Characters: The Order of the Stick: The Empire of Blood
The Order of the Stick | Team Evil | The Linear Guild | The Order of the Scribble | Azure City | Greysky City | The Empire of Blood | Animal Companions | Divine Beings | Others
open/close all foldersBeware MASSIVE spoilers.
The Empire of Blood
Gladiators WILL fight! Prisoners WILL die! And you WILL be distracted from our brutal oppressive regime until Saturday!
ALSO: Bread! Circuses!
ALSO: Bread! Circuses!
— poster announcing special mid-week games in Bleedingham
- All Crimes Are Equal:
- No papers means prison for life. Don't worry, you'll be in the gladiator arena — your sentence shouldn't last too long.
- The Dewey Decimal system is strictly enforced.
- Thog got sent to the gladiator arena for public urination.
- All There in the Script: According to Word of the Giant on Twitter, Tarquin's adventuring party is called the "Vector Legion".
- Equal-Opportunity Evil: The Empire employs humans, kobolds, and lizardfolks indiscriminately.
- The Empire: Well, obviously.
- Hero of Another Story: The villain variant is a major theme here, as each of the leaders of the three desert empires, from Malack on down to Tarquin is dangerous enough on his own for their defeat to be the object of a major quest. This applies especially strongly since it's repeatedly hinted that the Order will eventually have to deal with them, but cannot do so until their quest against Xykon is finished.
- Gladiator Games: Both a form of entertainment and an important part of the legal system (the punishment part).
- Government Conspiracy: Not only is the Empress in fact a figurehead and true power in the hands of General Tarquin (who is the de facto Prime Minister and Head of State) and his High Priest associate, Tarquin secretly rules two other empires with four other associates and every war on the continent, including wars between said empires, are ruses designed to make sure that Tarquin and his gang will one day be the only real game in town.
- Kangaroo Court: In the Empire's legal system. Whether or not you pissed off the General is more important than your guilt or innocence.
- Kent Brockman News: As showcased in comic #755, the Empire's newscasters exchange witty banter with painfully fake smiles.
- Meaningful Name: This may or may not be the case, but both Elan and Haley meet very close blood relatives here, particularly their fathers. Even more meaningful after we have learned that Malack is a vampire, and what his plans for the future are.
- Medieval Prehistory: Civilized humans and lizardfolk with dinosaur mounts.
- Mook Carryover: Invoked. When an empire is toppled, its resources and minions go to the conquerors. If the Empress of Blood is taken down, well, the next ruler gets a powerful high priest and competent general for their forces. This keeps Malack and Tarquin employed, and prevents them from ever losing power, as they begin ruling behind the throne of each successive overlord.
- Obstructive Bureaucracy: The empire runs on red tape about as much as it runs on blood. Just as an example, besides entry papers, a bounty hunter needs a license, a change of adress forms for the last three places of residence... and a receipt for the teleportation scroll used (if they don't have an arcane spellcaster registration).
- Please Select New City Name: The Empire of Blood and its capital Bleedingham have been through many name changes in the past. One of those names was Terrorburg, capital of Tyrinaria.
- Strawman News Media: As showcased in comic #755, the Empire's newscasters don't go against the regime (or if they do, they will run afoul of the odd ninja death squad).
- Theme Naming:
- Most of the place names (and other things) have a blood theme:
- There is also an Empire of Sweat and an Empire of Tears.
"My son — making the world safe for tyrannical oligarchy! It's so perfect, I think I'll start implying it was my plan all along."
Race: HumanA warlord at the Empress of Blood's service, and extremely Genre Savvy.
Class: Unknown (probably Fighter)
Alignment: Lawful Evil
Class: Unknown (probably Fighter)
Alignment: Lawful Evil
- Abusive Parents: He considers even his own children to be pawns in his schemes. Attempts at outside-the-box thinking are met with increasingly brutal reactions. He also corrupted Nale into becoming Lawful Evil like himself, which Tarquin suffered the consequences for when Nale murdered Tarquin's best friend.
- Above Good and Evil: Claims to be this in "Realizations & Rationalizations". Though he later openly refers to himself as a villain, so it's hard to tell if he believes it at all.
- And Your Little Dog Too:
- In one of his bigger (and quite deliberate) Villain Ball moments, he orders his army to kill the Order of the Stick except for Elan and Haley, believing that it will solidify Elan's resolve to one day come back and challenge him, forcing him to become more central to the story and competent in the process. He's annoyed that instead of a tragic execution, it turns into a climactic battle that makes Roy look like a badass.
- Much more horrifically, he plays this off in complete calm after boarding the Mechane, as noted in a quotation below directed at Elan, followed up directly after by Unstoppable Rage.
- Apologetic Attacker: Tarquin repeatedly tells Elan he's sorry while trying to kill his friends, although his constant blaming it on the latter makes it less sincere.
- Archnemesis Dad: A fact that he is thrilled about, considering his Dangerous Genre Savvy and personal slant about heroic stories.
- Arc Villain: Of Book Five, much to his chagrin, as he refuses to consider himself as anything other than the ultimate Big Bad.
- Arrow Catch: First time he caught Haley's arrow, he used it to stab Belkar. It backfired the second time and the fourth time.
- An Axe to Grind: "I may even get my axe out of storage for the occasion." It's an intelligent, Evil Weapon named Soul Muncher.
- Badass: Takes on the entire Order of the Stick (except V), and while it's not quite a Curb-Stomp Battle it's still decidedly one-sided in his favor. And according to Malack, he wasn't even trying.
- Badass Grandpa: Is old enough to be a grandpa.
- Badass Normal: Has been able to take on the entire Order of the Stick, minus V, with absolutely zero magical abilities save his gear.
- Bad Guys Do the Dirty Work: Permanently disposes of his son, Nale, who was unlikely to be killed by the heroes despite being a thorn on their side.
- The Bad Guy Wins: Tarquin figures that he has to keep winning until a hero comes along to kill him, and then he will just become a legend.
- Bait the Dog: He initially comes across as so likable and essentially a Reasonable Authority Figure, that you'd be forgiven for thinking he's the nice, Noble Demon variety of Lawful Evil. You'd also be wrong. You would be very, very wrong indeed. For example, after Girard's Gate's destruction, where Tarquin reveals he was going to destroy the gate himself and offers to help Elan get to the next one... Only to then reveal he's framed Haley's father for murder after killing Nale, then ordering his soldiers to kill Roy, Belkar, and Durkon so Elan can be The Hero.
- Berserk Button: In short, any affront to his ego. A patron of his wife's tavern grabs her butt? He murders everyone in the tavern. Talk to him like an equal? Frames you for murder. Make him a second fiddle villain and allow his son to be a minor character? THAT is the last straw. When Elan defers to Roy again — in front of him, no less — in #927, you can see Tarquin's palpable rage.
- Big Bad Wannabe: He is under the misapprehension that he is the Big Bad and Elan is The Hero, and thinks the fact that he runs The Empire on the Western Continent is proof of this. Unfortunately for Tarquin, he's in a story that includes a trio of Archfiends plotting to unite all evil outsiders in an attempt to storm the Heavens, the machinations of an evil god (or two) and his chief minion, and the rampages of an epic-level lich sorcerer. Tarquin is way higher up the level of villain effectiveness than other wannabes such as Nale or Kubota, but against the top players he's out of his league, and clueless about the degree to which the top-tier villains in the comic outclass him.
Even among his own party, Tarquin is not the leader. Neither Malack, Laurin, or Miron have any interest in doing what he says, they mostly just put up with it because Tarquin's narrative logic assists in their own personal motives, and is quite profitable to boot. He has to cajole and run on a system of favors in order to get them to do anything for him. His military prowess is stated to come from elsewhere in the party. Even Julio Scoundrél only considers him one of his "B-list villains".
- Blood Knight: A rather literal example. His initial reaction to being attacked head on by the entire Order sans V?Tarquin: Magnificent.
- Blue and Orange Morality: He considers the structure of a story to be more important than who or what that structure affects. He even has some idea of what good and evil are but acts evil anyways because he figures that stories always need villains.
- The Brute: Although he hardly fits the character type, he replaces Thog in this role in the Linear Guild.
- Bunny-Ears Lawyer: Though he is not as scatterbrained as Elan (and possessing a very dark and intelligent serious side that Elan lacks), the two share a gleeful childishness and a passion for Genre Savviness which borders on the silly. Malack and V briefly bond over how annoying it is to work with someone like this.
- Can't Kill You, Still Need You: Tarquin tries to invoke this with Nale. Nale was a screw-up who was already marked for death for killing Malack's spawn, so Tarquin sends him to secure Girard's Gate hoping that he'd prove himself a useful ally and could justify not killing him.
- Card-Carrying Villain: While refusing to be placed in the D&D alignment system, he says he is running an evil empire. Also divorces his wife on grounds of being Lawful Evil.
- Cassandra Truth: He states that his latest wife died due to "mysterious circumstances", which everyone believes to mean he killed her (except Elan, who thinks it's an actual disease/condition). It turns out she was killed by V's Familicide spell.
- Chekhov's Gunman: First seen on page #50, but not again until #722.
- The Chessmaster: As demonstrated in "Spins of the Father" and on the next page. Averted inasmuch as Tarquin isn't necessarily the brains of his little operation.
- Cloudcuckoolander: The Giant notes that this is a big clue that he's not really the leader of his party. The rest of his team act as his minders, keeping his crazy notions rooted in reality, not as the people who work for him.
- Control Freak:
- His central motivation is to unite the world (or at least his corner of it) in accordance with story structure, genre narratives, and tropes:Tarquin: As I've said before, procedure matters.
Elan: But the safety of the world —
Tarquin: — is meaningless if everyone is going to run around doing whatever they feel like, without regard for proper story structure. There must be some sense of order — personal, political, or dramatic — and if no one else is going to bring it to this world, I will.
- The fact that Elan persistently refuses to accept what Tarquin views as his role in Tarquin's epic narrative is one of the few things we've seen that has driven Tarquin to pure, naked fury.Tarquin: I'm sorry, Elan, but you brought this all on yourself. I tried to give you a dramatically significant death scene to swear vengeance over, but you seem to prefer this... this disjoined anarchy. There's no unity of theme here at all!
Elan: Didn't we... already do the scene... where you try to convince me to do things your way?
Tarquin: (grabbing Elan, face twisted with rage) Yes, and it didn't go right, so we are DOING IT AGAIN. And we will CONTINUE to do it until you understand that it is in your best interest to...
- Also, the only time he has shown anything resembling fear is when he has no idea what will happen next.
- His central motivation is to unite the world (or at least his corner of it) in accordance with story structure, genre narratives, and tropes:
- Crazy Jealous Guy: Implied to have been this toward his first wife. He promised her he would liquify everyone in the bar if a patron grabbed her butt again. When someone did, Tarquin proved the threat was Not Hyperbole. The marriage ended shortly after that.
- Crazy-Prepared: He knows the counters to a great many obscure combat techniques, up to and including pun fighting. Granted, he was a reoccurring foe of the man who taught Elan.
- Cruel Mercy: "You'll live." Becomes an Ironic Echo by Elan.
- Dangerously Genre Savvy:
- Takes it to a new level. Even by this comic's standards, Tarquin is Genre Savvy. In his handbook to the guards, he includes items straight from the Evil Overlord List. Not only has he read the List, it is later revealed that his big Evil Plan is based around not just genre Tropes, but Audience Reactions, specifically Love to Hate, Evil Is Cool, and a hefty dosage of You Bastard. He's even willing to allow the Order to take on Xykon because he knows that villain-versus-villain confrontations are always a toss-up between the bad guys, while the heroes are more narratively-equipped to defeat the villain.
- It's his main contribution to his little team. Being their leader, and a brilliant strategist, and so on, are largely untrue manifestations of his overinflated opinion of himself. All in all, he comes off as a sociopath whose only attachment to people is trying to make them fulfill tropes and archetypes, and a huge Take That to a Genre Savvy villain.
- He even offers to do the popular "villain allows himself to be incarcerated and manipulates from behind bars" trope to Elan. Elan refuses.
- Dark Chick: This is his actual role within his party. His job was to take five powerful evil villains and keep them working together and not making the mistakes normal villains make. Only Tarquin's delusions make him think he's The Leader.
- Darth Vader Clone: Downplayed. He's got the outfit and the references to go with it, but his actions make it brutally clear to Elan that there's no redeeming him.
- Determinator: He is one tenacious bastard. After the Order tries to escape his whole army's ambush on an Allosaurus, he calls in his favors and his team chases them down on a Triceratops boosted with wormholes. After they get rid of both the Triceratops and Tarquin's mage, Tarquin and his psion topple the order by themselves. After The Cavalry show up to save them, the two of them teleport onto the ship to chase them down again. The last part is notable because the entire team had split apart to go recover and get some rest like the conclusion of any arc, and no-one thought about the possibility of them teleporting up into a pirate airship. And then, when his ride home bails on him and he's hanging off the side of the airship with no allies left, he's still trying to find a way to remain relevant to the plot.
- Dirty Old Man: He's not above flirting with Haley or an attractive female petitioner. So far, Tarquin has had no less than nine wives — and that amount would've been higher if it wasn't for Julio Scoundrél.
- Disproportionate Retribution:
- He murdered every guy in the bar his first wife worked at, then ground them into fertilizer, in response to one of the patrons grabbing her butt.
- He has the bounty hunters sent to their deaths via gladiatorial combat because they joined in on the barrage of Star Wars references he just made, and Gannji had the bad sense to reenact the infamous thermal detonator extortion scene with a can of tomato soup for the sake of the joke.
- He has Ian Starshine framed with assassinating an ambassador and announces a reward for his death because of the disrespect Ian treated him with. Tarquin is particularly offended that a lowly thief like Ian spoke to him as an equal, and regards Haley's management of the situation as a test of her worthiness to marry Elan.
- Do Wrong, Right: Is a big believer in this. Doing things the right way is more important than your reasons for doing them in the first place.
- Dragon-in-Chief: Technically, Tarquin is The Dragon to the Empress of Blood (who is herself a literal dragon), but in practice he's the one who runs things and both the populace Tarquin's adventuring party seem to think of him as their actual leader. Despite his protestations to the contrary, he also proves to be this to Nale in the Linear Guild.
- Dramatic Unmask: He loves doing this. Not just playing it straight either, he loves joking about it too.
- Engagement Challenge: Upon learning that his possibly soon to be daughter-in-law, Haley, is the child of a lowly thief, he decides to see how she deals with her father's Frame-Up to test her worthiness.
- Even Evil Has Loved Ones: Despite his tyrannical attitude, he still cares deeply about Elan and seems averse to the idea of killing Nale. After he finally brings himself to kill Nale, he decides that he needs to be more careful with managing Elan. His former party also seem to be genuine friends, given their reactions to Malack's death. The Giant, pointedly, warns us that this is very misleading. Tarquin, he says, probably believed that he loved his son right up until the moment when he had to choose between letting his son live and relinquishing the least bit of control over his life. Then he (and the audience) got to see what really mattered to him.
- Even Evil Has Standards: Subverted; he casually declares Laurin disintegrating Nale's corpse "perhaps a bit overkill", but ultimately deems it "just as well" in spite of it taking place in the middle of Elan mourning over Nale's corpse.
- Even the Guys Want Him: While the attraction shown on "Slash Attack" is obviously a put on, Tarquin is used to men being attracted to him.
- Evil Cannot Comprehend Good:
- Caused his divorce and an argument over a sign with Elan.Elan: I don't enjoy watching people suffer just because they got the better of me once!
Tarquin: You don't? Huh. Weird.
- He also fails to understand why Elan isn't incredibly happy about the fact that Tarquin just murdered Nale in front of him.
- In "End of the Line", Tarquin believes that Elan will save his life to prove the hero is better than the villain. Elan refuses and abandons his father, turning this trope into Evil Cannot Comprehend Good Is Not Dumb. In that same speech, he also claims that Elan hasn't lost anything over the course of the story arc.
- Caused his divorce and an argument over a sign with Elan.
- Evil Counterpart:
- To Elan. Unlike Nale, who is an "evil opposite" to Elan, Tarquin is a lot like Elan personality-wise. In fact, Rich Burlew admitted that Tarquin's creation basically followed the line of thought, "take Elan's Genre Savvy and fondness for stories, make him evil and smarter..."
- He also comes across as something of an Evil Counterpart to Roy (which is part of why Elan initially trusts him). Like Roy, Tarquin is a fighter who totally inverts that class's stereotype of being Dumb Muscle, and Tarquin's total amorality gives an idea of what Roy would be like if instead of being pragmatic and good, he was just pragmatic. He's also a foil to Roy in fighting style: where Roy relies on Boring but Practical heavy attacks and heavy armor to power through combat situations, Tarquin uses defensive feats and counterattacks to turn his enemies' strengths against them. (His class hasn't been explicitly identified, so he isn't necessarily a single-class fighter either.) He's also best friends with Malack, similar to how Roy is best friends with Durkon.
- Incidentally, he replaces Thog as Roy's counterpart in the latest incarnation of the Linear Guild.
- His subtle machinations and keen political savvy show him as an evil counterpart to Lord Shojo.
- He can be seen as an Evil Counterpart to Ian Starshine, Haley's dad; like Ian, Tarquin believes that Elan is a lot more competent, capable and intelligent than he truly is, and both believe that their offspring is the "real" leader of the Order of the Stick, acting as Roy's Bard/Rogue Behind the Fighter. The biggest difference, besides their alignment, is Ian Starshine believes Elan is a ruthless evil dictator-in-training, while Tarquin knows Elan isn't.
- After it is revealed that Julio Scoundrèl is an old foe of Tarquin's, the parallels between the two become apparent. Both men have a Silver Fox characterization, although Tarquin likes to force women to marry him, whereas Julio rescued a number of Tarquin's forced brides. Both are also obsessed with genre savvy/genre conventions, although Tarquin takes this farther and with more harm to others than Julio (Elan explicitly considers both a Deliberately Bad Example). Whereas Tarquin is a Lawful Evil tyrant, Julio is a Chaotic Neutral rogue who hates authority. Finally, Julio considers Tarquin (accurately?) to be a second-tier antagonist of his, and Tarquin predictably feels likewise.
- Evil Feels Good: As he himself puts it, when an evil overlord lies dying, he will remember...Tarquin: [...]that he got to live like a god for three decades! Sure, the last ten minutes sucked, but you can't have everything.
- Evil Genius: A case of Playing with a Trope. His team's military record is impressive but he's mostly familiar with the tactics that make for good theater. The Giant has implied that the vast majority of his organization's military talent came from other quarters. His only "genius" is Genre Savvy but he has a number of big points incorrect; such as himself as the Big Bad when he's only an Arc Villain. Like the estranged son he disdains, Tarquin's genuine talent and intellect have huge gaping blindspots whenever they intersect with his ego.
- Evil Is Cool: Invoked, in that he certainly seems to think so (though he does not like to see it in terms of "good" and "evil".)
- Evil Is One Big Happy Family: Defied. As the villain of his particular story, he has no intention of competing with the other villains out there.
- Evil Is Petty: He kills a whole tavern full of people because one of them grabbed his wife's butt, sends the bounty hunters to the arena for trying to get in on his Star Wars joke(s), frames Haley's father for the murder of the Reptilian ambassador for daring to speak to him as an equal, and goes into a Villainous Breakdown because his escaping son is doing it wrong!
- Evil Overlord: This is his long-term goal, and he would qualify already if he wasn't The Man Behind the Man.
- Evil Overlord List: He has read it. In fact, he seems to be trying to standardize it.Tarquin's Tips: We do not have surprise inspections. Ever. Especially not at night, when the other guards have been called away to another event. Those inspectors in front of you? They're intruders. Get them.
- Evil Plan: Conquer a place, rule like an evil overlord, die at the hands of a hero and be immortalized as a fearsome villain in the saga of said hero.
- Evil Versus Oblivion: Since he effectively rules nearly a sixth of the continent, he's not interested in any other villains usurping the entire world, or worse, blowing it up.
- Exact Words:
- Tarquin offers to send 500 of his troops to "join the battle" between the Free City of Doom and the Empire of Tears, to attempt to get a petitioner to sleep with him. note Tarquin: Here I was worried all night that you were going to figure it out early. I mean, I thought I made it, like, WAY too obvious, but I guess it all worked out, huh?
- Later, when asked where he managed to obtain a magic carpet, Tarquin says that one of his friends stole it from a man that was very wealthy and owned six others, and that he only missed it for a few seconds. What he doesn't mention is that said friend stole it while he was riding it and presumably caused him to fall to his death.
- Tarquin offers to send 500 of his troops to "join the battle" between the Free City of Doom and the Empire of Tears, to attempt to get a petitioner to sleep with him. note
- False Flag Operation: He and his adventuring partners serve as advisers to the continent's greatest rulers and manipulate them into conquering smaller nations, "liberating" them, and then assimilating them under the guise of protection. This way, Tarquin's six-person party are each the de facto ruler of one-sixth of a continent.
- Faux Affably Evil: He initially comes off as cheerful, friendly, and all-around pleasant despite his tendencies towards brutality and petty revenges; but when he's under pressure, the facade snaps. As he tries to separate his life as an evil overlord and his personal life, one corrupts and colors the other.
- Foil: Tarquin's purpose was to take advantage of his knowledge of story tropes and Genre Savvy to keep the villains from killing each other and that he's really a Cloudcuckoolander, albeit a high-functioning one, making him appear to be an Evil Counterpart to Elan... but that's where the similarities end. Elan knows his place in the grand scheme of things, and is perfectly content with Roy taking the spotlight with him serving as a supporting role, while Tarquin is too full of himself to realize that he's merely providing support for the group.
- Four-Star Badass: Conquered eleven different nations over the course of eight months shortly after appearing on the Western Continent — and was only deposed through the combined efforts of twenty-six others. His personal combat prowess is as impressive as his military savvy. However, most of the military savvy came from elsewhere in his team. He's just a delusional control freak who's convinced himself that he's more important than he is.
- Frame-Up: After releasing Ian Starshine, he decides to frame him for some of the crimes he (Tarquin) has committed. (Ian's real crime, as far as Tarquin is concerned, is daring to speak to him as an equal.)
- Genre Blind: For all his savviness, for all of his scheming and using tropes to become the evil general destined for a one-on-one duel with The Hero for the fate of the world, he has one enormous blind spot, which Elan points out.
- Genre Savvy: He is Elan's father, after all and a particularly interesting case. Being Genre Savvy isn't merely something that he does, like most of the characters in the comic, but the whole basis of his character and ultimately the crux of his motivation. The desire to fulfill his role in the genre to the fullest drives him. Too bad he's wrong about what that role is. One of his main flaws is refusing to admit that the genre has moved on. The story he's in isn't as formulaic as fantasy often was years ago, so many of his predictions are simply wrong.
- Giant Flyer: He uses a pteranodon as mount.
- Glamour: Tarquin has his armor enchanted with a glamour spell that allows it to give the appearance of having another shape and color. He says that for someone who has to change flags as often as he does, it comes in handy by saving him a lot of money on re-enchantment costs.
- A Glass of Chianti: Tarquin keeps several handy, just for dramatic speeches.
- Glory Hound: Everything Tarquin does is to build his legacy, and he is willing to sacrifice anything to that end (though he tries to be pragmatic about it).
- Golden Mean Fallacy: In Strip #936 he uses this trope as a last resort. He says he will fund a legion of adventurers with Roy as the Da Chief, so Elan can be The Leader of his own team while still working under Roy.Tarquin: Everyone gets what they want with this plan!
- Graceful Loser: His reaction to finding out about the Order beating him and Nale to Girard's Gate and destroying it basically boils down to "Good game. Anything I can do to help you find the next one?" This is because the Gate was never seriously a part of his plans; he reacts to Elan rejecting what Tarquin views as his role in Tarquin's grand epic narrative a lot less gracefully.
- Gradual Regeneration: Thanks to his Ring of Regeneration.
- Hair Antennae: Sports two, just like his two sons.
- Heart Is an Awesome Power: He legitimately feels that Bards are underpowered, because with their level of Genre Savviness, they should be unstoppable.
- The Heavy: Definitely invoked, but unfortunately for him, averted. See Big Bad Wannabe, It's All About Me and Wrong Genre Savvy.
- The Hedonist: His speech to Elan about "living like a god for decades" makes him sound like this. The truth is more complicated.
- Hero of Another Story: Villain variant; Tarquin recognizes the world is filled with villains seeking total world domination and that any one of them could be a rival to his own bid for conquest. However, he also considers himself to be the Big Bad of the Order's story — in particular, Elan's. The rest of the Order is disposable.
- Hidden Depths: At first he seems Affably Evil and then Faux Affably Evil but still competent and pragmatic in contrast to Nale, but his teammates and reaction to the death of Malack and Nale hints at being a megalomaniac control freak who absolutely cannot stand the idea that the world doesn't revolve around him. Rule from the shadows, sure. Be overshadowed by more important events? Intolerable.
- Hobbes Was Right: His opinion on civic stability. Specifically he thinks that dictatorships inevitably lead to uprisings and coups, and the best way to maintain order in the wake of that is for the true power to be the Man Behind the Man, who can remain in the regime undisturbed.
- Hoist by His Own Petard: Tarquin's fixation with being Genre Savvy leads to his downfall as his plans to force Nale to prove Nale's worth as a valuable asset and Elan to take on his "designated role" as a hero end up with one of Tarquin's closest allies dead and Tarquin's being left alone in the middle of the desert, broken and unaware of what's going to happen next.
- Humble Pie: Receives a massive slice when Elan lets him fall from the Mechane, causing him to crash into the middle of the desert as a broken mess with no clue of what to do next, or how to even get back home.
- I Always Wanted to Say That: Constantly. The first was the "Elan... I am your father" line.
- I Have You Now, My Pretty: He "convinced" some of his reluctant previous wives to marry him forcefully, and plans to do the same to Amun-Zora. Loveable Rogue Julio Scoundrél saved some of them.
- I Kiss Your Hand: For the charming effect.
- Is That What They're Calling It Now?:Tarquin: ...So they went back to their quarters to give their pet orangutan a bath?
- Irony: Ignoring his misguided belief that he is the main villain instead of the side villain, what he says at the end of the arc is completely backwards. Elan has lost a lot during the arc. His brother is killed, his friend was killed and raised as a vampire, his naivety died, he realizes that his father is completely irredeemable, among other things. Many of the heroes had marked growth as well. From both a subjective and objective point of view, the ending to the arc can be considered very satisfying and the team had enough closure to put off taking out Tarquin for the "sequel". If anything, Tarquin lost MORE than anyone else during the arc. He lost his wife, a lot of resources including an entire army squad, he spent favor that Miron owed him, he lost the snarl opening and the chance to study it to Laurin (though that may have saved his life), his he lost both his sons and his best friend, and now has an entire resistance organized against him (running with a very decent plan that they got from ELAN). Despite this it seems that he is the ONLY character that had no real growth besides a Villainous Breakdown. No word yet as to whether that will make him wise up and become more savvy for the future, though.
- It's All About Me: Tarquin doesn't "get" that his horrible deeds could bother anyone, whether it is good-aligned people he interacts with, or sometimes, even the victims of those same deeds. He's basically a sociopath who can be a nice guy to others when things are going his way, and takes badly to people who act against him. He also tends to assume that any odd plot development is about him unless proven otherwise. He's obsessed with the idea of a narrative that stars himself, (or rather, stars Elan, with him in place as the primary villain) even if he loses at the end of it. As they both have noted, he treats his sons Nale and Elan like nothing more than pieces of that narrative. He also is willing to try to kill off most of the Order, jeopardizing the world's freedom (best case) or existence (worst case) to improve his story's structure. In fact, he clearly considers himself to be the main villain of the story, dismissing "Zyklon" as a mere "sub-boss"; a little side-quest that Elan can undoubtedly resolve by himself since he's his son. To top it all off, when the arc finishes Tarquin rants about how there's no sense of closure and how nothing's changed... when in fact this arc has the biggest Character Development for most of the Order.Julio Scoundrél: I think that's half your problem, T— You always think everything that happens is about you!
- Just the First Citizen: Officially, he's just a general.
- Kick the Dog:
- Not that it wasn't there before, but pages #756 and #757 go a long way in proving that underneath all his affability, Tarquin is a monster.
- Page #759 is what finally convinces Elan beyond a shadow of a doubt.
- In #763 he explains to Elan that his death would inspire other villains, and that even if Elan kills him, his last thoughts would be that he got three decades worth of being a god and that only the last ten minutes sucked.
- In #913 he kills his own son by stabbing him in the chest with a dagger without blinking an eye after being rejected by Nale for the final time.
- Just two strips later, he reveals he's had Ian Starshine framed for challenging his beliefs as though they were equals.
- And after that, he sends his own personal army to attack Roy for no other reason than that Elan telling him that Roy's their leader instead of him as well as the best hero, leading him to believe he was ruining his son's heroic potential, setting the course for a far less impressive story.
- Played for laughs when he plans to punch a bunny in front of Elan's face at a later confrontation.
- Knife Nut: Even though Tarquin has a wide variety of weapons at his disposal, for the most part he likes to use a psionic dagger the most.
- Lack of Empathy: An incredible lack of it to anyone outside of his inner circle. Even in it, you aren't exempt. He tells Malack he's sick of hearing about his dead children and to man up to work with Nale. On the other hand, when Malack later points out he's being a hypocrite regarding how he's treating their respective families, he apologizes and agrees not to do it again. To hammer the point home, he tries to kill Roy and the others so that Elan can become a brooding avenger who will have a climactic battle with him.
- Last-Second Chance: In spite of Nale's rebellion, and the fact that he murdered Tarquin's best friend, Tarquin offers Nale one last chance to reconcile. Nale rejects it and dies at Tarquin's hands.
- Lawful Evil: He's lawful because of his obsession with "imposing" order on the world, including a desire to force the messy chaos of reality to follow the outline of a neat, well-organized story and his wish to conquer a continent and rule it with an iron fist. The evil comes from the fact that he tends to see people as mere characters in a story rather than people; disposable characters, at that.
- Law Of Narrative Causality: Follows this in-universe, and feels obliged to execute anyone who threatens to derail the Narrative (or what he thinks the Narrative is).
- Luke, I Am Your Father: Invoked, but ultimately subverted. Although, he was looking forward to making this kind of revelation.
- Luke, You Are My Father: Elan and Nale's father, to be precise.
- Made of Iron: Survives a fall from an extreme height, notable because this is how Roy died. It helps that he's an very high-level character with plenty of levels in a fighting class.
- Make It Look Like an Accident: Tarquin lost his last wife to "mysterious circumstances." It's strongly hinted that this trope is in play here but it's subverted, because she genuinely did die in mysterious circumstances thanks to V's use of Familicide.
- The Man Behind the Man: He's not technically in charge, but he and Malack are clearly the brains behind the Empress of Blood. They're also behind the rulers of two other empires to boot.
- Manipulative Bastard: He's honest about it. He'll manipulate people into doing what he wants, but by making people do things they would probably do anyway, while he's the one pulling their strings. For example, he tries to help Elan find the next gate because it's in his interest to keep them out of the hands of other Evil Overlords; he's helping the heroes, but he's also making them dependent on him.Tarquin: Nale, please, I'm trying to manipulate your brother into tacitly accepting my authority.
- Meaningful Name: The name "Tarquin" calls to mind either Rome's tyrannical last king or his rapist son, both of which are fairly apropos for this Tarquin. Also, Tarquinia was an Etruscan city where some of the early Kings of Rome (before the establishment of the Roman Republic) were from. However, despite the plethora of Star Wars jokes when he was introduced, there's no connection to Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin.
- Metaphorgotten:Tarquin: You can't make an omelet without ruthlessly crushing dozens of eggs beneath your steel boot and then publicly disemboweling the chickens that laid them as a warning to others.
- Metaphorically True: A lot of what Tarquin says is truthful, but he's especially fond of Exact Words. For example, he tells Elan that the previous owner of the flying carpet "only missed it for a few seconds." The time it took him to hit the ground.
- Mood-Swinger: He can switch from patient explanation to furious assault and back again, literally from one panel to the next.
- Moral Myopia: Cares very little for people not friends or family. If a family member proves to be dedicated to being a hindrance to Tarquin's plans rather than being an asset he can control, he isn't about to hesitate offing them either. In his mind, they are "side characters".
- Multilayer Façade: He disguises himself as Thog wearing a helmet. When Roy tries to unmask him, underneath is another mask with the word "Nope!" written on it.
- Multi-Melee Master: He's utilized the widest arsenal of melee weapons of any character to date, including a sword and shield (in a flashback), dagger, whip, and axe. He also borrows Roy's greatsword during the battle in the desert.
- My Death Is Just the Beginning: It hasn't happened yet, but he's revealed that this forms the core of his Evil Plan. He will be immortalized in the story of the hero who kills him and this will inspire a new generation of villains.
- Narrative Causality: A great believer in the trends in stories. This is mostly because he is incredibly Genre Savvy (a trait that Elan has inherited).
- Nerd in Evil's Helmet: He can't go for long without making a Star Wars joke or some casual troping.
- Nerves of Steel: Almost never loses his cool even when faced with the Order of the Stick (minus V).
- Never My Fault: Insists that Elan is forcing him to slaughter the Order by not abiding by "proper narrative structure".
- Not So Different:
- Although he deplores Nale's ego-driven behavior because it makes him a less effective villain, he falls for the same trap as Nale: believing that Elan is (or at least should be) The Hero when he's actually the Plucky Comic Relief, and then having a Villainous Breakdown when things don't go the way he had planned. He also denounces Nale as one of Elan's B-list villains, while Julio Scoundrél considers Tarquin one of his B-list villains.
- He's also this for Elan. He's infuriated that Elan happily accepts his role as a second-stringer who uses his Genre Savvy to help his team rather than using them to be the team's leader. Thing is, Tarquin himself is apparently a second-stringer whose primary use to his team is his Genre Savvy — he's just too egocentric to accept it.
- Not-So-Harmless Villain: There were indications of him being evil from the very beginning, but "Of Clerks and Clerics" is the first to show him "in action", demonstrating that despite his seemingly friendly and goofy demeanor, he's not someone you want to mess with. Note that at the time he was "humiliated", he gave no sign of anger and didn't drop his pleasant façade.
- Not So Stoic: He starts losing his cool as the Order continues to one-up him and evade his attempts to kill Roy.
- Obfuscating Stupidity: He's not above using this. As shown in "Also, the Desert is Dry", it's clear he knows Elan, Haley and Vaarsuvius are secretly working together with Roy, Belkar and Durkon.Tarquin: Better to look the fool than be one.
- Offhand Backhand: With a dagger, to stop Nale from escaping.
- Offing the Offspring:
- After a climactic battle on the rooftop, Elan assumes his father is going to finish him off, and requests to be stabbed in one of the "less hurty organs." Tarquin just helps him to his feet and tells him that he's not going to stop loving his son because they have different ideologies.
- Later, Nale believes that his father is willing to let Malack kill him once Nale has outlived his usefulness so Nale preemptively kills Malack to avoid this. When he rejects his father's offer to reconcile, it leads to his death at Tarquin's hands anyway.
- Orcus on His Throne: This is how Nale sees him, and it pisses him off to no end, as he feels that Tarquin has more than enough power to conquer the world and can't get it through his head why his father has no desire to.
- Overly Pre-Prepared Gag: According to Malack, he's always willing to go the extra mile for a punchline, which is confirmed a few times, notably him waiting forever to say the line, "Elan... I am your father!"Tarquin: Totally worth wearing a mask under my helmet for two days.
- Overprotective Dad: Now that he knows that his hero son turned out pretty well, he can't just have anyone of lowly stock marrying him, and frames Haley's father for the murder of the ambassador of Reptilia partly to see how she handles the situation as a test of her worthiness.
- Pet the Dog:
- Despite being a vicious warlord, he's still willing to have a day of bonding with his long-lost son. Unlike Elan, however, readers get to see the true nature of the façade.
- He admits that because of how Elan turned out, Nale's upbringing is his fault.
- Roy convinces him to release Ian Starshine from prison. Subverted later on when he frames Ian for murder.
- He gives an genuine apology to Malack when he gets called out on toying with the Order of the Stick just to see how good Elan is, after having forced Malack to work with his children's murderer.
- Politically Incorrect Villain:
- Though he's charming to women in general (Haley, being his son's paramour gets nothing more than a kiss on the hand, and later notes that he's rather attractive), his actions towards women he desires that aren't receptive to his attentions are repulsive. His opinion of Haley takes a nosedive when he learns who her father is. "Now that I know you come from such lowly stock..."
- The Book 5 annotations sum him up as a rich old white man who's convinced that the world revolves around him and his son — the idea that a black man, a woman, and a genderqueer elf could be of equal or greater importance just doesn't occur to him.
- Pragmatic Villainy:
- Has no desire to outreach his grasp, knows the difference between family and philosophy, and is even willing to help the heroes prevent world domination. This last one is because that would interfere with his regional domination. This makes him a wonderful foil for Nale, who is crippled by his gigantic ego.Tarquin: Remember, Nale: Who knows that you know is as important as knowing it in the first place.
Nale: But you look like a fool for being ignorant!
Tarquin: So what? Better to look the fool than be one.
- In #912 it's revealed that he intended to destroy Girard's Gate himself after studying it rather than using it to Take Over the World or something, because he figured that Nale's plan to control it had too many holes, and that he probably wouldn't be able to get anything out of having the Gate anyway. Nale, naturally, is incredulous.Tarquin: Honestly, Nale, that "plan" of yours had way too many moving parts. A Gate, an abomination, a ritual, and you don't even have the ritual but a friend of a friend does? We were never in any position to realistically pull that off. I would have preferred to secure the area and study it for a bit first, but—
Nale: You pompous buffoon! Do you have any idea how much power—
Tarquin: Power I can't access is no power at all.
- On the other hand, he's willing to throw away the lives of many of his soldiers just to motivate Elan to step up as the hero. His former party members aren't willing to waste their own time and resources indulging Tarquin unless he gives them compensation in favors.
- Has no desire to outreach his grasp, knows the difference between family and philosophy, and is even willing to help the heroes prevent world domination. This last one is because that would interfere with his regional domination. This makes him a wonderful foil for Nale, who is crippled by his gigantic ego.
- Psychopathic Manchild: In direct contrast to Elan's common naïveté about reality for anything but how a story generally works, Tarquin fits in as the third type of this. He's ruthless and pragmatic most of the time, but his entire view of how people think is based upon how he and a story revolving around him would think or act. He doesn't work "with" a story, but tries to impose his own interpretation of it upon said story, to the point of murder and railroading. Instead of letting the Order eventually return to his dictatorship, he forces them to remain in the desert near the Empire of Blood like a little boy who refuses to do anything unless it is done his way when he wants it to happen, and no sooner or later than that.
- Railroading: Attempts to force Elan into what Tarquin perceives as his (Elan's) proper narrative role by any means necessary, up to and including attempting to brutally murder the rest of the Order of the Stick because he believes they are overshadowing Elan.
- Reasonable Authority Figure: As a result of just how very pragmatic he is, one of the rare evil examples. He's perfectly willing to accept the requests and needs of the heroic party at face value without any hostages, blackmail, or conspiracy theories, recognizing that the scale of their quest precludes typical villainous behavior. It's zigzagged when he finds out about the Rifts and decides to seize control of Girard's Gate from the Order of the Stick, only to then reveal that he believed Nale's plan to control it was fatally flawed in too many ways and only planned to study it before destroying it himself. Then he reveals that he's framed Haley's father for murder, and orders the deaths of the entire order sans Elan and Haley. As helpful as he makes himself out to be, he's still firmly an antagonist.
- Resemblance Reveal: When he pulls off his helmet, it is immediately obvious to Elan, Haley, Vaarsuvius and the audience that he's Elan's father, confirming what he just said moments previously. He gets another one later for Roy and Belkar.
- The Reveal: Oh, he loves these. As well as the reveals that Tarquin has personally delivered, he has an entire army division trained for "ominous plot-critical reveals".
- He's Elan's father.
- He and Malack are the real powers behind the throne.
- He and his adventuring buddies are the real powers behind the throne of the three biggest empires in the Western Continent, and they're playing a three-way con to absorb the rest.
- One of the aliases used by Tarquin's ever-changing empire was Tyrinaria, which means he is responsible for the unfair arrest of Ian Starshine, Haley's father.
- Reverse Arm-Fold: Very fond of this pose, as a military man of great patience and understanding.
- Ring of Power:
- He never leaves home without a Ring of Regeneration.
- He also owns a Ring of True Seeing which was a birthday present from his departed wife.
- Sanity Slippage: Tarquin has been steadily growing more unhinged over the Order screwing up his plans and Elan defying Tarquin's attempts to railroad him into being the hero of his narrative.
- Scarpia Ultimatum: Strip #757 makes it fairly clear that his seduction of Captain Amun-Zora from the City of Doom are more like threats. The same comic reveals that he "convinced" previous brides to accept him through Cold-Blooded Torture and will likely be doing the same to Amun-Zora.
- Secret Test of Character: Tarquin gives one of these with Nale regarding his feud with Malack; prove yourself too useful to kill by leading the securing of Girard's gate. Nale fails miserably on two accounts; first the mission itself and playing the role of a sidekick to Tarquin.
- Shoulders of Doom: His regular armor sports them because he is a general and (in his mind) the most important villain.
- Silver Fox: Haley sees him as evidence that Elan will still be attractive in his old age.
- Smug Snake: While considerably more intelligent and competent than Nale, his Dangerously Genre Savvy image is little more than a veneer, as considering his obsession with "proper" story structure (and subsequent fury when things don't go the way he thinks they're "supposed" to) combined with a hugely inflated sense of his own importance in the grand scheme of things (he thinks he's the Big Bad when he's really no more than an Arc Villain) as well as the petulant, childish tantrums he flies into when events don't go exactly as he wants them to, point to this trope.
- Smug Super: He won't shut up about his martial superiority. The difference with the Smug Snake is that he can back some of his boasts up, as shown when he fought the entire party (sans V) single-handily, and when he was within an inch of defeating them alongside Laurin before Julio intervened.
- The Sociopath: He doesn't view anyone as anything more then assets to be used or plot-elements in the grand tale of Tarquin. Friends and family get more sympathy, but he still killed Nale with little remorse when this particular character refused to have anything to do with him or his schemes. He also shows an oft-overlooked trait of Antisocial Personality Disorder, that of irrational behavior, as shown in his entry under Psychopathic Manchild. He refuses to listen to the reasoning of his friends that it would be easier to just wait for his son to come back or off the rest of the Order in some other fashion, and his goal is shown to be a sick fantasy produced by his deluded mind, rather than the grand scheme of an Evil Overlord with a true vision.
- So Proud of You: He's very happy Elan didn't turn out like his brother did, but for rather off reasons:
- Sore Loser: Though it's hard to tell (he has a broad view of "winning"), when he feels like he's losing, he suffers a Villainous Breakdown in an attempt to bring everything back to what he feels is the proper course. Elan refusing to be The Hero sends Tarquin into a cold rage, where he does everything in his power (starting with throwing an army at the problem) to kill off Roy and force Elan into his "proper" role.
- Spikes of Villainy: His helmet and shoulderpads have spikes, as befitting of his well-groomed Evil Overlord look.
- Spin Attack: Does something between this and Grievous Harm with a Body to Durkon.
- The Stoic: Tarquin rarely shows any emotion at all, and when he does it's nothing more than a smile or Angry Eyebrows. It makes it unclear exactly how much he cares for his sons and his former adventuring party.
- Stone Wall: His fighting style is based on defending against enemy attacks and counterattacking. Which leads him to break Haley's arm when she literally stabs him in the back with her knife.
- The Strategist: Believes himself to be the source of both military and political long-term brilliant plans. He's not. His real contribution to his group's plans of conquest, besides his considerable personal fighting prowess, is simply pointing out the clichés that always lead to the failure of other Overlords. Being a master strategist is just something he convinced himself of.
- Strong Family Resemblance: He looks like his sons, but with gray hair. Haley is pleased by this, because it means Elan would be just as attractive in forty or so years.
- Stuffed into the Fridge: At first he was willing to put up with Haley, but post-Villainous Breakdown Tarquin flips out and declares that everyone in the area, including Haley, would be now be killed in front of Elan to force him down the "proper" narrative path.
- Tautological Templar: Tarquin utterly refuses to accept that the Story could be anything other than a grand battle between him and Elan over the Western Continent. When confronted by the fact that Elan is not the hero, he feels that Elan has given him no choice but to kill off all Elan's friends and allies to give him the proper motivation.
- They Were Holding You Back: At first, he wrongly believes that Elan is the leader of his adventuring party. He later notices that Elan doesn't take the lead in battles, and Elan reveals that Roy is the leader. Wanting his son to reach his full potential rather than risk becoming a side character, Tarquin orders Elan's teammates killed.
- Tin Tyrant: He usually wears a helmet, so that he can pull off The Reveal when necessary.
- Tough Love: He believes that Elan has the makings of a terrific hero but is holding himself back by playing second fiddle to Roy. If he has to kill Roy in front of Elan in order to motivate his son to reach his full potential, then so be it.
- Tranquil Fury: When he kills Nale for murdering Malack. He's so tranquil that some readers doubt there was any fury at all.Tarquin: What did you think the price for killing my best friend was going to be? Really, Nale, you would have been dead years ago if it weren't for my protection.
- Troperiffic: Intentionally, so that he'll be remembered. It's working, judging by the number of trope pages he's either quoted or pictured on, including What Is Evil?, Fight Scene Failure, Bread and Circuses, Multilayer Façade, The Pardon, and Dangerously Genre Savvy.
- True Companions: Despite all his machinations, he considers his old adventuring party to be friends whom he values beyond their skills or place in his grand narrative. He even considers Malack to be his best friend and kills Nale when he learns that the latter murdered him and rejected all forms of reconciliation.
- Unreliable Expositor: It is safe to say that any flashback narrated by Tarquin is off by a few details. Firstly through his fondness for Exact Words and leaving crucial elements out, and secondly as a result of his personal delusions. For example, the fact that he's presenting himself as the leader of his adventuring party, when in truth his teammates tolerate him at best as long as it is in their interest, and he has to haggle for favors with them when it isn't the case.
- The Unreveal: Not as far as the readers are concerned since we already know who he is, but as far as the Order is concerned... Tarquin disguises himself as Thog when battling them. It quickly becomes clear to the Order that he isn't who he claims to be because the fighting style is different, but when Roy tries to remove Tarquin's helmet, underneath is a mask (with a humiliating response written on it to boot). Defied in that Roy and Elan figure out who he really is after their second battle.
- Uriah Gambit: When his troops invades the Free City of Doom, he makes sure that one of the casualties is the husband of the woman he wants to bed.
- Utopia Justifies the Means: He claims that the natives of the Western Continent are better off under a few big oppressive empires than they were under smaller countries and nation-states that were always at war with each other. Given that he plans to hand off control to Malack who will sacrifice 1000 people a day, all he'll be doing is replacing chaotic slaughter with an organized one.
- Villainous Breakdown:
- He starts to lose his cool upon seeing Elan embrace his role as the support for his team instead of being the leader in #927. Notably this is the first time in comic he genuinely looks angry. He follows this up in #930 by abandoning his Dangerously Genre Savvy trappings and pride in his son's use of plot in favor of attempted Railroading of Elan's role in the Order of the Stick.Elan: Didn't we... already do the scene... where you try to convince me to do things your way?
Tarquin: Yes, and it didn't go right, so we are DOING IT AGAIN. And we will CONTINUE to do it until you understand that it is in your best interest to... listen to my...
- He gets way worse after Elan and the Order escape to the Mechane and Laurin wormholes him aboard. See And Your Little Dog Too above.
- The arc basically ends with him standing in the middle of the desert, having been thrown off the ship, ranting and screaming for Elan to come back to finish the "plot" this instant, because without a sense of closure he has no idea what to do next.
- He starts to lose his cool upon seeing Elan embrace his role as the support for his team instead of being the leader in #927. Notably this is the first time in comic he genuinely looks angry. He follows this up in #930 by abandoning his Dangerously Genre Savvy trappings and pride in his son's use of plot in favor of attempted Railroading of Elan's role in the Order of the Stick.
- Villainous Friendship: This appears to be the case with Tarquin's whole adventuring party — his extensive ploy for the Western Continent wouldn't work without a remarkable amount of trust and cooperation. The reaction by Laurin to Nale gloating about Malack's death suggests that the rest of Tarquin's party have close, friendly ties to one another. He even openly calls Malack his best friend.
- We Have Reserves: Played with. When a dinosaur breaks loose from its cage, Tarquin complains that soldiers don't just grow from trees, but when it comes to losing an undead minion in the Draketooths' ziggurat, he dismisses Malack's concern about wasting them.
- Well-Intentioned Extremist: Claims to be this to Elan; he's an evil overlord but the people will be better off without the constant wars and regime changing. Considering what he intended to let Malack do after he was gone, all for a bigger statue, this isn't the case.
- What Is Evil?: He provides the page image.Tarquin: Labels like "good" and evil" are just words. Words with many possible capitalizations. They're outdated concepts that do nothing but cause conflicts.
- Whip It Good: Tarquin kept a whip with him on his excursion to Girard's pyramid and he puts it to use when he grabs a flying Vaarsuvius with it and flings V into Durkon.
- Why Did You Make Me Hit You?: If he had his way, it would be more like, "Why did you make me slaughter all your friends, kill your girlfriend in front of you, and then cut off your hand to turn you into a brooding hero?"Tarquin: And when you are off brooding and healing for our inevitable final duel, I want you to remember one thing: That you forced me to do this. Just like Nale did.
- Worth It: Tarquin figures that even though his death as a dictator is inevitable, it will still be awesome until the end.Tarquin: If I win, I get to be a king. If I lose, I get to be a legend.
- Worthy Opponent: He sees Roy as this. It's part of why he decides to join the Linear Guild, and in strip #863, he acknowledges that Roy is a "wonderful challenge". He's so impressed that he tried to recruit Roy into his organization.
- Would Hit a Girl: He's tortured women into agreeing to marry him before, and stabs Haley in the back and breaks her arm, although the latter was out of self-defense.
- Wrong Genre Savvy: While he's usually the opposite, Tarquin's massive ego has him convinced that he is the Big Bad of the story, rather then an Arc Villain. Though he acknowledges Xykon as a threat, he believes that the Order of the Stick's quest for the rifts is merely a side-story compared to his grand conflict with Elan, despite everything pointing to the other way around. He also doesn't see how Elan could be effective unless he's The Hero. He believes the Rule of Drama to be more effective than a well-prepared team, so that killing Roy, Belkar and Durkon will increase the chances of the Order stopping Xykon. He also believes that nobody would care about him killing Nale. Sabine, who does care, promptly informs Vaarsuvius of the Vector Legion's weaknesses, allowing V to act accordingly when their soul returns to their body. Elan finally tells Tarquin he's not the villain of the story, gives a brief And This Is for... by stating he's not going to rescue him partly because he's not a twin anymore, and abandons him in the middle of the desert without a resolution satisfactory to Tarquin — which he hates.Tarquin: THIS IS A TERRIBLE ENDING!!!
- Xanatos Gambit: Eventually, a hero is going to kill him and he knows and he's happy about it because he'll be immortalized as a legend by the same bards singing songs of his defeat. In the meantime, he'll be living the high-life as a king for X amount of years until that eventuality occurs.Tarquin: That's the beauty of it all, my son. If I win, I get to be a king. If I lose, I get to be a legend.
- You Are What You Hate: He frequently mentioned that Nale's ego was Nale's Fatal Flaw and talked about how he despised that trait and how it held Nale back, but Tarquin proves himself to be Not So Different when he refuses to accept that he's just an Arc Villain rather than the Big Bad, and that his other son is the Plucky Comic Relief rather than The Hero. In Tarquin's mind, he and his progeny are obviously far too important to play a mere supporting role; they must be the center of the story. This causes his legendary Dangerously Genre Savvy status into becoming increasingly Wrong Genre Savvy. The same ego that he despised in Nale is the source of his own Villainous Breakdown.
- You Can't Make an Omelette...:Tarquin: You can't make an omelet without ruthlessly crushing dozens of eggs beneath your steel boot and then publicly disemboweling the chickens that laid them as a warning to others.
- You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: An interesting variant. For a very long time, Tarquin was willing to overlook Nale's staggering incompetence and overall detrimental effect on his plans, simply because he was his son and he loved him. (Or thought he did, at least.) However, when Nale boasts about killing Malack and then rejects Tarquin's Last-Second Chance to reconcile, Tarquin stops treating him like his son and starts treating him as an asset. A pragmatically evil overlord like Tarquin only has one reaction to a useless asset.Tarquin: Is that really how you feel? [...] *sigh* As you wish, son.
- You Owe Me: He and his teammates trade favors this way. He sat on a favor Miron owed him for twelve years, and gets Laurin's help by agreeing to help her.
"Ah, the life of an adventuring cleric. I remember it well. A perpetual struggle to maintain the hit point totals of four or five nigh-suicidal tomb robbers determined to deplete them at all costs."
Race: Lizardfolk (really a snakeman... thing VampireA reptilian albino, high priest of Nergal. Spiritual adviser to the Empress of Blood and old adventuring companion of Tarquin. Warning, spoilers are unavoidable below.
Alignment: Lawful Evil
Alignment: Lawful Evil
- Affably Evil: Like Tarquin, he can be a very pleasant guy. He even greets Durkon in a friendly and respectful manner, despite their differences in alignment and deities, and proceeds to have a good-natured theological debate with him. Even after his vampiric nature is revealed, he tries finding a happy medium with Durkon rather than slaying him outright, and once Durkon clarifies that there can be no such happy medium, he is genuinely upset. Like Tarquin though, this does not make him nicer, only likable.
- Alas, Poor Villain: He is destroyed while trying to avenge his vampire spawn and begging his god Nergal to save him.
- And I Must Scream: What happened to the original shaman after being vampirized until Malack was slain, as is the case with all vampires in the setting.
- Animate Dead: Although he claims to be against that sort of thing, upon finding a room full of mummified corpses he considers it a waste of resources to not animate them as mummies. He's put out when his boss casually uses the "gifts of Nergal" as unliving trap-springers.
- Avenging the Villain: Tarquin kills Nale for killing Malack.
- Love him, hate him, or love to hate him, he's the only character aside from Xykon to succeed in killing a member of the Order of the Stick. And outnumbered two-to-one (three if you include Mr. Scruffy), to boot.
- Also, check out his "Harm" combo. This is borderline Game Breaker territory in real Dungeons & Dragons. It's safe to say he does NOT mess around when it comes to combat.
- Bait the Dog: The revelation that he's a vampire casts a new light on a lot of his earlier comments about his children, and give them a much more sinister implication... or, given who he is, possibly not. A later strip takes this way further, revealing his plans for a future of orderly mass execution as a sacrifice to his god.
- Berserk Button: His children were killed by Nale. Needless to say, he doesn't take very well the following sentence once he meets him again:Nale: Malack. How's the family?
- Bash Brothers: He planned to forge this relationship with Durkon. While vampirizing the dwarf, he mused that he wasn't longing for children as much as siblings, and believes he and Durkon will make a magnificent team.
- Black Cloak: Naturally, as a Lawful Evil cleric for a god of Death.
- Boxing Lessons for Superman: Tarquin taught him martial arts, which combined with his vampiric super-strength makes him even more dangerous up close than your average cleric.
- Cloudcuckoolander's Minder: It is made evident extremely early that, as beleaguered as he is by the duty, he is the one who is most successful at keeping Tarquin from going off on the wrong tangents. This is made especially clear as he apologizes for his behavior to Malack at one point when called out on it.
- Combat Medic: As it turns out, he can not only use his dark magic offensively, he can use it to heal himself as well.
- Commonality Connection: He and Durkon quickly bond over the life of the adventuring cleric.
- Cruel and Unusual Death: Nale kills him by exposing him to direct sunlight, reducing him to ash.
- Dangerously Genre Savvy: Not to his friend Tarquin's extent, but he understands how to use Vancian Magic limits to his advantage. Such as being able to use his vampiric dominating gaze until the cows come home on a would-be rescuer while he recovers from a beating. He also leaves a back door in the Mass Death Ward spell he helps Durkon develop: a password that allows him to dismiss it. He's also smart enough to keep multiple sources of his vitally important Protection from Daylight spell around.
- Does This Remind You of Anything?: He can use his Bolster Undead class feature on himself. Tarquin apparently insinuates that this will lead to his going blind.
- Dragon with an Agenda: He is aware he's going to be around far longer than Tarquin or the rest of his party, and wants to rule the unified Western Continent once he's gone. However, Tarquin is aware of this, and the only stipulation he had for Malack inheriting his empire is that he gets a bigger statue.
- Enemy Mine: With Nale. It ends with Nale killing him.
- Everybody Hates Hades: Insists that deities and clerics of Death should be seen as Neutral by default because they reap both heroes and villain, without stating his own alignment. Since he is a vampire and therefore canonically Lawful Evil and planning to sacrifice a thousand a day to his god, the point is merely academic.
- Evil Albino: His pale skin is highlighted both by his Black Cloak and the fact that he lives in a desert. It's not clear if this is a consequence of being a vampire or not.
- Evil Counterpart:
- The Evils of Free Will: "Living or dead, we are all of us marching to our orders... It does not matter from whence these orders come, be it man or god. Our place is as an obedient slave to those who command us. Through service, we are rewarded. That is the true natural order."
- Evil Virtues: He's peeved by the idea of treating undead like slaves, and legitimately cared for his vampire spawn and grieved for them.
- Family Values Villain: Just watch him discuss parenthood with Vaarsuvius, pursue vengeance against Nale for the death of his children, and forcibly turn Durkon into a new member of his vampiric "family" when their moral differences prove insurmountable, and even then he was going to release Durkon from his thrall so they could be "siblings".
- Famous Last Words: NERRRGHHALLL! SSAVE MEEE!
- Friendly Enemy:
- When he and Durkon clash, he remains civil and tries to find a happy medium where they can stay friends.
- This is very much averted with Nale, due to the fact that he had murdered his children.
- Game Face: When he reveals himself as a vampire, his eyes go from pink to red, his speech bubbles become black and the connectors lose their irregular shape.
- The Grim Reaper: Downplayed. He looks the part and serves a god of Death, but Elan thought he was the real deal when he first met him (and assumed that he had been killed with the rest of the party without knowing it), referring to him as the "lizgreaper".
- Healing Hands: With cleric spells.
- High Priest: Of Nergal, lion-headed god of Death and Destruction.
- HP to 1: Or close enough, at least. He uses "Harm" from the source material on Nale, and nearly finishes him off with a quickened attack before he escapes to safety.
- I Gave My Word: Malack does not finish off Belkar, as per Durkon's final request. Neither does he inform Nale that the Order of the Stick is hiding behind an illusionary wall, though that may just be a way to spite Nale.
- I Love You, Vampire Son: Despite going with "brother" with the vampirized Durkon, he shows him the utmost respect, even though Durkon is currently just a thrall, and does not overtly take advantage of his current place as "master".
- Industrialized Evil: His ultimate plan for the western continent is to offer a thousand Human/other sentient Sacrifices a day to Nergal. This will be done very efficiently in special chambers designed to harvest their blood for his vampire ruling class.
- It's Personal: He has a grudge against Nale for killing three of his children. However, Tarquin uses his team's rule of "business before pleasure" to get Malack to put aside his desire for revenge and work with Nale. It crops up again when Tarquin starts toying with the Order of the Stick sans V, instead of simply killing them so Malack can stop having to work with Nale.
- Kick the Dog: His ultimate plans for the Western Continent fully cement him on the Lawful Evil part of the wheel. This guy could give most devils a run for their money.
- Killed Off for Real: Nale kills him by having Zz'dtri dispel his Protection from Daylight ward, causing him to die from the vampire weakness against sunlight. Since his body is reduced to ash, there is no way to revive him.
- Kryptonite-Proof Suit: He has spent a considerable amount of time amassing a large library of divine lore so he could research a Protection from Daylight spell, which is what makes him a Daywalking Vampire. He casts it every morning, which allows him to move about freely during daytime. He's genre savvy enough to keep two redundant sources on hand as well. Too bad he didn't keep them secret.
- Level Drain: As a vampire, he inflicts energy drain with his touch as shown in strip #870.
- Like a Son to Me: Brother in this case. He holds Durkon in very high regard, and outright says, after draining his blood, that it reminded him of consuming his family long ago. As that last part may indicate, this doesn't stop him from killing Durkon and creating a vampire from him.
- Lizard Folk: At first glance, although his robe hides a lack of legs, putting him rather into Snake People such as Yuan-Ti.
- Made from Real Girl Scouts: His preferred blend of bloodwart tea is not made from the herb bloodwort, but from a mixture of blood and warts.
- Magic Staff: He mainly uses it as a walking stick, but it can also be used to cast spells. Malack states he has researched several obscure spells, and he crafted the staff to hold them. However, its design is quite unassuming, and could be confused for a Simple Staff at a glance.
- Man on Fire: How Nale kills him, burning up in the sun.
- The Medic: He was the healer for Tarquin's six-person adventuring party back in the day.
- The Morality/Mortality Equation: Malack dies because Tarquin was a bad influence to his son Nale.
- A Nazi by Any Other Name: The meaningfully-titled strip "Calm, Orderly, and Efficient" reveals that Malack plans to take over the Empire after Tarquin's death and expand it further so that he can offer a thousand sentient sacrifices a day to his god. He finds Tarquin's arenas inefficient and plans to develop some kind of "special chamber" to speed things up. it was an intended reference to Soylent Green. See Outside-Context Villain below for details.
- Noble Demon: He honored Durkon's request to spare his friends after he killed him.
- Not So Stoic:
- "NERGAL WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!!!"
- His Famous Last Words are crying out in anguish for his god to save him.
- Not Using the Z Word: While the strip notably does not address the type of Snake People he is rather than the Lizard Folk he appears to be. This may be because at least one of those likely options, the Yuan-Ti, are copyrighted.
- Obviously Evil: His appearance — the albino scales, the black cloak, the the name and the fact he's a lizardfolk all point to "EVIL". This has led to suggestions that no-one so obviously evil-looking could actually be evil (which is either Genre Savvy or Wrong Genre Savvy). We later learn he's a vampire of Lawful Evil alignment, but he's still not an actively malicious figure, he just so happens to want to turn an entire continent into a Human Sacrifice factory for Nergal. "Obviously Evil" is Zig-Zagged with this guy.
- Outside-Context Villain: More like out of context villainy; as noted in A Nazi by Any Other Name, his commented intention of creating "special chambers" for purposeful and efficient slaughter of humanoids comes off as a gas chamber reference, but was intended to be a Soylent Green reference (plus a nod to real-life slaughterhouses). The comic lacks the forum-posted explanation that, when Malack takes control of the Empire, he will turn it into a combination of theocracy and The Necrocracy, by creating a legion of vampire spawn priests of Nergal to administer to the mortal populace. The sacrifices to Nergal will serve dual purpose as holy offerings and as a way to feed the haemovoric nobility he will lead; the "special chambers", then, are butchering rooms.
- Papa Wolf: He wants to kill Nale out of revenge for killing his children — which is how he views his vampiric spawn.
- Playing with Fire: "Flame Strike."
- Prayer Is a Last Resort: As his Famous Last Words would indicate, he screams for Nergal to save him right before he is reduced to ash.
- Really 700 Years Old: He's over 200 years old, making him predate even the Order of the Scribble and Xykon.
- Red Eyes, Take Warning: When Malack "vamps out".
- Revive Kills Zombie: Since Malack is undead, Durkon's Heal spell inflicts damage on him.
- Sarcastic Devotee: Malack has endured Tarquin's antics for 35 years; as a result, he won't hesitate to put his friend into place if needed — and Tarquin will listen.
- Sinister Minister: Aversion at first: he's pleasant, friendly, and while a servant of the God of Death and working for the Empire of Blood, is downright civil to Durkon and apologizes to Elan and Haley. Once it's learned he's a vampire and his plans for the future are revealed, it will send chills down your spine.
- Snake People: Goes around in a long cloak and lets people believe he's lizardfolk, but his fight with Durkon reveals otherwise. Hel herself refers to Malack as Nergal's snake.
- Speech Bubbles: The connectors from his speech bubbles are always irregular, hinting of a raspy or hissy voice. He also displays black speech bubbles when using his vampire powers.
- The Starscream: Discussed with Durkon. He plans to take over the whole continent when Tarquin and the rest of the party passes away. Durkon mentions that Tarquin won't be happy, but Malack reveals that they've discussed it at length, and Tarquin is thrilled that what he's built will survive him.
- Storm of Blades: The Blade Barrier spell.
- Super Smoke: Gaseous form is a standard vampiric power. Although with artistic license added, since Malack shouldn't be able to speak in this form by D&D rules, but exposition prevails.
- Taking You with Me: He tries to do this to Nale after Zz'dtri removes his Protection From Daylight spell and he realizes that he has nothing to shield himself from the sun's rays with. Unfortunately, Nale drinks a Negative Energy Protection to prevent this.
- That Man Is Dead: Considers his living self and the vampire he is now two different people; resurrecting past!Malack would destroy present!Malack. Also foreshadows some things about vampire!Durkon...
- Touch of Death: Uses one of the best cleric spell combos in the game.Malack: HARM.note
Nale: I'm... still alive...
Malack: I'm not done. Quickened Inflict Moderate Wounds.note
- Underestimating Badassery: He fully expected to be able to kill Nale at will, and that Nale would be stupid enough not to see it coming. Unfortunately for him, Nale and Zz'dtri beat him to the punch by taking him out with a disarm check and one spell.
- Vampire Bites Suck: Look at it! Does that look pleasant?
- Vegetarian Vampire: Downplayed. He feeds on the runoff from all the executed prisoners, but not only are they in an All Crimes Are Equal state, but he's got no qualms against eating non-condemned people aside from the problems involved in revealing his true nature to people for which it would be disadvantageous. The excessive runoff is simply more than what he needs to survive comfortably.
- Verbal Tic: "Hrrrrm."
- Villainous Friendship: Type I, with Tarquin. He puts up with Tarquin's Genre Savvy with more patience and has done so for longer than Roy with Elan.
- Villainous Rescue: HARM. Fun fact: that particular spell immediately burns up to 150 hit points off the target, to a minimum of a single hit point. Nale was one successful attack away from death.
- Walking Spoiler: Just look at the amount of spoilered entries.
- We Used to Be Friends: The mutual realization that he and Durkon can never be friends again due to their alignment differences is quite a powerful moment.
- Worthy Opponent: To Durkon, in the new Linear Guild. As with so many things about Malack's character, this takes on some more sinister implications now that we know Malack is a vampire who's interested in recruiting.Malack: ...I alone shall handle the dwarf. He deserves that honor, regardless of his minor deception.
"Hannah is a plumber, thank you, and she thinks I'm just a well-connected interior designer. I do this thing we do so she can have a good life away from all this."
Race: HumanAn old adventuring companion of Tarquin and Malack, and their team psion. Currently an adviser for Queen Shvitzer of the Empire of Sweat.
Class: Psion (probably Nomad)
Alignment: Unknown (probably Lawful Evil)
Class: Psion (probably Nomad)
Alignment: Unknown (probably Lawful Evil)
- Anti-Gravity Clothing: Her Ioun Stones fall into this category.
- Badass: Together with Tarquin, she almost defeats the entire Order. Only the timely arrival of a certain airship saves them.
- Berserk Button: Do not gloat over killing her friends. It ends badly. She also doesn't like people making off with her dead friends' possessions.
- Chekhov's Gunman: She first appears in flashback panels, but doesn't show up in person until a long time later, after a bit of Foreshadowing by Tarquin.
- Curse Cut Short: "You arrogant little sh—"
- Dispel Magic: Like Miron, she can dispel magic.
- Does This Remind You of Anything?: Her motivation for evil is to provide a good life for her daughter, and she doesn't tell her child of her villainous activities. Instead, she attributes the profit from them as derived from a legitimate occupation, and refers to those villainous activities as "this thing we do".
- Even Evil Has Loved Ones:
- She is really mad when Nale casually brags about how he murdered Malack.
- #921 reveals she has a daughter, Hannah, and that her motivation for her involvement in her team's scheme is to give her a good, safe life. She only went along with Tarquin's "kill Roy" plan so she could claim the rift valley, figuring the ocean on the other side would make for a lot of work.
- Evil Counterpart: The Vector Legion is composed of evil counterparts to the Order. With her heavy-hitting powers and Hair-Trigger Temper, she is most similar to Vaarsuvius. On a more personal level, she is willing to commit the most heinous of crimes for her children.
- Evil Parents Want Good Kids: She wants to provide a good life for her daughter, far away from the team's shenanigans, and her daughter doesn't know of Laurin's villainous activities. She's lead to believe that her mother is just a very well-connected interior designer.
- Eye Color Change: Hers turn yellow when she uses her powers. They abruptly turn an odd shade of blue when she uses her powers to peer into the Rift, though that may just be the color reflecting off her eyes.
- Fangirl: She was one for Julio Scoundrél when young. As an adult, she admits she had terrible taste at the time.
- Fantastic Racism: Seems to have a grudge against elves for living what she thinks is an idyllic forest life while people in the southern part of the continent have to fight for everything they get. She dismisses most of what Vaarsuvius says as arrogance and ordering her about.
- Honorary Aunt: Nale calls her "Aunt" in a sarcastic manner, suggesting that she was supposed to have been considered this before Nale's rebellion.
- Kick Them While They Are Down: Coldly disintegrates Nale's corpse right in front of Elan, not even giving the latter a chance to properly mourn his brother.
- Limited Wardrobe: As with Tarquin and Miron, she always wears identical clothes and shoes (only changing the color), whether she's in a desert or in a sauna.
- Living Lie Detector: She can read thoughts to tell if someone is lying. This allows Tarquin to confirm that Malack is dead and that Nale killed him.
- Luke Nounverber: Another name in an already long list.
- The Man Behind the Man: One of two advisers to Queen Shvitzer, and the real power behind the throne, just as Tarquin is to the Empress of Blood. And like him, she's done it to several different nations for years.
- Mass Teleportation: She can open wormholes big enough to transport an army.
- Mind Rape:
- As a telepath, she can stun victims with her will.
- Ends up on the receiving end when she telepathically connects with the portal into the Snarl's prison, and goes practically catatonic.
- Noodle Incident: Miron makes reference to "that time with the marids" when Laurin looks inside the ocean-filled Rift. Though given her desire to make the desert a more habitable place, it probably involved trying to steal water from the Elemental Plane of Water.
- Oh My Gods!: "Ishtar's crown..."
- Pay Evil unto Evil: She disintegrates Nale's corpse so he can't be brought Back from the Dead, as Malack cannot be brought back either due to being reduced to ash..
- Power Crystal: She's always seen with three Ioun Stones floating around her. Well, two after Blackwing steals one of them.
- Psychic Powers: Her abilities as a psion. Quite varied, though her most common and powerful tricks are instant displacements, so probably of the nomad specialization.
- Punch Clock Villain: She works with Tarquin only for her daughter's well-being. See Evil Parents Want Good Kids.
- Screw This, I'm Outta Here!: After learning that V has 25 spells plus cantrips left, she teleports away without another word.
- Screw You, Elves!: She has some choice words on the subject while fighting Vaarsuvius.
- Supernatural Gold Eyes: Her eyes glow yellow while she uses her powers.
- Teleport Spam: She uses Dimension Door a lot in battle, mostly to avoid ever getting pined down.
- Two Girls to a Team: With Jacinda in the Vector Legion.
- Underestimating Badassery: To Vaarsuvius. As soon as V tells her how many spells (s)he has left for the day, Laurin bugs out.
- Villain Exit Stage Left: Given that she's low on energy and so doesn't have enough power to defeat Varsuuvius, she teleports away instead of wasting her time fighting.
- Villainous Friendship: Judging by her reaction to Nale's gloating about killing Malack, it was clear that she and Malack were very close. Also, she and Miron get along very well.
- We Have Reserves: Inverted. She criticizes Tarquin for this attitude towards his soldiers by using them to influence Elan, pointing out that he had already lost a member of his team due to being a bad influence to Nale.
- Well-Intentioned Extremist: Wants to make her homeland a stable place and shows interest in the rift so that she could provide water to said homeland (which is a barren desert).
"I wrote you that ransom letter 'cause I figured if he was willing to pay to hold him, you might be willing to pay more to free him."
Race: HumanAn old adventuring companion of Tarquin and Malack, and served with Tarquin as Chancellor during the reign of Lord Tyrinar the Bloody. Currently serves as an adviser to the Weeping King in the Empire of Tears.
Class: Unknown (either Wizard or Sorcerer)
Alignment: Unknown (probably Lawful Evil)
Class: Unknown (either Wizard or Sorcerer)
Alignment: Unknown (probably Lawful Evil)
- Affably Evil: He's nothing but friendly to the Weeping King, but he's working behind his back with Tarquin. He and Tarquin also deposed Lord Tyrinar by letting him get eaten by a dragon.
- Bald of Evil: Like Durkon, he's been bald for decades, ever since Tarquin's flashback.
- Baleful Polymorph: He has this spell and uses it to turn a powerful Allosaurus into a little lizard.
- Buffy Speak: Calls a bidet a "splashy butt-washing thing".
- Cold-Blooded Torture: Emphasis on cold; he uses a magic wand to freeze someone's feet while they're tied up.
- Cool Mask: Wears a face wrap (constantly) that covers the bottom half of his face.
- Crazy-Prepared: Miron has a Contingency prepared to teleport him out of danger if he takes too much damage. Unfortunately, it triggers regardless of Miron's intentions and teleports him away instead of staying for the fight.
- Dispel Magic: Uses Greater Dispel Magic against V's spells.
- Evil Chancellor: He was the chancellor of Tyrinaria, and held Ian Starshine for ransom for 200,000 gold pieces.
- Evil Counterpart: Tarquin's team is similar to the Order. Between his laid-back attitude, "straightforwardly" sadistic tendencies, habit of referring to people by nicknames and Glass Cannon status, he has several parallels with Belkar.
- Exhausted Eye Bags: If you look closely, there are little crescents underneath his eyes. They don't seem to be there in flashback panels; probably just old-age indicators.
- Greed: His primary motivation. Besides attempting to ransom Haley's father, he also refuses to assist Tarquin's troops against the Order because he doesn't see the profit in it.
- I Have Your Wife: He's the one who sent Haley the message that her father was captured and being ransomed.
- Limited Wardrobe: Like Tarquin, he only changes the color of his clothes when changing nations.
- Luke Nounverber: Common in the Stickverse.
- Magic Wand: Has at least one of them, which casts cold spells.
- The Man Behind the Man: Worked with Tarquin as one, and still does it, just in a different nation.
- The Nicknamer: Tarquin is "Tarkie", and Roy is "Greatsword Dude".
- Noodle Incident:
- Has owed Tarquin a favor for 12 years for some unstated reason.
- He and Laurin had an unspecified incident involving the Plane of Water and some marids.
- Pet the Dog: When large purplish tendrils come out of the Rift, Miron immediately pulls a catatonic Laurin away.
- Poisonous Friend: To Tyrinar and to the Weeping King. His advice is genuine, but he is always working behind the king's back.
- Pragmatic Villainy: He initially refuses to help Tarquin against the Order, because there is no profit to it.
- Punch Clock Villain: Like Laurin, he's part of Tarquin's scheme for the money.
- Sarcastic Devotee: He's fine with Tarquin's schemes as long as they bring coins to his purse, but he's openly dismissive of the latter's obsession with story and drama, and even calls him by a casual nickname.
- Shoot the Mage First: V signals the entire Order to attack him with "Lord Xykon is looking quite chilly today" (referencing his scarf). A wise move, considering the amount of damage he has been doing.
- Squishy Wizard: Played with: he's squishy compared to a fighter-type like Tarquin, but still very high level. He gets shot by Haley twice, eats a lightning bolt from V, falls off a dinosaur, gets blasted with the highest-damage ray from Prismatic Spray, slashed across the chest by Roy, stabbed twice in the back by Belkar, and shot four more times by Haley. While he does survive all this, it is enough damage to trigger his Contingency, teleporting him to safety.
- Stating the Simple Solution: Is openly dismissive of Tarquin's grandiose schemes to kill Roy, stating it would be simpler to have Jacinda kill Roy in his sleep.
- Villainous Friendship: He's close enough to Tarquin to refer to him with a nickname, and willing to repay a favor twelve years after the fact. He and Laurin are also quite friendly to each other.
Race: CatfolkAn old adventuring companion of Tarquin. Currently serves as an adviser to the ruler of the Empire of Sweat.
Class: Unknown (probably Rogue and/or Assassin)
Alignment: Unknown (probably Neutral Evil)
Class: Unknown (probably Rogue and/or Assassin)
Alignment: Unknown (probably Neutral Evil)
- Back Stab: She kills Ambassador Gourntonk in one strike, probably with a sneak attack or death attack.
- Cat Folk: Humanoid with the ears, tail and tan, striped fur of a feline. Exact D&D species unknown.
- Evil Counterpart: As the rogue of the group, she obviously would be Haley's Vector Legion counterpart.
- Impossible Thief: In a flashback, she steals a flying carpet from under the feet of its owner.
- The Man Behind the Man: Assisting Laurin as adviser to Queen Shvitzer of the Empire of Sweat.
- Modesty Towel: In the flashback showing her in Queen Shvitzer's sauna.
- Two Girls to a Team: With Laurin in the Vector Legion.
Race: Human (presumably)The sixth member of Tarquin's old adventuring party. Currently working with Miron as an adviser to the Weeping King.
- Evil Counterpart: By process of elimination, to Roy.
- Flat Character: As he's only appeared in flashbacks and had one single line of dialogue, next to nothing is known about him, not even his name.
- The Man Behind the Man: Working with Miron as adviser to The Weeping King.
- Shoulders of Doom: His shoulderpads are massive, as high as his head. It's why he's most often referred to by fans as "Shoulderpads Guy".
"I lost the paperwork."
Race: Kobold (winged)First introduced as an accounts clerk for the Empire of the Blood when dealing with Those Two Bad Guys below. It quickly comes to light that he's more of a "do anything in admin" kind of guy. In short, he's Tarquin's glorified personal assistant.
Alignment: Lawful Neutral
Alignment: Lawful Neutral
- Awesome McCoolname: What's not to like about "Kilkil" for a name?
- Badass Bureaucrat: It's yet to be determined if he rates as this, action-wise, but it's implied. He's very good at getting some very dangerous things done. Who do you think arranges those spur-of-the-moment fix-ups, pageants, slave-burnings, fancy dinners and circuses? When you carry the full clout of an armed and ruthless Lawful Evil Empire behind you, you can get a lot done quickly with next-to-no backtalk.
- Beleaguered Bureaucrat: He seems to be the face of the Empire's whole administration and the poor guy who has to deliver on each of Tarquin's big ideas. Did we mention the Empire runs on paper as much as it does on Blood and that Tarquin tends to kill those for whom he has no use?
- Evil Counterpart: Well, "counterpart", at least to Belkar in the brand-new, sparkly, reforged (and completely devastated) version of the Linear Guild.
- Flight: Why walk when you have wings?
- Good with Numbers: No surprise for an accountant.
- Lizard Folk: Small, orange, D&D-style draconic kobold, at your service.
- Ludicrous Precision: He can estimate the deadliness of an attack spell to the exact percent.
- Nerd: He likes things to be organised, is clever, doesn't get from behind the desk much, is short and wears Nerd Glasses.
- Nerd Glasses: Kobolds, too, can wear gold-rimmed specs if they have to do desk-work all day.
- Obstructive Bureaucrat: "You want to get those papers 'lost' to condemn some annoyances? Perjure myself in court, too? You got it, boss!" It's not quite enough to accuse him of corruption because he's following his orders.
- Punch Clock Villain: He doesn't seem in it for the personal gratification of stomping on the unwashed masses or to do the Evil Laugh, but you can't organize half of what he does with anything like a conscience.
- Running Gag: The kobold race continues being Belkar's personal nemesis.
- The Short Guy with Glasses: Short, check; glasses, check; brainy nerd type, check.
- Theme Naming: Like the other kobolds, he has a repeated syllable name. Now, we've moved to "K"s from "Y"s.
- Token Good Teammate: The only canonically non-Evil member of the Empire's hierarchy. This is part of what makes him a Counterpart to Token Evil Teammate Belkar.
- Winged Humanoid: No explanation for why he's a winged kobold (though AD&D 2nd Edition had a race of winged kobold-kin called "urds").
The Empress of Blood
The Empress of Blood
"No one gets all up in my business, I get all up in THEIR business! OR POSSIBLY THEIR GRILL!!"
Race: Red DragonThe gluttonous ruler of the Empire of Blood; an obese red dragon who believes she can get more powerful by growing bigger (instead of growing bigger as a result of getting older and more powerful).
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
- Adipose Rex: The Empress of Blood is deliberately invoking this trope. As a Red Dragon (and either a very immature one or a very dumb one), she knows that all dragons grow larger as they grow more powerful, and believes the reverse also holds. Thus she is purposefully eating more than even her draconic metabolism can handle in order to become more powerful. (Yet, she can fly...)
- Breath Weapon: She breathes fire.
- Chewing the Scenery: She likes to do this every now and then.Empress of Blood: I am here! I am your ruler! Look at me! I am cool, but also very warm! Woooo!
- The Ditz: We see in "Plotting Something" that she's been present for the last eight strips, including Tarquin talking about how he's using her as a puppet, but is simply too stupid and/or oblivious to respond.
- Fat Idiot: A draconic version. To whit, an ambassador from Reptilia figures out Tarquin's Man Behind the Man scheme with the Empire of Sweat and Tears, only to be promptly assassinated right in front of her. She simply asks Miron (whose country her country is enemies with) for a snack.
- Flight: Yes, she can still get airborne despite her mass and ridiculously small wings.Tarquin: Quite a stumper, isn't it?
- Is It Something You Eat?: She asks this about Nale/Elan, because adventurers are crunchy and go well with ketchup.
- I Was Quite a Looker: More accurately, she used to look like a regular dragon rather than the bloated lizard she is now.
- Jabba Table Manners:Tarquin: We've decided it's best if the Empress avoids eating in front of guests from now on.
Too much clean up, both from her meal and from guests losing theirs.
- Logical Fallacies: Specifically confusing correlation with causation. Bigger dragons are more powerful, therefore getting bigger will make a dragon more powerful. How many whole cows must you eat for breakfast before you can cast arcane spells? In fact, both are simply governed by the dragon's age.
- Our Dragons Are Different: Most dragons in D&D have genius-level intelligence. The Empress... doesn't.
- Puppet King: First hypothesized by Haley, and it is soon confirmed that she's right on the money.
- Small Name, Big Ego: Among other things over-inflated, there's her opinion of herself.Empress of Blood: If anyone needs me, I will be up here on my throne, being awesome.
- Stout Strength: Sure, she's roughly the size of a blimp now, but she's still a red dragon, and in the comic with a flashback of two years earlier, she was fighting well against the Linear Guild. She probably hasn't lost the ability to hold her own if need be.
- Villainous Glutton: Due to confusion over how draconic power works.
- Unwitting Pawn: She's a figurehead for Tarquin and Malack.
"As a reptile, I've gotten through my whole life without sucking on a teat, I'm not about to start with the government's."
Race: LizardfolkA green lizardfolk who's wishing he'd never have crossed path with the Order of the Stick, or with Tarquin. The brains of his and Enor's bounty hunter duo.
Alignment: True Neutral
Alignment: True Neutral
- Big Guy, Little Guy: With Enor as the big guy.
- Blade on a Stick: His standard weapon.
- Bounty Hunter: He makes a living bringing in criminals, and he's quite up-to-date on the relevant paperwork a Lawful Evil nation requires.
- Cold Sniper: With poisoned magical crossbow bolts. Also, he's cold-blooded.
- Even Evil Has Loved Ones: He's not exactly evil, but he's definitely a jerk. Despite this, he was willing to sacrifice himself to give Enor a chance of survival.
- Even Evil Has Standards: He makes a living beating people unconscious and dragging them across international boundaries for their bounties, but it's still an honest living. He brings the people on the wanted poster and no-one else; petty fraud is beneath him.
- Exotic Equipment: Not seen onscreen, but he invites a guard to "look up 'hemipenes' because you can suck both of my—"
- Fantastic Racism: He frequently quips something demeaning toward mammals.
- Fight Scene Failure: In-universe example: A real Tear Jerker ensues, after he and Enor fail to convincingly stage their gladiator fight against each other.
- Half-Dressed Cartoon Animal: "I don't need your standard-issue loincloth, I've been walking around without pants this entire time!"
- Heel-Face Turn: After narrowly escaping from the arena, he and Enor join up with Amun-Zora to get some revenge on the Empire. He describes it as "pro bono work with the goal of settling some outstanding debts".
- Jerkass: He's not the nicest of lizardfolk around, especially if you're a mammal. But he makes the transition to Jerkass Woobie by being forced to fight Enor. He tries to force Enor into killing him so Enor has a chance to survive, and just maybe revive him at a later date. Roy puts it plainly:Roy: Jeez, that lizardfolk is a jackass, but he still doesn't deserve this. It's like forcing someone to duel their own puppy.
- Lizard Folk: Technically, Greenscale lizardfolk are supposed to be small-sized, but he's still medium.
- Obnoxious Snarker: Primarily comments on the disgusting traits of the mammals he's surrounded by.
- Pet the Dog: He may be a real jerk (at least to mammals), but has a genuine, touching affection for Enor.
- Shorter Means Smarter: He's half the size of his partner and does the thinking for the both of them.
- Those Two Bad Guys: With his best friend, Enor.
- Weapon of Choice: A ranseur and light crossbow.
- Why Did You Make Me Hit You?: Says this to Roy when he meets him in the gladiator jail.
- "Yes"/"No" Answer Interpretation: During an exchange with Haley:Gannji: So, no hard feelings on the whole kidnapping thing?
Haley: If anything happens to [my father], you'll make a very stylish handbag.
Gannji: I'm going to choose to hear that as, "We cool."
"Well, we screwed up and got yummies anyway. We should do that more often."
Race: Half-ogre/half-blue dragonA towering half-ogre, half-blue dragon hybrid. The muscle of the bounty hunter duo.
Class: Unknown (probably Fighter)
Alignment: True Neutral
Class: Unknown (probably Fighter)
Alignment: True Neutral
- Big Guy, Little Guy: With Gannji as the little guy.
- Bounty Hunter: Works as muscle for Gannji.
- Breath Weapon: He can breathe lightning.
- The Ditz: There's a reason Gannji does most of the thinking for him.
- Draconic Humanoid: He's half-dragon.
- Dumb Muscle: He does the heavy hitting against their marks, and leaves the strategic planning to Gannji.
- Fight Scene Failure: In-universe example: a real Tear Jerker ensues, after he and Gannji fail to convincingly stage their gladiator fight against each other.
- Flight: From his dragon heritage. Although his wings are clipped in the gladiator prison and the arena, preventing escape by flying away.
- Heel-Face Turn: Along with Gannji, he eventually decides to try to overthrow Tarquin.
- Horned Humanoid: One big rhino-like horn, as befits his blue dragon heritage.
- Hybrid Monster: As noted above, half-ogre, half-dragon.
- Lizard Folk: Unlike the other lizardfolk in the comic, that's not his race.
- Morality Pet: Serves as one to Gannji, because without his concern for the big oaf, he's a straight-up jerk.
- Non-Human Humanoid Hybrid: Half-dragon, half-ogre.
- No Sell: Unaffected by Elan's pun attacks.Enor: Puns are for girls.
- Talk to the Fist: As above, his response to Elan's punny attacks is a morning star to the head.
- Those Two Bad Guys: With Gannji.
- Weapon of Choice: A big morning star.
- Winged Humanoid: Large-sized half-dragons in Dungeons & Dragons always have wings, and he is no exception.
Race: HumanA captain from the Free City of Doom, she appealed to the Empire of Blood for aid when her home was attacked by the Empire of Tears. However, she learned too late what kind of people (particularly the head general) she was dealing with.
Class: Unknown (probably Fighter)
Class: Unknown (probably Fighter)
- And Now You Must Marry Me: Tarquin at one point has her imprisoned so he can force her into marriage. Elan lets her go when he stumbles onto her cell.
- Enemy Mine: Teams up with Ganji, Enor, and Ian Starshine for her rebellion against Tarquin.
- Hero of Another Story: She's not part of the Order's battles to protect the Gates because she's too busy protecting the Free City of Doom from conquest.
- It's Personal: Tarquin made sure that her husband, another soldier, was killed when the Empire of Blood helped the Empire of Tears conquer the Free City of Doom. This makes her grudge against the general personal.
- La Résistance: Begins one to fight back against the Empire of Blood — and Tarquin.
Race: Lizard FolkThe Ambassador to the Empire of Blood from the country of Reptilia. The spies of Reptilia have uncovered Tarquin's plot with the three Empires. He goes to warn the Empress of this under the guise of a diplomatic mission.
- Ambadassador: Despite being a diplomat, he knocks out the Empress of Blood's guards in order to tell her crucial information.
- Back Stab: He is killed in one strike, probably with a sneak attack or death attack.
- Frame-Up: Ian Starshine is framed for his murder. See his character sheet for more details.
- He Knows Too Much: He tries to reveal evidence of General Tarquin's conspiracy to the Empress of Blood, and is Killed Mid-Sentence by one of Tarquin's allies.
- Hero of Another Story: Possibly if he's a hero, but his murder makes it a Shoot the Shaggy Dog story.
- High-Class Glass: Ambassador Gourntonk is a lizardfolk with a monocle.
- His Name Is...: He tries to tell The Empress of Blood that Tarquin is controlling the Empires of Tears and Sweat. He is killed right as he is about to say it.
- Killed Mid-Sentence: Ambassador Gourntonk is killed mid-report of Tarquin's conspiracy to the Empress of Blood by Tarquin's Cat Folk ally Jacinda.
- The Law of Conservation of Detail: Lampshaded by Tarquin in regards to him and Ian Starshine. To Tarquin, both of them are just another plot device in his story.
- Shoot the Shaggy Dog: He tries to warn the Empress of Blood that that her two enemies are being manipulated by Tarquin not realizing that she's too stupid to do anything about it. He knocks out her guards and gets into the chamber only to be Killed Mid-Sentence. Due to his interference, Miron Shewdanker, Tarquin's ally, says that because of these events, Reptilia should probably be invaded next.
Bloodfeast the Extreme-inator
See Animal Companions.