Funny / Family Guy Seasons 15 to 16

Season Fifteen

270. - The Boys in the Band

• The joke that starts the season: The extended ending to Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.
  • Lois condemning the aforementioned cutaway as being inappropriate for children, despite once taking Stewie to see Magic Mike XXL.
• Peter using Stewie as a lumbar pillow.
  Peter: This works better in the car.
• Chris' previous job as a man racing to the airport to win back the love of his life at the end of a romantic comedy. The punchline is worth the wait: The woman he's racing after isn't the college-bound teenage girl, it's her grandmother. Chris then says it's what the other passengers expected for flying Spirit Air.
• Red Shirt Blue Shirt's songs, including "Momma Liked To Party (Chris' Song)", "Mommy and Daddy's Room", "Butt Paste On My Button", and "I Want A Little Brother".
• Stewie advertised Red Shirt Blue Shirt to middle-aged moms the easiest way; the wine shelf at a supermarket. He also advertised to gay men but they got, um, a different kind of advertisement.
  Stewie: (to a man) Where are you drinkin' that Chardonnay?
• Quagmire asks Chris if he has any references. Chris replies "Cowabunga, Schwing, and Yadda Yadda Yadda".
  Quagmire: Wow, those are pretty good references!
• The first thing Chris has to do every day as part of his new job is to punch Quagmire in the stomach because he's a bad person.
  Chris: ...is this some sort of trick?
  Quagmire: It's the furthest thing from a trick, and it should be pretty hard, I'm a worse person than you think.
• The birthday performer before Red Shirt Blue Shirt is a guy who shows off different reptiles, including a toad, a turtle and a boa constrictor.
  Man: Have fun out there. I'm going to go feed everything in my van to each other.
• Brian celebrates by jumping around in a field. Peter joins in.
• Miss Piggy tells Scooter she called in sick because she had a frog in her throat.
  Kermit: Please stop drinking.
• "I'll go get us another badly-scratched, plastic pitcher of soda."
• The poor state of the animatronics at Cheesie Charlie's. The worst one is "Broken Arm Coyote With Washboard".
• Stewie hitting rock bottom.
  Stewie: (spanks a muscular man's ass) See, Brian, that's a rock bottom. Now get out of here, we're gonna drink some Chardonnay.
• Chris' pop-up restaurant gig, where he pops up in a car and asks if the driver's hungry.
  Yelp Review: Great garlic knots, scary kid.
• Chris tracking Quagmire's genital sore growth with iPhone camera. Unfortunately, the picture account is part of the Griffin Family Account.
  Carter Pewterschmidt: What's wrong with this worm?
• Apparently, there's a spazzy boy who comes to Red Shirt Blue Shirt's gigs and shouts "Bring out the snakes!"
• Stewie as a mashup of Lois and Peter.
  Stewie: (laughing like Peter) Groceries.
• Cheers after they brought in Kirstie Alley: They all confuse Rebecca for Norm.
• After Peter makes a joke about Chris either "mowing lawns and trimming bushes", he throws a baseball and hits it with a bat.
• Frankenstein's monster as a loan officer. He rejects a loan because part of the client's business plan was selling pitchforks.
• Chris with a horse gimp with Mort inside.
  Mort: Well, that's what I get for horsing around.
  Peter: (throws a baseball, tries to hit it, but misses) Your joke wasn't that good enough.
• Olivia's replacement for Brian in Red Shirt Blue shirt? Vinny, who never met Stewie after the latter altered the timeline in "Christmas Guy".

271. - Bookie of the Year

• Peter introducing the Italian-American festival as a place where "every child has seen a relative murdered in a barbers chair".
• Peter at the "Teach An Old Italian Woman To Use An iPad" booth.
• Frank Sinatra Jr keeping meatballs in his jacket pockets. He's even lined them with plastic.
• After Chris rages out, Peter blames it on violence in moves and sex on TV. Lois is impressed that he paid attention to the theme song.
  • The reason Chris gets so mad? He's playing a Whack-A-Mole style game called Whack-A-Big-Pussy... From HBO's The Sopranos.
    Chris: This is NOT what I thought it was!
• Peter throws a rotten apple at Mayor Adam West's car.
  Mayor Adam West: I didn't know we had brown apple in the forecast. Welp, looks like we need it.
• Jesus' friend Evan, who bailed on the Last Supper.
  Evan: *looking at Leonardo Da Vinci's The Last Supper* Awww, they did a painting?! I would have gone if I knew they were going to do a painting!
• Bruce is the play-by-play commentator for the James Woods High baseball team.
  Bruce: Three strikes and he's out, just like my cousin Freddie and his drugs.
• Herbert holds up signs at Chris' baseball game reading "Chris, can you sign my balls?", "I've been choking up on my bat", "I was in the minors", and "I'm not supposed to be here."
• Peter talking about how impressed he is by Chris's performance at the game.
  Peter: Wow, look at him go! I've never seen Chris run out on a baseball field without chasing a duck or being chased by a duck.
• Cleveland telling Peter they can make "Toni Braxton money" by betting on Chris.
  Peter: Is-is that a lot?
  Cleveland: It's a lot, then nothing, and then a record whose proceeds go directly to creditors.
• The team's mascot, who has a huge baseball head, turns out to be a guy with an actual head and baseball-shaped scar when he washes off the white paint in the shower, freaking Chris out.
• Peter stubbing his toe at a funeral.
  Peter: OW!! Why does everything bad happen to me?! Answer me, guy in box and guy on cross!
• "Little known secret about Charlton Heston: never used toilet paper. Just drop and go."
• Peter asking Chris to deliberately lose the championship in Spanish.
• Lois walking in and catching Chris drinking from a whisky bottle, only to find out thats how Snapple is packaged now to trick kids into drinking it. When Lois tells him that Snapple used to be really popular, Chris doesn't belive her.
• Frank Sinatra, Jr. gets $40 every time someone says "my way", but Nancy Sinatra gets $60.
• Joe, Quagmire and Cleveland disguising themselves as teenagers to sneak into James Woods High. Problem is, Joe based the disguises on Archie Comics, so Joe is wearing a letterman's jacket, Quagmire is dressed like The Fonz and Cleveland is wearing pink girl clothes.
• Brian and Stewie's "unearned end of the series moment where we turn out the lights"... just before they torch the place.
• Frank Sinatra Jr. returning to Palm Springs, which has, in his words, "been completely taken over by the gays".

272. - American Gigg-olo

• Tom Tucker says it's odd for the pilots to start picketing on a Thursday.
• One of the freshest cutaways yet, Peter on the Access Hollywood bus with Donald Trump.
  Peter: Hey, I have an idea for this thing called "Twitter". It's a service that lets crazy people slam women and minorities at 3 AM!
• Quagmire's schedule is "Picketing" until 6 PM and "Scumbag Stuff" from 9 PM.
• "There's a rat trap in that cabinet with a foot in it. Somewhere in the house, there's a footless rat."
• Cleveland's stealing shot glasses from The Drunken Clam because that's how he drinks NyQuil.
• After Quagmire notices the gang at the strip club, Peter says their disguises didn't work. They're all wearing masks of each other's faces.
• One of the first people who offer to pay Quagmire for sex is the "Who Else But Quagmire?" man, who can't satisfy his wife and wants Quagmire to do it.
• The first sign of Quagmire's success as a gigolo is his dry-cleaning.
• The music montage showing Quagmires start as a gigolo. Peter takes him to an ugly client, and when Quagmire indicates he can't perform, Peter puts a bag over her head. When that isn't enough, Peter puts a photo of himself on the bag. When Quagmire rejects THAT, Peter runs off crying.
• Peter gets a call during Meg's cello recital and leaves.
  Janitor: Meg, that was the last guy so just clean up after you're done.
  (wide out to reveal that no one's in the audience)
• Peter betting on college football by giving the bookie a hundred bucks.
  Bookie: You want to pick a team?
  Peter: No no, just take them.
• Stewie thinks about how happy Brian's job is making him so he should just let it be even though Brian's douchiness is infuriating him. Then the credits roll, only to quickly cut back to Stewie who decides he can't stand it so he's just going to get Brian fired.
• Stewie hires three Mexican migrant workers ("One's Guatemalan.") to help him come up with an idea of how to get Brian fired, but all they can think of is to either get him fired as an illegal immigrant or killing him. When Stewie pressures them, one finally fires off an idea about giving a shook-up soda can to Brians boss, an idea clearly stolen from the Simpsons. Thats the one they go with, and it works.
  Stewie: Okay, if you had a friend who worked at Mega Hardware, how would you get him fired?
  Luis: You ask him for papers?
  Stewie: Okay, good. Uh, that, unfortunately, won't work in this instance. But I like your effort, Luis. Uh, any other ideas?
  Carlos: You could kill a guy.
  Stewie: You know what, Carlos, you stay quiet for a while. I really only need two of you. You'll still be paid.
  Migrant Worker #3: You ask for papers?
  Stewie: Okay, is there any idea out there besides killing a guy or getting someone deported?
  Carlos: We do good job, we live with you?
  Stewie: Well, you just offered to kill a guy, so you're not exactly number one on my roommate list. Now, let's go. I paid good money for you, I need answers! I want your best, and I won't stand for even one more stupid idea!
  Migrant Worker #3: You shake up boss's soda and give to him. When he open it, it explode!
  (Beat)
  Stewie: This is why I pushed you.
• Quagmire's life as a hooker is featured in a movie called Hookers At Quahog Point: An HBO Gross Sex Documentary.
  • When the documentary crew interviews Peter, he just goes off on a tangent about how he thinks he wants to see Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), but is worried there might be scary parts in it.
• Stewie tries to find out how to perform a hernia operation on his iPhone when Brians hernia ruptures, but he says he has to update his iOS first.
• Quagmires career as a gigolo finally comes to an end when a client wants to do "German stuff", and Peter tries to come to his rescue, only to get pulled in as well.
  Peter: Ah! She's got us both! Help us, pimps and hos! Help us, HBO camera crew!
  Peter: *walking with Quagmire, both beaten and disleveled* Wow Quagmire, most of that was horrible!
  Quagmire: I know. Eventually, I might want to try it again.
• At the end, Peter tells Quagmire that the strike ended a month ago and he e-mailed it to Quagmire, but he used an outdated AOL address.

273. - Inside Family Guy

• According to Chris, the show was called "Chris Griffin: Teen Doctor" in the pilot.
• Seal Team Six completed their mission in the Petercopter.
  Bin Laden: Hey cool, Family Guy! Hey, up here!
• Stewie's start-up business, a website that discretely delivers crepes for straight people who likes crepes but don't like people making assumptions about their sexuality.
  Stewie: Mmm, strawberry banana nutella with a raspberry drip! Now I just need a guy's butt to eat this off and we're good to go!
• Peter makes the writers spit in each other's mouths.
  Peter: You know I'm only tough on you 'cause I hate you, right?
• Brian was temporarily killed off so he can star in a remake of Old Yeller where the dog shoots his owner first. It bombed.
  Brian: They overestimated the number of dogs that buy movie tickets.
• Adam West interrupts a scene just to show how they filmed Batman climbing up the skyscraper. He's even in costume!
• "Uncle Ricky, played by sitcom buzzard David Spade, enters."
• Peter makes a speech about leaving with his dignity and makes a dramatic exit through the sound stage, only for the guard at the gate to tell him his dick has been hanging out of his pants the whole time.
• After David Spade debuts, everyone originally loves him, only for his grating personality and wimpy demeanor beginning to get on peoples nerves.
• Cleveland has no idea who Spade is, not recognizing any of the hits Spade starred in. Then Joe mentions that Spade was also in one of the Wayan Brothers bombs, and Cleveland immediatly recognizes him, down to his character name.
• Peter moves to Hollywood's historic Chateau Marmont hotel, where James Woods mentions that he once engaged in the consensual murder of an underage prostitute there.
• Peter creating sexually explicit tapestry art of the Minions from Despicable Me.
• James Woods talking about the shows cutaway gags, and that they're apparently produced by James Cameron, only to be corrected that its actually "James, the Cameraman" who produces them, a fat slob who got the job by selling Vicodin to some of the shows producers. He then sells some vicodin to Woods.
  James: It says don't take it with alcohol, but you should take it with alcohol.
  Woods: Yeah, duh! I'll also need some for the girl I'm babysitting.
• Peter auditioning as the supportive dad in a Cheerios commercial. His character is supposed to talk about why he decided to raise his son instead of becoming a musician.
  Son: You'll always be a rockstar to me, dad.
  Peter: You ruined my life! I'm going to bed...
• The Live Studio Ostrich returns to approve a cutaway.
• Peter demands to get thrown out of the hotel "Uncle Phil" style.
• After he's evicted, Peter moves into a dreary, tiny apartment.
  Peter: (notices some graffiti near the ceiling) Looks like somebody named "Brooks" was here.
• Stewie says Peter once tried to hold up a convience store with a t-shirt cannon.
• "My online poker problem is burning like a wildfire!"
• The Reveal at the end that the entire process of firing Peter and bringing in a replacement until Peter learns his lesson is something they repeat every week, just so they can film the REAL episode before Peter forgets his lesson and turns into a giant diva asshole again by Monday.
• The episode ends with a montage of Peter getting hit in the groin with a bag of nickels in a parody of the similar montage credits used on The Simpsons, except this is all new footage just for parody purposes.

274. - Chris Has Got A Date, Date, Date, Date, Date

• Cleveland dresses his stepson Rallo in a squirrel costume to steal tomatoes from Lois' garden.
  Cleveland: This time, try to get like, eight of them. I want to make bruschetta.
• Peter saws wood in the bedroom.
  Peter: Once the floor is full of sawdust, we can eat peanuts in here!
• "If you're neither insane, nor a clown, nor a posse, I'm not interested."
• On New Year's Eve, Chris shouted "Some animals give me boners!" just before the stroke of midnight and balloons and confetti drop.
• After getting hired for Uber, Peter instantly gets a hairy chest, a gold necklace, and a Bluetooth speaker, in which he begins to talk foreign-sounding gibberish into.
• When Taylor Swift agrees to go to the dance with Chris, he then breaks the sad news to Seamus, who was getting his hair done at the time.
• "But first, we go to commercial while our sports reporter smiles and spins a football for some reason."
• The famed "I'm so excited" scene, with Stewie playing the role of Jessie.
  Stewie: Screech is going to stab someone on Christmas!
• When Taylor is introduced to Meg and Brian, Meg says she's not impressed because she's met Dan Aykroyd. Brian asks her which cast member of Hee Haw she is.
• The family streaming Braveheart at a movie theater, complete with snacks and drinks from home.
• Peter makes one of his passengers wait for hours while he does several stupid, slow errands like getting his hair cut or going to a yoga class. When there's only 20 minutes left, Peter says he can't get him to the airport that fast and calls him a Lyft driver instead, who for some reason looks like another Peter.
  Lyft!Peter: Hope you like The Offspring!
• Chris makes Taylor a collage of her favorite things, including pictures of Kanye West with his mouth shut.
• Taylor ends her hate song about Chris with "Oh, and some animals give him boners." Balloons and confetti then drop.
• Chris ends up becoming a meme after Taylor's song is posted.
  Photo of Chris: You Done Swifted Up
• Swift's songwriting team turns out to be two super-old Jewish guys who just sing about traditional deli food. Swift just replaces the food items with "boys".
• The Internet Police arrest Stewie and Brian for sending a tweet that Broad City is just okay. They end up in a jail cell with a guy who said that Caitlyn Jenner wasn't brave or beautiful, which frightens Stewie.
• "Your house is nicer than Anne Murray's. We broke in there, too."
• Peter stops a gang of cab drivers from beating him by holding a medallion with Judd Hirsch's picture on it.
• Peter showing up to pick up Brian, Stewie and Chris still beaten and bloodied from the taxi driver attack, in the smoking wreck of Brian's car.
  Peter: (slurred) How many tooths is not enough tooths?
• Peter ends the episode as if it's The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, complete with a parody of the Carson Enterprises logo.
• The remake of The Princess Bride with Bill Cosby, but the scene with the poisoned cups is replaced with a scene with cups with cocaine or date rape drugs in them.

275. - Hot Shots

• The episode begins with the family watching a "Rational Geographic" TV documentary.
  Upon realizing a trip to Africa would be smelly and gross, our crew decided to stay in the office.
• Peter wants to make sure a bat Meg found in the house isn't really Grandpa Munster, so he tells the family to set up for a joke.
  Chris: Hey Grandpa, how did you sleep last night? (the bat obviously doesn't answer)
  Peter: See, if it was him, he'd have answered: "Like I do every night, upside down!"
• Peter attempts to kill the bat with a gun attached to a remote-controlled helicopter, but it backfires due to the gun firing uncontrollably, and the bat stealing the gun afterward. Then Peter reveals the bat also has a bunch of knives he gave him.
• Peter dressing up as Lestat from Interview with the Vampire to "understand vampires" before he can catch the bat, only to reveal it's just him trying to reinvent himself because a guy at work told him he dresses badly. When he comes back home the next day, he reveals he's been labeled a distraction and they're going to have a meeting about him.
• "Are we taking a terrible 7 AM flight?"
• Peter catches the bat watching Cinemax porn at 3 AM, so the bat changes to CNBC.
• When Peter is trying to hit the bat with a tennis racket, it flies into Chris's room and Peter smashes up Chris's stuff while trying to hit it. The bat flies into Stewie's room, but for no reason, Peter goes into Meg's room and smashes her stuff as well.
• The cutaway of Peter narrating how he joined a cult after high-fiving a "Don't Walk" sign. In the next scene, he high-fives Stewie's x-ray.
  • The reason Peter didn't commit mass suicide with the rest of the cult? He doesn't like root beer, so he didn't drink his.
• Dr. Hartman says he used to work at the hospital.
• After realizing this episode is going to be a Lois story, Stewie tells the viewers Game of Thrones is on.
• Act one ends with Peter running around town yelling that both the Wachowski brothers are now women.
• Peter says he's going to pet a bunch of dogs without asking.
  Brian: Don't do that, we don't like it.
• A man confuses Lois' anti-vaccine demonstration with someone selling a bullhorn.
  • The guy who bought the bullhorn later announces the city's under quarantine with it.
• Peter's anti-vaccination PSA.
  Narrator: Paid for with Meg's college fund.
• Stewie gets so paranoid about getting sick, he covers Chris in Saran Wrap and makes Brian wear high heels.
  Chris: I'm a gas station sandwich!
• "Man, there is a lot of bad art in these hallways."
• Joe argues with a wheelchaired state policeman, who then argues with a wheelchaired FBI agent, but a crossing guard who can walk says he has power over all three.
• Peter destroyed all the vaccines in town as The Joker.
  Peter: What else did I have to do today? Ah, yes, overdose in my apartment.
• After Meg asks if Peter was born in Mexico, he says that no one remembers it.
• "I think I can keep down deviled eggs."
• Brian spots a Family Circus dotted line showing where Billy went before he died of measles.
  Brian: And here comes Marmaduke to lick up the vomit!
• Sean Penn brings vaccines to the city because he thinks Rhode Island is a third world country.
• John Goodman getting a physical. His EKG spells out "pancakes". When his doctor says he needs to go on a strict diet, Goodman refuses, and has two horses tied to his legs make it look like he can walk under his own power.
• Stewie getting robbed by himself from the future who has become a glue-snorter and steals his glue.

276. - High School English

A - The Great Gatsby

• The disclaimer at the opening view: Long Island Used to Be Fancy
• Stewie (Nick) complaining about the loud jazz music from Gatsby's party, but is glad that at least scatting over jazz hasn't been invented yet. Cue it being invented that very night.
• Women aren't allowed to ask questions yet.
  Flapper: So, what's your name?
  Stewie (Nick): Madam, you forget yourself!
• Nick noting that Gatsby was clearly playing with himself with his hand in his pocket.
• The scene where Gatsby and Nick are looking at the green light across the bay from Daisy's house, one of the most famous scenes from the novel.
  Stewie: I hate to burst your bubble, but that light is from a gay gym called The Pumphouse. I-I only know that because of a coupon I found in my rental.
• "Yeah, lot of weird coincidences for an American classic, huh?"
• Lois (Daisy) saying that Nick's vacation home is small and ugly.
  Stewie: Well, it's not that palace of domestic abuse you live in.
• Stewie takes the credit of making deviled eggs when the devil made them.
• Lois throwing Jay (Brian)'s shirts around.
  Brian: Were you this crazy when we dated before?
• Stewie says that they're just going to cut the parts about him dating Jordan (Meg.)
• Peter (Tom) lampshading some of the rather bizarre parts of the original novel.
  Peter: I invited you here and sat you next to my wife to tell you to stay away from my wife! *to the whole table* You know what we should do? We should drunkenly drive into Manhattan and get a hotel room and have the same conversation we're having here-I'm starting to think this isn't a very good book.
• Peter's illicit affair with the mechanic Wilson (Joe)'s wife.
  Peter: (tosses money to Joe) Have fun raising my bastard!
• Tom (Peter) honks his car horn to see if they're in "the funny horn era".
  Peter: (happily) It is!!

B - Huckleberry Finn

• Huckleberry Finn (Peter) playing real life Angry Birds (due to the story being set in the 1800s) by taking a bird and flinging it towards pigs.
• Peter specifying that he's playing Huck Finn and Chris is playing Tom Sawyer.
• Huck complaining when the Widow Liebner (Lois) tells him to go to church because he's already been to church three times that day.
• Peter tells Jim (Cleveland) he skipped a stone six times and gets mad when he thinks Jim doesn't believe him. Jim's thoughts reveal that he did see it and it was amazing, but he's not telling Huck because Huck claims he didn't see Jim hit an apple core into a trash basket from far away.
• Jim and Huck fall over an Inevitable Waterfall and die, but show up perfectly fine the next scene.
  Jim: So, wait. We didn't die?
  Huck: I dunno, it's all just jokes.
• Jim and Huck running into the two con artists on the river (Quagmire and Joe):
  Joe: Hi, we're fake-selling the Brooklyn Bridge!
  Quagmire: Don't call it fake-selling!
  Joe: We're real-selling the Brooklyn Bridge!
  Quagmire: Stop qualifying the selling!
• Huck asking Jim if that word is okay to say if it's spelled with an "A" at the end.
• Tom Sawyer (Chris) says he's going to a Rush concert because they wrote a song about him. At the end, when Jim has been freed, all three characters end up going to the concert.
  Mark Twain: Hi, I'm Mark Twain. Pretty cool book, huh?

C - Of Mice And Men

• George (Stewie) and Lenny (Chris) plan is to open a Steelers themed bed and breakfast.
• Slim (Peter) gives Stewie and Chris a job because three of his ranch hands got squished.
• Slim asking if they've ever done this kind of work before.
  George: Have we pulled an object off a plant and placed it in a burlap sack? Yeah, I think we grasp the nuances of this job.
• When Slim asks Lenny to tell him about himself, he says "I like to kill animals and then a lady".
  Slim: ...I got a good feeling about you guys.
• "As you can tell by the 'well, well, well', he's the bad guy."
• Brian, playing a puppy, is understandably unwilling to be handled by Chris, playing Lenny, given he died in the other two stories. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't get a say in the matter.
  Chris/Lenny: Puppy!
  Brian/Puppy: AW, FUCK!
• Curly calling Lenny "Hodor".
• The laughably brief fight scene between Chris (Lenny) and Quagmire (Curly), ending with the former crushing the latter's hand nonchalantly.
• After Chris breaks Curly's (Quagmire) hand, Stewie asks to leave early for a dental appointment.
• Stewie's lax reaction to Chris saying "everything is my head is screaming"
• Chris asking if he can touch himself while Stewie is gone.
  Stewie: Again, you don't have to schedule that with me.
• The abrupt ending after Stewie shoots Chris.
  Stewie: Good night, kids. Good luck with those book reports. (walks off)
• Brian getting killed in all three stories.

277. - Carter and Tricia

• The game show Are We Talking About Jake Gyllenhaal or Jared Leto?
  Host: I somehow manage to look ripped and deathly ill at the same time.
• Igor complains that Doctor Frankenstein shouldn't have made a guy.
• After finding out that Peter works at the brewery, new owner Carter makes him "the guy with the ski tan who doesn't talk about it".
  • Then Carter gives him a standing desk and forces him to talk about it to the "chair people" and tell them sitting kills three times a day.
• While visiting Channel 5, Peter discovers that Ollie Williams is also a Standing Desk Guy.
  Ollie: SITTIN'S BAD!
• Joe revokes Brian's driver's license, so he calls an Uber home. His driver? Joe.
• "Goodnight, gender-transitioning co-worker we had a whole meeting about."
• When Carter insists that the brewery's beer cans now be made out of potentially toxic material, Angela says that word of the change getting out would be one of the most notorious developments in beer history, second only to Michelob Ultra Dragon Fruit Peach. A "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer comes up saying "ACTUAL BRAND OF BEER. HONEST TO GOD."
• Carter hopes the reporter that interviews him is Kermit the Frog in a trenchcoat.
• After Tricia interviews Carter, Peter tries to hide from him through Clark Kenting... and it works!
  Carter: Hello citizen! Have you seen Peter?
• Barbara's been admitted to a sanitorium after Carter says he's leaving her for Tricia. Carter says that "sanitarium" is a strange word because that place was a filthy hellhole.
• The driving safety video, featuring Stewie in all the roles.
  Brian: Stewie, is this about mouth stuff while driving?
  Stewie: It's about all types of driving safety, yes.
• Jesus talking to his son.
• Peter playing chess in the style of a Japanese game show. A woman is whipping his scrotum while the host is laughing through a picture-in-picture.
  Peter: I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY THE HORSE GOES!! Why is that guy laughing at me?! Where is he?! *timer buzzes* This was on a time limit?! Nobody told me that! (is sprayed by several midgets with fire extinguishers)
  Host: Time for Good Door, Bad Door!
  Peter: *is dragged off by two goons* How bad is the bad door?!
  • Several decades later, a now elderly, quadruple amputee Peter is regaling his life story to his grandson.
    Grandson: How bad was the Bad Door, Grandpa Peter?
    Peter: Not too bad, but shortly after, I was almost eaten alive by an escalator! *the timer suddenly buzzes again* THE GAME IS STILL GOING?!
    Host: *a now elderly host appears again* Ohhh, you lose chess! *the grandson sprays Peter with another extinguisher*
• "Let me just burp through my nose for a second, I've been drinking seltzer."
• After it's revealed that Tricia only slept with Carter as part of her expose on the brewery, we learn that Chris got an internship at Channel 5 and tries to record 20 seconds of room tone.
  Carter: What's room tone?
  Chris: Dang it, now we gotta start again.
• "Coming up: Nicki Minaj... is a bear?"
• The founder of the Boy Scouts.
  Powell: Ma'm, I'd like to take your son into the woods!
  Mother: What? That sounds suspicious.
  Powell: What if I told you we'd be wearing shorts and handkerchiefs and I'll give him patches for doing what I say?
• After Brian says he'll be able to go to dog parties again, the cutaway that follows is done in the style of the kids' book Go, Dog. Go! which ends on a weird note because one of the dogs is sad that Chris Farley O.D'd.
• Carter's plan to humiliate Tricia is by spiking her drink with a substance that will cause her to "triple" herself, which is vomiting, defecating, and climaxing at the same time. When Peter asks why such a thing would even exist, Carter simply says "Cosby."
• Tricia's mother complains that Tricia's not married and compares her to Connie Chung and Maury Povich.
  • She also complains that Tricia doesn't have any children, so there will be no one to take care of her when she's 120 years old.
• After Peter intercepts the spiked drink and messes up his rental tux, he returns it by throwing it at the clerk in a leaky garbage bag.
• At the end of the episode, Stewie tells Brian he owes him a favor... then asks to go out for ice cream.

278. - How the Griffin Stole Christmas

• How David Lynch Stole Christmas, marking the first appearance of David Lynch on a Seth MacFarlane show since The Cleveland Show ended.
  Kid: I don't understand...
  Lynch: Thats the point, let the fear wash over you! Also, did you leave a plate of black coffee out for me?
  Kid: No?
  Lynch: In the future, please leave a plate of black coffee out for me. Also in the past.
• The second passion of Jesus Christ was sledding.
  Jesus: Eat this, for this is my dust!
• Stewie saying that the only reason he has a Dora the Explorer sled is because they got it at a yard sale.
• "The last time I checked, this was still The United States of Tara!"
  Stewie: Obscure reference...
• Mayor West is closing off the hill due to parents suing the city for their children getting head injuries when they crash into cars parked beneath it. When Peter talks him out of it, West takes a sled ride down, only to immediatly crack his skull against a car too.
• Joe using one of his many bedpans as a sled.
  Peter: You make every activity incredibly sad.
• Peter and the kids' GoPro videos while sledding on a dining room table.
• Stewie says he always gets amused whenever Brian wears pants.
• Peter playing "Talk To Someone Else's Wife In A Bikini Until They Cover Up Uncomfortably". After talking to Bonnie and getting annoyed that she covered her chest after about two seconds, Peter covers HIMSELF when he talks to Quagmire.
• "Well, we got $60. Let's see what kind of Chinese pressboard garbage we can get to replace my grandmother's priceless mahogany table."
• Chris wants to sit on Santa's lap. First Peter tells him he's way too old, but when Chris explains that he wants to ask for a family trampoline, Peter enthusiastically encourages him.
• Peter getting sad when the guy running the Santa's Village calls him "hefty".
• The cutaway of Peter's Farmers Only dot com date.
  Peter: Are you the gross lady who lives in the converted horse trailer?
  Peter: It doesn't say "whites only", but... yeah.
• "And before you cry to your mom, that's my cell phone you're feeling."
• Amongst Peter's freebies he gets as the mall Santa: A personalized license plate that says "Corey".
• Stewie says that there's a white elephant going on. Not the gift exchange, a fat secretary in white is making out with anyone.
• Peter forcing a traffic cop to eat a ticket he was going to put on his car.
• The 1-877-Kars-4-Kids jingle in an opera style.
  Peter: I lost my virginity to this song.
• Stewie and Brian robbed the houses of every gay man in Quahog the night Wicked premiered in town.
• The first few moments of Santa meeting (a very drunk) Peter is spent explaining that Santa isn't a genie.
• After meeting the real Santa, Peter is surprised to learn he's fatter.
• The little drummer boy in his Neil Peart phase.
• Santa's revenge at Peter? Texting Joe as Peter and forcing him to go to Build-A-Bear Workshop.
  • Peter strikes back by replacing one of his reindeer with a normal one, which an elf cuts and it ends up in the Griffins' dining room.
    Chris: Yay, free horse!
• Santa's gift to Peter after making up: A copy of the Penthouse Peter found in the woods when he was 12 with Vanessa Williams and George Burns on the cover, a callback to the earlier joke about Peter not asking for anything for Christmas that year when he found it.
• Santa telling Peter he wasn't the worst Santa, Bill Cosby was.

279. - Passenger Fatty-Seven

• Henry Ford marketing his Model T Ford car as a "jew flattener".
• Peter crosses his eyes, but one iris goes into the other eye. A giant hand with a pencil then erases the pupil and draws it back on his correct eye.
  Peter: Thanks, sweatshop Korean animator, you've earned your nickel this week.
  • Peter later asks the animator to draw the gang as X-Men. Peter is Wolverine, Cleveland is Cyclops, Quagmire is Colossus, and Joe is Prof. Xavier, to which he flatly responds "What a surprise."
• Peter has accidentally double-booked his trip with Lois' trip to a timeshare, so he steals her cab and runs off, accidentally taking her luggage instead of his own. Lois finds a blow-up doll of herself in Peter's luggage.
• The montage of the boys with lesbian haircuts seeing San Francisco over "Come To My Window" by Melissa Ethridge just so they can get the gay jokes out of the way.
• Joe with muscular arms saying he didn't expect San Francisco to have so many hills.
• "Yes, I will have eight Dasanis and a J.D. Power and Associates."
• Quagmire managed to build Hogwarts out of 10,000 Lego bricks while the plane was on autopilot. Joe later breaks the Dumbledore figure (who he thinks is Gandalf).
• The plane's communication breaks down, so Quagmire uses a back-up: two tin cans and a string.
• Peter's remake of Inside Out with Peter as Poo.
• "Coming up in the midday news, a couple in their 30s get married without their dog in the wedding. You won't believe their story."
• Not only is this episode a parody of hijacking movies, but there's also the obligatory anxious businessman who wants the hijacking to end quickly... because he turns out to be a standby at the end of act two after the group of hijackers are defeated.
  • There's also a guy who's sleeping through this at the beginning of act three. Peter wakes him up so he won't sleep through his own death.
• The parody of the opening to The Golden Girls with the wives and Ida as the girls when Lois wonders what their lives will be like if their husbands die.
  Stewie: Oh my god, now I want dad to die!
• When Joe opens the landing gears to suck the hijacker out of the plane, he tells Peter to hang on to something. Peter accidentally grabs on to his own belt.
• Quagmire tells the passengers they're flying over Yosemite National Park during the hijacking.
• The hijackers plan to crash the plane in Vegas because they hate Rita Rudner.
• Quagmire is confused about exactly what nationality the hijackers are after one of them talks about putting custard on dumplings.
• "You know, we never did nail what region you guys are from."
• After defeating the last hijacker by doing a barrel roll after turning on the "fasten seat belt" sign, he finds that all the passengers haven't buckled their seat belt.
• At the end, Peter announces they were flying Spirit Airlines.

280. - Gronkowsbees

• The Bone Zone, a version of the NFL Red Zone channel, but showing all the sex scenes on TV.
  Host: Over on Game of Thrones we have a malnourished albino plowing a girl in a hot tub as he names dragons. Oh, there's a Bone Zone Alert for Girls, which we'll ignore cause it's Gabby Hothman Donald Duck'ing it.
• Peter having breakfast in bread. He's somehow baked himself inside a loaf of bread and makes lots of bad puns.
  Lois: Peter, I don't know what this is but we're 4 months behind on our mortgage.
• Peter subscribing to the Dangerous Idiot newsletter, which has a story on how to tailgate speeding firetrucks to get places faster.
• When Brian tells Stewie he doesn't have time to play tea party with him, Stewie asks him exactly what he's busy with and Brian can't think of anything.
• Stewie began beekeeping because Lois missed the registration for soccer.
• The cutaway about an 8th grader who just got laid for the first time... except it turns out he was actually molested by a priest, yet everyone still treats it as a sexual conquest. And the PRIEST is the one crying.
  Priest: He said he loved me!
• Peter noticing that Cleveland has a bald spot with his drone, "Drone of Arcadia".
• The drone's camera captures Adam West diving in to a swimming pool in his suit.
• Peter's drone gets raped by a hawk.
  Joe: Look at that pervert squirrel just watching!
  • In the next scene, we find out it wasn't intentional.
• "Oh my God, he's dead and his face and ears are missing!"
• Peter proclaims that Rob Gronkowski is "America's most athletic Polish."
• Peter's new mailman is Lou Ferrigno. Peter isn't happy about it due to the moment being outshone by Gronkowski.
  Peter: On any other day, that would be exciting. Now give me my mail and go.
• Peter's welcome gift to Rob is the Cool Ranch he scraped of 15 bags of Doritos. Cleveland brought the middles of Oreos.
  Peter: I dunno, I thought he could eat it by the fistful or rub it on his balls.
• Rob's not good at learning names, so he calls everyone "Grover".
• The cutaway of Peter doing Marley & Me.
  Peter: Aw, my nightmare dog is dead. Marley and me.
• The ridiculous nonsense in Rob's house, such as a jacuzzi filled with coffee (sponsored by Dunkin Donuts), a pool full of Alphabet Soup (sponsored by Campbell) and a shower that sprays Monster Energy drink (sponsored by Monster).
  Cleveland: Why do you keep saying what everything is sponsored by?
  Rob: My manager said if I don't, I won't go to heaven. Sponsored by SMS Audio Sweatproof Headphones.
  • And of course, some of the extreme, nonstop late-night partying that cause Peter and Lois to want him out of their neighbourhood:
    Peter: God, they're still going?!
    Lois: Peter, this is exactly what I told you would happen. Not so much fun anymore, is it?
    Peter: (hearing that the music has stopped) Oh, thank God, maybe they're wrapping it up.
    Crowd at Gronk's: Noise! Noise! Loud noise, noise, and a Civil War cannon! (cannon fires, shaking the Griffins' house)
• The farmer's market features Jerome confused about what's going on.
  Jerome: What is this, a vegetable parking lot?
• "Dan Cortese was the only thing in the entire world affected by Y2K."
• Rob introduces Peter to his brothers and father, but says he's not sure which one of them is his dad.
  Peter: Probably the grey-haired one with the whiskey sunburn.
• Rob and his brothers don't have a biological mother, they're the result of their dad having sex with a side of beef.
• Thanks to steroids, Barry Bonds' head is a pumpkin.
• Rob throwing what looks like a football at Peter, until it turns out it was a bus.
• Rob towel whipping Peter twice in the crotch when he asks him to stop the party. When Peter cuts away to a gag about the War of Independence, Rob somehow shows up there too and whips him again.
• The cutaway of Joe complaining about the Italian restaurant he's at with Peter.
• Cleveland says his leprechaun disguise is his Easter clothes.
  • Rob realizes it's a disguise... and rips off his mustache.
• To distract the steroid-laced bees, Brian texts Meg.
• Peter hopes that Wilson will move back and give him homespun wisdom over the fence.
  Lois: Peter, that was Home Improvement.
  Peter: It's exhausting that you never go with anything I say.
• At the end, another bus crashes through the roof.

281. - Peter's Def Jam

• The gang bird watching. The bird they're watching: Larry Bird.
  Cleveland: What do they eat?
  Peter: Gin and whatever's in the bowl at the airport bar.
• Meg's new haircut.
• "If I wanted to hear a black guy rambling on, I'd watch Family Feud."
• "I'd like to thank our sponsor, the U.S. Postal Service. If you want something expensive thrown on your porch and stolen, you want the U.S. Postal Service."
• Brian freaks out over a pop-up book of a bird.
• Peter hiding from Lois in Stewie's crib because Lois is making him wash his hands after he poops.
• The club owner asking Peter what the song he's playing is.
  Peter: I dunno, it's just random garbage on my computer.
  Owner: Great, you must be a DJ! I own a club for cocaine people and Armenians, would you like to play for me?
• Peter hides a melody by adding the sound of power tools.
  Peter: Yeah, I'd drink vodka and Gatorade to that!
• Brian and Stewie playing Tom Sizemore's Game Of Life.
  Stewie: Sell rights to Saving Private Ryan residuals for a case of Coors Light.
  Brian: Steal your son's wallet while he's in the shower.
  Stewie: Seems like we should be moving these pieces backwards.
  • Another one of the cards is "scoop someone's urine from Starbucks toilet to pass drug test". Later on, Peter says he saw Sizemore in the bathroom of the dance club.
• Stewie says they have a recurring flea problem. Cue Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
  Stewie: Get out of here, Flea! You're not welcome here! And put on a shirt, you're 50!
  Flea: Actually 54.
• The gang robbing a bank wearing masks of lesser-known presidents. Joe gets mad because the bank teller thinks he should have been FDR because of the wheelchair.
• Peter realizes he's gone deaf not because he can't hear Lois rambling about him staying out late or Meg screaming in pain because she's on fire. He realizes it because he can't hear a Garfield cartoon playing on the TV.
• Peter asks Joe to spell a questions using Alpha Bits, except for the letter Ls because he ate them all.
• It turns out Lois isn't allergic to Brian. Peter stuffed some pillows with hay because he thinks it's comfortable.
• At the end, the gang watches Joe play Big Buck Hunter, despite not being able to see the screen.
  Peter: We didn't even put quarters in the game. He don't know.
  • This is a Call-Back to earlier in the episode, where Joe was playing Golden Tee Golf.
    Peter: He's just cycling through clubs.

282. - The Finer Strings

• Peter said he performed "I'm A Yankee Doodle Dandy" while catching babies and guessing their weight at his high school talent show.
  Lois: Did that really happen?
  Peter: No, I just lip-synced "Born To Run".
• Cataract quiz: Which of two pixelated pictures is Jessica Chastain? The answer: Neither. They're both Carrot Top.
  • Also, guess who shows up after Carter realizes he has cataracts? No, not Bryce Dallas Howard.
• After King Arthur pulled the sword from the stone, it let out a long fart.
  Stone: Sorry, it's been like 500 years!
• Peter and Quagmire lift Joe into the booth. Joe sinks and Peter decides to have Cleveland and Quagmire lift Joe up again so he can play a few notes as Joe sinks.
• Carter has Brian read comic strips.
  Brian: The Wizard of Id is addressing his subjects.
  Carter: Is he up in the balcony?
  Brian: Yes.
  Carter: Then you know it's a good one.
• Peter gets caught using a fake ID with Kathy Bates' picture on it.
  Cashier: (calls his manager) That lady who ate all the pies is back.
• When Carter's eyes have recovered, Dr. Hartman asks him to find Waldo in a Where's Waldo? book.
• "Whatever you're going to say next, I bet it's wrong."
• Woody catching Buzz Lightyear in bed with Bo Peep.
  Bo Peep: Um... you've got a friend in me?
• Peter's commercial for Fat Guys Deodorant.
  Peter: Apply every 5 minutes and you're good for 5 minutes!
• After picking up his dry cleaning, Quagmire tests a bag for autoerotic asphyxiation.
• Peter's violin tutor turns out to be Mr. Washy-Washy. True to form, his teaching methods are basically torture.
  Washy-Washy: YOUR FINGERS AREN'T BLEEDING, YOU NOT TRY HARD ENOUGH!!
• Peter says Lois takes too long to get ready for a night out. The cutway is Lois forcing him to admit it's really him because he doesn't like how he looks.
• Brian gets Stewie to go along with his plan to re-blind Carter by telling him Carter said he didn't think Stewie could be a member of One Direction.
  Stewie: I'm pretty sure you're manipulating me, but let's go blind that old bastard.
• The liquid Stewie uses to blind Carter is just tap water from Flint, Michigan. After he says it, we cut to Stewie punching a poster reading "Things Stewie Can't Say".
• Stewie pulls a lever for a hasty wrap-up to end the subplot.
• The episode ends with a montage of photos of the gang drunk at a wedding reception to "December, 1963 (Oh What A Night)".

283. - The Dating Game

• Throughout the first few scenes, Joe keeps baiting the others to ask about his sister, and they refuse to fall for it.
• "Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, tonight's second story."
• Tom Tucker talking about the Medieval Castle location going out of business.
  Tom: Yeah, it's a surprise that a restaurant where you eat with your hands next to piles of horse manure while untrained theater students fight with real swords is drowning in lawsuits.
• Peter as the only white guy at a White Castle.
  Peter: Misleading name...
• Al Harrington is the auctioneer for the Medieval Castle auction.
  • Harrington mentioning that the Castle is really just a fiberglass front on top of an old muffler store.
• The ridiculous offers Mayor West and Peter makes at the auction, such as two bits (25 cents), a mystery bag that might contain either money or socks, and a box that might contain a mystery bag.
• The gang charges into a lamp store and breaks everything after the owner cancels the store insurance, and the owner kills himself in despair. To add on to the irony, his wife just cancelled her husband's life insurance.
• As the gang prepares to shoot flaming arrows, Peter says "Archers". Carl opens a window and says "Yeah?"
  Peter: Oh right, he's that guy too...
• Dr. Hartman enters reading a Highlights magazine.
  Dr. Hartman: What's the difference between these two pictures? Oh yeah, the pie's had a wedge removed.
• Act one ends with Quagmire asking Scott Baio, Scott Caan, and "douchebag music director" Scott Storch if they knew about Tinder.
  Joe: Quagmire, all the Scotts know about Tinder.
• Quagmire tries to set up a huge detailed Tinder profile, but Peter tells him to put up a selfie of himself wearing an open bathrobe covering his crotch with hundred-dollar bills. He then tries to respond to a Tinder match with a long letter, but Peter tells him to just send a text with the emoticons of an eggplant and an erupting volcano.
• "Alright, everyone take a gander at The Elephant Man."
• A woman in a Porsche Cayenne actually runs over Stewie as she was smelling her farts.
• The montage of Quagmire on Tinder.
  "Note: Quagmire's still having sex. He's just not wearing condoms."
• Quagmire picking yes on "Hot Girl", "Kinda Cute Girl", "Meh Girl", "Might Just Be a Dude", "Definetly a Dude" and "Gerard Deperdieu".
• Quagmire realizes he's hit rock bottom when one of his hookups is a female monster from Where the Wild Things Are.
• Stewie said he had the chance to sit behind home plate in Fenway Park. The next scene is Stewie saying he passed on it.
• By the end of act two, Tinder has turned Quagmire into Gollum.
  Cleveland: The way he's crouching, there's a teste poking out.
• Peter after a day at the beach. He's a got a black eye because he spanked a kid.
• After Peter takes his phone, Quagmire keeps swiping on the microwave door.
• The "Tinder Make You So Gross" song.
• Brian calls the cable company to make them air two hours of Showtime for free.
• The end of the subplot: Stewie with a back brace and a string of chili pepper lights on it.
• Quagmire's Good Angel, Bad Angel fight goes to a second dimension as the Good Quagmire has his own Good and Bad Quagmire.
• The episode ends with Peter, Joe, and Cleveland kicking soccer balls with a $200 prostitute.

284. - Cop And A Half-Wit

• The Terminator, but with him telling people he needs to have sex with their housekeepers to stop Skynet.
  House Owner: I think you're just modern-day Arnold Schwarzenegger.
• Joe's current job at the police station is to edit out security footage of cops peeing all day from the footage from the dashboard cameras. He uses what he edited out for compilations for cops' birthdays.
  • And the station's gerbil outranks him.
• A male pig trying on lipstick at a store and almost getting caught by his wife.
• Peter wipes a booger on the police car's roof saying it's a 70s siren.
• Joe as a magician's assistant in the sawing a man in half trick.
  Joe: (after he can't wiggle his toes) That's what I've been trying to tell you before the show.
• Larry, the Self-Loathing Idiot, glad to learn he has three months to live.
• Peter working out with a punch bag with Dave Matthews' head. After realizing it's not annoying enough, he switches to one with David Lee Roth's head.
• "So these are the wife-beaters of tomorrow."
• A montage of Peter and Joe fighting crime to "No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn" featuring:
  • The boys accidentally kicking open the door of a space shuttle.
  • A section of Peter unzipping himself in disguises (such as a hooker and a truck filled with flat screen televisions), leading to one where they're both each other, then Peter unzipping the background revealing The Simpsons!
  • The last scene from The Naked Gun with Peter and Joe's faces editing out Frank and Nordberg's.
• Mayor Adam West prepares to eat a cobb salad in a briefcase during a press conference.
• Orson Welles deliberately telling people at a McDonalds to flee because the alien invaders said they're coming for them first (but not the staff).
• Peter demands a Discman in the evidence locker. Afterwards, it's revealed he's really Quagmire as a Call-Back of the above montage, but he didn't see it.
• At the start of act three, Peter demands a minute to grab stuff from Joe's house, "like on Supermarket Sweep."
  Peter: Your stuff sucks, I didn't need the full minute.
• After his concussion, Stewie has one pupil larger than the other and thinks a phone is ringing.
• After Chris knocks Stewie unconscious to "let him sleep off his concussion", we get to see Stewie's head trauma dream; he stars in one of the vintage Tootsie Roll commercials.
• The designated Shriver.
  Drunk: Hey, is there a skeleton in a wig who can drive me home?
  Maria Shriver: Yeah, I'm here.
  The Terminator: Look at this mess! Where is the housekeeper?!
• "Ow! They're beating me with vaping accessories!"

285. - Saturated Fat Guy

• Peter says he's not watching Food Kills, the DVD Lois got as a fundraising gift.
• Cleveland watched Tyler Perry's version. "It's the same movie, but starring black actors you've never heard of, and white actors you used to hear of but not anymore."
• The PBS website is "www. double-u double-u double-u dot pbs dot com .com".
  Host: There was a miscommunication when we registered our domain name.
• Droopy after his facelift.
  Droopy: (with a gigantic grin) Contrary to my appearance, I'm still not happy. (aims a gun at his chest) Please study my brain to prevent others from suffering like I have. (iris out, stopping just before he shoots himself)
• "Meg's talking to a boy!"
• The roller derby coach keeps trying to hand Meg various notes and schedules relating to the sport, but he always gives her papers identifying him as a sex offender.
  Coach: I'm just gonna stop handing you stuff.
• The twist in the last M. Night Shamalayan movie: Someone bought tickets for it.
• The comically unhealthy grilled cheese sandwich Peter makes in his car; it contains hot dogs, peanut butter, Doritos and the insides of a Cadbury egg.
• Peter's body rejects quinoa, and we see inside Peter's body that it's being kept out of a nightclub by a bouncer, who lets in two gummy bears dressed in skimpy clothing.
• The roller derby coach asks if there's a couch with wheels trying out because it happened last year. Sure enough, one of the tryouts is a couch with wheels and a wig.
• Peter is confused over whether Donna or Roberta is Cleveland's wife.
• The horn for Peter's "Eat My Junk" food truck is him laughing to the tune of "La Cucaracha".
• Bruce drinking a milkshake with a hot dog as a straw on his knees.
  Peter: I'm glad for the business but you drinking that on your knees is just putting a hat on a hat.
• "This season is brought to you by Barry's Note Cards. When you need to remind yourself of the sponsor, use Barry's Note Cards."
• "Make some noise if you're mixing prescription drugs with alcohol!"
• Peter giving Chris a bowl of cereal that's just M&Ms and Dr. Pepper.
• Chris as a skeet shooting target.
  Skeet Shooter: Pull!
  Chris: I got in the wrong line! (skeet shooter shoots him)
• Peter thinking of a picture of Bridgitte Nielsen smoking in a park.
• Chris stabs himself in the neck with a pair of scissors after Peter says he runs like a girl. Then we cut to his funeral, where Peter buried him in a dress.
  Peter: Run like a man, you get a suit.
• Joe pointing out that Peter has put on weight while living in the food truck because his elbows are starting to pucker.
• The gang getting excited over the Bing street view car driving past their street.
• Morgan Freeman narrates the end of both plots: No one watched the second half of the roller derby finals because they were all watching a fat kid play DanceDanceRevolution and Peter was immortalized on Bing street view naked, hanging from a harness, and getting hosed clean.
  Freeman: Dance, you fat bitch.

286. - Peter's Lost Youth

• Peter tuning a guitar in front of an audience.
  Peter: This was in perfect tune when they handed it to me.
• Peter on an airport luggage carousel. He gets picked up and mistaken for a similar Peter wearing a red bowtie.
• Joe tries to bribe Peter for the spare ticket with the Discman he wanted two episodes ago. It's still bloody.
• Peter's tough decision about what to do with that watermelon he bought. He turned it into a pair of pants and a hat. Angela at work compliments it.
• When Brian gives Peter good advice about who to bring to Boston (Lois), Peter rewards him with three new tennis balls. Brian is absolutely thrilled.
  Brian: I'MA GET EM ALL I'MA GET EM ALL!!
• Lois telling the kids that one of the reasons she's going with Peter to Boston is to get time away from "you life-sucking turds".
• "I'm gonna flush your retainer down the toilet."
• Peter gives Lois his Discover card, which has a print of the Minions on it.
• David Ortiz picks up Wade Boggs like a baby, then Peter puts a bonnet on Wade and a cigar in his mouth.
  Peter: Man, what happened to our game?
• "Over there is where I threw a D-cell battery at Jose Canseco."
• The only thing left on Peter's bucket list is living the Pueblo lifestyle.
  Peter: Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go lick a fleshy pale woman's foot for Real Sex 34.
• Stewie writing erotic Dora the Explorer fanfiction.
• "That's funny 'cause she's hot."
• Peter's pants keep falling down when he moves too quickly.
• Brian says he can't help Stewie because he ate a pot cookie. It kicks in after he says this.
• All the players' ex-wives are a holding a banquet next door to the hall-of-famers' banquet.
• The hall-of-famers wants Lois to sit with them because she's the only one there without a fist full of baseball cards for them to sign.
  Peter: I wasn't gonna have 'em signed, I was just gonna tell 'em their stats...
• Lois is seated between Pedro Martinez and Ted Williams severed head.
• Stewie slits open a dead horse for warmth. At a petting zoo.
  Stewie: Sorry, I forgot my jacket.
• "I'll show you baseball, you sexually unsatisfied wife!"
• At the end of act two, Peter says he's going to be on Sports Center. In the cutaway that follows, he's streaking on the set.
  Peter: STREAKING, UNRELATED!
• The arena physician doesn't have any medical training beyond telling the players to "walk it off".
• Peter doing the Pete Rose Haircut.
  Peter: I bet you a thousand bucks I have a drinking problem.
• Peter becomes addicted to chewing gum that comes with baseball cards.
  Peter: Mmm, it's like eating a Master Card.
• "Subway: Please don't think of pedophilia!"
• Brian's car radio is set to the Sirius XM preview station.
• "You know what I'm getting tired of saying? 'My husband did this to me, but it's not what you think.'"
• "Crap, now we gotta find Stewie and write a puppet show!"
• As Peter runs to first base, his brain gets a phone call from his muscle saying they're shutting him down.
  Chris: Look, dad's planking from eight years ago.
• Peter narrates what happened after his at bat: No one saw it because the third baseman had a coronary, and as they drove home, the puppet show the kids performed caused Peter to crash his car, injuring Lois' other leg.

287. - The Peter Principal

• Sesame Street on HBO: Cookie Monster eating out Big Bird's ass in his trademark "nom-nom" style.
• Joe explains that "In The Air Tonight" is about a guy watching another guy drown and that Phil Collins wrote it and performed it so they could arrest the guy. Then he checks Snopes and says that none of that happened.
• Brian complaining about how he can't focus on writing with all the noise in the neighborhood.
  Stewie: Oh yes, that's what Ernest Hemingway said. "This Spanish Civil War is so loud, I can't get any writing done!"
• The entire cutaway of Brian on the Night's Watch.
  Peter: Hey Brian, I'm that boring storyline about the fat guy watching that girl.
• Meg finds the Ark of the Covenant in her locker and her face melts.
  Bully: Haha, Meg is so stupid, she couldn't handle the glory of God's love!
• Principal Shepherd is going through a nasty divorce and brings his problems to school. Among other things, he's sleeping in his car and has a breakdown over having listened to his wife having sex with the ADT guy over the phone when she butt-dialed him.
• At the PTA meeting, Peter gives another guy his pre-chewed gum.
• Peter leading Simon Says.
  Peter: (to Art Garfunkel) Simon says "leave the band."
• George Takei's unconvincing attempts at looking straight back when he was still in the closet.
• When Peter introduces himself as interim principal, he does the Ice Bucket Challenge. Three years after it stopped being relevant, which is just in time for a principal.
  Peter: This is for you, guy who's probably already dead.
• Peter gets the kids to join in "an expertly choreographed lip-dub to a popular song". The song they choose is "Uptown Funk", until Peter trips and falls backward down a staircase. The song continues for a few seconds after Peter's head starts bleeding.
• In the subplot, Stewie and Brian start a bed and breakfast, only to realize that their only customers are guys who rent rooms to have sex with hookers. Stewie decides to just embrace it and turn the place into a brothel. Brian refuses but immediately changes his mind when Stewie shows him a stack of money. Adam West is watching Brian agree to it in mid-sentence in his comedy crystal ball.
  Adam West: Haha, I'm telling you that dog is very easily persuaded. Now let's see what's going on over at the old high-school!
• Peter attempting to smash a desk with a baseball bat, but ends up knocking the whole shelf over and the whole display turns into him trying desperately to stand back up while slipping on the bats on the floor. At one point, his shirt gets torn off when it gets caught on a shelf hook.
• Peter telling a kid to salute the American flag.
  Peter: Loads of people fought for that thing, including yours truly!
  Kid: You were in the service?
  Peter: ...I may have misunderstood what "yours truly" means.
• Peter's 1980s crime series, Gary Ratowski: Hockey Cop.
  Peter: Uh oh, here come the real cops.
  Narrator: Hockey Cop: Not A Cop!
• Brian trying to deliver pizza in New Orleans when a marching jazz band blocks his way.
  Band: We're all just blocking the street, we're all just blocking the street!
  • Brian eventually gets so sick of it that he throws the pizza to the street and joins the band.
• Peter as a placekicker fist bumping black guys.
• Brian and Stewie's business venture ends when the prostitutes decide to just take over the house and locks them out. In response, Stewie calls the cops on them, and the two watch the chaos from across the street.
• "Most of what America is now is just boxes going back and forth."
• Peter says next time he'll get back at bullies by fighting them in a parking lot.
  Peter: I'm planning on dying tonight. (punches himself in the face) What are your plans?

288. - Dearly Deported

• Peter takes acid from a water park ride operator, thinking it's a Starburst.
  Ride Operator: Would you also like to ride the Skittles rainbow?
  Peter: Is it also acid?
  Ride Operator: Sir, I'm an adult who works at a waterpark. If I give you something, it's acid.
• Brian and Meg ride a water slide together and Brian somehow ends up with his mouth in Meg's face.
  Adam West: Hey, you idiot, you gotta wait until the guy says go!
• The Griffin's trip to Philadelphia: the flight got cancelled and everyone cheers.
  Caption: "This joke in loving memory of W.C. Fields"
• Chris tries to talk to Isabella in what he thinks is her native language. However, he's speaking Korean. He then turns to the camera and says "that went well" in Korean. Cut to a live-action clip of a Korean family laughing.
• Chris thinks the knocking on the window is Herbert.
  Herbert: It's not me, I'm in your closet!
• Since Isabella's being deported, she gives her twins to Chris because Consuela is busy working as the new CEO of Yahoo.
• At the end of act one, Chris names the twins "Juan" and "Two".
  Peter: ''(holding a book titled "Name Jokes For Mexicans") I'm glad he's reading the book.
• Meg says Peter's reading the newspaper upside-down. Actually, Peter's head is upside-down.
• Stewie working at the diner in the painting "Nighthawks".
  Stewie: They kicked me out of the War for kissing a guy.
• Chris takes the twins to Whole Foods to buy healthy groceries, but when the tab ends up being 500$, Chris says they're just going to go to Jersey Mike's and hope future science will save them instead. Cut to the distant future where the twins and Chris are disembodied heads on robot bodies.
  Chris: Yay, we're jar people! (trips and his jar smashes open, causing his face to shrivel) AHHH! Science, help!!
  Commercial Host: Jersey Mike's! Bring your girlfriend with the fat ass in here!
• CSI: Babies, a show about babies freaking out near a dead body. It freaks out Stewie to the point where he hides in a pillow fort and finds Peter for the same reason.
  Stewie: They can't solve this crime, they're just babies! They don't even know there's a crime, they just know their parents aren't there!
• "I got good news and I got ay-ay-ay news"
• Peter hosting a confusing game show.
• The Griffins drive to Mexico using the wrong stock footage.
• Isabellas home village is named "Santa Terrible". The name is very apt.
• Peter tries to summon El Chapo by speaking about eyebrows into the wind. It doesn't work, he gets Peter Gallagher and Mark Cuban instead.
  Peter: We're getting all the wrong eyebrow guys!
• The last time Quagmire was out of town, Peter had to watch Quagmire's eggs and ended up being ambushed by mongeese.
• After the mexican police steals their plane and car, Peter calls him a "fat, stupid guido". When Lois points out thats the wrong racial slur, he says that he was thinking of Snookie.
• "Yeah, Donald Trump was right. His daughter is a hot piece of ass."
• Chris covering for Peter's vehicular manslaughter.
• Consuela is able to find the gang because the babies' ears where chipped for Consuela's "Donde Esta Mi Baby?" app. Also, it turns out they had managed to wander into Texas completely by accident. Quagmire points out that, politics aside, that is a problem.
  • On the drive home, they took a detour to Dollywood.
• At the end, the entire family is ambushed by mongeese, who then steal the TV.

289. - A House Full of Peters

• The episode starts with a commercial for Fruit Bouquets to send to someone you hate.
  Commercial Host: Fruit Bouquets, the rotting gift with flies on it!
  • Later on, Stewie sends Brian one for his birthday.
• Lois left a list of hot commercial chicks in case Peter wants to know who that hot AT&T chick is. ^note  Her name's Milana Vayntrub, by the way.
• Mrs. Butterworth's husband complains about how they didn't take his last name.
• When Donna prank calls Cleveland, he's sitting on the toilet, crying and eating an entire pie.
  Cleveland: You're weak, Cleveland! Worthless and weak!
  • Donna pretends to be Michelle Obama when calling.
  • After the prank, Cleveland resumes crying before saying, "I used to have my own show!"
• "Hello. Don't say anything about the 1998 Oscars, I'm watching it right now."
• Peter as an NFL announcer trying to care about what's on after the game.
  Peter: Madam Secretary, on toning at 10. *sighs* Is this the longest timeout ever?
• Peter asking Lois if she's drunk enough to let him have "lazy Tony Soprano sex" where he just lies there and breathes like a dying whale.
• A bag of Pop Secret tells Chris Orville Redenbacher and his son are gay. He doesn't believe it under Peter shows them kissing to Chris.
  Explanation Man: And that's how we get the expression "Gay as a bag of popcorn."
• Peter impersonating a dial-up modem and the "You've Got Mail" voice.
• Peter mentoring Kid Rock.
  Kid Rock: I just took a leak into a beer can without spilling.
  Peter: You're ready. You don't need me anymore.
  Kid Rock: Will I ever see you again?
  Peter: Wherever a father weighs less than his daughter, I'll be there. Wherever a person has a banner for a football team, I'll be there. Wherever there's a fight in a Waffle House, I'll be there! Now go, people need a concert to go to after the waterpark!
• At the end of act one, an ostrich is amongst Peter's children because he's at the wrong house. A group of ostriches laugh at this.
• Peter and his kids fart the notes from Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
• Stewie shoe-shames Peter's Bavarian son. He gets it because "WHAT ARE THOSE?!" just reached Germany.
• Lois is depressed and being followed by a blob in old Zoloft commercials.
  Blob: Who would want to fuck me?
• Larry apologizing for doodling swastikas on the place mat at lunch due to being nervous.
  Lois: I just wish we hadn't gone to a kosher restaurant.
• One of Peter's kids is visibly mentally impaired, and Stewie comments that he doesn't blink a lot. He's also so tall that he hits his head against the entryway on his way out of the kitchen, slightly breaking it.
• After Lois explains that he kissed Peter's son Larry, Brian tries to lick her.
  Brian: Sorry, I thought you meant like, you're open for business?
  Lois: NO!! I'm confiding in a friend!
  Stewie: Haha! You're the safe friend!
• "From that day forward, Peter and Lois never... oops, there's another scene left."
• At the end, we see a sewer filled with alligators and rats, all of which laugh like Peter.
  Alligator/Rat/Peter Hybrid: We have fun down here.

Season Sixteen

290. - Emmy-Winning Episode

• Vedder Call Saul, where Eddie Vedder calls Saul, singing throughout.
• Peter has everyone fart and vomit before the Comedy sequence.
• Peter pointing out how offensive the minority characters on a lot of Emmy-winning shows are after Sofia Vergara makes a joke about her cousin living in the Amazon and making shoes made from leaves.
  • Sofia Vergara replaces Lois for the role of Lois, and Lois is demoted to playing a random UPS delivery woman. She's obviously furious but when she threatens Peter if he tries touching Vergara, he just slams the door in her face.
• Chris, as Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory waits for the laughter to die down... even though no one's laughing.
• In a parody of Transparent, Peter decides to undergo gender-reassignment surgery. Quagmire, who doesn't seem to have really grasped what they're doing, wonders if he's driving his friends and family to this since his dad had already undergone the same operation.
  • And instead of the Drunken Clam, everyone is hanging out at Cheers!
• Stewie and Brian are Mitchell and Cameron from Modern Family. Stewie claims Brian is mad because he has to be "the lady one".
• The Live Studio Ostrich in a grad cap and nerd glasses.
  Peter: Just look how smart our audience is!
  Ostrich: Hahaa!
• Peter wipes the "For Your Emmy Consideration: Meg Griffin" tag on screen.
  Peter: We don't want one that bad.
  • And what show is Meg copying? Girls.
    Meg: (sitting in a bathtub) You've given me the courage to eat this cake in a weird place.
• The Emmy Commission hated act one so much, they awarded them a Negative Emmy, so now the show owes them an Emmy.
• Peter says that Robot Chicken is "four minutes of something that breaks up personal injury ads at 1 AM."
  Peter: It's what 10-year olds watched in 2006.
• After the death of Adam West, it seemed like any line could be his last. Here was the first of those possible lines.
  Cleveland: You Five-O?
  Mayor Adam West: No, I'm 87, but how flattering!
• A cutaway featuring the old lady from Downton Abbey's eyeballs wins an Emmy for "Best Cutaway". Even funnier, this cutaway is animated in a style similar to the classic Monty Python stop-motion segments. According to her, her eyeballs move independently so she can see all the awards flying at her.
• Cleveland tells Peter to kill a kid so that viewers can ask if the characters actually killed a kid. Later, during a shootout, they do kill a kid, who for some reason is shooting at them alongside the gang members and is riding a big wheel.
• These three title cards:
  I didn't want to go to her soccer game either.
  Oops, that was meant to be a text for my wife.
  12 HOURS LATER?
• Breaking Bad!Lois reveals that "she's much darker" than Peter and the viewers ever thought, and they have to kill Joe and take back their drug money becaue she doesn't want to go back to using regular Hulu instead of Hulu Plus.
  Peter: We don't even watch that much Hulu!
  Lois: I STILL WANT IT JUST IN CASE!!
• At the end of the Drama sequence, we see a couple watching it and deciding to watch it, based on their diversity. Then we see a dragon, who liked it. THEN we learn the dragon's the husband.
• Peter begins his quest for any Emmy by declaring "Best Stunt Performance" and throwing Brian through the window. Then he learns there's no category for that and declares "Best Documentary" and throws Stewie out the window.
• Peter on Project Runway is told that he's out. Not out of the show, his dick is hanging out of his pants.
• Peter think Alec Baldwin is the Michelin Man.
• The episode ends with Peter announcing a "live-action chicken fight featuring Ty Burrell." Cue Ty strangling a rubber chicken, then being handed an Emmy.
  Ty: I don't have any more room in my house.

291. - Foxx in the Men House

• Chris calling Stewie out on his needless pessimism:
  Stewie: Ugh. You know later, we're going to have to take one of those forced happiness family photos that come in the restaurant's tacky frame.
  Chris: Why are you so fucking negative all the time?
  Stewie: I, uh, what, I don't, uh... what?
• The Griffins courtside at an NBA game: A player trips and lands on them, and somehow, Lois and Meg get pregnant.
• Peter tries to figure out a product obscure and useless enough that Anthropologie doesn't have it in stock. First, he tries a $4,000 ping-pong table shaped like Easter Island (they have it), then a decorative phone made out of shredded phonebooks (they have it). When the clerk tells him he won't be able to think of a useless enough product, he points out one thing they don't have: black customers. She promptly melts like The Wicked Witch of The West.
  Clerk: Ahhh, I'm melting!
  • The disclaimer: Actual Anthropologie Item
  • Finally able to sneak into the Anthropologie women's bathroom, Peter uses a stall reserved for Meryl Streep, figuring that there's no way she'll show up. Suddenly a pair of women's feet appear outside the stall.
    Lois: (Peter walks out of the bathroom bruised and beaten) Let me guess, you got your ass kicked by Meryl Streep?
    Peter: No, it was just some low-class Cockney woman from the mid-1800's- (gasps) OH MY GOD! (tears up) She. Is. Amazing!
    Lois: Thank you! (pulls off a mask, revealing she's actually Meryl Streep, and hits Peter in the head with an Oscar statue) Now stay out of my crapper!
    (the scene pulls out, revealing the Oscar ceremonies where Streep wins another Oscar for the previous scene)
• At Wimbledon, the ladies' room has two stalls facing each other. The women in the stalls grunt as if they were playing tennis.
  Peter: Deuce.
• After binging the first season of House of Cards (US) on an iPad, Peter wants to know where the house of cards was.
  Stewie: By the way, you're down to 5% battery.
  • While Peter is being tended to by a paramedic after falling and smashing his head on the bathroom sink, Stewie intercepts a text from Lois.
    Stewie: Lois just sent a text; "hamburgers or meatballs for dinner?" (writes) Same thing, bitch! just different shapes! (several text replies pop up) Oh ho, this is gonna be fun- oh, the battery died.
• Peter is very impressed by the paramedic who saved him, and asks if he's the coolest guy ever.
  Paramedic: Nah, thats just a silly title they gave me down at the "Karate Paintball Dirtbike Club".
• As a rookie firefighter, Peter managed to slide up a fire pole.
• Peter and Striker discover they have two halves of the same friendship coin necklace. Striker asks if Peter is "Cody", and Peter reveals that was probably the name of the dead surfer he found his half on.
• Brian complains that the Olympics always uses football announcers for sports they don't know about.
  Announcer: (For a swimming event) And it looks like Canada won- oh wait, they're going back the other way.
• Peter dresses up in a ridiculously flashy outfit, including a silk shirt with a tiger print.
  Peter: How do I look?
  Lois: Like a gas station energy drink.
• Peter riding a roller coaster that's basically a single loop. He vomits and keeps catching it.
• Stryker introduces Peter to George Clooney from 1997, "The coolest George Clooney ever".
  George: George Clooney, second-worst Batman.
  Peter: Peter Griffin, second-best Homer.
• The cutaway of Peter in Santa Fe, watching the sunset with someone else who had a meltdown in public.
• "In 2013, Kathleen Turner retired from acting to focus full time on stealing other people's stromboli."
• After Stryker dies in a wingsuit crash, Peter knows he's going to have to identify the body. We then cut to him identifying Stryker as a bowl of tomato soup. Another dead body nearby died in a fire and looks like a grilled cheese sandwich.
• Peter doing Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee with Jerry Seinfeld.
  Peter: Why did your wife steal that cookbook?
• There's a quick subplot involving Stewie's photography club. All of the other members are known pedophiles. And he invited them for a sleepover.
• Peter, flying in his wingsuit, crashes into a Canadian goose who tells him "Look out, eh?", then hits a tree and falls down hitting every branch along the way. When he lands, he gets hit in the groin with a bag of nickels.
• At the end, Peter learns the entire episode was All Just a Dream (The fact that he met 1997 George Clooney should have been a giveaway). The gang then dances at a Mexican prom on ecstasy.
  Peter: I'm Peter Griffin, and those are my stories.

292. - Nanny Goats

• The episode begins with Peter complaining The Last Man on Earth is no longer Exactly What It Says on the Tin anymore.
  Announcer: We now return to The Last Man On Earth and These Other Sixteen Characters With More Showing up Every Day
• Peter bought a bunch of goats to mow the lawn on Craigslist. He then muses that must be one hell of a list. Cut to a guy named Craig literally having to write down everything on sale, which is being yelled at him from the other room by an old woman.
  Woman: Everyone's grandpa's golf clubs!
  Craig: Is that it?
  Woman: NO! Gay sex!
  Craig: What kind?
  Woman: ALL OF IT!!
• It taking a enitre day for Peter to realize Barbara Pewterschmidt called him a child.
  Barbara: You're completely overwhelmed and you have four children.
  Peter: Hehe four children.
  Peter: (going to bed) Hehehe, four children.
  Peter: (brushing teeth) Hehehe, four children.
  Peter: (at Work) Hehehe, four children.
  Peter: (driving home from work) Hehehe, four children...Hey!
• Top Gun with public domain music.
• This:
  Peter: You know, I forgot about this weekend trip. Is that something we still want to do?
  Lois: Well, I do if you do.
  Peter: Absolutely I do. I was just seeing if you do.
  Lois: Of course I do. I mean, we've already had six nights out together. It'd be great to have three more.
  Peter: That's what I'm saying. That's what any guy wants, the same gal again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again...*fade to next scene*...and again and again and again and again and again, and again.
  Lois: And every gal wants the same guy who keeps getting fatter and fatter and fatter and fatter—
  Peter: Stop it right there, Lois. This is Family Guy. We only do the male side of the joke.
• The Griffins' maid has been sent to assassinate Fievel, who's been living at the house under an American name. Mickey Mouse got to him first by making his car explode.
  Mickey: Tough break, Jew mouse. Ho-ho!
  • After the sketch, Peter appears, talking about how satire allows for use of copyrighted characters as long as it's used for commentary.
    Peter: So here's the commentary: Mickey Mouse hates jews. Now let's see what that new nanny is up to!
• Natalia reads Goodnight Moon of Chernobyl, which gets dark fast.
  Natalia: Goodnight, Chernobyl moon. Goodnight, radiation house. Goodnight, melted phone. Goodnight, glowing milk. Goodnight, bleeding grandpa's eyes. Goodnight, two-headed cat. Goodnight, nobody. Goodnight, blocks and blocks and blocks of nobody. Next book, Everybody Poops... Blood.
• Peter breaking the world record for longest nasal breath at a Tina Fey movie.
• Peter wants to make love like a hippo (he even flooded the trunk), but Lois forgot to bring the lettuce. There's a car with two hippos next to them, but he remembered the lettuce.
• Peter and Lois having "independent movie sex" to "Walking On Sunshine" in German. They're interrupted by a phone call telling Peter he's been assassinated.
• A drunk Peter somehow made Natalia watch an episode of Diff'rent Strokes which starred Kareem-Abdul Jabar.
• Cleveland tells Brian he has dibs on everything Peter lost interest in. He then flies the "Clevelandcopter" (The Petercopter remade to look like Cleveland), but crashes into the Griffins' house because the moustache obscures the windshield.
• Peter gives a nasal breath that fogs the screen after Lois takes forever looking for driving directions in her purse and makes them miss the exit. He then wipes two holes on the fog for his eyes.
• The entire Natalia action sequence (she's been tracked down by a security team from Belarus), ending with Natalia throwing Stewie off a plane with a parachute.
  Natalia: Count to three, then pull cord.
  Stewie: I don't know my numbers!
  (cut to Stewie landing safely on the front doorstep of the Griffins')
  Stewie: (excited) Again, again!
• Lois and Peter getting into an argument over Peter's weight.
  Peter: Oh, I'm so sorry I'm not Bradley Hooper!
  Lois: It's COOPER, not Hooper! You're thinking of Mr. Hooper on Sesame Street, and I'd sooner bang him! He was a business owner! He was a successful man!
• The last lines of the episode.
  Brian: So, how was the trip?
  (Lois and Peter laugh; Smash to Black)
  Peter: Terrible. Just terrible.

293. - Follow The Money

• The episode begins with Carter sending the dollar bill we're following in this episode in a birthday card to Chris. He jokes about not spending it all in one place and writes "ha" so much, he has to finish it on the back of the card.
  • While leaving the store and talking to Cleveland, we hear dramatic background chiming, only for the camera to pan out and show it's coming from Johnny Windchimes, the World's Worst Accomplice (and former cutaway gag).
    Johnny: Sorry, it's my chimes!
• Chris wanted a surprise party, but he's misunderstood what "surprise party" means; he's tackling the guests and yelling surprise.
  • Though Chris is disappointed by Carter only sending him a single dollar, Lois tells him to write a thank-you note anyway "because that will is still wide open".
• "29 more cents and I can download 'My Sharona' on iTunes!"
  Stewie: Boy, that guy did not want to share his Sharona.
• Peter practicing to be a radio DJ while driving.
  • Afterwards, he stops at McBurgertown for his "second breakfast", and asks what would be the easiest meal to eat while driving; he chooses a sloppy egg dish (which he eats with his hands) and an orange soda with no cup.
• Tom Tucker gets the dollar in exchange for an American Red Cross charity stand he stole from a dry-cleaner that wouldn't post a headshot of him.
• Ernie the giant chicken's wife catches him and Lois having coffee. This causes the girls to have... a slap fight with other.
  Jesus: Awesome, a chick-chicken chick fight.
  Live Studio Ostrich: Ah ha!
• Seamus telling the "Aristocrats" joke to a flock of pigeons.
  Pigeon: *coos*
  Seamus: Ah, I told it wrong.
• At the end of act one, we learn that the dollar bill is a misprint because it has George Washington and Benjamin Franklin on the front, "posing like an 80s sitcom." It was currently in the hands of Meg. Realizing she has a rare opportunity to get the last joke before the commercial, she starts, but an announcer beats her to it.
  Meg: Last line!
  Announcer: No, it isn't.
• Dr. Hartman confuses the song "Sister Christian" is "Tequila".
• In what's currently Mayor Adam West's last scene, he's giving a ride to the rat who had the dollar bill at the time.
  Mayor Adam West: You're right, we could be a Geico commerical!
  • West is riding a hoverboard, and crashes when he attempts to turn slightly.
• The dollar bill drifts down the sidewalk after being blown away by the wind, and passes several one-shot gag characters whose jokes were based on their arms, such as the man with super-long arms who tickled midgets in a tree back in season 1, the T-Rex whose arms are too short to masturbate with and the Wacky Inflatable Waving Arm Flailing Tube Man. At the end, it passes by Fouad, the foreign guy who explains all the jokes he sees.
  Fouad: Hohoo, is many funny arms!
• Mr. Washy-Washy is seen in Dr. Hartman's "drug den", and he's walking around throwing firecrackers.
• After failing to throw a penny in a shot glass, Peter pulls out a lightsaber and destroys the place.
  • Two Stormtroopers are walking in from the bathroom, and run off when they see the carnage.
• Carter and Chris find the bill at the place where dollar bills go to die, a strip club.
• At the end, Ellen Degeneres takes a selfie of everyone in this episode. A caption then appears, saying "The guy who said 'Phony!' was cut for time."
  Guy: Hey, I'm right here! That caption's a phony!

294. - Three Directors

A. Peter Gets Fired, Vol. 1 (Quentin Tarantino)

• Peter talks about how out of the hundreds of directors they asked to do the anthology, these three did not immediately say no. However, he did also get a message from Paul Verhoeven that was just Scandinavian gibberish, so he has no idea what he said.
• Peter asks a coworker what he brought for lunch. When he says he brought pizza (and specifies it's takeout pizza), Peter shoots him and steals it.
• Christopher Waltz fires Peter in a weird accent.
• After Peter wakes up in "whatever year Quentin Tarantino stopped watching television", Dr. Hartman says he can slash his eyes with a scalpel.
• For the Kill Bill sequence, Peter does the entire thing as Ronald McDonald. Also, the ninjas he's facing all are Tricia Takanawa because she's the only recurring Asian.
  • He's about to put on the Kill Bill tracksuit, but picks the Ronald McDonald costume instead. Also, instead of a katana, he has the sword from Thunder Cats.
• Cleveland assists Peter in his revenge.
  Cleveland: Do you have the need for a wet-haired black guy who sometimes TALKS LOUDER THAN NECESSARY?!
• Peter's car alarm is the theme to Ironside.
• After slicing Angela in half, her blood spits out like a fountain to La donna e mobile.
  Peter: Opera music makes violence classy.
• At the end of this story, Peter opens the keg re claimed back to see what's inside... and cut straight to a credit while "What's New, Pussycat?" plays.

B. Wes Anderson Presents "Peter Gets Fired" (Wes Anderson)

• Peter introduces Wes Anderson as the guy who makes movies "that makes you feel like you ate a pot brownie and woke up in a greeting card".
• Peter got fired by a card in calligraphy. He doesn't understand it because he "can't read spaghetti".
• The Griffin's house for the story is a dollhouse in a vintage army tent in a decommissioned submarine in an airplane hangar. Then it changes to a lighthouse.
• Chris is a combination escape artist and medical researcher. He performs his jobs on a boat where Herbert is his first mate.
  Herbert: *while Chris is hanging upside down in the water tank* Wanna do a Spiderman kiss?
  • Brian has become a pickleball champion, mainly by filing grievances against the other players.
• The subplot for this story is them putting on a stage version of Max Dugan Returns. It's short (only two lines) and everyone loves it.
  Peter: This took a lot of work!
• In this story, Peter dies playing Pokémon GO and is buried while a German version of "I Got You, Babe" plays.
  Sign On Cemetary Gate: "Thanks for watching, white people"

C. Michael Bay's Peter Gets Fired (Michael Bay)

• Before this story, Peter says that Michael Bay sprouted from a piece of beef jerky planted near the Hollywood sign and watered by Red Bull.
• The hilariously over-the-top Testosterone Poisoning design of the segment, almost every male character is insanely ripped, and every female character is dressed like a stripper.
• In Adam West's new second-to-last scene (who's the President in the movie), he's surprised to learn about the Hagia Sophia and it has a strange name.
• "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go change my mind while I take a shower."
  • Also, Peter is showering on top of a motorcycle.
  • While riding out, Carter says he wants to ride on the back sideways like a Vietnamese women.
• Peter and Quagmire shaking hands like tough guys.
  Peter: Some of your sweat went in my mouth.
• The Decepticon attack.
  Megatron: We came from outer space to step on church stuff!
• Joe and Cleveland plug their devices while looking for the Decepticons.
• The credits end with Peter asking Lois which story was her favorite. She says she didn't care.

295. The D In Apartment 23

• This episode begins with Brian not driving Stewie to the public library for storytime. They were going to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar vs. The Human Centipede.
  Stewie: It's like Alien vs. Predator but with a little more butt eating.
• Meg's one-woman show, where she sings "I Love Trash". Peter wonders whose fault this is (while wearing a trash bag as a cape which Lois points out). Oscar the Grouch is sitting next to them and he likes it.
• Stewie watching a hotshot lawyer in a montage from a movie. Then the lawyer gets shot.
  Stewie: Ah, he found it! *the lawyer runs out of the library in triumph, but gets shot by an unseen sniper* Oh no, wait, it's a 70's movie.
• After Brian sends his first tweet in a while, he notices that the protest group he was trying to impress is gone. And so have the animators, leaving him in an empty void.
• Brian asks Stewie for an opinion on a tweet.
  Stewie: Oh don't be that guy.
• Peter ordering shepherd's pie at a restaurant, even though it's not on the menu. He also asks for a lightsaber and twirls it as he eats the shepherd's pie.
  Peter: Remember when we did Star Wars?
• The only person who didn't reply negatively to Brian's tweet about Ride Along 3 is Peter, who wanted to see the Baywatch movie.
• Peter has been repeatedly trolling Dick's Sporting Goods because of the name.
• Lois getting shunned by the staff at the grocery store, to the point that she's brought to tears.
  Lois: You can't freeze me out like this! We're on a first name basis!
  Employee: They're on our nametags.
  Lois: But I don't even have to look! (crying) I don't even have to LOOK!
• Meg and Chris recreate the church scene from Kingsman: The Secret Service by fighting everyone in the cafeteria after trying to explain that the tweet was a joke. It's just as over-the-top violent and also uses Freebird as background music.
• As part of an angry mob surrounding the house, Seamus asks Lois to change the channel to the Canucks game.
• Brian's apology is frequently interrupted by people correcting him, including a man who associates himself with a basketball, a parrot, and a Grammar Nazi. And it's only the first sentence.
  • Before that, Quagmire boos him.
• "Does this slow pan of our disapproving faces answer your question?"
• Before Brian leaves, Stewie takes his collar because it has their address.
  • The first song he plays on the radio after driving: "Pac-Man Fever".
• The only rule at Brian's new apartment complex is "don't kiss the mailman."
  Brian: I don't think that's gonna be a problem.
  Manager: You haven't seen him, so don't say that yet.
  • The bathroom door in Brian's apartment doesn't open all the way because the toilet is too close, and every light he turns on immediately burns out.
• The episode ends with Brian sitting in the dark eating instant mac and cheese while listening to Wheel of Fortune from the next apartment and guessing letters.

296. - Petey IV

• At the beginning, Jeff Probst narrates what happened in the previous episode in the style of Survivor.
  Peter: You're the only guy in America who looks good in sandals and cargo shorts.
• Ringo Starr is from the future. He says he'll tell the other Beatles who he'll outlive if they do "Octopus' Garden".
  George Harrisson: Before you tell us, I'm gonna go smoke a thousand cigarettes.
  John Lennon: And I'm gonna move to New York and walk out of my building at night.
• The Griffins re-enacting the Polaner All Fruit commercial. Then Peter gives a commentary on the real commercial to anyone who didn't get it. He also points out how weird it is that the family in the commercial are shocked at the "jelly" guys uncultured speech, since if he's part of the family, they should already know how he talks.
  • Later on, they do it again with Aspic.
  Peter: Now are you glad we did all that earlier?
• Scottie Pippen followed the gang to the Quahog Mini-Mart.
  Pippen: When I was a baby, they pulled me out of my mama reaaaal slooow.
• Peter finds a Russian bootleg copy of Rocky IV but complains that the text is written in "terrorism".
• Captain America: Civil Union
• Brian gets a job at a suicide hotline. His first call is from Stewie who mocks him for it.
• When Putin enters the Griffins' house, he says he "George Brett himself on the plane ride."
  Peter: You can Google that during the commercial.
• After Putin says "Hello, is it me you're looking for?", Lionel Richie gets a royalty check.
• Putin and the gang hold up traffic while all of them are shirtless on horseback.
  Peter: This feels good on my drunk chest.
  • According to Putin, there is no Russian word for "friend".
• Peter heads to Russia because Brigitte Nielsen is chasing him. She tries to hold on to a plane but slips. Meanwhile, Chris prays for someone like her as she lands... in Herbert's house.
  Herbert: I think we got our prayers crossed! (A boy falls through the roof and lands in Chris' room)
• "Wow, Russia has the hottest and ugliest women in the world. All tens and ones."
• Brian falls down some stairs and licks his leg to try and heal it.
• Peter is confused for Kevin James at the fight at the end of the episode.
• At the end, Peter and Putin do a dance to "Say You, Say Me" by Lionel Richie. Then Peter says he was poisoned with radioactive tea on the ride to the airport home.

297. - Crimes And Meg's Demeanor

• The episode begins with Peter telling Meg there are no possums in the backyard she can kiss.
• Peter sees and waves at a guy who was waving at everyone but him.
• Brian is spying on the apartment next door. He sees a family of kids (even the parents), married wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing people welcoming a baby, and the fake party from Home Alone.
  • He even sees Quagmire having sex with a woman. It turns out the woman is married and he is happy to see Quagmire get in trouble. However, Quagmire figured this out and planned an escape plan with a plane and grappling hook. Quagmire then notices Brian and flips him off. Brian admits that was good.
• At the party Meg and her friends crash, the electronic music is being played by the Old-Timey Piano Player.
• Peter, Lois, and Meg watching the ending of The Usual Suspects.
  Peter: (gasp) He was gay the whole time!
• At dinner, Meg gets to sit next to Peter after she got in trouble at school by saying an acapella group of chubby transgendered kids should be called "The Trans Fats".
• Lois knows Meg has started drinking because she found a Taco Bell bag in her room. This leads to Peter falling to his knees and doing a despondent Skyward Scream.
• After a screen-flip, the living room is upside-down. Peter and Lois fall to what's now the floor.
  Peter: Son of a bitch, what was that?!
  Lois: I don't know, someone must have messed something up.
• Peter dealing with the flush of a high-powered toilet, which sucks down his clothes and glasses.
• When Brian calls the police, saying he thinks Principal Shepard killed his wife, Joe tries to invite him to a Rodan & Fields cosmetics sales party.
  • When asked for proof, Brian claims he has something better than proof: "Rank suspicion born out of boredom and loneliness".
  • Brian also calls Stewie, who seems to be at a party, only for the viewer to see he's just playing crowd noises on an old tape recorder.
• "Well, I can't talk to a drunk person while sober."
• Meg has a fake ID. Her picture is Chris Christie with Meg's hat.
• The drinking montage set to Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time":
  • Peter and Meg comparing scars, with Meg showing that she has the medallion burn scar from Raiders of the Lost Ark much to Peter's shock. Cut to the two of them running with the Ark Of the Covenant in the desert while chased by Nazis.
  • Peter and Meg drunkenly flying to Vegas, try to take out $20 at an ATM, are told there are insufficient funds, then immediately fly back home.
• Stewie finds Principal Shepard has bunk beds and devil sticks.
  • When Shepard unexpectedly arrives back home, Brian tries to catch Stewie's attention by throwing an apple at the window, but barely clears the sidewalk on his own side of the street.
    Brian: Man, just short...
  • Stewie disguising himself by hiding among Shepard's doll collection. Shepard picks him up and begins acting creepy with him, but Brian misses it because he got a food delivery from Domino's.
• At the end of act two, Meg and Peter are stranded on a boat in the ocean. They have little phone battery, so Peter uses it to swap faces.
  Peter: Look at you! And look at me! That's what this is! *phone dies* Aw, we're gonna die...
• Peter says to get over a hangover, Meg should focus on something else, like a riddle, and tells her to try and describe Chris O'Donnell.
  Meg: Well, he's not short, but not tall. Not fat, or thin. He's not famous, but I know who he is. Wow, Dad, I feel so much better!
  Peter: You know who isn't? Chris O'Donnell. (waves to the camera) Bye, dildo!
• Both plots end with a Brick Joke.
  • In the main plot, Meg and Peter are saved by Chris O'Donnell.
  Chris O'Donnell: Hope you like turbulence, dildos!
  • What really happened in the subplot: Principal Shepard's wife left him and is sleeping with his cousin. The "bloody bag" was just full of school cafeteria supplies Shepard had been stealing. Afterwards, Joe tries to invite Principal Shepard to the same cosmetics sales party.
• Brian is in the same hospital room where a patient named Annie is recovering as the set-up for a joke where Lois quotes "Smooth Criminal".

298. Don't Be A Dickens At Christmas

• In Angela's last scene, she tries to tell the staff they can leave early, but Peter keeps playing "School's Out". This leads to a Dazed and Confused Shout-Out and a parody of a Matthew McConaughey Lincoln commercial where he drives with two hostages in the back while quoting "Jingle Bells".
  Announcer: The Family Guy Christmas Special, brought to you by Lincoln. Lincoln: What are we doing?
• Lois says Chris was named for Christmas and so was his stillborn twin sister, "Tmas".
• Meg stuffs the stockings with Kanye Canes, candy canes that brag about themselves.
  Announcer: The Family Guy Christmas Special, brought to you by anthropomorphic candy canes. Family Guy: What are we doing?
• Norm Macdonald reading "'Twas The Night Before Christmas". His endless riffing on small details gets him fired.
• Cleveland and his family listening to a cover of "O Holy Night" from an album titled "A Very Slow Christmas With Peabo Bryson".
  Peter: Wow, no wonder I don't see Cleveland until New Years.
• A gang of rogue Victorian carolers attacks the Drunken Clam. They get Quagmire. By the end of act two, they've also gotten Joe.
• Peter taking a too-full bath.
• Act one ends with another round of "Road House" jokes with Peter and the spirit of Patrick Swayze.
  Peter: Ghost House!
  Patrick: Road House!
  Peter: Road Ghost!
  Patrick: House House!
  Peter: Ghost Ghost!
• In Christmas past, Peter is sent to "19 70/80/90" when "President Richard Reagan Clinton lied to the world."
• "You died before Game of Thrones, but a lot of people will like that."
• Peter's mom giving him cookies for breakfast as a child.
  Kid!Peter: Thank you, careless parent!
• Peter and Patrick stop by Ollie Williams and his family on Christmas.
  Son: WHAT'S THIS?
  Ollie: COAL!
  Son: WHY?!
  Ollie: BAD!
  Son: AWW...
  • They also stop by the home of the mentally challenged Opie, who's dressed up as Santa for his kids, then for some reason turns into a parody of the ending from Home Alone, with Opie badly humming the theme.
  "Home Alone Theme. We Think"
• Carter calling his grandmother in German, who speaks German and says there are too many Jews in Brazil.
• Patrick shapes Peter's future in true Ghost style.
  Peter: Is this how Jonah Hill was made?
• In the future, Peter died in a tree fire caused by his "MILF On A Shelf".
  • When they first arrive in the future, Peter doesn't get that he's the one who's dead and for some reason thinks everyone is sad for someone named "Benjamin" even though no one has even said that name.
  • Brian sleeps at Peter's gravestone. Due to losing the Christmas spirit, Peter spends an eternity as a dog fart, being farted out by Brian. Apparently, this is from an obscure chapter of A Christmas Carol, written during Dickens' "opium and spoiled lamb phase".
• Peter gives the family gifts he bought at a CVS, including a People magazine on Robin Williams' death, a Styrofoam cooler whose lid blows away, and a sweater that reads "I (heart) Road Iland".
  Brian: Wow, it hurts when I put it on!
• The episode ends with Peter and Patrick's spirit re-enacting the Chippendales sketch from Saturday Night Live.
  Caption: We played this song as a joke, but we kinda actually like it. (Pause) And the show was short.
  • And of course, the rest of the family can't see Patrick or hear the song, so they have no idea what he's doing.

299. Boy (Dog) Meets Girl (Dog)

• Last Valentine's Day, Peter and Lois went to the Outback Steakhouse. Not the actual restaurant, but a restaurant where the waiter comes out as gay.
  Waiter: I'll tell you the specials, but first, I have to tell you something... I'm gay.
  Peter: Like hell you are! No waiter of mine is going to be gay!
  Lois: Peter, please, he's our waiter! He's the only waiter we got!
  Peter: Lois, our waiter is dead to us! We'll just have to focus on our hostess.
  Peter: (aged and on his deathbed many years later) I'm finally ready...to hear the specials...
• Peter and Lois doing a "dead marriage side face kiss".
• The subplot is about a fictional mascot for St Valentines day Peter created named "Arthur Valentine" who, amongst other things, has an eyepatch because he likes the look.
• Chris's classmates in kindergarten thought he was weird because he took his shirt off to pee. Turns out Peter taught him that.
• Tom Tucker says that the Quahog River has been dyed red for Valentine's Day, then tells the viewer it's a good opportunity to get rid of a corpse.
• Brian binging on Valentine's chocolates, only remembering too late that chocolate is toxic to dogs.
• After Peter jokes that a passed-out Brian has fallen and can't get up, he's immediately sent to comedy jail. Then he jokes about dropping the soap and gets the death penalty.
• Billy Joel sings about all the stuff they pumped out of Peter's stomach to the tune of "We Didn't Start the Fire"
  • Later he writes a sequel song while watching Peter eat the dial from a walkie-talkie.
    • And a third time at the end of act two after Peter eats Stewie for some reason.
  Billy Joel: HE ATE STEWIE, HOLY CRAP, FAMILY GUY WILL BE RIGHT BACK!!
• The lame pun jokes with an old German pilot coming to the Veterinarian's office, looking for the Veteran Aryans Office. He's followed shortly after by a German Shepherd who's due for a German Sheppard procedure.
  Pilot: (in heavy German accent) This is a very confusing office.
• Lois says they didn't agree on codenames when they decide to "kill" Arthur.
  • Chris goes catatonic after seeing Arthur's "death", and Peter tries to bring him out of it by throwing baseballs at his face while shouting "Awakenings!"
• "No wonder you have such a perfectly-coiffed anus."
• Ronald Reagan proposing to Nancy by asking to avoid the AIDS scare and do the "Just Say No" campaign.
  Jingle: If you're too young, those are both things she did!
• After Ellie refuses to kiss Brian, two valets comment on it.
• Stewie uses a dog training clicker to punctuate jokes during act three.
• After seeing Peter as Arthur, Chris immediately thinks Peter's a zombie and attacks him with a screwdriver.
  Chris: I've seen The Walking Dead! I have to destroy your brain and then talk about it for the next hour!
• In the dog show montage, Brian herds sheep. Stewie tries to count it, but falls asleep.
• Quagmire watches the mating ritual because he has an all-access pass to anything sex-related.
• At the end, Billy Joel sings elements of this episode because they couldn't think of an ending.
  Chris: Mom killed a jaywalker.

300. Dog Bites Bear

• The episode starts with Lois pinning her grocery list to Peter, item by item. Peter asks if they need cucumbers, then remembers he and Lois used it for dirty sex stuff.
• Meg says that Peter and Lois' marriage is weird but strong, like Danny Trejo. Cut to a live-action shot of Danny Trejo thanking her for noticing.
• When watching The Fast and the Furious series, Stewie says that Rupert doesn't know Paul Walker died.
• Peter trying to memorize the grocery list like the 1970s Sesame Street cartoon.
  Peter: A Joe Dirt DVD, Scarlett Johansson, and a treasure chest from a fish tank.
• Peter as Redstool (Deadpool with anal cancer) who states that Weapon X didn't give him any powers but it did give him rectal cancer, followed by a fight sequence with a parody of "Angel of the Morning".
• Vin Diesel from the DVD menu notices that Brian mauled Rupert.
• Stewie says he's not friends with Brian by unfriending him online. Then basketball player Diekembe Motombo tells Brian he's blocked and slaps him unconscious.
• Lois having "middle-aged boobs falling off to the side sleep".
• Brian talks to Chris about Stewie while Chris fits a quincenera dress.
• A guy with heavy hands petting Brian and Stewie, making their facial skin get pushed to the back of their heads.
• At the end of act two, when Brian notices Stewie twisted his ankle, two vultures high-five each other.
• Stewie announces insulting nicknames for Brian.
• In the subplot, Peter doesn't wash the hand he shook with Boo Berry. When they get him to wash it, life has formed on it. A father and son make their escape and land in a potted plant.
• "Silly rabbit, Count Chocula tastes grrreat!"
• While Brian gives Rupert's eulogy, Stewie tells him to say that Rupert was a great power bottom.
• At the end, we see Paul Walker and Rupert racing in the stars, Fast and the Furious style.

301. Send In Stewie, Please

• Stewie says Dr. Pritchfield's office looks the one Bethanny Frankel goes to. He goes off on a tangent ending with how he was almost going to be on The Rachel Zoe Project.
• Stewie says he has a British accent, but the psychiatrist doesn't notice it. Throughout the episode, they both pronounce words differently.
• Stewie complains that he has no friends despite talking to them "about dirt and shapes".
• Stewie singing the opening song from Hamilton while hiccupping and with a runny nose.
• Stewie is surprised to learn about an electric kettle because Lois just boils water from a Jiffy Pop tin.
• When Dr. Pritchfield tells a story about him as a child, he tries doing the "Mom! Mama! Mummy!" gag, but Stewie stops him.
• Stewie reveals that's not really his accent, then imitates other characters voiced by Seth MacFarlane.
  (as Roger) And I'm a gay alien.
• After the psychiatrist dies from a heart attack, and Stewie refuses to get his pills for him to keep anyone from knowing that his accent is fake, there's a message from the psychiatrist's younger husband, who says he wants a divorce.
  Stewie: Boy, this has not been your day.
• At the end, it's revealed that this episode might have just been a nightmare Rupert had.
  Stewie: Go sleep on the floor where you belong, you whore! (throws Rupert on the floor)

302. - V is for Mystery

• At the end of the opening, we see Sherlock Holmes (Stewie) and Watson (Brian) with a skeleton dressed as Kenny from South Park.
  • One of the scenes shown in the intro is Brian glaring disapprovingly at Stewie who is preparing to shoot up cocaine, a Holmes trait you don't see very often in modern adaptations.
• Bruce and Jeffrey as chimney sweeps, which ends up being an incredibly unsubtle gay joke.
  Jeffrey: Shouldn't I be wearing some sort of protective suit?
  Bruce: Why, don't you trust me?
  Jeffrey: I do, but our friend James went into lots of chimneys in the 80's and now he's sick!
• Benny Hill at age 20. His iconic "chasing women and ripping off their clothes" bit is a good deal less funny at that age.
  Stewie: Oh, that'll be funnier when he's older and slower.
• Sherlock and Watson spot Professor Moriarty (Carter) on a boat to America. Holmes knows this because Neil Diamond's on board. Unfortunately, he's singing September Morn and not America, much to Sherlock's annoyance.
  • Sherlock claims he spotted Moriarty through various minor details such as going on a transatlantic voyage with no top coat and unbuttoned spats, only for Moriarty to reveal that it's more likely he spotted the British Crown Jewels poorly hidden in his top hat.
• The court jester for Queen Victoria (Chris) is Sir William Of Cosby, who put sleeping powder in the women's drinks.
  Cosby: I get away with this for another 120 years, you see!
• Watson's incredibly depressing Lie Back and Think of England description of his upcoming wedding night, which he is still excited about.
  Watson: And then, five months later, a stillborn child the size of a Digestive biscuit!
• Peter pops up at the end of a scene to tell the viewers they'll do a regular episode next week.
• The first dead body Holmes and Watson see? Meg's.
  • Her corpse has been hollowed out and replaced with bagpipes, so Holmes and Watson play "Heart and Soul" on it.
• The Scottish Brute (Peter) discovers that his jail cell was never actually locked.
• Holmes disguises himself as a prostitute in a steam-powered robotic disguise.
• Watson got distracted chasing rats because there were so many in London.
• Watson's bachelor party in Las Vegas. However, the city wasn't founded yet, so they're just sitting in a desert.
  Stewie: So, when do the strippers arrive?
  Brian: 1952.
• Act two ends with a turn of the century ad for Room Temperature Gin, which is done similar to a modern beer commercial except the two men tell the women to leave because it's a Gentlemen's Club and women aren't allowed.
  Announcer: Room Temperature Gin! Drink it, have an eel pie, then go to bed!
• The cameo of Oscar Wilde, which Stewie finds hilarious, then says that they all better leave before they're arrested for "bum fancy".
• At the start of act three, Watson says that both of them are off to "Gay Paree". After hearing this, Holmes changes into a gay outfit.
• Brian says that there are only minor celebrities on the boat. Cue the opening to The Love Boat featuring them.
• Holmes and Watson chase Constance (Lois) "through a series of shots where she has an inconsistent lead on us."
  • During the chase, Holmes couldn't resist pretending to act as Madeline.
• Holmes does a celebratory pipe smoke while covered in confetti. He flicks a lighter, and you can guess what happens next.
• The Reveal where it turns out that The Scottish Brute is the REAL Moriarty, who faked his death with a henchman earlier. Watson asks him why he's called a Professor, and Moriarty claims it's because he's a teacher at Hogwarts.
  Watson: Really?!
  Moriarty: No, but we should have done that instead of this.
• At the end, Holmes says the case they solved will keep the British Empire alive, naming EVERY SINGLE country in it.
  Brian: God, England sucks now.

303. - Veteran Guy

• The episode starts with the Griffins at a thrift shop, where Peter points out a tape deck that acts like Statler and Waldorf.
  Peter: Jim Henson died of treatable pneumonia.
• Stewie finds the pants from The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. He puts them on and gets America Ferrara's butt.
• Peter buys a bottle of Newman's Own salad because proceeds go to charity. The charity: A violent jihad.
  Caption: MAYBE THIS IS THE CHARITY. YOU DON'T KNOW.
• When Peter puts on sunglasses with his hat, "Danger Zone" plays. Joe and Cleveland copy this with their versions overlapping each other.
  • Quagmire's glasses play "Playing With Them Boys".
• Cleveland and his family doesn't want anyone to know they shop at a thrift store, so when they see the Griffins, they strip off their shirts and pretend to be donating them.
• Eric Dane catches the gang because the boat on their hats is actually the ship on The Last Ship, which he stars on.
  • Two overhead compartments comment on this as Statler and Waldorf.
• The judge's name is revealed to be "Dignified Q. Blackman".
• Ida makes Quagmire sign up for the Coast Guard saying he should do it "if you were half the man I used to be."
• At the end of act one, the gang rushes off because the next case on the docket is "People vs. Ted 2".
• Coast Guard recruiting is simply pantomiming driving a boat, followed by repeating their motto, "When you're here, you're family."
  Cleveland: Isn't that the slogan for—
  Recruiter: WE HAD IT FIRST!
  • Throughout act three, every time one of them says it, we cut to them eating at an Olive Garden, with them getting increasingly tired of the food, until the ending where Cleveland shoots Quagmire to keep him from saying it one last time.
• This gem:
  Peter: Where in Iraq is "Fort El Ahoud Urd Ali"?
  Quagmire: Peter, that's Fort Lauderdale.
• Jesus being crucified by a Roman intern.
• Peter says his assignment is on a "knead the dough basis", so he whispers it to a baker.
• According to Joe, Fort Lauderdale is where the art in every dentist's office comes from.
• The gang talking to Namor the Sub-Mariner, who tries to explain the difference between himself and Aquaman, but in typical This Looks Like a Job for Aquaman style, the guys just think he can breathe underwater but not talk to fish. Then Aquaman shows up and impresses everyone by having a school of fish do tricks.
  Namor: MY FEET HAVE LITTLE WINGS ON THEM!!
• Peter having a "FaceTime conversation where we talk at the same time and then laugh" with Lois. He also talks to Stewie and is amazed how much he's grown, not realizing it's only been a few days and Stewie is just standing in the foreground.
  Stewie: Okay, he doesn't get perspective.
• Quagmire leaves because they still haven't learned to operate a hydraulic grapple winch, but they think it could be a plot point. It wasn't. Quagmire operated the winch himself.
• Two of the evil frat boys only had time to record a line of dialogue each, so they keep repeating it.
• At the end of act two, Peter explains his plan in a tiki bar, but the sound of blenders repeatedly drowns him out.
• Peter trying to wash his hands with an automatic bathroom sink. In the women's room.
• Peter thinks a Coors party ball is a bomb.
• Cleveland suggests a "Leeroy Jenkins". Then they try to attack the frat boys with World of Warcraft graphics.
  Cleveland: This episode has a bunch of Internet things.
• At the end, Peter finally proclaiming he's bisexual, like all members of the Coast Guard.

304. The Woof of Wall Street

• This episode starts with Brian discovering Stewie has bought a dozen supermarket horse rides because he was tired of waiting in line for the ones outside the grocery store.
  Brian: Are you on the unicorn?
  Stewie: *is indeed riding a unicorn* You know me well, sir!
• Brian is reading his anti-stock market spiel off a teleprompter. When it goes out, a director tells him to ad-lib.
• Peter agrees to skip dinner with Lois' parents if he attends Meg's ballet recital. It turns out the audience was empty.
• Brian gets into a fender bender with Consuela outside Stewie's pre-school.
  Brian: Argh, of course it'd be one of them!!
  Stewie: Brian!!
  Brian: Stewie, adults are allowed to say racist things because of traffic.
• When Brian finally caves in and lets Stewie put $100 on the stock market for him, he says he's not the first one to cave under peer pressure, like Stephen Baldwin.
  Ma Baldwin: How come you're not a bloated alcoholic yet?!
  Stephen: I'm sorry, ma!!
• Joe tries conversation starters throughout this episode.
• Peter waking up a rooster at sunrise.
• In return for teaching Brian how to invest in stocks, Stewie asks that Brian teach him Gymkata.
• At the start of act two, Stewie talks to a stockbroker in Japanese saying "You don't say". When Brian asked what happened, Stewie says "he didn't say" in Japanese. Cut to a live-action shot of a geisha taking a bow.
• In the subplot, the gang takes over the Clam. Joe claims to be a mixologist, but he only knows how to make rum and Coke.
  Customer: Can I have a rum and Coke?
  Joe: Uh, is Pepsi okay?
• "Fidelity: we're there for you when you baby marries his dog-dad."
• Quagmire calls off trivia night because he sees people cheating with their phones.
• A bull wrecking the Clam to "Life Is A Highway" by Tom Cochrane.
• Peter's ringtone is a scream from Game of Thrones. The gang argues exactly who is screaming and why.
• Brian and Stewie find out that a protein shake company Brian's thinking of investing in makes protein shakes from dog meat. One of the dogs on the chopping block: Rover Dangerfield.
• At the end of act two, Stewie calls Brian a monster, but he's told it's offensive by Herry Monster, Elmo, and Cookie Monster from Sesame Street. Brian then points out that Elmo has recently been accused of molesting a 16-year old.
• Stewie thinks Ricki and the Flash is about a girl named Ricki and superhero The Flash.
• As Stewie talks to Rupert about Brian, Rupert hangs himself.
• The copout ending to the subplot: Peter makes puppet versions of the gang for Jerome to beat. He accidentally switches himself with the puppet version. The puppet version shows up in The Stinger.
  Puppet Peter: Where is the mother, and what kind of sex does she like to have?
• While trapped in the protein slurry factory that's been turning stray dogs into meat, Brian hopes the process is at least peaceful. Cue Michael Vick walking into the processing plant.
  Brian: Oh boy...
  • Followed by Eli Manning, who says he's a psychopath.
    Caption: That's not true, but this show was written by Patriot fans.
• After the Brick Joke you didn't see coming, Stewie and Brian cap off their adventure by joining Tom Cochrane dancing by the roadside in the official video for "Life Is a Highway".

305. Family Guy Through The Years

1956

• According to Peter, Family Guy survived 19 cancellations, 2 assassination attempts, and "a good ribbing from the South Park kids."
• The first episode is sponsored by Raleigh Kids' Cigarettes, "the only cigarette made for tiny hands".
• Peter talks to Chris during an atomic bomb test, inexplicably held in a residential area.
• "And now a word from our sponsor: Fred Trump Apartments. When you don't want blacks, Fred Trump."
• 1950s sci-fi, "which is always a man in a silver suit battling a monster."
• 1956!Cleveland and 1956!Donna are shocked to learn Elvis is white, so they head off to an all-black dance club. 1956!Peter watches through a window because he called a band member a bad name.
• 1956!Peter watches a commercial for Post Raisin Bran that gives the definition of "raisin" and "bran". Repeatedly. Even during the jingle.
  1956!Peter: Wow, these commercials are too short.
  • Contrary to him thinking there's not enough time to absorb the commercial message, Peter immediatly becomes brainwashed and obsessed with Raisin Bran.
    Peter: By the way, Chris and Raisin Bran are at Raisin Bran practice.

1969

• During the opening, we learn a wizard gave Stewie talking powers.
  1969!Peter: The dog talks, too!
  • The opening theme is a parody of The Archie Show.
• 1969!Herbert says he's not a man named Roy Mitchell who left another town.
• 1969!Peter's breakfast is a highball cocktail, grapefruit with their only serongated spoon, and Raisin Bran.
• Mike Brady gives 1969!Meg a talk about tattling, then says he's not Robert Reed who also left another town.
• 1969!Peter driving a very long car.
  1969!Peter: Honey, I'm taking the compact, it saves money on gas. Cars are bigger back now.
• At the end, 1969!Peter changes the channels, switching from the moon landing to the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, to the JFK assassination... to a rerun of Gilligan's Island.

1973

• The montage of Quahog as a slum featuring a sign reading "Not As Big As Providence", Seamus huddling for warmth, and The Giant Chicken as a pimp.
• 1973!Stewie is playing with a toy vacuum. 1973!Peter wants to play with a frisbee and javelin like "the coolest guy around, Bruce Jenner."
• 1973!Peter stormed the beaches at Normandy... except it was 1958, so the resistance wasn't nearly as stiff.
• The Drunken Clam is a disco. As the gang greets everyone else, the collars on their shirt slice them dead, all while set to "A Fifth of Beethoven".
• 1973!Quagmire just went back from Vietnam. His biggest gripe: Hearing "Fortunate Son" by Credence Cleerwater Revival everywhere.
• 1973!Peter was killed in Vietnam... by getting stabbed to death by a lady-boy hooker.
• At the end, Peter gets chased by Don Knotts, who tells him shameful television secrets such as that Tim Conway slept with half The Apple Dumpling Gang. Don and Tim were the only two members of the gang.

306. Switch the Flip

• A woman Brian calls and asks out on a date turns him down by claiming she's dead.
  Brian: So you're dead right now? What's that like? (She hangs up)
• Brian asking Brandee what love is.
  Brandee: John Lennon said "Love is all you need". He also said "No thanks, every hot woman, I pick this woman who crawled out of a well in The Ring who none of my friends like."
  Brian: Heh, yeah, they were probably all like "Oh no!"
  Brandee: Downloading Yoko Ono!
  Brian: Oh no...
  Brandee: Downloading more Yoko Ono!
  Brian: NO, NO ONO!
  Brandee: Downloading all Yoko Ono!
• A mom listening to Radiohead.
• According to Brandee, the largest poop was taken by Aretha Franklin in 1998 at a Hardee's in Memphis.
  Peter: Damnit, now I owe Chris five bucks! HEY CHRIS, YOU WERE RIGHT, IT WAS IN 1998!
• At a movie theater, Peter pulls "the popcorn bucket trick" on himself. It doesn't work.
  Peter: This is humbling...
• Stewie refusing to duck down to avoid photo-bombing a family picture on the Splash Mountain ride. When he's asked again, Stewie stands up to take up even more picture space, but this backfires as he gets decapitated by the tunnel ceiling, and his severed head ends up in another family's photo.
• As Stewie explains the key point in this episode, a "Pay Attention" warning flashes on the screen.
  • Note: To avoid confusion, characters who have swapped bodies will be marked as "(voice)/(body)".
• After switching bodies, Stewie/Brian and later Chris/Brian licks his crotch.
  Stewie/Brian and Chris/Brian: What the hell are you complaining about?
• Stewie/Brian gets Brian/Stewie a job as a community college professor, because every seven minutes, one gets fired for having sex with a student.
  Dean: Okay, who here is an unemployed college professor? (a group of academics raise their hands) Who haven't had sex with a student or tweeted about assassinating the President? (Everyone but Stewie/Brian lowers their hands)
• Stewie/Brian's attempt at being a cool teacher in the style of Robin Williams' character in Dead Poets Society backfires spectacularly when the students just get annoyed at him telling them to rip out the introduction to poetry part of the textbook and points out all sorts of holes in it.
• "Go go, Brian dog legs!"
• Stewie/Peter and Peter/Stewie doing his mirror dance.
• Peter's job keeping Michael Shannon from going insane on a movie set by talking about calming images into his ear. However, he looks away for a second to answer a question about his timecard, and when he looks back, Shannon has brutally massacred the whole staff.
• Stewie/Peter realizing he can now reach a box of animal crackers.
• The new last Adam West scene: After we find out that Stewie/Peter and Lois are going to a couples' sex seminar, we see him throwing a pitch on a baseball diamond.
  Adam: Now that's what I call a curveball! (organ plays "Charge") Commercial!
• On the sign at the hotel where the seminar is: "Tomorrow: Wow, You're A Fast Reader"
• Chris/Brian and Brian/Chris talk about what they usually do at 10:30 in the morning: Brian drinks and Chris eats Cheetos and masturbates in the woods.
• An "Inconsistently Smashed Windshield Chase".
• Amongst the pairs whose bodies got swapped: The Kool-Aid Man and Bruce, Fouad and the Live Studio Ostrich, and the dead bodies of Muriel and Diane (represented by their gravestones and a caption saying they swapped).
• Jerome switches bodies with Ida:
  Jerome: (in Ida's body) What the hell!? Am I doing a Madea!?
  Ida: (in Jerome's body looking down inside his pants) Oh, lord! This time I'm going to need a chainsaw!
• Quagmire ends up switching bodies with a gerbil he was going to use for sexual activities.
  Quagmire: (in the gerbil's body while being held by the gerbil in Quagmire's body) Don't do it! Don't do what I was gonna do! (the gerbil chitters happily as it lowers him down near Quagmire's groin) NO! NO! You’ve perverted something beautiful!
• At the sex seminar, the lecturer uses a photo of the Predator to illustrate a vagina.
• Stewie/Peter hiding in the bathroom from a horny Lois, and she breaks down the door in the style of Jack Nicholson from The Shining, but with a clothes iron instead of an axe.
  Lois: MUNCHA BUNCHA FRITOS!
• "I'M TWO FIFTEEN, YOU LIBERAL DICKWEED!"
• Brian/Chris manages to power up the swapper again by insulting God. It's actually not his job to throw lightning, so Vishnu does it instead.
• At the end, Brian/Peter is in bed with Lois.
  Lois: You didn't hear a word he said, didn't you?
  Brian/Peter: No, I didn't. Ha ha ha. I mean, the movie Road House.

307. HTTPete

• The episode begins with a staff meeting where Peter sits next to "Morning Breath Mike", whose breath is so bad it fogs up Peter's glasses.
  • They watch a film about millennials in the style of a 1930s newsreel. The reel narrator is fired during the reel because the millennial he was talking about identifies as a man and he called her a woman. She also single-handedly got 12 network shows fired because she thought they were offensive.
• "Oh, here comes a text from the guy who doesn't know this is a group text. 'Nice to meet you, Hammer. Let's have lunch together and I'll tell you who's gay.'"
• One of Hammer's trigger warnings is asking about trigger warnings. So he tweets about the guy, then fires him.
• Darth Vaper.
  Darth: I find your lack of vape disturbing.
• Peter spontaneously transforms into a millennial after taking his first puff of vaping. He immediately has very strong opinions about Broad City.
• At Coachella, Peter's shirt reads "Joke Shirt". They attend Neil Young asleep watching TV. Peter says he always confuses Neil with Bill the Cat from Bloom County.
• After Hammer gets run over by a bus, his dying words are about an idea for a business, but he dies after saying "artisanal." Peter thinks it's pretzels.
• Keyboard Cat plays at Hammer's funeral.
  • Adam West is the officiant. It's his last scene and his last words are kind of ironic.
    Adam: And now, let us read from the book of Just Jared. "Death be the ultimate fail."
• Peter quits the warriors in 300 because he has to go have diarrhea off a cliff.
• Marvel's new movie: "The Offenders", starring a team-up of Hollywood's most famous sex offenders, led by Bill Cosby dressed as Nick Fury.
• Quagmire punishes Joe for his obnoxious Leeroy Jenkins suggestions by pushing him in the corner.
• Parker Stanton shows up via hologram in the Griffins' living room.
  Chris and Peter: Do you know Mr. Skin? Ah! We'll talk later.
• Peter trying to refold a map of France in Paris. Joe and Bonnie also went, but they brought a globe.
• Peter shut down the Internet when he peed on a server while singing "Electric Avenue". As Parker rants at him, we learn that Peter still had his penis out the entire time, and they recreated it in Rome years later.
• With the Internet down, chaos ensues. Everyone tortures a guy who just said "Hello".
• An Amish comedian.
• The Griffins take a taxi home, so they have to watch Jimmy Fallon.
  Peter: This is why Uber.
• Peter as Oscar Pistorius' roommate.
• Peter acts out the Internet to everyone, including acting out how clickbait works, being Quagmire's Waze app, and being with a gang of black kids to act out a looping GIF of an insult reaction.
• The construction of the New York subway tunnels:
  Foreman: Men, creating an entire subway system out of nothing is grueling, thankless, life-threatening work. But just remember: we’re doing this so that one day, future commuters can be hassled by panhandlers and amateur breakdancers!
  Worker: What about public masturbators?
  Foreman: Especially public masturbators! Now let’s go die underground!
  (All the workers cheer)
• The way Peter repairs the Internet: By placing all the servers in giant bags of rice.
• The first thing seen when the Internet returns? A pop-up ad for artisanal pretzels.
• The episode ends with Rod Serling narrating that a restaurant is about to go up in flames, "like the Fox Tuesday night line-up."

308. The Unkindest Cut

• The episode begins with Peter showing a comparison of David Ortiz and Florida from Good Times. Cleveland thought it was racist, until Peter showed him an actual comparison shot (which is indeed disturbingly similar). Cleveland withdraws his accusation.
• Tom Tucker starts his newscast while driving to the studio.
• Stewie and Brian's confusing two-host talk show.
• Joe calls water-skiing "water sitting".
• As he tries to dock a motorboat, Peter says he thinks everyone knows he can't please his wife sexually. His failure eventually gets recorded and uploaded online.
• When Cleveland gets wet, Gremlins emerge from him and attack beachgoers.
• The password for Mort's computer is "But I Lost the Receipt". The first two passwords they tried were "Such Heat This Morning" and "This Fish is Cold, I Want a Refund".
• After two mobsters learn that they're going to Florida, one mobster is glad to learn they still have time to go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
• At the end of act one, Peter signals to other boats that Quagmire's penis has been bitten by a shark.
• A sign in Boca Raton: "Home of the Sign on the Runway", when then gets run over by a plane landing.
• Stewie and Brian learn about Mort's location from Pitbull (the rapper, not the dog). He's the same size as Brian, and was busy making a song that hits the radio.
• After capturing Mort to bring him home, Brian gets a text that Quagmire had his penis bit off. Both he and Stewie laugh.
• "Dammit, Joe stop with the sex birds!"
• Quagmire reading a romance novel in bed with his penis turning the page.
• "Florida, which, interesting enough, was also the name of the mother on Good Times played by David Ortiz."
• A golf announcer who knows nothing about golf.
• Chris freaks out over Quagmire's ventriloquist puppet and how he's talking.
  Chris: I think it's the guy talking!
• After Joe takes hold of the gun Quagmire threatens to kill himself with, it tries to talk Joe into killing himself as well, so he gives it to Cleveland. The gun tries to tell him to use it to get revenge on white people, so he gives it to Peter. It tells Peter to use it to get free tacos. He does.
• Peter eating local pizza with a guy from New York.
• Cats laughing at Brian and Stewie saying they have one life to live.
• At the surgery for Glenn's penis re-attachment (using Ida's penis from her gender reassignment surgery), no one washed their hands.
• Dr. Hartman wrote the end to the subplot because he's trying to make the show more like a dramedy.
  Peter: How can you make this like a dramedy?
  Dr. Hartman: Well, for one thing, scenes don't have to end with jokes. (Beat, then cut to next scene)
  • After he's done writing, he prepares to shoot up with heroin, which he calls "Sorkin genius juice".
• In The Stinger, Quagmire tells the gang about life with his dad's penis (for one thing, it apparently has a massive mole on one side), then screams as he tries to pee.

309. Are You There God? It's Me, Peter

• Chris' rock and roll choir performing "It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)".
• Stripes is "a 1980s movie you remember fondly but now realize is very slow."
  • It becomes a Brick Joke as it's STILL running several scenes later.
• According to Peter, one of Cinemax's shows is basically two boobs fighting each other.
  Peter: Sadly, there's still no penetration.
• "Dazed And Couch-Fused", a short film about how fat people get fused to furniture. It's hosted by Oliver Platt, who's fused to a recliner.
  Platt: Don't worry, it hasn't stopped me from having a name like a child or thicker hair than a werewolf!
• The tailor stole a signed picture of James Brolin from a dry cleaner, who stole that from a bakery.
  • The baker also had a photo of the actor from The Greatest American Hero in full costume.
• Peter and Lois slipped Ambien into each other's beers so they could have a prayer to get any sleep at night.
• "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go sleep on the couch on the couch."
• When Peter meets God at the end of act one, God tells Peter "no Trump questions". As a result, Peter has nothing to say.
• Peter asks if this is a Leftovers.
  Peter: It was an HBO show starring a bottle of hair dye.
• It's revealed that the show is actually a game of The Sims run by aliens.
• According to God, Peter was Henry the Eighth in a past life. Not the ruler, the eighth person Rock Hudson had sex with at a pool party.
• After learning he's dead, Peter passes up doing the Ghost (1990) pottery scene with a present-day Demi Moore.
  Peter: I feel like her back bones would hurt my tummy.
• Peter recording "Tequila" in Russian, except he just says "Vodka".
• At Fuddrucker's, Peter has a meltdown over how everyone is doing their burgers differently than how he does it. Chris got a plain burger, Meg got a chicken burger and Brian cut his up so it's easier to eat.
  Peter: What part of "Fuddrucker's" don't you understand?!
  Meg: All of it.
  • Peter starts putting random junk on his burger in an attempt to compensate for his family not being creative enough with theirs, including silverware, the basket the burger came in, and his car keys. When he bites into it, he shatters his teeth and starts bleeding from the mouth (which, of course, he doesn't react at all to).
    Lois: Peter, people are staring.
    Peter: Yeah! They're saying "Look at the creative guy. Look at King Fuddrucker over there. Usually, you put a burger on a tray. This guy's putting a tray on a fucking burger!"
    Lois: Are you through, Peter?
    Peter: Not yet, I'm not! Give me the car keys!
    Lois: Peter-!
    Peter: Give me. The car keys.
• The scene where Peter says his goodbyes to the family.
  Peter: If anything were to happen to me Lois, I'll miss you more than Life...the cereal, but not the board game which I quite enjoy.
  Lois: OK.
  Peter: And Meg, I'm sorry I'll never get a chance to walk you down the aisle...at Costco to furnish your sad, single-lady apartment.
  Meg: (sarcastically) Thanks dad.
  Peter: And Stewie, it kills me that I'll never see you become a man...-loving twink.
  Stewie: (angry) Is anyone gonna stop him?!
  Peter: And Chris, whenever you're feeling defeated, I want you to always reach for the Stars...-ky and Hutch DVD that fell behind the entertainment center. Sorry, you were the last one.
  Brian: What about me?
  Peter: You're a dog.
• Peter listening to Nina Blackwood slowly dying of throat cancer on the radio.
  God: I'm supposed to be getting a week from Thursday, but there's a chance I might be moving that up.
• God reveals that atheists don't go to Hell, but people who describe themselves as "not religious but spiritual" go as quoted by Him, "straight to Hell, to the boiler room of Hell, all the way down". Sometimes he takes them out just to give them false hope before putting them back.
• In The Stinger, it turns out God actually had that picture of James Brolin.