's Bla-ack!":
    • Peter, Joe, and Quagmire ragging on Cleveland about how crappy his show was.
    • When Peter and Cleveland morphed their skin colors to avoid being seen by Donna.
    • The "Roof Baby" segment, as seen here.
    • Peter putting on the silent headphones and then hears a voice in his head screaming that he does not want to kill the people on the plane with Peter panicking.
    • Peter marrying a band member that was staring at him.
    • When Peter and Joe pretend to arrest Cleveland.
    • When Lois tells Peter to stay away from "that Brown family", Stewie notes that what she said had more racist implications than intended.
    • The flashback montage showing all the good times Peter and Cleveland had, some examples when he meet him in the 80s, sang karaoke and Peter pulling Cleveland's pants down.
    • Cleveland walking in the middle of the theme song to switch places with Mort
    (Mort trips)
    Peter: Are you alright?
    Mort: Why do you care?!
  • "Chap Stewie":
    • Lois trying to calm Stewie during his tantrum.
      Lois: There-there, sweetie. (Stewie bites her finger) AAAHH! SCREW YOU, YOU LITTLE TURD!!!
    • Even funnier, Meg trying to give Stewie a hug.
      Meg: Aww, you wanna hug from your big sister? (Stewie headbutts her nose, breaking it) OW!
    • Chris and Stewie opening a lemonade stand only for the lemonade to somehow gain sentience, run away and stuff Chris into the pitcher.
    • Peter wishing that Meg be crushed by a meteor, then a Snickers bar coming out from inside the meteor.
    • British Stewie being crushed by a stage light and regular Stewie doing nothing to help him, making this the second time Stewie has been indifferent toward himself from an alternate timeline.
    • The various interchangeable Downton Abbey parodies that Stewie likes.
    • When Stewie shaves Peters hair in his sleep, Lois says he looks like a movie star. The next day, he's approached for an autograph on the street
    Peter: They think I'm Bruce Willis.
    Passersby: That was the monster from The Goonies!
    • British Stewies father.
    British Dad: This is our one superflous employee who I am not having a homosexual affair with.
    Servant: Sir, we have a meeting in the broom shed.
    (British Dad hands Stewie over to his mother) This is our last physical contact until I give you a firm handshake on your 18th birthday, son.
    • The only toy in Stewie's crib being an 18th century flintlock dueling pistol.
    • Stewie stealing plutonium from the research centre at Cambridge by carrying around a cup of tea and politely greeting the guards, making him utterly unremarkable to them.

     Season Thirteen 
  • "The Simpsons Guy":
    • Peter's brief career as a newspaper cartoonist, which consists mostly of amateurish scribbles paired with ancient jokes. It is a massive success, until he draws a sexist cartoon about women and dishwashers. at which point the Griffins are forced into exile.
    Peter: Jeez, its not like the Internet to lose its mind over nothing.
    • The Griffins' car being stolen just outside Springfield, with most of the episode consisting of Homer and Peter trying to find it. It eventually turns out that Hans Moleman stole it by accident.
    Hans: Oh dear, I was using this car as pants!
    • Just after getting the car back, Peter gets run over by Abe Simpson.
    Abe: I'm old so I'm the victim!
    • Stewie's unsettling attempt at doing a prank call to Moe's Tavern.
    Stewie: Hey Moe? Your sister's being raped! *hangs up the phone and turns to a shocked Bart* Was that it? Was that one?
    • Marge forcing Brian to eat in the kitchen with Santas Little Helper.
    • Peter referring to Apu as "funny-sounding Cleveland".
    • Peter telling Homer that to find the car, they have to think like a car. Cut to the two outside a gas station forcing themselves to drink $40 worth of gasoline.
  • "The Book of Joe":
    • Joe publishing his children's book under the name Steve Chicago because he doesn't want the guys at the station to know he wrote it, due to them panning his mime act.
    • Cleveland cleaning a pair of paintbrushes in Joe's pool.
    • Peter's insane sequel to The Hopeful Squirrel.
    • "Brian, why does everything you touch turn to garbage?"
    • "That's right, the sun's a black guy."
  • "Baking Bad":
    • Peter smashing the annoying woman who comes in and samples cookies all the time and claims "she's so bad" over the head with a metal tray.
    Lois: That was the right thing to do, Peter.
    • Peter gradually turning the cookie store into a strip club that gives out free cookies.
    • Stewie getting drunk off cough syrup to the point where Brian stages an intervention with all his stuffed animals.
    Stewie: (drunkly pointing to all his stuffed animals): Mr. Giraffe who lets little boys grind on his rump. Or Mr. Octopus who, who let's little boys grind on his rump. [etc]
    • The Cookie Monster being the head of the bank.
  • "Brian the Closer":
    • Cleveland finding a human head in a freezer...then getting distracted by sherbet.
    • Peter opening the blinds to see if there's an ocean view, only to reveal the old man living in the apartment across the alley standing in his window.
    Old Man: The harbor is poison! *Peter shuts the blinds quickly*
    • Joe's first impression of Quagmires new apartment
    • Part of the pitch video Brian shows Quagmire describes the apartment as "something a Persian guy would call a little too much".
  • "Turkey Guys":
    • Peter and Brian finding a Train song on the radio. After a few seconds of denial...
    Peter: Brian, I love Train.
    Brian: I fucking love Train!
    • The live turkey Peter brings to Thanksgiving dinner. At first it looks like theyre going to play a stock Aesop about Thanksgiving when he doesn't want to kill it, until Chris stumbles in drunk and shoots it before passing out.
  • "Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure":
    • "You're watching Amazon Prime, the network that brought you your sunscreen in two days."
    • Young!Peter failing homeroom by saying "There" during roll call.
    • Peter tries to get Chris to study by nailing the door shut, but he left his phone in Chris' room and Lois is sending dirty pictures of herself to it.
    • Chris, thinking he's dreaming, cuts off his arm because he thinks there's no consequences, so Stewie and Brian travel back six minutes to try it again.
    • After the time machine heads through time, Rupert tells the rest of Stewie's stuffed animals he's straight.
    • Brian causes Hemingway to shoot himself in 1920 Paris.
    • The gang stops in 1798 to release farts, which helps Jane Austen write "Pride And Prejudice".
    • Brian heads to steerage to look for Chris, then finds out that everyone, even the baby, looks and sounds like Peter.
    • Stewie gets the string quartet on the Titanic to play "Danger Zone".
    • The disclaimer at the end of the episode states all the historical facts were checked by Wikipedia and to learn more about history, go to Yahoo Answers.
  • "Our Idiot Brian":
    • Brian hanging a nice lampshade on Stewie tricking him into getting his brain tumor removed.
    • Peter telling Brian theyre gonna party like its the Roaring 20's, and the following cutaway.
    Man: (singing while doing the Charleston): No TV, movies suck, all the girls have a dudes haircut, wear a suit to breakfast! Underwear that laces up, you will die of measles!
    • Brian in the hospital:
    Brian Being in this hospital bed-I feel like the main character of As I Lay Dying as he or she lay dying!
    Stewie Oh, that's just the amount of superficial quasi-knowledge the old Brian had.
    • The entire montage of Peter and Brian doing crazy things set to "Cotten Eye Joe"
  • "This Little Piggy":
    • The cutaway of Brian and Stewie on Let's Make a Deal.
    • "Somehow my foot got pregnant while watching Tower Heist."
    • The giant pile of corpses of people who have O.D'd at the music festival.
    • Stewie taking the bra of the girl he and Brian were going to have a threesome with after she overdoses because she owed him 40 dollars, then tells Brian he's going to trade it for Gatorade.
    • Stewie trying to find a comfortable position on the ground but he eventually gives up and stands.
  • "Quagmire's Mom"
    • The episode's first cutaway, in which Peter takes Meg on a "field trip" (attempting to abandon her in a field), only to receive comeuppance for it.
    Peter: Okay here's the field, goodbye forever! (Peter runs into his car and drives right into a tree) AAUGHH! MEG, I'M INJURED! PLEASE HELP ME! I SMELL GAS! (Car bursts into flames) MEG, I'M STILL ALIVE, BUT I'M BADLY BURNED! COME SAVE MY LIFE AND NURSE ME BACK TO HEALTH! OH GOD, WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?!
    • Peter's karaoke phase cutaway, which is Peter waiting for the lyrics of "Baba O'Riley" to start.
    • Peter in an ad parody for The General car insurance.
    • Chris complaining that they haven't shown the girl Quagmire was accused of raping during his trial.
    • "Did you hear about you ex-husband yet? He had a, uh, procedure."
    • The Quagmire/Peter watch scene:
    Quagmire: Peter, I want you to take care of my antique gold Rolex watch.
    Peter: Aw, cool! A throwing watch!
    Quagmire: No, Peter..and I cannot emphasize this enough-this is not a throwing watch.
    Peter Oh, I get ya.
    (Quagmire hands Peter the watch; Peter tosses it into the distance.)
    Peter It didn't come back like you said it would.
    • Joe coming to arrest Quagmire for sleeping with the underage girl, only to be interrupted by the Facebook update Quagmire posted about it.
    Joe: Hah, score! *turns back to Quagmire* You're disgusting!
    • Kid!Quagmire learned his ABCs by memorizing the names of all the guys his mom slept with in alphabetical order.
  • "Encyclopedia Griffin":
    Peter: I wonder if Cleveland's gonna want his sax back.
    • Chris with Hamster Dance Tourette's Syndrome.
    • "If it's the shot from Psycho where you can see Anne Heche's bunghole, I've already seen it."
  • "Stewie Is Enciente":
    • Tom Tucker trying to read a news story while yawning.
    • The cutaway of Stewie robbing the Joseph A. Bank... by simply buying three suits for $99.
    • Stewie throws preschool applications into his artificial insemination machine.
    • In the subplot, the guys plan a viral video. Joe suggests him doing impressions, but they're all his voice.
    • "That's odd. Your vagina seems to have a penis and two testicles."
    • After Stewie finishes giving birth in Brian's car, Mayor Adam West looks in one of the car's windows.
    Adam: Mazel tov!
    • After Cleveland tells Peter Stewie was pregnant, Peter says he didn't notice because Lois is in charge of the kids.
    • The frog/chimp gangrape scene, in a Black Comedy way.
  • "Dr. C And The Women":
    • The ad for Outback Steakhouse Extreme, which serves larger portions than Outback Steakhouse.
    Announcer: PUNISH! YOUR! TOILET!
    • A blind man calls Meg gross.
    • After Cleveland diagnoses Mayor Adam West as a sociopath:
    Adam: Let me tell you something. (grabs Cleveland by the shirt collar) You're absolutely (bleep) right. (lets go) Time to put on my spaghetti hat! (puts on a strainer filled with spaghetti, then leaves)
    • Later on, he tells Cleveland he killed nine people... and he has ducks on his feet.
    Lois: If the green shirt goes around 30 times in five minutes, you get to have a Diet Coke!
  • "JOLO":
    • The cutaway of the Griffins getting excited over the Mc Rib coming back.
    Peter: This is what we practiced for!
    • After Peter climbs up a billboard, Cleveland, Joe and Quagmire moisturize their hands.
    • At salsa band practice, Peter wonders what's in his maracas, which leads to him thinking about killing his and Joe's babies.
    • Mayor Adam West hands Peter the key to the city, then leaves him in charge while he goes on a two-week vacation.
    • "I never stop to think. That's why I've had ringworm 11 times. I will roll in anything."
    • After Joe quits his job and leaves Bonnie, he fires a bullet in the air. The bullet then calls his mom.
    • Humpty Dumpty after his fall.
    Humpty Dumpty: Well, that's the last time I drink and masturbate on top of a high wall.
    Doctor: Maybe next time go straight to a medical professional instead of all the kings horses and all the kings illiterate servants.
    • Joe tries to tip a cow, but he gets pushed back.
    • The sign on Niagara Falls: "As seen on that spray starch can".
    • Peter and Lois accidentally wearing each other's pants.
    Lois: Thank you, Jazzercize!
    • Peter imagining his funeral, including two fat hula dancers on either side of his coffin, three monkeys singing "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer", and each mourner eating a soft pretzel.
    Lois: I dont know why your father wanted this, but we're honoring his request.
    • Joe tries to kill himself twice by rolling off the Niagara Falls, but gets stuck on the same branch every time.
    • Joe's plan for getting Bonnie back at the end of the episode, he had hired a few guys to do a home invasion on a Tuesday, so he could show up and be the hero.
    Joe: She'll be so grateful she'll have to take me back.
    Peter: Joe. Today's Tuesday.
    Joe: (looking at his watch) Well, poop.
  • "Once Bitten":
    • The clip from Yet Another Indiana Jones Movie: "Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads?"
    • The Warsaw Globetrotters killing the jaunty tune Sweet Georgia Brown with their deadpan singing and depressing lyrics.
    • To practice for giving dog suppositories to Brian, Peter watches an episode of Lassie where Timmy does just that.
    • Morgan Fairchild farting into a hole that leads to Tom Sizemore's air conditioning unit.
    • The cutaway of Peter being stuffed in a jack-in-the-box and crushing a child.
    • Brian's A Clockwork Orange style torture of watching clips of things that scare dogs, such as an old lady vacuumimg and a live-action photo of Michael Vick.
    • Neil holds up a picture of Sean Penn dressed similar to Mort.
    • Peter wearing a bow tie to piss off Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire.
    • The "Let's All Go to the Lobby" ad, updated as a PSA against theater shootings.
    • After Cleveland saw Halloween II, Peter tells Brian to search for Michael Myers.
    Cleveland: If it seems like he dead, he ain't dead!
    • A couple who lives a few blocks away from the Griffins commenting on the show and telling the audience at home about them.
  • "Roasted Guy":
    • "Two chair jokes in the same monologue. Sloppy."
    • The premature volcano.
    • Peter gets confused for two lesbian baristas that look like him.
    • A panda hiding in a pile of black and white pillows because he doesn't want to have a baby.
    • Peter getting a mammogram.
    Peter: If I have cancer, we're all going to Brazil.
    • Peter and Lois confused about Battlestar Galactica.
    • The montage of Peter practicing for the women's U.S. Olympic Diving trials.
    • How Peter ruins a wedding: He bribes a busboy to stab the groom.
    • Peter apologizing to Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland for breaking off their friendship, only to learn that Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland forgot all about Peter being upset over the roast and they assumed he just left town for a week.
    • The show ends with Peter saying that men are better than women, followed by a list of the show's staff, split into gender. There's only one woman and every other name is a man.
  • "Fighting Irish":
    • Peter throwing furniture into a giant Dumpster.
    Stewie: Hey, I'm still in here!
    • "Hmm, I guess I could get the mail at night."
    • The parade of all the women Quagmire has slept with by country, and The Griffins leaving when they see the women of Thailand, who are all underaged girls.
    • Quagmire's 1,000th sexual conquest (which he does onstage in front of the whole street)? A largemouth bass, which causes one woman and five children to leave.
    • "We're here to see Liam Neeson, the guy who wears the same long jacket in his movies."
    • Peter, dressed as Mrs. Potato Head, getting hit on and raped by Colin Farrell.
    Peter: The back is all just mashed potatoes now.
    • The cutaway of a woodchuck telling his parents that he wants to be a doctor, only to have his dreams shot down when his father says, "How much disease could a woodchuck doctor cure if a woodchuck could cure disease?"
    • What causes the fight between Liam and Peter: Peter says his storyline in Love Actually was the second-worst.
  • "Take My Wife":
    • The episode starts with Peter winning a poker game with a full house consisting of three jokers and two instruction cards.
    • Barbara Pewterschmidt not coming over because she was cast in a rap video as the stuffy old white woman who initially complains about the rapper and his entourage ruining her garden party, but eventually gets used to it.
    • Because an epic battle between owls and hornets would cost too much to animate, they decide to show stock footage of an old plane failing to take off instead.
    • Peter pushing a potted palm tree into a swimming pool.
    Peter: (to the lifeguard) I'm here a whole week, pal.
    • Checking out Hot or Not pictures, Brian rates a woman a 10 and a man 1. Stewie rates the woman a 1 and the man a 10. Then a picture of Carey Mulligan appears and both rate her a 5.
    • "I'd thought we'd all go down to the swimming hole and swim in a hole."
    • Peter's disgusted reaction when he learns that Adolf Hitler's birthday was on April 20th (and that Lois shares a birthday with him).
    • Quagmire thinking Kimi's eye color is shaved.
    • After finding out that all the couples are incompatible (and that includes a girl Quagmire brought along), the men clap.
    • Peter shouting, "Yay! I win couples' counseling!" after the counselor pairs him with Kimi (Quagmire's girlfriend for the episode).
    • Stewie admiring the shine from Carter's bare legs.
    • Carter, Brian, and the kids playing "flour-facing" (throwing flour in people's faces when they answer the door. Carter did it when he was young as a way to keep Italian-Americans from voting).
    • The cutaway of Peter bringing museum behavior into his house, which includes making the floors marble, dressing like a museum security guard, and forbidding Lois from touching the TV remote.
    • The cutaway of Stewie playing with Bublé wrap (bubble wrap that sounds like Michael Bublé when you pop a bubble), which starts out fun when he plays "I Just Haven't Met You Yet," but the more Stewie plays with it, the more it brags about making older women horny with his singing, with Stewie commenting, "This is a very skeevy packing product."
    • Cleveland worrying about dying at the hands of the Bahamian revolutionaries because that means his mail and DVR recordings of Ellen DeGeneres's talk show will pile up.
    • The one thing that snaps Chris, Meg, Stewie, and Brian out of enjoying life without TV and electronics: "We now return to Police Chases...That End In Fire."

     Season Fourteen 
  • "Pilling Them Softly":
    • Stewie bothering a preschool student during naptime.
    • Peter yelling advice during a NASCAR race.
    Peter: Go in a circle! Go in a circle! Go in a circle! Advertise stuff- GO IN A CIRCLE!!!
    • After the producer of a Channel 5 cooking show awkwardly tries to shake hands with Peter and Quagmire, Peter doesn't know what to do next, so he hugs the producer.
    • Peter tries to do the Cinnamon Challenge while Quagmire rambles on about mince pie.
    • "Hey, guess why they call me a box turtle."
    • Junior Chef Peter's helpful tips.
    • Peter gets fired from Quagmire's show by Mr. Spacely.
    • Stewie looking at all the water in the dehumidifier.
    • The cook-off training montage, but mostly Peter during random things to Cleveland's rear end.
    • "Yesterday, I watch Chris shower for half an hour because I thought it was the TV. He, uh, just lies on his back in there."
    • The winning dish in the cook-off: A packet of tartar sauce.
    • As Peter apologizes to Quagmire, he has various heart attacks and strokes at the same time after eating a giant amount of butter.
    • Peter and Quagmire get themselves fired the same way Paula Deen did, by saying the one word you can't say on TV...
    (cut to everyone at the Clam)
    Cleveland: You could have just quit the show. (end of episode)
  • "Papa Has A Rollin' Son":
    • The Autistic Postman Always Rings 400 Times. All we hear is a doorbell ringing over and over.
    • Glen clothes shopping with his father.
    • Peter as a break-up rodeo clown.
    Peter: Oh, now that I'm inside the barrel, he gave you and your sister HPV.
    • Rudolph the Uncircumsized Reindeer.
    • Peter crying like Snoopy.
    • A Boston fortune cookie.
    Peter: "I dont know numbnuts, maybe take a garage and fill it with hockey equipment?" Okay, lets see what my lucky numbers are. "Screw you, math dick". Well, that wasn't helpful at all!
    • In the subplot, Stewie discovers Tom Cruise in a kids' clothing score because that's where he buys his clothes.
    • The guys try to hang Joe over a horse. It doesn't work.
      • At the end, we see the horse wearing a pair of pants. Guess who notices.
    Adam West: Excuse me, young man, are those Bugle Boy jeans?
    • "I read the chart wrong. Apparently, I have something called... 'dislucksia'?"
    • Meg's the only one to show up at her birthday party at a restaurant. She asks for bread while unwrapping her gifts and gets charged for it.
    • After Joe says his father having more fun with Peter than with him "hurts like the Dickens", we cut to Charles Dickens nipple-twisting his publisher.
    • Stewie being the "Does Karate In the Gym Mirror Guy".
    • Joe reveals himself to his (handicapped-hating) dad by taking off Peter's glasses, suprising Dad and Peter.
    • Lois and the kids trying to get Joe into their car, and not succeeding.
    Lois: He's not fitting. Put some of him in the back like skis.
  • "Guy Robot":
    • "Well, that's enough HBO we can see before they air something homosexual."
    • Lois' Facebook page has no likes to any of her posts, she likes one of her posts just to get it started.
    • A drunk Peter admits they stole a lot of things from The Simpsons.
    • During open mic night at the comedy club, Carl (H. Jon Benjamin) does an impression of Bob Belcher, Archer, and both Bob and Archer meeting.
    • A man gets a jetski license by saying we has been in a fistfight.
    • Stewie as Vin Diesel's acting coach.
    • At a mattress store, Lois buys a mattress on Amazon, which gets delivered by drone.
    Lois: Quick, Peter, we gotta get to the house before the drone!
    Peter: Regular stores suck!
    • Stewie's robot Lyle apparently played "Gloria" by Laura Branigan during the first commercial break.
      • Followed by a robot Lyle made, Ted R., playing Ricky Martin to start the second commercial break.
    • Peter smashes the living room because he wants to watch Laverne and Shirley.
    • A newspaper headline reads "Six Flags Run By Kids In Trench Coats".
    • The cutaway of Peter finding a kidnapped Meg... just to ask for his grocery club card.
    • Peter is admitted into an 1950s insane asylum because he's with a negro (Cleveland) and a cripple (Joe). Cleveland is admitted for standing up to the doctor and Joe is euthanized. Quagmire asks the doctor if they have any braindead female patients they let people have sex with for a few bucks. They do.
    • "Yeah, I want to do you where the porn lunch was."
    • How Stewie's robots and friends are killed: Brian sprayed them with a garden hose.
    • At the end, we see, out on the curb, the robots (all about the same size as Stewie) on top of Lois and Peter's old mattress.
    Herbert: (looking at it) How is this not a trap?
  • "Peternormal Activity":
    • The episode starts with the boys at a theater showing Maniac Pope 2: Thou Shalt Not Live, a horror movie where the Pope is a serial killer.
    • After Stewie mentions "people who take dumps in the shower", we cut to Meg in the shower, who denies anything they say about her.
    • "Remember that movie The Blob? What if the blob?"
    • The alternate ending to An Affair to Remember where the female lead calls the male lead to say what happened.
    • One joke was apparently submitted by a nine year old boy.
    Announcer: And we'll pass along your gross request to Mila Kunis.
    • After accidentally killing the caretaker of an abandoned insane asylum, Peter says he should get a Mc Flurry for it.
      • They also bury his car for good measure.
      • At the end, both his hook hand and a car door pop out of the grave.
    • Peter hearing the plot of this episode as a John Mellencamp song used in a truck commercial on the radio.
  • "Peter, Chris, & Brian":
    • The Fat Guy and Fish & Chips cutaway.
    Fish & Chips: (singing) Fat guys think we're a diet food!
    • Peter playing Pai Gow... and what follows after.
    • "Hey, Brian, you wanna go for a ride to behind the Kroger's?"
    • Teenage!Peter plays Conway Twitty on the tape to himself in the future.
    • "He's just rhyming 'Danger Zone' with 'Danger Zone'!"
    • Chris asks the toaster what "success" means.
    Peter: Hey, Chris, let me know when you're done with the computer.
    • Chris tries to shake his head to get a nosebleed.
    • Peter and Chris high-stepping around wearing giant hats.
    • Brian happy to find Chris with his head in the oven, wearing a Spider-Man outfit.
    • Peter's "Walk Like An Egyptian" phase. We see him doing it as he gets teary-eyed making a funeral speech.
    • The foreign movie Peter watches, Le Rocque Trois. It turns out to be Rocky III dubbed in French.
    • Moses says there's an eleventh commandment: He gets to be first in line at the buffet.
    • The end, where the family talks about what happened while Tom Tucker is delivering a story over it.
  • Peter's Sister
    • Stewie promoting Monster Energy drink.
    • "Is she a prim and proper 'ont' or a big, fat, hairy 'ant'?"
    • Peter tries to avoid talking about Karen by having a lawyer represent him.
    • The opening to The Cosby Show (Knowing What We Know Now), which shows Cosby dancing and mugging at the camera while three of the female leads (Phylicia Rashad, Lisa Bonet, and Tempest Bledsoe), along with special guest stars Bonnie Raitt, Bea Arthur, The Noid (Domino's Pizza's mascot in the 1980s and the early 1990s), and the NBC peacock are passed out or sick/dazed from being drugged.
      • Peter's line after seeing the opening: "Huh, I was so blind to the color of his skin that I didn't notice the raping, either."
    • Chris having a bizarrely specific fetish for hispanic women running for city council. He invites a woman like that, Mrs Vargas, to Thanksgiving dinner.
    Chris: Thats a beautiful pants suit Mrs Vargas!
    • After Karen calls Peter "chin nuts", Quagmire finally notices it.
    • "Peter, Bonnie just changed Joe on the table. What are you worried about?"
    • A cab driver won't leave until Peter enters The White House because he said it was his house. He gets a Secret Service agent to play along.
    • "Happy Indenpendence Day, Jack Skullington", a Fourth Of July themed Nightmare Before Christmas parody.
    Jack Skellington: Fat chicks with dark hair get tattoos of me!
    • The montage of Peter bullying Meg set to "Celebrate" by Kool And The Gang.
    • In order to train as a wrestler, Cleveland decides to start Peter off on a painkiller addiction using pills from his stepdaughter Roberta's purse. This ends with the entire gang hooked on painkillers, and Peter saying he would "crime" for more.
    • The Chico's Monkey Farm commercial.
    • Out of nowhere, "Buttscratcher? Buttscratcher!" makes a surprise cameo.
    • All the female wrestlers having gross pun names based on feminine bodily functions.
    Wrestling Announcer: This is one for the history books, if anyone kept track of this nonsense! (This gets extra funny if you're a wrestling fan and know that, yes, people do keep track of it. In a lot of detail at that)
  • Hot Pocket-Dial
    • The episode begins with a steakhouse waiter saying he's giving cocktails to Peter, Lois, and the kids.
    • Pheasant ON THE Glass.
    Peter: I defy anyone who tells me what's wrong with this.
    • After Peter decides to have a toothpick in his mouth all the time, he decides to go to a fish market counter because it makes him intimidating.
    • Chris thinks sewer workers are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
    • Meg ruins broccoli for Peter by saying they don't look like trees.
    • "Yeah, what? What? Which doggie in the window?"
    • Peter says if you keep listening to Quagmire's pocket-dial, you can hear a busboy get fired.
    • Cleveland points out clouds that look like members of Boyz II Men.
    • Stewie's trip to Tampa Bay: He gets called out for wearing sleeves.
    Man: Hey city boy, whats with the arm pants?!
    • The cutaway of Peter shaming Quagmire, which turns into Peter singing "Chain of Fools".
    • When Quagmire decides to leave Quahog, Joe asks if he can say now "jiggety".
    • "The guy you think did it? He did it. Now go to bed. Your grandkids are coming tomorrow."
    • The Little Mermaid eating Joe's legs.
    • The show ends on a low note: Joe telling the gang that an egg dish he said he had was All Just a Dream.
  • Brokeback Swanson
    • The cutaway of Stewie after eating an artichoke.
    Stewie: *while staring at the huge mess of vegetable nonsense on his plate* Good lord, I ate nothing and somehow I'm soaking wet!
    Biden: Yes, you shot the guy we said was Bin Laden.
    • "Ladies, gentlemen, and alternative high school graduates, get ready to run for your lives!"
    • After Joe gets paralyzed from the neck down, Peter's phone goes off. Ironically, his ring tone is "Walk Like A Man" by the Four Seasons.
    • Dr. Hartman thinks the Swansons and the gang are here because it's his birthday. After he leaves and goes into the next room, turns out the rest of the hospital staff IS throwing him a surprise party.
    Dr. Hartman: Hey, don't in that room in the back, it's super sad.
    • Daft Punk getting a Grammy, by mail, for the demo button from a Casio keyboard.
    Mailman: Great song, Daft Punk! Here's a grammy!
    Thomas Bangaltar: *in heavy french accent* Until we spoke just now, I had no idea we were french.
    • Peter stuffs the remote control, a can of chili, the can opener, and a magazine in Joe's mouth.
    • Cleveland solving a word puzzle and describing a picture of the Wayans her read in Jet to Joe.
    Joe: I'm honestly just glad you have stuff you like.
    • The thesaurusasaurus, a dinosaur who gives synonyms for everything he's doing.
    • Peter at Hogwarts.
    Sorting Hat: Housing for registered sex offenders.
    Peter: Awww...
  • A Shot In The Dark
    • Joe in a small talk class.
    Teacher: Thats good Joe. You could also have responded to Jenny who told you her son died.
    • Lois said Peter once looked like a young Gene Hackman.
    Stewie: That...thats not even good.
    • Peter thinks the now-elderly Henry Winkler aka The Fonz is doing his famous "w-w-w-wrong" line from Happy Days, while he's actually having a stroke.
    • The cutaway of a customer at an office supply store hitting the "easy" button, causing the clerk to wet, or possibly orgasm, himself.
    Customer: W-what did I just do?
    Clerk: Dont worry about it.
    • On neighborhood watch, the gang beats up Cyrano de Bergerac, while Romeo repeats everything he says while he is being beaten.
    • Serious George.
    • "Step away from that table! Brain fart. Window."
    • Dr. Hartman wrote down the name "brown family" to remember what the Brown family looks like.
    • Peter drives his car off a cliff when the speed sign says his speed is "FAT". After the car explodes and burns, the sign changes to "LOL J/K"
    • "You mean that's not really Quahog? It's just a big picture?"
    • Gay Aborigines.
    • Lois calling out Peter for his endless parade of stupid ideas that he insists on telling her about, and beating him up with a newspaper. Meanwhile, Meg and Chris are watching from the stairs, and start tearing their hair out as a means of asserting some kind of control over their home life.
    Chris: I'm in charge of my hair, this much I know!
    • Chris tells Peter he's going to send him a cake with a file in it while Peter is in jail. Cut to Peter discovering that the "file" Chris sent was the manuals for their kitchen appliances. Peter decides to use his time in jail to learn how to reset the clock on the coffee maker, only for a cutaway to show that he never did.
    • Carter reading his JAG fan fiction at an NCIS convention.
    • The poster for the Entourage movie is submitted as evidence at Peter's trial.
    • Two of Joe's co-workers wonder if he knows their names, since he just refers to them as "other cops".
    • "Wanna make the media go away? Just mention black-on-black crime."
    • Cleveland Junior telling Peter he's going to come for him for revenge one day.
  • Candy Quahog Marshmallow
    • Peter's late night party line commercial.
    Peter: I'll be on the toilet wearing a t-shirt so long you have to hold it to wipe.
    Movie Producer: Now that WW2 is over, we can get back to making comedies again! Hans, get me these comedy writers! *hands his assistant a list*
    Hans: Uh, yeah, about that, I dont think any of these guys are availible.
    Producer: What?! Get me my agent!
    Hans: Yeah, he probably isnt going to answer either.
    Producer: This is outrageous! I demand to know what happene- Ohhhhh, I remember what happened...
    • To avoid Angela firing him, Peter tells Lois to hold the phone up to any episode of Who's the Boss?.
    • Peter gets Korean plastic surgery.
    Peter: *with tiny nose and large anime-esque eyes* I feel good. I feel like I want to giggle behind my hand at a lot of things and hold but not eat a big ice cream cone.
    • Quagmires old co-star Sun-Ji tracks him down via the phone app "Find American Johnny". Cut to its inventor sitting in a pile of money.
    Inventor: I already rich from that! Dance for me, Hillary Duff! *cue Hillary Duff dancing in a cage*
    Announcer: Here is a commercial that Ashton Kutcher thought no one in America would ever see.
    • Throughout the episode, Cleveland gets text messages about Donna's mother dying.
    Cleveland: Odd choice to have an open casket for a gunshot suicide.
    • "Confusing dance break!"
    • The ending of the subplot where Stewie learns he's a redhead: Just kidding, it doesn't show up at all. The DIRECTV listings threw that in for some reason.
    • At the end, a tan Mayor Adam West, Mort, and Dr. Hartman say they went to Lake Havasu to the gang and taunt them because they got laid.
    • The j-pop song Peter and the others put on at the end to convince Quagmire to return to America.
    Peter: *singing* Everything in this land is complete nonsense! Even worse, Kim-Jong Il lives across that fence!
    • Quagmire meeting Sin-Ju's great grandmother, who is so old, she is transparent.
    Quagmire: Oh my god, I can see through her!! Is she a ghost?!
    Sin-Ju: We don't know. She won't answer.
    • Quagmire talking about what he likes about being back home in the U.S.
    Quagmire: Here, I can get drunk whenever I want and close myself off from the world in my house.
    Peter: Awww, that's nice, and not at all symptoms of clinical depression.
  • The Peanut Butter Kid
    Peter: Wow, that was amazing I think.
    • After Lois says Chris is too stupid to go to college, Chris cheers.
    Stewie: No, Chris, not yay.
    • Peter's "I'm Gonna Barf At The White House" blog.
    • Peter accidently desecrating a military graveyard and stealing all the purple heart medals the soldiers were buried with.
    Peter: They were all buried on this big lawn in these bony cages.
    Brian: Hey guys, there's like four jeeps driving up to the house.
    • Peter finds another metal detector with his metal detector. He decides to see what happens if he touches both of them and gets sent into a void.
    Mayor Adam West: Did you also call into a talk show without turning down your radio first?
    • The crew in charge of the auditions turns down Jake Tucker in a nice way (mainly because his face is upside-down).
    • Lois apologizes for Stewie's peanut butter commercial debuting during 2 Broke Girls.
    • "Bill... bill... bill... weird magazine about our town that's just ads..."
    • The cutaway of a sunny-side-up egg happily greeting the morning, only to discover he's being made at a Denny's at midnight, and is going to be served to a drug addict.
    Egg: No! He'scjust gonna eat the toast and put a cigarette out on me!
    Godzilla: Oh my God! (slinks back into the ocean)
    • Peter giving Stewie a mix of 5-Hour Energy, espresso and cocaine to give him energy for his auditions.
    • Stewie deciding that he's going to be really into drugs and dancing as a teenager, only to burn out by 18 and become a bodybuilding born-again Christian.
    Stewie: I'll just be a 180 degree different kind of insufferable!
    • When Brian points out that being an actor might not be the best thing for Stewie, Peter points out that Brian's estranged son (Dylan from "The Former Life of Brian" and "Brian's a Bad Father") is a teen actor. Brian immediately snaps to Peter about how his adoptive father hated him and then died.
    Chris: Wow, bringing a gun to a knife fight!
    • When Stewie gets his first acting job, Peter takes Chris into a store to tell him he's no longer the favorite son. Chris breaks down crying, then smashes Peters head through the store window.
    Peter: *bloodied and beaten* I didnt even tell him yet. He just does not like to be touched.
  • Scammed Yankees
    • The NBA on TNT on LSD.
    • Last time Carter was left home alone, he did a parody of "Virtual Insanity" by Jamaroquai.
    • Brian overhears Meg playing Twister with her friends. Calls include "left cankle blue".
    • Ants at a picnic. To be more specific, two giant ants having a regular picnic and behaving obnoxiously, playing loud music, and grilling, bothering a nearby human couple.
    • "You have postcards from France?"
    • Brian says it would be easy to bring a gun into the high school.
    • Kevin James Got Too Fat To Be In Movies.
    Woman: Kevin James, why did you have to come back to television?
    Kevin: I ate Adam Sandler.
    • Stewie thinks the line for a gay club is the line for the Apple Store.
    • "Well, hop on board the Panda Express... in bed. Like the fortune cookie."
    • An African version of Herbert, disguised as a mosquito.
    • Tom Tucker says the top story is "sinking newscaster" before he appears to sink.
    Tom: Just kidding, it's the chair.
    • Lois calls Uber while in Africa, and gets a rhino with the uber logo on its side. Shortly after, an elephant with a pink moustache shows up.
    • Lois exasparated reaction to finding out that Peter is being held prisoner in Africa by Carter.
    Lois: Oh for gods sake...
    • On the plane to Africa, the in-flight dinner is delivered in UN Food Relief parcels, complete with tiny parachutes
    • After Carter apologizes to Peter for the imprisonment, Peter says its okay, because he's contracted a dangerously high fever and wont remember any of this anyway.
    • Joe apparently has a side business as a party clown.
    • After Brian fails to score with Megs hot friend, two stars talk about it and one mentions that its what he (the star) wished for, only he had made the wish 32.000 years ago. Neil deGrasse Tyson then shows up to talk about space.
    • The cutaway about ballpark concession food.
    Peter: Yes, I'll have one terrible beer thats filled up way too high so half of it will spill out, and one too long hot dog in a too short bun, and do you have mustard relish?
    Cook: Yeah, its there between the entrance and the exits to the bathrooms
    Peter: Great. And I'll also have one bag of unsalted peanuts. You know, something I'd never eat anywhere else in the world.
    Cook: Here you go.
    Peter: Great, I cant wait to have diarrea in the bathroom stall with no door while 20 guys wait for me to finish.
  • An App A Day
    • Peter farts into Cleveland's Shazam app. It says it's Lana Del Rey.
    • Stewie reading the closed captioning on Live With Kelly And Michael while on the treadmill.
    • "Peter, could you keep it down? I'm looking at lamps I'll never buy."
    • Meg pretending she's married to a cardboard cutout of Dog The Bounty Hunter.
    • After Chris sends a picture of his junk, he says "It worked well for..." Cut to a list of celebrities caught in inappropriate photo scandals scrolling by as "Yakkety Sax" plays.
    • Neil Goldman telling Chris that sending a picture of his genitals to a girl he likes is okay, because anyone sending their kids to public school is basically asking for this.
    • Lois talking about how sensitive people have gotten about nudity and sexually active teens, and how in her day, "boys would just whip it out on the bus".
    • Peter tries to make a Batman exit from Chris's principals office, but everyone else catches him as he tries to sneak out the window.
    • "Coming up next, teleprompter gut puts the period in a weird. Place."
    • Quagmire, who's leading sex offender rehab at the Quahog Community Center, shows Chris a list of fake hobbies.
    Chris: I could take a whack at hand-distressing furniture.
    Quagmire: We don't say "whack" here.
    • This gem:
    Quagmire: All of you are sex offenders, and statistically, you will all be here again, because this has never worked in the history of doing this. Now, today we have a new member (giggity), Chris G.
    • At the sex offenders group, we get this exchange.
    Quagmire: Alright, first of all, whoever has a windowless van painted like an ice cream truck, your lights are on.
    *Over half the group leaves*
    Peter: Hey Chris wait till you see the funny thing I had them put on your cake.
    Chris: Happy 6th Birthday Timmy?
    Peter: Uh-oh, they must've mixed 'em up. *Meanwhile at Timmy's birthday party...*
    Timmy: Nice crank you dirty little bastard? *Enter Peter with the other cake*
    Peter: Sorry, I'll take that. Here's your cake, I ate a great deal of it.
    • Quagmire tells Chris not to ring his doorbell. Chris does it anyway and Quagmire's cat freaks out and runs away.
    • Peter signing up for an app named Grindr. Not the app used for anonymous homosexual hookups, but another one with the same name for people who enjoy sandwiches. Which is still played as anonymous gay sex.
    • "Wow, we rolled three gutter balls on these kids, huh?"
    • Stewie says he knows where he's going to place his tennis trophy. Cut to two doctors looking at an X-ray of Stewie with a trophy up his butt.
    First Doctor: So the baby died?
    Second Doctor: Yeah, the baby died. But look, first place!
    • A self-checkout tells Chris to asphyxiate himself, and then brags to the next self-checkout.
    Checkout: See, I told you I could get him to do it.
    • After Chris has himself chemically castrated to get everyone to stop treating him like a pervert and starts acting like an effeminate, soft-spoken weirdo, Peter refers to him as "that thing".
    • Chris getting all manner of obscure hobbies once he's no longer occupied with his sex drive.
    Chris: Well, I'm off to the wind-chimes store!
    Peter: There cannot be a whole store just for that!
    • Stewie's over-the-top anger over the referee calling an out for a perceived long shot, which gets him and Brian disqualified. He continues to trash talk the guard removing him from the tennis club until the guard states he believes Stewie's ball was in, whereupon Stewie 180's to a cheerful mood.
    • After the drugs wear off, Chris is caught masturbating in the school library by the elderly librarian. We find out later that she died of shock.
    Meg: She worked in that library for 54 years.
    Peter: Well atleast she got to see a little wang before she died.
    • The episode ends with everyone confused on this week's lesson. It's either "chemical castration is not for everyone" or "don't get angry on a tennis court".
  • Underage Peter
    • Joe talking about "Jimmy Crack Corn" and why the songwriter wrote it if he said he didn't care.
    Quagmire: Are you on vacation, Joe?
    Joe: Yeah.
    • The infomerical for The Yanket, a slanket with fake arms so you can secretly masturbate anywhere you want. It reappears in the ending where Chris is now wearing one.
    Stewie: I threw that over him. He was just doing it out in the open before.
    • Cleveland putting hot sauce on his fries and talking about why african americans love hot sauce so much.
    Cleveland: We get pepper sprayed by age 2, so we cant taste anything without that burn on it.
    • When Peter drinks the shot of hot sauce, the camera zooms into his eyes, and we see clips of a volcano erupting, the surface of the sun, and a dancer girl from Rio's Carnival.
    Peter: That last one was more caliente than hot, but still, holy crap!
    • Joe offers Peter $10 for a vertebra. Afterwards, Peter offers Joe $10 to swap chins.
    • Peter accepting a dare to open a fire hydrant and drink as much water as possible.
    Cleveland: I think this is how Anna Nicole Smith died.
    • Peter drowning a copy of White Fang for ruining his 8th grade summer. When the book attacks him, Joe shoots it, saying the book ruined his summer, too.
    • "Coming up, local high school teacher sleeps with her students. Is she hot? Stay tuned."
    • When Peter is angry over the alcohol ban, he asks Lois what the hell non-drinkers do with their time, and she suggest knitting.
    Peter: KNITTING?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! ...maybe. *cut to the whole family wearing knit sweaters and hats*
    Peter: Okay, so it turns out I'm super into knitting.
    • During the news segment on the alcohol ban, Mort Goldman says that they should probably trust the lawmakers, and that his pharmacy is fully stocked with cough syrup which goes great with ginger ale.
    • Without alcohol, mentally challenged Opie is acting and talking normally, meaning that during all of his antics, he was just drunk.
    • You think Adam West is a crazy mayor? Jay Leno is the mayor of a neighboring town, and he's passed a law that makes it illegal to sell alcohol to anyone who's not entirerly clad in denim.
    Peter: Rhode Island is a mess from top to bottom.
    Agent: We're here for someone using a 24 kb modem to almost start World War III.
    • Peter using dead birds to point to things.
    • "I've got another game we can play: Boggle!"
    • Peter never lies, except for that one time at a restaurant when a man had a heart attack and his wife asked if anyone was a doctor.
    Peter: I have a 13-inch penis! *applause from everyone else in the restaurant*
    • Thomas Edison running around stealing credit for inventing the lightbulb and the phonograph.
    Jingle: Look it up, Edison was a dick!
    • Peter eating a croquet ball, thinking it's a tomato.
    Mayor West: That's a croquet ball.
    Peter: *mouth full of blood and shattered teeth* Ah. Then, could you direct me to the nearest bed time-open dentist?
  • A Lot Going On Upstairs
    • The show begins with Stewie having nightmares:
      • First, he dreams he's naked at pre-school while showing his mother's driver's license.
      • Then he dreams he's at a dinner party with Glenn Close and doesn't recognize the Fatal Attraction reference. He Lampshades how weird it is that he doesnt recognize a joke in his own dream.
      • Finally, he dreams he forgets his part in the opening (which doubles as this episode's opening) and is forced on the bench with other lesser-used characters such as the Sleazy Salesman, the Vaudeville Performers, and the Old-Timey Strongmen.
    Stewie: Wait, how did Joe get halfway up those stairs?
    • Sham-Peter, Peter as a giant whale, being made to entertain people at a water park.
    Handler: He's a little shy, but here he is, Sham-Peter!
    Peter: *jumps out of the water* I'm not shy, I'm angry! *dives into the water; comes out again* I'm in constant pain! *dives into the water; comes out again* This act has been condemned by 38 different nations!
    • Peter goes down to the living room, and finds the coach missing, only to remember that its at Couchella, a music festival for sofas.
    Couch: I just had sex with a girl on her period!
    Other Couch: Dude, that's not a brag!
    • The punchline to the cutaway of Stewie taking the night shift at a supermarket: the customer explains it to a guy in bondage gear chained to a wall.
    • Peter stole a "Caution: Children At Play" road sign. In the background, we hear children getting run over. Later on, Stewie mentions that he found a bicycle bell at the crossing where the kids got run down.
    • Brian being addicted to eating erasers on pencils.
    • The boys having a pillow fight with the pink fiberglass insulation in the attic.
    • The guys putting Joe in Stewies old baby chair, and telling him its a paratroopers harness.
    • After Lois gets sick of Peter and his friends making a ton of noise in the attic she locks them in there by nailing the door shut. Peter eventually resorts to threatening to pooping on her wedding dress if she doesnt let them out. By the time she gets the door open, its too late, and Quagmire says he's going to need a few weeks away from all of them.
    • To help Stewie out, Brian brings out Chris as Frankenstein, followed by Meg as Chris, followed by Mayor Adam West as Meg, who both keep saying "a roodily toot toot". Then Stewie notices a line of characters in the window, each dressed as the character in front of themselves!
    Stewie: Do they all say "a roodily toot toot?"
    Brian: A lot of them, yea.
    • "Elmo speak bad English on educational show!"
    • Brian in Stewie's subconcious. To say It Makes Sense in Context is an understatement.
    • For some reason, Meg's listening to survival tips during the second half of this episode.
  • The Heartbreak Dog
    • A video of the Swansons' honeymoon and 10th wedding anniversary. It's basically the same footage, but the only difference is Joe's handicapping.
    • Stewie tries to text Rupert on a toy cell phone.
    Stewie: Hey, I want real things!
    • Scumbag Spock.
    • "Before I start, are these the healthy kids or more of the 'dur dur' ones?" "It's a healthy mix".
    • A cutaway about Brian finding out Peters dark double life - he's a cyclist, complete with spandex, helmet and stupid little sideway mirror.
    Peter: I'm sorry Brian, I didnt want you to find out this way... I'm one of these people now.
    • When playing charades, Peter acts like a gay man while Joe guesses Hugh Grant movies. Joe ends up guessing the correct answer, Notting Hill.
    • Porn movies before sound. Like regular silent films, there's a pianist provividing the soundtrack live, except he's clearly masturbating at the same time.
    • "Shut up, I'm trying to hum atonally!"
    • Meg texts a picture of a brooch she stole to Mayor Adam West.
    Mayor Adam West's Mom: Adam, are you done with that mayor homework yet?
    Adam: It's called a bill, mom.
    • Joe uploaded a video of Brian freaking out after Joe drugged him and put boots on him. Peter uploaded a video of Joe watching it.
    • Peter, Lois, Quagmire and Cleveland tries to tell Joe to stop tormenting Brian after he kissed Bonnie, but they keep getting sidetracked over what a shitty person Brian is.
    • Quagmire finally tells Bonnie she's a slut, then decides to hit on her.
    • Peter says they're zero for two on interventions. Seamus then throws a bottle of alcohol through the window, saying he won't stop drinking.
    • Bonnie watching Joe do a crossword puzzle.
    • Chris has been dumping pipe ashes into an urn containing someone else's ashes.
    • The dad from Small Wonder deciding not to rape Vicki after shutting her down.
    • A couple who meet on Craigslist.
    Man: Ohh, I wonder which one of us is the murderer!
    • Joe says Brian has a chip in his ear, which makes Brian realize that's how Peter got good at hide and seek.
    Peter: *sitting in a lawn chair next to a cooler full of beer, looking at his phone* You're under the canoe in Quagmires backyard!
    Brian: *offscreen* Damnit!
    • Since they're running low on time, Peter makes Meg, Chris, and Brian race against each other to explain what happened to them.
    Peter: And the winner is... Nobody. (to the camera) Especially not you. Good night.
  • Take A Letter
    • Lois holds up a carton of dog milk they're serving at Stewie's preschool.
    Brian: Alright, dilk! (grabs the carton, then drinks it)
    • Cleveland finally has a job again as a mail worker. He jokes "What can Brown do for you?", then apologizes for joking about their competitor.
    Cleveland: It's grounds for dismissal if anyone ever got fired here, but they dont.
    • Cleveland getting into an argument with an Amazon drone while delivering mail.
    Drone: By foot?! Anyway, I gotta deliver these fat pants to your fat son! *flies off*
    Cleveland: He was harsh but not untruthful. We have to special order Juniors pants from a company that makes grill covers.
    • Flat Stanley as played by Stanley Tucci.
    Tucci: Sometimes I wear glasses, and sometimes I dont.
    • Five Judd Hirschs fitting into a giant sweater.
    Judd Hirsh: Ah, I cant wait to spill soup on this!
    • "Anyhoo, grab that letter opener. I'll show you why you should never mail cash."
    • Apparently, Herbert's still the president of the Jonathan Taylor Thomas fan club.
    • Carter calls a time-out during an "Eyes Wide Shut" party because he can't find his wiener in his mask.
    • A high school boy with a drivers' license being seducted into buying groceries for girls.
    Stewie: Hey, it's Stewie. All I know about cars is what my mom does.
    Peter: *to his ex who actually is blackmailing him* And I dont know what to call the thing you're doing to me!
    Peter: *having been tricked into the Peter Catchers cage truck* I'm going to get so molested...
    • Peter leaves a Ray La Montagne concert because he doesn't have a beard.
    • Stewie says there's a girl in another room "pulling a train". Cut to a preschool girl pulling a toy train on a rope.
    • "Oh no, I chicka-chickaed too early!"
    • Peter asks Meg about a text he got, then after Meg says Peter's ex-girlfriend wants to kill Lois, he runs off screaming.
    • The episode ends with Stewie saying he's going to become a YouTube star, listing off several others, then notices the Fox logo bug is still on screen and says "This, this is over."

    Deleted Scenes