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- From "Caretaker":
- Chuck describing the Kazon's appearance as some kind of twisted Planet of the Oopma-Loompas/genetically engineered Cabbage Patch Kids.
- Following Janeway's "Captain. Ma'am will do in a crunch" line with "So anyway, Captain Crunch..." (sadly removed in the reupload)
- "She hits on Tom Paris, apparently mistaking him for her cousin."
- From "Parallax":
- Chuck mocking Torres pronouncing Chakotay's name like "Chocolate Day".
- Tom's face when Neelix says he can do wonderful things with vegetables and the accompanying caption: "Do not want."
- From "Time and Again":
- Chuck enjoying the sight of Janeway getting smacked in the face so much that he replays it twice.
- Neelix asks the Doctor if he is programmed to sing, to which the Doctor replies by rolling his eyes.Chuck (as the Doctor): Me, sing? That'll be the day!
- Neelix asks the Doctor if he is programmed to sing, to which the Doctor replies by rolling his eyes.
- From "The Cloud":
- In "Eye of the Needle"
- Chuck mentions an (almost certainly fake) rumor that Edward James Olmos was at one point considered for the Captain of Voyager (he was actually contacted over TNG, so Chuck probably confused the rumor with this). He does address how Commander Adama would have worked on Voyager: dumping the Kazon into space and beating Neelix with a flashlight every episode.
- Janeway: [sleeping] Oh, yes! Yes! Launch all Vipers, you dirty, dirty boy!
- From "Ex Post Facto":
- Chuck making various snides about how the supposed bird-like aliens don't resemble birds at all.
- From "Emanations":
- Chuck joking about the seldom used Starfleet Asshole Directive that applies only to Chakotay.
- Chuck calling the person conducting the aliens' death ritual Reverend Dorky Hat.
- "Damn it, Walter, no magic tricks during the sacred ceremony! It was bad enough when you were doing that ventriloquist act, nobody thought that was funny."
- From "Prime Factors":
- Chuck's Dr. Seuss spoof about the atmospheric interface looking like a bunch of tuning forks.
- From "State of Flux":
- The speech about Neelix's Kitchen Martial Law, from the Hunger Games reference to "Shouldn't Neelix be rolling tanks into a Wendy's right about now?"
- "Heroes and Demons"Toucan Sam They can take our lives, but they cannot take our Fruit Loops! Follow my nose!
- From "Cathexis":
- Chuck making the obvious joke when a Doc Brown is mentioned.
- From "Faces":
- Chuck musing that the phrase "annoying Talaxian" is a redundancy.
- From "Jetrel":
- "Now it becomes, a jar full of snot. Great advancement of science here, doc. I mean, this is unrivalled even by the great laboratories of Nickelodeon".
- "Learning Curve":
- Chuck's massive rant about manual overrides not working that way.
- During Janeway's Victorian holodeck program:Janeway: Ugh, why am I stuck reading this drivel? I just want that umbrella that lets me fly!
- "The 37's"
- Chuck saying that whenever someone says "ancient" in Trek, he takes a drink (not as a drinking game, but as a coping mechanism).
- Not to mention the opening:Torres: Potassium nitrate, amonium and methane back here.
Janeway: I think you'll find that's manure.
Chuck: Wait...this is the chief engineer? A woman who can't identify shit even with a tricorder? My God, you people are doomed!
- From "Initiations":
- Chuck's little skit concerning why Chakotay needs a shuttle far away from the Voyager when the planet alone would have sufficed.
- From "Projections":
- The caption for the clip of the EMH encountering his creator is, "Hi, handsome."
- From "Elogium":
- The warning at the beginning of the episode, especially how it ends.
- From "Non Sequitur":
- "The admiral has looked over the specifications and wonders how they intend to deal with the bullshit, bullshit, bullshit that will destabilize subspace when the horseshit, horseshit happens."
- Chuck failing three times to avoid a double entendre about Harry and Tom.
- From "Twisted":
- Chuck speculating that Janeway was talking about suing Ghandi.
- Chuck fails to avoid a double entendre again when he struggles, then settles for, "Tom has a clarinet," and then, finally, declares, "I give up. I award this scene the Congressional Medal of Gay."
- From "Persistence of Vision":
- "Video games are an interactive experience, structured to involve the player's experience in the art, even if that requires using your drill arm to put a hole in a crazy man who just dropped out of the ceiling."
- The episode is so bad that even the subtitles get in on the action:Chuck: Jeri Taylor says that Chakotay was created early in the development of Voyager to be their Uhura, a character to be a role model to American Indians.
Subtitles: LGBT were told to @#$# themselves.
- Making a transition from the text review, Chuck points out how offensive the episode is by describing a theoretical episode of Deep Space Nine where Sisko learns all about the extraterrestial origins of his people's Huge Black Penis."The aliens then returned later to discover that their gift had also encouraged further developments amongst the locals: Now they had rhythm and they excelled at basketball!"
- The episode has no Stupid Neelix Moment, on account of him getting badly hurt. Chuck even says that you know an episode's bad when he feels sorry for Neelix.
- The episode is so bad that even the subtitles get in on the action:
- From "Cold Fire":
- This mini-skit:Chuck#1: Look, I'm using my mind to move my hand!
Chuck#2: Uh, yeah, me, too. Let me use my mind to move my hand to the side of your face. (slaps first guy)
- This mini-skit:
- From "Maneuvers":
- "And the writers saith unto the firmament, 'Let there be a hokey plot convenience!' And lo, I saith there shall be a curse upon Voyager, and all the people who dwell within! And they shall surely feel it like a collection of jackasses."
- From "Resistance":
- These captions when Janeway gets shot. "Ow, my face!" "Ow, my neck!" "Ow, my whatever!"
- From "Prototype":
- Chuck demonstrating how Star Trek characters sound smart by mushing two unrelated science terms together and creating his definitions for them.
- From "Alliances":
- "Everybody got— Are those nachos on the buffet table?! Wow, I gotta kill you Maquis more often."
- After seeing a Kazon trying to solve a puzzle where you turn a dodecahedron into an icosahedron by two lines on a flat surface, he suggests the only possible solution is "knock space-time into a ditch and shoot it twice in the head".
- After having his will slowly crushed by the episode, Chuck has finally had enough when Mr. Exposition finally explains the so-called plot and goes on a massive rant.
- And after the long rant about evolution, he finishes his rant with..."What the hell kind of name is Brannon anyway? Sounds like a high-fiber yogurt."
- He latches onto the technobabble phrase 'multi-spectral subspace engine design'. The only way 'multi-spectral' can fit into that phrase is, in Chuck's own words, the ship is powered by rainbows, which he goes on to state gives him the mental image of shovel-fulls of Care Bears being thrown kicking and screaming into a blast furnace.
- "Do you have aphasia?" may be the greatest theory behind technobabble.
- Chuck's riffing of the opening scene with Tom in the shuttle."Try not to break the damn ship!"
- Chuck "complementing" Neelix during the review."Oh and look the genius is back! Its just so obvious he's a genius, too - the way he wears that dirty apron. It so complements his prominent sloping forehead."
- From " Meld":
- Chuck comparing Torres saying that Suder was a little overeager for violence to Stalin telling you you're too much of a control freak.
- From "Dreadnought":
- Chuck stating that if the Dreadnought were intended to survive, someone would make it do something other than sit there and pick its nose.
- From "Death Wish":
- After Janeway says that Q isn't a liar, a montage of Q lying and him being called a liar plays in the place of the usual theme music.
- From "Lifesigns":
- Chuck nicknaming Lon Suder Lon the Psychotic Hamster.
- "Then we come to the most disturbing part of this episode yes, Written by Kenneth Biller."
- From "Investigations":
- The review starts out with Jonas telling Neelix that he can't deal with him at the best of times, but he then yells at him that he burned off his face.
- The music video.
- When Chakotay casually mentions that he isn't the father of Samantha Wildman's baby, Chuck snarks "So you keep insisting."
- Every other line from Chuck making fun of Samantha's absurd pregnancy, including joking that she's in the 14th trimester.
- Chuck starts the review by saying he will be discussing Karl Marx's theories of alienation and how they relate to the Federation-Borg conflict... before giving up on the pretences and says he's rather be discussing the life cycle of a fruit fly than talk about "Innocence."
- Chuck calling the morra "the moron".
- "Imagine a great wind, pushing my foot up your ass. That's what'll happen if you don't sit down and shut up."
- From "The Thaw":
- "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Sometimes a log is just a log. Sometimes a clarinet is just a long shaft of wood you want to grab with both hands, wrap your lips around, and blow for all your worth."
- The Coda to the review, which uses the end of said episode as an intro to a music video about Chuck's Evil!Janeway interpretation... set to "Still Alive".
- He describes the crossbreed between Tuvok and Neelix's clothes as "demon clothing, tearing the souls from men and women who foolishly gazed upon it, before going on a rampage, eating denim and leather and silk and shitting polyester Hawaiian shirts."
- From "Resolutions":
- Janeway sarcastically thanking Chakotay for sharing his people's wisdom and sharing some of her own, "Even the howling wolf must know when to shut the fuck up."
- Chuck informs the audience of the outcome of the Janeway/Chakotay subplot. Chakotay ends up "with a girl ten years younger with breasts the size of cantaloupes." He assures the viewer that there is a happy ending; there's plenty of fanfic where Janeway hooks up with that girl, too.
- Any comments about Culluh or the Kazon in general being stupid, especially when Chuck mentions that Culluh is getting frustrated because he has not heard back from that bank manager in Nigeria.
- From "Flashback":Neelix: Y'know, if I injected sirilium into my thermal array, it might improve cooking time.
Chuck: And with that, Benjamin Sisko warps himself across the galaxy and begins pistol whipping Neelix for actually calling himself a chef when he thinks more energy equals faster cooking time.
- "The Chute":
- Making a crack about Harry having to suck 37 dicks, before Tom yells "Forty-seven!" and Chuck mentions that it's a good friend's job to help you push your limits.
- Applying Trade Snark to the title.
- When Harry says he's so hungry he could eat Neelix's cooking, Chuck tells him that there are less painful ways to end it all.
- On a better note, the dish in question is Leola Root stew something made exclusively of the one horrible ingredient no one likes but Neelix seems to insist that he add to everything.
- Janeway's position on Harry's imprisonment: it's only acceptable to torture Harry with her permission.
- Anything involving the Harry/Tom Ho Yay, culminating in the line "This is like if Midnight Express was a romantic comedy."
- From "The Swarm":
- Chuck stating he's well versed in the classics, then the scene cuts to Bugs Bunny singing.
- From "False Profits":
- When the guy with an eye patch starts talking about the Ferengi, Chuck lets us all know that he's very popular and we can pick up his album. Cue one of William Shatner's songs, to put it loosely, playing over the clip of Eye Patch Guy speaking.
- When one Ferengi says "Greed is eternal", Chuck delivers this.Chuck: I see Channel Awesome has a new slogan.
- The whole sequence in "Sacred Ground" where God is trying to explain complex science like DNA to Moses, who just doesn't get it.
- "Future's End":
- Janeway's rationale for not allowing Braxton to destroy her ship. If she has to die, she wants to be on the winning side, and thanks to Braxton, she knows she is.Janeway: Heh, suck it, future!
- Chuck compares Harry dealing with a particularly dumb statement from Torres to the sad spectacle of a Tijuana donkey show starring Eeyore. Made worse/better by his follow-up, saying in a perfect Eeyore voice, "Thanks for working the shaft."
- Janeway never said the universe revolves around the Earth. She said the universe revolves around her.
- Janeway's rationale for not allowing Braxton to destroy her ship. If she has to die, she wants to be on the winning side, and thanks to Braxton, she knows she is.
- From "Warlord":
- Janeway listing the alternatives to war: late night assassinations, a swift decapitation of leadership, poisoning, torture, mind control, etc, etc.
- From "The Q and the Grey":
- Chuck saying that he laughed so much at this episode's attempt at a dick joke that the gun barrel kept falling out of his mouth.
- From "Macrocosm":
- Chuck stating that the only reason why the Tak Tak exist having a ridge that almost completely covers their mouth, thus, making eating almost impossible, is to prove that God likes fucking with atheists.
- From "Fair Trade":
- In the review's description, it says "Plus, another Talaxian who is even worse than he (Neelix) is, how lucky for us!"
- From "Alter Ego":
- All of the Harry Kim jokes. All. Of. Them.
- From "Coda":
- The opening of the review:Chuck: So the episode begins and Neelix ambushes Janeway heading up the hall. As the conversation comes up without context provided for the episode, I shall turn to our random-context generator table, and they are discussing... *dice rolling sounds* Ship-wide Orgy Night!
Neelix: I thought last night went well, didn't you?
Janeway: Extremely well, everyone had a lot of fun.
Neelix: I was thinking of making it a regular feature, say uh, once a month?
Janeway: It's certainly worth a try.
Neelix: And captain, you were especially good last night.
Janeway: Thanks Neelix, it's been a while.
Neelix: You'd never know.
Chuck: They're actually talking about Talent Night, which Janeway had won... of course, by performing the "Dying Swan"...I'm presuming it's the dance, and not that she took a swan out and killed it, but I can't really rule that out entirely.
- When Chuck needs to really concentrate on something, he doesn't speak, and when he does, he usually recites a bit from his favorite operetta. "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! I am so fucked!"
- The opening of the review:
- From "Blood Fever":
- One caption reads as follows: "So, no soup, just the salad."
- When Torres yells at Neelix and Tom.Torres: You're useless! You're all useless!
Tom: Oh, yeah? Well, bite me! (gets bitten) Gah!! Jesus! Not in the face! Not in the face!
- Vorik is attempting to meditate. The song that plays? Baby Got Back.
- When Tuvok tells Tom to mate with Torres.Chuck: This leads to a scene that comes straight from juvenile fantasies. With them being cut off, Tuvok tells Tom he has no choice, he must mate with Torres to save her life. (exasperated) That's really something you should put on your recruiting posters.
Chuck (as Picard): Son, as a Starfleet Officer, I'm afraid you have no choice but to take that beautiful alien aside and bone her twelve ways from Sunday. It's part of your duty when you put on that uniform, that you have to take it off again to satisfy the endless lust of four-breasted aliens. Make the Federation proud. Make ME proud.
Chuck (as Paris): Aye aye, sir! I won't let you down.
Chuck (as Picard): Lieutenant? Make it so.
- And then when Tuvok suggests they let Vorik and Torres follow the trial by ritual (which is essentially Torres trying to defend herself from being raped):Tuvok: They are following their instincts, and I suggest we allow them to.
Chuck: I'd have loved it if Chakotay had kneed him right there in the balls at that moment, following his own instincts.
- From "Unity":
- This conversation:Chakotay: But that ship was destroyed.
Riley: You think in such three dimensional—
Chakotay: Uh-uh, don't try that crap with me, lady. I'm not some bald French guy who'll start crying when he falls in the mud.
Picard: It's called "acting", damn it! Try it sometime! You might like it.
- This conversation:
- From "Darkling":
- Chuck notes how Kes broke up with Neelix after being inhabited by that alien warlord, but assures the viewers that the warlord also did some bad things.
- The repeated gag where he refers to the idea of a moon being an egg as "a Fucking Stupid idea".
- From "Rise":
- Chuck sniding that for a survival expert, Neelix poisons everyone with his cooking.
- "Before and After":
- His horrified reaction to The Doctor's hairpiece."I... I can feel it watching me."
- Mocking Kes' increasing insanity as she leaps further back in time.Newborn!Kes: Chronotons! Chronotons! Listen to me!
- His horrified reaction to The Doctor's hairpiece.
- From "Real Life":
- Janeway's first response to the space tornado is, well...Janeway: Ready weapons! We're going to disperse it.
Tuvok: Phasers online.
Chuck: What?! How would you "disperse it" by shooting it? At least a photon torpedo makes an explosion, even if it is likely insignificant right next to this thing, but a phaser? Any way, you don't know what the hell it is! You keep calling it an "anomaly", why would you think shooting it would— (sighs) You know, its been a while since I've had to dust off the "Janeway's solution to thing is to shoot it with a phaser" gag. I not even sure if its under warranty any more...
- Janeway then decides that a more complicated plan is needed:Janeway: Okay... Stop me if I'm wrong, but I think I can work it like this: A) We set the ship's phaser on stun. B) When it appears again, we shoot the Space Tornado, knocking it unconscious. C) Tuvok, you will then mind-meld with it and teach it how to play the flute. D) While that is going on, we seek out pure duratelium — that will be important later on. E) We'll need the blood of a virgin — Harry, that's where you come in. F) We then construct a mythical Flute of the Risen Elders—
Chakotay: (confused) Captain, perhaps—
Janeway: DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M ON A ROLL! G) With the Space Tornado playing the giant flute, we... Oh, crap! Now I forgot where this plan was! Nice going, Commander Buzzkill!
- Janeway then decides that a more complicated plan is needed:
- Janeway's first response to the space tornado is, well...
- From "Distant Origin":
- Chuck imagining Chakotay practicing his religion in front of the Voth professor.
- "Worst Case Scenario" has quite a few:
- Chuck mentions a subtle but deliberate clue for the audience. Torres is wearing rank commission not field commission pips. He mentions that you could only see it if you are observant... or have a bizarre neck fetish.
- Additionally, the captions states Picture taken by the National Cryptozoologist Foundation.
- Chuck mentioning being half-robot on his fathers side, hence his poor Italian accent.
- The complete lack of Starfleet/Maquis intention on the show means the only way for the show to address it now is for members of the crew to write their own fanfics.
- When Paris mentions the holodeck story should have unexpected twists, Chuck suggests:Chuck: How about instead of taking back the ship Paris & Janeway mutate and have amphibian sex?
- Chuck mentions a subtle but deliberate clue for the audience. Torres is wearing rank commission not field commission pips. He mentions that you could only see it if you are observant... or have a bizarre neck fetish.
- From "Scorpion":
- In something that's both this and incredibly sad at the same time, the first part of the review ends with a montage of many of Harry's experiences being The Chew Toy on Voyager set to "Only Time" by Enya.
- When discussing how people forget cool villains, Chuck shifts to The Phantom Menace:Darth Maul: Tatooine is sparsely populated...but even they have over 50 convenient Red Roof Inn locations. At last we will have revenge...and a good night sleep.
- After hearing the ludicrous figures involved in the Borg's fallback plan, Chuck gives us a sample of what he feared would happen when Brannon Braga went to write for 24.
- Describing the effect of the Doctor's treatment on Harry.Chuck: Fortunately for Harry he's one of the fifty most beautiful people in the world, so the treatment works.
- The Brick Joke about B'lanna's "Skeletal Lock". Poor Tuvok.
- From "The Gift":
- Chuck stating that the episode is better than getting killed by an angry turd.
- From "Nemesis":
- All of the jokes involving the Human Aliens' weird dialogue.Chuck: "Nemesis" was a real breakthrough. It was the first script written with the help of a spambot. I know I'm belaboring the point, but again; they have the most non-human dialogue and yet they're the most human looking. They don't even have any playdough on their face here! This is supposed to be an alien planet here? Because they talk funny? For all I know this is the Hills of Appalachia!
Namon: (to Chakotay) You'd be sharp to do my tellings.
Chuck: You would... You can get a share of that crapload of money he has in a bank in Nigeria.
Brone: Do you glimpse the fullness of it now, stranger?
Chuck: Do you realize that "glimpsing the fullness" means only to have the tiniest grasp of the big picture? Don't write your script with a thesaurus and a find-and-replace function.
Borne: We're wearied of it, aren't we?
All: Yes sir!
Borne: We're wrestled to the rages for it, aren't we?
All: Yes, sir!
Jules Winnfield: ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!
- Chuck lampshading the weird Incest Subtext in the way Vori speaks of their "mothers and sisters" as well as the girl Karya speaking in revered tones about her brother (and how it really just helps proving his theory that the planet is actually the Hills of Appalachia).Chakotay: (to Karya) Close your glimpsers, and dream of your gloried brother.
Chuck: There comes a point where you have to ask: Did no one notice the incestuous overtones of your episode? This thing would make Cersei Lannister uncomfortable to watch.
- Chuck musing that Chakotay left all of his fucks to give back on the shuttle when he just says "That's rough" when someone says his entire family had been killed.
- Chuck making it no secret how easy it is to see the plot twist of the episode coming from miles away. Especially when The Reveal happens:Chuck: (bored monotone) Wow. I never saw that coming. (normal tone of voice) It seems they just can't do an episode around Chakotay that isn't either steeped in American-Indian stereotypes or gives away the plot ahead of time.
- All of the jokes involving the Human Aliens' weird dialogue.
- From "Revulsion":
- Chuck pointing out that Paris picked on Tuvok, a guy who can knock you into unconsciousness and write "I eat dicks" on your face just by grabbing your shoulder while reaching for his pen.
- From "The Raven":
- Chuck calling one shuttlecraft the USS Minivan.
- From "Scientific Method":
- The caption of Chakotay's hair falling out reads "Let me tell you the story of how I pitied a fool."
- Shoulder Spider is now wearing the cowboy hat and encouraging Janeway to eat Tuvok. Once more Janeway falls for the flimsy disguise and agrees to go with it.
- " Year of Hell":
- Janeway's response to the Krenim ship that poses no threat to her.Janeway: How would we be violating your space if it's in dispute?
Krenim: You dare—
Janeway: Nope, sorry, bored now. Tuvok! *clapclap* Release my hounds!
Krenim: Hounds? How cliche.
Janeway: Tuvok! *clapclap* Release my rape gorilla!
Krenim: ...We'll show ourselves out.
- "Time has no meaning here, so they can continue on forever, never aging because that has to do with time. While continuing to breathe, move, etc... y'know, because none of that has to do with time because FLASHBOMB!"
- Years of commenting how hyper-competent Tom Paris is come to a head when Chuck ponders if he was in some prison for savants. Which leads to a skit of some thugs in the yard threatening to shiv each other over critiques to one's Grand Unified Theory.
- Janeway's response to Riker's assertion that combat is a "minor province in the making of a starship captain."Janeway: You know what else is a minor province? Your wiener...
- His parody of Picard interrogating several children as seeing how both Nanites and children are small, they must obviously be in cahoots. It ends with him getting into a shouting match with a little girl and ordering Worf to make a Teddy Bear talk.Worf: [tugs his uniform] Delighted, sir!
- She [Janeway] has stared into the abyss as the abyss has stared into her, and the abyss said, "JESUS!"
- The captain of the Krenim ship is remorseful of his actions, while on Voyager we have...
- Part Three opens with a somber talk about stress, and how sometimes life throws more pain and misfortune on you than you can handle, so the only thing to do is try to lock it all away somewhere in your mind until you have time to deal with it all, only for disaster to strike when something suddenly breaks that lock and lets all that ugliness come spilling forth at once. Which leads directly into Janeway playing Good Angel, Bad Angel.Chuck: A decision has to be made, and this is going to require some very careful thought...
Janeway: What to do, what to do?
Shoulder Devil: Well, I think you should—
Janeway: I have no room for that religious crap. Get that out of here!
Shoulder Atom: Good. Now, we can discuss this rationally.
Janeway: Eh, I'm willing to try anything once. Lay some on me. What would you do?
Shoulder Atom: Oh. Well, not me per se, I mean, I'm just an atom. But, I can form a molecule with others—
Janeway: Bor-ing! How do you deal with your enemies?
Shoulder Atom: Well... I don't have anything like that. The only thing I could really do is split and hope the energy release would destroy them all.
Janeway: Eh, not too crazy about killing myself to kill my enemies, but... I'll keep my options open. What do you think?
Shoulder Cowboy: What am I even doing here and how the hell do I get out?!
Janeway: Haha, I like the cut of your jib! All right, what do you think?
Shoulder Spider: YOU SHOULD EAT HARRYYYYY!
Janeway: For the last time, I am not eating Harry! Not while he's still of use to me. All right, I'm going with the Shoulder Cowboy, we're leaving.
- By the end of the episode, Shoulder Devil is wearing Shoulder Cowboy's hat, which is enough of a disguise to fool Janeway.Janeway: What now, Shoulder Cowboy?
Shoulder Devil: I think you should crash into them and destroy them all!
Janeway: I can't believe you thought I was actually gonna fall for your trick.
Shoulder Devil: What trick?
Janeway: Come on, it's obvious.
Shoulder Devil: (ashamed) Y-yes, I know, but—
Janeway: That was Shoulder Atom's idea! You totally ripped him off, Shoulder Cowboy. I expected better from you... But since you both agree, I guess that plan is really the only sane thing I can do.
Shoulder Spider: OR YOU COULD EAT THEM AAAAAAALLLLL!
Janeway: I'm not eating anyone! Okay, course set in... everyone temporarily lowered their temporal shielding, that will reset time for us... Now I just need a clever action hero line.
Shoulder Devil: "Time's up"?
Janeway: Yeah, that's crap if I never heard it.
Shoulder Spider: "I SHALL CONSUME ALL OF CREATION"?
Janeway: You shut up! Alright, I say... Um... Crap... (cut to the actual episode) Time's up!
- By the end of the episode, Shoulder Devil is wearing Shoulder Cowboy's hat, which is enough of a disguise to fool Janeway.
- Chuck describes the aftermath of Janeway running into a fiery room to work a console.Chuck: The Doctor treats her, but she'll be scarred for life by the experience, which describes most of my brushes with Voyager. Many people think my show is a desperate cry for attention — no. It's a desperate cry for help.
- Janeway's kamikaze move at the end of the episode somehow undoes all the damage to the timeline, gets the Big Bad his wife back, and leads to Voyager never provoking the enemies who were kicking their ass during the whole debacle, so "Happy ending all around. 'cept those who were infuriated by the Reset Button, of course. 'Congratulations, everybody, that's two more episodes that you watched that never mattered!'"
- Janeway's response to the Krenim ship that poses no threat to her.
- From "Concerning Flight":Leonardo Da Vinci: They're all in love with that upstart Galileo. Everywhere, it's Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, magnifico!
- From "Mortal Coil"
- The episode description, where Chuck makes his thoughts immediately clear:Opinionated Voyager Episode Guide finally turns to the episode where Neelix dies. Inexplicably, this episode is treated as a tragedy.
- Chuck's disdain for the idea that Neelix, a former junk trader and overall incompetent cook, is asked to handle proto-matter, a task that in The Wrath of Khan and The Search for Spock was so dangerous and experimental that it had to be handled by a special team of geniuses:Chuck: [...]Neelix is the one giving the orders on collecting the proto-matter. Something, which I remind you, was mentioned being used in the Genesis Device. Something that is used that is used by them, if it would had been known, would have gotten them denounced by reputable scientists. Yes, that was a century eailier, you might be saying; it was also being handled by a commune of geniuses. And our resident expert is someone who has been their cook for three years and is yet to be seen wearing a hair net. Someone for whom it is now canonically and indisputably true, knew more about the most dangerous substance in all of existence than he did about bathing. This is quite possibly the least plausible suggestion in Voyager history, and I'm including the idea that they don't run out of photon torpedoes, because they glue all the pieces back together after they fire them.
- Neelix tries to cope with his death and resurrection:Neelix: I apologize for the other day on the Holodeck. I guess this whole "back from the death" thing is hard to get used to. I'm fine now.
Chakotay: If you ever want to talk...
Chuck (as Chakotay): ...Contact B'Elanna, and tell her I said she has this coming.
- Janeway tries to instruct Seven in how to mingle at a party:Janeway: The rules are simple: Choose a group of people. Listen to their conversation. Then, when you feel you have something to contribute, chime in.
Chuck (as Janeway): Then, realize that you said the wrong thing. Slink away. Spend the rest of the evening reminding yourself that coming was a mistake, that you're worthless and will die alone and unmourned. Couldn't be simpler.
- The episode description, where Chuck makes his thoughts immediately clear:
- In "Waking Moments":
- Seven distracts guards holding the crew hostage by faking a fight with Harry Kim. Seven — who possesses several times the strength of a human — has never faked a fight before, so in the actual episode she more-or-less really kicks Kim's ass. In his review of the episode, Chuck adds the sound effects of Seven continuing to savagely beat Kim long after the camera cuts away.
- He mentions about how, when trying to wake Harry Kim, the Doctor used everything from cortical stimulation to a kiss from a handsome prince. The fact that then-Prince Abdullah of Jordan actually played a random NPC lieutenant makes this statement hilarious.
- From "Message in a Bottle":
- Janeway promising the doctor that Santa Claus will be in the Alpha Quadrant with presents, he just needs to get transported via alien relay.
- Chuck calling Torres out on her hypocrisy in her venomous rant against Seven of Nine:
- From "The Killing Game (Part 1)":
- Now, it's Tuvok's turn to be called Lieutenant Commander No-Shit for pointing out the obvious!
- The Nazi captain who knocked Torres up is given the nickname Fritz von Nazischtein.
- "He's nice enough to let her scope out the room, pretending that she's admiring his huge...art collection."
- Chuck describes the situation the Germans were facing: the Soviets were approaching from the East, the Allies were coming from the West, Rome was taken, Hitler was angrily throwing pencils at maps...
- "Resistance Leader" Janeway vetoing all of Torres' ideas, including burning down the movie theater.
- A Borg "love song" sung by Noir!Seven is in binary with a hexadecimal verse."This a love song that goes back in the history of my people" (daintily clears throat) ......"1100100111001001...♫"
- "The Killing Game (Part 2)":
- Chuck gives an intense pop-culture filled summary of World War II, referencing Raiders of the Lost Ark, X-Men Film Series, Doctor Strangelove (twice), Catch-22 (and saying that its character Snowden was found "hiding in Moscow") and some boat that does something.
- Yet another moment of Crazy Awesome for Janeway:"Welcome to Katrine's, here's your pipe, sir. Let me show you the house wine, it's a Gewehr 98/40, very fine vintage!"
- Followed by her Bond One-Liner:"And for the record, you'd be staring at her legs."
- "The Omega Directive": Time Travel is treated with delicacy by Starfleet, so much so that its only legalized use barring saving whales was to wipe Janeway's memory and then sentence her to hard labor in a minimum security women's prison in 2014 A.D.
- In "Living Witness":
- Chuck having Janeway quote House Bolton when talking with an alien ambassador at the start of the episodeJaneway: In Starfleet we say a naked man has few secrets, a flayed man none.
- Crazy!Janeway in general for that episode.Janeway: You say pota-toe, I say weaponised potato bombs!
Janeway: I didn't do any of that! Except the stuff that sounds cool. That I did the hell out of!
- Chuck having Janeway quote House Bolton when talking with an alien ambassador at the start of the episode
- From "Demon":
- The review starts off with Janeway talking about an experiment involving the replication of Harry's balls in her captain's log. Unfortunately, it took all the ship's power and they'll only last a week.
- "So all the crew are in stasis, and all that's left is our plucky hero and her hologrammatic sidekick." Cue the Red Dwarf theme.
- When Seven starts Hearing Voices Chuck remarks on how some of them are wonderful.Neelix: I'm dying, Seven. Don't let me die!
- Becomes a Brick Joke in the Post-episode Follow-up where Chuck marks it as his Stupid Neelix Moment that Neelix wasn't actually dying and it made him annoyed that they were only teasing him with the possibility.
- From "Hope and Fear":
- Chuck joking that the Dauntless being named "NX-0A" is an homage to the first captain of an NX-01 ship, Captain Asshole.
- When Janeway tells Seven to give a little something back to the crew, it culminates in a conversation about Seven listing what she did for the crew:Seven: What?! I taught you transwarp physics!
Janeway: Doesn't count. We couldn't figure out how to make it work.
Seven: I discovered we were being experimented on by aliens, I uncovered evidence that eventually showed Tom Paris was replaced by an alien, and I was instrumental in freeing us from the World War II holodeck simulation!
Janeway: (sing-song) Yawn!
Seven: (audibly frustrated) I was indispensable in the reconstruction of astrometrics, which not only got you closer to home, but lead to the array that allowed you to get this message in the first place!
Janeway: But you didn't do it entirely by yourself, so it doesn't count.
Seven: (on the verge of breaking down) I got Voyager through the nebula single-handedly, thereby saving every last member of the crew!
Janeway: Yeah, that was last week. What about now, huh? Time for you to give something back, freeloader!
- From "Drone":
- At the prospect of a Borg drone being created, Janeway is all like "Hell yes, this is some seriously great science! I wanna see who wins if he fights a giant spider!"
- When trying to come up with names for the drone Harry comments that when his aunt and uncle had a "happy little accident" they called her Serendipity. Janeway assumes then that 'Harry' means 'Unhappy accident'. She later uses the phrase, claiming it to be an ancient chinese saying.
- Janeway changed Harry's name in his record to Hairy... as in 'A Hairy Situation' or 'A Bad Situation'.
- "In the Flesh":
- Chuck as Boothby advises Chakotay to point the tricoder at the bamboo instead of at himself when the tricoder detects maple trees.
- The episode features a character with the last name Archer, who proves to be surprisingly believable as a descendant of Jonathan.
- From "Once Upon a Time":
- Chuck musing that Wallace Langham having to appear preening in a skintight sequence covered costume while emerging from sparkling water fountain in the midst of a rainbow covered land was not part of his sentence for beating up a gay reporter while yelling anti-gay slurs at him.
- From "Timeless":
- The crew discovers an amazing new technology will bring them home for surely sure this time. Janeway decides to give a celebratory speech:"People of Mordac V, as you lay prostrate before me, your cities burning, your streets covered in blood and ash... Uh... Crap, these are the wrong note cards! Eh, I'll just have to wing it... Crew of Voyager, as you lay prostrate before me..."
- Then, as Chakotay and Janeway said amazing new technology:Chakotay: They'll probably nominate us for the Cochrane Medal of Honor.
Janeway: I'll start working on my acceptance speech.
Chuck (as Janeway): "Members of the Daystrom Institute, as you lay prostrate..."
- Then, as Chakotay and Janeway said amazing new technology:
- Seven's drunken rambling.Seven: Borg, dammit! Prepare to be stimulated! Feudalism is resilience...
- "Well, we're through the looking-glass now, people, because at the party Tom is the one who is working instead of celebrating, and Harry is the one who's relaxed... Uh, well, you know, pantomiming the appearance of relaxation, even as his soul is enterally facing an abyss that mocks his dreams and laughs at his tears and forever promises that his every attempt to find joy will turn to dust in his hands, ash in his mouth, and a rather nasty itch in his most intimate places."
- Chuck then explains that Tom is working because he has some bad news:Tom: I think we built an Edsel...
Harry: A what?
Chuck (as Harry): What does she look like? Do you think she'll like me? Wait, forget that! Do you think she could pretend to like me?
- Chuck then explains that Tom is working because he has some bad news:
- The conversation between George Lucas and Steve Jobs in 1998, where Lucas criticizes Jobs for now working with Disney. "It'll be a cold day in Hell before I start working with Disney!"
- The crew discovers an amazing new technology will bring them home for surely sure this time. Janeway decides to give a celebratory speech:
- From "Nothing Human":
- Chuck shows us what a Vulcan pussy looks like, a male Vulcan near Jonathan Archer.
- "Thirty Days":
- The episode begins with Janeway punishing Tom to by sentencing him into total solitary confinement. Add to this that a month of solitary confinement is very much universally seen as cruel and unusual punishment on its own (which Chuck explains via Tom), and it was the canon Janeway who ordered it, so Chuck felt he had to up the ante somehow for crazy Janeway.Tom: Wait, "solitary confinement"?
Tom: A punishment so in opposition to basic human dignity, that even an 19th century Supreme Court said it was wrong?
Janeway: (genuinely confused) Did they?
Tom: That many international treaties consider so psychologically damaging that it fits the legal definition of torture?
Janeway: (chuckles) You are a history buff, aren't you?
Tom: Yet, in our utopian future of "reform the downtrodden", "save the rainforest", "put a therapist next to the captain", and "no animals were harmed in the making of this steak", you'll employ a punishment officially criticised only 25 years after slavery was still legal and people were still dumping human shit out of their windows.
Janeway: You have to be extra strict to enforce discipline on a starship.
Tom: Strict?! You didn't even sentence Suder to solitary confinement!
Janeway: Well, of course. All he did was murder a man for no reason, but you! You defied me! You're lucky I don't have you flayed.
- Tom exaggerates the numbers of push-up he has taken when he notices that Neelix is about to enter the room:Chuck: Trying to impress Neelix? He'd be awed if you did the attachable thumb trick.
- The episode begins with Janeway punishing Tom to by sentencing him into total solitary confinement. Add to this that a month of solitary confinement is very much universally seen as cruel and unusual punishment on its own (which Chuck explains via Tom), and it was the canon Janeway who ordered it, so Chuck felt he had to up the ante somehow for crazy Janeway.
- From "Counterpoint":Kashyk: I replicated some coffee. Black, right?
Janeway: Is the Pope Andorian?
- Also:Telepath Leader: There is a scientist named Turok.
Janeway: Ooh, I know him!
Telepath Leader: No, you're thinking of the dinosaur hunter again.
Janeway: Aw, dammit...
- From "Latent Image":
- Chuck opens the episode explaining his Running Gag for the episode; "My Way or Janeway" where he will be comparing the canon Janeway's actions against how Parody Janeway would act in the same situation. He stops halfway through the review because Parody Janeway's plan to deal with the issue of the episode was LESS extreme than the Real Janeway's.
- The Doctor notes to Janeway that there has been "some wear and tear on Seven of Nine's cranial infrastructure."The Doctor: Perhaps if you stopped hitting her on the head with that pool cue, it would help?
Janeway: When I want your opinion, I'll program it into you!
- Janeway gives a brief eulogy at Ensign Jetal's funeral:Janeway: ...And remember, you are not really dead as long as we remember you. (to Tuvok) Now, purge all records of her existence!
- When Tuvok asks Janeway if any progress was made.Janeway: Yeah, this salesman turned into a giant cockroach.
Tuvok: I was referring to the Doctor.
Janeway: No, turning him into a cockroach wouldn't solve anything. It'd probably just make him mad.
- From "Bride of Chaotica!":
- Thanks to this episode, Chuck can't imagine a "reroute the power" scene the same way again. Now, he's gonna picture a helpless ensign sitting on a toilet as the lights flicker on and off, followed by an ominous gurgle.
- From "Bliss":
- Janeway says they should never bet against the house after they find a wormhole that will lead them right to Earth:Seven: What? Then you should assume it's fake.
Janeway: The universe is a slot machine and I'm counting cards tonight!
Seven: You're not making any sense!
Janeway: Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Captain Gives-a-shit!
- Janeway says they should never bet against the house after they find a wormhole that will lead them right to Earth:
- "Dark Frontier":
- After Voyager blows up a Borg ship:Janeway: Debris status?
Chuck: I'm fine, thanks for asking.
- And after reviewing the wreckage of the ship:Chakotay: Maybe I should go to Red Alert and get it over with.
Chakotay: You're about to drop one of your bombshells.
Janeway: Oh I see. Before you say anything: First of all, it's a mutant, not a monster. Second, nothing can break those chains! And third, since I only created one, if you kill it that's technically genocide! And technically suicide.
Janeway: No you're the crazy one!
- Which is later followed up by:Janeway: I already taught the mutant how to love!
Chakotay: That wasn't love! He raped that shuttle craft!
Janeway: Well if the Galileo didn't look like such a whore Kesskotay wouldn't have tried that!
- Another very cruel one, with Janeway's Not Now, Kiddo to Seven's requests to take her father with them, leaving him to be killed when the Borg cube blows up right after they were finally reunited.
- "Look Chakotay! I've wanted this all my life; it's a coffee maker that's also a bong!"
- This exchange:Janeway: Coffee? You look like you could use some.
Seven of Nine: No.
Janeway: It's a Human vice you might want to try some day, keeps you sharp.
Chuck as Janeway: Want some smack? How 'bout a whore? Feel like gambling? I played craps against Harry yesterday; he won so I let him keep his hands!
- This exchange:
- Chuck mentions that it has one of the few times substituting his homicidally insane Janeway would probably make more sense story-wise than what canon-Janeway does, leading to how his Janeway would beat The Borg.Borg-Queen: How can you hope to defeat The Borg in their own lair?
Janeway: With my army of warrior cobalt tarantulas! I've been training the entire hive to become deadly warriors!
Borg-Queen: ...Tarantulas don't have hives.
Janeway: And normally they don't have wings either, but my job is to fix it whenever nature makes an extraordinarily aggressive and terrifying tarantula, and doesn't make it capable of flying up and latching onto your face! Or have an insatiable hunger for ocular jelly.
Borg Queen: Will you stop talking if we just give Seven back?
- After Voyager blows up a Borg ship:
- "The Disease":
- Among other things, the dread-laden introduction:
- "I can only share some wise advice my grandfather once gave me: "Boy, never put your dick in something that lights up!"
- According to Chuck, the only symptom of an STD that would be more embarrassing and obvious than glowing skin is a group of minstrels singing "He has gonorrhea!"
- The reaction to Janeway's remark about the handbook on personal relationship being three centimetres thick."What's the point of a guide for spur-of-the-moment things that is the size of a phone book? How many ways are there to say "Don't have sex with aliens unless it's safe" are there? Is it full of testimonials? "This is Paul. Paul wasn't careful, you see, and now his dick looks like a slimjim."
- Why did Janeway deliver an unprecedented career-damaging reprimand to Harry? "When you're evil, you have to stay in practice!"
- "Megatron has actually installed an alarm in himself so that if he has pure and happy thoughts, he can be reminded of the need to be evil and cruel."Megatron: *Staring happily at an energon cube* *alarm beeps* *throws energon cube at Starscream* You disgust me!
- "Megatron has actually installed an alarm in himself so that if he has pure and happy thoughts, he can be reminded of the need to be evil and cruel."
- "Meanwhile, the hull-breach problem from the Varro ship has spread to Voyager, and there's duranium-eating microbes that... what's that one in the middle doing? Is he humpin' the armour? Good God, even the viruses are screwing things this episode!"
- From "Course: Oblivion":
- The wedding vows:"Susan, I want you to know that I feel nothing for you, other than the appreciation that by doing this, issues about my green card will more or less be resolved, and I look forward to the day when we can cast aside this sham!"
"John, I couldn't give less of a shit about you today than the day I met you. All I can say is, your check cleared, your condo is nice, and I want you to know that I banged the photographer in the vestibule."
- Tom trying to tell Harry that going back to Earth is pointless.Tom: For all you know, the real Harry Kim is having Sunday dinner with [Harry's parents] right now!
Chuck (as Harry): But it's Tuesday.
Chuck (as Tom): Shut up, Harry!
- Later, the duplicate Voyager decides to launch their time capsule, but it misfires and destroys the probe, "and that's all she wrote for...all they wrote."
- The wedding vows:
- From "The Fight":
- As Chakotay prepares to go on a Vision Quest:Chuck: So Chakotay breaks out the ol' Akoonah; the device created so that, unlike his ancestors, Chakotay can go on a Vision Quest without needing a sweat lodge. Or as his ancestors in the equatorial jungle would have called a sweat lodge: "The outside on any fucking day!"
- As Chakotay prepares to go on a Vision Quest:
- From "Think Tank":
- "In mine (Janeway's scenario), I win, wearing one of those glowing sun god thingies on my head while I play an electric guitar, and, and sit on a unicorn named Professor AwesomeHooves!"
- From "Juggernaut":
- Chuck imagining that Janeway was the one that Tuvok was lecturing to instead of Torres.Tuvok: The flame, like emotion, is a primitive force. It's chaotic. Destructive. But if controlled, it can be a powerful tool.
Chuck (as Janeway): Hmmm... And I use fire to destroy my enemies... I like where you're going with this analogy, Tuvok!
- Neelix offers to help with the mission:Chuck: Excuse me, since when does the rescue mission require a charter? Or do you have delusions that you'll be helping here? Because you helping, Neelix, is always a delusion. With your change of outfit suggesting that is especially bad today. "Just for the job you want", they say? Appearently you aspire to be a 1970's couch cushion.
Nelix: I spent twenty years aboard Talaxian garbage scow.
Chuck (as Torres): Yeah, we know. It's down in the hangar bay.
Nelix: I also know a few thing about waste-management.
Chuck (as Torres): Yeah, we know. We've also smelled your cooking.
- Neelix then cooks up what he claims is a "Talaxian theta radiation remedy."Chuck: Neelix, just because it feels like your stomach's full of lead, doesn't mean you're immune to radiation.
Neelix: Our scow once ran smack into a theta radiation field. Knocked the propulsion out. We had no choice but to sit there. We were barely alive when they found us. If it hadn't been for this, nobody would have survived.
Chuck: Oh. Then I hate it even more than I already did.
- Neelix then cooks up what he claims is a "Talaxian theta radiation remedy."
- Chuck wonders why Janeway doesn't put Harry on the job:Chuck: Maybe she just knows he's gonna have to report in every five minutes, and she is just sick of his voice today.
Chuck (as Harry): Captain, think of everyone who have died in this senseless tragedy!
Chuck (as Janeway): Yeah. Maybe you should, uh, observe a moment of silence? And after that, why quit when you've got a good thing going?
- Chuck imagining that Janeway was the one that Tuvok was lecturing to instead of Torres.
- From "Someone to Watch Over Me":
- Chuck wonders how a potential Harry Kim-focused episode would have played out. He reasons that with how Harry is usually treated by the show, the main plot would probably have centered around Harry just sitting at his station and having hiccups and the rest of the crew trying to help him cure it.Chakotay: My people have a legend of how that can be cured by being scared.
Janeway: Ooh, ooh! I can do that one!
Harry: No, no thank you, Captain. It's fine.
Tom: Well, Harry, have you tried— ARGH!
Harry: ...N-no it didn't work.
Torres: Well, I find the scariest things— RARGH!!!
Harry: AH! ...Good try, but it's not any better.
Seven: (matter-of-factly) You will die alone, unloved, and unmourned.
(Harry and everyone else stares at Seven in Stunned Silence)
Janeway: Hey, look! He's cured! I've gotta remember that one...
- Chuck mentions that the episode sees Neelix being tasked with "handling" an important ambassador.Chuck: I mean, you know, managing him. I-I hope. I hope he is not planning to feel up the ambassador, though with Neelix, nothing is off the table.
- Seven have a newfound interest in romance, and are keep notes on how Torres and Tom are interacting romantically with each other.Torres: "Stardate 52648, o-three-hundred hours. Intimate relations resume." How the hell do you know when we're having "intimate relations"?
Seven: There is no one on Deck Nine, Section Twelve who doesn't know when you're having intimate relations.
Chuck (as Seven): Also, no can explain to me why a trumpet would even be involved in the affair.
- The Doctor decides to help on her project, and starts up a sideshow on the courtship of the different sapient species of the galaxy. He mentions that some courtship rituals are still shrouded in mystery:The Doctor: For instance, here is Ensign Kim, crying into a pillow while watching Totally Spies!. No idea what that one means... And here is Tom Paris, doing something with a trumpet.
- Harry tries to flirt with Seven over her attempts at dating, pointing that they may have something in common, namely her interest in music and him playing the clarinet. Seven coldly informs him that he is not on the list of candidates for her dates.Harry: (obviously trying not to cry) That's fine... There is always Alex, Sam, and Clover waiting for me...
- The Doctor decides to help on her project, and starts up a sideshow on the courtship of the different sapient species of the galaxy. He mentions that some courtship rituals are still shrouded in mystery:
- Chuck wonders how a potential Harry Kim-focused episode would have played out. He reasons that with how Harry is usually treated by the show, the main plot would probably have centered around Harry just sitting at his station and having hiccups and the rest of the crew trying to help him cure it.
- From "11:59"
- Chuck's compilation of all this episode's Janeway clips, starring himself as Janeway.Neelix: Good morning!
Neelix: Requisition reports for the week. (hands the datapad to Janeway)
Chuck (as Janeway): Let me see... No... No... No... No, in fact I'm taking away everything you got. Everything but the clothes on your back. And that's only because I'd like my eyes to remain in my skull.
Neelix: What can you tell me about the Great Wall of China?
Chuck (as Janeway): Only that I wish you were stranded on the other side of it.
Neelix: In fact it was the first Q'in emperor who connected the walls built by a previous dynasty. He did it to prevent an invasion by nomads to the north. How big is it?
Chuck (as Janeway): Nowhere near as big as your fat gob, and nowhere near as long as your endless waste of my time.
Neelix: Twenty four hundred kilometres long, median width three point eight metres. Before the twenty second century, it was one of the only manmade objects that could be seen from Earth's orbit with the naked eye.
Chuck (as Janeway): Neelix, you have proven that a little knowledge is a tedious thing. Do you mind? I have better things to do than play "Who Gives a Fuck About Carmen Sandiego?"
(Neelix and Janeway enter the bridge)
Chakotay: We're on a course for the class Y cluster. We should be there in about three days.
Chuck (as Janeway): Good! Why don't you put Captain Geography here in a torpedo, and he can give us a rapport once we have arrived.
- Henry Janeway welcomes Shannon O'Donnel to his bookstore:Henry: I think we can handle her. Zeus himself watched over travellers; we should follow his example!
Chuck: What? You mean, turn her into a deer and fuck her? That's not the kind of greeting we Mid-Westerners are known for.
- Neelix and Seven gets into a conversation about ancestors:Neelix: The point is; there is some of him in you. Just like there will be some of you in your descendants.
Seven: If I choose to procreate...
Neelix: Oh, I wouldn't dismiss it so lightly... Someday, you might enjoy a little...
Chuck: (sounding queasy) Let me stop you right there, Neelix. There is not enough tequila in the multiverse.
- Harry also has a story to share:Chuck: Harry tells a story about one of his ancestors that contradicts other things we know about the Star Trek history. But the story ends with predictable failure, so that makes me inclined to believe him. Any story that would end in triumph for one of the Kims would make me suspicious.
- Harry also has a story to share:
- Chuck's compilation of all this episode's Janeway clips, starring himself as Janeway.
- From "Relativity":
- Janeway is now space-sick, and flying Voyager into a temporal rift, messing with dodos, and swiping dodo eggs and eating them just to prove she was the captain had absolutely nothing to do with it.
- From "Warhead":
- Chuck pointing out that a dermal regenerator would only give Seven a tumor or a testicle growing on the side of her face.
- When Janeway dresses down Captain Ransom:Janeway: Ransom, I want you to know one thing: I'm disgusted with you! You did the worst possible thing imaginable for a Starfleet captain to do. You got caught!
- Janeway explains to Ransom that due to a regulation, she is technically the senior officer:Janeway: Starfleet Regulation one hundred ninety one, Article fourteen. In a combat situation involving more than one ship, command falls to the vessel with tactical superiority. I looked it up this morning.
Chuck: Why am I not surprised your to-do-list included finding a way to pull rank, even to someone of equal rank?
- The Running Gag of playing porn music every time Captain Ransom says a suggestive line around Seven, essentially painting him as a pervert who is barely able to suppress his lust for her.
- Chuck refers to Janeway in this episode as "Captain from hell's heart, I stab at thee."
- When Janeway dresses down Captain Ransom:
- "Barge of the Dead"
- Crazy Janeway pulling out all the stops.Janeway: If your belief system required you to sacrifice a child to your gods, I wouldn't allow that either.
Crazy Janeway: Unless your god's me, of course. Which it should be.
- Including this fantastic "Reason You Suck" Speech to Torres.Janeway: You want to simulate a near-death experience, so you can revisit the Barge of Death, and you're telling me what's absurd?
Crazy Janeway: No, wait, that wasn't judgmental enough. Okay. Your backwards superstitious malarkey is so beyond absurd, I wish I could floss my brain to get the bits of stupid out. And the only reason I'm not even trying to change your mind on it is that anything approaching rational thought would bounce off that thick plate on your forehead, assuming that's Klingon ridges, and not a massive brain tumor responsible for your long string of bad decisions. But wow. Even I never thought you'd be so damn stupid as to want to try this, but, you proved me wrong! Looks like I owe Chakotay a Coke. He told me you'd never be safe on this ship so long as there was a sharp thing not covered in cork. If you want to have a near-death experience, Torres, here's my suggestion: follow every ill-advised thought that pops into your little pea-brain over the next half-hour, and I guarantee one of them will have you in sickbay or the morgue.
Torres: ...I thought the Federation didn't judge the belief of others—
Crazy Janeway: Oh! You heard about that, huh? Did they have that on the connect-the-dots on a Chuck-E-Cheese placemat? Look, I have real shit to do around here, so, kindly hop on your gondola of tedious bullshit and sail down to engineering, Joan of Arc. Now! Chop chop! Do I have to beat you with a fuck-off stick for you to take a hint?
- Including this fantastic "Reason You Suck" Speech to Torres.
- The reveal of who Torres' ambassador to the dead is: Neelix.
- The random dance videos to a song that Chuck has no idea what it was.note
- Crazy Janeway pulling out all the stops.
- "Tinker, Tenor, Doctor, Spy":
- Chuck's rather literal Heroic BSoD during one of the Doctor's fantasies:The stakes then get raised when Janeway gets involved and when (sees Janeway force the Doctor to fondle her ass)..... when..... when... (the screen starts to distort and a soundbyte from 2001: A Space Odyssey starts playing) daisy...... daisy....
(The screen goes black, and green text appears at the bottom of the screen) CRITIC HAS SUFFERED A FATAL ERROR
- The Babelfish version of "La Donna e Mobile" (which is apparently about furniture), followed shortly thereafter with the the Doctor using a "mobile-ay" transmitter.The woman is furniture.
What down in the wind?
Changes of accent...
Always an amiable...
and rice is false!
The woman is Mobil!
What feather in the wind!
Changes of emmmmmmphasis...
- Chuck's rather literal Heroic BSoD during one of the Doctor's fantasies:
- From "Alice":
- Another jab at Neelix's self-professed "talents":Neelix: I'll admit there was a time when I dabbled in commerce but, these days I focus my efforts on food and diplomacy.
Chuck: The diplomacy is vital after people have eaten your cooking.
- When Chakotay at first dismisses Tom's desire to buy the titular vessel, because Voyager "already got a full complement of shuttles":Chuck: How can you say that with a straight face? You crashing your shuttles into thing is my second-oldest award! And that's only because getting yourselves killed is the oldest — which is explained by the aforementioned crashing your shuttles into things.
- Another jab at Neelix's self-professed "talents":
- From "Dragon's Teeth":
- Chuck mocking how the aliens of the week are only afraid of getting scanned with a tricoder.
- "One Small Step...":
- Proclaiming that in the scenes filmed before they decided to make it a Seven story instead, Robert Beltran's acting seems almost alive - he's breathing and his heart may even be pumping blood around his body.
- From "The Voyager Conspiracy":
- After everything's wrapped up, Janeway gives Chakotay some coffee...Chakotay: You didn't poison the coffee, did you?
Janeway: (forced chuckle) You're a stitch! (as Chakotay drinks) Make sure to drink it all! Sometimes the poison sinks to the bottom...
- After everything's wrapped up, Janeway gives Chakotay some coffee...
- In "Fair Haven":
- The Doctor is playing the role of a clergyman. At one point, he dismisses a guy who seeks to repent for repeatedly breaking the fifth commandment. It's implied that the Doctor is playing a Catholic priest, and the Catholic fifth commandment is "thou shalt not kill." Cue screencap of the Pope facepalming.
- Later on in the episode, Chuck refers to the Doctor's characters as "Father Ted". This contains an extra layer of hilarity when you consider that — as several commenters pointed out — the first episode of Father Ted has the title character blow off the local crazy guy's claim to have killed a man, because he's too focused on his upcoming TV appearance.
- In response to Tuvok's constant discussion of space sickness, Chuck seeks the word of the Twelfth Doctor on how important that is... which means, the word of Malcolm Tucker.
- "Blink of an Eye":
- Chuck uses Pat Benatar's "Heartbreaker" because a character calls Voyager "The Ground Shaker. The Light Bringer."
- Stating that "Chakotay has an interest in the civilization because he's always had an interest in (sound of rolling dice) ANTHROPOLOGY!"
- From "Virtuoso":
- The Doctor introduces Harry's band as "Harry Kim and the Kimtones".Chuck: Ugh, that name is awful. In fact, it's so awful — and I'm being serious — if type it into Google, it insists you must have something wrong. Even Google is like: "Quit fucking around! What's the real name?"
- The Qomar doesn't like the jazz act and Tom asks the Doctor to back on stage.Chuck: Are we sure we are not in the one where we are seeing [the Doctor's] daydreams again? I just better not see him grab Janeway's ass. Seeing it once was three times too many.
- Torres is not enthused about the Doctor's newfound fame.The Doctor: I plan to segue from Don Juan to Rigoletto in the blink of an eye! It will be a triumph of—
Torres: Arrogance and self-absorption?
Chuck: It's good to have the support of your friends.
- When Seven has trouble understanding the concept of celebrities and having fans and ask Janeway to explain this, Chuck makes a short skit, comparing how Picard would have handled the situation if Data was the one posing that question, with how Janeway handles it:Data: Captain. Can you explain to me why humans are drawn to celebrities?
Picard: Well, there is a number of factors to consider, Data. When one is famous, it is often, consciously or subconsciously, associated with a sense of authority or power. Humans take notice of such individuals — sometimes to emulate because of that success, or because of the things they might stand for. It can also serve as an enhancement of one's own sense of self — to feel a chance to connect with a figure that has brought them happiness. And to, however briefly, no longer have the situation be one-sided, but to have the figure acknowledge and validate them as people just like them.
Seven: Captain. Can you explain to me why humans are drawn to celebrities?
Janeway: Because losers get to delude themselves into thinking they are important.
- Chuck then examines how Janeway actually responds to Seven's question in the episode:Janeway: (shrugs) I suppose it's a way of making themselves feel more important.
Crazy Janeway: That's what I just said! Stop wasting time showing clips of me saying what I've already said. This is time I could be spending defacing all the signs with Harry's band name on it. Chop, chop!
Defaced Sign: Harry Kim and the Kidney Stones — pray it passes quickly
- Chuck then examines how Janeway actually responds to Seven's question in the episode:
- The Doctor tries to argue that he should be allowed to resign from his post:The Doctor: If Harry Kim met an alien woman on an away mission, fell in love, and decided to spend the rest of his life with her—
Janeway: It'd be Tuesday! That moron pulls this shit all the time. Remember last week?
(one week ago)
Harry: Captain, this time I really mean it!
Janeway: Ah? And the legion of women before this?
Harry: What? They were a club?
Janeway: What? No, I mean there were a lot of them. A "legion" is big number, dumbass!
Harry: Yeah? Well, if you don't let me stay, you-you will regret it! I'll pay you back! Legion-fold!
Harry: ...That sounded better before I said it.
Janeway: No, no, no! I like it! I can use that one.
Harry: Uh, look... Let's forget the whole—
Janeway: No, no! I've got it! I've got it! Ahem. "Legion-fold: The medical term for a defect from an improperly circumcised penis."
Harry: Please, let me go. Or just kill me.
Janeway: No! I'm sending this one off for the whole crew to appreciate! (messenger sound) "Legion-fold"... That's why you can't go, Harry! This is the most fun I've had sine I started reading items from the Suggestion Box in the voice of an idiot before I threw them away!
Chuck: Sometimes I have no idea where these conversations come from or where they'll go...
- The Doctor introduces Harry's band as "Harry Kim and the Kimtones".
- From "Memorial":
- The Doctor wiping Janeway's short-term memories and claiming that she was going to apologize to him for wiping his memories and insisting that he call her Captain Slutbitch.
- From "Tsunkatse":
- We see Chakotay and Torres watching the fight at the beginning, and Chuck notes that after Season 5note , Chakotay always had an interest in *dice roll* boxing!
- "Ashes to Ashes":
- Chuck commenting about the aliens of the week unique method of procreation, namely by converting the dead of other species into their own, and how it seems like the ultimate counter to the Zombie Apocalypse. "Let's see how YOU like it."
- From "Good Shepherd":
- The review opens with Billy begging Janeway for help, and him crying that he meant she must help him, not shoot him. Janeway orders him to be quiet, or else he'll get shot again with the medical phaser.
- From "Live Fast and Prosper":
- When Fake Janeway and Fake Tuvok beam down.
- From "Muse":
- Chuck may not be a Starfleet engineer, but his diagnosis of the Delta Flyer is "fucked".
- Chakotay walks up to Janeway with a sombre expression on his face:Janeway: If that was good news, you'd be smiling.
Chuck (as Chakotay): Wow, captain. Your deductive skills are shocking.
Chuck (as Janeway): How's this for a deduction? If you didn't want to get kicked in the junk, you'd kept your stupid trap shu— Ow! ...Wearing a cup, Chakotay? Heh, six years as my First Officer, but you're finally learning! Now turn around, 'cause I'm putting my boot up your ass.
- From "Spirit Folk":
- Janeway threatening the holograms to stay in line:Janeway: That's right, you rubes better remember who can replace this town with a dinosaur cockfight arena, and I have a hankering for a Rumble in the Jurassic Jungle!
- Chuck questioning the logic of Harry going through the trouble of bringing replicated flowers for a date with a hologram:Chuck: Real flowers... for a fake girl. That's like buying a tie for your vibrator.
- When Sullivan confronts Janeway with the town folk's suspensions towards her:Sullivan: They can tell me you're the Devil himself, and I wouldn't care.
Janeway: I would! Never compare me to that amateur.
- Chuck's increasing frustration with the fact that the problem in the episode could easily be solved simply by turning off the holodeck and fixing things while it is inactive, but Janeway argues against pulling the plug with the excuse that the crew has grown attached to the program. And even when the situation has devolved into a hostage situation, she still refuses:Chuck: I can't even satirize this, because my made-up Janeway would need a lobotomy to approach this level of moron. [...] Any hostage situation that can be solved by scratching a blu-ray is a hostage situation that should already be over!
- He then expresses his frustration over that no matter how crazy he tries to make his parody version of Janeway, the writers of the show will always find new ways to top it with the canon version of her:Chuck: People have asked me why parody Janeway seems to have grown more extreme over the years. Well, LOOK WHAT I'M UP AGAINST! THIS IS AN ARMS RACE OF CRAZY! SHE'S THE USSR AND I'M... FUCKING BELGIUM!
- He then expresses his frustration over that no matter how crazy he tries to make his parody version of Janeway, the writers of the show will always find new ways to top it with the canon version of her:
- Chuck's observation on how the religion of Fair Haven seems to have had any shred of overt Christianity symbolism or any symbolism from any other religion for that matter removed, making it so vague and generic that he wouldn't surprised if the official name of the religion was "Miscellaneous":The Doctor: (disguised as a local priest) You have the audacity to turn a house of worship into a prison!?
Chuck (as the Doctor): How dare you defile our Lady of Generic Spiritual Stuff! You will surely be damned to some nondescript, unpleasant punishment for this!
- Janeway threatening the holograms to stay in line:
- In "Fury":
- Chuck theorizes that Janeway must have kept a database of future things that would be messing with the past, given how often time travelers do that with early Voyager, before finally asking: "Or did that bitch Daniels send you? Cause I told him to piss off and annoy someone else!
- "Life Line":
- The Stupid Neelix Moment from the end of the review:Chuck: Neelix walked into the room and handed The Doctor a pad. This offended me.
- The hypothetical reaction of Picard to Troi asking for time off.Picard: Go to Jupiter Station in the middle of this important mission? But what will I do without you here? Oh, I know! I'll put a toy of farm animals on your chair, and whenever I need to be told the bloody obvious, I'll just pull the string and learn that "the cow goes moo"! Try not to crash the damn station into Jupiter, you dumb bitch!
- The Stupid Neelix Moment from the end of the review:
- From "The Haunting of Deck Twelve":
- Janeway needs a can of "fuck off", and Neelix has to go to the mess hall to get it.
- From "Unimatrix Zero":
- When Tom Paris is re-promoted to lieutenant after 18 months as an ensign, Harry Kim, the ensign of six years, speaks up:Harry: I didn't see a present on my chair.
Janeway: You have a chair?! Tuvok, correct this oversight!
Harry: What? You can't do that!
Janeway: Questioning my orders? Did you learn nothing from Tom? You're demoted to Ensign Junior Grade!
Harry: There's no such—
(Janeway glares at him)
Harry: ...Yes, Captain. I'll just sit— uh, stand over here.
- From the same scene:Chakotay: Open it. That's an order.
Chuck: (to the tune of That's Amore) ♪When some guy/ Outranks you/ And tells you/ What to do, that's an order...♪
- Crazy Janeway's last interaction with the Queen.
- There's also her conversion:
- When Tom Paris is re-promoted to lieutenant after 18 months as an ensign, Harry Kim, the ensign of six years, speaks up:
- His explanation for why the Borg Queen destroys her own Cubes and Janeway's response.Borg Queen: Destroying my own people to further my ends? I have no idea where this thought came from!
Janeway: Your mistake was assimilating me! Huh. Killing your own people and breaking your own ships in an attempt to torture me. When my goal was to cause as much damage as possible. You know, the only difference between this and my holodeck program is I'm not sitting on a vibrating throne made of Borg skulls!
- From "Imperfection":
- The last sentence of the description is this, "The nanoprobes giveth, and the nanoprobes taketh away, the nanoprobes be praised!"
- From "Repression":
- Chuck correctly predicting that Harry will get shot by one of Voyager's crew members, the only surprise is that he didn't get shot in the face or the junk.
- "Critical Care":
- From "Body and Soul":
- How Chuck thinks the idea for this episode was conceived.Writer #1: Okay, so I've got this idea where the Doctor takes over Seven's body.
Rick Berman: Loving it!
Writer #1: He's doing all this stuff, making mistakes, eating and drinking things he shouldn't, getting her all dooey.
Rick Berman: Fish out of water, always good.
Writer #1: Seven can totally see everything he does, but has no control over it.
Rick Berman: Comedy gold, maestro, comedy gold!
Writer #2: Um, haven't we spent, like, four seasons showing Seven trying to gradually recover from being a Borg? Showing her trying to heal emotionally from all the time she spent doing things with no control over her own body, and now you having a man take control of her body and put her into uncomfortable, embarrassing situations after we've established how emotionally scarred she is from being under the control of others? Don't you think that not only ignoring that fact while the Doctor controls her body, but then calling her a repressed bitch seems insensitive, and arguably, misogynistic?
Rick Berman: (silence)
Writer #1: (silence)
Rick Berman: You get the fuck out!
- How Chuck thinks the idea for this episode was conceived.
- From " Flesh and Blood":
- Chuck could tell that something was off...no, not Starfleet in the Delta Quadrant, no, not them using lethal force first, either. It's the guns, they actually work.
- "Tuvok easily slips behind him and nerve pinches him out, then proceeds to draw a dick on his face, because, emotionless or no, there's just some things you can't resist."
- From "Shattered":
- Janeway's engagement gift from Mark. The very apt Dante's Inferno.Mark: Gotcha a book, honey! I thought about being married to you, and for some reason, picked out the story of a man who journeys through the eternal torments of the damned! (laugh that quickly descends into crying) Why couldn't you have just blackmailed me for money!?
Janeway: You can't put a price on those pecs. Now slap my ass like you mean it this time!
- In the actual dialogue, Janeway is addressed as "Queen Of The Spider People"
- Demonstrating the episode's approach to time travel with Homer Simpson going to dinosaur times and beating up everything in reach. TWICE.
- After Janeway learns a valuable lesson about how she shouldn't play god, Chuck announces the next episode that will be reviewed is..."Playing God".
- Chakotay enters Janeway's room, to find her tinkering with the replicator. She reminds him of the time she hacked it to try and make coffee-flavoured cigarettes and/or cigarette-flavoured coffee.Janeway: I'm not sure what happened, but I think I could walk through walls...
- Janeway's engagement gift from Mark. The very apt Dante's Inferno.
- From "The Void":
- Chuck's little scenario involving some shipwrecked individuals arguing over if they should steal a radio, culminating in "Curse you, James Madison for not foreseeing the radio!"
- The "evil scheme" of the planet abducting starship crews and making them loyal and content workers has a theme: Everything is awesooomme...
- From "Q2":
- Which producer was responsible for this episode? James Kaaaaahhhhnnnnn!!!
- From "Author, Author":
- Chuck muses that this episode is what happens when you watch his show and then try to write a Voyager episode.
- From "Friendship One":
- Crazy-Janeway appears once again to ask the aliens of the week if they mean genocide of their species or genocide in general.
- From "Homestead":
- Chuck has noticed that Tom Paris has arranged his food into the shape of a penis and two testicles, the symbol of Zefram Cochrane. Admit it, you'd want to see a statue of that.
- The episode provides the perfect payoff to Chuck's big Running Gag about Chakotay: "Because he's always been interested in...(rolling dice sound) Seven!
- From the very beginning, his snark about the Non-Indicative Name, since the word "Endgame" would suggest something that has been meticulously planned out in advance. And this is Voyager.Before we begin, let me fill you in on the material that's been building up to this finale. (no pause whatsoever) Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's get on with the episode.