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- From "Broken Bow"
- The Vulcan diplomat warns Starfleet that if the Vulcans hadn't talked to the Klingons, Earth would have been visited by a squadron of "Klingon Warbirds":Chuck: Wait a minute. Warbirds are Romulan! This guy is just dicking with them.
Chuck (as the Vulcan diplomat): And if you are not careful, they'll send their Death Star too! Ooooooo.
- When Archer claims that the Vulcan delegation's handling of the Klang situation is "un-Vulcan-like":Chuck: If I hadn't been harden by seven years of Voyager, I'd be tempted to call this a subtle way the entire stereotype of the Klingons back in the Vulcan's face. (beat) Of course, I have been so hardened, so I'll call it what it far more likely is: A hamfisted attempt to make the humans look better by making the Vulcans look worse.
- Archer asks Hoshi to make Klang shut up, so she shouts "SHUT UP!" at him:
- Chuck's protracted response to the NX-01's armor "going offline":
- He then applies this same logic to other things: like Archer barking "Chair offline!" and falling on his ass, or Hoshi shouting "Wall offline!" and being blown into space.
- The Vulcan diplomat warns Starfleet that if the Vulcans hadn't talked to the Klingons, Earth would have been visited by a squadron of "Klingon Warbirds":
- From "Fight or Flight":
- The description:Opinionated Enterprise Episode Guide looks at the first post-pilot episode, and things actually manage to get worse. We discover Captain Archer is insane and his crew is populated with bizarre phobias and fetishes. Plus, your one shot unstoppable alien menace of the week.
- Then there's the ending, where Archer has to explain the situation to Star Fleet Command only to prove just how crazy and deluded he is.Admiral Forrest: Captain, what's this extra fuel to fly out of your way and then land on a barren planet?
Archer: Oh, uh we wanted to drop a slug off on another planet?
Admiral Forrest: You spent four billion dollars in fuel to transport a slug!? Are you insane, Archer?
Archer: Uh, that's "Your Grace" to the likes of you!
- The description:
- From "Strange New World":
- Chuck's imagined conversation involving Archer, Reed, and a nameless crewman as to explain how pointless the extra crew members are.
- From "Unexpected":
- Chuck commenting on the stupidity of Tucker's concern over someone putting their hands on a handrail.
- From "Terra Nova":
- Who dropped the asteroid on Terra Nova? The batarians!
- From "The Andorian Incident":
- Archer bitches about how fascist the training is because it says to change your clothes when they're dirty and not to eat your own boogers.
- Had Shran tried to call Sisko "Brown-skin", he'd have bitch-slapped him so hard he'd make Weyoun dizzy.
- From "Breaking the Ice":
- "Well, just put a strip of duct tape on that, and let's see what happens." *fire starts* "Okay, let's try two strips."
- From the review of "Civilization":Archer: Starfleet could've sent a probe out here to make maps and take pictures, but they didn't. They sent us.
Chuck: Yeah, that was money well spent, wasn't it? (Imitating Archer) Hey, thanks for sending us out here instead of a probe! We skipped all the rare astronautical phenomena so I could show you this — a picture of a boat! That's me in the helmet with the horns on it, dumping the mug of beer on Mayweather's head, and Tucker managed to sleep with an alien and not get knocked up for once. SUCK IT, PROBE!
- From "Fortunate Son":
- Archer is told by command that he needs to turn the Enterprise around. Why? Well, Chuck's reason is that Starfleet wants Archer to go back to Earth to face trial and the commander starts reading from a List of Transgressions:
- From "Cold Front":
- Archer's model is "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...wow, you're an asshole."
- From "Silent Enemy":
- Apparently, the aliens of the week give a whole new meaning to the term, "dickhead".
- From "Dear Doctor":
- Phlox being portrayed as a massive Dr. Jerk:Chuck: We see Phlox going about his daily duty. For instance; he casually strolls through the halls of the ship and winds up in Engineering, then slowly climbs up a ladder to where Tucker is sitting with an injured proto-Red Shirt. Ah, so I can see why he took his time; it is not as though burns are painful or potentially serious or anything. Yeah, you can certainly see how the man cares as a a healer.
Tucker: Doc! Lenny's hurt! Can you hurry it up?
Phlox: No. And let me prescribe you a dose of maximum strength "Fuck Off".
- As Tucker gently weeps while watching for For Whom the Bell Tolls:Tucker: (sobbing) Lenny loved this movie. Couldn't you have saved him?
Phlox: Quiet! Unless you want another dose to be taken rectally.
- As Tucker gently weeps while watching for For Whom the Bell Tolls:
- There is a minor scene in which Phlox gives T'Pol a dental examination. T'Pol opens her mouth surprisingly wide for Phlox, leading to Chuck saying "Jeez, T'Pol! What was your last job, giving blowjobs to Optimus Prime}}?"
- Phlox being portrayed as a massive Dr. Jerk:
- In his "Sleeping Dogs" review we get this exchange:Klingon Woman: (looking at a hypospray) What is that? Is that what you used against my crew?
Chuck (as Archer): What, this? Nah, this is just the cure for the Valakians. Sometimes I just like to hold it and laugh until I fall off my stool.
- From "Shadows of P'Jem":
- The review starts out with Chuck pointing out that knowing the weapon's name doesn't mean anything, Archer could've called that weapon "Penis Umbrella".
- From "Shuttlepod One":
- Chuck points out that he wasn't joking when he said that Archer hid some booze in the shuttlepod.
- From "Fusion":
- Chuck comments the Vulcan captain greeting Archer with "It's nice to meet you," rather suspicious both because it is uncharacteristic of Vulcans to great people in such a manner, and because he cannot imagine that anyone would feel happy about running into Archer.
- Trip's interaction with the naïve Vulcan who asks about rumors he has heard about humans:Vulcan: Is it true you mate year round with any [woman] you choose?
Chuck (as Trip): That's absurd and offensive! We fish car-keys out of a big bowl, see, and...
Vulcan: But I've heard lot of stories. You people include their passions. Do you really eat six meals a day?
(Trip looks at the Vulcan with befuddlement)
Chuck (as Trip): I can't imagine having so few!
- Archer showing his usual level of diplomatic competence when speaking with the emotionally unstable Tolaris:Chuck: Tolaris gets really defensive, and Archer... He's quite good at pushing people's buttons. Let's face it: If you wanna tick someone off, you send in Jonathan Archer — preferably with the instructions to be as "accommodating as possible" — and then... Just watch the master at work. This man could make Gandhi kick him in the nuts.
- In "Rogue Planet", Archer says that hunting "went out of style" over a hundred years before. Chuck rants that humans in the 21st century can't agree on how to treat other humans, much less animals. He then theorizes that there were no openly gay people in Star Trek because sometime in the late 21st century, the entire world got together and agreed to adopt every far-left position on every possible issue in exchange for pushing gay people back in the closet.
- From "Acquisition":
- "High ho, high ho, it's off to work I go. My name is Trip, and I've got a big prick, yaho, high ho. Hey, look alive there, Myers, that warp core won't align itself."
- From "Detained":
- The accompanying pictures when Chuck first says Archer's and Mayweather's names.
- When Archer repeatedly harasses the Suliban prisoner Danik and his daughter because he assumes they are members of the cabal, despite having no evidence for that assertion, culminating in Danik missing curfew and getting tossed into solitary confinementChuck: This is why Archer likely invented the Prime Directive; because it was Star Fleet's way of trying to stop his habitual buffoonery.
- When some time has passed after the aforementioned incident, Archer spots Danik in the recreation room and tries talking with him.Chuck: In the recreation area, [Archer] spots the guy, and decides that — after unwittingly hurling bigoted accusations at the guy until he was thrown in a metal box — obviously he's made a new friend!
Danik: (to Archer) If you have come to apologize, don't. It was just a misunderstanding.
Chuck: And he's afraid that if Archer tries to help him, he'll get send to the gas chamber.
- When some time has passed after the aforementioned incident, Archer spots Danik in the recreation room and tries talking with him.
- From "Vox Sola":
- From "Fallen Hero":
- After Trip mentions a Nuvian, the "What's a Nubian? Shut the fuck up!" clip plays.
- From "Desert Crossing":
- Chuck remarking on how Zobral seems to consistently be a really Horrible Judge of Character when it comes to his assessments about Archer:Zobral: I must warn you, Captain. I'm easily offended.
Chuck: ...Well, then you're having lunch with the wrong guy.
Zobral: I scanned your vessel... You have an arsenal of powerful weapons... But, more importantly, I-I need your wisdom.
Chuck: Boy, you have backed the wrong horse this time, Zobral.
- Chuck discussing how yet another thing that Archer and his crew claim to be extensively trained in turns out to be once again be an Informed Attribute. This time it is "Desert Survival":Chuck: Remember that they stopped in at the shuttle pod to get supplies? Well, those supplies obviously didn't include: Sunscreen, sunglasses, desert clothing of any kind, a decent amount of water, no lighter, no first-aid kit, no purification tablets, and this is after being told repeatedly that these two did desert survival training. In fact, Archer mentions it right now: "Oh, yes, before we landed I did my desert survival training to see where there might be shelter!" He apparently added to that: "Hmm, thirty kilometer march, no shade, wrong gear, insufficient water, and it's the day time. Oh, yeah, those are great odds!" So "Desert Crossing" is less "two men braving the challenges of nature at its worst" and more like "Abbott and Costello in the Foreign Legion".
- Chuck remarking on how Zobral seems to consistently be a really Horrible Judge of Character when it comes to his assessments about Archer:
- From "Two Days and Two Nights":
- Chuck going for the obvious joke and comparing Trip and Reed hanging around a bar in flashy suits and trying to pick women to "The Roxbury Guys", complete with "What is Love?" playing in the background of that scene.Chuck: I honestly don't know if it's better or worse if they did this intentionally. On the one hand, stumbling into it is precisely what I would expect from Enterprise, but on the other, thinking that they are in on the joke, when they're actually making themselves the butt of the joke is also typically Enterprise.
- When Keyla's dog appears on Archer's balcony, Chuck notices that the episode never actually explains how that could possibly happen.Chuck: When Archer discovers that his neighbor's dog managed to get up on his balcony in the few seconds it took him to get a drink, he questions it, but quickly forgets about figuring out an answer. Unless that dog had superpowers, there is no way it got up here on its own. But the owner comes over and acts like it's nothing special that her pet can either: fly, stick to walls, has a spelunking kit, or can warp the fabric of space and time.
- Keyla wonders if they will name schools in Archer's honor after the completion of his mission:Archer: (chuckles) "Archer Elementary"... It has a nice ring to it.
Chuck: Well, I do think of elementary school when I think of the brilliance of Jonathan Archer...
- Chuck going for the obvious joke and comparing Trip and Reed hanging around a bar in flashy suits and trying to pick women to "The Roxbury Guys", complete with "What is Love?" playing in the background of that scene.
- From "Carbon Creek":
- Chuck thinks that the Voyager episode "11:59" won't be terrifying, only to cut to Janeway's ancestor and her grandson saying "We're gonna steal your soul."
- From "Minefield":
- Chuck joking that the Romulans have the philosophy of the "What, me worry?" kid.
- From "Dead Stop":
- Archer's distress call goes a little like this. "Heeellllpppp!!!"
- From "A Night in Sickbay".
- Chuck explains why dogs don't make good diplomatsChuck (as Archer): No, Porthos! We cannot reduce troop presence in South Korea! BAD DOG! BAD DOG!
- Chuck saying that the model of Porthos used was based on the same technology as the model of Robert Beltran used on Voyager.
- As Archer goes into his Freudian Slippery Slope with T'Pol, we cut to Picard Face Palming after each Freudian slip.
- Addressing the undertones Archer being horny starting now and ending now gives to the character.
- Chuck's breakdown at the end of part two.Chuck: Just. Stop. Talking, Phlox. Please! The last time you [and Archer] tried to have a serious medical conversation [in "Dear Doctor"], you condemned an entire race to death, and you killed the show doing it! (sobbing) And yet it's still coming! It won't stop! HOW DO YOU KILL A STAR TREK SHOW THAT'S ALREADY DEAD?!
Phlox: Sexual tension, captain, there's no doubt in my mind.
Chuck: (sigh) Remember, if they don't stop coming: always save the last bullet for yourself.
- Chuck explains why dogs don't make good diplomats
- From "Future Tense":
- Chuck mentioning that you do not call out the Sisko for things like misunderstanding salvage rights unless you need a tooth or two removed.
- From the "Regeneration" review, the hypothetical conversation between Picard and the Bynars, where he accuses them of being no different from the Borg, but the Bynars say they only replace parts of the brains of helpless children. Picard: "Damn, I'm torn between my hatred of the Borg and my hatred of children!"
- From "First Flight": The synopsis alone.Opinionated Episode Guide looks at First Flight, the episode that tries to explain how Archer became captain of Enterprise. Of course, there is no explaining that. It's inexplicable.
- Trip gets a little confused on the definition of "indefinitely", and assumes it means the Vulcans haven't made up their minds.Trip: This is the best news I've heard since I found a cigarette in my beer and Ruby let me keep it for free!
- Trip gets a little confused on the definition of "indefinitely", and assumes it means the Vulcans haven't made up their minds.
- From "Bounty":
- Regarding Phlox's Shirtless Scene. "You've seen it, and you can't unsee it!"
- The various snides about the Tellarites' physical appearances.
- This episode isn't a tech-tech episode, it's a "slap things with our dicks" episode.
- Archer's and the Tellarite's conversation is summarized with a section of the Bohemian Rhapsody, culminating in Chuck singing "I'm just a doctor, nobody loves me. He's just a doctor with barbed ding-a-ling!"
- From "The Expanse":
- The review's description says that we're screwed because Enterprise has to go and save Planet Earth.
- From "Impulse":
- When T'Pol offers to take the helm of the shuttlepod.Archer: Sure, let me just reach into my pocket here and get the key out for you. (flips her the bird) Ah, yeah, there it is. Now stay there and shut up while I go to rescue Vulcans who got themselves lost, huh. I am so rubbing it in their faces.
- When Archer climbs a ladder several insane Vulcans grabs onto his leg and tries to drag him down:Chuck: Oh yeah, he's going to bring that one up later. Another instance of "the Vulcans holding him back."
- When T'Pol offers to take the helm of the shuttlepod.
- From "North Star":
- "The only thing I hate more than a Vulcan is a bigot!"
- Chuck nicknames the deputy "Captain Wonka Hat" thanks to his hat.
- From "Similitude", T'Pol reveals the plan to clone Trip after he is mortally wounded in order to harvest the clone's organs is considered illegal and unethical on the planet the cloning alien comes from Chuck has this response:Chuck: Illegal and unethical? (laughing) When has that ever stopped Phlox? (suddenly dead serious) No, really; when has that ever stopped Phlox?
- From "Carpenter Street" Chuck's summarization of Daniels: "I'm a tool, I'm a tool, I'm a tool, tool, tool, an unbelievably annoying tool."J.D.: Yeah.
- In "Azati Prime", Chuck makes his first Quantum Leap joke related to Archer. Of course, given the wibbly-wobboly time travel stuff of Season 3 and ENT as a whole, it was probably long overdue.
- In "Damage", Tucker relaxing to "The Hamster Dance", which returns during T'Pol's shower dream sequence with him.
- Chuck's summarization of T'Pol's subplot: "She's jonesing for some smack. I'm not joking."
- From "The Forgotten":
- Chuck's imagining of how Trip would dictate the letter.
- From "Storm Front, Part I":
- Chuck dubbing one of the Nazi officers "Kamendant Nazi von Farfugnugen".
- From "Storm Front, Part II", as Silik lays dying and tells Archer that he considers him a Worthy Opponent.Chuck: And I can't disagree. Silik never impressed me either.
- From "Borderland":
- After Arik asks Archer if they're naming a prison after him, Chuck scoffs at this idea with "What next, the Tuvok Penal Colony, the Sisko Penitentiary, Riker's Island? Okay, that last one was a bad example."
- Chuck notices the effects of the new writing team:Chuck: Well, Enterprise is launching on a whole new mission now, so Archer feels he needs to commemorate it with a speech. (with trepidation) Damn him...
Archer: (stands up) Here we are again... (long pause, as he looks to the other crew members) Wouldn't have it any other way. (sits down again)
Chuck: Holy shi— That's it? Not one stupid metaphor? Not one puffed-up bit of tripe? Not a single mentioning of an animal, just to say that you're nothing like that animal? This really is under new management...
- Malik brags about his augmented super-human reflexes and strength when he quickly manages to subdue Archer, but Chuck, knowing Archer's track record, fails to be impressed:Malik: (using Archer as a Human Shield as he holds him in a choke-hold) You see? Even with a warning...
Chuck: Well, that doesn't prove anything! Archer is the most easily beaten-up person in all of Star Trek. Jonathan Archer is what happens when a punching bag wishes it was a real boy!
- From "Cold Station 12":
- When Archer tries to coax Smike into telling him what his siblings are planning:Archer: If the Klingons find them before we do—
Smike: Then more Klingons will die!
Chuck: That's, um, that's not a bad point, actually. "You've gotta help me, Lois Lane! If you don't, then that man with the crowbar is going to attack Superman!"
- Chuck makes another jab at "Dear Doctor":Chuck: Doctor Lucas had been brought up in the show before; he was the one receiving the letter back in "Dear Doctor". Right now he is working to find the cure to deadly diseases and, based on that episode, I'm guessing to then file them away and never use them to save anyone at all.
- When Soong gets to the embryos, Chuck says, "It's the most beautiful greenscreen I've ever seen!"
- When Archer tries to coax Smike into telling him what his siblings are planning:
- From "The Augments":
- Chuck says that he never rooted for the villains to win before because none of them tried to prevent Star Trek: Insurrection from happening.
- From "Observer Effect":
- Chuck is ever so grateful for Phlox telling Hoshi not to use the bio-gel since he's really not into leper porn.
- From "Affliction":
- Chuck telling Seth MacFarlane's character that he'd better "Aye, sir" since he doesn't expect to see him captain a starship.
- Chuck refuses to let go of the incident of "Dear Doctor" because he doesn't accept the "it was just that one time" excuse for committing genocide by inaction.
- From "Divergence":
- Chuck describing Enterprise and Columbia's unorthodox method of bringing Trip aboard Enterprise with as many double entendres as he can.
- He suggests that in the Discovery time period an early attempt at a cure brought back the Klingon ridges with a side effect of losing their hair.
- "In a Mirror, Darkly":
- Mirror Archer asking advice from the other captains, represented by pictures of bearded Shatner, Stewart, and Brooks, and one photoshopped on Mulgrew. And Mirror Janeway turns out to be an annoying Granola Girl.
- The whole thing is a piece of brilliance from start to finish really...Mirror Archer: Okay I have a brilliant plan to preserve our empire but Forest is in the way. Options?
Mirror Kirk: Kill him!
Mirror Picard: Don't be an idiot. Mutiny, then kill him!
Mirror Kirk: Ooh, even better!
Mirror Sisko: I could get behind either one really... even kill him and mutiny against yourself, that sounds pretty good! Heh heh heh...
Mirror Janeway: I've taken the liberty of writing Forest this letter pointing out the various pros in the position and how it can benefit both the empire and himself personally at minimal risk to the ship. You see I made the paper myself using a mixture of raw flax and hemp, fermenting it for weeks...
Mirror Archer: Shut up.
Mirror Janeway: Sorry, I get carried away sometimes. But look at this calligraphy...
Mirror Archer: Shut, up!
Mirror Janeway: Looks like Mr. Grumpypants needs to change into a pair of Happyslacks!
- The whole thing is a piece of brilliance from start to finish really...
- Then there's the second part, where Mirror!Kirk gets tired of Mirror!Picard sassing him, and threatens him with his worst nightmare. When Mirror!Picard fears Mirror!Kirk's going to rape him with a giant spider, Mirror!Kirk says he's just gonna shoot him... and Mirror!Picard tears into him for thinking he'd be scared of something so petty. Meanwhile, we finally find out what would make Mirror!Janeway crack:What in the name of Mother Earth's cunt happened to my brownies!?
- Which makes it somewhat amusing to speculate whether Chuck's depiction of Mirror!Janeway being constantly stoned out of her mind, might be something enforced by the denizens of the Mirror Universe, as a measure to keep her even slightly under control and the rest of them safe?!
- It's also hilarious that for the second "In A Mirror Darkly" video, the usual starting theme - Kryptonite, by Three Doors Down - is played backwards over the opening sequence.
- Mirror Archer asking advice from the other captains, represented by pictures of bearded Shatner, Stewart, and Brooks, and one photoshopped on Mulgrew. And Mirror Janeway turns out to be an annoying Granola Girl.
- In "These Are the Voyages...":
- Chuck's comment on the opening of the episode:Chuck: The crew are preparing to return Enterprise home to be put in mothballs. Now, shockingly, this is not due to Archer's repeated lunacy finally being too big to cover up and returning home in disgrace. It is just hard to tell, because from the first second the episode has the same feel that Season 1 did, rather than the later growth gave it; Season 4 Archer I could believe helping move Earth towards forming the Federation. Season 1 Archer could not get people to come together to give him an intervention!
- This bit:Riker: (apparently talking to Reed (actually he is talking to Hoshi) about Tucker) Did you ever find yourself attracted to him?
Chuck (as Reed): Why does everyone keep asking me that?! Yes, we were drunk and snuggled up together on that shuttlepod, but only because it was cold! ...And that erection was only the fabric rubbing me funny.
- Chuck explaining how this episode is a worthy successor to previous Trek finales:Chuck: Now, spoilers if you haven't seen the other finales, but we've had a pretty impressive run with them: Janeway battling Borg every step of the way to thwart their menace and get her crew home; Sisko bringing final victory in their war against the Dominion and ending the Pah'wraith threat against the Bajorans; and Picard preserving the very existence of humanity and likely every other sapient species in this entire quadrant. And now, Archer shall get into a small firefight with some criminals on a CATWALK! ("You're The Best (Around)" plays as Archer beams proudly at the camera)
- When said firefight on the catwalk happens, Chuck points out that it gets even more anti-climatic when you consider the fact that it doesn't actually happen for real, but is really just Riker "playing Call of Duty: Ghosts of the Franchise".
- Chuck is as irritated as us when the writers misuse a trope:Archer: Rigel was the first place we visited, and now it's going to be the last. Poetic justice.
Chuck: What? That's not... "Poetic justice" is a concept in fiction where evil is punished and good is rewarded, often combined with a sense of Dramatic Irony, I mean, not— (frustrated noise) How is it possible to be so ignorant of both science and fiction and run a science fiction show?!
- Chuck's comment on the opening of the episode:
- Any and all comments regarding how much contempt Chuck has for the "space redneck" persona given Tucker throughout these reviews.