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Fan Fic / Seventh Horcrux

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"Voldemort is like the old person who doesn't understand computers at all, but knows that sometimes viruses cause them problems, so if something goes wrong with his computer he assumes it has a virus. Except the computers are people and the virus is love."
SolipsistSerpen on this story's Voldemort

October 31st was an ordinary day for Voldemort, sitting on his throne chastising his minions' various vices until he was informed about the location of a family that had thrice defied him (he knew; after all, he keeps a list of such things). Months after attempting to dispatch a child of the prophecy he didn't know the entirety of, he finds himself remembering his life as Voldemort, as one Harry Potter.


Upon reflection, now as Harry Potter, he decides to go back to his one true goal, to become the DADA teacher. And thus begins Lord Volde — I mean Harry Potter's life through Hogwarts.

Seventh Horcrux by Emerald Ashes (Spacebattles thread) is a fanfic that takes itself seriously enough that it can be confused on whether it's a parody or a retread of canon.

This story provides examples of:

  • Acceptable Targetsinvoked: The Dursleys and Hufflepuffs. Also, Dolores Umbridge.
  • Addictive Magic: Turns out Harry is addicted to the Imperius due to casting it on himself so often.
  • Adaptation Personality Change: Voldemort. He'd actually been getting tired of ruling his Death Eaters (because they were getting really annoying) and was losing interest in ruling Britain by Halloween 1981 (he just saw them as a bunch of sheep).
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  • Ambiguous Disorder: Voldemort displays a staggering level of inability to understand that other people aren't selfish, underhanded egotists like him engaged in a dozen secret plots. Even for someone who doesn't quite get love, he should at least be able to grasp love and friendship and other things intellectually. It borders on some rather strange form of autism or Asperger's.
  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: Dumbledore died, Death Eaters took over the Ministry of Magic, and Snape is the new headmaster at Hogwarts.
  • Being Evil Sucks: Parodied. Voldemort's one true love has always been teaching, but declaring oneself the Dark Lord Voldemort and killing people makes it really hard to get a job around children. He would know, as he's tried.
  • Believing Their Own Lies: Harry and Voldemort suffer from this.
  • Brick Joke: After torching Quirrell's body, Dumbledore runs into Harry. Harry promptly tries to lie his way out of the situation by claiming Quirrell mysteriously burst into flames, and Dumbledore tells him it was his mother's love. Harry replies with "My mother's love is fire?" Later, when Barty Crouch Jr. tries to kill him during fourth year, Harry kills him by setting him on fire. Then, when Dumbledore and Snape arrive, he feeds them this line.
    "Oh, Professors, I’m so glad you’re here. Moody’s a Death Eater and tried to kill me, but, thankfully, I killed him first…with love."
    • Later, Dumbledore remarks that love is wonderful, and Harry replies, "Yes, it burns things. I recall."
  • Bullying a Dragon: When Harry (Voldemort) arrives at the Dursleys, they start treating him like they did Harry. The problem is, in a matter of months, he remembers that he's the Dark Lord Voldemort, and begins terrorizing them with wandless magic.
  • The Chew Toy: Ronald Weasley.
  • Cloudcuckoolander: The aforementioned Ambiguous Disorder is one thing, but as the story goes on it's clear that on top of that, Harry (and by extension, Voldemort) is just plain insane. His incomprehensible way of thinking and misinformation about several things leads to several misinterpretations of people's actions and reputations. For one thing, Harry never figures out that Gilderoy Lockhart was a fraud and instead views his poor teaching skills as radical (and, thus, effective) techniques that force students to take initiative in their defense studies. This causes him to see Lockhart as the biggest threat to him finally having the DADA position, and setting an Acromantula on the man, who promptly kills him.
  • Comically Missing the Point: When Hermione expresses worry that she might be turning into the next Dark Lord, Harry points out that Voldemort probably won't like that, so they'll have to kill him anyways.
  • Cool Teacher: Harry becomes this in the epilogue.
    "P-professor! I didn't see you there."
    "Of course not. I was invisible. I'm always invisible. And watching you."
  • Crippling the Competition: After he breaks his Death Eaters out of Azkaban, Voldemort finds that spending over a decade there has done this to many of his minions.
  • Curse Escape Clause: Required for truly powerful curses. So the curse on the Defense position has the escape clause of Dumbledore hiring someone as well-suited to the job as Voldemort had been. Quirrell obviously doesn't qualify, but Harrymort is legitimately concerned that Lockhart might.
  • The Dark Arts: Played with. Most people take the term "Dark Magic" to mean this trope, but Harry, Ginny, and most likely Voldemort take it to mean magic kept secret within a family. Of course, as Harrymort points out, magic that fits this trope is a really good candidate for being kept a family secret. The Full Body-Bind is only harmless because everyone knows the countercurse now.
  • Dark Lord on Life Support: Voldemort when attached to Quirrel.
  • The Dark Side Will Make You Forget: Voldemort doesn't remember why he started making horcruxes. But Harry does: it was to survive Hogwarts long enough to graduate.
  • Death of Personality: Essentially, what happens to Harry at the very start of the story. Voldemort's soul completely overwhelms his mind making him a copy of the original Voldemort. The only difference is Harrymort decides to use his new body as a chance to go after his dream again (being a teacher) so has no motivation to be evil.
    • Or so Harrymort believes. At one point, Luna floats the idea that Voldemort's soul merged with Harry's, making an entirely new person who is actually Lighter and Softer than the original Voldemort, but that Harrymort refuses to acknowledge the differences because his memories of being Voldemort are so central to his self-image. The author seems to be implying that she's right.
  • Dropped a Bridge on Him: Dumbledore manages to survive sixth year, only to die of Dragon Pox (it's actually the death curse from the Gaunts' ring).
  • Draco in Leather Pants: invoked Parodied and lampshaded in the final non-epilogue chapter with Draco wearing Dragon Hide pants. Also discussed in the omake/author musing collection, where the author figures this pattern exists partly because canon Draco is so unlikeable that writing him accurately looks too much like bashing.
  • Entertainingly Wrong: Where to begin?
    • After learning that Sirius is his right-hand man, Voldemort promptly welcomes him into his inner circle, even though he has no memory of Black ever holding the position. Voldemort also assumes that the reason Sirius lacks a Dark Mark is because he trusted him so much that such a test of loyalty was completely unnecessary. Not once does it ever occur to Voldemort that the reason why he doesn't remember Sirius being his right-hand man is because he wasn't his right-hand man, was somehow framed (most likely by one of his actual followers) and is now using this opportunity to spy on him.
    • Harry/Voldemort assumes that Dumbledore attended Durmstrang after uncovering the man's former friendship with Gellert Grindelwald, and thus can't fathom why Dumbledore cares about any of the Houses and their rivalries. In reality, Dumbledore attended and graduated from Hogwarts — he didn't meet Grindelwald until after the latter had been expelled from Durmstrang. Voldemort also assumes that Dumbledore killed Grindelwald to stave competition for domination of the magical world. Grindelwald is actually alive, imprisoned in Nurmengard, and Spared by the Adaptation since Voldemort never went searching for the Elder Wand (though that doesn't exactly change much in his regard).
  • Even Evil Has Standards
    "Like that would stop him. He would follow us into the girls' loo just to brag about it. I mean, honestly, this is Malfoy we're talking about here. There are two things he mentions in every conversation: his father and his money. If he were the Heir of Slytherin, there would be three things he'd mention in every conversation."
    Hermione pouted. "So, that means we don't need to brew an illegal potion with stolen ingredients, knock out three of our classmates, tie them up in a closet, sneak into the Slytherin Common Room, and interrogate Malfoy?"
    I gaped at her. "Was that your plan?" I fear that Hermione may be the most evil of us all. That is concerning since I am a retired Dark Lord.
  • Everybody Knew Already: Well, not everybody, but Hermione figures out Harry has Voldemort's memories during fourth year.
  • Evil Cannot Comprehend Good: Harry and Voldemort both suffer from this.
  • Fearful Symmetry: Harry Potter vs. Voldemort.
  • Flock of Wolves: By sixth year, Voldemort's inner circle is composed of Sirius Black, Severus Snape, Hagrid, Trelawney, and Lucius Malfoy. The only remaining Death Eaters that he hasn't killed are Malfoy and Fenrir Greyback, the latter of whom is corresponding with Ron about werewolf rights.
  • Four Eyes, Zero Soul: Harry
  • Happily Ever After: For pretty much everyone. Snape ends up as headmaster. Voldemort becomes the Sorting Hat, which he's surprisingly content with. Harry is the immortal DADA teacher. Ginny marries Harry and teaches History. Sirius ends up as the Muggle Studies teacher. Ron and Hermione get married and essentially take over the Ministry. Even the Malfoys get off lighter than in canon.
  • Heel Realization: Hermione has one after a talk with Harry and Ron over her decision to obliviate her parents.
    • Downplayed when the Imperius on Harry is removed. He notes that everything seems more colorful than before, and that he feels incredibly guilty for almost everything. However, he still seems incapable of understanding why he feels this way, only that he doesn't like it.
  • Heroic Comedic Sociopath: Harry.
  • Heroic Willpower: Subverted. After Harry ignores an Imperius, it is revealed that he had already Imperio'd himself to do whatever he wants.
  • Hidden Depths: Harry, as surprising as it may sound. He is opposed to love potions on principle, and gives a number of very good reasons for it. Not that it stops him from brewing Amortentia in class to try to win some liquid luck.
  • Hidden in Plain Sight: Information about the Room of Requirement and how to enter it are hidden in the one place hardly anyone ever looks: Hogwarts: A History.
  • Innocently Insensitive: This actually makes up the vast majority of Harry's jerk tendencies. While he can be a Troll he generally avoids being outright vicious towards his "minions," he simply has an extremely loose grip on the whole empathy/feelings thing along with a nasty case of Brutal Honesty.
  • Invisibility Cloak: Harry wears his every chance he gets, to the point that it becomes a running gag.
  • Irony: Harrymort views both Hermione and Dumbledore as being far more evil than he is. In Hermione's case he actually finds this worrying considering shes a child and he's a Retired Monster. In both cases it's mostly just his Evil Cannot Comprehend Good coming into play. Hopefully.
  • Jerkass: Harry and Voldemort.
  • "Just Joking" Justification: Harry does this a lot, and initially gets away with it fairly often. It eventually stops working.
  • Karma Houdini: Harry.
  • Kill It with Fire: How Harry dispatches Barty Crouch Jr. He also torches Quirrell's body after killing him.
  • Lack of Empathy: Harry, to ludicrous extremes.
    • Seems to be getting better as the Years progress, however.
  • Laughably Evil: Voldemort and Harry.
  • Lampshade Hanging: After Harry recruits Draco Malfoy, he ends up wearing dragon hide pants, prompting the following line from Hermione:
    "Is Malfoy wearing leather pants?"
  • Made of Indestructium: Harry's invisibility cloak, being one of the Three Deathly Hallows, doesn't wear down like a normal invisibility cloak. Harry doesn't know this, and, believing it to be part of one of Dumbledore's schemes, begins trying to wear it out immediately, to no effect.
  • Magic Knight: Neville becomes this after Harry pushes him to learn how to fight with a sword.
  • Magic Mirror: The Mirror of Erised, as in canon, shows you your heart's desire. In the epilogue Harry looks into and all he sees is his own reflection.
  • Minion with an F in Evil: Most of Harrymort's "minions" (Friends) are this. Considering he's "retired" he doesn't mind so much.
  • The Mole: Due to not being able to remember who all his allies were after a near death experience and thirteen years as a wraith, Voldemort accidentally picks up several of them, including Rubeus Hagrid, Sirius Black, and Sybill Trelawney.
  • More Than Mind Control: Harry acts the way he does because he's under the Imperius. Harry is under the Imperius because he cast it on himself. After Hermione makes him remove it, he exhibits behavior similar to a drug addict going through withdrawal.
  • My God, What Have I Done?: Hermione, after Harry and Ron confront her about her decision to Obliviate her parents.
  • Mythology Gag: "Honestly, who were they expecting? A Hufflepuff?"
    • Dumbledore said in the first book the happiest man in the world would see himself as he was if he looked into the Mirror of Erised. In the epilogue Harry sees just that.
  • Never My Fault: Both Harry and Voldemort are almost completely unable to admit that they're wrong, to the point that they'll go to great lengths to pretend they already knew things people tell them.
  • No Kill Like Overkill: Ron's stunner.
    Hermione: “Ron? What type of spell was that?”
    Ron: “A stunner.”
    Hermione: “Oh. You, um, you might want to put a little less energy into it next time.”
    Harry: “Or…you could not do that.”
    • Comes in again in the final, non-epilogue chapter. Harry give Ron the duty of making sure Voldemort won't wake up before the ritual is finished, and Ron starts stunning him every few seconds.
    • This is actually Harry's basic approach to most problems. One of the best examples is during the Triwizard Tournament. He vanishes the lake during the second task. The entire lake.
  • Nominal Hero: Unlike his canon counterpart, this Harry repeatedly saves the day entirely by accident or for totally self-centered reasons.
  • Noodle Incident: No one wants to wake Harry "after the last time".
    Harry: I don't know why you're still complaining about that. The scars weren't even permanent.
    • And again, later:
    Harry: “...and we all know what I did to the moving staircase.”
    The denizens of Hogwarts simultaneously shivered, though the foreigners seemed rather perplexed.
  • Not So Different: Harry and Voldemort. Repeatedly.
  • Obfuscating Disability: Like in canon, Professor Quirrell.
  • Obliviously Evil: Hermione. Whenever she starts breaking the rules, she tends to do horrible things to people without thinking about it. As Harry put it, "Hermione usually follows the rules because she doesn’t have a moral code."
  • Pet the Dog: One of Harry's first acts after his self-inflicted Imperius is removed is to return the wand he took from Neville. It turns out that the wand belonged to Neville's father, and he thanks Harry for giving it back.
    • Before that, he threatens to set Nagini on Hermione if he doesn't get his wand back from her to re-Imperio himself. She says he wouldn't, and he mutters that she's right, much to her shock.
  • Reverse Psychology: Harry does everything in his power to make Slytherin win the House Cup every year by deliberately annoying Professor Snape so he will deduct more and more points from Gryffindor. Snape apparently caught on, because on the one occasion he actually wanted to reward Harry, he did so by granting points to Slytherin.
    • Snape then starts punishing Harry by granting points to Gryffindor. Harry then claims to his fellow Gryffindors that this was his plan all along.
  • Right for the Wrong Reasons: Hermione correctly guesses that Harry has Voldemort's memories, she's wrong in how he got them (through the scar link).
    • Harrymort tends to do this as well. Correctly guessing peoples actions, but completely fumbling on their motives.
  • Retired Monster: Harry. Sort of.
  • Running Gag: Several.
    • Harry and his invisibility cloak.
    • Hufflepuffs being useless.
    • Harry mistaking Hermione's empathy as an act.
    • Hermione being evil.
    • Harry completely misinterpreting the situation due to a lack of empathy.
    • The cousin who died in a magically expanded trunk when its spells failed.
    • Ron's "lycanthropy".
    • Harry trying, and failing, to brew Felix Felicis.
    • The moving staircase and the Perks girl.
    • Fawkes' surveillance and repeated attacks against Harry or Dumbledore.
    • Harry and Voldemort treating Dumbledore's lemon drops like poisoning attempts.
  • Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: The only way to avoid the fatal curse on the Defense position is to be more worthy of it than its caster, Voldemort. When Lockhart comes along, Harrymort, unlike every Harry Potter fan who's read Book 2, believes every word he says about his prowess and is terrified that the curse won't affect him, so he kills him.
  • Skewed Priorities: Hermione.
    Hermione "Voldemort has control over Hogwarts. He hates Muggleborns and he despises you, and I’m your Muggleborn best friend. There’s absolutely no way we can return to Hogwarts. How are we supposed to prepare for our NEWTs?"
    Harry "Really? That’s your problem with this? I assumed you were talking about the murder."
  • Take That!: One against the popular Fanon involving magical cores.
  • The Talk: Parodied when Harry gives Hermione The Dark Lord Talk.
  • The Unfettered: Harrymort and presumably Voldemort made themselves into this though a self-Imperius designed to render them immune to being Imperiused by others. Unfortunately, poor wording resulted in the effect being the removal of any and all of their inhibitions or impulse control. As of "Year Seven, Part Two," Harry has had his removed and changes in his personality are slowly appearing.
  • Throne Made of X: Lord Voldemort squats in Malfoy Manor, where he sits on a throne made out of the wailing portraits of Malfoy ancestors.
  • Unusually Uninteresting Sight: Harry has glowing red eyes. This isn't mentioned for several chapters.
  • What Did I Do Last Night?: Voldemort made his first stand against the Ministry of Magic and the wizarding world in general while drunk after being denied the DADA position, and it took him six months to recreate the Dark Mark after that. He even coined his name while drunk.
    "In my drunken haze, I'd killed six Ministry workers and declared myself the Dark Lord Voldemort (I never would have picked that name had I been sober).