Funny: Joueur du Grenier

Joueur du Grenier reviews

  • From the Total Recall review.
  • "Gudis, 120,000 tons! Well, damn, pal, this is about 12 times the weight of the Eiffel Tower!"
  • "Oh, what the fuck is that? I'm chased by a walking Big Mac?!"
  • About Jurassic Park: Trespasser: "Why, among three billion women, the only one who happened to land on the island is a nutcase who keeps hearing voices and has fucking Chelsea buns for hands???"
  • The whole intro of the Batman & Robin review:
    JdG: (with a The Dark Knight Saga Batman voice) I remember that day. That movie. This is where everything began. I had never seen such a piece of crap! (shot of the cinema screen showing an advertising for a movie titled "Such a Piece of Crap") But I digress, for the worst in that evening was still the movie. It was outrageous. I couldn't believe my eyes... or something like that. And in their madness, a game was created with that movie! This was the day I decided to become a legend, a symbol for society, and to have an exaggeratedly deep voice! *cough* I became... er.... (various animals, including a spider, ducks and a wolf pass; eventually he seems to decides himself) I am... DUCK-MAN! The retro video game reviewer!
  • The dubbing of the dying scorpion, in the Excalibur 2555 A.D. review.
  • When adressing the problem that the speed in Road Runner's Death Valley Rally forces you to go slowly, which goes completely against the idea of the Road Runner character, he imagines a Mario game where you can't jump without dying:
    (imagines Mario jumping and hurting himself)
    Mario: Mamma Mia, I broke my leg!
    Luigi: Mamma Mia, Mario, you fell down! Here, take this mushroom!
    Mario: But I don't want a mushroom, you asshole, I broke my fucking leg! Go get me a doctor!
    JdG: Well, that would be pretty original...
  • JdG puts in a game. The Infogrames logo appears. JdG emits a brief girly shriek.
  • His own abridged version of Yu-Gi-Oh!.
  • His parody of what a typical episode of Pokémon is like, with One Piece figurines as the characters, Godzilla as Pikachu, and a potato as the Pokémon that Team Rocket is trying to steal. It gets even funnier when Fridge Brilliance kicks in and you realize who "plays" who : Luffy is Ash, Nami is Misty, Sanji is Brock, and Robin, a former villain, is a Team Rocket member.
  • The Sustained Misunderstanding from the Platoon review, where he read it as Platon. Then this happens.
    Seb: Time is the moving image of unmoving eternity.
    JdG: Plato: Philosophy IN YOUR FACE.
  • From the James Bond Jr. video, he explains how awesome the My Little Pony game on GBA is, like going around talking to ponies, dressing up your pony so you can pimp her out on the sidewalks of the Rainbow City, keep a caterpillar in the air as long as you can... then he snaps out of it.
  • After explaining that the point of the Official Nintendo Seal of Quality was to prevent anybody from creating crappy or weird-ass games, he cuts to the 8-bit porn game Custer's Revenge and quips "Can't wait for the Kinect remake".
  • The episode about RPGs:
    • The intro, which gives us a hilarious parody of the Skyrim trailer:
      Old Wise Man's offscreen voice: The crappy games are already here. The legend told of their return. They could destroy the world... but there is one they fear; his foul language already defeated many games. His name is Joueur du Grenier; Swearborn!
      JdG: (dressed like the Dragonborn, screaming like if he was shouting) SON OF A BITCH!
    • Seb, dressed as a smith, complains that he lost his only hammer... While holding one, and wearing a toolbelt full of hammers. Even better, when JdG does the (implied to be incredibly hard) quest to get the hammer back, the reward turns out to be... a hammer.
  • The Captain Planet review starts with a echoey woman's voice saying, "It all started when the five Great rings were forged" set to The Lord of the Rings music. "One was given to the gingers, whose spots were only equalled by their missing souls. One was given to the race of the bimboes, evil creatures who—" *Record Needle Scratch*
  • During the review of Toilet Tycoon (in which you can build golden or emerald toilet bowls with silk or mink fur toilet paper):
    JdG: Argh, it's cold... Ouch, I just cut myself with the emerald toilets! Yuck, the paper is full of hairs, it's gross!
  • The Disney games review:
    • All of the songs are hilariously silly.
    • Shortly after one of these, there's a Shout-Out to The Lion King:
      Seb: You see Grenier, everything that basks in the light will be yours, one day.
      JdG: (beat) No shit, that's my house.
      Seb: One day, it will be yours.
    • In the Beauty and the Beast video game, he mentions that to go to a section you have to charm Gaston to do the job for you. Or has he put it, playing the tease, leading to that:
      JdG: This generation of whores is brought to you by Disney.
      Girl: I'm a princess, bitch.
  • From the Anti-Terror Force review:
    • There's his reaction to the oddly unfitting Game Over theme, which could totally work as a segue theme in girly shows like Hélène et les Garçons.
    • On the topic of unfitting music, he also mentions how strange it is that the music, on top of that, changes randomly whenever the player shoots an enemy, which leads to a parody of a commercial for MAIF (a French insurance company).
    • Earlier, after encountering a strange glitch:
      JdG: Whoa, shit, my arms went on their own, I guess I wasn't supposed to move during the cutscene. Sorry, my bad!
    • Very early into the video, JdG talks with a villain played by Doug Walker over the phone. When the villain asks if JdG remembers what happened six episodes ago, and JdG answers that he doesn't, the villain replies, "Well then, I'll remember it... so you don't have to!" Both them and Seb then wink repeatedly at the camera.
    • The Stinger to the video: a random dance number with JdG, Seb, Bob Lennon, Doug Walker, and several other French webtesters.
  • From the game sequels episode:
    • When discussing how Alex Kidd in High-Tech World has nothing to do with its predecessors, he says that it would be like putting Kratos in a Professor Layton game. Cue still-shots of Kratos winning a puzzle in the same manner as in a Layton game, complete with grunting at the end.
    • Later, as he mentions how ridiculous it is to get a Game Over by simply putting on a piece of armor, he imagines himself putting on the Pegasus armor Saint Seiya-style, before falling flat on his face because of its weight.
    • When he remembers how he got Alex Kidd in High-Tech World, it cuts to a flashback where he is given the game by The Grim Reaper himself. After he leaves, he stays silent for a while, then says "Sweet, a free game!"
  • From the second Fighting Games episode:
    • About Street Fighter I...
      JdG: On the other hand, against another player, once you have mastered the Hadoken technique, well, it's fine, you've won, because every hit takes away half of the lifebar.
      Of course, when I say "mastered", in truth I mean: "when by sheer luck you manage to pull out one after having sexually assaulted your cabinet for several minutes."
      (shows Seb doing exactly that)
      JdG: At least, from the back it's what it looks like.
      Seb: HEY!
      JdG: It's a voiceover, you're not supposed to have heard that.
      Seb: Ah, okay.
    • "Fighting your... kebab-selling clone from Namek."
    • JdG imagining what Ken Bogard would be like if commenting Street Fighter I.
      Ken Bogard: And it starts, Tiger Knee and then... end.
    • The whole Panty Fighter segment:
      • "Warning: the next few minutes feature scantily-clad women, so the next ten seconds will be of me eating applesauce so young children and feminists can leave. (beat, doing exactly that) You're still here, aren't you."
      • I wonder how they did the ads for this game. "Do you like tuning music? Do you like tits? Do you like Greek Mythology? Then Bikini Karate Babes is made for you!"
      • Suggestive noises can be heard, like a rapid "flapping" sound (Seb dealing cards one at a time really fast) or zippers (one of the guys zipping up his sweater). Then another zipper is heard, and this time it's not a sweater (during the game where you fight with construction vehicles)...
  • Superman 64, Aquaman and Batman Forever games review:
  • The Home Alone game review:
    • It starts with a scene where Seb runs to a con, and forgets to bring Fred (the eponymous Joueur du Grenier) along. Fred initially decides that he doesn't need any help or cameos to review games, and starts filming himself, while holding Seb's mike and headphones. He goes back on his word really quickly, and gets a talking sock named Jean-Louis to help him. Cut to Seb at the con, clutching his heart:
      Seb: Urgh, I suddenly feel terribly insulted... Oh, never mind, it's just a heart attack! (smiles as he falls over and passes out)
    • While reviewing the NES game, he mentions the Unfortunate Implications with two grown men running after a little boy to people who haven't seen the film. He adds a scary music to the burglars actually catching up with Kevin, transitioning into the game's Game Over screen with a Big "NO!".
      JdG: (with an awkward, frozen smile) No, I'm not gonna make that joke.
      Jean-Louis: Can I make it then?
      JdG: No!
    • Though he does end up making one later, when he mentions how ridiculously fast the enemies are compared to the player:
      JdG: (with Psycho Strings) Run, kid! Run for your life! Run for your ass!
  • The second RPG episode:
    • Video game RPGs are obviously superior to pen-and-paper RPGs, due to not needing to learn the rules, or gather the players, or have friends...
    • Virtual Hydlide: "As fun to play as someone farting in your mouth in Slo Mo."
    • Watch Fred fall apart as he realizes his character suffers an encumbrance penalty due to carrying too much gold. Then keeps dying of hunger. Then deal no damage due to not getting enough sleep. Sounds like your average Rogue Like, only someone got all proportions wrong when mixing the recipe.
    • The LOTR game has a sequence where Artificial Stupidity is highlighted first by switching the music from the full-orchestral version of The Lord of the Rings theme to a kazoo cover, then with the incredibly apt "Entrance of the Gladiators".
    • Wizard!Seb trying to convince Bob Lennon to help Fred and him... by rubbing money all over his face.
      Bob: Mmmh, your magic is powerful, wizard. I'll help you.
      (beat as Seb keeps rubbing money on Bob's face anyway)
      Bob: Alright, you can stop no— (gets money shoved inside his mouth)
  • Instruments of Chaos Starring... Young Indiana Jones review:
    • Grenier's denial:
      JdG: And if you happen to be young one and haven't seen [the Indiana Jones movies] yet, then just give up on this video and go watch them right now, I authorize you, it's really one of the best ever trilogy of cinema.
      Seb: Quadrilogy.
      (JdG fires a hand cannon)
      JdG: You'll have to cut my balls with rusty shears drenched in vinegar before I'd admit that the fourth movie is part of the saga!
    • The scorpion sound-effect guy makes a reappearance.
    • "I'm still wondering which button does what and the game's already terraforming my asshole!"
  • The Valentine's Day special:
    • The obvious replacement of February for March.
    • This porn games review lets you know what you're in for when the intro sequence has a girl and tentacles behind a tree.
    • "Mashed potato attack! Mashed potato attack, god fucking damnit!"
    • The various "bros" cutaways.
    • The Brad Stallion game. JdG ends up having to take a Shower of Angst after part of the game involves screwing a sheep.
      (Sexophone starts playing)
      JdG: Lord, forgive me for what I'm about to do.
      (Relax-o-Vision starts playing over his screams)
    • The Long List of porn games (set to an instrumental version of Billy Joel "We Didn't Start the Fire"), which abruptly ends when JdG is arrested by a cop in the middle of a sentence.
  • Takeshi's Challenge:
    • The video is also a parody of various anime and manga tropes, so the intro and various sequences are done this way and are glorious to watch. Grenier making a dramatic gesture in goggles and a swimcap may cause you to lose your ability to breathe.
    • The live-action scenes where Grenier beats the shit out of his family.
    • The beat as the game freezes when "stare" is used.
    • This quote near the end:
      JdG: I've killed my children, beat my wife, quit my job, fought yetis, skeletons, pirates, blue pizzas, pink scorpions, flying armadillos, will-o-wisps, but I will finish this piece of shit!
    • The massive buildup as everyone encourages him to finally finish the game... and the A Winner Is You moment that follows... and the You Suck message after it.
  • Cool World games review:
    • The extended Ha Ha Ha No scene at the beginning.
    • This analogy for non-standard control schemes:
      JdG: It's like ass-fucking your own cousin: it's just not done.
    • An enemy that requires precise timing and placement to defeat, not helped by its tiny size. Fred finds a Giant Mook version, comments that at least this one is easier to hit... and it splits into four of the tiny ones.
    • The Dance Dance Revolution Bonus Stage that requires miming using a vacuum cleaner.
    • "And, when it's full, you have to empty the pen (In French, "le pen" sounds exactly like the name of a notorious family of right-wing politicians). (Beat). Okay, from now on, I'll say "stylo" (a French word for "pen")." Seconds later, " you have to empty your stylo... yep, that still sounds gross."
    • "I'M ON MY PERIOD !" when, in the movie, the building on wich Holli is atop is dripping blood.

Joueur du Grenier specials

  • The girly cartoons special:
    • His reaction to Hashizo from Ai Shite Night getting slapped is hilarious. The whole fucking world rejoices.
    • A little while later, when he finds out that this same manga got a live-action adaptation in Italy:
      JdG: My god... Oh my god... What have we done? (empties a jerrycan of gasoline all over himself)
      Seb: Hey, wait, don't you still have a few cartoons left to review?
      JdG: What's the next one?
      Seb: Um, I think it's Lady Georgie!
      JdG: (frantically tries to light up a match)
    • "So, you take the four pinkest and cutest anime ever, what would happen?" Answer: Tentacles! "JAAAPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!"
  • There's a ton in his boys' shows special, but to name a few:
    • There's "Colissimo no Densetsu", a fake anime about mail delivering that parodies some Shonen animes' tendency to overexaggerate mundane stuff. It gets funnier in hindsight when you realize a manga about mail delivering actually does exist!
    • There's also his reaction to the Sudden Downer Ending of the first season of Magical Princess Minky Momo, especially the morbidly funny version of the anime's French theme song, played right after the main character is run over.
    • He also mocks an over-the-top scene in Mister Ajikko by making the main character's meal so delicious it actually summons Shenron.
      Shenron: (in an ominous voice) Who just cooked a kickass meal?
    • As he's introducing the subject of the video...
      JdG: In short, you get the point, after the girls' shows special, it's time for the boys' shows special.
      Seb: You mean Hentais?
      (cut to a rather risqué clip involving a girl getting assaulted and screaming all the way)note 
      JdG: (without changing his facial expression) Erm, no.
    • When mentioning how irresponsible the M.A.S.K. agents are for basically dropping whatever they're doing on the spot whenever they are summoned, they cut to a fake clip featuring a firefighter in the middle of saving people. The firefighter instantly drops the person he's saving and leaves as soon as he gets the alert. It's made even better by the famous Wilheim scream.
    • As he notes that the G.I. Joe cartoon can be pretty stupid at times, he cuts to a clip of the actual show, showing the team making themselves a makeshift spacesuit with plastic trash bags, a fish bowl, and cans of soda for propulsion. He then quips:
      JdG: Tomorrow kids, with a plastic lung, some semi-thick whipped cream and a VHS tape of Speed 2, we will travel through time!
  • From the superheroes special:
    • On Captain Planet's Very Special Episode about drugs, after the blonde girl's cousin slips drugs in her taco:
      JdG: No really, I don't get it, what reason could there possibly be for a guy to give drugs to his attractive, blonde cousin?
      (ten seconds of Death Glare in absolute silence)
      JdG: ...You sicken me.
    • After watching the Japanese TV adaptation of Spider-Man, JdG is so pissed and annoyed that instead of summing it up, he goes outside and slaps a young Japanese woman.
    • During the Batman: The Movie review, the bat-ladder scene (at 12:49):
      JdG: They decide to jump on [the boat] using the ladder that—
      Seb: No! The bat-ladder.
      JdG: It's only a ladder as you can plainly see. (close-up on the "bat ladder" label)
      (JdG is speechless as Seb nods)
    • Then there's the reaction to the stupid and... strange way Batman and Robin were saved from an incoming torpedo at sea: a porpoise got in its way and was killed instead of the heroes, all of that offscreen. Everybody is horrified, including the scriptwriter, who shoots himself.
      JdG: Back to the shore, Batman phones the admiral to know if he has sold a submarine recently. (beat) A porpoise?!
    • The increasingly stupid Bat Deductions that cause Batman to drop in rank from the best detective in the world to a worse detective than Columbo, Inspector Gadget, and even Scooby-Doo.
  • From the sports cartoons special:
    • As he's talking about Attacker You!, he mentions how the main character, though remembered as a cute young girl, is actually a Jerkass. When she harshly and loudly reminds her adopted six-year old brother that they're not really siblings...
      JdG: I am not your sister! Your parents are dead, you got that?! Because of you!
    • At the end of the episode, he mentions that she does have a redeeming quality: she stood up against her coach and his abusive manners to protect the other girls in the team, which means she's not so bad after all.... Cut to a clip of her threatening to drop her brother from high atop a building, to persuade him to learn how to swim.
      JdG: All right, never mind, she's a bitch.
  • The second FAQ video:
    • There's a blooper where a cat is heard meowing during a take. He rolls with it.
      JdG: Shut up, the temp. Shut up.
      Cat: Meow.
      JdG: (exact same tone) Shut up, the cat. Shut up.
    • The whole episode has him answering weird and/or stupid questions in equally weird and/or stupid ways. When someone asks him what the best kebab joint near JdG's house is, he responds by doing an elaborate and cheesy spoof commercial for his favorite local fast food, complete with techno music in the background.
    • Later, someone asks him when's dinner. Cut to a grinning JdG pulling a kebab out of nowhere while the same techno music plays.
  • From the TV commercials special:
    • The whole part where JdG is breaking down from a commercial where two men are singing about giving a "certain surprise" to one of the men's wife. Starting with the reveal of the "certain surprise".
      JdG: Alright, just for a moment. What do you think this ad is talking about? What will he pull out of his desk? A jewel? Clothes? Perfume? A noodle necklace?
      (the man pulls out toilet paper, they continue singing)
      (the screen goes back to a panicked JdG, with the words "WARNING SHADY GUY" blinking while an alarm is blaring)
    • The part where he is imagining giving TP to his girlfriend.
      JdG: Happy Birthday, Sweetheart.
      JdG's girlfriend: This is nice! I love taking a shit!
    • And the breakdown itself.
      JdG: Dammit, stop talking about your wives' shit, especially you Clark Kent, I don't know you but you don't have a wife and if you did, you look like the guy who killed her and ate her! And then, I don't know your wives and the last thing I want is imagining my girlfriend taking a dump and... for fuck's sake, stop trying to make a musical about something whose main use is to wipe your ass with!
    • When mentioning how the Santa's Hotline number in France kept changing, he wonders why and tries to call him...
      Santa: Ho ho ho, hi there, this is Santa Claus! I'm in the North Pole, but I can't talk to you for too long, because those bad guys at the FBI will triangulate my positio—
      (police sirens and helicopter sounds)
      Santa: Go fuck yourselves already! You'll never get me alive, ya assholes! And hands off my sleigh!
      (we hear him cocking and shooting with a shotgun, then laughing again)
    • The entirety of the Super Moses commercial. Complete with Large Ham announcer, bad dialogue, and horrible, horrible puns.
      Je vais ouvrir ta mer en deux! (Gonna split your sea/your mother in half!)
      Tu vas en bouffer, de la terre promise! (You're gonna bite the promised dust!)
      Le plus grand de tous les Hébreux! (the greatest Hebrew of them all!)
  • When the TMNT concert goes "backstage", he notes that the guitar has only one note and the others are making random movements with their instruments... and proceeds to demonstrate what it would actually sound like.

Papy Grenier

  • The "GoldenEye" Papy Grenier is full of them:
    • The live-action splitscreen of "slappers only" multiplayers takes the cake.
    • "In fact, now that I think about it, it was strange. Everything exploded! The chairs, the furniture, the desk lamps, even the plastic toy cars blew up when you shot them! It's as if Michael Bay was working for IKEA!"
    • The third-person view of Bond dancing around Natalya.
    • "But you're too young to understand weapons, you'll have to wait until high school for that."
    • "Violence between friends is something you can't explain, you have to live it for yourself." With the Flower Duet played over two "friends" shooting each other with shit-eating grins.
  • The entire Papy Grenier episode about Zelda. One of the highlights focuses on the Deku Tree (here wearing a wig to remain anonymous) and the Unfortunate Implications behind his making little boys enter his body, where there's an entire dungeon, complete with spiders, and nuts to collect. This gets the attention of a policeman, who comes to arrest him, leading to...
    Deku Tree: You'll never get me alive!
    (beat, during which he realizes he can't run away, because he's a tree)
    Deku Tree: Goddamnit!
  • From the "Resident Evil" Papy Grenier episode:
    • Nobody calls Chris Redfield by his name. Not even the credits.
      Seb/"Gilles Valentin": Did you hear that, Barry?
      JdG/"Chris Redfield": I'M CHRIS REDFIELD, DAMMIT!
    • Their solution when they encounter a monster with tons of tentacles? Throw a Japanese schoolgirl at it to distract it. It's too busy... ahem, "attacking" her... to care about Chris and Gilles. There's obviously no visuals (except for Papy gesticulating and making slurping noises), but the kids listening to the story are understandably grossed out.
  • From the Final Fantasy VII episode:
    • "Well, let's see... Did I ever tell you about the time I was a soldier in a terrorist group? Four years before it was mainstream!"
    • Seb (as Barrett)'s minigun is an inflatable toy.
    • "Ah, I remember my team, there was my childhood friend, a big black guy with a machine gun, a mechanic, a florist, a ninja, a little cat riding a big cat, a vampire, and a talking dog."
    • "Let me tell you about Sephiroth, a guy who hated florists."
    • The in-game cutscene has Cloud gently let go of Aeris' body in the pool, then we see her sinking down several feet. Papy points out the Fridge Logic (how could the pool be that deep and yet let him stand), and we cut to the real ending, Cloud dumping Aeris' trashbag-wrapped body in a river.
      JdG/"Cloud": Shit, she's not sinking!
    • And then he chuckles, saying "I think I kept an ear, I've got it around here somewhere..."
    • "And even when you're indoors and think there's no more of the stupid critters to fight, you get jumped by the fucking furniture!"
    • Grenier, as Cloud, getting fed up with the incessant Random Encounters and summoning Bahamut Zero against... cows. The result seen from orbit:
      JdG/"Cloud": Worth It!
      (Earth-Shattering Kaboom)
      Seb/"Barret": Get fucked, man!
  • From his Mass Effect one:
    • What's the Destruction Ending ? shooting that arrogant child in the face of course! Before having Legion connect himself to the Reapers and make them self-destructing. Before havign a Dance Party Ending