Funny / Family Guy: Seasons 9 to 12

Season Nine

148. - And Then There Were Fewer

• When Brian is afraid of getting sent to the kennel, Stewie tells him that he always stinks when the family comes to pick him up.
• In the extended DVD edition, Peter tries out his funny voices as he and the family are driving up to the mansion.
  Peter: (Cowboy voice) Hi, pardner. I'm a cattle rustler. I rustle cattle. (Normal voice) Ooh, that's turning out good. Gotta use that. (Cockney voice) Oi! Oi, oi, mate! Oi, oi, It sure is not so very nice in this part o' London! (Normal voice) Oh, wow. That one's really good. Go ahead and keep that one to myself. How bad would I kick myself if someone ran off and made millions with that? I ain't no dummy. Hey, uh... (High-pitched voice) Hey! Hey, everybody! Hey, there! (Normal Voice) Ah, now what's this one? Who's this guy? (High-pitched voice) Who am I? I need a character! I need a backstory! I'm a... I'm a pie man! I sell pies! (Normal voice) Ah, man, see, this is why I wish I had more time to myself. I know these are good because I'm my toughest critic.
• When the Griffins arrive at the mansion and discover Joe and Bonnie were invited, too:
  Joe: Well, I got this invitation that said they were having a dinner in my honor. I assume it was for all those arrests I made last month.
  Peter: Eh, that's weird. My invitation said it would be in my honor. I assume it was for being able to fart the alphabet, which I was able to do 'til I pooped on the "s". Ah well, everybody on the bus was upset long before that anyway.
• When James Woods returns, having been absent during the first murder:
  James Woods: Sorry I took so long, I was going to the bathroom and I just couldn't stop looking at my penis because it's, you know, so fantastic.
  Peter: You're a — yeah, I heard it's fantastic — you're a monster, James Woods!
• Seamus's fake origin.
• Peter in a suit of armor.
  "Go Go Gadget Skis!"
• Patrick Stewart's voice cameo.

149. - Excellence in Broadcasting

• Rush Limbaugh's surprising, totally out of left-field (har har) guest shot should prove once and for all that Rush had a great sense of humor about himself. Yes, that's really him.
  Rush: What if I hid a piece of bologna in the book—and I don't tell you which page? Would you read it then, Brian? Would you read it to find the bologna?
• When Brian moves in with Rush, he replaces several of Rush's belongings with new ones made in America. All of them break down or malfunction except for his new cat, which moos.

150. - Welcome Back, Carter

• Limo jousting.
  Peter: That went exactly as I wanted it to go.
• Carter addressing the people of France.
  Carter: People of France, a good-looking depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie. And your sirens sound like gay guys having a threesome.
  (cut to an ambulence siren which sounds exactly like that)
• After Babs leaves Carter, Peter tries to help him pick up women at a bar. He blows it when he sees a black guy and mistakes him for a slave. The three girls he was talking to are then shown squeezing their faces together for a photo and spontaneously fusing into one fat girl.
  And that's where fat girls come from.
• To help Carter get Babs back, Peter suggests they reenact the romantic comedy plot of an ex-wife returning to her husband after he befriends a little kid. He hires Jonathan Lipnicki to be the kid, not knowing that he's long since become an adult, and Peter is horrified upon seeing him as a homely-looking man with a comically wide mouth.
• Babs's ex-boyfriend "Roginald".
  Carter: Get away from my wife, you rascal!
  Roginald: Such language in the presence of a lady! If it's a row you want, I will cleave you in twixt!
  Peter: Hang on Carter, I think I know how to take this guy down. (to Roginald) Penis.
  Roginald: Aaaaaaaah! [faints]
• The sheer Mood Whiplash when Carter apologizes to Babs:
  Carter: Babs, I need you. Cheating on you was the worst mistake of my life. I kneel before you a frightened soul and a broken man. A man who has nothing without you. Give me one more chance, and I pledge to place above you nothing, not even myself. For all my time here, and for time forever.
  Babs: Carter, what you did was unforgivable. And as beautiful as your words are, I... I just don't know that they can fix what's done.
  Carter: I know I can't do it overnight, but we can still have a lot of years together. Please, just let me try.
  Babs: Carter, you had sex with that woman. So, no, I can't trust you. But at my age, I'm certainly not going to remarry either. So, if you'd like to move back in and take things slowly, one step at a time, I suppose I can give you the chance to earn my trust again.
  Carter: That sounds like a lot of work. Go to hell!

151. - Halloween on Spooner Street

• When he sees the other kids in costumes and thinks they're real, Stewie pleads a kid offscreen dressed as Superman for help. He then starts shooting at them with a rifle and tells Brian that they're under attack from zombies, vampires, and a Mexican princess.
• The first house Stewie and Brian go to is Mayor West's. Instead of candy, he gives kids Cornish game hens and fills Stewie's bag with gravy.
• The cutaway of Peter getting lost in the supermarket.
• After the bullies that steal Stewie's candy spray-paint Brian pink, he meets The Pink Panther.
  Pink Panther: First day being pink?
  Brian: Yeah.
  Pink Panther: Welcome to Hell. (musical flourish plays)
• Chris (dressed as Optimus Prime) and Meg (dressed as a cat) freaking out after finding that they were making out with each other in a closet at a party.
• Quagmire's reason for suddenly going kamikaze.
  Quagmire: That was for making me have sex with Joe, you sons of bitches!
  Peter: You guys actually had sex?!
  Joe: Yeah, I kinda went rogue with that one.
• The Bland Name Products in Stewie's Halloween candy.
  Stewie: Brian, you took me out on my first Halloween tonight, and you showed me an exciting time. And for that, I'm going to let you pick out some candy from my bag.
  Brian: Oh, thanks.
  Stewie: And keep in mind we can't use any brand names, due to advertising concerns.
  Brian: Right, okay, I'll have a Mr. Wiffle bar, a Kooky Nut Pop, some Gyminyms, uh a Zip-Zap, a Choco-Buddy, uh, a $64000 Bar, a Not-A-Finger, and a Dawkin's Peanut Butter Disk.
  Stewie: God, I hate television.

152. - Baby, You Knock Me Out

• Peter: I need that money for bourbon and anime!
  Peter during cutaway: I don't understand any of this. Everyone in Japan is either a ten-year-old girl or a monster!

153. - Brian Writes a Bestseller

• (sigh) Well, at least it's not raining. (stabbed)
• At the end, Brian gives a backhanded non-apology to Stewie for the way he acted.
  Brian: So I'm sorry about how badly I reacted to your many errors.
  Stewie: That's as good as it's gonna get, isn't it?
  Brian: Pretty much.
  Stewie: You can't write.

154. - Road to the North Pole

• Brian and Stewie failing their first Christmas delivery as Santa Claus is an entire series of Crowning Moments Of Funny. Their effort goes From Bad to Worse, and more and more hilarious, with every incident. Brian and Stewie have to break into the house, fight over how to distribute the presents, beat a little girl's parents to death in front of her and tie her up. The final realization is one of the funniest scenes in the entire show:
  Stewie: Oh my god, we're in the wrong house!
• Stewie's lamentation when the Mall Santa left for the night...
  Stewie: That son of a bitch, he just turned his back on me! The way reality turned its back on Gary Busey!
  (Gilligan Cut to Gary Busey in his bathroom, looking at the mirror)
  Gary Busey: HOW'M I DOING TODAY, GARY BUSEY?!
  Gary's "Reflection," a Monster Clown: (flashing double thumbs-up) YOU'RE DOIN' GREAT!
  Gary Busey: (also flashing double thumbs-up) GOOD! THEN I'LL KEEP IT UP!
• This.
  Winnie the Pooh: Come on, Eeyore, let's go play!
  Eeyore: I don't wanna.
  Pooh: Why are you always so down?
  Eeyore: I have a nail in my anus.
  Pooh: Oh.
• The over-the-top multi-car crash Stewie causes with the signal flare. Goes on for what seems like a full minute, ending with Brian swerving to avoid running into Stewie (who's standing in the street calmly brushing himself off), crashing into a snowbank, and taking an airbag to the face. When he asks Stewie what happened Stewie just mumbles in a bored voice "Eh, just some... stupid stuff went down..."

155. - New Kidney in Town

• Four words: Peter on Red Bull. That is all.
• Peter buys a cow so he can have fresh milk every day, then milks it so fast its udder lights on fire. Chris then comes out, his groin also on fire after Peter gave him some Red Bull.
• Peter accidentally killing or maiming a portion of the audience on The Price Is Right when he spins the wheel so fast that it comes loose and rolls over them.
• When Lois gets rid of the Red Bull, she dumps it out the window and onto a daisy, which proceeds to grow giant, uproot itself, and stop a car claiming it to be "official flower business", then it throws the driver out and drives off.
• "Kerosene is fuel, Brian. Red Bull is fuel. Kerosene is Red Bull."
• "Brian, whatever kills me makes me stronger."
• When Lois asks Dr. Hartman if there's an alternative to Peter getting dialysis, he holds a revolver to Peter's temple.
• When Peter neglects to do his dialysis, his skin turns yellow and he claims that he feels like he can go on for another 20 years before puking blood and passing out.
• Barack Obama singing "Honestly Sincere" from Bye Bye Birdie was quite honestly the funniest thing the show has done in a very long time.

156. - And I'm Joyce Kinney

• Peter trying to give Consuela his phone number
  I'm not giving you quantities of the numbers, I'm giving you the numbers.
• Quagmire's priceless Jaw Drop upon seeing Lois' porn video.

157. - Friends of Peter G.

• The Overly Long Gag of Peter and Brian watching The Sound of Music with several misleading company credits that look like the beginning of a movie, coming to a head when a guy who's been shot in the arm runs through the rain into a cabin and it turns out to be a credit for "Panting Man's Wounded Shoulder Films".
  • During the actual movie, Peter and Brian get drunk, leading to Peter thinking he's in Narnia and Joe showing up and being exasperated that the disturbance he was called for is another of Peter's antics.
    Gretl: I've got a sore finger.
    Peter: I don't give a crap, we've got bigger problems!
• Brian states that people got along just fine for thousands of years without AA, just like they got along for thousands of years without religion. Cut to three men in biblical times reacting to the news of Jesus's birth:
  Man 1: I like you and have no reason not to.
  Man 2: I like you and have no reason not to.
  Man 3: Hey, did you hear about that magic baby that was born in Bethlehem?
  [they all suddenly stab each other to death]
• When Peter is driving drunk, he decides to put on a lullaby station and crashes into a tree. Death shows up and hopes that the driver was Rosie O'Donnell.
• When Death shows Peter a potential future where Peter is now a mean drunk who gives his family cigar burns, Stewie pretends to be his third son to get another one. Peter pushes him away and references the misheard lyrics from the intro in the early seasons:
  Drunk Future Peter: Stewie, go on, get out of here, you stupid "laugh and cry", "effin' cry", what's the difference?
• The ending where Peter decides that he'll only drink half of every six-pack he buys from now on and two seagulls at the dump are shown drunk on the beers that he threw out. They talk about how their feces is white even though they don't eat white things and one of them says that there's always something good leftover in KFC buckets, then freaks out when the other tells him that he's been eating bird meat.

158. - German Guy

• Apparently, Chris amused himself by putting his bedsheet in the washing machine with so much starch that it turned into a glass-like rectangular board that shatters when Lois drops it. Lois adds that she thinks the washing machine is pregnant; Peter, who is equally confused, says "life finds a way".
  • After his sheet shatters, Chris's clothes follow suit when Peter pats him on the back. Seeing Chris naked, Peter simply says "Yuck."
• Peter tries to get Chris into philateling (stamp collecting), but the former quickly becomes so bored that he shoots himself in the head offscreen.
• Herbert's recollection of serving in the Air Force in World War II:
  • During a bombing raid, his squadron encountered the Luftwaffe, who retreated because they thought the shark face on the front of Herbert's plane was real.
    German pilot 1: Ah! A shark!
    German pilot 2: How did it get all the way up here in the sky?!
    German pilot 1: Who cares, you fool, do you want to get eaten?! Retreat!
  • When Franz, who isn't fooled by Herbert's facade, shoots him down, Herbert is taken to a concentration camp when he's Mistaken for Gay by the Nazis who found his wallet full of pictures of little boys. At said concentration camp, Franz makes him sort the recyclables, but some of the soda bottles would still have a little bit left and get on his hands, making them sticky. He treats this as a traumatic incident.
  • When questioning the validity of his story, Peter asks if Herbert is Jamie Kennedy and if he's being "skunked, or puked, or whatever some shit". Herbert swears that it's true on his nephew's grave.
• When Chris learns the truth about Franz and the latter has Peter at gunpoint, Peter distracts him and swats his gun out of his hand, which Chris grabs and prepares to use on Franz. However, Chris gets confused and suddenly thinks Franz is Peter's Evil Twin, so he asks them what's his birthday. Franz gives the correct answer, causing Chris to shoot Peter and hug Franz, who takes the gun back.
  Peter: You idiot!
  Chris: Well, learn my birthday, asshole!
• The Black Comedy Burst of Quagmire's white noise machine playing the sound of a woman screaming for help, most likely being sexually assaulted.
• Peter tells Herbert that if he sees Meg to say "Thunder Thighs are on the move, Thunder Thighs are loose." Peter assumes Herbert will forget, but in the end it turns out he remembered.
• The whole fight between Herbert and Franz, which is two old men moving very slowly set to dramatic music. At one point Franz falls asleep, then they sit down on the couch to take their medications and Franz needs Herbert to call the former's nurse to help him get up, while the music keeps playing throughout.

159. - The Hand That Rocks the Wheelchair

• Peter replacing Meg in a cutaway while wearing her clothes.
• Patrick Stewart providing the voice of Susie Swanson's inner thoughts. Yes, really.
  ''This feels right but it tastes like a dirty penny."
• Evil Stewie saying "oh no" three times to attract the Kool-Aid Man, whom he shatters with a bat.

160. - Trading Places

• The "Carter destroys bench" scene.
  "You loved that bench!"
• "SHOW ME YOUR SCHOOL SPIRIT!" *BANG!*
• "I heard all of that, and I just want to say this family is fucking disintegrating."
• Peter's the "big Mamou".

161. - Tiegs for Two

• The Street Fighter II-style fight between Peter and Mr. Washi-Washi.
• Brian comparing Quagmire to a black woman in hindsight.
• Peter's extended Michael J. Fox cutaway.

162. - Brothers & Sisters

• Peter's flashback to - since he didn't have a brother or sister^note Later retconned in "Peter's Sister" - having a "broster" in his past.
  Broster: Hey, Peter, wanna see my paginis?
  Peter: I, uh, I...I don't know.
• Robert Loggia screaming "NOT OKAY!" after an AIDS joke. HUGE Big-Lipped Alligator Moment.
  • The AIDS joke itself was much more clever than one would have expected from a show like this:
    Mayor West: Oh, by the way, I should tell you I've got aids.
    Carol: What!?
    Mayor West: Yeah, they're right over there waiting for me!
    Aid: Ready to go when you are, sir!
    Mayor West: Poor guys, they both have AIDS.

163. - The Big Bang Theory

• Stewie breaking the fourth wall by saying that a brightly-colored ad for The Cleveland Show can still appear out of nowhere.
• After Stewie finds out that Leonardo da Vinci is his ancestor, Brian points out that it also means that Stewie has Italian heritage.
  Stewie: Of course! My love for Spaghetti-Os and smoking on the toilet! It all makes sense!
  Brian: Ew.

164. - Foreign Affairs

• Peter riding a scooter naked while teaching.
• Three words: Muppet-style sightseeing.
• Pre-wheelchair Joe replacing Stan in the original American Dad! intro. Following the Couch Gag of Stan's newspaper having a different headline in most episodes, here it reads "Newspaper Gag Fails to Live Up to Expectations".
• Calling the music video for David Bowie and Mick Jagger's "Dancing In the Street" gay, then playing the entirety of it. It catches a lot of flack for being pointless, but it definitely turns the video into total Narm.
  Peter: That happened, and we all let it happen.
• According to François, Paris has a problem with mime-on-mime violence. This is followed by a completely silent cutaway of one mime mugging another with a Finger Gun, then shooting him in the chest and blowing his head to pieces.

165. - It's A Trap!

• In the opening bit, they sound annoyed and resigned as the power goes out, instead of the surprised reactions from the previous two.
  Chris: Oh no!
  Meg: Not again!
  Stewie: We're about to do Jedi, aren't we?
  Peter: (sighs) Let's just get through this.
  • And this extends into the opening crawl as well.
    Luke Skywalker has returned to his home planet of Tatooine in order to— okay, you know what, we don't care. We were thinking of not even doing this one. Fox made us do it. When we did "Blue Harvest", they said, "Oh, you guys are crazy." They tried to talk us out of it, and it ended up making a ton of money. By then we were just finishing "Empire", and we were absolutely exhausted. But Fox suddenly had dollar signs in their eyes, and they said, "Seth, if you don't do 'Jedi', we're not gonna let you leave to go direct your movie."
    I'm sorry. I took a muscle relaxer earlier and it's kicking in. I'm just so stressed because there's been a car parked in front of my house for three straight days and there's a pillow in the back seat. And I've never seen anyone get in or out of it, but it moves a couple of feet one way or the other each day. Wouldn't it be funny if it was a bunch of raccoons living in there, moving it? You know, with their little paws on the steering wheel? And then another one working the brake and the gas? And the steering wheel raccoon and the pedal raccoon have to talk back and forth to each other 'cause the brake pedal guy can't see the road? I'm gonna keep thinking that, 'cause I know really it's probably a car bum.
    Look, just do me a huge favor and lower your expectations, okay? Just this one time. I promise I'll make it up to you. I mean, "Star Wars", fine. "Empire"— still not bad. But on this one we ran out of gas. Seriously, we let the assistants write it. Hell, even the Fed Ex guy got a joke in, and he calls the baby "Steve." Anyway, here's "Return of the Jedi" starring Steve as Darth Vader.
• The sequence where Brian is driving the AT-ST, then being attacked by a swarm of bees.
• Oh yeah? You and what lightning hands?

Season Ten

166. - Lottery Fever

• Not even a minute into the season and the theme song is once again interrupted. By a pregnant woman.
• Peter's sushi restaurant. "Here comes a black guy!"
• The numbers which were mistaken by a woman are:
  • 3 - An "E".
  • 0 - A spooky ghost mouth.
  • 8 - A snowman.
  • 44 - Two sailboats.
  • 17 - 17.
• The song during a montage of the family finding lottery tickets.
• "Butle my penis. BUTLE IT!"
• Peter diving into coins a la Scrooge McDuck. He gets horribly injured.
  • "IT'S NOT A LIQUID! IT'S A GREAT MANY PIECES OF SOLID MATTER, THAT FORM A HARD FLOOR-LIKE SURFACE!"
• TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!
• Peter wearing a solid gold tuxedo, which he says he had to fight three rappers down at the Nonsense Store to get.

167. - Seahorse Seashell Party

• "I'm gonna cut my ear off to prevent World War II."
  • After Brian cuts his ear off, Stewie scratches it. Brian's body reacts as if it were still attached.
• "DO YOU LIKE MY SOOTHING VOICE?"
• This bit before Meg's "The Reason You Suck" Speech, if only due to Memetic Mutation:
  Meg: You guys all think you're so much better than me!
  (cut to Peter, Lois and Chris wearing fancy clothes)
  Peter: Oh, Meg, that is the least fancy thing I have ever heard.
• Brian completely out of nowhere saying "Lesbians and deaf women wear the same clothes."
  Stewie: Yeah, they sure do buddy.

168. - Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q.

• The Iraq Lobster.
• Peter looking through the door's peephole and seeing Quagmire distorted in the glass with a sad face. When we see Quagmire, his face really was distorted like that from lack of sleep hearing the abuse going on in his house.
• Porch-of-Geese
  Peter: And we're just getting started!
• The cutaway of how hard it is getting a straight answer from a 23-year old girl.
• Soliciting a rooster.
  Man: I don't know what this "cock-a-doodle-doo" thing is, but it sounds gay and it sounds scatological. I'm in.
  Rooster: You're about to have a neat day.
• Peter mistaking Gwyneth Paltrow for a sick golden retriever.
• Joe misnaming Chris as “Caleb”
• Brenda's childhood song to Quagmire predicting that he'll die of autoerotic asphyxiation — with Brian questioning, "This song is from childhood?"
• After killing Jeff and giving Brenda a letter saying that he's leaving her, Peter says that he wants to kill someone else now and decides on Mort.

169. - Stewie Goes for a Drive

• Peter's Mexican fart.
  Mexican...ghost...thing that came out of Peter's ass: "CON CUIDADO, ES EL STIIIIINKO!" *fires guns into the air, causing everyone to run away screaming*
• Stewie crashing Brian's car.
• "Shoe and Shoelace, one is meaningless without the other."
• The entire scene of Lois inviting Peter to her book club.
  Lois: Come, join us!
  Peter: Oh! Okay!
  [Peter immediately proceeds to snap his own neck]

170. - Back to the Pilot

• The dozens of alternate Brians and Stewies. That is all.
  • Also, one of the Stewies has breasts!
• Present Brian and Stewie making the Kool-Aid Man late for his "oh no" arrival. Followed by him tripping and shattering.
  Kool-Aid Man: (pissed off) YOU GUYS DID THIS! YOU GUYS FUCKING DID THIS! TALKING ABOUT MY GUTS?! FUCKING ME UP?! FUCK YOU!!!
• Alternate Bush's "press statement" after the announcement that the South's leaving the Union again:
  Clip of Bush: Can anyone get me a clown's suitcase? I'd like to see what's inside it. (clip ends)
  Tom Tucker: Sorry, we seem to have the wrong clip. What's that? (touches earpiece) Really? That's it?
• The future of Family Guy.
  Peter: Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. (Cut to Peter standing against a blank white background.) Matthew McConaughey is terrible.
• "Pebble in my shoe, pebble in my shoe, pebble in my shoe."
• Frogmire. That is all.
  Frogmire: Ribbity.
• All the jokes about the older art style, and the bit about what cutaway gags actually look like from an outside perspective.
  Brian: That's odd. It's our house...but somehow it looks a little different.
• Brian stopping 9/11.

171. - Thanksgiving

• Mayor West tells a story to his grandchildren, then one of them interrupts. West declares him his favourite. He then tells the story to his great-grandchildren, one of whom interrupts. The kid gets burnt to cinders with lightning.
  Mayor West: Future old people are wizards.
• "This food is so fucking good Lois." "Oh, okay. Wow."
• When Peter calls Kevin a "Benedict Arnold Drummond", it cuts to the show's producers in a control room being stumped by him conflating the two and not knowing what cutaway to show, so they put one up of the Cowardly Lion as Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist. Elsewhere, Peter wonders what they're doing.

172. - Amish Guy

• Peter taking one bite out of a rice cake and reacting violently to it.
  Peter: WHO COULD THINK OF SUCH A HORRIBLE THING?!
• Peter's rant about Garfield: His 9 Lives. Just all of it.
• Peter trying to resist the urge of a delicious pie and warding off the cliched hand-like motion of the hot steam. So the steam tries to rape him! And it's making Quagmire watch!
• Sitting behind a giraffe at a ball game.
• Stewie's bad pun when the family winds up in Amish country. As well as Brian's reaction to it.
• The horse pooping on Meg may be funny, but that makes things worse for her.
• Peter trying to reason with Meg's Amish boyfriend's dad. Eventually, the dad agrees to let them see each other, but then Peter breaks out a radio in order to teach them about rock and roll. The song on the radio that Peter sings along to at the top of his lungs? Highway to Hell.
• Peter trying to destroy a barn a few times. The Amish men quickly rebuild it.
• YE SUCK
• The Vacation-style credits. Chris was churning that butter pretty hard.

173. - Cool Hand Peter

• The girls dressing Brian in a bee suit.
  • Followed by Lois telling them to do Stewie, leading to this hilarious and badass line.
    Stewie: Alright, I guess this is the night bitches die.
    • He says this while spinning the barrel of a revolver.
• When the Southern cop who spots some (obviously planted) drugs in the guys' trunk...
  Cleveland: Aw, come on! You planted that there!
  Peter: Oh my God! We had drugs? Why was I driving drunk when I could have been driving high?!?
• The guys are in a Southern court. And The Simpsons cast is the jury!
  Quagmire: Well, at least it's a jury of our peers.
  Joe: I don't think they see it that way.
• Peter buys a jetpack to escape from the work camp but only gets a few feet off the ground because he's chained to Cleveland and Joe. Cleveland admits that he wanted to see Peter fail.

174. - Grumpy Old Man

• How a pizza place ruins a salad.
  Employee 1: [on the phone, writing down the caller's order] Okay, 4 pizzas and a salad. [hangs up]
  Employee 2: Salad? How do you make a salad?
  Employee 1: First, you throw in the whole head of lettuce.
  Employee 2: Even the hard to eat white part at the bottom?
  Employee 1: That's what the people want! Now, what else?
  Employee 2: I got a can of whole black olives. Should I slice 'em up?
  Employee 1: What are you, crazy? No, you keep 'em whole! You're gonna wanna know you've got an olive in your mouth.
  Employee 2: What about this tomato?
  Employee 1: Cut it into thirds. It should be big enough to pretend you've got red teeth.
  Employee 2: How about this carrot? Should I cut it up?
  Employee 1: Yes, but very thin, lengthwise. The whole length of the carrot. One thin slice. Okay, what else do we got?
  Employee 2: Well, we got these hot peppers, but you can't really eat 'em.
  Employee 1: No problem. Dump 'em all in.
  Employee 2: Now, should we put it in a bowl?
  Employee 1: No, let's put it in a lasagna tray.
  Employee 2: Okay, great. I'll take it.
  Employee 1: Oh, and make sure to stick it right on top of the pizzas so it stays nice and warm.
  [phone rings]
  Employee 1: [answers it] Hello, Every Pizza Place.
• Joe's Fiona Apple tribute video.
• Peter beating an old man with cataracts to steal his bingo board.
• Peter ripping off someone's face a la Scooby-Doo.

175. - Meg and Quagmire

• At the Teen Choice Awards, as the audience members go ballistic and begin mutilating themselves, one of them gives birth and swings the newborn around in the air by their umbilical cord.
• "Lois. Griffin. Peter. Griffin. We. Heard. A loon."
• Quagmire explains the consequences of Meg turning 18 to Peter.
  Quagmire: Peter, it's me, Quagmire. This is what I do. Besides, Meg is 18 now and you've got to let go. You've done your job. It's my turn now!

176. - The Blind Side

• The Japanese version of tai-chi:
  Japanese Guy #1: Hey, you wanna see a movie?
  Japanese Guy #2: Nah, we're Japanese; let's go watch a schoolgirl bang an octopus.
• The "hooker."
• A blind person's interpretation of Titanic (1997).
• Peter's failed attempts at avoiding to falling down the stairs, giving him Amusing Injuries. His Cluster F-Bombs help out this moment. This includes him rubbing sandpaper on his shoes, and for a minor moment, using a pillow shield.

177. - Livin' on a Prayer

• Chris's sudden outburst toward Brian at the breakfast table:
  Brian: Well, that's what they [Christian Scientists] do. They believe that disease is just an illusion, and the only way to fight it is to make your faith stronger.
  Chris: Illusions? You wanna talk about illusions? If you die tomorrow, you think we're gonna be devastated, but you know what? We're just gonna go out and buy another dog. And maybe this dog will fetch a stick and bring me my slippers instead of prattling on about the pros and cons of various religions!
  Lois: Chris, I think you've had too much sugar cereal.
  Chris: I think I haven't had enough! [empties the cereal box into his bowl and shoves it in his face]
• Seventh-Day Adventists:
  Methodist: I'm a Methodist. We believe that the Lord is our savior, and we remember Him by going to church and praising Him every Sunday.
  Seventh-Day Adventist: I'm a Seventh-Day Adventist. We believe all the same things that you believe, but we go to church on Saturdays.
  Methodist: Whaaaaaaaat?! [bounces around Daffy Duck style]
• In the middle of Lois' heartfelt finale speech, Peter reminds her that they're in a comedy show.

178. - Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream

• The moment Chris introduces his new girlfriend Lindsey and we see she looks exactly like Lois.
• When James Woods is brought back to life by having a girl's vitality transferred to him, he throws the resulting shriveled husk out his car at Nora Ephron:
  Woods: Stop making Jack Nicholson a pansy!^note Changed to "homo" on DVD
  Ephron: You're thinking of Nancy Meyers!
  Woods: You're the same thing!
• When Lois says that Chris has difficulty handling news, she remembers informing him of Francis' death 5 seasons ago. Chris's response is to inexplicably turn into part dilophosaurus and blind Lois with his spit.

179. - Be Careful What You Fish For

• Brian watching The Adventures of Milo and Otis.
  "NO! NO! I reject the premise of this!"
• This...
  Brian: I mean she's teaching you guys independence.
  Stewie: WE'RE ONE. INDEPENDENCE MEANS WE DIE!
• When Brian learns about Stewie's horrible daycare teacher, he immediately comes over to give her a piece of his mind... until he goes in the backyard and sees her tanning in her bikini.
• Peter's plan to get Billy back with his wife involves having Quagmire talk to them dressed as Aquaman and having Joe talk to them dressed as Neptune. In a Funny Background Event, Joe can be seen slowly sinking to the ocean floor and laying motionless there, then at the end of the episode, Seamus finds him in his fishing net.

180. - Burning Down the Bayit

• Mort is so in the red that he can't afford real music for his pharmacy and has to sing the songs himself. The camera then cuts to a speaker playing Mort singing Huey Lewis and the News' "If This Is It".
• Mort's business was more successful when Muriel was still alive because customers would mentally undress her, then redress her when they saw "the horrible mess underneath", and in that interval, she'd rob them blind.
• To make sure Lois doesn't notice his absence as he helps Mort burn down the pharmacy, Peter replaced himself at home with a camel wearing his clothes. As it turns out, Lois had a similar idea and replaced herself with a donkey wearing her clothes to go out clubbing with Bonnie.
• While reading him his Miranda Rights, Joe tells Mort that he has a right to an attorney who is probably related to him, and indeed Mort's attorney looks and sounds exactly like him.
• When Joe asks Peter if there's a chance he could befriend Chris, Peter tells him that he wouldn't try, as Joe frightens Chris because Chris thinks Joe's a Transformer that broke halfway through. Apparently, Joe gets that accusation a lot.

181. - Killer Queen

• Stewie is afraid of the robot on the cover of Queen's "News of the World":
  Stewie: God, why does he look SAD?! He's already destroyed mankind, what else could he want?!
  Brian: He didn't kill Queen. They're all fine. (pause) Most of them are fine.
  • Before that, after being scared by a wall-sized image of the album cover:
    Stewie: (to Brian) I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE NEWS OF THE WORLD IS: WE'RE IN A LOT OF GODDAMN TROUBLE!
• Peter's, um, rendition of the "Major-General's Song."
• The fact that one of the kids at the fat camp is Barry should raise a chuckle, due to it being a funny cameo.
• Mayor West pulling hot dogs from his mouth. His score in the contest is in the negatives!
• Peter's Mundane Ghost Story ending with a take-out menu for... an all-vegan restaurant!
• When Joe prepares to arrest Patrick for the death of the first strangled camper, he realizes that he never bothered getting the kid's name and decides to just call him Bill for the time being.
• Peter, Joe, and Patrick decide to do a last-minute panty raid and come out of the girls' cabin with a massive pair of bloomers, which causes them to get swept away when the wind picks up.
• After Yamamoto is dead, Joe prepares to take Patrick back to the asylum, only to see that he took the opportunity to escape. Joe tries to make it look like a struggle instead of his own negligence and asks for someone to punch him in the face. Peter obliges, knocking him to the ground, and then hits him with his wheelchair.
  Peter: I'm a good friend to you.

182. - Forget-Me-Not

• Stewie tells Brian that he's lying to himself about being Peter's friend, like those girls who insist their best friends are attractive. There's then a cutaway of a woman introducing Stewie to her best friend, who turns out to be headless, and is holding her disembodied head under her arm.
  Stewie: Okay, okay, that was an extreme example, but face it, ladies, your best friends are not hot.
• Peter finding "Surfin' Bird" annoying.
• "Who else but Shirtpants?"
• When Joe finds his police uniform, he believes it to be a male stripper costume.
• Joe and Quagmire believe Peter to be responsible for destroying the world (aside from them and Brian) when they discover the poster that he had taken earlier after he won a game of laser tag.
• When it turns out that most of the episode took place in a Lotus-Eater Machine simulation, Stewie shows Brian that he tested the same scenario on Lois, Meg, and Bonnie. They started fighting as soon as they met each other and hadn't even tried to learn their names yet. Stewie even notes in dismay that it's literally only been three minutes since he started the scenario, compared to how long it took for the guys to devolve into fighting.

183. - You Can't Do That On Television, Peter

• Peter has plans to take pictures of lesbian butts for a calendar, but Lois tells him to take care of Stewie, so Peter protests by taking the vacuum cleaner and repeatedly stabbing the bag with a knife. Upon Brian seeing the destroyed vacuum cleaner:
  Brian: Whoever did this, thank you.
• "Hey, do you think Mother Maggie is married to Father Fa- oh, probably not."
• After Peter satirizes Lois on his show, a mob of kids beat her up while she's shopping. Stewie takes it further by knocking her out with a golf club and kicking her in the head.
• "Kentucky is a state, Kentucky is a state, all the people there are dicks, Kentucky is a state."

184. - Mr. and Mrs. Stewie

• One of Stewie's acts of mayhem with Penelope is planting a bomb in Mort's wallet to go off the next time he opens it. He somehow goes two weeks without opening it, so Stewie plants another bomb to go off when he burps into his hand. Mort triggers the burp bomb and then immediately triggers the wallet bomb when he checks to see if his wallet is okay.
  • Later, Penelope tricks Pakistan into nuking India by simply making it look like India told them "up yours". As Stewie points out, it didn't take much to set them off.
  • When the duo plays a sort of dare game, Stewie's challenge is to destroy Copenhagen with a tidal wave, and the theme is the Roaring 20's. The tidal wave is shown being surfed on by several flappers dancing to era-appropriate music.
• When Penelope asks Stewie to kill Brian, the tension is diffused by the announcer coming on and saying this:
  Announcer: Family Guy is brought to you by AXE body spray. AXE body spray: Spray it on after gym class instead of getting beat up in the shower. Kind of weird those guys want to fight you naked, huh? AXE body spray.
  • To do the deed, Stewie tries to strangle Brian with a string, but it breaks, then he tries to whack him with a sledgehammer, but it's too heavy, and lastly, he tries to chloroform him. Ultimately, Stewie can't bring himself to do it, then sneezes into the rag he was going to use and knocks himself out.
• The cutaway of Joan of Arc bragging about how masculine she is and how much she loves porn, comedy films, and Call of Duty (none of which would exist for hundreds of years after her death), then continuing to talk as she's burned at the stake.
• When Penelope arrives at the Griffin house to kill Brian herself, Brian assures Stewie that he can handle a 1-year-old. She immediately pulls out a raygun and zaps him, causing him to spasm and ask Stewie to tag in.
  • The duel between Stewie and Penelope ends with them getting a kiss in before parting ways. Stewie says that he's going to tell his friends that he banged her.
• After Meg doesn't appear for the entire episode, she shows up at the very end and Brian asks her what has she been up to. She excitedly opens her mouth to speak, only for the episode to immediately cut to black.

185. - Leggo My Meg-O

• When Meg is being auctioned, the music used to show her off is the Zonk cue from Let's Make a Deal.
• Brian getting a little too into shooting people.
  Brian: (after shooting and killing a thug) Oh! This is like a video game! (shoots and kills two more oncoming thugs) Huh, I’m kinda good at this! (singsong, when a waiter on a nearby boat falls into the water after Brian shoots and kills him) Later, dink!

186. - Tea Peter

• When Joe comes to order Peter's business shut down because of his lack of a vendor's license, Peter goes to City Hall to protest. He comes back visibly beaten, saying that City Hall knows karate.
• The scene change to the Drunken Clam after Joe shuts down Peter's business:
  Quagmire: Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom?
  Peter: Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down!
• One of the things that Peter tells Carter is happening since there's no government in Quahog anymore:
  Peter: Mr. Pewterschmidt, you gotta do something! The potholes ain't getting fixed no more! The stoplights ain't working! Tampon commercials no longer use blue liquids in their demonstrations!
  (cuts to Peter and the rest of the family watching TV in the living room)
  (the family reacts with disgust when they see a tampon commercial not using a blue liquid)
  Stewie: Make it blue, that's always been the deal! You show whatever you want, but you make it blue!

187. - Family Guy Viewer Mail No. 2

A - Chap of the Manor

• While most of the characters' British counterparts have unique names, Neville just refers to his daughter as British Meg, and British Seamus is nearly indistinguishable from the original.
• The hurt knee Running Gag has Neville repeatedly saying "bugger" instead of yelling.
• The British version of Ernie the Giant Chicken is a giant pheasant. Rather than having a city-destroying fight, he and Neville have a brief Wimp Fight and congratulate each other.

B - Fatman & Robin

• Peter saying, "It's Patch Adams Robin. He cures stuff the fun way, not the medicine way."
• Stewie tries to blend in with the Robin clones in the hopes that Peter will think he's already been transformed, and it works. At the end of the segment, he's sitting on the roof saying that he guesses Disney wouldn't let them use Genie's likeness.

C - Point of Stew

• In a Pet the Dog moment, Stewie goes back in time to convince Kurt Cobain not to kill himself and just drown his sorrows with Häagen-Dazs ice cream. When Stewie returns to the present, his shelf now has a Nirvana CD with an obese Cobain on the cover.
  Stewie: Ha! You're still alive, you fat fuck.
• "I got a story. It's about The Little Penis That Could."

188. Internal Affairs

• The hilariously over-the-top Chicken Fight. While previous fights have had Peter and the Giant Chicken fighting all over the city, this one has them be transported through time, into a cloning machine (resulting in hundreds of Peters and Giant Chickens fighting each other) and even into space.
• When Lois says that it was a mistake for Peter to convince Joe to have an affair, Stewie says that people have all made mistakes. There's a cutaway of him in an office building opening a door that reads "not an exit", behind which is a gorilla that begins mauling him.
  Stewie: Why did the sign say "not an exit"?! It should've just said "gorilla door"!

Season Eleven

189. - Into Fat Air

• Peter choosing a donkey with sunglasses.
• Brian pissing on top of Mount Everest, and the subsequent reaction from a random dog.
  Bloodhound: (sniffs air) Fuck, no way.
• This exchange during the trip to the Fishman's:
  Peter: A cold car ride through a dark suburban night. Look out the window and think of death, kids. Its-a comin'...

190. - Ratings Guy

• At the firehouse, Peter gets the idea to take a drink from a fire hose, the intense pressure from which strips the flesh off his head and leaves only his skull. He's more concerned that Chris got his shirt wet.
• One fireman states that they used to have to literally fight fires with their bare hands. He demonstrates by lighting a small fire which forms into a humanoid shape and wrestles him, but the fire grabs a shotgun and shoots the fireman before shooting itself in the mouth and dissipating. An understandably confused Lois asks "What the fuck was that?!"
• Peter's version of Mad Men.
• The complaints from the mob that come after Peter when he ruins television:
  Quagmire: You put a real cougar on Cougar Town, and now that cougar's dead because Courtney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws!
  Seamus: You turned Anderson Cooper 360 into Anderson Cooper 720! He's turning around too much!
  Bonnie: Yeah, and Lifetime is just one big rape now! They used to have stuff before and after the rape!
  Carter: You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system! Now it feels like they're not losing enough!
• Before Peter can use the Nielsen boxes to fix everything, Mayor West destroys all of them with a shotgun. His reason? Peter added another tree to One Tree Hill.
• The Self-Deprecation gag with Homer Simpson appearing. ^note For added bonus points, he's animated in the correct style (albeit with Family Guy-style gestures) and voiced by Dan Castellaneta!
  Homer: Guys, I broke television, and now you have to help me fix it!
  Peter: A-ha! Looks like this is one we beat you to.

191. - The Old Man and the Big 'C'

• Carter saying that he's kept the cure for cancer a secret the year Who Let the Dogs Out? came out.
  Brian: You've had it since 1999?
  Stewie: You know when Who Let the Dogs Out? came out?
  Brian: It's a song about dogs and letting them out.
• "Oh Carter, you devil!"

192. - Yug Ylimaf

• Brian and taking a woman with him back to the Hindenburg disaster.
  And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, there's a dog having sex with a woman! I know I said "Oh, the humanity" before, but seriously, oh, the humanity even more! I mean, come on!
• When Stewie wakes up from the sound of the time machine malfunctioning, Brian blames it on Meg. He tries to use a pair of women's underwear as evidence, but Stewie doesn't believe it's Meg's because "the crotch doesn't look like a BMX track".
• Stewie's reverse diaper change.
  Stewie: Oh my God, it just went back in my body.
• "WE JUST ATE SO MUCH VOMIT!"
  • Hell, the entire reverse-vomiting scene. It must be quoted in its entirety.
    [Brian and Stewie are in the bathroom and hear someone groaning]
    Stewie: What the devil is that?
    Brian: It's Peter and Chris. Sounds like they're in trouble.
    [Brian and Stewie run into the living room, only to realize that they are back in the ipecac scene from "8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter"]
    Stewie: My God, why is there vomit everywhere?
    Brian: Is that the ipecac bottle? Oh, no! No, please, not this.
    Stewie: Oh God... it's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going... !!HHEEOOOOO
    Brian: OH DEAR GOD! !!HHEEOOOOO Ohh! Oh..! [Vomit reverses onto Brian's eyes] Ow, what the hell?!
    [Peter goes back to Brian to hold back his ears.]
    Peter: !!!HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEELLL
    Stewie: I don't want it! I don't want anot—!!HHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLHU
    Chris: Dad, I'm scared! !!!LLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG [Cries]
    Stewie: Oh God, this is so disgusting I think I'm gonna puke! HUHLEEEEEEEEHH! !HHEEEEEEEELHUH Fuck!
• The reverse chicken fight.
• Peter falling up the stairs after saying he hates these "new stairs".
• The reverse bathtub gag where Cleveland's bathtub falls up. The reason he fell was that Peter crashed into his house trying to use a cannon to launch himself to Australia.
• The cutaway of Stewie forgetting what comes after G and having to fake it.
• The reverse of time causing Lacey Chabert to be the voice of Meg instead of Mila Kunis.
• "It's a girl!...with a penis and no vagina."
• Stewie's anguished "OH BLOODY HELL!" as he is born a second time.

193. - Joe's Revenge

• Chris dropping Brian and breaking his neck.
• Quagmire's "Swiss army penis".
• Let's use our eyes to see."
• The guy rubbing his butt on Dunkin' Donuts counters with the excuse that it's technically not illegal.

194. - Lois Comes Out of Her Shell

• Edward Scissorhands as a night nurse. If only because they got Johnny Depp himself to voice Edward.
• During the montage of Peter and Lois going out on the town, they take hits of Ecstasy at a club. Contrasting Lois, Peter gets wired and repeatedly slams the DJ's face into his turntable.
• After flushing Sheldon down the toilet, Stewie sees Chris is taking a bath and Chris just tells him to get out.
• Stewie getting saved by Mario.
• The horrified reactions of Meg, Chris and Brian hearing Lois and Peter banging in the basement.
  Brian: My hearing's better, so I'm hearing like, suction and stuff.

195. - Friends Without Benefits

• Chris's "dark side":
  Peter wakes up to find Chris sitting in the dark, in a rocking chair.
  Chris: Go back to sleep, dad.
  Peter: OK.
  Chris walks up to Peter, who is closing his eyes and whimpering. Strokes his cheek.
  Chris: You're very precious to me.

196. - Jesus, Mary & Joseph

• Peter playing with Cherry Chevapravatdumrong's name in the credits to make it say "Chemotherapy Vanguard vCr".

197. - Space Cadet

• The Monty Python's Flying Circus-style opening.
• In one cutaway, Chris, after Peter and Lois' deaths, turns them into singing trophies akin to a novelty animatronic bass and they sing "Hooked on a Feeling" with Lois doing the background vocals and Peter doing the main.
• Chris' principal thinking his well-done picture of Bob Belcher from Bob's Burgers is yet another example of how poorly he's doing in school.
• Chris being given money to appear on TV after modeling his hair and accent after Russell Brand's.
• Peter's invention of the razor blade comb, which causes his scalp to bleed when he uses it.
• At the space camp, Peter and Brian go into the sensory deprivation room. Their screams are heard, then when they come out Peter's head is now on Brian's body and vice versa, Peter commenting "Things got crazy so fast!"
• This exchange right after the family has dropped off Chris.
  Peter: No matter what, we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we saw on the way here.
  Lois: Peter, that was the University of Florida.
• After the Griffins are launched into space.
  Meg: I don't wanna die!
  Lois: Oh, Meg! All those suicide threats, and you're just as chicken-shit as everyone else.
• When Peter watches Breaking Bad, the TV hypnotizes him to incessantly talk about what a great show both it and The Wire are. Cueing a great joke later where he brings them up and Stewie says "Ugh, he never shuts up about those shows."
• While they are blasting off into space, Brian, calling YOLO, sticks his head out the window, shouting that it's the best part of whatever makes this enjoyable.
• After the Griffins are sent into space, Consuela steals their entire house. When they return home at the end of the episode, it's shown to now be in a rundown Spanish neighborhood.

198. - Brian's Play

• Peter poops himself during a performance of Little Shop of Horrors.
• The cutaway of Stewie as the human resources guy for The Muppets and firing Beaker because he's been taking supplies to make crystal meth and selling it to Big Bird, who at the end of the scene comes in with most of his feathers now gone.
• Another cutaway has Peter appearing to be eating his toast with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, but Brian replaced it with actual butter. He's driven insane and is shown being restrained after murdering three children.
• During Stewie's "Reason You Suck" Speech to Brian, he mentions that it took Peter a year to understand Stuart Little. Cut to Peter waking up in the middle of the night and thinking that "Stuart" means "mouse". Lois tells him no and he goes back to sleep, then he guesses "Little" means "mouse". Lois tells him no again, and he sadly remarks that "[He feels] so old and in the way."
• Stewie's dodgeball pseudonym being "Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower".
• Stewie poaching the lead of Brian's play to cast in the production of his play in New York. The lead tells Stewie he'll be right with him and he "just has to finish this crap" while in the middle of Brian's play.
• Doctor Hartman telling to Joe to "stand up, you jerk".

199. - The Giggity Wife

• Fingernails4Cash
• Peter and Lois' argument about "breakfast for dinner".
  "Pancakes are not a nighttime food!"
• Peter's Spanish soap opera — a Mexican version of Peter bursts into a mansion, smacks his wife, daughter, and mother into unconsciousness, says "Bueno" in a deadpan, then runs outside to jump into a giant sombrero which then flies away.
• Quagmire needs Peter to sleep with him in order to trick the hooker he married into thinking he's gay. As one of Peter's demands in exchange for this, they go to dinner in a fancy restaurant, with Quagmire getting increasingly frustrated with the situation until he finally snaps when Peter asks why he's so tense.
  Quagmire: I'm tense because I have to bang you in twenty minutes!
  Peter: Well, if it's so much of a chore! (cries and runs off)
  Quagmire: What the fuck is going on with my life?!

200. - Valentine's Day in Quahog

• Stewie traveling back in time, where he winds up making out with Baby Lois.
  Brian: So, what happened?
  Stewie: None of your fucking business what happened!
• Brian and his exes going back and forth about what sucked about each other.
• Kool-Aid Guy's parents meeting his girlfriend.
• Stewie accidentally being exposed to Peter's present, courtesy of Lois.
• Consuela sneaking out of the US to meet up with her husband for Valentine's Day.

201. - Chris Cross

• Chris tries to help Meg put in contacts, but before he can her eyes roll backward, leaving her blind.

202. - Call Girl

• Lois talking with Bonnie.
  Lois: It's kind of a long story, you see...
  Robert Loggia: Eight fucking hours later!
• Anime Peter.
• The whole first five minutes of the episode: Peter decides to become a falconer, and adopts a falcon named Xerxes. Some examples here.
• In a scene on the DVD version of the episode where Lois claims her job is doing voiceovers for 'obscure European commercials', Stewie says he should try getting back into working on TV since he hasn't been on it due to swearing. Cut to the opening titles:
  Family (singing): Lucky there's a man who/positively can do/all the things that make us...
  Stewie (yelling): SUCK MY COCK, MOTHERFUCKER!

203. - Turban Cowboy

• Peter parachuting into Angry Birds.

204. - 12 and a Half Angry Men

• Peter accidentally dropping his phone in the toilet at a public restroom. You only hear his voice and some splashing behind a stall door and see his legs kneeling on the floor as he's struggling to find it:
  Oh ow! it's so cold and it's under everything! Ugh! Feels like I'm rooting around a pitcher of sangria! Ugh, where is it? Oh god, why haven't I found it yet?! Oh no, I didn't roll my sleeve up far enough! Oh, why didn't I flush when I got in here?! Augh! This isn't even all mine! Oh no, there's a spider crawling on my face! (slap) Ahh! Why didn't I use the hand that was on the floor?! WHY DID I USE MY TOILET HAND?!! Oh, here it is behind the toilet.
• When Bruce is reading the second jury vote.
  Bruce: Guilty...guilty...some hurtful slurs followed by the word guilty...
  Carter: Haha...
• During Quagmire's demonstration of an orgy, Dr. Hartman is suspended from the ceiling in his underwear.
  • And then when Quagmire throws himself on top of the orgy demonstration and displays his own move called "The Butter Pat", he inexplicably melts over them all.
• The revelation that Carl can't write.
  Bruce: This one's just a squiggly line.
  Carl: That's, uh, that's "guilty" in Latin.
  Carl (in his head): You're playing a dangerous game, Carl.
• Everyone arguing when one person (Herbert) voted not guilty and then saying "Ew!"
  Peter: I farted during the murmuring.
• Stewie asking Brian why he's so proud about finding a man not guilty when the killer is still at large.
• Once the jury finally agrees on a verdict:
  Peter: Hey, guys? I realized my jury duty's tomorrow.
• We see that Peter likes to release his anger by taking a bath... with the rest of the family in there with him.
  Lois: Peter, how long do we have to sit here?
  Peter: (angrily) Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked bunch of bitches!

205. - Bigfat

• The opening. Peter gets shot by his new neighbor, Stan Smith, to silence him after he learns about Roger, but wakes to find it was a nightmare. At which point, Hank Hill walks in, and the whole thing is revealed to be one of his dreams.
  Hank: Damn it, I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.
• Feral!Peter, who's spent over 2 months living in the wilderness. His reaction to television is to hump it.
  Chris: He's doing what we're all thinking.
• What finally snaps Peter back to normal;
  Peter: Shut up, Meg.

206. - Total Recall

• After getting over his cold, Peter tries to make himself sick again to get back the deeper voice he had, so he goes to a restaurant that Lindsay Lohan just ate at and licks her dessert fork. He then bleeds out of his ears and nose and demands that the busboy give him cocaine.
• Where in World War II is Waldo? It's just live-action WWII footage where a drowned Waldo is clearly visible in the lower-left corner.
• Lois makes a joke to Horace and everyone laughs. When Peter says the exact same thing, Horace decks him and knocks him to the floor.
• After returning home with Rupert, Stewie chokes to death when one of Rupert's eyes comes loose and flies into his mouth, explaining why he was recalled in the first place. Seeing him, Chris is unfazed and matter-of-factly tells Lois that Stewie is dead.

207. - Save the Clam

• Female batters.
  Peter: Alright, chick batter. Everyone bring it on in.
  Butch Lesbian: Get a hit, babe!
  Batter: You know it, babe.
  Peter: Alright, move it back, move it back.
  • Jerome has to adjust himself before batting. So he touches his foot.
• When Horace dies, Dr. Hartman flips his eyes open because he already closed them when he died.
• The film reel of drunk driving accidents the Drunken Clam has caused under Horace's ownership. These include Peter getting his car in a tree, Joe driving his wheelchair down a highway, and Quagmire flying a plane.
• When Meg tells Chris to stop messing around at the funeral home, Chris says that she's like one of those Asian-Americans who fought in Vietnam.
  Asian man: [screams on seeing his reflection in his bathroom mirror] Oh, it's just me.
  • Chris later steals a body from the funeral home right before his wake and Meg threatens to tell Jennifer Connelly that he's the one who keeps mailing her severed dog heads.
    Chris: (at the post office) Uh, yes, I'd like to mail this to a whore.
  • After Chris accidentally destroys the body and is forced to impersonate him at the wake, the man's widow says that he was an organ donor. Chris then has his face removed off-screen and given to a woman who just lost hers in an accident.
    Chris: (faceless and reading about the face transplant in the news) Meg, though you cannot tell, I am frowning.

208. - Farmer Guy

• As Tom and Joyce report that criminal activity in Quahog has risen, Tom plants a gun on the desk and makes it known that he doesn't plan on letting anyone steal his car.
  Tom: Just to put it out there, Tom Tucker is packin'. I drive a 2006 Infiniti, and I don't intend to lose it. So come and get some, punks.
• The crime wave that hits Quahog:
  • A guy mugs Quagmire and questions why his wallet is white. Quagmire says that Truman Capote had a white wallet, and when the mugger doesn't know who Truman Capote is, Quagmire admonishes him for it. As the mugger runs away, Quagmire tells him that his wallet has his library card in it and the mugger should use it to get educated.
  • A seal draws a knife and demands that his handler give him all of the fish, then says that he might balance a ball on her nose for once.
  • A baby is born with a gun and goes on a shooting.
• When the Griffins find that their house has been burglarized, Peter says that they even stole his sense of wonder. Cut to him looking at a rainbow before turning around and saying "Nope."
• A cutaway has Peter and Lois deciding to have sex in a restaurant restroom. Peter instead ends up having sex with a man who is Lois' Spear Counterpart, who thought he was having sex with his wife, who is Peter's Distaff Counterpart.
• Peter's immediate devolution into paranoia. "Welp, now that we're selling meth, I guess I'll have to turn into one of those guys who freaks out at imaginary noises!"
• Brian revealing that he's going to Quahog Tech State Tech. Stewie's response is "'Tech' is in there twice?"
• Brian's reaction when the family reveals they're going to a nice farm upstate (which, in this case, is an actual farm, not a euphemism for euthanizing Brian, as that phrase is often used to explain away the death of a pet) is comic gold.
• Peter sends a carrier pigeon to get a payment from one of his clients. After the client gives the pigeon the money, it cuts to the pigeon having blown it on a jet ski with "Round and Round" playing.
• Stewie buying cough syrup for meth production from a very unconvinced pharmacist.
  Stewie: Uh, I have a cold... achoo...
• When Peter catches Meg and Chris neglecting their chores in the kitchen, this exchange follows:
  Peter: Hey, I thought I told you kids to go plow in the field.
  Chris: But dad, we've been plowing all morning.
  Meg: Yeah, I can't take any more plowing. I can barely walk.
  Peter: Look, I know it seems like dirty work, but Chris, you've got to spread that seed until your sack is empty, and Meg, you've got to clear that brush so he can plant it deep where it needs to be.
  Chris: Okay, we'll keep at it, but I think that hoe is pretty much worn out.
  Peter: Well, flip it over, you can use both sides.
  (all three strike a "ta-da!" pose)
• The meth lab exploding and destroying the whole house at the end.
  Stewie: There were a lot of rottweilers in that house.

209. - Roads to Vegas

• In the montage of Lucky Brian and Stewie in Vegas, a magician pulls a magic trick on a white tiger in a cage that results in it switching places with Stewie. The tiger then gives Brian a high-five.
• Lucky Brian takes a hit out on Quagmire's cat, then the hitman sends him a confirmation via text.
• Right before the second commercial break, the scene shows Unlucky Stewie saying he has a bad feeling, Lucky Stewie saying he has a good feeling, and Peter about to attempt to get the honey out of a beehive.
• Unlucky Brian and Stewie make a suicide pact and prepare to jump from their hotel window, but Stewie backs out at the last second and leaves Brian to fall to his death as Brian yells "You dick!"
• The ending where Lucky Stewie meets Unlucky Brian in Heaven.

210. - No Country Club for Old Men

• Peter's musical farts.
• Peter and Carter trying to get into the country club by posing as "Viscount James Earl Tennisraquet" and "Duke of LaCrosseteam".
• Peter giving Lois a haircut.
  Peter: You look like garbage, what happened?

Season Twelve

211. - Finders Keepers

• Peter's Jaw Drop when hearing about the treasure map.
• Peter disgusting Meg with his bad breath while singing "Minnie the Moocher" in the car. When she bails the car, Peter gives her "mouth to nose" resuscitation.
• Joe and Quagmire's argument about eating a Mounds bar.
• When Lois quits the treasure hunt, Peter hires Tricia Takanawa to be the new Lois.
• When Peter asks Lois to forgive him because Chris forgave him for giving him a black eye earlier, it goes to Chris rubbing an ice pack over his eye muttering "I can't wait for you to fall asleep tonight."
• Peter using his cutaway setups to transport himself.
• Peter's documentary, which he adds "every animal on Earth lays eggs". The images are beautiful (and the two dogs playing together is downright adorable), but Peter's quotes make it funny.
• The "Peas in a Pod" cutaway. There's one pea inside a closed pod and one sitting outside it, and a third pea tries to enter the pod.
  Pea: Wait, wait, don't go in there. He's doing his podcast.
  (The camera zooms out to show an old lady watching the sketch on TV)
  Old Lady: Oh, that's cute, now that I like.
  (Peter appears on the TV, naked and holding a pig in front of his crotch)
  Peter: What do you think about this, you old bag!?
  Old Lady: Ohhhhh nooooo.

212. - Vestigial Peter

• Lois beating up Peter just because he did grocery shopping, which is basically her Serious Business.
  Chris: Dad, I got the rest from the car and-
  Peter: CHRIS, RUN! YOU WERE RIGHT! SHE DIDN'T APPRECIATE IT!
  Chris: Oh, Crap! (retreats, only for Lois to throw a can at him) Ow!
  Lois: That's right. I do groceries.
• Peter and Lois go to the mall and enter a Sears, which has now become a Mad Max-style wreckage.
  • The sniper that shoots Peter off-screen.
• Chris screaming at the top of his lungs when he first sees Chip.
• In a cutaway gag, Peter gets reincarnated as an airbag. See Here.

213. - Quagmire's Quagmire

• When Lois finds Chris's Halloween costume from the year he went as a condom, there's a cutaway of Quagmire asking him what he is supposed to be.
• Never be afraid to be different.
• Peter and Joe leave the Clam heavily drunk. In a rare instance of responsible behavior, Peter gives Joe his car keys. Joe then gives his car keys to Peter. Later, Peter pulls Joe over for drunk driving, and tells him to step out of the car, which results in Joe faceplanting onto the road.

214. - A Fistful of Meg

• What Meg did to provoke Mike into challenging her in the first place. In a Shout-Out to A Christmas Story, Meg trips, sending her spaghetti flying and tumbling back down onto herself and Mike's jacket. The same gag is also a possible callback to "Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story"'s reveal that Future!Meg is a female-to-male transgender.
  Meg: Ooooooooohhhhhhhh, fuuuuuuuudddddddgggggggeeeeee!
  Jean Shepherd: Only I didn't say fudge. I said *bleeeeeeeeep*.
• Meg fears getting beaten up by Mike and says she can already imagine her funeral. It then cuts away to a casket lowering into a grave...and Peter tossing Meg's corpse into the grave.
  Peter: Thanks, didn't want to pay for the hole.
• During the flashback to Meg's birth, it's shown that Peter wrote on her birth certificate to change "Megan" to "Megatron".
• When Neil tries to befriend Mike, Mike turns him into a balloon animal, sticks him to a locker, and pops him with a knife.
• Stewie imagining a menstrual cycle as a Dr. Seuss-style vehicle/musical instrument. In a later scene, Meg drives one that looks exactly like Stewie imagined it.
• Peter going 6 months without bathing, causing him to turn into a sentient mass of food.
  Garbage!Peter: Hungry! Hungry! Pour food on my pile! (Lois pours food onto Peter) I will assimilate this new smell into the larger Borg of my smells.
• Quagmire and Meg appearing in the opening of Punch-Out!!, followed by Peter showing up behind them and declaring "I'm in the video game too!"
• Brian forcing his hairless body on Peter definitely counts as Nausea Fuel, but Chris and Lois' reactions deserve a mention: Chris claws his eyes out and Lois goes for a gun.
• Meg kills Mike by lifting up her shirt, causing him to melt Ark of the Covenant style.

215. - Boopa-Dee Bappa-Dee

• The whole family relocates to Italy. Among other things, Meg starts dating Mario. And Luigi.
• The gondolier in the hotel bathroom.
• When Lois says she wants to return to America, we get this exchange.
  Peter: Go back? But I thought you loved Italian Peter! And Southern Italian Peter!
  (a dark-skinned Peter with a bushy black mustache walks in)
  Southern Italian Peter: Olive oil!
• When the Griffins are trying to reclaim their American citizenship, which Peter renounced by changing their nationality on the networking site Shutupayofacebook, part of the test is singing the US national anthem. Everyone pulls it off, except Chris who sings the theme from The Bodyguard instead.
• The Mafia appearing. Specifically, the long gag where they threaten to steal people's credit cards. "Sure, you can dispute the charges, but you have to call them, and it's always like they don't believe you."
• Meg and Chris attending school in Italy. Their teacher's "lecture" only involves her shaking her gigantic breasts around while chanting, "Ratatatatatata!"
• HEY LOIS, (C)ANAL TONIGHT?
• When Peter is trying to change channels on the hotel TV, it somehow affects Stewie instead, turning him into Bart Simpson, Bobby Hill, Rallo Tubbs, Steve Smith, Bender, Louise Belcher, Allen Gregory, and Manny Delgado.

216. - Life of Brian

• At the vet, Peter sits next to a decapitated chicken holding his head in his right arm. The chicken tells Peter not to talk to him because Peter has a bad reputation in the chicken community.
• At Brian's funeral, Mayor West complains that nobody went to his own funeral, then gets out of his chair and walks off while fading away, revealing that he's a ghost. Might be a bit uncomfortable to watch after the real West's death, though.
• Quagmire, known to hate Brian's guts, watching baseball at his funeral.
  Quagmire: Damn it Ortiz, stop swinging at junk!
• The cutaway about Joe driving Grimace around town.

217. - Into Harmony's Way

• The Griffins watching a satire of Muppet Babies (1984), where Kermit and Miss Piggy are looking at Kermit Jr., who is a frog-pig hybrid whose every waking moment is agony.
  Kermit Jr.: KILL ME, I'M IN CONSTANT PAIN!
• Quagmire getting followed home by an M-to-F transvestite, whose face is still very masculine and has a 5 o'clock shadow.
  • It's implied he still had sex with her as long as no one saw her come inside.
• Mort's fall from fame as the manager of Earth, Wind & Fire (and Pollen): he reveals that he had an addiction during his manager days - olives, which actually turned him into a handsome, deep-voiced guy at one point, which is treated by him like a drug-addled rock star lamenting his lost good looks.
  Handsome Mort: What has happened to you, Mort Goldman? You've hit rock bottom.
• The lyrics to all of Peter and Quagmire's songs. Special mention goes to "Train on the Water, Boat on a Track" and "Get Out of the Left Lane You Stupid Asian Bitch".
• The All Five-Foot-One Black Albino Choir.
• When Peter feels bad about leaving the family behind, he imagines what Thanksgiving will be like without him to cut the turkey. Cut to Lois vacuuming the turkey not knowing what to do.
• Stewie at the dinner table: "Meg, could you zip up your fly? Th-that's kind of wafting over here."
• Peter and Quagmire kissing.
• Peter committing suicide in the ending, right after the family reunion was played as a typical positive sitcom moral.

218. - Christmas Guy

• Stewie acknowledges that he doesn't age when Lois says that it's his first Christmas and he replies "Again?"
• Peter's small cog.
• When Stewie is angered that the Christmas Carnival has been canceled, we see Lois and Peter inside conversing of how Carter now has blood on his hands while Stewie is outside talking down the Christmas lights from the house across the street, making out with and beheading a snowman and finally nuking the entire town.
• After that, when Lois mentions that her father always hated Christmas, the scene cuts away to Carter coming down Santa's chimney on June 16th and touching all of Santa's stuff with his soot-covered hands.
• Carter flips off a window cleaner. [1]
• Peter force-feeding Carter eggnog, making him talk with his mouth full, covering him in it, and recording him. The entire scene is done in a very suggestive way.
• Also the scene where Peter mentions that canceling the carnival is making people think Carter is Jewish. Carter is alerted by this and we get a Smash Cut to the carnival now open.
• "I LOVE THE CHRISTMAS CARNIVAL!!!"
  Lois: Chris, calm down. You're getting a nosebleed.
• The Griffins come across the Chinese carolers from A Christmas Story:
  Peter: That's right, America, don't forget. Your beloved holiday movie is incredibly racist.
  Caroler: And flom not that rong ago.

219. - Peter Problems

• Peter using his pay raise to afford a fancy cutaway setup involving jets and lightning.
• Peter and Quagmire using the forklift to drag Joe around by his shirt to let him pretend he's walking again. His pants fall off at one point, but he's so happy that he doesn't notice.
• Peter attempting to chug a 600-gallon container of Pawtucket Patriot beer, resulting in him passing out, crashing his forklift through a wall, and nearly killing most of the board of directors.
• Bach and Debussy
• Lois' job interview at the grocery store, which just consists of her answering "groceries" to every question. And she still gets the job.
• "You get to see all the food before it's famous!"
• Peter screws up making dinner, but not in a way you'd expect; he puts three Cornish game hens in the chairs at the table, pulls a roasted Chris out of the oven, opens the freezer to find Stewie frozen, and finds that he cut off Meg's head and microwaved it, then it proceeds to explode like an overcooked hot dog. However, all three were later seen, alive and well, eating at a table with no explanation given.
  • Peter then says that he tried, and has earned a bottle of wine.
• When Dr. Hartman is told that Viagra and Cialis are for erectile dysfunction after thinking they were antidepressants, the scene cuts to Droopy staring out his window during a rainstorm lamenting "Everything's just getting harder and harder."
• According to Joe, it takes him three hours to get ready for bed.
• Peter gets his job back by cashing in a coupon for a job redo he got for Valentine's Day. And another coupon for a hug that's expired.
• A customer at the grocery store says "This is a cool place." when he sees Peter and Lois having sex on the pita bread offscreen.

220. - Grimm Job

A - Jack and the Beanstalk

• Jack and his wife get into an argument about the magic beans.
  Jack: I never even friggin heard of magic beans until you brought them up! If I get some, it's you that caused it!
• Jack hangs a lampshade on the Giants "fee fi fo fum" bit.
  Jack: You know, it's odd that you would speak gibberish of your own choosing, and still not have it rhyme.
• At the end of the segment, Bruce plants some magic beans and squats over them.
  Bruce: And now we wait.

B - Little Red Riding Hood

• The items in the basket Red Riding Hood's mom gives her to bring to grandmother's house.
  Stewie: Why is there a bag of ice in here? And... is this a Coors Party Ball?! Is grandma entertaining Florida jetski people?
• Peter/The Woodsman randomly bursts in and violently bisects Brian/The Wolf with a chainsaw, then runs out again. Stewie then asks that he's not sure if The Woodsman is the hero of the story or some lunatic going house to house murdering people.
  • Considering that you then hear him break into the house next door and murder the occupants, it's probably the latter.

C - Cinderella

• When Stewie asks Cinderella (Lois) how she made her dress so fast.
  Cinderella (Lois): Oh, you know. I have an eye for fashion and I'm pretty good with my hands.
  Mouse 1: Unbelievable!
  Mouse 2: Now I'm nervous about the screenplay we gave her.
  • Also, Cinderella recalling how the stepsisters pranked her by having King Midas go third-base on her.
• "Oh God, we have so few female characters."
• While dancing with Cinderella, Prince Charming declares that the next song will be their song. The theme tune for The Cleveland Show starts playing, and Cleveland as the conductor turns to give a thumbs up.

• At the end of the episode, Peter says goodnight to Chris and closes his bedroom door, revealing Herbert hiding behind it.

221. - Brian's a Bad Father

• When Brian gets fired from the show, he decides to take some of the table food for himself, eventually stuffing the entire table into his car.
• The cutaway involving the MGM lion living his childhood dream of "sticking his head in a circle at the beginning of movies".
  Lion: What's up now, bitches!?
• The return of Zac Sawyer.
• Brian trying to get into the studio, only to quickly realize that making a warning threat to a guard only makes you easy to read.
  Stewie: You know, when you say "for this", it really telegraphs what you're going to do.
• The cutaway of a version of Saving Private Ryan sponsored by Mazda. The scene where the Nazi stabs Mellish is reenacted, with a twist:
  Nazi: Sssh, sssh, sssh... (whispering) Zoom zoom.
• Brian says that he's a worse father than Marvin Gaye's father, followed by one very dark cutaway:
  Marvin: Happy Father's Day, Dad.
  Marvin Sr.: Marvin, if this another tie, I'm gonna kill you.
• The ending, in which Peter is now (even more) mentally retarded after Quagmire shot him in the head.

222. - Mom's the Word

• Peter struggling to make it to the restroom with people trying to invite him to certain things. He then beats up everyone while still walking to the restroom a la Airplane!
  Peter: Finally, now I can go to the-
  (farts)
  Peter: UH-OH!
  • Even better is the reason for his Potty Emergency: he ate a taco he found in the parking lot. In the end, he ends up having to wear his shirt as a pair of improvised pants home.
• When Peter and Lois look through a book which has young Peter's footprints in it, the last pages shift from having normal human footprints to having giant three-toed reptilian clawed footprints.
  Peter: When I was 8, I was a dragon.
• When Peter first meets Evelyn, he asks if she's Cocoon, and apologizes for not having any glowing rocks that make you younger.
• S.T. the Special Terrestrial.
• When Peter brings Evelyn to the Clam, her behavior towards Peter creeps Quagmire out, so he leaves. He is quickly followed by Joe, who gets up from his wheelchair and walks away.
  Joe: Well, God said I could walk just once. I was saving this for Suzie's wedding day, but...
• Stewie trying to kill himself by dropping a toaster in the bathtub, only for the electricity to turn him into Toaster Man.
• When Peter accidentally kills Evelyn by hugging her too hard.

223. - 3 Acts of God

• Jerusalem is filled with clones of Mort, and Joe throws pennies to attract them like throwing crumbs to pigeons. Admit it, you chuckled.
• Brian defending his atheism despite the fact that Peter met God by saying that Peter believes Mickey Mouse is somehow always there whenever he goes to Disney World.
• The cutaway showing Peter setting up cutaways.
  Peter: Now, where are the gays?
  Gay Man: Over here.
  Peter: No, the really cartoony gays.
  Cartoony Gay Man: (sing-songy) Yooooohooooo!
  Peter: Yeah, we're gonna need you all week.
• Peter making a cutaway that leads to a pedophile joke, then complaining to the Television Academy about them not winning an Emmy, saying that they would have laughed at the joke had Modern Family done the same thing.
• Taylor Swift and "Taylor Not-So-Swift":
  Taylor Not-So-Swift: (singing) I broke up with a birthday cake.
  Birthday Cake: Ugh. We went on, like, two dates.
• Death explains to the guys why he showed up:
  Death: Actually, I'm here for your show.
  Cleveland: Aw, come on, man. I'm on vacation.
  Peter: Wait a minute, Death, you work with God! Will you take us to Him?
  Death: Sure, I guess I could. But don't you mean Her?
  (all of them has a look on their faces as if they're saying "Say what?!")
  Death: (laughs) Look at your faces! Of course it's a dude. Come on, let's go.
  Peter: Aw, Death, we really appreciate you taking us to see God.
  Death: No problem. I was supposed to kill Russell Brand, but I'll just do this instead.
  Peter: Oh, w-well, wait, wait now. I mean, you could just pick us up after... (they vanish)
• One of the stops on the gang's journey to find God is India.
  Peter: What better place to search for God than the most spiritual country on Earth!
  (The screen pans out, revealing the chaotic, filthy mess of an Indian city)
  Peter: God is not here.
• Mario Williams' line:
  I would like to thank God and a jury of my peers, without whom I would not be playing today.
• Chris going through the NFL Experience.
  I've got headaches. Oh well, at least I can donate my brain to science. (shoots self in chest)
• The end where Meg fades into thin air after Peter requested God to erase her.

224. - Fresh Heir

• When Peter fades out of existence after accidentally tearing up his birth certificate.
  Peter: Oh god, there's no light! There's only fire!
• When Peter bonds with a stranger and lets him in a car and plays "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", then Peter throws him out of the car.
• When Carter and Chris make the pizza dude eat a plate of mashed potatoes to get his tip.
• Peter learns that Meg and Chris take baths together...he's disturbed.
  Peter: I do not have the parenting skills to deal with this situation...
• The moral at the end.
  Peter: Yeah, and I guess I learned it's wrong to take your son to Vermont under false pretenses to try to marry him for his inheritance.
  Stewie: You should have known that.
• The reason Lois was able to track down Peter so fast? Several people had called the police about a man marrying his son.
• The Woody Allen reference that closes off the episode.
  Peter: By the way, this is a reference to a Woody Allen movie. He also married one of his kids.

225. - Secondhand Spoke

• Peter's reaction to the smokers support group.
  Peter: Lois, why does everyone here look like Emperor Palpatine?
• When Peter tried to prove that he does smoke he put a cigarette in his ear, then his eye, then his balls.
• Chris' bad insult to the bullies.
  Chris: You have a sister as well!
• One of the bullies tries to defend having a microphallus by saying that he can reset his cable box with it.
• "Peter, your fart didn't go off until 8:30!"
• Peter being unable to go more than about 30 seconds without smoking once he's hooked.
• Peter, looking bad after too much smoking, suggests that he would cut to the next scene in order to return him to normal. This doesn't work, unfortunately.
  Peter: Fuck!

226. - Herpe, The Love Sore

• When Peter gets a package addressed to Quagmire, Lois tells him not to open it. Peter insists that there's an alternate universe where he decides not to open the box; in that universe, the alternate Lois suddenly pulls out a handgun and shoots him in the head.
• The coked-up giraffe.
• Stewie and Chris humiliating Brian by hacking into his Facebook page to exploit the fact that he has herpes.
• The show Bryan Cranston Sneezes. Which is essentially just Bryan Cranston sneezing, then being handed an Emmy. Bonus points: This was a live-action clip, with the real Bryan Cranston.
• The first person Stewie calls about herpes? Handy Manny.
  Stewie: Manny? Manny, I'm gonna have you take off speakerphone for this...
• Peter playing around with the whip he stole from Quagmire's mail.
  Stewie: Hey Dad, that's a Cool Hwip! (Peter lashes him across the face with the whip) AHHH! I thought you couldn't understand me!!
  • The first thing Peter does with the whip is try to whip a cigarette out of Meg's mouth. Peter accidentally hits her in the face, leaving the cigarette still in mid-air where Meg was.
  Peter: Well, that's pretty cool too.
  • One would wonder what Quagmire was gonna use the whip for anyway.
• Peter declaring how important his booth is to him and how every single important event in his life happened in that booth.
  Peter: This booth is my home. I was born in this booth. I was married in this booth. My children were all conceived in this booth. Hell, I witnessed every significant historical event in my lifetime right here! I was in this booth when the Challenger exploded.
  Flashback Peter: Oh my God, no!
  Peter: I was in this booth on 9/11.
  Flashback Peter: Oh my God, no!
  Peter: I was in this booth when President Obama was elected.
  Flashback Peter: Oh my God, no!

227. - The Most Interesting Man in the World

• Dial Cross-Species Shampoo, for people who like showering with their dog.
• Stewie as a grandfather confused about Skype.
  Old Stewie: Please don't holler, I don't understand anything! I'm very frightened!
• "Great, we woke up the doorbell."
• Peter going cavejumping.
  Peter: "I told no one what I was doing today!"
• Smart Peter utterly schooling Brian and exposing him as the pretentious faux-intellectual he is.
• Peter replacing the TV with a bookshelf, and offers various books to replace popular tv shows, such as Frankenstein to The Walking Dead. When he brings up Game of Thrones he offers... Game of Thrones.
• A pilot without a calming voice:
  Pilot: WE'VE NOW REACHED OUR CRUISING ALTITUDE! IF YOU LOOK OUT THE WINDOW, YOU'LL SEE THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS! (everyone goes into full-on panic mode)
• When the family gets sick of Smart Peter, they decide to reset him to his original personality by sending him to the dumbest city in the U.S.: Tucson, Arizona. To drive it home, it's filled with snaggletoothed idiots who gleefully punch each other in the nuts.
  • The last line of the episode is Peter saying that it still had Battleship in theaters nearly two years later, which gets funnier the older the episode gets.

228. - Baby Got Black

• When Peter, Quagmire, and Joe try to see who can go the longest without sleeping and they see hallucinations.
  • Peter says he's going to win because he used to pull all-nighters when he worked for a lesbian carpet cleaning company. It then cuts away to Peter cleaning a carpet.
    Peter: Lesbians have regular carpets too, ya pervs.
    Lesbian: (Off-screen) When you're done with that, can you help me plug the hole in this dyke?
    (Cut to Peter rubbing cement over a hole in a dam)
    Peter: I'm kind of a jack of all trades.
    Lesbian: (Off-screen) Hey, help me fix this gash.
    (Cut to Peter sewing a hole on a couch closed)
    Peter: Somebody's been having scissor fights on this thing.
• When one of the lobsters at the restaurant makes a sexual innuendo about Jerome's daughter, Chris tells the waiter to give him that one for dinner.
• Peter's "Thank the Whites" song, mostly the part with black people contributing to pop singers like Eminem and Justin Bieber.
• Peter telling Chris about sex.
  Peter: It's... AWESOME!
  • Peter dancing to Footloose.

229. - Meg Stinks!

• "Anal Roberts" university.
  • "It's hard to get into, but once you're in it's worth it."
• Drunkee, the incredibly offensive Indian stereotype sports mascot.
  Drunkee: THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR SPORTS!!
• The cutaway of Stewie being unable to sleep on Mardi Gras. When one drunk partygoer tells him to show his boobs, he unbuttons his pajama shirt and gets thrown two bead necklaces, then he decides to show his penis and gets jailed for indecent exposure.
  Stewie: The rules of this city are very unclear.
• When Brian is blinded by the skunk, he runs around the house and grabs Chris's leg, so Chris beats him with Stewie. Then the smell scares the roaches out of the wall and they form together into a giant hand to open the door and leave, but since they were 70% of the structure of the house, the roof collapses on everyone.
  • When Lois asks if it's covered by their insurance, Peter replies that they don't cover acts of dog, then crawls over to a drum kit to do a rimshot.
• Brian's nephew Scrappy Brian, who gets randomly eaten by a velociraptor.
• When Peter gets his hand cut off by a bridge while driving, he grows a new one and his discarded hand grows into his Evil Twin Retep, who like Evil Stewie has the colors of his shirt and pants inverted. He later appears and puts a rock on the lawn knowing Brian will run over it, then when Peter and Meg are flying away in the Megcopter, Peter sees him murdering a woman.
• Peter as a pediatrist.
  Meg: I thought you liked working at the toy factory.
  Peter: Hell no, I always wanted to be a pediatrist!
  (Cut away to Peter rubbing an old woman's feet)
  Old Woman: Thanks to you, Dr. Griffin, my bunion is healed and I can walk without pain.
  Peter: (Looking at the audience) This isn't a joke. I once had legitimate aspirations.
• Peter's claim that all Bob Seger songs are actually about taking dumps. It's made clear by the titles Night Moves (Crapping in the middle of the night), Fire Inside (Presumably a Potty Emergency), Like a Rock (Constipation), and Against the Wind (Crapping out of a car window).
• A spider luring a group of flies into its web with a sign reading "Free Aerosmith Tickets".
• Arnold Schwarzenegger without an accent.
• Meg gets her body covered in piercings, which attract all of the magnets in a gift shop, except for one which clings to Peter's Prince Albert piercing.
  Peter: I got a piercing, too.
  • Peter taking Meg to a bank robbery.
• When Brian gives a speech to Stewie explaining why he's staying outdoors, he immediately teleports back in the house in-between thunderstrikes when it starts to storm. It's then revealed that Mayor West was watching them on a crystal ball.
  West: (chuckles) That dog sure changed his mind quick.

230. - He's Bla-ack!

• Peter, Joe, and Quagmire ragging on Cleveland about how crappy his show was. Joe thinks the logo looked like a big purple penis.
• Peter and Cleveland switching skin colors to avoid being seen by Donna.
• The "Roof Baby" segment, as seen here.
• Peter putting on the silent headphones and then hears a voice in his head screaming that he does not want to kill the people on the plane with Peter panicking.
• Peter marrying a band member that was staring at him.
• When Peter and Joe pretend to arrest Cleveland.
• When Lois tells Peter to stay away from "that Brown family", Stewie notes that what she said had more racist implications than intended.
• "Quagmire, please don't put condoms inside my baby."
• The flashback montage showing all the good times Peter and Cleveland had, some examples when he meets him in the 80s, sang karaoke and Peter pulling Cleveland's pants down.
• Cleveland walking in the middle of the theme song to switch places with Mort:
  (Mort trips)
  Peter: Are you alright?
  Mort: Why do you care?!

231. - Chap Stewie

• Lois trying to calm Stewie during his tantrum.
  Lois: There-there, sweetie. (Stewie bites her finger) AAAHH! SCREW YOU, YOU LITTLE TURD!!!
  • Even funnier, Meg trying to give Stewie a hug.
    Meg: Aww, you wanna hug from your big sister? (Stewie headbutts her nose, breaking it) OW!
• Chris and Stewie opening a lemonade stand only for the lemonade to somehow gain sentience, stuff Chris into the pitcher and run away while claiming that lemons are God's children.
• Peter wishing that Meg would be crushed by a meteor, then a Snickers bar coming out from inside the meteor.
• TOAST HOUSE!
• The various interchangeable Downton Abbey parodies that Stewie likes.
• When Stewie shaves Peter's hair in his sleep, Lois says he looks like a movie star. The next day, he's approached for an autograph on the street.
  Peter: They think I'm Bruce Willis.
  Passersby: That was the monster from The Goonies!
• British Stewie's father.
  British Dad: This is our one superfluous employee who I am not in a gay relationship with..
  Servant: Sir, we have a meeting in the broom shed.
  (British Dad hands Stewie over to his mother) This is our last physical contact until I give you a firm handshake on your 18th birthday, son.
• The only toy in Stewie's crib being an 18th-century flintlock dueling pistol.
• Stewie stealing plutonium from the research center at Cambridge by carrying around a cup of tea and politely greeting the guards, making him utterly unremarkable to them.
• UNGA BUNGA!
  • STOP EXPLAINING IT TO THE DOG! LET'S DO THIS!
• British Stewie being crushed by a stage light and regular Stewie doing nothing to help him, making this the second time Stewie has been indifferent toward himself from an alternate timeline.
• When Stewie puts Peter's Porn Stash out on the curb, Chris finds it, screams in joy and his head explodes. At the end of the episode, he's back to normal with his pants around his ankles and says that it took him three years to go through the whole thing.

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