From "Back to the Woods", when Brian, who is tied up to the pole because James Woods, who has recently stolen Peter's identity (and everything he has), does not like the fact that Brian is snooping around:
Brian (tugging on rope): This is humiliating. I went to Brown, for God's sa—
(spots squirrel running past, starts chasing and barking at it wildly until the rope snags him backward)
Brian (confused): What the hell? The rope was longer, now it's shorter! What kind of black magic is this?
From "12 and a Half Angry Men", when Quagmire harps on Brian, thinking that he knows how the judicial system works, when he can't even understand his relationship with the mailman.
(zoomed out shot showing Brian coming out of the garage on all fours and chasing the mailman away)
Brian: You better not fucking show your face here again!! But come back tomorrow, b-because I get really sad when you're not here on Sundays.
In "New Kidney in Town", Peter complains that he didn't get any sleep because Brian and the neighbor dogs kept him up all night.
Brian: (calling out from outside the window) Hello? Hello!
Brian: Hey! Hey, are you a dog?
Dog: Yeah, I am!
Brian: I am also a dog!
Dog: Yeah, we're both dogs!
From "Quagmire's Quagmire" we have Brian's reaction to firetrucks
Brian: Oh my god! (runs from one side of the couch to the other) Ooowwwooooowwwwooooooo! I'm matching the sound! Awwwwooooouuuuwwoooo!! (runs back and forth frantically) Is what I'm doing helping?!
Adam West wanted all graves covered with concrete because he's afraid of zombies. "You'll thank me when no one eats our brains. You'll thank me." He later runs away screaming "zombie" after Quagmire comes out of his grave.
Adam West's disastrous press conference in "Twelve and a Half Angry Men."
Child writing for elementary school newspaper: Mayor West, are you afraid of the dark?
West: I thought I'd made it clear to you that asking me about the dark was off limits! This press conference is OVER!
The Running Gag, seen where Peter's latest contraption gashes a hole in Cleveland's house, making Cleveland, in his bathtub, come crashing to the ground.
The "sounds of the rain forest" cutaway (where Peter buys a "Sounds of the Rainforest" CD to help him sleep, only it also includes sounds of loggers cutting down the trees and talking about how Sting — who advocates rainforest preservation — sucks) certainly qualifies.
Not to mention the "Sounds of the Studio Audience" commercial.
And now here's Ollie Williams, with the BlaccuWeather forecast. Ollie?
Ollie: IT'S GON' RAIN!
Also, Ollie's bit in the one with the hurricane:
Ollie: IT'S RAININ' SIDEWAYS! Tom: Do you have an umbrella, Ollie? Ollie: HAD ONE! Tom: Where is it? Ollie: INSIDE OUT, TWO MILES AWAY! Tom" Well, can we get you anything? Ollie: BRING ME SOME SOUP! Tom: What Kind? Ollie: CHUNKY!
EGGO! That is all.
I'M AT THE WRONG AIRPORT!
WHO WANTS THIS DOG!?
When Quahog is in the grip of a massive heatwave:
Tom: How are you beating the heat, Ollie? Ollie: (swings by on a tire swing) SWIMMIN' HOLE!
Tom: How does the weather look, Ollie? Ollie:(calmly) Not too bad. Tom: Right on.
HE GON' GET IT!
In the movie:
Tom: I can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home. Ollie: (from offscreen) DID YOU CHECK YOUR TCP/IP SETTINGS?! Tom: Yes I did, Ollie. Ollie: ENABLE COOKIES?! Tom: Yes, Ollie. Ollie: D'YOU WANT THIS DOG?! Tom: No thank you, Ollie.
Seth curses as Peter (keep in mind, this is before strong language was commonplace in the show, so at the time, it was hilarious hearing Peter say the F word)
Peter: Lois, get the fuck off my back. I swear, one of these days, I'm gonna backhand ya! Jesus Christ.
In the commentary for "Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story", during the Ferris Bueller's Day Off parody, Seth mentions how he always found it annoying that Ferris was falling from his jump in slow motion while everyone else was regular speed. It's funny 'cause it's true.
In the later seasons, we have the repeated Take That 's aimed at Florida, such as Peter mistaking The University Of Florida for a Downs Syndrome summer camp, the state being fingered as a haven for sex offenders, and a taunt song performed in duet by Peter and Quagmire.
The very fact that quite a few entries are on both the Nightmare Fuel page and this one, really says a lot about the show.
From the episode where Quahog's TV is knocked out: Tom and Diane saying politically incorrect things now that the news isn't broadcast in Quahog (before the director tells them that they're still on the air in Boston).
(Brian is driving in his car, when suddenly a man walks in the road and is hit - Brian steps out of the car to look at the man) Brian: Oh my God! Are you Stephen King? Man: No, I'm Dean Koontz. Brian: (uninterested) Oh. (Brians walks back to his car, runs over Koontz once more...then backs up and runs him over twice for good measure.)
The time Stewie ends up with a white family who has adopted multicultural kids, while he's jonesing for pancakes.
Stewie: Flappy, guess what? I've decided not to kill you!
In "Death is a Bitch", when Death asks what the world would be like if Hitler were still alive. We get a hilarious cutaway gag to Hitler with his own talkshow, ending in addressing the audience that, if they would like tickets to the show, they should call "213-DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!". Doubly hilarious for those that speak German and realize that, roughly translated, it means "You will need a nurse!"
Peter's version of The King and I. "I now declare Siam, The United States of America!" (And then everybody sings a song ending with a gratuitous line about Paul Lynde being gay.)
"A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything! It could even be a boat!"
From "If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'":
Peter:"Well, until you put Gumbel 2 Gumbel back on the air, I'm going to go on a hunger strike. How about that, huh? Want that on your conscience?" (brief pause) Peter:"You gonna eat that stapler?" Executive:"You can't eat a stapler..." Peter:"Wanna split it?"
Peter's and Chris's "Make a Wish" scam gets out of hand:
Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once. Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't...nothing? Peter: Oh yeah.
When it's mentioned that Peter once turned the house into a puppet, prompting the viewer to wonder what the hell that could possibly mean...then they cut to it and it's exactly what it sounds like.
"Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry!"
Englishman: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth? Jeremy: Why yes, I daresay that's the fellow. Englishman: Oh, let's get him. They drive up Englishman: Oh Reginald... (Reginald perks up) Englishman: I DISAGREE! (car peels off)
Most of the jokes in the earlier episode, "He's Too Sexy for His Fat".
When fleas infest their household:
Peter Griffin: There's only one thing to do—learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, and breed with their women. And in time our differences will be forgotten. Lois:CALL THE DAMN EXTERMINATOR!!!
After Peter gets surgery to make himself more attractive -
Lois: "Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?" Peter: "Maybe I will! Then I'll put it on my feet and skate around on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!" Lois: "That doesn't make any sense!" Peter: "It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!"
After Peter's introduces his new thin body to the family - Stewie: "My god, it's finally happened! He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself, like a neutron star!"
Little Girl: "But mister, I need real money. I can't take a credit card." Peter: "Oh, cash only, huh, huh? No paper trail, huh? What are you selling? Reefer? Crack? Smack? Horse? X? Shrooms? Dust? Meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so!" (Peter smashes the lemonade stand).
"Well if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in!''
Brian's reactions to Peter coming into the home after getting extensive plastic surgery: "Hey buddy, you can't just come in here holy crap it's Peter." Made even better by Brian's unchanging tone or facial expression.
Stewie trying to buy instruments of carnage at the hardware store using a mind-controlled Chris. Seth Green affecting a Chris-ified version of Stewie's plummy Evil Brit accent while spouting Stewie-esque Ax-Crazythreats is hysterical.
The "Family Guy Cast and Creator" episode of Inside The Actor's Studio reveals that this is Seth Green's favorite Chris scene.
Young Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Museum Guide: Because you touch yourself at night.
"I-I'm not drunk, alright, I just have a speech impediment. * puke* And a stomach virus. *collapse* And an inner ear infection."
Peter: It's like I've died and gone to Heaven, only for them to find out that it wasn't my time, and they sent me back to a brewery.
From "Da Boom", Peter attempting to feed beans to Magnum, P.I. through a tv screen, then scolding Higgins when he turns up on screen. Seth MacFarlane has said that this is is favourite moment of the show.
The one where Peter visits Brian at the rehab and gives a fake name when posing as an addict.
The gag from "Emission Impossible" where Stewie puts on lipstick in order to get it all over Peter's shirt hoping Lois will think he's unfaithful and therefore not try to have another kid with him. Then he sees himself in the mirror...
Stewie: You want it bad, and you don't care how you get it because you have no self-respect and that gets you off! Brian: Wow, the evidence is really piling up. Stewie: Make any joke you want! You KNOW I look good!
Brian: Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hiney h-ohh God, I hate you so much.
How about Peter narrating his own life?
Lois finally snapping in the Christmas episode when Meg says they're out of paper towels. "No...paper...TOWELS??!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Made even funnier after she's raged at the family she then runs outside having completely lost it and Meg finds the paper towels. "Oh, here's the paper towels!"
Also, the "You are here/she is there" sign in the mall.
The scene where Brian tries to put out the fire, and it gets worse.
Cardinal: Pope?...Pope! Is time to get up and put on your hat. Pope: It's a stupid hat! [later] Pope: You make-a the Pope look like a fool! God will make you pay! SMITE THEM! [pause] "He's-a cooking something up."
Brian: You wanna go get some ice cream? (Stewie shakes his head 'no') Brian: You wanna get some McDonald's? (Stewie shakes his head 'no') Brian: You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? (Stewie nods his head 'yes') Brian: Okay, let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
And, in the "Kiss-Stock" subplot, when two members of Kiss walk out, and the other break into "Chatanooga Choo-Choo", surprising the crowd.
His pants split, revealing his underwear which has Captain's Log written on the crotch.
"Oh-fiddler, ontheroof - seems crazy, no? But in our-littletown-of... Anatevka... KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
From "Mr. Griffin Goes To Washington", in the scene where the cigarette company coated the entire house in Teflon, Stewie slides past on his butt, naked. Which is funny enough on it's own, but then he says:
Stewie: I'm nudes on ice!
Bob Dole: Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole...Bob Dole...Bob...Dole... *falls asleep*
Lois: Honey, what do you say we uh...christen these new sheets, huh? Peter: Why Lois Griffin, you naughty girl. Lois: Hehehe...that's me. Peter: You dirty hustler. Lois: Hehehehe... Peter: You filthy, stinky prostitute. Lois: Aha, okay, I get it... Peter: You foul, venereal disease carrying, street walking whore. Lois: Alright, that's enough!
Stewie: (singing) I want to have intercoursewith you. Uh-oh-yeah. Intercourse with you. Brian: (singing) Relations. Stewie: Intercourse with you-oo-oo-whoo! Right? Brian: Yeah, no great, that sounds good. Stewie: All right, groovy, groovy. Now, is there a shorter word for intercourse?
Brian's dare to Stewie at the mall earlier in the episode:
Stewie: (running naked through the mall) Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement!
Peter's failed attempt at escaping from the FCC when they come to tell him that PTV is going off the air. He puts on a jetpack, but instead of flying away, the jetpack makes him fall over and headbutt the wall repeatedly until the jetpack runs out of fuel.
Peter: OK, you caught me.
This part from "Brian Goes Back to College":
Peter: This looks like a job for the A-Team! (slams his gun down and shoots a hole in the ceiling, causing Chris to fall face-first onto the floor) Chris: Hi, Dad! Peter: Go to your room. Chris: Okay! (runs up the stairs and falls through the hole again face first)
Brian meets a girl in college:
Speaker: "Look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistics indicate that both of those men will rape you." -Man on the left: I'm not gonna rape you. -Man on the right: I might.
Any gag involving James Bottomtooth.
Brian trying to cheer up Peter with "It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time", especially when Peter leaves the room and he just keeps at it.
Stewie's reaction to Peter taking him to Disney World.
When Brian is trying to tell Lois her brother is a serial killer she denies it. What makes it funny is the sheer overwhelming evidence (photos of him strangling fat guys, a dead fat guy in his room, a half dead fat guy in his room that says "Patrick tried to kill me.") doesn't convince her, but Brian simply shouting "Lois" does.
Peter: Say, uh, how much for the fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that. Pat: That's you. Peter: Oh, embarrassing...
The fake death for Quagmire that Peter, Joe, and Cleveland set up.
Lois and Peter 'roleplaying':
Lois(dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl): Oh, I need a spankin'. I'm a bad, bad girl! Peter: I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-five holy avenger. Lois: Paladins can't use the helm of disintegration! Peter: Oh. Then I'm a black guy!
Peter challenging Lois to a race around the world.
The Vasectomy Song.
Brian telling Lois about what he watched on TV on the episode "Deep Throats": "I just watched a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I still don't know what a hollaback girl is. All I know is that I want her dead. Hey, can you hand me the remote?" (said remote is right next to him)
Peter and Lois licking Chris like ice cream when they're high.
Chris: (sobbing) Stop!
The uncut version of Lois and Peter lying on top of each other naked on the couch much to Stewie and Brian's discomfort:
Brian: "All we need is one incriminating entry in this datebook and that's our ticket to... (He and Stewie see Lois and Peter lying completely naked on the sofa) Peter: "Hey Brian. What's up? Brian: "Uh, hi, um, Lois...Peter..." Lois: "Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's sooo comfortable!" Peter: "Hey, Lois. Look how short Stewie is. (laughs) He's so short. (continues laughing) Lois: "Oh my God, he is short." (both laugh hysterically) Lois: "Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door! What should I do?" Brian: "What?" Lois: "He's knocking on the back door! Should I let him in? I'm so scared!" Stewie: "Well, um, you two are busy being nude, so, um, we'll just head out and uh...let you be nude."
(Ironically, given that Brian sees Lois naked, he reacts very nervously, considering the fact he has a crush on her) Watch the clip for yourself You'll never watch Family Guy the same way again!)
Brian: "Wow, I can't believe I'm in heaven and drinking with Kurt Cobain, Ernest Hemingway, and Vincent van Gogh! But still, it feels like we all got here a little earlier than we should have." Ernest Hemingway: "Yeah, well, I collapsed under the weight of my own genius and shot myself." Vincent Van Gogh: "I could not reconcile my passion with the way others were living around me, so I shot myself." Kurt Cobain: "I hated the thought of my music becoming part of some bland corporate mechanism, so I shot myself." Brian:(sheepishly) "Yeah, I...I just got into the garbage and ate some chocolate."
Also from the movie, there's Stewie's defacement of Brian's grave (he crosses Brian's name and writes "Douchebag" on it):
Stewie: "Ha!" Stu: "I don't think you should do that..." Stewie: "And why not? I hated that dog." Stu: "It's just that that word has taken on a different meaning since President Douchebag."
Peter: You know what really grinds my gears? You, America! Fuck you! Diane?
From "Eight Simple Rules For Buying My Teenage Daughter" when Meg tells Lois she could be having a life on Saturday night:
Lois: "Meg, if you don't want to babysit anymore, that's fine, but don't you stand there and lie to me."
Peter: "OH-HO Meg, she torched your ass man! She torched your ass!"
From the same episode:
Peter: Hey Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors?
Mort: Peter, are you eating those?
Peter: No, I'm shoving 'em up my butt. Of course I'm eating 'em!
Stewie: (to Jeremy, the babysitter's boyfriend) Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow"! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!
It's a bad joke on Meg but still:
Meg: Please go out with me. I'm just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I'll pay and everything.
Boy: Yeah...uhh...that sounds cool but I'm gonna be in the hospital that night. (shoots himself in the stomach with a nail gun)
In the episode "The Perfect Castaway", Peter says that he used to be a construction worker in New York, but he never got the catcalling right. Cue to Peter working on a construction site with three other guys while an attractive woman walks by:
"Blind Ambition": Blind!Peter accidentally climbing into Chris's and then Stewie's bed because he thinks they're Lois. Stewie's reaction is the best. "WHAT THE DEUCE?!"
Peter: Okay, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like six years, all right. Either have the baby or don't.
Stewie: OK, OK if I make this we're all going to get laid. (He shoots a crumpled paper ball into Brian's cone) Stewie: Haha Yes! Score, Score! Brian: Boy I'd really like to chew on my crotch right now.
From "Petarded": Peter is a tumor.
In "Jungle Love":
Lady Guinevere: Oh, Arthur, if you can remove this sword from it's stone, and prove that you are the true king of England, I will make love to you in this very field.
Arthur: What if I just move it a little? Will you touch me?
Stewie faking an overdose to get Lois' attention in "Stewie Loves Lois".
Brian: You look like a jackass. Stewie: Can't hear you, Brian; I'm dead. Brian: All right. *plugs up the toilet with a towel, then flushes* Stewie: What did you do? *toilet overflows and begins to flood the bathroom* Oh, that is so not cool...
Kermit the racist:
Man: Excuse me, do you know the way to town?
Kermit: Yeah, it's back the way you came. (cocks shotgun)
"So who wants to hear a good story about a bridge?" (everyone facepalms)
Peter's new porn hiding place.
Chester Cheetah, the exemplar of cool:
(Chester's run-down apartment, "Tom Sawyer" by Rush is playing; Chester chops up a pile of Cheetos with a razor blade like it was cocaine...and then snorts a line of it.) Chester: (snort) OHHHHHH THERE IS NO FUCKING DRUMMER BETTER THAN NEAL PEART! (slams his fist into the glass table, shattering it; regards his now glass-strewn handnonchalantly) It ain't easy being cheezy.
The Opal Ring Crusade.
"He's sitting informally like us! Let's hear what he has to say."
WE GOTTA GET THIS WOMAN TO SURGERY TIME, RIGHT STAT NOW!
Joe's "fake legs" (seemingly ripped from an NES game) in said scene.
And Joe's reaction to the finished movie: "Boy, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen." "My ass is actually sore. MY ass is actually sore." (even funnier is that the line was AD-LIBBED by Patrick Warburton!)
When Stewie and Olivia start dating. They spend the day together and leave before dark because the area they're in is dangerous at night. We then see a lion and a robot fight each other.
The WizShout-Out with a large number of black people randomly dancing in the streets after Mayor West sends the entire police department to Colombia to "rescue" an actress that was there fifteen years ago.
From the same episode, of which the A plot is Meg falling in love with Brian whilst his attempts to reject her just don't get through to her. One of the ways he tries to get out of a relationship with her is pretending he's homosexual.
Brian: "I saw this penis on the Internet the other day, and I thought to myself; 'Well that's...that's just fine.'"
Later in the same scene:
Brian: "I have plans with Chris. We're gonna do...uh...what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon."
Brian: "Masturbate, we're gonna masturbate together!note On the censored version, the line is "That's it. That's what we're gonna do together," as the FOX censors only wanted Seth MacFarlane to use "masturbate" once, which is a step up from asking him to either remove the word or use euphemisms.
Chris: "Well, maybe back-to-back, but I gotta tell you, I ain't 100% on this."
The carjacking scene from the episode, "Road to Rupert".
When Stewie says that Brian selling Rupert was more horrible than sex with Sharon Stone. Cut to Sharon with some guy in bed, then her devouring his head like a female praying mantis post-mating.
When the helicopter Brian and Stewie are piloting together crashes down the mountainside, it cuts to the two of them screaming in a back and forth succession between the two. At one point it inexplicably cuts to Stewie dressed as the devil laughing manically with thunder and lightning in the background.
Stewie delving into the tanning lifestyle. He goes into a tanning bed, tasking Brian to wake him up in fifteen minutes. Brian falls asleep on the couch. For six-and-a-half hours. When he wakes Stewie up, he's roughly the same color as his overalls and can't move without inflicting extreme agony upon himself.
The Legion of Doom scene in "It Takes a Village Idiot and I Married One."
Lex Luthor: How did she(Lois) discover our plan? Solomon Grundy: ME SOLOMON GRUNDY kind of dropped the ball on that one.
Peter's cowboy song (both the edited version where Peter says they're having "cowboy gay sex" and the original version, which was "cowboy butt sex")
The Griffins' previous family trip, when they were on the price climbing game on The Price is Right (the one with the yodeling paper doll).
The "Donny Most" chant
The guys talking about their work on Lois's campaign.
Peter: Boy, you guys, I really appreciate all the help you've given us. Expect for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing. Quagmire: What the hell are you talkin' about? Lois is gonna get the entire female vote because of me. I've been having sex with every woman in town nonstop for the past two days. My God, if I tried to masturbate right now, you know what would come out? A little flag with the word "bang" on it.note On the censored version, the line is changed to, "Do you know how many sperms I have left? One. Just one. And he's all alone and scared."
Lois taking Brian out for a car ride.
Brian: (Sees another dog in another car) Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Lois! Hey, hey! Other dog! FUCK YOU!
"And then I realized, it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me... IT WAS GOD!"
In "Meet the Quagmires," after Brian's rendition of "Never Gonna Give You Up", it cuts to a shot of the audience, standing still and gaping. After a few seconds, we hear a random person say, "I didn't like any of that." It's just the way he says it that makes it so funny.
One episode has Peter blowing a raspberry every time Meg's name is mentioned, prompting Chris to then repeat Meg's name over and over again until Lois tells him to stop. At the end of the episode, he does so again, but actually farts on the last mention of Meg. "Uh-oh...Pardon me."
After Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland confess that Dr. Hartman "molested" them (actually giving them a prostate exam), Joe says: "You guys are a bunch of queers." And rolls away. And comes back and says, "AND SO AM I!"
Peter's Oh Crap reaction and how he hides in a tree from Lois after he beats up Kyle in a rage.
"Saving Private Brian": Peter trying to cover the sounds of his farts by coughing at a meeting.
In "Hell Comes To Quahog" Meg says she's going to get a job to pay for a car and Chris tells her he'll pay her a dollar a day to smell his sneakers. His repeated laughing and the family's bored reactions to this are hilarious.
Trisha Takanawa: What kind of cancer? Ten Speed Guy: It's rectal cancer, it's slowly eating away at my lower insides, uh, it's quick process, both painful and un-treatable, and it's a great way to stay in shape.
Brian showing Stewie 2girls1cup.
Herbert reads to Chris a bedtime story, and whistles a Peter and the Wolf tune. After a short pause, Chris finally asks him: "Are you a pedophile?"
The entirety of the episode where Brian has a son.
Specifically, there's something strangely funny when Brian's potential date said that magic is sexy. But the real laughs came when Peter dresses up as Count Dracula with a big groin (Count Crotchula) for Halloween:
Brian: Peter, that costume doesn't make any sense. Peter(defensively): Don't stifle my creativity!
"My Pot! Your Pot?"
"Anna took a dump on me!"
Peter's identity is stolen by James Woods, so Peter steals his and gets revenge by ruining his career. He does so by announcing "his" new comedy, September 11th: Two Thousand FUN.
Peter (posing as James Woods): "I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And whaddya think I see comin'? A plane. And I go, 'Come on!' I-it's real old style comedy, you know? It's like two pies in the face...and one in a field in Pennsylvania."
See 'n Say: The cow says: "Shazoo!" Stewie: It most certainly does not!
Leading to a Brick Joke later, after the time machine.
Brian: Where are we?
Stewie: Looks like we're in Europe.
The part in "Baby Not On Board" with the tropical birds. "My tropical bird collection, just in case." "Just in case WHAT? We're not gonna need a dozen tropical birds." "Oh, I was not aware that you could see the future, Lois. Can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number? Stupid woman."
There's also when Peter and Quagmire call each other from their cars, then they think someone is in front of (or behind) them and do things to each other. So Peter and Quagmire pull over...and start beating each other up!
The ending of "The Man With Two Brians". You can seeNew Brian slowly pressing Stewie's Berserk Button hard enough to break the console. The cut to the aftermath is purely supplementary by the end of it.
Peter (in letter): If you're reading this, you've gotten out. And if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to come a little further. You remember the name of the town, don't you? Cleveland:(Beat)CRAP!!
"See ya later, bitches! With your stupid fuckin' Giant Chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty — Hey, why's there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?"
The sequence where Quagmire discovers internet porn. It was good for a twofer: first, there's the scene in the bar where you realize Quagmire, the pervert extraordinaire, has no idea that porn can be found on the internet. Then the scene later on where Peter sees him again after a long time...and he's got an absolutely massive right arm.
Left arm, actually. Making it cannon, I guess, that Quagmire is left-handed.
Clone!Brian: Hey, Brian! Knock-knock! Brian: Uh, who's there? Clone!Brian: (farts) —-> Basically, ANYTHING that Clone Brian says.
From the same episode, Peter, Joe, and Quagmire go to a strip club to make Quagmire feel better about giving his daughter away. Quagmire leaves and Peter and Joe deal with a teacher stripper ... who really gets into her work.
The London Gentlemen's Club. Basically, imagine three guys just sitting around reading newspapers, communicating entirely in throat-clearing for about a full minute.
Also the fact that it gets progressively louder and then quieter.
In "Big Man on Hippocampus", Stewie's answers, while Lois is playing Fast Money round on Family Feud, especially his fourth answer.
Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in. Lois: A chair. Stewie: My own feces. Dawson: Name a popular fruit. Lois: Orange. Stewie: Clay Aiken. Dawson: Something in your closet. Lois: Shoes. Stewie: Scary monsters. Dawson: Your favorite holiday. Lois: Christmas. Stewie: 9/11. Dawson: Something you do on the weekends. Lois: Go to church. Stewie: Black guys.
"It may interest movie buffs that Peter O'Toole's name is a slang for penis".
"Bull:" Where you going, fatty? We're gonna have a party!
Terri Schiavo! Is kind of alive-oh! Seriously, some may have thought it was going a bit TOO far, but I think that the beginning bit automatically swings this around so many times that it's the funniest moment BY FAR of Season 8 as of now.
I laughed because I was thinking the same exact thing as Chris and Brian started to ponder whether this was too soon or too late.
"April in Quahog" also gets a Running Gag joke. Peter does crystal meth TWICE, and so does Brian at the end.
Peter:I am SO fucking ready! *jumps through Stewie's ceiling*
Stewie: When you jumped through my ceiling you let in an owl. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw up half-digested mice.
From the same episode, Adam West making an angry letter to the black hole before donning a fishbowl helmet and jetpack, flying into space and punching the Orion constellation. It then turns into the Orion Pictures logo.
Adam West: That's right! You're nothing but a failed production company!
Peter thinks the world is ending, so he decides to go to a black neighborhood and shout out the N-word. The next scene has Lois in the kitchen when Peter walks up with crown, ermine cape, scepter, and a sash reading "King of the Black People".
Dack: Feeling okay, sir? Luke (Chris): Just like new. How about you, Dack? Dack: I feel like I could take on the whole empire myself. Luke (Chris): Really? 'Cause that would be awesome. Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got this one! Dack: You know it, bitches! [flies off to face the incoming fleet of Star Destroyers] Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack! [gets shot down afterwards]
From the beginning of that episode, the Star Wars-esque intro credits referencing 20th Century Fox's money-making decisions:
Are you listening, stockholders? How can you invest in a company that makes such short-sighted decisions? I mean, this is the same company that cancelled "Family Guy" twice. Who's running that joint? Monkeys? I mean, if they're gonna be that foolish with their money, then I guess that means we can be foolish with their money, too. Like spending a bunch of it to animate a computer-generated elephant that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode. (cue appearance of CGI elephant) Did you see that? Know what that cost? $58,000.
Just about every scene with House, made even funnier because Hugh Laurie is playing the character. The literal version of him not playing by the rules, reviving the Road House gag, and him speaking in Laurie's natural, upper-class British accent after his Scooby-Doo Hoax is exposed.
From the otherwise cringeworthy "Excellence in Broadcasting" there's the scene where Brian is living with Rush Limbaugh and has replaced several of his belongings with new ones made in America. All of them break except for his new cat, which moos.
From the same episode, Babs's ex-boyfriend "Rodginald".
Carter: Get away from my wife, you rascal! Rodginald: Such language in the presence of a lady! If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in twixt! Peter: Hang on Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. (to Rodginald) Penis. Rodginald: Aaaaaaaah! <Faints>
Peter: "I need that money for bourbon and anime!"
Peter during cutaway: I don't understand any of this. Everyone in Japan is either a ten-year old girl or a monster!
Brian and Stewie failing their first Christmas delivery as Santa Claus in "Road to the North Pole".
When Lois gets rid of the Red Bull she dumps it onto a sunflower, which proceeds to grow giant and stop a car claiming it to be "official flower business", then it throws the driver out and drives off.
The AIDS joke itself was much more clever then one would have expected from a show like this:
Mayor West: Oh by the way I should tell you I've got aids.
Mayor West: yeah, they're right over there waiting for me!
Aid: Ready to go when you are, sir!
Mayor West: Poor guys, they both have AIDS.
"I heard all of that, and I just want to say this family is fucking disintegrating."
Three words: Muppet style sight seeing.
From the same episode, calling the music video for David Bowie and Mick Jagger's "Dancing In The Street" gay, then playing the entirety of it. It catching a lot of flack for being pointless, but it definitely turns the video into total Narm.
From "Brothers & Sisters", there's Peter's flashback to - since he didn't have a brother or sister - having a "broster" in his past.
Broster:"Hey, Peter, wanna see my paginis?"
Peter:"I, uh, I...I don't know."
The Black Woman V.S. The Italian Man from "Seahorse Seashell Party".
Italian Man: Hey, you can't park there!
Black Woman: Excuse me?
Narrator: Sensing confrontation, the black woman prepares by removing all her rings. Meanwhile, the Italian man makes sure that all the other italian men, can see what's happening. A flock of Jews, sensing danger, take flight and flee, as it is their only chance of survival.
Even though "Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q" isn't very funny (not because of weak and lazy writing, but because the episode showed Domestic Abuse as a serious problem, and not the punchline to a dark joke), it still had some funny moments:
Peter looking through the door's peephole and seeing Quagmire distorted in the glass with a sad face. When we see Quagmire, he face really was distorted like that from lack of sleep hearing the abuse going on in his house.
Peter: Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. (Cut to Peter standing against a blank white background.) Matthew McConaughey is terrible.
"Pebble in my shoe, pebble in my shoe, pebble in my shoe."
Frogmire. That is all.
Also, all the jokes about the older art style, and the bit about what Cutaway gags actually look like from an outside perspective.
Brian: That's odd. It's our house...but somehow it looks a little different.
Mayor West tells a story to his grandchildren, then one of them interrupts. West declares him his favourite. He then tells the story to his great-grandchildren, one of whom interrupts. The kid gets burnt to cinders with Sith Lightning.
Mayor West: Future old people are wizards.
Peter taking one bite out of a rice cake and reacting violently to it.
Peter trying to resist the urge of a delicious pie and warding off the cliched hand-like motion of the hot steam. So the steam tries to rape him!And it's making Quagmire watch!
Sitting behind a giraffe at a ball game.
The Vacation-style credits. The final one had me laughing my ass off! Chris was churning that butter pretty hard.
Stewie's bad pun when the family winds up in Amish country. As well as Brian's reaction to it.
Peter trying to reason with Meg's Amish boyfriend's dad. Eventually the dad agrees to let them see each other, but then Peter breaks out a radio in order to 'teach them about rock and roll.' The song on the radio that Peter sings along to at the top of his lungs? Highway to Hell.
"This food is so fucking good Lois." "Oh, okay. Wow."
The girls dressing Brian in a bee suit.
Followed by Lois telling them to do Stewie, leading to this hilarious and badass line.
Stewie: Alright, I guess this is the night bitches die.
He says this while spinning the barrel of a revolver.
When the Southern cop who spots some (obviously planted) drugs in the guys' trunk...
Peter beating an old man with cataracts to steal his bingo board.
In "Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream", there's a flashback cutaway where Lois is informing Chris of Francis' death 5 seasons ago. Chris's response is to inexplicably turn into part dilophosaurus and blind Lois with his spit.
Peter choosing a donkey with sunglasses.
Brian pissing on top of Mount Everest, and the subsequent reaction from a random dog.
Bloodhound:(sniffs air) Fuck, no way.
This exchange during the trip to the Fishman's:
Peter: A cold car ride through a dark suburban night. Look out the window and think of death, kids. Its-a comin'...
In an Imagine Spot Chris, after Peter and Lois's deaths, turns them into singing trophies akin to a novelty animatronic bass and they sing "Hooked on a Feeling" with Lois doing the background vocals and Peter doing the main.
Chris' principal thinking his well-done picture of Bob Belcher from Bob's Burgers is yet another example of how poorly he's doing in school.
Chris being given money to appear on TV after modeling his hair and accent after Russell Brand's.
At the space camp Peter and Brian go into the sensory deprivation room. A scream is heard, then when they come out Peter's head is now on Brian's body and vice versa, Peter commenting "Things got crazy so fast!"
We can't forget this exchange right after the family has dropped off Chris.
Peter: "No matter what, we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we saw on the way here."
Lois: Oh, Meg! All those suicide threats, and you're just as chicken-shit as everyone else.
When Peter watches Breaking Bad, the TV hypnotizes him to incessantly talk about what a great show both it and The Wire are. Cuing a great joke later where he brings them up and Stewie says "Ugh, he never shuts up about those shows."
Also, while they are blasting off into space, Brian, calling YOLO, sticks his head out the window, shouting that it's the best part of whatever makes this enjoyable.
From "Brian's Play", there's Stewie as the human resources guy for The Muppets and firing Beaker because he's been taking supplies to make crystal meth and selling it to Big Bird, who at the end of the scene comes in with bald patches on his body from scratching his feathers off.
Peter eating his toast with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. He doesn't realize it's been replaced with real butter, and ends up getting sent to an insane asylum after murdering three children (whether the doctor meant his own children wasn't clear).
During Stewie's "The Reason You Suck" Speech against Brian he mentions that it took Peter a year to understand Stuart Little. He wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks that "Stuart" means "mouse", Lois tells him no and he goes back to sleep, then he guesses "Little" means "mouse", Lois tells him no again, and he tells himself "I feel so old and in the way."
Stewie's dodgeball pseudonym being "Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower".
Stewie poaching the lead of Brians play to cast in the production of his play in New York. The lead tells Stewie he'll be right with him, he "just has to finish this crap" while in the middle of Brians play.
Stewie traveling back in time, where he winds up making out with Baby Lois.
Brian: So, what happened?
Stewie: None of your fucking business, that's what happened!
The opening of "Bigfat". Peter gets shot by his new neighbor, Stan Smith, but wakes to find it was a nightmare. At which point, Hank Hill walks in, and the whole thing is revealed to be one of his dreams.
Hank: Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.
Feral!Peter, who's spent over 2 months living in the wilderness. His reaction to television is to hump it.
Chris: He's doing what we're all thinking.
What finally snaps Peter back to normal;
Peter: Shut up, Meg.
Lois talking with Bonnie on "Call Girl".
Lois: It's kind of a long story, you see...
Robert Loggia: Eight f&@king hours later.
The whole first five minutes of the episode: Peter decides to become a falconer, and adopts a falcon named Xerxes. Someexampleshere.
When Peter has sex with the disguised Lois, who he thinks is the phone whore he's fallen in love with.
From that same episode, Jerome has to adjust himself before batting. So he touches his foot.
In "Farmer Guy", a cutaway has Peter and Lois deciding to have sex in a restaurant bathroom. Peter goes in and comes out satisfied before it's revealed that Lois never left her seat; Peter had sex with a male version of Lois who thought he was having sex with his wife, who is a female version of Peter in an in-universe example of Rule 63.
Peter's immediate devolution into paranoia. "Welp, now that we're selling meth, I guess I'll have to turn into one of those guys who freaks out at imaginary noises!"
Brian revealing that he's going to Quahog Tech State Tech. Stewie's response is "'Tech' is in there twice?"
From "Roads to Vegas", there's a montage in where a magician pulls a magic trick on a white tiger in a cage which makes it switch places with Stewie. The tiger then gives Brian a high-five.
Brian taking a hit out on Quagmire's cat, then the hitman sending him a confirmation via text.
From "12 and a Half Angry Men", Peter accidentally dropping his phone in the toilet at a public restroom. You only hear his voice and some splashing behind a stall door and see his legs kneeling on the floor as he's struggling find it:
"Oh ow! it's so cold and it's under everything! Ugh! Feels like I'm rooting around a pitcher of sangria! Ugh, where is it? Oh god why haven't I found it yet?! Oh no, I didn't roll my sleeve up far enough! Oh, why didn't I flush when I got in here?! Augh! This isn't even all mine! Oh no, there's a spider crawling on my face!(slap) Ahh! Why didn't I use the hand that was on the floor?! WHY DID I USE MY TOILET HAND?!! Oh here it is behind the toilet.
When Bruce is reading the second jury vote.
Bruce: Guilty...guilty...some hurtful slurs followed by the word guilty...
Carl (in his head): Careful now. You're playing a dangerous game, Carl.
Stewie asking Brian why he's so proud about finding a man not guilty when the killer is still at large.
Peter's Jaw Drop when hearing about the treasure map.
Peter disgusting Meg with his bad breath while singing "Minnie the Moocher" in the car. When she bails the car, Peter gives her "mouth to nose" resuscitation.
Joe and Quagmire's argument about eating a Mounds bar.
When Lois quits the treasure hunt, Peter hires Tricia Takanawa to be the new Lois.
When Peter asks Lois to forgive him because Chris forgave him for giving him a black eye earlier, it goes to Chris rubbing an ice pack over his eye muttering "I can't wait until you fall asleep tonight."
Peter using his cutaway setups to transport himself.
In "A Fistful of Meg", Meg fears getting beaten up the bully and says she can already imagine her funeral. It then cuts away to a casket lowering into a grave...and Peter tossing Meg's corpse into the grave.
"Boopa-Dee Bappa-Dee" has the whole family relocating to Italy. Among other things, Meg starts dating Mario. And Luigi.
Let's not forget the gondolier in the hotel bathroom.
When Lois says she wants to return to America, we get this exchange.
Peter: "Go back? But I thought you loved Italian Peter! And Southern Italian Peter!"
*a dark skinned Peter with a bushy black moustache walks in*
Southern Italian Peter: "Olive Oyle!"
When the Griffins are trying to reclaim their American citizenship, which Peter renounced by changing their nationality on the networking site Shutupayofacebook, part of the test is singing the US national anthem. Everyone pulls it off, except Chris who sings the theme fromThe Bodyguard instead.
The Mafia appearing. Specifically, the long gag where they threaten to steal people's credit cards. "Sure, you can dispute the charges, but you have to call them, and it's always like they don't believe you."
"Life of Brian": Although no one (at the time it aired, at least) really got any laughs out of this one, there's a humorous moment when at the funeral Mayor West complains that nobody went to his funeral, then gets out of his chair and walks backwards fading away, revealing that he's a ghost.
Quagmire, known to hate Brian's guts, watching baseball at his funeral.
Quagmire: Damn it Ortiz, stop swinging at junk!
The cutaway about Joe driving Grimace around town.
Quagmire getting followed home by an M-to-F transvestite, whose face is still very masculine and has a 5 o'clock shadow.
It's implied he still had sex with her as long as no one saw her come inside.
Mort's fall from fame as the manager of Earth Wind And Fire (and Pollen), and the reveal that he used to be much better looking.
It's even better than that. Mort reveals that he had an addiction during his manager days - olives, which actually turned him into a handsome, deep voiced guy at one point, which is treated by him like a drug addled rock star lamenting his lost good looks.
When Peter feels bad about leaving the family behind, he imagines what Thanksgiving will be like without him to cut the turkey. Cut to Lois vacuuming the turkey not knowing what to do.
The Black Albino Choir.
Peter and Quagmire kissing.
Peter committing suicide in the ending, right after the family reunion was played as a typical positive sitcom moral.
When Stewie is angered that the Christmas Carnival has been cancelled, we see Lois and Peter inside conversing of how Carter now has blood on his hands while Stewie is outside talking down the Christmas lights from the house across the street, making out with and beheading a snowman and finally nuking the entire town.
After that, when Lois mentions that her father always hated Christmas, the scene cuts away to Carter coming down Santa's chimney on June 16th and touching all of Santa's stuff with his soot-covered hands.
Also the scene where Peter mentions that canceling the carnival is making people think Carter is Jewish. Carter is alerted by this and we get a Smash Cut to the carnival now open.
Dr. Hartman discovering that Viagra and Cialis are for erectile dysfunction after thinking they were antidepressants. The scene cuts to Droopy staring outside lamenting "Everything's just getting harder and harder."
Peter attempting to chug a 600 gallon container of Pawtucket Patriot beer, resulting in him passing out, crashing his forklift through a wall, and nearly killing most of the board of directors.
Lois's job interview at the grocery store, which just consists of her answering "groceries" to every question. And she still gets the job.
Peter and Quagmire using the forklift to drag Joe around by his shirt to let him pretend he's walking again. His pants fall off at one point, but he's so happy that he doesn't notice.
Peter using his pay raise to afford a fancy cutaway setup involving jets and lightning.
Peter gets his job back by cashing in a coupon for a job redo he got for Valentine's Day. And another coupon for a hug that's expired.
In "Jack and the Beanstalk", Jack and his wife gets into an argument about the magic beans.
Jack: "I never even friggin heard of magic beans until you brought them up! If I get some, it's you that caused it!"
Jack hangs a lampshade on the Giants "fee fi fo fum" bit.
Jack: "You know, it's odd that you would speak gibberish of your own choosing, and still not have it rhyme."
In "Little Red Riding Hood", Peter/The Woodsman randomly bursts in and violently bisects Brian/The Wolf with a chainsaw, then runs out again. Stewie then asks that he's not sure if The Woodsman is the hero of the story or some lunatic going house to house murdering people.
Considering that you then hear him break into the house next door and murder the occupants, its probably the latter.
The items in the basket Red Riding Hood's mom gives her to bring to grandmother's house.
Stewie: "Why is there a bag of ice in here? And... is this a Coors Party Ball?! Is grandma entertaining Florida jetski people?"
During the Cinderella segment, when Stewie asks Cinderella (Lois) how the made her dress so fast.
Cinderella (Lois): Oh, you know. I have an eye for fashion and I'm pretty good with my hands.
Mouse 1: Unbelievable!
Mouse 2: Now I'm nervous about the screenplay we gave her.
Also, Cinderella recalling how the stepsisters pranked her by having King Midas go third-base on her.
"Oh God, we have so few female characters."
"Brian's a Bad Father"
When Brian gets fired from the show, he decides to take some of the table food for himself, eventually stuffing the entire table into his car.
The cutaway involving the MGM lion living his childhood dream of "sticking his head in a circle at the beginning of movies".
Peter making a cutaway that leads to a pedophile joke, then complaining to the Television Academy about them not winning an Emmy, saying that they would lave laughed at the joke had Modern Family done it.
At the end where Meg fades into thin air.
One of the stops on the gangs journey to find God is India.
Peter: What better place to search for God than the most spiritual country on Earth!
*The screen pans out, revealing the chaotic, filthy mess of an Indian city.
Peter: God is not here.
Mario Williams' line:
I would like to thank God and a jury of my peers, without whom I would not be playing today.
Chris going through the NFL Experience.
I've got headaches. Oh well, at least I can donate my brain to science. (shoots self in chest)
When Peter fades out of existence after accidently tearing up his birth certificate.
Peter: Oh god, there's no light! There's only fire!
When Peter bonds with a stranger and lets him in a car and plays "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", then Peter throws him out of the car.
When Carter and Chris make the pizza dude eat a plate of potatoes to get his tip.
The moral at the end.
Peter: I've learned something today. Its wrong for a man to take his son to Vermont to gay marry him for his inheritance.
Stewie: You... you should have known that already.
The reason Lois was able to track down Peter so fast? Several people had called the police about a man marying his son.
When the family gets sick of Smart Peter, they decide to reset him to his original personality by sending him to the dumbest city in the U.S - Tucson, Arizona.
Tucson is portrayed as nothing but drooling idiots beating eachother up. Someone at Family Guy seems to have a grudge against Tucson because this is the second Take That the city has gotten in one season.
Dial Cross Species Schampoo, for people who like showering with their dog.
"Baby Got Black"
When Peter, Quagmire and Joe try to see who can go the longest without sleeping and they see hallucinations.
When one of the lobsters at the restaurant makes a sexual innuendo about Jeromes daughter, and Chris tells the waiter to give him that one for dinner.
Peters "Thank the whites" song, mostly the part with black people contributing to pop singers like Eminem and Justin Bieber.
Peter telling Chris about sex.
Peter: It's AWESOME!
Peter dancing to Footloose.
"Anal Roberts" university.
"It's hard to get into, but once you're in it's worth it."
Drunkee The Incredibly Offensive Indian Stereotype Sports Mascot
Drunkee: THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR SPORTS!!
When Brian is blinded by the skunk he runs around the house and grabs Chris's leg, so Chris beats him with Stewie. Then the smell scares the roaches out of the wall and they form together into a giant hand to open the door and leave, but since they were 70% of the structure of the house the roof collapses on everyone.
When Lois asks if it's covered by their insurance, Peter replies that they don't cover acts of dog, then crawls over to a drum kit to do a rimshot.
Brian's nephew ScrappyBrian, who gets randomly eaten by a velociraptor.
When Peter gets his hand cut off by a bridge, he grows a new one and his discarded hand grows into his Evil TwinRetep, who like Evil Stewie has the color of his shirt and pants inverted. He later appears and puts a rock on the lawn knowing Brian will run over it, then when Peter and Meg are flying away in the Megcopter Peter sees him murdering a woman.
Peter as a pediatrist.
Meg: I thought you liked working at the toy factory.
Peter: Hell no, I always wanted to be a pediatrist!
(Cut away to Peter rubbing an old woman's feet)
Old Woman: Thanks to you Dr. Griffin my bunion is healed and I can walk without pain.
Peter:(Looking at the audience) This isn't a joke. I once had legitimate aspirations.
Peter's claim that all Bob Seger songs are actually about taking dumps. It's made clear by the titles Night Moves (Crapping in the middle of the night), Fire Inside (Presumably a Potty Emergency), Like a Rock (Constipation), and Against the Wind (Crapping out of a car window).
A spider luring a group of flies into its web with a sign reading "Free Aerosmith Tickets".
Meg getting her body covered in piercings, which attract all of the magnets in a gift shop except for one which clings to a piercing Peter got on his penis.
Peter: I got one too!
When Brian gives a speech to Stewie explaining why he's staying outdoors, he immediately teleports back in the house in-between thunderstrikes when it starts to storm. It's then revealed that Mayor West was watching them on a crystal ball.