- Cuddy has a good one. "Is the yelling designed to scare me? Because I'm not sure what it is I'm supposed to be scared of! More yelling? That's not scary ... to hurt me? That's scary, but I'm pretty sure I can outrun you."
- Another one from the pilot, while talking to one of his drop-in patients (who happens to be bright orange)House: Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair.
Orange patient: What?
House: You're orange, you moron! It's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she's just not paying attention.
- "Occam's Razor"
- House's introductory monologue to the clinic patients:House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg". I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a bored... certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will. [to Cuddy] That is true, isn't it? (turning back to the crowd) But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
- Cameron is annoyed an off-hand jibe about sex has sent Chase's mind into the gutter, so she when she runs into him alone, she takes the opportunity to fluster him with a short monologue about sex. For most of the monologue, she's standing quite close to Chase, who is trapped between her and a counter. He has a look of utter shock on his face, and his eyes just keep getting bigger and bigger and darting around looking for an escape route as she talks.Cameron: Sex COULD kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. You know that women can have an hour-long orgasm?
- House's introductory monologue to the clinic patients:
- "Damned if You Do"
- A nun with an ordinary rash on her hands thinks she's been blessed with stigmata. The matron who accompanied her actually thanks House for giving them a secular diagnosis, much to his surprise."Doctor House, if I break my leg, I believe it's for a reason. I believe God wanted me to break my leg. I also believe He wants me to put it in a cast."
- Then "So there I was, in the clinic, drunk! I reach into the drawer, close my eyes, grab the first syringe I can find...!"
- A nun with an ordinary rash on her hands thinks she's been blessed with stigmata. The matron who accompanied her actually thanks House for giving them a secular diagnosis, much to his surprise.
- Cameron: You really never did any drugs?
Foreman: Now this is gonna be a racial thing.
Cameron: Deflecting a personal question with a joke. Gee, who do I know that does that?
Foreman: Yeah, I'm just like him. Except for the angry, bitter, pompous, cripple part.
Cameron: Maybe we should all pitch in and get you a nice cane. You've already got the matching gym shoes.
- Foreman is later quietly distressed to see he and House are wearing the same shoes.
- An 82-year-old woman is told that the syphilis she contracted in 1939 has recurred, and treatment is a two-week course of penicillin.
- Near the beginning, when House talked to a stray Vicodin pill before swallowing it.
- House: There you are! Were you scared? Don't worry, you're home now. *gulp*
- House debating whether to tell Chase about his dad's cancer.Wilson: On the other hand, there's the "do unto others" thingy.
House: Well, then I should definitely tell him. I'd want to know.
Wilson: You want to know everything. There's also the keeping your promises thingy.
House: Oh, you never run out of thingies. Like that blonde thingy you were chatting up.
Wilson: She's the hospital accountant! We were going over billing procedures!
House: DOUBLE ENTRY BOOKKEEPING!!
- When House is questioned on why he doesn't simply ask Drs. Chase about their relationship:House: You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.
Wilson: Even I don't like you.
House: Hey, words can hurt!
- House's comeback here:Chase: How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?
House: I'd hate it. That's why I very cleverly have no personal life.
- "Baffling. Though I vaguely recall a disease called noomonia? Noomania?"
- "Tiny unicorns goring his bronchial tubes would be cooler."
- "Role Model"
- Wilson deduces that House redid the HIV test because Senator Wright actually convinced him he wasn't lying about his sex life. He's positively giddy.Wilson: House, I believe you're a romantic. You didn't just believe him, you believed in him. Do you want to come over tonight and watch old movies and cry?
- House wants to cut open the patient's spleen for the diagnosis.Cuddy: In the senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him.
House: Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.
Foreman: His brain is turning into mush, and he's at risk for more infections. We have to do it.
House: See, that'll sound much better in court.
- House's "endorsement" speech for one of Vogler's products doubles as a Crowning Moment of Funny and Crowning Moment of Awesome.
- Wilson deduces that House redid the HIV test because Senator Wright actually convinced him he wasn't lying about his sex life. He's positively giddy.
- "Kids":Cuddy: Good coffee? The rest of this hospital is busting its tail, and you're—
[House holds up a folder between his eyes and her low-cut blouse]
Cuddy: What are you doing?
House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
- "Love Hurts"
- House, Wilson, and a random patient are sitting in the exam room watching a baseball game while a bunch of people wait outside. Then the patient and Wilson start teasing House about his love life: "She's making you do her?!"
- Made even better when House leaves the exam room and Wilson and the patient can be heard singing "House and Cameron, sitting in a tree." House's response? "Grow up. And learn to harmonize."
- In the crowded lobby:Cuddy: I wanna run something by you.
House: [loudly] I will not have sex with you! [people stare] Not again! It was miserable that first time, all that desperate administrative need.
- From a S1 episode:Wilson: You can be a real jerk sometimes, you know that?
House: Yeah. And you're the good guy.
Wilson: At least I try.
House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
House: So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!
Wilson: We can release a single.
- This gem:House: Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
Cuddy: Are you high?
House: If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.
Cuddy: It's Wednesday.
- The clinic patient:
- This gem:
- In "Humpty Dumpty", House takes Foreman and Chase with him to search Cuddy's house. He pulls out a credit card and bets them twenty bucks he can get through the door in twenty seconds. They each accept, and he moves a planter to reveal a hidden key. The looks on their faces is classic.
- "TB or not TB"
- House has Foreman work on the weekly side patient in his stead (complete with his nametag.) When the patient complains about how rude "Dr. House" was, Cuddy demands that House apologize to her by the end of the day. House exploits the fact that the patient doesn't know who he is and that he's a cripple to milk some sympathy out of her, while making it look like an apology in front of Cuddy.(House walks past the patient and stubs their foot with his cane)
House: [faking a shocked expression] Oh my goodness, are you okay?
Patient: [notices cane] Yeah.
(Cuddy walks past)
House: I'm SO sorry, it was completely my fault.
Patient: It's nothing, I'm fine.
House: I- I'm very relieved, I feel terrible.
Patient: Please, don't worry about it; I'm fine.
House: You sure?
(A few seconds later)
Cuddy: How's everything?
Patient: I'm gonna go, my foot's killing me.
Cuddy: Oh, what did you do-
Patient: Oh, it's nothing. It was all my fault.
- After Sebastian decides to refuse treatment to bring attention to the epidemic in Africa, House starts getting phone calls from the media, and finally answers one: "In my opinion, Dr. Sebastian Charles is an idiot. Yeah, you can quote me. C-U-D-D-Y."
- Watching the event on TV, House notices Sebastian is sweating when he shouldn't be. He busts into the room and holds a camera light in Sebastian's face, and a cardiac arrest ensues. They get his heart going again, and because it's very important that everyone knows he's right, House sticks his face in the camera and tells them it's not TB. Cut to Wilson and Foreman calmly watching the whole thing (the latter is even eating chips). Wilson says, "Compelling television," and Foreman nods.
- House has Foreman work on the weekly side patient in his stead (complete with his nametag.) When the patient complains about how rude "Dr. House" was, Cuddy demands that House apologize to her by the end of the day. House exploits the fact that the patient doesn't know who he is and that he's a cripple to milk some sympathy out of her, while making it look like an apology in front of Cuddy.
- During DD:House: What makes a guy start drooling? [pause] Chase, were you wearing your short shorts?
- House gives the patient an injection.House: You are healed. Rise and walk.
Jeff: Are you insane?
House: In the bible, they just say, "Yes, Lord," and then start right in on the praising.
- Turns out the shot wasn't a permanent fix, it was just to prove the diagnosis right. It wears off, and Jeff flops comically onto the floor.House: This is exactly why I created nurses. Clean-up on aisle three!
- Turns out the shot wasn't a permanent fix, it was just to prove the diagnosis right. It wears off, and Jeff flops comically onto the floor.
- During DD:
- House vs. the Rat
- This bit with Wilson:Wilson: Who knows what else he has; parasites? Bacterial infection?
House: The kid doesn't have parasites.
Wilson: Not the kid, the rat!
House: Was he still sweating?
Wilson: Rats only sweat through their tails.
House: Not the rat, the dad!
- Mark walks in on House and Stacy washing dishes. House says "It's not what it looks like. I know it looks like we're washing dishes, but we're actually having sex!"
- "The Mistake": Cuddy appoints Foreman as House's new supervisor, and Wilson says, "I guess I'm his best friend now."
- House sees a clinic patient who is experiencing vaginal irritation because she "recently switched to the jelly."House: You have an infection. Gonna need a sample. [starts to take a swab from her vagina]
Patient: I brought the jar. [reaching into her bag to take it out]
House: No, I meant a sample of your— [looks up to see a jar of strawberry jelly] ......Okay. We have a neurological problem here.
Patient: There's something wrong with my brain...?
House: [Beat] Oh, yeah.
- With a bit of Funny Background Event in that the nurse assisting House has a look on her face showing that she completely agrees with him.
- Then this:House: Okay, I'm gonna give you some antibiotics, and you probably shouldn't have sex for a while.
Patient: How long?
House: On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend forever.
- House sees a clinic patient who is experiencing vaginal irritation because she "recently switched to the jelly."
- From "Need to Know"
- Outside Wilson's office door:House: [to Wilson] I know you're in there! I can hear you caring!
- And also "Cameron, I love you." [her mouth drops open, House takes swab] "Get your test results tomorrow."
- Outside Wilson's office door:
House: Bad news, your son has a filthy, unhealthy habit. Good news, he's trying to quit. Bad news, quitting is killing him. Good news, I can cure him. Bad news... no, that's the end of it.
- House is treating a young teen with very understanding and open-minded parents (let him smoke pot, makes sure he knows about safe sex, etc). He eventually discovers that his illness is partly related to cigarette smoking, which his parents DO get incensed over.
- The boy is also brought in originally because of third degree burns from a motorcycle accident. How does House prevent the burns from getting infected? Maggots, which suck up all the bacteria. Cameron's face as she applies them to the boy's torso is priceless.
- "Skin Deep"
- This exchange with House inside the MRI machine:Wilson: [via the mic in the MRI] HOUSE. THIS IS GOD.
House: Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?
Wilson: LET ME CHECK... OHH, I GOT A PLAGUE. WHAT ABOUT FRIDAY?
House: [grinning] You'll have to check with Cameron.
Wilson: OH, DAMMIT. SHE ALWAYS WANTS TO KNOW WHY BAD THINGS HAPPEN. LIKE I'M GONNA COME UP WITH A NEW ANSWER THIS TIME.
House: Quick, God, smite the evil witch!
Cuddy: Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?!
House: God, why have you forsaken me?
- House's leg pain has recently gotten worse, and with no evidence of a physical cause, Wilson, thinks it might be psychological, due to House's break-up with Stacy. House dismisses this.Wilson: Right. Giant coincidence that you've gone completely off the rails since she left. Inducing migraines, worsening leg pain—
[House whacks Wilson in the shin with his cane; Wilson screams and doubles over in pain]
House: Aww. You miss Stacy too?
- This exchange with House inside the MRI machine:
- Several exchanges between House and Wilson when Wilson moves in with his BFF.House: You blowdry your hair?
Wilson: Sorry, did I wake you up?
House: You blowdry your hair?
- Followed by...Wilson: Enjoying the salad?
House: There's no lettuce.
Wilson: I'm aware that there's no lettuce. Do you know when I obtained this knowledge? When I made it. For myself!
House: How was I supposed to know?
Wilson: Well, I was hoping [shows a post-it note on the cover saying MY LUNCH DO NOT TOUCH!!] this might tip you off...
- Several exchanges between House and Wilson when Wilson moves in with his BFF.
- Foreman starts to write on the board. House grabs the marker and says, "Sorry. There's a reason they call it the whiteboard."
- Foreman gets a good comeback in a minute later when House is stumped. "You wanna give me that black marker?"
- House putting Wilson's hand in a bowl of warm water as he sleeps on the couch.
- House's cane suddenly breaks. Completely deadpan, Wilson says, "Wow. Looks like somebody filed halfway through your cane while you were sleeping."
- As they sit together on the couch, Wilson says, "You might not want to sit exactly there."
- In "Sleeping Dogs Lie", House's clinic patient is a woman who only speaks Chinese, accompanied by her Chinese-American daughter who wants birth control pills and tries to claim that the mother is the one who needs them. House diagnoses her with "Stupid American Child" (along with a cold), and gives her prescriptions for both cold medication and the birth control pills. Later, the woman returns, complaining of enlarged breasts. House is dumbfounded at the girl's stupidity for mixing up the prescriptions, and the girl explains to her mother in Mandarin that House prescribed the wrong medication, which he fixes...and then tells the woman in perfect Mandarin, "Congratulations! You're going to be a grandmother!"
- "House vs. God"
- Boyd, the teenage faith healer, goes through this whole spiel about how people should go to faith healers instead of doctors. When he collapses, he immediately requests a doctor.
- "Gotta go. Building full of sick people. If I hurry, maybe I can avoid them."
- There's an interesting scene where House performs an MRI scan on a cadaver he shot in the face with a .38 bullet, just to see if he can safely perform such a scan on a patient with their own bullet fragments. The look on everyone's faces when they realize House has blown up the corpse's skull and ruined the MRI machine — just before said ruined machine shorts out the lighting — will have you howling with laughter.
- Even better, earlier in the same episode, just after shooting said cadaver, another doctor walks in on House and sees him with the gun (having heard a loud noise) and the corpse, upon which House says, "I shot him. He's dead." Absolutely brilliant.
- Best part is house's lines during the MRI scene. After Cuddy barges in and yells at him first for shooting the corpse and using it for this "test"House: You're mad that I put a bullet in the guy's head. Worst case scenario, all I'm going to do is take it out.
- After the bullet flies out and breaks the machine:House: Oops, my bad.
- And then later in the episode, when the patient begins bleeding from his bullet wounds, Foreman starts laughing. Everyone is shocked. He then says, "What? Nobody else finds this funny?" That whole episode has a lot of Black Comedy going on for certain viewers...
- Part 2, while mostly relatively sombre and generally depressing, tossed in a gem or two. Example:Foreman: I'd rather be disabled than dead.
House: Yes, I make it look oh so sexy. It's actually not as glamorous as it seems.
- Later in the same episode, House is bringing Foreman's father into Cuddy's office to guilt-trip her:Cuddy: House, uh, what is this?
House: He's not a what, he's a who! They even have the right to vote now!
- Two other examples from the same episode: Cameron tells Foreman there's no need for him to be mean, even though he's in pain. Cameron says "House is in pain." Foreman's response: "He's a delight."
- Then when House is talking to Foreman's dad. Mr. Foreman: "My son says you're a manipulative bastard." House: "It's a nickname. We call him Doctor Bling."
- In the clinic, House whips up a veritable storm (including pop cultural references) of puns to explain to a worried mother that her child does in fact not have epilepsy.
- In "Who's Your Daddy?" Cuddy says to House, "The guy who brought the girl in says he knows you. I thought I'd met all your friend."
- The DVDs of Season 2 contain in their bonus materials a re-take of a scene called "The Angry Valley Girl Version" of an argument between Dr. Cameron and Dr. Cuddy. Hilarity does indeed ensue.
- "Cane and Able"
- There is this exchange between House and Foreman as regards a high def television:House: Foreman, you gotta steal this thing for me.
Foreman: Let me ring up one of the homies.
- Also his continuing assertion throughout the episode that Cuddy is pregnant because her breasts are firmer.
- Foreman insults Chase during the differential, so House tells Chase to take a break to figure out a comeback. Chase stays silent for the rest of the session and at the end, pipes up with "Hey, Foreman. Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she's backin' up." And the other doctors' faces, which range from disgust to pity, just make it.
- Not to mention the "gangsta" hand gestures Chase attempts as he does it.
- There is this exchange between House and Foreman as regards a high def television:
- "Lines in the Sand"
- The Po W is an autistic boy with no symptoms other than he screamed.Foreman: I had a date last night. She screamed. Should we spend $100,000 testing her?
House: Of course not. This isn't a veterinary hospital. Zing!
- In the same episode:House: I want my old carpet back.
Cuddy: It was stained with blood.
House: Yeah, my blood. Which makes the carpet part of me. I want it back. I want to be buried with it.
- ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!
- "YOU CAN'T STOP OUR LOVE!!!"
- Trying to convince House that Ali is crazy, Cuddy claims the girl showed up at her house and came onto her. House doesn't buy it.Cuddy: She has a mole on her right breast, just below the nipple.
House: No, she doesn't.
Cuddy: You've seen her breasts?!
House: It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart. It went, "Greg-House, Greg-House, Greg-House."
- And House quoting Bogart's monologue at the end of Casablanca to "break up" with the girl, complete with her looking confused when he says she belongs with Victor (Lazlo).
- Also the bit of physical comedy: after he's taken the gas to calm the kid down, House gets up and promptly crashes into a cart on his way out of the room.
- House does his usual "stop the operation" bit, but bursts into the wrong operating theatre:House: HEY! Don't touch his eye!
Surgeon: This is an appendectomy.
House: Like I said. Don't touch his eye.
- The Po W is an autistic boy with no symptoms other than he screamed.
- In "Fools for Love"
- While Cameron is trying to discuss the case, House is more interested in the woman Wilson is talking to, resulting in a few funny exchanges:House: Seen her here before?
Cameron: [with a completely straight face] Couple times. I tried to follow her home, but she gave me the slip.
[Cameron attempts to continue talking about the case, and House walks out]
- After House returns, interrupting Cameron's sentence for the third time:Cameron: Swelling is—
House: Why is she hanging around here?
Cameron: Anyone interested in what happened with the swelling?
House: She's in ped's...
- Followed by:House If he's not hitting that, then why is she here?
Cameron Because I'm hitting that, and it's totally hot. [goes back to talking about case as House briefly loses his train of thought]
- Jeremy apparently comes down with the same condition as Tracy.Cameron: Married couple, same disease. They either got it from each other or in the same place.
House: Infectious or environmental. All we have to do is check out parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, radiation, toxins, chemicals, or it's internet porn-related. I'll check the internet, you guys cover the rest of the stuff.
- While Cameron is trying to discuss the case, House is more interested in the woman Wilson is talking to, resulting in a few funny exchanges:
- "One Day, One Room"
- One clinic patient stands out. House comments on how thoroughly groomed the patient's nose hairs are.Patient: Good grooming is important.
House: [looks at his rumpled clothes] Was that a shot?
Patient: People do judge you on your appearance. When you entered, I noted your shirt hadn't been pressed, you hadn't shaved in quite some time. I extrapolated you were a person for whom detail was not a major concern. I was worried you might apply that same standard to your work.
House: Do you use toenail clippers up there?
Patient: They're longer, so they allow me to better reach the upper hairs.
House: I am wearing a rumpled shirt and forgot to brush my hair this week. You've got athlete's foot in your nose. I'm ready to be judged.
- This quick exchange with Marco the pharmacist when a patient starts running around and screaming in the waiting room:Marco: Should I get a sedative?
House: No, I'm good, thanks.
- One clinic patient stands out. House comments on how thoroughly groomed the patient's nose hairs are.
- "Needle in a Haystack"
- The patient keeps developing new problems.Foreman: We plug one hole and end up poking another.
House: We talking about the patient or how to get a raise from Cuddy?
- The diagnosis is funny in its own right. The patient accidentally ingested a toothpick, which went undigested and pierced his intestines during a makeout session with his girlfriend.
- The patient keeps developing new problems.
- House gets into a pissing match with a patient with congenital insensitivity to pain.House: You can't feel pain! Nothing left but pleasure. Why don't you tell me how wonderful that is?
Hannah: It sucks.
House: Better than being in pain all the time. Get in the chair.
Hannah: Every morning, I have to check my eyes to make sure I didn't scratch a cornea in my sleep!
House: Oh god, stop. I'm in a pool of tears here.
Hannah: I can't cry!
House: Neither can I. Every morning, I check my eyes for jaundice, in case the vicodin's finally shot my liver.
Hannah: I can't run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling.
House: I can't run.
Hannah: Boys can't hold me for too long, because I can overheat.
House: Girls can't hold me for too long because I only pay for an hour.
Hannah: I need an alarm on my watch to remind me to go to the bathroom. Know how many humiliating experiences before I thought of that?
House: Bathroom's fifty feet from my office. Every drink of water, I weigh the pros and cons.
Hannah: After everything I do, I self-check: mouth, tongue, gums for cuts, count teeth, check temperature, fingers, toes and joints for swelling, skin for bruises.
House: I got shot.
Hannah: I sat on a stove when I was three. Wanna see the coil marks?
Hannah: You think I'm lying?
House: What, you think I just wanna check out your tuchus, as your people would say?
- And that last turns out to be a trick so he can sedate her.
- House gets into a pissing match with a patient with congenital insensitivity to pain.
- The team discovers that House has been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. As the episode goes on, each of them tries to talk to House about it. He simply rebuffs and ridicules their attempts while trying to refocus them on the case. Wilson is first, then Cameron, then Foreman, all getting very touchy-feely...finally Chase comes into House's office and House asks if it's his turn. Chase's response is a firm, decisive "I'm sorry you're dying. I'm going to hug you." He then gets a long hug in while House is too puzzled to protest.
- Later, House gets Cuddy to hug him...so he can grope her.House: One small feel for man, one giant ass for mankind.
- Then House starts to follow Cuddy back to her bedroom, and without turning around, she says, "Call the Make-A-Wish Foundation."
- In "Fetal Position", Foreman, Chase, and Cameron are crowded around something in the lab, staring at it in fascination.Foreman: This is definitely different.
[cut to reveal photo of House their photographer patient took]
Cameron: ...he's caring.
- As they return from a business trip, Cuddy complains about the $500 tab House ran up at the hotel on food, champagne, and porn, expenses she can't justify. When they board the plane, House is directed to his first class seat, but Cuddy finds she has been downgraded, saving $500.
- When the passenger across from House gets sick, the flight attendant asks if anyone is a doctor. House says, "Yes," then "I'll go get her." Then he takes his ribeye and wine and pretends he was never planning to leave Cuddy suffering in coach, and switches with her.
- When House tries to give instructions to Peng, he runs into a language barrier.House: Nobody speak Korean on this flight?
Cuddy: I assumed you did.
House: I know how to ask him if his sister's over eighteen. I don't think that's gonna help.
- "Act Your Age"
- The latest in the annals of stupid clinic patients. A guy comes in, says his symptoms, claims he can't urinate except at home, and comes back. House deduces that the patient is acting as a stand-in for a friend who doesn't have insurance. It's a free clinic.Patient: Am I okay? Is it diabetes?
House: No. You're pregnant.
- Not believing the case is worthwhile at first, House goes home and tells the team to check everything while the Po W is in surgery. Foreman and Cameron spend the night doing just that, while Chase goes home to sleep. The next morning, after it's clear the case is interesting, House calls the former idiots for having nothing to show, just a bunch of things the problem isn't. Chase walks in, fresh as a daisy, with the pathology report from the patient's surgery, providing useful information and getting praise from House. The reactions are the best.
- "Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?!"
- This one is really in Hugh Laurie's delivery.Wilson: It is possible to have a friend of the opposite sex.
- After Wilson and Cuddy go to a play together, Cuddy sends him flowers with a somewhat suggestive card. When he sees her, he flees like his ass is on fire.House: How was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?
Cuddy: What's up with Wilson?
House: He's just a little freaked.
House: I sent him flowers.
- Wilson tricking House into believing he slept with Cuddy.House: Seriously?!
House: You're a jerk.
Wilson: Night, House.
House: Night, Wilson.
- House goes to the kids' daycare to see if anyone else is going through puberty.House: [to a little girl, with the absolute creepiest look on his face] Do you have hair on your special place?
- The latest in the annals of stupid clinic patients. A guy comes in, says his symptoms, claims he can't urinate except at home, and comes back. House deduces that the patient is acting as a stand-in for a friend who doesn't have insurance. It's a free clinic.
- "House Training": House gives the team tests to run and says, "You won't find anything, but I'll get the office to myself. There's a lot of porn piling up on the internet. Doesn't download itself."
- When House spikes Wilson's coffee with amphetamines, Wilson almost doesn't take the bait simply because House bought him a cup of coffee and this clues him in that something funny is going on.House: Must you always suspect me of something?
Wilson: It's either that, or I accept the fact that you've done something nice. And then I have to deal with the horsemen and the rain of fire and the end of days.
- The punchline, of course, is that Wilson falls for it anyway, by taking House's cup of coffee... and House offered him the undoctored one.
- House hits on the nutritionist girlfriend of a clinic patient, and she applies for a job.Wilson: Oh, god, she's 26.
House: With the wisdom of a much younger woman.
- And the interview he has with a patient afterward...
- And Wilson confronting House about it afterwards.Wilson: I'm not on antidepressants, I'm on speed!
- When House spikes Wilson's coffee with amphetamines, Wilson almost doesn't take the bait simply because House bought him a cup of coffee and this clues him in that something funny is going on.
- In "The Jerk", Foreman's beeper goes off, and House guesses it's Cuddy.House: Sounded like someone with back.
- "Human Error"
- Chase points out that Cameron quit, but House got her to come back.House: Foreman's not as easy as Cameron, but of course, who is?
[camera zooms to Cameron sitting on the other side of the table, who slams down the file she's holding and looks annoyed]
Cameron: I'm in the room!
- Another gem:[House is listening to "Slippery When Wet" by The Commodores whilst air-guitaring on his flaming cane and singing along][Foreman and Cameron walk in, House switches off the music]
Cameron: Why'd you fire Chase?
House: Sure thing, first you tell me the results of the PET scan.
Foreman: Did you fire him for me?
House: Would you stay if I did?
Cameron: You asked him to fire Chase?
Cameron: You're frustrated with Foreman, so you lash out? Kick the Dog?
House: He's not gone 5 minutes and the name-calling starts. What's on the PET scan?
[Cuddy walks in]
Cuddy: Why'd you fire Chase?
House: Do you know what's on the PET scan?
Cuddy: You two, out. [Foreman and Cameron exit]
House: Whoa, wait! What's on the PET scan?
Cuddy: You can't dump your entire department just because you don't know how to deal with an issue.
House: Yes, they are all irreplaceable. If only this country had figured out a way to somehow to teach people to interpret PET scans.
[Wilson bursts in]
Wilson What the hell is wrong with you? You fired Chase?
House: I don't suppose you know what's on my patient's PET scan?
Wilson: I told you to show Foreman you have a heart, how does that translate to you being a bastard?
House: So that's a no?
Cuddy: Pick up the phone, and tell Chase you made a mistake. Un-fire him.
[House calls Chase]
House: Chase. If you know what's on the PET scan, call me back.
Wilson: Cut the crap.
Cuddy: Chase is a good doctor.
House: Sorry, you're in the wrong room. My name on the door, my team, my decisions.
Cuddy: My building, my floor, my people.
[the phone rings]
House: Hold that reprimand. House. Doctor Chase, how are ya? [beat] Thank you, you are indispensable. Um, you're still fired, sorry. [hangs up] Wow, that was awkward. PET scan revealed a blood clot in my patient's arm, which means goodbye. Still got two people working for me, got to get one of them to do my job. [he walks out]
- Chase points out that Cameron quit, but House got her to come back.
- When Cuddy is trying to get House to hire a new diagnostic team:Cuddy: Have you even interviewed anybody?
House: You test-drive a car before you buy it, you have sex before you get married. I can't hire a team based on a ten-minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them? [performs what can only be described as the guitar equivalent of a rimshot]
- Cuddy disconnects the guitar from the amp.Cuddy: You've spent the last two weeks doing absolutely nothing. Concert is over.
House: In what twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two-handed arpeggio technique count as absolutely nothing?
- House drafts the poor janitor into acting as his "team".
- House tricking Wilson into coming along to break into the patient's house.
- House discovers the patient's secret diary.House: It's basically a list of her sexual encounters. Boys, girls, vibrating appliances...
Wilson: If it was, you'd be quoting, not summarizing.
- House theorizes the patient is on MAOIs for depression.Wilson: So all you have to do is convince this kid that his girlfriend had a secret doctor, and a secret stash, and a secret life. It's been a while since a patient took a swing at you. Can I watch?
- House enters his office to find his guitar gone and a cut-and-paste letter posted to the wall. The phone rings and House picks up.House: Wilson, you idiot.
Wilson: [electronic voice] Listen carefully and no one will get hurt. [House puts the phone down and grabs his cane] You must follow these instructions. [in Wilson's office] Any attempt to contact the FBI or other law enforcement agencies or Cuddy will be met with— [House storms in] —and a large Coke. No ice.
House: Give it back.
Wilson: What happened? Did someone...kidnap your guitar? A $12,000 1967 Flying V? Or something?
House: Where'd you hide it?
Wilson: I'm flattered you would consider me this bold and brilliant.
House: No, 'cause it takes a cri— [notices Wilson's pretending to read a newspaper with bits cut out] It takes a criminal mastermind to pull off a heist from an unlocked, unguarded room down the hall. What do you want?
Wilson: Me? Nothing. But I'm sure the kidnapper wants what every kidnapper wants: To see you interview five to seven well-qualified fellowship candidates.
- Wilson gets a page which turns out to be fake. Quickly realizing who and why, he calls his own hotel room, where House is doing a search.House: What is El Fuego del Amor and why do you need ten of them?
Wilson: It's a...It's a telenovela. I'm learning Spanish.
House: Say adios.
Wilson: Are you erasing my TiVo?! House, not the season finale!
House: I don't negotiate with terrorists. I smoke them out of their hidey-holes.
Wilson: Do you know what terrorists do when you don't negotiate? They terrorize.
House: Bring...it...on. [tosses hotel phone out the window]
- This bit:Wilson: You ever tighten a guitar string really, really slowly? Past the point it can handle the strain? It makes this weird sound, almost like a scream. "E-EEEEEEEEEEEE-EE"
- Wilson tries to dig down to the real reason House won't hire a team (after all, he could ignore them).House: I have become a man of principle. I've gotten smarter. What answer will make Socrates shut up?
- House ups the ante by stealing one of Wilson's patients, moving him to a different room.House: If you feel sick, you call me directly, not Dr. Wilson. He's getting his last set of hormone shots.
- At the end, the case is solved, and House sits with his back to the door. When he hears it open:House: I did it all by myself, Mommy.
Janitor: You talking to me?
House: Go away. [janitor leaves, the door opens again a few seconds later] I did it all by myself, Mommy.
Cuddy: How'd you know it was me?
House: There's a scent given off by wounded, feral cats.
- When Cuddy is trying to get House to hire a new diagnostic team:
- "The Right Stuff"
- Three of the candidates are giving House their report while he's on the computer. One of them stares at the screen.House: Got a problem with the naked female form?
Woman: Not at all.
Thirteen: Maybe she's just not used to seeing it spooning with the naked dolphin form.
House: That's not a dolphin. It's a porpoise. There is a difference, you know. Salary, for one thing.
Thirteen: You want us to give you a minute?
- You laughed at the defibrillator-fireball too, admit it!
- The twins start arguing about diagnoses, and House says, "Stop it! This argument is distracting every male and lesbian here."
- Taub's response to being caught in a House-devised lie:Cuddy: [in her most dangerous tone of voice] Who is she?!
Taub: ...Osama Bin Laden.
- Three of the candidates are giving House their report while he's on the computer. One of them stares at the screen.
- "97 Seconds"
- "If your sex organs dangle, you're the Confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing, you're the Yanks."
- The nicknames House gives the candidates: Cutthroat Bitch, Big Love, Fat Twin, Ridiculously Old Fraud, and Overly Excited Former Foster Kid.
- This:House: HEY, WILSON! I'm gonna go cut some cripple's eye out! Wanna come watch?
Wilson: Good times.
- "Guardian Angels"
- When the newbies are ordered to dig up a dead body, Kutner looks positively jazzed.
- Dr. Cuddy meeting Amber, unaware of what the latter wants:Amber: I'm Amber Volakis, one of Dr. House's new fellows...
Cuddy: [instantly frowns; deadpan] Sexual harassment complaints go through HR, stress-related leave through Workers' Comp, any accusations of criminal activities go directly to the Princeton-Plainsboro police department.
- After the gravedigging adventure:Cuddy: The doctor's lounge covered in mud.
House: Thirteen and Cutthroat Bitch had a disagreement, and the cafeteria was out of Jello.
- There's a little bet between House and Cameron as to whether his needling will provoke a reaction from Cole.House: Big Love, have I humiliated you in the last half hour?
House: Check your email.
- "Mirror Mirror"
- House decides to make Cuddy's life miserable until she fires Foreman.House: [stands on chair in cafeteria] Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I have a regrettable announcement. The kitchen has just learned that our annual shipment of mayonnaise was improperly stored, so anybody who ate...well, the food should head across the lobby to the clinic right away. Ask for Dcotor Cuddy.
[People start heading for the door]
Foreman: You're not punishing Cuddy, you're punishing every doctor in the building.
House: It's her building, her doctors.
Foreman: [stands on chair] The mayo is fine. You can stay where you are. I'm a doctor.
House: Mail order. I've seen the diplomas. Two "n"s in "University".
[People resume heading for the door]
- Later, the clinic is still swamped with people.Taub: You risking our patient's life to get back at Cuddy?
House: What? No. That would be childish. This is what I'm doing to get back at Cuddy. [raises voice] Who here doesn't have any health insurance? [a number of patients raise their hands] Tch. Michael Moore was right. MRIs, PET scans, neuro-psych tests, private rooms for all these patients. Fight the power!
- After Cuddy replaces House's Vicodin with laxatives, "I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills?"
- House tells Foreman he got him a job in Boston.House: It's simple math. I'm not gonna back down, you're not gonna back down, Cuddy's not gonna back down. No one's gonna be happy here. And Cuddy's gonna end up pregnant.
- Since the patient who mimics the person he thinks is in charge, House and Cuddy compete to have him copy them.Cuddy: Hi. I'm the dean of medicine.
House: Hi. I'm the guy who saved your life.
Cuddy: I can fire him. I can fire him now. I can fire him tomorrow. I don't even need a reason.
House: She doesn't fire me, she never will fire me, she needs me.
Cuddy: He's a good doctor. That's all. I respect his expertise, and I...
House: She's hot for me. Always...
Patient: Shut up!
Cuddy: Well, that could have been either of us.
Patient: [looks at Cuddy] You have great yabos.
Cuddy: Still could have been either of us.
- House's end zone dance after is a thing of hilarity.
- House decides to make Cuddy's life miserable until she fires Foreman.
- "Whatever It Takes"
- Cole asks if the food is House's breakfast. House replies that, technically, it's Wilson's lunch.
- Kutner asks who the man in black is. House says, "We use the term 'life partner.'"
- "Fifteen minutes for the lap dance, a half hour to scrub the guilt off my soul. See you in forty-five."
- House tries to hit on Dr. Terzi. He offers her a job.House: You know, I happen to have a position available on my penis. [Beat] Wait a second—I think I screwed up that joke.note
- "You've gotta get down here. They've got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy's vagina. I told them the chances of invasion are slim to none, but...."
- House isn't too pleased to have a camera following him around.Cuddy: You think I like the cameras? You think I want the whole world watching you check out my ass and question my wardrobe?
House: Would it be better if I checked out your wardrobe and questioned your ass?
Cuddy: A little part of me—
House: There is no little part of you.
- Wilson has some fun during his interview.Wilson: Well, it's great how he rebounded from that setback.
Darnell: What setback?
Wilson: He didn't tell you about the...? Well, it's his right. Records were sealed. Personally, I think he was just tapping his foot and reaching for the toilet paper. Obviously, it was a witch hunt.
Darnell: Do you think they singled him out because...
Wilson: No, literally a witch hunt. Dr. House is a practicing Wiccan. It's a beautiful religion. It's very caring.
- House says, "I think I'm going blind." Wilson asks, "Hairy palms, too?"
- This bit:Wilson: Where did you get those keys?
House: Blue the janitor.
House: That's his name.
Wilson: His name is Lou.
House: I owe him an apology.
- The Spanish dub used Baloo.
- House calls the janitor "Blue" again three seasons later and is again corrected, this time by Cuddy, in "Fall From Grace".
- At the end of the episode, House and Cuddy are watching an early copy of the documentary he was in, which edited his smartass remarks to make him seem like a caring doctor who always puts his patients first and treats his staff with utter respect. House looks completely mortified.Cuddy: [after watching the early copy, wiping away fake tears] It's difficult not to be moved.
House: Oh, stop it. Suddenly I don't feel I can trust Michael Moore movies.
Cuddy: Where are you going? Kittens to get out of trees, deaf kids to read to?
House: I owe it to the world to make sure this evil never sees the light of day.
- House isn't too pleased to have a camera following him around.
- "You Don't Want to Know"
- This week's challenge:House: I need you to bring me the thong of Lisa Cuddy. [confused looks] Not kidding. Thong. Cuddy. Go.
[all the new ducklings look toward Foreman]
Foreman: It's how I got hired.
- This:Foreman: Um there's a guy bleeding—
House: Foreman, she's not wearing any underwear! You used to be more fun.
Foreman: She's not wearing any underwear, big deal. When she stops wearing clothes, then we can drop the medical stuff.
- And this:Taub: Tularemia.
Kutner: No, you'd have to have rabbits.
Taub: [looking at a cage full of rabbits] True. Maybe a tick jumped from a rabbit and landed on one of these white, fluffy alligators.
- This week's challenge:
- It's pretty funny when Thirteen casually calls Cutthroat Bitch an idiot and points out that she left a smoking addict alone in the bathroom with an oxygen tank, right before the explosion.
- Wilson's reaction to hearing punk rock music is to ask, "A profit-seeking entity released this?"
- "Dr. Cuddy, the face that launched a thousand long faces."
- "It's a Wonderful Lie"
- House expresses doubt, to say the least, at the patient's claim that she's not on drugs.Thirteen: She's not a liar
House: Okay, this is gonna be a tough case. I have almost no knowledge of alien physiology.
- Uncharacteristically, House takes the pro-lie position.House: Lies are like children. Hard work, but they're worth it, because the future depends on 'em.
Wilson: You are so full of love...or something. When you care about someone—
House: You lie to them! You pretend that their constant ponderous musings are interesting. You tell them that they're not losing their boyish good looks or becoming worn out and—
Wilson: I stand corrected. And may I say it's been a real pleasure chatting with you.
- House rigs the Secret Santa so everyone draws his name, to sow discord. Them finding out is fine with him, because he figures they'll argue over what to do about it, which they do.Wilson: Have you ever considered channeling your powers to, I don't know, bring peace to the mid-east?
House: I couldn't do that.
Wilson: But if they ever got it, you could screw it up?
House: Yeah, that's more where my powers lie.
- This exchange from when the team is trying to figure out where the bruises on the patient came from:Taub: Try bondage.
House: I did once. She just tied me down and whined about how hard it is to be dean of medicine.
- Later in that same episode, where House made a quick reference to his Fry and Laurie days while searching through the patient's e-mails:House: 4,300 saved e-mails and not a single mention of "lesbionic", "sanchez," or "man-gina."
- A lot of House's clinic people are One Scene Wonders, but the best is the one House identifies as a prostitute based on her necklace, where he offers to (and follows through with) writing her pimp a note. She returns with marks around her neck and he correctly identifies that she's in a donkey show. Despite this, he's almost flirting with her the entire time and she concludes the visit by telling him to drop by sometime.
- ...made even more hilarious by the reveal when House does stop by; she's playing Mary in a church Nativity pageant, the rash was from the donkey she rode, and the necklace, while being the patron saint of prostitutes, is also that of several other things.
- House expresses doubt, to say the least, at the patient's claim that she's not on drugs.
- Foreman disputes that House likes the patient.Foreman: He's annoyed by her, doesn't respect her as a doctor, constantly insults her.
Wilson: That's House's version of courtship.
Foreman: ...Oh, god, he's been wooing me for years.
- Wilson literally running away from House.
- When House is trying to get an answer out of the team.Kutner: I love you.
- Foreman disputes that House likes the patient.
- "Don't Ever Change"
- House notices some eerie similarities between himself and Amber.Wilson: House, you're right. Why not? Why not date you? It's brilliant. We've known each other for years. We've put up with all kinds of crap from each other. And we keep coming back. We're a couple.
House: Are we still speaking metaphorically?
- "Well, if you'd looked at me with those flashing eyes before I was involved...."
- Cuddy, on Wilson dating Amber: "Are you sure she doesn't wanna just take you back to her lair, hang you upside down, and deposit her eggs in you?"
- House notices some eerie similarities between himself and Amber.
- "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
- The ER is swamped, and the nurses are on strike.Cameron: Cuddy was looking for you. Said she'd send you down here.
House: I know. That's why I'm here.
Cameron: [beat] Because Cuddy hasn't found you yet.
House: She's gonna look everywhere except the place she wants me to be.
- House deliberate jabs the patient in the foot with his cane.Jeff: I'm sure it was an accident.
House: Is he Canadian?
Cameron: Uh, he's a low priority.
House: Is that a yes?
Cameron: He's just—
House: Happy. I gotta stop this before it spreads.
- Chase gives House an idea.House: Joint custody.
Amber: Of Wilson?
House: Unless we have another love child.
Amber: [to Wilson] Deal with him.
House: He needs a mother figure. I'm not saying you're not entitled to spend time with him. I'm just saying I'm entitled too.
[Amber looks at Wilson]
Wilson: I don't know how to deal with him when he's...being reasonable.
Amber: This is reasonable? This is crazy. You're not a child. You can make your own plans.
Wilson: No, crazy is what House would normally do in this situation—swap your lubricant with superglue.
House: The man knows me.
- Wilson leaves it to Cuddy to decide on the joint custody arrangement.Wilson: I'm gonna piss off one of them, and they both scare me.
- The ER is swamped, and the nurses are on strike.
- House to Wilson: "My ringtone for you is Dancing Queen by ABBA"
- And nearly every other moment of "Birthmarks". "STILL not boring!"
- In "Joy", House starts a betting pool about when Cuddy will back down from the adoption. Kutner bets on 7-14 days. House writes "KUTNER" on the board. Kutner says "It'd be better if I had a pseudonym". House's reply? "SKUTNER" He then proceeds to bet in the <7 days category as "Jones".
- The last five minutes of "Let Them Eat Cake." Explaining it just ruins the joke.
- From "Painless", in a scene where House is looking for a lawyer:House: Come on, you're from one of the Twelve Tribes, you must know a ton of lawyers.
Taub: What type of lawyer do you need? I'll bring it up at the next world domination subcommittee meeting.
- Until recently in "The Greater Good" when Cuddy — pushed to the breaking point after House's inability to let anyone else even attempt to do her job drags her back from maternity leave with her newly adopted daughter — seeks revenge by posting a maintenance worker to hang Out of Order signs on all of the elevators whenever he sees House coming, setting a tripwire at the door to his office, and stealing his cane.
- Special mention to House falling over the tripwire — twangggg — and his expression afterwards.
- In "The Softer Side," Thirteen finds a (seemingly) suicidal poem in the patient's bedroom, which House says is medically irrelevant unless the next line says, "Hoping to fry my brain to death,/I smoked some primo crystal meth."
- "The Social Contract" has a patient with Frontal Lobe Disinhibition, which causes him to say whatever pops into his mind. His reactions to Thirteen and Cuddy are hilarity incarnate.Patient: [regarding Thirteen] ...especially since you're such a pleasure to imagine naked.
Patient: [Cuddy enters] Whoa, I would do her in a minute with fudge and a cherry on top! Would someone please explain to this woman? There are only so many apologies I...
Patient: I've already embarrassed myself with one doctor, whom I am at this moment imagining with you on a king sized bed with a mirror on the ceiling I am so, so sorry. But if I couldn't have both of you together, [Cuddy] would definitely be my first choice.
- The punchline where House explains Cuddy why he paged her to come over and meet the patient.House: You're welcome.
Cuddy: That was for my benefit?
House: You're 40 years old.
House: The administrator of a hospital.
Cuddy: Dean of medicine.
House: People don't get personal with you. Except for me, and you dismiss me as a jerk who's jerking you around, but that guy can only tell the truth. He prefers your body to that of a smoking young hottie.
Cuddy: So... that was your way of saying I look good today?
House: You don't get the slightest kick out of that?
Cuddy: Don't be ridiculous, House.
House: [shrugs, turns around]
Cuddy: [slowly breaks into a smug smile]
- The punchline where House explains Cuddy why he paged her to come over and meet the patient.
- This exchange from "Here Kitty"...House: [waving a laser pointer around Kutner's legs] Oh my gosh, the death cat is attacking your legs, you're gonna die!
Kutner: Maybe it has something to do with that little red dot dancing around down there.
House: Oh my gosh, the death laser is attacking your legs, you're gonna die!
- In the episode "Locked In", the patient is trapped in his own mind, and snarks about the main cast. At one point when Foreman is telling a personal story about his girlfriend, he's not interested until it's revealed it's Thirteen, then he's more impressed.
- "Saviors". House has just figured out Wilson has been screwing with him the entire episode:House: You manipulative bitch. You invoked the name of your dead girlfriend to play me? You're my hero.
- Most of "House Divided":
Amber (hallucination): [trying to write on the board in House's office] Damn invisible marker.
- House's hallucination of Amber provides this gem while House is learning about the case of the week.
- Fight the Power!Foreman: [yelling over the music] House, what are you doing!?
House: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm fighting the power!
- The best part is that he's doing this because the voices in his head told him to.
- The reaction of the patient is also amusing: while Foreman and the patient's mother are annoyed and bewildered (respectively), the patient himself is chuckling at the silliness.
- Anything related to Chase's bachelor party.
- The line about Wilson trying to walk home drunk... with no pants... from his own apartment.
- "By the Power of Grayskull!, I..." (destroys the room and sets a corpse on fire)
- Cuddy screaming "This. Is BEYOND ASSHOOD!" at House in "Both Sides Now."
- In that one, House is trying to figure out if Cuddy is being honest with him by using thermal imaging equipment.House: She lied to me. Either last night or today and I need to find out which and why.
Wilson: And clearly thermal imaging is the way.
- In that one, House is trying to figure out if Cuddy is being honest with him by using thermal imaging equipment.
- In the episode "Epic Fail", Taub and Thirteen are playing a virtual reality game. We're watching them discuss the patient while in the video game. When Taub's character is attacked by Goddamn Bats said character falls to the ground slapping at the bats on its back. Cut to Taub outside of the video game, in the same position, as Thirteen walks away.
- House preventing Foreman's authority by playing charades with his team in "The Tyrant."
- "Wilson" has a couple too:
- Wilson being woken up by House to the tune of George Michael's "Faith".
- The Mexican crooner who was hallucinating that God was ripping open his stomach, and babbling about how he would soon singing in God's mariachi band.
- "It wasn't the tennis!"
- "He has cancer. You know how I know? He has an oncologist for a doctor."
- This exchange:Wilson: [after House walks in the room dripping wet] ...House? I know it's raining out there in the hallway...
House: [starts to explain why he's wet but gives up] Anyways, your patient has cancer. [pause, he points to a chart on Wilson's desk] Not that guy. Although he probably also has cancer.
- In Season Six's eleventh episode, "The Down Low", House has bought a sofa for the apartment Wilson and he share while masquerading as a couple.Wilson: One... singular sensation... every little step she takes...
House: I will punch you in the face.
Wilson: I'll stop if you get rid of the sofa.
House: [pause] No chance.
House: I need the drugs.
- One of the overarching side plots involves House and Wilson's new neighbor, Nora, who thinks the two are lovers. House decides to screw with Wilson (wait, bad choice of words) by acting the part of a Transparent Closet, then decides to keep up the façade in order to gain Nora's trust, become "girlfriends" with her, then reveal his "relationship problems" with Wilson, get her drunk, and sleep with her, which will cause a "revelation" about how he's never felt this way about a woman before. Wilson's attempt to tell her this only makes Nora think Wilson is jealous of the amount of time House is spending with her. Finally, right when House is about to spring the trap, Wilson interrupts their dinner and loudly declares his love for House, ending with a marriage proposal. This leads to House calling Nora into his office to explain the truth (including the fact that this all started because Wilson wanted to go out with her), citing his motivation for pretending to be gay as "I want to touch your boobs", then after initially telling her that Wilson was a good person, she says she might go out with him after all and he backpedals into a listing of his bad traits and straight into his customary Eureka Moment, leaving a very bewildered Nora alone in House's office.
- Another plot involved a joke that Chase, Thirteen, and Taub had played on Foreman, making him think that they had higher salaries than he did. Foreman claims that he's quitting after this case because there's no use in sticking around, leading the team to go to Cuddy and offer to take a pay cut in order to facilitate giving him a raise, at which point she reveals that she hasn't talked to Foreman in 3 days and has no idea what they're talking about — it turns out he was turning the tables on them.
- Then there was the main plot, involving a drug dealer that went down in a gun fight despite the shooter missing and hitting himself in the foot. When the dealer tries to walk out of the room after House has finished stitching him up, House whacks the bed with his cane, making a loud noise and instantly dropping the dealer. House suspects an environmental cause, so he bugs the dealer's room, and gets a lot of interference. He then finds out that there are two bugs in the room, the one he had planted and the one the patient himself had planted — the "dealer" is actually an undercover cop. He also gets the real drug dealer out of the room by saying that he needs to do a rectal exam. Also, in trying to find the answers that the patient wouldn't give...Eddie: [the patient's partner] I know what you're doing. You drugged me to make me think I'm sick so I'll lead you to the stash!
Thirteen: Do you feel sick?
Eddie: I don't feel sick; I feel drugged! Trust me, I know the difference!
- And, of course, the intersection of the main plot and the sub-plot. Early in the episode, House is talking with Eddie, trying to find out what it is they deal in. Eddie claims that they work in "textiles", leading to an extended metaphor. House asks if they deal in "hosiery, with an h", and Eddie replies that they work more with "culottes". House is not exactly sure what culottes are, so he has to ask if that starts with a "c" or a "k". Shortly afterward, Wilson interrupts and tells House that he had tried to ask their new neighbor out and she danced away from it because she thought the two of them were gay. After the traditional insults, House asks, "What are 'culottes', anyway?"—and Wilson immediately gives the answer, which doesn't exactly scream "straight".
- Thirteen is fiddling with the receiver for the bug House set upHouse: It doesn't respond to manual stimuli. Maybe if you took off your top...
Thirteen: I resorted to something a little more exotic. It's called reading the instructions. Turns out if you plug the wires into the wrong sockets it doesn't actually work.
- And this moment:
Patient's Boss: We're in textiles.
House: I NEED THE DRUGS! Hmm... works for Jack Bauer.
- From "Private Lives":
- Wilson: What are you doing?
House: Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking.
- From "Black Hole"House: Foreman, does anything excite you?
- Taub and Foreman getting high off Vicodin in "Lockdown." It Makes Sense in Context.
- The look on Taub's face when Thirteen flashed him.
- In "Knight Fall" House refers to Taub as Gollum.
- Chase trying to ram a door down and winding up in groaning heap on the floor that Thirteen proceeds to merrily skip over, holding the key.
- In Season 6's "The Choice". Chase singing "Midnight Train to Georgia" with House and Foreman singing backup. And dancing. Woo! Woo!
- Blink and you'll miss it, but when the patient insists that, despite there maybe having been some "contact", he's "as straight as any of you". ... Thirteen visibly restrains herself from answering.
- House's male patient has started lactating for unknown reasons. While in the midst of a differentiation, House takes a sample of the patient's milk the team had collected and pours it into his coffee. Cue collective reactions of abject horror from the team as prepares to take a drink.
- Much of the Ho Yay between House and Wilson is as heartwarming as it is hilarious. Like, in "Now What", House and Cuddy had just finished having sex, leading to this exchange.Cuddy: Why didn't you let him in?
House: You were thinking about Wilson while we were having sex? That's so cool, so was I!
- Season 7's "Selfish" had a centenarian clinic patient who lives with his octogenarian son, whom House immediately dismissed as having "natural causes". Later, the son bribes House to give a diagnosis that would result in the father having to be sent to a nursing home; a bit of negotiation results in the amount being $30. Later still, the father gives House a $100 bribe to diagnose him with something that would require him being put in a nursing home, as he was just as tired of living with his son as the son was of living with him.
- On top of all that, after initially planning to acquiesce to this, House spots something at the last moment that explains the symptoms, and gives an honest diagnosis instead, saying that there was no need for the father to go to a nursing home. However, he alerts them to each other's wishes by overtly refunding the $130 he'd received in bribe money.
- When House is trying to make Wilson realize that he actually IS dating Cuddy, Wilson at first doesn't believe House. Even after Cuddy initially walks in and gives House a kiss, Wilson is incredibly skeptical. It's only after Cuddy grabs House's crotch and holds on for at least a minute, completely deadpan, that he buys it.
- The amused, semi-desperate head shake House gives Wilson when Cuddy asks him if that's enough of a demonstration always make me laugh.
- In "Unplanned Parenthood", the lady wanted her grown (very reluctant) daughter to videotape the birth of her latest baby: "It's your baby sister!" "It's my mother's vagina!"
- "Larger Than Life". Decorating Taub's poster into a Hitler. Knocking Cuddy's mother out with sedatives. And knocking Wilson out with sedatives. That episode was a Crowning Episode Of Funny.
- Cuddy's delivery: "You sedated my MOTHER!?
- After House drugs Cuddy's mom, "Well, leaving aside the fact that House's a sociopath..."
- This line from early in the episode.House: Look, no offense to either of you, but dinner with your mom? Come on, I-I have to act like a decent human being, and you know what a strain that puts on me.
- From "Carrot or Stick", when Chase gets his Facebook account hacked into and a... manipulated photo gets posted. He tries to figure out who posted the photo.Foreman: He slept with three women at that wedding.
Masters: You're a whore!
- And later, when Chase tries to find out how his account was hacked.Chase: My password was password.
Masters: You're a dumb whore!
- And later, when Chase tries to find out how his account was hacked.
- House imitating Pulp Fiction in "Two Stories".
- And being called it on by a fifth grader.
- Also, "Who put sand in her vagina?"
- His depiction of his employees, as well.Masters: We need to get a chest CT!
Foreman: Excuse me, I'm the senior team member, which means we don't need anything unless I say we need it.
Taub: [to a newly-hired nurse] Do you wanna have an affair?
Chase: [to the same nurse] You want a threesome?
Masters: You can't talk to her like that! I'm telling Cuddy!
Foreman: We need a chest CT.
Chase & Taub: Get it yourself.
- From "Recession Proof".House: [to Cuddy] Heh. My head's on your vagina.
- And the Ho Yay banter between Foreman and Taub, including being compared to Bert and Ernie (Taub's Ernie) and Taub giving them both food poisoning, leading to a shot of their pants around their feet as they're on the toilet... and then House walks in to continue their conversation, Chase and Masters in tow.Foreman: [To Taub] I hate you.
- And the Ho Yay banter between Foreman and Taub, including being compared to Bert and Ernie (Taub's Ernie) and Taub giving them both food poisoning, leading to a shot of their pants around their feet as they're on the toilet... and then House walks in to continue their conversation, Chase and Masters in tow.
- In the episode "Bombshells", there are several dreams and Imagine Spot segments speculating life for House and Cuddy and their families in the future. One such scenario plays out like a sitcom, where Lisa's daughter is brought home by a policeman because she had been shoplifting, and House is portrayed as a lazy bad influence of an adoptive father.House: Office, you have my word it won't happen again! Because next time, she won't get caught!
- From "Out of the Chute":Masters: House, how many prostitutes have you had?
House: As in eaten? Ever? This year?
Masters: Slept with. Since you've been here.
House: All but one. She did my taxes.
- Also:House: I'm just trying to get you out of here because underneath this sheet, stuff is going on.
- And:Carnell: Don't worry. You can trust me with anything. Including your food.
House: [indicating Wilson] After he and I have sex, I'm going to slit his throat and then disembowel him in the bathtub.
- The end, where House jumps off of his balcony, looking like he's committing suicide, only to tuck in his legs, yell "CANNONBALL!", and plunge into the pool.
- "Fall From Grace": House drives up to the hospital in a monster truck and starts talking like a pirate. Also, after his sham of a wedding:House: I don't sleep with married women.
- Thirteen and House talking about the spud gun competition in "The Dig". It ends with Thirteen saying that they'll go for hang time and length over accuracy, and asking where the fertilizer is.
- In Season 7, anything to do with Wilson and House and Cuddy's relationship, from House finding Wilson trying to crawl into his apartment through his window (and getting stuck!), to when they finally all talk and straighten things out.(House: "I think you straightened out my limp!")
- In Season 7, House and Wilson bet $20 on who can keep a chicken in the hospital the longest. Wilson wins.Wilson: Next week, ferrets?
- In season 7, House, Wilson, Cuddy and Wilson's girlfriend Sam go Go-Kart racing. Sam proves to be extremely competitive, running Wilson out of the road, leading to, mid-race...Cuddy: What is her problem??
House: She hates Jews!
Cuddy: [in a tone that sounds like she was personally in Auschwitz in 1942] Never again! [proceeds to go after Sam. Cuddy gets run off the road too, leaving to House pulling off the fuel hose with his cane and winning the race...]
- House hugging Masters:Masters: [The patients] lying. Hes not an executive. I saw his hands. He works with them. A lot.
House: Stand up.
(House proceeds to hug Masters)
House, near tears: Our little girl is finally growing up. You dream of this day, but when it finally happens... So what did Mr. Meat Hook say when you called him a liar?
Masters: I didnt.
(House lets go)
House: Hm. Baby steps.
- Season 8's "Better Half" gives us this gem.House: [to Wilson] I really gotta get you laid. If I have to plow that furrow myself, so be it.
- Dr. Park on LSD in "Love is Blind."
- Particularly the way she delivers lines like, "Then why am I completely tripping balls right now?" in a completely straight tone of voice.
- Then later, she's tossing various objects at Wilson while still completely tripping balls, believing him to be a rabbit trying to steal her teeth.
- Dr. Adams pushing a wheelchair holding a sex doll in "We Need the Eggs"
- The "Spring Break" photos of Wilson passed out on House's couch at the end of "The C-Word." Also a Heartwarming Moment.
- "Everybody Dies", the series finale, is primarily very dark, but had its lighter moments.Hallucination Cameron: Who says I'm here to convince you to live?
- Near the end of the episode, Wilson is giving the eulogy at House's funeral when he's interrupted by the ringing of a phone. He irritably asks whoever's phone is ringing to get it, only to find that the ringing is coming from his own pocket. He mutters that he could've sworn he'd shut that off...wait, this isn't his phone!Text message from Dr. House: Shut up you idiot.
- And then the series ends with House and Wilson riding off on motorcycles, while "Enjoy Yourself" plays. Something about the Mood Whiplash of this final scene (happy after a largely depressing episode), and the levity of the music playing, is just inexplicably amusing.
- Near the end of the episode, Wilson is giving the eulogy at House's funeral when he's interrupted by the ringing of a phone. He irritably asks whoever's phone is ringing to get it, only to find that the ringing is coming from his own pocket. He mutters that he could've sworn he'd shut that off...wait, this isn't his phone!
- Dr. Park betting on a turtle race."Move your ass, Mister Chips!"
- Season 8's "plaster casting" of EVERYTHING in House's new office.
- House's metaphor for why a sudden onset of symptoms points to an acute condition: "You come home one night, your wife whacks you with a baseball bat. Likely cause — the fact you haven't thanked her for dinner in eight years, or the receipt for furry handcuffs she found in your pants?"
- This clinic patient was pretty funny.Patient: I can't remove my contacts and they are irritating my eyes.
House: That's because you're not wearing contacts. You're trying to remove your cornea.
- The Noodle Incident with the duck.
- We're gonna cure death?
- After Chase gets a haircut, House says "Cameron get your hair in the divorce?"
- House discovering Wilson's Old Shame porno video: "Be not afraid. The forest nymphs taught me how to please a woman." I died laughing.
- Basically any time Taub goes into snark mode. For instance when he's debating suicide with Kutner, Taub believing it's never right and Kutner believing it can be:Kutner: Okay, so if you were being burned at the stake, and someone handed you a gun, what would you do?
Taub: I'd shoot the people holding the torches.
- Kind of a "Funny Aneurysm" Moment in retrospect.
- Another great Taub moment: When House stole his phone and sent dirty texts to his wife, poor Taub is desperately jumping for the phone House is holding up high out of his reach.
- Made even funnier by the completely bored, expressionless way Foreman takes the phone off House and gives it back to Taub, ruining House's fun, and just continues talking about the case like nothing happened.
- Same episode two more gems from Taub.Taub: She hallucinated a black hole. We should look for a tumor in her anus.
Thirteen: We should check the liver.
Taub: And then her pinkie toe. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were just randomly naming body parts that have nothing to do with her symptoms.
- The speed dating scene: House: 'I'm a diagnostician' the woman stares blankly 'I find out what's wrong with people and fix it' 'Don't all doctors do that?'
- And then Chase's American accent "I play video games."Female speed dater: Professionally?
Chase: Pfft. [beat] I wish, bro.
- And this Chase gem:Female speed dater: I'm a chocolatier.
Chase: I could tell by your hips.
- And the way she is so entranced by Chase's beauty that she completely agrees with him.
- From the same episode:House: Little girls kiss frogs and expect them to turn into you.
Chase: I'm not that good-looking.
House: Yeah, you are.
Wilson: You kinda are.
- From later in that episode, when Chase is complaining about women only valuing him for his looks, Thirteen deadpans, "Then date men. They're not shallow at all."
- Also, House to Chase 'God, you're pretty.' after Chase correctly deduces something in a Houseian manner.
- Made even better by the cut to Chase looking absurdly proud of himself. He's apparently realized by now that "God, you're pretty" following a good diagnosis is House-speak for "Great job".
- And then Chase's American accent "I play video games."
- After House asks 'everyone who has not slept together' to leave the room, Taub remains behind. He looks at Thirteen and deadpans: 'Oh. Right. That was supposed to be our little secret. Sorry.'
- House: "This needs some womanly persuasion." Thirteen rolls her eyes and is about to walk into the patient's room, when House says "I said womanly!" and looks at Chase.
- A little scene illustrating the House/Cuddy powerplay/relationship:Cuddy: This is the part where you play the employee and I play the boss.
House: I can see your nipples. Your turn.
Student 1: No wonder she hates him.
Student 2: That's not hate. It's foreplay.
- These:House: [to Foreman, Cameron, and Chase] What were you doing all night?
Cameron: [deadpan] Jello shots and wild sex, what else?House: It will be more cost efficient once I've grabbed Cameron's ass, called Foreman a spade, and Chase...well I'll grab his ass too.Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
House: I think your tie is ugly.noteWilson: In some cultures it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Then again, "friend" in Swedish can also be translated as "limping twerp." *House's pager goes off* Did your pager really just go off are you ditching the conversation?
House: Why can't both be true?
- House's impersonations of his ducklings
- Bisexadrine, Cuckoldasol and Worldssorestkneesasil.
- Taub's "Um, I would like to buy some cocaine please."
- House: "Idiopathic. It means we're idiots because we can't figure this out."
- And also this:Kutner: The shortest distance between here and your memory is straight through your prefrontal cortex. All we have to do is access it.
Taub: I'll build the giant submarine, and you go get the miniaturization gizmo.
- And also this:
- "You're telling me to do the right thing while climbing out a window!"
- "I kinda hit that last night, so now she's all up in my jock."
- Cuddy: "Twenty-four times a year you come storming into my office spouting that you can help someone. Except you never say those words. You say something like, "His pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fire!"
- Taub and Foreman have had a lot of great moments over the years, especially since they're both so deadpan and mopey all the time, as lampshaded by Taub:Taub: Here's my impression of Foreman on the happiest day of his life. [dons a completely flat expression] Now the saddest day of his life. [does the same thing]
- "I'm halluuuuucinating..."
- One of the first things Thirteen does when she's freed from jail is to knee a man in the groin as House stares in shock. Made funnier because it's Damon Lindelof.
- Complete with a brilliant deadpan Jehovah's Witnesses reference.
- When Thirteen helps House with his potato gun, but especially:Potato Gun: [WHOOMPF]
Thirteen: Aaah! [Gets blown onto her back]
- One of House's clinic patients demonstrates that it hurts everywhere he touches. Cut straight to Cuddy asking a nurse "Did you give House the moron with the broken finger?"
- After Cameron, Chase, and Foreman have left House's team:Cuddy: Why is House driving a limo?
Foreman: Don't know.
Cameron: Don't have to know.
Chase: Don't... care?
- "Have you ever heard of the National Man Dead Boy Love Association?"
- "That's our Hitler!" Wilson about and to the half-Jewish candidate to replace Cameron.