Funny / Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 2

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"When She Was Bad" (2x01)

• Snyder's lecture to Giles on the danger of adolescents.
  Snyder: Someone's gotta keep an eye on 'em. They're just a bunch of hormonal time bombs. Why, every time a pretty girl walks by, every boy turns into a gibbering fool.
  Giles: [having wandered off and made eye contact with Jenny] Well, I-I uh, um—[lips move]—hello.
• Another line from Snyder:
  Snyder: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.
  Giles: No, actually, that would be one of the five.
• Cordy makes a suggestion.
  Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it. This is never good.
• This exchange:
  Willow: What's making Buffy act like such a B-I-T-C-H?
  Giles: Willow, I think we're a little old to be spelling words out.
  Xander: A... "bitca"?
  Giles: Yes. Well...
• The vampires send a message that Cordelia has been captured and unless Buffy comes alone, they'll make her a meal. Xander worriedly asks if they're going to cook her dinner, then realizes what they meant and says "I'm going to pretend I didn't just say that." It's Buffy and Willow's "did you really just say that?" looks that really sell it.
• Last line:
  The Anointed One: [looking at the dust remains of all his underlings] I hate that girl.

"Some Assembly Required" (2x02)

• When Angel walks off during their argument, Buffy declared that it'll take more than that to get rid of her - and she promptly falls into an open grave.
• Buffy and Xander walk on Giles rehearsing what to say to Jenny.
  Buffy: Boy, I guess we never realized how much you like that chair.
  • Buffy and Xander give Giles dating advice:
    Giles: I—I—I was just working on... [knocks over a few books]
    Buffy: Your pickup lines?
    Giles: (bends down) Um, in a manner of speaking, yes. [picks up the books]
    Buffy: Then if you wouldn't mind a little Gene and Roger, you might wanna leave off the 'idiot' part. Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.
    Xander: Hmm, it actually kinda turns me on. [looks at Buffy]
    Buffy: [to Xander] I fear you. [goes to the table] You also might wanna avoid words like 'amenable' and 'indecorous', y'know. Speak English, not whatever they speak in, um...
    Giles: England?
    Buffy: Yeah. You just say, 'Hey, I got a thing, you maybe have a thing, maybe we could have a thing.'
    Giles: [sarcastically] Well, thank you, Cyrano.
    Buffy: I'm not finished. Then you say, 'How do you feel about Mexican?'
    Giles: About Mexicans?
    Buffy: Mexican. Food. You take her for food, for which you then pay. [sits at the table]
    Giles: Oh. Right.
    Xander: So this chair-woman. We are talking Ms. Calendar, right?
    Giles: W-what makes you think that?
    Xander: [sits] Simple deduction. Ms. Calendar is reasonably dollsome, especially for someone in your age bracket. She already knows that you're a school librarian, so you don't have to worry about how to break that embarrassing news to her.
    Buffy: And she's the only woman we've actually ever seen speak to you. Add it all up and it all spells 'duh'.
    Xander: Now, is it time to have a talk about the facts of life?
    Giles: You know, I'm suddenly deciding this is none of your business. [starts up the stairs]
    Xander: Y'know, because that whole stork thing is a smokescreen.
    [Giles stops and looks back at him. Buffy laughs to herself.]
• Buffy tells Giles that while on patrol, she and Angel found an empty grave:
  Giles: Grave robbing? That's new. Interesting.
  Buffy: I know you meant to say "gross and disturbing."
  Giles: Yes, of course. Terrible thing. Must put a stop to it... dammit.
• Cordelia is whining about no one giving her sympathy, so without missing a beat, Giles pats her on the shoulder. Even better, Cordelia reacts by shrugging, almost saying "Okay, that was deserved."
  Giles: There, there.
• This gem from Cordelia:
  Cordelia: Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word 'corpse' in it?
  • The gang prepare to go and exhume a grave, with Willow excitingly declaring it a field trip.
    Xander: So, we're set then. Say, nineish? BYO shovel?
    Willow: And I'll pack some food. Who else likes those little powdered doughnuts?
    Xander: Me.
    Willow: Cordelia?
    Cordelia: Darn, I have cheerleader practice tonight. Boy, I wish I knew we were gonna be digging up dead people sooner. I would've canceled.
    Xander: All right, but if you come across the army of zombies, can you page us before they eat your flesh?
    [Cordelia huffs and leaves the library.]
    Giles: Xander?
    Xander: Huh?
    Giles: Zombies don't eat the flesh of the living.
    Xander: Yeah, I knew that. But did you see the look on her face?
• Willow tells Buffy that Daryl was a football star that all the girls were crazy for.
  Buffy: And he broke Cordy's heart? Thus possibly proving its existence.
• After encountering parts of the missing girls:
  Cordelia: It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were so many parts. They were everywhere. Why are these terrible things always happening to me?
  Xander: [fake cough] Karma!
• Giles' reaction to Jenny asking him out on a date.
  Giles: What should I wear?
  Jenny: [looks him up and down] Do you own anything else?

"School Hard" (2x03)

• Buffy chides Angel for not picking up on her hints, after he's (potentially) dated for 200 years. Leading Willow to put her foot way deep into her throat:
  Willow: Wow. Two centuries of dating. If you had two a year that's still 400 different dates with 400 different... [Buffy glares] Why do they call it a mace?
• Xander goes through Buffy's handbag looking for a stake and finds a tampon. He hurriedly throws it in the air when he realizes what it is.
• After Angel splits suddenly and soundlessly from the library again:
  Xander: Okay, that's it. I'm putting a collar with a little bell on that guy.
• Spike finishes off his badass tirade by asking if the current Slayer is tough. Cut to Buffy in her pyjamas, glaring at herself in the mirror and muttering "Ow!" under her breath as she brushes a stubborn tangle out of her hair.
• Spike trying to get Drusilla to eat something when it's implied she either forgets or chooses not to sounds heartwarming... until Spike brings out a Bound and Gagged woman for her to drink the blood from. Remember, they're still vampires, so this is what "eating" means for them.
• Buffy makes lemonade. Willow's excited by the prospect and takes a swig... only to discover Buffy isn't aware that sugar is usually an ingredient.
  • After Cordelia insults Buffy, Willow offers her a glass. We sadly don't see her reaction, probably because it would have been too precious.
• Xander and Angel arrive at the school, and Xander asks if he has a plan. Angel grabs him by the throat, and he says, "Good plan."
• When Spike and Angel are reunited.
  Angel: I taught you to always guard your perimeter. Tsk tsk tsk. You should have someone out there.
  Spike: I did. I'm Surrounded by Idiots.
• Willow and Cordelia are hiding in the storage closet, and Cordy starts praying.
  Cordelia: And if you get me out of this, I swear I'll never be mean to anyone ever again. Unless they really deserve it or if it's that time of the month, in which case I don't think you or anyone else can hold me responsible—
  Willow: Ask for some aspirin.
  Cordelia: And can you please send some asp— Hey!

"Inca Mummy Girl" (2x04)

• Asked if he's ever done student exchange, Xander replies, "My dad tried to sell me to some Armenians once. Does that count?
• When Willow prevents Buffy from confronting a delinquent student, telling her the "non-violent" approach is probably better here:
  Buffy: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence... Do I?
  Xander: The important thing is you believe that.
• Buffy's grousing about the expectations that come with being the Chosen One.
  Giles: You have responsibilities that other girls do not.
  Buffy: Oh! I know this one! "Slaying entails certain sacrifices—blah, blah, bitty blah—I'm so stuffy, give me a scone."
  Giles: [deadpan] It's as if you know me.
• After Willow reports that Rodney is missing, they start joking about what might have happened to him.
  Xander: Hey, maybe he awakened the mummy.
  Willow: Right, and it rose from its tomb.
  Buffy: And attacked him.
  [Oh, Crap! expressions as they remember that they live in a universe where things like this are actually possible]
• Willow is bummed because of Xander's thing with "Ampata".
  Buffy: Ampata's only staying two weeks.
  Willow: Yeah, and then Xander can find someone else who's not me to obsess about. At least with you, I knew he didn't have a shot. Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get on with my life.
  Buffy: Good for you.
  Willow: Well, I didn't choose yet.
• Xander babbles incoherently on seeing "Ampata" dressed up for the dance.
  Buffy: I can translate American Salivating Boy talk. He says you're beautiful.
  Xander: [babbles at Buffy]
  Buffy: You're welcome.
• Willow's Eskimo costume is a bit of a hindrance.
  Xander: Have you seen Ampata?
  Willow: [jerky motion]
  Xander: What was that?
  Willow: I shrugged.
  Xander: Next time, you should probably say, "Shrug." [leaves]
  Willow: Sigh.
• Buffy's tells Willow that "Ampata" is the mummy, and Willow is actually happy for a second before realizing that this means Xander is in danger.

"Reptile Boy" (2x05)

• In the Cold Open, Buffy, Willow, and Xander are watching a Bollywood film.
  Xander: Is she dying?
  Buffy: I think she's singing.
  Xander: To a telephone, in Hindi. Now that's entertainment. Why is she singing?
  Willow: She's sad because her lover gave her twelve gold coins, but then the wizard cut open the bag of salt, and now the dancing minions have nowhere to put their big maypole...fish thing.
  Buffy: Uh-huh.
  Xander: Why is she singing?
  Buffy: Her lover? I thought it was her chiropractor.
  Willow: Because of that thing he did with her feet? No, that was personal.
  Xander: Hmm. And we thought just because we didn't have any money or anyplace to go, this'd be a lackluster evening.
  Willow: I know, we could go to the Bronze and sneak in our own tea bags and ask for hot water.
  Xander: Hop off the outlaw train, Will, before you land us all in jail.
  Buffy: I for one am giddy and up. There's a kind of hush all over Sunnydale, no demons or vampires to slay, I'm here with my friends....So how does the water buffalo fit in again?
  • Buffy and Xander are braiding Willow's hair...or rather Xander is. Buffy's comically hopeless at it.
• Giles chides Buffy for not training 24/7.
  Giles: You yawned your way through weapons training last week, you skipped hand-to-hand entirely—are you going to be prepared if a demon springs up behind you and does this? [attacks from behind, only for Buffy to casually catch his arm and twist it behind his back] Yeah, well, I'm not a demon...which is why you should let go now. Thank you.
  [...]
  Giles: Well, here's a hard fact of life: We all have to do things we don't like. And you have hand-to-hand this afternoon and patrol tonight, so I suggest you come straight here at the end of Period 6, and you get your homework done. And don't dawdle with your friends.
  Buffy: [perfect Moe expression]
  Giles: And don't think sitting there pouting is going to get to me, because it won't.
  Buffy: [perfect Moe expression]
  Giles: It's not getting to me.
• Willow Rosenberg, Covert Pervert.
  Willow: [to Buffy] You'd rather go to a party where there's going to be drinking and older guys and possibly an orgy. [to Xander] You want to protect her. And prove that you're just as good as those rich snotty guys. And possibly catch an orgy.
  Xander: If it's on early.
• After Angel is called for help to the library, Willow gets distracted by the lack of his reflection on the window. Then asks him how he shaves.
• As Xander walks off being humiliated, he grumbles, "One day I'll have money...prestige, power...and on that day, they'll still have more."
• When Buffy mentions that Angel smelled blood on the broken bracelet, Xander says, "There's a guy you want to party with." Then Angel, Willow, and Giles arrive at the frat house and are met by Xander, who reports that the frat brothers went down into the basement wearing robes.
  Giles: They may be involved in some kind of ritual.
  Willow: With the missing girls.
  Angel: [growling in Game Face] With Buffy.
  Xander: Okay, that is the guy you want to party with.
• Also this, after the gang comes to rescue Buffy (who pretty much rescued herself) from the frat house party turned attempted human sacrifice:
  Buffy: [shamefacedly] I told one lie. I had one drink.
  Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words "let that be a lesson to you" are a tad redundant at this juncture.
• This exchange:
  Xander: Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak?
  [Angel appears right behind him]
  Xander: [seamlessly] Hey, man, how you doing?
  Angel: Buffy.
  Buffy: Angel.
  Xander: [in a deep voice] Xander.
  • And the whole time this exchange is happening, Xander is busy reading a newspaper. Nicholas Brendon's delivery absolutely seals it.

"Halloween" (2x06)

• The entirety of Buffy's attempts to distract Giles while Willow sneaks in and steals the Watchers' Diaries. Particularly Sarah Michelle Gellar's delivery of "look at me when I talk to you". The thing that distracts Giles from his suspicions? "Miss Calendar said you were a babe", which also earns her a disapproving shake of the head from Willow.
• Drusilla is wonderfully random.
  Drusilla: Do you love my insides? The parts you can't see.
  Spike: Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet.
• Oz establishes himself as an Ensemble Dark Horse with this great response.
  Cordelia: Is Mister "I'm the lead singer, I'm so great I don't need to show up for my date or even call" going to be there?
  Oz: Yeah, you know, he's just going by "Devon" now.
• Xander briefs his "troops" before taking them trick-or-treating.
  Xander: Okay, on sleazing extra candy: Tears are key. Tears will normally get you the double-bagger. You can also try the old "You missed me" routine, but it's risky. Only go there for chocolate, understood?
  [kids nod]
• Willow trying to deal with amnesiac Buffy and Xander.
  Buffy: Buffy?
  Willow: She's not Buffy.
  Xander: Who's Buffy?
  Willow: Oh, this is fun.
• Since Xander dresses as a soldier, Buffy dresses as an 18th-century noblewoman, and Willow dresses as a ghost, things are predictably hectic when their costumes take them over.
• Princess-Buffy starts screaming at the sight of a "demon" that turns out to be just a car. When Willow tells her this, she asks in a terrified voice "What does it want?" Soldier-Xander's reaction is "Is this woman insane?".
  Soldier-Xander: [with Buffy clinging to him after seeing a car] She's never seen a car?
  Ghost-Willow: She's from the past.
  Soldier-Xander: And you're a ghost.
  Ghost-Willow: Yes, now let's get inside?
  Soldier-Xander: Just want you to know I'm taking a lot on faith here.
• Willow laments that Buffy didn't dress up as Xena.
• Once the costumes take over the children, Spike observes the chaos with a shit-eating grin on his face. You may as well have given him popcorn.
  Spike: Well! This is just...neat!
• Giles wonders what Willow's costume is supposed to be. She shyly replies that she's a ghost. He takes in the hot goth outfit that was underneath the ghost costume and says, "Yes, but, um...Well, the ghost of what, exactly?"
• The first indication that their original personalities are still there:
  Soldier-Xander: It's weird, but beating up that pirate ^note who bullied Xander gave me a weird sense of closure.
• Spike's about to bite Buffy when the spell is broken. He notices the kids are back to normal before seeing Buffy's wig has come off. She pops up and says brightly, "Hi, honey. I'm home," before beating him up.

"Lie to Me" (2x07)

• Cordelia's take on Marie Antoinette:
  Cordelia: I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort! And I know the peasants were all depressed...
  Xander: I think you mean oppressed.
  Cordelia: Whatever. [...] And — and Marie Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake.
• Angel says, "Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years just hanging out, feeling guilty...I really honed my brooding skills."
• Angel laments the shallow vampire fanboys:
  Angel: These people don't know anything about vampires. What they are, how they live, how they dress...
  [Cue a teen walking past in an outfit identical to his]
• Jenny takes Giles on a date to a monster truck show, or as Giles calls it, the "nitro-burning funny cars". Oh, if only we could have seen that.
  • Even Buffy is surprised that Jenny thought Giles would enjoy monster trucks.
• When we learn what Ford is up to...
  Spike: [after Ford walks into the factory] Do I have anyone on watch here?! It's called security, people! Are you all asleep? [Beat] Or did we finally find a restaurant that delivers?
  • While negotiating with Spike, Ford tries to get Spike to play along with his idea of what to say.
    Ford: I'm pretty sure this is the part where you take out a watch and say I've got thirty seconds to convince you not to kill me. It's traditional.
    Spike: Well, I don't go much for tradition. (prepares to kill Ford, but is stopped by Drusilla) Well?
    Ford: Oh, come on. Say it. It's no fun if you don't say it.
    Spike: What? (groans a little and rolls his eyes) You've got thirty seconds to convince me not to kill you.
    Ford: Yes! See, this is the best.
  • Drusilla convinces Spike to hear Ford out. Spike's reaction to Ford wanting to be a vampire?
    Spike: I've known you for two minutes and I don't like you. I really don't feature you living forever. Can I eat him now, love?
• Willow mentions that Angel was in her bedroom, and a minute later, it registers with Xander.
  Xander: Angel was in your bedroom?
  Willow: Ours is a forbidden love.
• Buffy trying to reason with the vampire wannabes, but is distracted by a guy dressed as Dracula.
  Buffy: I'm trying to save you! You're playing in some serious traffic here, do you understand that? You're gonna DIE. The only hope you have of surviving is to get out of this pit right now and my God could you HAVE a dorkier outfit?
  Ford: Gotta back her up, D. You look like a big ninny.
• And when the vampires get locked inside, Spike's delivery of "Where's the doorknob?".

"The Dark Age" (2x08)

• Giles' exasperation with Buffy playing loud music while exercising in the library:
  Giles: [covering his ears and shouting over the music] Must we have this noise during your calisthenics?!
  Buffy: It's not noise; it's music!
  Giles: I know music! Music has notes! This is noise!
  Buffy: I'm aerobicizing! I must have the beat!
  Giles: Wonderful. You work on your muscle tone while my brain dribbles out of my ears.
• This bit:
  Buffy: Have I ever let you down?
  Giles: Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?
• Buffy, Xander, and Willow watching Giles and Jenny walk off together, and commenting on how cute they look before Willow remarks, "Can't you just imagine them getting together?" A Beat passes, then the trio hurriedly walk off.
• Jenny trolling Giles by telling him she damaged a book he lent her:
  Jenny: You know how you dog-ear your favorite pages so you can go back to them?
  Giles: What?
  Jenny: I had to fold back every single page. So I just started underlining all the pages I wanted to discuss.
  Giles: Underlined?
  Jenny: But then I spilled coffee all over it. I can't even read it.
  Giles: It's a first edition.
  Jenny: I'm lying, Rupert. The book's fine. I just love to see you squirm.
  Giles: Oh. Well, I trust I gave good...squirm.
  Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a fuddy duddy?
  Giles: Nobody ever seems to tell me anything else.
  Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a sexy fuddy duddy?
  Giles: No, actually, that part usually gets left out. I can't imagine why.
• Buffy stakes out a hospital the night a monthly supply of blood is being delivered, and while she fights some vampires who try to steal the blood, she's helped out by Angel. When Buffy asks Angel how he knew about the shipment...
  Angel: It's delivery day. Everybody knows about this.
• This exchange between Ethan and Buffy after she catches him snooping in the library:
  Buffy: You ran that costume shop.
  Ethan: Oh, I'm pleased you remember.
  Buffy: That Halloween dress you sold me nearly got us killed.
  Ethan: But you looked great. [gets punched by Buffy]
• When Eyghon-Phillip crashes into the library and advances on them, Ethan shows just how big a coward he is by hiding behind Buffy.
• Xander starting to thank Eyghon-Phillip for interrupting his computer studies session, only for Eyghon-Phillip to crash against the cage door.

"What's My Line? Part 1" (2x09)

• The insanity of multiple-choice aptitude tests.
  Buffy: Do I like shrubs?
  Xander: That's between you and your god.
• The vampire bookworm Dalton tries to translate a text with Spike.
  Dalton: I'm not sure. It could be, uh, "deprimere ille bubula linter".
  Spike: "Debase...the beef...canoe." [Beat, then he whacks Dalton] Why does that strike me as not right?
• Buffy comes home to find the hilariously adorable sight of Angel holding Mr. Gordo.
• Willow falls asleep at the library computer, and Giles shakes her awake.
  Willow: [jolting upright] DON'T WARN THE TADPOLES!
• Xander pays Cordelia back for two years of abuse.
  Cordelia: What am I, mass transportation?
  Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker-room talk.

"What's My Line? Part 2" (2x10)

• Willow is a little too quick to leap to Buffy's defense.
  Kendra: Did I not see you kissing a vampire?
  Willow: Buffy would never do that! [Buffy gives her a "WTF" look] Oh...except for...sometimes you do that. But only with Angel...Right?
• Willy delivers Angel to Spike. And then asks a stupid question.
  Willy: What're you gonna do with him, anyway?
  Spike: I'm thinking... maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know.
• Cordelia says Xander would let a girl go get herself killed. Xander snarks, "Not just any girl. You're special."
• Buffy's aptitude test results placed her in law enforcement or "environmental design", AKA landscaping.
  Buffy: I checked the shrub box.
• Kendra picks up a loaded crossbow.
  Buffy: Be careful with that thing.
  Kendra: Please. I'm an expert in all weapons. [the crossbow fires a bolt into a lamp]
  Giles: Is everything all right?
  Buffy: Yeah, it's okay. Kendra killed the bad lamp.
• At the end, when Buffy and Kendra say their goodbyes.
  Kendra: Thank you for the shirt. It was very generous of you.
  Buffy: Hey, it looks better on...well, me, but no worries.
  • They have a moment, and Buffy goes in for a hug.
    Kendra: I don't hug.
    Buffy: Right. No. Good. Hate hugs.

"Ted" (2x11)

• Ted offers to give some computer software to Willow, and she responds with the most high-pitched giggle you can possibly imagine. The closed captioning reads "[Excited babbling]".
  Xander: That's the sound she makes when she's speechless with geeker joy.
• Buffy tells Ted and Joyce she's "okay" with their relationship. Cut to Buffy absolutely beating the ever-loving piss out of a poor vampire.
  Buffy: [after staking] I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come and they run around and they kill people and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas and everyone's like, "Oh, look! A mini-pizza!" but I'm telling you, I have—
  Giles: Buffy, I—I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh, text.
• Angel is having his hand wrapped up in gauze, but his pained expression is from Buffy complaining about Ted. When she says she's sick of everyone talking about him, before playing sweetheart Angel gets this dig in.
  Angel: So you going to talk about something else at some point?
• Cordelia and Xander are still keeping their assignations a secret, and after some biting dialogue...
  Xander: You want to go to the utility closet and make out?
  Cordelia: [irritated] God! Is that all you ever think about?! [thinks about it for a second] Okay.
• While patrolling, Giles realizes someone is behind him. He squeaks and turns to hold up a cross.
  Jenny: I get that reaction from men all the time.
• After Ted is done...
  Willow: The sad thing is, the real Ted must have been a genius. There were design features in that robot that predate—
  Buffy: Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts!
  Willow: ...well, not any big ones?
  Buffy: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
  Willow: I—I just wanna learn stuff!
  Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?
  Xander: Well, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.
• Buffy's talking as she starts to go in the library, and cuts herself off to say, "Okay. That's it. I give up. Do I have to sound an air horn every time I walk into a room? I mean, what is it with grownups these days?" Turns out she walked in on Giles and Jenny kissing.

"Bad Eggs" (2x12)

• Joyce nixes an outfit Buffy wants to buy.
  Buffy: But I looked good in it!
  Joyce: You looked like a streetwalker.
  Buffy: But a thin streetwalker. [sees her mom's face] That's probably not gonna be the winning argument, is it?
• Buffy has an opinion about where her mom shops for clothes.
  Buffy: Why didn't you just go to Muumuus "R" Us?
  Joyce: [dryly] Do now, make fun of your mother later.
• A girl plays pinball, completely oblivious to her date's vamp face behind her
  Lyle: Well, ain't you just got the prettiest little neck I ever did see?
  Buffy: Boy...you guys really never come up with any new lines, do you?
  Girl: Do you mind? We were talking here.
  Buffy: But you promised you'd never cheat on me again, honey.
• Mr. Whitmore, noticing Buffy's absence, gave Willow an egg to pass along to her.
  Buffy: As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.
  Willow: No, it's your baby!
  Buffy: ...Okay, I get it even less.
  • After the assignment is explained....
    Buffy: [terrified] I can't do this. I can't take care of things. I killed my Gigapet. I mean, literally. I sat on it and it broke.
  • Buffy's face when she learns she doesn't have a partner.
    Buffy: I'm a single mother?
    Xander: No man of her own.
    Buffy: Do you know what this says about me? That I am doomed to lead my mother's life. How deeply scary is that?
• Willow suggests enlisting Angel's help in finding the Gorches.
  Xander: Oh, right, I see a lot of hunting getting done in that scenario.
  Buffy: Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up.
  [Gilligan Cut to Buffy and Angel making out]
  • The next day, Buffy plans to go looking for the Gorches again.
    Willow: And Angel's helping you, right?
    Buffy: ...He does what he can.
    [Gilligan Cut to Buffy and Angel making out]
• "You boiled your young?"
• Xander decides that there’s nothing left to eat, so he may as well eat his egg.
  Xander: Sorry, Junior.

"Surprise" (2x13)

• Oz asks Willow out.
  Oz: [levelly] I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night...and I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting
  Willow: Oh. Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say yes.
  Oz: Yeah, it helps. It, it creates a comfort zone....Do you want to go out with me tomorrow night?
  Willow: Oh, I can't!
  Oz: [Beat] Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.
• Buffy's surprise party, after being crashed by vampires:
  Cordelia: [a bit late] SURPRISE!!!
  Oz: That pretty much sums it up. Hey, did anyone else see that guy turn to dust?
  Xander: Yes... Vampires are real... A lot of them live in Sunnydale... Willow will fill you in...
  Willow: I know this is hard to accept...
  Oz: Actually, it explains a LOT.
• Dalton is trying to justify his failure to Drusilla, who merely puts her finger to his lips, plucks his glasses off his face, and stomps on them. After she's convinced not to gouge out his eyes in favor of giving him a second chance, she puts the ruined glasses back on him, says, "Okay. Hurry back, then," and pats him on the head.
• Giles has been reading about the Judge.
  Giles: His touch can literally burn the humanity out of you. A true creature of evil can survive the process; no human ever has.
  Xander: What's the problem? We send Cordy to fight this guy, and we go for pizza.
• The Judge killing Dalton by touching him is scary. Drusilla's excited "Do it again" like a child being shown a magic trick is darkly hilarious.

"Innocence" (2x14)

• Drusilla's always good for a laugh:
  Drusilla: I'm naming all the stars...
  Spike: You can't see the stars. That's the ceiling, Dru. Also, it's day.
  Drusilla: I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion.
• After the newly soulless Angel says he doesn't want to kill Buffy:
  Spike: [to Angelus] ...Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we do still kill people. It's sort of our raison d'être, you know.
• Xander's accurate summation of teenage hormones.
  Cordelia: Does looking at guns really make guys want to have sex?
  Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me want to have sex.
• While Willow and Oz wait in the van for Xander and Cordelia to steal the rocket launcher:
  Oz: So do you guys steal weapons from the army a lot?
  Willow: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.
• Angelus saying to the Judge, "Don't you look spiffy?"
  Judge: Spiffy?
• This CMOF, also a CMOA and the excuse for one of Joss Whedon's favorite props:
  The Judge: [gloating] No weapon forged can defeat me!
  Buffy: That was then... [shoulders an anti-tank rocket launcher] This is now.
  [Angel and Drusilla begin to dive out of the way]
  The Judge: [curious] What's that do? [gets blown to little bitty pieces]
  • Funnier and... and awesomer, for once it's Angelus and Drusilla who go "Oh, Crap!," Double Take, "This Is Gonna Suck, Screw This, I'm Outta Here".
  • Dru's freaking out after the explosion.
• While Buffy deals with Angelus, the rest of the Scoobies gather up the remains of the Judge.
  Oz: Uh...arm.

"Phases" (2x15)

• After several werewolf attacks, the students are being taught self-defense. After the instructor explains these are simple techniques, Buffy offers an idea to Willow.
  Buffy: Here's a suggestion: Move away from the Hellmouth.
• Larry is tormenting Theresa during self-defense class before trying to get her to be his partner. This fires up Buffy, who steps in, and we get this exchange:
  Theresa: No, actually, I think in our group, there are a few of us.
  Buffy: And I'm one of the few.
• Buffy's all smiles, her thought process along the lines of "Yeah, okay, Larry's going home short a couple of limbs" until Willow pulls her aside.
  Willow: Don't forget, you're supposed to be a meek little girlie-girl like the rest of us.
  Buffy: [complaining] Spoil my fun.
  • After pouting, Buffy does anyway when she pretends to struggle with the moves she was shown to do and Larry grabs her ass.
    Oz: [after seeing Larry thrown down hard] That works, too.
• Giles and Buffy are looking around the makeout spot for the werewolf.
  Giles: Anything yet?
  Buffy: [excited] Yes, and you won't believe what I saw. Brittany Podell was making out with Owen Stadeel, but he goes with Barrett Williams. If she ever found— [catches his expression] No. Um, no—no sign of the werewolf. How about you?
  Giles: Uh, the same. I thought we might, uh, I though we might knock on a few windows, uh, ask if anyone has seen anything yet.
  Buffy: ["Are you serious?" look] Giles, no one's seen anything.
• Xander talking to Larry about being a werewolf, telling him he'd gone through the same thing when he was part of "The Pack."
  Xander: Hurting me isn't going to make this go away; people are still going to find out.
  Larry: [looking scared] Alright. What do you want? Hush money? Is that what you're after?
  Xander: I don't WANT anything; I just wanna help!
  Larry: What, you think you have a cure?
  Xander: [talking about his time in The Pack] No, it's just... I know what you're going through because I've BEEN there. That's why I know you should talk about it.
  Larry: That's easy for you to say. You're nobody. I got a reputation.
  Xander: Larry, please, before someone else gets hurt!
  Larry: Look, if this gets out, it's over for me. Forget about playing football, they'll run me out of this town! I mean, come on, how are people gonna look at me after they find out I'm gay?
  Xander: [Beat]
  Larry: I said it... and it felt... okay! I'm gay! I am gay!
  Xander: I heard you the first time.
  Larry: I don't believe it. It was almost easy. I never felt I could tell anyone, and then you... you of all people... you bring it out of me... Knowing you went through the same thing... made it easier for me to admit it!
  Xander: The same thing... Larry, no, I'm not—
  Larry: [pats Xander on the shoulder] Don't worry. I wouldn't do that to you. Your secret's safe with me. [gives Xander a thumbs-up and walks out, leaving Xander there, shocked]
  • Later:
    Buffy: So how'd it go with Larry?
    Xander: [panicked] What's that supposed to mean?
    Buffy: I think it's supposed to mean, so how'd it go with Larry?
    Xander: He's not the werewolf. Can't we just leave it at that? Must you continue to push and push?
  • And yet later, after Larry thanks him without saying why.
    Buffy: That was weird.
    Xander: [panicked] What, it's not okay for one guy to like another guy just because he happened to be in the locker room with him when absolutely nothing happened and I thought I told you not to push!
    Buffy: All I meant is that he didn't try to look up my skirt.
    Xander: Oh, oh, yeah, that's—that's the weirdness.
• Buffy checks in on Willow's progress screening student files for behavior that might suggest lycanthropy.
  Willow: There is one name that keeps getting spit out. Aggressive behavior, run-ins with authorities. About a screenful of violent incidents.
  Buffy: Okay, most of those were not my fault. Somebody else started them. I was just standing up for myself.
  Willow: They say it's a good idea to count to ten when you're angry.
  Buffy: One...two...three...

"Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered" (2x16)

• Xander shows Buffy the heart necklace he bought for Cordelia.
  Xander: So what do you think?
  Buffy: It's nice.
  Xander: But do you think Cordelia will like it?
  Buffy: I don't know. Will she know what one of these is?
  Xander: Ha ha. Okay, big yuks. When are you guys going to stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia?
  Buffy: [contrite] I'm sorry. But never.
• Angel presenting Drusilla with a literal, still-warm heart for Valentine's Day? Horrible. The line "I found it in a quaint little shopgirl"? Horrible and funny.
• Xander confronts Amy about her using magic.
  Xander: "Blackmail" Is Such an Ugly Word.
  Amy: I didn't say blackmail.
  Xander: Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you, so I thought I'd bring it up.
• Buffy demands to know just how bad Angelus is, and Giles reads out a list of his past atrocities. The fragment we hear is blackly hilarious:
  Giles: Look, here's another. Here. Erm, Valentine's Day, yes, erm... "Angel nails a puppy to the—"
  Buffy: Skip it. I don't have a puppy. I don't want to know. Skip it.
• After Xander sees that somehow Buffy and Amy got targeted by the love spell, he tries to hide at home in his room. Unfortunately, Willow is awaiting him, wearing one of his shirts and nothing else. She does everything in her power to seduce Xander, going to lengths not seen even when she later tries to make up with Oz. Xander decides he has to be a man, and hide (or rather run).
  • This:
    Willow: I want you, Xander...to be my first.
    Xander: ...baseman. Please tell me we're talking baseball.
    [...]
    Willow: Is it Oz? Don't worry about him. He's sweet, but...he's not you.
    Xander: Yes, he is. And you should go to him. 'Cause he's me.
• The parody of a hot stud slow-mo walking through the hallway, with Xander looking freaked out.
• At the library, Xander 'fesses up to Giles about the love spell gone bad. A moment later, Jenny strides in, determined to talk things out with Giles, but gets totally distracted by Xander, who gives a helpless "See what I mean?" shrug.
  Giles: I cannot believe that you were fool enough to do something like this.
  Xander: Oh, no, I'm twice the fool it takes to do something like this.
• Xander tries to barricade himself in the library. He puts a huge piece of furniture in front of the door. Buffy effortlessly enters; unfortunately, that door opens the other way.
  • It should be noted that the same door definitely didn't do that in other episodes, such as prominently the Season 1 finale, when vampires tried to enter the place.
    • As seen earlier in the episode, the door can swing both ways.
  • He tries this again with the door to Buffy's basement, with equally successful results.
• Amy starts casting another spell on Jenny (having turned Buffy into a rat moments earlier), her eyes turn black then red and energy starts flowing around her... only for Xander to clap his hand over her mouth.
  Amy: Goddess Hecate, to you I pray—
  Xander: Would you quit it with the Hecate?!
• Oz doesn't know what's going on. He only knows that Willow called him, very upset about something to do with Xander. So he finds Xander at the library, lays him out flat, then offers him a hand to get back up.
• Xander and Cordelia takes cover in Buffy's house, and before he can catch his breath he realizes even Joyce is seducing him. By now, he's beyond being surprised and is just done with this.
  Xander: [Head Desk] Whatever!
  • Cordelia intervenes:
    Cordelia: And keep your mom-aged mitts off my boyfriend. Former!
• Even Drusilla declares her love to a terrified Xander, much to Angelus's confusion.
  Angelus: I guess I really did drive you crazy!
• Speaking of Drusilla, even she can't stop Xander's wisecracking.
  Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it.
  Xander: [scared shitless] Really? It doesn't say "Spare me" by any chance?
  Drusilla: Shh. How do you feel about eternal life?
  Xander: We couldn't just start with a coffee? A movie, maybe?
• Drusilla tries to enter Buffy's house in pursuit of Xander, but is blocked by the mystical barrier, causing Angelus to snark at her.
• Amy's spells are reversed, and Buffy is turned back into a human, stark naked, which is how Oz finds her. It's perfectly awkward.
  Buffy: ...Hi, Oz.
  Oz: Hi.
  Buffy: ...I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.
  Oz: But you're not a rat...so call it an upside.
  Buffy: You think maybe you could get me some clothing?
  Oz: Yes, I can, just, uh...don't go anywhere. [leaves]
  Buffy: ...Really not an issue.
• To top it all off, Buffy sums up her part in the episode with this gem:
  Buffy: I remember coming on to you... I remember begging you to undress me... and then a sudden need for cheese.
• Buffy notes that Joyce seems to have willfully forgotten the whole "hitting on Xander" incident, and considers whether she should be concerned with how good her mother now is about compartmentalizing the weirdness of Sunnydale.

"Passion" (2x17)

• Cordelia realizes that vampires can only enter a place if they're invited:
  Cordelia: Oh, God! I invited him in my car once. That means he can come into my car whenever he wants.
  Xander: Yep, you're doomed to havin' to give him and his vamp pals a lift whenever they feel like it. And those guys never chip in for gas.
• During the discussion of how to deal with Angelus, the Scoobies are interrupted by Jonathan and another student entering the library to borrow a book. We then get a brilliant lampshade on the gang using a public place as their meeting place and how nobody else ever comes in the library:
  Xander: Does this look like a Barnes & Noble?
  Giles: This is a school library, Xander.
  Xander: Since when?
• Drusilla being blackly hilarious, presenting Spike with a dog and saying, "Poor thing. She's an orphan. Her owner died...without a fight."
• Another Angelus example: Upon returning to the factory, he says this to the wheelchair-bound Spike:
  Angelus: Maybe I'll bring you along next time, Spike. You might be handy to have around if I ever need a really good parking space.
• In the middle of an incredibly dark episode, we get this gem from Angelus when he's talking to Jenny in her classroom. It's the spot-on delivery from David Boreanaz that really sells it.
  Angelus: I heard! You went shopping at the local boogity-boogity store!
• Willow is characteristically unable to say the word "sex".
  Willow: Well, it went fine until Angel showed up and told Buffy's mom that he and Buffy had...well, you know, that they had...you know...you do know, right?
  Giles: Oh, yes, sorry.
  Willow: Oh, good, 'cause I just realized that being a librarian and all, you maybe didn't know.
  Giles: Oh, thank you. I got it.
• After Spike gripes that killing Jenny was a bad move, Angelus says that he's got everything under control. Cue a Molotov cocktail landing in the factory, courtesy of a vengeful Giles.
  • Drusilla moves to help Angelus as Giles whales on him, only for Spike to stop her, thoroughly enjoying the sight.

"Killed by Death" (2x18)

• Buffy scares the shit out of the other Scoobies on patrol.
  Xander: Man, Buffy, my whole life just flashed before my eyes. [Beat] I gotta get me a life.
• Cordelia: "We're all concerned about how gross you look."
• Angel and Buffy fight, and it's not going well.
  Angel: You know, you being off your game's kind of taking the fun out of all this. [punches her] Nope, still fun.
• When no one is singing:
  Buffy: Shh, hospital zone, no singing.
• The Scoobies visit Buffy the morning after she's admitted.
  Xander: Flowers for milady.
  Buffy: I think they call those balloons.
  Xander: Yeah, stick 'em in water, maybe they'll grow.
  Willow: Not to be outdone. [puts school stuff on Buffy's lap]
  Buffy: Homework.
  Willow: It's my way of saying, "Get well soon."
  Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better.
  Willow: I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name.
  Buffy: Chocolate means nothing to me.
  [they look at Cordelia]
  Cordelia: Nobody told me I was supposed to bring a gift. I was out of the loop on gifts.
  Giles: It's traditional among, uh...people.
• As they're discussing the existence of Buffy's demon:
  Cordelia: So this isn't about you being afraid of hospitals 'cause your friend died, and you want to conjure up a monster that you can fight so you can save everybody and not feel so helpless?
  Giles: Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?
  Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.
• Buffy enlists Willow to translate Dr. Backer's work for her.
  Willow: Oh, yeah, I'm good at medical stuff since Xander and I used to play Doctor all the time.
  [Buffy and Cordelia look at Xander]
  Xander: [uncomfortable laugh] No, she's being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes, uh, and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong.
  Willow: Wrong? Why? [to Buffy] How did you play Doctor?
• When Giles and Cordelia are researching demons:
  Cordelia: Eww, what does this do?
  Giles: Uh, it extracts vital organs to replenish its own mutating cells.
  Cordelia: Wow! What does this one do?
  Giles: It elongates its mouth to engulf its victim's head with its incisors.
  Cordelia: Ouch! Wait, what does this one do?
  Giles: [incredibly irritated] It asks endless questions of those with whom it's supposed to be working so that nothing is getting done.
  Cordelia: Boy, there's a demon for everything!

"I Only Have Eyes for You" (2x19)

• When Willow advises her to be a little impulsive, Buffy recaps the whole Angel situation and finishes with, "The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures."
• The vampires move into the mansion.
  Spike: It's paradise. Big windows, lovely gardens. It'll be perfect when we want the sunlight to kill us.
  Angel: If you don't like it, Spike, hit the stairs and go. Take a stand, man.
  Spike: Well, our old place was just fine 'til you went and had it burned down.
  Angel: Things change, Spikey. You gotta roll with the punches. Well, actually, you pretty much got that part down, haven't you?
• The context is sad (Giles in denial about Jenny), but his line is still funny:
  Giles: You should never be cowed by authority. Except in this case when I am clearly right and you are clearly wrong.
• Willow asks if James should have paid for murdering Grace with his life.
  Buffy: No, he should be doing sixty years in a prison, breaking rocks and making special friends with Roscoe the Weightlifter.
  Xander: Yikes, the quality of mercy is not Buffy.
• As Angel scrubs himself, Spike snarks, "You might want to let up. They say when you've drawn blood, you've exfoliated.

"Go Fish" (2x20)

• On the topic of the gang possibly having to find a demon that discards its victim's skin before eating them.
  • There's this exchange:
    Buffy: So, something ripped him open and ate out his insides?
    Willow: Like an Oreo cookie, well, except for, you know, without the... chocolatey cookie goodness...
  • And later, in that same conversation:
    Buffy: This doesn't make any sense.
    Xander: Yeah, the skin's the best part.
    Buffy: Any demons with high cholesterol?
    Giles: [straight-faced and staring at Buffy]
    Buffy: [pointing at Giles] You're gonna think about that later, Mister, and you're gonna laugh.
• Xander comes across a mutant fish monster and tries to tell the others about it. Though some aren't quite buying how he faced it.
  Cordelia: Admit it, you ran like a woman.
  • And just a few minutes later:
    Xander: What about me, what do I do?
    Cordelia: You could go into the parking lot and practice running like a man.
• Buffy suggests Willow question Jonathan, on suspicion of him being behind everything.
  Willow: [smiles] Really? Me? [scowls] I'll crack him like an egg.
• Willow does a dramatic interrogation with a light in Jonathan's face.
  Willow: You hated being pushed around by Dodd and the others.
  Jonathan: So?
  Willow: So, you wanted revenge. Didn't you? [gets in his face] DIDN'T YOU?
  Jonathan: Yeah, okay? I did!
  Willow: [satisfied smile] So...you delved into the black arts and conjured up a hellbeast from the ocean's depths to wreak your vengeance. [sees his confused face] Didn't you?
  Jonathan: What? No. I snuck in yesterday and...peed in the pool.
  Willow: Oh. Ew!
  • Buffy asks for an update on Jonathan, and Willow reports that he only peed in the pool...right before Xander jumps in.
• Buffy and Willow Eating the Eye Candy when they see Xander in a Speedo.
  Xander: I'm undercover.
  Buffy: You're not under much.
  [...]
  Xander: I figure I can keep an eye on Gage and the others when Buffy can't.
  Willow: When you're nude? [Buffy nudges her] I-I meant to say changing.

Becoming (2x21 and 22)

• Buffy and Willow find the floppy disk that Jenny left behind and put it into the nearest computer:
  Buffy: This feels really morbid.
  Willow: I've gone through most of her files already.
  Buffy: Does that makes it less morbid, or you really morbid?
• This exchange, when the gang is having an argument:
  Cordelia: You know, Xander has a point, you guys.
  Xander: Y'know, I wish just once that you'd support me and now I realize that you were and I'm embarrassed, so I'm gonna get back to the point!
• After a long and very grim explanation by Giles of how the demon Acathla, if awakened, will pull the entire world into a hell dimension where every non-demon would suffer eternal torment, we suddenly Description Cut to Angel, Spike, and Drusilla looking at the stone that's holding Acathla.
  Spike: It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.
• Angelus' description of Acathla:
  Angelus: Acathla the demon came forth to swallow the world. He was killed by a virtuous knight who pierced the demon's heart before he could draw breath to perform the act. Acathla turned to stone, as demons sometimes do, and was buried where neither man nor demon would want to look. Unless of course they're putting up low-rent housing.
• Giles has an Orb of Thesula on hand, calling back to "Passion".
  Giles: I've been using it as a paperweight.
• Angelus attempts to perform the ritual that will awaken Acathla, but is thrown across the room when it doesn't work. Spike's response?
  Spike: [singsong] Someone wasn't wooooorthy.
• On being unable to prepare for the finals because of yet another impending apocalypse:
  Buffy: Ah, I'll wing it. Of course, if we go to hell by then, I won't have to take them. [Beat] ...Or maybe I'll be taking them forever...
• Spike explaining why he doesn't want to destroy the world:
  Spike: We like to talk big, vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United, and you've got people. Billions of people running around like Happy Meals on legs. It's all right here.
• Buffy's response to Spike after he proposes an Enemy Mine:
  Buffy: I lost a friend tonight. I might lose more. The whole earth may be sucked into Hell... and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to not care!
• Buffy and Spike finalizing their temporary alliance while the police officer that tried to arrest Buffy lies unconscious nearby.
  Buffy: All right. Talk.
  Spike: [idly] Just let me kill this guy and...
  Buffy: [clears her throat loudly]
  Spike: [looks puzzled, then insincerely sheepish] Oh. Right.
• Buffy and Spike trying to concoct an excuse for how they know each other and hilariously failing at it:
  Spike: She doesn't know?
  Joyce: Doesn't know what?
  Buffy: That I'm, uh... in a band! A rock band, with Spike here.
  Spike: Right, she plays the... the... triangle.
  Buffy: Drums.
• The scene with Joyce and Spike sitting together in the living room is hilariously awkward. After a few moments of silence:
  Joyce: ...have we met?
  Spike: Er... You hit me with an axe one time. Remember, er, "get the hell away from my daughter"?
  Joyce: Oh. [pause] So, do you live here in town?
• Joyce's Continuity Lock-Out:
  Spike: ...You let me and Dru skip town, I help you kill Angel.
  Joyce: [looking between Buffy and Spike confusedly] Angel, your boyfriend?!
• While Dru keeps on making out with Giles quite unnecessarily, Angel and Spike talk a bit before noticing. Their faces....
  Spike: Uh, Drusilla?
  Angel: ...Honey?
  Spike: We are finished here, Ducks.
• Whistler says, "You know, raiding an Englishman's fridge is like dating a nun. You're never gonna get the good stuff."
• When Xander rescues Giles:
  Giles: It's a trick. They get inside my head, make me see things I want.
  Xander: Then why would they make you see me?
  Giles: You're right. Let's go.
• For some reason, Spike's reaction when Angelus is standing over Buffy with a sword.
  Spike: [holding Drusilla in his arms, in shock] God he's going to kill her. [shrugs, then keeps walking]
• When Spike is wailing on Angelus, Drusilla tackles him with an angry squeal.
  • A moment later, they're facing each other, and Spike says, "I don't wanna hurt you, baby." Dru attacks again, and he slugs her and casually says, "Doesn't mean I won't."