Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today - Television Tropes & Idioms

alt title(s): Have I Mentioned That I Am Heterosexual Today

Not gay, just Ashsexual.

"I knew I wasn't a lesbian so I could be secure enough to admit that I was a bit attracted to Gloria."

— Mackenzie Blaise, Tales Of MU

"I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo heterosexual!"

— Tom Servo, mocking Watney Smith in Outlaw Of Gor

The opposite of Everyone Is Gay, Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today is a trope that takes place in a genre filled to the brim with Ho Yay.

So to compensate for this, every other line of dialogue comments on how some character is straight and their relationship with someone else is platonic. Every other cast member also comments on how this person is in fact in a totally normal-type relationship. Not That Theres Anything Wrong With That, but they aren't.

Note, this isn't just a story that turns someone straight or just takes a hardline on Ship Tease... this is a story where nobody will shut up about it, ever. The writer should rely on the characterization actions to indicate this, not overstatement.

Of course... there is another side to this. If one doth protest too much via Suspiciously Specific Denial, many people will interpret as there being something there. And like all tropes, people will invoke this on purpose. If a character is obviously gay but makes a point of saying how straight they are, it's Transparent Closet.

If they're not just trying to convince people which way they swing but that they swing at all, it's Have I Mentioned I Am Sexually Active Today.

Examples:

Anime and Manga

The infamous Sailor Moon season three dub had everyone, even random Monsters Of The Week, blessed with the knowledge and the compulsion to comment on how not only is "Amara" the cousin of "Michelle", but so were Sailors Uranus and Neptune cousins. The fact that the dubbers were lazy and forgot (or did they?) to remove many Ho Yay scenes made it even more of a farce.
- Some hardline Sailor Mars fans claim her abortive crush on Mamoru in the original television show (and found no where else) was an attempt to downplay the fact she Does Not Like Men, since none of the other boyfriendless girls has a similar subplot. Ironically, the idea Rei leans a bit is a running gag in later seasons. Newer adaptations seem to avoid giving her romantic pursuits altogether. The original Manga version had her regain memories of her past live where she made a vow of chastity to the Princess. She gets no romance what so ever after this.
In The Disturbance of Haruhi Suzumiya sexually-insecure teenage narrator Kyon is very careful to remind the reader of his heterosexuality in this story where men seem to be constantly be implying attraction to him, either through Three Is Company misunderstandings or just being Itsuki Koizumi.
Now let me set the record straight, I am an absolutely normal heterosexual male. My preference for "the same team" weighs less than that of a humming bird, in other words, it's non-existent. Whether subconsciously or unconsciously, my preference has been "straight". See? Aren't I right? My body would go hot just thinking about Asahina-san. If Koizumi had called me saying such stuff, I would've hung up already. By the way, I'm not bisexual either. Do I make myself clear?
- Kyon is a master of this trope, and due to his role in the story may be edging into Suspiciously Specific Denial.
Yuki of Gravitation spends the first couple of books reminding Shuichi about how totally straight he is. Less ironically, Hiro is also very conscious about his status as the token heterosexual around.
- The creator seems to enjoy throwing in little bits of Hiro-Shuichi Ho Yay everywhere. Witness the pocky incident in the very first episode. Also when Hiro is about to leave the band ("Your dream is my dream!" "And your dream is my dream!"). However, his crush on Ayaka is perfectly sufficient to serve the purpose of pairing him up and signaling to the audience that Hiro is (mostly) straight and the Ho Yay isn't going anywhere.
A slight variation (please move to a more appropriate page if one exists): In the hentai anime Frantic, Frustrated, Female and its sequels, the main character regularly refer to her friend as "onee-chan" (sister) and her landlady as "okaa-san" (mother), which is the emotional relationship she has with them. Every time she uses these words, and I mean, EVERY time, the subtitling is quick to point out that they're not related, and thus the lesbian sex scenes do not imply incest. M'kay?
- Which is actually a lampshading on the creators' side.
Arashi from Paradise Kiss has to remind both the readers and George that he is heterosexual, thank you, about as often as the latter brings up the subject that he plays for both teams -i.e., fairly often.
Something of an example in Angel Densetsu. While not intended as gay, it was noted that the character Yuji displayed a lot of Ho Yay towards the hero. Thus, in later parts of the manga, Yuji develops something of a When A Jerk Loves A Tsundere relationship with Ikuno, thereby establishing him as heterosexual.

Comics

One issue of Birds Of Prey has Black Canary going up Talia, daughter of Ra's al Ghul. Talia's main power appears to be wearing stripperific outfits and dominating people with her vampy dialog. But Canary isn't the least impressed with her because 'I'm heterosexual to the bone!'.
- Gail Simone stated that the original line was "seventy-five percent heterosexual", but it got shot down.

Fan Fic

Rose Potter, anyone?
Christian W. Chandler would like to remind you to STAY STRAIGHT!

Film

Jay of the View Askewniverse. In Clerks he rambles about performing oral sex on Silent Bob (who remains completely deadpan throughout, suggesting he does this a lot), then leaps away and screams "I LOVE WOMEN!" when a car drives past. Then again, in Dogma his response to being accused of fantasizing about men is "not all the time", which is as good as an admission that he does some of the time.
Halfway through the "I Like Boys" number in Teen Witch, you'll be thinking those girls are obviously in serious denial.
Rapper Alpa Chino in Tropic Thunder has built his career around this trope. He's gay.

I love the puss (hell yeah)/I love the pussy (hell yeah)/I love the pussy rollin' down to the floor

Outlaw of Gor. Watney Smith is trying a little too hard to declare how turned on he is by girls, despite being the annoying sidekick of muscular blond hunk Cabot ("CABOT!")
Watney: (looking at a blond girl) Oooh, yeah, I love 'em!
Tom Servo: I am SO heterosexual!
Achilles with his words and actions in Troy, since the very first minutes of the movie. Cousin. Totally my cousin. In conclusion: cousin.
- This backfired somewhat since, ironically, Achilles and Patroclus were indeed cousins, but this didn't preclude their being lovers in Ancient Greek society. Cousin relationships are far from universally taboo, whatever Hollywood thinks. Troy's principle inaccuracy was in making Patroclus younger; in fact, he was the older of the two according to the Iliad.
It doesn't get more blatant than the last line in Clue, by a man being blackmailed for being supposedly gay:
Mr. Green: I'm going to go home and sleep with my wife.
- Wild Mass Guessing: That wasn't the real Mr. Green.
Seth. 90% of his dialogue is about how much he wants to have sex girls who are far more attractive that a guy like him deserves, with the remaining 10% being devoted to his obsession with his "best friend" Evan.

Literature

In The Hollows series, Rachel repeatedly mentions not being 'wired that way' regarding Ivy (especially after she invites the vampiric Ivy to bite her in A Fistful of Charms).
Despite being surrounded by hawt bisexual men, Anita Blake goes out of her way to mention that by the way, she doesn't like girls at ALL and she isn't bisexual and so on and so forth. This doesn't stop her from snogging a gorgeous siren, or "holding fingertips" and gazing into the eyes of a stripper who's offering her a free lap dance, but... she's really straight, dammit!
- Not to mention that Bella Morte, fountain of blood for a line of vampires with sexually-based powers, gave her mind boggling oral sex in a magical dream. So Yeah.

Live Action TV

Stephen Colbert isn't gay, but he does claim that "Men know what men like". He also claims that the "Gay Agenda" (e.g. baby carrots) is to turn him, specifically, gay.
- In the Christmas special, he repeatedly gets caught under mistletoe with his special guests. Eventually, he makes out with a grizzly bear. The end credits make a point of noting that 'Female Bear' was played by Matt Brady.
- Don't forget the rainbow-themed closet parties he threw in college. Or the spectacular line "refuting" the gay-rights argument that nobody accuses straight people of choosing to be straight — it went something like, "Damn right I chose to be straight! I wake up every morning and fight those urges!" Or this Daily Show piece which contains the classic line, "We don't hate gay people." (Homophobic wingnut being interviewed: "No, we don't hate gay people.") "We're just angry at the ones who turn us on."
- And while we're on the subject, Tek Jansen has obviously had hundreds of girlfriends.
It was rumored that Star Trek Enterprise was going to have the franchise's first openly gay main character, and that this character was Malcolm. In fact, it transpired the possibility had been discussed with the actor but was eventually rejected. In what may or may not have been a response to this, the writers started to show him talking about women or flirting with women pretty often. His actor Dominic Keating, however, declared that he played Reed gay anyway, and considering his interactions with Tucker, Archer, and Hayes, fans tend to believe him.
- However, one episode involving the future crew being descended from the current crew as a result of time travel stated that he died a bachelor, causing him to look disappointed and vaguely pensive. It could be taken as an implication of his true sexuality, though that's probably not what was intended.
- Lampshaded in the final episode in which Riker is speaking to Malcolm and then appears to ask him if he found Trip attractive - we discover however the scene has secretly changed, and Riker is now addressing Hoshi.
- Have I mentioned I am screwing Green Skinned Space Babes, and not Green Blooded First Officers today?
  - We're not convinced.
Inverted with Jody Campbell of Soap (played by a young Billy Crystal). In the earlier seasons, he would shoehorn mentions of his homosexuality into damn near every scene he was in.
- Though to be fair, this was usually in response to another character (usually Bert) either insinuating or overtly insisting that Jody would be less gay if he would only date more women/do manly things. So basically, nearly everyone in the cast was obsessed with pointing out (or, in some cases, rather stridently denying) how very gay Jody was.
Scrubs: Turk and JD. Oh, Turk and JD.
J.D.: [waking from an Imagine Spot] STOP IT! I DON'T HAVE GAY JUNGLE FEVER!
Turk (to Carla): Okay, we should go!
- Even in the Musical Episode in which they have an entire song celebrating their "Guy Love", they find it necessary to mention that "There's nothing gay about it / In our eyes".
Jack Benjamin, crown prince of Gilboa in Kings, does this as a matter of policy, making a big show of what a boozy, party-hard womaniser he is. He gets a horrible surprise when he finds out his father has known all along. Quoth king Silas: "I've been keeping pictures of our family out of the free press for years... Wrestle it to the ground, numb it with ice, but you cannot be what God made you. Not if you mean to take my place."
- Jack is, of course, the Ho Yay interpretation of King Saul's son Jonathan, who had a covenant and very... hands-on relationship with David—even while David was Saul's biggest enemy.
In a Friends episode, when Chandler is trying to get a date for Rachel:
Chandler: I say, Drew! Are you seeing anybody right now? (Drew looks at him) Og-ee-op, I’m not asking for me, I’m… I mean… No, I’m-I’m not gay, I’m not asking you out. I’m not-I’m not-I’m not gay!
Drew: I didn’t think you were gay. I do now.
A variant occurs with the narrator of Breaking the Magician's Code. The male narrator takes the opportunity in every episode to mention to us just how much he appreciates the Masked Magician's hot female assistants. This is, of course, accompanied by the camera work adopting a Male Gaze.
- This just makes things more hilarious when he says something like "The secret to this illusion is hidden in the Magician's pants."
For most of her first season on Skins, Naomi Campbell (not that one) made numerous protestations of her heterosexuality. Since she'd say this in between passionate makeout sessions and even sex with Emily, neither Emily nor the audience were inclined to believe her.
Tomboy character Jo from The Facts of Life balances out her butch behaviour when she first arrives by constantly referring to her boyfriend Eddie, and getting into relationships with men more frequently than the other characters. Efforts to femme her up became increasingly blatant in later seasons. By the final season, she was married and wearing a skirt. Presumably, this was either to make her more marketable, or to discredit the Les Yay subtext between Jo and Blair.
With all of the Ho Yay on Whose Line Is It Anyway?, Colin Mocherie has reassured the audience that he is heterosexual when things have gotten waaay over-the-top.
- After Ryan talks about how much he and Colin love show tunes:
  Colin: I'm married!
- After Ryan kisses him on the lips to incite a Drew Carey Spit Take:
  Colin: I need to get home to my wife...
Alice from The L Word. She talks of being bisexual, but the only on-screen romance that she's ever had with a man was with a guy who claimed to be a lesbian in a man's body in the first season, which was played for laughs and dismissed.

Music

Katy Perry's I Kissed a Girl: A song about girl-on-girl kissing that implies she is drunk and so "lost [her] discretion", doesn't even know the girl's name, that the name doesn't matter anyway, that it "ain't no big deal", that she hopes her boyfriend doesn't mind (got that, right? her boyfriend) and that it doesn't mean she's in love tonight. The video pushes it further, while not featuring even a single kiss, as it still ends as All Just A Dream.
Anytime a rapper says "No homo," it's this trope.
If I were gay, I would give you my heart/And if I were gay, you'd be my work of art/And if I were gay, we would swim in romance/But I'm not gay, so get your hand out of my pants. Courtesy of Stephen Lynch who ends up shagging the friend he's talking to in the song.

Theater

Avenue Q. "I wish you could meet my girlfriend, but you can't because she is in Canada!"
- If you were gay...

Video Games

Gears of War 2 arguably does this. After the raft of jokes about about the homo-erotic 'macho man' overtones of the first game the second repeatedly refers to Dom's Wife and hints at a romance between Marcus and Anya that never serves any purpose beyond re-enforcing his heterosexuality.
- The achievements for the Co-Op Campaign go the other way with names like "Dom-Curious" in GoW 1, and "One Night Stand", "Open Relationship", and "Friends with Benefits" in GoW 2. Speaking of which...
Mocked and subverted (in that it brings forth more Ho Yay rather then denying it), Tales of Symphonia: Dawn Of The New World. In a sketch after discovering that Regal killed a loved one, Emil begins to wonder if he could kill Richter...At which point he lamely tries to explain the difference between his like for Richter and actual romantic affection. Keep in mind that this is his Inner Monologue...
- In the first game, one of the things Zelos says in his first encounter with the party is "I'm not interested in talking to guys", which is occasionally taken as borderline Suspiciously Specific Denial, or at least protesting a bit too much.
Dear, dear Yosuke from Persona4. Oh, indeed. Yes, partner, of course you're 100% straight, we get it already.

Webcomics

In Misfile Emily makes sure to frequently remind everyone that she and Ash are Just Friends and she has no romantic feelings whatsoever, none at all, nuh-uh, no way for Ash.
- She does have a justification, sorta. She has fallen for Ash, but Ash is an Accidental Gender Bender, and fully intends to revert said condition. So if Emily turns out to be lesbian, their relationship will not be possible. It seems she'd rather not find out.
Hunter of Suicide For Hire does this to some extent when explaining why he defended homosexuality by holding a congregation of protesters at gunpoint. Justified Trope in this case because he's a teenage boy discussing his actions with his best friend who is also a teenage boy, and possibly also because a flashback shows his father's, er, enthusiastic attempts to ensure his son's heterosexuality (by giving him porn when he was thirteen).
Monette of Something Positive originally made a point of reassuring everyone she met that she was not straight. And she failed miserably, because she always slept with every guy within reach... and a koala. She has since gotten better.
Subverted in El Goonish Shive - Nananse was constantly reminding herself she's straight and blames her attraction to Ellen on Ellen's pheromonic powers, only to find out Ellen dosn't have them anymore, wich means she really is a lesbian. Played straight with Ted, who has often denied being gay because of his appearance. Of course, considering what regularly happens in this webcomic, the sexuality of any main cast member, at some point, becomes quite debatable.
- To clarify: There's every indication that Ted really is straight (at least, again, inasmuch as orientation applies with EGS), and totally secure in what there is of his masculinity too. He only brings it up constantly because people are constantly questioning it.
Faz of Shortpacked seems to go out of his way to pursue women simply to reinforce his belief that he's straight, even though all evidence to the contrary (including his actual sexual relations in the past) contradicts this.

Web Original

Despite the quote at the top, Mackenzie Blaise from Tales Of MU is not actually an example. While she spends a lot of time reminding the readers that she isn't a lesbian, she doesn't pretend that her relationships with women are platonic.
- Eventually, anyway. She's goes into some pretty heavy denial at first. For example, upon having sex with Amaranth for the first time, her initial reaction is to deny that what they'd done counted as sex, and then to inquire into whether Amaranth possessed any special abilities that cause otherwise straight girls to be attracted to her.
Played straight and then subverted hard at the very last moment in the Zero Punctuation review of Guitar Hero III. Mentioning several times how he got together with guy friends to play the game, in a manly and completely heterosexual way, he finishes the review with:
"...but it's just not as fun as tonguing another man's balls—I mean, as it used to be. ...I'm not gay".
The [title of show] Show's "What is [title of show]?" [1] bit from Episode 3: "Hey Jim, I'm straight, did you watch the game last night?"

Real Life

There is an entire Facebook group dedicated to this trope in Real Life, called, "I'm Sexually Inappropriate With My Friends But Not Actually Gay". Or So I Heard. [2]
The infamous Real Life press conference called by baseball player Mike Piazza when he was a member of the New York Mets. The sole purpose of that conference, it seemed, was to announce that he was heterosexual. Rumors questioning Piazza's sexual preference had been getting pretty frequent up to that point.
- Piazza, New York catcher/ are you straight or are you gay?
After former U.S. Senator Larry Craig was caught having a homosexual affair, he arranged an interview that was essentially him mentioning he was heterosexual over and over again, with his wife constantly by his side. The Daily Show was naturally all over this. "And look! He's married! To a woman! A she-woman!"
- And that's not even going into his "wide stance" excuse.
Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual...
A running joke on one season of Have I Got News For You was that whenever Jason Donovan was mentioned, someone would quickly add a variation on "Jason Donovan? Did you know he's heterosexual?" - a reference to his then-topical overly defensive response to claims to the contrary.
- Specifically, he sued a magazine which said he was gay. Not because there was anything wrong with that, of course, but because they said he was lying about it.
When Eric "Eazy-E" Wright of the rap group N.W.A. revealed that he'd developed full-blown AIDS, he pretty much spent the remaining few months of his life telling anyone who would listen that he didn't get the disease from gay sex, but from good old fashioned groupie banging.
Cultural critic Devon Carbado wrote that he liked to play a game when reading articles about and interviews with gay author James Baldwin: count how many lines it takes for the author to somehow announce that he is heterosexual, usually via mentioning a wife. According to Carbado, it is always (or nearly always) in the low single digits.
Hal Sparks, post Queer As Folk, seems like he has to assert that he is heterosexual in real life at every opportunity by talking about women he'd like to have sex with as much as possible.
According to Bronson Pinchot, Tom Cruise was like this on the set of Risky Business.
- It should also be noted that when Tom Cruise's marriage to Nicole Kidman was breaking up, he sued a French gay porn star who claimed they'd done the deed. There was a reason for that South Park episode.
  "Daaaaad! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!"
- Or the episode of Family Guy that suggests that the reason Cruise runs in all his movies is to escape his own gay thoughts (represented by an Imagine Spot balloon of himself noticing attractive men on the film crew).
Let's face it—we all know somebody like this