- Amilyn's arm has just been accidentally sheared off at the shoulder. He glances at it, then frowns at the sidekick. "You ruined my new jacket!" He then looks at his vampire henchmen and orders "Kill him a lot!"
- This same character's death scene, near the end of the movie. An exceptionally hammy Paul Reubens milks it for all it's worth.Amilyn: We're immortal, Buffy! We can do anything we want!
Buffy: Oh yeah? Clap!
- Then his hammy death:Amilyn: Ooooh... aaaaaah.... oooooohhhh.... aaaaaahhhh.... (steals a glance at Buffy) Oooooh.... aaaaah....
- He continues to die over the end credits.
- Then his hammy death:
- This exchange:Buffy: You were my friend!
Grueller: (now a vampire) Now I'm a god!
[Buffy kicks Grueller in the face, knocking him right back into Pike, who promptly stabs him through the heart with a slab of wood.]
Pike: And now you're a coat rack!
- A TV news reporter notes that eyewitnesses have compared a vampire victim's neck bite to "a really gross hickey."
- When being attacked by a vamp:Pike: Look! Air!
- The principal walking around and dropping detention slips on all the dead vampires on the gym floor.
- Pretty much any scene with the principal, really.
Welcome to the Hellmouth (1x01)
- Xander's entrance, which cements his Butt-Monkey status. He's skateboarding to school, dodging students up until he sees Buffy... and gets clothes-lined by the railing.
- This exchange between Buffy and Giles in the library:Giles: Everything you dreaded was under your bed but told yourself couldn't be—they're all real.
Buffy: What? You sent away for the Time-Life Series?
Giles: Um, yes.
Buffy: Did you get the free phone?
Giles: The calendar.
The Harvest (1x02)
- Willow's reaction to finding out about vampires and demons and Buffy being the Slayer.Willow: (sitting in a chair) I think I might need to sit down.
Buffy: You are sitting down.
Willow: Oh. Good for me.
- At the end of the episode, just after Giles finishes explaining how The Scoobies may be the only thing standing between the Earth and total destruction, Buffy and co. walk off, brainstorming ideas about how Buffy could get kicked out of school. Giles's reaction?Giles: The Earth is doomed.
- The opening scene:Giles: This is madness! What can you have been thinking? You are the Slayer! Lives depend upon you! (begins pacing) I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of responsibility, and instead of which you enslave yourself to this, this... cult?
Buffy: (wearing a cheerleader outfit) You don't like the color?
- Xander as hero.Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.
- Buffy has several funny moments in the early stages of having Catherine's Bloodstone Vengeance spell cast on her, such as perkily singing "Macho Man" in front of a bewildered Joyce.
- One of Willow's early zingers:Giles: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?
Willow: Maybe because they met her?
Never Kill a Boy on the First Date (1x05)
- After Giles finds a ring from one of the slain vampires in the teaser.Buffy: Oh, that's great! I kill 'em; you fence their stuff.
- The Master reading a prophecy:"And there will be a time of crisis, of worlds hanging in the balance. And in this time shall come the Anointed, the Master's great warrior. And the Slayer will not know him, will not stop him, and he will lead her into hell." As it is written, so shall it be. "Five will die, and from their ashes, the Anointed shall rise. The brethren of Aurelius shall greet him and usher him to his immortal destiny." As it is written, so shall it be. [referring to vampire slain in teaser] "And one of the brethren shall get himself killed because he couldn't wait to finish his job before he ate." Oh, wait. [grabs minion by the throat] That's not written anywhere.
- After Buffy protests bailing on her date with Owen to deal with the Order of Aurelius:Giles: I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the 12th century, and ask the vampires to defer their prophecy while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: Okay, at this point, you're abusing sarcasm.
- Funnier because this is Buffy saying it.
- Giles gives Buffy a short but firm speech about how they must stop the Master and that they're going to head into battle. Cut to Giles and Buffy waiting in a cemetery that night, no vampire to be seen.Giles: Perhaps I miscalculated.
Buffy: I'm thinking yes.
The Pack (1x06)
- Giles hears about Xander's condition.Giles: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate?
Giles: And there's a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?
Giles: And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles.
Buffy: It's bad, isn't it?
Giles: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen year-old boy. You'll have to kill him, of course...
- After the Three fail him and they offer their lives as penance, the Master is talking to the Anointed One about how taking the life of another vampire is a serious thing.Anointed One: So you would spare them?
The Master: I am weary, and their deaths will bring me little joy. [turns away]
[Darla gleefully starts staking the Three]
The Master: Of course, sometimes, a little is enough.
- Buffy sees her diary lying around and assumes Angel had read it. She gets to the following point in her little rant before Angel tells her that her mother just moved it when she was cleaning.
I Robot, You Jane (1x08)
- "Nazi Germany was an example of a well-ordered society? Who's been editing my files?"
- Buffy jumps a chainlink fence and lands on her feet like a badass. Xander jumps a chainlink fence and... lands on his face. It's the simple things in life.
- Moloch the Corrupter, a demon who has been released into the Internet, tries to turn Willow:Moloch: Don't you see? I can give you everything! I can control the world! Right now, a man in Beijing is transferring money to a Swiss bank account for a contract on his mother's life. (beat) Good for him!
- After Xander punches out a Mook:Xander: HEY!! I got to hit someone!!
- There's something wonderfully Narm Charmy about how Giles puts huge gusto and YELLING into a passage that he's just reading for Jenny to type into the computer.
- One has to wonder how many exclamation points she added to that...
- The ending. Funny enough at the time, tragically hilarious in hindsight.Buffy: Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I've moved here? Turned out to be a vampire.
Xander: Right, and the teacher I had a crush on? Giant praying mantis?
Willow: That's true.
Xander: Yeah, that's life on the Hellmouth.
Buffy: Let's face it: none of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship.
Xander: We're doomed!
(All laugh, then stop as what they're saying sinks in. They sit in quiet realization until the credits roll)
The Puppet Show (1x09)
- Principal Snyder gets introduced, infamous for deadpan deliveries of a cynical portrayal of kids and berating his predecessor Principal Flutie's school policies.Snyder: Kids today need discipline. That's an unpopular word these days—"discipline." I know Principal Flutie would have said "Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings." That's the kind of woolly-headed, liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.
- Another gem:Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate. Students loitering on campus after school. Horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also smoking.
- Another gem:
- The look of exquisite suffering on Giles's face while Cordelia butchers "The Greatest Love of All." (Even funnier after watching the later seasons, where he's revealed as a decent musician.)
- Also, when she tries to corner him later in the episode:Cordelia: ...And [my song] is sappy. And no one is going to be feeling sappy after all that rock and roll. (Giles glares at her in exasperation, then his gaze slides upward) What?
Giles: Oh, I'm, I'm sorry. Erm... your hair, er...
Cordelia: There's something wrong with my hair? ...Oh my God. (exits)
Giles: Xander was right. It worked like a charm.
- Also, when she tries to corner him later in the episode:
- Xander: "Does anyone else feel like we've been Keyser Soze'd?"
- Xander pretending to make Sid yell "Red rum! RED RUUUUUM!". Followed by them having matching grins.
- Buffy and Sid's One Dialogue, Two Conversations.Sid: You win. Now you can take your heart and your brain and move on.
Buffy: I'm sure they would have made great trophies for your case.
Sid: That would have been justice.
Buffy: Yeah, except for one thing-you lost, and now you'll never be human.
Sid: Yeah, well. Neither will you.
Buffy/Sid: [simultaneously] What?!
- Xander, Giles, and Willow's horrified reactions when they see Sid is gone.
- Buffy's reaction to the demon's real face after kicking him in the face and tearing away his skin:Buffy: Ewww!
- When the curtain lifts: Buffy is holding Sid, Willow carries an axe, and there's a dead demon beneath the guillotine.Snyder: I don't get it. (credits start to roll) Is it avant-garde?
- The Oedipus Rex scene over the end, especially when Willow freezes and then bolts.
- This exchange:Xander: Our dreams are coming true.
Giles: Dreams? That would be a musical comedy version of this. Our nightmares. Our nightmares are coming true.
Willow: So why is this happening?
Xander: Well. That explanation was shorter than usual.
- Cordelia's nightmares, getting horrifically frizzy hair and being forcibly conscripted into the Chess Club.
- Buffy's nightmare, while terrifying, does have a quip from the Master quoting Cinderella.
- Xander's nightmare is a terrifying, laughing, knife-wielding clown he remembers from his sixth birthday party. He, Willow, and Giles run screaming... then Xander stops, thinks about it, and knocks the clown out with one punch.Xander: You were a lousy clown! Your balloon animals were pathetic! Everyone can make a giraffe!
- For that matter, when Xander runs into Willow and asks her if she remembers his sixth birthday party. She starts laughing about the clown, before abruptly realizing why he's bringing it up.
Out of Mind, Out of Sight (1x11)
- Snyder has one gem:Snyder: There are no dead students here. This week.
- Cordelia's hilarious self-centeredness culminates in this statement:Cordelia: People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing.
- Her running up to Buffy to ask for help, having figured out that Marcie is after her.Cordelia: It's All About Me! Me, me, me!
- Her running up to Buffy to ask for help, having figured out that Marcie is after her.
- Xander's pun regarding a student having seemingly been attacked by a sentient baseball bat (this is prior to the gang discovering that the culprit is the invisible girl, Marcie):Giles: I've never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before.
Xander: Maybe it's a vampire bat. (everyone stares at him) ...I'm alone on that one, huh?
- Willow and Xander distract Snyder so Buffy can sneak past him to investigate the locker room:Snyder: (to Buffy) And you need to stay away from the crime scene. Always sticking your nose in.
Willow: Sue? What did you say? Mitch was gonna sue the school?
Snyder: Sue? Who?
Xander: Well, his dad is the most powerful lawyer in Sunnydale.
Snyder: Hold on. What have you two heard?
Xander: His dad, the lawyer. You haven't heard of him?
Willow: Other lawyers call him 'The Beast'.
Snyder: Don't sue.
- Alyson Hannigan's delivery of that last line is what really makes it hilarious.
- This also comes up later, after Marcie pushes Harmony down the stairs, breaking the latter's ankle:
- When Cordelia eventually turns to the Scoobies for help:Cordelia: Buffy, I, uh, I, I know we've had our differences, with you being so weird and all, and hanging out with these total losers... Well, anyway, despite all of that, I know that you share this feeling that we have for each other, deep down ...
- After getting her a chair so she can sit with the Scoobies, Giles mentions that he's never seen her in the library before. Cordy's response, delivered with complete earnestness:Cordelia: Oh, no; I have a life.
- And then there's Xander's lampshading of the fact that, for once, Cordelia's It's All About Me attitude is actually correct, this time.
Prophecy Girl (1x12)
- During an earthquake, the Master gives a hammish monologue about how it is a sign of the apocalypse. When it is done, he turns to the Anointed One and does what any Californian would do after an earthquake:The Master: What do you think? 5.1?
- Xander: "That's cool. I'm going to go home, lay down and listen to country music... the music of pain."
- Later in the episode, when Willow tries to call him, Xander is sprawled on his bed with the phone off the hook as Patsy Cline plays in the background.
- The Gag Echo of everyone telling Buffy that they like her dress (even The Master after he's killed her). The closing lines of the episode?
- Angel: By the way, I like your—
Buffy: Yeah yeah, it's a big hit with everybody.
When She Was Bad (2x01)
- Snyder's lecture to Giles on the danger of adolescents, which goes like this:Snyder: Someone's gotta keep an eye on 'em. They're just a bunch of hormonal timebombs. Why, every time a pretty girl walks by, every boy turns into a gibbering fool.
Giles (having wandered off and made eye contact with Jenny Calendar): Well, I-I uh, um—(lips move)—hello.
- Another Snyder:Snyder: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.
Giles: No, actually, that would be one of the five.
- Cordy makes a suggestion.Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it. This is never good.
- This exchange:Willow: What's making Buffy act like such a B-I-T-C-H?
Giles: Willow, I think we're a little old to be spelling words out.
Xander: A... "bitca"?
Giles: Yes. Well...
- Giles' deadpan followup really sells it:
- Last line:Anointed One: (Looking at the dust remains of all his underlings) I hate that girl.
Some Assembly Required (2x02)
- Buffy tells Giles while on patrol, she and Angel found some empty graves:Giles: Grave robbing? That's new. Interesting.
Buffy: I know you meant to say gross and disturbing.
Giles: Yes, of course. Terrible thing. Must put a stop to it... dammit.
- Cordelia is whining about no one giving her sympathy, so without missing a beat Giles pats her on the shoulder. Even better, Cordelia reacts by shrugging, almost saying Okay, that was deserved.Giles: There there.
- Giles's reaction to Ms Calendar asking him out on a date.Giles: What should I wear?
Jenny: (looks him up and down) Do you own anything else?
School Hard (2x03)
- Buffy chides Angel for not picking up on her hints, after he's (potentially) dated for 200 years. Leading Willow to put her foot way deep into her throat:Willow: Wow. Two centuries of dating. If you had two a year that's still 400 different dates with 400 different... [Buffy glares] Why do they call it a mace?
- After Angel splits suddenly and soundlessly from the library again:Xander: Okay, that's it. I'm putting a collar with a little bell on that guy.
- Buffy makes lemonade. Willow's excited by the prospect and takes a swig... only to discover Buffy isn't aware that sugar is usually an ingredient.
Inca Mummy Girl (2x04)
- When Willow prevents Buffy from confronting a delinquent student, telling her the "non-violent" approach is probably better here:Buffy: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence... Do I?
Xander: The important thing is you believe that.
Reptile Boy (2x05)
- Xander: Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak?
(Angel appears right behind him.)
Xander, seamlessly: Hey, man, how you doing?
Xander, in a deep voice: Xander.
- And the whole time this exchange is happening Xander is busy reading a newspaper. Nicholas Brendon's delivery absolutely seals it.
- Also this, after the gang rescues Buffy from the frat house party turned attempted human sacrifice:Buffy: (shamefacedly) I told one lie. I had one drink.
Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words "let that be a lesson to you" are a tad redundant at this juncture.
- Willow Rosenberg. Covert Pervert.To Buffy: You'd rather go to a party where there's going to be drinking and older guys and possibly an orgy.
To Xander: You want to protect her. And prove that you're just as good as those rich snotty guys. And possibly catch an orgy.
Xander: If it's on early.
- Since Xander dresses as a soldier, Buffy dresses as an 18th-century noblewoman, and Willow dresses as a ghost, things are predictably hectic when their costumes take them over.Soldier!Xander: (with Buffy clinging to him after seeing a car) She's never seen a car?
Ghost!Willow: She's from the past.
Soldier!Xander: And you're a ghost.
Ghost!Willow: Yes, now let's get inside?
Soldier!Xander: Just want you to know I'm taking a lot on faith here.
- Once the costumes take over the children, Spike observes the chaos with a shit-eating grin on his face. You may as well have given him popcorn.Spike: Well! This is just...neat!
- The first indication that their original personalities are still there:Soldier!Xander: It's weird, but beating up that pirate note gave me a weird sense of closure.
- The entirety of Buffy's attempts to distract Giles while Willow sneaks in and steals the Watchers' Diaries. Particularly Sarah Michelle Gellar's delivery of "look at me when I talk to you". The thing that distracts Giles from his suspicions? "Miss Calendar said you were a babe" - which also earns her a disapproving shake of the head from Willow.
- Drusilla is wonderfully random.Drusilla: Do you love my insides? The parts you can't see.
Spike: Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet.
- Giles wonders what Willow's costume is supposed to be. She shyly replies that she's a ghost. He takes in the hot goth outfit that was underneath the ghost costume and asks "the ghost of what exactly?"
- Oz establishes himself as an Ensemble Dark Horse with this great response.Cordelia: Is Mr "I'm the lead singer, I'm so great I don't need to show up for my date or even call" going to be there?
Oz: Yeah, you know, he's just going by Devon now.
- Willow trying to deal with amnesiac Buffy and Xander.Buffy: Buffy?
Willow: She's not Buffy.
Xander: Who's Buffy?
Willow: Oh, this is fun.
- Princess!Buffy starts screaming at the sight of a "demon" that turns out to be just a car. When Willow tells her this, she asks in a terrified voice "What does it want?" Xander's reaction is "Is this woman insane?"
Lie to Me (2x07)
- Angel laments the shallow vampire fanboys:Angel: These people don't know anything about vampires. What they are, how they live, how they dress...
(Cue a teen walking past in an outfit identical to his)
- When we learn what Ford is up to...Spike (after Ford walks into the factory): Do I have anyone on watch? It's called security, people! Are you all asleep? Beat Or have we finally found a restaurant that delivers?
- Drusilla convinces Spike to hear Ford out. Spike's reaction to Ford wanting to be a vampire?Spike: I've known you for two minutes and I don't like you. I really don't feature you living forever. Can I eat him now, love?
- Drusilla convinces Spike to hear Ford out. Spike's reaction to Ford wanting to be a vampire?
- And when the vampires get locked inside, Spike's delivery of "Where's the doorknob?"
The Dark Age (2x08)
- Giles' exasperation with Buffy playing loud music while exercising in the library:Giles: (shouting over the music) Must we have this noise during your calisthenics?!
Buffy: It's not noise; it's music!
Giles: I know music! Music has notes! This is noise!
Buffy: I'm aerobicising. I must have the beat.
Giles: Wonderful. You work on your muscle tone while my brain dribbles out of my ears.
- Buffy, Xander, and Willow watching Giles and Jenny walk off together, and commenting on how cute they look before Xander remarks "Can you just imagine them together?" A beat passes, then the trio hurriedly walk off.
- Jenny trolling Giles by telling him she damaged a book he lent her:Jenny: You know how you dog-ear your favorite pages so you can go back to them?
Jenny: I had to fold back every single page. So I just started underlining all the pages I wanted to discuss.
Jenny: But then I spilled coffee all over it. I can't even read it.
Giles: It's a first edition.
Jenny: I'm lying, Rupert. The book's fine. I just love to see you squirm.
- This exchange between Ethan and Buffy after she catches him snooping in the library:Buffy: You ran that costume shop.
Ethan: Oh, I'm pleased you remember.
Buffy: That Halloween dress you sold me nearly got us killed.
Ethan: But you looked great. (gets punched by Buffy)
- When Eyghon!Phillip crashes into the library and advances on them, Ethan shows just how big a coward he is by hiding behind Buffy.
- Xander starting to thank Eyghon!Phillip for interrupting his computer studies session, only for Eyghon!Phillip to crash against the cage door.
What's My Line? Part 1 (2x09)
- Willow falls asleep at the library computer and Giles shakes her awake.Willow (jolting upright): DON'T WARN THE TADPOLES!
- Xander pays Cordelia back for two years of abuse.Cordelia: What am I, mass transportation?
Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker-room talk.
What's My Line? Part 2 (2x10)
- Willy delivers Angel to Spike. And then asks a stupid question.Willy: What're you gonna do with him, anyway?
Spike: I'm thinking... maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know.
- Ted offers to give some computer software to Willow, and she responds with the most high pitched giggle you can possibly imagine. The captioning reads "[Excited babbling]."Xander: That's the sound she makes when she's speechless with geeker joy.
- Buffy tells Ted and Joyce she's "okay" with their relationship. Cut to Buffy absolutely beating the everloving piss out of a poor vampire.Buffy (after staking): I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come and they run around and they kill people and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas and everyone's like, "Oh, look! A mini-pizza!" but I'm telling you, I have-
Giles: Buffy, I-I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh, text.
- Angel is having his hand wrapped up in gauze, but the pained expression he has is from Buffy complaining about Ted. When she says she's sick of everyone talking about him, before playing sweetheart Angel gets this dig in.Angel: So you going to talk about something else at some point?
- After the monster of the week is done ...Willow: The sad thing is, the real Ted must have been a genius. There were design features in that robot that predate-
Buffy: Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts!
Willow: ... well, not any big ones?
Buffy: Oh Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
Willow: I-I just wanna learn stuff!
Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?
Xander: Well, its so hard to rent one nowadays.
- Buffy's surprise party, after being crashed by vampires:Cordelia: (a bit late) SURPRISE!!!
Oz: That pretty much... sums it up. Hey, did anyone else see that guy turn to dust?
Xander: Yes... Vampires are real... A lot of them live in Sunnydale... Willow will fill you in...
Willow: I know this is hard to accept...
Oz: Actually it explains a LOT.
- While Willow and Oz were waiting in the van while Xander and Cordelia were stealing the rocket launcherOz: So do you guys steal weapons from the army a lot?
Willow: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.
- Xander's accurate summation of teenage hormones.Cordelia: Does looking at guns really make guys want to have sex?
Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me want to have sex.
- This CMOF, also a CMOA and the excuse for one of Joss's favorite props:Judge (gloating): No weapon forged can defeat me!
Buffy: That was then... (shoulders an anti-tank rocket launcher) This is now.
(Angel and Drusilla begin to dive out of the way)
Judge (curious): What's that do? (blown to little bitty pieces)
- Drusilla's always good for a laugh:Dru: I'm naming all the stars...
Spike: You can't see the stars. That's the ceiling, Dru. Also, it's day.
Dru: I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion.
Spike: (to the newly soulless Angel when he says he doesn't want to kill Buffy) ...Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we do still kill people. It's sort of our raison d'être, you know.
- This shows how broken she is.
- After several werewolf attacks, the students are being taught self-defense. After the instructor explains these are simple techniques Buffy offers an idea mostly to herself.Buffy: Here's a suggestion: move away from the Hellmouth.
- Larry is tormenting Theresa during self defense class, before trying to get her to be his partner. This fires up Buffy who steps in and we get this exchange.Theresa: There's actually a few others who need partners.
Buffy: And I'm one of the few.
- Buffy's all smiles, her thought process along the lines of, Yeah, okay, Larry's going home short a couple of limbs, until Willow pulls her aside.Willow: Buffy, just remember, you're meant to be a weak girl. You can't go all Slayer on him.
Buffy: (complaining) Spoil my fun.
- After pouting she does anyway, when she pretends to struggle with the moves she was shown to do and Larry grabs her ass.Oz: (after seeing Larry thrown down hard) That works too.
- What about Xander talking to Larry about being a Werewolf, telling him he'd gone through the same thing when he was part of "The Pack"Xander: Hurting me isn't going to make this go away, people are still going to find out.
Larry: (Looking scared) Alright. What do you want? Hush money? Is that what you're after?
Xander: I don't WANT anything, I just wanna help!
Larry: What, you think you have a cure?
Xander: (Talking about his time in The Pack) No, it's just... I know what you're going through because I've BEEN there. That's why I know you should talk about it.
Larry: That's easy for you to say. You're nobody. I got a reputation.
Xander: Larry, please, before someone else gets hurt!
Larry: Look, if this gets out, it's over for me. Forget about playing football, they'll run me out of this town! I mean, come on, how are people gonna look at me after they find out I'm gay?
Larry: I said it... and it felt... okay! I'm gay! I am gay!
Xander: I heard you the first time.
Larry: I don't believe it. It was almost easy. I never felt I could tell anyone, and then you... you of all people... you bring it out of me... Knowing you went through the same thing... made it easier for me to admit it!
Xander: The same thing... Larry, no, I'm not-
Larry: (Pats Xander on the shoulder) Don't worry. I wouldn't do that to you. Your secret's safe with me. (Gives Xander a thumbs up and walks out, leaving Xander there, shocked)
Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2x16)
- Buffy demands to know just how bad Angelus was, and Giles reads out a list of his past atrocities. The fragment we hear is blackly hilarious:Giles: "Look, here's another. Here. Erm, 'Valentine's Day', yes, erm... 'Angel nails a puppy to the—'"
Buffy: "Skip it. I don't have a puppy. I don't want to know. Skip it."
- At the library, Xander 'fesses up to Giles about the love spell gone bad - a moment later Jenny strides in, determined to talk things out with Giles, but gets totally distracted by Xander, who gives a helpless 'see what I mean?' shrug.
- Xander tries to barricade himself in the library. He puts a huge piece of furniture in front of the door. Buffy effortlessly enters - unfortunately that door opens the other way.
- It should be noted that the same door definitely didn't do that in other episodes, such as prominently the season one finale, when vampires tried to enter the place.
- He tries this again with the door to Buffy's basement, with equally successful results.
- Amy starts casting another spell on one of Xander's rivals (having turned Buffy into a rat previously), only for Xander to clap his hand over her mouth.Xander: Would you quit it with the Hecates!?
- Xander tries to hide at home in his room. Unfortunately Willow is awaiting him wearing one of his shirts, and nothing else. She does everything in her power to seduce Xander, going to lengths not seen even when she later tries to make up with Oz. Xander decides he has to be a man, and hide (or rather run).
- Even Drusilla declares her love to a terrified Xander, much to the confusion of Angelus.Angelus: I guess I really did drive you crazy!
- Speaking of Drusilla, even she can't stop Xander's wisecracking.Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it.
Xander: (scared shitless) Really? It doesn't say "Spare me" by any chance?
Drusilla: Shh. How do you feel about eternal life?
Xander: We couldn't just start with a coffee? A movie maybe?
- To top it all off, Buffy sums up her part in the episode with this gem:Buffy: I remember coming on to you... I remember begging you to undress me... and then a sudden need for cheese.
- In the middle of an incredibly dark episode, we get this gem from Angelus when he's talking to Jenny in the classroom. It's the spot-on delivery from Boreanaz that really sells it.Angelus: I heard! You went shopping at the local boogity-boogity store!
- Another Angelus example; upon returning to the factory, he says this to the wheelchair-bound Spike;Angelus: Maybe I'll bring you along next time, Spike. You might be handy to have around if I ever need a really good parking space.
Killed by Death (2x18)
- When no one is singing:Buffy: Shh, hospital zone, no singing.
- When Giles and Cordelia are researching demons:Cordelia: Eww, what does this do?
Giles: It extracts vital organs to replenish its own mutating cells.
Cordelia: Wow! What does this one do?
Giles: It elongates its mouth to engulf its victim's head with its incisors.
Cordelia: Ouch! Wait, what does this one do?
Giles: (incredibly irritated) It asks endless questions of those with whom it's supposed to be working so that nothing is getting done.
Cordelia: Boy, there's a demon for everything!
Cordelia: So this isn't about you being afraid of hospitals 'cause your friend died, and you want to conjure up a monster that you can fight so you can save everybody and not feel so helpless?
- As they're discussing the existence of Buffy's demon-
Giles: Cordelia, have you ever actually heard of tact?
Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.
I Only Have Eyes for You (2x19)
- The context is sad (Giles in denial about Jenny) but the line is still funny:Giles: You should never be cowed by authority. Except in this case when I am clearly right and you are clearly wrong.
Go Fish (2x20)
- Xander comes across a mutant fish monster and tries to tell the others about it. Though some aren't quite buying how he faced it.Cordelia: Admit it, you ran like a woman.
Xander: What about me, what do I do?
- And just a few minutes later,
Cordelia: You could go into the parking lot and practice running like a man.
- On the topic of the gang possibly having to find a demon that discards its victim's skin before eating them.
Buffy: So, something ripped him open and ate out his insides?
- There's this exchange:
Willow: Like an Oreo cookie, well, except for, you know, without the... chocolatey cookie goodness...
Buffy: This doesn't make any sense.
- And later, in that same conversation:
Xander: Yeah, the skin's the best part.
Buffy: Any demons with high cholesterol?
Giles: *straight faced and staring at Buffy*
Buffy: *pointing at Giles* You're gonna think about that later, Mister, and you're gonna laugh.
Becoming (2x21 and 22)
- Buffy and Willow find the floppy disk that Jenny left behind and put it into the nearest computer:Buffy: This feels really morbid.
Willow: I've gone through most of her files already.
Buffy: Does that makes it less morbid, or you really morbid?
- This exchange, when the gang is having an argument;Cordelia: You know Xander has a point you guys.
Xander: Y'know. I wish just once that you'd support me and now I realize that you were and I'm embarrassed, so I'm gonna get back to the point!
- After a long and very grim explanation by Giles, of how the demon Acathla, if awakened, would pull the entire world into a Hell dimension, where every non-demon would suffer eternal torment, we suddenly Description Cut to the view Angel, Spike, and Drusilla looking at the stone that's holding Acathla:Spike: It's a big rock. Can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.
- Angelus' description of Acathla:Angelus: Acathla the demon came forth to swallow the world. He was killed by a virtuous knight who pierced the demon's heart before he could draw breath to perform the act. Acathla turned to stone, as demons sometimes do, and was buried where neither man nor demon would want to look. ...Unless of course they're putting up low-rent housing.
- Giles' having an Orb of Thesula on hand, calling back to "Passion".Giles: I've been using it as a paperweight.
- Angelus attempts to perform the ritual that will awaken Acathla, but is thrown across the room when it doesn't work. Spike's response?Spike: (singsong) Someone wasn't wooooorthy.
- Spike explaining why he doesn't want to destroy the world:Spike: We like to talk big, vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United, and you've got people. Billions of people running around like Happy Meals on legs. It's all right here.
- Buffy: "I lost a friend tonight. I might lose more. The whole earth may be sucked into Hell... and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho? Well let me take this opportunity to not care!"
- Or just as Buffy and Spike are finalizing their temporary alliance, while the police officer that tried to arrest Buffy lies unconscious nearby.Buffy: All right. Talk.
Spike: (idly) Just let me kill this guy and...
Buffy: (clears her throat loudly)
Spike: (looks puzzled, then insincerely sheepish) Oh. Right.
- The scene with Joyce and Spike sitting together in the living room is hilariously awkward.Joyce: Have we met?
Spike: Er... You hit me with an axe one time. Remember, er, "get the hell away from my daughter"?
Joyce: Oh. - pause - So, do you live here in town?
- For some reason, Spike's reaction when Angelus is standing over Buffy with a sword.Spike (holding Drusilla in his arms): *in shock* He's really going to kill her. *shrugs, then keeps walking*
- On being unable to prepare for the finals because of yet another impending apocalypse:
- (after the vampire has escaped)
Xander: First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen?
Oz: Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team?
Xander: That's right, he was! [yells at Andy] Cheater! [turns back] Okay, and the, uh, second problem I'm having — "Come and get it, Big Boy"?
Willow: Well, w-w-well, the Slayer always says a pun, or-or a witty play on words, and, I think it throws the vampires off! And, and it makes them frightened, because I'm wisecracking. Okay, I didn't really have a chance to work on that one, but you try it every time!Oz: Uh, if I may suggest, "This time it's personal." I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic.
- And the scene before that, with Willow confronting the vampire."That's right big boy, come and get it."
- During the climactic fight, the villain takes Lily hostage at knife-point, then steps away and begins to monologue. You see Lily's brain processing for a moment before she reaches out, shoves him over a ledge, and stares at her handiwork in wide-eyed surprise.
- This:Buffy (standing over a trapped demon holding a big club): Hey Ken, want to see my impression of Gandhi?
Buffy: Well, you know, if he was really pissed off.
Dead Mans Party (3x02)
- Giles imitating Joyce while driving over to Buffy's house.Giles: Unbelievable. (Imitating Joyce) "Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It RAISES THE DEAD." Americans!
- Giles hotwiring his car:Giles: Like riding a bloody bicycle!
- Jonathan getting caught in the middle of a verbal spat between Buffy and her mother and friendsBuffy: "Great, anyone else want to weigh in on this? You there, by the dip."
Jonathan: "No, thanks."
- Cordelia's reaction to seeing Buffy for the first time this season.Cordelia (after being thrown into her by a vampire): Hey, Buffy!
- Buffy wordlessly tosses her aside out of the way.
- In possibly the best example of Tempting Fate, Willow sarcastically states that they should solve their argument with violence. As if on cue, the zombies show up.Willow: I was being sarcastic!
Faith, Hope and Trick (3x03)
- When Snyder is forced to rescind Buffy's expulsion:Buffy: So let me get this straight. I'm really back in school because the school board overruled you. Wow. That's like having your whole ability to do this job called into question, when you think about it.
Joyce: Buffy, sit down. (to Snyder) I believe what my daughter is trying to say is... Nyah nyah, nuh-nyah nyah!
- During the titular event, Giles rushes up to Xander and Willow while they're moping on the dance floor and gives us a good ten seconds of glorious awkwardness.Giles: We have to find Buffy. Something terrible's happened. [Willow and Xander look stunned] Just kidding! I thought I'd throw you a little scare! [Beat] Are these finger sandwiches?
- Cordelia and Buffy are trapped in a cabin, and Buffy asks her to look for a weapon. Cordy finds a spatula.Buffy: That's it?
Cordelia: Just this and a telephone.
Buffy: .....a telephone. And you didn't think that'd be helpful?
Cordelia: No, this is better, for... [makes smacking motion, till it dawns on her] ...oh.
Buffy: Cordelia, the spatula.
- Bonus points for Cordy actually trying to use it on a demon, who doesn't even notice.
- And as she's doing this, one of the other hunters had dropped s rifle. Buffy exclaims "Cordelia, the gun!" Cordy grabs the gun, aims, fires. . . and nearly shoots Buffy.
- After the whole ordeal, Buffy and Cordelia lose the Homecoming Queen spot to Michelle and Holly. Their "You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!" faces are just priceless.
Band Candy (3x06)
- It would be easier to name the moments in this episode that were not laugh-out-loud funny.
- Buffy is training with Giles, but she wants to rush off to see Angel. Nonetheless, she allows herself to be blindfolded and handed a ball.Buffy: Okay, you're just doing this to take silly photos of me.
- Giles then tells her to throw the ball at him. She turns away and lets the ball fly, causing him to smirk before the ball hits the wall and thwacks him.Giles: You see it's not that... (BOP) ...ow.
- Giles then tells her to throw the ball at him. She turns away and lets the ball fly, causing him to smirk before the ball hits the wall and thwacks him.
- While Buffy is arguing with Joyce and Giles about them over-scheduling her, Giles says "Let's not... freak out," arousing Buffy's suspicions.
- Giles and Joyce listening to Cream at his apartment, and Giles happily bopping his head to the tune and saying "It rocks!"
- Pretty much the whole scene of the Scoobies finding The Bronze infested with old people acting like teenagers.
- Giles vs. the Policeman.Giles: Ooh, copper's got a gun. You'll never use it though, man.
- Snyder's line in this episode:Snyder: Woo, Summers, you drive like a SPAZZ!
Melaka Fray: Summers, you drive like a SPAZZ!
- This actually comes back up in Season 8, in a brief crossover with Fray:
Buffy: Oh my God. THAT is the one phrase that has survived two hundred years? I should have been more gentle to the English language.
- Buffy catching Giles and Joyce making out in front of the candy factory.
- Buffy tries to drag Joyce away, but Giles tells her to "sod off." In response, Buffy snatches his cigarette out of his mouth, throws it to the ground, and stomps on it.
- Ethan's response to Buffy, Giles, Joyce, and Snyder finding him in the factory—run off like the Dirty Coward he is.
- Buffy finding Ethan hiding in a wooden crate."Oh look, a box of farm-fresh chicken."
- Snyder tries flirting with Joyce, who makes a fantastic "whatever" face and moves away from him.
- Giles urging Buffy to punch Ethan, only for her to tell him to be quiet. When she finally does punch Ethan, Giles does a fist-pump, complete with an enthused "Yes!"
- And when Buffy threatens to really hurt Ethan, Giles has this completely excited grin on his face. He bounces.
- Buffy asks Joyce and Giles to tie up Ethan. Joyce very awkwardly pulls a pair of cuffs out of her shorts.Buffy (creeped out): Never tell me.
- At the end, when Buffy appears to be trying to come to grips with the events of the Band Candy rampage, when in fact she's talking about something else entirely:Buffy: (portentously) There was just too much to deal with. It was like nothing made sense anymore. The things that I thought I understood were gone. I just felt so alone...
Giles: Was that the math or the verbal?
Buffy: Mostly the math.
- Also at the end, when Buffy remarks she's glad she found Giles and Joyce before anything happened between them, Giles and Joyce, after Buffy heads off, turn and head in opposite directions.
Lovers' Walk (3x08)
- Cordelia: Get out of Sunnydale, that's a good thing. What kind of moron would ever want to come back here?
(cut to the Welcome to Sunnydale town entrance sign being smashed down by Spike's car on his way in... for the second time in the series)
- It helps that Spike is completely smashed in this scene.
- Spike passes out drunk in front of a crypt and wakes up when his hand catches fire from the sunlight. He rushes to a small fountain on the side of the crypt to put it out...and shouts in pain from having splashed holy water across his hand.
- Spike hangs out with Joyce.
- She gives him hot cocoa and commiserates with him over his recent dumping by Drusilla. He then asks her if she's got any of those little marshmallows.
- Made funnier because it is preceded by the horrified look on Buffy's face when she hears Spike greeting Joyce over the phone.
- And followed by Spike taunting Angel about how he's not invited, complete with making scary gestures, including a Lugosi pose, at Joyce's neck behind her back.
- She gives him hot cocoa and commiserates with him over his recent dumping by Drusilla. He then asks her if she's got any of those little marshmallows.
- Can we just say that mopey, drunk Spike in general is one of the most hilarious things on the show?
- Angel trolling Spike in the magic shop:Angel: Lotta trouble for someone who doesn't care.
Spike: Shut your gob!
Angel: She really is just kind of fickle.
Spike: SHUT UP! (runs over and punches Angel)
- Spike's realization about he's going about his reaction to Dru's rejection all wrong comes after a fight to get ingredients for a spell he's kidnapped Willow to have her perform, with Buffy and Angel there, trying to rescue her and Xander. They ruled out the factory, his old hangout in the previous season, as being too obvious. When he decides he's going to get Dru's love back the old-fashioned way (tie her up and torture her until she loves him again), he offhandedly says that Buffy's friends "are at the factory." Buffy gets the biggest "You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!" expression on her face and Angel looks up with the biggest "We are DUMB" expression in existence.
- The ending, where everyone—their romantic relationships in tatters—has one of the show's typical angsty emo montages where everyone is really depressed and mopey... concluded with a sudden cut to Spike, reinvigorated and in good humor once again, driving away from Sunnydale, happily singing along with Sid Vicious's cover of "My Way."
- Cordelia's "death scene" somehow is both a CMOF and a Tear Jerker.
The Wish (3x09)
- The Master: "Some claim that death is our art. I say to them - well, I don't say anything to them because I killed them."
- When Buffy first encounters the First Evil, and it is ranting to her about how terrifying and horrible it is:Buffy: All right, I get it, you're evil!
(A bit later, when the First is bragging about her not having any idea what she is dealing with)
Buffy: Could it be...evil?
- So exactly what does Willow do after she makes up with Oz? She pulls out every trick in the book to try and seduce him. It's... overwhelming for him to say the least.
- In a funny foreground event, she has a 2-liter bottle of Sprite chilling in a bucket with ice, like a bottle of champagne.
- Giles's frustration with using Internet chatrooms.Giles: (working on the computer) "Session interrupted?!" Who said you could interrupt, you stupid, useless fad?! No, I said 'fad'. And I'll say it again.
- Giles has been knocked unconscious. Cordy wakes him by hitting him.Cordelia: I came over here to tell Buffy to stop this craziness and found you all unconscious... again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you're gonna wake up in a coma.
Giles: ...Wake up in a--?! Oh, never mind. We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel.
Cordelia: Now let's be clear. The brain damage happened *before* I hit you.
- And a little later:Giles: It's about, uh, lifting a veil. Um, it should, uh, make the demons appear in their true form, which with any luck, will, uh, negate their influence. And, uh, drop a toadstone into the mixture.
Cordelia: (picks up the toadstone) This? It doesn't look like a toad.
Giles: No reason it should. It's from inside the toad.
Cordelia: I hate you.
- Buffy and Willow threatening to turn the Burn the Witch! mob into vermin. And fish.
- In which an old folktale will never be the same again:Buffy: Is Sunnydale any better than when I first came here? Okay, so I battle evil. But I don't really win. The bad keeps coming back and getting stronger. Like that kid in the story, the boy that stuck his finger in the duck.
Angel: It's another word for dam.
Buffy: Oh. Okay, that story makes a lot more sense now.
- For German speakers, Giles' spell to dispel the illusion of Hansel and Gretel is also very funny:Giles: Ich beschwöre die Macht der Hekate, die Masken wegzureißen. Das Böse soll das Gesicht des Bösen tragen!
Giles: Hekate ruft euch an: Verbergt euch nicht hinter falschen Gesichtern! (Translation: "I call upon the power of Hekate to rip off the masks. Evil shall bear the visage of Evil! / Hekate implores you: do not hide behind false faces!")
- Anthony Head's pronunciation is, of course, also completely awful, which makes it all even funnier.
- The demons' true form has been revealed. Everyone runs away. The demon charges at Buffy, still bound to the stake.Buffy: (manages to break the stake and impales the charging demon with it) Did I get it ? Did I get it?
(camera switches position for a hilarious visual. One can see Buffy indeed managed to kill the demon)
- And just a moment later, Xander and Oz, who have been trying to enter the room through the ventilation, fall with a cry of surprise through the ceiling and fall on the ground.Oz: We are here to save you.
- And just a moment later, Xander and Oz, who have been trying to enter the room through the ventilation, fall with a cry of surprise through the ceiling and fall on the ground.
- Angel is casually (trying to, at least) asking Buffy if she has a date on her birthday.Buffy: Actually, I do have a date. Older man. Very handsome. Likes it when I call him 'Daddy'.
Angel: (looking relieved) Huh. Your father.
Angel:... It is your father, right?
- Zachary Kralik baiting Buffy with pretty much the first "selfie" ever of Kralik and her mom. Kralik's ecstatic grin doesn't help at all.
The Zeppo (3x13)
- Right off the bat, the "Previously On" segment for the episode is just Giles being fired near the end of "Helpless". That's it. Just "Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...", "You're fired.", jump into episode proper.
- It essentially parodies the show's established cliches, particularly Buffy and Angel's emo-tastic arguments.
- Xander's reaction to finding kerosene in his car:Xander: Hey! They're not baking any cake!!
- After Xander didn't know Giles' preference for jelly donuts: "I always have a jelly. I'm the one who always says, 'Let's have a jelly in the mix.'"
- Xander apparently did know, as Willow pipes up "We're sorry! ...Buffy had three!"
Bad Girls (3x14)
- The Mayor's line after first becoming invincible.Mayor: I'm feeling chipper, who's up for a root beer?
- The list he checks off after that:
- Pre-badass Wesley's introduction:
- Faith: New Watcher?
Buffy and Giles: New Watcher.
Faith: Screw that. *walks out*
Wesley: You're not helping!
- Immediately followed by Buffy asking, "Now why didn't I just say that?" right in front of Wesley, and Giles trying not to look too amused when he chastises her for it.
- A little later:
Giles: I know... I feel just sick about it.
- Once they have been taken prisoner by the Monster of the Week - Balthazar, a grotesquely obese demon in a large bath who is looking for a powerful amulet. The expected interrogation begins thus:Wesley: (on the verge of panic) Stay calm, Mr. Giles. We have to stay calm.
Giles: (deadpan) Well, thank God you're here, I was planning to panic.
Balthazar: You know what I want.
Giles: (completely deadpan) If it's for me to scrub those hard-to-reach places, I'd like to request you kill me now.
- The Mayor, Mr. Trick, and Allan discuss their favorite newpaper comics.
- Wesley brags about having faced two vampires. Under controlled conditions, no less. The previous episode had the world being saved. By Faith no less. The Dark Slayer. And he thinks his actions are an accomplishment. Giles is right, Wesley is a berk.
- We may as well reiterate the same disclaimer from "Band Candy."
- Willow regarding her parallel dimensional evil twin: "I'm so evil and skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay." Followed immediately by:Buffy: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was.
Angel: Well, actually [Buffy glares] ... That's a good point.
- According to Word of God, they weren't planning on making anyone gay at that point. That's right, it's a joke that's so funny it turned someone gay.
- And her evil twin's reaction to Willow's fluffy clothes: "Well, look at me. I'm all fuzzy." Later, she wakes up in them. "I'm in hell."
- Later in the episode, Willow shoots Vamp!Willow with a dart gun, steals her clothes and locks her in the library cage, where Cordelia finds her. Instead of letting her out however, she discusses the ethics of boyfriend stealing, with Willow's evil twin hanging on the bars with an expression that just screams bored now.Cordelia: What is it? Is there something on my neck?
Vamp!Willow: Not yet.
- "I'm a blood-sucking fiend! Look at my outfit!"
- This:Buffy: It was exactly you, Will. Every detail. Except for you're not being a dominatrix... as far as we know.
Willow: (rolling her eyes) Oh, right. Me and Oz play "Mistress of Pain" every night.
* Giles frowns*
Xander: (eyes glazed) Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Buffy: (eyes glazed) Oh yeah.
- Some fans who put The Wish out of their minds get a meta one."Uh, no."
- Or Angel's big entrance...Angel: (visibly distraught) Buffy... something's happened that... Willow's dead!
(everybody just nods at him matter-of-factly)
Angel: (sees Willow standing over in the corner) Oh, hey Willow. (jumps back) Wait a second-!
(Giles rolls his eyes)
Xander: We're right there with you, buddy.
- Earlier, when everyone thinks that Willow has become a vampire:Giles: She was truly the finest of us all.
Xander: (choked up) Way better than me.
Giles: (matter-of-factly) Much, much better.
- Willow's reaction to The Glomp upon the gang seeing her alive and well leads to this tremendous line:Willow: It's really great that you guys missed me. Say, you didn't all happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?
- Anya tries to order a beer:Anya: God, what a day... Gimme a beer.
Barkeep: (deadpan) ID.
(Anya stares at him in disbelief)
Anya: I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old! Just gimme a frickin' beer!
Anya: (sigh) Gimme a Coke.
- Willow is disguised as Vamp Willow:Buffy: (regarding the corset) You okay in that thing?
Willow: It's a little binding. I guess vampires really don't have to breathe. (looks down at her cleavage) Gosh, look at those.
- Just generally the scene where Willow has to pretend to be Vamp Willow. She tries to run her fingers creepily through someone's hair, as her counterpart did, and they get stuck.
- The scene where Wilkins gives Faith her own apartment. Just before it ends, you can clearly see Eliza Dushku trip.
- Vamp Willow's send-off. First, Willow's heartwarming hug to her vampire counterpart leads to some "friendly" groping ("Hands!"), and then Vamp Willow gets to enjoy being back in her own reality... for all of three seconds before getting staked.Vamp Willow: Oh, f-- (turns to dust)
- After everyone thinks Willow's a vampire, Xander shoves a cross in her face. When it doesn't do anything, he shakes it like a faulty Etch-a-Sketch.
- In response to Buffy asking Giles what's going on (it's all in Nicholas Brendon's delivery):Giles: Well uh, something, something um, very strange is happening.
Xander: [Beat] Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?
- Smug, lazy Jerk Jock Percy expected Willow to not so much tutor him as do all his work for him. That night, he has an unfortunate run-in with Vamp Willow. The next morning? He's a very different Percy.Percy: Hey. Oh. Hi.
Willow: Oh hi. Listen, I didn't get a chance-
Percy: Okay, so I did the outline for the paper for Roosevelt. [hands her a duotang] It turns out there were two President Roosevelts. I didn't know exactly which one to do, so I did both. [hands her another duotang] I know they're kind of... kind of short, but I can flesh them out a bit. Oh, and here's the bibliography. [hands her ANOTHER duotang] Oh, and I can retype that if you want. You just let me know what I did wrong and I'll get on it. [turns to leave, comes back, leaves Willow an apple, and quickly scurries away]
- The Mayor: There is more than one way to skin a cat and I happen to know that this is factually true.
- Just how Affably Evil is the Mayor? Well Faith is moping that she didn't kill Buffy, so the Mayor tries to cheer her up."I have two words that will make all the pain go away. Miniature. Golf." (Faith stares at him for a moment, all "Are you serious?" then cracks up.
- Willow is trying to convince Buffy there's nothing going on between Angel and Faith, but both realise that Faith is drop-dead gorgeous and Really Gets Around.Willow: I mean, please, does Angel come up to Faith's standards for a guy? Let's see, is he breathing?
Buffy: Actually, no.
- Giles thanks the powerful sorcerer who faked removing Angel's soul for his help, with the sorcerer remarking that his debt to Giles had now been repaid. After he leaves, Willow asks what the debt was he'd owed Giles:Giles: I introduced him to his wife.
- Earlier in the episode Xander and Oz are watching the pep rally and sharing snarks.Xander: I think they're much better this year.
Oz: Well their spelling's improved.
- When Buffy reveals she can hear other people's thoughts, hilarity ensues:Oz: [thinks] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me. I cease to exist. [out loud] Huh.
- And Cordelia's thought-to-speech:Cordelia: [thinks] I don't see what this has to do with me. [out loud] I don't see what this has to do with me.
- Xander:Xander: What am I going to do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help. Four times five is thirty. Five times six is thirty-two... Naked girls. Naked women. Naked Buffy. Oh, stop me.
Buffy: God, is that all you think about?
- Buffy knows where Xander's thoughts are going and shoots him a filthy look, then rolls her eyes when they predictably go to girls, then reacts with anger when he thinks of her naked.
Xander: Actually...(bolts) bye.
- And after Xander is busted...Wesley: Xander has just illustrated something. Chances are, you're all going to find yourself thinking whatever you least want Buffy to hear. It's a matter, of course, of mental discipline...
Wesley: Look at Cordelia. No! Don't look at Cordelia! She's a student! Oh, I am bad. A bad, bad man.
- Only to immediately think...
- And an example of why you should never read the mind of your own mother:Buffy: You had sex with Giles! You had sex with Giles? On the hood of a Police Car? TWICE?!
- And the episode's conclusion.Giles: I'm glad to see you've recovered from your psychic encounter more or less intact. Feel up to some training?
Buffy: Sure! We can work out after school. You know, if you're not too busy having sex with my mother.
Giles: (walks headfirst into a tree)
- Which Anthony Stewart Head ad libbed.
- Revealed in "Who Are You" (4x16) that Joyce's exact words were "He's like a stevedore in bed". Buffy doesn't know what a stevedore is.
- And the episode's conclusion.
- When Buffy fears just what aspect of the demon she might get she notices Willow's eyes bug out at one possibility.Was it a boy demon?
The Prom (3x20)
- One of the first things Joyce sees when she visits Angel's house is the shackles attached to the wall. She says nothing, but it's obvious what she's thinking.
- Buffy has a little freak out when her friends are scared to go to the prom because some loser threatens it with hell hounds.Oz: And once again, the Hellmouth puts the "special" in special occasion.
Xander: (angrily slams down a pile of books) Why do I even buy tickets to these things, I ask you?!?
Willow: (worried) I wonder if I can take my dress back.
Buffy: (leaps up) Don't you dare!
Willow: But Tucker's gonna-
Buffy: No. (inspirational music starts to swell) You guys are gonna have a prom. The kind of prom that everyone should have. I'm gonna give you a nice, fun, normal evening... (triumphantly) if I have to kill every single person on the face of the earth to do it.
Willow: We can't just leave you, Buff-
- Later, after finding Tucker, we get this exchange.
Giles: Buffy, they're right. You need-
Buffy: To see tail lights. Hit the door. I've got everything under control.
Oz: Buffy, it makes sense to -
Buffy (deadly): Have. A nice. Time.
Willow: Okay then.
Xander: See ya.
- An annoyed Giles telling a hesistant Wesley to go ahead and dance with Cordelia:Giles: For God's sake, man, she's eighteen! And you, you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone!
- At the prom, Jonathan mentions that a lot of strange things have happened at Sunnydale High. Calls from the audience:Unidentified Student #1: Zombies!
Unidentified Student #2: Hyena people!
Unidentified Student #3: Snyder!
Graduation Day (3x21 and 22)
- A nice scene with the Mayor is an utterly brilliant mix of '60s sitcom humour and standard Buffy villain shock value. There truly will never be a villain like him in television again.Mayor: [reading from an ancient tome, in front of the Scoobies] "The Beast shall walk upon the Earth, and darkness shall follow. The several races of man will be as one in their terror and destruction" aww, that's kind of sweet! All those different races, coming together?
- The Scoobies trying to come up with a way to defeat the Mayor.Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummus.
Cordelia: I stand corrected.
Oz: Just keeping things in perspective.
Cordelia: Thank you.
Angel: Well, he wasn't too crazy about germs.
- And then, later on:
Cordelia: Of course! That's it! We'll attack him with germs.
Buffy: Great! We'll get him cornered and then you can sneeze on him.
Cordelia: No! No. We'll get a container of Ebola virus and . . . and . . . or, it doesn't even have to be real. We can get a box that says Ebola on it and . . . um . . . chase him! (silence) With the box.
Xander: I'm starting to lean towards the Hummus Offensive.
Oz: They'll never see it coming.
- Wesley and Cordelia's attempt at a Big Damn Kiss immediately goes into hilariously awkward territory, and they quickly end it by deciding they're Better as Friends.
- Xander and Giles find a book with a picture of what the Mayor will Ascend into: "We're gonna need a bigger boat." Also, the fact that the image is, essentially, a centerfold.
- Buffy and Willow's reaction when they realise that the Mayor is going to continue with his commencement address right up until he transforms.Buffy: Oh my god, he's really gonna do the entire speech.
Willow: Man, just ascend already.
- The Mayor's last words. Doubly so in that, since he's still in monster snake demon form at the time, it comes out as a deep, distorted voice.Mayor/Olvikan: Well, gosh!
- During the big battle, Wesley goes down with one hit and he's left on the ground asking for help.
- Later, as he's being wheeled away on a gurney:Wesley: Could I have something for the pain? It's actually quite a bit of pain.
- Later, as he's being wheeled away on a gurney:
The Freshman (4x01)
- A random vampire sneaks up on Buffy and Willow, notices all their weapons, and decides to beat a hasty retreat. The pair never even notice him.
- "Uh, are we gonna fight? Or is this gonna be, like, some big monster sarcasm rally?"
- The best part was when you ragged on your clothes. She was like "No! Not the ensemble!"
- Sunday looking through Eddie's CD collection:"Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, (sigh) astonishingly boring. We, we have to kill some cooler people. Will somebody remind me?"
- Pothead Vampire's last words after Willow shoots him.(Looks down at chest) "Duuuuude."
- Giles shows up late for the party with an armful of weapons. Also a CMOH."The evil is this way?"
Living Conditions (4x02)
- Buffy's Death Glare when her roommate Cathy spills ketchup on the sweater she "loaned" and later when Willow takes a bite from Buffy's sandwich. The Slayer's got serious ownership issues.
- Buffy fighting against the monster of the week in her room, the two banging all around the room, bumping into walls and doors, before cutting to outside the room, and this gem from a student down the hall.Do you mind? Some people are TRYING to study.
- The evil plot revealed: Roommate Cathy is a demon from another dimension. Who wanted to go to college.
The Harsh Light of Day (4x03)
- This exchange between Harmony and Spike:
- Anya drops her clothes while Xander's back is turned, he turns around holding a juice box. You can guess where it goes from there.
- Another Anya gem:(to Giles in his own home) I need to talk to Xander. Go away.
- While Spike and Buffy fight, Harmony revealing that Spike got dumped by Drusilla.Buffy: What's the matter, Spike? Dru dump you again?
Spike: Maybe I dumped her.
Harmony: She left him for a fungus demon. That's all he talks about.
Spike: (rolling his eyes upward) HARM!
- And, moments later, Harmony revealing that Spike's looking for the Gem of Amarra, much to his frustration.
- This exchange when Spike forbids Harmony from leaving the lair:Harmony: You said we'd go to France, and now I can't even leave the lair?
Spike: Listen to me, you stupid bint. This gem is everything. I came back to Sunnydale for it, a place which has witnessed some truly spectacular kickings of my ass. Now, when I have the Gem, they all die, don't worry. But until then, stay inside. And by the way, I would be insanely happy if, from this point on, I heard bugger-all about SODDING FRANCE!
Fear Itself (4x04)
- When Buffy visits Giles at his home, he is wearing a huge sombrero, for a hilarious visual.
- Willow is all sunny discussing Halloween, after Parker dumped Buffy."We need to make sure Buffy has fun. Force fun upon her. And if Parker shows up we'll just ax murder him. That's halloweeny !"
- Giles and Anya trying to gain entrance to the magically sealed house:Giles: [Reading through a magical text] We need to... create a door.
Anya: [...] You can do that?
Giles: I can.
He pulls a chainsaw out of his bag and starts cutting.
- They discuss how to end the haunting of the house. Giles reads from his book:Giles: The summoning spell for Gachnar can be shut down in one of two ways. Destroying the Mark of Gachnar ...
Buffy immediately destroys the mark
Giles: [glares annoyed at Buffy, raising his voice] ... is not one of them, and will in fact immediately bring forth the Fear Demon itself !
Cue three-inch high demon.
- The exchange between Xander and Giles that follows the fear demon's appearance:Giles: Don't taunt the fear demon.
Xander: Why? Can he hurt me?
Giles: No. It's just tacky.
- Final scene:Buffy: There's no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate!
Willow: I think I'm gonna barf...
Buffy: Except that.
- Last lines:Buffy: What's the matter?
Giles comes over to show her the book.
Giles: I should have translated the Gaelic inscription under the illustration of Gachnar.
Buffy: What's it say?
Giles: Actual size.
- What really makes this last scene is the ominous music playing through it that every show watcher has heard right before something bad is about to be revealed... that drops off as soon as Giles says his last line.
Beer Bad (4x05)
- Buffy's Daydream Surprise Rescue Romance is kinda sad the first time around, but becomes hilarious the second time when Parker now has his shirt open and he's holding a bouquet of roses in one hand and a pint of ice cream in the other.
- Xander leaves the bar, then makes a brief return to tell Jack, "You're a bad, bad man!", complete with finger-pointing.
- Xander wonders where Giles is. Cut to Giles stuck asking a student if he's seen Buffy.Giles: Blonde. About this tall. She walks with a sort of a sideways limp.
- It's the episode we took our edit password from:Xander: And was there a lesson in all of this? What have we learned about beer?
Xander: Good. Just so that's clear.
The Initiative (4x07)
- Harmony's fight with Xander. First, they square off. Then, Harmony slaps Xander. Then, Xander kicks Harmony in the shins. Then they start pulling each other's hair. Then it goes to slow-mo...
- Lets not forget also the battle music that actually sets in - as if this would be actually a suspenseful fight!
- What's even better about this episode is that it's the only fight in either series in which any of the actors actually were hurt afterwards. Not badly, but they had to wear shin guards and knee pads so they didn't get too bruised.
- The scene with Spike's being unable to attack Willow (which is played as a metaphor for impotence).
- This exchange:Xander: Every man faces this moment. Here. Now. Watching, waiting for an unseen enemy that has no face. Nerve endings screaming in silence. Never knowing which thought might be your last.
Giles: Oh, shut up.
- The scene where Willow is advising Riley on how to initiate conversation with Buffy:Willow: Keep eye contact. Funny is good, but don't be glib. And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel.
(Riley looks back at her, very surprised)
Willow: A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun.
- Buffy's Blatant Lies about why she's having Thanksgiving at Giles' house, and Giles' response.Giles: I see. And this is in no way a scheme to stick me with the clean-up.
- Giles being inducted into the ritual of Thanksgiving dinner.Buffy: (on mashing potatoes) You don't have a ricer? How can you not have a ricer! ... What's a ricer?
Giles: (irritably) We'll mash them with forks, much as the Pilgrims must have!
- Buffy declaring "I like my evil like I like my men—evil!" What makes this line so funny is the sheer amount of self-awareness Buffy exhibits when she says it.
- This exchange after Buffy and Willow argue about Hus:Spike: Oh, someone put a stake in me!
Xander: Got a lot of volunteers in here.
- Followed by this:Spike: I just can't take all this mamby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians!
Willow: The preferred term is—
Spike: You won! Alright? You came in, and you killed them, and you took their land! That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not goin' 'round saying "I came, I conquered, (switches to a mopey voice halfway) I felt really bad about it!" The history of the world is not people making friends. You had better weapons and you massacred them. End of story.
- Followed by this:
- Syphilis-struck Xander, and his many travails, plus Spike's attitude.Spike: No, leave him. He's looking pretty weak and I think I can drink his blood if he's already dead.
- Spike being a lousy Thanksgiving guest:Spike: Hey. When do I get fed?
Buffy: Later. (to Giles) I hope the others are okay.
Spike: Do you know what happens to vampires who don't get to feed?
Giles: I wondered that, actually.
Buffy: Giles, plates.
Spike: Living skeletons, mate. Like famine pictures from those dusty countries. Only not half as funny.
Buffy: You can have gravy. That has blood in it.
Spike: Do you know what else has blood in it? Blood.
Buffy: (annoyed) Do I have to gag you? Because I won't listen to you whine all through my dinner.
- The way everyone keeps assuming Angel is evil again, for absolutely no reason.
- The scene where Willow, Xander, and Anya are rushing to help Buffy and Giles... on stolen bicycles. Complete with heroic music.
- Spike has his chip and immediately turns into comic relief.Spike: A BEAR! YOU MADE A BEAR!
Buffy: I didn't mean to!
Spike: UNDO IT! UNDO IT!!
- Spike grumbling about not getting any food during Thanksgiving dinner in the final scene. His dry, resentful tone is what makes it utterly hysterical.Willow: Two seconds of conflict with an indigenous person and I turn into General Custer.
Giles: Well, violence does that. You know, instinct takes over.
Spike: Yeah... that's the fun.
Xander: Nobody asked you.
Spike: Oh, lay off! You all had a fine meal. And me? An entire siege; think one of you would bleed a little.
- The episode ends with Xander letting slip that Angel was in town helping the gang save the day. What really takes the cake is Spike's expression.
Something Blue (4x09)
- Buffy and Giles interrogating Spike... while he's chained up in Giles' bathtub.Giles: Spike, we have no intention of killing a harmless... creature, but we have to know what's been done to you. We can't let you go until we're sure you're impotent or... sorry. Until we know that you're—
Spike: You are one step away, missy!
Buffy: Giles, help! He's gonna scold me! (beat) You know what? I don't think you want us to let you go. Maybe we made it a little too comfy for ya.
Spike: Comfy? I'm chained in a bathtub drinking pig's blood from a novelty mug. Doesn't rate huge in the Zagat's guide.
Buffy: You want something nicer? (flaunts her neck) Look at my poor neck, all bare and tender and exposed. (Spike, very tempted, tries to lean closer) All that blood just pumping away.
Giles: (makes a "You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!" expression) Oh, please.
Spike: Giles, make her stop!
- Giles is talking on the phone to Willow when Spike, still chained up in the bathtub, demands that Giles turn on the television because Passions is about to come on.Spike: Passions is on! Timmy's down the bloody well! AND IF YOU MAKE ME MISS IT, I'LL—
Giles: (calls toward the bathroom) You'll do what? Lick me to death?!
- Followed by this line:Giles: (to Willow over the phone) Among other things, I'd like to shower sometime today. Alone.
- Followed by this line:
- Willow changing Amy (who turned herself into a mouse in the episode s03e11 Gingerbread) finally back into a human, without noticing it. And almost instantly changing her same way back into a mouse before Amy could say anything.
- Spike tearing at the ground, yelling for the Initiative to open up and fix him, after he ends up crossing paths with Buffy due to Willow's spell makes for a funny sight.
- This exchange as Buffy hauls a bound Spike back into Giles' apartment:Spike: Watch it!
Buffy: One more word out of you, and I swear—
Spike: Swear what? You won't do anything to me. You don't have the stones!
Buffy: I got the stones. I got a whole bunch of... stones!
Spike: Yeah? You're all talk.
Buffy: (calling out to Giles) Giles, I accidentally killed Spike. That's okay, right?
- After Buffy and Spike have been enchanted to marry each other, hilarity ensues:Spike: Look at that lip. Gonna get it. Gonna get it (starts kissing)
Buffy: Oh, stop.
Giles: Yes, please stop.
- Then Xander finds out...Buffy: Spike and I are getting married!
Xander: How? What? How?
Giles: Three excellent questions.
- Shortly after ...Xander: Yeah. Right. You're marrying Spike because you're so right for each other.
Spike: That's it! You're off the usher list.
- Followed almost immediately by Spike and Buffy going full speed with the kissing:Xander: C-can I be blind too?
- Giles stumbling and falling to the floor after everyone (well, except Buffy and Spike...) figures out that Willow is causing all the strangeness in the episode.
- Then the issue of Spike's name ...Buffy: Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you wanna be "William the Bloody" or just "Spike"? 'Cause, either way, it's gonna look majorly weird.
Spike: Whereas the name "Buffy" gives it that touch of classic elegance.
Buffy: What's wrong with "Buffy?"
Giles: (deadpan) Huh. Such a good question.
Buffy: My mother gave me that name!
Spike: Yeah, your mother's a genius.
Buffy: Don't you start on my mother!
** This exchange:Buffy: You want me to give up my career?
Spike: Do I want you to stop killing my friends? Yes!
- What about this line from Giles after Buffy refers to she, Spike, and Giles as a family.Giles: It's alright, I-I have more scotch...
- Somewhat later...Buffy: (referring to a crypt) ...and oh my God! wouldn't this be a great place to take pictures?
Spike: I'm not posing for chuff all (monster arrives)
Buffy: All right, now we're gonna do this without destroying the foliage.
- Then Xander finds out...
- When the love spell breaks, Buffy and Spike are in the middle of a kiss:Spike: Oh! Bloody hell!
Buffy: (jumps back, spitting) Spike lips! Lips... Of Spike!!
- The denouement...Spike: (tied up in a chair) Don't I get a cookie?
Spike: Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth.
Buffy: You're a pig, Spike.
Spike: Yeah, well, I'm not the one who wanted "Wind Beneath My Wings" for the first dance.
(Buffy's friends turn toward her in horror on hearing this)
Buffy: (embarrassed) ...That was the spell!
- And then Willow sticks a cookie into Spike's mouth.
- This exchange:Spike: We're out of Weetabix.
Giles: We are out of Weetabix because you ate it all. Again.
Spike: Get some more.
Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
Spike: Yeah, well, sometimes I like to crumble up the Weetabix in the blood. Gives it a little texture.
Giles: Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself.
- Giles remarking "Thank you for knocking" after Xander and Anya enter without a word to him.
- Giles and Spike pausing and looking at Xander and Anya after Anya gripes that all Xander cares about is having orgasms, followed by this:Xander: Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private in front of my friends?
Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.
Giles: Please don't.
- After Giles asks Xander to take Spike for a few days because he's having a friend over and wants to be alone with said friend:Anya: You mean an orgasm friend?
Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.
- Spike has to stay in Xander's bedroom and is tied to a chair by his bed, he says the following with the funniest girly voice you have ever heard:Spike: Xander, don't you care about me?
Xander: Shut up.
Spike: We never talk.
Xander: Shut up!
Xander: SHUT UP!
- Xander picking up the phone, calling Buffy, and...hanging up. Xander shouting random things to see if he could vocalize a sound, blaming Spike at the top of his lungs, and Spike (still tied to a chair from his arrival the previous day) flipping him the V. Really, the half-an-act starting after Buffy wakes up has enough funny parts to be humorous if you can't read lips, but is truly hilarious if you can.
- Riley and Forrest are in the elevator not able to get the vocal recognition thingy to work, and Riley is trying to remember the manual override password. Behind him, Forrest takes the time to write on his little scrap of paper.Forrest: (held up behind Riley's head) Come on! Come on!
- Walsh pointing out the IN CASE OF EMERGENCY USE STAIRWAY sign to Riley and Forrest after they had just survived the Initiative's poison gas countermeasures.
- What makes it even better is that, judging by the long-suffering look on her face, she's done this several times already with the other soldiers.
- The sheer terror the Gentlemen inspires kills it a bit, but Doug Jones does a hilarious "oh shucks, you shouldn't have" gesture when the others applaud his presenting the hearts they've gotten.
- Giles' overhead presentation, complete with stick figure drawings (using copious amounts of red pen for blood), Anya nonchalantly munching popcorn throughout and, best of all, Buffy's easily-misinterpreted "staking" motion. Then her outraged "my hips aren't that big!" gesture.
- Xander's "boobs?" gesturing and Willow's miming of what would happen once she played a screamo CD.
- Xander attacks Spike when he thinks he's bitten and killed Anya, who wakes up and stands up near the two men as they brawl, and Spike points at Anya to convince Xander otherwise.
- Spike tries to bash Xander with a wrench... only for his chip to go off.
- Spike's ridiculous get-up after he accidentally shrinks his usual clothes in the laundry machine, and the following exchange:Spike: I shrunk them. Bleeding shirt, trousers... I hate this place.
Xander: I'm no happier about you wearing my stuff than you are.
Spike: Go out. Get me some decent stuff. And I want more blood.
Xander: No! You're not a guest.
Spike: You want me to tear this place apart, you poof?
Xander: That's it! I am way past through with you. I hate to break it to you, O impotent one, but you're not the Big Bad any more. You're not even the Kind of Naughty. You're nothing but a waste of space--my space! And as much as I got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny white bum, and as much as I know I can give you a bum-kicking, I'm here to tell you somethin'--you're not even worth it.
- Giles informs the Scoobies that the Monsters Of The Week are planning to bring about the end of the world. Their response:Buffy, Willow, Xander: AGAIN??
- Buffy then gives Giles grief for not taking her misgivings seriously earlier:Buffy: I said "end of the world," and you're like "Pooh, pooh, southern California! Pooh, pooh!"
Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending Apocalypse.
- Buffy then gives Giles grief for not taking her misgivings seriously earlier:
- Can we have a moment of appreciation for Buffy and Riley discussing their similar career choices in public?Riley: I mean, you're a... fry cook, and so am I!
Buffy: Yes, but you're an amateur fry cook, and I come from a long line of fry cooks who don't live past twenty-five!
- Spike tries to commit suicide by falling onto a stake, and his attempt fails, thanks to Willow and Xander entering, startling him and causing him to crash onto the table.
- Xander's response to Spike trying to off himself:Xander: For one thing, that's my shirt you're about to dust. For another, we've shared a lot. You should have trusted me enough to do it for you.
Xander: What? He wants to die, I wanna help.
- Spike trying to scare Willow. It doesn't work.
- Xander's response to Spike trying to off himself:
- Spike's Brief Accent Imitation when Riley asks him "Don't I know you?"
- At the end of the episode:Spike: What's this? Sitting around watching the telly while there's evil still afoot. That's not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, can't go without your Buffy, is that it? Too chicken? Let's find her! She is the Chosen One after all. Come on! Vampires! Grrr! Nasty! Let's annihilate them. For justice... and for... the safety of puppies... and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! (after the screen fades to black) Oh, come on!
A New Man (4x12)
- Spike takes his precious time moving out of Xander's basement, much to Xander's annoyance.Xander: You own nothing. This shouldn't be taking so long.
Spike: Hang on. Let a fella get organized. (takes Xander's radio)
Xander: That's my radio.
Spike: And you're what? Shocked and disappointed? I'm evil.
Anya: So what kind of place are you looking for?
Spike: I don't know. Maybe a crypt. Some place, y'know, dark and dank. But not as dark and dank as this.
- Anya attempts to give Spike Xander's lamp.Anya: Wait. I wanna give you something for your new place. (hands the lamp to Spike)
Xander: That's my lamp.
Anya: A gift is traditional. I've read about it.
Xander: That's among friends. With bitter enemies, we don't give them my lamp.
Spike: It's not gonna have electricity anyway. It's a crypt, remember?
Anya: What about running water? A fridge to keep your blood fresh?
Anya: Oh. Well, that's gotta suck. You should just get a hotel room.
Spike: Demon Girl's got a point. I need fresh blood. If I had a few bob for a room with an honor bar—
Xander: Out! Before I get the Slayer over here to kick your ass out!
- Anya attempts to give Spike Xander's lamp.
- The cut from Xander's taunt to Spike about Buffy meeting with someone who's "actually still scary" to Professor Walsh going "So, the Slayer."
- Buffy's interview with Walsh:Prof. Walsh: Agent Finn here, alone, has killed or captured... how many is it?
Riley: (extremely proud) Seventeen!
Buffy: Oh... Wow. I mean, that's... seventeen.
- Giles going "Oh, Crap!" after finding out that a demon prince is due to rise at sundown that same day.
- Giles pissing and moaning at Xander and Willow for not telling him that Riley is a commando.Giles: Stop, both of you. What are you talking about? What's the Initiative? What on earth does it have to do with Buffy's new boyfriend?
Willow: You know. I'm sure you know. Riley's one of the commandos.
Giles: What?! Well, that's marvelous, isn't it? Here I am, having spent weeks trying to get a single scrap of information about our mysterious demon collectors, and no one bothers to tell me Buffy's dating one of them?! (shines his flashlight into Xander and Willow's faces) Who else knows?
Xander: No one. No one else knows this. (beat) Anya, and that's it.
Willow: (reluctantly) And Spike.
Giles: Spike?! Spike knew?!
Xander: Only the basic stuff. You know, that Riley is a commando and Professor Walsh is in charge—
Giles: Professor Walsh?! That fishwife?
- Giles sends Xander and Willow on their way, and decides to stay behind. Xander and Willow offer to stay, but Giles tells them to go, so they hustle out.
- Giles then waits a moment or two before giving up:Giles: Oh, who am I kidding? Nothing is going to happen. (leaves and closes the door)
Ethan: (coming out of the shadows) I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that at all. In fact, Ripper, old mate, I'd say something rather interesting was about to hap—
Giles: (comes back in) Is someone-?
Ethan: Oh, bugger! I thought you'd gone!
- Ethan and Giles getting royally sloshed:Ethan: Who's Maggie Walsh?
Giles: Oh, she's awful. Sshe said I was a... absent male role model. Absent my arse. I'm twice the man she is.
Giles: What am I? 'M an unemployed librarian with a tendency to get knocked on the head.
- Demon!Giles accidentally tearing off a banister in his apartment.Demon!Giles: Damn!
- He then tries pulling on the shirt he wore the day before, only to end up tearing it.Demon!Giles: Oh! And I liked that shirt!
- He then tries pulling on the shirt he wore the day before, only to end up tearing it.
- Demon!Giles enters Xander's basement to find him still asleep.Demon!Giles: Still asleep? It's 10:30 in the morning!
- He then walks over to the bed and gets Xander to wake up. Xander finally wakes up, sees Demon!Giles (who, to Xander, is speaking in the Fyarl language), and freaks out, jumping up and throwing pans at Demon!Giles, causing him to flee.Xander: That's right! Run for your life!
- He then walks over to the bed and gets Xander to wake up. Xander finally wakes up, sees Demon!Giles (who, to Xander, is speaking in the Fyarl language), and freaks out, jumping up and throwing pans at Demon!Giles, causing him to flee.
- Demon!Giles running across someone's front yard, where children are playing. He ends up stepping on a kid's toy and cries "I'm sorry!" before continuing to flee, yelling "BLOODY HUMANS!"
- Spike telling Demon!Giles about the Fyarl Demon's super-mucus:Demon!Giles: Listen, about this Fyarl Demon. Do I have special powers? Like setting things on fire with my sizzling eye beams?
Spike: Well, you got the mucus thing.
Demon!Giles: What? Mucus?
Spike: Paralyzing mucus. Shoots out through the nose. Sets up fast, hard as rock. Pretty good in a fight.
Demon!Giles: Are you making this up?
Spike: Maybe. But, hey, if you feel a sneeze comin' on, you warn me.
- Demon!Giles chasing Walsh down the street. Petty yet satisfying.
- Also Spike laughing at Demon!Giles after he gets back in the car and says "Right, let's go, then."
- Spike driving Giles' car as a distraction for Initiative soldiers, and crashing it just as he's yelling "You just try and stop me, you stupid jarhe—!"
- Giles's :D face as Ethan is arrested."Erm... if you don't mind, I'm just gonna go and watch them... manhandle him into a vehicle." (Exit stage left)
The I in Team (4x13)
- Spike has a tracer planted into his shoulder by the Initiative. Giles calls Willow in to use a spell to disrupt its beacon. The spell that Willow chooses has the effect of ionizing the air around them. After the spell is finished, all the lights in the house burst, and when the camera pulls back to the Scoobies... Their hair looks like they all got struck by lightning. Or, to put it another way, like they raided Angel's hair-styling gel stash and used it. All. At once.
Willow: Did it work? Is the atmosphere ionized?
- Willow's hair is truly spectacular. Its defiance of gravity rivals any Final Fantasy character.
Giles: ...I'd venture "yes."
Goodbye Iowa (4x14)
- This exchange between Buffy and Xander:Buffy: OK, everybody grab a weapon. We've gotta move.
Xander: And storm the Initiative? Yeah, let's take on those suckers.
Buffy: I was thinking more that we'd hide.
Xander: Thank God.
- Giles is resistant to the idea of hiding in Xander's basement.Giles: I will not squat in that dank hole.
Spike: What? It was good enough for me, but you're above it all?
- When Riley identifies him as Hostile 17, Spike starts to fake an American Accent, only to drop it and admit the truth.
Buffy: This is Spike. He's... It's a really long story. But he's not bad any more.
- Followed by this:
Spike: What am I, a bleedin' broken record? I'm bad! It's just... I can't bite any more, thanks to you wankers.
- Spike's "supportive thumbs up" dopey grin before leaving.Spike: Leaving you swabs to your dramatics, thanks. I've got my stories on the telly for that. By the by, if you're trying to kill her... (thumbs up)
- Giles is very cranky in the morning.Giles: Must we have the noise? (turns off the television) My head is splitting.
Willow: Look who's Cranky Bear in the morning.
Giles: Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball.
Anya: Every time you moved, it made squeaky noises. It was irritating.
Giles: Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring.
Buffy: OK, you guys, could we not, please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parents' marriage.
- Buffy delivers what could have been one of her more badass speeches.Buffy: You guys research the Polgara demon. I want to know where it is. When I find it, I'm going to make it pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine.
(Everybody stares at her)
Buffy: ...that probably would've sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.
This Year's Girl (4x15) / Who Are You (4x16)
- Riley's In-Universe Continuity Lockout: After the rest of the Scoobies have a lengthy, intensive discussion about Faith waking up and what she could be doing, he sheepishly asks "Who's Faith?"
- Xander and Giles ask Spike for help finding Faith.Xander: For your information, smarty, we've got a rogue Slayer on our hands. Real psycho-killer too.
Spike: Sounds serious.
Giles: It is. What do you know?
Spike: What do you need?
Xander: Her. Dark hair. Yay tall, name of Faith, criminally insane.
Giles: Have you seen her?
Spike: Is this bird after you?
Xander: In a bad way, yeah.
Spike: Tell you what I'll do then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where you are and then watch as she kills you. (sees their looks of surprise and irritation) Can't any one of your damn little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening would be dull.
Xander: Go ahead. You wouldn't even recognize her.
Spike: Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith, criminally insane. Like this girl already.
Xander and Giles watch him leave.
Xander: We're dumb.
- Faith, as Buffy, out-guesses Spike.Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
Faith!Buffy: 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight ass with no sense of fun?
Spike: Well... yeah, that covers a lot of it.
- Buffy!Faith trying to convince Giles of her true identity, with Eliza Dushku doing a dead perfect Sarah Michelle Gellar impression.Buffy!Faith: Giles, I swear. It's me.
Giles: If you are Buffy, you'll let me tie you up, without killing me, until we find out whether you're telling the truth.
Buffy!Faith: Giles, Faith has taken my body and, for all I know, she's taken it to Mexico by now. I don't have time for bondage fun. Ask me a question. Ask me anything.
Giles: Who's President?
Buffy!Faith: We're checking for Buffy, not a concussion.
Buffy!Faith: And you have a girlfriend named Olivia. And you haven't had a job since we blew up the school, which is valid, lifestyle-wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker type, but... When I had psychic power, I heard Mom think you were like a stevedore during sex. Do you want me to continue?
- Including this:
Giles: (horrified expression with deadpan delivery) Actually, I beg you to stop.
Buffy!Faith: What's a stevedore?
- Giles, Willow, and Tara distracting the police while Buffy!Faith sneaks off to enter the church.Giles: Damn it, man! We have to get inside! Our-Our families are in there. Our mothers, and tiny, tiny babies!
- Faith!Buffy comes to a church to save people held hostage by vampires and runs into Riley.Faith!Buffy: How'd you get here so fast?
Riley: I didn't; I'm just late for church.
- Xander: So we're saying he did a spell just to make us think he was cool?
Xander: That is so cool!
- Riley's insistence that he is too tall, along with Xander's fear of a world without Jonathan to protect everyone.
- This:Buffy: Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?
(Buffy finds one on his dining room table under a stack of papers)
Giles: It was a present!
- Anya trying to explain the concept of alternate universes.Anya: Say you really like shrimp a lot. Or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. 'Blah, I wish there weren't any shrimp' you would say to yourself...
Buffy: Stop, you're saying it wrong! (to the others) I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world and we're all, like, his pawns.
Anya: (under her breath) Or prawns.
Buffy: Stop with the shrimp!
- This gem:Willow: They work, Riley. But they take concentration, being attuned with the forces of the universe.
Xander: Right. You can't just go "librum incendere" and expect-
(The book Xander is reading bursts in flames and he closes it, stopping the fire)Giles: (wearily) Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.
Where the Wild Things Are (4x18)
- Buffy and Riley fight a vampire and a demon (with horns).Buffy: Okay, you get fang, I get horny. (Beat) I mean...
- After Buffy and Riley head off for some... one-on-one time, Willow starts to comment on what they're doing, only for Giles to deliver this nugget:Giles: Yes, thank you, Willow. I did attend a university in the Mesozoic Era. I do remember what it's like.
- Spike trying to rob Anya... by jumping out and scaring her with his vamp face. It doesn't work.Anya: Oh. It's you. Spike! What are you doing? You made me yell really high.
Spike: Hey. Yeah, I did. I scared you. (beat) Give me money.
Anya: I'm not paying you for scaring me.
Spike: You're not paying me; I'm robbing you.
Anya: Oh, that's just ludicrous. You can't hurt me; you got a chip in your brain. And I like my money when it's mine.
- After everyone is forced to leave Lowell House by the poltergeists, Spike trolls Xander in the most hilarious way possible:Xander: We're fresh out of super-people and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now who's with me?
Spike: (stepping up and speaking in a serious tone) I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics, and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once, and I don't fancy a single one of you at all, but... actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. (walks away) I wonder if Asian House is open.
- Xander tries to re-enter the house by himself... only to promptly get thrown back out by the supernatural force.
- When Willow, Anya, Tara, and Xander go to find Giles and see him singing and playing guitar in a cafe. Cue stunned looks from the girls, in particular Willow whose mouth falls open, and this line from Xander:Xander: Could we go back to the haunted house, because this is creeping me out.
- Made all the more funnier when the girls all agree that voice is sexy (it is) and Xander nearly starts a Heroic BSoD.Xander: I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fuel on the fire, please?
- All of Xander's dialogue in this scene is just utterly hysterical.Tara: Does he... do this a lot?
Xander: Sure. Every day the Earth rotates backwards and the skies turn orange.
- They went looking for him after Giles told them he needed some alone time. He spots them mid-song and nearly falters.
- Willow moaning at how good he is, before remembering why she had such a crush on him. Subtext? Where?
- Made all the more funnier when the girls all agree that voice is sexy (it is) and Xander nearly starts a Heroic BSoD.
- Xander's response after Miss Holt tells him, Giles, and Anya that she can smell the sin on them.Xander: Yeah? You smell sin? Let me tell you somethin', lady. She who smelt it dealt it!
(Giles looks at Xander)
Xander: It's like what you said, but faster.
New Moon Rising (4x19)
- It's brief, but when Oz says that Tara "smells like" Willow, you can see a "WTF?" look form on her face that's hysterical.
The Yoko Factor (4x20)
- Giles yelping like a woman after he spots Spike standing in his living room while he sings and plays his guitar, followed by this remark from Spike:Spike: For someone who's got "Watcher" on his resume, you might wanna cast an eye to the front door every now and again.
- Angel's uncharacteristically snarky comment to Buffy about Riley:Angel: You actually sleep with this guy?
- Uncharacteristic on Buffy; very common in Angel.
- There's also Angel's parting words; he turns to Buffy, saying "About Riley..." It's set up as a "take care of her" moment, but gets mercifully subverted when he says "...I don't like him."
- What improves this is that they clearly did not get along; had the trope not been subverted, it would have been bad writing.
- Riley finding out that Angel, after he annihilated a military strike team, beat him up, and generally acted hostile and insulting, has not been turned evil.Riley: You mean this is a good day for him?
Buffy: Does anyone think I'm joking?
- Dis, when Buffy reacts to Angel's and Riley's Testosterone Poisoning by threatening to hospitalize both.
Angel: He star...(cue a Death Glare so furious Buffy looks like a comical stern mother, shutting him up)
- Giles drunkenly telling Buffy "[Adam]'s gonna kick your ass!" and bursting into giggles after Xander remarks he'll be doing sit-ups at Fort Dix.
- Giles' off-screen "Bloody Hell!" after Willow finally came out as well as this reference to The Wizard of Oz:Spike: You haven't been much of a whiz lately.
Willow: I am a whiz!
Tara: She is a whiz!
Willow: If ever a whiz there was.
- Buffy, Xander, Willow, and Giles break into the Initiative through the elevator shaft... only to be confronted by Initiative soldiers.
- While interrogating the Scoobies, the colonel goes through their bag and finds a gourd.Colonel: You think you and your friends can waltz into a government installation brandishing weapons like-like...
Willow: It's a gourd.
Giles: It's a magic gourd.
Colonel: What kind of freaks are you people?
- This exchange:Colonel: Every inch of this installation is under constant twenty-four hour surveillance.
Willow: Including the secret lab?
Colonel: Including everything! (beat; to Buffy) What secret lab?
- This exchange:
- Xander's dream sequence where he's Benjamin L. Willard and Snyder is Colonel Kurtz. Made it into the series because Armin Shimmerman does a fantastic Marlon Brando impression.Principal Snyder: I walked by your guidance counselor's office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there, waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers, like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation's future is a bunch of mulch.
Xander: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.
- The single most hilarious part of this episode has to be Giles SINGING his traditional expository monologue about the Monster of the Week. It literally must be seen to be believed.
- "Spike is like a son to me!"
- "Go on, put your back into it! A Watcher scoffs at gravity!"
- The Cheese Man.Buffy: Well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. (Giles, Xander, and Willow look up in surprise) I don't know *where* the hell that came from. (All share confused glances at each other as Buffy leaves.)
- Willow's dream interpretation of Death of a Salesman. It involves a cowboy.Cowboy!Riley: I'm looking for a man. A salesman.
Flapper!Buffy: But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no-account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums, yes, I mean you and your friends, your whole sex, throw 'em in the sea for all I care, throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles, men with your groping and spitting all groin no brain three billion of you passing around the same worn-out urge. Men! With your... sales!
- For an episode as Mind Screw-y as this was, Buffy got a good one in on the First Slayer at the end, after she completely subverts the whole "Your Mind Makes It Real" gig.Buffy: (to the very wild-haired First Slayer) Also, in terms of hair-care, you want to be asking yourself "What kind of impression am I making in the workplace?"
- Giles, as the director of Willow's nightmare Death of a Salesman production, explaining to the cast (which includes all the regulars) that they have to be good because "everyone that Willow's ever met is out in that audience, including all of us." If the speech itself wasn't enough, then Harmony repeatedly jumping up to try to bite Giles's neck (he's a head taller than her at least) and Giles's nonchalant reaction ("Stop that, it's very annoying") seals the deal.
- Riley and Human!Adam discussing their plans for world domination ("the key element is coffee makers that think") and their reaction to an Initiative security breech ("This could be serious." "We should build a fort." "I'll get some pillows.")
- The Initiative alarm in that scene: "The demons have escaped. Please run for your lives."
- Riley's declaration that "I showed up early, so I got to be cowboy guy."... Always thought of that as the explanation of how Marc Blucas got on the show in the first place.
- In Giles' nightmare, he finds Spike posing for photos in his crypt. For extra funnies, Spike's portions of the scene are filmed in black and white.
Buffy vs. Dracula (5x01)
- Buffy's response to Dracula after he introduces himself to her is to look at him for a long moment, then break into a wide grin and exclaim "Get out!"
- This exchange after Xander and Willow catch up to Buffy and Dracula in the cemetery:Xander: (after seeing Dracula) Look who's got a bad case of Dark Prince envy.
Dracula: I have no interest in you. Leave us.
Xander: No, we're not going to (imitates Dracula's accent) "leave you." And where'd you get that accent, Sesame Street? (imitating the Count) "Von, two, three—three victims! Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
(Dracula glares at Xander)
Buffy: Xander, I'm pretty sure that's Dracula.
Xander: (jumps and quickly gets behind Buffy) Wow, really? (to Dracula) Sorry, man. I was just jokin' around.
- Xander being dismissed by Dracula as "strange and off-putting" after Dracula hypnotizes him.
- Spike hating Dracula because "that poncy bugger" owes him eleven pounds.
- Xander is trying not to let everyone else know that he's been brainwashed by Dracula:Xander: Like any real meof that's enough to fight the Dark Master!
(Everybody looks at him funny)
- It gets even funnier not long after:Xander: I think you're drawing a lot of crazy conclusions about the Unholy Prince.
(Everybody looks at him funny again)
- It gets even funnier not long after:
- Joyce talking to Willow and Tara after it turns out she invited Dracula into the Summers' home:Joyce: He seemed so nice and normal... a little pale. [...] I'm not like this. I don't invite strange men over for coffee. It's just... oh, when you girls are older, you'll understand. It's hard to date. Sometimes you just feel like giving up on men all together.
(Willow and Tara look at each other all, Well she's got a point)
- Xander catches Riley in Dracula's castle and basically tells him "you shall not pass." Riley's response? Deck Xander right in the face.Riley: Okey-dokey. (continues on)
- Riley's Unwanted Rescue of Giles.Giles: Oh, my shoe. Silly me, I'll just pop...
Riley: No, NO, NO, sir! No more chick pit for you.
- Xander ranting after Dracula is defeated, all the while Buffy, Giles, and Riley stand and listen:Xander: Where's the creep that turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch?!
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Damn it! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis! As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt monkey!
Buffy: Check. No more butt monkey.
- Followed by this:Riley: At least you weren't makin' time with the Dracu-babes, like Giles here.
Giles: I was not making time. (covering his half-bare chest with his arms) I was about to kill those loathsome creatures when Riley interrupted me.
Riley: Really? You were gonna nuzzle 'em to death?
Giles: Of course not! (everyone else leaves) I was in complete control!
- Followed by this:
- Buffy taking out Dracula again after he rises from her staking.
- He tries to come back again, right in front of her and she says "I'm standing right here!" After which he quickly dissipates again.
Real Me (5x02)
- Giles has difficulty with his new car.Giles: Blast!
Buffy: You put it in neutral again, huh?
Giles: I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing. No, it's not working out.
Buffy: Are you breaking up with your car?
Giles: Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty.
Buffy: Little two-door tramp.
- Followed by this:Giles: I was so at a loose end that I found myself searching for some way of feeling more...
Giles: Perhaps, as I am to be your Watcher again, a modicum of respect might be in order.
Buffy: Do I have to?
Giles: I'm serious, Buffy. There's going to be far less time for the sort of flighty, frivolous—
Dawn: Hey, there's Willow and Tara!
Giles: (grinning) Ooh, they haven't seen my new car.
- Followed by this:
- This excellent bit of innuendo:Dawn: (narrating) She [Tara] and Willow are both witches. They do spells and stuff which is so much cooler than slaying. I told Mom one time I wish they'd teach me some of the things they do together... and she got really quiet and made me go upstairs.
- This:Willow: I've cross-checked the inventory list and things are definitely missing, mostly books. Including A Treatise on the Mythology and Methodology of the Vampire Slayer.
Buffy: Oh, shoot! Was that the only copy?
- Giles then cautions Buffy about whoever stole the book might be searching for weaknesses of the Slayer...only to then marvel over how high the store's profit margins are, among other things.
- Xander's adventures in babysitting:Joyce: (to Dawn) Be good.
Xander: Oh, we will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from... some guy, I don't know his name. (winks at Dawn)
- Anya discovering that it's great to have more money than the other players in a board game and excitedly asking if she can trade in her player's kids for more cash.
- Harmony's calling-out note to Buffy, which has a smiley-face "O."
- The cut from Harmony calling Buffy out to fight to her questioning Xander at the doorway of the Summers home.Harmony: What do you mean, she's not in there? She has to be. I'm calling her out!
Xander: Then I bet she'll be real sorry she missed your call. You and your buddies'll have to be killed by Buffy later.
- Followed by Xander bursting into laughter after Harmony informs him that her "buddies" are her "minions," and Harmony demanding he stop laughing.
- Also, Xander assuring Dawn he's handling Harmony after she (Dawn) tells Harmony to "Shut up"...then turning back to Harmony and saying "Shut up, Harmony!" Followed by this:Harmony: Make me.
Xander: I don't feel like another hair-pulling contest with you.
Harmony: You're the hair-puller, you big girl!
- Xander kicking an attacking Harmony out the doorway and right into her minions.
- Three Words: "Harmony has minions?" Buffy completely loses it with laughter, making this an In-Universe CMOF.
- The fact that it's a cut from Xander saying "Buffy is not going to be happy about this" to her laughing makes it funnier.
- Even Riley has a hard time not laughing.
- One of Harmony's minions expresses a desire for fighting. Cue Spike tapping his shoulder and slugging him.Spike: Happy to oblige. I thought it was gonna be a slow night. (to the rest of the minions) Step on up, kiddies. Thrashings for all.
- Spike and Harmony's entire conversation, but particularly the part where Harmony tells Spike she has a gang now and is planning to kill Buffy:Harmony: I've got my own gang now.
Spike: Is that what those circus freaks are?
Harmony: Uh-huh. I mean, shut up! We're gonna kill the Slayer.
Spike: Singing my song now, are you? You should pay me royalties for that one, or at least get your own tune.
Harmony: I'm not gonna make the mistakes you did. I've been doing my homework, reading books.
Spike: What, Evil for Dummies? Look at you, all puffed-up and mighty, thinking you're the new Big Bad. It's... well, let's face it; it's adorable.
- And the part where Harmony steals Spike's guess of her Evil Plan against Buffy for herself.Harmony: I've got a plan.
Spike: Let me guess—snatch one of her friends, use 'em as bait, lead her into a trap. That sort of thing?
Harmony: No. Much, much better one.
(Spike raises his eyebrows questioningly)
Harmony: I'm not gonna tell you!
Spike: Thought as much. (walking off) Best of luck. Let me know how this arch-villain thing works out for you.
Harmony: I'll do that. And after Buffy is gone, I'm gonna kill everybody in this town that was ever mean to me. Spike! (turns to her minions) Guys! New plan.
- And the part where Harmony steals Spike's guess of her Evil Plan against Buffy for herself.
- Xander still has trouble not calling Dracula "Master."
- This line from Giles after he takes over the magic shop:Giles: I've was a librarian for years. This is no different except now people pay for the things they never return.
- This must have been a strange evening.Buffy: Wow, you've really thought this through. How bored were you last year?
Giles: ...I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.
The Replacement (5x03)
- While searching for Toth in a junkyard, the Scoobies come across Spike and ask him what he's doing there, leading to this reply:Spike: There's a nice lady vampire who set up a charming tearoom over the next pile of crap. What do you think I'm doing? I'm scavenging.
- Our heroes then ask him if he's seen Toth:Giles: Spike, we're looking for a demon. Tall, robed, skin sort of hanging off, deep voice.
Spike: You mean a great, tall, robey thing like that one? (points at Toth standing a few feet behind the Scoobies)
- During the ensuing fight, Spike encourages Toth to "Kick [Buffy's] ass"...only for Toth use his staff weapon to destroy an object he had been admiring moments earlier, leading to this priceless response from Spike:Spike: Oh, very nice! I was on your side! (tosses the destroyed object to the ground)
- Our heroes then ask him if he's seen Toth:
- One of the Xanders tries to prove himself to Willow by doing the Snoopy dance.
- After Anya suggests she should have sex with both Xanders, Giles, who's down on the floor drawing a mystical symbol needed to reintegrate the two Xanders, makes a face that screams "You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!"Giles: (standing back up) We just need to arrange the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
- Giles remarking that Xander is a bad influence on himself after both Xanders say "Kill us both, Spock!" and Willow says they're kind of the same now.
Out of My Mind (5x04)
- This lovely exchange after the opening fight scene:Buffy: Spike, I just saw you taste your own nose blood. You know what? I'm too grossed out to hear anything you have to say. Go home. (walks off with Riley)
Spike: (defensively) It's blood! It's what I do!
- Spike makes a short but badass speech about killing Buffy, then turns and strolls off... only to fall into an open grave.Spike: Ow!
- Spike sitting in his crypt watching Dawson's Creek.Spike: Oh, Pacey, you blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you?
- Spike and Harmony's exchange after she enters the crypt.Harmony: Didn't you hear? I'm totally [Buffy's] arch-nemesis!
Spike: Is that right? I must've missed the memo.
Harmony: There was a mem— Spike, oh my God! This is, like, a real emergency!
- Spike and Harmony playing 20 Questions:Spike: Okay, is it bigger than a breadbox?
Harmony: No. Four left.
Spike: So it's smaller than a breadbox.
Harmony: No! Only three!
Spike: (irritable) Harmony, is it a sodding breadbox?
Harmony: Yes! Oh, my God! Someone's Blondie Bear's a 20-Question genius!
- After Buffy barges into Spike's crypt:Buffy: I've got a proposition for you.
Spike: Funny. I've got a proposition for you: What about knocking?
- Spike then gets distracted by the dollar bills Buffy starts counting.
- Then, he demands he get half of the money now. Buffy's response? Tear the dollar bills in half, and give one half to Spike.
- Harmony emerges from hiding and asks "So, what'd she say about me?"
- There's something hilarious about Spike finding a penny, glaring at the doctor in full vamp face, and simply stating what's he holding before fleeing with Harmony.
- Spike's rant after he and Harmony flee from Buffy.Spike: Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Everywhere I turn, she's there! That nasty little face! That bouncing shampoo-commercial hair! That whole sodding holier-than-thou attitude! She follows me, tracks me down! I'm her pet project! Drive Spike round the bend! Makes every day a fresh bout of torture!
No Place Like Home (5x05)
- Giles, when Buffy sees him in the Magic Box, is dressed in a full wizard outfit. Buffy stares at him; Giles stares back. She still stares at him; he still stares back. Buffy still stares at him, and Giles finally takes the hint and slowly, reluctantly, removes the hat.
- Willow, upon seeing him, immediately pouts that he isn't wearing the hat and robe.
- When Buffy mentions that the security guard who went insane found the Dagon Sphere, Giles, Willow, and Anya back away from the sphere.
- When Buffy is meditating in her room.Dawn: What are you doing?
Buffy: My boyfriend. Go away.
- Spike acting like a shy schoolboy talking to his crush after Buffy catches him outside her house.
- Followed by this:
- And then there's this:Spike: Contrary to one's self-involved worldview, your house happens to be directly between parts and... other parts of this town. I would pass by in the day, but I'm outgrowing my whole "burst into flame" phase.
Buffy: Fine. Keep going. I cut you a break.
Spike: Yeah, okay. Let me guess, you won't kill me? The whole crowd-pleasing threats and swagger routine. How original. I'm just passing through. Satisfied? I really hope so, 'cause God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard. And I never really liked you anyway. And you have stupid hair. (walks off)
- When Buffy starts freeing the monk from his bonds, Glory tries sneaking up behind her... only for Buffy to stand up, grab her, and say she's not stupid. Glory then tosses Buffy across the room.Glory: Sure about that last part?
- Giles, Xander, and Willow are tired after selling goods to customers. Anya? Not so much.Anya: You're out of crystal balls. They're popular with the amateurs. Better re-stock and raise the price ten percent. Make it fifteen.
Anya: Cash register looks like a squirrel's nest.
Anya: The Hand of Glory packs serious power. Better institute a check for—
Giles: Anya! (beat) Would you like a job?
Giles: Good. Then we can talk shop tomorrow.
Anya: Okay. Boss.
- "Hey! Hands off my holy man!" Said by Glory after Buffy grabs the monk and makes an escape.
- Glory starts to pursue them... only for her heel to break. Cue Glory throwing a childish tantrum that ends up bringing down the factory.
- Giles being "patriarchal," complete with "pointing and scowling" at Xander and Riley wrestling with each other.
- The way the show went all Does This Remind You of Anything? regarding Willow and Tara's Wiccan Magic got kind of silly after a while. But when the characters themselves started doing it? Hilarious!(Talking about Tara's birthday)
Buffy: Thinking there will be a lot of Wiccans there? Heavy Wiccan crowd?
Xander: That's sort of her deal. Her and Willow are all Wiccie. Swinging with the Wiccan lifestyle.
Buffy: Which is cool!
Xander: Oh yeah.
Buffy: I just hope we fit in, not awkward.
Xander: With Willow, it is like she got this... whole new thing in her life. But she is still Willow, so I can always figure her out. But Tara, all I know is that she likes Willow. She already has one of those.
- The whole gang defends Tara when her father arrives to take her away.Xander: You're dealing with all of us.
Spike: Except me.
Xander: Except Spike.
Spike: Yeah, I don't care what happens.
- Dawn running around the Bronze like some hyperactive kid that Buffy has to collar, then complaining about the stamp she has to wear, leads to her being told it's so she won't be drinking alcohol."Oh please, only losers drink alcohol." Dawn starts bouncing around to the music oblivious to everyone else looking guilty.
Fool for Love (5x07)
- Many of the Smash Cuts in the show are funny, but the one that sticks out is the one in this episode, when Spike described himself as "always been bad" before we see the nerdy William trying to write a poem for his beloved Cecily.
- Drusilla's odd reaction to Angel and Spike's quarrel.
- Riley catches Spike in Buffy's bedroom sniffing her clothes.Riley: Were you just smelling her sweater?
Spike: No. (beat) Well, yeah, all right. I did. It's a predator thing. Nothin' wrong with it. Know your enemy's scent, whet the appetite for a hunt. (takes another sniff) That's the stuff. Slayer musk—it's bitter and aggravating. (growls)
- Spike swiping a pair of Buffy's underwear as Riley hauls him out of the room.
- Spike's reaction after Riley grabs him and holds him out in the sun:Spike: Bloody— Pull me back in, you sod! I'm startin' to sizzle!
Listening to Fear (5x09)
- This exchange while most of the Scoobies are researching the Queller:Xander: Look at how teeny Mercury is compared to, like, Saturn. Whereas, in contrast, the cars of the same name—
Giles: Xander, please, we have work to do here.
Xander: I still don't get why we had to come here to get info about a killer snot monster.
Giles: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space. (beat) I did not say that.
- Spike trying to downplay being in Buffy's house in the middle of the night.Buffy: Spike?
Spike: Uh, yeah. Listen, uh, did you hear a noise?
Buffy: What the hell are you doing in my house?
Spike: Right then, you caught me. Your basement's full of junk, and me being in need of, uh, junk—
Buffy: You were stealing?
Spike: Well, yeah, can't exactly work the counter at Burger Barn. (slips something into his pocket)
Buffy: Wait, are those pictures of me?
- Spike screaming in fear after the Queller jumps on him.
Into the Woods (5x10)
- The large banner celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, & Gurnenthar's Ascendance in the Magic Box.
- Don't forget the Winter Solstice.
- Giles cracking up laughing after Willow talks about painting the toenails of the chicken feet.
- It's especially funny because it seems unscripted. It looks like Anthony Head is trying to keep it together while Alyson Hannigan says her line, and then he just loses it.
- This line from Anya:Anya: That's so very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon! I can just hear you in private: "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal."
- It's better in context; she's talking to a chicken foot as she imagines them making fun of her.
- Xander and Anya are wondering how Buffy is dealing with Riley leaving. Cut to a convent.
- Anya insisting she can take care of things while Giles is out of town.Giles: Yes, well, Anya, while I completely trust you to take care of the inventory and the money, dealing with people requires a certain finesse.
Anya: I have finesse! I have it coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can distract him with coy smiles and bribe him with money and goods.
Xander: See there? She'll be great.
- This exchange:Buffy: I killed something in a convent last night.
Xander: In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction. Tell us all about the killing, Buff.
Buffy: Pretty standard. Vampire staking. But I met a nun, and she let me try on her wimple.
Xander: Okay, now we're back to frightening.
- Spike rehearsing speaking to Buffy in his crypt, using the Buffy mannequin.Spike: There's somethin' I got to tell you about showing you Riley in that place. I didn't mean to— Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed. By him, not me. I was trying to help, you know. Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help you. Best intentions. I mean, pretty state you'd be in, thinkin' things were all right while he's toddlin' halfway 'round the bend. Oh, I'll insult him if I want to! I'm the one who's on your side. Me. Doin' you a favor, and you bein' dead petty about it! Me, gettin' nothin' but your hatred and your venom and— YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH! (starts hitting the mannequin with the box of chocolates) UNGRATEFUL BITCH! (stops, calms down, sets the mannequin back up, smooths out the chocolates, and starts again) Buffy, there's somethin' I wanted to tell you...
- Buffy breaking down in Tara's arms and ranting about how Xander and Anya "have a miraculous love."
- Willow's annoyance with Anya not knowing how to drive while they're out pursuing Olaf.
- When Olaf shows up:Xander: I'm gonna run get Buffy. Or maybe you could fight him.
Spike: I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.
- This exchange after Olaf asks Spike where there are babies to eat:Spike: (to Xander, in total seriousness) What do you think? The hospital?
Xander: What? Shut up!
- "They've got this onion thing..."
- This exchange after Olaf asks Spike where there are babies to eat:
- Buffy entering immediately after Xander wishes she were there.
- Willow then wishes for a million dollars. ("Just checking.")
- Spike once again asking like a shy, enamored schoolboy towards Buffy.
- Willow starts to recite the reversal spell, only for Olaf to tell her to stop.Willow: Nobody lets me finish!
- Buffy catches Spike tending to an injured woman after Olaf leaves.Buffy: What are you doing?
Spike: Makin' this woman more comfortable. I'm not samplin', I'll have you know. Just look at all the lovely blood-covered people. I could, but not a taste for Spike. Not a lick. I know you wouldn't like it.
Buffy: You want credit for not feeding off bleeding disaster victims?
Spike: Well, yeah.
Buffy: You're disgusting. (leaves)
Spike: What's it take?
- Buffy puts Olaf's hammer on the glass countertop... only for it to break the glass moments later. Oops.
- In the final scene, Giles shows just how thrilled he is with the state of the Magic Box while he was gone:Giles: I cringe to think what the place would have looked like if I'd been away for longer.
Buffy: Maybe we would have had time to clean it up if Willow used some magics to help.
Giles: Yes, because nothing could possibly go wrong with that.
- Anya revealing to Xander that she and Willow have solved their differences because they both love him. She then adds that Willow doesn't love him in that way since "you know, she's gay" - to which Willow pulls the best face.
- This after the Council closes the Magic Box early.Giles: You all stand around and look somber.
(They do just that)
Giles: Good job.
- Buffy trying to back out of the door after entering the Magic Box and seeing the Council, only to get caught.
- Anya's interview with Phillip.Anya: Anya Christina Emmanuella Jenkins. Twenty years old. Born on the Fourth of July, and don't think there weren't jokes about that my whole life, mister, 'cause there were. "Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger and therefore smaller and shorter than I am now.
Phillip: So... you spell it A-N-Y-A, then?
- Willow's and Tara's interview with Nigel.Nigel: Well, I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer. And about both of you. Your relationship, whatever you can tell me.
Tara: O-ou-our relationship?
Willow: We're friends.
Tara: Good friends.
Willow: Girlfriends, actually.
Tara: Yes, we're girlfriends.
Willow: We're in love. We're... lovers. Lesbian, gay-type lovers. (puts her hand on Tara's leg)
Nigel: (deadpan) I meant your relationship with the Slayer.
- Lydia interviews Spike in his crypt, while two other Watchers stand nearby, one holding a crucifix and the other aiming a crossbow at Spike.
- This exchange:Spike: I pitch in when she pays me.
Lydia: She pays you? She gives you money?
Spike: Money, a nip of blood out of some stray victim, whatever.
Spike: Well, if they're gonna die anyway. Come to think of it, that's a bit scandalous, isn't it? I'm shocked. The girl's slipping.
Lydia: You've noticed a decline in her work?
Spike: Yeah. See, the poor little twig can't keep a man. Gets her all down. Few more disappointments, she'll be crying on my shoulder, mark my words.
- Lydia grinning like a giddy schoolgirl after admitting that she wrote her thesis on Spike.
- This exchange:
- Buffy brings Joyce and Dawn over to Spike's to have him protect them:Spike: And don't make a lot of noise. Passions is coming on.
Joyce: Passions? Oh, do you think Timmy's really dead?
Spike: Oh! (he and Joyce each sit on his armchair) No, no, she can just sew him back together. He's a doll, for God's sake.
Joyce: Uh, what about the wedding? I mean, there's no way they're gonna go through with that.
- Made even funnier by Dawn's total look of exasperation.
- Buffy calls for no interruptions from the Watchers as she call them out. When Nigel tries, she just throws a sword that lands in the wall directly across his chest, cutting him off.
- When she speaks up about the Scoobies, Lydia timidly raises her hand and says she doesn't want a sword thrown at her.
- During a reminder that the Scooby Gang is hardly a group of civilians:Buffy: We're talking about two very powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon.
Anya: Willow's a demon?!
- After having spent the entire episode trying to trying to convince the Council she's not a demon, no less.
- Giles coughing "retroactive" after Buffy demands that the Council reinstate him as her Watcher at full salary.
- This exchange after Travers assents to Buffy's terms:Travers: Rupert?
Travers: When we inventoried your shop, we found a bottle of single-malt scotch behind the incense holders—
Giles: It's not, you know, during working hours—
Travers: I think I could use a glass.
Giles: Well, I suppose we could...
Blood Ties (5x13)
- While sneaking out, Dawn runs into Spike outside.Dawn: Jeez! Lurk much?
Spike: I wasn't lurkin'. I was standin' about. It's a whole different vibe.
- Their whole exchange:Dawn: Are you giving Buffy a birthday present? Oh, my God. Weird. And chocolates? Lame. And the box is all bent. And, well, you know she'd never touch anything from you anyway.
Spike: (menacingly steps closer to Dawn) Shouldn't you be tucked away in your beddy-bye? All warm and safe where nothing can eat you?
Dawn: (unfazed) Is that supposed to scare me?
Spike: Little tremble wouldn't hurt. Sorry, it's just—
Dawn: Come on, I'm badder than you.
Spike: Are not!
Dawn: Am too. You're in the bushes hugging a bent box of chocolates, and I'm—
Spike: What? Sneaking out to braid hair and watch Teletubbies with your mates?
- Their whole exchange:
- Dawn pesters Spike as he picks the lock on the Magic Box door.Dawn: Do you know how to do that or not?
Spike: Give us a sec. I usually just burst through doors.
- After he succeeds:Spike: That's right! (stands up and gives Dawn a hilariously smug expression) Who's bad now? (enters the shop)
- After he succeeds:
- This line while Dawn is reading Giles' notes about the Key:Spike: Where did [Giles] learn to write so bloody small? From a fruit fly?
- And this line after Dawn finds a reference to the monks charged with protecting the Key:Spike: Brown-robe types always protect something. It's the only way they can justify giving up girls.
- And this line after Dawn finds a reference to the monks charged with protecting the Key:
- Spike finds Olaf's hammer, tries to lift it, and fails.Spike: Didn't go with my stuff anyway.
- Buffy confronts Spike, who's sitting on a tomb painting his nails, and wastes no time in removing the top, sending Spike falling into the tomb.Spike: Careful! These [his nails] are wet.
- Spike's What the Hell, Hero? at Buffy contains this funny line:Spike: Maybe if you had been more honest with her, you wouldn't be trying to make yourself feel better with a round of Kick the Spike!
- Spike's What the Hell, Hero? at Buffy contains this funny line:
- Xander tells Giles that Dawn has a crush on him.Xander: You know, she kinda has a crush on me.
Giles: Your point being?
Xander: Oh, nothing, no. Just sayin'. Powerful being, big-energy gal digging the Xan-man. Some guys are just cooler, you know?
(Giles storms off in annoyance)
- Willow and Tara using their teleportation spell on Glory:
- Spike trying to cozy up to Buffy in the Bronze. He even ditches his trademark Badass Longcoat for a different style that doesn't fit him in the slightest.
- Spike swipes Xander's change to buy a drink from the bar.
- Xander confronting Spike:Xander: The point is, I work hard for that money.
Spike: And you're saying I didn't?
Xander: You stole it.
Spike: And you're making it into very hard work.
- Xander confronting Spike:
- Harmony role-playing as Buffy with Spike, complete with Bad "Bad Acting".
- Spike's Ghost Story that Buffy interrupts just as he's getting to the worst part. Dawn wants him to finish, Buffy, in full Mama Bear mode, arches her eyebrows all, "Finish it, Spike, and I'll hurt you if I don't like it," and Spike's thinking, "Bring My Brown Pants."
- Buffy's reaction to Dawn telling her that Spike is in love with her:Buffy: Huh?
- Spike and Buffy on a "stakeout." He offers her a sip from his flask, then asking her if she likes The Ramones after singing a lyric or two from "I Wanna Be Sedated."
- When Spike presents her the flask:
Spike: It's not blood; it's bourbon.
Buffy: (with intentional emphasis) Eeeeew.
- Buffy confronting Spike about the fake stakeout:Buffy: What is this? The late-night stakeout? The bogus suspects? The flask? (beat) Is this a date?
Spike: A d—? Please! A date? You are completely off your bird! I mean— Do you want it to be?
- And this:Buffy: You're like a serial killer in prison!
Spike: Women marry 'em all the time!
- And this:
- When Buffy reveals to Willow and Joyce that Spike is in love with her:Joyce: Honey, did you... somehow, unintentionally, lead him on in any way? Uh, send him signals?
Buffy: (ponders) Well, I... I do beat him up a lot. For Spike, that's like third base.
- Harmony interrupting Spike and Drusilla's reunion.Harmony: What the heck is this?
Spike: Oh, bloody hell.
- Harmony then suspects Spike wants to have a threesome:Harmony: Oh, wait. I get it. Our little sex game was just the beginning. Now you pick up some cheap queen of the damned to dress as your precious Droodzilla.
Harmony: You better not be thinking what I think you're thinking. My answer is the same as always: No threesomes unless it's boy, boy, girl. Or Charlize Theron.
Spike: Harm, you moron, this is Drusilla.
- THEN, Harmony confronts Drusilla about her dumping Spike and leaving him with "serious trust issues."Harmony: Well. You've got some nerve showing up here like this, after all this time, after breaking my sweet Boo-Boo's heart.
Drusilla: (to Spike, barely audible) "Boo-Boo?"
- Harmony then suspects Spike wants to have a threesome:
- A tied-up Drusilla laughing at Spike's declaration of love to Buffy.Spike: I can do without the laugh track, Dru.
- Spike's enraged rant after Buffy rejects him:Spike: WHAT... THE BLEEDING HELL...IS WRONG... WITH YOU BLOODY WOMEN?! What the hell does it take?! Why do you bitches torture me?!
Buffy: Which question shall I answer first?
Spike: (exasperated) I'm at the end of my bleeding tether. I don't even know why I even bother. (to Drusilla) It's your fault. You're the one to blame for all this.
Drusilla: Am I?
Spike: Bloody right you are! If you hadn't left me for that Chaos Demon, I never would have come back here! Never would have had a sodding chip in my skull! (to Buffy) And you wouldn't be able to touch me. Because this, with you, is wrong. I know it. I'm not a complete idiot. You think I like having you in here? Destroying everything that was me, until all that's left is you, in a dead shell. You say you hate it, but you won't leave. You know, what I should just do is get rid of both of you. Burn you. Cut you into little pieces, so there won't be any more bints to cock up things for Spi—
- He's then interrupted by getting shot in the back by Harmony.Spike: Oh, great.
Harmony: What about me, Spike? You forget about me again? The actual girlfriend? I gave you the best bunch of months of my life!
Drusilla: That's right, little girl. Teach our naughty boy a lesson.
Spike: Oh, so now you're all ganging up?
- He's then interrupted by getting shot in the back by Harmony.
- Harmony breaking up with Spike.Harmony: Oh, Spikey. And you can say goodbye to this. (points to her body) Because you're not gonna see it anymore. Unless you run into me somewhere and it's me walking away from you. But even then, I'll probably just, you know, back away. (backs away as she leaves)
- Buffy punching Spike and sending him crashing into his shrine of her.
I Was Made to Love You (5x15)
- Buffy kicks Puffy Xander in the groin while training.Buffy: I'm sorry. I guess I got carried away. Are you okay?
Xander: I'm alive. I can tell 'cause of the pain.
- Spike tries to hook up with April at the Spring Break party. He ends up getting his ass thrown out a window for his trouble.Spike: Bloody hell! You threw me through a window! What's that about?
April: You cannot say that to me. I have a boyfriend. Warren is my boyfriend.
Spike: You know what? My bleeding sympathies to Warren. (walks off)
- The Description Cut from Tara saying Giles and Dawn probably had a blast to Giles complaining to Buffy about babysitting Dawn.Giles: Dear God, there's only so much I can take. We'll have to change the system. A fourteen-year-old's too old to be baby-sat, and it's not fair on her.
Buffy: What'd she make you do?
Giles: We listened to aggressively cheerful music by people chosen for their ability to dance, we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.
- Followed by this:Buffy: We're gonna work on it tomorrow. Unless you wanna stay and...
Joyce: (arriving home) Who wants to hear everything?
Buffy: ...listen to my mom talk about boys.
Giles: Must go. See you tomorrow. Bye, Joyce. (leaves)
- Followed by this:
- Joyce's final scene is quite possibly the most laugh-out-loud funny moment in the series, which makes it extremely bittersweet.Joyce: Gosh, I'd forgotten how much fun dating can be.
Buffy: I dunno. I was standing right here. I didn't even see Prince Charming. I didn't even see a good night kiss. It all looked pretty tame to me.
Joyce: Well, I suppose by your standards, it could seem pretty... Oh, dear.
Joyce: I left my bra in his car.
Joyce: I'm kidding.
Buffy: Good God, that's horrible. Don't do that.
Joyce: I left it in the restaurant.
Buffy: (running upstairs with her hands over her ears) No more! No more! No more!
Joyce: On the dessert cart!
Buffy: (faintly, off-screen) I can't hear you!
The Body (5x16)
- This episode is one long Tear Jerker, but contains a gem of funny from Anya, after Xander punches a hole in the wall of Willow and Tara's apartment and Tara returns from the laundry room.Tara: Did I miss something?
Anya: Xander decided that he blames the wall.
- And when Buffy and Giles arrive, everyone starts hugging. Anya gives Giles a massive glomp, which he clearly wasn't expecting.
- Buffy goes on a Vision Quest. Seems like an odd time for a joke, eh?Buffy: So, how's it start?
Giles: I, uh, jump out of the circle, and then I jump back in it, and then I, um... shake my [magic] gourd.
Buffy: I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were then called upon to do the Hokey-Pokey and turn themselves around!
Giles: (as dryly British as he has ever been) Go quest.
- After he does the ritual:Buffy: And that's what it's all about.
- After he does the ritual:
- The script gets one for Xander's and Anya's reactions to Spike and the bot.As she bumps into him, then she sees what he sees. Xander looks like he just took a bite of Hell. Anya, however, is intrigued and a little turned on.
- "Oh, Spike. You're the Big Bad. You're the Big Bad."
- After finding the Buffybot... with Spike, Xander and Anya have to warn Willow and Tara, not knowing it's the bot yet. Tara doesn't want to judge Buffy, knowing what she went through, then...Anya: Buffy's boinking Spike.
Willow: (struggling to understand) Oh. Well, Tara's right, grief can be powerful and we shouldn't judge—
Tara: What, are you kidding? She's nuts!
- After having seen the Buffybot with Spike, the Scooby Gang confronts the real Buffy with what they believe to be the truth, and Hilarity Ensues.Xander: Buffy, we care about you, and we're worried about you. The way you're acting, the things you're doing—
Anya: It's wrong.
Willow: Wait. This shouldn't be about blame.
Buffy: Blame? There's blame now?
Willow: No, there's only love. And... some fear.
Anya: We're just kind of thrown by the you having sex with Spike.
Buffy: (jaw-drop) The who whatting how with huh?
Anya: Okay, that's denial. That usually comes before anger.
Buffy: (heatedly) I am not having sex with Spike!
Xander: (soothingly) No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled.
Buffy: (firmly) I am not having sex with Spike! But I'm starting to think that you might be!
- Xander struggles not to laugh at the accusation.
- Or, after the mystery of the Buffybot has been revealed.Xander: Spike must have had her built so he could program her to—
Buffy: (horrified) Oh, God!
Willow: Yikes! Imagine the things—
Buffy: No! No imagining, any of you!
Xander: (raises his hand sheepishly) Already got the visual.
- We actually get to see the visual, which is about what we'd expect of Faith.
- Glory's minion's reaction to Spike "revealing" the Key as "That guy on TV. On that show, the price show where they guess what stuff costs."Murk: The Price Is Right?
Jinx: Bob Barker?
Murk: We will bring you Bob Barker! We will bring you the limp and beaten body of Bob Barker!
- Buffybot pronouncing Giles' name as "Guy-iles." And Buffy accidentally calls Giles that, earning herself a glance from her Watcher.
- When Spike declares Buffy is going to kick her "lopsided ass," Glory takes a moment to glance at her backside.
Tough Love (5x19)
- After Willow claims that she doesn't know if she could sleep without Tara.Anya: You can sleep with me! (pause) That sounded a lot less lesbian in my head.
- Anya's suggestion on how to deal with Glory:Anya: Drop a piano on her. It always works for that creepy cartoon rabbit when he's running from that nice hunter with the speech impediment.
- Funny thing is that Xander seems to have this style of attack in mind when he makes his contribution to the fight in "The Gift."
- Spike's response to Giles demanding what he's doing in the driver's seat of the Winnebago.Spike: Just out for a jaunt. Thought I'd swing by and say "howdy."
- And this conversation between Spike and Giles while driving the Winnebago.Spike: Step on it, gramps!
Giles: Step on what? I've driven tricycles with more power than this!
- Spike's reaction after one of the Knights of Byzantium fires an arrow into the Winnebago.Spike: BLOODY HELL!
- This:Giles: Weapons?
Spike: Hello! You're driving one!
- And also:Willow: Don't hit the horsies!
Buffy: We won't! (to Giles) Aim for the horsies.
The Weight of the World (5x21)
- Spike's frustration with the rest of the Scoobies when they don't remember that Glory and Ben are one in the same.Spike: Ben came, turned into Glory, snatched the kid, and vanished, remember? You do remember? (beat) Is everyone here very stoned? Ben! Glory! He's a doctor; she's the Beast! Two entirely separate entities sharing one body. It's like a bloody sitcom!
- And just when it seems like the gang finally gets it, they don't, and Spike can only sigh in frustration. Clearly, it's tough being the Only Sane Man.
- Spike meets up with Xander and Giles at the hospital and apprises them of his mission to Glory's apartment. As he does, he lights a cigarette and takes a smoke. All the while there's a "No Smoking" sign on the wall behind him.
- Spike dope-slapping Xander when he, having still not quite figured out that Ben and Glory are one in the same, asks if Ben is subletting from Glory. True, doing so causes his chip to go off, but like the man said, it was worth it.
The Gift (5x22)
- After Buffy tells everyone present that she loves them:Spike: When you say you love us all—
Xander and Giles: Shut up.
- When Buffy goes to lift Olaf's hammer, Spike starts to caution her, only for Buffy to lift it without any problems.
- This exchange:Xander: I happen to be—
Spike: A glorified bricklayer?
Xander: I'm also a swell bowler.
Anya: Has his own shoes.
Spike: The gods themselves do tremble.
- Buffy puts the grand plan into motion to stop Glory, and in lieu of her usual pep talk, we get this:Buffy: Hey, everybody knows their jobs. Remember, the ritual starts, we all die. And I'll kill anyone who comes near Dawn.
Spike: Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?
Giles: (wryly) "We few, we happy few..."
Spike: We band of buggered.
- After the gang arrives outside Glory's tower and Giles asks her if she needs anything, Willow replies she could use some courage. Spike immediately hands her his flask, which she declines.
- Early in the final battle, it turns out that Glory's been fighting the Buffybot.Glory: The Slayer's a robot! Did everybody else know that the Slayer was a robot?
- Cue the real Buffy standing behind Glory, armed with Olaf's hammer.Buffy: Glory? (hits Glory with the hammer) You're not the brightest god in the heavens.
- Cue the real Buffy standing behind Glory, armed with Olaf's hammer.
- Xander takes Anya's previous advice on how to fight Glory... by hitting her with a wrecking ball. Also a Moment of Awesome.Xander: And the glorified bricklayer picks up a spare!
- The dialogue between Glory and Buffy immediately preceding the above.
- When Buffy gets to the top of the tower to save Dawn, Doc turns and remarks "This is going to be interesting"...only for Buffy to simply shove him out the way, sending him falling to his death.
- This exchange in the teaser after a vampire they're hunting gets away:Tara: I thought the big ones were supposed to tire more easily.
Spike: (glancing at a tired Giles) No, that's over-the-hill shopkeepers.
Giles: I'm fine. I just need to-to die for a minute.
- Spike ribbing Giles after saving him from the same vamp.Spike: Did your whole life flash before your eyes? Cup of tea, cup of tea, almost got shagged, cup of tea?
- Spike ribbing Giles after saving him from the same vamp.
- Giles and Anya playing tug-o-war with a statue from Giles' private collection, leading to this response from Xander:Xander: Okay, when I'm marveling at the immaturity, be scared.
- Giles' "you should listen to him" look after Xander tells Anya to be nice to Giles unless she wants to work at Video Hut.
- This:Xander: Who made you boss the boss of us?
Willow: You did. You said I could be boss.
Anya: You said to take a vote and it was unanimous.
Tara: You made a plaque that said "You're the boss of us!" with little sparkles on it.
- The rest of the gang catch up to Giles at the airport before he leaves for England. Giles explains he didn't want to make a scene, to which Willow says "As if we'd make a scene" as she whips out an elaborately-decorated placard.
- Xander freaking out over the orb of light that Tara sends to help him and Willow make their way to the Magic Box.
- Xander exchanging barbs with Razor:Razor: Not looking too good.
Xander: I don't see you winning any beauty pageants. Not unless the "Miss My-Face-Fell-Off" contest gets going.
Razor: Pretty big ax you got there.
- Also part of the exchange:
Xander: All the better to cut you down to size, Grandma.
- Xander taking a moment to ask Willow and Tara if males witches are called "warlocks," which they confirm.
Life Serial (6x05)
- The Peggy Sue Running Gag.Buffy: And then I'm going to marry Bob Dole and raise penguins in Guam.
- The repeated failure at fetching a mummy hand from storage. The first time Buffy skewered it on a dagger:Buffy: Oh it's just playing dead. *slaps mummy hand* Little scamp!
Customer: *stares into package*
- Second time around she attempts to apprehend the hand with a pair of barbeque tongs:
Buffy: ...fingers sold separately.
Warren: This mummy hand has ceased to be!
- If this put you in mind of a Norwegian Blue pining for the fjords, then Joss Whedon is one step ahead of you, because a few loops later, this happens:
Andrew: It is an ex-mummy hand!
Buffy: You like slug!? Go with slug! It's not like she's going to sleep with you, anyway!
- Eventually, she just sits there while the mummy hand plays with the tongs.
- Also part of the loop is helping a customer with buying a scented candle (one of the choices is "essence of slug"). Once Buffy is just fed up with the scenario, she's gives this advice:
- "Stop touching my magic bone!!"
- Which leads to the hysterical "Jonathan, grab your magic bone!"
- Buffy drinking alcohol and shuddering with disgust. Again. And again. What really makes it is eventually you don't even see Buffy taking the drink, you just hear "BLEH!" every minute or so.
- Buffy snarking during the demon poker game.Spike: Somebody's gotta stake me.
Buffy: I'll do it!
- Warren, Andrew, and Jonathan fighting over who's the best James Bond. It starts as an offhand comment by Warren and escalates into all-out war.Warren: Connery is Bond. He had style.
Jonathan: But Roger Moore was funny.
Warren: Moonraker?! The gondola turns into a hovercraft? Retarded! And the guy had, like, no edge.
Andrew: Dalton had edge. In License to Kill, he was a rogue agent. Thats edgy. And he was amazing in The Living Daylights.
Jonathan: Which was written for Roger Moore, not Timothy Dalton.
Warren: This is stupid. We're wasting time. End of discussion! (beat) There was a shot of, like, pigeons doing doubletakes when that gondola blasted by! Moonraker is inexcusable!
Andrew: Timothy Dalton should win an Oscar and BEAT SEAN CONNERY OVER THE HEAD WITH IT!!!
- Eventually, it culminates in this priceless line:
- "Life Serial" is one of only two (the other being the more serious "Sleeper") to be written as a collaboration between the show's funniest writers, David Fury AND Jane Espenson. That should explain why this episode has so many classic moments.
All the Way (6x06)
- Anya's Halloween costume.Anya: (dressed up in a Charlie's Angels costume for Halloween) Um, no, this is a special kind of angel called a Charlie. We don't have wings, we just skate around with perfect hair fighting crime.
- "The Dance of Capitalist Superiority," Anya pulling out a wad of cash and doing a happy dance with it, as Dawn joins in completely carefree for a few minutes. Then Anya reveals she does it every night, and you just know it's true.
- Xander's "vigorous use of his tongue" leads to this exchange between Buffy and Giles:Buffy: Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you can't see what we're doing?
Giles: Tell no one.
- While making his way through a cemetery, Giles remarks how ominous the mist and fog looks, then trips and falls.
- Before the fight at the Make-Out Point:Buffy: Didn't anyone come here just to make out? (two raise their hands) Awww... that's sweet. You run. (the couple does so) (to vamps) You scream.
Once More, with Feeling (6x07)
- "They got... the mustard... OOOUUUT!!!!"
Buffy: It's not just us.
- For some perspective, The Mustard is the conclusion to a big band song with the citizens of Sunnydale performing backflips with their dry cleaning. Over MUSTARD being removed from a SHIRT.
- The part that gets most people is the deadpanned line immediately following:
- From "Going Through The Motions"Demon: She's not half the girl she [gets stabbed] OWWWWW!
Buffy: Will I stay this way forever - sleep-walk through my life's endeavor? (frees a hot guy who was tied up)
Sexy Open Shirt Bystander: How can I repay y-
- From "I've Got a Theory"Anya: I've got a theory... It must be bunnies!
The Scoobies: (Cricket Chirp)
Tara: I've got a theory-
Anya: Bunnies are not cute like everyone supposes! They've got those hoppy legs and twitchy little noses! And what's with all the carrots?! What do they need good eyesight for anywaaaays!?note BUNNIES!! BUNNIES!!! IT MUST BE BU-UN-NAAAAAYS!!!!!
The Scoobies: (Silence)
Anya:...or maybe midgets.
- Also great is when Anya goes into her "bunny" solo the song shifts to a hard rock piece complete with a spotlight on her.
- At the start of "I've Got a Theory" when Willow thinks they're in a Broadway production, Tara starts doing jazz hands without her face changing or the rest of her body moving at all.
- And of course this bit...Xander: It could be witches, some evil witches *sees Willow and Tara glare at him*...which is ridiculous, 'cause witches, they were persecuted, Wicca good and love the Earth and women power and I'll be over here...
- The woman singing about getting a parking ticket.The women singing: Hey, I am not wearing underwear.
- This bit:
- This exchange:Willow: Those boys were totally checking you out.
Tara: "They were? I'm cured! I want the boys!"
- Giles, Xander, and Anya, walking down the street. First they discuss how Xander and Anya's song was, Giles provides some exposition about the demon responsible, and then it drifts to discussing Buffy's recent difficulties in life. All the while, there are people performing in the background (and the foreground, as the camera focuses on the parking ticket lady as they talk).Giles: I was able to examine the body while the police were taking witness arias.
Anya: It was like we were being watched. Like there was a wall missing from our apartment. Like there were only three walls, and not a fourth one.
- What about this line?
- Lest we forget this gem while Giles and Buffy are training:Buffy: I'm worried this is going to turn into a training montage from an 80s movie.
Giles: Well, if we hear any inspirational power chords, we'll just lie on the ground until they go away.
- Dawn's response to Sweet taking him back to the Underworld as his bride.Well I mean / I'm fifteen / so this queen thing's illegal
- Willow's line in "Walk Through the Fire".Willow: I think this line's mostly filler.
- When Giles tells the others that Buffy has to face Sweet alone:Spike: Don't be such a stupid git—
Giles: When I want your opinion, Spike, I'll... I'll never want your opinion.
Tabula Rasa (6x08)
- Giles' farewell speech to the Scoobies gets interrupted by Spike barging into the Magic Box, clad in a suit and earmuffs to disguise himself from Teeth.Spike: You need to give me asylum!
Xander: I'll say.
Spike: No need to get cute. It's a disguise. Happens there's a bloke I'd rather not see just now. (to Buffy) You met him, I believe. Toothy bloke with the baby-seal breath? Nasty fellow, him.
- Amnesiac!Xander freaking out:Xander: Okay. I'm not panicking. I'm not. I'm not. (to everyone else) Stop looking at me like I'm panicking!
- The mutual discovery of an amnesiac Spike and Giles' nationality:Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... (stops and notices his own accent) Bloody hell! (ticks off on his fingers) Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks... oh, God! I'm English!
Giles: (dryly) Welcome to the nancy tribe.
Spike: You don't suppose you and I we're not related, are we?
- Followed by both men coming to the conclusion that they're father and son:
Anya: There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance.
Giles: And you do inspire a particular feeling of familiarity and disappointment. (beat) Older brother?
Spike: (disdainfully) Father. Oh, God, how I must hate you.
Giles: What did I do?
Spike: There's always something. And what's with the trollop?
Spike: I saw you! Sleeping together.
Giles: Resting together.
Anya: Look! It's okay. We're engaged. It's a lovely ring.
Spike: Oh, great, a tarty stepmom who's half old Daddy's age.
Giles: Old? You little twerp, I'm young enough to still get carded!
- After Spike mockingly repeats Giles' first name:Giles: You're not too old to put across my knee, you know, sonny.
- Spike then reads the name inside of his suit jacket:Spike: "Randy Giles?!" Why not just call me "Horny Giles" or "Desperate-For-A-Shag Giles?!?!" I knew there was a reason I hated you!
Giles: Randy's a family name, undoubtedly.
- Spike then reads the name inside of his suit jacket:
- Willow and "Alex" (Xander) as a couple with Willow's attraction to Tara.
- Spike's line to Giles after seeing Buffy and Dawn's sisterly display:Spike: You never showed me affection like that! I'd wager.
- This as the gang prepares to leave the Magic Box:Spike: (lays arm chummily on Giles' shoulders) Dad can drive. He's bound to have some classic midlife-crisis transport. Something red, shiny, shaped like a penis.
- The look of fright on all of their faces when they saw Teeth's vampire goons. So funny it gets used in the Season 7 opening.
- When the vampires demand they send out Spike, Giles reasons they want actual spikes, and Spike goes and gets a bunch of wooden stakes, suggesting they give them to the vampires outside.
- This exchange after everyone mishears the vampires yell "Slayer!"Buffy: Who do those jerks think they are?
Anya: Bloodsuckers. They kill by sucking blood. Take it easy, Joan.
- Xander's over-the-top reaction to the vampires breaking into the Magic Box as everyone tries to flee, followed by his getting on his knees and praying.Xander: Now I'm not sure what I am so bear with me here. Now I lay me down to sleep, shabat Israel, om, om...
- After being backed against a display case by a vampire, Spike rather petulantly drops the wooden stakes at the vampire's feet.Spike: Fine! Take your damn spikes!
- Joan, the Vampire Slayer.
- "Stay away from Randy!"
- Xander fainting after "Joan," fresh from dusting a vamp, remarks she must be some sort of superhero.
- Spike and Giles' awkward father/son hug before Spike leaves with Buffy to draw the vampires away from the shop.
- Anya attempts to counter the memory spell, and summons a horde of bunnies, a sinister green cloud, a sword-wielding skeleton, and some kind of ferocious beast that we never even see.
- After Anya conjures yet another bunny, Giles just puts his glasses back and says "Yes, dear."
- After Anya creates the green cloud:Giles: Clearly, that is not a helpful book, darling. Come down, and we will go about fixing this in a sensible fashion!
Anya: (standing on the table) Sensible! You think it's sensible for me to go down into that pit of cotton-top hell and let them hippity-hop all over my vulnerable flesh?
Giles: Fine, then just stay up there and keep making bunnies! That's a capital plan!
Anya: What capital? I never know what you're talking about. "Loo," "shag," "brolly"—what the hell is all that?
Giles: What? There's no way that you could remember me saying any of those words.
Anya: Oh, bugger off, you brolly.
- Giles fights the skeleton while demanding that Anya find another book.Giles: Get a different book! Put that book down, do you hear?! Not that book!
- After Anya summons the unseen beast:Giles: Look what you've done, you lunatic woman!
Anya: Don't blame me, you snobby, snotty, thinks-he's-so-great kind of jerk. And I feel compelled to take some vengeance on you. (hits Giles on the head with a book)
Giles: Ow!! God, no wonder I'm leaving you!
Giles: Look! (shows her his plane ticket) One-way ticket to London, and out of this engagement!
Anya: Of all the nerve!
(Giles makes a hilariously miffed face)
- Spike learning that he's a vampire.Buffy: You're a vampire!
Spike: How can you say— I, me, a vampire? No.
Buffy: Check the lumpies. And the teeth. (Spikes checks himself) I kill your kind.
Spike: And I bite yours. So how come I don't wanna bite you? And why am I fighting other vampires? (beat) I must be a noble vampire. A good guy. On a mission of redemption. I help the hopeless. I'm a vampire with a soul.
Buffy: A vampire with a soul? Oh my god, how lame is that?
- Spike musing about his status as a good vampire, all the while Buffy stands there looking bored.Spike: I'm a hero, really. I mean, to be cast such an ugly lot in life and then to rise above it. To seek out better, nobler things. It's inspirational, isn't it? And the two of us natural enemies, thrown together to stand against the forces of darkness. Utter trust. No thought of me biting you, no thought of you staking me.
Buffy: Depends on how long you keep on yapping.
- Giles and Anya make up and kiss... moments before the amnesia spell gets reversed. They're next seen pretending to clean up the Magic Box, separated by a display shelf.
- Spike seeks out the Trio's help in finding out why his chip is malfunctioning, and he threatens to snap their limited edition Boba Fett figurine in half if they don't help.
- The Trio then discuss what to do while Spike plays with the figurine in the background.
- While waiting for Warren, Jonathan and Andrew try to make small talk with Spike.Jonathan: You're English, right?
Spike: (looks at Jonathan, eyes narrowed suspiciously) Yeah.
Jonathan: I've seen every episode of Doctor Who. Not Red Dwarf, though, 'cause, um...'cause it's not out yet on DVD.
Andrew: Right. It's not out yet on DVD.
Spike: (beat) WARREN!
- Spike calling Warren "Spock" while asking him to explain the results.
- Spike attempting to call out Buffy over the phone.Spike: (low, scary tone) Slayer.
Spike: Meet me at the cemetery.
Spike: Bloody hell. (normal tone) Yes, it's me!
- Followed by Spike making with the innuendo:Spike: Thought you might be up for a little grunt work.
Buffy: What?! No. No grunting!
Spike: I was talking shop, luv, but if you got other ideas... you, me, cozy little tomb with a view—
(Buffy hangs up)
- Followed by Spike making with the innuendo:
- Spike holding up Buffy's panties, and Buffy punching Spike before leaving.
- The Scoobies working their butts off to search for a frost demon that could've stolen from the museum, completely unaware that it was The Trio. It gets to the point where Anya is secretly reading a magazine because even she knows they're at a dead end.
- Dawn flipping quesadillas with her own hands.Dawn: Ow, ow, ow.
Willow: Or you can do it the hard way.
Dawn: Spatulas are for wimps.
- Head and shoulders of Spike as he finishes pouting at an invisible Buffy for only coming around to use him. He tells her to take her clothes if she can find them and get out... then looks crotch-ward suddenly, "That's cheatin'!"
- And before, when Xander walked in on them having sex, and Spike told him he was exercising.
- Then Spike simulates a push-up, and we can hear Buffy moan...
- And before, when Xander walked in on them having sex, and Spike told him he was exercising.
- Buffy hearing the message that her invisibility will kill her: not so funny. The camera panning to her approximate position to simulate a reaction shot, on the other hand...
- Buffys scene invisibly visiting Mrs Kroger in her working place, implying to the poor woman she's going mad.
- A fully choreographed, well thought out fight scene... of four invisible people. It's pretty much just dubbing over a swerving camera with sound effects added in.
- Warren stumbling over how to pronounce the plural of "archnemesis."
- Warren's attempt to use a smoke bomb so he, Jonathan, and Andrew can make a getaway failing spectacularly; the smoke clears a bit to show the Trio at the door.
Doublemeat Palace (6x12)
- Halfrek's introductory scene is priceless. She threatens Xander's life and offers to dismember him in this horribly low, demonic voice, until she recognizes Anya, adopts a much girlier voice ("Anyanka?? Oh my GOD!") and hugs her, with Xander shitting bricks the entire time.
Dead Things (6x13)
- It comes right before some serious Mood Whiplash, but Katrina, after the effects of the Cerebral Dampener wear off, tossing Warren into the lair while Jonathan and Andrew are play-fighting with toy lightsabers was absolutely hysterical.
- Spike's reaction after he overhears police officers mention how Katrina's body (which he dumped in the ocean to help Buffy) was found.Spike: Oh, balls!
Older and Far Away (6x14)
- Tara asking Spike about the "cramp" in his pants.
As You Were (6x15)
- Buffy's embarrassment when Riley found her working at the Doublemeat Palace.Riley: I've been up 48 hours straight tracking down something bad. Now it's come to Sunnydale,
Buffy: My hat has a cow...
- Buffy is walking home through a cemetary when a vampire jumps out to attack her. Not only does he let her put down her to-go bag before they fight, but when he has a clear shot at their throat, he recoils and says that she smells like the Doublemeat Palace, offers her his pity on the matter, and says that he'll be going since her odor is making him sick. Buffy replies with an indignant stake to the chest. As he is dusted, you can see him raising his arms in a "Oh come on!" gesture.
- Xander refers to Riley and Sam as Nick and Nora Fury.
- While Riley tries to reassure Buffy that he doesn't think any less of her despite her situation, and mentioning the fast food smell:Buffy: (Upset) You smelled the smell?
Riley: Buffy, none of that means anything. It doesn't touch you. You're still the first woman I ever loved ... and the strongest woman I've ever known. And I'm not advertising this to the missus ... but you're still quite the hottie.
Buffy: You know, it goes away after many bathings.
Normal Again (6x17)
- Willow: Hello, Tara. Would you like to go out with me for coffee, food, kisses, and gay love?
- Meta example: During the scene where Tara and Willow get back together, Amber Benson accidentally used tongue on Alyson Hannigan.Amber Benson: I think I made her sweat for the first time ever in her entire life.
- Dawn's reaction to seeing Willow and Tara together is both heartwarming and hilarious.
- Buffy's attempts to fill Giles in on everything that's happened since he left. Anya's a vengeance demon again, Dawn's been stealing, they're running out of money..."And I've been sleeping with Spike." Giles stares at her solemnly for a long moment, then cracks up.
- Another bit:Giles: I can see...
Anya: It's a miracle!
- Buffy and Dawn are discussing after Dawn's training session:Buffy: The next vampire you meet, you run away. I just wish that was all we had to worry about. Vampires, demons... They're nothing compared to what's coming.
Dawn: I know. I just can't believe it's back.
Buffy: Believe me, I thought I was long past it. I guess you never are. Just a few more days 'til it starts. Then we'll never know what's coming next.
[cut to the newly reconstructed Sunnydale Highschool]
- When Buffy meets Spike in the basement:Spike: Buffy, duck.
Buffy: (confused) What? Duck? There's a duck?
[An undead hits Buffy in the head with a pipe]
Beneath You (7x02)
- Nancy asks the Scoobies if there's anyone among them who hasn't had sex with each other. Cue glances from Xander and Spike.
- The combinations get even smaller as of S8. Xander and Dawn are together now, Angel S5 mentioned that Angelus and Spike did it once, and Buffy had a one-night stand with another Slayer.
- Spike's insane ramblings inside the church are a Tear Jerker, except for one, very brief moment of lucidity.Buffy: Spike, have you completely lost your mind?
Spike: Well, yes. Where have you been all night?
Same Time, Same Place (7x03)
- Anya and Willow's collaboration has this written all over it.
- Willow: Something killed a poor boy down by the construction site. Took his skin right off.
Willow/Anya: [simultaneously] Was it you? No!
Anya: [after a conversation about the cost of killing/power] I'm surprisingly sensitive.
Willow: So, will you help me?
Anya: [sighs] Is it difficult or time-consuming?
- Paralyzed!Dawn is a goldmine of comedy, especially considering how increasingly muffled Dawn's lines become as her face gets more and more frozen.Dawn: "Stop saying vomit!"
- "...She's posable?"
- Sarah Michelle Gellar's facial expression on the last line is hilarious. She just scrunches her nose, as if this were an everyday problem.Buffy: It says... the paralysis is permanent.
Dawn: [muffled] WHAT?
Buffy: Oh. Permanent until the creature dies. Sorry.
- Buffy leaving the TV remote in posable Dawn's hand.
- And when the demon does die, we cut back to Dawn in the living room who promptly unparalyses and flops down on the couch.
- On Buffy's first day as a high school counselor, Dawn shows up to complain about her control freak sister who keeps stealing all her clothes.
- Buffy's history as a Bully Hunter comes to a head with her guidance counselor job when Amanda asks her advice on a bully. You can just see the shock and her struggling not to laugh as she's told Amanda jumped him and smashed him into the pavement, she needs advice on if she should do it more.
- Buffy talks with Principal Wood (who's black) about some of the issues with her counseling job.Wood: When I was in high school, I had a thing with this guy, right? Real bully. I kept telling everyone that he better sleep with one eye open cause I was gonna bust his ass. Well, I got suspended. Talk like that is taken pretty seriously where I come from.
Buffy: The hood?
Wood: Beverly Hills. Which is a hood, I guess.
- During Cassie's otherwise Tear Jerker of a speech, she says she wants to see her cousins grow up - "because they're really mean and I think they're going to be fat" - even Buffy grins at this.
- D'Hoffryn, upon seeing the Anya's murdered frat boys in season 7's "Selfless": "Oh, breathtaking! It's like someone slaughtered an Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue."
- Anya's flashbacks to when she was human."It's a troll! Hide your babies and your beadwork!"
"The troll is doing an Olaf impersonation!"
"Hit him with fruits and various meats!"
- Then there was the "Once More" prequel song:Together:Oh, no
Man: Mustard on my shirt
Woman: Mustard, I'll never get it out
Man: My favorite dress shirt
Woman: Dry clean it
Man: How could you serve
- And Anya's song :"Mrs. Anya lame-ass-made-up-maiden-names Harris"
- Buffy, Willow, and Anya trying to win Jacket-Boy's love. To sum up:
Anya: Oh! I wrote... a poem. Comparing him to daisies and forests and diamonds, and that sort of thing.
- Buffy attempts to kill Principal Wood. With the rocket launcher.
- Not to mention the scene where she attempts it. Principal Wood is listening to quiet jazz while marking papers. In the window behind him we see Buffy appearing with the launcher, then Spike running in and doing a flying tackle, knocking Buffy out of view to stage right. They come back into frame with Buffy hanging off of Spike's shoulders beating him repeatedly over the head, vanishing to stage left. Then Spike comes back into view again running away with the rocket launcher and Buffy chasing after him like something straight out of Looney Toons, exit stage right again. Wood remains completely oblivious the entire time.
- Willow tries to fix the problem with Jacket-Boy's physical form.
- And Anya is implied to have committed multiple robberies somewhere, but turns the radio off before we can find out where and lies to the others about it when they ask.
- Buffy attempts to kill Principal Wood. With the rocket launcher.
- Buffy and Willow fighting over RJ.Buffy: Anya could be seducing RJ as we speak.
Willow: You really think she would do that?
Buffy: She was recently evil.
Willow: So was I. Why should I miss out?
- Also:Buffy: Willow, you're a gay woman! *beat* And he isn't!?
Willow: This isn't about his physical presence! It's about his heart.
Anya: His physical presence has a PENIS!
Willow: I can work around it!
- Let's not forget the scene earlier in the Bronze:(RJ is dirty dancing with a beautiful scantily-dressed girl, seen only from the back)
Willow: (ogling the girl) Check out his fan club.
Xander: (ogling likewise) Ooo, Daddy like.
Buffy: (rolls her eyes) What is that shirt made of? Paint?
Willow: (dawning realization) Buffy...
Buffy: Glad Dawnie isn't here to see her precious boyfriend getting all thrusty with some slut-bag hussy-
(the girl turns around, and everybody jawdrops when they see that she is Dawn)
Xander: (horrified) Oh... oh no! Daddy no... I wasn't... when I was lookin' I wasn't... oh God!
Willow: (ashamed) Right there with ya.
- The line "Right there with ya." Is one of the funniest lines in the entire show.
- And then it turns out Dawn stole the slutty top from Buffy.
Conversations with Dead People (7x07)
- Andrew's mistranslation of the Arc Words, "From Beneath You, It Devours" (he'd just been in Mexico and heard it in Spanish):Andrew: (somberly) It eats you, starting with your bottom.
- Well, everyone spoke Mexicoan!
- Also, the whole Buffy/Holden scenes can get pretty funny, especially the part were Buffy is lying down on a grave with Holden going all psychoanalystic on her.Holden: Oh, my God! Or, well, not my God, because I defy him and all of his works.
Never Leave Me (7x09)
- Andrew failing to kill a pig.
The First: That's the worst attempt of a pig slaughter I have ever seen.
- To expand on this, The First (taking Warren's form) is coaching him through it and is actually astounded regarding how amazingly bad he is at killing a piglet.
Bring on the Night (7x10)
- Giles makes his return.We're having a slight... apocalypse.
- Kennedy meets Willow.Willow: You wanna organize the sleeping arrangements?
Kennedy: Okay. You better not hog the covers.
- Despite her status as The Scrappy, when the Spuffy romance has moved right past Everyone Can See It to even the Potentials, Kennedy's comment at finding out Buffy found Spike's crypt comfy is worth at least a giggle.
- Dawn's Adorkable complaint as she sneaks into the school with Amanda."I think I strained something. Something I might need later in life."
The Killer in Me (7x13)
- As Molly and Rona are fighting over who gets to drive for their spirit quest (Rona won and stuffed Molly in the trunk), Giles busts Buffy on how the Potentials were apparently told the spirit quest apparently involves "driving them out into the middle of the desert, doing the Hokey Pokey until a spooky Rasta-Mama Slayer appears and speaks to them in riddles."
- The Glomp Andrew gives Willow/Warren.Willow /Warren: Bad touching!
- For the rest of the scene Dawn and Andrew just keep poking Willow.
- The Scoobies start fearing that Giles might be the First because they can't remember if he's touched anything, since the First is incorporeal and all.Giles: You think that I'm evil because I bring a group of girls camping and don't touch them?
- And how did they figure out that Giles wasn't The First?(Anya, Xander, Dawn, and Andrew tackle Giles)
Xander: Touch him!
Dawn: I feel him! I feel him!
Andrew: Me too!
Giles: Good, we all feel each other. (looks at Andrew) Including some of us who don't know each other well enough to take such liberties, thank you.
- This bit:Spike: Who ya gonna call? [Beat] God that phrase is never gonna be usable again, is it?
Buffy: Doubt it.
First Date (7x14)
- Spike attacking Giles in the cemetery when the man's in the middle of relating to Buffy and the Potentials how he saved himself from the Bringer in Robson's apartment.
- Giles admitting to Buffy he got the jump on the Bringer not by instinct and experience, but because the Bringer's shoes squeaked.
- Buffy and Willow talking about Principal Wood:Buffy: It's just he's there on the Hellmouth all day everyday. That's like getting showered by evil, only from underneath.
Willow: Not really a shower.
Buffy: A bidet. Like a bidet of evil.
- Chao-Ahn the Chinese Potential what with no one understanding what she's saying and vice-versa.
- Most of it, actually, but coming to mind are the slow-mo kitchen sequence and "Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?"
- Honestly, all of his fantasy sequences are brilliant, especially the supervillain one:Andrew: In my plan, we are beltless!
- Also:Andrew: WE ARE AS GOOOOODS *plays harp while a unicorn trots gently by*
- Andrew watching the footage of Xander and Anya's breakup and mouthing Anya's words.
- Andrew ignoring Willow & Kennedy kissing, instead complimenting Xander's work on fixing the window.
- Andrew tries to film Spike:Spike: Hey, I told you get that thing out of my face! Now get out of here before I tear your head off!
Andrew: Spike, the light was behind you.
Spike: Oh sorry. [Takes a step forward] Hey, I told you to get that..
- The pig from "Never Leave Me" reappears.Principal Wood: God, I hope that's not a student.
- Either hilarious or Squicky, depending on the viewer:Andrew: It's in the kitchen. ...you didn't have any steak knives.
Willow: You put your old murder weapon in with our utensils?!
Andrew: .....I washed it.
Lies My Parents Told Me (7x17)
- Giles's dismay over the modernized Sunnydale High School Library.Giles: (storming into Woods' office) Everything's terrible! Total catastrophe!
Buffy: Giles, what's wrong?
Giles: Have you seen the new library? There's nothing but computers! There's not a book to be seen! I-I don't know where to begin, Buffy. I mean, who do we speak to?
Robin: Uh, that would that would be me.
- Principal Wood trying to catch up with Spike's Back Story. Also serves as a humorous lampshade of Continuity Lock-Out.Buffy: So, did you bring back any Potentials?
Giles: Um, rea no. Actually, m-my, uh, my trip is about something else. It'sit's, um, regarding Spike.
Buffy: Spike. What about him?
Giles: I told you my concerns when you recklessly chose to remove the chip from his head.
Robin: Wait, sorry chip?
Giles: Well, uh, it's a...long story.
Buffy: The military put a chip in Spike's head so he couldn't hurt anyone.
Giles: And that would be the abridged version.
Buffy: But he wouldn't hurt anyone anymore because he has a soul now.
Giles: Unless the First triggers him again.
Robin: Triggers the chip?
Buffy: No, the trigger's a post-hypnotic thing. The First put it in his head. It was... made him He was killing again.
Robin: So, he has a trigger, a soul, and a chip?
Giles: Not anymore!
Buffy: It was killing him, Giles!
Robin: The trigger?
Buffy: No, the chip. The trigger's not active anymore.
Robin: Because the military gave him a soul?
[Giles tries to think an adequate response. Buffy glares at Robin, who gestures in surrender.]
Robin: Uh... sorry.
- Andrew relays the plot hook for Willow's appearance on Angel, via a phone call from Winifred Burkle.Andrew: Uh, Willow? Call for you from L.A... somebody named Fred? Guy sounds kind of effeminate.
Dirty Girls (7x18)
- Andrew's recount of Faith's backstory is mostly accurate... up until the point where she's suddenly fighting SPOCK, complete with the "Amok Time" battle music playing and Spock attempting to use the Vulcan nerve pinch on Faith.Amanda: What the hell are you talking about? I thought Faith killed a volcanologist.
Andrew: Silly, silly Amanda. Why would Faith kill a person who studies Vulcans?
Amanda: He studied volcanoes. He was a professor...?
Andrew:: Ah, yes. Well, regardless...
- The Chinese potential didn't have a clue what Andrew saying and all she can respond with is "There's a girl doing gymnastics in the backyard". Andrew nods solemnly, thinking she said something completely different.
- Faith's and Spike's meeting, where they discuss going bad, sexual fetishes and Buffy.Faith: (referring to the body swap) Shoulda known it wasn't blondy behind the wheel. She'd never throw down like that.
Spike: Oh you have been away.
Faith: Don't tell me Miss Tightly Wound is gettin' her naughty on.
- Faith's confusion after Buffy stops her from killing Spike.Faith: "Are you the bad slayer now? Am I the good slayer now?"
- After a quiet drama scene where they talk about how hard their lives have been, Faith sums it up quite nicely.Faith: Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers.Buffy: Takes the edge off.
Empty Places (7x19)
- Anya is giving an informative presentation to the potentials in the basement, while Andrew writes the key points on an easel-pad.Anya: OK... I know you're all upset... and I, myself, would much rather be sitting at the bedside of my one-eyed ex-fiance than killing time here with you people in this over-crowded and might I add increasingly ripe-smelling basement. And I would be, too, if not for a certain awkward discussion he and I recently had right over there on that cot, immediately following some exciting and unexpected breakup sex. (the girls sitting on the cot move to the floor; Andrew writes "breakup sex", then underlines it).
- Caleb confusing The First's 'Buffy' appearance for the real thing, while it finds his failure to kill her as 'embarrassing'.
- Faith recommends kidnapping a Bringer, and Kennedy sarcastically suggests holding it for ransom. Xander's responseXander:Yeah, I'll get the magazines and start ripping out the letters now. "Dear Mr. First, if you want your Bringer back... well, we'll be surprised because you got, like, 3 million of them. So please disregard this letter. Yours sincerely
- Angel's petulant reaction to the news that Spike has regained his soul.Angel: That's great. Everyone's got a soul now.
Buffy: He'll make a difference.
Angel: You know, I started it. The whole having a soul. Before it was the cool new thing.
Buffy: Oh. My. God. Are you TWELVE?
- Speaking of maturity, when Buffy goes down to the cellar to talk to Spike, he's taped a little drawing of Angel to his punching bag.
- Two words. "Wheelchair fight."
- What do you do the night before the final battle? Play Dungeons & Dragons, of course!
- Also, from that scene, Andrew and his outfit.
- And for all the Homestar Runner fans, the reference to Trogdor the Burninator really sealed the deal.
- Faith and Wood are barricading the school, after they'd slept together and Faith dumps him. When she starts up how men are only interested in her for her body, Wood claims he's much more attractive. Faith is shocked and tries to deny his claims, before trying to go at it with him again.
- After Xander is forced to ride Centaurette Dawn (causing her to get soaking wet), this exchange happens:Xander: How're you feeling?
Centaurette!Dawn: Like I was ridden hard and put away wet.
Xander: AGH! Dawn, that's dis — oh. No. It's just true.
- How about the title of an issue of the Twilight arc. What issue? "Them F#©%ing (Plus the True History of the Universe)", of course!
- Andrew and his videocamera, including:"I investigate farther. Further. I investigate more."
- From the Season 8 comic, there's this bit - We see Angel putting on the Twilight mask for the first time, with the narration stating that he has to do it so that Buffy won't know that it's him. Cut to Spike, sat at a computer & watching the footage of Twilight's first public appearance as it's being made.Spike: So that's Angel, then.
- The E-Comic Harmony Comes to the Nation. It's a S8 tie-in. The plot? It's a two page comic showing an interview with Harmony after her show. The interviewer? Stephen Colbert! Oh, and he, in his trademark style, points out her hypocrisy and stupidity.
- In No Future For You Faith is sent undercover to bag a British Slayer who'd gone evil, a story she should be familiar with. Even after being trained she still has a bit of trouble with local slang, which leads to this exchange.Evil Slayer: Mind if I bum a fag?
Faith: What do I care? You can bum whoever you... oh.
- Earlier in The Long Way Home Buffy is angsting over the things she misses, sex among them. Later she is trapped in a dream state with Ethan Rayne who claims to know all her secrets, before revealing Buffy's fantasy of her in a nurse outfit chained to a naked Angel and a naked Spike."No. That's nothing worth... it's just been a slow year."
- The Un-Reveal of Twilight's identity. "Sorry, itchy neck."
- Everyone piling into Buffy's' bedroom and catching her and Satsu together.Should I sound the alarm?
I wasn't aware that we *had* an alarm for [Buffy sleeping with a girl]. But yes. Sound it.
- For that matter, Willow tries to gently steer Satsu away from Buffy, fearing they'll get hurt. She then grills her on what Buffy's like in bed.
- Then there's a vampire mentioning that Buffy tastes sweet. Satsu stakes him and replies, "You have no idea." She cringes upon saying it.
- Buffy hits on Xander.Xander: Hey, that's a big deal! I'm a potential romantic interest! I'm on the list—right after being gay. I rate almost as good as trying to change your sexual orientation. You went—through gay— to me.
- Just the very fact that the villain is named Twilight. Many lines instantly become ten times funnier.Spike: You wanna put these demons down and end this Twilight crap once and for all?
- Hunting for Simone Buffy takes Andrew along with her, seeing as he was her Watcher. Well, for the whole trip she puts up with his endless discussion of the most obsessive geek topics, until he gets onto the topic of James Bond, specifically Daniel Craig. Buffy just so happens to have a huge Celeb Crush on him and is so into him in, well, that context that Andrew (who is gay) is creeped out.
- "Buffy Summers, it is time for you to pay......YOUR STUDENT LOAN!
- "Nobody say a fucking word." Buffy glares at the reader when making this comment, which makes the scene Lampshade Hanging and ever funnier.
- "Oh my God... this is the crappiest ritual dagger I've ever seen."
- The Angel & Faith comic In Perfect Harmony. Just... all of it.
"Y'know, when you started this story I didn't think it was possible for me to care any less. But here we are."
- Angel reminisces about his love for private detectives, how he enjoyed playing one for Angel Investigations, the cliche of a stormy night when a lady requests the detective's help. Well it is a stormy night and a lady requests his help, and when Angel sees that it's Harmony he remembers why he quit being a detective.
- Faith complains that she's meant to be a slut when Spike had slept with everyone except her.
- Harmony shows a sex tape where she sires someone despite Angel repeatedly begging not to. And Faith reasoning they're meant to boost the popularity of celebs with no talent.
- Angel brings Angelus levels of snark.
"Anyone who really hates you... y'know what, never mind."
- When trying to narrow down the list of suspects Faith has a suggestion.
"When all else fails, bust some heads."
- Faith's idea to blackmail Harmony then release the tape.
- A vampire calls Harmony a slag with a fat ass, sending her into a Berserker Rage.
- When asked about the sex tape the vampire who slagged her off turns out to be a huge fan who has all the other videos she made.
- Angel tries to say he didn't realize how famous Harmony was, but the words get stuck in his throat.
- When the idea is made to make a list of people who really hate Harmony Faith calls dibs on top spot.
- Harmony shares advice she got from Charlie Sheen. Faith offers some herself.
"Those are so fake."
- Harmony gets the idea of paying Angel by making him look good, even proposing a sex tape for him, before remembering he'd probably lose his soul. Not that it stops her from continually discussing the idea.
- Harmony getting upset over her image in publicity campaigns.
- Faith referencing Star Wars again.
- Faith offers her opinion on seeing Harmony stripping at a club. Bonus points for looking envious.
- Angel throws out the reward Harmony gives him, the realization that famous people are crazy much more valuable to him.
- Harmony complaining that a magazine cover makes her look 25.
- After Clem confesses he's in love with Harmony, she kisses him but says she can only date tens, as attractive people have that "responsibility", and she continues to treat him like dirt. Then he goes back to being her lapdog.
- Spike's amused when Buffy loses an am to discover not only might she not be pregnant, but she's actually a Buffybot, which leads her to swear again.Spike... I'm a f&^king robot!
- Daddy Issues was really heavy and we needed something light. We got it with Women of a Certain Age which revolved around Giles' aunts and they're no better than Harmony.
- They invite themselves in and when challenged said how All residents of the country home" are allowed, as per the will. Faith abashedly admits she thought it was referring to horses.
- Angel typically tries to apologize for killing Giles. They brush him off on account of magic but when he tries to claim it was his choice he's told that his hair is much more cause to be sorry for.
- Turns out one of the reasons they are there is because they had made a lot of deals with demons, and now an army of them are looking to collect. At this point Faith asks the aunts if Giles hates them as much as she does.
- After fighting several of them one enters and says he just wants a kiss, chasing after Giles' aunts. When the next demon enters Angel proposes a truce, not wanting to miss the funny scene. The demon readily agrees.
- As a boy Giles wanted to be a fighter pilot, and was constantly playing with a toy plane. After he nearly tears a hole in one of his aunt's minidress they claim they should have called the little blighter Ripper.
- When they're alone Angel thinks Vivian is trying to seduce him. As well as the whole losing his soul issue she freaks him out. When she sees what he thinks she laughs it off and says she would have gotten married if she wanted to shag a corpse. Meanwhile Giles is thought to be Faith's sugar daddy, and denials of this are ignored.
- The next comic's alternate cover proves the Swarmi's (of ''Guise Will Be Guise) point: it has Faith cruising Hollywood in a convertible, Angel's old car, in the sun, having a ball. Where's Angel? Growling under his coat, sizzling. Irony.
- When the aunts stay one of them rummages through Faith's drawers and says she found earplugs where the Slayer keeps her vibrator. Faith maintains they're stakes, but she alluded to using them as dildos before.
- Before they leave, Angel warns Giles' aunts to be careful,
- In the first Spike issue:Elizabeth: "I have never seen his majesty like this before."
Sebastian: "He has told us to sod odd before Elizabeth. Just last week, he told Scotty and me to engage in an activity so anatomically impossible that-"
- Also from the same issue: "Tell my wife and larvae I love them."
- Buffy, after suddenly being teleported in the middle of a fight: "What the hell dimension?"
- "Good to see you dropped the Twilight act. I hear the chick who writes the gothic novels is litigous.
- From Live Through This:Angel: "If I avoided people who want to kill me, I'd never leave the house."
- In Death & Consequences when Spike is called in to help he's about to use a chalice as an ashtray, to the horror of the magic expert that had been helping Angel and Faith, when Angel thinks Buffy dumped Spike. Shit's on. Faith looks like she is in pain and their fight and it takes a crazy with rage Slayer wielding a sword at them to get the pair to stop.
- Faith: Okay, I missed an episode. These guys are selling juice that grows back people's arms?
Angel: Not just arms. That was the blood of a Mohra Demon. It can regenerate any organ. Any wound. Even necrotic tissue.
Faith: You saying it could raise the dead? Ain't that kind of a leap?
Angel: I've seen Mohra blood bring a dead body to life. Mine.
Faith: I missed a whole damn season."
- Angel, Faith and Spike. Let's start with the covers, which is either Spike literally Chewing the Scenery and Faith amused, or Angel and Spike literally playing Betty and Veronica and Faith is not amused, nor is she when Spike jokes about the shackles Giles had.
Right. Not Even I am buying that one.
- Faith has to ward off a horny Spike, flatly shooting him down. Anyone else she'd be all for, but not him as she's matured past the bad boy phase.
- As they go to fight the Enders Faith mentions Spike is more like Angel. Spike immediately latches onto the idea of them being gay and is enraged, but his comments only make it worse. After the fight Faith reveals needling him about Angel and Buffy was for motivation, since Spike was concerned about how much of a threat the Enders were. He thinks she only said it to piss him off and fight better:, nope, meant every word.
- Despite being the last person to give advice Faith suggests Spike will get laid when he gets over Buffy. He enthusiastically agrees and claims he's over her, right now.
A stake I think. Stakes are quick. Though walking into sunlight and '''going down in flames''' seems an apt metaphor.
- With Faith keeping Spike at heel he tries hitting on Giles' aunts, who also reject him on account of being too much of a Nice Guy and having a soul.
Harmony: You're out of hot water.
- And to add to his woes he has to watch a crazed Angel. He starts by blaming everything on Angel and using him as a life sized puppet to mock him and because he got a soul Spike went and got one too like a wanker, then blaming Buffy into wanting a good man and when Spike became one thinking he was boring until Angel wakes up and reveals he was listening to Spike whine.
- Spike claims his words were all a ploy to help Angel recover, just like Faith did. Because Spike did help Angel gives him a phone number, whose Faith finds out when she threatens to make Spike eat his jacket if he uses all the hot water.
- Angel got Spike to call his ex, who took Faith's robe. When it's pointed out Harmony promptly takes it off, but Faith no longer wants it. Angel's rather embarrassed about setting them up but it's quickly forgotten when Harmony finds the shackles and calls for Spike, who comes running out the shower as Faith screams for him to put a towel on.
- Faith grills Angel on not bringing Daniel Craig back for her who Buffy had brought up a few times wanting to do,) but he maintains it would be sleazy even though that was perfectly okay for Spike and Harmony. Instead he takes her out for breakfast, hoping the sunlight will get him after having to hear Spike's antics.
- Angel, Faith, and Giles' aunts are able to finally resurrect him. There's just one problem: His aunts were so vain pictured him as a twelve year old boy. They stare, and they stare, then he looks in a mirror to see Harry Potter. Who stares down Faith's top when she inquires if it's really him, before she notices and looks like she's going to thump him. As Giles puts it..."Bugger. What have you idiots done?"
- Young!Giles finds Faith for a pep talk and apologizes for staring inappropriately, which she brushes off as him being a hormonal twelve year old, prompting a temper tantrum that he's not before noticing her bemused smile at him acting exactly like a twelve year old. She give him a hug, then... well...he gets a stack of quarters.
I'm a grown man, damn it all! I wear Saville Row clothes and drink Darjeeling tea and appreciate the nuances of Dostoyevsky in the original Russian! I am not some flighty, hormonal child who believes the world revolves around him and throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way! (notices Faith trying not to laugh at the Hypocritical Humor) Um. (beat) That would have sounded better if my voice hadn't cracked.
- Perhaps the best/worst/most embarrassingly hilarious part? Giles simply cannot reconcile the Quintessential British Gentleman he thoroughly enjoyed being with the Hormone-Addled Teenager he has become, and makes repeated rants to that effect... which come off as teenage temper tantrums.
- Young!Giles finds Faith for a pep talk and apologizes for staring inappropriately, which she brushes off as him being a hormonal twelve year old, prompting a temper tantrum that he's not before noticing her bemused smile at him acting exactly like a twelve year old. She give him a hug, then... well...he gets a stack of quarters.
- The preview for Angel & Faith #4 suggests that Faith is screwing up. Again. As in, "Faith screws up. Must be Tuesday."
- Dracula treats Xander like a spurned lover, and gets pissy when he acts like he can control thunder and lightning only for Xander to tell Dawn he simply knows when it will strike.
- Same comic, Dawn scoffs at the idea of willing things to happen, thinking if it was that easy she would be Black Widow. This leads to the revelation she and Xander dress up in things like Pirates of the Caribbean for sex, much to Buffy's horror.
- Also from Buffy 10 3, Xander is having aged 12! Giles play XBOX, and trying to instruct him on the bad things to do in the game. Never mind that he lets a twelve year old Giles play Grand Theft Auto, he's trying to get him to kill hookers for money.
- Dracula steals the book to take control of magic and its effect on reality. His first entry? Make himself genuinely look young again, not just his glamor. His second? All vampires refer to him as their Lord. Spike is not happy about that one.
- Andrew tries to fix the book after Dracula accidentally turns himself into an Old One. First he tries a retcon, and the book rejects it. Then he tries claiming It Was All Just A Dream and the book rejects it.Xander: The book really doesn't like cliches, either.
- Issue five has Willow fly a priest to the top of a skyscraper to bless it in order to turn the giant spire into a giant stake for a vamparic Old One.Priest: There's normally a bit of ceremony...
Willow: No offense, but I'm a Jewish Wiccan and we're all about to die!
Priest: Bless this building and all who use it-
Willow: GIANT VAMPIRE COMING RIGHT AT US!
- Issue #7, "I Wish", has Spike and Xander briefly enslaved by evil mermaids. Then the hypnosis wears off...Xander: Hey. Why am I so upset? Why am I practically naked? And why am I horsy riding— [Beat] We will never speak of this again.
Spike: Bloody well right.
Xander: How are your muscles so hard and your skin so soft?
- Issue 11 has the compulsory Take That! jab at Twilight. It's actually pretty funny.Spike: "But you're not sparkling!" Well, excuse me. I'll shove some pop rocks up me arse.
- Buffy speed-dating in the same issue was also pretty funny.
- Spike is less-inclined towards kitten poker these days, and manages to win the litter to spare them... and then brings home with him.
- Xander and Dawn trying to make up excuses for the noises they're hearing from Xander and Spike's apartment being anything other than rough sex. The agreed idea? Buffy and Spike are "making sandwiches".
- Xander knows exactly what his maquettes smashing sounds like.
- Spike and Buffy are initially confused about what it means that the bit of a demon who starts a line of vampires resides in each vampire in the line, thinking it means each vampire is in some way the same person (instead of an amalgam of the person they were and the demon).Buffy: Angel... and Spike? I literally fell in love with the same guy twice?
Spike: Wait, Dru too? I shagged myself?
- When they have to call Angel in, Spike is in a bad mood. Kid!Giles tells him to try and rise above it, and conduct himself with "grace and maturity" when making the phone call. Spike seemingly agrees as he dials...Spike: Hello, wanker.
Angel You'd think I would have blocked your number by now.
- Lavinia and Sophie are discussing how women are supposed to keep up appearances and look glamorous. Cut to Faith looking completely hung over. Later when Fred returns they again address this concerned the problem is spreading, with Faith and Fred looking like they had been up all night and in desperate need of sleep, or at least a shower and change of clothes.
- Preparing to fight the Big Bad, Dawn is in charge with handing out the arms. Never mind the Bratty Half-Pint being seen as the most mature of them and demanding they behave, Giles tells her not to be ridiculous before the group realizes that each of them have fought each other.Spike: Just give us the bloody weapons.
You were in?
- Andrew comes up with the idea of using radios to keep in contact, shaped like bananas for... some reason. He brings up to Angel that he's out of the closet. Angel's reply?
I used to be this brooding, tortured mess. Racked with guilt. Half the time withdrawn from the world, the other half jumping into these crazy, grand gestures—that would inevitably gonna blow up in my face--to try and make up for everything I'd...I'm gonna go guard the rear.
- Later Willow suggests to Angel A Shared Suffering and that he and Spike are Not So Different, naturally causing him to get hyper defensive as well as put his foot in it.
- Spike finally comes up with a difference between him and Angel while taking to Buffy: he's British while Angel is Irish.
- Buffy, Spike, and the Magic Council teleport to Buffy, Dawn, and Willow's apartment... while Dawn has a study group over.
- Dylan, Spike's sorta-Love Interest from Into the Light shows up. Spike quickly tries to put his cards on the table by telling her he's currently dating Buffy... and Dylan laughs at him, asking if he really thought she was chasing a guy she knew for two days. She actually just wanted to catch up and see if he wanted to come to her art show.
- How does the group catch up to D'Hoffryn after he teleports away in the finale? Dialogue implies Spike wrote a sonnet in the book about Dawn's key power over portals working on Earth. Given he jokes on his being a "crap poet" later in the issue, one can only imagine what that sonnet says.
- Even better, when D'Hoffryn is trying to offer the group wishes based on their wants that have been showcased throughout the season, he gets to Andrew... and has no idea what his name even is.Andrew: It's Andrew! Andrew Wells! I've been here the whole time!
- Even better, when D'Hoffryn is trying to offer the group wishes based on their wants that have been showcased throughout the season, he gets to Andrew... and has no idea what his name even is.
Animated Adaptation pilot
- Buffy twirling her stake and hitting herself in the head.
- Giles calls Willow and Buffy to talk to them.Willow: Giles sounded all scowly, Buffy. Do you know what's up?
Buffy: Willow, short of the apocalypse, nothing's gonna keep us from that party tonight.
Giles: Ah, Buffy. Good. We're having an apocalypse.
- Giles goes from explaining about the apocalypse to despairing about the lack of attention without missing a beat."Morgala's exact nature eludes us but we have narrowed it down to not listening to a word I'm saying."
- Buffy, Willow, and Xander are all talking about the party.Willow: Of course, Cordelia already made me insecure about what to wear...
Buffy: You should wear that red skirt.
Giles: Ooh! But gosh! What'll happen if you and Cordelia are wearing the same color? It'll be, you know... a thing!
Xander: ...I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you're making fun of us, Giles.
- This bit:Buffy: It's okay, Giles, don't go all coronary on us. We'll find the followers of Morgan Freeman...
- Buffy sees a control panel of some sort which is obviously malfunctioning, electricity shorting out and everything. So she tries to use it anyway, only to be thrown back twenty feet and through a window.
- In ''Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds' Faith admits she uses stakes as sex toys. Funny on its own but it pays off big time in the comics.
- "Right. Let's give this a whirl. Oh eternal and all powerful Lord, to whom the darkness itself bows down, from whom flows the damnation of humankind...who writes this dross?"
- Xander remarks on Buffy saying that "maybe now we can start enjoying our evening." He's not even finished lampshading her statement being a cue for the gods of irony when the vampires break into the Bronze.
- Cordelia's utter disdain for Angel's HeelFace Revolving Door tendencies, after the Master's ghost hijacked his body.Cordelia: Oh, whine, whine, whine. You wanna know what it's like to be used? Date a quarterback.
- This exchange before Buffy heads off to Angel's mansion.Cordelia: Thats right! Trot off to the lair of your broody Jekyll and Hyde demon lover in the middle of a crisis. Hmph. Talk about priorities.Buffy: The last time demons attacked the library, you and Xander were busy canoodling on Giles desk while the rest of us tried to avoid decapitation!Giles: Good lord, can we PLEASE stay out of the librarians office? And what happened to my antique letter opener? I had assumed one of the Fraxis demons took it, but... perhaps I dont want to know.