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Funny / SF Debris - Star Trek: Enterprise

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    Season 1 
  • From "Broken Bow"
    • The Vulcan diplomat warns Starfleet that if the Vulcans hadn't talked to the Klingons, Earth would have been visited by a squadron of "Klingon Warbirds":
      Chuck: Wait a minute. Warbirds are Romulan! This guy is just dicking with them.
      Chuck (as the Vulcan diplomat): And if you are not careful, they'll send their Death Star too! Ooooooo.
    • When Archer claims that the Vulcan delegation's handling of the Klang situation is "un-Vulcan-like":
      Chuck: If I hadn't been harden by seven years of Voyager, I'd be tempted to call this a subtle way the entire stereotype of the Klingons back in the Vulcan's face. (beat) Of course, I have been so hardened, so I'll call it what it far more likely is: A hamfisted attempt to make the humans look better by making the Vulcans look worse.
    • Archer asks Hoshi to make Klang shut up, so she shouts "SHUT UP!" at him:
      Chuck: Okay, hackneyed, but I will admit it was a little amusing and I always give credit where it's due. And God only knows how much Enterprise needs that.
    • Chuck's protracted response to the NX-01's armor "going offline":
      • He then applies this same logic to other things: like Archer barking "Chair offline!" and falling on his ass, or Hoshi shouting "Wall offline!" and being blown into space.
  • From "Fight or Flight":
    • The description:
      Opinionated Enterprise Episode Guide looks at the first post-pilot episode, and things actually manage to get worse. We discover Captain Archer is insane and his crew is populated with bizarre phobias and fetishes. Plus, your one shot unstoppable alien menace of the week.
    • Then there's the ending, where Archer has to explain the situation to Star Fleet Command only to prove just how crazy and deluded he is.
      Admiral Forrest: Captain, what's this extra fuel to fly out of your way and then land on a barren planet?
      Archer: Oh, uh we wanted to drop a slug off on another planet?
      Admiral Forrest: You spent four billion dollars in fuel to transport a slug!? Are you insane, Archer?
      Archer: Uh, that's "Your Grace" to the likes of you!
  • From "Strange New World":
    • Chuck's imagined conversation involving Archer, Reed, and a nameless crewman as to explain how pointless the extra crew members are.
  • From "Unexpected":
    • Chuck commenting on the stupidity of Tucker's concern over someone putting their hands on a handrail.
  • From "Terra Nova":
    • Who dropped the asteroid on Terra Nova? The batarians!
  • From "The Andorian Incident":
    • Archer bitches about how fascist the training is because it says to change your clothes when they're dirty and not to eat your own boogers.
    • Had Shran tried to call Sisko "Brown-skin", he'd have bitch-slapped him so hard he'd make Weyoun dizzy.
  • From "Breaking the Ice":
    • "Well, just put a strip of duct tape on that, and let's see what happens." *fire starts* "Okay, let's try two strips."
  • From the review of "Civilization":
    Archer: Starfleet could've sent a probe out here to make maps and take pictures, but they didn't. They sent us.
    Chuck: Yeah, that was money well spent, wasn't it? (Imitating Archer) Hey, thanks for sending us out here instead of a probe! We skipped all the rare astronautical phenomena so I could show you this — a picture of a boat! That's me in the helmet with the horns on it, dumping the mug of beer on Mayweather's head, and Tucker managed to sleep with an alien and not get knocked up for once. SUCK IT, PROBE!
  • From "Fortunate Son":
  • From "Cold Front":
    • Archer's model is "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me, you're an asshole."
  • From "Silent Enemy":
    • Apparently, the aliens of the week give a whole new meaning to the term, "dickhead".
  • From "Dear Doctor":
    • Phlox being portrayed as a massive Dr. Jerk:
      Chuck: We see Phlox going about his daily duty. For instance; he casually strolls through the halls of the ship and winds up in Engineering, then slowly climbs up a ladder to where Tucker is sitting with an injured proto-Red Shirt. Ah, so I can see why he took his time; it is not as though burns are painful or potentially serious or anything. Yeah, you can certainly see how the man cares as a a healer.
      Tucker: Doc! Lenny's hurt! Can you hurry it up?
      Phlox: No. And let me prescribe you a dose of maximum strength "Fuck Off".
      • As Tucker gently weeps while watching for For Whom the Bell Tolls:
        Tucker: (sobbing) Lenny loved this movie. Couldn't you have saved him?
        Phlox: Quiet! Unless you want another dose to be taken rectally.
    • There is a minor scene in which Phlox gives T'Pol a dental examination. T'Pol opens her mouth surprisingly wide for Phlox, leading to Chuck saying "Jeez, T'Pol! What was your last job, giving blowjobs to Optimus Prime}}?"
  • In his "Sleeping Dogs" review we get this exchange:
    Klingon Woman: (looking at a hypospray) What is that? Is that what you used against my crew?
    Chuck (as Archer): What, this? Nah, this is just the cure for the Valakians. Sometimes I just like to hold it and laugh until I fall off my stool.
  • From "Shadows of P'Jem":
    • The review starts out with Chuck pointing out that knowing the weapon's name doesn't mean anything, Archer could've called that weapon "Penis Umbrella".
  • From "Shuttlepod One":
    • Chuck points out that he wasn't joking when he said that Archer hid some booze in the shuttlepod.
  • From "Fusion":
    • Chuck comments the Vulcan captain greeting Archer with "It's nice to meet you," rather suspicious both because it is uncharacteristic of Vulcans to great people in such a manner, and because he cannot imagine that anyone would feel happy about running into Archer.
    • Trip's interaction with the naïve Vulcan who asks about rumors he has heard about humans:
      Vulcan: Is it true you mate year round with any [woman] you choose?
      Chuck (as Trip): That's absurd and offensive! We fish car-keys out of a big bowl, see, and...
      Vulcan: But I've heard lot of stories. You people include their passions. Do you really eat six meals a day?
      (Trip looks at the Vulcan with befuddlement)
      Chuck (as Trip): I can't imagine having so few!
    • Archer showing his usual level of diplomatic competence when speaking with the emotionally unstable Tolaris:
      Chuck: Tolaris gets really defensive, and Archer... He's quite good at pushing people's buttons. Let's face it: If you wanna tick someone off, you send in Jonathan Archer — preferably with the instructions to be as "accommodating as possible" — and then... Just watch the master at work. This man could make Gandhi kick him in the nuts.
  • In "Rogue Planet", Archer says that hunting "went out of style" over a hundred years before. Chuck rants that humans in the 21st century can't agree on how to treat other humans, much less animals. He then theorizes that there were no openly gay people in Star Trek because sometime in the late 21st century, the entire world got together and agreed to adopt every far-left position on every possible issue in exchange for pushing gay people back in the closet.
  • From "Acquisition":
  • From "Detained":
    • The accompanying pictures when Chuck first says Archer's and Mayweather's names.
    • When Archer repeatedly harasses the Suliban prisoner Danik and his daughter because he assumes they are members of the cabal, despite having no evidence for that assertion, culminating in Danik missing curfew and getting tossed into solitary confinement
      Chuck: This is why Archer likely invented the Prime Directive; because it was Star Fleet's way of trying to stop his habitual buffoonery.
      • When some time has passed after the aforementioned incident, Archer spots Danik in the recreation room and tries talking with him.
        Chuck: In the recreation area, [Archer] spots the guy, and decides that — after unwittingly hurling bigoted accusations at the guy until he was thrown in a metal box — obviously he's made a new friend!
        Danik: (to Archer) If you have come to apologize, don't. It was just a misunderstanding.
        Chuck: And he's afraid that if Archer tries to help him, he'll get send to the gas chamber.
  • From "Vox Sola":
    • All of the innuendos, since the creature is known as the "Cum Creature".
    • Chuck makes a snarky comment about tentacle monsters and Japanese girls being natural enemies after Hoshi gives the creature a Death Glare.
  • From "Fallen Hero":
  • From "Desert Crossing":
    • Chuck remarking on how Zobral seems to consistently be a really Horrible Judge of Character when it comes to his assessments about Archer:
      Zobral: I must warn you, Captain. I'm easily offended.
      Chuck: ...Well, then you're having lunch with the wrong guy.

      Zobral: I scanned your vessel... You have an arsenal of powerful weapons... But, more importantly, I-I need your wisdom.
      Chuck: Boy, you have backed the wrong horse this time, Zobral.
    • Chuck discussing how yet another thing that Archer and his crew claim to be extensively trained in turns out to be once again be an Informed Attribute. This time it is "Desert Survival":
      Chuck: Remember that they stopped in at the shuttle pod to get supplies? Well, those supplies obviously didn't include: Sunscreen, sunglasses, desert clothing of any kind, a decent amount of water, no lighter, no first-aid kit, no purification tablets, and this is after being told repeatedly that these two did desert survival training. In fact, Archer mentions it right now: "Oh, yes, before we landed I did my desert survival training to see where there might be shelter!" He apparently added to that: "Hmm, thirty kilometer march, no shade, wrong gear, insufficient water, and it's the day time. Oh, yeah, those are great odds!" So "Desert Crossing" is less "two men braving the challenges of nature at its worst" and more like "Abbott and Costello in the Foreign Legion".
  • From "Two Days and Two Nights":
    • Chuck going for the obvious joke and comparing Trip and Reed hanging around a bar in flashy suits and trying to pick women to "The Roxbury Guys", complete with "What is Love?" playing in the background of that scene.
      Chuck: I honestly don't know if it's better or worse if they did this intentionally. On the one hand, stumbling into it is precisely what I would expect from Enterprise, but on the other, thinking that they are in on the joke, when they're actually making themselves the butt of the joke is also typically Enterprise.
    • When Keyla's dog appears on Archer's balcony, Chuck notices that the episode never actually explains how that could possibly happen.
      Chuck: When Archer discovers that his neighbor's dog managed to get up on his balcony in the few seconds it took him to get a drink, he questions it, but quickly forgets about figuring out an answer. Unless that dog had superpowers, there is no way it got up here on its own. But the owner comes over and acts like it's nothing special that her pet can either: fly, stick to walls, has a spelunking kit, or can warp the fabric of space and time.
    • Keyla wonders if they will name schools in Archer's honor after the completion of his mission:
      Archer: (chuckles) "Archer Elementary"... It has a nice ring to it.
      Chuck: Well, I do think of elementary school when I think of the brilliance of Jonathan Archer...

    Season 2 
  • From "Carbon Creek":
    • Chuck thinks that the Voyager episode "11:59" won't be terrifying, only to cut to Janeway's ancestor and her grandson saying "We're gonna steal your soul."
  • From "Minefield":
    • Chuck joking that the Romulans have the philosophy of the "What, me worry?" kid.
  • From "Dead Stop":
    • Archer's distress call goes a little like this. "Heeellllpppp!!!"
  • From "A Night in Sickbay".
  • From "Future Tense":
    • Chuck mentioning that you do not call out the Sisko for things like misunderstanding salvage rights unless you need a tooth or two removed.
  • From the "Regeneration" review, the hypothetical conversation between Picard and the Bynars, where he accuses them of being no different from the Borg, but the Bynars say they only replace parts of the brains of helpless children. Picard: "Damn, I'm torn between my hatred of the Borg and my hatred of children!"
  • From "First Flight": The synopsis alone.
    Opinionated Episode Guide looks at First Flight, the episode that tries to explain how Archer became captain of Enterprise. Of course, there is no explaining that. It's inexplicable.
    • Trip gets a little confused on the definition of "indefinitely", and assumes it means the Vulcans haven't made up their minds.
      Trip: This is the best news I've heard since I found a cigarette in my beer and Ruby let me keep it for free!
  • From "Bounty":
    • Regarding Phlox's Shirtless Scene. "You've seen it, and you can't unsee it!"
    • The various snides about the Tellarites' physical appearances.
    • This episode isn't a tech-tech episode, it's a "slap things with our dicks" episode.
    • Archer's and the Tellarite's conversation is summarized with a section of the Bohemian Rhapsody, culminating in Chuck singing "I'm just a doctor, nobody loves me. He's just a doctor with barbed ding-a-ling!"
  • From "The Expanse":
    • The review's description says that we're screwed because Enterprise has to go and save Planet Earth.

    Season 3 
  • From "Impulse":
    • When T'Pol offers to take the helm of the shuttlepod.
      Archer: Sure, let me just reach into my pocket here and get the key out for you. (flips her the bird) Ah, yeah, there it is. Now stay there and shut up while I go to rescue Vulcans who got themselves lost, huh. I am so rubbing it in their faces.
    • When Archer climbs a ladder several insane Vulcans grabs onto his leg and tries to drag him down:
      Chuck: Oh yeah, he's going to bring that one up later. Another instance of "the Vulcans holding him back."
  • From "North Star":
    • "The only thing I hate more than a Vulcan is a bigot!"
    • Chuck nicknames the deputy "Captain Wonka Hat" thanks to his hat.
  • From "Similitude", T'Pol reveals the plan to clone Trip after he is mortally wounded in order to harvest the clone's organs is considered illegal and unethical on the planet the cloning alien comes from Chuck has this response:
    Chuck: Illegal and unethical? (laughing) When has that ever stopped Phlox? (suddenly dead serious) No, really; when has that ever stopped Phlox?
  • From "Carpenter Street" Chuck's summarization of Daniels: "I'm a tool, I'm a tool, I'm a tool, tool, tool, an unbelievably annoying tool."
    J.D.: Yeah.
  • In "Azati Prime", Chuck makes his first Quantum Leap joke related to Archer. Of course, given the wibbly-wobboly time travel stuff of Season 3 and ENT as a whole, it was probably long overdue.
  • In "Damage", Tucker relaxing to "The Hamster Dance", which returns during T'Pol's shower dream sequence with him.
    • Chuck's summarization of T'Pol's subplot: "She's jonesing for some smack. I'm not joking."
  • From "The Forgotten":
    • Chuck's imagining of how Trip would dictate the letter.

    Season 4 
  • From "Storm Front, Part I":
    • Chuck dubbing one of the Nazi officers "Kamendant Nazi von Farfugnugen".
  • From "Storm Front, Part II", as Silik lays dying and tells Archer that he considers him a Worthy Opponent.
    Chuck: And I can't disagree. Silik never impressed me either.
  • From "Borderland":
    • After Arik asks Archer if they're naming a prison after him, Chuck scoffs at this idea with "What next, the Tuvok Penal Colony, the Sisko Penitentiary, Riker's Island? Okay, that last one was a bad example."
    • Chuck notices the effects of the new writing team:
      Chuck: Well, Enterprise is launching on a whole new mission now, so Archer feels he needs to commemorate it with a speech. (with trepidation) Damn him...
      Archer: (stands up) Here we are again... (long pause, as he looks to the other crew members) Wouldn't have it any other way. (sits down again)
      Chuck: Holy shi— That's it? Not one stupid metaphor? Not one puffed-up bit of tripe? Not a single mentioning of an animal, just to say that you're nothing like that animal? This really is under new management...
    • Malik brags about his augmented super-human reflexes and strength when he quickly manages to subdue Archer, but Chuck, knowing Archer's track record, fails to be impressed:
      Malik: (using Archer as a Human Shield as he holds him in a choke-hold) You see? Even with a warning...
      Chuck: Well, that doesn't prove anything! Archer is the most easily beaten-up person in all of Star Trek. Jonathan Archer is what happens when a punching bag wishes it was a real boy!
  • From "Cold Station 12":
    • When Archer tries to coax Smike into telling him what his siblings are planning:
      Archer: If the Klingons find them before we do—
      Smike: Then more Klingons will die!
      Chuck: That's, um, that's not a bad point, actually. "You've gotta help me, Lois Lane! If you don't, then that man with the crowbar is going to attack Superman!"
    • Chuck makes another jab at "Dear Doctor":
      Chuck: Doctor Lucas had been brought up in the show before; he was the one receiving the letter back in "Dear Doctor". Right now he is working to find the cure to deadly diseases and, based on that episode, I'm guessing to then file them away and never use them to save anyone at all.
    • When Soong gets to the embryos, Chuck says, "It's the most beautiful greenscreen I've ever seen!"
  • From "The Augments":
    • Chuck says that he never rooted for the villains to win before because none of them tried to prevent Star Trek: Insurrection from happening.
  • From "Observer Effect":
    • Chuck is ever so grateful for Phlox telling Hoshi not to use the bio-gel since he's really not into leper porn.
  • From "Affliction":
  • From "Divergence":
    • Chuck describing Enterprise and Columbia's unorthodox method of bringing Trip aboard Enterprise with as many double entendres as he can.
    • He suggests that in the Discovery time period an early attempt at a cure brought back the Klingon ridges with a side effect of losing their hair.
  • "In a Mirror, Darkly":
  • In "These Are the Voyages...":

  • Any and all comments regarding how much contempt Chuck has for the "space redneck" persona given Tucker throughout these reviews.

Example of: